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I am 63, and until about 3yrs. ago, I wasn't sure what sort of disorder my Mom was suffering from. Her moods swing wildly, she feels sorry for herself when the sorrow should be about the other person she has hurt, she hears things, see things, smell things, that aren't there. I have finally figured out that as a child the trauma I felt was a result of my Mom's behavior. I still have problems with her. She is 90.
I can also relate. I'm 60 and my mother is 101. I came home from where I've been living abroad (now I know why!) for the last 25 years, for a short visit (a month at most) thinking I'd be taking care of mum while I am staying at her house. That was 2.5 years ago. I've been effectively trapped in the full-time role as her unpaid carer ever since, and every day (despite my having learned so much about self-differentiation from Jerry's content) she still tries to get me back under her control and re-enmesh me with the rest of the family. This need to control and manipulate emotionally, I now understand, was always part of her relationship with all of us. She really didn't like it when I started to get the better of her with language and actions, and I think she'll probably never give up trying. As long as you're obliged to be around each other, it will never end.
Sounds like my late mother. She passed almost two years ago, the day after my birthday. Looking back, I realize she was very likely undiagnosed ASD who developed many PDs to cope; she had a traumatic childhood and had very odd, shallow behavior, though masked at will. She terrorized her daughters and my son. I am finally healing at 66, and Jerry's work has been the most helpful.
Sometime being alone is the best gift! I spent Thanksgiving alone watching football, eating a beautiful rib-eye steak and green-bean casserole. It was better than any family gathering!
Happy Birthday to YOU!!🎉❤💫🎂🎈My birthday’s 1 day before NYE & am from a very toxic family. Totally relate to spending your birthday alone. Better that way. Narcissists will try to wreck your birthday somehow so it can be about them.
I am 53 and received the annual e-mail from enabling father, demanding me to placate emotionally immature mother. Thanks to Jerry’s advice, my e-mail reply I sent off a few days later, was plan C… a self-differentiate response. I used to reply plan A… over-react. Then I evolved into reply plan B… justify and explain. But sending plan C was mature, neutral, & empowering to me… simply matter of fact & a copied word for word statement of Jerry’s wise advice from a previous clip. It’s taken TOO MANY YEARS to grow & learn through this mess of enmeshment & guilt, but I’m doing it now, and I feel more like me than I ever have. 🙏 Thank you for your channel 🙏
Christmas can be a very difficult time for many. When I was a young kid I was so excited this time of year, some of that has faded however now I'm excited for our child. We parent way different than our parents did and that's a blessing for her. The cycle stopped with myself and my 3 siblings ❤
I've noticed both of my parents, in my younger years, always focused on my mistakes, and kept bringing them up, trying the guilt and shaming tactics. Later, I got wise and didn't play the guilt trip. If Mom couldn't get her way, she'd try the shame and guilt game. If that didn't work, she'd use her flying monkeys. It would be anybody who would listen to her. Eventually, none of this worked.
sounds like my mum. There's just no way back into the family unless i admit i'm mad, bad, sad et cetera. If I do that, they might forgive me for asking to be heard. There is just no way to reset the dynamics. Asking, writing, pleading, waiting, shouting, accepting the silent treatments, not accepting them............... No, things will stay as they were.
My mom literally says to me that I cannot be allowed to live with them again for even a temporary while, unless I live there as a servant to my brother and stay silent and realize I'm beneath him !!!! F that!!
Hello Jerry! I’ve been listening to your videos for a year now, and I finally decided to integrate your advice more into my life. Tonight I sat down at my desk and translated these phrases you offered into my native language, keeping their meaning the best I could. I feel proud of that, because now I will be able to use these responses in conversations in real life. Thank you for what you do here on UA-cam!
I now hate xmas, makes me ill and im already sick got my visit done yesterday. I came away poorly, stressed and more ill and somewhat upset but way less than I'd normally feel. That's a win for me, coming away from their home not being an emotional hurt wreck. Still got the same gifts I've gotten for the last 5 years in succession though! Urrggh! Still im way valuer than normal, though it was a struggle before during and now after because the stress sets off my chronic sickness, realising and not expecting any understanding from them and least got me through it without loosing my mind. Thank you Jerry and have and lovely holiday ✌😊
This will be my fifth xmas excluded from Christmas. I used to feel physically SICK at the injustice but I realise this is the first christmas I feel kind of not fussed about making up or not. What you say about getting the same gifts for five years makes me smile, in support. For decades my parents got me a ''nice victoria cream sponge cake'' for my birthday and every year I'd say 'my favourite cake is carrot cake'' and the next year again I'd get a nice victoria cream sponge cake. I'm just not a real person to them
I wish I'd found resources like this 20 years ago, still living with them. That little nagging part of me that says "you could have salvaged the relationship" when there was nothing to salvage in the first place would have had so much more hope at the idea that I could detached from the enmeshment, stopped participating, and built a bridge from there. I will just have to keep this in my back pocket in the meantime. These phrases also seem really good in the workplace.
It's like building a puzzle. At first glance, the pieces are jumbled and don't tell a story. Using these phrases, we can help to build a picture of our differentiated self. Thanks, Jerry.
They either do one of two reactions when I have tried similar tactics: they keep talking about whatever it is, continuing to try to engage, or they start raging at you.
Do not engage. You don't owe an explanation. If you enmesh with the drama, you lose. They don't want an explanation, the content doesn't matter, they just want a reaction from you.
Yes, my mother did this for years. She would talk over the top of me when I phoned from overseas, repeating "Hello, Hello, Hello" and then hang up. After that , in my father's later years, when I called to speak with him, she would bang and smash the dishes in the sink loudly, which would invariably lead to us terminating the conversation. This is on top of many other behaviours which are mentioned by experts as common in narcissists. She also has wild mood swings, drinks a litre bottle of wine almost every evening and swears angrily when I'm around. For years, when we visited for dinner, she would leave the table straight after eating and bang about with the dishes while swearing quietly about my father, calling him an "effing c--t". I'm 55 ( male ) now, and my mother is still horrible presence to be around. She is always simmering, ill tempered and wildly trivial with her conversation. There is no personal engagement. Talking with her has always been like talking to a stranger.
My mom hung up on me when I was non-reactive. I had nice conversation with her a couple of days later where I could tell she wanted to stir things up. She ended up sending a shitty email anyway, trying to provoke a reaction. I stayed mostly non-reactive, but realized there was no point going back and forth with someone that's just trying to push my buttons. So, no contact!
The best hour in all of my therapy was when my therapist explained what the final years of his parents lives were like. Humorously Dysfunctional. This insight has allowed me to watch my parents in their final years do the same thing without driving me nuts.
Boy do I hear that. Mine are 80 and going strong, I'm their ill old child. They'll probably outlive me and a till be talking as if I'm a child not an old adult who is ill!
They didn’t mean anything -you shouldn’t feel hurt -how does anyone know what anyone meant ? These are so helpful -I see it differently and I’m ok with that !
Why would one ever work this hard to stay in relationship with toxic people? I did for some years and you know? After a while of not being reactive things escalated to the point of them literally trying to destroy me and my family. 3 different therapists told us there’s no other option that going no contact. That was almost a year ago and it was excrutiating to break away but we are beginning to feel the freedom. I will never twist myself into a pretzel for someone else’s approval again.
This is perfect for me today. These changes in dynamics apply for parents dealing with their undifferentiated children too! I'm going to use the "I feel differently" technique on mine. Thanks you Mr. Wise!
It's so difficult with these narcissists because they don't stop going at you. At work, a teacher asked me to move a folding table and set it up outside. I tried to carry it but I told her it was too heavy for me. After lunch, she asked me to set up a second table and idk why she would do that if she knew it was too heavy for me. She's so nasty to me.
Keep a journal. Let the office know. And call your union. They might be able to find a better place for you, or at least make the teacher stop bothering you. If it gets worse, that's retaliation and $$
Oh yeah. Very welcome. Lol I already told my kids to come to my house instead. I told them she canceled Christmas and it's gonna be a small private affair at my home. They are happy with that and I'm sticking to it.
Merry Christmas Jerry! ✝️🙏❤️🎄. You have given the gift of peace to many of us this holiday season by your gift of teaching, may God continue to bless you in the New Year!
Don't let the insanity of a bad parent ruin your peace. They were horrible as a parent and now seek to lecture you on how to parent. They did so much wrong in raising their kids and now act the expert in telling you how to raise your kids. They divorced and have the gall to give you marriage advice. even calling you "stupid" for not taking it! Do what Jerry says. Be unemotional, keep your inner peace. Let them rage all they want and be miserable. That's THEIR choice. You have to choose for yourself rather than letting the narcissist choose for you.
I agree completely. In my culture, where parents are deified, it is literally impossible impossible to go no contact. I have been trying to find a culturally acceptable way to do it in a way that one does not go no contact, but die of shame and guilt
Thank you, Jerry! Empowering, specific response examples are EXACTLY what I’ve been looking for, especially with the holiday season upon us. Most appreciated and Merry Christmas! 🎄
This is a very lonely road to walk. I hope we all find a way to have a blessed and happy Christmas, even if there are those like me considering having a (first ever) no-contact one.
I think it's important to become comfortable with being disagreeable. People high in these traits of needing to dominate and control other people rely on other people's pro-social attitudes of wanting to appease, curtail conflict and soothe other people's upsets. That's why aggressive abusers will often talk about keeping the peace or the need for everyone to just get along: these are rules for everyone else, so they can rely on the target's tendency for de-escalation to dominate them. So it's important to stop trying to de-escalate; let them have their upset. Regulating their feelings is not your responsibility.
Wow. That's an interesting point to say that it's the de-escalation efforts that bring the predators not the escalation. It's also the sick way UA-cam is set up to disallow anyone to "fight back" with words, because those comments where you attempt to defend yourself get hidden and allowing the creeps to have the last word is not the answer either. There's way too many anonymous accounts with no content on their channel but they have it just to be disturbing to people in comments. UA-cam really needs to stop allowing accounts with nothing on their channel and free to cast aspersions on total strangers. I think we have to call them out not let them get away with thinking their popularity means something. Yep some channels have hundreds of subscribers that they gained just by being tough stuff in comments on videos it's unnerving.
This is so timely, Jerry! I would always say that I never had the words that I needed to be able to stand up for myself. These are the exact phrases that I needed and was never taught to use when I want to say enough is enough!
This is so practical and helpful. Nailed it again, Jerry! Thank you so much for helping us learn healthy ways to respond to unhealthy people. They really are good at escalating situations and dragging others into their unhealthy behaviors.
Jerry, you hit this one out of the park baby! Great video with use it now practical suggestions! Awesome! Merry Christmas 🎄 to you and yours! Rock on Jerry!😅🎉❤
When I said to my extremely narcissistic father "I have different opinions/ feelings from yours. I respect yours & hope you would do the same", he literally responded, "you're not allowed to feel this way". I'm almost 50 & he still tries to control my life, from my life choice to my feelings. He is mostly disappointed with me throughout my adult life because I refused to believe in the same religion as his. He & my nm had tried to make me move in a convent & become a nun because that's what my nf thought would elevate his status in his church. I'm literally a disposable "thing" to him
Great timing before xmas lunch, where abuse is common. This year, they get a big picture of me for Xmas, big one to put on the mantle with the others, of other family member members. I noticed I was missing on all of them... A set of fridge magnets with the picture too, so it cannot be laid down.
I think for me mostly it’s the left over residual stuff. Their slimy voices slithered into my head. God knows I’ve been dismantling that now for years but it feels like I’m going to still be doing that forever and a day on some level. At least it does get better along the way. Main issue really is very often having to remind myself to actually think of myself, care for myself, consider myself. So easy to just slide right into things like over concern for others, over conscientiousness, etc. Best phrase ever tho…It is what it is…I feel what I feel…they are what they are (not what things “should” be or what I would wish or want or hope for etc). Whatever and whoever is in front of me just IS WHAT IT IS. That was me tho. Just do it. Early on I def wasn’t “calm” about it. Lol. But it got easier to do and I got to where I cared less and less. (Around whatever with my “parents”). Narcs. Pshaw. It’s just their ego butt hurt. It won’t kill them to be told no or to go fly a kite. That’s exactly the concept tho for me. I DO want that simple life. Not that unhappy, stress ridden “secure” job (which did often involve the fam biz).
My narcissistic mom uses frases like this when I want to discuss her unfair treatment of me («Let`s not talk about that», «I have made my decision»). So you mean it is okey to use tactics like that in a conversation? To me it sounds like manipulative ways to avoid commucation and any compomise!
Can you please advise how to compromise on music for a roadtrip. I like deep house my wife likes oldies and country. Can you believe it? The arguments for and against and who has rights to music choice and volume levels are epic. Please help!!
Ear phones or Airbuds. She can listen on her phone. You can listen to the radio if you're driving. Then if she drives, then she can listen to whatever and you use the buds.
That's my mother she will use it in the form of " The lord" because she is very biblical in her own way and put it on her since " The Lord" is using her, so whatever we accomplish is because of the " Lords" hands and grace is on her and it is pass on to us. It's complicated
With the wrong version of this person, all of these statements are seen as challenges to their authority, over you, your choices, whatever. Boundaries are seldom respected by narcs.
I was approaching my fifties when I learnt what my mother was. Many people in the comments are way older. You are already lucid about your situation, go for it, now. Life is passing you by. It took me 4 or 5 years, but who’s counting when you have a chance at a healthy mental state? You will do it in slow, reflective steps. You are going to do it. Sending you much support. ❤
I'm 35 and only begun engaging with the concept of "narcissism" at 31, when things didn't feel right. At first you feel like an idiot who came late into the party as it all seems so obvious once you read about it, but the fact is you couldn't possibly know, you've been conditioned, so don't blame yourself. It's a long way and hard work but you can do it.
I'm definitely not a narcissist, but all of these responses urk the he'll out of me and seem extremely disingenuous. These sound like the responses I get when I call "customer service" ... just BS and apathy... no actual concern for me or the situation. I firmly believe in treating others the way you want to be treated, and I definitely hate being treated like an idiot, especially when going through something seemingly dire or emotional. And it's not that I expect people to match my energy or anything, I just expect whoever I'm talking to to give a $hit. I mean, I wouldn't bother talking with them if I didn't care about and value their perspectives or opinions or needed their help or something. I also already hear your BS responses in my head as I type this lol I guess I. Just hoping for better, more genuine solutions
In my experience, these self-differentiating “responses” were vital for protecting my sanity. I was at the end of my tether. I am 53 and had tried EVERYTHING, every way, and more than once 😮💨 😞 Maybe after enduring YEARS of guilt-inducing, controlling emails/calls/texts, you would be grateful to rely on these responses too, for real. And to finally live in the freedom of self-differentiation.
@LouiseR-d6n but, at that age, why remain in contact at all? The toxic "relationship" I'm currently in is only because I'm homeless and this lady keeps leveraging money and material things. Pretty sure she smears my name behind my back so that other people don't want anything to do with me, and then she swoops in with money, food, etc... like she wants me solely dependent on her. I can't imagine I'd bother with anyone like this if I had any sort of financial security
@@Laredo-c7g Yeah, I re-evaluate the decision for contact, always after things flare up. For me, self-differentiating from ageing religious parents, now in their eighties, is something I’ve done with help using Jerry’s “responses”, and going no contact is something I have decided not to do. I just wanted to say the “responses” help me mightily with that goal. One day soon, they’ll be gone, and if I can establish a civil relationship with no enmeshment before then, then that’s the route I’m taking 🤷♀️ I had no idea about these dynamics until ten years ago. Trying to find my way ever since.
![Lp. Сердце Вселенной #60 РОЖДЕНИЕ ЛОЛОЛОШКИ [Финал] • Майнкрафт](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/YoR0pAV9FVQ/mqdefault.jpg)
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027
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I am 63, and until about 3yrs. ago, I wasn't sure what sort of disorder my Mom was suffering from. Her moods swing wildly, she feels sorry for herself when the sorrow should be about the other person she has hurt, she hears things, see things, smell things, that aren't there. I have finally figured out that as a child the trauma I felt was a result of my Mom's behavior. I still have problems with her. She is 90.
To a T, I can relate to your story because mine is veeery similar. I'm 60, she is 88 and still expects and tries to control and manipulate me
Mine too
I can also relate. I'm 60 and my mother is 101. I came home from where I've been living abroad (now I know why!) for the last 25 years, for a short visit (a month at most) thinking I'd be taking care of mum while I am staying at her house. That was 2.5 years ago. I've been effectively trapped in the full-time role as her unpaid carer ever since, and every day (despite my having learned so much about self-differentiation from Jerry's content) she still tries to get me back under her control and re-enmesh me with the rest of the family. This need to control and manipulate emotionally, I now understand, was always part of her relationship with all of us. She really didn't like it when I started to get the better of her with language and actions, and I think she'll probably never give up trying. As long as you're obliged to be around each other, it will never end.
You can live now with a clearer mind.
Sounds like my late mother. She passed almost two years ago, the day after my birthday. Looking back, I realize she was very likely undiagnosed ASD who developed many PDs to cope; she had a traumatic childhood and had very odd, shallow behavior, though masked at will. She terrorized her daughters and my son. I am finally healing at 66, and Jerry's work has been the most helpful.
Spending my birthday by myself at home, this really was the perfect video on my feed. Thanks wise man 🙏🏻
Happy Birthday! Hope you have a wonderful, relaxing day! 😊
Sometime being alone is the best gift! I spent Thanksgiving alone watching football, eating a beautiful rib-eye steak and green-bean casserole. It was better than any family gathering!
Happy Birthday to YOU!!🎉❤💫🎂🎈My birthday’s 1 day before NYE & am from a very toxic family. Totally relate to spending your birthday alone. Better that way. Narcissists will try to wreck your birthday somehow so it can be about them.
Happy Birthday hug from me, spending Christmas alone. 💌
Started that in my 20s. Calm day is better than their plan any time. 🎉
You are doing the Lord work by helping us Forget these immature so called parents!!
❤❤❤❤
I am 53 and received the annual e-mail from enabling father, demanding me to placate emotionally immature mother. Thanks to Jerry’s advice, my e-mail reply I sent off a few days later, was plan C… a self-differentiate response.
I used to reply plan A… over-react.
Then I evolved into reply plan B… justify and explain.
But sending plan C was mature, neutral, & empowering to me… simply matter of fact & a copied word for word statement of Jerry’s wise advice from a previous clip.
It’s taken TOO MANY YEARS to grow & learn through this mess of enmeshment & guilt, but I’m doing it now, and I feel more like me than I ever have.
🙏 Thank you for your channel 🙏
i envy you! I did everything wrong, and gave them ammunition to focus on my faults when I had asked to address their behaviours to me.
"Be wise!", but not Jerry Wise, there is already a perfectly good one of those.
Lol. Thanks
"W.W.J.W.D.?"
lol😂
When I hear Jerry Wise, I always feel like it should be Very Wise.
Jerry's gift to us is to equip us with self empowerment especially during the holiday season.
Christmas can be a very difficult time for many. When I was a young kid I was so excited this time of year, some of that has faded however now I'm excited for our child. We parent way different than our parents did and that's a blessing for her. The cycle stopped with myself and my 3 siblings ❤
Looking back, I know that my “happy” holiday memories were all fake. It’s weird and it’s totally fucked up.
I've noticed both of my parents, in my younger years, always focused on my mistakes, and kept bringing them up, trying the guilt and shaming tactics. Later, I got wise and didn't play the guilt trip. If Mom couldn't get her way, she'd try the shame and guilt game. If that didn't work, she'd use her flying monkeys. It would be anybody who would listen to her. Eventually, none of this worked.
sounds like my mum. There's just no way back into the family unless i admit i'm mad, bad, sad et cetera. If I do that, they might forgive me for asking to be heard. There is just no way to reset the dynamics. Asking, writing, pleading, waiting, shouting, accepting the silent treatments, not accepting them............... No, things will stay as they were.
My mom literally says to me that I cannot be allowed to live with them again for even a temporary while, unless I live there as a servant to my brother and stay silent and realize I'm beneath him !!!!
F that!!
This video is pure genius. I wish I had it 30 years ago.
This is golden.. i need to put this video on repeat and listen in my sleep. 😅
Me too!
Hello Jerry! I’ve been listening to your videos for a year now, and I finally decided to integrate your advice more into my life.
Tonight I sat down at my desk and translated these phrases you offered into my native language, keeping their meaning the best I could.
I feel proud of that, because now I will be able to use these responses in conversations in real life.
Thank you for what you do here on UA-cam!
Everybody needs this for this week
I now hate xmas, makes me ill and im already sick got my visit done yesterday. I came away poorly, stressed and more ill and somewhat upset but way less than I'd normally feel. That's a win for me, coming away from their home not being an emotional hurt wreck. Still got the same gifts I've gotten for the last 5 years in succession though! Urrggh! Still im way valuer than normal, though it was a struggle before during and now after because the stress sets off my chronic sickness, realising and not expecting any understanding from them and least got me through it without loosing my mind. Thank you Jerry and have and lovely holiday ✌😊
This will be my fifth xmas excluded from Christmas. I used to feel physically SICK at the injustice but I realise this is the first christmas I feel kind of not fussed about making up or not. What you say about getting the same gifts for five years makes me smile, in support. For decades my parents got me a ''nice victoria cream sponge cake'' for my birthday and every year I'd say 'my favourite cake is carrot cake'' and the next year again I'd get a nice victoria cream sponge cake. I'm just not a real person to them
I wish I'd found resources like this 20 years ago, still living with them. That little nagging part of me that says "you could have salvaged the relationship" when there was nothing to salvage in the first place would have had so much more hope at the idea that I could detached from the enmeshment, stopped participating, and built a bridge from there. I will just have to keep this in my back pocket in the meantime. These phrases also seem really good in the workplace.
It's like building a puzzle. At first glance, the pieces are jumbled and don't tell a story. Using these phrases, we can help to build a picture of our differentiated self. Thanks, Jerry.
This is one of your best, Jerry! I love when you give communication strategies and book recommendations!
They either do one of two reactions when I have tried similar tactics: they keep talking about whatever it is, continuing to try to engage, or they start raging at you.
Do not engage. You don't owe an explanation. If you enmesh with the drama, you lose. They don't want an explanation, the content doesn't matter, they just want a reaction from you.
Sometimes, it becomes dangerous. Observe and document their actions if need be. It can save your life. If you need to take it to court
That's when you walk away, say "Goodbye for now" and hang up the phone. Enough is enough.
They hang up the phone or say they can't hear you! Highly stressful with an older narcissist mother if you don't fall in the schedule.
Yes, my mother did this for years. She would talk over the top of me when I phoned from overseas, repeating
"Hello, Hello, Hello" and then hang up.
After that , in my father's later years, when I called to speak with him, she would bang and smash the dishes in the sink loudly, which would invariably lead to us terminating the conversation.
This is on top of many other behaviours which are mentioned by experts as common in narcissists. She also has wild mood swings, drinks a litre bottle of wine almost every evening and swears angrily when I'm around.
For years, when we visited for dinner, she would leave the table straight after eating and bang about with the dishes while swearing quietly about my father, calling him an "effing c--t".
I'm 55 ( male ) now, and my mother is still horrible presence to be around. She is always simmering, ill tempered and wildly trivial with her conversation. There is no personal engagement. Talking with her has always been like talking to a stranger.
My mom hung up on me when I was non-reactive. I had nice conversation with her a couple of days later where I could tell she wanted to stir things up. She ended up sending a shitty email anyway, trying to provoke a reaction. I stayed mostly non-reactive, but realized there was no point going back and forth with someone that's just trying to push my buttons. So, no contact!
This So how it is with mother and I . She is 90 , i am 70 and it is still going on . 😏
You are not alone.
The best hour in all of my therapy was when my therapist explained what the final years of his parents lives were like. Humorously Dysfunctional. This insight has allowed me to watch my parents in their final years do the same thing without driving me nuts.
Boy do I hear that. Mine are 80 and going strong, I'm their ill old child. They'll probably outlive me and a till be talking as if I'm a child not an old adult who is ill!
Narcissistic parents never stop controlling you wanting to own you 😅
@@bereal6590sending you love and wishing you healing and recovery ❤
Being repetitive, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, FOR THIS NEW VIDEO & ALL of Your Videos !!!
You are so welcome!
They didn’t mean anything -you shouldn’t feel hurt -how does anyone know what anyone meant ? These are so helpful -I see it differently and I’m ok with that !
Why would one ever work this hard to stay in relationship with toxic people? I did for some years and you know? After a while of not being reactive things escalated to the point of them literally trying to destroy me and my family. 3 different therapists told us there’s no other option that going no contact. That was almost a year ago and it was excrutiating to break away but we are beginning to feel the freedom. I will never twist myself into a pretzel for someone else’s approval again.
This is coming in handy just before the holidays. Thank you, Jerry, and Merry Christmas! 🎄
Happy holidays!
This is perfect for me today. These changes in dynamics apply for parents dealing with their undifferentiated children too! I'm going to use the "I feel differently" technique on mine. Thanks you Mr. Wise!
Thank you Jerry! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Happy holidays!
It's so difficult with these narcissists because they don't stop going at you. At work, a teacher asked me to move a folding table and set it up outside. I tried to carry it but I told her it was too heavy for me. After lunch, she asked me to set up a second table and idk why she would do that if she knew it was too heavy for me. She's so nasty to me.
Keep a journal. Let the office know. And call your union. They might be able to find a better place for you, or at least make the teacher stop bothering you. If it gets worse, that's retaliation and $$
@DrZuli Thanks for saying that because sometimes I'm not sure if it's something serious enough to report.
Don't hesitate to tell her no or tell her she needs to help you. That's ridiculous don't let anyone mistreat you ever.
Just in time! Moms already told me shes canceling christmas to guilt trip me.
I hope that is a gift and that you won't have to deal with her then.
@@JJ_FLA That is what I always think when I read such..."Don't threaten me with a good time." 😅
I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest that her withdrawing her presence should come as a welcome relief.
Oh yeah. Very welcome. Lol I already told my kids to come to my house instead. I told them she canceled Christmas and it's gonna be a small private affair at my home. They are happy with that and I'm sticking to it.
Best response: Great idea, and let's keep it that way from now on. Best for everyone! 😅
Merry Christmas Jerry! ✝️🙏❤️🎄. You have given the gift of peace to many of us this holiday season by your gift of teaching, may God continue to bless you in the New Year!
Thank you Jerry for your truth telling wisdom and a very Merry Christmas🎄💕
You are so welcome
Don't let the insanity of a bad parent ruin your peace.
They were horrible as a parent and now seek to lecture you on how to parent.
They did so much wrong in raising their kids and now act the expert in telling you how to raise your kids.
They divorced and have the gall to give you marriage advice. even calling you "stupid" for not taking it!
Do what Jerry says. Be unemotional, keep your inner peace.
Let them rage all they want and be miserable. That's THEIR choice. You have to choose for yourself rather than letting the narcissist choose for you.
No contact is the extreme and only true measure . Till I forget the sound of thine voice betwixt mine ears.
I agree completely. In my culture, where parents are deified, it is literally impossible impossible to go no contact. I have been trying to find a culturally acceptable way to do it in a way that one does not go no contact, but die of shame and guilt
Thank you, Jerry! Empowering, specific response examples are EXACTLY what I’ve been looking for, especially with the holiday season upon us. Most appreciated and Merry Christmas! 🎄
You're so welcome!
its very helpful when you demonstrate with short vignettes, seeing this play out conversationally is VERY helpful TY; JW!
This is a very lonely road to walk. I hope we all find a way to have a blessed and happy Christmas, even if there are those like me considering having a (first ever) no-contact one.
This will actually be my 6th no contact Christmas with FOO. Sure there was that initial and residual grief. Now, feels pretty good.
Still at it. even just before Christmas. Amazing.
I think it's important to become comfortable with being disagreeable. People high in these traits of needing to dominate and control other people rely on other people's pro-social attitudes of wanting to appease, curtail conflict and soothe other people's upsets. That's why aggressive abusers will often talk about keeping the peace or the need for everyone to just get along: these are rules for everyone else, so they can rely on the target's tendency for de-escalation to dominate them.
So it's important to stop trying to de-escalate; let them have their upset. Regulating their feelings is not your responsibility.
Wow. That's an interesting point to say that it's the de-escalation efforts that bring the predators not the escalation. It's also the sick way UA-cam is set up to disallow anyone to "fight back" with words, because those comments where you attempt to defend yourself get hidden and allowing the creeps to have the last word is not the answer either. There's way too many anonymous accounts with no content on their channel but they have it just to be disturbing to people in comments. UA-cam really needs to stop allowing accounts with nothing on their channel and free to cast aspersions on total strangers. I think we have to call them out not let them get away with thinking their popularity means something. Yep some channels have hundreds of subscribers that they gained just by being tough stuff in comments on videos it's unnerving.
This is so timely, Jerry! I would always say that I never had the words that I needed to be able to stand up for myself. These are the exact phrases that I needed and was never taught to use when I want to say enough is enough!
Happy Holidays sir. Bless you for all you impart 🙏
Happy holidays!
Also, i have long term friends and i realise they can be a bit difficult and put you in places. Strong stuff friend.
Thank you so much! Have a merry Christmas.
Always great stuff.. The slower the better..
Absolutely
Thank-you Jerry, Hope you have a lovely holiday time! Blessings.
This is so practical and helpful. Nailed it again, Jerry! Thank you so much for helping us learn healthy ways to respond to unhealthy people. They really are good at escalating situations and dragging others into their unhealthy behaviors.
Merry Christmas, my first one no contact.
Appreciate your great advice Jerry, and all the insightful comments on your videos
Happy holidays!
Jerry, you hit this one out of the park baby! Great video with use it now practical suggestions! Awesome! Merry Christmas 🎄 to you and yours! Rock on Jerry!😅🎉❤
Super helpful. Thank you❤
When I said to my extremely narcissistic father "I have different opinions/ feelings from yours. I respect yours & hope you would do the same", he literally responded, "you're not allowed to feel this way". I'm almost 50 & he still tries to control my life, from my life choice to my feelings. He is mostly disappointed with me throughout my adult life because I refused to believe in the same religion as his. He & my nm had tried to make me move in a convent & become a nun because that's what my nf thought would elevate his status in his church. I'm literally a disposable "thing" to him
Because you are.
I needed this one, thank you!
Glad it was helpful!
This was so helpful, Thank you Jerry!
Glad it was helpful!
Great timing before xmas lunch, where abuse is common. This year, they get a big picture of me for Xmas, big one to put on the mantle with the others, of other family member members. I noticed I was missing on all of them... A set of fridge magnets with the picture too, so it cannot be laid down.
Thank you so much ❤❤
Thank you for brilliant observations and excellent advice Jerry. Merry Christmas everyone ❤😊
Happy holidays!
I suppose I could have been more autonomous, I like how you said you'll get better at this.❤
Thank you, Jerry for another amazing video.
Glad you enjoyed it
Kryptonite repellant answers to kryptonite criticisms !!
Here for the last minute pep talk. 😂😮
1. I see it differently.
I think for me mostly it’s the left over residual stuff. Their slimy voices slithered into my head. God knows I’ve been dismantling that now for years but it feels like I’m going to still be doing that forever and a day on some level. At least it does get better along the way. Main issue really is very often having to remind myself to actually think of myself, care for myself, consider myself. So easy to just slide right into things like over concern for others, over conscientiousness, etc. Best phrase ever tho…It is what it is…I feel what I feel…they are what they are (not what things “should” be or what I would wish or want or hope for etc). Whatever and whoever is in front of me just IS WHAT IT IS.
That was me tho. Just do it. Early on I def wasn’t “calm” about it. Lol. But it got easier to do and I got to where I cared less and less. (Around whatever with my “parents”). Narcs. Pshaw. It’s just their ego butt hurt. It won’t kill them to be told no or to go fly a kite.
That’s exactly the concept tho for me. I DO want that simple life. Not that unhappy, stress ridden “secure” job (which did often involve the fam biz).
Thanks Jerry and Merry Christmas.
Happy holidays!
Amen. Thanks and Happy Holidays
Happy holidays!
My narcissistic mom uses frases like this when I want to discuss her unfair treatment of me («Let`s not talk about that», «I have made my decision»). So you mean it is okey to use tactics like that in a conversation? To me it sounds like manipulative ways to avoid commucation and any compomise!
There are some things you don't compromise on. If they get upset, that's ok.
Enjoy your videos you have help me in so many ways. Do you think the narcissism in parents is learnt generational or societal or class demographic?
Really why do we need to live to be 90 if we know everything when we're 20 or 30 and never learn we just repeat things what is going on
So true. 😅😅
Can you please advise how to compromise on music for a roadtrip. I like deep house my wife likes oldies and country. Can you believe it? The arguments for and against and who has rights to music choice and volume levels are epic. Please help!!
Ear phones or Airbuds. She can listen on her phone. You can listen to the radio if you're driving. Then if she drives, then she can listen to whatever and you use the buds.
thanks Jerry wise❤”
That's my mother she will use it in the form of " The lord" because she is very biblical in her own way and put it on her since " The Lord" is using her, so whatever we accomplish is because of the " Lords" hands and grace is on her and it is pass on to us. It's complicated
sounds exasperating. She could never make a mistake or be wrong or be hurtful because she was guided by the lord? eugh
With the wrong version of this person, all of these statements are seen as challenges to their authority, over you, your choices, whatever. Boundaries are seldom respected by narcs.
My 87 year old narcissistic mother just enter hospice yesterday.......😶
I just let them all go... They can't hurt me anymore and that bothers them.
Where has this video been my whole life? 😂
I am 30. Do you think I stand a chance to change my enmeshment ways?
GO FOR IT , DO IT NOW !!!!
YES, LISTEN TO JERRY
JOIN HIS PROGRAMS IF U CAN CAN. GO , DO, NOW !!!!!!!
I was approaching my fifties when I learnt what my mother was. Many people in the comments are way older. You are already lucid about your situation, go for it, now. Life is passing you by. It took me 4 or 5 years, but who’s counting when you have a chance at a healthy mental state? You will do it in slow, reflective steps. You are going to do it. Sending you much support. ❤
I'm 35 and only begun engaging with the concept of "narcissism" at 31, when things didn't feel right. At first you feel like an idiot who came late into the party as it all seems so obvious once you read about it, but the fact is you couldn't possibly know, you've been conditioned, so don't blame yourself. It's a long way and hard work but you can do it.
Yes you will. Took us a long time, enough was enough. So much more peaceful now.
It affects every relationship, so say yes. Maybe it takes years, but say yes you can.
15:15
This is previous
🙏✌️❤️⚘️
💖🙏
I'm definitely not a narcissist, but all of these responses urk the he'll out of me and seem extremely disingenuous. These sound like the responses I get when I call "customer service" ... just BS and apathy... no actual concern for me or the situation. I firmly believe in treating others the way you want to be treated, and I definitely hate being treated like an idiot, especially when going through something seemingly dire or emotional. And it's not that I expect people to match my energy or anything, I just expect whoever I'm talking to to give a $hit. I mean, I wouldn't bother talking with them if I didn't care about and value their perspectives or opinions or needed their help or something. I also already hear your BS responses in my head as I type this lol I guess I. Just hoping for better, more genuine solutions
In my experience, these self-differentiating “responses” were vital for protecting my sanity. I was at the end of my tether. I am 53 and had tried EVERYTHING, every way, and more than once 😮💨 😞
Maybe after enduring YEARS of guilt-inducing, controlling emails/calls/texts, you would be grateful to rely on these responses too, for real. And to finally live in the freedom of self-differentiation.
@LouiseR-d6n but, at that age, why remain in contact at all? The toxic "relationship" I'm currently in is only because I'm homeless and this lady keeps leveraging money and material things. Pretty sure she smears my name behind my back so that other people don't want anything to do with me, and then she swoops in with money, food, etc... like she wants me solely dependent on her. I can't imagine I'd bother with anyone like this if I had any sort of financial security
Not all perspectives or opinions are sincere.
@@silvermaple-n6n sure. But what's that got to do with anything I said?
@@Laredo-c7g Yeah, I re-evaluate the decision for contact, always after things flare up.
For me, self-differentiating from ageing religious parents, now in their eighties, is something I’ve done with help using Jerry’s “responses”, and going no contact is something I have decided not to do. I just wanted to say the “responses” help me mightily with that goal.
One day soon, they’ll be gone, and if I can establish a civil relationship with no enmeshment before then, then that’s the route I’m taking 🤷♀️ I had no idea about these dynamics until ten years ago. Trying to find my way ever since.
I like your content but I would like it even more if you'd just skip the introduction and get to the point?
Please stop talking and just answer the question. Or i unsubscribe.
@@trustinsynchronicity Is that a threat? Good luck finding another content creator that doesn't have an intro.
@Mason-vl6ri I have Professor Sam Vaknin who gets me to the point faster 😊
@Mason-vl6ri You want me here that bad? ❤️
@Mason-vl6ri I do like Jerry Wise's flying monkeys video. It helped my mom and it was a really snappy quick watch.
I LIVE WITH MY PARENTS AND I HAVE A KID. - WHO ALSO LEARN FROM HIS GRAND PARENTS. YES parents are never toxic.
Every video you've ever put out has been helpful in one way or another to me 🩷 Thank you so much, Jerry!
You are very welcome
parents are never toxic.
Lol! This sounds like a crazy parent's comment 😂
😂😅😮
You have a lot to learn about life.