A Crap Guide to D&D [5th Edition] - Bard
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- Опубліковано 29 сер 2024
- Joseph makes a dumb Dungeons and Dragons guide for dumb people
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The guy playing Bard in my group brings a book of limericks to each session, and he writes out his own list of insults depending on the races and such we're facing. He has the table in stitches every game.
So you're saying that he literally had a race-based insult book
@@monhunterz5430 The Holy Text
I can't compete with those kind of expectations!
My cleric did that except they were eulogies for each character who died in our group. He was tasked with sending the letters to next of kin.
I play as a bard in my current campaign and one of my favorite cantrips to use is Vicious Mockery, some of my highlights include:
“Who’s shrine did you piss on to get a face like that?”
“I’m glad I can’t read minds, I doubt there’s anything interesting in yours.”
“I’ve seen better weapons in the hands of preschool children.”
“You have a face only a mother could love, too bad she’s probably dead” (Even the DM was shocked by this one)
"I roll to seduce Tiamat with... 33!"
"Okay, then. Tiamat takes an interest in you, grabs you and throws you into her lair in Avernus, where you will have to be her love slave for eternity."
Just because you can seduce someone doesn't mean you should
in that case you should.
Probably better than dying horrifically
I mean, all options considered, it don't sound like a horrible fate
My DM is like this. I didn't survive the Bugbear mating ritual :(
so death by snu-snu-snu-snu-snu?
Still waiting on that Matt Mercer with foam noodles
He's getting around. It's a long list he's gotta get through. Matt isn't Santa Claus you know.
@@dragonfire7354 XD
Yes. Bold of JoCat to assume I don't want this to happen to me.
He wont throw foam noodles at you ‘cuz he’s a chill guy and doesnt mind whatever way the players play the game
Look at 1:56 in 0.25 speed
It's all fun and games until the DM requires you to act out your seduction.
Lmao
You kidding? That’s the fun part.
As if that will stop me
@@TheNocturnalOracle One of my friends was a barbarian and he asked the DM if he could go into a rage well having sex.
The party rogue: "I roll to seduce."
Me: (spy voice from TF2) "Seduce me."
my bard: I SEDUCE THE DOOR
my dm: roll charisma
me: crit
door: randomly becomes both polished and unlocked
"A hint of bright red on both sides of the doors center..."
(it blushed....the door fucking blushed)
*this is beyond human comprehension of the bards ability to literally seduce everything,even air molecules*
Bard: crit
Door: doesn’t open
Rogue: I use intimidate
Masochist door: blushes
Oh no
a n i m a t e o b j e c t
I like to say that some objects contain a spirit, and eventhough you can't seduce the door, you could seduce the spirit in the door. But that is only posibble if there is a spirit in the door.
And now the bard's most intimidating attack:
*F U C K Y O U*
or
*I N S P I R E D*
Wait... SUCTION CUP MAN IS A BARD
*YOU CAN’T KILL THE BARD, MAN*
@@christopherrhodes3228 SUCTION CUP BARD IS COMING ROUND HIS SUCKING POWERS HAVE NO BOUNS SUCTION CUPS ALL RED AND SHIT HES PRETTY HOT YOU MUST ADMIT
DO MOT TEST HIS SUCKING POWERS HELL CLIMB YOUR TOWER IN JUST AN HOUR YOU CANT KILL HIM HES WAY TOO COOL HES SMUDGING UP YOUR WINDOWS FOOL
*HEY I WROTE YOU A SONG*
"what?!"
*IT GOES LIKE THIS*
plays three notes
*FUCK YOU*
OH I'VE BEEN CLIMBING UP YOUR TOWER
YOU CAN KISS MY ASS!
I'VE BEEN CLIMBING UP YOUR TOWER
AND I'M SMUDGING UP YOUR GLASS!
The message that flashes up behind Matt Mercer when he's throwing noodles:
"Disclaimer: Matt Mercer will not actually throw foam noodles at you for not playing a stereotypical D&D character because he doesn't judge the way you have fun and is a genuinely swell guy.
He may throw noodles at you for other reasons however, so you should still watch your back."
1:56
I came to the comments just for this 🙏
Sounds about right. I'm not convinced he DOESN'T have a stack of them hidden under his chair in preparation for Sam Riegel' nonsense. XD
Thxx
THANK YOU SO MUCH
@@raina8334 this improved my day
I wonder if when JoCat wrote this, he had any idea he'd get actual Matt Mercer in a collab a year later.
I wonder if this video will be redone where the only change will be swapping out the "ehhh.... errt..." sound effects with takes done by Matt himself.
Wait, he did?? For real?
@@grimmashley8422 Yeah, in the DM video. A whole _bunch_ of DnD content creators show up in that one, including Matt Mercer
He said himself on stream that he never thought he would get to do that, was so afraid just to try before giving him a call
Looks like he rolled well on pursauation
"Disclaimer: Matt Mercer will not actually throw foam noodles at you for not playing a stereotypical D&D character because he doesn't judge the way you have fun and is genuinely a swell guy. He may throw foam noodles at you for other reasons however so you should still watch your back." -Joseph 1:57
This text was only in video for like 2 frames but I managed to finally read what it said. Figured I should share the disclaimer so people don't need to live in fear of Matt Mercer.
PS: Love the videos, keep being you and making fun videos.
Edit: Uh, why did I get so many likes for this after over a year? I was just bored one day and wasted around 45min cause I didn’t know YT had some features that makes reading the text a lot easier. I don’t deserve the attention lol.
Dude you are seriously naive if you don't fear Matt Mercer
Bless your soul I tried and I shit you not for fifteen minutes to read that. You give me rest, thank you.
*throws foam noodles at Andy*
*nyeh*
Andy Harley thanks I was trying to get it for so long
DM: Well here's the main enemy of the campaign-
Bard: _I'm gonna seduce them._
DM: YOU WHAT-
Bard: "I'm gonna seduce the werewolf!"
DM: "YOU ARE NOT GOING TO SEDUCE THE WEREWOLF!"
Bard: "why not?"
DM: "BECAUSE I SAID SO YOU FURRY FUCK! NOW ROLL FOR INITIATIVE!"
@@FieldMarshalFry
Bard : Ok fine *rolls and has initiative*
Bard : I use my turn to serenade the werewolf
DM : Your singing is so powerful that werewolf feels moved, however your tunes were so loud that the cave ceiling got destabilized. TL:DR Rocks fall, everyone dies
Completely valid.
DM: "the lesser succubus casts 'charm' on the cleric"
Cleric: [Fails some saves] "Ah fuck she's too hot. Sorry, guys, this demon I've sworn to defeat is my new wife."
Bard: ...[Player literally stands up from table, and points to the sky, shouting] "NO ONE IS HOTTER THAN XAVIER THE DIVINE SPEAR!"
Bard: [Rolls to seduce succubus]
DM: "Look we've been over this, you can't just bed any-"
Bard: [Throws d20 at DM. Lands on 20]
Dm: "...That's bullshit, but I'll accept it. The Lesser Succubus is now your Succubae."
Bard: [Points at Cleric] "Now you!"
Dm: [Shrugging, having come to terms with the previous bullshit] "...fuck it."
Bard: "That's the plan!"
Cleric:[If you looked up "big dude" in the dictionary you'd see his face and upper torso] "No homo?"
Bard: [Physically grabs Cleric player and looks deep into his eyes (note the bard player is a foot shorter and has all the muscle mass of a twig)] "No homo. Only Xavier..."
And then the rogue stabbed the succubus while everyone is distracted. We all died horribly.
@@unclaimedusername6608 I want "No homo. Only Xavier." on my tomb stone.
@@FieldMarshalFry Bard: "Fine... I cast Suggestion."
DM: "I don't even wanna know what you suggest to it."
I once had a elf bard in my P&P group, he could only do two things, evade stuff and persuade people, but by Gygax he did it well (rolled more nat crits than anyone ever on top of that). That character lived through four entire new groups of characters, managed to seduce a whole convent of priestesses (of a love godess but still!) into an giant orgy (because he could), talked a greedy ass dragon in giving up an important thingamajic and even bested the avatar of an god of music in a music duell. In the end, I was forced to exercise my DM rights and forced the guy into retirement because he was to gamebreaking. His legend lives on though, in lots and lots of half elf children.
That is amazing. May the children be a quarter as godly as he was. Less than a quarter, otherwise the world would be overrun in no time
@@gameridiotNOT Trust me, I took care of that. The actual group has met a few of these grown up children so far, one became a teacher who pretty much turned out like Susan Sto Helit, the niece of Death himself from Diskworld, another daughter became a priestess herself and one boy ended up badly beaten and publicaly shamed on the pillory because he thought he could do like his daddy (but couldn´t).
Your description of the elf reminded me of one art someone drew of their half-orc, saying her mom's a full orc while her dad's a very ballsy elf. Said elf is drawn blindfolded & chained while saying "Fuck yeah!" as he most likely was getting laid by the orc.
Wait, so they pulled a "devil went down to georgia" with a god of music? Lol
@@FeliceJaganshi Ya, pretty much, now that you say it that way.^^ For the contest I wanted to see 3 nat crits in a row to succeed and he delivered 2, re-rolled the nr 3 thanks to his bards trait "Favour of Lady Luck" and boom, 3 nat crits in a row. After that I had to get the kitchen scales and checked the dice. XD
The cool thing about this is that he had every class prepared ahead of time so he could reference them all. Like the Paladin walking across the screen at the mention of a pretty face.
and later in thewarlock vid they're gettim married XD
I guess Jocrap's bard is bisexual.
Perfect for a horni bard.
This is real good
no u
INSPIRED!
I thought you said bard sucked tho
I read this in your voice
Hey cool
These keep getting better and better.
PS: I do want Matt Mercer to break into my house
Me too
I will play against all the stereotypes until he does, I'll play a paladin with an aligence with a devil and be lawful evil and not be an oathbreaker (oath of conquest mother fuckers)
No wonder he's been buisy lately , breaking into people's houses and throwing foam noodles at them.
@@thepuertoricansoldie depending on the good you serve that may work. Try a fighter that is afraid of combat.
YES
One time the bard in our party was so innocent she asked for apple juice in a dwarven bar
I once asked for grape juice... and I WAS A DWARF!
Well according to the adventure zone, if you go to a bar and ask for apple sauce or apple juice you'll get some seriously potent halfling cider.
That is a cinnamon roll of a bard... I give it 3 sessions and I'm being nice.
I love that bard thank you for telling me about them
“wHaTs A sEdUcE” -One of my bards, 2019
Jocrap: "All bards are lust-compelled sex deviants."
My Lore Bard who's a historian: "You try to force to do that, I will bore you to death. Quite literally in fact. Who says Vicious Mockery has to be an insult?"
You’d think a historian would know the definition of the word mockery
@@grimmashley8422 In theory, definitely. Not in practice though.
*Goes on a two hour tangent about how your species used to screw fish*
"who says vicious mockery has to be an insult?"
The description of the cantrip
I actually just recently made a bard who has all his charisma in being either a big, string man, or being a cute boi.
Okay, I just looked at the comments, and I thought they meant "historian" as someone who studies and understands history. What the actual shit is all of this stuff about getting down and dirty with marine life?
I can sing, dance, paint, prance, make a pretty dirt drawing with a lance!
Plenty of ways to further enhance, the battle-field if given the right chance!
Now you know how to play Bard, you're welcome.
College of Rap is the best subclass.
@@LuckySketches Collage of Dropping mad bars
Bars!!
This man is a bard at heart.
A painting bard is actually genius. On a quest to make the ultimate painting by seeing the sights. Doing royal commisions etc.
this is why I've been looking to try and have people change the name of the bard into something broader: "non-combatant travellers", "wandering artists", "muse?". Bards sing and play with the occasional jest and pun, artists can be something different and maybe have some homebrew skills glued to them, dancers? dancers can't draw a map, they're useless but at least they can do some moves, they're not bards but they're.. there. We need a name.
I had a player who did exactly this. He did it during a shipwreck scenario and chose his art easel as the one thing he could snatch up before bailing and ended up visually chronicling the party's lives on a deserted island.
How exactly are you going to give inspiration roll bonus with a paintbrush? "Aha! You have given me my next masterpiece! Thank you, Fighter!" "Uh....you're welcome?" *somehow gets a +d6 to his attack roll*
So...basically Medieval da Vinci arguably.
It's great until you have a Nat 1 related seizure whilst painting a portrait of a dragon and he turns you into a well done steak for making him look bad.
Why have a sword and an instrument, instead of *using your instrument as your weapon?*
_Didgeridoo greatclub intensifies_
*Crossbow violin intensifies*
"This is my axe, and this is my axe."
"Y-you just held out your guitar twice..."
*"YES."*
Best multipurpose weapon is a sword fish. Sword and dinner
Hunting horns rise up
Great club cello y'all
"I don't know how to draw stereotypes"
Draw a fireball
Came back from the Paladin video to check if the pretty face was indeed the Paladin. I am not disappointed
LET THE BARD FUCK THE PALADIN 2K19
@@somedragonbastard In the new Ranger vid, it has Paladin stepping on the Bard's face... Also, Ranger is in this video being brought out of the night club. Dude's got Easter Eggs on Easter eggs so I'm having to go back through and list them all.
Fighter is also in this video... as the fighter.
I just wanted to see this again and I didn't realize he had this planned from the start
The orc and Elf are also his other characters...
"If the sword and shield was an RPG clas it would be the bard"
*Hunting horn sounds intensify*
Animelytical as a filthy gunlance player your sweet melodies keep me going at the worst of times
Bow before the mighty HH gods peasant.
or I shall SMITE
They're just mad because he's right.
*Angry Doots*
Instructions unclear
Accidentally killed the dungeon master
...
Irl
Ah, that could only mean you were properly playing the game
*laid
haha, 404 likes
DAMN IT ALEXANDER! We have to get a new DM every week because of you.
I SEDUCED MYSELF INTO THIS MESS AND I WILL SEDUCE MYSELF OUT OF IT!!!
And in and out...in bed.
why do you look like young homer
This makes me want to make a skeleton bard, who is having an existential crisis because they can’t bone anymore. Pun absolutely intended.
*Anything walks by*
_Heavy Sigh_
You mean Brook. You are talking about Brook. Go watch 800 episodes of One Piece like the rest of us.
Bonus for a skeleton bard is they don't even need an instrument, they can just play their own ribcage
There's a skeleton bard in my current campaign. He only plays woodwind instruments.
Meatball Sander what rules do you use for skeletons as a race? Because obviously a skeleton bard would be different to a mindless skeleton raised by some necromancer.
Logan Bedenis Combine that with my Necrodancer build. Go lore and grab all the good necromancy spells
1:57
"Disclaimer: Matt Mercer will not actually throw foam noodles at you for not playing a stereotypical D&D Character because he doesn't judge the way you have fun & is a genuinely swell guy. He may throw foam noodles at you for other reasons however, so you should still watch your back."
Punkie Zee
Thank you, I was about to spend an eternity trying to pause it at that timestamp on mobile.
The hero we need!
*Other reasons may include, but not limited to, having similar sounding names for your characters and proceeding to joke about different names, violating the big ancient dragons by fisting inflicted wounds, rolling natural one/twenty 2-3 times in a row, etc.
Punkie Zee thank you.
Unless you play an outcast drow ranger/rogue that's socially brash and has a pet panther
*Slams my mug against the table and points to the crowd*
"And that's how I wooed the Immortal Dragon God Tiamat"
*shouts in the background*
"Is that considered bestiality?"
"Does she also have seven-" whammed in stomach by cleric "LANGUAGE ASSHOLE"
*clicks pen*
Reporter:"did you have a favourite head? is the god of dragons expecting soon? was the bed OK?
@@nyanbrox5418 A moment of silence for the bed.
i am not the only one who noticed the second the
The “shouting my greatness from the rooftop” with the “Fuck you Baltimore” made me laugh more then it really should have.
As someone living in Baltimore, I laughed even though I felt somewhat attacked. XD
@@victorqwilleran3331 I have been to Baltimore multiple times in my youth woth my mother to help with festivals and I do not. That city is falling into a sinkhole called the consequences of their own actions and so far it is not getting better.
@@victorqwilleran3331 If it helps, it's from Big Bill Hell's!
@@Queer_Nerd_For_Human_Justice home of challenge pissing?
@@victorqwilleran3331 thats right. challenge pissing
DM: Okay you are now locked inside a cage because you locked yourself in a cage-
Me, a bard: *sEdUCe thE lOCk*
DM: nO
This isn't only a problem with bards, I had a rogue that tried to intimidate the door.
I told him that the door began to open, for him to see two guards, one of which hit him in the face with their sword's pommel and the other one asked what the fuck did he think he was doing.
@@gingerinajacket8519 _the guard ended him rightly_
@@gingerinajacket8519 I intimidated a wall once.
It opened.
@@gingerinajacket8519 Nobody knows how to open a door.
I've played as a Rogue with massive lockpicking proficiency (I have Expertise in it and a Dex Modifier of +5), and we got a Barbarian and Monk trying to break it down (it had a strength check of 20), a Paladin who really wanted to screw us all over with Thunderous Smite (lawful good btw), and a Ranger who wanted to Yeet our gnome through the door, all of this while the Bard was ready to help with Bardic Inspiration, and I was just sitting there watching these idiots while the two other competent people (a cyborg warlock and sorcerer gnome) in our party kept suggesting the Rogue (me) pick the lock. And this night, we were all rolling super low for some reason, so this entire interaction gave us two critical failures and caused two people to take damage. It was fun.
Remember when Mung tried to seduce the rebarbara plant?
Friend: taking a poop
Me: INSPIRE!
Friend: *EXPLOSIVE HYPER DIARRHEA*
i want "Died of *EXPLOSIVE HYPER DIARRHEA* " on my grave
Aaaaand Bobby was launched into the 3rd floor from ground level.
..RIP
I cannot stress how funny this is
The absolute greatest nursery rhyme "let's go poo poo like a big kid" kinda music ever made
I am taking poop rn am scared
my first time play DnD I was a bard, and after a luxurious adventure of selling my body, then knocking out said buyers and stealing from them, I was rewarded 4 grilled cheeses from a kind man. Further on in the story, I lost those grilled cheeses to a godly power unbeknownst to man. From that moment forward, I dedicated my life to reclaiming those 4 grilled cheeses, until, finally, at the end of our campaign, I helped my party slay gods and demons alike to finally recieve my crispy, golden triangles of bread and dairy product. I lived a life of happiness from then on, forever preserving those grilled cheeses as my own trophies of triumph.
Amazing
I find this character pretty cheesy
Bet those sandwiches got pretty moldy after a while.
What the hell is that grilled cheese made of
@@phylippezimmermannpaquin2062 the power of god
DM: ... and NO, the Bard is NOT allowed to seduce the final boss.
Bard: Okay.... I roll to seduce the DM😏
"Final boss uses great cleave to have the bard to themselves."
I'm playing a bard in my campaign and my girlfriend is the dm so I might use this one
Dm: …listen here ya little sh*t
😂Go for it, I'm the DM's GF & he's not into dudes. & Our bard has a GF, sooo... 🍿?
Rolls a 20
DM: OK get in the bed
Truly the sword and shield of D&D.
"Need to do anything and everything? Grab the bard!"
"..and then use them as the weapon."
The motto of our party is slowly turning into "Throw the goat" . We have a satyr bard. He teams up with the druid, who turns into a goat. They're both clueless (in character, they're both pretty good players), but outmatch our barbarian. The tiny druid has been tossed satyr goat-boy our at enemies, beast shaping midway in the air into a goat. The goat bros are becoming unstoppable...#throwthegoat.
But can the bard use potions while their weapon is drawn? Not even the crazy stuff of DND can rival the SnS.
My favorite bard experience is still prancing into the giant fortress with my Dimension Door and just shouting "we are gods!"
(With my little rogue wing man behind me going "ANGRY GODS!")
It worked, and I convinced Guh, the giant (whos mission in life was to eat enough that she became huge enough to get the gods attention) to let me cast Polymorph on her to turn her into her "true form". Which I claimed was going to be the goddess of gluttony, and I turned her into a hairless cat, it was beautiful.
This remind me of Road to El Dorado XD
I'd say you fulfilled your promise.
That is the _best._
Now that's epic!
I just realized that the "pretty face" that walks by is Sasha Stoutbough from the Crap Guide to Paladin and I'm assuming that's why Felicia Gritasto (the Bard) shows up a few times in the Paladin video, that's amazing.
In the recent Warlock video, they actually got married.
@@ninjabluefyre3815 and the Paladin died becaus of Eldritch BBBBLLLLLLAAAAASSSSTTTTT
And in the Races video, Sasha and Felicia show up again when bringing up that elves are resistant to Charm spells.
Gregory Stephens Their relationship is the epitome of “Do you like me?” “We’re married” “Yeah, but do you *like* like me?” and I would love a side story for those two
@@et3inuyasha And in fact Sasha just says to Felicia "You know that you could've just asked"
I love how he gives this so aggressively. It sounds like he’s shoving all this down our throats all while doing us a favor by thanking himself for the advice he gave you then responding with your welcome.
Bloody Brilliant
What can I SAY except, you're WELCOME!
*reads the opening text"
"You will not learn anything useful here."
Me: pfft! I learned I need to play as a bard now!
Got to give him credit. Out of all the classes, in Buffs/Heals, Control/Debuffs, Stealth/Social, and Utility/skills Bards are A-grade through and through. But they lack Tank and DPR till level 5, then their the worse tank, and better DPR.
The ones who try to compete are wizards.
You missed Vicious Mockery, aka the cantrip that allows you to explode goblin brains by insulting them from across the room.
*inhale*
YOU LOOK LIKE YOU DONE EAT MAC BOOKS FOR BREAKFAST, LUNCH, SUPPER, _AND_ DINNER
That reminds me of the D&D Campaign by the Roll4it Crew, where their Bard used Vicious Mockery on a Hound, by shouting at him "Bad Dog!".
And the poor thing just laid down and died of a broken Heart.
My Bard once said “Your mum gay” and the person died.
He covers it in the bullet points at 0:36
"Roasts enemies to death"
I’d like to give my favourite example of how this spell is the best one.
Eloy from TFS at the table. He’s literally killed enemies by yelling "HEY YOU BIG DUMMY" and it’s wonderful.
when the bard manages to seduce a succubus:
*CHA CHA REAL SMOOTH*
if my information is correct, that bard is now a pureblood vampire (maybe?)
@@frozenlizard7738 Wait, so that crap in Elder Scrolls about Molag Bal making pureblood vampires through sex was actually based on something?
@@PupdudePwns I dont know about elder scrolls (it is similar)
@@PupdudePwns Elder scrolls started out as a custom DnD campaign so yea
@@ansixi4194 yep, when a succubus kisses someone out of true love, they don't die, instead turning into a pureblood vampire capable of forming a covenant.
Bard: I roll to talk the dragon to sleep
*rolls 1*
DM: the dragon was so enthralled by the conversation that you're growing malnourished, the rest of the party left 3 days ago.
Bard: I knew I shoulda went for seduction.
Crystal dragons could actually do that.
They are the chatterboxes of the dragon world.
I refuse to believe there are people who don’t want Matt Mercer to break into their house and pelt them with foam
I mean, tbh he could just knock on my door and be like "Okay so I'm here to fling this foam at you" and I'd be "Yeah okay sure, come on in"
He doesn't need to break into my house. I'd happily invite him in as if he's Dracula who needs an invitation to come in and throw foam noodles at me.
Maybe we should, like, petition Matt to actually do that?
I’m not even a fan of critical role (tried getting into season 2 but it started slow imo so didn’t get further than that) and I’d be ok with that.
I'm playing D&D for the first time and my character is actually a bard, so I tried to read a lot of stuff just to make sure I do things the best way I can but now seeing this video I realize I didn't even scratched the surface of my awesome potential. However I see many sharing fun stories, so, even though I'm still a newbie, here's my first one:
So I was new on the group and on the game, so I really didn't knew what to expect. My party, 'Shingeki no Goblins' (That's the name I gave it, at least) and me were going up a mountain cause some dude told the party, before my arrival, that he was having trouble with some Goblins that had their nest somewhere on that mountain. So before we arrive, a huge, badass centaur shows up and it's ready to stomp our heads cause he's a forest guardian of some sort and doesn't like intruders, so I decide to intervene and talk to the guy, rub his back a lil, make sure he knows we are not there to cause harm to the forest and whatnot. Roll a Nat 16, I believe but since my Charisma is high AF, especially my deception, dude let's us go through and even gives us a magical horn he had.
Turns out, our DM is new to the thing, and forgot to check what languages do centaurs talk, so in the end the guy did not understood a single word I said, but THE WAY I SAID IT was so convincing that he spared us. I did not get any XP but I was given 1 inspiration point for that performance.
It doesn't understand you but is flattered anyway.
@@stm7810 Is that a Undertale reference?
@@teo-kk7zk Yes :D Froggit dialogue.
@@stm7810 I see you're a man of ~culture~ Undertale as well.
Ooops culture should be crossed
4 levels in paladin go oath of redemption.
16 levels in bard go college of lore.
Focus on charisma ASIs and put expertise in persuasion.
You can now pass a DC 54 persuasion check.
Seduce the world.
Seduce me.
You?
Seduce Me...
Bard i aint gonna-
SEDUCE ME!
@@ianmoser9435 This is a build. My charisma is like a 9.
@@christopherbryan160 "So much wasted potential"
Lol every thing will have my babies
Bard: I'm going to fuck the world.
DM: *visibly confused on all of the planes of existence* what????
Bard: I, am going to stick my massive throbbing love meat
DM: ok-
Bard: into the very ground we stand upon and screw this fertile sexy soil like its never been screwed before!
DM: please sto-
Bard: I'M GOING TO FUCK THE PLANET SO HARD IT'LL HAVE A WOBBLE IN ITS ORBIT FOR A THOUSAND YEARS!!!! I'M GOING TO MAKE SWEET PASSIONATE LOVE TO THE PLANET AND CUM DEEP INTO THE PLANETS CORE AND MAKE PLANET BABIES!!!!!
*The whole table is silent and deeply uncomfortable as the bard shouts and laughs maniacally*
DM: ..............................
DM: ..............*raises a finger meekly and opens his mouth to speak*
DM: *sighs heavily and sinks down defeatedly behind his screen* FFFFFFFFFFFFINE! Roll a seduction check...... what's your persuasion?
Bard: *leans back with the most smug look on his face* 54
DM: *reeees internally in agony* roll.....with advantage *he says through teeth clenched so tight they may crack and shatter any second*
Bard :*casually painting a Bob Ross painting during the final fight *
Everyone : *inspired*
"Looks like this BBEG is gonna have... _a happy little accident..."_
*Dragon*
"I roll to seduce. 20!"
"Roll a con save."
"What, Why?!"
"Roll the save."
"6+1."
"You take 12 points of bludgeoning damage. And you might want to visit the temple when you get back to town."
Male dragon.
But did you die
I'd let my PCs seduce dragons of any gender.
Only 12? A moment of weakness on the dm's part it won't happen again
@@firestorm165 hey don't judge that dragon
things like that happen to everyone!
@@teamcyeborg he did, he just chose to make the dragon a little too...affective
Matthew Mercer hasn't shown up yet and I'm playing a somber bard who performs in prose and plays the violin. I need my dose of foam noodles thrown at my head.
Keyword here is YET ;)
Maybe he's already shown up in spirit and is just throwing emotional foam noodles at you.
*matthew Mercer appears with 300 foam noodles*
He's to busy throwing them at me
I need my dose of Matt Mercer
No lie, I had a rapping Warforged Bard (like I assume everyone else did, because why the hell wouldn't you) named Beatbox at one point. They (monogenders are for organics) had an Embedded Component that basically let them automatically reproduce instrumental music... so they were never without a phat beat for their illest of skillests, laying a verbal beatdown of epic proportions.
The only reason I retired them is because coming up with raps every session, and sometimes on the fly, got REALLY hard. I'm too white for that. ;_;
Create notes beforehand, for every situation that you might come by. When time comes, you will spit FIRE
@@pedropimenta896 That's eventually what I had to do, which was great until the DM threw me a curve ball. Doing Psychic damage for an especially sick diss never stopped being funny, though. Maybe I'll do this again sometime...
If his name was neither Mike Check not Boom Bot I feel like you missed an opportunity.
That being said impressive that you managed to keep the 'On the Fly' for any serious period of time, props to you for putting the effort in. :D
So, basically, you were Doombox from Lethal League?
How about a wizard who casts his spells in old school rhyme? Ex: "Those that would incur my ire, SHALL FORTHWITH BE PURGED IN FIRE!!"
1:40 this hits so differently now that Mat Mercer made an appearance in the DM video.
My bard was a prettier version of Waluigi that got eliminated from existance because he high-fived a past version of himself... Long story
That would make a great video
Please, tell us more. This can't be forgotten.
well, we had to fight our old party member who was an evil centaur that made a deal with the devil himself to get a lot of power.
We managed to kill him but when I went to check if he was really dead he came back to life so we had to kill him again, the druid in our team managed to crit him and one shot him but the demon came back to life once more, this time he managed to kill me and the druid, turning us into undeads.
The party somehow managed to kill him a third time, this time he was dead for food but me and the druid were ashes on the floor, thankfully an npc offers us a vial that could resurrect the ashes of one of the two fallen heroes, It also happens that we had these little sphere that could send one of us back in time, so of course the first thing my party did was to male a little castle out of the ashes and to pour the vial over It to see what would happen, it was not a pretty sight to say the least.
Thank god for the time traveling sphere right? Wrong.
One of them goes back in time and does the SAME thing again, this time tho I manage to get resurrected just fine, so now I can go back in time and resurrect my other friend so that we both live, I do just that but before we can resurrect my friend a bright idea pops in the mind of one of the party members: "can we have two bards at the same time?" We try and sure enough here is an exact copy of me, now, my DM makes this very VERY clear: " be careful not to touch your past self or viceversa, you have no idea what would happen" so the first thing that comes to mind to my party is: "if you have sex with yourself is it masturbation or incest?? You can answer that question now!!!" Thankfuly we were just joking around so nothing like that happened.
What happened was that while the others were discussing what to do next I was there shouting jokes at myself so clearly what do you do when you want to express how much fun you are having? You high five yourself.
Thankfully an npc offers us a vial that could resurrect the ashes of the SINGLE fallen, but now another party member has lost an ear lobe and the whole underground is a bit more sad, since everyone is missing a wandering bard in their lives.
And that's the story of how an epic bard named Valdo was lost to time and space itself.
But if you could help me I have a mission and a glorious vision, if we can somehow have this channel make a video about my character maybe I could convince my DM that somehow getting erased from time and space is not actually that bad and you can manage to find a very hard way to regain fisical form and become the God of TIME AND SPACE, kinda like gaster from undertale is not really really gone but is actually spreaded across the multiverse, just no one remembers him.
@@reks334 this is very relatable
No but thanks for taking your time to write it out, it was a good read haha
@@reks334 I don't know if there are alternative universes in d&d lore. But maybe your party can try to summon one of the alternative versions of your character that didn't get eliminated from existence.
my bard was a kenku who just functioned as a living record player
I'm playing a Kenku bard right now!!
I once played a game with a kenku bard and an aaracokra ranger.
Let me tell you, the bard wrote a LOT of "Fuck you" songs about the ranger
Did you name them Stitch by any chance?
K I R I??!??!?!
haha record player!
As a mom....THANK YOU for explaining this in a way I can understand! I have struggled thinking my son only speaks GOBLIN....when he would try and tell me about his games I was CLUELESS! I am not a nerdy mom BUT want to listen and support my boys...So seriously thank you.
Just rewatched it and took a closer look at 0:07 - Don't know how I missed that >_
@@ShugoAWay would've thought Pocahontas would play more of a druid than a paladin
@@ShugoAWay I mean, wasn't the movie version of Pocahontas all about freedom of expression and learning from other people? Hard to see that as a "no fun lawful paladin"
❤️
Holy shit, I watched this so many times and I always was like "What's with the random Disney princess insert". Sneaky bastard
in my campaing the bard tried to woo the main villian. *_he did_*
the villian died of aids
Lmao.
Tell the story.
witherblaze so when i was DMing a one timer i had a group of 4 (cleric, warlock, fighter, and of course the bard) after the introdactions while in the tavern the bard found a female persueded her to woo her (rolled an 18) after the "action" i told him he got aids and to roll a constitutio save *he rolls a 20* i told him he is immune to the desease they play through the campaign they get to the villain (wich is also female) and the bard gets an idea he tries to persued th main villain he needs to roll a critical success to do that
*witch he does* he woos the villain the villain kills the bard then i fail a constitution save, the villain dies of aids and we laugh our asses of
Well, that is one way to beat the bbeg.
@@agsilverradio2225 the old bone and begone
Me: this class sounds good
Him: they're lust compelled sex-deviants
Me: .......I've found my class
Honestly, same though.
*gets the lube*
The fact that I want to play a bard and I'm planning on him being bi but asexual towards women kinda makes me feel like he will end up being the closest thing to a virgin in a group of stereotypical bards.
@@BEEEES and his bard friends will all be supportive about that if they're real friends
@@BEEEES so he’s gay
Bard: that's a neat boss you got there, it would be a shame if someone... seduced it.
I’m a bard with +persuasion because of the Throne Card. I’m just going to bang the dragon and come back later for the half dragon lol
@@lebanemcarl68 *that half dragon is your child*
@@frenchsoldier8485 * Put that one meme here of a man screaming ,,No! No, oh god please No! No! Noooooo!"
@@teo-kk7zk you forgot a no
@@frenchsoldier8485 Where?
Omg, I just realized that the things Matt Mercer held in the Dungeon Master video were the foam noodles he'd throw at people. That's Genius
Meanwhile, my party's rogue is the horny one and the bard is a chill salesman... With a healthy lack of ethics in everything besides selling stuff.
Mine too, expect I took a joke to far and made my Bard a furry... don't let your rouges pickpocket building and take the door people or else you could be dressing up as a furry to trick a salesman.
.... as a bard, I was a Tiefling chior boy. It's a funny story and part of his sales pitch "lemme tell ya the story of me conception."
As a Rogue... I have talked the enemy out of combat enough that the rest of the party got mad. So I seduced the princess to make the queen unleash her entire army on us. All according to plan. Fortunately i already had the General and Blacksmith seduced to aid us as well.
Thats how I play bards, that and they fake other classes like how people lie on resumes.
Never let the smart ones become bard....never.
Not gonna lie, that was a pretty sick rap at the end
Just like a true bard main. I salute you
At my table I am banned from playing Bard after I ended what was supposed to be a very long campaign in the third session with clever use of a Hold Person spell, a flying lute and a Barbarian.
Oh? Do tell.
@@lykillcorreli6740 Well a few weeks before the campaign started we created our characters and the DM asked us about magical items and ones we wanted. Me being a bard and king of the rhumba beat I wanted an Instrument of the Bards, specifically the Doss Lute. Fast forward to the first session, we are introduced to an allied Dragon, who coincidentally had a large stash of treasure including all of the magical items the players said they wanted. We would receive one piece of her treasure if we did a quest. Me being a bard, seduced the dragon and convinced her that we could get the job done better if I "borrowed" the lute. Fast forward 2 weeks later, after some shenanigans breaking the druid out of jail, on top of the clock tower in the middle of town the dark evil dude started an evil ritual of some sort. Now the DM planned for this to be an introduction of the main bad guy, but what happened instead is I cast Fly on the Barbarian, he picked me up and Superman'd to the top of the tower. I used Hold Person on the bad dude, and the Barbarian simply picked him up and threw him off. Once he landed the DM ruled he was not dead from fall damage, but the hold person was still in effect, so we tied him up and carried him back to the friendly dragon. She ate him. And that's how we became heroes.
@@marmotbro4673 Damn, prompt service and you do delivery. She better have given you a tip.
@@marmotbro4673 your DM must have been tearing his hair out.
Seems like they shouldn't have introduced their big bad on the top of a clock tower if they didn't want him to fall off it. Murphy's law, they really should've seen it coming. I mean, this villain is meant to be _that_ important to the story that the _entire_ campaign hinges on this guy staying alive? Come on, he had no legendary resistances? He didn't have a Wizard cast a clone spell on him? There's a million and one ways out of having him captured or killed. Hell, just have him cheat death by means of some other kind of resurrection. If the DM _really_ wanted that very long campaign they could have had it with the snap of their fingers.
Quest Giver: Did you slay the dragon?
Bard: Wait, slay? I thought you said lay!
My current D&D party:
1 - A cleric who hates healing
2 - A fighter with the Str stat of a Wizard
3 - A Rogue who never uses sneak attack
4 - A Wild magic Sorcerer with an obsession with Catnip (They're a Tabaxi....)
5 - A player who has their character die every few session because the DM hates them
6 - The Assimar Bard with expertise in intimidation who can turn into a fallen angel having everyone within 10ft of them to wet their pants and dealing a ridiculous amount of necrotic damage in the process with an aura of death and fear.(Why do I have to be the only one who takes the game seriously?)
I prefer a wizard with the str stat of a fighter. no one expects you to cast fist
@@Straven93 I CAST *BIG STICK*
I'm curious what stats/abilities/spell the bard is using for that mass affect... I need some tips for mine
@@matthewdc6 It's an Aasimar ability, specifically a Fallen Aasimar ability, but all Aasimar types have an ability that, among other things, allow them to do extra damage each turn! For the Fallen Aasimar and the ability they are talking about here, it's called Necrotic Shroud, and it causes the frightened condition to anyone around them who fails their saving throw and, for one minute, they can deal extra Necrotic damage each turn they hit an opponent, equal to their character level!
Only downside, I'm pretty sure you can only use that move once per Long Rest!
What's a rouge?
I'm keeping an eye on those figurines ...
Same. He's gonna screw around with something.
@@basilschizas2211 Probably the Bard. Bard *screws* everything.
Same
does anyone else find the bobbing wiggler head oddly hypnotic?
You inspired one of my players to create a Bard who didn't sing, she was a tabaxi who painted pictures with her tail. The flavor of that character was absolutely beautiful
You beautiful bastard did it again! Awesome guide, thanks XD
Take that back!
It's a crap guide and you know it
I've watched this video many times over now, and only just noticed Jocat's character wearing a wig with the other disney princesses at 0:07
As did I like 10 minutes ago, don't worry
wow good call lol
Oh! I didn't notice until I read this. I kept looking at Arial and never bothered to look around.
That's Cinderella's hair
W h a t h a p p e n e d
@@juggerNOTtoday He couldn't remember if it was 'laying bitches and slaying witches' or 'laying witches and slaying bitches'
Still love the lesser known fact ur adding miniatures of the classes u cover... Swell wishes and keep it up it made veterans laugh
Even after knowing he did the same thing for MHW (and making the LS longer) I still failed to notice this. Am I even a real HIJEK fan anymore.
It's my favorite part about the video
I wonder if hell pick a diference race or if hell repeat a few.
I hope he keeps making the bard sexier
@@SpamDestroyer do this
I remember one Bard character I saw who was actually an old army dude and his form of inspiration was telling stories like 'this reminds me of the time we-'
"All rouges are claptomaniacs."
Me, a rouge main: Well...
Well get clapping rouge
That moment when you were about to do a Fireball-level burn over a single misspelled word and you realize you're a bad person. XD
rogue... rouge is makeup
"yelling at container of rouge" *CLAP DAMN YOU!*
@@crimsonwizahd2358 *suddenly disappears and claps ur cheeks with a crit hit sneak attack*
The fact I find your Tiefling Bard so hot means you made an amazing Bard and that I am now also a Bard. Thanks Joseph :)
Tiefling bards of either sex tend to be the sexiest bards.
Thank God I'm not the only one who thought that
Hell yes? WHY DO I KEEP FINDING PEOPLE WITH MY NAME ITS FUCKING WEIRD FOR ME
*He ain't the only One who made Tiefling Bards*
I don’t know how, but every Tiefling bard is really hot.
I love it.
I'm a little sad you couldn't fit in magical secrets. Bards can know literally ANY spell in the fucking game. Still though, great job.
Ya with their 1 spell slot
Animate Objects. Only one you need. Want to become a one bard band? Want to bludgeon a dragon to death with it’s own gold?
And that future kids is how Bards are all the parents of Sorcerers, by seducing during campaign boss fights.
Does that mean if I did so with my tabaxi lorebard, all sorcerers in the future could be cat girls/boys with a strong dose of ADHD?
....This sounds like a really bad idea....
I AM GONNA DO IT!!!
@@Elenrai I don't wanna be that person, but Sorcerers don't have to have magical parents. Most of them (wild magic, storm sorcery, divine soul, clockwork soul, sometimes abberant mind) seem to come from ordinary people being randomly 'irradiated' by pure magic from other planes. Also apparently you can literally make your own a Sorcerer in a pot
Yeah Im actually a condomancer
Remember not to let your concentration break ;)
So the school of magic that deals with condos?
@@Punintentionally yeah, they summoned the entire apartement
You get a permanent -6 to charisma if you use condoms as a bard. Thems the rules.
In fact, you gain +1 to charisma for each STD you manage to catch.
@@MapleBull95 Really?! I have to go adjust my character sheet!!
I don't even play DND, nor do I have a basement or friends to play DND with. But, if I survive until next year, I can join the DND club
Try playing online. There are probably subreddits for people who are looking for groups.
You’re almost there!
did you survive?
That's a mood right here
@@jonathanrich9281 yeah but (personally) the best way to play dnd (even as a first time) is with friends or at the very least people you know
They can sing, dance, paint, prance,
make a pretty dirt drawing with a lance,
plenty of ways to further enhance the battle field if given the right chance
YYYYYEEEESSSSSS
Now watch the Races video.
This video was what made me wanna play bard for my first DND session. Within the first session he stole a mask and hijacked an elven parade. And he's a skeleton.
Lay dragons you say?
*NOW THAT'S MY KIND OF CLASS*
Same 😏
And died of snu snu
@@lem2004 The body is willing, but the flesh is spongy and bruised.
"Lay on hands"? More like "lay on dragon"
Me as a dragonborn bard: we making this work
>cant play music irl
>guess I'm playing music in any game that offers me the option
>"The Thunder Rolled like Waves on Black Seas"
>everything dies
*Why did the Jack Skelington INSPIRED get me so hard*
In what way ;)
something about bones and boners...
Whelp, better get ready for the foam noodle onslaught
"You have to follow that contract or Matt Mercer will break into your house and throw foam noodles at you."
And now I will make a barbarian with a noble background!
Mad King
I believe it was the book Sabrael about the lawful good girl necromancer that contained a noble barbarian. Basically dude lost his shit in combat but was otherwise a pretty swell noble.
Bard: I’m going to seduce the Dragon!
DM: You won’t seduce the Dragon, it will eat you-
Bard: NATURAL 20!!! Looks like that Dragon is going to eat me, if you know what I mean~
DM: OH GOD DAMNI-
the dragon has a vore fetish, it eats you for real, but it's very fun for both of you.
A good DM will never let a player roll something that is impossible to succeed at =B
Or you just make them seduce a male dragon and then roll for damage. If you know what I mean.
@@justbrowsing4925 So funny story about that... My friend was testing out his DM skills on us with a one-shot, and since he had never DMed before, it was an insane, no rules, anything goes, homebrew one shot. So we get to the dragon, the second to last boss, and my character, an executioner, looks at my friend's character, a bard, and yells "You're a bard! Seduce it or something!" upon which my friend rolled a Nat 20. The DM then just sighed, rolled his dice, went "Oh... Oh no..." and rolled again, looking my bard friend dead in the eyes. The conversation was as follows:
"So, I'm sorry to say this, but you just took 16 points of bludgeoning damage."
"I what?"
"Oh, and you bleed 1 hp every 1.5 minutes until you either die or get healed"
"What? Why?"
"It was a male dragon. It impaled you. I'd describe the scene, but it was too grotesque, even for this party."
The bard got healed, but he was never the same after that. The player, on the other hand, laughed his ass off, as did the rest of us.
Look 'em in the eyes and say "DC:60 we're playing Pathfinder now bich"
0:07
holy crap hes actually at the table
@Dewani90 cinderella's real name is Ella
I knew a guy who made a bard with sock puppets as his performance skill. Had different personalities and voices for whichever puppet was fronting at the time.
me: makes bard character
Bard: i want to Seduce a dragon!
also bard: is dragonborn lol
That should at least protect you from damage
Lol I'm currently playing a dragonborn bard and when I was writing the first things (before I started to take it seriously) I put "Fuck a dragon/masturbate (they're equivalents)"
Is his name Oedipus?
That'd prob give you dis, seeing as all true dragons hate dragonborns.
Like father like son.
What do you mean Matt Mercer will NOT actually throw foam noodles at me for not playing a stereotypical D&D character because he doesn't judge the way I have fun & is a genuinely swell guy. Also why he may throw foam noodles at ME for other reasons and I should still watch my bac..... oh.....
Liam: Matt could't came *throws foam*
In my next campaign, we’re gonna be a hippie band of bards spreading our sick tunes because we don’t need those fancy clerics or barbarians when we can murder orcs with our funky songs
By murder orcs you mean have lots of sex wit the orcs. Then go out for a pack of smokes when the ones that can get knocked up get all belly swoll.
@verlie King Oh, it was well known for a while. Just nobody says it, because it would only encourage the Bards.
Thank you so much for bringing up how bards can do things besides music for their performance!! One of my best bards was a mime, and completely mute. Throughout the yearlong campaign he only communicated through body language, and would mimic the person's desired action succeeding when giving them inspiration.
I have the most dysfunctional group known to man. There's this one guy planning play a bard, but he will become a one man band.
He said his instrument of choice is an organ with wheels, the pedals playing war drums, the pipes blowing out fire, and the second set of piano keys playing every instrument.
I'm quite fascinated as to how he thought that out.
Normies: Dungeons and Dragons
Bards: Dragons and Sex Dungeons.
Hell of a username
*in
No.
*BAD* Dragons and Sex Dungeons.
FearRanger this is the best version 😂
Slept drangon and sex dungeon
I've seen all kinds of characters in each class and creed. Crafted carefully by kind hands and clever wits to subvert and surpass each previous creation in complexity and indearment. But never, not once have I seen someone play a bard that wasn't horny.
Imagine how crazy bard college was
BARD ORGY BARD ORGY
Haha, I actually play an asexual bard that only wants attention when its not lustful attention. My bard nopes out of any situation where someone is flirting with her.
Plot twist: horny paladin. (Oath of Conquest, probably.)
Well when you main stat is charisma and you get to choose persuasion and performance, best to use your strengths to your advantage. I honestly prefer the bard class because of the jack of all trades feature that I plan to abuse until all DMs collectively ban the class because not even the gods themselves can stop the sexual tyrant that is the bard class.
I love the Bob Ross reference at 2:14.
Your channel is the reason why I decided to play D&D.
This video is why I main bards.
Same...
Except I only played dnd once over the course of about 4 days
Bards are the Swiss Army knife of D&D.
Vern the Fox black Dragonborn. I respect that. What class?
If the knife was a chainsaw and the screwdriver was a condom dispenser than yes a bard is the swiss army knife of dnd
1:40 Do I spy the Paladin from the latest episode making an early appearance?
I'm almost shocked at the level of detail in this series.
Don't forget the moment in 1:28 i think it's the half-orc from the ranger video
in the cleric video the sorcerer is floating
Yes, as the pretty face that distracts the Bard. Now watch the Warlock video and look at who got married :)
@@jayhill8892 and divorced because of the warlock
This video was how I got into D&D,
I was very confused, and intrigued
I’d love to hear about a bard who’s basically Silvagunner. Taking well known songs in D&D and changing them with memes and jokes until they sound completely different xD
silver crossbower
*The party steps into the dungeon and faces the enemy*
*The bard begins playing an epic/Celtic version of We are Number One*
YEEEES.
Through the nuts and the shacks
Have you watched Critical Role? 😂
So far we’ve got a dwarf barbarian and a tiefling bard. I see where this is going.
Night elf rogue?
THIS IS BLOODSTONE HELLFIRE, MY HALF-NIGHT ELF ROGUE WITH DUAL SCIMITARS AND A PET PANTHER THAT FEASTS ON THE SOULS OF THE DAMNED. HIS PARENTS WERE KILLED BUT WHO GIVES A SHIT, HE WAS RAISED BY MOTHERFUCKING SHADOWS AND HIS BROTHER IS ALSO HIS RIVAL AND THEY HAVE EPIC ANIME BATTLES LIKE NARUTO AND SASUKE DO IN MY FAVORITE SHOW OF ALL TIME. OH YEAH AND HE ALSO WEARS A BLACK CLOAK MADE OF FUCKING NIGHTMARES AND MORE BELTS THAN THE AVERAGE SUBURBAN COOKOUT
@@kingcorporeal HE ALSO FEASTS HIMSELF IN ORPHAN BLOOD EVERY NIGHT AND KNOWS HOW TO CAST MISTY STEP BUT THE MIST IS BLACK
@@jimjimmy8900 but secretly he has a heart of gold
@@chainsnz8164 he was always Chaotic Neutral and converted in the mid of the campaign
"All bards are lust compeld sex deviants"
Me: *causally looks toward my 15 year old goblin bard*
Looks to my rainbow half-asexual bard.
...did you know that goblins canonically reach maturity at the age of 8?
@@cookiebombcasualemail5284 to be fair even with multiple books the rate at which the different races age could still be shown a lot more clearly. its not easy to keep track of this way.
@@maximillionchaoswolf Try 5etools
*Goblin Slaying rising up*
Knowing that matt mercer is in the dm episode makes the joke about him in this episode so much funnier imo