Hello Fenna :)) im doing so fricking much better, nearly completely over her. you are literally the master on this topic and its soo important to cleary say that looks for example have nothing to do with getting into a limerent state etc. and that this is normal. i have talked with MANY people who experienced the same. And in fact like you say, a limerent state is very natural from our bodys and natures perspective, we are designed to regulate our nervous systems, we need a tribe. I have tried sooo many weird things like i said in one comment: tell someone you are an anxious person etc, i tried meditation, dating other people (distraction), watching endless videos on attachment theory to find out what is wrong with me but the ONE thing i did not actually do was feel. you need to treat your emotions and feelings with respect, you NEED to grieve like it was a real relationship, otherwise its just gonna be a distraction. be honest with yourself, scream that you love the person while tears fall down your face while you listen to sad songs, THATS how you get rid of the attachment and the deep bond. you need to feel, cry, scream whatever. and no contact. thank you so much for all the help. you are so great.
My LO was interactive. He just didn't offer much clarity. And whenever I made an attempt to get more information about what is that he wants, I got ignored. I spent 11 years in the state of limerence and hoping that dynamic would change. I went NC and it definitely works for me to gain more clarity. 😊
My LO was partly /intermittently reciprocating which made it all very addictive. There were lots of obstacles, of course, and some heavy mismatches (e g attachment styles, communication, desired type of relationship). For a long time it seemed like things were slowly progressing - but real steps to make time and space and commitment for us were never made from his side. He was very sensitive for better and, for my part, for worse, being scared away by all kinds of uncomfortable feelings and situations. I finally was in an almost constant state of anger/resentment. My way out came when he was away for some weeks, and I used the time to focus on new acquaintances, new activities, and to have much less contact. I discovered I was at last truly better off without him - and also, that he had left almost no marks in my actual life. It feels bitter but probably in the end also is a blessing. Resentment and longing are still sometimes in me but they dissolve after a while and peaceful and joyous times are again increasing in my life.
I could have written this! And such soil for limerence The avoidant the fear of expressing our boundaries the seemingly slow progress but not really the not integrating. What a waste of time, I'm happy you got out.
At times it seemed my lo was limerent too, but eventually I saw he mirrored me and is actually a narcissist who just fed off my desire. Now he doesn't want intimacy and seems as happy to blank me or critique me as he was the other way. Once he gets a reaction he doesn't care what kind. I'm over it now more or less, though he can still affect me. It helped me to get over the lo by focusing on how unhealthy it was and by trying to notice other people around me more.
This is so true! I ended my therapy sessions due to this, I didn't explain the reason as it would have been hard to discuss. I think it was being made to feel special after never receiving kindness. I'll miss that!
I'm passing by just to thank you 💙💙. With your channel I understood my behavior and after decades I was able to "get rid" of this anguish. Today my former engaging LO continues to pursue me (even though he is unavailable and we never even talked) and almost disturbed my beginning of a relationship with someone I'm starting to know calmly, without turning him into a God and I'm really enjoying it. The 3 of us share a common space and I'm keeping a good distance, but even so he sometimes exaggerates and I have to be a little tougher. Now he even reinforces my new "relationship" because when the LO starts with the strange attempts I go to the side of the person I'm "getting to know" (we never spoke about the LO) , since he also always approaches me when my former LO starts with the strange behavior. Oh my former LO doesn't try to talk to me he just acts weird.
Love Stinks, J Geils band, 1980 (nothing has changed 😆) Lyrics You love her But she loves him And he loves somebody else You just can't win And so it goes 'Til the day you die This thing they call love It's gonna make you cry I've had the blues The reds and the pinks One thing for sure (Love stinks) Love stinks, yeah, yeah
My wife had a 3 year limerence affair with a coworker immediately after giving birth (postpartum depression). Looking back she was an emotional train wreck and for her limerence partner she was was an easy score. For 3 years all he had to do was whisper a few kind words & she responded by giving him sex. When I found out two things happened: 1. I moved out for 4 years, 2. Her limerence partner (the other man) suddenly realized he no longer wanted to date a woman with kids. After 4 years of separation I returned for our son's sake (for the kids) & I am glad I did because with my calming presence he has grown to be well adjusted & successful, my wife is still nuts & there is a high probability I will be leaving her soon as my moral obligation to her & my son is gone & there are many women out there who would love my company & whom I would also enjoy.
I’m not sure what category my LO falls under. He gave me attention, validation, and said all the right things. On the other hand he did tell me he just wanted to get to know someone really well before jumping into a relationship. Long story short I expressed my interest in him and I thought he did too. At the end he ghosted me. Who expresses strong interest and just disappears like that? I was really hurt.
My LO is a good person. Maybe he is also limerent, i don't know for sure. And I did not ask. There is also the pull and push. Sometimes he did, sometines i did. And the hope that one day we will be together it's not gone. But al things are not clear. From both sides. NC failed. Another time it failed. With contact i mean texting and calling. It's really difficult. To read from Fenna that not al the LO are bad persons, it's feel good, but if he was really a shit person/men it was more easy to stop and say: it's enough and... vaarwel.
My LO I think did genuinely love me but the obstacles were situational....At least according to her.....That doesn't change my instinct that she was also a narcissist with potentially bi-polar disorder....I was in a relationship with a cluster-b type a very long time ago so i knew the signs but like a dumb ass ignored them in this LO as they started to reveal themselves.....In my defense, I was recovering at home from major surgery so i wasn't exactly at my strongest when i met her....Where i met her should have also been a red flag.....An online chat room.....I'm 51 and seriously starting to wonder if i can only form anything with damaged women in life.
She has like 2 personalities. On the one hand she's egocentric. Avoidant type of attachment. Mood swings. Angry most of the time. But otherwise she can be very sweet and vulnerable and desirable. Deadly mix.
@@followingfenna Sometimes when I'm praying, I thank God for letting me know him at all--so beautiful. When in the moment, his smile & presence brings me great joy.
Okay, but disclosure changes everything. Are you prepared to leave your LO behind forever? It can't go on after true disclosure, tho I think men, in particular, know when you're in love with them regardless. Their egos are such that even if you're not, they believe it to be so if you pay attention to them. Be sure you're you're prepared to say goodbye forever. Forever is long, but your love will still endure. Heed my warning.
hi, my LO is so beautifull and strange ! we were in couple during 2 years, it was hard to forget her and i didn't ! a lot of photos and letters, i couldn 't contact her, like a ghost, and one month ago, on facebook, after 25 years, she found me, clear, she was in couple and have a daughter, and not clear, she want to see me ...push and pull, narcissistic, playing with my feeling.i was so happy to see her but i saw the game, the sadness before the meeting, she's got my number but can't call ...can't communicate on facebook, meaby she is in bad way ...i saw the trap, i'm hypersensitive, she seems toxic and not clear at all, i decided not to see her and i will try to grieve.
@@followingfenna you help me to be strong too ! ;), i burned all letters and some pictures ....i can't really forget her, but it's just like a dream and i don't want live with a dream ! or run for a fake ! i clean my flat and have a date tonight ! yes ! ;), to see her will be a suicide !
Wonder if hopium is a latent survival mechanism, a social mandate, or inherent part of love..I mean it evades our reason though we know it for false hope, there's always the idea there is the tiniest chance. We needed hopium as a species to survive when food was scarce or weather was brutal...we had to go forward against our own reason that said we were doomed. In society we say anyone can be president no matter how dire their living situation. In love, well, we cannot afford to believe the worst in people or we'd be disconnected. Funny how it cannot be eradicated completely in limerence. Must be hardwired in our bodies.
My wife is limerant for a man who is also limerant for her. She’s known him 5 months and she’s trying to move our kids directly in with this person they have never met. Her behavior is hurting our small children already and I’m completely lost. I don’t really care about saving the relationship at this point but I’m devastated thinking about my children suffering
Hello Fenna :)) im doing so fricking much better, nearly completely over her.
you are literally the master on this topic and its soo important to cleary say that looks for example have nothing to do with getting into a limerent state etc. and that this is normal. i have talked with MANY people who experienced the same. And in fact like you say, a limerent state is very natural from our bodys and natures perspective, we are designed to regulate our nervous systems, we need a tribe.
I have tried sooo many weird things like i said in one comment: tell someone you are an anxious person etc, i tried meditation, dating other people (distraction), watching endless videos on attachment theory to find out what is wrong with me but the ONE thing i did not actually do was feel. you need to treat your emotions and feelings with respect, you NEED to grieve like it was a real relationship, otherwise its just gonna be a distraction. be honest with yourself, scream that you love the person while tears fall down your face while you listen to sad songs, THATS how you get rid of the attachment and the deep bond. you need to feel, cry, scream whatever. and no contact.
thank you so much for all the help. you are so great.
@@followingfenna yeah of course :))
Went Swing Dancing tonight. Taking lessons. Diversions. Super fun. Love your fun fashions. Super.
My LO was interactive. He just didn't offer much clarity. And whenever I made an attempt to get more information about what is that he wants, I got ignored. I spent 11 years in the state of limerence and hoping that dynamic would change. I went NC and it definitely works for me to gain more clarity. 😊
Love that sweater. Plus home decor is on point. NC 9 days.
My LO was partly /intermittently reciprocating which made it all very addictive. There were lots of obstacles, of course, and some heavy mismatches (e g attachment styles, communication, desired type of relationship). For a long time it seemed like things were slowly progressing - but real steps to make time and space and commitment for us were never made from his side. He was very sensitive for better and, for my part, for worse, being scared away by all kinds of uncomfortable feelings and situations. I finally was in an almost constant state of anger/resentment. My way out came when he was away for some weeks, and I used the time to focus on new acquaintances, new activities, and to have much less contact. I discovered I was at last truly better off without him - and also, that he had left almost no marks in my actual life. It feels bitter but probably in the end also is a blessing. Resentment and longing are still sometimes in me but they dissolve after a while and peaceful and joyous times are again increasing in my life.
I could have written this!
And such soil for limerence
The avoidant the fear of expressing our boundaries the seemingly slow progress but not really the not integrating. What a waste of time, I'm happy you got out.
@@followingfenna I so agree! Thank you for commenting - I feel seen, and I feel in very helpful company. ❤
Thank you for all your amazing videos Fenna
Indeed Thank you Fenna
At times it seemed my lo was limerent too, but eventually I saw he mirrored me and is actually a narcissist who just fed off my desire. Now he doesn't want intimacy and seems as happy to blank me or critique me as he was the other way. Once he gets a reaction he doesn't care what kind. I'm over it now more or less, though he can still affect me.
It helped me to get over the lo by focusing on how unhealthy it was and by trying to notice other people around me more.
This is so true! I ended my therapy sessions due to this, I didn't explain the reason as it would have been hard to discuss. I think it was being made to feel special after never receiving kindness. I'll miss that!
Thank you Fenna. I have listened to this multiple times today.
I have a covert narcissist as an LO. It’s not much fun 😢 thank you for your videos, they are very soothing and helpful 😊
Thank you for this nice comment
Secondary loss is the real lost thing to me. Just having the simple friendship end is just as bad or worse in my case.
I'm passing by just to thank you 💙💙. With your channel I understood my behavior and after decades I was able to "get rid" of this anguish. Today my former engaging LO continues to pursue me (even though he is unavailable and we never even talked) and almost disturbed my beginning of a relationship with someone I'm starting to know calmly, without turning him into a God and I'm really enjoying it. The 3 of us share a common space and I'm keeping a good distance, but even so he sometimes exaggerates and I have to be a little tougher. Now he even reinforces my new "relationship" because when the LO starts with the strange attempts I go to the side of the person I'm "getting to know" (we never spoke about the LO) , since he also always approaches me when my former LO starts with the strange behavior. Oh my former LO doesn't try to talk to me he just acts weird.
Your videos make so much clear, thank you for that Fenna!
Love Stinks, J Geils band, 1980 (nothing has changed 😆)
Lyrics
You love her
But she loves him
And he loves somebody else
You just can't win
And so it goes
'Til the day you die
This thing they call love
It's gonna make you cry
I've had the blues
The reds and the pinks
One thing for sure
(Love stinks)
Love stinks, yeah, yeah
My LO is good, reciprocating but unavailable LO.
My wife had a 3 year limerence affair with a coworker immediately after giving birth (postpartum depression). Looking back she was an emotional train wreck and for her limerence partner she was was an easy score. For 3 years all he had to do was whisper a few kind words & she responded by giving him sex. When I found out two things happened: 1. I moved out for 4 years, 2. Her limerence partner (the other man) suddenly realized he no longer wanted to date a woman with kids. After 4 years of separation I returned for our son's sake (for the kids) & I am glad I did because with my calming presence he has grown to be well adjusted & successful, my wife is still nuts & there is a high probability I will be leaving her soon as my moral obligation to her & my son is gone & there are many women out there who would love my company & whom I would also enjoy.
I’m not sure what category my LO falls under. He gave me attention, validation, and said all the right things. On the other hand he did tell me he just wanted to get to know someone really well before jumping into a relationship. Long story short I expressed my interest in him and I thought he did too. At the end he ghosted me. Who expresses strong interest and just disappears like that? I was really hurt.
This is what happened to me. It's so confusing and hurtful
My LO is a good person. Maybe he is also limerent, i don't know for sure. And I did not ask. There is also the pull and push. Sometimes he did, sometines i did. And the hope that one day we will be together it's not gone. But al things are not clear. From both sides. NC failed. Another time it failed. With contact i mean texting and calling. It's really difficult. To read from Fenna that not al the LO are bad persons, it's feel good, but if he was really a shit person/men it was more easy to stop and say: it's enough and... vaarwel.
My LO I think did genuinely love me but the obstacles were situational....At least according to her.....That doesn't change my instinct that she was also a narcissist with potentially bi-polar disorder....I was in a relationship with a cluster-b type a very long time ago so i knew the signs but like a dumb ass ignored them in this LO as they started to reveal themselves.....In my defense, I was recovering at home from major surgery so i wasn't exactly at my strongest when i met her....Where i met her should have also been a red flag.....An online chat room.....I'm 51 and seriously starting to wonder if i can only form anything with damaged women in life.
She has like 2 personalities.
On the one hand she's egocentric. Avoidant type of attachment. Mood swings. Angry most of the time.
But otherwise she can be very sweet and vulnerable and desirable.
Deadly mix.
Sounds a lot like the one i had......Would be surprised if she not a cluster-B of some type or at least be borderline.
Fenna, Limerence is a both a blessing & a curse, no?
@@followingfenna Sometimes when I'm praying, I thank God for letting me know him at all--so beautiful. When in the moment, his smile & presence brings me great joy.
Okay, but disclosure changes everything. Are you prepared to leave your LO behind forever? It can't go on after true disclosure, tho I think men, in particular, know when you're in love with them regardless. Their egos are such that even if you're not, they believe it to be so if you pay attention to them. Be sure you're you're prepared to say goodbye forever. Forever is long, but your love will still endure. Heed my warning.
Men are the Romantics.
hi, my LO is so beautifull and strange ! we were in couple during 2 years, it was hard to forget her and i didn't ! a lot of photos and letters, i couldn 't contact her, like a ghost, and one month ago, on facebook, after 25 years, she found me, clear, she was in couple and have a daughter, and not clear, she want to see me ...push and pull, narcissistic, playing with my feeling.i was so happy to see her but i saw the game, the sadness before the meeting, she's got my number but can't call ...can't communicate on facebook, meaby she is in bad way ...i saw the trap, i'm hypersensitive, she seems toxic and not clear at all, i decided not to see her and i will try to grieve.
@@followingfenna you help me to be strong too ! ;), i burned all letters and some pictures ....i can't really forget her, but it's just like a dream and i don't want live with a dream ! or run for a fake ! i clean my flat and have a date tonight ! yes ! ;), to see her will be a suicide !
Wonder if hopium is a latent survival mechanism, a social mandate, or inherent part of love..I mean it evades our reason though we know it for false hope, there's always the idea there is the tiniest chance. We needed hopium as a species to survive when food was scarce or weather was brutal...we had to go forward against our own reason that said we were doomed. In society we say anyone can be president no matter how dire their living situation. In love, well, we cannot afford to believe the worst in people or we'd be disconnected. Funny how it cannot be eradicated completely in limerence. Must be hardwired in our bodies.
Yes, I remember you told us that. Interesting how we can't bypass it as rational adults.
Desire is the source of all pain. (according to Buddha) All you have to do is rid yourself of Desire...😂
My wife is limerant for a man who is also limerant for her. She’s known him 5 months and she’s trying to move our kids directly in with this person they have never met. Her behavior is hurting our small children already and I’m completely lost. I don’t really care about saving the relationship at this point but I’m devastated thinking about my children suffering