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My father is the kind to rage out and then remain in a behavioral pattern of standoffish reclusiveness wherein he spends most of his time in the office or in the living room. He shuts offs my emotions or interpersonal potentials of problem solving by raging or being threateningly impatient if that makes sense after having the last word it’s back to attitudinal reclusion. Thanks Dr. Wise. I’m getting wiser with every video sir. Your work is highly valued. Have a nice day too.
Narcs are “reactivity experts” 100%. As a teen I called her a drama queen. Sad that her kids as teens had no room for their own emotions, cuz hers were “more important”.
Reading your comment triggered me. It’s so true. Only their feelings count 😩 You can only deal with so much drama before you become numb. The anxiety just burns everything up at some point
They called me a drama queen along with a whole list of names when I ever tried to express my feelings or when i reacted to their actions, when their feelings ruled the roost and I had to be empathetic to them but never received empathy myself.
My n mother told me I was lucky as she had been told, (as a child,) 'Little girls should be seen & not heard." She told me she'd never said that to me...therefore...in a way... saying EXACTLY that!
You said it Jerry, "it's like I was never in the right place." Strong/vulnerable. Numb/emotive. Too open/too private. I felt like a ball in a pinball machine. By the time I was in high school I had a good friend from a family that welcomed me - all of me - with open arms. My narc mother constantly questioned me about why I was always hanging out at their house and what we were up to and why I didn't want to be at home. I finally answered that nothing weird was going on, that I could just "relax and be myself" there. If that didn't set off a firestorm!!! "We've given you everything, we've sacrificed everything for you, etc." Dad: "you need to apologize to your mother, she's upset, make her feel better." As they say, repression = depression. My New Year Resolution is to heal this within, once and for all. Whatever it takes, however long it takes to love myself, truly. I am so thankful for finding your channel at this time in my life.
Sounds so familiar.. i too was asked to apologize to my mother cuz she’s upset, and was told I “should understand my mother” (because I’m girl?) Well I didn’t understand her! I felt best at my grandparents and was close with my loving grandpa. Later she tried to smear and badmouth my grandpa (to my surprise) but now I see why. She tried to destroy in my mind one person in my life who was my rock… So typical of these insecure narcissists…
@@darialo8740 Right? I didn't understand my mother because I was never given any explanation that made sense, just "you should." So true about them trying to take away, or put down, anyone who was truly a rock and loving foundation for us. And they can be oh-so-subtle about it.
I'm 56 and still dealing with this (narc dad & codependent mom). A few days ago, I was going to help my mom take down Xmas decor and help my dad cover plants before the freeze. Both tasks involved a lot of physical labor and I wasn't feeling great, so I called to ask mom if we could wait a week to remove Xmas, and I'd help with the plants. She had an immediate attitude! When I asked why she was so fussy, she said, "When you call to change OUR plan (her & my dad's plan), it irritates me. Sooorry!" - said with dripping sarcasm. Over the years, I've developed "reactive responses" and I either bark back or don't respond at all (walk away or hang up the phone). I hung up on her bc she was acting so rigid and didn't care how I felt. I sent an email later - not apologizing, but explaining how she upset me when I was only trying to HELP them. They didn't reply and when I offered to help the next day, she said, "Thanks, but we won't need your help." My parents are 80 and were both sick the week before. It made me feel guilty by not helping, but I tried. I'm trying to honor my true feelings and not allow them to invalidate me, but now I'm the "bad guy" bc I hung up and they won't speak to me. Story of my life! 🤨
So true. Parents are meant to help you grow and navigate the world. Instead all their stuff pours out of them and into us. My parents should not have had children, they weren't capable of raising a child. Now they're elderly it's still about how they feel! In their heads feeding clothing and buying stuff was parenting. They could have gotten a dog for that!
Numbness and the inability to express or identify our feelings are trauma responses. You have to be emotionless to survive ... but the numbness is hard to unlearn after.
When I was young I had to shut down all my feelings to survive from my father. I had to train myself to be numbed. Still there were only too many times I could lose my mind and go insane.
Now I know why it always bothered me over the years picking out a Mother's Day card because the cards were always too nice and I was taught to tell the truth with a belt or coffee pot cord or a bar of soap across the teeth.
I've also had lots of uncomfortable feelings trying to pick out a card, and just feeling gross about it. I knew if I didn't at least get something, it would be even worse.
@@Silver-_-Crow I am 56. I will give you a suggestion. Watch the videos, remain calm and every day remind yourself it’s not your fault. You need to become your best friend.
I noticed I didn’t like a lot of my old friends. They were exactly like my parents and that was oddly comforting to me. Now I pay attention to how the person makes me feel
Yes, some of my friends are just like this so I ask myself if I’m the problem. It’s oddly comforting to me because I’m not surprised by their behavior, like now I don’t expect too much from people.
It’s so wild hearing all the stuff you were told was crazy thinking and bad behaviour while growing up, and all the suspicions you were made to think were disrespectful for thinking, get validated on UA-cam. Thank you so much for these videos. It’s incredibly validating. Watching your stuff feel like I’m pulling splinters from my brain.
I remember in family gatherings when we had company and the best feeling I ever got as a youngster was when I just stayed quiet the whole time. Fast forward about 50 years. I realize I was raised by narcissistic parents. I became a chiropractor at 40 years old they and my siblings never stepped into my office one time in 27 years. I went no contact at age 59. It was a Battlefield growing up. A perfectly normal dysfunctional family. Good luck everyone. God bless everyone here. All I know for sure is it was not a group of empaths who put Jesus on the cross!
@@ERElena8856 I'm saying this is a u-tube video on narcissim not anything to do with a religious theory that had nothing to do with it!! "Jesus" on the cross can't be a true story anyway?
That part about the overreactivity and subsequent distancing describes my father to a T. I remember spilling a glass of water at the table once and him scolding me relentlessly for it. A glass of WATER. You'd think I'd just tried to kill somebody or something. Crazy stuff
I would tell my soon to be ex husband- “ why do you explode” and his response “ I feel better after. And would add “ what’s the big deal ?? I didn’t explode to you “. Now new studies show that they cause people to feel like they are in a constant battle zone.
I have ulcerative colitis and other health issues from growing up with 2 narcissist parents and a golden child sibling. My other brother died of an overdose , I believe it’s bc my parents messed him up so badly
Thank you for giving me insight into how my narcissistic father influenced me to become the people pleaser that I became. I was the perfect target for my narcissist husband.
I went through this with a narcissistic employer .... they would ask me to truthfully share my experience and respond with rage/silencing/blaming when I did my job. I thought I was going crazy - thank you for this video!
After fleeing with my 5 yo daughter from my abusive husband, while staying at my parents home I overheard heard my mother say to my young daughter “If we didn’t allow you and your mom to stay with us, you’d be living on the street.” She was only 5 years old. I was frozen with horror. I confronted her and was physically shaking. She became angry that I would dare question and confront her. Dad did nothing.
When I was a kid 10 years old, my rich aunt - we were welfare poor, said to me when we were visiting them at their cabin over the summer " don't ever come to my family for money". Just out of the blue. My dad just recently stole 30k from me and I was asking her a question because my dad was blaming her and she proved to me my dad was lying and she was like " who cares about a measly $30,000". And I was like this represents years of hard work and saving for me. I only make 30k a year. She just laughed .
Last year at Christmas at narc parents house, I was talking to my cousin about all the sh!t that has gone on in the family…& he told me that they (the rest of the family) were told by narc mother that none of it was to be talked about. And they obeyed her. Couldn’t talk about feelings ever. Couldn’t talk about resolutions to problems ever. SO much control over all of them. It’s like a cult. Other than a few periods of no contact where I always went back, I was part of their sick system for almost 55 years. I walked away a year ago & haven’t looked back. I was done. Thank you for the confirmations Jerry 🙏
My dad laughs about how I was hard to punish as a kid because I was so resilient. Still remember how my mom threw my toy firetrucks down the stairs as hard as she could to deliberately break them. I was extremely distraught and told her she was being unfair, she told me "what's the difference you're never getting them back anyways." I actually don't remember getting them back, pretty sure she wasn't bluffing. I do remember she had to hide how physically abusive she was towards me from my dad.
I would have gone now to the store and bought myself a bunch of firetrucks. Just to have the satisfaction of getting back what was yours. It sounds silly but sometimes I feel it’s those symbolic acts that make us shed all this stuff from our head.
Flashback to my ex-husband. After years of trying to understand, I said "I think you get pleasure out of knocking me down just to see me fight my way back up." He waited a few minutes, took another swig of cognac, and smiled at me. "Yes, I've always liked that about you. It proves you are strong. It proves you are worthy of me." There's some sick people in this world, dude.
My dad would scream at me and told me to smile when I balled my eyes out after he was so mean to me. When I smiled, he told me that I had no reason to smile and to quit smiling! Down was up and up was down; I was such a mess! Glad those days are long gone,
Great video Jerry. I learned at a young age to never express my feelings because they were always wrong, thanks mom! To this day I still keep my feelings hidden.
Right, I watch movies or listen to music where people express feelings. I've always felt jealous because nobody manipulated or punished them for doing that. Or maybe that's why they became artists!
Whenever I tried to talk about my feelings,no matter what feelings,my whole family always called me selfish and would tell me others have it worse. On top of the physical and emotional abuse I went through,while they let my sister do whatever she wanted.. They even made excuses when she tried to drown me years ago. Now I have no clue how to feel my emotions,I don't even know them if that makes sense.. And I'm too afraid to have any
The self-hate is real for me. What’s been helping me lately is reminding myself that it’s the imposter syndrome talking and that none of these negative voices in my head are telling me the truth. It’s all lies that I heard from my narcissistic family of origin.
1. Too much reactivity - In charged families, shutting off feelings becomes a survival skill. 2. Overflowing emotional dysfunction - Narcissistic families don't like feelings, they have too many of them 3. Silence personal feelings and activate systemic feelings - Reacting emotionally sparks anxiety, triggering familiar systemic feelings. - "We often hide our feelings and let the system's feelings take over so we can blend in." 4. Navigating criticism - you are always standing in the wrong emotional location for the narcissistic parent 5. Denied and corrected feelings - "Why do you feel that way!" "that seems dumb" "You're not hurt" etc. - "i'm not shaming you, I'm just telling you the truth!" - "True feelings come out of us because of reality, while systems feelings come out of us to get us to perform or do something in a certain way." (
In my mid twenties I tried to tell my feelings to my narcissistic mother so she cut my face out of every photo in the family album. For decades now my narcissistic brother has that album hidden in his attic. I don’t think his kids know about it. Mine do.
So freaking cruel. Just because you dared to tell her the truth. I married someone my father didn’t want and said “ had I known I would have had you aborted”.
@@ERElena8856 That’s horrible!!! I find that worse than my cut photos. I believe my parents loved us but they were very broken people. Starved and ridiculed in the 20’s and 30’s they were treated worse than animals. I hope you are healing like I am. Know that u r not alone. 🫶
Thank u for breaking everything down. It’s very confusing, they say one thing and will say the opposite. If u need to record someone or keep notes there is a reason , u aren’t crazy
Shutting off feelings is what I’ve learned since I was born. Problems are getting shuffled under the carpet and especially my Mum thinks they will be forgotten one day. It’s awful. I try to avoid it but my family doesn’t talk. Then I think something is wrong with me bc my Mum is acting that it is.
Stand your ground… and firmly say,” you Will not bully me with your anger!” She will likely get more angry and you repeat it and say,” I see you are unwell. I’m going to leave so you can rest.” Do not allow someone to control you with their anger. Is she going to physically beat you up? No. That little kid is afraid because they were raged at forever. I will tell you it at least feels good to say it. At least than she will know you’re well aware of what she is doing.
Jerry is the expert here. I don’t let anyone piss me off or affect me. I walk out. I hang up the phone or I just stop visiting them. I refuse to put up with their nonsense. No more. Giving birth does not mean they own me. Nobody deserves my respect any more . They have to earn it.
I used to think it was my mother who was the narcissist. However, she's been dead now for nine years. I now realize it's a family process. The only who has the explosions of rage is my brother. He treats me worse than he treats his kids. My sister is nicey-nicey. She "explains" what the right answer is. She "correct" me. She gets upset when I call her on it. Despite being the smartest and most-educated and best-read, I'm often treated like an imbecile child. About a month ago, we had a family party at my niece's. She and her husband had questions about our family and heritage. I could talk for hours on this subject. I began with a few very interesting facts. Then, my sister jumps in because she knows everything because she talks to her friends. I almost always feel shut down.
I definitely never knew how to feel. Any time I tried to express my feelings and thoughts, I was interrogated. I was often asked who/what put the thoughts and feelings in my head
Once I tried to tell my mother how I felt when she said something that hurt. Her reply: "How dare you feel that way!" Of course, she doesn't understand why I eventually went no contact. Spent years in therapy sorting it all out.
You reminded me of when I was probably 7 or 8 and feeling down. My mother asked me why I was so quiet and I told her I was sad. I got a 1/2 hour-lecture on why I had nothing to feel sad about. Took me decades to figure out that repression of feelings = depression.
Same Here. With my mother, I started to make Sense of IT all when my Partner and I took her to a trip abroad (I would always invite her because I Felt so guilty for having a life outside of hers). Then I booked a Room for us 3, and During the whole trip she was awful and when WE got back From It she complained about having to Share a Room with my Partner. She Said He could have rapped Her. Can you believe that??? After that It was all down Hill. Nowadays I think: how i couldnt See IT, my God. It's so messed Up.
I can remember crying as a kid and my mother telling me I was faking and lying to get sympathy. She would stand over me and scream "I hate you." I finally learned to hold it in and not cry.... As a mother now, I don't even like to raise my voice or tell my boys they aren't feeling something. I am still trying to heal, but I swore they would never grow up like that.
Wow, my ex actually drew my attention to this. I would always say but i don't know, when talking about something going on with me. He told me that I did know and I needed to trust myself more. I remember at 12 i taught myself not to cry when my mom upset me because u was tired of being gaslit and ridiculed for reacting to her mistreatment ( i didn't know that it was gaslighting back then).
Same. My family made a game of picking on me until I cried and then coming down on me for crying, not being able to take a joke/being too sensitive/“being hysterical and clearly mentally ill”
Thank you, Jerry Wise 🙏Learning about narcissism and its effects is a two edged sword for me. The education and validation affirm my intuition that my childhood (and sadly adulthood) were severely affected by my parents and family. It also triggers intense grief for what has been lost and cannot be recovered. I guess I'll just have to put the sword in a sheath and continue to move forward in healing.
I know. I know exactly how you feel. I got a journal and started writing last year. I haven’t stopped. This trigger of grief means that you have put yourself on the right pathway. Don’t fear the pain - it’s ok. It’s part of the journey. What has been lost is your “ dream” your “ ideals”. I saw this after 25 years of marriage and discard. Then when I felt great I delved into my parents and found this channel. You are the strong human being that endured horrible abuse. You are stronger than you realize.
You are so welcome. If the intense grief is still coming up for you, then this is your 'cutting edge' for healing. Doing that grief work is essential. We can learn to let go of what we lost. It's never too late to have a happy adulthood. Thank you so much for watching and sharing your comment.
I think my feelings are more messed up than normal. My mother who is a narcissist purposely chose to trap my father in marriage partially because he has extreme difficulty expressing emotions. This is because when he was 2 years old his mother had electric shock treatments and could no longer express emotions after that. Between my mother’s manipulation of emotions and my father’s inability to feel emotions mine are pretty messed up. I am so sick of people wanting to manipulate me somehow. That’s what emotions feel like. A reaction to that. I would prefer interacting with people in a way that doesn’t involve a psychological war.
I remember countless times as a child when I would get stressed out or anxious about something in my life like a school project and I would start crying at the dinner table. My Dad would say, "If you are going to cry like that, go to your room and cry." I will say both my parents were very supportive and listened to both my sister and me go through each part of our school day and share extensively. We had dinner together every night at the table. Loved those memories, but when either one of us was upset, the talking was over. Had to go to my room and cry my eyes out alone. Total disregard of my "negative" feelings so apparently, I was only permitted to be a happy girl at all times.
Thats horrible I am very sorry. In many families emotions are suppressed they seem to be a threat. Since real emotions are contagious. For instance if you cry someone human will cry too
I am so sorry also. I wonder if he just didn’t know what to say. My parents thought anything I did at school if it wasn’t academics - it was “ nonsense “.
I really feel this! To this day only "happy" things are allowed. When I was still in regular communication with my parents and I said something that could be "negative" such as me feeling sad, upset, angry ect. They would completely shut down the conversation and not talk to me until I "shaped up" and only spoke about positive things. At most I would get a "sorry your feeling that way." But that was only for "acceptable" displays of sadness, like when my grandpa died, THEN it was okay to be sad, but only at the funeral. They made it clear they only wanted to talk with me when I was happy, and not going to speak about anything they thought was negative. I stopped initiating contract years ago. Now they only call me twice a year (birthday & Xmas), and txt once every 3m. I guess I'm just not their happy girl anymore, and I'm very fine with that.
My father was sexually abusive and an alcoholic. My mother is a passive codependent and made excuses for literally everything he did. She knew about the abuse and did nothing. Now as an adult I bring up my CSA and my parents tell me “you’re not supposed to be upset about it, you’re lying, we had nothing to do with it, you need to get over this.” And holding them accountable as an adult is virtually impossible because they’d never take responsibility. Neither my brothers or I were allowed to have emotions- we couldn’t be too happy, too proud, sad, or anxious. I’ve confronted them and have gone no contact. I’m proud of myself and have started EMDR to process everything.
@@ERElena8856 thank you! 🙏 yes, unfortunately I will never get the closure or answers I want. I have to accept that. They’re just too emotionally immature to admit responsibility. I have to do what’s best for myself at this point. And the truth is, I’m so much happier without them in my life. I no longer have to deny or minimize my CSA. I’m free to be my authentic self!
I'm a retired C.N.A. raised by narcissist mother and alcoholic father. I've left the situation, but would love to meet you. Nobody to talk to, my siblings and child were turned on me.... Her flying monkeys. I pray for friendship with someone who can understand me.
@@joey5816 it’s rare isn’t it? The friends that I have /had would blow it off like it’s something “normal” but I have yet to find anyone that gone thru anything similar. My golden child brother would never think of doing this to his son and is praised for being a “good father “ but denies what they did to us and tells me to “move on”. Asked him a few times if it doesnt do any damage why dobt he treat his done the sane way. never a response
Same here. Internal medicine. Both parents were narcissists. "Stop crying or I will give you something to cry about!" My father would rage then disappear. His children would be fearful when he appeared. To this he vehemently complained, "Do you think I'm some sort of ogre?" Yes! Because your only presence is rage then disappear
@@sugarpuddin sounds sooooo familiar. I don’t understand how people can act this way and be able to look at themselves in the mirror. I remember my father “pouting” that I didn’t invite him to the father daughter dance after beating me
@@joey5816 I know how difficult it is. I have contemplated not mentioning the “ doctor” word. Unless you are in the medical field, people have strong “ emotions” about doctors. We are not “ human “. Any frustration they feel about the healthcare system is “ thrown in my direction”. People don’t understand that we are human and we bleed the same color blood. Whenever I bring it up it’s to show that no matter what job you have -you can still be targeted by the Narcissist and you can be raised by narcissist parents.
In family counseling 60 yeàrs ago, the psychologist said we couldn't communicate due to "frozen feelings." We were ordered into counseling due to my being physically abused.
This is an enlightening video. My parents have constantly dismissed my feelings and opinions so I apparently learned to hide them or not recognize them. I am now struggling to identify simple feelings, especially any extreme feelings, probably because I was programmed to expect their reactivity. Thankfully I have gone no contact now and am in therapy, working on deprogramming and learning to recognize and accept my feelings as they are.
Sounds like my childhood and all the things I was told by my parents. The phrases and words you used as examples are word-for-word what I heard in situations, about myself, and used to manipulate me and shut down myself/my feelings/my individuality.
Spot on again! Too many strong feelings and not learning how to deal with them is what I see in my situation. The same issues keep cropping up year after year and all family members are in the 40's or older, but it has seeped into the younger generations. I was once told that I shouldn't have felt a certain way after a scary health situation. It sent me into years of depression that, thankfully, I finally came out of. Telling the truth does no good if people can't see it. Family isn't always everything.
Whooo boy! My feelings were always inappropriate, often with shame or ridicule. My feelings were inconvenient and required parenting that too away time needed for cleaning.
Virtually all your videos give me strong personal recognition feelings Jerry, and this one was just the same. It's painful to realise only now (at 60 years old) how so much of my life was set into a pattern behind a parent's mental health issue. I'm slowly dealing with all the grief, although its all super painful like nothing I've ever felt before. Still I want to thank you. Without these videos, I might never have understood what happened to me or had a chance to change and make the best of what's left of my life.
@@TM-dh8um thank you. I started a year and a half ago processing the discard from 25 year marriage to a narcissist. Now that I am better I am going down the rabbit hole of my childhood. My narcissist father is 90 dementia . I got validation when I told my submissive mother that she was gaslighting me. The pain you feel is normal. It’s actually necessary for the healing to happen. It means you are addressing the reality. Over time you can decide whether you forgive or not. As for the age - most people on this planet sleep walk their entire life. See the realization as a gift. It’s new understanding that you have. You can live you life as a happy human being and still receive understanding from the past. You are your best friend and you need to be kind to yourself.
I became a fighter after I turned nine. I fought like hell against it all. I knew they were wrong and clung to my feelings as the one true genuine thing that I had for a compass. They negated me at every conceivable turn my entire life. I paid dearly for this but would only double down on it if I had a chance to live it again. I’m sixty now and I’ve paid for this with my life and it was never not the right thing to do.
Good for you. I didn't become a fighter against this crazy-making until my 30s. The other day I was playing cards with friends and one of them saw what I was drawing. She said "Go big or go home, girl" and I busted out laughing, almost crying! If only she knew.
@@dannomusic47wild cards out the wazoo, 125 point hand, highest you can hold before a lay-down and everybody's screwed. I call it the disco hand. I got busted - but hey, I set a new record. I think you figured it out about the same age as my brother. I remember when he just said screw it all. He has raised a beautiful family.
I became a fighter as a child also. It does not go over well at all. At 51, I was told just last night that I “come on too strong and she can’t deal with it so she just walks away”. Not sure just trying to talk about why she dumped me and my kids for lunch with my historically abusive sister… and how that would make me feel … not sure how that’s coming on too strong. We all know it’s not but for them, talking about anything human is ‘coming on too strong’.
@@casaserenacostarica you became the adult while she chose to remain a child. A lack of emotional intelligence is a choice. Parents should also learn from their children too.
I am thankful for the advice on this channel. What I can’t understand is the religious comments that some people introduce. I respect their beliefs but when talking to a group of severely traumatized people- if the only answer was religion- most of us would have been cured. Again maybe it’s me. I will be quiet now.
I believe this is a similar problems acoholics and addicts felt in the early to middles 1900's. That's why those who developed the Twleve Steps for AA from the Oxford Group in 18th century from reformers who were Protestant like John Wesley, et al. The AA founders decided to leave out 'Jesus Christ' from the 12 steps because so many addicts and alcoholics had such a bad experiences with churches and religious people who called them drunks, willfully addicted, and morally bankrupt people. I'm not against religion, Christianity, spirituality or faith. I just think people of faith must be careful how they weild their judgements, Bible verses, and moral superiority. As I understand those behaviors, Jesus didn't do that. Thank you for watching.
@@jerrywise You are correct. I am be Christian but channels like yours are open to all people, regardless of faith or absence of faith. When people tell traumatized individuals “ talk to Christ “ - it is upsetting even if I understand that the internet attracts all kinds of folks. I just started watching your channel to understand my childhood. I have a therapist who I have seen for my marriage. This is such a deeply sensitive topic and I give you credit for addressing it in the serious manner that you do. I just wish I knew about this when I was in my medical practice.
If you were to own your own feelings (and needs / basic rights, and inherent autonomy / sovereignty, god forbid); what problems would it cause? Yes! Incredible question.
I am so glad that the algorithms brought your content to me. You phrase things in a way that I have felt deep down that I’ve known but haven’t been able to articulate. Just that ability alone is exceptionally to the change I’ve wanted to make. Thank you so much for making this content available. 🙏
Dr. Wise, I recently found your channel and can't tell you how much you have helped me. I'm still dealing with my narc mother. For my whole life, I felt there was something wrong with me. God Bless 🙏
And just plain put you down, especially as an adult. What a great visual 'standing in the wrong emotional location' fortified with covert behavior like asking, and asking more questions just to be ignored while they tap on the cell phone. I am so sick and tired of being with this person who is my 76 year old mother. She knows how to drive her toxicity directly into my psyche. And I feel like I am 14 years old.
You just described my 82 year old covert narc mother. Among her many tricks, she weaponized her cell phone and was using it to abuse me. I finally decided the next time she started that mess I was going to take action. I was at her place when she started it again, so I just stood up and said in a very upbeat way "okay I'm going to go" and I left. I didn't act upset because a negative reaction would have been supply, but because I didn't sit there and take it again she got no supply. That was months ago...she hasn't done it since.
My mom does that all the time- ask questions, and then doesn't even listen to the answer!! (Often interrupting, or talking over me.) I'm 53, have been in therapy for a few years, (and seen many good videos), but it STILL drives me effing mad every. single. time. 🤬 She's 73 now, and while her overt rage has quieted slightly, her manipulation, blame shifting, and complete lack of accountability or self awareness are as strong as ever. Plus, now she plays the "little old lady" card. 🙄
@@khakicampbell6640 a light bulb went off for me when I started learning about psychopathy and seeing myself as raised by one of these kind with a brain deformity.
Recently we threw a get together for our parents. I was put in charge of s’mores and the decorations. I asked for help needing ideas. My sister made a list of options. No one communicated with me as far as what ideas they were interested in doing. When I asked for help it was as if I didn’t matter and they just took over. Apparently when I ask for help it means I can’t do something or I need money. My family also interprets ‘support’ as financial help. However, on top of all that I get told to grow up and don’t be so sensitive
YOu Joann deserve so much better than what you describe here. The messages you describe sound 'crazy making' (all respect to you." All the best going forward loving, accepting and approving you - yourself. You are so worth it.
I could never show my feel🎉ings.Showing my feelings would be annoying for them.Or I would just show weakness. Until now I look for sacrifice in life só I can show I am strong..
My mother is a malignant narcissist who hates to see me feeling joy and peace. As I became an adult, over time, God gave me the courage to express my joy and the peace that surpasses all understanding because I embraced my identity in Jesus Christ. Narcissists are like chameleons constantly competing and changing their colors in order to stay one step ahead of their prey. Greater is He that is in me than he that is the world; as exhausting as being around my ailing 86 year old mother is, God continues to guide me one step ahead of her and she hates that she no longer has control over others. I pray that God blesses, comforts and guides all who are in toxic relationships and that those who cause chaos and destruction will turn their hearts and minds towards Almighty God and become a new creation in Christ Jesus.
So happy for you Deebee!!. I'm inclined to suggest a movie that meant so much to me which helped me understand my mother's behaviour. The Narcissist mused to a servile personal care nurse that was mistreated by her, "...that's all I ever wanted to have it my way!" That statement summarized my mother's strategy and motivation. As long as things went her way things were okay. The movie is free on YT "Pinky" it is a blast from the past should anyone be interested.
'Shut up crying!' , 'Oh, here comes the pissy eyes!' These are two of the many phrases from my late narc mother and grandmother. They were past mistresses of making attempts to shut off our feelings - with physical, verbal, emotional and mental abuse.
I realized its best if I just really limit conversations with my mother. She only has 4 modes: humble bragging, complaining about how horrible life is, how she always has so much to do or complaining about my almost 40 year old sister. These things are the only things she talks about since I was a child. Her idea of connecting with me is asking about work and my cat. I had a phone conversation with her 2 days ago and I'm still rattled. I keep trying to reconnect with her but shes a perpetual trauma dumper/ woe is me person. She hung up on me when I pointed out all 4 of her adult children grew up to be generally miserable. All of us but in different ways. She claimed I was attacking her and brought up how God knows. That really angered me for some reason because I immediately shouted back with "God does know!!!". She disconnected the call. Im tired. Im tired of trying to soothe the inner child in me thats constantly crying out. Why do these emotions always feel so fresh everytime I communicate with her?
You are the “ child “ trying to find the mother you always wanted and instead every time she throws you down and all the feelings come back. We keep hoping , trying , thinking that maybe this One time .. maybe they will be a normal mother like I have seen with other mothers. But you keep getting the same stuff. It’s like PTSD - she triggers you and you go back to the roll of the child. One suggestion- when she complains- just respond “ aha” or “ sounds tough” or “ I get it”. That’s it. Nothing else . Don’t share your life and don’t offer advice. She is self- absorbed in her own fantasy world. Keep the conversations brief and imagine before you call her what she will say. Play out the entire discussion in your head. Then when you hang up - tell yourself “ damn .. I was right. She said and did everything as I predicted. I am a strong human that I have put up with her. I am a good person. Nobody can harm me. Ever.
I am a mother and I tried my best to not screw up. But I hate to say it but it only requires sex to become pregnant and to have a child. There are no requirements. We all just wing it. And if the person is mentally self absorbed- they have nothing to offer . It still hurts. But you can’t let her define the person you are.
Its her job to raddle you. Mine did too until i decided to not participate anymore. I truly think they enjoy it And don't be fooled that she will change/ stop - NOT going to happen
@@rubycubez1103 Repeat after me “ You will no longer do this to me I am an adult. “. Say this to yourself. The second she does this - tell her “ got to go ..I have diarrhea “. She is doing this to torment you and is succeeding . You have the power to reduce your exposure or not to bother.” My friends mother was on her “ death bed”. She went to see her mother. The entire time she said nothing. When the cute doctor came in “she sat up , smiled and talked for 10 minutes to the doctor “. When he left she didn’t say another word and died the next day. She was a malignant narcissist who to the very end tried to torture her daughter by ignoring her “. Look up narcissistic personality disorder It’s a psych diagnosis, they never get better and they don’t care . They don’t love anyone. Sorry but this is the truth. If you let her torment you - unfortunately she won’t care. The stories are endless. They are like psychopaths. They don’t care no guilt.
As a grown adult I would visit my parents who lived in Canada and while I was there I could not go to visit anyone. I felt I had not one second for myself. It was like he took up every second while I was there.
This is the first time someone else speaks of this memory…We never went on vacation,only always visited parents…but we could never deviate from “family time”, never go out, visit other friends, only could be with family. The visits were so controlled.
Hey Jerry my narcissistic father keeps telling me I should change but how? He's the one being two faced not me he's so hypocritical! He makes me sick how pathetic he acts he's like 60 going on 5 he's so immature and lacks empathy. He's good at screwing people including his family over he acts like a true narcissist . He makes me feel worthless and like shit 😢😢😢cannot even have my own life without him dictating who I should be. The audicity he has is unbearable!
I have a husband like this. Narcissists don’t change- ever. He is the problem not you. If you look up narcissistic personality disorder. Look up their symptoms. Please don’t feel bad about yourself. He is the problem not you.
It is very common for narcissistic personality styles to project their own shame and insecurities onto other people. This allows the narcissist to project/externalize their own issues and "see" them attached to someone else so that the narcissist can pretend you are the one with the issues. I agree with the earlier reply, the goal is to eventually go "no contact" with any narcissist so that your healing can begin. Your feelings matter, your thoughts matter, and you matter. And the more you heal from narcissistic abuse, the more intolerable toxic people and situations will be to you. Please be kind, gentle, patient and loving with yourself as you move forward on your healing journey, and take care.
The spilled milk! We weren’t called names but our actions were screamed and yelled about, “what were doing/thinking? You weren’t watching what you were doing! That was just careless!”…I vowed to myself when I had kids and the milk was spilled I would always be loving & patient. I didn’t yell about milk, but the damage had been done. Seeing truth now at the root of it all at 57!
Some of the worst outbursts in my family growing up were over dropping or spilling things. My sister ended up with a broken hand over spilled Mountain Dew.
Such an important topic for me. Growing up in narcissistic abuse was an eviscerating experience, painful and undermining, psychological taxidermy. Thank you.
I've been following for a while. I am not in touch with my family of origin for a long time and all those things happened 50+ years ago. My maternal gm was a narcisist I guess. What I hear you are saying what I perceive as my thinking is the old systems thinking that is still active after all that time. As I don't have thinking of my own after all these years and don't know how I invent it now. But you said it is not "how" question but "when" question. Like some deus ex machina? I Like how you explained systems vs true feelings.
@@jerrywise thank you. I have a huge interest on this subject. New studies are showing that narcissistic parents alter brain development of their children. In adults they increase inflammation and in people with Lupus or Rheumatoid arthritis they can make diseases worse.
@@jerrywise these studies are brand new and the results are unbelievable. The message has not reached the medical community. It’s bad. The increase in inflammation is causing the body to mistaken your body’s normal cells as being foreign invaders.
Thanks again Jerry. You REALLY know how to explain these complex things. Your vocabulary on them is relatable (eg "wrong emotional location") and its a pleasure learning from you. Thank you for all you do.
I think that actually the location does not matter. The sense of control matters. They "introject" you, so there is a version of you living inside their heads, and they must assert their internalized version over the external, real you. They do it to feel safe, because they're horrified by the real external world of persons and feelings. And maybe at some point in their life they had a real reason for that. They can love or hate the internalized you, but they will rather die than give it up, because to them that would spell the unmitigated return of their own horrors.
Do you trust your own feelings XD I remember when my therapist hit me with that question. Blew my mind at the time, was my wake up that helped me change things for the better
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027
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My father is the kind to rage out and then remain in a behavioral pattern of standoffish reclusiveness wherein he spends most of his time in the office or in the living room. He shuts offs my emotions or interpersonal potentials of problem solving by raging or being threateningly impatient if that makes sense after having the last word it’s back to attitudinal reclusion. Thanks Dr. Wise. I’m getting wiser with every video sir. Your work is highly valued. Have a nice day too.
❤❤@@igormendoncacanga2569
As a Pre-K teacher I LOVE when a 2 year old picks their own outfit... Age 10,12- Mom still CHOSE MY FRIENDS & clothes! What a S'mother! we Suffered!
@@carolnahigian9518 I am 56 and my mother won’t let me cook in her kitchen!!
@@igormendoncacanga2569 omg.
Blame, blame, blame….it’s all narcissistic parents know what to do
Narcs are “reactivity experts” 100%. As a teen I called her a drama queen. Sad that her kids as teens had no room for their own emotions, cuz hers were “more important”.
Reading your comment triggered me. It’s so true. Only their feelings count 😩
You can only deal with so much drama before you become numb. The anxiety just burns everything up at some point
They called me a drama queen along with a whole list of names when I ever tried to express my feelings or when i reacted to their actions, when their feelings ruled the roost and I had to be empathetic to them but never received empathy myself.
“You are to be seen, and not heard.”
Yup.
My n mother told me I was lucky as she had been told, (as a child,) 'Little girls should be seen & not heard." She told me she'd never said that to me...therefore...in a way... saying EXACTLY that!
Heard that as a child. N ur not allowed to say no or get angry at me. My mom said
Anyone ever have the, "Well, anyway..." statement made after having made a feeling known about something or someone?
You said it Jerry, "it's like I was never in the right place." Strong/vulnerable. Numb/emotive. Too open/too private. I felt like a ball in a pinball machine. By the time I was in high school I had a good friend from a family that welcomed me - all of me - with open arms. My narc mother constantly questioned me about why I was always hanging out at their house and what we were up to and why I didn't want to be at home. I finally answered that nothing weird was going on, that I could just "relax and be myself" there. If that didn't set off a firestorm!!! "We've given you everything, we've sacrificed everything for you, etc." Dad: "you need to apologize to your mother, she's upset, make her feel better."
As they say, repression = depression.
My New Year Resolution is to heal this within, once and for all. Whatever it takes, however long it takes to love myself, truly. I am so thankful for finding your channel at this time in my life.
program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/
Thank you so much for watching
Sounds so familiar.. i too was asked to apologize to my mother cuz she’s upset, and was told I “should understand my mother” (because I’m girl?) Well I didn’t understand her! I felt best at my grandparents and was close with my loving grandpa. Later she tried to smear and badmouth my grandpa (to my surprise) but now I see why. She tried to destroy in my mind one person in my life who was my rock… So typical of these insecure narcissists…
@@darialo8740 Right? I didn't understand my mother because I was never given any explanation that made sense, just "you should." So true about them trying to take away, or put down, anyone who was truly a rock and loving foundation for us. And they can be oh-so-subtle about it.
"Why are you so stupid?" That really resonates with me.
yes, whatever you do is wrong with a narcissist parent. You could give them a mountain of gold and they would complain about it.
I'm 56 and still dealing with this (narc dad & codependent mom). A few days ago, I was going to help my mom take down Xmas decor and help my dad cover plants before the freeze. Both tasks involved a lot of physical labor and I wasn't feeling great, so I called to ask mom if we could wait a week to remove Xmas, and I'd help with the plants. She had an immediate attitude! When I asked why she was so fussy, she said, "When you call to change OUR plan (her & my dad's plan), it irritates me. Sooorry!" - said with dripping sarcasm.
Over the years, I've developed "reactive responses" and I either bark back or don't respond at all (walk away or hang up the phone). I hung up on her bc she was acting so rigid and didn't care how I felt. I sent an email later - not apologizing, but explaining how she upset me when I was only trying to HELP them. They didn't reply and when I offered to help the next day, she said, "Thanks, but we won't need your help."
My parents are 80 and were both sick the week before. It made me feel guilty by not helping, but I tried. I'm trying to honor my true feelings and not allow them to invalidate me, but now I'm the "bad guy" bc I hung up and they won't speak to me. Story of my life! 🤨
So true. Parents are meant to help you grow and navigate the world. Instead all their stuff pours out of them and into us. My parents should not have had children, they weren't capable of raising a child. Now they're elderly it's still about how they feel! In their heads feeding clothing and buying stuff was parenting. They could have gotten a dog for that!
Numbness and the inability to express or identify our feelings are trauma responses. You have to be emotionless to survive ... but the numbness is hard to unlearn after.
THIS!!! EXACTLY
I cry alone. It gets all that stuff out. You survived - I bet you don’t know how strong you are.
Yes, I was thinking this morning about how repression of feelings = depression.
When I was young I had to shut down all my feelings to survive from my father. I had to train myself to be numbed. Still there were only too many times I could lose my mind and go insane.
My mother did such an excellent job with my feelings that in the end she would scream at me "Why aren't you reacting?" ...
I am so sorry 😢
@@ERElena8856 🌺
Now I know why it always bothered me over the years picking out a Mother's Day card because the cards were always too nice and I was taught to tell the truth with a belt or coffee pot cord or a bar of soap across the teeth.
I remember passing the Mother’s Day cards in the store while pushing back intense tears; I felt so rejected, sad and isolated!
Wow. I do not know what to say except I'm sorry.
I've also had lots of uncomfortable feelings trying to pick out a card, and just feeling gross about it. I knew if I didn't at least get something, it would be even worse.
My anxiety goes through the roof when I'm watching your videos, because I'm living everything you say.
Omg. Are you still living it?
@ERElena8856 yes,and I'm 33 years old,I've waken up late from this nightmare but late is better than never.
I hope I break free from them.
@@Silver-_-Crow I am 56. I will give you a suggestion. Watch the videos, remain calm and every day remind yourself it’s not your fault. You need to become your best friend.
@@ERElena8856 I'm my only friend
@@Silver-_-Crow You are lucky. I didn't have this self-help in my days. Don't panic. Start your new life
I noticed I didn’t like a lot of my old friends. They were exactly like my parents and that was oddly comforting to me. Now I pay attention to how the person makes me feel
Yes, some of my friends are just like this so I ask myself if I’m the problem. It’s oddly comforting to me because I’m not surprised by their behavior, like now I don’t expect too much from people.
Narcsts hate our best feelings and unity among people
It’s so wild hearing all the stuff you were told was crazy thinking and bad behaviour while growing up, and all the suspicions you were made to think were disrespectful for thinking, get validated on UA-cam.
Thank you so much for these videos. It’s incredibly validating. Watching your stuff feel like I’m pulling splinters from my brain.
I was always "dramatic and hysterical" if I expressed myself 😂
I remember in family gatherings when we had company and the best feeling I ever got as a youngster was when I just stayed quiet the whole time. Fast forward about 50 years. I realize I was raised by narcissistic parents. I became a chiropractor at 40 years old they and my siblings never stepped into my office one time in 27 years.
I went no contact at age 59. It was a Battlefield growing up. A perfectly normal dysfunctional family. Good luck everyone. God bless everyone here. All I know for sure is it was not a group of empaths who put Jesus on the cross!
So well said.
Religion has nothing to do with this? In this case definitely not!!
@@avivabillington5514What are you saying?
@@ERElena8856 I'm saying this is a u-tube video on narcissim not anything to do with a religious theory that had nothing to do with it!! "Jesus" on the cross can't be a true story anyway?
@@avivabillington5514 are you serious?
We eventually shut down because no mater what, we are invalidated. Severing
contact is the best solution then for our sanity.
That part about the overreactivity and subsequent distancing describes my father to a T. I remember spilling a glass of water at the table once and him scolding me relentlessly for it. A glass of WATER. You'd think I'd just tried to kill somebody or something. Crazy stuff
They had no clue about this stuff.
💚
I had the same thing. They’d explode in rage over nothing
They lack the ability to “ self- regulate “. They are abusive bullies to the ones that can’t walk away and at work they are angels.
I would tell my soon to be ex husband- “ why do you explode” and his response “ I feel better after. And would add “ what’s the big deal ?? I didn’t explode to you “.
Now new studies show that they cause people to feel like they are in a constant battle zone.
I have ulcerative colitis and other health issues from growing up with 2 narcissist parents and a golden child sibling. My other brother died of an overdose , I believe it’s bc my parents messed him up so badly
oh God,that's horrible 😞 I'm so sorry for your loss! 💔
love your username btw ❤
@@GabrielleTollerson thank u
@@GabrielleTollerson thank u
@@GabrielleTollerson I guess I’m lucky to be alive. I wanted to die from a young age bc of the abuse
Thank you for giving me insight into how my narcissistic father influenced me to become the people pleaser that I became. I was the perfect target for my narcissist husband.
I went through this with a narcissistic employer .... they would ask me to truthfully share my experience and respond with rage/silencing/blaming when I did my job. I thought I was going crazy - thank you for this video!
After fleeing with my 5 yo daughter from my abusive husband, while staying at my parents home I overheard heard my mother say to my young daughter “If we didn’t allow you and your mom to stay with us, you’d be living on the street.” She was only 5 years old. I was frozen with horror. I confronted her and was physically shaking. She became angry that I would dare question and confront her. Dad did nothing.
OMG. I have some horrific stories also.
They are bullies. Huge self serving bullies who think the world revolves around them.
Your dad sounds like mine- abused and afraid to say something- sleeping on the job
When I was a kid 10 years old, my rich aunt - we were welfare poor, said to me when we were visiting them at their cabin over the summer " don't ever come to my family for money". Just out of the blue. My dad just recently stole 30k from me and I was asking her a question because my dad was blaming her and she proved to me my dad was lying and she was like " who cares about a measly $30,000". And I was like this represents years of hard work and saving for me. I only make 30k a year. She just laughed .
@@ERElena8856 Yes I think it’s an epidemic. Or maybe it’s being exposed and talked about more.
@@christac1526 Yes and I became my dad being fearful of man, but God intervened and showed me how to not bow to the demons in others.
Last year at Christmas at narc parents house, I was talking to my cousin about all the sh!t that has gone on in the family…& he told me that they (the rest of the family) were told by narc mother that none of it was to be talked about. And they obeyed her. Couldn’t talk about feelings ever. Couldn’t talk about resolutions to problems ever. SO much control over all of them. It’s like a cult. Other than a few periods of no contact where I always went back, I was part of their sick system for almost 55 years. I walked away a year ago & haven’t looked back. I was done. Thank you for the confirmations Jerry 🙏
Good for you!!!! They don’t deserve you. Nobody should be treated this way.
@@ERElena8856 thank you 🙏
It is a cult. And cults do not want any questions or demand for reasons.
@@d.l.l.6578 truth!
@@d.l.l.6578 they are abusive bullies who have no self esteem and they take out their inadequacies on their children .
I was literally told I shouldn't feel that way.
Yup, me too! :/
My dad laughs about how I was hard to punish as a kid because I was so resilient. Still remember how my mom threw my toy firetrucks down the stairs as hard as she could to deliberately break them. I was extremely distraught and told her she was being unfair, she told me "what's the difference you're never getting them back anyways." I actually don't remember getting them back, pretty sure she wasn't bluffing. I do remember she had to hide how physically abusive she was towards me from my dad.
I would have gone now to the store and bought myself a bunch of firetrucks. Just to have the satisfaction of getting back what was yours. It sounds silly but sometimes I feel it’s those symbolic acts that make us shed all this stuff from our head.
Flashback to my ex-husband. After years of trying to understand, I said "I think you get pleasure out of knocking me down just to see me fight my way back up."
He waited a few minutes, took another swig of cognac, and smiled at me. "Yes, I've always liked that about you. It proves you are strong. It proves you are worthy of me."
There's some sick people in this world, dude.
Wow! That says everything. Sick is right. Whew!
@@ruby-qv5bd That was my wake-up moment. I was gone a few months later, having decided I had better things to do with my life.
I wasn't supposed to show feelings growing up. It made my dad furious and he was lose it and start throwing things. I couldn't even be too happy.
My dad would scream at me and told me to smile when I balled my eyes out after he was so mean to me. When I smiled, he told me that I had no reason to smile and to quit smiling! Down was up and up was down; I was such a mess! Glad those days are long gone,
Great video Jerry. I learned at a young age to never express my feelings because they were always wrong, thanks mom! To this day I still keep my feelings hidden.
Totally get it.
Right, I watch movies or listen to music where people express feelings. I've always felt jealous because nobody manipulated or punished them for doing that. Or maybe that's why they became artists!
Whenever I tried to talk about my feelings,no matter what feelings,my whole family always called me selfish and would tell me others have it worse. On top of the physical and emotional abuse I went through,while they let my sister do whatever she wanted.. They even made excuses when she tried to drown me years ago. Now I have no clue how to feel my emotions,I don't even know them if that makes sense.. And I'm too afraid to have any
Yes I was called self centered & told others had it worse as well. I went no contact for good a year ago
You are not selfish- They are the sick people.
Your freedom is ur best revenge & that comes from your success at independence with out the lot of them!
Yes
The self-hate is real for me. What’s been helping me lately is reminding myself that it’s the imposter syndrome talking and that none of these negative voices in my head are telling me the truth. It’s all lies that I heard from my narcissistic family of origin.
1. Too much reactivity
- In charged families, shutting off feelings becomes a survival skill.
2. Overflowing emotional dysfunction
- Narcissistic families don't like feelings, they have too many of them
3. Silence personal feelings and activate systemic feelings
- Reacting emotionally sparks anxiety, triggering familiar systemic feelings.
- "We often hide our feelings and let the system's feelings take over so we can blend in."
4. Navigating criticism
- you are always standing in the wrong emotional location for the narcissistic parent
5. Denied and corrected feelings
- "Why do you feel that way!" "that seems dumb" "You're not hurt" etc.
- "i'm not shaming you, I'm just telling you the truth!"
- "True feelings come out of us because of reality, while systems feelings come out of us to get us to perform or do something in a certain way." (
Thank you
Thank you for the summary, it is so useful!!
In my mid twenties I tried to tell my feelings to my narcissistic mother so she cut my face out of every photo in the family album. For decades now my narcissistic brother has that album hidden in his attic. I don’t think his kids know about it. Mine do.
So freaking cruel. Just because you dared to tell her the truth.
I married someone my father didn’t want and said “ had I known I would have had you aborted”.
@@ERElena8856 That’s horrible!!! I find that worse than my cut photos. I believe my parents loved us but they were very broken people. Starved and ridiculed in the 20’s and 30’s they were treated worse than animals. I hope you are healing like I am. Know that u r not alone. 🫶
Thank you for your compassion. It helps a lot.
@@grandmak5843 thank you for your words of compassion. We are all somewhat broken but we are here. We are survivors.
Your Narcissistic brother can keep his album would be my response. It will just bring you terrible flashbacks.
Thank u for breaking everything down. It’s very confusing, they say one thing and will say the opposite. If u need to record someone or keep notes there is a reason , u aren’t crazy
Shutting off feelings is what I’ve learned since I was born.
Problems are getting shuffled under the carpet and especially my Mum thinks they will be forgotten one day.
It’s awful.
I try to avoid it but my family doesn’t talk.
Then I think something is wrong with me bc my Mum is acting that it is.
I still have fear that my 90 year old mother will go off and cause hell for me and my husband
I'm deliberately living in hermit mode as self preservation.... You have my support!!!
They sure cling on don't they? (Mine is nearing 90)....
Stand your ground… and firmly say,” you Will not bully me with your anger!” She will likely get more angry and you repeat it and say,” I see you are unwell. I’m going to leave so you can rest.”
Do not allow someone to control you with their anger. Is she going to physically beat you up? No. That little kid is afraid because they were raged at forever. I will tell you it at least feels good to say it. At least than she will know you’re well aware of what she is doing.
Jerry is the expert here.
I don’t let anyone piss me off or affect me. I walk out. I hang up the phone or I just stop visiting them.
I refuse to put up with their nonsense. No more. Giving birth does not mean they own me. Nobody deserves my respect any more . They have to earn it.
@@crookedfingersgirl7356I totally understand. It’s called self preservation.
I used to think it was my mother who was the narcissist. However, she's been dead now for nine years. I now realize it's a family process. The only who has the explosions of rage is my brother. He treats me worse than he treats his kids.
My sister is nicey-nicey. She "explains" what the right answer is. She "correct" me. She gets upset when I call her on it.
Despite being the smartest and most-educated and best-read, I'm often treated like an imbecile child.
About a month ago, we had a family party at my niece's. She and her husband had questions about our family and heritage. I could talk for hours on this subject. I began with a few very interesting facts. Then, my sister jumps in because she knows everything because she talks to her friends. I almost always feel shut down.
I definitely never knew how to feel. Any time I tried to express my feelings and thoughts, I was interrogated. I was often asked who/what put the thoughts and feelings in my head
oh yes, I remember well the interrogations about my friends, books, etc.
Once I tried to tell my mother how I felt when she said something that hurt. Her reply: "How dare you feel that way!" Of course, she doesn't understand why I eventually went no contact. Spent years in therapy sorting it all out.
Good for you. They don’t deserve you.
You reminded me of when I was probably 7 or 8 and feeling down. My mother asked me why I was so quiet and I told her I was sad. I got a 1/2 hour-lecture on why I had nothing to feel sad about. Took me decades to figure out that repression of feelings = depression.
Same Here. With my mother, I started to make Sense of IT all when my Partner and I took her to a trip abroad (I would always invite her because I Felt so guilty for having a life outside of hers). Then I booked a Room for us 3, and During the whole trip she was awful and when WE got back From It she complained about having to Share a Room with my Partner. She Said He could have rapped Her. Can you believe that??? After that It was all down Hill. Nowadays I think: how i couldnt See IT, my God. It's so messed Up.
I can remember crying as a kid and my mother telling me I was faking and lying to get sympathy. She would stand over me and scream "I hate you." I finally learned to hold it in and not cry....
As a mother now, I don't even like to raise my voice or tell my boys they aren't feeling something. I am still trying to heal, but I swore they would never grow up like that.
Wow, my ex actually drew my attention to this. I would always say but i don't know, when talking about something going on with me. He told me that I did know and I needed to trust myself more. I remember at 12 i taught myself not to cry when my mom upset me because u was tired of being gaslit and ridiculed for reacting to her mistreatment ( i didn't know that it was gaslighting back then).
Same. My family made a game of picking on me until I cried and then coming down on me for crying, not being able to take a joke/being too sensitive/“being hysterical and clearly mentally ill”
@@Suchwerewolf What you endured sounds so cruel!! All the best as you get beyond what happened to you.
Thank you, Jerry Wise 🙏Learning about narcissism and its effects is a two edged sword for me. The education and validation affirm my intuition that my childhood (and sadly adulthood) were severely affected by my parents and family. It also triggers intense grief for what has been lost and cannot be recovered. I guess I'll just have to put the sword in a sheath and continue to move forward in healing.
What you said. It can't be explained to anyone not familiar with NPD's.
I know. I know exactly how you feel. I got a journal and started writing last year. I haven’t stopped. This trigger of grief means that you have put yourself on the right pathway.
Don’t fear the pain - it’s ok. It’s part of the journey.
What has been lost is your “ dream” your “ ideals”.
I saw this after 25 years of marriage and discard. Then when I felt great I delved into my parents and found this channel.
You are the strong human being that endured horrible abuse.
You are stronger than you realize.
Thank you for the encouraging words. 🙏@@ERElena8856
@@stingylizard, it's confusing, I'm 39 and just came to realization my up bringing was hindered by parents.
You are so welcome. If the intense grief is still coming up for you, then this is your 'cutting edge' for healing. Doing that grief work is essential. We can learn to let go of what we lost. It's never too late to have a happy adulthood. Thank you so much for watching and sharing your comment.
We become numb to emotions
I think my feelings are more messed up than normal. My mother who is a narcissist purposely chose to trap my father in marriage partially because he has extreme difficulty expressing emotions. This is because when he was 2 years old his mother had electric shock treatments and could no longer express emotions after that. Between my mother’s manipulation of emotions and my father’s inability to feel emotions mine are pretty messed up. I am so sick of people wanting to manipulate me somehow. That’s what emotions feel like. A reaction to that. I would prefer interacting with people in a way that doesn’t involve a psychological war.
I remember countless times as a child when I would get stressed out or anxious about something in my life like a school project and I would start crying at the dinner table. My Dad would say, "If you are going to cry like that, go to your room and cry." I will say both my parents were very supportive and listened to both my sister and me go through each part of our school day and share extensively. We had dinner together every night at the table. Loved those memories, but when either one of us was upset, the talking was over. Had to go to my room and cry my eyes out alone. Total disregard of my "negative" feelings so apparently, I was only permitted to be a happy girl at all times.
Thats horrible I am very sorry. In many families emotions are suppressed they seem to be a threat. Since real emotions are contagious. For instance if you cry someone human will cry too
I am so sorry also. I wonder if he just didn’t know what to say.
My parents thought anything I did at school if it wasn’t academics - it was “ nonsense “.
I got beaten for crying & often was beating from crying for early day's beating. When tears ran I had no sound to come out, to dangerous.
I really feel this! To this day only "happy" things are allowed. When I was still in regular communication with my parents and I said something that could be "negative" such as me feeling sad, upset, angry ect. They would completely shut down the conversation and not talk to me until I "shaped up" and only spoke about positive things. At most I would get a "sorry your feeling that way." But that was only for "acceptable" displays of sadness, like when my grandpa died, THEN it was okay to be sad, but only at the funeral. They made it clear they only wanted to talk with me when I was happy, and not going to speak about anything they thought was negative. I stopped initiating contract years ago. Now they only call me twice a year (birthday & Xmas), and txt once every 3m. I guess I'm just not their happy girl anymore, and I'm very fine with that.
Never mind I take my previous statement back. This was disgusting and horrible behavior.
My father was sexually abusive and an alcoholic. My mother is a passive codependent and made excuses for literally everything he did. She knew about the abuse and did nothing. Now as an adult I bring up my CSA and my parents tell me “you’re not supposed to be upset about it, you’re lying, we had nothing to do with it, you need to get over this.” And holding them accountable as an adult is virtually impossible because they’d never take responsibility. Neither my brothers or I were allowed to have emotions- we couldn’t be too happy, too proud, sad, or anxious. I’ve confronted them and have gone no contact. I’m proud of myself and have started EMDR to process everything.
Good for you!! They will never give you closure just like my narcissist husband. So you walk away and change you phone number.💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻
@@ERElena8856 thank you! 🙏 yes, unfortunately I will never get the closure or answers I want. I have to accept that. They’re just too emotionally immature to admit responsibility. I have to do what’s best for myself at this point. And the truth is, I’m so much happier without them in my life. I no longer have to deny or minimize my CSA. I’m free to be my authentic self!
Call the police and issue the claim. Respect for confrontation and blocking them❤
I am a retired family doctor. I was raised by narcissistic father and married a narcissist
I'm a retired C.N.A. raised by narcissist mother and alcoholic father. I've left the situation, but would love to meet you. Nobody to talk to, my siblings and child were turned on me.... Her flying monkeys. I pray for friendship with someone who can understand me.
@@joey5816 it’s rare isn’t it? The friends that I have /had would blow it off like it’s something “normal” but I have yet to find anyone that gone thru anything similar. My golden child brother would never think of doing this to his son and is praised for being a “good father “ but denies what they did to us and tells me to “move on”. Asked him a few times if it doesnt do any damage why dobt he treat his done the sane way. never a response
Same here. Internal medicine. Both parents were narcissists. "Stop crying or I will give you something to cry about!"
My father would rage then disappear. His children would be fearful when he appeared. To this he vehemently complained, "Do you think I'm some sort of ogre?"
Yes! Because your only presence is rage then disappear
@@sugarpuddin sounds sooooo familiar. I don’t understand how people can act this way and be able to look at themselves in the mirror. I remember my father “pouting” that I didn’t invite him to the father daughter dance after beating me
@@joey5816 I know how difficult it is. I have contemplated not mentioning the “ doctor” word. Unless you are in the medical field, people have strong “ emotions” about doctors. We are not “ human “. Any frustration they feel about the healthcare system is “ thrown in my direction”. People don’t understand that we are human and we bleed the same color blood. Whenever I bring it up it’s to show that no matter what job you have -you can still be targeted by the Narcissist and you can be raised by narcissist parents.
In family counseling 60 yeàrs ago, the psychologist said we couldn't communicate due to "frozen feelings." We were ordered into counseling due to my being physically abused.
My dad had the frozen feelings from my narc mother.
Jerry, your insights and ability to articulate them are brilliant. You have helped me clearly understand my family dynamics. Thank you.
Wow, thank you
This is an enlightening video. My parents have constantly dismissed my feelings and opinions so I apparently learned to hide them or not recognize them. I am now struggling to identify simple feelings, especially any extreme feelings, probably because I was programmed to expect their reactivity. Thankfully I have gone no contact now and am in therapy, working on deprogramming and learning to recognize and accept my feelings as they are.
You’re already doing great!😊
Sounds like my childhood and all the things I was told by my parents. The phrases and words you used as examples are word-for-word what I heard in situations, about myself, and used to manipulate me and shut down myself/my feelings/my individuality.
Spot on again! Too many strong feelings and not learning how to deal with them is what I see in my situation. The same issues keep cropping up year after year and all family members are in the 40's or older, but it has seeped into the younger generations. I was once told that I shouldn't have felt a certain way after a scary health situation. It sent me into years of depression that, thankfully, I finally came out of. Telling the truth does no good if people can't see it. Family isn't always everything.
Whooo boy! My feelings were always inappropriate, often with shame or ridicule. My feelings were inconvenient and required parenting that too away time needed for cleaning.
Virtually all your videos give me strong personal recognition feelings Jerry, and this one was just the same. It's painful to realise only now (at 60 years old) how so much of my life was set into a pattern behind a parent's mental health issue. I'm slowly dealing with all the grief, although its all super painful like nothing I've ever felt before. Still I want to thank you. Without these videos, I might never have understood what happened to me or had a chance to change and make the best of what's left of my life.
I am 56 . Just got it now also.
@@ERElena8856 I send my best wishes. It’s a huge shock to the system and needs time and effort to process. I’m sure it gets better when you do.
@@TM-dh8um thank you. I started a year and a half ago processing the discard from 25 year marriage to a narcissist. Now that I am better I am going down the rabbit hole of my childhood. My narcissist father is 90 dementia . I got validation when I told my submissive mother that she was gaslighting me.
The pain you feel is normal. It’s actually necessary for the healing to happen. It means you are addressing the reality. Over time you can decide whether you forgive or not.
As for the age - most people on this planet sleep walk their entire life. See the realization as a gift. It’s new understanding that you have.
You can live you life as a happy human being and still receive understanding from the past.
You are your best friend and you need to be kind to yourself.
It's never too late to have a happy adulthood..... Thanks for watching
@@jerrywise yes but how? Please could you adresa this topic how to have happy childhood now after mid life
I became a fighter after I turned nine. I fought like hell against it all. I knew they were wrong and clung to my feelings as the one true genuine thing that I had for a compass. They negated me at every conceivable turn my entire life. I paid dearly for this but would only double down on it if I had a chance to live it again.
I’m sixty now and I’ve paid for this with my life and it was never not the right thing to do.
Good for you. I didn't become a fighter against this crazy-making until my 30s. The other day I was playing cards with friends and one of them saw what I was drawing. She said "Go big or go home, girl" and I busted out laughing, almost crying! If only she knew.
@@cyndeetaylor what were you drawing?
@@dannomusic47wild cards out the wazoo, 125 point hand, highest you can hold before a lay-down and everybody's screwed. I call it the disco hand. I got busted - but hey, I set a new record.
I think you figured it out about the same age as my brother. I remember when he just said screw it all. He has raised a beautiful family.
I became a fighter as a child also. It does not go over well at all. At 51, I was told just last night that I “come on too strong and she can’t deal with it so she just walks away”. Not sure just trying to talk about why she dumped me and my kids for lunch with my historically abusive sister… and how that would make me feel … not sure how that’s coming on too strong. We all know it’s not but for them, talking about anything human is ‘coming on too strong’.
@@casaserenacostarica you became the adult while she chose to remain a child.
A lack of emotional intelligence is a choice. Parents should also learn from their children too.
I am thankful for the advice on this channel. What I can’t understand is the religious comments that some people introduce.
I respect their beliefs but when talking to a group of severely traumatized people- if the only answer was religion- most of us would have been cured.
Again maybe it’s me. I will be quiet now.
Yes, there are missionary people all over the internet. They go me on the nerves, too.
@@oOIIIMIIIOo thank you for letting me know. I must be one of the most naive people on the planet.
I believe this is a similar problems acoholics and addicts felt in the early to middles 1900's. That's why those who developed the Twleve Steps for AA from the Oxford Group in 18th century from reformers who were Protestant like John Wesley, et al. The AA founders decided to leave out 'Jesus Christ' from the 12 steps because so many addicts and alcoholics had such a bad experiences with churches and religious people who called them drunks, willfully addicted, and morally bankrupt people. I'm not against religion, Christianity, spirituality or faith. I just think people of faith must be careful how they weild their judgements, Bible verses, and moral superiority. As I understand those behaviors, Jesus didn't do that. Thank you for watching.
@@jerrywise You are correct. I am be Christian but channels like yours are open to all people, regardless of faith or absence of faith.
When people tell traumatized individuals “ talk to Christ “ - it is upsetting even if I understand that the internet attracts all kinds of folks.
I just started watching your channel to understand my childhood. I have a therapist who I have seen for my marriage.
This is such a deeply sensitive topic and I give you credit for addressing it in the serious manner that you do.
I just wish I knew about this when I was in my medical practice.
It is intresting that religious comments are something that you noticed. Why?
If you were to own your own feelings (and needs / basic rights, and inherent autonomy / sovereignty, god forbid); what problems would it cause? Yes! Incredible question.
I am so glad that the algorithms brought your content to me. You phrase things in a way that I have felt deep down that I’ve known but haven’t been able to articulate. Just that ability alone is exceptionally to the change I’ve wanted to make. Thank you so much for making this content available. 🙏
You are so welcome, I'm glad you find it helpful. Thanks for watching
Dr. Wise, I recently found your channel and can't tell you how much you have helped me. I'm still dealing with my narc mother. For my whole life, I felt there was something wrong with me. God Bless 🙏
How kind of you to say. Thank you for watching.
And just plain put you down, especially as an adult. What a great visual 'standing in the wrong emotional location' fortified with covert behavior like asking, and asking more questions just to be ignored while they tap on the cell phone. I am so sick and tired of being with this person who is my 76 year old mother. She knows how to drive her toxicity directly into my psyche. And I feel like I am 14 years old.
You just described my 82 year old covert narc mother. Among her many tricks, she weaponized her cell phone and was using it to abuse me. I finally decided the next time she started that mess I was going to take action. I was at her place when she started it again, so I just stood up and said in a very upbeat way "okay I'm going to go" and I left. I didn't act upset because a negative reaction would have been supply, but because I didn't sit there and take it again she got no supply. That was months ago...she hasn't done it since.
My mom does that all the time- ask questions, and then doesn't even listen to the answer!! (Often interrupting, or talking over me.)
I'm 53, have been in therapy for a few years, (and seen many good videos), but it STILL drives me effing mad every. single. time. 🤬
She's 73 now, and while her overt rage has quieted slightly, her manipulation, blame shifting, and complete lack of accountability or self awareness are as strong as ever. Plus, now she plays the "little old lady" card. 🙄
@@khakicampbell6640 a light bulb went off for me when I started learning about psychopathy and seeing myself as raised by one of these kind with a brain deformity.
Recently we threw a get together for our parents. I was put in charge of s’mores and the decorations. I asked for help needing ideas. My sister made a list of options. No one communicated with me as far as what ideas they were interested in doing. When I asked for help it was as if I didn’t matter and they just took over. Apparently when I ask for help it means I can’t do something or I need money. My family also interprets ‘support’ as financial help. However, on top of all that I get told to grow up and don’t be so sensitive
Perhaps it’s time to say bye to the get togethers.
YOu Joann deserve so much better than what you describe here. The messages you describe sound 'crazy making' (all respect to you." All the best going forward loving, accepting and approving you - yourself. You are so worth it.
I could never show my feel🎉ings.Showing my feelings would be annoying for them.Or I would just show weakness. Until now I look for sacrifice in life só I can show I am strong..
This was so spot on i had to listen to it twice.
My mother is a malignant narcissist who hates to see me feeling joy and peace. As I became an adult, over time, God gave me the courage to express my joy and the peace that surpasses all understanding because I embraced my identity in Jesus Christ. Narcissists are like chameleons constantly competing and changing their colors in order to stay one step ahead of their prey. Greater is He that is in me than he that is the world; as exhausting as being around my ailing 86 year old mother is, God continues to guide me one step ahead of her and she hates that she no longer has control over others. I pray that God blesses, comforts and guides all who are in toxic relationships and that those who cause chaos and destruction will turn their hearts and minds towards Almighty God and become a new creation in Christ Jesus.
So happy for you Deebee!!. I'm inclined to suggest a movie that meant so much to me which helped me understand my mother's behaviour. The Narcissist mused to a servile personal care nurse that was mistreated by her, "...that's all I ever wanted to have it my way!" That statement summarized my mother's strategy and motivation. As long as things went her way things were okay. The movie is free on YT "Pinky" it is a blast from the past should anyone be interested.
For me it has been; “Oh, I’m crying, that must mean I’m sad”, “I’m laughing, so I’m happy”. Didn’t feel my feelings.
Jerry, you have helped me more in the last two weeks than anyone in my 62yrs of life. Thank you sir!
'Shut up crying!' , 'Oh, here comes the pissy eyes!'
These are two of the many phrases from my late narc mother and grandmother.
They were past mistresses of making attempts to shut off our feelings - with physical, verbal, emotional and mental abuse.
I realized its best if I just really limit conversations with my mother. She only has 4 modes: humble bragging, complaining about how horrible life is, how she always has so much to do or complaining about my almost 40 year old sister.
These things are the only things she talks about since I was a child. Her idea of connecting with me is asking about work and my cat.
I had a phone conversation with her 2 days ago and I'm still rattled. I keep trying to reconnect with her but shes a perpetual trauma dumper/ woe is me person. She hung up on me when I pointed out all 4 of her adult children grew up to be generally miserable. All of us but in different ways. She claimed I was attacking her and brought up how God knows. That really angered me for some reason because I immediately shouted back with "God does know!!!". She disconnected the call. Im tired. Im tired of trying to soothe the inner child in me thats constantly crying out. Why do these emotions always feel so fresh everytime I communicate with her?
You are the “ child “ trying to find the mother you always wanted and instead every time she throws you down and all the feelings come back.
We keep hoping , trying , thinking that maybe this One time .. maybe they will be a normal mother like I have seen with other mothers. But you keep getting the same stuff. It’s like PTSD - she triggers you and you go back to the roll of the child.
One suggestion- when she complains- just respond “ aha” or “ sounds tough” or “ I get it”. That’s it. Nothing else . Don’t share your life and don’t offer advice.
She is self- absorbed in her own fantasy world.
Keep the conversations brief and imagine before you call her what she will say. Play out the entire discussion in your head. Then when you hang up - tell yourself “ damn .. I was right. She said and did everything as I predicted. I am a strong human that I have put up with her. I am a good person. Nobody can harm me. Ever.
I am a mother and I tried my best to not screw up. But I hate to say it but it only requires sex to become pregnant and to have a child. There are no requirements. We all just wing it. And if the person is mentally self absorbed- they have nothing to offer . It still hurts. But you can’t let her define the person you are.
@@ERElena8856 thank you for this ❤️. I'm going to try it the next time I speak with her. I can't stand that she has this power over me even in my 40s.
Its her job to raddle you. Mine did too until i decided to not participate anymore. I truly think they enjoy it
And don't be fooled that she will change/ stop - NOT going to happen
@@rubycubez1103 Repeat after me “ You will no longer do this to me I am an adult. “. Say this to yourself. The second she does this - tell her “ got to go ..I have diarrhea “.
She is doing this to torment you and is succeeding .
You have the power to reduce your exposure or not to bother.”
My friends mother was on her “ death bed”. She went to see her mother. The entire time she said nothing. When the cute doctor came in “she sat up , smiled and talked for 10 minutes to the doctor “. When he left she didn’t say another word and died the next day. She was a malignant narcissist who to the very end tried to torture her daughter by ignoring her “.
Look up narcissistic personality disorder
It’s a psych diagnosis, they never get better and they don’t care . They don’t love anyone. Sorry but this is the truth.
If you let her torment you - unfortunately she won’t care.
The stories are endless. They are like psychopaths. They don’t care no guilt.
As a grown adult I would visit my parents who lived in Canada and while I was there I could not go to visit anyone. I felt I had not one second for myself. It was like he took up every second while I was there.
This is the first time someone else speaks of this memory…We never went on vacation,only always visited parents…but we could never deviate from “family time”, never go out, visit other friends, only could be with family. The visits were so controlled.
Hey Jerry my narcissistic father keeps telling me I should change but how? He's the one being two faced not me he's so hypocritical! He makes me sick how pathetic he acts he's like 60 going on 5 he's so immature and lacks empathy. He's good at screwing people including his family over he acts like a true narcissist . He makes me feel worthless and like shit 😢😢😢cannot even have my own life without him dictating who I should be. The audicity he has is unbearable!
I have a husband like this. Narcissists don’t change- ever. He is the problem not you. If you look up narcissistic personality disorder. Look up their symptoms. Please don’t feel bad about yourself. He is the problem not you.
The best way for him to stop is for you to stop interacting with him. Block and delete. I hope you will have the strength one day to do that.
It is very common for narcissistic personality styles to project their own shame and insecurities onto other people. This allows the narcissist to project/externalize their own issues and "see" them attached to someone else so that the narcissist can pretend you are the one with the issues. I agree with the earlier reply, the goal is to eventually go "no contact" with any narcissist so that your healing can begin. Your feelings matter, your thoughts matter, and you matter. And the more you heal from narcissistic abuse, the more intolerable toxic people and situations will be to you. Please be kind, gentle, patient and loving with yourself as you move forward on your healing journey, and take care.
The spilled milk! We weren’t called names but our actions were screamed and yelled about, “what were doing/thinking? You weren’t watching what you were doing! That was just careless!”…I vowed to myself when I had kids and the milk was spilled I would always be loving & patient. I didn’t yell about milk, but the damage had been done. Seeing truth now at the root of it all at 57!
💯!! In my experience, I can relate to this totally
Thank you Jerry. In my narcissistic family of origin no matter what I did or did not do was always wrong
Some of the worst outbursts in my family growing up were over dropping or spilling things. My sister ended up with a broken hand over spilled Mountain Dew.
You hit a lot of points from my life, especially the over emotional reactions. I really like your videos. Thank you.
I learn soooooooo much from you Jerry!! I'll be grateful (and probably listen to you) forever!!😁
Such an important topic for me.
Growing up in narcissistic abuse was an eviscerating experience, painful and undermining, psychological taxidermy.
Thank you.
Amen 🙏
Wow. I never thought of it this way. You are so correct.
I have to say it again. I thank you so much for your comment. I feel so validated. It’s brought me to tears.
God Bless you. I hope you find peace in your life. We are not our parents. They can’t hurt me any more. This is what I tell myself.
@@ERElena8856 Thank you very much for your kind words. ❤🩹🙏
Thank you, Jerry! 💚💚💚
You are so welcome
I have shared your site with many people.
The narcissistic husband shuts off the wife’s feelings, so when the wife reacts, she might be over the top.
We zone out quickly
painful, resonates, much appreciated Jerry for your insights as always.
Raised by a covert and an overt trying not to repeat with my kids!!!
I've been following for a while. I am not in touch with my family of origin for a long time and all those things happened 50+ years ago. My maternal gm was a narcisist I guess.
What I hear you are saying what I perceive as my thinking is the old systems thinking that is still active after all that time. As I don't have thinking of my own after all these years and don't know how I invent it now. But you said it is not "how" question but "when" question. Like some deus ex machina? I Like how you explained systems vs true feelings.
I listen to my feelings and tell myself they are wrong.
Hi Jerry I am new to your site and loving the information.
Welcome to the community!
@@jerrywise thank you. I have a huge interest on this subject. New studies are showing that narcissistic parents alter brain development of their children. In adults they increase inflammation and in people with Lupus or Rheumatoid arthritis they can make diseases worse.
@@jerrywise these studies are brand new and the results are unbelievable. The message has not reached the medical community. It’s bad. The increase in inflammation is causing the body to mistaken your body’s normal cells as being foreign invaders.
God bless you. I appreciate your active love in humanity.🤔❤🇺🇸
Thank you Jerry
From JANESVILLE, WISCONSIN USA-
Thanks again
Thanks again Jerry. You REALLY know how to explain these complex things. Your vocabulary on them is relatable (eg "wrong emotional location") and its a pleasure learning from you. Thank you for all you do.
I think that actually the location does not matter. The sense of control matters. They "introject" you, so there is a version of you living inside their heads, and they must assert their internalized version over the external, real you. They do it to feel safe, because they're horrified by the real external world of persons and feelings. And maybe at some point in their life they had a real reason for that. They can love or hate the internalized you, but they will rather die than give it up, because to them that would spell the unmitigated return of their own horrors.
Thank you for sharing your knowledge and wisdom. I am a psychiatrist and learn a lot from you.❤ Greetings from South Africa 🇿🇦
Best to you in South Africa
You are doing incredible work
My parents.
Excellent information. Resonates strongly with my experience.
Glad it was helpful!
Hi , Jerry ❤ have known about your UA-cam channel from Elena Scott! Thsnk you for everything you do ❤
You're very welcome! thanks for watching
I have literally said those words to my mom. " you suck all the oxygen out of the room" !!
Hi Jerry. Thank you 🙏 so much for the Margaret Paul book 📕 recommendation.
Yup. But they sure never shut off their own!
Always good stuff... Emotional vacuum cleaner..
Thank you ❤
Do you trust your own feelings XD I remember when my therapist hit me with that question. Blew my mind at the time, was my wake up that helped me change things for the better
I experience everything you tell