25 Key Rules for Healing Limerence
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- Опубліковано 13 бер 2023
- I could make a top 1,000 rule list, here. To keep this video under 12 hours, I will do more videos like this. For the people who have just discovered Limerence, often by researching the debilitating symptoms, please take some hard earned advice from Aunty Fenna, Serial Limerent.
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[I offer personal counseling with a scheduled appointment or on an "emergency" basis.
For my help, please contact me: fennavdberg@hotmail.com]
Hello!
My name is Fenna van den Berg, I am a certified coach and counselor. I have worked in the mental health field for over 25 years.
Having been through episodes of Limerence, I have "earned my stripes" to help others with their recovery. I understand the obsession and suffering of Limerence. My passion is being able to share with you, and all limerents, a guided-way forward on your journey of healing. We do this through discovering and practicing self-love and compassion. As someone who has suffered through limerence, I have developed effective coaching for people with limerence. My Coaching has helped countless have a more purposeful life, and I want to help you. We will work together, so that you may have a life more in line with your values and integrity.
Together, we are blossoming a community of friendly people with the same debilitating feelings and experiences of Limerence. Here, we share with, support, and nurture each other in giving love to ourselves, perhaps for the first time.
When you’re ready to end your pain and suffering from seeking the "Other," I’m here to guide you in recognizing your true lovable self, with compassionate teaching, counseling and also private coaching.
For my help, please contact me: fennavdberg@hotmail.com
My editor is the best!! : Heymel Visual
Graphics: Studio Ilse van Klei ilsevanklei.nl/
Hopeamine: comes from the podcast "when dating hurts" on spotify.
The phrase "Learn to leave": Comes from Alan Robarge, the best psychotherapist out there. #alanrobarge,
Thank you Fenna. I can’t say how grateful I am to have found your channel. It has helped me immensely in a pretty dark time 🙏🏻
My biggest lesson: Being with someone who wants to be with you just as much as you do is a bare minimum requirement.
My limerence lesson is: "I'm repeating this compulsion because I haven't learned something about me and I am living out of integrity and I must regain my own power".
So limerence is a challenge!!! No sense in feeling shame about it, but you have to know if you are making it worse on you!
How I describe Limerence..it’s like your brain is held hostage and you keep negotiating ‘if I say this, or do this they might like me or give me attention’ you have to say no deals no negotiations and bring yourself back down to planet earth. No Contact and remove anything about them that provides stimulation to your nervous system.
You have to grieve, accept the pain and misery before it get’s better, it doesn’t have a timetable. I’m in the grief stage now and it hurts like hell, but it will hurt much worse staying attached and addicted to this person, I’ve had relapses but limerence is like an addiction so it’s part of the process. I hope that I can eventually go longer and longer NC until it stops hurting so much.
P.S beautiful cat by the way! ❤️
It takes a long-time for some of us unfortunately, but you are totally right even if you miss the person a lot.....
This line (“ but it will hurt much worse staying attached and addicted to this person,….”) is so true and so hard to accept…. But it is great mantra . Thank you
My conclusion after my limerent episode: avoid romantic interests at all costs. The hormones go haywire and my life turns upside down. I can't afford to repeat that- I don't trust myself. It's too bad that my limerent episode made me more afraid of romance than I already was. Maybe someday I will find myself in a healthy romantic relationship. For now, though, romance is out of the question and I am focusing on myself.
So true, First time for me and I am not that young
@MsChimerical: Good for you.I hope you stick to your principles.😊😊😊😊
My biggest lessons were:
* I can survive without other person I'm an adult, I'm absolutely fine (attachment wound )
* I MUST go slow when engaging with a new person because in 3 months I can see them completely different/ not want them and all the sacrifices I made can be for nothing
* to be extra careful when the chemistry is strong and not to be intimate too soon because it creates false attachment which is very hard to break
* stop active fantasising just take one day at a time and get to know a new person based on how they act/not on how I see them in my fantasies
* don't invest too much in the early stages because it's hard to give up later when we invested so much ( time, energy, money)
* don't isolate, abandon friends, family , keep our normal activities, don't lose myself for one person
* never put them on a pedestal ( big one)
Hurray !! Thank you for sharing
"Ignoring red flags is a red flag" - This one spoke to me the most and if this wisdom was ingrained in my discernment it may have been really protective. Its also an opportunity to validate the red flags you are feelings and noticing or at the very least confront the other on them and allow their reaction to reveal whether they are a narc, a mismatch or whether the relationship is actually compatible. The first red flag I ignored was noticing that this person's apology for interrogating me on the first date felt very hollow and unempathetic.
The last person I was with fit the profile of my dad. I am extremely limerance with this person because I believe the attachment is on a subconscious level. My subconscious recognizes the patterns of this person as being familiar. I feel my subconscious want this person to heal me.
I’m in cbt to help with this.
HopeAmine😂😥 Pretty cat...cat-love is the perfect match for limerents❣️ No one understands limerents like you, Fenna. Thank you for your work. Limerance is as sharp as a razor's edge & it cuts you to pieces. It will send you into ecstasy when you see his smile, hear his laugh, watch him walk, & hear his voice mmmmm. It seems to be worth every pain. But the crying, the longing, the hopelessness makes you wonder why you're so freaking crazy & don't just f_cking walk away!! ....but to hear him laugh, hear his voice...
@@followingfenna beautiful Fenna... I'm sorry you know it to be true💞
I learned to really put myself and interests first. As I’ve been recovering, I’ve noticed I’ve been more driven and can accomplish more things. I still fall back into loops but I’m able to recover faster now that understand what’s going on. Appreciate your channel.
So many great lessons! Thank you, Fenna! I have never experienced limerence with any other relationship in my life except for this one friendship in my recent past. After dealing with the depression, anxiety and shame from it, I found it helpful to tell my friend about the limerence, while at the same time explaining my part in the dysfunction of what happened, (lack of boundaries, etc) and having to cut communication. It made me really sad, but I’ve learned a lot from what happened and am pretty happy again. There are still moments where tears may “sting” when I think about it, but with my faith and new healthy lifestyle habits, I’m learning to take that emotion and channel it into new hobbies, volunteering, etc.
I relate to your feeling so much Michelle . This podcast is brilliant. Thank you Fenna
This is insightful, compassionate and full of humanity. Your viedoes have been so helpful and healing when feeling anxious, full of shame and down in the dumps. Your videos have helped me understand that I have had attachment issues and been a serial limerent throughout my life, and that I am not a freak or a bad person. I have been in a limerent episode for a year now, and let me quote a song by Ella Fitzgerald, "Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered" - that seem so fitting for this crazy, roller coaster ride: "Burned a lot, but learned a lot" . One of the things I learned, was that intrinsic narcissism (we all have it somewhat) was reflected back to me. I have felt that being an LO (limerent object) myself some instances, and a limerent other times, is a dynamic that may feed unhealthy narcissism. The dating game should not be a power struggle, but true love should have a balance. Initially I was so resentful of my current LO, but realized I also have basked in the rapt attention of a limerent. Feeling the pain of limerence forced me to take a long, hard look at myself and how I interact with others. My LO served as a mirror, so to speak.
Wauw, may I share your comment in one of my video's??
@@followingfenna : my pleasure- go ahead🙏☺️
Oh my goodness 😊This is the BEST UA-cam video on limerence. You have laid out the many layers of this addition. I can now see the 25 layers. What I need to face to conquer this addiction. It will take time. I’m writing the 25 layers down. To refer back to again and again. For my checks and balances to over come this painful addictive situation.
Thank you
Thank you Jeff, as always.
Thanks Fenna the info makes my day more peaceful.
This was incredibly helpful. Thank you ❤
Ignoring red flags , is a red flag! Thank you! I will take them more seriously and act on it!
GM Fenna...your videos helped me overcome my last limirence...thank you..
I keep watching every video of yours
Love from India 🇮🇳
It’s a mid matched friendship. It’s my pattern. I always forget. Till it’s late. It’s not too late - thx very much. No 1 is a good start. You are great with clarity.
Thank you! Also for taking the time to comment :)
25 x thank you Fenna.
I did find volunteer work that aligned with my values. And I took my mind off of the LO and got busy with other things, Yes it helped - and I feel better, but it did not get totally rid of the thoughts of the LO. I think the best way to get over the LO is to find a new dating partner, or sexual partner, or romantic partner. Or just a new friend maybe. But it's still hard when the new friend does not look, act, or speak as well as the LO. Time is what really heals this for me.
We can not do anything directly to stop the thinking, dating made it worse for me. Using self compassion helped me a lot and giving it a lot of time.
@@followingfenna I believe self-improvement is the most powerful thing I can do about feeling good after the L has taken hold. In my case it's better diet and working out hard at the gym. Physical fitness for the mind and body can't be a bad thing. I channel the want and desire (or the LO) into energy to fuel the workout believe it or not. Which seems at first like it would not help. But the results gained from the exorcise does help I believe.
Fenna there is a old song, a country song about "the one thing to make you get over a woman, and that's another woman" - not that I agree 100%. But we need things to take our mind in other directions to help somewhat. This does not fix the emotional problems deep inside us that made up susceptible to L in the first place, but it helps us to feel better at the moment we are in out worst place at the time of L. So for some dating can help other no. My problem with dating someone else is that they would not be able to compare with the LO. My LO was special and rare. Smart and good looking, educated and higher class. That is tough to find out there. I needed to find faults and then dwell on them to help me. Try to see the person as flawed and not all that hot, which is hard to do but can be done.
What a beautiful cat❤
I'm really enjoying your videos on this. Very insightful.
I really need a coaching lesson with you... you are so straight to the point anf relay information where its understandable. Ive been in limerence 4 times in my life, its soul destroying. Currently going through it now. I need to break my limerence cycle otherwise it may happen again
These lessons are so incredible. I’m so happy that I’ve come across your channel. ❤❤❤
Ignored silent treatment and inability to say sorry
Yep those are some.
Wow! Your channel has been eye opening! Learning that limerence is not love is the most freeing thing. I have so much more clarity and true hope, not “hopamine”, that I will have healthy connections after learning these truths about the way the nervous system has become attached. Thank you for these tools and insight and helping explain the role the brain has played through attachment issues to perhaps cause us to find mismatches. If someone is just getting their needs met, this is unavailable. I am worth of having available people. Ignoring red flags IS A RED FLAG! Thank you for your channel and all these thoughtful videos. I barely learned the word limerence yesterday from my therapist and already I feel so free!
I'm really happy you found my channel and thank you for the nice comment
My biggest lessons are: 1) It happens to strong minded people also, 2) It is hard to differentiate the feeling that one must accept and go through and the recurring thoughts that must be stopped 3) patience is a virtue that is really important in limerence
🤗🙂
Why do we fall so deeply with a miss match 😵💫
@mathewpilkington8039: opposites attract.😊😊
Fenna, you're amazing as always. I cannot thank you more for your work. I would really like to know your opinion about this topic: do you think that open relationships can work? because many people say that believing in monogamy is unrealistic, and that people should accept that sexual activity can be done without emotional connection, and it's a basic need... but that's a hard pill to swallow, I don't know what to believe anymore. thank you in advance!! :)
I seem to have limerance in just about every relationship that I had not all. But I think it stems from my father wound. My dad was emotionally unavailable so I look for what my father wasn’t able to give me in other men.
Fenna, how long does this limerence phase last?
I unfortunately work with my AP and it's difficult at times. No contact is helping, but it's making my recovery with my wife difficult.
Mike, it migh take time but keep NC or it will probably never stop hurting ..
You may also speak of hopium, copium, magical thinking, crapfit
@@followingfenna I love your accent, and sometimes your "situationships" said quickly sound like "shituationships" - quite fitting and always make me agree haha.
Emotions are triggered by hormones and women are controlled by their emotions & limerence is a dopamine high equal to getting hooked on heroin. If your wife goes into Limerence with another man I can tell you this: She is never coming back to you.
The cold hard truth for the husband is:Your wife’s genuine desire belongs to another man, she won’t have sex with you because if she did she would be betraying the man she desires, her limerence partner. She already knows you the husband, you are familiar, you have rapport, you are comfortable, you are predictable, you are BORING. While her limerence partner in comparison is delightful, mysterious, new, novel, fun, hotter, smells & taste delicious, does different things in bed, while with him her emotions are triggered into feelings of excitement & possibilities.
Bottom line: It could take years for your wife to come down from the high of a limerence partner & you will be forever her second choice.