My parents never taught me life skills. As a kid I didn’t know that I was supposed to learn those things. But as I got older my parents would start criticizing me for not knowing how to do the things they never taught me.
Scapegoating relieves parents of their own issues. Criticism is a cover up. Google scapegoating. It's valuable information. We get Scapegoated without realizing it. It has taken me 40 years to realize that my entire family scapegoated me...even into adulthood. I've learned a lot from introspection. Save yourselves. No one else will. Peace to everyone.
@@kirstinstrand6292 I have a 3yo daughter and having her really opened my eyes to what my parents did and still do to me. I would NEVER treat my daughter they way they treat me, I can’t fathom wanting to hurt her.
Like doing laundry, cooking, balancing a checkbook/budgeting, safe driving, manners, working for things that they want/need, work ethic in general, paying attention to their surroundings, not following the crowd - being an independent thinker, consequences for poor behavior, fixing basic things in a home, etc. A lot of kids are clueless about real life.
"Many trauma survivors are criticized on adult levels while not getting any parental help from their parents." This 100%, especially when you're the scapegoat.
@@heather333 I also chose to never have kids. Older me is now sad I never did because I love children. But I also understand why younger me wouldn't have been capable of being a good parent with all the misinformation about parenting and trauma running in my head. I made the right choice even if I'm sad for what I had to miss out on because of it.
It can happen for the Golden Child, too, when you're supposed to forego any personal interests or personality to become the toxic parent's "mini me" instead. The criticism is constant, the parental support nonexistent.
Two runners up to this list is - "When I was a kid I was up at 5am" - shaming children for providing a better childhood? and weaponizing mood on a child.
Yes. I often felt like my mom hated us for not having the same childhood like hers, in turn made her abusive to her children for being slightly happier. It's hard to explain,but my whole family line is just full of generational abuse.
My brother and I were raised by a single mom, and money was tight. She would actually compare us to her boss' kids and shame us for not getting into special governor's schools programs, hanging out with "lower class" kids, not being in loads of extracurriculars, etc. All while expecting us to come straight home after school and do loads of chores because she worked full time. It was like HELLO?!? WE'RE POOR!!
@@BlankMoments I can relate. My father used to resent the snot out of any advantage we had, that he didn't have growing up. He was so afraid of us being "spoiled," he used to actually sabotage his jobs and get fired, just so the family would stay poor.
[15:00] "Healthy Kids are gonna test limits. Neglected Kids are gonna test if their parents are gonna show up for them" So true, that's the difference between good enough and toxic parenting in one sentence. Thank you so much!
I never even thought about testing limits. Even withouth actively testing it I was constantly confronted with what it meant to accidentally cross my parent's borders and anger them.
Ditto. For me it was to get attention and see if they will show up for me. I did that by pretending to drown in front of my mother. The lifeguard ended up rescuing me but my mother ignored it.
I had this as well from a young age. I remember telling my mom everyday that I got grounded and explained what I did although in reality some other kid got grounded and I just pretended I did it when I was telling her the story. She never showed any concerns or interest.
"Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about." Another threatened by emotions tactic. My parent would say that while brushing my hair and yanking out tangles, implying that the consequence of more crying would hurt a good deal more.
That was my Mom's favorite line too when she was angry and screaming at me. I always thought that it shoud have been obvious that I was crying because I already had something to cry about.
^^THIS. I went throw the exact same thing, but I would also be smacked in the head with the hairbrush because I wouldn't sit still. Anytime she went after me physically, I was threatened not to make a sound or she'd say the same thing. She would make good on her threat, too. Now, I hate crying, or having any emotions at all, because mine were always wrong.
@@ColorMeConfused29 yeah, my mom did that too. It wasn't until we got too annoying when she would "brush" my sisters and I hair, that she just gave up on the "bonding moment" Anytime I get a hair cut or my bf tries to be sweet and brush my hair. I have a sensory overload. I've gotten better at relaxing, but it always hits a point where I feel like needles are pricking my scalp while others touch my head/hair.
When Patrick brought up how useless it is to confront parents about the past, a burden was lifted. One thing I always hated about talking to my mother about my trauma was that she would apologize followed by “things just never got better. I always prayed for things to get better but they didn’t” or “I didn’t have a mother. The same things happened to me as a child.” She is incapable of any type of analysis beyond God never brought anyone in her life to help her. In her mind accountability is “I’m sorry. But you’re fine now right? Let’s move on.” I remember when I told her that her physically abusive boyfriend was having sex with me (I watched him pull a gun on her). After she kicked him out, a couple days later she said “I just want to let you know that in God’s eyes you’re still a virgin.” I honestly feel that was the biggest contributor to me despising religion. That was such an off base remark and response to what I went through. As if I gave two shits about where I stood with God.
I gave up confrontation years ago. I always got one-upped by my parents. Now my mother confides how much her mother neglected her, as if my sister and I are her friends. You know you left us home alone with grandma all day while you were out, and therefore she neglected us too, right? But no that'll never connect in her brain.
Sounds like a way to sweep things under the rug so she didn't have to deal with/parent you. Your experience has zero to do with religion or God so please don't think they/them would be judging you or deciding anything about you, that's not how this works. It was a way for her to side-step the work she needed to be doing helping you to heal.
@@nuthinbutluv4u142 yes exactly. I wish Patrick would do a video on this type of parent. I literally experienced everything on the ACE trauma scoring thing. While my mother acknowledges that things were horrible, she also gives off a “please don’t make me feel guilty vibe.” With a side helping of I was raised much worse.
@@mynameispeaches the world is filled w people who were raised much worse and they didn't choose to make their abusers a primary caretaker for their kids. My egg donor claimed the same thing then one day i woke up and noticed something. There are only 2 explanations for the choice. Either they are lying about their abuse or they purposefully did that in hopes we would be abused. So they are either liars or truly evil. I think my grandmother- who was kind and good to us- got stuck w a child who was possibly psychopathic (she stabbed her 12-yr-old brother in the back with a fork when she was 6 because he wouldn't give her something- he had to go to the ER with it in his back) and being an uneducated poor woman whose husband was gone in the navy 6 mos a year she just didn't know how to deal w her and spanked her or isolated in her room. Children with extreme self- reference often report any experience of not getting what they want as abuse. I personally think there is just a branch of the human family that evolved to prey on socio-typical people. I believe the response of becoming a malignant narcissist in difficulty is genetically pre-disposed. Pro-Socio-typical people tend and befriend others in hard times. Anti-social people just become more anti-social and better at covering it up.
I think a big one for me is that I'd always be treated as an adult when it was convenient for my parents. If I brought home a bad grade as a kid, my dad would tell me "You didn't do your part/job, my job is to make money, yours it to do well in school." But if I asked if I could go on an overnight field trip as a high schooler, I would be treated as a kid and told no, I had to stay home for no discernible reason.
Oh, yes, that was a big routine for my father, too. In college, I confided to a friend that it was like being taught to run quickly, then only being allowed to walk at a slow pace.
I went thru this too. I was expected to “do my job” as the kid by going to church 2-5 days a week, getting straight As, excelling in extracurriculars, planning and executing my own life plan, working 2 jobs, building my own business, getting a GED to attend college early, etc. My dad couldn’t even keep his eyes on his wife lol
This comment section is the most comforting and reassuring thing I've seen in years. Thank you all for your comments. the abuse I experienced, and feel today, is not crazy or just who I am. How profoundly reassuring is it to be validated by hundreds of comments. Never stop what you're doing Patrick. :')
Oh my gosh, #4 (threatened by kids’ emotions) hit home. We were disciplined from an early age to be neutral, calm, or happy. Getting upset was borderline threatening, and getting mad??? It was taboo. I still have extreme difficulty expressing anger or feeling upset decades later
Oh I can relate to that only I can't control my emotions. Five kids in the family all except me very calm and well behaved. I feel like I got all the emotions they didn't. I was and still am " the too sensitive one" one time I told my mom she was insensitive and she said " I AM NOT!" She's 89 years old.
"Getting upset was borderline threatening, and getting mad?? It was taboo." This, 100%. I believe I learned early on to just never speak up for myself, or "create conflict". Once I learned to be more confident as an adult, I went back and tried to confront, voice my opinions over situations-- yep, not happening! It is offensive to my parents, they will get upset, as though I am attacking them or trying to be mean/trying to be a little shit or something. They aren't concerned with my point of view or what I'm actually saying or trying to express- they are upset that it threatens them.
I learned that if you choose the time and place wisely, it's perfectly fine to have an uncontrollable fit of rage. Just scare people but never break anything. But then it's been necessary to unlearn the thing and only then understand how normalizing rage is a form of dysfunction.
Yeah, I learned to grey rock. I’ve really become so aware of my reactions to things. I had been told that people would kill to have my blood pressure after a car accident… other times I’m too calm and shut down, and go off on the wrong subject.
@@chrisalmendra4370 yeah, I wasn’t allowed an opinion ever. I was always told that I was immature when I said anything in disagreement of my dad-even if it was logical (as an adult, I have learned that there is a whole body of thought supporting how I felt as a kid-it’s so validating). My dad made sure I knew I was worthless.
"Trauma survivors feel like their emotions are both wrong and too much for others based on how we were parented or how our parents reacted to our emotions. There's a lot of reclaiming in therapy for that." 🥺💔💔💔
Hearing you describe the parent expecting their child to behave like an adult w/o ever giving them the guidance, support and knowledge needed to behave that way, as "top tier trauma" felt like my issues surrounding change and taking risks had finally been validated after 37 yrs. Thank you. I needed to hear that so much.
Same here. It looks like all narcissists think this way. Even as a small child they think that you should only be given instructions once, otherwise you're slow and stupid.
Treating children as adults is bad vibes. Some food for thought is that if a white adult treats a black child like an adult, that is considered covert racism (which is an act of abuse). So, when a parent is doing it to their own child, that is definitely an abuse structure.
@Basai7 well, actually in my childhood, my mother never taught me things like how to do dishes/clean/cook, and would never let me try either. She was a "if I want it done right I might as well do it myself " kind of person. So of course, I'm that way now... 😒 but I did have to take care of her and be the responsible one when she was on a hard-core bender.
I lost my cool earlier today because of stress… no excuse, so I put my ego aside and apologized to my son. Owned my mistake without judgment on myself and feel so proud I’m capable of doing this. (Something I never saw growing up) Here’s to trying to end the cycle 🍻
@@spaceowl5957 Agree with this 100 percent. Every time my mum flips out on me or my brother she apologises and does nothing about it. No healthy anger letting out methods, no reasons for us to forgive her, no incentive to believe she’ll be getting better because she isn’t. Only resorts to smoking. It’s horrible knowing the apologies are shallow because you’ve gotten used to it. You know it’ll happen again. It never stops.
I been pretty good with owning up where I fucked up as a parent but I struggle with the not being judgmental to myself and deal with shame and guilt (which folks I can tell you staying in that mind set can become a self fulfilling prophecy of just doing what you did wrong in the first place by telling yourself you're a bad parent for even getting to that point)
Threatened by emotions was my entire childhood, from both my parents. I was trained to never cry, no matter how upset I was, because I was told that my own emotional response to hours of shaming was actually a manipulation tactic. I still struggle with crying.
it's a fine line you can't teach kids (especially men) that it's okay to just react however you want you have to teach them to control it, but you can't be so restrictive where they just shut down emotionally.
But in what way exactly? How knowing that my parents were toxic actually helps my current life? I mean - I know that this is helping others but to me, it only made me realize how fucked up I am and that I have a long way to go. So long that I actually don't want to go. I have no energy and see that, at the end of it, there's just a mediocre, shtty life.
@@kubaszymkowiak I think it helps to identify that the glitches we encounter now are in large part a result of early programming and allow us to make adjustments. Separating and individuating from the enmeshment while giving ourselves grace. Something like that....
I know Patrick has good intentions but no parent can NOT fail their kid in some way, and I think considering them toxic when they may have been doing the best they could, well, it didn't help me to judge them or resent them or shake my finger in their faces. For one, they are both dead. For another, my parents were of a generation that KNEW their kid would suffer social ostracism if they chatted on about how their relatives were in prison, or raving drunks, etc.
"Their emotions are wrong or too much for other" hit like a train. I subdue so much of what I'm feeling because it historically is not the right response. Hearing "you're too sensitive" really does a number on you. Being told to stop crying because it's not that serious. "Just get over it." Uhg it puts my stomach in knots just thinking about it.
I was told I was too sensitive over and over again once my stepfather came in the scene when I was 11. He teased me mercilessly. Literally said I “had buns like a nigger but ten times bigger” racist asshole! Also called me “pizza face” and “spotty” when I got teenage acne. Another great one is “Don’t be the town bicycle”. In other words don’t be a slut! Then when I talk to mom or anyone really about how he hurts my feelings I’m told I have no sense of humor and need to stop being so overly sensitive. Such BS. I make a good living as an artist and I am highly empathic. My friends and loved ones tell me sensitivity is my best quality - a gift that makes me me. We gotta Throw out those value judgments they imposed on us and see our sensitivity as the blessing that make us who we are.
Yiiiiikes. I didn’t realize character assassinating the other parent is abusive to the child. Thank you for pointing it out. My parents did this both constantly by attributing any “negative trait” they imagine of me to the other parent by saying “you got this stupidness or ugliness from your mom or dad”. It’s maddening or sick .
yeah i get "you and your dad just procrastinate! you're procrastinators!!! you're the biggest procrastinators i've ever met!!!!" at least 2x a month but i don't even live at HOME anymore!
Watching a parent belittle your other parent messes you up good. I spent my entire childhood watching my father relentlessly mock my mother whenever she experienced strong emotions, and I’m now afraid of showing emotion because all I can think of is how much my dad looks down on it.
Same! My mom does this from time to time. She will sometimes say "you are a narcissist like your father" because i like to tease my siblings or that he is manipulative. Even though he is a pretty good dad. And i just dont know what to belive.
Yeah. My parents character assassinate me (the scapegoat who finally escaped) and my Oma (Mum's mum) - the only supportive adult we ever had - to my younger sisters. They can see through it, fortunately, but it effing hurts.
Three situations stick in my mind: One of many times my parents split up, my mom packed a few bags and took my sister and me (along with mom) to stay with an aunt. As we set out, I began sniffling. She immediately shot her eyes at me saying something like, don't even start that crying. Another time, after I was chased down, pinned down, and nearly sexually assaulted, I told on the perpetrators and my mom had to be called home from work. She told me I had no business being in the same place with those boys. It was literally across the street from our place and next door to my grandparents' home--AND I was lured! The third was at my 8th grade graduation; After the ceremony we were all in the girls bathroom saying our last goodbyes and I was in tears. My mom retorted, what are you crying for? Some 40 years later, I still hide my emotions from others. I try not to hide them from my husband, but it's still a struggle.
I’m sorry you weren’t validated as a small babe. That sounds really scary & alienating & you never should have gone thru the experience of minimizing emotions. Your feelings are your antenna
It’s so hard. I’m sorry that happened. It wasn’t right at all. Your instincts about ALL of that were real…and totally appropriate. The way we were trained to think our reality was wrong or shameful is so damaging. I’m finally getting to know myself after 43 years of life… It’s hard to unlearn all of the things they taught me but I’m amazingly resilient and smart and strong. I can do this! And I’m really enjoying getting to know the person I truly am. Her road has been long and difficult but she’s here now and I’m going to respect everything it took to get her here snd help as best I can. She’s gonna be ok though. Just look at her! She’s gonna be just fine. 🤍 You got this, too. You’re not alone. Others have gone through a similar experience. Thank you for sharing yours. It really helps.
I can crystallize the struggle in my childhood being my mothers inability to deal with her anger. She was rage filled but silent. She would withdraw...for days. Physically present, I was always fed and cared for, but I lived on eggshells because I thought I had done something wrong. It was only when i met a few three and four and five year olds as a grown woman and witnessed their vulnerability and trust and perceptiveness that i realized how very confusing and painful it was.. I've spent a lifetime reading people in a hyperfocused kind of way, and being paralyzed by anyone's anger....including my own. "Abuse around the perception of how you see yourself"
I sometimes see my responses as a parent highlighted in your videos. I automatically defend myself in my mind, but I am glad you talk me through it and teach me new ways to interact with and validate my daughter. My goal is to end generational trauma, so I regularly fall into my automatic responses that are mirrored by my toxic relationship with my mom. I’m glad you help me face reality AND provide solutions. I am so thankful for you!
It is so refreshing to see someone be honest about their own issues with parenting. I read a LOT of parenting books and went through a lot of therapy to "ensure" that I would be a better parent than my own parents, however, I would be completely lying to myself if I said I completely escaped the cycle. I noticed I have the tendency to be a wholly permissive parent for fear that I'm going to abuse my child. I also have a really hard time when my child gets very emotional. I work on myself constantly and I try to find some solace in that, but gosh it is just so nice to hear from another parent that they are being real with themselves. Keep fighting the good fight, and know how much I respect you for being honest and addressing your own parental issues!
Generational trauma. My trauma was very covert and all done "with the best of intentions". I struggle daily with trying to figure out if I imagined some of it. I no longer talk to any of my siblings. I thought by getting away from them that my kids would have a better chance but now they have to deal with my depression. My mother was taught to ignore emotional pain and with that goes no communication. I will NEVER stop trying for my kids. I'm 56 and I still hate myself. Nothing will ever change with my family. They will never hear me so I have to change myself. Idk what the hell happened. Strangely enough I finally moved out ( way past time) not one of my family has been invited over and I have this sense of peace and calm here.
@@HeyJudie I admire you for being so aware and trying so hard. I too struggle with parenting. I've had depression since about 12. My daughter is suffering from it also. I just got her an appointment to speak to a therapist only now she doesn't want to go. I have to encourage her to try. It breaks my heart because I'm the one that gave her depression. My two kids are the only people in my life. Why can't I be the mom I want to be? 💜
@@nancyayotte2297, definition of depression is to be aware of something in oneself or one's situation but incapable of accepting it. Or unwilling. Or not yet ready. Depression is better than anxiety, for in anxiety a person desires to or feels pressured to be unaware of some thing in reality. Depression is like a need to use the toilet. There is sadness that needs to come out. Sometimes it just needs a permission to exist.
My dad would literally get mad at me if I started to cry or show emotion after he abused me or If he did something wrong. It’s so messed up. Thank you Patrick you are really helping me alot with your videos.
'Takes kids to lover's house and the kids play' ... I had no idea this happened to other people too. I can't believe that other parents would do this. It's absolutely stunning.
Can you tell something more about it? Like... did you understand what was really going on or was it just an "overall strange behaviour/circumstances"? Did you feel neglected in that situation?
My mother and my future stepfather had sex in the same room as me when I was 9 years old. We lived in a studio, they thought I was asleep. I wasn't. And I was terrified.
My brother and I were forced to be emissaries who had to deliver notes & gifts to her adulterous flings, usually at their workplaces. There was a new one every 2 months.
In my case the couple didn't have kids, but we constantly went over there to stay (also grew up in extreme christianity where other church members were treated as aunts and uncles- as in we literally called them that). I didn't see my mum and the man interacting but it's truly disgusting that she did that. And I remember right after my mum confessed the affair, the last time we visited, the man and his wife acted super lovey-dovey in front of us to try and make it seem like everything was ok.
Divorce her. No to low contact. She would have to be so screwed up to repress that information and not act on it. I would have wanted to kill whoever assaulted you.
I believe that bullying can be consider childhood trauma and can affect adult life. Also the bully is usually being abused by their parents. Being abused by a peer or several peers on a daily can cause depression, isolation low grades lack of trust in adults or authority because they do nothing or little to stop it.
wow Patrick! I was CHILLED while listening to this video... I was ADOPTED & I noticed my DADS Affair behaviors and was the one who Informed their BIOLOGICAL daughter!! ... I had NO IDEA MOTHER KNEW for years!! That was 30 years ago, I'm SURE you can GUESS where I STAND WITHIN the family! ... I have NEVER been treated like a Family member SINCE! THIS is PAINFUL STUFF! I just saw my mother after 12 years and I am an artist, she had ZERO INTEREST in ME.. NEVER ASKED about my new to her, ART CAREER! It was BITTERSWEET! THAT WAS 6 days ago and I have heard NOTHING from her. But she is "mom" THANK YOU for all you do!
The imposter syndrome, the surprise at getting picked for the team, the shame and difficulties making my own independent decisions… I have been successful, I know I am capable, but I am currently in a space where I am just completely shut down. I feel like a dead battery. I am attending therapy and on new SSRI as well as a stimulant for ADHD, but I still just….there is a chain tied to me somewhere in my brain that holds me back from transitioning from thought to action and the world around me and even my very-much-attempting-to-understand support network sees me as lazy and I understand why it looks that way. But I am literally trying, it’s just that trying is happening in an invisible space. And I feel like despite my efforts, perhaps I’m not getting the right therapy, perhaps I’m not explaining my experience well enough to be helped down the correct path to healing or healthier coping…because I keep finding myself in this cycle and at 33 I would really really REALLY like to see my efforts pay off and help me build some long term stability. Basically what should I be asking for in therapy to ensure I am receiving the correct care for me. I’m exhausted.
I am wondering if you are shut down because you were powerless in childhood to change anything that happened. Things happened to you. Now as an adult you go on letting them happen to you because you don't know how to change the dynamic. As a kid if you had tried to change anything you probably would not have succeeded. It has to be scary to be responsible for change after being powerless for so long. Fear of failure and risk taking are possible areas to explore with a therapist. Small increments of change. A support system for steps backward to be understood as part of life and not failures. I can sense your strength. Just putting a request for advice out there is a strength and a step in the direction of change.
@@nancybartley4425 because of my trauma my therapist told me I was an adult seeing things especially my abusive father as a child. He help me to see things as an adult and not emotionally and psychologically as the child in me who is damaged. It took a lot of work and was emotionally draining because he pulled out a lot of memories I had chosen to stuff deep within that was very painful. After that he started showing me how to look at things as an adult and not look at things as a abused child.
I know that Patrick has covered Inner Child work. Have you gone to that inner source? There are inner child channels that only focus on this valuable insight. Myself I stopped therapy when I stopped growing. Maybe take a break and reevaluate your needs. Maybe find another therapist...for new insight into you? Just don't stop cold with your current therapy...exiting properly is important. Best Wishes.
My father died when I was 6. I look like him. My mother would say horrible things to me about my face making her feel bad because I look like him. It was heartbreaking. She didn’t allow any emotions that didn’t match hers
My narc mother never believed that someday I'll put the dots together and figure everything out and I did and am proud of myself for escaping and removing this people from my life
The trauma a child goes through, often times the child doesn’t realize how that trauma affects behavior and thinking because trauma affects a child’s self-concept
So true... When i tried to talk about it with my mum, she said that everyone is responsible for their own happiness and life success. She refused to even consider her impact on my life.
Absolutely. And yes, they don't consider or care what they did to us often times. My mother only thought of herself as a good mother. Her abuse long forgotten. My stepfather defends her abuse to this day. I'm so alone. No one understand. My PD brother who grew up in the same nightmare has such a twisted mind now.
@@knit1purl1 I am so sorry for the abuse that you experienced. I can so relate. My father was extremely abusive including sexually abusive. I am now 78 years old and learn to forgive after finding out he and his two sisters also suffered abuse from his father. It wasn’t until how much I understood how my heavenly father created me as his child. My heavenly father has been so very loving and forgiving of me and has given me much peace in him
I am SO DETERMINED that my little guy is going to grow up happy and healthy. I work on my childhood trauma feelings/issues all the time, and I work on my parenting skills regularly. I had an alcoholic NPD father and a BPD mother. I am no contact with them both. I tell my kiddo everyday that I'm proud of him. I praise him when he tries something new. I encourage his interests. I always make sure he knows I'm happy to see him. I listen when he talks. I want him to be confident and I am determined not to fuck him up the way I was.
You're gonna screw up still, because there's no one size fits all way to raise a kid. So the most important thing is to be able to recognize when you mess up. Let your kid know that they can express when you hurt them and why, and learn to recognize when these feelings are valid and take criticism. You need to know how to apologize. This is the most important thing. If my parents could recognize their mistakes I would be able to forgive them.
Growing up when toxic positivity was the norm, there was a lot of "Stop complaining. There are children in Africa who would love to be in your position." In hindsight I think my mother was very dismissive around my discomfort. While learning to wash my hands, I would say the water's too hot, she would feel it and say "No it's not," and expect me to continue even though my hands would sting. I grew to hate washing dishes because touching the big soggy food remnants would gross me out. I even remember suggesting I wear gloves and my mother saying "You don't need gloves. Toughen up." Though this could be considered gaslighting, this was also amidst the "threatened by child emotions." My mother would become hypersensitive if I got angry at her, becoming passive aggressive or downplaying a situation. In the end it became "All negative emotions are bad" until I got into college. One way toxic positivity was spread later directly led me to how to begin to undo this trauma. When I was in junior high, an email my grandmother shared (a classic 2000's copypasta type thing) told a story of how a person's mentality could be represented by two fighting wolves. The white wolf would represent joy, trust, kindness, and all 'positive' emotions. The black wolf would represent anger, fear, despair, and all 'negative' emotions. The wolf that wins the battle is the one you feed. I took this to heart and tried to always let the white wolf win, meaning I would bottle up my emotions and rarely release them. It was only after college, while I was mentally reflecting that it hit me. It's not about winning or losing. Both these wolves are part of the 'self' and I'd been denying one side for so many years. The side that tried to look out for my best interest. The side that valued ourselves. The side that told me to stand up for myself and to fight for what I want. It was such an important piece of me that I starved for far too long. I still maintain a healthy balance, but I no longer have to be a pushover and constantly hold my tongue. I feel confident on who I have become, and that's what matters most.
I've experienced so many of these examples... I think the worse part is how long it has taken me to realise my childhood was abusive. There was no physical or extreme sexual violence but the level of neglect was so high. My mum did nothing when I said her boyfriend was being inappropriate, coming home from after school class in the dark, alone, no phone to call my mum to collect me. My mum looking bored and tired if I dared to talk about my day, interests or ask life questions. Her not caring at all about my education, work, me being bullied by my sibling, being depressed, having alcohol issues. It's so sad others go through this. I feel like I'll never get over it.
Talking like you are is helpful. Checking out The Body Knows the Score by Bessel van der Kolk which includes things to do do to relearn and reregulate after childhood trauma. I think it is a lot like grief work. The size of it may not get smaller but you build a bigger life around it. For me, I cherish all the simple good things, like now the spring flowers and trees etc, and remind myself that I can enjoy beauty. You are worthy of finding your tribe of people who will love and cherish you.
It took me a long time to figure it out too because i was gaslit every time I tried to bring up a dynamic in our home that was not okay. I was always told I was too sensitive, too dramatic, or making a big deal out of nothing. I am just lately realizing as an adult that yes I was right. My sibling WAS actually being abusive, my father was extremely passive aggressive and my mother swept everything stressful under the rug.
A year after discovering what my mothers been doing behind her attentive actions, it hit me like a ton of bricks! I was so horrified i had to break any contact and ask them not to contact me. I talked about it with them and my dad defended my mum like he knew. He doesnt know, even if he does, he says things like "oh no one is a perfect parent. Mum will pay for you to get therapy. Your emotions are too big for you, shes trying to help you so you dont get overwhelmed. She loves you. She has compassion for you." If only he knew. If only they all could see it. Theyve all worsened with age and got more narcissistic, of about 4 different types. Im scapegoated for others and i just couldnt do it anymore. Its been a good year and im still struggling daily to not think about how awful i find them and abusive. Ive had to re wire my beliefs, my thinking, my realising and do better and be better with my kids. Its hard work knowing the grief is still there. Do your best for yourself and your relationships with others will get better.
My abuse was all very mild and typical, so it's honestly surprising how quickly I realized it was abuse. I think I started realizing when I was about 13 and after my mom died and I realized how much happier I was, I fully realized it. It was just minor things like spanking, occasional emotional outbursts from my mom, minor isolation (I could talk to people but only really people in my family and people online because no kids lived nearby and I lived far from any town or city and didn't go to school) and worst of all educational neglect. It sounds pretty bad writing it all down here but honest to god, as concerning as it is, it was an environment that most people grow in aside from the improper schooling. And that's sad to me. Most people are abused and never realize it.
My mom didn't acknowledge racial profiling and said that New Yorkers are known for having bad attitudes, so I should know what to expect when I walk in the store. I really Hate When someone stands over my shoulder while I'm making my transactions and keying in my pin, but if I speak up about it, no matter how nicely I put it, I will be viewed as an angry black girl who's overreacting. Yes, she acknowledged that This happens often and I should deal with it because she's tired of me telling her about it. Tbh, it hurts me. It hurts my feelings. It's like saying that I lack a sense of style, that I'm worthless, dishonest, and that I appear to look hopeless and destitute. It's degrading and I hate it. But she's just so mean spirited. I was doing my homework at the last minute, and a few days later, she bought up me setting myself up for failure and how I can't work and go to school. How I will have no times to study. How I rushed into school and didn't plan. Like, it's all so pessimistic. I'm tired of her too. I'm really tired of so many people viewing me as if I'm not worthy of respect.
Not acknowledging reality was huge in my family. In an mlm, there is no acknowledging reality. You must stay positive, even when evrything is failing around you. No sadness. No anger. No facing facts.
It is so validating that I found this channel. My mother struggled with mental illness and drugs. The best way to describe my dad is paldin-like. Growing up, my mother & her friends brutally assassinated my father's character. I grew being told I was excluded from family activities with my mother because I was too much like my father. Almost every day, I was told my major flaw was being like my father. And I did not understand what they even meant. It wasn't until I was older that I realized they meant he was a law-abiding citizen 😂 he was selfless and spoke out against wrongdoing. But they wanted me to condone their dysfunction so as a super sensitive person who didn't like hurting others, I was berated. When I try to explain this to other people, they don't get it. They say it is hard to believe that the kids were manipulated to that extent. But we were. Thank you.❤
Wow #4 hit home. When I had big emotions my parents used to send me to my room until I was “happy”. This just taught me that my emotions were too much, that I needed to push all my emotions down and not feel them or process them. I get triggered as my mum still shares this with me as a golden parenting moment! She thinks she did the right thing and I should be doing it with my daughter. Hell no! I’m going to let my daughter feel her emotions and I’m going to help her process them. Not send her to her room to manage them herself. Thank you so much for your videos! I’ve just found you and it has been so eye opening, validating and helpful!
I was invisible and shamed and I’m sad because I’m 53 and just now figuring it out … so many years wasted Thank you your messages smack me into reality I’m amazing It feels good saying that 😘
54 and only just finding this stuff out. Does seem like wasted years but maybe now is when we can start to accept it and act on what we now know. Maybe now is just the right time.
My parents often repeated that line "children are to be seen and not heard." I think it was very damaging to developing my sense of self. Like I existed only to make them and other adults happy at my own expense. I still struggle with thinking for myself and knowing how I actually think or feel about something. I got so used to just diverting to my parents for the "right" answer, and shutting down any of my own thoughts/feelings. To this day, when people ask what I think or how I feel, my mind goes blank. This has made therapy a struggle, but I'm giving it a try again after many failed attempts.
I finally realized that therapy was a waste of my time. However, seeing someone once a week for 50 minutes, someone who may not have a clue how to help you or even differentiate you from other clients, who listens and gives very little input is just not the optimal condition for recovery. Those of us who have realized something is wrong with us need more support than 50 minutes a week can provide. There are so many great people on youtube that we can access for getting the fundamental education in the background of childhood trauma. My various therapists never mentioned attachment theory, toxic families, personality disorders, emotional neglect. They never pointed out to me that my childhood was less than normal. We need an education. Someone with diabetes needs to understand a lot about physiology if he expects to live with the disease in the best way possible. Besides giving us the psychological education we need to address our issues, youTube also provides us with support from those leaving comments. It helps to hear all the ways others have experienced and then learned to cope with childhood trauma. UA-cam is there 24/7 for you. You therapist isn't. I am not saying that therapists are bad. I am saying the paradigm for help (50 minutes one a week) is terribly inadequate for meeting the needs of people. It would behoove the psychological community to look at UA-cam in conjunction with weekly therapy as a paradigm shift that needs to occur. When I have mentioned therapists/coaches like Jay Reid, Patrick, the Crappy Childhood Fairy, my therapist doesn't have a clue who I'm talking about.
@15:30 Yes! Plus, we could express many emotions, but not really anger. Then they arbitrarily took something away from me that i had earned independently, (over a period of weeks), and gave it to the golden child, then said, "That's final! I don't want to hear anymore about it." So i just shut up, went to my room, and avoided the golden child for the next 5 years, until i left home. They know that you're furious, but think that you'll just get over it, in a week or two. In truth, it made me feel violated and robbed, increased my resentment of the golden child, and largely destroyed my trust in that parent, but i was told not to bring it up again, so i didn't.
Thank you for mentioning your 10 year old not hanging his towel up despite constant reminders for years. My son (same age) has similar issues....I wasn't sure if it was something seriously wrong with him, or something seriously wrong with my parenting. Apparently it's just normal! When you grow up in an abusive home, it's hard to have any idea what "normal" child behavior is.
If you keep in mind that kids are practicing 1000 different skills everyday to eventually become functional people, it becomes a little easier to accept the mistakes and the mess. We don't even develop the main judgement/decision-making part of our brain until after 18.
As a parent one thing I’ve had to work on, that I didn’t realize I had trauma around is showing excited/ happy emotions - I was always yelled at if I got too excited, my instinct/ survival brain always wants to stifle the excitement (make it quiet) out of fear of my own dad. But I do well when I mentally remind myself “I’m the parent. We get to be excited in my family”
My thing as a parent is that I would really love to hear from my adult children how they perceived me as a parent and how I came across to them in terms of emotional things. Its something we dont really like to ask our kids, maybe we are afraid of what they would answer, but also that they may have great difficulty in expressing how they felt as children, especially if it were negative about us. Does anyone else feel this way or is it just me ?
Can you do a video about the physical toll of growing up with dysfunction and toxicity? Like holding breath, deep sighing, clenching muscles, fight or flight constantly on, teeth grinding/ clenching, ect.. and what to do to help relieve these things as an adult.
I find Fascial Counterstrain Therapy helpful for treating my chronic pain, tension, and other symptoms related to a lifetime of stress, plus some other conditions and old injuries. It's a gentle, hands-on type of physical therapy I get from a licensed physical therapist I was referred to by my primary care provider and my health insurance (a Medicaid HMO) covers it. The SNRI Duloxetine also helps with my managing chronic pain, and is commonly prescribed for fibromyalgia.
13:45 I resonate with the "canary in the coal mine" analogy. I remember one time when my father was launching objects down the hallway during an argument with my mom. I hid in the bedroom at one end of the hallway with the family pets. My mom was at the other end continuing to yell and argue with him. Later I asked her if she was scared for my safety; I knew that if I hadn't timed it right, I would have been hit by the flying objects. She looked surprised and said, no, she hadn't thought about me. She was only worried for her own safety.
Wow. 7 for 7. I do wanna touch on one statement from #5, the unnecessary power struggle, about the double standard abusive people have when they talk about “respect.” There are two kinds of respect: treating someone like an authority figure, and treating them like a human being. And they are always using the first one for themselves and the second one for the abused family member. “If you don’t respect me I won’t respect you” = “if you don’t treat me like the ultimate authority, I won’t even treat you like a person.”
Ouch, okay. I do have a bad habit of telling my son I’m not mad when I’ve just clearly shown I’m frustrated 🤦🏻♀️ I reckon I actually mean “Hey I’m not mad at you, you’ve done nothing wrong, this is a me thing” but it definitely comes out wrong more than I’d like so I’d better pay attention to that.
“All abuse is about power.” You speak the truth Patrick. You’re amazing. I just finished watching the tv series roots. I watched it when I was ten and it opened my eyes as a child. Thank you for what you do.
I just discovered this channel, and it's been monumental for me. #4 in this got me good. I was such an anxious and fearful child and would tell my mom about scary intrusive thoughts and she would get so upset - it was always, "Oh not this again, aren't we over this?" or, "The doctors already said it's because of your asthma," etc. etc. Never comfort or understanding. Not yelling either, just impatience and blowing it off. I always wondered why. Thank you for explaining this to me!!!
"When you're scared of the abusive step-parent and your parent is abusive around your fear, it might be that you are kind of the canary in the coal mine of the whole situation, and they don't like that." 100% 💔
WOW. So many of these resonated with me. I always bragged that I was brought up in the perfect family, but there were many things that were "off" at home. I am autistic as well (undiagnoseduntil my mid forties), so that added a whole other dimension to what was going on. There was no physical abuse, but I think emotional neglect and denial of reality played a huge part in my childhood, as well as having one parent relatively passive (dad) and the other passive-aggressive (mom). I cut my wrists at age 12 or 13 (self harm rather than suicide); when my mom finally noticed and asked I told her that I fell on the track at school. She accepted that story without any more questions despite the obvious fact that the cuts were in the wrong direction. She would also steal my stuff, going through my room when I was not there and then not saying anything about it. It was up to me to notice and asking about it was implicitly out of the question. Anything she didn't like would disappear from my room without explanation. It was not a two way "you don't respect my stuff, so I don't respect yours," but just a complete lack of respect for not only my stuff, but of my privacy and my person. She is still like that even though I am an adult. I moved back in with her for 3 years to help take care of my dad before he died and she still went through my stuff and stole from me whatever she didn't like. Talk about developing trust issues! I did seriously think that this behavior was just her. Though I'm not sure it makes me feel any better knowing that others had to deal with that kind of BS. The lack of teaching life skills and then being criticized for not knowing things was also a big deal.. Other things resonated as well, but this comment is too long already, and those were the big ones
Patrick, you're a treasure trove of empathy and wisdom. It just occurred to me recently that introverted kids who listen and think deeply, if stuck with parents who dismiss, ignore, and berate, become adults who chronically find themselves in relationships where they're talked over, talked down to, not heard, and even overtly abused.
I was raised by my grandparents and my parents never loved me. My mom had two other families she abandoned before having my brother and I and my dad just ignored me entirely. When my mom was actually around, she played really obvious favorites and called me fat. She started putting me on diets in the 1st grade and was always comparing me to my older sister. My dad was either yelling at us or smacking us around. When I would see them, my mom would say things like "I never should have had kids with your father" and was extremely jealous of my grandparents because we loved them. Years later, I was in therapy and told my shrink that my parents didn't love me. She told me that I was probably right and I was just floored.
Thank you, because I had very broken parents and only now I realise I don't know how to treat my son other than what I was treated. Being aware is not enough, I need to be taught.
I really struggle with change. And imposter syndrome. Definitely was underparented. I am reparenting myself. I got myself. Thank you for this! You continue to help me see where I can heal.
Very good info. As a mom I noticed that I cannot stand my child whining or talking too much. I remember my mother always telling me to be quiet, pushing me away when I tried to show love and being checked out. I noticed that I started to act like my mom in regards to my child talking. I would get annoyed at the constant yapping and ask my child to have quiet time or I would check out. I am currently working on changing this and finding healthy alternatives to being present and changing my thoughts on how I feel when my daughter wants to talk to me. As silly as it sounds I was raised that children are not to be heard and have unfortunately continued that philosophy. I would love to have something on this so I can work on it while she is still young.
I loathed the feeling of having to be seen not heard, yet I felt the same about kids as I got older. At some point I realized how harmful that paradigm is and how crazy it is to expect kids to just become healthy, well adjusted members of society without lots of parental/ adult interaction and mentorship. I’m not maternal and not even a kid person, but I tell myself “kids are important”. It seems crazy that at 40 that is a revelation to me, but saying it to myself helps improve my patience when interacting with kids.
Now, full disclosure: I am working through my CPTSD currently, so perhaps my view isn't healthy or correct. But I see quiet time as quite a positive thing, in my mind I'm showing my child that I have a need and that by prioritising it, it means that I feel better able to cope with the rest of my day. I know that if I don't have a quiet hour in the afternoon I'm unlikely to be able to make it to bedtime still in control of my emotions or crying from exhaustion. I try to make it clear that it's because my body needs a rest, rather than it being because of the child. I have no idea if this is okay or not - I think that's the thing I hate most about CPTSD, it's like trying to build a house on unstable ground, with no blueprint. I constantly doubt myself and my parenting choices.
a lot of us were raised that way. it's good you've become aware of this, and to be fair I love the crap out of my kids but sometimes I have to remind myself to be present, so its not like you are alone, I think a lot of parents have this struggle
@@kiiabbyI think asking for quiet time isn't bad. Parents ask for quiet time if a younger child needs to take a nap. Just give your kid something to do like coloring. Or something creative like drawing you quietly while you're sleeping like I've seen some parents do recently lol
I guess the fact your videos are starting to make me cry when I used to be pretty numb to the insights is a sign of progress. It's never not heartbreaking :(
Going through this too. Recently I’ve been deeply feeling so many negative emotions. But I used to feel nothing. So yes, I guess thats progress. Healing hurts more than abuse sometimes.
Is there a parenting pattern for parents who can’t be told they’re wrong? My mum would flip out over the smallest things/ try and get compliments from us by saying she’s fat/ get sympathy when she said she had no money even though she did it herself, and then when we told her (in a nice way) that she’s wrong or we couldn’t help her out we’d be immediately guilt tripped/ blamed - so we weren’t allowed to have any emotions. There was only room in the house for her feelings. I still struggle with opening up to this day.
You might relate to one of the narcissistic parent role plays on this channel. Sounds similar to one of the ones I've watched, before, but I can't remember which one to link it.
A huge part of abuse is controlling the narrative of the past. Guilt alleviation. Also, you are rewarded with love and attention based on your adherence to this historical remake. I would say 'gaslighting' but it is so steeped in mistruth, it's almost 'augmented reality'.
I'd like to add also, never admitting to being wrong, or not believing the child. My most prominent example of this is when I was eleven, my sister got us a bunny, and it was my responsibility to take care of it. So being a determined youngster, I did my research, and found a bunch of info on having a pet rabbit, and my parents just scoffed at me and refused to believe the info I shared with them. Then I tried keeping the bunny according to my research, but they yelled at me and did things their way. Then they did an ounce of research, realized I was right, but just refused to admit it, and from then on, any adjustments I believed the rabbit needed for a better quality of life were waved off, and they just said I had no idea what I was talking about.
I sat down with my mom at, like, 7 years old and talked about how uncomfortable I was in my dad's parents house. At the time, I rationalized it because I understood that my grandparents only saw my family once every two years because we lived in another country, but what I didn't know was that I was picking up on the abuse my dad had gone through at my grandpa's hand. It wasn't until I was an adult that my dad told me anything about the abuse, both physical and emotional, that he suffered as a child and hearing what you said about parents denying reality is really hitting home right now.
This has all been so confusing. And I can't tell what's real and what's not. What's serious and what's not. My entire childhood has been drawn into question and I felt so much internal conflict over the decisions I've made. Hearing you, sadly, is like someone was there when I was a kid. You have been profoundly validating. And I'm stronger and more determined every day that this BS absolutely ends. In every way. What I've tolerated my entire life, I'm a middle aged person, is done, is over. Sweeping 50 years and insult after insult after final insult under the rug. IS DONE! I'm so angry about it that I'm done. I liberated myself from someone who would destroy me rather than love me. You bring it all to their doorstep. 💚 Thank you for being the voice none of us had.
I am polish but thank you for publicly acknowledging situation that is currently happening near polish border - In Ukraine. Lot of people from US seem to be uninterested and not do not treat this issue seriously. It seems to be far a way in the terms of geographic distance but the consequence of this situation would be much bigger than people usually can imagine, So the awareness and empathy is very important. Thank you! And thank you for your job!
I am aware, and the great help Poland gas given to Ukraine. You are holding the front lines of Democracy and humanity..like 1921. Brave and compassionate
When I was around 7-8 years old, I was terrified of thunderstorms, especially in the middle of the night. I would hear the lightning crackle in the sky & I would wake up, frightened, & naturally I would jump out of bed, running as fast as I could to my parent’s bedroom, seeking comfort and safety. Instead, I was always forbidden from getting in bed with them. I would have to lay on the floor at the foot of their bed, alone, with my blanket & sleep there. They would never get out of bed to make sure I was ok. In the morning they would just step over me like a log. Never once did I get a hug or any reassurance from either of them. My fears were totally dismissed. This happened for a couple years. It wasn’t until a few years ago that I realized this is NOT GOOD PARENTING and is abusive. I still wonder how my parents could just let me sleep on the floor at the foot of their bed, instead of comforting me. Wouldn’t their conscious at least bother them a little? I’m still to this day not sure why I was never allowed to ever get in their bed.
I literally have been struggling with hearing about some of these toxic traits that have been exhibited in my family, and know how they have affected me. Now as an adult I struggle with consistency, imposter syndrome, anxiety, difficulty making my own independent decisions without feeling deep guilt and shame about them. This helped so much, I wish I could get help with navigating the result of these trauma's as an adult
Tapowa, it seems that you already have a good understanding of yourself. This is half the battle! Private therapy is only as good as the therapist. Finding the right one for you can change your life. It's all about self observation and connecting the dots to past feelings from childhood. You can do it.
I am 54 and have only recently cut myelf off from my parent. Nothing I said or did over the years brought them any closer to understanding what they had done to me. As well as seeing a regular therapist I saw and EMDR practicioner and also practice EFT by myself. Brad Yates is an EFT hero and has a channel here. I don't think I'll every be the same as someone who was raised without chaos and in a loving home, but I'll be damned if those people's legacy is going to bring me down. Best of luck to you luv, you deserve the best life you can make for yourself.
Patrick. You helped to save my life. I’m also going back to school to become a therapist after the likes of yourself, your mentor, Tim Fletcher, and Anna Runkle. Thank you for sharing your gift! Maybe we could work together some day in the future. 🖤🤗
Wow, a lot to process as a "child" and parent. I love how Patrick inserts his own story into the discussion, we know he's dealing with this stuff too. While I was raising my kids I always tried to treat them how I would want to be treated and know I failed often because of my childhood trauma, but I continued to keep trying and to be present for them. As a grandma I am more patient, which I know helps.
I’m glad you can be aware of this. I also had my childhood trauma where my mom being a borderline personality disorder tried to home wreck someone else’s home and blame the home she was home wrecking in the wife being jealous. I know, that is BPD for you. It affected me because I ended up rebounding with a guy who’s parents tried to be together “for convenience”. Though let’s take a look at my rebound, I was a relationship addict that lead to many learning experiences. But the guy I rebounded, never cleaned, nor bought food and allowed myself to be influenced because I had such poor boundaries, he ended up moving in with me after a month. After six months of dating, when he paid the rent, I kept it and kicked him out. However, it was getting raped that got me into therapy and now the best version of myself, where I look back and can say man. That was a bit of a bumpy ride. I’m happy it’s super smooth now I’m self sufficient.
@@ThatGmoney Wow! Thanks for sharing. Those are really tough situations, so glad you were brave enough to kick him out. I'm so happy things are better for you now! Peace and hugs to you. 💕💕
As a parent of an 18 month old, I am studying this not so much to learn about my own childhood, which definitely had some toxicity to it, but to try to avoid making these mistakes as a parent myself. I am hoping that being cognizant of different ways to be a bad parent will help me to avoid them myself.
@@michigandersea3485 I tried to correct the mistakes of my youth with my kids (they are all grown now with their own kids). Looking back I know realize how much my own unresolved issues affected my ability to parent as healthy as I wanted.
I booked an appointment with my therapist a while ago because I was getting really good feedback in my job & people were recommending me and I just couldn't deal with it. I couldn't even think about without getting so stressed and upset and feeling just a mush of everything at once. It was really debilitating. It's all making much more sense now I know I went through childhood trauma.
def can relate to parent being threatened by my emotions, specifically by any negative emotions (sadness, anger…) i was dismissed once i experienced huge emotions as a young child and as i become older and even more emotionally unregulated i would become explosive because i never felt heard
100% with kids knowing what is not said. My dad was always not only at work but emotionally absent when he was around. I still have vivid memories of being 15 and point blank asking my mom "where has daddy been all of our lives?" Before then, I knew something was wrong but I was finally able to articulate it. It came as no surprise to me when they divorced 7/8 years later. Over the years I discovered precisely why my dad acts the way he does. His neglect affects me to this day, even with hours of therapy. Tragic events can change people and he hid himself inside his head and a bottle well before I was born. It's sad to say, but when he dies I'll mourn what could have been rather than mourning his death.
WOW! Every time I think “OK, Ive watched 1 years worth of these videos. I think Ive learned everything i can possibly learn, BOOM! 🤯…..OUR WORK IS NEVER DONE. Thanks for all your wisdom, insight and knowledge.
Very insightful video, thanks. I wish it was more talked about how being a passive parent can really mess things up for kids. When you use every part of you to signal that you're hurting and no one provides guidance or even acknowledgment, you feel very invisible and powerless.
On the point of #5 I dealt with ADHD for a long time and homework was always a struggle. While I was neglected by my parents they belittled me for having a hard time in school (expecting me to figure it out without any help) but worse there were times my mom would actively get in the way of my schooling. There were two specific instances where I was doing summer school and mom didn't allow me to finish major assignments because she wanted to throw a 4th of July party. At one point I even recorded her rampages to prove to the teacher that I wasn't lying and needed more time. It was a battle every time
Dysfunctional family systems really have no idea what is appropriate behaviour from children at each developmental stage. Im watching adults in my family shouting at a 3 year old whose being potty trained for not communicating when he needs to go to the bathroom. In my head im just like "but he's 3 years old. How do you expect him to get that right every time when he's used to a nappy?" I am definitely afraid of making mistakes as an adult because of the same treatment when I was a child. The expectation in my family was always that children must have the same level of understanding as what an adult has without even having things explained to them first.
A lot of parents feel the child is being willful and purposely wetting themselves when it's nothing of the sort. I believe it's around two years of age when there is enough sphincter and bladder control to be able for this to even work right. BUT all bodies are different so it may take longer, and if they're upsetting him, of course there will be more difficulties. Just wait until they're at the other end of their lives and lose bladder control again themselves.
I wonder if Patrick Teahan's parents know about this channel and how well he's doing now, they must be absolutely flipping mad lmao Thanks for this video, it's great, as always!
Nah, they'd probably still demean and diminish, or minimize, his accomplishments. It would be pretty in-line with the way he's described his family, as far as I know. Basically, they would see it and go "see he's not a *real* therapist, just on the internet." or something ridiculous....that's just my non-professional guess, based on my parents doing the same thing. Abusers can't admit fault; they just move the goal-posts.
I think his parents have passed. I could be wrong. But I recall him making a reference to this in recalling how he could remember the smell of their alcoholism.
Our emotions as children never mattered. Only my nut of a borderline mother mattered. My stepfather was her supreme enabler. Everything revolved around her screaming, sobbing and rages. This seems minor but I remember my brother brought a paper santa he had made at school. He showed it to my mother who nastily stated "I don't want that in the house" and she threw it on the garage shelf. My brother stated in a defeated voice "I worked really hard on that." He's the one who became a PD himself. Yes my mother controlled us. She also spoke of our bio-dad who we didn't have contact with as "your father" Never "my ex-husband" Like we had choice in the matter.
My children's father left us when they were 10 and 6 years old in 1993. I also was a child of divorced parents and remembered how painful it was when I was compared to, or critiqued negatively by my mother and grandmother by comparing me to the "bad" parent and his family. My grandma's favorite was: I'll beat him out of you! So when it was my turn to be the sole parent I promised myself I will never talk negatively - preferably not at all - about my girls' father to them, or around them. I felt the old pain just by being told "your father", bringing pain and shame to me. After thinking about it for a while I decided to call him "my husband" rather than "your father". I felt that the guilt and shame stayed with me the adult, who could handle it. My girls are now in their thirties. The other day when I was telling them a story from their yearly childhood my eldest stopped me when I said "my husband" and told me I could say "your dad", it's fine, I am not hurting them. I guess it turned out OK. I am glad I made this decision when they were young.
O the sobbing would be bouts of the following “no one ever cared for me, I had to be the one to do it all my own. I did everything, no one did nothing for me. Your father was never there, I carried this family, it was me, ALLLLLLLLL MEEEEEEEE” *sons cries… pauses, sobs cries rinse and repeat -along those lines, right? First off, I’m glad you are able to spot the trauma disorder and know it isn’t your fault. Once you’re able to identity the main bulk will you be able to understand which you and have more self awareness and of course separate you, your identity from the disorder and most importantly focus on you.
@@ThatGmoney 😂 sounds like the bs my mother would tell the johns she would meet while my father was away at work ~ bitch had the nuts to leave us in the car while she would go bang married men & come back drunk & giggling
When you mentioned the comment from a parent about a child's art work, it reminded me of something. I was about 9, and I was practicing diligently at sketching things. I looked at a picture of Donald Duck and studied and copied so carefully how it was made, the shape of his bill, his eyes, etc. I drew a very good likeness of Donald and showed it to a couple of people who admired it, as we were at a family vacation with others. When I proudly showed it to my father, hoping that he would be so proud of me he said "You'll never get anywhere copying someone else's work." Of course a true statement, but he was speaking to a 9 year old! And how crushed I felt. I wasn't trying to "get anywhere", I was just practicing being a good sketch artist.
“You’re just like your father!!” Which means I’m dumb and careless (his undiagnosed adhd passed onto me (recently diagnosed) hence more shaming for not listening well and being messy and “what’s wrong with you???!!”
One of my mother's favorite expression to say to me when I was angry or upset was "Oh somebody looks crooked at you and you fall apart", and just ignore me, or get even more hostile with me.
I've been struggling with memory loss regarding my childhood and traumatic events that happened. Which is really frustrating especially if therapists and mental health professionals don't believe me or simply praise the fact that I can't remember anything. However the power dynamic part triggered some deep rage in me and sometimes new memories plop up so thank you for the video :)
Yes I feel the pain must be processed and you must cry to be fully free and release the feeling. Having the memories blocked is a problem IMO. I asked my counselor if I can heal not being sale to remember 1st 9 years where we lived in another country.
@@recyclespinning9839 I'm sorry to hear that I hope you'll find closure one day. For me the memories I've got are like islands and I'll remember one picture frame or one event or one scent, a detail from that and I've been going through old pictures to help refresh my memories and connect them with the actual event's that happened. It's been a really fun process to me. I found an old box containing things from when I was 12-13 and it made me feel really weird inside. It was a mixture of wholesome, embarrassed, validating, I need a hug, I hate everything and melancholic. It was really good. But the second I put them back my memories where shut off again. Only when I'm reminded these memories come back. It's actually pretty interesting when frustrating at the same time.
I have a Cartman's mom/Unknown dad situation too! I wish I knew what was underneath her parenting style. But when I grew up she couldn't let go of me and it became abusive after I was an adult and I had to cut off my "sweet" mother. I definitely didn't respect her as a child, and when she demanded respect back after I was old enough to move out it became a huge point of conflict.
It's sad, so sorry. Have you set Boundaries to protect yourself? They are necessary and useful. Your mother needs therapy. Too old? Protect yourself by setting Boundaries and respect them yourself. Best to you!
my parents and teachers made every decision for me growing up. i can't decide to do anything anymore, even if i know what i wanna do, even if i have a plan. because im scared, because something might go wrong, and because every time, i have to push back against my parents, which is hard to even will myself to TRY and do
I really love your videos Patrick, they are very helpful. I do have a question, though: What do you think about parents who constantly shame you for "wasting" so much money or not being independent enough, yet hold you hostage when you try to be self sufficient? Where would this type of behavior fall into? Thanks!
That’s a great topic for a video. I’ve lived this, too. I actually had to lie to my mother when I was job hunting to keep her from sabotaging potential interviews, because we were living together at the time. She had no idea I was working until two weeks later when I couldn’t hide it anymore. She was furious with me. 😂
This is the primary challenge - to act on your own behalf and become your own better parent until you can simply take the actions you need to take without caring how they react. Notice how narcs always kick out and demonize anyone they can't control? Scour your own awareness for your fears around that. It's your fear holding you hostage more than anything they can do.
As a Gen Xer, I feel like we almost all had bad situations at home as our parents divorced. We came home alone to an empty house, did homework alone, made our own dinner, and for kids like me had only one parent who was seldom home. When you see everyone you know in a similar situation, you don't realize how terrible that is. We had to be adults when we were so young.
@@ellesamuse "successfully taught skills" is the big difference not everyone gets taught you just have to figure it out which is the line between good and bad parenting in my opinion.
My parents never taught me life skills. As a kid I didn’t know that I was supposed to learn those things. But as I got older my parents would start criticizing me for not knowing how to do the things they never taught me.
Scapegoating relieves parents of their own issues.
Criticism is a cover up. Google scapegoating. It's valuable information. We get Scapegoated without realizing it. It has taken me 40 years to realize that my entire family scapegoated me...even into adulthood.
I've learned a lot from introspection. Save yourselves. No one else will. Peace to everyone.
Same. My parents taught me literally NO skills. Apparently school was where I was supposed to learn everything about life. 🙄
@@kirstinstrand6292 I have a 3yo daughter and having her really opened my eyes to what my parents did and still do to me. I would NEVER treat my daughter they way they treat me, I can’t fathom wanting to hurt her.
Like doing laundry, cooking, balancing a checkbook/budgeting, safe driving, manners, working for things that they want/need, work ethic in general, paying attention to their surroundings, not following the crowd - being an independent thinker, consequences for poor behavior, fixing basic things in a home, etc. A lot of kids are clueless about real life.
Same here
"Thinking differently than me is rebellion."
typical of people who think the world owes them to revolve around them
"Many trauma survivors are criticized on adult levels while not getting any parental help from their parents." This 100%, especially when you're the scapegoat.
..::: Fellow scapegoat nods in too deep a level of agreement…
@@heather333 I also chose to never have kids. Older me is now sad I never did because I love children. But I also understand why younger me wouldn't have been capable of being a good parent with all the misinformation about parenting and trauma running in my head. I made the right choice even if I'm sad for what I had to miss out on because of it.
It can happen for the Golden Child, too, when you're supposed to forego any personal interests or personality to become the toxic parent's "mini me" instead. The criticism is constant, the parental support nonexistent.
I always got the ‘own a McDonald’s don’t work at one’! But how? I got no financial education from my parents which my Mom sincerely regrets now.
100 percent but they are also narcissist’s
I’m 72 years old and STILL learning things I wasn’t taught.
Two runners up to this list is - "When I was a kid I was up at 5am" - shaming children for providing a better childhood? and weaponizing mood on a child.
Can you say more about what the second one looks like?
Yes. I often felt like my mom hated us for not having the same childhood like hers, in turn made her abusive to her children for being slightly happier. It's hard to explain,but my whole family line is just full of generational abuse.
My brother and I were raised by a single mom, and money was tight. She would actually compare us to her boss' kids and shame us for not getting into special governor's schools programs, hanging out with "lower class" kids, not being in loads of extracurriculars, etc. All while expecting us to come straight home after school and do loads of chores because she worked full time. It was like HELLO?!? WE'RE POOR!!
@@BlankMoments I can relate. My father used to resent the snot out of any advantage we had, that he didn't have growing up. He was so afraid of us being "spoiled," he used to actually sabotage his jobs and get fired, just so the family would stay poor.
Those two runners up definitely illicit a lot of shame kids when they’re used on them.
[15:00] "Healthy Kids are gonna test limits. Neglected Kids are gonna test if their parents are gonna show up for them"
So true, that's the difference between good enough and toxic parenting in one sentence. Thank you so much!
I never even thought about testing limits.
Even withouth actively testing it I was constantly confronted with what it meant to accidentally cross my parent's borders and anger them.
I was in neglected kid and never tested my parents. I knew from the get-go that they would never show up.
@@fredseiss5287 that is exactly what I thought when I heard that. I always knew there was no point.
Ditto. For me it was to get attention and see if they will show up for me. I did that by pretending to drown in front of my mother. The lifeguard ended up rescuing me but my mother ignored it.
I had this as well from a young age. I remember telling my mom everyday that I got grounded and explained what I did although in reality some other kid got grounded and I just pretended I did it when I was telling her the story. She never showed any concerns or interest.
"Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about." Another threatened by emotions tactic. My parent would say that while brushing my hair and yanking out tangles, implying that the consequence of more crying would hurt a good deal more.
That was my Mom's favorite line too when she was angry and screaming at me. I always thought that it shoud have been obvious that I was crying because I already had something to cry about.
@@sacredheartsisters891 Exactly!!
^^THIS. I went throw the exact same thing, but I would also be smacked in the head with the hairbrush because I wouldn't sit still.
Anytime she went after me physically, I was threatened not to make a sound or she'd say the same thing. She would make good on her threat, too.
Now, I hate crying, or having any emotions at all, because mine were always wrong.
@@ColorMeConfused29 Absolutely, it wrecks emotions, good and bad. Like the safest thing to be is a blank slate.
@@ColorMeConfused29 yeah, my mom did that too. It wasn't until we got too annoying when she would "brush" my sisters and I hair, that she just gave up on the "bonding moment"
Anytime I get a hair cut or my bf tries to be sweet and brush my hair. I have a sensory overload. I've gotten better at relaxing, but it always hits a point where I feel like needles are pricking my scalp while others touch my head/hair.
When Patrick brought up how useless it is to confront parents about the past, a burden was lifted. One thing I always hated about talking to my mother about my trauma was that she would apologize followed by “things just never got better. I always prayed for things to get better but they didn’t” or “I didn’t have a mother. The same things happened to me as a child.” She is incapable of any type of analysis beyond God never brought anyone in her life to help her. In her mind accountability is “I’m sorry. But you’re fine now right? Let’s move on.”
I remember when I told her that her physically abusive boyfriend was having sex with me (I watched him pull a gun on her). After she kicked him out, a couple days later she said “I just want to let you know that in God’s eyes you’re still a virgin.” I honestly feel that was the biggest contributor to me despising religion. That was such an off base remark and response to what I went through. As if I gave two shits about where I stood with God.
Your mother is psycho-you have no obligation to her
I gave up confrontation years ago. I always got one-upped by my parents. Now my mother confides how much her mother neglected her, as if my sister and I are her friends. You know you left us home alone with grandma all day while you were out, and therefore she neglected us too, right? But no that'll never connect in her brain.
Sounds like a way to sweep things under the rug so she didn't have to deal with/parent you. Your experience has zero to do with religion or God so please don't think they/them would be judging you or deciding anything about you, that's not how this works. It was a way for her to side-step the work she needed to be doing helping you to heal.
@@nuthinbutluv4u142 yes exactly. I wish Patrick would do a video on this type of parent. I literally experienced everything on the ACE trauma scoring thing. While my mother acknowledges that things were horrible, she also gives off a “please don’t make me feel guilty vibe.” With a side helping of I was raised much worse.
@@mynameispeaches the world is filled w people who were raised much worse and they didn't choose to make their abusers a primary caretaker for their kids. My egg donor claimed the same thing then one day i woke up and noticed something. There are only 2 explanations for the choice. Either they are lying about their abuse or they purposefully did that in hopes we would be abused. So they are either liars or truly evil.
I think my grandmother- who was kind and good to us- got stuck w a child who was possibly psychopathic (she stabbed her 12-yr-old brother in the back with a fork when she was 6 because he wouldn't give her something- he had to go to the ER with it in his back) and being an uneducated poor woman whose husband was gone in the navy 6 mos a year she just didn't know how to deal w her and spanked her or isolated in her room. Children with extreme self- reference often report any experience of not getting what they want as abuse. I personally think there is just a branch of the human family that evolved to prey on socio-typical people. I believe the response of becoming a malignant narcissist in difficulty is genetically pre-disposed. Pro-Socio-typical people tend and befriend others in hard times. Anti-social people just become more anti-social and better at covering it up.
I think a big one for me is that I'd always be treated as an adult when it was convenient for my parents. If I brought home a bad grade as a kid, my dad would tell me "You didn't do your part/job, my job is to make money, yours it to do well in school." But if I asked if I could go on an overnight field trip as a high schooler, I would be treated as a kid and told no, I had to stay home for no discernible reason.
Oh, yes, that was a big routine for my father, too. In college, I confided to a friend that it was like being taught to run quickly, then only being allowed to walk at a slow pace.
I went thru this too. I was expected to “do my job” as the kid by going to church 2-5 days a week, getting straight As, excelling in extracurriculars, planning and executing my own life plan, working 2 jobs, building my own business, getting a GED to attend college early, etc.
My dad couldn’t even keep his eyes on his wife lol
Same here! It's frustrating
This comment section is the most comforting and reassuring thing I've seen in years. Thank you all for your comments. the abuse I experienced, and feel today, is not crazy or just who I am. How profoundly reassuring is it to be validated by hundreds of comments. Never stop what you're doing Patrick. :')
Oh my gosh, #4 (threatened by kids’ emotions) hit home. We were disciplined from an early age to be neutral, calm, or happy. Getting upset was borderline threatening, and getting mad??? It was taboo. I still have extreme difficulty expressing anger or feeling upset decades later
Oh I can relate to that only I can't control my emotions. Five kids in the family all except me very calm and well behaved. I feel like I got all the emotions they didn't. I was and still am " the too sensitive one" one time I told my mom she was insensitive and she said " I AM NOT!" She's 89 years old.
"Getting upset was borderline threatening, and getting mad?? It was taboo."
This, 100%. I believe I learned early on to just never speak up for myself, or "create conflict". Once I learned to be more confident as an adult, I went back and tried to confront, voice my opinions over situations-- yep, not happening! It is offensive to my parents, they will get upset, as though I am attacking them or trying to be mean/trying to be a little shit or something. They aren't concerned with my point of view or what I'm actually saying or trying to express- they are upset that it threatens them.
I learned that if you choose the time and place wisely, it's perfectly fine to have an uncontrollable fit of rage. Just scare people but never break anything. But then it's been necessary to unlearn the thing and only then understand how normalizing rage is a form of dysfunction.
Yeah, I learned to grey rock. I’ve really become so aware of my reactions to things. I had been told that people would kill to have my blood pressure after a car accident… other times I’m too calm and shut down, and go off on the wrong subject.
@@chrisalmendra4370 yeah, I wasn’t allowed an opinion ever. I was always told that I was immature when I said anything in disagreement of my dad-even if it was logical (as an adult, I have learned that there is a whole body of thought supporting how I felt as a kid-it’s so validating). My dad made sure I knew I was worthless.
"Trauma survivors feel like their emotions are both wrong and too much for others based on how we were parented or how our parents reacted to our emotions. There's a lot of reclaiming in therapy for that." 🥺💔💔💔
Hearing you describe the parent expecting their child to behave like an adult w/o ever giving them the guidance, support and knowledge needed to behave that way, as "top tier trauma" felt like my issues surrounding change and taking risks had finally been validated after 37 yrs. Thank you. I needed to hear that so much.
Same here. It looks like all narcissists think this way. Even as a small child they think that you should only be given instructions once, otherwise you're slow and stupid.
Same boat. It's painful and enlightening. Wishing you all the best!
Treating children as adults is bad vibes. Some food for thought is that if a white adult treats a black child like an adult, that is considered covert racism (which is an act of abuse). So, when a parent is doing it to their own child, that is definitely an abuse structure.
I'm sure this aligns with "parentification" of a child by a "parent" who doesn't want the responsibility. 😒
@Basai7 well, actually in my childhood, my mother never taught me things like how to do dishes/clean/cook, and would never let me try either. She was a "if I want it done right I might as well do it myself " kind of person. So of course, I'm that way now... 😒 but I did have to take care of her and be the responsible one when she was on a hard-core bender.
I lost my cool earlier today because of stress… no excuse, so I put my ego aside and apologized to my son. Owned my mistake without judgment on myself and feel so proud I’m capable of doing this. (Something I never saw growing up)
Here’s to trying to end the cycle 🍻
Good for you and your son! 👏🏾
My mother never said she was sorry for anything ever. I made a point to be better and can sincerely apologize 😊
You also need to make a genuine promise to do your best to stop the behavior in the future in order for the apology to be meaningful and healing imo
@@spaceowl5957 Agree with this 100 percent. Every time my mum flips out on me or my brother she apologises and does nothing about it. No healthy anger letting out methods, no reasons for us to forgive her, no incentive to believe she’ll be getting better because she isn’t. Only resorts to smoking. It’s horrible knowing the apologies are shallow because you’ve gotten used to it. You know it’ll happen again. It never stops.
I been pretty good with owning up where I fucked up as a parent but I struggle with the not being judgmental to myself and deal with shame and guilt (which folks I can tell you staying in that mind set can become a self fulfilling prophecy of just doing what you did wrong in the first place by telling yourself you're a bad parent for even getting to that point)
Thank you, Patrick! My favorite quote, "We can boil childhood trauma down to two things:
1. Disconnection
2. Abuse around our perception"
Threatened by emotions was my entire childhood, from both my parents. I was trained to never cry, no matter how upset I was, because I was told that my own emotional response to hours of shaming was actually a manipulation tactic. I still struggle with crying.
it's a fine line you can't teach kids (especially men) that it's okay to just react however you want you have to teach them to control it, but you can't be so restrictive where they just shut down emotionally.
Everything Patrick teaches is life changing.
But in what way exactly? How knowing that my parents were toxic actually helps my current life? I mean - I know that this is helping others but to me, it only made me realize how fucked up I am and that I have a long way to go. So long that I actually don't want to go. I have no energy and see that, at the end of it, there's just a mediocre, shtty life.
@@kubaszymkowiak I think it helps to identify that the glitches we encounter now are in large part a result of early programming and allow us to make adjustments. Separating and individuating from the enmeshment while giving ourselves grace. Something like that....
I know Patrick has good intentions but no parent can NOT fail their kid in some way, and I think considering them toxic when they may have been doing the best they could, well, it didn't help me to judge them or resent them or shake my finger in their faces. For one, they are both dead. For another, my parents were of a generation that KNEW their kid would suffer social ostracism if they chatted on about how their relatives were in prison, or raving drunks, etc.
Truthfully, Patrick is better than the shrink I saw in my mid 20s. Patrick engages with his viewers. 🤩😍
@@kubaszymkowiak I'll admit that it takes willpower and drive, yet the work does work; a better life is better than no life.
"Their emotions are wrong or too much for other" hit like a train. I subdue so much of what I'm feeling because it historically is not the right response. Hearing "you're too sensitive" really does a number on you. Being told to stop crying because it's not that serious. "Just get over it." Uhg it puts my stomach in knots just thinking about it.
I was told I was too sensitive over and over again once my stepfather came in the scene when I was 11. He teased me mercilessly. Literally said I “had buns like a nigger but ten times bigger” racist asshole! Also called me “pizza face” and “spotty” when I got teenage acne. Another great one is “Don’t be the town bicycle”. In other words don’t be a slut! Then when I talk to mom or anyone really about how he hurts my feelings I’m told I have no sense of humor and need to stop being so overly sensitive. Such BS.
I make a good living as an artist and I am highly empathic. My friends and loved ones tell me sensitivity is my best quality - a gift that makes me me. We gotta Throw out those value judgments they imposed on us and see our sensitivity as the blessing that make us who we are.
I'm just now learning to reparent my inner child. When I have a feeling I say "It's okay you feel this way" and it hits so hard 💔😭
Yiiiiikes. I didn’t realize character assassinating the other parent is abusive to the child. Thank you for pointing it out. My parents did this both constantly by attributing any “negative trait” they imagine of me to the other parent by saying “you got this stupidness or ugliness from your mom or dad”. It’s maddening or sick .
I think it goes the other way around too, so the child demonising one parent to the rest of the family
yeah i get "you and your dad just procrastinate! you're procrastinators!!! you're the biggest procrastinators i've ever met!!!!" at least 2x a month but i don't even live at HOME anymore!
Watching a parent belittle your other parent messes you up good. I spent my entire childhood watching my father relentlessly mock my mother whenever she experienced strong emotions, and I’m now afraid of showing emotion because all I can think of is how much my dad looks down on it.
Same! My mom does this from time to time. She will sometimes say "you are a narcissist like your father" because i like to tease my siblings or that he is manipulative. Even though he is a pretty good dad. And i just dont know what to belive.
Yeah. My parents character assassinate me (the scapegoat who finally escaped) and my Oma (Mum's mum) - the only supportive adult we ever had - to my younger sisters. They can see through it, fortunately, but it effing hurts.
Three situations stick in my mind:
One of many times my parents split up, my mom packed a few bags and took my sister and me (along with mom) to stay with an aunt. As we set out, I began sniffling. She immediately shot her eyes at me saying something like, don't even start that crying.
Another time, after I was chased down, pinned down, and nearly sexually assaulted, I told on the perpetrators and my mom had to be called home from work. She told me I had no business being in the same place with those boys. It was literally across the street from our place and next door to my grandparents' home--AND I was lured!
The third was at my 8th grade graduation; After the ceremony we were all in the girls bathroom saying our last goodbyes and I was in tears. My mom retorted, what are you crying for?
Some 40 years later, I still hide my emotions from others. I try not to hide them from my husband, but it's still a struggle.
I’m sorry you weren’t validated as a small babe. That sounds really scary & alienating & you never should have gone thru the experience of minimizing emotions. Your feelings are your antenna
I’m sorry that you had to endure that. I was raised the same way. I’m 58 and it’s still hard.
It’s so hard. I’m sorry that happened. It wasn’t right at all. Your instincts about ALL of that were real…and totally appropriate. The way we were trained to think our reality was wrong or shameful is so damaging. I’m finally getting to know myself after 43 years of life… It’s hard to unlearn all of the things they taught me but I’m amazingly resilient and smart and strong. I can do this! And I’m really enjoying getting to know the person I truly am. Her road has been long and difficult but she’s here now and I’m going to respect everything it took to get her here snd help as best I can. She’s gonna be ok though. Just look at her! She’s gonna be just fine. 🤍 You got this, too. You’re not alone. Others have gone through a similar experience. Thank you for sharing yours. It really helps.
♥️
@@beachgirl8420 😩😭😭😭😭🤕
I can crystallize the struggle in my childhood being my mothers inability to deal with her anger. She was rage filled but silent. She would withdraw...for days. Physically present, I was always fed and cared for, but I lived on eggshells because I thought I had done something wrong. It was only when i met a few three and four and five year olds as a grown woman and witnessed their vulnerability and trust and perceptiveness that i realized how very confusing and painful it was.. I've spent a lifetime reading people in a hyperfocused kind of way, and being paralyzed by anyone's anger....including my own. "Abuse around the perception of how you see yourself"
I sometimes see my responses as a parent highlighted in your videos. I automatically defend myself in my mind, but I am glad you talk me through it and teach me new ways to interact with and validate my daughter. My goal is to end generational trauma, so I regularly fall into my automatic responses that are mirrored by my toxic relationship with my mom. I’m glad you help me face reality AND provide solutions. I am so thankful for you!
It is so refreshing to see someone be honest about their own issues with parenting. I read a LOT of parenting books and went through a lot of therapy to "ensure" that I would be a better parent than my own parents, however, I would be completely lying to myself if I said I completely escaped the cycle. I noticed I have the tendency to be a wholly permissive parent for fear that I'm going to abuse my child. I also have a really hard time when my child gets very emotional. I work on myself constantly and I try to find some solace in that, but gosh it is just so nice to hear from another parent that they are being real with themselves. Keep fighting the good fight, and know how much I respect you for being honest and addressing your own parental issues!
Generational trauma. My trauma was very covert and all done "with the best of intentions". I struggle daily with trying to figure out if I imagined some of it. I no longer talk to any of my siblings. I thought by getting away from them that my kids would have a better chance but now they have to deal with my depression. My mother was taught to ignore emotional pain and with that goes no communication. I will NEVER stop trying for my kids. I'm 56 and I still hate myself. Nothing will ever change with my family. They will never hear me so I have to change myself. Idk what the hell happened. Strangely enough I finally moved out ( way past time) not one of my family has been invited over and I have this sense of peace and calm here.
@@HeyJudie I admire you for being so aware and trying so hard. I too struggle with parenting. I've had depression since about 12. My daughter is suffering from it also. I just got her an appointment to speak to a therapist only now she doesn't want to go. I have to encourage her to try. It breaks my heart because I'm the one that gave her depression. My two kids are the only people in my life. Why can't I be the mom I want to be? 💜
Thank you for making a difference!
@@nancyayotte2297, definition of depression is to be aware of something in oneself or one's situation but incapable of accepting it. Or unwilling. Or not yet ready. Depression is better than anxiety, for in anxiety a person desires to or feels pressured to be unaware of some thing in reality. Depression is like a need to use the toilet. There is sadness that needs to come out. Sometimes it just needs a permission to exist.
My dad would literally get mad at me if I started to cry or show emotion after he abused me or If he did something wrong. It’s so messed up. Thank you Patrick you are really helping me alot with your videos.
This happened to me too. Mine emailed me and said to not sob around in the house. And forced me to laugh so he could joke away what he did
Yeah mine too. I had to go to the bathroom and fill up the tub and while the water was filling it up I would cry. For politeness, lol.
'Takes kids to lover's house and the kids play' ... I had no idea this happened to other people too. I can't believe that other parents would do this. It's absolutely stunning.
Can you tell something more about it? Like... did you understand what was really going on or was it just an "overall strange behaviour/circumstances"? Did you feel neglected in that situation?
My mother and my future stepfather had sex in the same room as me when I was 9 years old. We lived in a studio, they thought I was asleep. I wasn't. And I was terrified.
I was made to babysit them
My brother and I were forced to be emissaries who had to deliver notes & gifts to her adulterous flings, usually at their workplaces. There was a new one every 2 months.
In my case the couple didn't have kids, but we constantly went over there to stay (also grew up in extreme christianity where other church members were treated as aunts and uncles- as in we literally called them that). I didn't see my mum and the man interacting but it's truly disgusting that she did that. And I remember right after my mum confessed the affair, the last time we visited, the man and his wife acted super lovey-dovey in front of us to try and make it seem like everything was ok.
Not acknowledging. My mom completely “forgetting” me telling her I was sexually assaulted or that I had attempted suicide.
❤️
Parents love to change history or have a selective memory.
Divorce her. No to low contact. She would have to be so screwed up to repress that information and not act on it. I would have wanted to kill whoever assaulted you.
Its so fucked up that my reaction to reading this was "up top!" As if to high five this being relatable... fk
"Many trauma survivors are criticized on adult levels (as children) without getting any help from their parents." So true.
I believe that bullying can be consider childhood trauma and can affect adult life. Also the bully is usually being abused by their parents. Being abused by a peer or several peers on a daily can cause depression, isolation low grades lack of trust in adults or authority because they do nothing or little to stop it.
It's like clipping a bird's wings, and then blaming it for not being able to fly.
wow Patrick! I was CHILLED while listening to this video... I was ADOPTED & I noticed my DADS Affair behaviors and was the one who Informed their BIOLOGICAL daughter!! ... I had NO IDEA MOTHER KNEW for years!!
That was 30 years ago, I'm SURE you can GUESS where I STAND WITHIN the family! ... I have NEVER been treated like a Family member SINCE! THIS is PAINFUL STUFF! I just saw my mother after 12 years and I am an artist, she had ZERO INTEREST in ME.. NEVER ASKED about my new to her, ART CAREER! It was BITTERSWEET! THAT WAS 6 days ago and I have heard NOTHING from her. But she is "mom"
THANK YOU for all you do!
"Rage in reserve from not getting guidance or having a respectable parent." THIS. 🙏😭
The imposter syndrome, the surprise at getting picked for the team, the shame and difficulties making my own independent decisions… I have been successful, I know I am capable, but I am currently in a space where I am just completely shut down. I feel like a dead battery. I am attending therapy and on new SSRI as well as a stimulant for ADHD, but I still just….there is a chain tied to me somewhere in my brain that holds me back from transitioning from thought to action and the world around me and even my very-much-attempting-to-understand support network sees me as lazy and I understand why it looks that way. But I am literally trying, it’s just that trying is happening in an invisible space. And I feel like despite my efforts, perhaps I’m not getting the right therapy, perhaps I’m not explaining my experience well enough to be helped down the correct path to healing or healthier coping…because I keep finding myself in this cycle and at 33 I would really really REALLY like to see my efforts pay off and help me build some long term stability.
Basically what should I be asking for in therapy to ensure I am receiving the correct care for me. I’m exhausted.
@Denise I've been exhausted too! If interested, check out Jay Reid on UA-cam. I have found both Patrick's & Jay's work have helped me heal the most!
I am wondering if you are shut down because you were powerless in childhood to change anything that happened. Things happened to you. Now as an adult you go on letting them happen to you because you don't know how to change the dynamic. As a kid if you had tried to change anything you probably would not have succeeded. It has to be scary to be responsible for change after being powerless for so long. Fear of failure and risk taking are possible areas to explore with a therapist. Small increments of change. A support system for steps backward to be understood as part of life and not failures.
I can sense your strength. Just putting a request for advice out there is a strength and a step in the direction of change.
@@nancybartley4425 because of my trauma my therapist told me I was an adult seeing things especially my abusive father as a child. He help me to see things as an adult and not emotionally and psychologically as the child in me who is damaged. It took a lot of work and was emotionally draining because he pulled out a lot of memories I had chosen to stuff deep within that was very painful. After that he started showing me how to look at things as an adult and not look at things as a abused child.
@@xxxx4726 +1 for Jay. That guy is awesome.
I know that Patrick has covered Inner Child work. Have you gone to that inner source? There are inner child channels that only focus on this valuable insight. Myself I stopped therapy when I stopped growing. Maybe take a break and reevaluate your needs. Maybe find another therapist...for new insight into you? Just don't stop cold with your current therapy...exiting properly is important. Best Wishes.
My father died when I was 6. I look like him. My mother would say horrible things to me about my face making her feel bad because I look like him. It was heartbreaking. She didn’t allow any emotions that didn’t match hers
My narc mother never believed that someday I'll put the dots together and figure everything out and I did and am proud of myself for escaping and removing this people from my life
The trauma a child goes through, often times the child doesn’t realize how that trauma affects behavior and thinking because trauma affects a child’s self-concept
So true... When i tried to talk about it with my mum, she said that everyone is responsible for their own happiness and life success. She refused to even consider her impact on my life.
Absolutely. And yes, they don't consider or care what they did to us often times. My mother only thought of herself as a good mother. Her abuse long forgotten. My stepfather defends her abuse to this day. I'm so alone. No one understand. My PD brother who grew up in the same nightmare has such a twisted mind now.
Well said!
@@knit1purl1 I am so sorry for the abuse that you experienced. I can so relate. My father was extremely abusive including sexually abusive. I am now 78 years old and learn to forgive after finding out he and his two sisters also suffered abuse from his father. It wasn’t until how much I understood how my heavenly father created me as his child. My heavenly father has been so very loving and forgiving of me and has given me much peace in him
Oh gosh I remember those first therapy sessions and me going "What?! Why are you so sad? What do you MEAN that's not normal?!"
I am SO DETERMINED that my little guy is going to grow up happy and healthy. I work on my childhood trauma feelings/issues all the time, and I work on my parenting skills regularly. I had an alcoholic NPD father and a BPD mother. I am no contact with them both. I tell my kiddo everyday that I'm proud of him. I praise him when he tries something new. I encourage his interests. I always make sure he knows I'm happy to see him. I listen when he talks. I want him to be confident and I am determined not to fuck him up the way I was.
How brilliant xxx
You're gonna screw up still, because there's no one size fits all way to raise a kid. So the most important thing is to be able to recognize when you mess up. Let your kid know that they can express when you hurt them and why, and learn to recognize when these feelings are valid and take criticism. You need to know how to apologize. This is the most important thing. If my parents could recognize their mistakes I would be able to forgive them.
Growing up when toxic positivity was the norm, there was a lot of "Stop complaining. There are children in Africa who would love to be in your position." In hindsight I think my mother was very dismissive around my discomfort. While learning to wash my hands, I would say the water's too hot, she would feel it and say "No it's not," and expect me to continue even though my hands would sting. I grew to hate washing dishes because touching the big soggy food remnants would gross me out. I even remember suggesting I wear gloves and my mother saying "You don't need gloves. Toughen up." Though this could be considered gaslighting, this was also amidst the "threatened by child emotions." My mother would become hypersensitive if I got angry at her, becoming passive aggressive or downplaying a situation. In the end it became "All negative emotions are bad" until I got into college.
One way toxic positivity was spread later directly led me to how to begin to undo this trauma. When I was in junior high, an email my grandmother shared (a classic 2000's copypasta type thing) told a story of how a person's mentality could be represented by two fighting wolves. The white wolf would represent joy, trust, kindness, and all 'positive' emotions. The black wolf would represent anger, fear, despair, and all 'negative' emotions. The wolf that wins the battle is the one you feed. I took this to heart and tried to always let the white wolf win, meaning I would bottle up my emotions and rarely release them. It was only after college, while I was mentally reflecting that it hit me. It's not about winning or losing. Both these wolves are part of the 'self' and I'd been denying one side for so many years. The side that tried to look out for my best interest. The side that valued ourselves. The side that told me to stand up for myself and to fight for what I want. It was such an important piece of me that I starved for far too long. I still maintain a healthy balance, but I no longer have to be a pushover and constantly hold my tongue. I feel confident on who I have become, and that's what matters most.
I've experienced so many of these examples...
I think the worse part is how long it has taken me to realise my childhood was abusive. There was no physical or extreme sexual violence but the level of neglect was so high. My mum did nothing when I said her boyfriend was being inappropriate, coming home from after school class in the dark, alone, no phone to call my mum to collect me. My mum looking bored and tired if I dared to talk about my day, interests or ask life questions. Her not caring at all about my education, work, me being bullied by my sibling, being depressed, having alcohol issues. It's so sad others go through this. I feel like I'll never get over it.
Talking like you are is helpful. Checking out The Body Knows the Score by Bessel van der Kolk which includes things to do do to relearn and reregulate after childhood trauma. I think it is a lot like grief work. The size of it may not get smaller but you build a bigger life around it. For me, I cherish all the simple good things, like now the spring flowers and trees etc, and remind myself that I can enjoy beauty. You are worthy of finding your tribe of people who will love and cherish you.
It took me a long time to figure it out too because i was gaslit every time I tried to bring up a dynamic in our home that was not okay. I was always told I was too sensitive, too dramatic, or making a big deal out of nothing. I am just lately realizing as an adult that yes I was right. My sibling WAS actually being abusive, my father was extremely passive aggressive and my mother swept everything stressful under the rug.
A year after discovering what my mothers been doing behind her attentive actions, it hit me like a ton of bricks! I was so horrified i had to break any contact and ask them not to contact me. I talked about it with them and my dad defended my mum like he knew. He doesnt know, even if he does, he says things like "oh no one is a perfect parent. Mum will pay for you to get therapy. Your emotions are too big for you, shes trying to help you so you dont get overwhelmed. She loves you. She has compassion for you." If only he knew. If only they all could see it. Theyve all worsened with age and got more narcissistic, of about 4 different types. Im scapegoated for others and i just couldnt do it anymore. Its been a good year and im still struggling daily to not think about how awful i find them and abusive. Ive had to re wire my beliefs, my thinking, my realising and do better and be better with my kids. Its hard work knowing the grief is still there. Do your best for yourself and your relationships with others will get better.
My abuse was all very mild and typical, so it's honestly surprising how quickly I realized it was abuse. I think I started realizing when I was about 13 and after my mom died and I realized how much happier I was, I fully realized it.
It was just minor things like spanking, occasional emotional outbursts from my mom, minor isolation (I could talk to people but only really people in my family and people online because no kids lived nearby and I lived far from any town or city and didn't go to school) and worst of all educational neglect. It sounds pretty bad writing it all down here but honest to god, as concerning as it is, it was an environment that most people grow in aside from the improper schooling. And that's sad to me. Most people are abused and never realize it.
My parent flat out told me I wasn't smart enough to study this or that. I now have my MBA; though I wonder about my own motives to attain it. 😮
My mom didn't acknowledge racial profiling and said that New Yorkers are known for having bad attitudes, so I should know what to expect when I walk in the store.
I really Hate When someone stands over my shoulder while I'm making my transactions and keying in my pin, but if I speak up about it, no matter how nicely I put it, I will be viewed as an angry black girl who's overreacting.
Yes, she acknowledged that This happens often and I should deal with it because she's tired of me telling her about it.
Tbh, it hurts me. It hurts my feelings. It's like saying that I lack a sense of style, that I'm worthless, dishonest, and that I appear to look hopeless and destitute.
It's degrading and I hate it.
But she's just so mean spirited.
I was doing my homework at the last minute, and a few days later, she bought up me setting myself up for failure and how I can't work and go to school. How I will have no times to study. How I rushed into school and didn't plan.
Like, it's all so pessimistic.
I'm tired of her too.
I'm really tired of so many people viewing me as if I'm not worthy of respect.
Not acknowledging reality was huge in my family. In an mlm, there is no acknowledging reality. You must stay positive, even when evrything is failing around you. No sadness. No anger. No facing facts.
It is so validating that I found this channel. My mother struggled with mental illness and drugs. The best way to describe my dad is paldin-like.
Growing up, my mother & her friends brutally assassinated my father's character.
I grew being told I was excluded from family activities with my mother because I was too much like my father. Almost every day, I was told my major flaw was being like my father.
And I did not understand what they even meant.
It wasn't until I was older that I realized they meant he was a law-abiding citizen 😂 he was selfless and spoke out against wrongdoing.
But they wanted me to condone their dysfunction so as a super sensitive person who didn't like hurting others, I was berated.
When I try to explain this to other people, they don't get it. They say it is hard to believe that the kids were manipulated to that extent. But we were.
Thank you.❤
Wow #4 hit home. When I had big emotions my parents used to send me to my room until I was “happy”. This just taught me that my emotions were too much, that I needed to push all my emotions down and not feel them or process them. I get triggered as my mum still shares this with me as a golden parenting moment! She thinks she did the right thing and I should be doing it with my daughter. Hell no! I’m going to let my daughter feel her emotions and I’m going to help her process them. Not send her to her room to manage them herself. Thank you so much for your videos! I’ve just found you and it has been so eye opening, validating and helpful!
You are strong. You can break the cycle.
I was invisible and shamed and I’m sad because I’m 53 and just now figuring it out … so many years wasted Thank you your messages smack me into reality I’m amazing It feels good saying that 😘
I feel for you. I'm 52 and trying to figure things out.
Also 52 and still peeling away those onion layers. Gen X kids got a raw deal. Lots of broken homes, selfish parents, being alone, etc.
54 and only just finding this stuff out. Does seem like wasted years but maybe now is when we can start to accept it and act on what we now know. Maybe now is just the right time.
My parents often repeated that line "children are to be seen and not heard." I think it was very damaging to developing my sense of self. Like I existed only to make them and other adults happy at my own expense. I still struggle with thinking for myself and knowing how I actually think or feel about something. I got so used to just diverting to my parents for the "right" answer, and shutting down any of my own thoughts/feelings. To this day, when people ask what I think or how I feel, my mind goes blank. This has made therapy a struggle, but I'm giving it a try again after many failed attempts.
My therapist notices how greatly ive been improving, i tell her that watching your channel really helps.
Wasn't that the therapist's job?
I finally realized that therapy was a waste of my time. However, seeing someone once a week for 50 minutes, someone who may not have a clue how to help you or even differentiate you from other clients, who listens and gives very little input is just not the optimal condition for recovery. Those of us who have realized something is wrong with us need more support than 50 minutes a week can provide. There are so many great people on youtube that we can access for getting the fundamental education in the background of childhood trauma. My various therapists never mentioned attachment theory, toxic families, personality disorders, emotional neglect. They never pointed out to me that my childhood was less than normal. We need an education. Someone with diabetes needs to understand a lot about physiology if he expects to live with the disease in the best way possible.
Besides giving us the psychological education we need to address our issues, youTube also provides us with support from those leaving comments. It helps to hear all the ways others have experienced and then learned to cope with childhood trauma. UA-cam is there 24/7 for you. You therapist isn't.
I am not saying that therapists are bad. I am saying the paradigm for help (50 minutes one a week) is terribly inadequate for meeting the needs of people. It would behoove the psychological community to look at UA-cam in conjunction with weekly therapy as a paradigm shift that needs to occur. When I have mentioned therapists/coaches like Jay Reid, Patrick, the Crappy Childhood Fairy, my therapist doesn't have a clue who I'm talking about.
@15:30 Yes! Plus, we could express many emotions, but not really anger. Then they arbitrarily took something away from me that i had earned independently, (over a period of weeks), and gave it to the golden child, then said, "That's final! I don't want to hear anymore about it."
So i just shut up, went to my room, and avoided the golden child for the next 5 years, until i left home. They know that you're furious, but think that you'll just get over it, in a week or two. In truth, it made me feel violated and robbed, increased my resentment of the golden child, and largely destroyed my trust in that parent, but i was told not to bring it up again, so i didn't.
Thank you for mentioning your 10 year old not hanging his towel up despite constant reminders for years. My son (same age) has similar issues....I wasn't sure if it was something seriously wrong with him, or something seriously wrong with my parenting. Apparently it's just normal! When you grow up in an abusive home, it's hard to have any idea what "normal" child behavior is.
Normal operating child confirmed.
If you keep in mind that kids are practicing 1000 different skills everyday to eventually become functional people, it becomes a little easier to accept the mistakes and the mess.
We don't even develop the main judgement/decision-making part of our brain until after 18.
Dude, my husband still does that stuff, lol. It never ends.
@@KD-ou2np that's a beautiful point. Thank you for sharing that.
As a parent one thing I’ve had to work on, that I didn’t realize I had trauma around is showing excited/ happy emotions - I was always yelled at if I got too excited, my instinct/ survival brain always wants to stifle the excitement (make it quiet) out of fear of my own dad. But I do well when I mentally remind myself “I’m the parent. We get to be excited in my family”
My thing as a parent is that I would really love to hear from my adult children how they perceived me as a parent and how I came across to them in terms of emotional things. Its something we dont really like to ask our kids, maybe we are afraid of what they would answer, but also that they may have great difficulty in expressing how they felt as children, especially if it were negative about us. Does anyone else feel this way or is it just me ?
Can you do a video about the physical toll of growing up with dysfunction and toxicity? Like holding breath, deep sighing, clenching muscles, fight or flight constantly on, teeth grinding/ clenching, ect.. and what to do to help relieve these things as an adult.
I find Fascial Counterstrain Therapy helpful for treating my chronic pain, tension, and other symptoms related to a lifetime of stress, plus some other conditions and old injuries. It's a gentle, hands-on type of physical therapy I get from a licensed physical therapist I was referred to by my primary care provider and my health insurance (a Medicaid HMO) covers it. The SNRI Duloxetine also helps with my managing chronic pain, and is commonly prescribed for fibromyalgia.
13:45 I resonate with the "canary in the coal mine" analogy. I remember one time when my father was launching objects down the hallway during an argument with my mom. I hid in the bedroom at one end of the hallway with the family pets. My mom was at the other end continuing to yell and argue with him. Later I asked her if she was scared for my safety; I knew that if I hadn't timed it right, I would have been hit by the flying objects. She looked surprised and said, no, she hadn't thought about me. She was only worried for her own safety.
Wow. 7 for 7. I do wanna touch on one statement from #5, the unnecessary power struggle, about the double standard abusive people have when they talk about “respect.”
There are two kinds of respect: treating someone like an authority figure, and treating them like a human being. And they are always using the first one for themselves and the second one for the abused family member.
“If you don’t respect me I won’t respect you” = “if you don’t treat me like the ultimate authority, I won’t even treat you like a person.”
Ouch, okay. I do have a bad habit of telling my son I’m not mad when I’ve just clearly shown I’m frustrated 🤦🏻♀️ I reckon I actually mean “Hey I’m not mad at you, you’ve done nothing wrong, this is a me thing” but it definitely comes out wrong more than I’d like so I’d better pay attention to that.
Me too. That was a great point of reflection for me as a mom.
What do you think about saying, "I'm not mad, I'm just frustrated "?
“All abuse is about power.” You speak the truth Patrick. You’re amazing. I just finished watching the tv series roots. I watched it when I was ten and it opened my eyes as a child. Thank you for what you do.
I just discovered this channel, and it's been monumental for me. #4 in this got me good. I was such an anxious and fearful child and would tell my mom about scary intrusive thoughts and she would get so upset - it was always, "Oh not this again, aren't we over this?" or, "The doctors already said it's because of your asthma," etc. etc. Never comfort or understanding. Not yelling either, just impatience and blowing it off. I always wondered why. Thank you for explaining this to me!!!
"When you're scared of the abusive step-parent and your parent is abusive around your fear, it might be that you are kind of the canary in the coal mine of the whole situation, and they don't like that." 100% 💔
This just makes me realize how hard I've been working to make sure I'm not my mother.
You ain't her 👍
WOW. So many of these resonated with me. I always bragged that I was brought up in the perfect family, but there were many things that were "off" at home. I am autistic as well (undiagnoseduntil my mid forties), so that added a whole other dimension to what was going on. There was no physical abuse, but I think emotional neglect and denial of reality played a huge part in my childhood, as well as having one parent relatively passive (dad) and the other passive-aggressive (mom). I cut my wrists at age 12 or 13 (self harm rather than suicide); when my mom finally noticed and asked I told her that I fell on the track at school. She accepted that story without any more questions despite the obvious fact that the cuts were in the wrong direction. She would also steal my stuff, going through my room when I was not there and then not saying anything about it. It was up to me to notice and asking about it was implicitly out of the question. Anything she didn't like would disappear from my room without explanation. It was not a two way "you don't respect my stuff, so I don't respect yours," but just a complete lack of respect for not only my stuff, but of my privacy and my person. She is still like that even though I am an adult. I moved back in with her for 3 years to help take care of my dad before he died and she still went through my stuff and stole from me whatever she didn't like. Talk about developing trust issues! I did seriously think that this behavior was just her. Though I'm not sure it makes me feel any better knowing that others had to deal with that kind of BS. The lack of teaching life skills and then being criticized for not knowing things was also a big deal.. Other things resonated as well, but this comment is too long already, and those were the big ones
Patrick, you're a treasure trove of empathy and wisdom. It just occurred to me recently that introverted kids who listen and think deeply, if stuck with parents who dismiss, ignore, and berate, become adults who chronically find themselves in relationships where they're talked over, talked down to, not heard, and even overtly abused.
This is my story. Exactly.
This! ☝🏻🥺
I was raised by my grandparents and my parents never loved me. My mom had two other families she abandoned before having my brother and I and my dad just ignored me entirely. When my mom was actually around, she played really obvious favorites and called me fat. She started putting me on diets in the 1st grade and was always comparing me to my older sister. My dad was either yelling at us or smacking us around. When I would see them, my mom would say things like "I never should have had kids with your father" and was extremely jealous of my grandparents because we loved them. Years later, I was in therapy and told my shrink that my parents didn't love me. She told me that I was probably right and I was just floored.
Thank you, because I had very broken parents and only now I realise I don't know how to treat my son other than what I was treated. Being aware is not enough, I need to be taught.
I really struggle with change. And imposter syndrome.
Definitely was underparented. I am reparenting myself. I got myself.
Thank you for this! You continue to help me see where I can heal.
Very good info. As a mom I noticed that I cannot stand my child whining or talking too much. I remember my mother always telling me to be quiet, pushing me away when I tried to show love and being checked out. I noticed that I started to act like my mom in regards to my child talking. I would get annoyed at the constant yapping and ask my child to have quiet time or I would check out. I am currently working on changing this and finding healthy alternatives to being present and changing my thoughts on how I feel when my daughter wants to talk to me. As silly as it sounds I was raised that children are not to be heard and have unfortunately continued that philosophy. I would love to have something on this so I can work on it while she is still young.
I loathed the feeling of having to be seen not heard, yet I felt the same about kids as I got older. At some point I realized how harmful that paradigm is and how crazy it is to expect kids to just become healthy, well adjusted members of society without lots of parental/ adult interaction and mentorship. I’m not maternal and not even a kid person, but I tell myself “kids are important”. It seems crazy that at 40 that is a revelation to me, but saying it to myself helps improve my patience when interacting with kids.
Yessss same
Now, full disclosure: I am working through my CPTSD currently, so perhaps my view isn't healthy or correct. But I see quiet time as quite a positive thing, in my mind I'm showing my child that I have a need and that by prioritising it, it means that I feel better able to cope with the rest of my day. I know that if I don't have a quiet hour in the afternoon I'm unlikely to be able to make it to bedtime still in control of my emotions or crying from exhaustion. I try to make it clear that it's because my body needs a rest, rather than it being because of the child.
I have no idea if this is okay or not - I think that's the thing I hate most about CPTSD, it's like trying to build a house on unstable ground, with no blueprint. I constantly doubt myself and my parenting choices.
a lot of us were raised that way. it's good you've become aware of this, and to be fair I love the crap out of my kids but sometimes I have to remind myself to be present, so its not like you are alone, I think a lot of parents have this struggle
@@kiiabbyI think asking for quiet time isn't bad. Parents ask for quiet time if a younger child needs to take a nap. Just give your kid something to do like coloring. Or something creative like drawing you quietly while you're sleeping like I've seen some parents do recently lol
I guess the fact your videos are starting to make me cry when I used to be pretty numb to the insights is a sign of progress. It's never not heartbreaking :(
Going through this too. Recently I’ve been deeply feeling so many negative emotions. But I used to feel nothing. So yes, I guess thats progress. Healing hurts more than abuse sometimes.
Is there a parenting pattern for parents who can’t be told they’re wrong? My mum would flip out over the smallest things/ try and get compliments from us by saying she’s fat/ get sympathy when she said she had no money even though she did it herself, and then when we told her (in a nice way) that she’s wrong or we couldn’t help her out we’d be immediately guilt tripped/ blamed - so we weren’t allowed to have any emotions. There was only room in the house for her feelings. I still struggle with opening up to this day.
You might relate to one of the narcissistic parent role plays on this channel. Sounds similar to one of the ones I've watched, before, but I can't remember which one to link it.
Listening intently, watching casually, noticed and want to say - as an irrelevant aside - how well-matched (and made) your shirt is. Nice aesthetic.
A huge part of abuse is controlling the narrative of the past. Guilt alleviation. Also, you are rewarded with love and attention based on your adherence to this historical remake. I would say 'gaslighting' but it is so steeped in mistruth, it's almost 'augmented reality'.
I'd like to add also, never admitting to being wrong, or not believing the child. My most prominent example of this is when I was eleven, my sister got us a bunny, and it was my responsibility to take care of it. So being a determined youngster, I did my research, and found a bunch of info on having a pet rabbit, and my parents just scoffed at me and refused to believe the info I shared with them. Then I tried keeping the bunny according to my research, but they yelled at me and did things their way. Then they did an ounce of research, realized I was right, but just refused to admit it, and from then on, any adjustments I believed the rabbit needed for a better quality of life were waved off, and they just said I had no idea what I was talking about.
I sat down with my mom at, like, 7 years old and talked about how uncomfortable I was in my dad's parents house. At the time, I rationalized it because I understood that my grandparents only saw my family once every two years because we lived in another country, but what I didn't know was that I was picking up on the abuse my dad had gone through at my grandpa's hand. It wasn't until I was an adult that my dad told me anything about the abuse, both physical and emotional, that he suffered as a child and hearing what you said about parents denying reality is really hitting home right now.
Congratulations Mom and Dad, you hit them all 🎉
This has all been so confusing. And I can't tell what's real and what's not. What's serious and what's not.
My entire childhood has been drawn into question and I felt so much internal conflict over the decisions I've made.
Hearing you, sadly, is like someone was there when I was a kid.
You have been profoundly validating. And I'm stronger and more determined every day that this BS absolutely ends. In every way.
What I've tolerated my entire life, I'm a middle aged person, is done, is over.
Sweeping 50 years and insult after insult after final insult under the rug. IS DONE!
I'm so angry about it that I'm done.
I liberated myself from someone who would destroy me rather than love me.
You bring it all to their doorstep. 💚
Thank you for being the voice none of us had.
I am polish but thank you for publicly acknowledging situation that is currently happening near polish border - In Ukraine. Lot of people from US seem to be uninterested and not do not treat this issue seriously. It seems to be far a way in the terms of geographic distance but the consequence of this situation would be much bigger than people usually can imagine, So the awareness and empathy is very important. Thank you! And thank you for your job!
Slava Ukraini!
I am aware, and the great help Poland gas given to Ukraine. You are holding the front lines of Democracy and humanity..like 1921. Brave and compassionate
@@merriferrell2818 😂
Watching this as I'm 20 weeks pregnant, I think it's so important for parents to educate themselves about this! Thank you.
When I was around 7-8 years old, I was terrified of thunderstorms, especially in the middle of the night. I would hear the lightning crackle in the sky & I would wake up, frightened, & naturally I would jump out of bed, running as fast as I could to my parent’s bedroom, seeking comfort and safety.
Instead, I was always forbidden from getting in bed with them. I would have to lay on the floor at the foot of their bed, alone, with my blanket & sleep there. They would never get out of bed to make sure I was ok. In the morning they would just step over me like a log. Never once did I get a hug or any reassurance from either of them. My fears were totally dismissed. This happened for a couple years. It wasn’t until a few years ago that I realized this is NOT GOOD PARENTING and is abusive. I still wonder how my parents could just let me sleep on the floor at the foot of their bed, instead of comforting me. Wouldn’t their conscious at least bother them a little? I’m still to this day not sure why I was never allowed to ever get in their bed.
I literally have been struggling with hearing about some of these toxic traits that have been exhibited in my family, and know how they have affected me. Now as an adult I struggle with consistency, imposter syndrome, anxiety, difficulty making my own independent decisions without feeling deep guilt and shame about them. This helped so much, I wish I could get help with navigating the result of these trauma's as an adult
Tapowa, it seems that you already have a good understanding of yourself. This is half the battle! Private therapy is only as good as the therapist. Finding the right one for you
can change your life. It's all about self observation and connecting the dots to past feelings from childhood. You can do it.
I am 54 and have only recently cut myelf off from my parent. Nothing I said or did over the years brought them any closer to understanding what they had done to me. As well as seeing a regular therapist I saw and EMDR practicioner and also practice EFT by myself. Brad Yates is an EFT hero and has a channel here. I don't think I'll every be the same as someone who was raised without chaos and in a loving home, but I'll be damned if those people's legacy is going to bring me down. Best of luck to you luv, you deserve the best life you can make for yourself.
@@SpacecatMoonbeam 👏 👏
Patrick. You helped to save my life. I’m also going back to school to become a therapist after the likes of yourself, your mentor, Tim Fletcher, and Anna Runkle. Thank you for sharing your gift! Maybe we could work together some day in the future. 🖤🤗
Wow, a lot to process as a "child" and parent. I love how Patrick inserts his own story into the discussion, we know he's dealing with this stuff too.
While I was raising my kids I always tried to treat them how I would want to be treated and know I failed often because of my childhood trauma, but I continued to keep trying and to be present for them. As a grandma I am more patient, which I know helps.
I’m glad you can be aware of this. I also had my childhood trauma where my mom being a borderline personality disorder tried to home wreck someone else’s home and blame the home she was home wrecking in the wife being jealous. I know, that is BPD for you.
It affected me because I ended up rebounding with a guy who’s parents tried to be together “for convenience”. Though let’s take a look at my rebound, I was a relationship addict that lead to many learning experiences. But the guy I rebounded, never cleaned, nor bought food and allowed myself to be influenced because I had such poor boundaries, he ended up moving in with me after a month. After six months of dating, when he paid the rent, I kept it and kicked him out. However, it was getting raped that got me into therapy and now the best version of myself, where I look back and can say man. That was a bit of a bumpy ride. I’m happy it’s super smooth now I’m self sufficient.
@@ThatGmoney Wow! Thanks for sharing. Those are really tough situations, so glad you were brave enough to kick him out. I'm so happy things are better for you now! Peace and hugs to you. 💕💕
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As a parent of an 18 month old, I am studying this not so much to learn about my own childhood, which definitely had some toxicity to it, but to try to avoid making these mistakes as a parent myself. I am hoping that being cognizant of different ways to be a bad parent will help me to avoid them myself.
@@michigandersea3485 I tried to correct the mistakes of my youth with my kids (they are all grown now with their own kids). Looking back I know realize how much my own unresolved issues affected my ability to parent as healthy as I wanted.
I booked an appointment with my therapist a while ago because I was getting really good feedback in my job & people were recommending me and I just couldn't deal with it. I couldn't even think about without getting so stressed and upset and feeling just a mush of everything at once. It was really debilitating. It's all making much more sense now I know I went through childhood trauma.
def can relate to parent being threatened by my emotions, specifically by any negative emotions (sadness, anger…) i was dismissed once i experienced huge emotions as a young child and as i become older and even more emotionally unregulated i would become explosive because i never felt heard
100% with kids knowing what is not said. My dad was always not only at work but emotionally absent when he was around. I still have vivid memories of being 15 and point blank asking my mom "where has daddy been all of our lives?" Before then, I knew something was wrong but I was finally able to articulate it. It came as no surprise to me when they divorced 7/8 years later. Over the years I discovered precisely why my dad acts the way he does. His neglect affects me to this day, even with hours of therapy. Tragic events can change people and he hid himself inside his head and a bottle well before I was born. It's sad to say, but when he dies I'll mourn what could have been rather than mourning his death.
Wow this just drove it home for me how toxic my environment was. All of these listed happened in my childhood home.
WOW! Every time I think “OK, Ive watched 1 years worth of these videos. I think Ive learned everything i can possibly learn, BOOM! 🤯…..OUR WORK IS NEVER DONE. Thanks for all your wisdom, insight and knowledge.
You are such a gift to the world, Patrick. I wish your videos existed when I was younger.
Very insightful video, thanks. I wish it was more talked about how being a passive parent can really mess things up for kids. When you use every part of you to signal that you're hurting and no one provides guidance or even acknowledgment, you feel very invisible and powerless.
On the point of #5 I dealt with ADHD for a long time and homework was always a struggle. While I was neglected by my parents they belittled me for having a hard time in school (expecting me to figure it out without any help) but worse there were times my mom would actively get in the way of my schooling.
There were two specific instances where I was doing summer school and mom didn't allow me to finish major assignments because she wanted to throw a 4th of July party. At one point I even recorded her rampages to prove to the teacher that I wasn't lying and needed more time. It was a battle every time
Dear Patrick, thank you so much for your support to Ukraine!!!! Not many western people on UA-cam talk about it. Thank you 🙏!!!!!
You always correct about the childhood traumas 😩 make me know I am not exaggerating my childhood.
Dysfunctional family systems really have no idea what is appropriate behaviour from children at each developmental stage. Im watching adults in my family shouting at a 3 year old whose being potty trained for not communicating when he needs to go to the bathroom. In my head im just like "but he's 3 years old. How do you expect him to get that right every time when he's used to a nappy?" I am definitely afraid of making mistakes as an adult because of the same treatment when I was a child. The expectation in my family was always that children must have the same level of understanding as what an adult has without even having things explained to them first.
A lot of parents feel the child is being willful and purposely wetting themselves when it's nothing of the sort. I believe it's around two years of age when there is enough sphincter and bladder control to be able for this to even work right. BUT all bodies are different so it may take longer, and if they're upsetting him, of course there will be more difficulties.
Just wait until they're at the other end of their lives and lose bladder control again themselves.
Reminds me of a lot of employers that expect their new employees to know as much and be as fast as their other long working employees
You'll make mistakes. The important thing is to be able to recognize mistakes, change them, and apologize. That's the mark of a good parent.
I wonder if Patrick Teahan's parents know about this channel and how well he's doing now, they must be absolutely flipping mad lmao
Thanks for this video, it's great, as always!
Nah, they'd probably still demean and diminish, or minimize, his accomplishments. It would be pretty in-line with the way he's described his family, as far as I know. Basically, they would see it and go "see he's not a *real* therapist, just on the internet." or something ridiculous....that's just my non-professional guess, based on my parents doing the same thing. Abusers can't admit fault; they just move the goal-posts.
@@Solonneysa but he's making so much of his abuse public, narcs don't like that at all
I think his parents have passed. I could be wrong. But I recall him making a reference to this in recalling how he could remember the smell of their alcoholism.
Our emotions as children never mattered. Only my nut of a borderline mother mattered. My stepfather was her supreme enabler. Everything revolved around her screaming, sobbing and rages. This seems minor but I remember my brother brought a paper santa he had made at school. He showed it to my mother who nastily stated "I don't want that in the house" and she threw it on the garage shelf. My brother stated in a defeated voice "I worked really hard on that." He's the one who became a PD himself. Yes my mother controlled us. She also spoke of our bio-dad who we didn't have contact with as "your father" Never "my ex-husband" Like we had choice in the matter.
"I worked really hard on that" - that line breaks my heart.
My children's father left us when they were 10 and 6 years old in 1993. I also was a child of divorced parents and remembered how painful it was when I was compared to, or critiqued negatively by my mother and grandmother by comparing me to the "bad" parent and his family. My grandma's favorite was: I'll beat him out of you!
So when it was my turn to be the sole parent I promised myself I will never talk negatively - preferably not at all - about my girls' father to them, or around them. I felt the old pain just by being told "your father", bringing pain and shame to me. After thinking about it for a while I decided to call him "my husband" rather than "your father". I felt that the guilt and shame stayed with me the adult, who could handle it.
My girls are now in their thirties. The other day when I was telling them a story from their yearly childhood my eldest stopped me when I said "my husband" and told me I could say "your dad", it's fine, I am not hurting them.
I guess it turned out OK. I am glad I made this decision when they were young.
O the sobbing would be bouts of the following “no one ever cared for me, I had to be the one to do it all my own. I did everything, no one did nothing for me. Your father was never there, I carried this family, it was me, ALLLLLLLLL MEEEEEEEE” *sons cries… pauses, sobs cries rinse and repeat -along those lines, right?
First off, I’m glad you are able to spot the trauma disorder and know it isn’t your fault. Once you’re able to identity the main bulk will you be able to understand which you and have more self awareness and of course separate you, your identity from the disorder and most importantly focus on you.
@@ThatGmoney 😂 sounds like the bs my mother would tell the johns she would meet while my father was away at work ~ bitch had the nuts to leave us in the car while she would go bang married men & come back drunk & giggling
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May you be well, peaceful, joyous and at ease as well, Patrick. Thank you for this video ❤️
When you mentioned the comment from a parent about a child's art work, it reminded me of something. I was about 9, and I was practicing diligently at sketching things. I looked at a picture of Donald Duck and studied and copied so carefully how it was made, the shape of his bill, his eyes, etc. I drew a very good likeness of Donald and showed it to a couple of people who admired it, as we were at a family vacation with others. When I proudly showed it to my father, hoping that he would be so proud of me he said "You'll never get anywhere copying someone else's work." Of course a true statement, but he was speaking to a 9 year old! And how crushed I felt. I wasn't trying to "get anywhere", I was just practicing being a good sketch artist.
“You’re just like your father!!” Which means I’m dumb and careless (his undiagnosed adhd passed onto me (recently diagnosed) hence more shaming for not listening well and being messy and “what’s wrong with you???!!”
One of my mother's favorite expression to say to me when I was angry or upset was "Oh somebody looks crooked at you and you fall apart", and just ignore me, or get even more hostile with me.
#5 was totally my mother! I mean, she deliberately kept me powerless for years, right into my later teens.... ouch....
I've been struggling with memory loss regarding my childhood and traumatic events that happened. Which is really frustrating especially if therapists and mental health professionals don't believe me or simply praise the fact that I can't remember anything. However the power dynamic part triggered some deep rage in me and sometimes new memories plop up so thank you for the video :)
Yes I feel the pain must be processed and you must cry to be fully free and release the feeling. Having the memories blocked is a problem IMO. I asked my counselor if I can heal not being sale to remember 1st 9 years where we lived in another country.
@@recyclespinning9839 I'm sorry to hear that I hope you'll find closure one day.
For me the memories I've got are like islands and I'll remember one picture frame or one event or one scent, a detail from that and I've been going through old pictures to help refresh my memories and connect them with the actual event's that happened. It's been a really fun process to me. I found an old box containing things from when I was 12-13 and it made me feel really weird inside. It was a mixture of wholesome, embarrassed, validating, I need a hug, I hate everything and melancholic. It was really good.
But the second I put them back my memories where shut off again. Only when I'm reminded these memories come back. It's actually pretty interesting when frustrating at the same time.
I have a Cartman's mom/Unknown dad situation too! I wish I knew what was underneath her parenting style. But when I grew up she couldn't let go of me and it became abusive after I was an adult and I had to cut off my "sweet" mother. I definitely didn't respect her as a child, and when she demanded respect back after I was old enough to move out it became a huge point of conflict.
It's sad, so sorry. Have you set Boundaries to protect yourself? They are necessary and useful. Your mother needs therapy. Too old? Protect yourself by setting Boundaries and respect them yourself. Best to you!
my parents and teachers made every decision for me growing up. i can't decide to do anything anymore, even if i know what i wanna do, even if i have a plan. because im scared, because something might go wrong, and because every time, i have to push back against my parents, which is hard to even will myself to TRY and do
I really love your videos Patrick, they are very helpful. I do have a question, though: What do you think about parents who constantly shame you for "wasting" so much money or not being independent enough, yet hold you hostage when you try to be self sufficient? Where would this type of behavior fall into? Thanks!
yes I'm seeing this behavior with my nephew and my sister
That’s a great topic for a video. I’ve lived this, too. I actually had to lie to my mother when I was job hunting to keep her from sabotaging potential interviews, because we were living together at the time. She had no idea I was working until two weeks later when I couldn’t hide it anymore. She was furious with me. 😂
That sounds like #6 - expecting certain things from a child but not understanding how their parenting plays into it.
Have been going through this with my dad and currently still am, would love to see a video on this topic.
This is the primary challenge - to act on your own behalf and become your own better parent until you can simply take the actions you need to take without caring how they react.
Notice how narcs always kick out and demonize anyone they can't control? Scour your own awareness for your fears around that. It's your fear holding you hostage more than anything they can do.
As a Gen Xer, I feel like we almost all had bad situations at home as our parents divorced. We came home alone to an empty house, did homework alone, made our own dinner, and for kids like me had only one parent who was seldom home. When you see everyone you know in a similar situation, you don't realize how terrible that is. We had to be adults when we were so young.
I always saw this as the kids were successfully taught skills and able to use them to be a functional member of a family. Never saw it as bad?!
@@ellesamuse "successfully taught skills" is the big difference not everyone gets taught you just have to figure it out which is the line between good and bad parenting in my opinion.