Hmm, this could be interpreted in multiple ways though, no? For example, if you wait for your turn to speak, it could be seen as you're truly hearing what they have to say and waiting to speak your mind about it, while just listening would be you never contribute, meaning you aren't really paying attention. I get what the intention of the phrase is due to context, but it really just works because it sounds cool.
@@johndinner4418 but if you are waiting for your turn to speak then you stopped listening, and started thinking about what you want to say, therefore not listening to the end
@@delaplaces7130 Not particularly. For example if you apply some of the concepts here, you're thinking about what you want to say. Does that mean every time you think about applying the concepts of this video you're not listening? Are you gonna boot up until they finish what they had to say to then think what to respond, something like "That sounds stressful?" How did you know to say that if not by thinking what you want to say?
@@johndinner4418 I know what you’re saying…..basically if you didn’t listen you wouldn’t wait for your turn to speak, while in the other hand listening could be that of….well listening and never responding, although this would be different under the guise of a request, and not a question or comment. I guess most people would assume someone who waits to speak is hasty, and because they’re hasty, they’re not listening, and yeah..…but you’re right, that’s not always true.
One huge, HUGE thing that helped me in conversations and with active listening was to let the other person finish speaking before thinking about your response. I do this all the time, and it's easy to miss the meat of what someone is trying to say because you drew a conclusion about it early in their response.
I remember having my mind blown the first time I heard that tip, because it had never occurred to me that people think about what they're gonna say while others are speaking... Or at all. I don't/can't do that. I don't plan what I am going to say, ever. I have no idea wtf is gonna come out of my mouth until I'm saying it. 😅
@@Daniel-Davies-Gonstead-Student you don't understand. 😅 I don't have an inner monologue. It's not that I'm responding too quickly. It's that I genuinely have no way of deciding what I am about to say, because I cannot think using words. (Which is WHY it was mindblowing... I don't imagine it would have been such a shocking concept if it were something I was capable of doing, lmao)
Tools: - paraphrase what the other person said to confirm what you’re hearing - minimal encouragers to show you’re engaged and encourage other person to keep speaking - emotion labelling to show empathy
@@suecli8131Nodding, reacting with slight facial expressions (they talk about something good then you smirk). Essentially be invested in what they say and physically act accordingly
@@suecli8131basically just a lot of nonverbal ques that show that you are interested. Eye contact is basic along with your body facing the client. Another one that most people dont mention is the projection of emotions on your face. If the person is talking about something tragic, a slight frown would help mirror what they are saying. It's a subtle way of showing empathy and that you got the message of what they were saying.
I ate up these kind of advice in my younger years, but one day I tried to do that active listening thing when my friend was distressed. She talked for an hour straight. I was squished like a lemon after the conversation. I told my therapist about that and she said "But you don't need to do that". And yeah, I don't, and you don't have to do that too. Sometimes it's nice to listen but only if ur in the resource to do that and mostly of all you WANT to listen. Don't forget about urself please, or u'll be hella frustrated in ur social life. Sometimes you need to vent and u need to be listened to too. And it's okay, it's normal, it's beautiful.
Exactly. You are not obligated to listen to people if you don't want to, not at all. But if you do want to listen to people and let them know and feel that you are then this is how
Naw, venting is only done in a social media post from an anonymous account that is deleted later, wouldn't want to burden my friends like that. I yap too much as is lol.
@@deepspacecow2644 It depends on the person/relationship, but most good friends are not burdened by learning about your struggles. If you're unsure if they are ready to listen, you could say "Do you mind if I vent for a bit?" or something like that to gauge their receptibility. I used to (and still sometimes do) struggle with feeling like talking about my problems is a burden to my friends, but I realized that I don't feel burdened when they vent to me and they have directly told me that it doesn't bother them when I vent. Oftentimes, venting to each other makes us feel closer and like we understand each other better. If you only share the positive or fun bits about your life, it reduces the chance for others to get to know you on a deeper level. That might be what you want though, and that's fine! Everyone's social needs are different!
i grew up not being heard and always ignored, and i don’t want anyone else to feel like that, so i always try my best to listen to others and keep the conversation going. i clicked on this video, hoping to learn more communication skills, but i feel kind of proud to say that i’m actually doing all of these things already haha. thank you for this video :)
Same here. As a kid I felt like people didn’t understand me and always overlooked my interests. I had a speech impediment as a child and many didn’t have to patient to hold a conversation with me so I just stopped talking and started listening. Even to this day I still hesitate to share my interests with others but I love engaging in the interests of others.
You know, sometimes just explaining a bug you have in your code as a software developer to someone who listen, you sometime find the solution by yourself that's why my first response to a developer with a bug in their code is to explain the code and the bug. This also works in RL too.
@@isenewotheophilus6485 ah, rubber duck debugging. i work as a programmer too, and i actually do find myself often being my colleague’s rubber ducky haha
I feel like I started doing this accidently because as a welder in a trailer factory, everyone is go go go. No one listens to other people, and you will really notice how mean people are to the elderly people that are still forced to work.. I couldn't stand seeing them get ignored while they were talking and it pissed me off. I would often interject into other's conversations when I seen it happen just so I could act excited about whatever the old guy was talking about. You name it, mowing, cars, politics, shoes, hair, women, men, I don't give a damn what you're wanting to talk about, I'll sit there and yap with you. I also love learning shit and that helps me alot in those conversations. But honestly It just feels good to let them dudes say the craziest shit and just smile and nod your head. They love it, the day goes by faster and I finish my work before anyone so it doesn't effect me ever. I can't stand when people turn their back to others while they talk. Maybe it's cause my father was a marine or cause him and grandfather passed a few years back. If someone ignores you while you speak to them, don't talk to them anymore.
I study psychology and use these tools in my daily life. A lot of people, when they hear that, think I know how to read minds or something because I study psychology or that I'll take advantage of them and it's a dumb stereotype imo. For the most part, it was an unconscious thing I did, but when I learned more about it in my studies I started to consciously use these tools all the time. People like you a lot more. My friends and family, even strangers, always seem very grateful to have me to talk to them and it makes me happy but sometimes I get sad because I don't find the same kind of listening reciprocated very often and I get lonely. I'm not someone who talks much about themselves in the first place, I usually just journal my thoughts and concerns because when I try to talk to people I'm often disappointed and feel like they're not really listening or care. When I do talk to someone who actively listens to me back it's such a nice moment.
i totally relate bro. i mostly journal so that i dont have to dump stuff onto people. if you need someone to listen to you, im always looking for new people to interact with. cheers.
i was going to comment something similar but holy shit you said it perfectly. I was watching and thinking that i feel like i already do a lot of these thing, and people do say i am a good listener, but i rarely ever feel like i get it back and have struggled with loneliness for a long time. I will also agree that journalling has been a huge help in keeping me stable as i often dont feel i have someone i feel comfortable reaching out to. it doesnt feel helpful at first but as i messed around with it, i found a voice i enjoyed expressing myself in. I also just recently finished Mans search for meaning by viktor frankl and it really helped me feel comfortable that this is something i can always give to other people that will make them feel better, which is incredibly valuable.
I feel you bro. Sometimes I really have the urge to just say "fck you all" because of the feeling, that so many people don't want or can't give back the work, that you put in other person feelings. Just frustrating sometimes
@@derbeen2898me too bro, it’s hella frustrating. Something that I try to keep in mind is that most of the time it’s not on you or how you are as a person, it more has to do with the other persons attentive skills and what they care about. It’s all about finding the right people to be around who will actively engage with you and try to lift you up.
I feel like most people do this naturally if they are interested in the subject matter or the person. I feel as if this video is mainly to understand listening skills in order to fake them to people you dont want to offend
@@Max-hs4vu I was about to comment the same thing. My thoughts were a little different than yours: I feel like the video wants you to know, consciously, what you're doing, even if you're already doing it. Now, that could be for two reasons (in my view): To reinforce your active listening so you keep doing it, considering you already know this; To bring it to the attention of those that don't. This video wouldn't exist if active listening was a majority of people. To sum it up, it's good that he brought this subject up and tried to change how conversations happen for at least some people.
Its a learned social skill. You probably had a positive influence in your life that you subconsciously copied in their social approach. This is why this is so valuable it spreads. You probably have taught others these skills without knowing.
I try to do it all the time because I’m not very good at making response. However, someone people talk about themselves in a way that makes me very difficult to use this approach. These conversations usually end in dead air as I don’t feel comfortable talking about myself but couldn’t come up with something else to say. I guess those people don’t want to open up to me either but I wonder if there are other reasons.
I realised the importance of being heard during my childhood due to reasons like my mom not paying attention to my ramble about school, being cut off while speaking by my friends, being wronged by adults just because i didn't want to be rude by arguing back and stuff like that. I noticed how it affected me and decided that whoever talks to me must not feel that way, because for me it might just be a normal conversation but for someone else it could mean almost anything, i never know. And it became a habit- always listening actively if i am listening, telling the person I'm busy if i can't give them attention and then after getting the work done listening to them properly, making sure no one gets cut off or forgotten in a group conversation, always ALWAYS asking people to comtinue where they left off, even if it might seem annoying to a few, maintaining eye contact, nodding, and giving reactions even if i don't really feel it so strongly. Sometimes now that I'm a bit grown up i feel like I'm a fake, but i know I'm not, i just want whoever i meet to not feel unheard. So yeah, it is the most useful social skill. Earning trust & being reliable is just so satisfying
I can relate and am so glad you too turned a bad feeling into positive words and encouragement for others who'd otherwise be overlooked. One of the nicest compliments I got was after someone observing me teaching and talking with a large lively group, told me 'you're so inclusive; you didn't leave anyone out, even the one known for being difficult'. Made me smile.
@@SLIGHTLY-ANONYMOUS-2 thank you! Don't worry, I have my own friends who listen to ramble on and on for hours on the same or different things without ever getting bored or annoyed and i am blessed to have them😊❤ i hope you all have those people around you too.
@@oliviastar3812 aww that made me smile too. It's the little things that matter the most, a very simple gesture from us could make someone's day and might even become a special memory for them. you're doing great! Hope you have people who listen to you as sincerely too❤️
This is pretty much what turned my entire life when I needed it. I adopted a moto that was "Just shut up and ask questions", and it did wonders. I went from a boring guy, to a really interesting and charismatic one, as first, people as it is put, love to talk about themselves, and second you amass much more relevant knowledge when you did around that when you're busy putting on a show. That is especially useful when someone comes to you confrontationnaly. Ask them questions, it's a pro move to dodge a fight.
Psychology student here, a third year and Carl Rogers methods are excellent, being an active listener, accepting, non-judgmental and empathetic approaches made me learn that being a good listener instead of doing the usual giving out "blind advices" help people more in finding solutions to their problems than what blind advices can do. Help people gain their mental fortitude by making them feel heard so that they can be the ones to solve their problems!
i encourage you to look deeper into this kind of listening- there's a lot to it. it's also important to mention congruence is important, even when you're listening. also, i know, reading before 5 isn't all that impressive. thanks for letting me know lol
You should make a playlist for the topics you talk about, if possible, some topics may not be possible to categoryse, since they may be very unique, but active listening is a big thing I believe, and I'm sure you will make more videos about it
There’s still more to go with the confidence and that 100 page doc is gonna take a while to fully utilize but don’t fall into the trap of being repetitive I suggest down the line probably a year or 2 down you do another 100 page doc on another useful concept the idea is really good and has a lot of potential and you seem to know what your doing and how to structure it well
There comes a point where you, Yourself would also like to be heard but, Sadly that doesn’t get reciprocated back and it makes me sad that there’s really a rare amount of people who genuinely wants to listen.
In person, sometimes people feel shy. Talking about yourself can feel like you're self centered. Encourage talking by talking yourself about things that you enjoy. Did you go to the park? Talk about how your walk was, and then ask them if they did something, or what they like to do in their free time. Once they start talking encourage that by listening actively. Have you heard the phrase "introduce yourself before asking other people to do so"? It follows the same logic, it eases the conversation because you're the one lowering your barriers first. Also, remember to read social cues! Sometimes people just don't want to talk, come to them at a different time.
I feel there are two options for us- 1) Accept/assume that EVERYONE you talk to is a selfish person by nature, who may take and take from you but will never reciprocate it back to you. They will never care for you, listen to you the way you do for them. Once you accept this as a fact, it becomes easier for you to be kind , as you will never expect anything from others. 2) Divert your energies only to SPECIFIC people you think are worth your time and energy. Don't go around giving your energy, and don't try to be a good friend to everyone/ Remember, you are finite. You do not have infinite physical and/or mental energy. Focus it where you think you mag receive dividends ( in the form of genuine relationships, not one-sided ones). Personally, I like the 2nd option more.
@@RT-. Feel like it's partly due to "who asked" just making someone extremely nervous to even try just incase they get hit with that. Additionally, it's really hard to tell what someone's actually thinking online.
What I do is try to ask questions about themselves, and further encourage their line of thought if it feels like it's something they're actually passionate about or have strong emotional reactions to. Unfortunately there do exist people who really don't have anything to say about themselves, and that's alright.
Yeah, like few months before I was like a whole logic person! Always correcting people giving them solutions that this is your problem, and this is how you can resolve it, even after listening the whole thing what people saying, people weren't liking to be around me (well I'm a super introvert, so I always stay on my own, so it's no big deal for me)! But then my sister said that don't do this, not everyone wants solutions, everyone just wants to be heard! So like I started doing this, just listening to them and not giving them any advice until they ask, and slowly many people around me started getting comfortable around me! I also found that showing interest in other's work is much more effective way to make friends rather than showing them what many things I can do! So great content, I appreciate that 😊 My social skills are very bad lol, so I'm working on it! And found this content very relatable to my experiences!
Yep. A good lesson I've learned over the years is that a lot of the time people don't want a solution, they want to feel like you understand their struggles. They want to know that you care.
Ironic because I feel like I used to be that person who offered solutions promptly but now being on the other side, it's the opposite I don't want to hear about solutions. Maybe I just want to vent about being tired of solving things haha
I blamed myself many times that I was not an active listener, that I only talked about myself and was even interrupting people sometimes. One day, I understood this and tried to change my behavior. But it went too far. After some time, I started thinking that I had nothing interesting to say and stopped expressing my opinions on any topic. I simply became a stereotypical introvert. And now it's almost impossible to change, although on a rational level, I understand it's wrong. When i talk about myself now, I simply feel guilty that I talk and not somebody else. That's hard. 🤷
How has that journey been for you so far? How long have you been trying to change? I find myself in similar boats and patterns, like some kind of chronic over-corrector, so i can guess that its frustrating and confusing.
I get it. I’m like this too. I struggle to share something about myself unless asked directly… and even then it feels awkward. I think the cure is to slowly let yourself share things; an example could be as simple as inserting your opinion on a topic. When guilty, reassure yourself that your friends value your words, and on my case, directly asking them for reassurance does wonders. I go by this logic: if you truly enjoy hearing them, shouldn’t they enjoy hearing you too?
@verynoname hi 👋 I cannot say the precise moment in the past. Maybe it was 2 or 3 years ago when I thought that I should have more empathy for people. But after all this time, I also think it was artificial. Maybe I ask them about how they feel or what they feel like but it's more like coming from my brain, on a rational level. I can see that somebody is sad and ask them about what happened, but it's more automatic. I don't really feel any emotional connection. It hurts a lot, as I perceive myself as a bad person, without empathy, not suitable for society, and for sure, not worth knowing. Moreover, since last year, I've been thinking about the topic I wrote in my previous post. That nobody really cares about me, just as I don't really feel the emotional connection for them. That people ask me questions sometimes, but not because they are really interested in what I do and think, but because this is what the world is expecting us to do in a conversation. Like it's a rule - you're in a conversation, ask a question sometimes. It's hard for me to explain, I hope you understand.
You've chastised yourself and created a negative feedback when you express yourself. It's no more impossible to change than the previous change you already made. Give a few gentle expressions of your feelings a try when they fit with someone you're listening to, don't one up them, and with positive responses you can begin to build upon it.
I learned a long time ago that most people don't want to talk to you, but rather, talk at you. When you just listen to people, they tend to just tell you things they probably wouldn't have told you if you weren't just letting them vent. It's wild.
The sad reality is that most bullied people will learn this naturally. I myself have been bullied throughout my whole childhood, I was always cut short when I started speaking, no body was even looking at me while I spoke and they completely ignored me. Most of my jokes were repeated by the popular guys and that's when people laughed. It made me learn what NOT to do and naturally developed great listening skills. Even more depressing is that people who don't know about how to be a good listener won't appreciate someone who actively listens to them and supports them theoughout. It's really hard to find people who were in similar shoes or at least know about basic courtesy.
People have to learn the hard way. You get bullies that want you to stand your ground. But most just want to get away with abuse. Stoneall abuse is a line even a killer won't cross. And yet people encourage and enable this often.
I did this unintentionally in high school, the best part about it is how the people I listened to became more mature, happier and more confident! It’s nice being just a listener, but it’s better to be someone who understands…
I'm not exactly the most neurotypical person, so after COVID I had to re-learn how to act around people, especially since I felt no real connection with the people around me. I basically discovered all these steps by myself, with trial and error, and it's so funny to hear something that now comes to me naturally laid out this way. What I'd like to add is that oftentimes people don't really want to talk about deep things, they don't want you to be actively listening to them, and you can understand that because all these strategies will sound unsincere to your ear. Unfortunately not everyone is going to be your cup of tea and you're not going to be everyone's cup of tea, but what I found out to work with people that don't sound interesting to you is that they may have something interesting to tell you anyways, and it's up to you and your tools to gently steer them in the direction you're interested in. When people feel heard they are more willing to change subject.
I feel like I've always done this naturally a bit. I must just be an extra curious person because I ask about anything. Sometimes it doesn't go anywhere and certain people aren't talkative, but if I hear anything I find interesting, I have to ask about it. Even if it's rather mundane like "I fed my dog," I'll very likely still ask "oh, what kind of dog?" or "oh, you have a dog?" Then answering that leads to more questions since we're getting specific.
Yeah same, after watching this video i realized that not everybody actually does this. I somehow carry the conversation by just moving through one topic to another by asking questions. Though, the types of people who respond dryly with no extra information are the hardest to talk to. It’d just be like “Oh, you play guitar?” “Yes” just one word responses make me really put off. Tho ig that means they just dont want to talk
@@Tactless_Kaizen Totally, although I don't really ask random questions to people often enough lol. Come to think of it, I - someone who generally wants to talk - has made the mistake of answering random people's questions with 1-2 words far too often. It's almost a subconscious habit. Wonder how many potential friendships I've lost because of it...
@@Tactless_Kaizenas someone on the other side responding dryly, i usually do it because i assume the other person isnt really interested unless they ask follow up questions 😂 im still working on being less dry with my responses in general
I naturally does this with my close friend our conversation ends up lasting like hours, even longer if there are more friend that joins the conversation. Most of the time my friend is the one talking the most while i just do simple respond to him in a way like this video. Sometimes it could be vice versa but from my part i barely had stuff to share and more to actively listening
Do you ask these questions to random people on a sidewalk in park or just to friends? I feel like this might be a good way to start talking to strangers :D
I'm a psychology student and part of our curriculum is a practical course where we learn these exact skills (to apply in all sorts of professional contexts, not only therapy) and this was a great summary! Nice job
"If everyone is a boss, then the only one who is a worker will worth more than all the bosses." - Destro 2024 (myself) We live in an era where everyone wants to speak, that makes those who would listen worth more.
This is exactly how I’ve approached conversation for over 20 years. I learn more about it and get better as time goes on. It’s so good for both the speaker and the listener too. It’s nice to hear where this concept started. I never gave it much more thought than “sometimes people need someone to hear them. I’m not great at advice, but I love to listen.” But that was enough to shape my attitude of listening and relating to people. Thanks for this video!
this video makes me feel a little better about my social skills as this is how i interact with people everyday, the way people perk up when you listen to them and engage them is priceless and im glad i can make a positive impact in their lives, even if im just doing what feels right to me
After years of being the therapist friend i realized that i’ve actually started using the tools you mentioned even before i started studying psychology. I find that the things you mentioned in the video work the best and am glad to see that it’s a legitimate practice. Maybe I’ll look into being a therapist lol
Active listening looks so so subtle and so calm and takes no effort but in reality it’s highly important because people just give you the key to their golden city willingly
As someone that have went to multiple psychologist I’ve discovered that most of the time (about 70%) we have our own answers, there’s something special about someone actually listen to you and asking “what do you think you should do in X situation”, we just need someone to listen to us and not antagonize us to become better persons.
this helped me a lot! i'm autistic so sometimes trying to portray that i'm interested in a conversation i'm in is really hard/confusing to me but this helped me understand how to do that better! thanks :D
But it's not only for therapy, it's for connection and clear communication too c: If someone wants you to understand them, but they don't want to understand you, then you might not want to be friends with them anyway. Listening is a good way to figure out what kind of person you're dealing with Are they reciprocating your efforts? Are they genuinely interested in what you have to say? When you flip the advice, do you think they're listening to you? Communication works both ways :)
yeah that's the thing, I started doing something akin to this method naturally when I was younger, but after a while you just feel used. I mean I like all of my friends, but sometimes I feel like I'm doing so much effort for them and they never return it when I need it, it's almost to wonder if they're really my friends or just friendly acquaintances, it's very draining and borderline depressing...
@@thomquiri9860well that just brings into question whether or not they understand the way you go about things. Oftentimes people who try and be that therapist figure never have anything to say about themselves, so who’s to say you’re not making the same mistake? To them, everything could seem equal.
learned this in middle school and turned into a professional people's pleaser, for you own good please be egotistical, take space, speak and god willing you will be heard eventually
I swear I think I've done this subconsciously for like 5 years, and it 100% does work. I don't think I would be as close to my friends as I am now if I never 'actively listened'. I think it's a good sign in the world that you are able develop this process without any outside influence, and just being considerate and open. Also amazing video, glad it's blowing up because it's actually educational. As opposed to what is usually in the recommended.
It’s as simple as giving even 5% of care into the conversation focusing on those buzz words the other person seems passionate about and asking the right questions. You do these things and it’ll all be worth it
I’ve struggled heavily with social awkwardness, not so much anxiety. I just feel like people have a hard time communicating with me and I never really understood. But it all kinda makes sense now. I’ve been very depressed because my friend group felt really distant from me sometimes. This is huge for me! I think you just saved my life, genuinely thank you so much!!
This is how ive made so many friends! Always liked to listen since a kid, and you'd be surprise how so many people value someone that they can talk to no judgement
Rogers is famous not for CBT, but for client-focused humanitarian approach. It’s quite different from CBT where the therapist can be talking more than the client sometimes and not necessarily look for emotion behind. It’s often focused on behavioural change rather than genuine human connection.
Thank you for placing a label on something I’ve been doing for years. (For any Skeptics of these social tools, I can confirm across multiple personality groups these do work beautifully)
I have been doing all these things and I am so proud of myself for being there for my friends when they are having a hard time. When they say stuff like "Thank you for listening to me, I feel so much better now" it's enough to make me cry.
It’s great to hear these things spoken. Because I’ve been doing this for a while now, thanks to watching many videos like this one over the course of my life. All of what you said is true but by learning this skill to make people feel genuinely heard, it sometimes gets frustrating when people don’t share that same skill set. Although it’s easy to say “they may not know how to actively listen”, it still makes you feel like people don’t respect you, because you just wish they could be as engaged in your life as you are in theirs. This has been a long winded way of saying thanks for making this video. I hope it reaches many people so that they can also learn this very useful skill. Thank you :)
This is a very good and short summary on a complex and sometimes confusing matter. What also happens when you're genuinely interested, listen and ask the questions is you start to learn from others. And at some point you can try, but this is almost the hardest part to me, to give advice based on your experience/knowledge. And when your advice is heard,understood and maybe even applied/helpful that's the greatest reward
I'm that therapist friend of the group. If anyone has any problems they just share it with me, discuss the solutions, it's effects and all that. Speaking to me is benifitted with an attorney client privilege with means i don't share anything related to you with others or vice versa. They call me like they call no-one. I don't ignore calls, I take their funny matters seriously (to them) and then go on with my day as if nothing happened. I seriously want to get out of this, I don't wanna be nice, I don't wanna be supportive everytime. I listen to everyone but when I go out to share, they still think it's about them and they cut me off to speak theirs. I'm feeling helpless and this is a cry for help. If anyone had the same conditions as me and changed, how ?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but it still seems like you give a shit about your friends. But take my words with a grain of salt cause I haven't achieved your situation yet, but maybe like, be more judgey? Call them out when you're cut off? A doctor dying for a patient may be noble, but that means they can't continue being a salvation for people. If you really think you've become that guy, maybe you can say you deserve better. If they can respect and make efforts to reciprocate that request, then you've elevated your friend in a way that's good for all parties. And if not... shit brother we need more people like you on this planet and getting snuffed out would be a shame.
i used to be the therapist of my friends. honestly, i just responded with less empathy, more humor and talked about myself more. like the opposite of all this. like "i've been having a bad day, my mom yelled at me..." "damn that's crazy you should maul her. anyways i watched this new show!"
making a joke of it- not at their expense- can still make them feel better and give a boundary of "i aint talking about this right now" the best boundary is cutting the situation off- ie walking away- so cutting out the chance of talking about it seriously is a good way to place that boundary you can also just say "i'm sorry, but i dont have the energy to talk about this right now. i'd like to talk about something lighter" but i get scared that the person will get mad at basic healthy communication so
I'm still in the process of learning this myself, but I'd recommend some amount of honesty about the way you feel. This can be difficult to do, but it also brings with it the chance of increased connection and deeper friendship. I will usually just ask people if it's okay for us to talk about something that matters to me at the moment. I do feel that it's important to give them the option not to do so without it affecting our relationship in a bad way. I've found that this makes it a lot easier for me to communicate honestly whenever i feel my own capacity for active listening is reached. Implementation of this honest communication about one's needs and capacities was the easiest with those of my friends and family members who have been to therapy before, but i'm also slowly getting there with some of my other relationships.
tell them about this. exactly everything you've expressed in the comment. dont point a finger, but gently imply that you don't feel heard by them ("i dont feel heard" vs "you dont listen to me"). if they dont seem to care about it, ditch them imo, or at least keep your distance. if your effort and energy are not reciprocated, and you dont feel like your friends care about you and listen to you - why are you still calling them friends?
Wooooo new video. Seriously exactkly what i needed. I used your advice from the last video and CRUSHED an interview earlier today. Thank you for sharing this
I have been trained recently to do telephone crisis support work recently and I have been utilising all of these techniques. Its amazing how such conversational techniques can really open people up and allow them to assess their situations in a healthier context.
This actually works. I have been doing this without knowing what I was doing. People always tell me that I "get" them and that I actually "listen" to them. I always wondered what special thing that I do that they feel like that around me and share things with me that they don't with most people. This video answers the question. Good content as always. Keep it up!
Banger video and banger content. I can see in my own life how responding with clarification definitely helps too. People always say "communicate better, it's important" but rarely do people actually explain how to do it. Kudos to you.
This is an exceptional example of how social manipulations can be positive, and it is actually a very regular thing to seek and integrate in our communities.
Some notes I made: active listening is important to understand someone better. BE NATURAL in all of these. paying attention to content, and emotion paraphrasing communicating that you're listening (using affirmatives like I see, yes, etc) taking your time to respond instead of blurting out random related words. showing empathy when listening try to label someone's emotions after talking about something (stuff like "that sounds exciting", "you seem happy", or basically communicating loosely what you think the other person may be feeling at the time. listening != trying to genuinely understand them. Try to cultivate an interest in understanding other people, that's the general key of good listening.
This is a really good explanation, especially for someone on the spectrum like me. It's so, so important to try to understand the context and emotions behind the literal things the other person is saying. It's also one of the most genuine ways to affirm their feelings and make them feel less alone and weird.
I am glad more people are learning about active listening. Ever since I was small I struggled with eye contact, and because of that I had to learn how to show people I was listening with out saying something while they were talking and give responses that showed interest. Its so simple thinking back now but I never really thought much of it.
How do you personally deal with people that don’t respect your time and don’t shut up? Like that one co worker who’ll talk to you for two hours about himself.
I've dealt with this a lot, just respectfully and kindly end the conversation. Listening to people is nice, but if it's at your own expense, maybe you should consider prioritizing yourself. You don't have to listen to everyone.
some ppl talk too much I think, and it prevents others or yourself from having a chance to speak. In said cases, it's ok to cut it short, or find other ppl to talk to. Ideally, everyone would have an opportunity to speak, if desired, though admittedly many ppl are quiet or at times, are afraid to speak up
Respect is earned. People that make the time learn more. But speak your own mind to. digs is making excuses for lack of communication. Isn't that just conflict avoidance? Helluva boss show. I noticed Stella talks more while Stolas beats around the bush and is one to worry and avoid harder conversations. You could be like Stolas. Running away risks a dagger in the back. You're more likely to get respect by fighting back. In a word, feedback. Try asking more questions or something along those lines.
alot of this type of advice is useful for getting to know people and establish good impressions but lessens in effectiveness with longer term relationships, which most people need
With all due respect bro, thats just... wrong. If anything, you bring more to the table, since long-standing knowledge lets you skip a lot of the clarification checks, and comfort lets the both of you be more genuine. Do you feel like somethings just... missing in your conversations with these people? Its gotta be disappointing to put in all this effort, but have little to show for it
3:32 I have actually been doing this subconsciously lately. I never noticed it until now when I was watching this video. When I think back to all my recent conversations I remember that I would always ask those short summarised questions every so often as if to update myself on the conversation or to gain a better understanding. It is insane how easily we can do these things and never notice them. Yet when discussed, we finally see them. It's like how you said that the other never would have reached that conclusion without you asking and introducing questions or just listening to the conversation. Even just watching this video brings that tool of listening and understanding into play and makes you realise several things that never would have been known or not understood for a while unless you have seen this video. You must be really good at talking cause even I am getting excited over this video and writing about it. Thank you!!! I Definitely plan to watch more of what you upload!!!
I now understand why people trust me so quickly with very personal things. I have been doing this for years now, unconsciously. I have always paraphrased things to make sure I understand, and I listen very actively, but not to an annoying point. And when people trust me with personal things, I genuinely become interested so I actually want to know more. Thanks for this short, simple video.
You're a genius... You're cracking the codes of life 🙌 The duration of the video is perfect + the animation is super helpful too!! This is exactly why i went to the same customer service 4 times this week... they're still not listening!!
communicating and being ashamed is just a momentary feeling, be astute and talk because what you say to the person at that moment, you forget after hours, so if we live in shame we won't achieve anything, I talked a little about this in my video, be it without Shame because the world doesn't care what you think!
Honestly, this was one of the most well-made videos I have seen in a while. The writing, the storytelling, the editing really made me feel like it was 100% worth my time. Keep up the good work mate! You earned a sub!
Solid video. I like that you get quickly to the point and the advice, not the tiresome stuff you often hear in tons of other videos when people spend half the video telling you that "This amazing trick will totally change your life and I am soon going to reveal what it is." Then they go on and on reformulating how fantastic the trick is and then in the end the anticlimactic advice comes which is some mediocre advice you have heard many times before and is not really helpful at all. Your video contains some solid points. Sure, nothing new and revolutionary about the advice, but this is probably some of the best advice in that area. I like that you don't exaggerate and write how this is going to change everyones lives and describe it as the most fantastic thing since fire was invented. The advice speaks for itself.
As a chronic pain and addictionology medical assistant, sometimes me listening to the patient ramble about their lives for 15 minutes does a notable amount better than just addressing the patients problem during the visit solely. Kindness and active listening is a cheat code for building strong relationships.
very easy to forget to talk about yourself, don't forget that you yourself need to be heard sometimes
in the perfect world, everyone would share their ideas and truly understand others ideas equally. maybe one day that might be a reality...
@@brinyheart.We can only hope and try our hardest
@@brinyheart.I don't think we will ever be able to make that utopia real. As human nature always comes back.
it’s just hard cause I don’t have much to say about myself other than “I play piano”
@@wheatwhole_ sounds like playing piano makes you happy :)
The best phrase I ever heard about conversations is "do you listen or do you wait for your turn to speak"
couldn't agree more
Hmm, this could be interpreted in multiple ways though, no? For example, if you wait for your turn to speak, it could be seen as you're truly hearing what they have to say and waiting to speak your mind about it, while just listening would be you never contribute, meaning you aren't really paying attention. I get what the intention of the phrase is due to context, but it really just works because it sounds cool.
@@johndinner4418 but if you are waiting for your turn to speak then you stopped listening, and started thinking about what you want to say, therefore not listening to the end
@@delaplaces7130 Not particularly. For example if you apply some of the concepts here, you're thinking about what you want to say. Does that mean every time you think about applying the concepts of this video you're not listening? Are you gonna boot up until they finish what they had to say to then think what to respond, something like "That sounds stressful?" How did you know to say that if not by thinking what you want to say?
@@johndinner4418 I know what you’re saying…..basically if you didn’t listen you wouldn’t wait for your turn to speak, while in the other hand listening could be that of….well listening and never responding, although this would be different under the guise of a request, and not a question or comment. I guess most people would assume someone who waits to speak is hasty, and because they’re hasty, they’re not listening, and yeah..…but you’re right, that’s not always true.
One huge, HUGE thing that helped me in conversations and with active listening was to let the other person finish speaking before thinking about your response. I do this all the time, and it's easy to miss the meat of what someone is trying to say because you drew a conclusion about it early in their response.
very interesting insight, i'll try applying it next time i get the chance
Oh my god I’m so guilty of this, thanks for the tip!
I remember having my mind blown the first time I heard that tip, because it had never occurred to me that people think about what they're gonna say while others are speaking... Or at all. I don't/can't do that. I don't plan what I am going to say, ever. I have no idea wtf is gonna come out of my mouth until I'm saying it. 😅
@@meowJACKTake a second. Breathe. It won't kill anyone, and it might even help you!
@@Daniel-Davies-Gonstead-Student you don't understand. 😅 I don't have an inner monologue. It's not that I'm responding too quickly. It's that I genuinely have no way of deciding what I am about to say, because I cannot think using words. (Which is WHY it was mindblowing... I don't imagine it would have been such a shocking concept if it were something I was capable of doing, lmao)
Tools:
- paraphrase what the other person said to confirm what you’re hearing
- minimal encouragers to show you’re engaged and encourage other person to keep speaking
- emotion labelling to show empathy
Give me some examples of minimal encourages
@@suecli8131Nodding, reacting with slight facial expressions (they talk about something good then you smirk). Essentially be invested in what they say and physically act accordingly
@@suecli8131basically just a lot of nonverbal ques that show that you are interested. Eye contact is basic along with your body facing the client. Another one that most people dont mention is the projection of emotions on your face. If the person is talking about something tragic, a slight frown would help mirror what they are saying. It's a subtle way of showing empathy and that you got the message of what they were saying.
Looks like someone watched the whole video
How would you emotion label in a conversation?
I ate up these kind of advice in my younger years, but one day I tried to do that active listening thing when my friend was distressed. She talked for an hour straight. I was squished like a lemon after the conversation. I told my therapist about that and she said "But you don't need to do that". And yeah, I don't, and you don't have to do that too. Sometimes it's nice to listen but only if ur in the resource to do that and mostly of all you WANT to listen. Don't forget about urself please, or u'll be hella frustrated in ur social life. Sometimes you need to vent and u need to be listened to too. And it's okay, it's normal, it's beautiful.
Exactly. You are not obligated to listen to people if you don't want to, not at all. But if you do want to listen to people and let them know and feel that you are then this is how
I felt the same! I like to listen but sometimes It’s exhausting :( balance its key ig
Naw, venting is only done in a social media post from an anonymous account that is deleted later, wouldn't want to burden my friends like that. I yap too much as is lol.
@@deepspacecow2644 It depends on the person/relationship, but most good friends are not burdened by learning about your struggles. If you're unsure if they are ready to listen, you could say "Do you mind if I vent for a bit?" or something like that to gauge their receptibility.
I used to (and still sometimes do) struggle with feeling like talking about my problems is a burden to my friends, but I realized that I don't feel burdened when they vent to me and they have directly told me that it doesn't bother them when I vent. Oftentimes, venting to each other makes us feel closer and like we understand each other better.
If you only share the positive or fun bits about your life, it reduces the chance for others to get to know you on a deeper level. That might be what you want though, and that's fine!
Everyone's social needs are different!
Psychack..You-..You’re..beautiful..
i grew up not being heard and always ignored, and i don’t want anyone else to feel like that, so i always try my best to listen to others and keep the conversation going. i clicked on this video, hoping to learn more communication skills, but i feel kind of proud to say that i’m actually doing all of these things already haha. thank you for this video :)
you're making a change in this world for the better, thank you!
Same here. As a kid I felt like people didn’t understand me and always overlooked my interests. I had a speech impediment as a child and many didn’t have to patient to hold a conversation with me so I just stopped talking and started listening. Even to this day I still hesitate to share my interests with others but I love engaging in the interests of others.
You know, sometimes just explaining a bug you have in your code as a software developer to someone who listen, you sometime find the solution by yourself
that's why my first response to a developer with a bug in their code is to explain the code and the bug.
This also works in RL too.
@@isenewotheophilus6485 ah, rubber duck debugging. i work as a programmer too, and i actually do find myself often being my colleague’s rubber ducky haha
Same!
as introvert, only listening to what the other person says is the perfect social interaction
So easy to keep the other person going with little to no effort needed
@@1jvk1 lol ikr
That what I do all the time
i am introvert but also adhd so i talk alot and exhaust myself
@@melvinhogberg that probably means you have the hyperactive type of ADHD
I feel like I started doing this accidently because as a welder in a trailer factory, everyone is go go go. No one listens to other people, and you will really notice how mean people are to the elderly people that are still forced to work.. I couldn't stand seeing them get ignored while they were talking and it pissed me off. I would often interject into other's conversations when I seen it happen just so I could act excited about whatever the old guy was talking about. You name it, mowing, cars, politics, shoes, hair, women, men, I don't give a damn what you're wanting to talk about, I'll sit there and yap with you. I also love learning shit and that helps me alot in those conversations. But honestly It just feels good to let them dudes say the craziest shit and just smile and nod your head. They love it, the day goes by faster and I finish my work before anyone so it doesn't effect me ever. I can't stand when people turn their back to others while they talk. Maybe it's cause my father was a marine or cause him and grandfather passed a few years back. If someone ignores you while you speak to them, don't talk to them anymore.
I study psychology and use these tools in my daily life. A lot of people, when they hear that, think I know how to read minds or something because I study psychology or that I'll take advantage of them and it's a dumb stereotype imo. For the most part, it was an unconscious thing I did, but when I learned more about it in my studies I started to consciously use these tools all the time. People like you a lot more. My friends and family, even strangers, always seem very grateful to have me to talk to them and it makes me happy but sometimes I get sad because I don't find the same kind of listening reciprocated very often and I get lonely. I'm not someone who talks much about themselves in the first place, I usually just journal my thoughts and concerns because when I try to talk to people I'm often disappointed and feel like they're not really listening or care. When I do talk to someone who actively listens to me back it's such a nice moment.
i totally relate bro. i mostly journal so that i dont have to dump stuff onto people. if you need someone to listen to you, im always looking for new people to interact with. cheers.
i was going to comment something similar but holy shit you said it perfectly. I was watching and thinking that i feel like i already do a lot of these thing, and people do say i am a good listener, but i rarely ever feel like i get it back and have struggled with loneliness for a long time. I will also agree that journalling has been a huge help in keeping me stable as i often dont feel i have someone i feel comfortable reaching out to. it doesnt feel helpful at first but as i messed around with it, i found a voice i enjoyed expressing myself in. I also just recently finished Mans search for meaning by viktor frankl and it really helped me feel comfortable that this is something i can always give to other people that will make them feel better, which is incredibly valuable.
I feel you bro. Sometimes I really have the urge to just say "fck you all" because of the feeling, that so many people don't want or can't give back the work, that you put in other person feelings. Just frustrating sometimes
@@derbeen2898me too bro, it’s hella frustrating. Something that I try to keep in mind is that most of the time it’s not on you or how you are as a person, it more has to do with the other persons attentive skills and what they care about. It’s all about finding the right people to be around who will actively engage with you and try to lift you up.
Journaling really helped me fix this too, It’s become indispensable for me.
0:01 Correction: There was a baby born in Chicago in 1902
@@ripcraigbtwthisisiann5033rip Craig, hi Iann
@@ripcraigbtwthisisiann5033rip Craig, hi iann
man got birthed
rip craig , hi iann@@ripcraigbtwthisisiann5033
@@ripcraigbtwthisisiann5033 RIP Craig, Hi Iann
I’m glad you weren’t lying about the weekly uploads
tru
Well, he did say that sincerity is important
Hopefully he doesn't die or something, so we get an upload next week.
Fr
Sigma rule #1: Don't tell lies to your student.
The most amazing thing about this is I’ve been doing it subconsciously for years
fr me too
I feel like most people do this naturally if they are interested in the subject matter or the person. I feel as if this video is mainly to understand listening skills in order to fake them to people you dont want to offend
@@Max-hs4vu I was about to comment the same thing. My thoughts were a little different than yours: I feel like the video wants you to know, consciously, what you're doing, even if you're already doing it. Now, that could be for two reasons (in my view): To reinforce your active listening so you keep doing it, considering you already know this; To bring it to the attention of those that don't. This video wouldn't exist if active listening was a majority of people.
To sum it up, it's good that he brought this subject up and tried to change how conversations happen for at least some people.
Its a learned social skill. You probably had a positive influence in your life that you subconsciously copied in their social approach. This is why this is so valuable it spreads. You probably have taught others these skills without knowing.
I try to do it all the time because I’m not very good at making response. However, someone people talk about themselves in a way that makes me very difficult to use this approach. These conversations usually end in dead air as I don’t feel comfortable talking about myself but couldn’t come up with something else to say. I guess those people don’t want to open up to me either but I wonder if there are other reasons.
Tip - never use the phrases like "didn't ask" again
Edit: now I am famous
didn't ask
@@carotee7918 I didn't tell you
@@anonyone8834 I'm not reading that novel you just wrote. Take it to the publisher.
I did not ask
I asked 😇 I cared 👼 I listened to your advice 👼
I realised the importance of being heard during my childhood due to reasons like my mom not paying attention to my ramble about school, being cut off while speaking by my friends, being wronged by adults just because i didn't want to be rude by arguing back and stuff like that. I noticed how it affected me and decided that whoever talks to me must not feel that way, because for me it might just be a normal conversation but for someone else it could mean almost anything, i never know. And it became a habit- always listening actively if i am listening, telling the person I'm busy if i can't give them attention and then after getting the work done listening to them properly, making sure no one gets cut off or forgotten in a group conversation, always ALWAYS asking people to comtinue where they left off, even if it might seem annoying to a few, maintaining eye contact, nodding, and giving reactions even if i don't really feel it so strongly. Sometimes now that I'm a bit grown up i feel like I'm a fake, but i know I'm not, i just want whoever i meet to not feel unheard. So yeah, it is the most useful social skill. Earning trust & being reliable is just so satisfying
That's a really good one, please keep it up for those around you. Though also get someone to listen to you if you can.
@@SLIGHTLY-ANONYMOUS-2 Agreed
I can relate and am so glad you too turned a bad feeling into positive words and encouragement for others who'd otherwise be overlooked. One of the nicest compliments I got was after someone observing me teaching and talking with a large lively group, told me 'you're so inclusive; you didn't leave anyone out, even the one known for being difficult'. Made me smile.
@@SLIGHTLY-ANONYMOUS-2 thank you! Don't worry, I have my own friends who listen to ramble on and on for hours on the same or different things without ever getting bored or annoyed and i am blessed to have them😊❤ i hope you all have those people around you too.
@@oliviastar3812 aww that made me smile too. It's the little things that matter the most, a very simple gesture from us could make someone's day and might even become a special memory for them. you're doing great! Hope you have people who listen to you as sincerely too❤️
This is pretty much what turned my entire life when I needed it. I adopted a moto that was "Just shut up and ask questions", and it did wonders.
I went from a boring guy, to a really interesting and charismatic one, as first, people as it is put, love to talk about themselves, and second you amass much more relevant knowledge when you did around that when you're busy putting on a show.
That is especially useful when someone comes to you confrontationnaly. Ask them questions, it's a pro move to dodge a fight.
Not if they avoid the truth.
Psychology student here, a third year and Carl Rogers methods are excellent, being an active listener, accepting, non-judgmental and empathetic approaches made me learn that being a good listener instead of doing the usual giving out "blind advices" help people more in finding solutions to their problems than what blind advices can do.
Help people gain their mental fortitude by making them feel heard so that they can be the ones to solve their problems!
i encourage you to look deeper into this kind of listening- there's a lot to it. it's also important to mention congruence is important, even when you're listening.
also, i know, reading before 5 isn't all that impressive. thanks for letting me know lol
You should make a playlist for the topics you talk about, if possible, some topics may not be possible to categoryse, since they may be very unique, but active listening is a big thing I believe, and I'm sure you will make more videos about it
Amazing work
There’s still more to go with the confidence and that 100 page doc is gonna take a while to fully utilize but don’t fall into the trap of being repetitive I suggest down the line probably a year or 2 down you do another 100 page doc on another useful concept the idea is really good and has a lot of potential and you seem to know what your doing and how to structure it well
Next video, how to approach people and get conversation started
Yeah but don't most people start reading at like 4 or 5? I know I did
As a therapist, I love how effectively and concisely you explained this!
There comes a point where you, Yourself would also like to be heard but, Sadly that doesn’t get reciprocated back and it makes me sad that there’s really a rare amount of people who genuinely wants to listen.
I always actively listen to others, but most of the time they just don’t want to talk, yet feel incredibly lonely.
+1, I noticed this specifically in online conversations
In person, sometimes people feel shy. Talking about yourself can feel like you're self centered. Encourage talking by talking yourself about things that you enjoy. Did you go to the park? Talk about how your walk was, and then ask them if they did something, or what they like to do in their free time. Once they start talking encourage that by listening actively.
Have you heard the phrase "introduce yourself before asking other people to do so"? It follows the same logic, it eases the conversation because you're the one lowering your barriers first. Also, remember to read social cues! Sometimes people just don't want to talk, come to them at a different time.
I feel there are two options for us-
1) Accept/assume that EVERYONE you talk to is a selfish person by nature, who may take and take from you but will never reciprocate it back to you. They will never care for you, listen to you the way you do for them. Once you accept this as a fact, it becomes easier for you to be kind , as you will never expect anything from others.
2) Divert your energies only to SPECIFIC people you think are worth your time and energy. Don't go around giving your energy, and don't try to be a good friend to everyone/ Remember, you are finite. You do not have infinite physical and/or mental energy. Focus it where you think you mag receive dividends ( in the form of genuine relationships, not one-sided ones).
Personally, I like the 2nd option more.
@@RT-. Feel like it's partly due to "who asked" just making someone extremely nervous to even try just incase they get hit with that. Additionally, it's really hard to tell what someone's actually thinking online.
What I do is try to ask questions about themselves, and further encourage their line of thought if it feels like it's something they're actually passionate about or have strong emotional reactions to. Unfortunately there do exist people who really don't have anything to say about themselves, and that's alright.
Yeah, like few months before I was like a whole logic person! Always correcting people giving them solutions that this is your problem, and this is how you can resolve it, even after listening the whole thing what people saying, people weren't liking to be around me (well I'm a super introvert, so I always stay on my own, so it's no big deal for me)! But then my sister said that don't do this, not everyone wants solutions, everyone just wants to be heard! So like I started doing this, just listening to them and not giving them any advice until they ask, and slowly many people around me started getting comfortable around me!
I also found that showing interest in other's work is much more effective way to make friends rather than showing them what many things I can do!
So great content, I appreciate that 😊 My social skills are very bad lol, so I'm working on it! And found this content very relatable to my experiences!
A fine, inspiring comment. Thanks and best wishes!
I figured out the same thing alone, but interestingly the results didn’t change when my approach did 🤔
Yep. A good lesson I've learned over the years is that a lot of the time people don't want a solution, they want to feel like you understand their struggles. They want to know that you care.
Ironic because I feel like I used to be that person who offered solutions promptly but now being on the other side, it's the opposite I don't want to hear about solutions. Maybe I just want to vent about being tired of solving things haha
I blamed myself many times that I was not an active listener, that I only talked about myself and was even interrupting people sometimes. One day, I understood this and tried to change my behavior.
But it went too far. After some time, I started thinking that I had nothing interesting to say and stopped expressing my opinions on any topic. I simply became a stereotypical introvert.
And now it's almost impossible to change, although on a rational level, I understand it's wrong. When i talk about myself now, I simply feel guilty that I talk and not somebody else.
That's hard. 🤷
How has that journey been for you so far? How long have you been trying to change? I find myself in similar boats and patterns, like some kind of chronic over-corrector, so i can guess that its frustrating and confusing.
Sometimes it’s okay to have nothing to say.
I get it. I’m like this too. I struggle to share something about myself unless asked directly… and even then it feels awkward. I think the cure is to slowly let yourself share things; an example could be as simple as inserting your opinion on a topic. When guilty, reassure yourself that your friends value your words, and on my case, directly asking them for reassurance does wonders. I go by this logic: if you truly enjoy hearing them, shouldn’t they enjoy hearing you too?
@verynoname hi 👋
I cannot say the precise moment in the past. Maybe it was 2 or 3 years ago when I thought that I should have more empathy for people. But after all this time, I also think it was artificial. Maybe I ask them about how they feel or what they feel like but it's more like coming from my brain, on a rational level. I can see that somebody is sad and ask them about what happened, but it's more automatic. I don't really feel any emotional connection. It hurts a lot, as I perceive myself as a bad person, without empathy, not suitable for society, and for sure, not worth knowing.
Moreover, since last year, I've been thinking about the topic I wrote in my previous post. That nobody really cares about me, just as I don't really feel the emotional connection for them. That people ask me questions sometimes, but not because they are really interested in what I do and think, but because this is what the world is expecting us to do in a conversation. Like it's a rule - you're in a conversation, ask a question sometimes. It's hard for me to explain, I hope you understand.
You've chastised yourself and created a negative feedback when you express yourself. It's no more impossible to change than the previous change you already made. Give a few gentle expressions of your feelings a try when they fit with someone you're listening to, don't one up them, and with positive responses you can begin to build upon it.
I learned a long time ago that most people don't want to talk to you, but rather, talk at you. When you just listen to people, they tend to just tell you things they probably wouldn't have told you if you weren't just letting them vent. It's wild.
The sad reality is that most bullied people will learn this naturally. I myself have been bullied throughout my whole childhood, I was always cut short when I started speaking, no body was even looking at me while I spoke and they completely ignored me. Most of my jokes were repeated by the popular guys and that's when people laughed. It made me learn what NOT to do and naturally developed great listening skills. Even more depressing is that people who don't know about how to be a good listener won't appreciate someone who actively listens to them and supports them theoughout. It's really hard to find people who were in similar shoes or at least know about basic courtesy.
Youre right. My bf told me he was bullied growing up and as a teenager but he’s the most emotional intelligent man I know he’s a gem and so are you ❤
People have to learn the hard way. You get bullies that want you to stand your ground. But most just want to get away with abuse.
Stoneall abuse is a line even a killer won't cross. And yet people encourage and enable this often.
I did this unintentionally in high school, the best part about it is how the people I listened to became more mature, happier and more confident!
It’s nice being just a listener, but it’s better to be someone who understands…
I'm not exactly the most neurotypical person, so after COVID I had to re-learn how to act around people, especially since I felt no real connection with the people around me. I basically discovered all these steps by myself, with trial and error, and it's so funny to hear something that now comes to me naturally laid out this way. What I'd like to add is that oftentimes people don't really want to talk about deep things, they don't want you to be actively listening to them, and you can understand that because all these strategies will sound unsincere to your ear. Unfortunately not everyone is going to be your cup of tea and you're not going to be everyone's cup of tea, but what I found out to work with people that don't sound interesting to you is that they may have something interesting to tell you anyways, and it's up to you and your tools to gently steer them in the direction you're interested in. When people feel heard they are more willing to change subject.
This is interesting. Whom do you refer to when you say “these strategies will sound insincere to your ear”. Maybe you can clarify for me.
I feel like I've always done this naturally a bit. I must just be an extra curious person because I ask about anything. Sometimes it doesn't go anywhere and certain people aren't talkative, but if I hear anything I find interesting, I have to ask about it. Even if it's rather mundane like "I fed my dog," I'll very likely still ask "oh, what kind of dog?" or "oh, you have a dog?" Then answering that leads to more questions since we're getting specific.
Yeah same, after watching this video i realized that not everybody actually does this. I somehow carry the conversation by just moving through one topic to another by asking questions.
Though, the types of people who respond dryly with no extra information are the hardest to talk to. It’d just be like “Oh, you play guitar?” “Yes” just one word responses make me really put off. Tho ig that means they just dont want to talk
@@Tactless_Kaizen Totally, although I don't really ask random questions to people often enough lol.
Come to think of it, I - someone who generally wants to talk - has made the mistake of answering random people's questions with 1-2 words far too often. It's almost a subconscious habit. Wonder how many potential friendships I've lost because of it...
@@Tactless_Kaizenas someone on the other side responding dryly, i usually do it because i assume the other person isnt really interested unless they ask follow up questions 😂
im still working on being less dry with my responses in general
I naturally does this with my close friend our conversation ends up lasting like hours, even longer if there are more friend that joins the conversation. Most of the time my friend is the one talking the most while i just do simple respond to him in a way like this video. Sometimes it could be vice versa but from my part i barely had stuff to share and more to actively listening
Do you ask these questions to random people on a sidewalk in park or just to friends? I feel like this might be a good way to start talking to strangers :D
Appreciate the dark mode stick figures, my eyes are saved
The therapist from 0:29 looks like mike from breaking bed with glasses
breaking bed
Let’s be honest, Mike Ehrmantraut wont be breaking any beds anytime soon..
I'm a psychology student and part of our curriculum is a practical course where we learn these exact skills (to apply in all sorts of professional contexts, not only therapy) and this was a great summary! Nice job
Actually good advice and no bs and self promotion
BS?
Technically it's a paid course / membership promotion channel but the videos are still pure gold
@@S4NT1N0-Bv BS = BullShit
My friend said im a good listener like i actually listen them i just face at them and try to understand them donno what special?
@@S4NT1N0-Bv bs means bullshit
"If everyone is a boss, then the only one who is a worker will worth more than all the bosses."
- Destro 2024 (myself)
We live in an era where everyone wants to speak, that makes those who would listen worth more.
This is exactly how I’ve approached conversation for over 20 years. I learn more about it and get better as time goes on. It’s so good for both the speaker and the listener too.
It’s nice to hear where this concept started. I never gave it much more thought than “sometimes people need someone to hear them. I’m not great at advice, but I love to listen.” But that was enough to shape my attitude of listening and relating to people.
Thanks for this video!
this video makes me feel a little better about my social skills as this is how i interact with people everyday, the way people perk up when you listen to them and engage them is priceless and im glad i can make a positive impact in their lives, even if im just doing what feels right to me
After years of being the therapist friend i realized that i’ve actually started using the tools you mentioned even before i started studying psychology. I find that the things you mentioned in the video work the best and am glad to see that it’s a legitimate practice. Maybe I’ll look into being a therapist lol
Active listening looks so so subtle and so calm and takes no effort but in reality it’s highly important because people just give you the key to their golden city willingly
As someone that have went to multiple psychologist I’ve discovered that most of the time (about 70%) we have our own answers, there’s something special about someone actually listen to you and asking “what do you think you should do in X situation”, we just need someone to listen to us and not antagonize us to become better persons.
this helped me a lot! i'm autistic so sometimes trying to portray that i'm interested in a conversation i'm in is really hard/confusing to me but this helped me understand how to do that better! thanks :D
Haven't even watched the video yet but i already know its a certified brinyheart classic
After watching this I realized I somehow naturally learned to do this because I wanted to help the people I love and be a source of comfort for them
i dont wanna be a pocket therapist for other people anymore
But it's not only for therapy, it's for connection and clear communication too c:
If someone wants you to understand them, but they don't want to understand you, then you might not want to be friends with them anyway. Listening is a good way to figure out what kind of person you're dealing with
Are they reciprocating your efforts? Are they genuinely interested in what you have to say?
When you flip the advice, do you think they're listening to you? Communication works both ways :)
yeah that's the thing, I started doing something akin to this method naturally when I was younger, but after a while you just feel used. I mean I like all of my friends, but sometimes I feel like I'm doing so much effort for them and they never return it when I need it, it's almost to wonder if they're really my friends or just friendly acquaintances, it's very draining and borderline depressing...
@@thomquiri9860well that just brings into question whether or not they understand the way you go about things. Oftentimes people who try and be that therapist figure never have anything to say about themselves, so who’s to say you’re not making the same mistake? To them, everything could seem equal.
Then why are you here?
@@TheOnlyPedroGameplaysYou do understand conversations are more than a monologue right? If those people don't ask, there is no need to tell.
learned this in middle school and turned into a professional people's pleaser, for you own good please be egotistical, take space, speak and god willing you will be heard eventually
I swear I think I've done this subconsciously for like 5 years, and it 100% does work. I don't think I would be as close to my friends as I am now if I never 'actively listened'.
I think it's a good sign in the world that you are able develop this process without any outside influence, and just being considerate and open.
Also amazing video, glad it's blowing up because it's actually educational. As opposed to what is usually in the recommended.
Oh my god... I'm taking notes so that I could make better dialogues for characters, this is such a mind opener.
It’s as simple as giving even 5% of care into the conversation focusing on those buzz words the other person seems passionate about and asking the right questions. You do these things and it’ll all be worth it
I’ve struggled heavily with social awkwardness, not so much anxiety. I just feel like people have a hard time communicating with me and I never really understood. But it all kinda makes sense now. I’ve been very depressed because my friend group felt really distant from me sometimes. This is huge for me! I think you just saved my life, genuinely thank you so much!!
This has got to be one of the fastest rising channels (for good reason too)
we have the same pfp😭
@@chashmish06 BROTHER (Or sister)
This is how ive made so many friends! Always liked to listen since a kid, and you'd be surprise how so many people value someone that they can talk to no judgement
2:31 GOD I LOVE CBT
Same
specially with hammers
Rogers is famous not for CBT, but for client-focused humanitarian approach. It’s quite different from CBT where the therapist can be talking more than the client sometimes and not necessarily look for emotion behind. It’s often focused on behavioural change rather than genuine human connection.
@@Ruutuulia123 Cock and Ball Torture is my favorite form of theraphy
Thank you for placing a label on something I’ve been doing for years. (For any Skeptics of these social tools, I can confirm across multiple personality groups these do work beautifully)
I have been doing all these things and I am so proud of myself for being there for my friends when they are having a hard time. When they say stuff like "Thank you for listening to me, I feel so much better now" it's enough to make me cry.
This has always been a skill of mine. I'm always happy to see how heard and understood people are when talking to me.
This is just basically How to win friends and influence people.
needed to hear this, you're a gem
It’s great to hear these things spoken. Because I’ve been doing this for a while now, thanks to watching many videos like this one over the course of my life.
All of what you said is true but by learning this skill to make people feel genuinely heard, it sometimes gets frustrating when people don’t share that same skill set. Although it’s easy to say “they may not know how to actively listen”, it still makes you feel like people don’t respect you, because you just wish they could be as engaged in your life as you are in theirs.
This has been a long winded way of saying thanks for making this video. I hope it reaches many people so that they can also learn this very useful skill. Thank you :)
This is a very good and short summary on a complex and sometimes confusing matter.
What also happens when you're genuinely interested, listen and ask the questions is you start to learn from others. And at some point you can try, but this is almost the hardest part to me, to give advice based on your experience/knowledge.
And when your advice is heard,understood and maybe even applied/helpful that's the greatest reward
the goat is back
Bruh this is his second video
@@dat0mri HE'S BACKKK! THE GOAT IS BACK FOR HIS SECOND VIDEO! 😁😁
Babe wake up😂
3:48 Ah, the Solid Snake Method™
WOHOOO!!! I found the last video right before this one came out. Impeccable timing!!
I'm that therapist friend of the group. If anyone has any problems they just share it with me, discuss the solutions, it's effects and all that. Speaking to me is benifitted with an attorney client privilege with means i don't share anything related to you with others or vice versa. They call me like they call no-one. I don't ignore calls, I take their funny matters seriously (to them) and then go on with my day as if nothing happened. I seriously want to get out of this, I don't wanna be nice, I don't wanna be supportive everytime. I listen to everyone but when I go out to share, they still think it's about them and they cut me off to speak theirs. I'm feeling helpless and this is a cry for help. If anyone had the same conditions as me and changed, how ?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but it still seems like you give a shit about your friends. But take my words with a grain of salt cause I haven't achieved your situation yet, but maybe like, be more judgey? Call them out when you're cut off? A doctor dying for a patient may be noble, but that means they can't continue being a salvation for people. If you really think you've become that guy, maybe you can say you deserve better.
If they can respect and make efforts to reciprocate that request, then you've elevated your friend in a way that's good for all parties. And if not... shit brother we need more people like you on this planet and getting snuffed out would be a shame.
i used to be the therapist of my friends. honestly, i just responded with less empathy, more humor and talked about myself more. like the opposite of all this. like "i've been having a bad day, my mom yelled at me..." "damn that's crazy you should maul her. anyways i watched this new show!"
making a joke of it- not at their expense- can still make them feel better and give a boundary of "i aint talking about this right now" the best boundary is cutting the situation off- ie walking away- so cutting out the chance of talking about it seriously is a good way to place that boundary
you can also just say "i'm sorry, but i dont have the energy to talk about this right now. i'd like to talk about something lighter" but i get scared that the person will get mad at basic healthy communication so
I'm still in the process of learning this myself, but I'd recommend some amount of honesty about the way you feel. This can be difficult to do, but it also brings with it the chance of increased connection and deeper friendship.
I will usually just ask people if it's okay for us to talk about something that matters to me at the moment. I do feel that it's important to give them the option not to do so without it affecting our relationship in a bad way. I've found that this makes it a lot easier for me to communicate honestly whenever i feel my own capacity for active listening is reached.
Implementation of this honest communication about one's needs and capacities was the easiest with those of my friends and family members who have been to therapy before, but i'm also slowly getting there with some of my other relationships.
tell them about this. exactly everything you've expressed in the comment.
dont point a finger, but gently imply that you don't feel heard by them ("i dont feel heard" vs "you dont listen to me").
if they dont seem to care about it, ditch them imo, or at least keep your distance.
if your effort and energy are not reciprocated, and you dont feel like your friends care about you and listen to you - why are you still calling them friends?
Wooooo new video. Seriously exactkly what i needed.
I used your advice from the last video and CRUSHED an interview earlier today.
Thank you for sharing this
I have been trained recently to do telephone crisis support work recently and I have been utilising all of these techniques. Its amazing how such conversational techniques can really open people up and allow them to assess their situations in a healthier context.
please please PLEASE keep making content. this is very important stuff you're speaking about
I am here and actively listening to your thoughts. Thank you for your short and natural video
The people who are watching this are not the people who need it lol
Lucky me who already has natural interest in hearing people share their stories and experiences
Brinyheart came down from the mountain to bless us with his wisdom once again 🙏🏽
This actually works. I have been doing this without knowing what I was doing. People always tell me that I "get" them and that I actually "listen" to them. I always wondered what special thing that I do that they feel like that around me and share things with me that they don't with most people. This video answers the question. Good content as always. Keep it up!
Banger video and banger content. I can see in my own life how responding with clarification definitely helps too. People always say "communicate better, it's important" but rarely do people actually explain how to do it. Kudos to you.
blowing up in just a month is insane but you honestly deserve it because this is great content
This is an exceptional example of how social manipulations can be positive, and it is actually a very regular thing to seek and integrate in our communities.
Fantastic presentation on Rogers and his Person Centered Therapy. Thank you :)
Some notes I made:
active listening is important to understand someone better.
BE NATURAL in all of these.
paying attention to content, and emotion
paraphrasing
communicating that you're listening (using affirmatives like I see, yes, etc)
taking your time to respond instead of blurting out random related words.
showing empathy when listening
try to label someone's emotions after talking about something (stuff like "that sounds exciting", "you seem happy", or basically communicating loosely what you think the other person may be feeling at the time.
listening != trying to genuinely understand them. Try to cultivate an interest in understanding other people, that's the general key of good listening.
this dude has only 2 videos on his channel,, and he's already slaying✨✨ That's so cool. I am so happy to root 4 u from the start!
Man found out "Comprehension" called it Active listening
Sheeeesh
This is a really good explanation, especially for someone on the spectrum like me. It's so, so important to try to understand the context and emotions behind the literal things the other person is saying. It's also one of the most genuine ways to affirm their feelings and make them feel less alone and weird.
Everyone who watched and understood this just got a +1 to their charisma
I am glad more people are learning about active listening. Ever since I was small I struggled with eye contact, and because of that I had to learn how to show people I was listening with out saying something while they were talking and give responses that showed interest. Its so simple thinking back now but I never really thought much of it.
How do you personally deal with people that don’t respect your time and don’t shut up?
Like that one co worker who’ll talk to you for two hours about himself.
I've dealt with this a lot, just respectfully and kindly end the conversation. Listening to people is nice, but if it's at your own expense, maybe you should consider prioritizing yourself. You don't have to listen to everyone.
some ppl talk too much I think, and it prevents others or yourself from having a chance to speak. In said cases, it's ok to cut it short, or find other ppl to talk to. Ideally, everyone would have an opportunity to speak, if desired, though admittedly many ppl are quiet or at times, are afraid to speak up
Respect is earned. People that make the time learn more. But speak your own mind to. digs is making excuses for lack of communication. Isn't that just conflict avoidance?
Helluva boss show. I noticed Stella talks more while Stolas beats around the bush and is one to worry and avoid harder conversations. You could be like Stolas. Running away risks a dagger in the back. You're more likely to get respect by fighting back.
In a word, feedback. Try asking more questions or something along those lines.
I love learning about how to be a better person
I can confirm that 2:04 is 100% true
Thank you for making this video, it definitely helps me build better friendships.
alot of this type of advice is useful for getting to know people and establish good impressions but lessens in effectiveness with longer term relationships, which most people need
id argue its massive for long term relationships really. its just that not everyone is built to be someone close friend despite best efforts
With all due respect bro, thats just... wrong. If anything, you bring more to the table, since long-standing knowledge lets you skip a lot of the clarification checks, and comfort lets the both of you be more genuine. Do you feel like somethings just... missing in your conversations with these people? Its gotta be disappointing to put in all this effort, but have little to show for it
How so?? If anything, it will only reinforce it. At least it works that way for me.
3:32 I have actually been doing this subconsciously lately. I never noticed it until now when I was watching this video. When I think back to all my recent conversations I remember that I would always ask those short summarised questions every so often as if to update myself on the conversation or to gain a better understanding. It is insane how easily we can do these things and never notice them. Yet when discussed, we finally see them. It's like how you said that the other never would have reached that conclusion without you asking and introducing questions or just listening to the conversation. Even just watching this video brings that tool of listening and understanding into play and makes you realise several things that never would have been known or not understood for a while unless you have seen this video. You must be really good at talking cause even I am getting excited over this video and writing about it. Thank you!!! I Definitely plan to watch more of what you upload!!!
I now understand why people trust me so quickly with very personal things. I have been doing this for years now, unconsciously. I have always paraphrased things to make sure I understand, and I listen very actively, but not to an annoying point. And when people trust me with personal things, I genuinely become interested so I actually want to know more.
Thanks for this short, simple video.
6:20 you just helped me understand part of why I’m struggling to make friends. I felt a click in my brain when I read that quote
You're a genius... You're cracking the codes of life 🙌
The duration of the video is perfect + the animation is super helpful too!!
This is exactly why i went to the same customer service 4 times this week... they're still not listening!!
One of the best compliments I have ever received is when a girl that I liked said I was a really good listener and that I always knew what to say
communicating and being ashamed is just a momentary feeling, be astute and talk because what you say to the person at that moment, you forget after hours, so if we live in shame we won't achieve anything, I talked a little about this in my video, be it without Shame because the world doesn't care what you think!
from Vietnam and I love your advice. Keep going!!
2:54 - skip to the good part
We need more people like you in this world, Thank you
It’s 7:06😭 just watch the whole thing
i really like this idea, you’ve got my support, good luck
I realised I've done this subconsciously so thank you for showing awareness of it
Honestly, this was one of the most well-made videos I have seen in a while. The writing, the storytelling, the editing really made me feel like it was 100% worth my time. Keep up the good work mate! You earned a sub!
Solid video. I like that you get quickly to the point and the advice, not the tiresome stuff you often hear in tons of other videos when people spend half the video telling you that "This amazing trick will totally change your life and I am soon going to reveal what it is."
Then they go on and on reformulating how fantastic the trick is and then in the end the anticlimactic advice comes which is some mediocre advice you have heard many times before and is not really helpful at all.
Your video contains some solid points. Sure, nothing new and revolutionary about the advice, but this is probably some of the best advice in that area.
I like that you don't exaggerate and write how this is going to change everyones lives and describe it as the most fantastic thing since fire was invented. The advice speaks for itself.
This channel has already become one of my favourites.
he stopped yapping at 2:55
missed the point of the video to be trying to listen to someone lol
You need to rewatch the video lol. Its meant for you
get a life bro
Ty
Ty
This is something I was taught in sales school and this is actually really neat knowledge, as I became far better in communication
I love this channel, it makes me want to go find random people to have conversations with.
As a chronic pain and addictionology medical assistant, sometimes me listening to the patient ramble about their lives for 15 minutes does a notable amount better than just addressing the patients problem during the visit solely. Kindness and active listening is a cheat code for building strong relationships.