Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇 Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027 ‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self
This is my reality atm. I'm 40 yr old single parent with 3 boys my middle child has complex medical needs so I moved home to the family property to live with my father because of complete burnout. My father started treating my middle son like he treats me. I called him out on his behaviour. He got physical and I have gone almost no contact since then. Me and my boys are currently Homeless and I doubt myself everyday whether I'm the toxic one and then I'll watch you or another UA-camr that lists all the things my father did. During the year I lived with my father my boys ADHD medication kept disappearing turned out that when I was taking my boys to drs appointments or was shopping my father would sell the boys ADHD med's for cash. Now he is telling all my siblings and the rest of my family that I was the one doing it. I lived on a street that had 13 drug dealers ( I live in Australia) 2 were weed dealers the rest were harder drugs with labs. I have always been the one that gets the blame, my niece's acting out when they were teenagers my fault, my other niece (18)fell pregnant 6 months after I fell pregnant with my middle boy, my fault I was 25 at the time and engaged to be married. she lived more than 700 miles away from me. They are just the easier ones that don't hurt as much now. I've had other family members threaten mine and my boys lives if I go to the police. I'm just trying to get out of the town that I haven't been allowed to leave since I was born, my middle boys medical needs have stopped us from leaving as quickly as I would like. Some of his symptoms are from the trauma, his currently in a wheelchair and its just me, I have no support. How does anyone do this and survive to the other side. Sorry didn't mean to trauma dump. I just wanted to say thank you finding you helps me deal a little bit everyday.
@@solofemaletravelerme been there done that. I struggled paycheque to paycheque in tiny apartments for years. But my mental state was much improved even if money was tight. No contact is hard, but it will eventually get better. But if you don’t have the conviction to stick to your decision-no matter what life throws at you-I don’t think no contact is for you.
I have no car now and no income and my family totally abandoned me. I've supported myself my whole life and have my own apartment, but had some bad luck financially due to poor health from overworking myself. I think I would rather be on the street than tied to them.
Cut your losses and count your blessings, that you know is half the battle, sorry for your pain I am sure you are an amazing person, mom belittled me at every chance, enjoyed destroying people, a cult, anyone in her inner circle fooled until they did a narc injury then it was slander at will, I enjoyed her cie until she found me boring than she found other uses for me torturing me to uplift herself, no one to tell really, normal people don't want to hear it and rack it up to reg family drama!
Smear campaigns Silent treatment All-out war Siblings engaged as flying monkeys "Anonymous" letters in the mail Full on discard My parents are such bitter people. It's hard to miss them.
I tried for so many years, and finally went NC. No guilt, shame or remorse. Just freedom and peace. Jerry is right about NC being self-care. I was neglecting myself and my needs by continuing my own torture being around those people. I don’t care what they lie about, I gave my narc mother the ultimate sob story she’s always wanted to play victim. Woe is her forever. Except I no longer have to play the game, knowing my name was already being smeared as the scapegoat.
Megan, your life story is very similar to mine. My Mother too NEEDS to be a victim for her audience. I went no contact after my FOURTH mental breakdown ( I'm 63 now lol, so they were spaced out some 🤣) and feel PEACE. Ofcourse to quote Billie Eilish "I'm the bad guy" . The whole Rotary movement of the British Isles have probably heard how wronged she is by the ungrateful one but hey, I'm the Truth Teller and truth is a misnomer in our treatcherous family. Self-care ? I wasn't allowed to use the word "I" when growing up - my grandiose father called me selfish. Kids do not ASK to be born.
@@johedges5946 I’m HOWLING at the British Isles reference 😂😂😂 but that’s exactly how they are! Screaming from the rooftops of how we’ve wronged them. Proud of you for breaking free as well, no matter how much time it took us!
When I left my parents to live with my boyfriend at around 19 I thought things would instantly change. I thought getting away from my mom would heal me magically and suddenly. No one told me about how the voices of your parents linger, even when you get away from them. The sooner the better for everyone
.....But with time, effort, & some kindness for ourselves those lingering voices eventually gradually begin to fade until 1 day they're gone❤️🩹.Best wishes for your healing journey.
Yesss...and I might sound a bit cold but when I heard my dad died I felt more relief that he wasn't here anymore than sadness....but I seem to still have a deep love for him and my mom I'm just not affected by their absence or death if tht makes sense
I find all of it sad. My mom has admitted to me several times that I am the honest, trustworthy child but she turns my siblings against me and uses me as a scapegoat and way to get pity. She knows she is wrong how she treats me is wrong but the payoff for her works. My siblings know better but I think they enjoy acting evil without guilt. They think I deserve it all. They thought that when I was 9, 11, 15, 23, 39, and 55. It never stops. Sad. But they do not care.
Same here....big hug for you. And then they try to make you feel bad about not wanting to be their punching bag/scapegoat anymore. I have a not spoken to my mother in three years after her last gaslighting attempt. She dragged my oldest daughter into (with $$$$$) and she got the same treatment as Mom did. My 3 sisters decided to chime in- and they too were thrown to the wind. I refuse to continue to live the second half of my life in turmoil regardless of who I have to be seperated from. I am going to be happy dang it because I deserve to be!
Block stop ✋🛑 she's only out to torture you, that's what golden child's for, I'm next of kin watching her back, not very hard competition, she tortures the other ones saying you're the favorite, good luck you've lasted this long, I'm no contact all around, it's the least I can do! 😊
My parents went straight to silent treatments the first moment I tried to be heard. It's not like they were trying to contact me. The rule was simple, shut up or phukc off. No in-between. They have told everybody I broke *their* heart, while giving me the cold shoulder for 4+ years
Be careful Love bombing and hooverings fell me very deep down By my mom and my ex I had to hospitalise myself in mental institution, in closed unit. And even there they were able reach me and has me... Be careful THEY like predators and know when you at your weakest... May my prayers go with you
@@matikramer9648 They really are like predators. :( They don't stop. :( Even months after I went no-contact, my mother attempted to hoover me. Even while smearing me to people. It's like she cannot conceive that a NORMAL person doesn't want to help someone who is INSULTING them behind their backs. It's delusional. And yet, it makes their victims go insane also. I hope you have loving people around you to keep you grounded in reality. :(
Want to know the WORST thing?All full-blown narcs can behave in a covert manner depending upon the time/situation/🎯/place🤢.This is why it's so important to understand both the covert & overt types of behavior, they're typically a mix of BOTH types of behaviors even if they primarily exhibit 1 type🤮.
Them going no contact with me was the best gift ever. But, my narc mother did all of these. She became livid when she couldn't buy me with the inheritance ... and that was the end of it.
I don't mind losing my inheritance because I went no contact with my family. I don't want their money or their belongings. It's a small price to pay for "freedom ".
So many going no contact. I've noticed you also speak about this more now than your previous videos. People are realizing apologies and boundaries don't work with too many dysfunctional families. People are now putting all the pieces of the puzzle together learning it is not just 1 or 2 events .. it's a history of disrespect and mistreatment
Exactly how Narcism operates …going no contact is the only solution. Anything else is permission to them to continue their behavior. And they will every time. Regardless of what they say or do to get you back, in the end….its only about what they want. It’s never about you. They don’t care about you except for what you can do for them. Don’t ever, ever believe they care about you because it’s just not possible for them …even if you are their child.
The scapegoating/smear campaign is what happened when I went NC with my mom. The last family function we were at together, I overheard her talking sh*t about me to other relatives. It sucks. But I know the family member who know me, know what the lies are and hopefully see and appreciate that I have never stooped to that level. I feel like the fact that she has and I haven't speaks volumes about us and what's going on.
Many people balk at no contact due to lost inheritance but I believe if you frame it differently you'll see a dividend. In addition to the savings of wasted time and energy you will literally save thousands potentially spent on therapy and treatments for the illnesses they will cause. See it like cutting a tumor out of your brain. And then being freed up to bring better people and experiences into the rest of your life. Best wishes everyone and massive appreciation to our esteemed Jerry. ❤
They were never going to leave you an inheritance anyway. Plus, if they were hoarders, then that means you don't have to deal with the serious problems of their hoarder houses. There are UA-cam videos that show what those are really like, and it's a real bio-hazard.
The inheritance carrot was a laugh when my Ndad played that card. We all know they’re going to be buried with their money regardless of our status with them.
I was physically, verbally and emotionally abused since a kid. Parents were heavy drinkers. I lived my life in confusion and frustration until my late 50's. I've been no contact now for 7 years. Now my mom is in poor health, near the end of her days and the family says they need me to help care for her. I'm not going back. And yes, i do have feelings of guilt, hurt, anger and regret, wondering why my family was so dysfunctional. They say I'm the selfish one for leaving. It hasn't been easy.
Don't go back. :( I made the mistake of getting hoovered back for my dad's terminal illness. My mother used and abused me financially, isolating me from my husband AND my kids. It was sick. I can't believe i fell for it. She future-faked me that if I helped her with the house repairs (and there were SO MANY REPAIRS), she would sell the house and move to a safer assisted living community that my dad even wanted to move into! Many thousands of dollars later... of MY MONEY, MY TIME, and having quit my job to stay alone with these sick delusional people in their hoarded house, getting yelled at for unblocking doorways and throwing away rotten moldy shit, she said she didn't want to sell the house. And refused to give me a POA, but was doing financially stupid things, and asking me to fix them, and then getting mad at me when I did. It's hopeless to help true narcissists. My mother-in-law was NOT like this, when she became elderly. She and my father-in-law downsized twice as they got older, and they were happy to let my sister-in-law help them with their finances when they became confused. My mother is like that dog on the Tacoma Narrows Bridge when it was collapsing, that bit its owner when it tried to pull it from the car. So the dog went down with the bridge. My mother fought my help, and she won. I'm done. No-contact since my poor father's death. It's been my salvation, and the salvation of my husband and kids.
@matikramer9648 I don't see them or interact with at all. I'm about as full-on, no contact as I can be except changing phone#. It's not hard finding people nowadays unless you make it a point to disappear. I hope others in this situation find the means and strength to get away. Don't be fooled thinking that you can fix it. It just prolongs it. It can be difficult but once your living in peace, you'll never want to be in that or around people like that again.
They're the selfish ones for expecting you to take care of her after she put you through all of that! They just don't want to deal with her anymore - and just aren't telling you that part.
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!
Yes, dr.larks I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
@@madeleinegrayson8372 That's usually because they find a new scapegoat. If they cannot find one, they will do everything possible to get back the old scapegoat.
My father told me for many years I would not be included in his will.. I still have the letter from him taking me off the will. He sent it a few days before Christmas.. I told him thanks, best Christmas gift ever and went no contact. A few years later he committed suicide under the care of his narcissistic daughter. He was 94.. hummmm
Mine as poor as a church mouse 🐁, he supported her and her bastard son, when asked if I wanted to go through his things, nope 🙅🏻, he was in public housing and she prob got kicked out, I don't owe them anything I'm good with that!
It's so comforting to know these behavior patterns are common. I was cleaning some old emails and found one from my narc father asking me to come home for the holidays. I calmly responded I wouldn't feel comfortable after the last time I was home when he blew up at me and I quoted what hurtful things he said. His response: denied it! Fast forward 20 years, he did, indeed, cut me out of his will. He forgot to remove me from his life insurance. Interesting to note, I got no enjoyment from that money because everything with him was clouded and lacked generosity and joy.
I had all of that when I talked to them. But my story of going no contact is quite different. Since then, it's SILENCE. They do not care, they can't cope as mature adults. You just cease to exist. I know because it happened with my father when I was a child. He became "you know who" and only because I talked about him from time to time. But he was as good as dead. So am I to them. It's sad, unhealthy and I am still ashamed. The silver lining is I don't live in drama anymore. The abuse is in the past. But I grieve for a family I never had.
That's the beauty of it though.....Now you get to create your own loving healthy family❤️🩹.As my life motto goes...I'd rather have even just a single lovely 🌹 growing in my garden than an entire yard full of poison ivy.
Don’t be ashamed. You did nothing wrong. You’ve shared your story with us. Start to share it with people you know. So many of us are dealing with unhealthy family issues. I know too many people who have abuse, trauma, and addiction as part of their family’s story. Some people have more than one trauma to deal with. You’re not alone. You’re not the only person who has emotionally immature family members. All of us who are commenting on this video also have emotionally immature family members. We see you. We want the best for you.😊
I have cut off contact with the two people who were the most toxic and abusive my mother and brother. I had enough and now that they are out of my life I am happy with no drama.
I had multiple rounds of every single thing spoken about in this video. Three years after no contact I still doubt myself as I was conditioned to do so and then I hear your words and realize I am not insane and evil... I'm going to be ok.
I replace the word “family” with “cult” and it all makes so much more sense. Therapy is a part of my deprogramming but staying away from the cult has been essential to understand where they end and I begin.
Exactly. I think my parents did try to start a cult, without their thinking of it that way. They got all uber-religious but not like anything in any known religion. Just kind of went off on their own, self published a bunch of books, blah blah. They have the nerve to go off about how families should be and even write about scapegoating "straying" children and whatever, and I'm all, "Dear Reader, have you **met** my parents??!" Anywho. Sorry for what you've been through. It really is hard, but that's what this community is for, so I'm glad we're here!
My mom has followed me and has isolated me from everyone in the family, she has accused me of everything she did, she tried to destroy my marriage, she paid people to follow me and tried to ruin my career in a job where reputation matters. When I fell ill during the pandemic she said that if I hadn't died already I should give my body to science and that I was a liar. I've always been ill all my childhood. She also said if I were ill it was a punishment cause I didn't respect my parents (my dad who divorced her ended up listening to her and he was all I had, I loved him so much). One day, she said that she had an abortion after I was born and that she made a mistake, I'm the one she should have thrown away. She is the most despicable person ever and people think she's awesome. Even though she did all this, I'm glad she's out of my life. It was worth it. I can't stand her before I left her I'd throw up at the sound of her voice. How sad this is.
I'm in a position that i neither care what they do nor can they really do anything of substance to me or mine. I wish the same for all of you, and you can get there if you keep going and don't give up.
Ive gone no contact with my Birth Family. Absolutely no respect for my wife or me treated like 3rd class Citizen's. Tried my hardest to no avail. Now ive escaped i realise how toxic they have been they certainly didn't love me ! Anyway im moving on and up me and my wife have peaceful weekends now with our Cocker spaniel. Mark from England.
Mark, I'm in the same boat. I'm the wife, received the same treatment from them. My husband stood up for me and I'm to blame for everything according to the monster-in-law narcissist. Like you and your wife, we enjoy our time together with our Shih Tzu pup. Enjoy your life together, it's your life and it is not for outsiders to control!
I went no contact with my adopted parents. A man more than twice my age started a fight with me at a party, but I ended it. My parents were infuriated that I had the gall to fight back. I also have a cocker spaniel, and he is the best dog. Excellent breed :)
That part about you going no contact inadvertently exposes the family is 1000 percent true. I think my FIL is struggling with this bc he has to know I don't like him and he tries to coerce me back into the fold. I'm low contact and he has tried all those tricks: Money, future faking with trips, manipulation with inheritance. Instead of honesty and accountability, I get coercion. They are crazy making people. 😊
🌞👍🏻👍🏻Good on you for not taking that poisoned bait🪤!It's all just "dodo bird prizes" as I call them....The shiny things they dangle in front of you AREN'T ½ as good as they pretend they are because it comes at 10x the price of what it's actually worth.
That's just it! Instead of just being honest and caring and accountable..... NO. They always choose manipulation. Pain. There is no love in these sick people. Once you see it, you can't unsee it. :( It colors everything they do. They cannot change or accept change. It's both sad and yet disgusting.
I never get what i expect from your videos, In the best way! I always learn so much from the way you see and approach the topics you talk about! Thank you so much Jerry! (Btw your program is life changing, I wish I had access to it earlier ❤️)
What you said about if you pull out your puzzle piece, the rest of the puzzle has to adjust. Wow, so true. It is sad how many comments are on this video. Shows how big of a problem this really is.
Reframing the narrative is very popular because they have to make themselves appear to be the victim. They are such “right fighters”, that they need to appear to have done everything right in a given situation. There is no truth in them, especially if they are enraged. So as they retell a story, they come out shining like gold.
Making the decision to go no contact with a parent(s) is a really tough. I finally made that decision after just being fed up with how my mom treats me. Accepting that my mom would never change and that she is in actuality a mean spirited person was a hard pill to swallow because it meant my intuition was right about her. Our mothers are our first love and realizing she never truly loved you, that all the mean and hurtful things said and done to you was a form of abuse. I would always forgive her, thinking she really didn't mean what she said or did because she was tired from work or stressed out from my 5 older siblings. Remembering how I would see my mom treat my brothers and nieces and nephews better and me as if I was so terrible made me make myself small so that I wouldn't make her angry. When she told me I was the mistake I felt like I didn't deserve to live. At 7yrs old I started cutt myself in an attempt to exit my existence. Now at 51 I don't know how I made it this far, but my self care is long over due. Thank you for this video Jerry.🙏🙏🙏✌💜
I've been avoid no contact for the longest and after reading Polyvagal theory, I see how much damage being around very aggressive and domineering people can cause. And as a scapegoat, getting interventions just causes more one sided warfare. People who can handicap another's nervous system with that traumatic rage Jerry mentioned, are necessary candidates for no contact I'm learning. Additional, I heard especially those on ASPD scale really don't honor boundaries. In my family, boundaries are seen more like frivolous obstacles and dweeb is meekly requesting. Gets smacked away harder and lighter than an air puck. Bless you Jerry!
My mother attempted to use Xmas money and bday money for my child as a means to control me. I told her she could put the money in mail. She was like you can come get it. I told her than she can keep it. My toddler doesn’t need it that badly.
Great video. You are absolutely spot on, going no contact exposes the family dysfunction. It's all about the optics with the narcissist, anybody thinking they may be less than perfect is an existential crisis for them.
I have made the decision to go nc. This is something that i have shamed myself over for the past two years. I have felt so guilty. One day standing firm that i will go nc the other day over come with so much guilt and shame telling myself that im the problem just accept it and get in line and love your family. But deep down knowing that i know the truth and i can't unknow it. Its time to walk. God please give me the strength to do this
oh❤its dificult even to read it! the most powerful is to forgive them... not easy, often i question if their brain does realise how evil and hurtinh they act ... life is not black&white... relationships are complicated :/
I've been there. I have met people that thought she had four kids when she actually had 5. I was the kid she never talked about. However, I had an extended family that was AWESOME. Therefore, I never felt bad, just amused.
Hopefully you wete adopted and the A.holes you left behind wernt actually yours, just be happy and focus on your own happyness, it might sound selfish but who else will think about your happyness, good luck
Wowwwww My toxic grandmother went to a wedding of one of her daughters. When one of the daughters stopped by the table to say hi to toxic Grandma, toxic Grandma replied with “who are you?” What the.
@@Tasa1k0BelovedRelationships may be complicated....But abuse sure isn't.Abuse is abuse. Forgiveness is for ourselves & allowing ourselves to move on... Reconciliation is for others & there is no reconciling with these ice-cold abusive individuals.
My father decided that I was a victim of "False Memory Syndrome" and this was something my therapist was feeding me lies. I had one joint session and then went no contact on Father's Day. He told everyone who asked about me this, so if I blamed him and told people, he would be covered. He had no concern about me. DARVO .
Thank you, Jerry. I need the validation that it's ok that I'm living a happier life after going no contact with my family who never wanted me in the first place.
In 2016, i cut off everyone I knew and moved across the country. They found me. Since my restraining order against them expired in 2020, they sent cards, gifts, my cousin who moved nearby, and then my mother popped up at my door again this past April. Their persistence only makes me stronger.
Just remember that your worth and identity is not determined by a certain group of people, or any people for that matter. By treating you this way they did not determine your worth, they just exposed what's inside of THEM, what they're made of and what type of people they are. You don't need phony people around you, find the ones that have good and decency and love inside of them 😊👊🏼
After years, decades, sometimes lives, they finally accept the non contact because the scapegoat is entering the hard phase life : aging. During all that time, they have plotted and watched. Now, they still watch owing to the flying monkeys and everything they find. Thus, they will get their fuel even if the scapegoat is far away, suffering from illnesses, solitude or a bad life.
..... Only if we let them.We WERE absolutely victims but it's up to us in regards to whether or not we choose to work on healing ultimately, they're not actually part of that no matter how important they may delusionally believe they are.It's a lot of effort & time to heal but it's well worth it❤️🩹.
Scapegoating can backfire. Narcs don't expect the scapegoat to embrace that role, love it and become it fully which in turn exposes the narc to the entire community. Some people really do not care what anyone thinks of them... That's the only way to truly be free.
My narc family only ever reaches out to me when they want material to use against me, or to rip apart anything that's good in my life. I had to go no contact to protect myself and heal (still working on that, with God's grace and love).
I so wish my narc mother would just accept the fact I do not want to hear from her anymore, of course I blocked her phone number but she keeps leaving messages into my answering machine, which sadly cannot be blocked. She is trying to hover me in order to punish me further and she does not allow me to simply forget she exists. Se knows what she's doing. Fortunately all my sisters were previously abused by her, so at least they are happy I am now no contact. It's sad but I will only find peace when she will be gone.
@@TheHelenhunter useless, I should give my number to the rest of the family and she would manage to get it from someone. But I found a different solution, I blocked notifications from the answering machine :) Thanks for your suggestion though
I don't want a inheritance from my mother. Not a single thing. I told my aunt I had to cut ties with my mothers siblings because she would use anyone she could to get to me. All while my aunt was being used to manipulate me. She got a few hundred buck from me and it was worth every penny. That was the last contact I had with any of them. Then I moved half way across the country. The one person I see that she does is my sister. She's schizophrenic. Lives in a nursing home. Makes it hard to manipulate her. I still have a great relationship with my sister, my dad, my children & grandchildren. My husband's family is great. We live near them now. My children have all been hurt by her. They have very little to do with her. Every once in a while they see her at a holiday but rarely. After my grandpa passed away there was nobody that made it worth the pain.
You have said something that really made sense to me. Things that they will lie to shame you. That's exactly what my doctor parents did to me. I told all people stuff to shame me. I have foster parents bring stuff up in my face.
Went no contact 6 months ago and you hit the nail on the head! Had to get a warrant out on the egg donor for criminal trespassing stressed out but holding my ground.
All of this is very good advice. You have described my mother's behavior more accurately than I could have when I was living with her. I wish I'd had something like this 50 years ago. Thank you.
Ive yet to watch but in my experience they use you going no contact to further play the victim as to especially why she has threated me this way but also to further her lies to others. Ive no contact pre covid 2019.. and my life is more peaceful
I'm coming up on 7 years no contact. We've had one family function in that time - a funeral - and he was embarrassing and awful, but my cousins had my back. His siblings have asked me lots of questions about it which I understand. One in particular who I'm quite close to I would bet is hearing the brunt of it from him and likely being blamed for my decision. My brother didn't officially go NC like I did by writing a letter, but he's adopted the same behavior. We're both so much freer now.
Hi Jerry, I want to thank you so much for all your videos. It has helped me greatly with processing and understand my family situation. Your videos have been very healing for me. You’re very much appreciated. Thank you 😊
Jerry, this video might be the one helping me the most, my parents passed away physically but all of my siblings are the system worse than a cult, and they are pushing hard wich makes me feel dense emotions, but this has made a click in my mind, im waiting those 5 years you said, this is my first one ...God please help us all haha! thank you very much, you are A BLESSING ON EARTH!!
I really appreciate this video. I’ve been low contact and my mom just played victim and made me look like the bad guy with my aunt recently. I was upset for a while and feeling guilt/shame and then realized I don’t need to prove anything and get wrapped back up in the drama. I went low contact for my own self care and mental health, and I’m owning that.
I am NC/LC in the same house as the parent. I am risking inheritance just because I won't be verbally abused anymore. They really don't seem to care, but there have been things set up to try an trick me into asking questions. I wont do it. A bit of niceties given that will never balance out the accusations and insults. No apologies from them, ever. I can't remember apologies ever being offered throughout their crappy parenthood. I was a good sport for most of my life. All it got me was maneuvered into a financial crisis. I expect the parent will spend all the money, so why be abused another 10 yrs?
Reasonable reasoning, sorry for words play Actually it is called "future faking"... They promise mountains of gold or whatever they promise to charm you back just to insult you and to turn you into enemy No1... My mom did it to me, so does my ex..... Be careful, please
I avoided my parents for years and had low contact and it was your channel that gave me the knowledge of something called no contact. So it was easy to make the decision. I know that if I had been in contact with them I would have been so triggered and that makes it worse and that makes me sick. So its the best thing I ever done. Now I work on myself.
I finally learned what boundaries were and would not play into my stepmother's emotional manipulation anymore. My parents turned insidious and convinced a lot of family members not to attend our baby shower. They went no contact with us and lied to everyone that it was us cutting the contact. It hurt at the time, but now I feel free.
I went no-contact with my alcoholic, narcissistic mother 8 years ago. She’s played every angle possible. Unfortunately my life is so peaceful without her.
Thank you! I'm glad to hear that my advice resonated with you. If you’d like more support on your journey, feel free to join my free training: jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027.
If I am honest with myself I wasn't really part of the family.. This includes my mom's 7 sisters and 1 brother.. Or anybody that my parents or siblings knew.. It was more about me accepting that and then living my own life..
I can so relate to that. I had one family member I felt close to, my grandmother. After she died in 2001, and I lived 2,000 miles away, I slowly went low contact for ages. And the rest of the family always rallied around my mum, never, ever behind me. Always the outsider. Later I discovered I was very much like my absent father, which is probably why. I always said I felt like a wolf being raised by bears. So being a lone wolf was bound to happen
I totally agree what you did say about no contacted on the narcissists family hadn't seen my family over 30years. I did try to reconcile with them it back fired on the phone. Putting over 300miles away did help tremendously 😊 Thank you Jerry for your input it most definitely means a lot what you are saying.
I finally went no contact with my dad after he blew up and disowned me, sending me a hateful, angry letter and wrote me out of his will in February. He then blew up and berated my son and brother afterwards, they blocked his phone number. No contact on his birthday, or Father's Day. I was amazed on July 4th he texted me a holiday meme, testing the waters I suppose. No response. He's probably feeling lonely, wondering why no one wants to talk to him. You can't kick a dog, then expect him to lick your hand and kiss your face.
My narcissistic mother involved me in shady deals, loans, and property purchases back when I was younger. I didn't question or read all the things she got me to sign, because it never occurred to me that I couldn't trust her. Now, I'm trying to go no-contact, but can't, because I'm tied to her in this way. 😒😮💨
My mother/siblings are bitter, hateful bullies. This year my name was smeared as the scape goat and no contact has been healing. Only missing the love I never had from them.
Today, I am weary. My sister and I are estranged. Our brother is an alcoholic/narcissist. Our brother lives with our Mom - who has chronic pain. Our parents enabled our brother for 50+ years. I am tired of being cut off my my sister. But I don't miss the "never can live up to what she expects (appearances)."
4:43 LMAO, when you said, “I know someone who was threatened with $30 million dollars,” I said, “Oh, sh*t!” LMAO. That’s a lot of money. I started laughing when you said that maybe you could be bought after all, who knows. Great video as usual.
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027
‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self
This is my reality atm. I'm 40 yr old single parent with 3 boys my middle child has complex medical needs so I moved home to the family property to live with my father because of complete burnout. My father started treating my middle son like he treats me. I called him out on his behaviour. He got physical and I have gone almost no contact since then. Me and my boys are currently Homeless and I doubt myself everyday whether I'm the toxic one and then I'll watch you or another UA-camr that lists all the things my father did. During the year I lived with my father my boys ADHD medication kept disappearing turned out that when I was taking my boys to drs appointments or was shopping my father would sell the boys ADHD med's for cash. Now he is telling all my siblings and the rest of my family that I was the one doing it. I lived on a street that had 13 drug dealers ( I live in Australia) 2 were weed dealers the rest were harder drugs with labs.
I have always been the one that gets the blame, my niece's acting out when they were teenagers my fault, my other niece (18)fell pregnant 6 months after I fell pregnant with my middle boy, my fault I was 25 at the time and engaged to be married. she lived more than 700 miles away from me.
They are just the easier ones that don't hurt as much now.
I've had other family members threaten mine and my boys lives if I go to the police. I'm just trying to get out of the town that I haven't been allowed to leave since I was born, my middle boys medical needs have stopped us from leaving as quickly as I would like. Some of his symptoms are from the trauma, his currently in a wheelchair and its just me, I have no support. How does anyone do this and survive to the other side.
Sorry didn't mean to trauma dump.
I just wanted to say thank you finding you helps me deal a little bit everyday.
😊
“If you go no contact with us, we’ll go no contact with you!”
Don’t threaten me with a good time 😂
This is why when i blocked my mothers number she blocked mine 😮😮
🤣🥳🎉🎉🎉
Or they do false accusations at child care. Truth came out, but it scared my heart
That is comedy gold!!!!...thankyou for that tidbit.
@@solofemaletravelerme been there done that. I struggled paycheque to paycheque in tiny apartments for years. But my mental state was much improved even if money was tight.
No contact is hard, but it will eventually get better. But if you don’t have the conviction to stick to your decision-no matter what life throws at you-I don’t think no contact is for you.
No amount of money is worth being chained to someone who is manipulative and controlling. No thank Q. I'll make my own money.
No thank Q....love it 😂
Going through the same thing, but am having trouble finding work. Career shipped overseas and replaced by AI.
I have no car now and no income and my family totally abandoned me. I've supported myself my whole life and have my own apartment, but had some bad luck financially due to poor health from overworking myself. I think I would rather be on the street than tied to them.
💯 well said!! In my experience, me as well. Manipulation & money are a narcissitic person 's main "hold very much 0ver their supplies"
@@brianna094me too!! In my experience, been homeless to avoid their abuse & manipulative treatment & it does work* control in your life*
My mom truly destroyed my life. Now I need to fix what's left as best as possible.
Cut your losses and count your blessings, that you know is half the battle, sorry for your pain I am sure you are an amazing person, mom belittled me at every chance, enjoyed destroying people, a cult, anyone in her inner circle fooled until they did a narc injury then it was slander at will, I enjoyed her cie until she found me boring than she found other uses for me torturing me to uplift herself, no one to tell really, normal people don't want to hear it and rack it up to reg family drama!
@@joseenoel8093Same here
Same
❤ Hope you find love and peace. Sending you good energy
Same here. It’s hell on earth.
Smear campaigns
Silent treatment
All-out war
Siblings engaged as flying monkeys
"Anonymous" letters in the mail
Full on discard
My parents are such bitter people. It's hard to miss them.
Exactly what I’m going through now . Older sisters kiss my parents ass who were the worst and all smear me and call me a liar
It's great no contact, don't have to worry about their behaviors! Enjoy your sanity.
@@stevec3892 Same. I've been no contact for 5 years.
threats--consequences--dangling goodies/ carrots! It did not work with ME , I am ME!
I understand completely...i dont miss mine as individuals but i do miss having a childhood and real family
Why did the narcissist cross the road? They thought it was a boundary.
Very good, well said!
Lol, love it.🎉
bruh
😂❤❤
@@littledroogy ♡ A joyful life is already too short, laugh while you are able.
I tried for so many years, and finally went NC. No guilt, shame or remorse. Just freedom and peace. Jerry is right about NC being self-care. I was neglecting myself and my needs by continuing my own torture being around those people. I don’t care what they lie about, I gave my narc mother the ultimate sob story she’s always wanted to play victim. Woe is her forever. Except I no longer have to play the game, knowing my name was already being smeared as the scapegoat.
I still feel sad that I was forced into this, but I'm 1000% better off as a person for doing it.
Megan, your life story is very similar to mine. My Mother too NEEDS to be a victim for her audience. I went no contact after my FOURTH mental breakdown ( I'm 63 now lol, so they were spaced out some 🤣) and feel PEACE. Ofcourse to quote Billie Eilish "I'm the bad guy" . The whole Rotary movement of the British Isles have probably heard how wronged she is by the ungrateful one but hey, I'm the Truth Teller and truth is a misnomer in our treatcherous family. Self-care ? I wasn't allowed to use the word "I" when growing up - my grandiose father called me selfish. Kids do not ASK to be born.
@@johedges5946 I’m HOWLING at the British Isles reference 😂😂😂 but that’s exactly how they are! Screaming from the rooftops of how we’ve wronged them. Proud of you for breaking free as well, no matter how much time it took us!
The narc teaches us to neglect ourselves from birth
Well said!
Jerry, I had no idea that you know my mother! LOL
I know, right? He keeps reading from my diary verbatim. Lol.
Lol
He knows mine too 😅😉😉😉😉
When I left my parents to live with my boyfriend at around 19 I thought things would instantly change. I thought getting away from my mom would heal me magically and suddenly. No one told me about how the voices of your parents linger, even when you get away from them. The sooner the better for everyone
Please, get guidance and support group
.....But with time, effort, & some kindness for ourselves those lingering voices eventually gradually begin to fade until 1 day they're gone❤️🩹.Best wishes for your healing journey.
Yesss...and I might sound a bit cold but when I heard my dad died I felt more relief that he wasn't here anymore than sadness....but I seem to still have a deep love for him and my mom I'm just not affected by their absence or death if tht makes sense
Yes and I jumped right to a narc husband for this reason - 😢
Going NC was best decision ever. That’s when my healing truly began. I have never been happier.
I find all of it sad. My mom has admitted to me several times that I am the honest, trustworthy child but she turns my siblings against me and uses me as a scapegoat and way to get pity. She knows she is wrong how she treats me is wrong but the payoff for her works. My siblings know better but I think they enjoy acting evil without guilt. They think I deserve it all. They thought that when I was 9, 11, 15, 23, 39, and 55. It never stops. Sad. But they do not care.
My Mom was jealous of me and Dad looking alike. Whenever she was mad at him, she was mad at me 🤔 and I didn't do anything!
Same here....big hug for you.
And then they try to make you feel bad about not wanting to be their punching bag/scapegoat anymore. I have a not spoken to my mother in three years after her last gaslighting attempt. She dragged my oldest daughter into (with $$$$$) and she got the same treatment as Mom did. My 3 sisters decided to chime in- and they too were thrown to the wind.
I refuse to continue to live the second half of my life in turmoil regardless of who I have to be seperated from. I am going to be happy dang it because I deserve to be!
Hahaha same here I'm in my mid 60s.
Profound mental illness. What's the benefit connecting? Zero!
I relate. Glad we're both still here and fighting for a happier outcome, no matter the struggle.
Block stop ✋🛑 she's only out to torture you, that's what golden child's for, I'm next of kin watching her back, not very hard competition, she tortures the other ones saying you're the favorite, good luck you've lasted this long, I'm no contact all around, it's the least I can do! 😊
My parents went straight to silent treatments the first moment I tried to be heard. It's not like they were trying to contact me. The rule was simple, shut up or phukc off. No in-between. They have told everybody I broke *their* heart, while giving me the cold shoulder for 4+ years
Well, we hear you, and you are validated❤
Empty self involved people
🍀
That's what they do! Play the victim. While they act like Furious Wolves behind the scenes.
Be thankful they leave you the heck alone, these people are completely unhinged MONSTERS🤢🤮.
My family don't care about losing me. Because there's nothing else they can take from me
Been there. They never cared in the first place.
Be careful
Love bombing and hooverings fell me very deep down
By my mom and my ex
I had to hospitalise myself in mental institution, in closed unit. And even there they were able reach me and has me...
Be careful
THEY like predators and know when you at your weakest...
May my prayers go with you
@@matikramer9648 I'm really sorry you went through all of this xx
@@matikramer9648 They really are like predators. :( They don't stop. :( Even months after I went no-contact, my mother attempted to hoover me. Even while smearing me to people. It's like she cannot conceive that a NORMAL person doesn't want to help someone who is INSULTING them behind their backs. It's delusional. And yet, it makes their victims go insane also. I hope you have loving people around you to keep you grounded in reality. :(
Narcissist is one thing. Covert is worse!
Covert narcissist is worse
Want to know the WORST thing?All full-blown narcs can behave in a covert manner depending upon the time/situation/🎯/place🤢.This is why it's so important to understand both the covert & overt types of behavior, they're typically a mix of BOTH types of behaviors even if they primarily exhibit 1 type🤮.
Yes because others think the narc is a nice person, but dont know how horrible she is.
Them going no contact with me was the best gift ever. But, my narc mother did all of these. She became livid when she couldn't buy me with the inheritance ... and that was the end of it.
I don't mind losing my inheritance because I went no contact with my family. I don't want their money or their belongings. It's a small price to pay for "freedom ".
😇
So many going no contact. I've noticed you also speak about this more now than your previous videos. People are realizing apologies and boundaries don't work with too many dysfunctional families. People are now putting all the pieces of the puzzle together learning it is not just 1 or 2 events .. it's a history of disrespect and mistreatment
No contact for over 30 years still tries through my children and even grandchildren
Wow....good for you. I wish i had known about it all earlier.
Exactly how Narcism operates …going no contact is the only solution. Anything else is permission to them to continue their behavior. And they will every time. Regardless of what they say or do to get you back, in the end….its only about what they want. It’s never about you. They don’t care about you except for what you can do for them. Don’t ever, ever believe they care about you because it’s just not possible for them …even if you are their child.
It's the flying monkey that reaches out and gains status / family approval by reporting back to the abusers. Awful
I had to go no contact with them, too.
The scapegoating/smear campaign is what happened when I went NC with my mom. The last family function we were at together, I overheard her talking sh*t about me to other relatives. It sucks. But I know the family member who know me, know what the lies are and hopefully see and appreciate that I have never stooped to that level. I feel like the fact that she has and I haven't speaks volumes about us and what's going on.
Many people balk at no contact due to lost inheritance but I believe if you frame it differently you'll see a dividend. In addition to the savings of wasted time and energy you will literally save thousands potentially spent on therapy and treatments for the illnesses they will cause. See it like cutting a tumor out of your brain. And then being freed up to bring better people and experiences into the rest of your life. Best wishes everyone and massive appreciation to our esteemed Jerry. ❤
They were never going to leave you an inheritance anyway. Plus, if they were hoarders, then that means you don't have to deal with the serious problems of their hoarder houses. There are UA-cam videos that show what those are really like, and it's a real bio-hazard.
The inheritance carrot was a laugh when my Ndad played that card. We all know they’re going to be buried with their money regardless of our status with them.
I was physically, verbally and emotionally abused since a kid. Parents were heavy drinkers. I lived my life in confusion and frustration until my late 50's. I've been no contact now for 7 years. Now my mom is in poor health, near the end of her days and the family says they need me to help care for her.
I'm not going back. And yes, i do have feelings of guilt, hurt, anger and regret, wondering why my family was so dysfunctional. They say I'm the selfish one for leaving. It hasn't been easy.
They guilt tripping you
Can you go to full no contact? Do you have support group or guidance?
You're not!
Don't go back. :( I made the mistake of getting hoovered back for my dad's terminal illness. My mother used and abused me financially, isolating me from my husband AND my kids. It was sick. I can't believe i fell for it. She future-faked me that if I helped her with the house repairs (and there were SO MANY REPAIRS), she would sell the house and move to a safer assisted living community that my dad even wanted to move into! Many thousands of dollars later... of MY MONEY, MY TIME, and having quit my job to stay alone with these sick delusional people in their hoarded house, getting yelled at for unblocking doorways and throwing away rotten moldy shit, she said she didn't want to sell the house. And refused to give me a POA, but was doing financially stupid things, and asking me to fix them, and then getting mad at me when I did. It's hopeless to help true narcissists. My mother-in-law was NOT like this, when she became elderly. She and my father-in-law downsized twice as they got older, and they were happy to let my sister-in-law help them with their finances when they became confused. My mother is like that dog on the Tacoma Narrows Bridge when it was collapsing, that bit its owner when it tried to pull it from the car. So the dog went down with the bridge. My mother fought my help, and she won. I'm done. No-contact since my poor father's death. It's been my salvation, and the salvation of my husband and kids.
@matikramer9648
I don't see them or interact with at all. I'm about as full-on, no contact as I can be except changing phone#. It's not hard finding people nowadays unless you make it a point to disappear. I hope others in this situation find the means and strength to get away. Don't be fooled thinking that you can fix it. It just prolongs it. It can be difficult but once your living in peace, you'll never want to be in that or around people like that again.
They're the selfish ones for expecting you to take care of her after she put you through all of that! They just don't want to deal with her anymore - and just aren't telling you that part.
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!
Yes, dr.larks I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
Anxiety happens when you think you have to figure out everything all at once.
Breathe. You're strong. You got this Take it day by
day.
Is he on instagram?
Yes he is. dr.larks
All of that and more. Very glad to live 1000 miles away from it all.
Me too
I did the same in the 70's new city, new friends and a very healthy new surrogate family.
Im 5000 miles away.....somehow still not far enough.
I changed country and continent. The best thing I have ever done in my life.
Almost all of these have happened to me as I've gone low contact.
The only way to go no contact is for them not to have you contact details.
Some of them don't care when you go nc, you don't hear anything for ages. In some ways, it's worse.
@@madeleinegrayson8372 That's usually because they find a new scapegoat. If they cannot find one, they will do everything possible to get back the old scapegoat.
My father told me for many years I would not be included in his will.. I still have the letter from him taking me off the will. He sent it a few days before Christmas.. I told him thanks, best Christmas gift ever and went no contact. A few years later he committed suicide under the care of his narcissistic daughter. He was 94.. hummmm
Mine as poor as a church mouse 🐁, he supported her and her bastard son, when asked if I wanted to go through his things, nope 🙅🏻, he was in public housing and she prob got kicked out, I don't owe them anything I'm good with that!
Hah, if I were you I would’ve been blamed for it due to going no contact!
It's so comforting to know these behavior patterns are common. I was cleaning some old emails and found one from my narc father asking me to come home for the holidays. I calmly responded I wouldn't feel comfortable after the last time I was home when he blew up at me and I quoted what hurtful things he said. His response: denied it! Fast forward 20 years, he did, indeed, cut me out of his will. He forgot to remove me from his life insurance. Interesting to note, I got no enjoyment from that money because everything with him was clouded and lacked generosity and joy.
Out of sight, out of mind. They didn’t noticed me gone. They found new supply.
I had all of that when I talked to them. But my story of going no contact is quite different. Since then, it's SILENCE. They do not care, they can't cope as mature adults. You just cease to exist. I know because it happened with my father when I was a child. He became "you know who" and only because I talked about him from time to time. But he was as good as dead. So am I to them. It's sad, unhealthy and I am still ashamed. The silver lining is I don't live in drama anymore. The abuse is in the past. But I grieve for a family I never had.
Create your own family with friends.
❤❤❤😢aww that's very sad,but unfortunately I guess we all have to create our own families, since we weren't/ aren't loved
That's the beauty of it though.....Now you get to create your own loving healthy family❤️🩹.As my life motto goes...I'd rather have even just a single lovely 🌹 growing in my garden than an entire yard full of poison ivy.
Exactly leaving you searching forever for all the reasons why.
Don’t be ashamed. You did nothing wrong. You’ve shared your story with us. Start to share it with people you know. So many of us are dealing with unhealthy family issues. I know too many people who have abuse, trauma, and addiction as part of their family’s story. Some people have more than one trauma to deal with. You’re not alone. You’re not the only person who has emotionally immature family members. All of us who are commenting on this video also have emotionally immature family members. We see you. We want the best for you.😊
I have cut off contact with the two people who were the most toxic and abusive my mother and brother. I had enough and now that they are out of my life I am happy with no drama.
I had multiple rounds of every single thing spoken about in this video. Three years after no contact I still doubt myself as I was conditioned to do so and then I hear your words and realize I am not insane and evil... I'm going to be ok.
Nothing insane or evil about taking good care of yourself. Well done, you.
I replace the word “family” with “cult” and it all makes so much more sense. Therapy is a part of my deprogramming but staying away from the cult has been essential to understand where they end and I begin.
Exactly. I think my parents did try to start a cult, without their thinking of it that way. They got all uber-religious but not like anything in any known religion. Just kind of went off on their own, self published a bunch of books, blah blah. They have the nerve to go off about how families should be and even write about scapegoating "straying" children and whatever, and I'm all, "Dear Reader, have you **met** my parents??!" Anywho. Sorry for what you've been through. It really is hard, but that's what this community is for, so I'm glad we're here!
When you are breadcrumbed to the point of having no choice but to go no contact it’s fate.
My mom has followed me and has isolated me from everyone in the family, she has accused me of everything she did, she tried to destroy my marriage, she paid people to follow me and tried to ruin my career in a job where reputation matters. When I fell ill during the pandemic she said that if I hadn't died already I should give my body to science and that I was a liar. I've always been ill all my childhood. She also said if I were ill it was a punishment cause I didn't respect my parents (my dad who divorced her ended up listening to her and he was all I had, I loved him so much). One day, she said that she had an abortion after I was born and that she made a mistake, I'm the one she should have thrown away. She is the most despicable person ever and people think she's awesome. Even though she did all this, I'm glad she's out of my life. It was worth it. I can't stand her before I left her I'd throw up at the sound of her voice. How sad this is.
I'm very sorry to hear
I wish you luck in staying away from her. My best wishes and prayers for you and your health
@@matikramer9648 Thank you very much for your message and support. I wish you the best :)
I threw up after a mother's day lunch
I'm in a position that i neither care what they do nor can they really do anything of substance to me or mine.
I wish the same for all of you, and you can get there if you keep going and don't give up.
Yep, it's acceptance. Thank you.
Lucky....im sure you worked hard to be in that position. Im almost there...just a few threads of guilt to obliterate.
@@ElizabethWildy you've got this 💪
Thank you
Much appreciate it
I really needed to hear it today
Ive gone no contact with my Birth Family. Absolutely no respect for my wife or me treated like 3rd class Citizen's.
Tried my hardest to no avail. Now ive escaped i realise how toxic they have been they certainly didn't love me !
Anyway im moving on and up me and my wife have peaceful weekends now with our Cocker spaniel. Mark from England.
Mark, I'm in the same boat. I'm the wife, received the same treatment from them. My husband stood up for me and I'm to blame for everything according to the monster-in-law narcissist. Like you and your wife, we enjoy our time together with our Shih Tzu pup. Enjoy your life together, it's your life and it is not for outsiders to control!
@@shihtzuluvrtwo6386 Thank you you feel like it's only you this is happening too.And you realise your not .Enjoy your life Blessings.
I went no contact with my adopted parents. A man more than twice my age started a fight with me at a party, but I ended it. My parents were infuriated that I had the gall to fight back. I also have a cocker spaniel, and he is the best dog. Excellent breed :)
That part about you going no contact inadvertently exposes the family is 1000 percent true. I think my FIL is struggling with this bc he has to know I don't like him and he tries to coerce me back into the fold. I'm low contact and he has tried all those tricks: Money, future faking with trips, manipulation with inheritance. Instead of honesty and accountability, I get coercion. They are crazy making people. 😊
🌞👍🏻👍🏻Good on you for not taking that poisoned bait🪤!It's all just "dodo bird prizes" as I call them....The shiny things they dangle in front of you AREN'T ½ as good as they pretend they are because it comes at 10x the price of what it's actually worth.
That's just it! Instead of just being honest and caring and accountable..... NO. They always choose manipulation. Pain. There is no love in these sick people. Once you see it, you can't unsee it. :( It colors everything they do. They cannot change or accept change. It's both sad and yet disgusting.
Narcissists all hate no contact.
I never get what i expect from your videos, In the best way! I always learn so much from the way you see and approach the topics you talk about! Thank you so much Jerry!
(Btw your program is life changing, I wish I had access to it earlier ❤️)
Happy to hear that!
What you said about if you pull out your puzzle piece, the rest of the puzzle has to adjust. Wow, so true. It is sad how many comments are on this video. Shows how big of a problem this
really is.
Reframing the narrative is very popular because they have to make themselves appear to be the victim. They are such “right fighters”, that they need to appear to have done everything right in a given situation. There is no truth in them, especially if they are enraged. So as they retell a story, they come out shining like gold.
....But the wise & healthy can still 👀 that they're just a 💩 spray painted with cheap gold paint.😉👍🏻
Making the decision to go no contact with a parent(s) is a really tough. I finally made that decision after just being fed up with how my mom treats me. Accepting that my mom would never change and that she is in actuality a mean spirited person was a hard pill to swallow because it meant my intuition was right about her. Our mothers are our first love and realizing she never truly loved you, that all the mean and hurtful things said and done to you was a form of abuse. I would always forgive her, thinking she really didn't mean what she said or did because she was tired from work or stressed out from my 5 older siblings. Remembering how I would see my mom treat my brothers and nieces and nephews better and me as if I was so terrible made me make myself small so that I wouldn't make her angry. When she told me I was the mistake I felt like I didn't deserve to live. At 7yrs old I started cutt myself in an attempt to exit my existence. Now at 51 I don't know how I made it this far, but my self care is long over due. Thank you for this video Jerry.🙏🙏🙏✌💜
I've been avoid no contact for the longest and after reading Polyvagal theory, I see how much damage being around very aggressive and domineering people can cause.
And as a scapegoat, getting interventions just causes more one sided warfare.
People who can handicap another's nervous system with that traumatic rage Jerry mentioned, are necessary candidates for no contact I'm learning.
Additional, I heard especially those on ASPD scale really don't honor boundaries. In my family, boundaries are seen more like frivolous obstacles and dweeb is meekly requesting. Gets smacked away harder and lighter than an air puck.
Bless you Jerry!
I dunno Jerry; if 30 mil is on the line I might have to compromise 😄. Great video as always!
That's mere chump change for your happiness, peace, & overall health!🤗
My mother attempted to use Xmas money and bday money for my child as a means to control me. I told her she could put the money in mail. She was like you can come get it. I told her than she can keep it. My toddler doesn’t need it that badly.
Disgraceful...they have no ground level when it comes to manipulation.
I can't tell you how much your videos have helped me, Jerry. Thank you so much. 🙏🏼
Happy to hear that!😊
Great video. You are absolutely spot on, going no contact exposes the family dysfunction. It's all about the optics with the narcissist, anybody thinking they may be less than perfect is an existential crisis for them.
Thank you much!
The abuse continues no matter what. Lovely society.
I have made the decision to go nc. This is something that i have shamed myself over for the past two years. I have felt so guilty. One day standing firm that i will go nc the other day over come with so much guilt and shame telling myself that im the problem just accept it and get in line and love your family. But deep down knowing that i know the truth and i can't unknow it. Its time to walk. God please give me the strength to do this
My mother sent me a geneology tree and I wasn't even on it!!!! My sister was, but not me. I think they just hope people won't know I exist.
oh❤its dificult even to read it! the most powerful is to forgive them... not easy, often i question if their brain does realise how evil and hurtinh they act ... life is not black&white... relationships are complicated :/
I've been there. I have met people that thought she had four kids when she actually had 5. I was the kid she never talked about. However, I had an extended family that was AWESOME. Therefore, I never felt bad, just amused.
Hopefully you wete adopted and the A.holes you left behind wernt actually yours, just be happy and focus on your own happyness, it might sound selfish but who else will think about your happyness, good luck
Wowwwww
My toxic grandmother went to a wedding of one of her daughters. When one of the daughters stopped by the table to say hi to toxic Grandma, toxic Grandma replied with “who are you?”
What the.
@@Tasa1k0BelovedRelationships may be complicated....But abuse sure isn't.Abuse is abuse. Forgiveness is for ourselves & allowing ourselves to move on... Reconciliation is for others & there is no reconciling with these ice-cold abusive individuals.
🎯 You expressed my sentiments regarding my reason for going no contact.
Going no contact is about ME ,it's because I cannot be a person that I am not.
Great video. I'm so glad I dont have to lose this battle w myself anymore. I'll keep reminding myself no contact is self care. ❤
You got this!👍🏼
My father decided that I was a victim of "False Memory Syndrome" and this was something my therapist was feeding me lies. I had one joint session and then went no contact on Father's Day. He told everyone who asked about me this, so if I blamed him and told people, he would be covered. He had no concern about me. DARVO .
Thank you, Jerry. I need the validation that it's ok that I'm living a happier life after going no contact with my family who never wanted me in the first place.
You deserve the happy life you want ❤️
In 2016, i cut off everyone I knew and moved across the country. They found me. Since my restraining order against them expired in 2020, they sent cards, gifts, my cousin who moved nearby, and then my mother popped up at my door again this past April. Their persistence only makes me stronger.
Stay strong and flexible
My children wanted to change their surname
May the providence guide you
Twenty years ago they all went away together and never asked me .
Awful...
@@ElizabethWildyAwful, sure......But it's also a darn gift in disguise ultimately baby🌞👍🏻!
Just remember that your worth and identity is not determined by a certain group of people, or any people for that matter. By treating you this way they did not determine your worth, they just exposed what's inside of THEM, what they're made of and what type of people they are. You don't need phony people around you, find the ones that have good and decency and love inside of them 😊👊🏼
After years, decades, sometimes lives, they finally accept the non contact because the scapegoat is entering the hard phase life : aging. During all that time, they have plotted and watched. Now, they still watch owing to the flying monkeys and everything they find. Thus, they will get their fuel even if the scapegoat is far away, suffering from illnesses, solitude or a bad life.
..... Only if we let them.We WERE absolutely victims but it's up to us in regards to whether or not we choose to work on healing ultimately, they're not actually part of that no matter how important they may delusionally believe they are.It's a lot of effort & time to heal but it's well worth it❤️🩹.
Yes, they are perpetual creepers. :(
That's why posting fake "Look at my great life!" images on social media is so important. Never let them know when you're vulnerable.
Scapegoating can backfire. Narcs don't expect the scapegoat to embrace that role, love it and become it fully which in turn exposes the narc to the entire community. Some people really do not care what anyone thinks of them... That's the only way to truly be free.
My narc family only ever reaches out to me when they want material to use against me, or to rip apart anything that's good in my life. I had to go no contact to protect myself and heal (still working on that, with God's grace and love).
I so wish my narc mother would just accept the fact I do not want to hear from her anymore, of course I blocked her phone number but she keeps leaving messages into my answering machine, which sadly cannot be blocked. She is trying to hover me in order to punish me further and she does not allow me to simply forget she exists. Se knows what she's doing. Fortunately all my sisters were previously abused by her, so at least they are happy I am now no contact. It's sad but I will only find peace when she will be gone.
May you find peace and serenity sooner, much sooner.
Change phone #?
@@TheHelenhunter useless, I should give my number to the rest of the family and she would manage to get it from someone. But I found a different solution, I blocked notifications from the answering machine :) Thanks for your suggestion though
I don't want a inheritance from my mother. Not a single thing. I told my aunt I had to cut ties with my mothers siblings because she would use anyone she could to get to me. All while my aunt was being used to manipulate me. She got a few hundred buck from me and it was worth every penny. That was the last contact I had with any of them. Then I moved half way across the country. The one person I see that she does is my sister. She's schizophrenic. Lives in a nursing home. Makes it hard to manipulate her. I still have a great relationship with my sister, my dad, my children & grandchildren. My husband's family is great. We live near them now. My children have all been hurt by her. They have very little to do with her. Every once in a while they see her at a holiday but rarely. After my grandpa passed away there was nobody that made it worth the pain.
🍀
You have said something that really made sense to me. Things that they will lie to shame you. That's exactly what my doctor parents did to me. I told all people stuff to shame me. I have foster parents bring stuff up in my face.
Went no contact 6 months ago and you hit the nail on the head! Had to get a warrant out on the egg donor for criminal trespassing stressed out but holding my ground.
You are describing my mom.
Thank you, Jerry
I will take your last words seriously
All of this is very good advice. You have described my mother's behavior more accurately than I could have when I was living with her. I wish I'd had something like this 50 years ago. Thank you.
All of your videos are spot on. ❤
Glad you like them!😊
Ive yet to watch but in my experience they use you going no contact to further play the victim as to especially why she has threated me this way but also to further her lies to others. Ive no contact pre covid 2019.. and my life is more peaceful
I'm coming up on 7 years no contact. We've had one family function in that time - a funeral - and he was embarrassing and awful, but my cousins had my back. His siblings have asked me lots of questions about it which I understand. One in particular who I'm quite close to I would bet is hearing the brunt of it from him and likely being blamed for my decision. My brother didn't officially go NC like I did by writing a letter, but he's adopted the same behavior. We're both so much freer now.
❤❤❤u r jerry wise,..the irony..thank u 😊
Very helpful and intuitive
Glad it was helpful!🙂
I love you Jerry!!! ❤
When i meet extended family i say I'm the baa•aa•aad one, they laugh. Just make a joke out of the ridiculous behaviour of your "Loving Family". 😂
GREEEEEEAAAAAAAT VIDEO 🥳💯🙏🏽
Hi Jerry, I want to thank you so much for all your videos. It has helped me greatly with processing and understand my family situation. Your videos have been very healing for me. You’re very much appreciated. Thank you 😊
I concur
Jerry, this video might be the one helping me the most, my parents passed away physically but all of my siblings are the system worse than a cult, and they are pushing hard wich makes me feel dense emotions, but this has made a click in my mind, im waiting those 5 years you said, this is my first one ...God please help us all haha! thank you very much, you are A BLESSING ON EARTH!!
I really appreciate this video. I’ve been low contact and my mom just played victim and made me look like the bad guy with my aunt recently. I was upset for a while and feeling guilt/shame and then realized I don’t need to prove anything and get wrapped back up in the drama. I went low contact for my own self care and mental health, and I’m owning that.
My mother now97 stole and conned me out of all my money 30 yrs ago to control me financially since then .I have gonenocontact for8months now.
I am NC/LC in the same house as the parent. I am risking inheritance just because I won't be verbally abused anymore. They really don't seem to care, but there have been things set up to try an trick me into asking questions. I wont do it. A bit of niceties given that will never balance out the accusations and insults. No apologies from them, ever. I can't remember apologies ever being offered throughout their crappy parenthood. I was a good sport for most of my life. All it got me was maneuvered into a financial crisis. I expect the parent will spend all the money, so why be abused another 10 yrs?
Reasonable reasoning, sorry for words play
Actually it is called "future faking"... They promise mountains of gold or whatever they promise to charm you back just to insult you and to turn you into enemy No1... My mom did it to me, so does my ex..... Be careful, please
Even if they don't spend it all narcs are highly likely to donate it all to charity to spite you even after you care for them in their old age.
I avoided my parents for years and had low contact and it was your channel that gave me the knowledge of something called no contact. So it was easy to make the decision. I know that if I had been in contact with them I would have been so triggered and that makes it worse and that makes me sick. So its the best thing I ever done. Now I work on myself.
I finally learned what boundaries were and would not play into my stepmother's emotional manipulation anymore. My parents turned insidious and convinced a lot of family members not to attend our baby shower. They went no contact with us and lied to everyone that it was us cutting the contact. It hurt at the time, but now I feel free.
I went no-contact with my alcoholic, narcissistic mother 8 years ago. She’s played every angle possible. Unfortunately my life is so peaceful without her.
2 years no contact with my "father", never realized how stressed he made me until I stopped interacting with him entirely
you are the Best Sir!!! I went no contact for 2 months ..... i will stay as i am forever !!!! Everything you said is true
Thank you! I'm glad to hear that my advice resonated with you. If you’d like more support on your journey, feel free to join my free training: jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027.
If I am honest with myself I wasn't really part of the family.. This includes my mom's 7 sisters and 1 brother.. Or anybody that my parents or siblings knew.. It was more about me accepting that and then living my own life..
I can so relate to that. I had one family member I felt close to, my grandmother. After she died in 2001, and I lived 2,000 miles away, I slowly went low contact for ages. And the rest of the family always rallied around my mum, never, ever behind me. Always the outsider. Later I discovered I was very much like my absent father, which is probably why. I always said I felt like a wolf being raised by bears. So being a lone wolf was bound to happen
@@madeleinegrayson8372 Makes sense..
I totally agree what you did say about no contacted on the narcissists family hadn't seen my family over 30years. I did try to reconcile with them it back fired on the phone. Putting over 300miles away did help tremendously 😊 Thank you Jerry for your input it most definitely means a lot what you are saying.
💯👍 exactly right!! In my experience, I'm not 1 to be borrowed bought bribed anything
I finally went no contact with my dad after he blew up and disowned me, sending me a hateful, angry letter and wrote me out of his will in February. He then blew up and berated my son and brother afterwards, they blocked his phone number. No contact on his birthday, or Father's Day. I was amazed on July 4th he texted me a holiday meme, testing the waters I suppose. No response. He's probably feeling lonely, wondering why no one wants to talk to him. You can't kick a dog, then expect him to lick your hand and kiss your face.
My narcissistic mother involved me in shady deals, loans, and property purchases back when I was younger. I didn't question or read all the things she got me to sign, because it never occurred to me that I couldn't trust her. Now, I'm trying to go no-contact, but can't, because I'm tied to her in this way. 😒😮💨
Jerry, I listen to your videos before I contact my mom. They help me keep my sanity. Thank you.
Glad to hear it!🙂
My mother/siblings are bitter, hateful bullies. This year my name was smeared as the scape goat and no contact has been healing. Only missing the love I never had from them.
i said what i said. nobody calls me. PERIOD!
I had to run the the US Army to getvaway. There is always a bigger authority! Thank you!
Today, I am weary. My sister and I are estranged. Our brother is an alcoholic/narcissist. Our brother lives with our Mom - who has chronic pain. Our parents enabled our brother for 50+ years. I am tired of being cut off my my sister. But I don't miss the "never can live up to what she expects (appearances)."
4:43 LMAO, when you said, “I know someone who was threatened with $30 million dollars,” I said, “Oh, sh*t!” LMAO. That’s a lot of money. I started laughing when you said that maybe you could be bought after all, who knows. Great video as usual.
I just tell as many people as I can straight out what they are & what they've done to me, no messing.
Thank you for this video!