This situation is far too common and many in the world are willfully ignorant of the damage this causes. Healing is the ultimate rebellion. Keep rockin ❤
My mom always chose my cousin over me. She took her on vacation and left me at home with relatives. When I was a little older I brought it up to my mom and said 'I know you always liked my cousin better'. She reached out and slapped my face. To me that was confirmation. I got hit because I was telling the truth. This still affects me to this day. I broke off all the contacts with my family. I just had to 😢
Same, my mother slapped me across the face and then kicked me out of the house at 16 when I called her out on what she was doing (sleeping around and not coming home, leaving me alone to watch my younger siblings). She still blames me for "being too disrespectful" to this day. Incidentally, she also would go out to do that partying with my older cousin, as well.
I strongly suspect that your “ cousin” was actually your sister. Your mother slapped you for exactly the reason you stated; you told her the truth. How dare you ! I had a similar experience in a totally different situation. I congratulate you on starting a life that does not include your mother or any family member who does not value you as would be a normal expectation. I will share s secret with you. I am old and it is the time in my life when my parents have died. They lived to be in their early nineties. At last I could stop trying to find love and affirmation from them! It’s done, over, buried and I can have peace.
What the hell. I don't say this often but her family angered me. My family played games like that too. I tried to "pretend" I had a real family and wasted decades. Tell this wonderful lady to move on and rebuild her life with people who care for her.
Grieve for us. The world is round.They dont deserve your friendship. We will not be there ro wittness rest assured Abusive &callus Behaviors like they have will affect their own putrid life's for sure.
Amen. At 63 I finally walked away from treatment like this woman faced from my family. And Anna hit the nail by saying the siblings picked up on the way the mother treated her. That’s what happens. The parents have this “issue” (for me I wasn’t the boy they wanted after 2 girls) and the negativity toward the child is picked up on by the siblings and that’s where scape goats come from. Walk away. It won’t change. The way my family treated me after the death of my oldest son showed me once and for all to leave it behind. I heard God tell me “you are free” after my father screamed at me for the last time. He beat on us as kids and screamed like that all the time so hearing it again at 62 was the end. No more. Make a “framily” girlfriend. And put your energy into them.
My own young adult children , all 3 of them, (I was a single mom after a heartbreaking divorce when they were but babies) have bought into my own toxic families scapegoat dialog. They have rejected me and become indifferent after being brainwashed by my parents when I wasn't present to defend myself. Now they think I'm not good enough either. I was a very involved and unabusive and dedicated and loving mother. They don't even express their reasoning... they just ignore me and act so indifferent about me as a human being. It is so hurtful, I tried so hard to have my own family of me and my own children loving and kind and connected. But either I am a failure ot I am not worthy. There's no hope.
@@ImaginarySusan that is heartbreaking, not fair and makes no sense. But I’ve experienced some of the estrangement you’re describing and family betrayal. It’s surprising how common this issue is. Joshua Coleman is a psychologist who dealt with his own child estrangement and runs a website and online support services for parents dealing with these painful situations. He’s very compassionate and the information helped me understand a lot more about what is going on and support for myself. I’m sorry you’re going through this-it is very difficult and disappointing. The confusion about “why” took a lot of energy and was not resolved. There has been some improvements but not completely resolved or the original intent/dream. Hugs 🤗
@ImaginarySusan I was the forgotten child and scapegoat. When my son was 3 years old, my mother got distracted and careless for a few minutes - distracted by the golden child. My hackles went up and I became aware that she could start treating my son as she had treated me. I moved across the country within a few months. Your kids will not be around forever; love them as much as you can. For your own serenity, I suggest you put some space between you and your parents. You have very little to gain from them and a lot of pain in store.
Now that I realize the damage my parents did to me growing up, I have such contempt for them. They caused my brain to be wired wrong and healing from it is so hard
The first step to fixing a problem is recognizing it. With time, we are able to improve and become healthier. It's very hard to get on the road of life with bad guides, but once we're adults, we can learn to take the wheel and move on. 🙏💖
The best thing is to treat toxic family members as business partners by only talking about superficial things and never expect anything from them. Invest on making friends who will be close enough to replace family members.
It’s devastating. 😢as an adopted child, this hurts even worse. Being rejected twice. My looks, weight, anything was not okay . Being teased & humiliated unmercifully by family & peers. I thought of taking my life everyday for years. I ended up getting high and staying high starting at 13 years old. I’m sober now . Just recently- at 55
Being rejected once is enough. I'm sorry you were treated that way twice. Your sobriety is very encouraging to me. I'm 37 and currently 4 months sober and it can be difficult some days. Thanks for sharing and I hope you're in a more peaceful place now.
My hope for you is one day soon you will see those messages are just not true - it’s literally about them …in nature when a shark is wounded the other sharks will attack. As Anna says when you have that ah ha moment that you are not all of those things there will be a volcano of emotions- rage sadness …plot twist…forgiveness is the key 🔐. Keep chipping away - do the practice and keep listening and one day the light will find room to shine in and reveal what you need to heal and move forward. I’m 54 - with ya on this path. 🙂✌🏻
Josie, you are not alone. I actually don't think there's anything unusual about what you've endured. It's very common for families to pick one child and pour all their (self)loathing and hatred onto them, blame them for everything, make them feel responsible for things they are NOT responsible for. Projecting their internalized shame about race, poverty, etc onto you, the scapegoated child. You are not alone. You can overcome this toxic family of origin and find professional success and find healthy relationships. You are FREE, I hope you are empowered by that. You are NOT who they say you are, you are a Child of God! You are JOSIE! 💗
I have never felt more enraged at the injustices done to this woman. I'm only a few minutes in, and I would stop listening completely if it weren't for the fact that this woman deserves to be heard and seen. I know I will be crying by the end. This letter writer deserved so much better. I don't have the words to express the intensity of my feeling of protectiveness for our writer.
Josie, you are so loved by all of us here. I too was treated as an indentured servant, denied medical coverage & care (by my Registered Nurse Mother), excluded from family events. I tried to "kill them with kindness" and at one point my Mother admitted that she was intentionally malicious to me, which I knew. My siblings were conditioned to see me as their servant sadly. I hope you know that you are a good person, you have overcome so much! Congratulations on the new job. I'm job searching myself so I know how important it is plus we get some type of validation from work that we didn't get in our "family of origin." I hope you find people who you can trust. Please be kind to yourself, we all want the best for you. Bless you
Josie, you have been through incredible pain and hardship. Your resilience to fund your own birthdays/Christmases and HEART medication tells me you are a freaking Lion! The mental capacity to do that is NOT, I repeat NOT in everyone. You were LOVING YOU.. AND you were very literally looking after your heart. My God girl!! You are a freaking Lion.. stop mixing with turkeys and hoping to fit in. They sheltered you to adulthood, and now you are FREE. Be you. A Lion. Form your pride, use that will of yours to create fabulous experiences! This new job is gonna be AWESOME because YOU believe in and love yourself (Fact), and are seeking healthy attachments. Nothing wrong with you, and as my therapist told me only yesterday, " the past is over and it is like a compost pile behind your back - and sometimes you can reach into that compost pile, pull out a handful and use it to grow something decent". You are a Lion.. now go live your best life. Hope this helps, I wish you the very best. Love and hugs. ❤
I have left much of my birth family behind because of the generational traumas they couldn’t admit and address. MY family are those who support me through my health issues, whether I’ve met them in person or not. Anna is family now and so are all of her followers.
Same. My mom was a nurse and her medical insurance was free from the hospital, but I would have cost her $80 a month. It was for any and all dependants up to 10. But because I was one person, and not 10 people, it wasn't worth it to her.
That’s got to be one of the strongest people I’ve ever heard of. I would say to her “it’s definitely not you.” I’m so glad she moved a thousand miles away from them. Wish she could move a thousand moons away. “They don’t deserve you.” 💚
I really love that you read the whole letter, no matter how long. Its beautiful that you let the writer freely express all these things they've probably kept inside their whole lives.
I would get a DNA test if you want the truth of why they were so bad to you. No matter the result, you are a precious soul and deserve so much more. I’m rooting for you!
I relate to this totally. My younger sisters said they always thought that I wasn't really my mother's daughter, but maybe an illegitimate child of my aunt. I actually sent for my birth certificate to make sure. I was more like a hated servant that they had to let live there. When I was eighteen, I cried to my father that she hated me, and he said he knew. This crushed me at a very vulnerable time. He always knew, and ignored it.
I was sexually abused since I was 5 to 16. Everyone knew, his wife knew. They tried to paint me as a scatter brain loudmouth. I know through counciling they tried to make me not believable. I learned at 32 that they all knew!!! That family was doing foster care and they had a little girl they were fostering who reminded me of pictures of myself at 5, she was like looking at a younger version. I had nightmares, I told my counselor who told me I had to tell the social worker. I just couldn't do it alone. She did it for me , hardest thing I ever did. Best thing I ever did. It gave me my power back.
One time I was driving my grama to the store. She was looking at me really crazy, so I asked her what was wrong. She said " it's just so strange to see you driving. I never thought of you as a real person before.'
This gives me heavy narc vibes! It’s super creepy and weird, and is abs something a narcissist would say as they see us as objects, not people. I’m so sorry, you deserve better, esp after being their main caregiver😢❤
I want to give you a giant hug Josie 🤗 You are such a beautiful soul! I disconnected from my family of origin. If they disregulate you- You owe them nothing. Pour the love you are giving them in droves, into yourself. Reparent that little girl inside, she needs you more than they ever will. You can do this ❤
@@Theowlhawkme as well. Almost two years no contact from my mom and siblings and these stories resonate and help me tremendously to realize I’m not alone.
As an abused child, I have been through this: you have to stop basing your self worth on the way fools who don't know how to love treat you. These people are all seriously cruel and damaged and you are going to let them make you feel bad about yourself? You need to get rid of these people and find good people in your life. I looked after my parents when they were old but mostly I minimised my contact with them, didn't take any input into my life. I also have three abusive siblings who I cut contact with. If they are not sorry and not willing to change, then lose them. Unfortunately most people are damaged and selfish to an extent, you have to make sure you are better than that and create your own self image. EVERYBODY is worthy of love, no exceptions, but you have to believe it.
Also an eldest daughter. Not an immigrant… but so much of Josie’s story is close to my own, and especially that delusional need to make everything okay and justified and always excusing and forgiving everyone. I’m crying so much and have so much love for this friend and kindred spirit I’ve never met. You’re not alone, Josie. I understand your sweetness and sugarcoating to survive. Thank your for sharing your story because now I feel less alone as well. 💕
It’s SCAPEGOATING. I’m oldest of 4 girls. Identify with a lot of what this woman describes in childhood. One sister was dark haired and dark eyed and there were weird references to her appearance. Rest of siblings our mom and dad were all light haired and eyes. My maternal grandmother had dark hair-and my aunt did also but my mom her sister, was blonde with green eyes. Heard late in life from my Aunt she had felt discriminated towards due to her darker hair/eyes. Yes, my family held pretty Racist beliefs. I heard the mutters and complaints. My dad was overt and awful racist. Learned recently our DNA has a bit of West African heritage in area where slave trade had been active. How interesting and IRONIC is that!? It took me decades to realize I cannot create connections with my family that they don’t have the capacity, awareness or desire for. Yes GRIEF is the result of finally getting that I’m not going to be a valued member of my biological family. It was set up that way. Still it is sad. And lonely. Isolation is the go to safe haven but it’s not healthy or sustainable long term.
@@ccdm515 yes absolutely true that hair and eye color can vary widely-so many different ancestors and genes. It is weird and new to my mind that so many people/families carry these concerns or judgements about coloring. I was naive about how these ideas and beliefs about color are so prevalent. And being educated in genetics I already understood how variations are possible and normal. A lot of myths about physical traits and what they mean circulating in families.
@@ccdm515 Oh my goodness. My mom often told the story of how, despite my parents being dark haired and dark eyed, I was born blonde haired and blue eyed (now my hair is brunette and my eyes are darker green, but I grew up blonde with blue eyes), and people would actually comment so inappropriately on it! They would say things like, "Was it the milk man? The mail man?" My mom often said she actually taught me to say, "Recessive genes!" as some of my first words. My looks haven't actually been a factor in my trauma, but I know my cousin said more than once that his siblings who looked more like their dad were abused more (by their dad), and the ones who looked more like their mom were the favorites. I mean, when people are that irrational and crazy, there is just no understanding it! We can get our needs met and not go to people who were and are incapable of meeting our needs.
It wasn't until I finally sat down and went through all the levels of malicious neglet that I realised it was indeed personal. That was the terrible thing...to realise that I needed to get out of the family picture, to remove myself so the others could enjoy their lives without me interfering with their family unit. The letter you read hit so close to home. My heart goes out to her and others who suffer through this but find their way to a happy life of light and love!
This just made me cry. I've been shunned as well and I am the same with the friends and a partner. It's just more of the same over and over again. I have accepted being shunned though, which is different from this person. I was recently invited me to a family wedding. I said no. I'm going to just accept that this is what happened. It's very painful though. I think it would be good to see a group for people who have been shunned. There is one in the UK called StandAlone, but they don't have many places. I got onto the group once and it did help to say it out loud. It did really help. I was one of the few people who was totally untethered though. Most people had found a family of their own. I think it's so painful because you have to hide it, or you feel like you have to hide it. Big hug for this woman. A great big hug. xxx
~Good for you for turning down the wedding invite!~I turned down an offer to visit, knowing it would be stressful beyond anything i wanted to endure~I know ive been shunned, regardless of their patronizing invite~
Heart break is not just from a romantic partner or spouse....but it's soul shattering when 'family' or 'relatives' break your heart....😢 I get why Josie is still wanting to hold onto her family - even with all the abuse and dismissiveness she has received from them ( especially her mother....), she will one day realise that her energy and the amazing capacity she has for love, will be received by people more deserving of it - and starts to direct it towards them. I too have had to 'cut off' away and from maternal relatives after I learnt who they were ( a year after my mother's passing)- yes it hurts, it's painful and at times confusing when society and people around us are chanting 'family/family/family/' as if it's sacred when it's not after receiving so much abuse and neglect. But as soon as Josie puts herself first, and starts to keep herself at distance from them, preserving her whole being , her health and body will thank her for it - the body knows.
It's actually worse than romantic heartbreak, I'd say! :( And it sets you up and primes you for romantic heartbreak, too. I'd rather have my heart torn apart by a narcissistic dude than by my own mother.
@@Analysis_Paralysis it is worse because you know that eventually eventually you'll get over whatever man broke your heart. But you're only ever going to have that one mother.
I literally thought the healthcare story was going to lead to a different paternal parent reveal. I once saw an image of a garlic clove perfectly nestled in a mandarin with the caption, "Sometimes where you fit isn't always where you belong." That made me think of how in this case the family is draining and not adding to the quality of life here. I've been there. Sometimes people "need" to brainwash others into supporting their toxic behavior because it supports the false narrative they are telling themselves. Without the support of the family in this case, the mother would be more inclined to be held accountable for her actions. As long as a family believes abusive behavior is normal, the abuser feels safe to continue the abuse. It's part of their defense plan. Learning to nurture your own needs first, really being mindful with self-love, and self-care has really helped me. Super impressed with how positive this person has remained. You're doing great, Josie! Keep on keeping on. 💪 💙
I had similar but not as extreme. I have been no contact with the help of a trauma therapist for almost 10 years. In my experience, the negative effects from your family bleed into all relationships, including work. Most friends will be uncomfortable with your treatment. I had friends try to stand up for me and I rejected their help. It was awkward for everyone. I wasn't able to have truly healthy relationships including work until I went no contact with my family. It was so hard but now I can see the blessings in my life.
The darker skin thing is real. I’m imagining Arabic or middle eastern. I’m 2nd generation of a country near there and my mother was constantly told nobody would marry her bc of her nose, how dark she was, etc. A baby who was light skinned was coveted. I also was called out for my darkness but it was balanced by some beauty found in it, despite being in a world of blue/green eyed blondes. My heart goes out to you, Josie. You are worthy of love.
Dear sweet Josie, we in this community, know your very existence on this earth means you are absolutely worthy of all of our love and respect. I have experienced similar abuse, neglect as you, from my family of origin, began with my mom until she died when I was 32 and my dad until he died 4 years ago (I'm 62), you fight like hell, for yourself, find that community, make loving friendships, chose your new family now that you have the tools and the understanding. I do mourn for the family I thought I had, yes, however I absolutely celebrate the family of my choosing now.
I was always looked at 2nd best when compared to my older sister....instead of celebrating my difference as being creative and out of the box...I was ridiculed as being unruly and not up to the standard of being better than.....In a sense I got my payback. I surprised them by retiring from a job with pension and medical benefits. I stayed at a job that was a "dilbert" kind of job...but now that I am retired I have the option of exploring my creative ambitions. I also am working on my physical, emotional and spiritual life to continue this endeavor. No one can tell me I am ever too old...😆
Rise from the ashes like bird phoenix. Always loved the symbolism of phoenix and how it was displayed in Harry potter movies.... so much hope and gentleness
I had a mother like that. In fact, the whole family was toxic. I've found that the farther away I can get from them, the better. Out of five of us, only my sister is left. She's in Michigan; I'm in Florida. That's far enough away.
I can relate Josie. I was the oldest daughter of my mom and step dad for 14 years. Along come my two bothers and guess who’s a second mom. Looking back everything was just given to them. Still to this day they are supported. I am the outcast who had the problem. Find friends and make them your family. I’ve struggled with wanting my parents to see me. At 53 it’s still not happening. Best of luck to you. Remember you come first always. Make yourself the priority and others second. You’ll be much happier.
Thank you for your post. Your situation as a child matches mine. As the oldest child, My parents treated me like a hostage slave., Bottle washer, diaper changer, maid, and punching bag. There's nothing you can do to ever inspire love or cate from these cruel people. Your advice is so appreciated.
I’ve come back to this video several times since you posted it. I hope Josie knows she’s not alone. I have this same family situation with very slight differences
This makes me so sad. How do you leave one of your children out? Like they aren’t important. Like they’re invisible. My heart breaks for you josie...you deserve love and you dont have to do or be any anything to be worthy of love. You’re worthy.
Also the oldest daughter (of 5) from an immigrant family. No contact is the best way to go. You can shape-shift yourself to try to fit into these people’s version of “right” or “perfect” but it won’t ever be enough.
This is a very timely video for me, but my situation is slightly different. I’m in my 50s with older sisters, one significantly so. In our family, my mom is a narcissist, my oldest sister is the scapegoat, and the middle one is the golden child. I’m the textbook invisible child. I’ve had a host of bad physical and mental health issues. After weeks of mulling over sending my sisters a video of doctor Gabor Mate’, who teaches that traumatic childhood experiences can cause these issues later in life, I finally sent it to them in a group text. They stopped communicating with me after that. They shunned me for 5 weeks. One of them used my birthday last week to wish me a happy birthday and then get on my back about the video, etc. After talking to both of them, I was basically informed that they shunned me for 5 weeks because they love me and are concerned about me. I actually laughed at how absurd that is. They showed me what I needed to see - who they really are, and I’m finally done. They’ve watched me struggle, literally for decades, and refuse to believe that there’s a chance that the way I was treated in my life has caused my health problems, and chronic unemployment. They want to perpetuate the ridiculous family myth that everything was fantastic when we were kids and even beyond. I actually feel a sense of relief.
oh same, my mother puts her head to one side and says she's worried about me, and hwo does she express that concern?? By shutting me down and giving me the silent treatment.
Anna, I had to share my experience because I’ve experienced something similar growing up and am grieving my maternal relationship currently. Like this sweet woman, I could write a book but just to speak to this dynamic- it’s colorism. It is very much rooted in internalized racism, as you mentioned, and it’s VERY common in many families of color. My sister and I were always compared bc I was browner than she was and my hair was courser and kinkier. I grew up hearing my parents argue over which one of them my sister got her beauty from (each claiming it from their genes) while simultaneously arguing over where I got my “inferior” qualities from (each claiming it came from the other parent’s genes). It put us in constant competition. And to this day, my favorite Aunt is the only relative who praised me equally for my beauty bc she was very fair and thought my “cocoa complexion” was gorgeous. She still calls me her “beautiful brown skin girl” while kissing both cheeks and cupping my face in her hands. I’m also going through the grieving process of accepting that my parents “loved me less” and have been since my sister’s passing 5 years ago now. I thought they just loved her more, but their treatment remained just as bad as ever after she died. That made me realize it wasn’t about loving her more, but not loving me at all. They excluded my other siblings (half siblings technically) and I from the decisions around my sister’s estate, including what of her belongings and keepsakes we kept while letting me plan her memorial arrangements, set up funding for her burial, and even be the literal bearer of bad news to everyone we knew that my sister had died in a terrible wreck. She let me take all the trauma and excluded me and my siblings from the healing. So I hate to say it, but I had to accept that my mother is a covert narcissist most likely, with my father being the overt kind. They both share similar distaste for me that manifests in entirely different ways but all from selfishness. It’s a horrible feeling and now that I’m grown and struggling as a small business owner, it’s the most difficult thing having them feign concern to keep up appearances of being good parents while not even bothering to support me in any tangible way. I’m devastated and experiencing horrible stomach troubles over it because I’m having to tell little me that Mom and Dad didn’t love her but just loved what having her around did for their lives and reputations.
I also have felt shunned and ignored as a child. I have since lost my mother and I have a lot of anger, mixed feelings and so on. I have actually been told so many things like I should get over it, see a therapist etc. I don't have many friends and can't trust anyone. I often feel alone and I truly believe no one cares.
We care! We understand and we care. I can relate. I feel very alone in life, no partner, no children. I'm trying to make new friends, it's very up and down. I'm out of work too which is another source of stress but I'm starting my job hunt this week. I found a good therapist who is definitely helping. I've found volunteering and support groups plus gardening and the gym/exercise helps. And journaling every day. We just have to give ourselves the love we didn't receive and never give up on ourselves.
I don't have any friends, family, spouse, partner, or children. I thrive on solitude and become manic when around people for too long. I find joy in caring for animals. You don't need to see a therapist or join a group or make friends if you find these things stressful. Find your own peace and joy whatever that may be to you.
That was too hard to listen to... What a brave woman she turned out to be after all the abuse she endured. I also think that she may be from a different origin (another father). That would explain a lot! But anyways I just wanted to send love to her. She's clearly a beautiful soul and shines with her own light. I hope she can create a beautiful circle and a loving family. ❤
Oh my dear girl, hearing your life story made me want to hug you so tight. The fact that you have emerged from your childhood with your spirit intact is a testament to your internal strength. Nothing you were told and believed as a child was true. You always deserved to be loved, cherished, and taken care of, just like any other child. You shouldn't have been made to believe that you had to earn their love. You deserve all the good things in life, and it's not too late for you to find your tribe, to find people who will love you for YOU. ❤❤BIG HUGS❤❤
Josie, I just have to say I’m also the eldest daughter in an immigrant household and even though I didn’t have your experience, I can tell you that I am also a master of self delusion and beginning to see my family for who they really are. What you need to accept is that the only person you have control over is yourself…other people only change if they want to change, and you cannot make them to want to change. So just choose yourself and your own happiness and accept that the validation you need the most is your own. You don’t need their validation. You are amazingly strong and brave just by being self aware enough to have written that very clear letter. You are your own mother and father and you can love yourself and give yourself the love you need. Sending you a hug and lots of admiration and love. ❤
Sending love dearest lady - after 64 years of trying to fix my family it occurred to me that I never had a mother - I gave up - I took the love and caring I had left and mothered myself - your letter is full of compassion - you posses great beauty - there is a special place for you on this earth
I really hope Josie is able to end the contact to her family or to keep them at a very low contact level. As long as you value those people very highly, that see no value in you at all, you are complicit in devaluing yourself (or in thinking it is okay to treat you that way). I know this from my own experience with my narcissistic mother. I know it is hard to let go. But as long as they are there, the devaluing will continue and you have to use up so much of your energy, just to counter their attacks, that you will have less of your energy for your life, your job, your hobbies, future friends or partners, for your healing process etc. I really think you need all energy thats left in you to heal and to rebuilt a new life for yourself, a nice life, filled with love and friends and with real birthday gifts, with people who care about you when you are sick etc. I wish you all the best. feel hugged.
This might sound dumb, and not be for everyone, but for me dogs were a great way to realize that i deserved love. The dog loved me even if I came home a bit late, and was never angry with me. It helped me see, that there was nothing wrong with me, it was them. Later, I did also find a partner, who loves the same way a dog does ❤
I was treated this way, but not to the extent of Josie. My family just did not see me as a human being. I was some kind of object to be scapegoated and dumped on. There was no respect for my personhood or attention to my needs. Similar to when your mother said that she couldn’t picture you with a family, as if you are some kind of alien other who doesn’t do what other people do. It’s a strange type of othering of a person that really breaks the spirit.
Josie, it sounds like lack self-worth is one of the tendrils of doubt and fear that is keeping you bond and restricted. I endured a very similar childhood, immigrant family, only girl and also the black sheep/scape goat the family. I spent a lot of time reprogramming myself. One method that I learned to go this was to acknowledge the fear that came up in any given situation and deny its power over me. After denying the fear power you affirm the qualities you wish to embody and then take action. Take actionable steps toward the emotional or physical goals you have. I repeated this process a hundred times for several different problems I faced and I am able to have a coherent and even ok relationship with a family who spent most of my life treating me like dirt. Its not because I understand and accept them but because I understand and accept myself. You are worthy of love, affection and success because you are a valuable member of this world.
My advice for whatever it’s worth is this , not all of us get the family we want & deserve, you can’t change the past & you’re never going to get what you need from your family, what you can do is to find a family of your own, your soul tribe your community. Family doesn’t have to be blood related. Find people you CAN have meaningful connections with. I wish you lots of happiness & ❤️.
All of the stories shared on this channel are sad, but this one really affected me. I’m so sorry this woman is experiencing all this. 😢 Her family sound incredibly malevolent. Sending her love and hugs from all the way here in Australia. ❤
Poor sweetheart, you are not alone in this. I also suffered from a horrible set of parents. Never ever got their support or love. And everything they did to me was my own fault so I was told. And my stories are as awful as yours. Now I am a lot older than you so for me having my own family is not possible. But you can and will. Surround yourself with a good partner and lots of mini you. Because the world needs people who where raised by a good mother as you will be. I have faith in you ❤
I experienced much of the same life as the lady you spoke of. Advice: I'd found a therapist who had me use a tennis racket and hit pillows saying what angered me about things they did like nor celebrating my birthday but they made big deals for my 3 other siblings. Getting out the anger is very important. Getting it straight, in the physical world, that what they did was never right, good or fair. Get it straight in your head. Turn it around that you were very wronged, Josey. Once you do, you can find good people in your life. I finally found someone at 41 years of age.
The worst is when you figure anyone who does like you and treat you well must be a loser too. All you want is to belong with the many other abusers, or whatever you call these people, in your life.
Josie, we don’t know you in person, but I can attest that based on the beautiful, beautiful soul that the words and sentiment your letter contains, it is SO easy to love you. It is my firm belief you incarnated into this difficult circumstances to prove yourself and, particularly, everyone else, that the God that resides in each of us is Pure Love. My best wishes. You deserve all the love anyone can send you, and much more. Thank you for setting this amazing example of endurance and self-love to those who suffer much less dramatic, but still traumatic, circumstances.
I see you Josie and understand what you’re going through. What a strong and beautiful person you are. I’m sending you love and continued strength. You’ve got this!
I was the scapegoat but never knew it despite every one of my past friends telling me so. Ignored from the get go and until nc I’d have nightmares. One time I dreamed I passed out in front of them all and they walked over me and completely ignored my laying on the floor. In the dream I was screaming for help and they laughed and told me to, “stop making everything about you and being so dramatic. You’re always making things up.” It’s a shame this treatment isn’t a retro crime. The only way to see what they are doing to you is to get out. When you’re flailing in the water trying to keep from drowning there’s nothing in the peripheral to see. You can only see it when you get out. They sound jealous of you and your spirit.
When we're young and our parents are horrible to us, it doesn't feel safe to get mad at them. So we make excuses for them instead, blame ourselves, suppress our anger. As adults, though, we might have to get angry at all the stuff they did wrong, because that's an appropriate response. We can feel anger the same way we would if we saw someone hurting another innocent kid who wasn't us. It helps us reclaim our value. Everyone says, forgive them and move on. I had to un-forgive my parents before I could move on, and really allow myself to see what an awful job they did raising their children. I had to learn to say, "I had a very unhappy childhood." I was middle-aged before I could admit that out loud, but when I did, things started getting better. I pray for Josie to somehow be able to believe she is valuable and worthy of love, even though her parents were too sick to recognize what a wonderful child she was. It was them, Josie. It was never because of you.
Well said. Thank you. The total powerlessness of an abused child means anger is out of the question. We don't get practice in any emoyions really, if emotions will do no good, and will distract us from what we need to do to stay alive, which will often be to be blankly accepting and show no pain
I worked with a woman decades ago who came to work with lint in her hair. Out of all the staff , she was the only one who came to work disheveled. I talked to her one day and she said she was one of six children. She said she was the darkest child in the family. She said her mother taught her sisters how to take care of their hair but not her. She said her sisters would get new dresses but never her. She just broke my heart.
She was the scapegoat of the family, there was plenty of triangulation among siblings, both parents malignant narcissists, and she suffers cognitive dissonance, and loyal toxic parenting, she is still waiting to be loved and accepted by those bastards. I feel spool related to her, I was through the same abuse, still recovering....born an empath you are marked to this abuse, but once you overcome you get wiser, stronger and finally piece of mind is achieved...wish her soon recovery
Oh wow. Josie, you are an amazing person and you have gone through so much that no child should ever endure. I’m sending you love and big hugs! I just recently had to cut off my 88 year old mother. I’ve realized she was toxic at various points in my life but that pull of “magical thinking” kept me coming back to reconnect with her. Of course, it wasn’t a true connection. Finally, my mother said to me this past summer that she doesn’t consider me or my children her family. That was the final straw. And that woke me up to the fact that she has ALWAYS thought of me that way and why she treated me as awful as she did. I think that is what your family has done to you. You really aren’t family to them. They don’t treat you like family. It’s so hard to realize that you will never have a great family of origin. Luckily I did get married and have children so I now have family to love and rely on the way family is supposed to be. I wish the same for you and pray you find healing and love.
I felt so sad for Josie listening to her story. I hope she can come to the realisation that her family will never change and that she is deserving of love, attention and every good thing.
Yep! My dad’s 3rd wife has done these types of things to me. Her mini me daughter (half sister) has been groomed to hate me. Family members have been turned away from me. My dad goes along and refuses to see them for who they really are. I was ostracized for over a decade. Left for dead. I got cancer and here they all came… in the guise of wanting to “help me.” Basically wanting all up in my business! I have gone “no contact” for my own health, peace & hapiness. Like you said, “Nobody who’s right in the head does this to their children.”
I can relate to the toxic fog interfering with my work. I used to have these scenerios and conversations playing in my head all hours of the day. Hoping to find the words that I could have said to get the love that I wanted from toxic family members. I ended up accepting that they are not capable of extending their love and grace to me. It hurts a lot. I cried so much and grieved the relationship that I wanted but could not have. It really helped me with those intrusive thoughts. They are coming up less often and I am more present in current time instead of reliving past memories over and over.
Wow... just wow.... I am so inspired by her she sounds like such a capable and loving person, even after being treated so badly by the people she started her life with. Congrats on the new job and new chapter!!! "We have to maintain" 💯
Josie, My heart is breaking for you and I am in tears as I hear about the absolutely unthinkably horrible treatment you received and the thought of you sinking to your knees at work now. I so admire your inner strength and your capacity to love. It's the clearest sign that you are so much stronger than any of your abusers. Please know that we are all rooting for you! You deserve the very best that life has to offer! ❤
Josie- I want to share a Mother I have come to know that knowing this might help you. First of all I am so sorry for what you have been through. Look at how very strong your heart is to have endured all the neglect, disappointment, frustration and confusion. The pain of having a mother that never soothes or comforts is hard enough but one who inflicted such neglect is beyond difficult. So here’s what worked for me. Pray the rosary- just do it and see how your heart feels. Know that you are not alone and that you deserve a beautiful life filled with love, respect, protection and acceptance. You are not alone, look at how many comments- we are rooting for you💖💜💖💜😇💖💜💖
Al anon are my family, no judgement, i can show up as myself, its safe, a place to grow, human connection, we all go for coffee, there is comfort, respect, kindness. Odd persons sometimes attend that are narcs. I had to go no contact with family. Miss my brother, he talks to mother daily, so i feel its an act of kindness not to engage with him , it would cause triangulation, not going there. Love crapy fairy, healing listening to these videos highlights healing, awareness and care. Much loves ❤ to everyone here.
Untreated post partum depression can explain a disconnected dysfunctional relationship with your mother. Also we ignore when the father has a post partum type reaction to becoming a parent. You deserved better. Seek support through CBT individual and group therapy. Put your energy into making friendships and belonging to a group not in your family. May you find the connection, love and care within your new relationships so you may heal from the heartless parenting you received.
And I thought my extended family were bad, but Josie has been literally ABUSED. What a horrible way to treat an innocent person! Especially a child. Josie I am so sorry your family are so useless. ❤
Being far away from them is the best thing you can do! There’s a reason my family lives in western Canada while I live in Washington DC and my brother lives in Japan. We’re both on record saying we’ll never move back. Let them have their Gong show and enjoy your new life!
They never going to give u what u want or need Josie. Start your own family and give and get love from them. I have no family and they treated me really crappy too. When you heal that hole THEY created, you will see that they do not deserve you or one minute of your time. Your better than that… you deserve way better than that. They will never help you feel better about what they did. We are here for you! You got this
I haven't been in touch with "family" for over 10 years. I heard from a cousin a year ago letting me know my father died (cancer). It felt like another form of abuse from them. You can reach out to let me know he died. He/they clearly knew he was dying, and he didn't give a crap about any goodbye/apology - so what is the point? I mourned that death years ago in all reality. It literally makes my heart hurt if I think about the complexity of what went down. It is bonkers that people I grew up with/had on a sort of pedestal, ended up being the ones who decided I wasn't worth it and I've believed them. It's on me to deal with it at this point, but when I start to explore everything wrapped up in that trauma it's too much and I put it back in the box. Until the next time. The cycles are further apart these days, which is nice, but what I would give to be done with it. I couldn't even watch this entire video. PTSD is so very real, and I need to find the strength to properly deal with it.
Being at ground zero is a blessing in disguise. You can begin new healthy traditions and belief systems that support your true value. Whoever is her friends and family in her next chapter will be grateful to have an incredible and sweet person in their lives. :)
Josie, what you went through makes my heart break because it sounds like my story. Although I’m not mixed, I was born out of wedlock. My mother hid her pregnancy with me, never had prenatal care, and my mom planned on giving a me away for adoption to her brothers wife, who is my Aunt, who also just died. I’m in grief over the pain my family caused me. The freak the thing, the horrible awful person who was the oldest of 13 and was beaten by Over jealous Religion and Catholicism. In many ways my life was like growing up as Carrie, the Steven King novel. I was treated that way by my family, and high school friends. What I can tell you at 43, is that rejection, hurt like hell. Still does. But it makes you one of the strongest women alive. When you get through healing, and you will, you will see them (your family) as worthless demons. Who enjoy your suffering. Which is what demons are. I still year for my families attention, especially at this time when my aunts (#maybe mom) Funeral was a week ago and I couldn’t go because I was sick. I want you to use your new job to build that foundation of success and build your life. Be more successful than any of them. I have become more successful than all of them. And I have the home and vehicle to prove it. It doesn’t make the pain any easier, but it makes a statement. I’m in grief if anyone finds my advice weird. ❤all my love hugs 🤗
I was cut off from my parents at the age of 7. Still lived in the "family" home, only had new clothes when the present ones fell off or were just too small, had to cook for myself, just basically ignored. My brother had a lot of brains, so he had to have all their attention and money. Not as bad as many in the video but still hurts now, even though they have been gone a while, who was the one who had to see to them in their old age? Yes, me.
Some of us just have to accept we lost the parent or family lottery . And it seems we just can't believe it - because what parents or family rejects a kid ? So we keep trying BUT because they are the mentally ill people us trying doesnt help ! We just need to accept we didnt get a good family and learn to live without it !
Thank you for this one Anna, the regognision of this kind of abuse is just what I need. I wouldn't be suprised if lots of people need to hear this. Thanks 🌻
Josie, you have dealt with this amazingly, you are an inspiration for us all. What you have been able to accomplish and you are asking for what you need to do better! Thanks for sharing. I’m going to archive this video for when I need an example of someone overcoming hurt and harm. You are a real life Cinderella
I'm the youngest child & very fair skin long thick hair! I was left out a lot. It used to hurt me decades ago. I refuse to allow anyone to hurt me by keeping their love from me. I have GOD'S love. That young lady needs to let go of trying to get her family to love her. Seek the heart of GOD!!!
Me too. I'm fair skinned and have been treated terribly by every other family member. The memories are so shocking that they feel like yesterday. I pray to God at 35 that He sends me a husband to heal my emotional trauma. But this day and age everything has changed. I can't find a good guy that I can connect with anywhere. 😢
My intuition showed me that my adult kids are following their fathers path of finding the scapegoat (me)for their lack of self love 😮 So it’s their behaviour and I don’t take responsibility for their judgments or actions This pattern of being rejected and abused has followed me all my life. I’m working on improving my self awareness and self love ❤️
Josie you are so brave!!! I been wanting to write Anna but you just did for me! thank you!!! Im 42 years old now! Im so glad for UA-cam thank GOD!!!! for all this amazing channels and all this amazing people sharing so much love and healing!!!! I am coming to the conclusion with love and compassion (for her) that I grew up with a Narcissist Mother! I started to follow Crappy Childhood fairy and really saw many of life paterns explain as CSPTSD however I grew up in a pretty nice looking house, mom, dad, the outside was so shiny but not the inside. There was so much pain and confussion but pretty things and fancy holidays at the same time and some actions that coul look like she cared here and there... My mom dosent drink, she smokes a lot for as long as I can remember! So I couldnt figure out from where my CPTSD came from. Not until I read, heard information about the scape goat child, and it was like having my life tell to me by a stranger!!! Never ever my life made so much sense as it does now! Im just so thankful for all this tools available here, thank you Fairy !!! and this safe space!!! and learning there are many of us out there and that my feelings are not wrong and were never wrong!!! Our survival instinct kept us alive for a reason so we can truly live!!! Big hug soul sister!!!! Muchísisimas gracias for this video !!!!
oh, josie. my god. my birth family was effed up, but yours is a whole other level of effed up. YOU, on the other hand, are a SUPERSTAR. YOU survived, YOU are healing, YOU are learning to be kinder to yourself than your birth family ever was. YOU from the tenderest, earliest age KNEW that YOU deserved LOVE and GIFTS and TREATS and FUN and LEARNING. the truth is that YOU STILL DO! we here all love you and are thrilled that you are here among us so that we can love you as you deserve! xoxoxoxoxoxo
This lady’s story is similar to my own. And yes, I did have a different dad! It’s scary that this kind of abuse can go unnoticed because there aren’t any physical scars.😢😢😢 She is still young, so I’m hopeful for her. I realized later in life that my parents were obviously mentally ill. So, my other siblings also suffered in different ways. At the age of 70, I have very limited contact with family members because no one had sought any help with mental/emotional illness.
I went through this. This still keeps happening to me as an adult whenever I try to form meaningful relationships. Oh gosh I have tried and tried to find healthy minded people to connect with, but I can never find them anywhere for over 30 years. It doesn't stop following me around no matter how much I try to avoid it. I just don't know to ever heal the emotional wounds when they keep getting salt poured on them by others throughout life.
Also an oldest girl who took care of 3 younger sibs and my crazy mother. We were all neglected, but I was also treated like a rival and molested by my parents’ friends. Now I do very well professionally, but not so much romantically. I broke up a few months ago with a guy who was like a cross between my parents. Love and light to you Josie. Love yourself and put yourself first! That’s what I’m trying to learn. 💕💕💕
I discovered older in life and after therapy…..that we attract toxic friends/partners that match our family dynamics….need to heal the broken part first before having friends or partners…that story is so sad and I can relate….I think we do the delusional technique to protect our selves as an escape from the trauma because it would be too painful to accept reality Remember: Just because they say I am, does not make it so.
I agree with the sentiment of joining the ACoA fellowship. I love it there. There are wonderful podcasts online (such as the Adult Child podcast) if you want to dip your toes in. Reading the 14 laundry list traits is also a good place to start.
How heartbreaking. The very best to Josie on the new job. She is a legend to have come through that and to have kept an open heart. I would wish from the depths of my heart that she takes Anna"s advice and creates her own loving space with a family of her own. I would also wish that she learns to let go of the awful festering questions that goes with this one child in a family being cast in the role of servant or somehow beholden to the family system - and that is 'what was wrong with me' or "what did I do wrong". It is a horrible thing to do to a child - that is all. I do think - though it is not always possible in people's living situations - that pets can sometimes help to accustom a body to open loving relationship. Miuch love and thriving to Josie ❤
My heart breaks for you. 😢 you are worth so much more than the treatment and behavior they use to control and abuse you. I pray you get so busy with your new job, the new friends you are going to meet, and the new positive life you have built that you don't even have time to think about those cruel people! You got this! Go build the kind of life you want to live! You are twice the woman any of them could ever be. I wish we lived close by each other. I bet you would be an amazing friend.
What a sad story with Josie. My late parents are long gone and I was a change of life baby and an only child. I lost a brother when he was four months old and I only vaguely remember seeing him once. In retrospect, I think my father was a grandiose narc and my mother a chronic depressive and perhaps a covert narc. I got nothing but criticism which left me with no direction in a “career” or ambition. I’m learning about emotional neglect. Clearly, it sounds like Josie was terribly scapegoated and sidelined with “colorism” victimization. As evidence of her health issues she’s had to endure carrying herself and dealing with neglect. Why do so many families do this?! It sounds like Josie was sacrificed and the parents were just mean and internalized their insecurities externally onto her. Unfortunately, like us all we have to try to put ourselves together the rest of our lives when we largely feel discarded and lost. I hope Josie’s doing better. Thank you for her story.
I went mostly 95% no contact ..with rest my immediate family since my narcisstic mom died in 2018 ..her death was my final liberation from all most trianglation ,gaslighting and other B.S..I HAD TO WAIT MY WHOLE LIFE ..until she died ..me 57 ..my life pretty much over ..my narcisstic dad .still alive ..but ..again i just pretty much shut all out ..even though now that ive FINALLY HEALED MOST MY PATTERNS AND GOT IRON CURTAIN BOUNDARIES ..ITS TOO late to get a REAL LIFE AT THIS POINT ..TOO MUCH DAMAGE ..IM 62 NOW..BROKE AS HELL ON DISABILITY LAST 18 YEARS FROM CHRONIC C-PTSD AND live with my grown AUTISTIC SON ..we roomates ..both SOO DAMAGED from narcisstic family dynamics ..we both feel stuck ..living with each other just to survive out rest our life ..😢. We both realize what happen ..but really nothing you can undo ...we split our bills ..and live pretty much both introverted and isolated to ourselves..too ling story to go into ..
This letter resonates hard with me. The indifference is worse than love or hate. Cut the cord. It takes alot of attempts, but once you are free from them, you'll be in a healthier place. My parents don't love me, but they love the other kids. They hate the truth tellers!❤
I hope this woman perseveres. I don't think she will ever find what she needs from within her family. It hurts less when you go no contact. It is easier to accept and let go.
Josie, I am cheering you on! 💗 You are so special and your parents didn’t deserve you. There are kind-hearted people out there who do deserve to have you in their lives!
I literally felt this in my gut. Literally shifting tensions in my gut. Wow, THANK YOU FOR YOUR COURAGE TO SHARE!!! YOU HAVE MY FULL SUPPORT. It will be an easy transition the hard part is actually already over!
This situation is far too common and many in the world are willfully ignorant of the damage this causes. Healing is the ultimate rebellion. Keep rockin ❤
Thank You...Same to you! ❤🎉👏🏾
A councillor once told me " You are not needy, you are just asking the wrong people. "
My mom always chose my cousin over me. She took her on vacation and left me at home with relatives. When I was a little older I brought it up to my mom and said 'I know you always liked my cousin better'. She reached out and slapped my face. To me that was confirmation. I got hit because I was telling the truth. This still affects me to this day. I broke off all the contacts with my family. I just had to 😢
Oh, they HATE truth tellers!
Good work stay away and stay blessed 🙌🙌
Totally my mom. Wow.
Same, my mother slapped me across the face and then kicked me out of the house at 16 when I called her out on what she was doing (sleeping around and not coming home, leaving me alone to watch my younger siblings). She still blames me for "being too disrespectful" to this day. Incidentally, she also would go out to do that partying with my older cousin, as well.
I strongly suspect that your “ cousin” was actually your sister. Your mother slapped you for exactly the reason you stated; you told her the truth. How dare you ! I had a similar experience in a totally different situation. I congratulate you on starting a life that does not include your mother or any family member who does not value you as would be a normal expectation. I will share s secret with you. I am old and it is the time in my life when my parents have died. They lived to be in their early nineties. At last I could stop trying to find love and affirmation from them! It’s done, over, buried and I can have peace.
What the hell. I don't say this often but her family angered me.
My family played games like that too. I tried to "pretend" I had a real family and wasted decades. Tell this wonderful lady to move on and rebuild her life with people who care for her.
Grieve for us. The world is round.They dont deserve your friendship. We will not be there ro wittness rest assured Abusive &callus Behaviors like they have will affect their own putrid life's for sure.
Amen. At 63 I finally walked away from treatment like this woman faced from my family. And Anna hit the nail by saying the siblings picked up on the way the mother treated her. That’s what happens. The parents have this “issue” (for me I wasn’t the boy they wanted after 2 girls) and the negativity toward the child is picked up on by the siblings and that’s where scape goats come from. Walk away. It won’t change. The way my family treated me after the death of my oldest son showed me once and for all to leave it behind. I heard God tell me “you are free” after my father screamed at me for the last time. He beat on us as kids and screamed like that all the time so hearing it again at 62 was the end. No more. Make a “framily” girlfriend. And put your energy into them.
This is what my siblings continue today, years after the dysfunctional parents are gone. The scapegoating and dysfunction is intergenerational abuse.
My own young adult children , all 3 of them, (I was a single mom after a heartbreaking divorce when they were but babies) have bought into my own toxic families scapegoat dialog. They have rejected me and become indifferent after being brainwashed by my parents when I wasn't present to defend myself. Now they think I'm not good enough either. I was a very involved and unabusive and dedicated and loving mother. They don't even express their reasoning... they just ignore me and act so indifferent about me as a human being. It is so hurtful, I tried so hard to have my own family of me and my own children loving and kind and connected. But either I am a failure ot I am not worthy. There's no hope.
@@ImaginarySusan that is heartbreaking, not fair and makes no sense. But I’ve experienced some of the estrangement you’re describing and family betrayal. It’s surprising how common this issue is. Joshua Coleman is a psychologist who dealt with his own child estrangement and runs a website and online support services for parents dealing with these painful situations. He’s very compassionate and the information helped me understand a lot more about what is going on and support for myself. I’m sorry you’re going through this-it is very difficult and disappointing. The confusion about “why” took a lot of energy and was not resolved. There has been some improvements but not completely resolved or the original intent/dream. Hugs 🤗
@llkellenba hugs and gratitude to you too. I'm going to find his vids.
@ImaginarySusan I was the forgotten child and scapegoat. When my son was 3 years old, my mother got distracted and careless for a few minutes - distracted by the golden child. My hackles went up and I became aware that she could start treating my son as she had treated me. I moved across the country within a few months. Your kids will not be around forever; love them as much as you can. For your own serenity, I suggest you put some space between you and your parents. You have very little to gain from them and a lot of pain in store.
DITO
Now that I realize the damage my parents did to me growing up, I have such contempt for them. They caused my brain to be wired wrong and healing from it is so hard
Had this same thought/realization yesterday!! 🤗💕💕💕
Delayed realization. Same with me.
The first step to fixing a problem is recognizing it. With time, we are able to improve and become healthier. It's very hard to get on the road of life with bad guides, but once we're adults, we can learn to take the wheel and move on. 🙏💖
I agree. I do too. They are contemptuous people. If we weren't related I would never talk with them for long
So interring I am the same way. How are you wired wrong?
The best thing is to treat toxic family members as business partners by only talking about superficial things and never expect anything from them. Invest on making friends who will be close enough to replace family members.
❤
❤
It’s devastating. 😢as an adopted child, this hurts even worse. Being rejected twice. My looks, weight, anything was not okay . Being teased & humiliated unmercifully by family & peers. I thought of taking my life everyday for years. I ended up getting high and staying high starting at 13 years old. I’m sober now . Just recently- at 55
Congratulations on your sobriety and finding grace in you!!!
Being rejected once is enough. I'm sorry you were treated that way twice. Your sobriety is very encouraging to me. I'm 37 and currently 4 months sober and it can be difficult some days. Thanks for sharing and I hope you're in a more peaceful place now.
💝
My hope for you is one day soon you will see those messages are just not true - it’s literally about them …in nature when a shark is wounded the other sharks will attack. As Anna says when you have that ah ha moment that you are not all of those things there will be a volcano of emotions- rage sadness …plot twist…forgiveness is the key 🔐. Keep chipping away - do the practice and keep listening and one day the light will find room to shine in and reveal what you need to heal and move forward. I’m 54 - with ya on this path. 🙂✌🏻
Congratulations for your sobriety! It is hard work, I know.
Josie, you are not alone. I actually don't think there's anything unusual about what you've endured. It's very common for families to pick one child and pour all their (self)loathing and hatred onto them, blame them for everything, make them feel responsible for things they are NOT responsible for. Projecting their internalized shame about race, poverty, etc onto you, the scapegoated child. You are not alone. You can overcome this toxic family of origin and find professional success and find healthy relationships. You are FREE, I hope you are empowered by that. You are NOT who they say you are, you are a Child of God! You are JOSIE! 💗
Yes, you are JOSIE! Proud and true! ✨
It reminds me of a tale by Ursula Leguinn: The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas
Spot on analysis on scapegoating
Especially if one is the eldest child!
This Is deeper than most!!
I have never felt more enraged at the injustices done to this woman. I'm only a few minutes in, and I would stop listening completely if it weren't for the fact that this woman deserves to be heard and seen. I know I will be crying by the end. This letter writer deserved so much better. I don't have the words to express the intensity of my feeling of protectiveness for our writer.
Thank you for sharing your kindness towards the letter-writer.
Nika@TeamFairy
Catfish.
When I said 'my family hate me", my Church Lady Aquaintence said " NOT TRUE!" & I said, " your Lucky_ naive!"""
@@CrappyChildhoodFairycatfish? I don't understand
Josie, you are so loved by all of us here. I too was treated as an indentured servant, denied medical coverage & care (by my Registered Nurse Mother), excluded from family events. I tried to "kill them with kindness" and at one point my Mother admitted that she was intentionally malicious to me, which I knew. My siblings were conditioned to see me as their servant sadly. I hope you know that you are a good person, you have overcome so much! Congratulations on the new job. I'm job searching myself so I know how important it is plus we get some type of validation from work that we didn't get in our "family of origin." I hope you find people who you can trust. Please be kind to yourself, we all want the best for you. Bless you
❤
Josie, you have been through incredible pain and hardship. Your resilience to fund your own birthdays/Christmases and HEART medication tells me you are a freaking Lion! The mental capacity to do that is NOT, I repeat NOT in everyone.
You were LOVING YOU.. AND you were very literally looking after your heart. My God girl!! You are a freaking Lion.. stop mixing with turkeys and hoping to fit in. They sheltered you to adulthood, and now you are FREE. Be you. A Lion. Form your pride, use that will of yours to create fabulous experiences!
This new job is gonna be AWESOME because YOU believe in and love yourself (Fact), and are seeking healthy attachments. Nothing wrong with you, and as my therapist told me only yesterday, " the past is over and it is like a compost pile behind your back - and sometimes you can reach into that compost pile, pull out a handful and use it to grow something decent".
You are a Lion.. now go live your best life.
Hope this helps, I wish you the very best. Love and hugs. ❤
I have left much of my birth family behind because of the generational traumas they couldn’t admit and address. MY family are those who support me through my health issues, whether I’ve met them in person or not. Anna is family now and so are all of her followers.
Same. My mom was a nurse and her medical insurance was free from the hospital, but I would have cost her $80 a month. It was for any and all dependants up to 10. But because I was one person, and not 10 people, it wasn't worth it to her.
That’s got to be one of the strongest people I’ve ever heard of.
I would say to her “it’s definitely not you.”
I’m so glad she moved a thousand miles away from them. Wish she could move a thousand moons away.
“They don’t deserve you.” 💚
I really love that you read the whole letter, no matter how long. Its beautiful that you let the writer freely express all these things they've probably kept inside their whole lives.
agreed ❤❤
I would get a DNA test if you want the truth of why they were so bad to you. No matter the result, you are a precious soul and deserve so much more. I’m rooting for you!
I relate to this totally. My younger sisters said they always thought that I wasn't really my mother's daughter, but maybe an illegitimate child of my aunt. I actually sent for my birth certificate to make sure. I was more like a hated servant that they had to let live there. When I was eighteen, I cried to my father that she hated me, and he said he knew. This crushed me at a very vulnerable time. He always knew, and ignored it.
I’m horribly sorry.
I was sexually abused since I was 5 to 16. Everyone knew, his wife knew. They tried to paint me as a scatter brain loudmouth. I know through counciling they tried to make me not believable. I learned at 32 that they all knew!!! That family was doing foster care and they had a little girl they were fostering who reminded me of pictures of myself at 5, she was like looking at a younger version. I had nightmares, I told my counselor who told me I had to tell the social worker. I just couldn't do it alone. She did it for me , hardest thing I ever did. Best thing I ever did. It gave me my power back.
@@annabrahamson4320 absolutely abhorrent behavior by adults! I’m sorry that happened to you.
One time I was driving my grama to the store. She was looking at me really crazy, so I asked her what was wrong. She said " it's just so strange to see you driving. I never thought of you as a real person before.'
That's totally weird, and I relate 100%
Holy cow! That is bizarre.
@@MCat-yv3hl it was so weird. Especially because I was their main caregiver. Not just someone who lived far away that they never saw.
This gives me heavy narc vibes! It’s super creepy and weird, and is abs something a narcissist would say as they see us as objects, not people. I’m so sorry, you deserve better, esp after being their main caregiver😢❤
That is so messed up. I’m so sorry
I want to give you a giant hug Josie 🤗 You are such a beautiful soul!
I disconnected from my family of origin. If they disregulate you- You owe them nothing. Pour the love you are giving them in droves, into yourself. Reparent that little girl inside, she needs you more than they ever will. You can do this ❤
❤❤❤❤
What you wrote is beautiful, it helped me ❤
@@Theowlhawkme as well. Almost two years no contact from my mom and siblings and these stories resonate and help me tremendously to realize I’m not alone.
Me too! And I am old- but totally will reparent my inner child & show her the love she NEVER will get from my family
As an abused child, I have been through this: you have to stop basing your self worth on the way fools who don't know how to love treat you. These people are all seriously cruel and damaged and you are going to let them make you feel bad about yourself? You need to get rid of these people and find good people in your life. I looked after my parents when they were old but mostly I minimised my contact with them, didn't take any input into my life. I also have three abusive siblings who I cut contact with. If they are not sorry and not willing to change, then lose them. Unfortunately most people are damaged and selfish to an extent, you have to make sure you are better than that and create your own self image. EVERYBODY is worthy of love, no exceptions, but you have to believe it.
Thank you for taking the time to share your encouragement for the letter-writer!
Nika@TeamFairy
Also an eldest daughter. Not an immigrant… but so much of Josie’s story is close to my own, and especially that delusional need to make everything okay and justified and always excusing and forgiving everyone. I’m crying so much and have so much love for this friend and kindred spirit I’ve never met. You’re not alone, Josie. I understand your sweetness and sugarcoating to survive. Thank your for sharing your story because now I feel less alone as well. 💕
It’s SCAPEGOATING. I’m oldest of 4 girls. Identify with a lot of what this woman describes in childhood. One sister was dark haired and dark eyed and there were weird references to her appearance. Rest of siblings our mom and dad were all light haired and eyes. My maternal grandmother had dark hair-and my aunt did also but my mom her sister, was blonde with green eyes. Heard late in life from my Aunt she had felt discriminated towards due to her darker hair/eyes. Yes, my family held pretty Racist beliefs. I heard the mutters and complaints. My dad was overt and awful racist. Learned recently our DNA has a bit of West African heritage in area where slave trade had been active. How interesting and IRONIC is that!?
It took me decades to realize I cannot create connections with my family that they don’t have the capacity, awareness or desire for. Yes GRIEF is the result of finally getting that I’m not going to be a valued member of my biological family. It was set up that way. Still it is sad. And lonely. Isolation is the go to safe haven but it’s not healthy or sustainable long term.
@@ccdm515 yes absolutely true that hair and eye color can vary widely-so many different ancestors and genes. It is weird and new to my mind that so many people/families carry these concerns or judgements about coloring. I was naive about how these ideas and beliefs about color are so prevalent. And being educated in genetics I already understood how variations are possible and normal. A lot of myths about physical traits and what they mean circulating in families.
@@ccdm515 Oh my goodness. My mom often told the story of how, despite my parents being dark haired and dark eyed, I was born blonde haired and blue eyed (now my hair is brunette and my eyes are darker green, but I grew up blonde with blue eyes), and people would actually comment so inappropriately on it! They would say things like, "Was it the milk man? The mail man?" My mom often said she actually taught me to say, "Recessive genes!" as some of my first words. My looks haven't actually been a factor in my trauma, but I know my cousin said more than once that his siblings who looked more like their dad were abused more (by their dad), and the ones who looked more like their mom were the favorites. I mean, when people are that irrational and crazy, there is just no understanding it! We can get our needs met and not go to people who were and are incapable of meeting our needs.
It wasn't until I finally sat down and went through all the levels of malicious neglet that I realised it was indeed personal. That was the terrible thing...to realise that I needed to get out of the family picture, to remove myself so the others could enjoy their lives without me interfering with their family unit. The letter you read hit so close to home. My heart goes out to her and others who suffer through this but find their way to a happy life of light and love!
Thank you for watching and for your kind words towards the letter-writer!
Nika@TeamFairy
This just made me cry. I've been shunned as well and I am the same with the friends and a partner. It's just more of the same over and over again. I have accepted being shunned though, which is different from this person. I was recently invited me to a family wedding. I said no. I'm going to just accept that this is what happened. It's very painful though. I think it would be good to see a group for people who have been shunned. There is one in the UK called StandAlone, but they don't have many places. I got onto the group once and it did help to say it out loud. It did really help. I was one of the few people who was totally untethered though. Most people had found a family of their own. I think it's so painful because you have to hide it, or you feel like you have to hide it. Big hug for this woman. A great big hug. xxx
~Good for you for turning down the wedding invite!~I turned down an offer to visit, knowing it would be stressful beyond anything i wanted to endure~I know ive been shunned, regardless of their patronizing invite~
Heart break is not just from a romantic partner or spouse....but it's soul shattering when 'family' or 'relatives' break your heart....😢
I get why Josie is still wanting to hold onto her family - even with all the abuse and dismissiveness she has received from them ( especially her mother....), she will one day realise that her energy and the amazing capacity she has for love, will be received by people more deserving of it - and starts to direct it towards them.
I too have had to 'cut off' away and from maternal relatives after I learnt who they were ( a year after my mother's passing)- yes it hurts, it's painful and at times confusing when society and people around us are chanting 'family/family/family/' as if it's sacred when it's not after receiving so much abuse and neglect. But as soon as Josie puts herself first, and starts to keep herself at distance from them, preserving her whole being , her health and body will thank her for it - the body knows.
A good therapist said „the first heartbreak of your life you experience with your mother.“
It's actually worse than romantic heartbreak, I'd say! :(
And it sets you up and primes you for romantic heartbreak, too. I'd rather have my heart torn apart by a narcissistic dude than by my own mother.
@@Analysis_Paralysis it is worse because you know that eventually eventually you'll get over whatever man broke your heart. But you're only ever going to have that one mother.
@@SusanaXpeace2u Yes, very true.
App
I literally thought the healthcare story was going to lead to a different paternal parent reveal. I once saw an image of a garlic clove perfectly nestled in a mandarin with the caption, "Sometimes where you fit isn't always where you belong." That made me think of how in this case the family is draining and not adding to the quality of life here. I've been there. Sometimes people "need" to brainwash others into supporting their toxic behavior because it supports the false narrative they are telling themselves. Without the support of the family in this case, the mother would be more inclined to be held accountable for her actions. As long as a family believes abusive behavior is normal, the abuser feels safe to continue the abuse. It's part of their defense plan. Learning to nurture your own needs first, really being mindful with self-love, and self-care has really helped me. Super impressed with how positive this person has remained. You're doing great, Josie! Keep on keeping on. 💪 💙
I had similar but not as extreme. I have been no contact with the help of a trauma therapist for almost 10 years. In my experience, the negative effects from your family bleed into all relationships, including work. Most friends will be uncomfortable with your treatment. I had friends try to stand up for me and I rejected their help. It was awkward for everyone. I wasn't able to have truly healthy relationships including work until I went no contact with my family. It was so hard but now I can see the blessings in my life.
It’s like the main structure to be a stable productive person are not installed or they’re pulled out by those in power
Yes! And we chose partners and friends who continue the abusive behavior because that’s what we know.
The darker skin thing is real. I’m imagining Arabic or middle eastern. I’m 2nd generation of a country near there and my mother was constantly told nobody would marry her bc of her nose, how dark she was, etc. A baby who was light skinned was coveted. I also was called out for my darkness but it was balanced by some beauty found in it, despite being in a world of blue/green eyed blondes. My heart goes out to you, Josie. You are worthy of love.
Dear sweet Josie, we in this community, know your very existence on this earth means you are absolutely worthy of all of our love and respect. I have experienced similar abuse, neglect as you, from my family of origin, began with my mom until she died when I was 32 and my dad until he died 4 years ago (I'm 62), you fight like hell, for yourself, find that community, make loving friendships, chose your new family now that you have the tools and the understanding. I do mourn for the family I thought I had, yes, however I absolutely celebrate the family of my choosing now.
I was always looked at 2nd best when compared to my older sister....instead of celebrating my difference as being creative and out of the box...I was ridiculed as being unruly and not up to the standard of being better than.....In a sense I got my payback. I surprised them by retiring from a job with pension and medical benefits. I stayed at a job that was a "dilbert" kind of job...but now that I am retired I have the option of exploring my creative ambitions. I also am working on my physical, emotional and spiritual life to continue this endeavor. No one can tell me I am ever too old...😆
Rise from the ashes like bird phoenix. Always loved the symbolism of phoenix and how it was displayed in Harry potter movies.... so much hope and gentleness
I had a mother like that. In fact, the whole family was toxic. I've found that the farther away I can get from them, the better. Out of five of us, only my sister is left. She's in Michigan; I'm in Florida. That's far enough away.
I’m in Washington DC and my brother is in Japan. We got as far away from our family as possible. They’re in Calgary.
I can relate Josie. I was the oldest daughter of my mom and step dad for 14 years. Along come my two bothers and guess who’s a second mom. Looking back everything was just given to them. Still to this day they are supported. I am the outcast who had the problem.
Find friends and make them your family. I’ve struggled with wanting my parents to see me. At 53 it’s still not happening.
Best of luck to you. Remember you come first always. Make yourself the priority and others second. You’ll be much happier.
Thank you for your post. Your situation as a child matches mine. As the oldest child, My parents treated me like a hostage slave., Bottle washer, diaper changer, maid, and punching bag. There's nothing you can do to ever inspire love or cate from these cruel people. Your advice is so appreciated.
I’ve come back to this video several times since you posted it. I hope Josie knows she’s not alone. I have this same family situation with very slight differences
This makes me so sad. How do you leave one of your children out? Like they aren’t important. Like they’re invisible. My heart breaks for you josie...you deserve love and you dont have to do or be any anything to be worthy of love. You’re worthy.
Your encouragement for the letter-writer is so valuable. Thank you for your comment.
Nika@TeamFairy
Also the oldest daughter (of 5) from an immigrant family. No contact is the best way to go. You can shape-shift yourself to try to fit into these people’s version of “right” or “perfect” but it won’t ever be enough.
This is a very timely video for me, but my situation is slightly different. I’m in my 50s with older sisters, one significantly so. In our family, my mom is a narcissist, my oldest sister is the scapegoat, and the middle one is the golden child. I’m the textbook invisible child. I’ve had a host of bad physical and mental health issues. After weeks of mulling over sending my sisters a video of doctor Gabor Mate’, who teaches that traumatic childhood experiences can cause these issues later in life, I finally sent it to them in a group text. They stopped communicating with me after that. They shunned me for 5 weeks. One of them used my birthday last week to wish me a happy birthday and then get on my back about the video, etc. After talking to both of them, I was basically informed that they shunned me for 5 weeks because they love me and are concerned about me. I actually laughed at how absurd that is. They showed me what I needed to see - who they really are, and I’m finally done. They’ve watched me struggle, literally for decades, and refuse to believe that there’s a chance that the way I was treated in my life has caused my health problems, and chronic unemployment. They want to perpetuate the ridiculous family myth that everything was fantastic when we were kids and even beyond. I actually feel a sense of relief.
oh same, my mother puts her head to one side and says she's worried about me, and hwo does she express that concern?? By shutting me down and giving me the silent treatment.
Please go no contact!!!! These people will always hurt you, they will never love you!!!
Anna, I had to share my experience because I’ve experienced something similar growing up and am grieving my maternal relationship currently. Like this sweet woman, I could write a book but just to speak to this dynamic- it’s colorism. It is very much rooted in internalized racism, as you mentioned, and it’s VERY common in many families of color. My sister and I were always compared bc I was browner than she was and my hair was courser and kinkier. I grew up hearing my parents argue over which one of them my sister got her beauty from (each claiming it from their genes) while simultaneously arguing over where I got my “inferior” qualities from (each claiming it came from the other parent’s genes). It put us in constant competition. And to this day, my favorite Aunt is the only relative who praised me equally for my beauty bc she was very fair and thought my “cocoa complexion” was gorgeous. She still calls me her “beautiful brown skin girl” while kissing both cheeks and cupping my face in her hands.
I’m also going through the grieving process of accepting that my parents “loved me less” and have been since my sister’s passing 5 years ago now. I thought they just loved her more, but their treatment remained just as bad as ever after she died. That made me realize it wasn’t about loving her more, but not loving me at all. They excluded my other siblings (half siblings technically) and I from the decisions around my sister’s estate, including what of her belongings and keepsakes we kept while letting me plan her memorial arrangements, set up funding for her burial, and even be the literal bearer of bad news to everyone we knew that my sister had died in a terrible wreck. She let me take all the trauma and excluded me and my siblings from the healing. So I hate to say it, but I had to accept that my mother is a covert narcissist most likely, with my father being the overt kind. They both share similar distaste for me that manifests in entirely different ways but all from selfishness. It’s a horrible feeling and now that I’m grown and struggling as a small business owner, it’s the most difficult thing having them feign concern to keep up appearances of being good parents while not even bothering to support me in any tangible way. I’m devastated and experiencing horrible stomach troubles over it because I’m having to tell little me that Mom and Dad didn’t love her but just loved what having her around did for their lives and reputations.
I also have felt shunned and ignored as a child. I have since lost my mother and I have a lot of anger, mixed feelings and so on. I have actually been told so many things like I should get over it, see a therapist etc. I don't have many friends and can't trust anyone. I often feel alone and I truly believe no one cares.
We care! We understand and we care. I can relate. I feel very alone in life, no partner, no children. I'm trying to make new friends, it's very up and down. I'm out of work too which is another source of stress but I'm starting my job hunt this week. I found a good therapist who is definitely helping. I've found volunteering and support groups plus gardening and the gym/exercise helps. And journaling every day. We just have to give ourselves the love we didn't receive and never give up on ourselves.
I don't have any friends, family, spouse, partner, or children. I thrive on solitude and become manic when around people for too long. I find joy in caring for animals. You don't need to see a therapist or join a group or make friends if you find these things stressful. Find your own peace and joy whatever that may be to you.
That was too hard to listen to... What a brave woman she turned out to be after all the abuse she endured.
I also think that she may be from a different origin (another father). That would explain a lot!
But anyways I just wanted to send love to her. She's clearly a beautiful soul and shines with her own light. I hope she can create a beautiful circle and a loving family. ❤
Oh my dear girl, hearing your life story made me want to hug you so tight. The fact that you have emerged from your childhood with your spirit intact is a testament to your internal strength.
Nothing you were told and believed as a child was true. You always deserved to be loved, cherished, and taken care of, just like any other child. You shouldn't have been made to believe that you had to earn their love.
You deserve all the good things in life, and it's not too late for you to find your tribe, to find people who will love you for YOU.
❤❤BIG HUGS❤❤
Your encouragement for the letter-writer is so valuable. Thank you for your comment.
Nika@TeamFairy
Josie, I just have to say I’m also the eldest daughter in an immigrant household and even though I didn’t have your experience, I can tell you that I am also a master of self delusion and beginning to see my family for who they really are. What you need to accept is that the only person you have control over is yourself…other people only change if they want to change, and you cannot make them to want to change. So just choose yourself and your own happiness and accept that the validation you need the most is your own. You don’t need their validation. You are amazingly strong and brave just by being self aware enough to have written that very clear letter. You are your own mother and father and you can love yourself and give yourself the love you need. Sending you a hug and lots of admiration and love. ❤
Sending love dearest lady - after 64 years of trying to fix my family it occurred to me that I never had a mother - I gave up - I took the love and caring I had left and mothered myself - your letter is full of compassion - you posses great beauty - there is a special place for you on this earth
I really hope Josie is able to end the contact to her family or to keep them at a very low contact level. As long as you value those people very highly, that see no value in you at all, you are complicit in devaluing yourself (or in thinking it is okay to treat you that way). I know this from my own experience with my narcissistic mother. I know it is hard to let go. But as long as they are there, the devaluing will continue and you have to use up so much of your energy, just to counter their attacks, that you will have less of your energy for your life, your job, your hobbies, future friends or partners, for your healing process etc. I really think you need all energy thats left in you to heal and to rebuilt a new life for yourself, a nice life, filled with love and friends and with real birthday gifts, with people who care about you when you are sick etc. I wish you all the best. feel hugged.
Yes that is a good word : "Complicit"
This might sound dumb, and not be for everyone, but for me dogs were a great way to realize that i deserved love. The dog loved me even if I came home a bit late, and was never angry with me. It helped me see, that there was nothing wrong with me, it was them.
Later, I did also find a partner, who loves the same way a dog does ❤
I was treated this way, but not to the extent of Josie. My family just did not see me as a human being. I was some kind of object to be scapegoated and dumped on. There was no respect for my personhood or attention to my needs. Similar to when your mother said that she couldn’t picture you with a family, as if you are some kind of alien other who doesn’t do what other people do. It’s a strange type of othering of a person that really breaks the spirit.
Yes. Well said, Exactly this.
Wow I’ve had a lot happen to me as a child but my heart broke for her❤
!6:33 "What's the word for this kind of abuse?" Sadistic.
Josie, it sounds like lack self-worth is one of the tendrils of doubt and fear that is keeping you bond and restricted. I endured a very similar childhood, immigrant family, only girl and also the black sheep/scape goat the family. I spent a lot of time reprogramming myself. One method that I learned to go this was to acknowledge the fear that came up in any given situation and deny its power over me. After denying the fear power you affirm the qualities you wish to embody and then take action. Take actionable steps toward the emotional or physical goals you have. I repeated this process a hundred times for several different problems I faced and I am able to have a coherent and even ok relationship with a family who spent most of my life treating me like dirt. Its not because I understand and accept them but because I understand and accept myself. You are worthy of love, affection and success because you are a valuable member of this world.
My advice for whatever it’s worth is this , not all of us get the family we want & deserve, you can’t change the past & you’re never going to get what you need from your family, what you can do is to find a family of your own, your soul tribe your community. Family doesn’t have to be blood related. Find people you CAN have meaningful connections with. I wish you lots of happiness & ❤️.
Thank you for sharing this. -Calista@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy you’re welcome.
All of the stories shared on this channel are sad, but this one really affected me. I’m so sorry this woman is experiencing all this. 😢 Her family sound incredibly malevolent. Sending her love and hugs from all the way here in Australia. ❤
Thank you for watching and for sharing your kind words for the letter-writer.
Nika@TeamFairy
Poor sweetheart, you are not alone in this. I also suffered from a horrible set of parents. Never ever got their support or love. And everything they did to me was my own fault so I was told. And my stories are as awful as yours. Now I am a lot older than you so for me having my own family is not possible. But you can and will. Surround yourself with a good partner and lots of mini you. Because the world needs people who where raised by a good mother as you will be. I have faith in you ❤
I experienced much of the same life as the lady you spoke of.
Advice: I'd found a therapist who had me use a tennis racket and hit pillows saying what angered me about things they did like nor celebrating my birthday but they made big deals for my 3 other siblings. Getting out the anger is very important. Getting it straight, in the physical world, that what they did was never right, good or fair. Get it straight in your head. Turn it around that you were very wronged, Josey. Once you do, you can find good people in your life. I finally found someone at 41 years of age.
The worst is when you figure anyone who does like you and treat you well must be a loser too. All you want is to belong with the many other abusers, or whatever you call these people, in your life.
Josie, we don’t know you in person, but I can attest that based on the beautiful, beautiful soul that the words and sentiment your letter contains, it is SO easy to love you. It is my firm belief you incarnated into this difficult circumstances to prove yourself and, particularly, everyone else, that the God that resides in each of us is Pure Love. My best wishes. You deserve all the love anyone can send you, and much more. Thank you for setting this amazing example of endurance and self-love to those who suffer much less dramatic, but still traumatic, circumstances.
I see you Josie and understand what you’re going through. What a strong and beautiful person you are. I’m sending you love and continued strength. You’ve got this!
Oh Josie, you are valuable and worthy of love! I’m so glad you reached out for help.
Thank you for sharing this! -Calista@TeamFairy
I was the scapegoat but never knew it despite every one of my past friends telling me so. Ignored from the get go and until nc I’d have nightmares. One time I dreamed I passed out in front of them all and they walked over me and completely ignored my laying on the floor. In the dream I was screaming for help and they laughed and told me to, “stop making everything about you and being so dramatic. You’re always making things up.” It’s a shame this treatment isn’t a retro crime. The only way to see what they are doing to you is to get out. When you’re flailing in the water trying to keep from drowning there’s nothing in the peripheral to see. You can only see it when you get out. They sound jealous of you and your spirit.
When we're young and our parents are horrible to us, it doesn't feel safe to get mad at them. So we make excuses for them instead, blame ourselves, suppress our anger. As adults, though, we might have to get angry at all the stuff they did wrong, because that's an appropriate response. We can feel anger the same way we would if we saw someone hurting another innocent kid who wasn't us. It helps us reclaim our value. Everyone says, forgive them and move on. I had to un-forgive my parents before I could move on, and really allow myself to see what an awful job they did raising their children. I had to learn to say, "I had a very unhappy childhood." I was middle-aged before I could admit that out loud, but when I did, things started getting better. I pray for Josie to somehow be able to believe she is valuable and worthy of love, even though her parents were too sick to recognize what a wonderful child she was. It was them, Josie. It was never because of you.
Thank you for sharing your experience and support. Julie@TeamFairy
Well said. Thank you. The total powerlessness of an abused child means anger is out of the question. We don't get practice in any emoyions really, if emotions will do no good, and will distract us from what we need to do to stay alive, which will often be to be blankly accepting and show no pain
Yeah, after you un forgive them, then you have the power to forgive them.
I worked with a woman decades ago who came to work with lint in her hair. Out of all the staff , she was the only one who came to work disheveled. I talked to her one day and she said she was one of six children. She said she was the darkest child in the family. She said her mother taught her sisters how to take care of their hair but not her. She said her sisters would get new dresses but never her. She just broke my heart.
She was the scapegoat of the family, there was plenty of triangulation among siblings, both parents malignant narcissists, and she suffers cognitive dissonance, and loyal toxic parenting, she is still waiting to be loved and accepted by those bastards. I feel spool related to her, I was through the same abuse, still recovering....born an empath you are marked to this abuse, but once you overcome you get wiser, stronger and finally piece of mind is achieved...wish her soon recovery
Thank you for sharing your kind words for the letter-writer!
Nika@TeamFairy
Oh wow. Josie, you are an amazing person and you have gone through so much that no child should ever endure. I’m sending you love and big hugs! I just recently had to cut off my 88 year old mother. I’ve realized she was toxic at various points in my life but that pull of “magical thinking” kept me coming back to reconnect with her. Of course, it wasn’t a true connection. Finally, my mother said to me this past summer that she doesn’t consider me or my children her family. That was the final straw. And that woke me up to the fact that she has ALWAYS thought of me that way and why she treated me as awful as she did. I think that is what your family has done to you. You really aren’t family to them. They don’t treat you like family. It’s so hard to realize that you will never have a great family of origin. Luckily I did get married and have children so I now have family to love and rely on the way family is supposed to be. I wish the same for you and pray you find healing and love.
Thank you for sharing your encouragement for the letter-writer!
Nika@TeamFairy
I felt so sad for Josie listening to her story. I hope she can come to the realisation that her family will never change and that she is deserving of love, attention and every good thing.
Yep! My dad’s 3rd wife has done these types of things to me. Her mini me daughter (half sister) has been groomed to hate me. Family members have been turned away from me. My dad goes along and refuses to see them for who they really are. I was ostracized for over a decade. Left for dead. I got cancer and here they all came… in the guise of wanting to “help me.” Basically wanting all up in my business! I have gone “no contact” for my own health, peace & hapiness. Like you said, “Nobody who’s right in the head does this to their children.”
I can relate to the toxic fog interfering with my work. I used to have these scenerios and conversations playing in my head all hours of the day. Hoping to find the words that I could have said to get the love that I wanted from toxic family members. I ended up accepting that they are not capable of extending their love and grace to me. It hurts a lot. I cried so much and grieved the relationship that I wanted but could not have. It really helped me with those intrusive thoughts. They are coming up less often and I am more present in current time instead of reliving past memories over and over.
I hear you. Glad you are here now.
Nika@TeamFairy
Wow... just wow.... I am so inspired by her she sounds like such a capable and loving person, even after being treated so badly by the people she started her life with. Congrats on the new job and new chapter!!! "We have to maintain" 💯
Josie, My heart is breaking for you and I am in tears as I hear about the absolutely unthinkably horrible treatment you received and the thought of you sinking to your knees at work now. I so admire your inner strength and your capacity to love. It's the clearest sign that you are so much stronger than any of your abusers. Please know that we are all rooting for you! You deserve the very best that life has to offer! ❤
Josie- I want to share a Mother I have come to know that knowing this might help you. First of all I am so sorry for what you have been through. Look at how very strong your heart is to have endured all the neglect, disappointment, frustration and confusion. The pain of having a mother that never soothes or comforts is hard enough but one who inflicted such neglect is beyond difficult. So here’s what worked for me. Pray the rosary- just do it and see how your heart feels. Know that you are not alone and that you deserve a beautiful life filled with love, respect, protection and acceptance. You are not alone, look at how many comments- we are rooting for you💖💜💖💜😇💖💜💖
Al anon are my family, no judgement, i can show up as myself, its safe, a place to grow, human connection, we all go for coffee, there is comfort, respect, kindness.
Odd persons sometimes attend that are narcs.
I had to go no contact with family.
Miss my brother, he talks to mother daily, so i feel its an act of kindness not to engage with him , it would cause triangulation, not going there.
Love crapy fairy, healing listening to these videos highlights healing, awareness and care.
Much loves ❤ to everyone here.
Untreated post partum depression can explain a disconnected dysfunctional relationship with your mother. Also we ignore when the father has a post partum type reaction to becoming a parent. You deserved better. Seek support through CBT individual and group therapy. Put your energy into making friendships and belonging to a group not in your family. May you find the connection, love and care within your new relationships so you may heal from the heartless parenting you received.
Shocking!!! 🤯🤯🤯 You’re a beautiful soul to have survived this with a loving heart. Walk away from these poisonous, toxic individuals.
And I thought my extended family were bad, but Josie has been literally ABUSED. What a horrible way to treat an innocent person! Especially a child. Josie I am so sorry your family are so useless. ❤
Being far away from them is the best thing you can do!
There’s a reason my family lives in western Canada while I live in Washington DC and my brother lives in Japan. We’re both on record saying we’ll never move back.
Let them have their Gong show and enjoy your new life!
This woman sounds like an amazing human being. I hope she gets to the place she deserves.
They never going to give u what u want or need Josie.
Start your own family and give and get love from them.
I have no family and they treated me really crappy too. When you heal that hole THEY created, you will see that they do not deserve you or one minute of your time. Your better than that… you deserve way better than that.
They will never help you feel better about what they did.
We are here for you! You got this
I haven't been in touch with "family" for over 10 years. I heard from a cousin a year ago letting me know my father died (cancer). It felt like another form of abuse from them. You can reach out to let me know he died. He/they clearly knew he was dying, and he didn't give a crap about any goodbye/apology - so what is the point? I mourned that death years ago in all reality. It literally makes my heart hurt if I think about the complexity of what went down. It is bonkers that people I grew up with/had on a sort of pedestal, ended up being the ones who decided I wasn't worth it and I've believed them. It's on me to deal with it at this point, but when I start to explore everything wrapped up in that trauma it's too much and I put it back in the box. Until the next time. The cycles are further apart these days, which is nice, but what I would give to be done with it. I couldn't even watch this entire video. PTSD is so very real, and I need to find the strength to properly deal with it.
That sounds incredibly hard. You're in the right place and we're all here to support you :)
-Calista@TeamFairy
Being at ground zero is a blessing in disguise. You can begin new healthy traditions and belief systems that support your true value. Whoever is her friends and family in her next chapter will be grateful to have an incredible and sweet person in their lives. :)
Josie, what you went through makes my heart break because it sounds like my story. Although I’m not mixed, I was born out of wedlock. My mother hid her pregnancy with me, never had prenatal care, and my mom planned on giving a me away for adoption to her brothers wife, who is my Aunt, who also just died. I’m in grief over the pain my family caused me. The freak the thing, the horrible awful person who was the oldest of 13 and was beaten by Over jealous Religion and Catholicism. In many ways my life was like growing up as Carrie, the Steven King novel. I was treated that way by my family, and high school friends. What I can tell you at 43, is that rejection, hurt like hell. Still does. But it makes you one of the strongest women alive. When you get through healing, and you will, you will see them (your family) as worthless demons. Who enjoy your suffering. Which is what demons are. I still year for my families attention, especially at this time when my aunts (#maybe mom) Funeral was a week ago and I couldn’t go because I was sick. I want you to use your new job to build that foundation of success and build your life. Be more successful than any of them. I have become more successful than all of them. And I have the home and vehicle to prove it. It doesn’t make the pain any easier, but it makes a statement. I’m in grief if anyone finds my advice weird. ❤all my love hugs 🤗
I was cut off from my parents at the age of 7. Still lived in the "family" home, only had new clothes when the present ones fell off or were just too small, had to cook for myself, just basically ignored. My brother had a lot of brains, so he had to have all their attention and money. Not as bad as many in the video but still hurts now, even though they have been gone a while, who was the one who had to see to them in their old age? Yes, me.
Some of us just have to accept we lost the parent or family lottery . And it seems we just can't believe it - because what parents or family rejects a kid ? So we keep trying BUT because they are the mentally ill people us trying doesnt help ! We just need to accept we didnt get a good family and learn to live without it !
Thank you for this one Anna, the regognision of this kind of abuse is just what I need. I wouldn't be suprised if lots of people need to hear this. Thanks 🌻
Josie, you have dealt with this amazingly, you are an inspiration for us all. What you have been able to accomplish and you are asking for what you need to do better! Thanks for sharing. I’m going to archive this video for when I need an example of someone overcoming hurt and harm. You are a real life Cinderella
I'm the youngest child & very fair skin long thick hair! I was left out a lot. It used to hurt me decades ago. I refuse to allow anyone to hurt me by keeping their love from me. I have GOD'S love. That young lady needs to let go of trying to get her family to love her. Seek the heart of GOD!!!
Me too. I'm fair skinned and have been treated terribly by every other family member. The memories are so shocking that they feel like yesterday. I pray to God at 35 that He sends me a husband to heal my emotional trauma. But this day and age everything has changed. I can't find a good guy that I can connect with anywhere. 😢
My intuition showed me that my adult kids are following their fathers path of finding the scapegoat (me)for their lack of self love 😮
So it’s their behaviour and I don’t take responsibility for their judgments or actions
This pattern of being rejected and abused has followed me all my life. I’m working on improving my self awareness and self love ❤️
Josie you are so brave!!! I been wanting to write Anna but you just did for me! thank you!!! Im 42 years old now! Im so glad for UA-cam thank GOD!!!! for all this amazing channels and all this amazing people sharing so much love and healing!!!! I am coming to the conclusion with love and compassion (for her) that I grew up with a Narcissist Mother! I started to follow Crappy Childhood fairy and really saw many of life paterns explain as CSPTSD however I grew up in a pretty nice looking house, mom, dad, the outside was so shiny but not the inside. There was so much pain and confussion but pretty things and fancy holidays at the same time and some actions that coul look like she cared here and there... My mom dosent drink, she smokes a lot for as long as I can remember! So I couldnt figure out from where my CPTSD came from. Not until I read, heard information about the scape goat child, and it was like having my life tell to me by a stranger!!! Never ever my life made so much sense as it does now! Im just so thankful for all this tools available here, thank you Fairy !!! and this safe space!!! and learning there are many of us out there and that my feelings are not wrong and were never wrong!!! Our survival instinct kept us alive for a reason so we can truly live!!! Big hug soul sister!!!! Muchísisimas gracias for this video !!!!
oh, josie. my god. my birth family was effed up, but yours is a whole other level of effed up. YOU, on the other hand, are a SUPERSTAR. YOU survived, YOU are healing, YOU are learning to be kinder to yourself than your birth family ever was. YOU from the tenderest, earliest age KNEW that YOU deserved LOVE and GIFTS and TREATS and FUN and LEARNING. the truth is that YOU STILL DO! we here all love you and are thrilled that you are here among us so that we can love you as you deserve! xoxoxoxoxoxo
Your encouragement for the letter-writer is so valuable. Thank you for your comment.
Nika@TeamFairy
This lady’s story is similar to my own. And yes, I did have a different dad! It’s scary that this kind of abuse can go unnoticed because there aren’t any physical scars.😢😢😢 She is still young, so I’m hopeful for her. I realized later in life that my parents were obviously mentally ill. So, my other siblings also suffered in different ways. At the age of 70, I have very limited contact with family members because no one had sought any help with mental/emotional illness.
I went through this.
This still keeps happening to me as an adult whenever I try to form meaningful relationships.
Oh gosh I have tried and tried to find healthy minded people to connect with, but I can never find them anywhere for over 30 years.
It doesn't stop following me around no matter how much I try to avoid it.
I just don't know to ever heal the emotional wounds when they keep getting salt poured on them by others throughout life.
Also an oldest girl who took care of 3 younger sibs and my crazy mother. We were all neglected, but I was also treated like a rival and molested by my parents’ friends. Now I do very well professionally, but not so much romantically. I broke up a few months ago with a guy who was like a cross between my parents.
Love and light to you Josie. Love yourself and put yourself first! That’s what I’m trying to learn. 💕💕💕
I discovered older in life and after therapy…..that we attract toxic friends/partners that match our family dynamics….need to heal the broken part first before having friends or partners…that story is so sad and I can relate….I think we do the delusional technique to protect our selves as an escape from the trauma because it would be too painful to accept reality
Remember: Just because they say I am, does not make it so.
I agree with the sentiment of joining the ACoA fellowship. I love it there. There are wonderful podcasts online (such as the Adult Child podcast) if you want to dip your toes in. Reading the 14 laundry list traits is also a good place to start.
OMG!!!! 😢 How horrible! I had to pause this video and gather my composure before I could continue. My heart BLEEDS for you.
How heartbreaking. The very best to Josie on the new job. She is a legend to have come through that and to have kept an open heart. I would wish from the depths of my heart that she takes Anna"s advice and creates her own loving space with a family of her own. I would also wish that she learns to let go of the awful festering questions that goes with this one child in a family being cast in the role of servant or somehow beholden to the family system - and that is 'what was wrong with me' or "what did I do wrong". It is a horrible thing to do to a child - that is all. I do think - though it is not always possible in people's living situations - that pets can sometimes help to accustom a body to open loving relationship. Miuch love and thriving to Josie ❤
My heart breaks for you. 😢 you are worth so much more than the treatment and behavior they use to control and abuse you.
I pray you get so busy with your new job, the new friends you are going to meet, and the new positive life you have built that you don't even have time to think about those cruel people! You got this! Go build the kind of life you want to live! You are twice the woman any of them could ever be.
I wish we lived close by each other. I bet you would be an amazing friend.
Text book scapegoated by a narcissistic mother . Soul destroying. But it gets better when you set yourself free ! Your stronger then you think
This is so wildly heartbreaking. My deepest sympathies and heartfelt condolences go out to Josie. ❤
What a sad story with Josie. My late parents are long gone and I was a change of life baby and an only child. I lost a brother when he was four months old and I only vaguely remember seeing him once. In retrospect, I think my father was a grandiose narc and my mother a chronic depressive and perhaps a covert narc. I got nothing but criticism which left me with no direction in a “career” or ambition. I’m learning about emotional neglect. Clearly, it sounds like Josie was terribly scapegoated and sidelined with “colorism” victimization. As evidence of her health issues she’s had to endure carrying herself and dealing with neglect. Why do so many families do this?! It sounds like Josie was sacrificed and the parents were just mean and internalized their insecurities externally onto her. Unfortunately, like us all we have to try to put ourselves together the rest of our lives when we largely feel discarded and lost. I hope Josie’s doing better. Thank you for her story.
I went mostly 95% no contact ..with rest my immediate family since my narcisstic mom died in 2018 ..her death was my final liberation from all most trianglation ,gaslighting and other B.S..I HAD TO WAIT MY WHOLE LIFE ..until she died ..me 57 ..my life pretty much over ..my narcisstic dad .still alive ..but ..again i just pretty much shut all out ..even though now that ive FINALLY HEALED MOST MY PATTERNS AND GOT IRON CURTAIN BOUNDARIES ..ITS TOO late to get a REAL LIFE AT THIS POINT ..TOO MUCH DAMAGE ..IM 62 NOW..BROKE AS HELL ON DISABILITY LAST 18 YEARS FROM CHRONIC C-PTSD AND live with my grown AUTISTIC SON ..we roomates ..both SOO DAMAGED from narcisstic family dynamics ..we both feel stuck ..living with each other just to survive out rest our life ..😢. We both realize what happen ..but really nothing you can undo ...we split our bills ..and live pretty much both introverted and isolated to ourselves..too ling story to go into ..
This letter resonates hard with me. The indifference is worse than love or hate. Cut the cord. It takes alot of attempts, but once you are free from them, you'll be in a healthier place. My parents don't love me, but they love the other kids. They hate the truth tellers!❤
I hope this woman perseveres. I don't think she will ever find what she needs from within her family. It hurts less when you go no contact. It is easier to accept and let go.
Josie, I am cheering you on! 💗 You are so special and your parents didn’t deserve you. There are kind-hearted people out there who do deserve to have you in their lives!
I literally felt this in my gut. Literally shifting tensions in my gut. Wow, THANK YOU FOR YOUR COURAGE TO SHARE!!! YOU HAVE MY FULL SUPPORT. It will be an easy transition the hard part is actually already over!