I've never understood why it's considered ok to tell someone they are too much. I would never tell someone they are boring, underwhelming, or not enough.
A friend told me I needed to do work on myself. She was right and I did need to it was feedback. I didnt do the work until years later ... she's a real positive friendly realistic humorous woman, very wise.
It's not okay. It's rude and unkind, and it places blame on the other person instead of acknowledging that your personalities just don't quite mesh or jive.
@@krisdiane when it's not ok for others to state their opinions, you are coming from victimhood. When you accept whatever others say and do without taking it personally, you come from a place of empowerment.
I agree. Unless the person is causing you harm with their behaviour, being too intrusive, overstepping boundaries etc. But even then, I agree there’s no excuse to tell someone they’re “too much” or “not enough” - a simple “I can’t deal with this right now” or “this is too heavy for me to deal with, I’m sorry I cannot help” would be better. We all have different boundaries and levels of awareness/empathy though I suppose
This is a big reason why I have no friends right now. I've gotten to the point of identifying the wrong people and setting boundaries or cutting them out, but I haven't gotten to the point where I let new better people in yet. I am so grateful for your videos.
I feel you, we're all learning. 💕 I noticed your last unicorn profile pic- I feel like fans of this movie tend to be a special sort of sensitive and perceptive. Fans of crappy childhood fairy as well! Fun crossover of universes.
Same! Pushing away good people who get too close, or avoiding. It's actually a subconscious fear of not being good enough. Once you heal this faulty belief (try daily affirmations night & day), new relationships will feel more naturally enticing.
This has plagued me throughout my life. I am in my sixties now and have learned to count on and rely on myself because most friends and family members in my life only care about what they are going through and that’s it.
When I was growing up (1970s), neighbors did a lot of the things for each other that you describe here (giving a ride, watching each other's kids, sharing a meal). I remember my mother doing a lot to help two elderly sisters across the street from us. And our family was not at all religious, but I noticed that people who were had strong support networks through their churches. I wonder if part of the problem is that today we are all looking to our friends to take up the slack created by a total breakdown of any sense of community.
I think the micro connections within your community are absolutely important. I felt the loss of those connections during lockdown and really didn't realize how important they are until they were gone.
I agree and just knowing how pervasive child abuse is by reading Anne Salter's book Predators: Pedophiles, Rapists, and other Sex Offenders... I have less excitement I'll find others of character much less a sex partner with good character. I'll be putting my energy toward skill building with others and just have sexual fun by myself. Lol... If someone comes along I will not have huge celebration but I'll be engaged in receiving and reciprocating. But, I will ever be watching for the monster. I have seen how long things remain hidden
If someone can’t even spare a second to listen to you or even ask how you are leave. Not worth your time. Their loss. Don’t let anyone make you believe your too much. You deserve love ❤️
"you have the capacity to pay attention to someone who is self-centered, and they love that." ..... never heard it put that way but dang... this was affirming for me.
This happened to me. Two surgeries nearly back to back, nearly died twice and no one really bothered with me other than my mother and a cousin. No one at all helped me with housework once I came home, brought meals by, just checked on me to see if I was okay, etc. Due to my surgery(which took place in my torso area) I could barely move. I am still grappling with realizing just how unimportant I became when I really needed help. This happened years ago but it's still kind of raw. How do you nearly die, TWICE, and no one looks up? Cut everyone off after that because if you didn't have these so-called friends (and yes, family too)when you really, really needed them then you don't need them now. In fact, I don't think I ever had them in the first place. This was a hard, but good lesson learned about who you let into your life. I am sorry this happened to you too.
Most of my “friends” let me down when I needed them the most. I went through a divorce alone, and one of my “friends” of 20 years to whom I opened up (the first time ever talking about the heavy stuff) and she decided to tell me that our friendship was nothing to her and that she was just friends with me out of obligation. Every time I open up I get abandoned or don’t receive the support I need. And it’s not because I vomit my emotions on them. I take my time and I’m very cautious before opening up. Now I’m in a relationship with a man who seems to want to be there for me, but I can’t open up anymore. I fear that the moment I open up, he’ll abandon me.
Have you ever read the books by Brene Brown? I've only read one, but it got me thinking a bit differently about vulnerability, like, maybe it's better to let people see it earlier on and they can flee then if they're too immature to deal with it, much better than finding out 20 years later that they're actually a jerk. I had the same thing happen to me and it hurt deeply. Best wishes to you!
Good riddance to her. What an unhappy person to visit that upon you. Always remember, it wasn’t you. It wasn’t about you. It is about her. It’s her problem, not yours. I think this has happen to many of us.
@@TheLiquidCat Yes! That is the key. Go and be open about your emotions and don’t shy away from your struggles. That way you will attract people who are comfortable with vulnerability
So much of your subject matter resonates with me; thank you! After 50+ years of knowing people who couldn't believe that not all mothers cherish their children, I felt that I'd never find others who'd experienced this neglect. Your channel and subscribers are amazing; we all work toward healing. You provide an incredible insight and service so that we can work on taking care of ourselves. It's horrifyingly destructive to a child to tell them (and show them)"your needs are unnecessary, demanding, ridiculous, selfish?" My needs/wants (mom & dad) are the only legitimate ones. "Your duty (as a 3 year old child) is to take care of me/us." With your guidance, may we all develop into the fulfilled and confident adults we were meant to be.
An old ´friend´tried to rekindle our friendship of young adult years. I fitted the role she had for me then. Now, I have healed, at least partly. I expected her to have matured, too, but she is exactly the same. Now, that I see the narcissism, it seems unreal. She treated me as badly, as years ago. I called her on Xmas. Her adult child was visiting her with boyfriend. My ´friend´ did not even wish me merry xmas, just abruptly expressed her child was there, no time to talk. As if I was some intruding salesman. This seems not a big deal, but her other stuff is so much worse. The phone call was about as if I am not someone she can talk to when real people are with her. Even she must have known it was rude. She really had me boxed in as someone not worth while but good enough as an audience (which she needs where ever she goes). The times we met for a hobby, she talked 99,98 per cent of the time. I go no contact. I run into her at times, and she seems to have no idea what´s going on because I remain polite and reserved. I am not as bold that I could just walk pass her and say, I am in a hurry (going into the same building).
Such great advice!!: allow yourself about 6 times of hanging out w/someone new before talking heavy personal problems! Be measured in ur responses! We need to test the relationships and also NOT try to fix their problems. Last, you are right - not to get caught in tit-for-tat w/who 'owes' u emotional energy support time. Basically, we need to get to know someone...(PS-how true that we crap-fit bc we gained the capacity to listen to self-centered ppl, who love it!) Thank you Anna!
I’m totally a magnet for these one sided blabbermouths. But I’ve slowly gotten better at filtering them out earlier on. It’s hard bc I’m naturally a listener and not a sharer or bold about making others listen. It’s also hard bc I had one of those one sided crazy moms lol
This hits so close to home. This is what my sister does to me! In fact, she did it today. This is not a friend. This is all the family I have left, and it's toxic.
That is good advice to not bring up big problems early/to build up to bigger problems with friends. It lets you know who is really listening or who would care about the big stuff. Plus, it gives you practice in casually conversing without the goal of guaranteed deep connection, and let’s you appreciate people as they are. Knowing they don’t need to know everything right now, and knowing that as you connect more on small things they will be able to support you better later is important. Plus, I wanted to be the kind of friend who people would feel supported by. I wanted deep emotional connections, and you’re not going to get that by snapping your fingers. It’s gotta build, and be constructed together.
They either like you or they don’t. They are giving and compassionate by nature, or they aren’t. Quit the game playing and be upfront. Why waste your time finegelling a friendship? That’s called manipulation.
@@ravenmeyer3740 Building connection for the purpose of mutual trust and support is not manipulation. Building connection through lying, or with the end goal of using the person for emotional labor is. If you plan to put in just as much emotional and relationship labor, it is fine and healthy to want a friend who would do the same for you. Plus, you have to get to know someone before you or they can determine if you are compatible, are fond of each other, and want the same things from a friendship. Even if you really get along with someone right when you meet them, it doesn’t mean they would know how to respond to big problems in your life or be ready to deal with those emotional demands right off the bat.
l just ended a friendship like this after she didnt take my childs needs into consideration, treating her like 'the help'. She always talked about her needs, and problems and l was always there for her. What you describe Anna is exactly the Ex friend l had. Now l feel relieved and free. My parents are so much like that. They would get annoyed and angry if we hurt ourselves as kids (siblings and me) or if we talked about anything psychological, she would retort, "Oh dont be so stupid" obviously because they had no idea about the human mind. Bullying and physical discipline was how my parents controlled us and still try to control us. Especially if you dont agree with their homophobic, racist and bigotted views. When l needed surgery and wanted my mum to be there for me and my kids during this time, l had to wait ten years for her to retire from work. Yep, l dont have a partner, friend, sibling or parent that wanted to help me.
I did the same as You did - ended an old friendship for the same reason for a couple of days ago which has been lasted 18 years. It was not a good friendship at all and she was only take, take,take and all was about her. I feel as You do for now, very free in my inner and I don't want her back as a friend.
@@CoMorbiditty My ex-friend call me yesterday. And I answered The Phone just to hear: The same thing = all about her and that she did not trust me, that I ... vas mean and wan't her ill etc. I was speachless. And this week even my ex has died. No mercy att all from her. I felt sorry (really!) for her. But in fact she show me even moore of her selfish thinking 🙄🤔 I will not call her anymoore. I don't want that "kind of friend".
I have had numerous friends like this. I’m adopted and do have abandonment issues. During 7 months of cancer treatment I rarely had any visits and support!
I'm sorry for your experience. Another cancer survivor here, I had the same experience. At least I know, who are my real friends and family. I hope you're OK. 🌹❤
Yes the “too much” thing is like being told we’re “too sensitive”….Don’t just automatically take it all on yourself…they could be more sensitive too!! Like Anna says here we have to be careful of the over share. We have to move slowly into intimacy in ALL relationships. Very slowly. We can hold a basic level of trust for most people, but we need to pay attention with discernment, not hyper vigilance, to their behavior. Then we can adjust our trust based on that. I had to learn that even people in “safe” healing groups might not be able to be closer as friends one on one. We have these deep wounds from being so profoundly rejected. We tend to forget that everyone else is not for us, so why would we be for everyone? It’s honestly rarely personal & we must be careful taking things personally.
I also have no friends for this reason I'm 54 cut all my selfish narcissistic so called friends,put up with it for years trying to help everyone no more 🤦🏻♀️🙏🏼💕
People can only meet us as far as they’ve met themselves & MOST people don’t go that deep. Me finally accepting this has helped me to manage expectations regarding most others showing up for me.
It took me 30 years to finally accept it's better to be alone than to be with others and be miserable. Also getting brain tumors at 26 and everyone I thought was a friend leaving really shows you what type of crap you're hanging out with.. not one person supported me through that. I'm just grateful I figured it out at 30 and not 60
this one really really resonates with me. i always say (and frankly genuinely believe) “i was put on this earth to love, but never be loved.” it’s so, SO lonely. it’s soul-crushing. because i put so much love into every single person i form the slightest connection with(not just romantic, but all), but i can’t think of a single time it’s been reciprocated.
Yeah I feel this.. I had a friend who told me they didn’t have friends and at the time I didn’t either so we started hanging out. She was so much fun at first and I was glad to meet her. But then I realized that she only wanted to tell me her problems but if I had one she wouldn’t even reply or would just give one sentence answers and go back to her thing.. She was fun to be around but the truth is that she was a user. I had to cut her off after awhile because I felt it wasn’t fair to me. I hate one sided relationships
I remember when I used to be that person. Always on rescue missions, but the momment I was struggling, I was too much. Now if someone is dying or whatever, I am like that’s not my business. Done with Non profit work 😂😂😂😂!
What we live with , we learn and what will learn we practice , somewhere along the way , we learned we are not important ,a lot of adult learning is unlearnimg these messages ...stand in our lights
I ended up with a partner who would always angrily lash out at me any time i would try to express any emotional vulnerability to him. And as a woman this is super important if we are to ever expose our bodies to a man. Our bodies would just close up to a man. Everything would just reject him if we could not have that emotional safe space.
The gay guy friend said he was going through very heavy stuff. He might be overwhelmed with his own problems. Him not responding may have nothing to do with her. If he doesn't have his own oxygen mask, he can't be there for her. It might be more her sensitivities from past events making her take this situation more personally. I find when I have moved to another state those relationships usually become more distant. That's pretty normal. Sounds like time to make more friends locally, or join a caretaker support group and be around others who are also struggling with a family health crisis. I did care taking for several years when I had a family member dying from cancer. I found most friends couldn't relate with what I was dealing with on a deep level. It hurt not having supportive friends. When I joined a caretaker support group it was a huge relief to be supported by others dealing with similar situations. I love what Fairy said about spending time with someone at least 6 times before revealing deeply personal struggles. I will take that advice myself! I needed to hear that, thanks 🙂
Geez! For the first time in my life, someone is explaining things that make sense. I am a new subscriber. I look forward to learning more. Thank you for what you are doing for us all.
Also we were taught to take care of our parents and make them happy so we identify love with taking care of others, rather than the dynamic of healthy adults who take care of themselves and mingle with other adults who are successfully taking care of their own basic needs. So yes, letting in friends who need lots of help from us (always borrowing money, needing to vent/trauma dump, car rides, etc) shows they are not healthy themselves and won’t be able to reciprocate when we have needs
I don't dare ask people for help. If I ask for anything at all I owe everything in return. It doesn't matter what I've done for anyone else, or how much I give, I will not have enough to pay for a favor or help. I'd rather never ask for help, or even something I am owed, than look this hurtful disparity in the face.
I’ve learned that I need to pick and choose where to give my 100% caring since I’ve learned that most don’t expect it, don’t care that much, and even in a work situation it often doesn’t matter. Not that I’m a slacker, but I choose the places I will give effort and never 100% until I get a feel for the others. There’s too many people who will accept and encourage all you have to give and they really don’t care. Sometimes I think those that try hard are looked at as weak and over-compensating. I find I need to balance the scales, even if unknown to the other person, so I don’t become resentful. I also don’t flaunt my efforts, but let them be known because I’ve had others try to steal credit. I no longer let them get away with it, nicely of course. I had to let some friends go.
The friends with whom i observe this are people who have openly acknowledged mental health issues. ( Otherwise I've been incredibly fortunate in my circle of friends. To a one, after decades, they continue to be kind, generous, loving, creative, supportive, intelligent and overall wonderful. I know we have reciprocal relationships because they call and ask for help too, which they appreciate and i am only too happy to give. Without problems on the horizon we all try to make time for each other as well, or just call and check in with one another. ) By comparing these experiences i see that when someone is mentally ill it won't be reciprocal and if i think the person is worth it, i manage my expectations of them, and don't invite them to things that have time tables or tickets or what have you. It's kind of like being friends with a person much younger than yourself. They can only bring so much to the table.
You know Anna; your program as it is "a comprehensive social remedy to different types of trauma affected people, especially females", that your program should be linked with a helping society who give care and financial support to such forsaken human beings. By hearing your past and seeing you now like a blossomed rose, I say: you are maybe a saint anna.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy You have science to correct people's agonies, and you are being moderate Anna. I even told my family to learn from your classes!
Was dumbfounded when a friend of over 20 years said 'I don't wanna' when I needed a monitor to be present while I had & recovered from a procedure involving general anesthesia.
This is probably off topic but this video reminds of me of the hurt I used to feel when I was a child and other parents not letting thier children be my friend. As an adult I now realise that they were protecting thier children because my family is awful. My mother's choice in pervy men didn't help either. It makes sense now but it still hurts. Makes me angry knowing there were adults that knew the problems I was having and told noone. Not even an anonymous report.
I am avid in my 12 step program but your videos have definitely helped me broaden my understanding about relationships! More importantly, they make me feel less crazy 😜 God bless
Love your site Anna - I’ve learnt so much by doing my inner work and realising that my energy isn’t for everyone I have no expectations of anyone, and I’m very discerning where I direct my energies and my connections are all Lessons or Blessings 🙏🏻✨
Finally, finally learning from past mistakes, I recognized the beginnings of a self-centered connection with someone I met recently and decided not to respond to their texts. Best to nip a problem in the bud even if you are vilified for so doing.
Glad I found you. This was great. Thank you. My son works in San Diego. He does what you do. He's a clinical counselor in a rehab and runs a sober living house. Moved from one house with q2 clients now is in a very big house with only 6 clients. He has come a long way. We have always been very close. Yes disfunction runs thru my family & his father who passed away from a drunk driving accident when he was only 55
This is the best channel on this stuff. I can’t really get therapy for many reasons. One being trust, every therapist I’ve been to tries to medicate me the first day. I’ve lived my life medication free and I don’t want to begin to depend on anti depressants now. I have a hard time trusting therapists that I find through my insurance. So this has been really helpful. I would like to see a therapist but I’m thinking of seeing someone from my church because they do not prescribe medication, but are absolutely amazing counselors. I’m in a few recovery groups that they lead. Anyway this has been just amazing for helping me realize what I do that is toxic because of what people have done to me in my past. I’m 7 months post toxic relationships and I’ve never made it past the 7 month mark. This time is different, I have no desire to be around them, and the very thought of them causes me intense stress and anxiety. Here’s to approaching 8 months of being free from people who think abuse is normal, the people who I felt my life was for. Thanks
This happens to me. I don’t get too mad. I shift gears and put them in casual friends category. I don’t want to talk to them that much or give that much. It’s more about gently putting boundaries up. Also I don’t have mind space to hold so much for others.
Such a good video! I can absolutely relate to this. I'm also walking this walk to real friendships and it's taking time, however, I have found new ways to filling in the gaps in my emotional development, that weren't realised by my mother. There are people out there willing to give support as long as I'm being my true self. They are actually happy to be around me. I must say I don't share the really important stuff with them, but that's not what I need. My need is for people with positive chilled vibes to be around. The important stuff I deal with myself (thanks to the world wide web that hosts an array of knowledgeble happy people willing to educate and share truly important topics), but my need is one of an emotional positivity and for me to be able to express myself in other ways than complaining or someone feeling sorry for me, which is the last thing I need or want. In order to accomplish the goals I set I need people with good vibes. So the aim is for them and I to be happy within the relationships we've created. And I do make conversations with strangers, mainly for work, because it's so interesting! I'm also getting good at sifting people out fairly soon if they're not good for me. Once we get to know each other we then decide whether we want to continue on the same path or we want to go our separate ways. And so far our honest decisions have been mutual. I never knew how good it would feel to let the wrong people go and to be accepted for who I am and welcome by the people who are right for me. It's amazing! 😊
I thought that I was the crazy one for not having friends in my mid 30s. I used to give my time & energy to these energy vampires. My kindness & empathy ruined me it got out of hand. I fixed it and resulted in cutting ppl out of my life. I chose myself & surround myself with my pets. I feel their endless love & trust. I keep Zero expectations so I don’t end up being disappointed in a friendship not happening. 😅 I’m really tired of trying.. so meh!
relating so hard to having a wound from the past so present in my mind i feel like current events are poking directly at it, despite the situation being completely separate and objectively being unrelated to whatever inner-dialogue i compulsively reinforce :/
If you are a guarded person because of past trauma or perhaps neurodivergence, you will struggle to genuinely connect with people. That connection is entirely non verbal. You can carry on a conservation, mask your problems/behaviors, and other coping strategies, but in the end, people can feel the connection. If you can truly connect, your "friends" will only see you as some type of convenience. For example, if you are a good listener, they will happily dump their problems on you, but will bail when you try to reciprocate. If you are a woman, men will use you but shy away from anything serious. And so on and so forth. It is very important to understand why you are not truly connecting with people in life.
Sometimes I want to ask people about the difficult things going on in their life but it’s not a good time to do it when they’re in a good mood bcuz you don’t wanna bring them down bcuz that’s just kinda cruel
I hate those moments where my words gets hanging in the air and I instantly regret having said something about my own life experienses. At the same time it's an aha- moment that tells me a lot about what kind of friendship I'm dealing with. Despite them calling me their best friend🤔 (when tipsy😅)
My aunty passed away and I asked my so called "best friend" I really wanted to catch up because I've been really sad and down and would really love to see her, but she has not been around ? I haven't seen her in a month since her passing Feel so disappointed if this was her she would be so mad...
I was always what I called a “Superfriend”-anything anyone needed I was there. It’s not like this anymore-but it took a long time to get out of that habit.
You have the capacity to pay attention to people who are self centered...and they love that!!! And you will crapfit to these kind of relationships. And they love that, bcz they can't get everyone to do that. They love to have people concentrated on their problems, And they are not interested to give them back. That's how they roll. Somebody who didn't have a trauma, Probably would sense the shallowness.
So good, as always! Just learnt giving empathy and support and expect the same as "trade" is wrong, one of my subconscious patterns that I sometimes have and won't do it anymore.
Every video I watch I feel like I am the one talking! It's just that I didn't have these exact words before that match my life story, and I don't talk much :) thanks for this video too, just like for other videos of yours.
“Crap-fitting”!! Love it! Perfect descriptor. Plus, ‘abandonment melange’, is that right? Love your channel. Thank you. So helpful. A servant. Lovely too. And I agree: Mutuality is the basis of love. A two-way exchange. But how can I better cope with abandonment issues in conscious divorce, any decoupling.
Thanks a lot for your video - at least - I´ve found out the hard way - which ppl. are toxic, nasty or just narc. freaks - for sure there might have been some good one´s too, but - once they come to close towards me - it triggers me and I´ve moved away to much - its anxiety and I do feel very insecure and ashamed too - still can´t handle that today - try to work on it - hope it will work out one day at least - I am very grateful for your support here on yt.
26:24 Would it be fair to say that if the other person you are trying to get to know, if they start out by talking about their crisis and problems (like, overwhelming and you can tell they have trauma) during the first few meet ups, that's a red flag?
I think it depends on the situation/ context and whether you expect to see one another again. For example, if it occurs in the bar or transit lounge at an international airport and you both flying off in different directions following the encounter, then probably not. But if it's say a neighbour or work colleague, boundaries and distance need to be enforced asap. They know where they can find you.
I had a cool thing happen to me. I was feeling super triggered and ready to flip out after something my husband’s narcissistic brother said. I quickly dug in my purse for a pen and paper and what do you know, my pen wouldn’t work! I scribbled and scratched to no avail…Then I closed my eyes and imagined I’m writing the specific words I’m thinking and would be writing if my pen worked. Then I imagined tearing the paper off the tablet and throwing it away. I asked to have these things removed and sat in the car, where it was quiet, til I was ready to resume a normal disposition. It worked…
I believe that's propaganda from the same nefarious actors who intentionally stir up division and straw-man hatred. Notice how no one considers *themselves* to lack empathy.
What about a friend dynamic in which they’re present while you’re going through a hard time but they pull away when things start to get better? Is it because they think I don’t need them anymore?
I can totally resonate with this! Good luck to the writer and her husband in a new city! 💗💗💗 I have watched the suggested vid as well. It all makes sense, ccf, and its so helpful to have a strong person/relationship/marriage where you can have the "buffer zone". I'd like to make a request: could you do a vid on how ladies make friends with other ladies lol? I still find it so hard and just the term "woman" brings up so many negative connotations for me, personally. Thanks again!
Thank you for sharing support with our letter write - and glad you're enjoying the channel. Great idea! I'll be sure to pass your video suggestion along to Anna for consideration. - Ashley, Team Fairy
Really interesting video and thanks so much for your recommendations! For me, this guy set off red flags, they spoke only a couple of times and he was already sharing a lot, it sounds like rushed intimacy, which is not actually intimacy. True intimacy takes months and years to build in my experience :).
Might the writer have RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria), which is often associated with ADHD? I ask this based on the intensity of her pain to his behavior (and possibly it could be part of being “too much”)? I ask this as someone with ADHD who is also a mental health professional. Please note this has nothing to do with the patterns involved with the emotionally unavailable people; this is just about the button they are pushing, which sounds so painful.
I need to write a letter 😢 to u Crappy Childhood Fairy lol I need ur input. I'm currently Nomadic due to ugly circumstances that happened in Feb 2023 so I'll get to it soon. IV sub to ur channel for a year and so appreciate your vids n point of view, we are VERY similar in perspective and personality and I too am considered "to truthful, too much, too intense"....yadda yadda yadda. Having served in customer service/Sales/ Marketing, Pharmacy ECT I'm well aware of mindfulness n being kind to peeps who "just don't get it" it seems I can never find any "Intelligent life forms" out there 😢 thx for all u do appreciate it so much!!!❤
I had a crap mom, and found friendships and a crap lover in a women’s community. I just repeated my mom-dynamic with another narcissist and also couldn’t leave her for over 10 years, until cancer was diagnosed.
Absolutely. Regardless of growing up in the same abusive environment,I'm estranged from 2 of my siblings, mostly because I feel they can't be understanding to my troubles.
So true. Its heartbreaking, especially when they try to turn the tables and make you out like you're a problem because you learn to recognize and distance yourself due to seeing the dynamic between you and them.
This happened to me with two “friends” I had known for 30 years. I was sort of the unofficial “social director” for the group. I hosted most of the get-togethers, catered to them, was always there for them. Then when I had chemo, they started treating me like a second class citizen even though I never asked them for anything during my treatment. Finally, I asked them why they were so condescending to me. They went into a rage and not only dumped and ostracized me, but went on a smear campaign and won over a few of our mutual friends. I realize now that this has always been a “crapfit” situation. Everything was great as long as they could use me. They couldn’t tolerate me needing help, even though all I asked for was emotional support.
Awful but not surprising. Its a narcissistic society we live in and people don’t want the ‘burden’ of dealing with other peoples problems they only want to offload there’s to feel relief and have no consideration of the person they’re placing in the role of emotional dumptruck
That’s why I stay away from groups and organizations. It’s called mob mentality. It will always be this way. Human nature is a very ugly thing. I live alone. I am not lonely. I do love reading the comments and replying to them. Many of them I have an opinion on. But it’s just my opinion. Sometimes I hope it helps because I’ve been in the same situation. As Beau would say, it’s just a thought.😊
I stupidly learnt this the hard way and I still fall for it My mother put me and my sister in danger with strange men. And she still to this day says shit like this "I don't know how he could of done that with you, he was boring and would only do missionary with me" We were talking about 2 very serious sexual assualts here. She was also sending me pictures of vegetables during this conversation. Don't expect them to be sane either.
I'm always the one who puts in 100% in friendships but only receive 20% back. I decided a few months back to just focus on myself, not force new friendships to develop and not to chase after one sided friendships. A true, healthy friendship requires 2 people to work at it, give and take.
Most people are confronted by other people's problems and emotions. I have friends I have known for 45 years, who completely deserted me when I was going through a divorce and the worst time of my life. Now that I am ok, they are back in my life again. I too have no family but I think people who do have family just think that you are taken care of, like they are.
I really agree with you. People who have family support don't understand so either you have to really spell it out or you gotta find people who understand
@@royalregal722 They are childhood friends, and they live a long way away with their own lives and families so I kind of give them a second chance. They definitely could have reached out though as they knew what I was going through. But as I say, pretty much no one was there for me - divorce and abuse is confronting for people. Especially divorce. People freak out and don't want anything to do with you as though it's catching, or you're going to steal their husband or god knows what.
I also think there's an epidemic of people who have absolutely lost the art of Conversation 101--especially in the listening, asking, and NOT talking over the one who is actually doing the talking. It's infuriating.
Very true! Last year I became friends with someone who's 25 years younger than me (I'm 56), who told me that women he tried to date *_"have no attention span."_* I thought that was pretty sad.
Ah, as someone who takes genuine interest in people ( listening , asking questions, remembering conversations) I’ve attracted the wrong people lol. And every guy thinks I’m flirting with them because ‘pretty girls don’t give attention to guys they don’t like’. I’ve been told this by several guys.
@@PENH5428 I am what most people would call "fairly unattractive" female (I can admit it) but I know how to have good conversations with men and women. My good friend who I have known for over 35 years actually accuses me of *flirting with guys* when I am simply having a non-flirty conversation. Long story short, not only guys think it's flirting behavior; some women who are insecure (like my friend) also think that just having a conversation is *_flirting"._* It's kinda sad actually.
I can relate to this so well. Usually, people that are going through hard times don't have a lot to give others, as they are only focused on their own needs. Then when they are doing well, they forget those that helped them in their time of need. Real friends are few and far between. I have learned to put people in the category that they belong in... telephone acquaintances (people that call me maybe 3 times a year with idle chatter), business associates (people I hire to do work around the house), neighbors. I do have a couple of neighbors that have helped me when I was sick/in need. I am not actively looking for close friends anymore, as I am retired, live alone, and just want to enjoy the peace and quiet. My life has had too much "people drama" and now I avoid it at all costs! God bless you, Ms. Anna! I just appreciate you sooooo much for all the great things you do.
“”Because you have a trauma imprint, You have the capacity to listen to people who are self centered and you’ll crapfit to that.” Oh my goodness..lightbulb moment. Ding, ding ding!!!
Every video I watch I feel like I am the one talking! It's just that I didn't have these exact words before that match my life story, and I don't talk much :) thanks for this video too, just like for other videos of yours.
I've never understood why it's considered ok to tell someone they are too much. I would never tell someone they are boring, underwhelming, or not enough.
A friend told me I needed to do work on myself. She was right and I did need to it was feedback. I didnt do the work until years later ... she's a real positive friendly realistic humorous woman, very wise.
People are entitled to their opinions, theres nothing wrong with personality mis-matches.
It's not okay. It's rude and unkind, and it places blame on the other person instead of acknowledging that your personalities just don't quite mesh or jive.
@@krisdiane when it's not ok for others to state their opinions, you are coming from victimhood. When you accept whatever others say and do without taking it personally, you come from a place of empowerment.
I agree. Unless the person is causing you harm with their behaviour, being too intrusive, overstepping boundaries etc. But even then, I agree there’s no excuse to tell someone they’re “too much” or “not enough” - a simple “I can’t deal with this right now” or “this is too heavy for me to deal with, I’m sorry I cannot help” would be better. We all have different boundaries and levels of awareness/empathy though I suppose
This is a big reason why I have no friends right now. I've gotten to the point of identifying the wrong people and setting boundaries or cutting them out, but I haven't gotten to the point where I let new better people in yet. I am so grateful for your videos.
🎯🎯🎯
Me too!!! ❤😊
I feel you, we're all learning. 💕 I noticed your last unicorn profile pic- I feel like fans of this movie tend to be a special sort of sensitive and perceptive. Fans of crappy childhood fairy as well! Fun crossover of universes.
same here
Same! Pushing away good people who get too close, or avoiding. It's actually a subconscious fear of not being good enough. Once you heal this faulty belief (try daily affirmations night & day), new relationships will feel more naturally enticing.
This has plagued me throughout my life. I am in my sixties now and have learned to count on and rely on myself because most friends and family members in my life only care about what they are going through and that’s it.
Yep. Your not alone
Yes, me too.
Yep
I’m nearly 30 and starting to only make friends with people I can see a give and take with who actively try to be good friends as I do
SAME!!! 💯
"They're not letting you down. They're showing you who they really are."
When I was growing up (1970s), neighbors did a lot of the things for each other that you describe here (giving a ride, watching each other's kids, sharing a meal). I remember my mother doing a lot to help two elderly sisters across the street from us. And our family was not at all religious, but I noticed that people who were had strong support networks through their churches. I wonder if part of the problem is that today we are all looking to our friends to take up the slack created by a total breakdown of any sense of community.
I think the micro connections within your community are absolutely important. I felt the loss of those connections during lockdown and really didn't realize how important they are until they were gone.
Those people were friends. I don't think it's unreasonable to want friendship from your friends.
A very valuable and accurate point of view.
THIS!! 😊
I think you've hit on one of the problems. I'm probably close to you in age and remember a similar world. 👍
I don't pick these people - they're everywhere. People who are not self absorbed are actually VERY rare
Very true!
Truth. Your comment needs more upvotes.
😂😂 like the boy of the Sixth sense. I see self absorbed people every where... Yes . I thought it was my fault
It does seem like it
I agree and just knowing how pervasive child abuse is by reading Anne Salter's book Predators: Pedophiles, Rapists, and other Sex Offenders... I have less excitement I'll find others of character much less a sex partner with good character. I'll be putting my energy toward skill building with others and just have sexual fun by myself. Lol... If someone comes along I will not have huge celebration but I'll be engaged in receiving and reciprocating. But, I will ever be watching for the monster. I have seen how long things remain hidden
If someone can’t even spare a second to listen to you or even ask how you are leave. Not worth your time. Their loss. Don’t let anyone make you believe your too much. You deserve love ❤️
"you have the capacity to pay attention to someone who is self-centered, and they love that." ..... never heard it put that way but dang... this was affirming for me.
This happened to me. Two surgeries nearly back to back, nearly died twice and no one really bothered with me other than my mother and a cousin. No one at all helped me with housework once I came home, brought meals by, just checked on me to see if I was okay, etc. Due to my surgery(which took place in my torso area) I could barely move. I am still grappling with realizing just how unimportant I became when I really needed help. This happened years ago but it's still kind of raw. How do you nearly die, TWICE, and no one looks up? Cut everyone off after that because if you didn't have these so-called friends (and yes, family too)when you really, really needed them then you don't need them now. In fact, I don't think I ever had them in the first place. This was a hard, but good lesson learned about who you let into your life. I am sorry this happened to you too.
Thank you for sharing this. That sounds incredibly difficult, I'm glad you're here. -Calista@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thanks. Believe me, lesson learned.
Most of my “friends” let me down when I needed them the most. I went through a divorce alone, and one of my “friends” of 20 years to whom I opened up (the first time ever talking about the heavy stuff) and she decided to tell me that our friendship was nothing to her and that she was just friends with me out of obligation.
Every time I open up I get abandoned or don’t receive the support I need. And it’s not because I vomit my emotions on them. I take my time and I’m very cautious before opening up.
Now I’m in a relationship with a man who seems to want to be there for me, but I can’t open up anymore. I fear that the moment I open up, he’ll abandon me.
Have you ever read the books by Brene Brown? I've only read one, but it got me thinking a bit differently about vulnerability, like, maybe it's better to let people see it earlier on and they can flee then if they're too immature to deal with it, much better than finding out 20 years later that they're actually a jerk. I had the same thing happen to me and it hurt deeply. Best wishes to you!
Not everyone will abandon you if you open up. I don’t do that people.
Good riddance to her. What an unhappy person to visit that upon you. Always remember, it wasn’t you. It wasn’t about you. It is about her. It’s her problem, not yours. I think this has happen to many of us.
@@TheLiquidCat Yes! That is the key.
Go and be open about your emotions and don’t shy away from your struggles. That way you will attract people who are comfortable with vulnerability
How is the relationship going so far?
So much of your subject matter resonates with me; thank you!
After 50+ years of knowing people who couldn't believe that not all mothers cherish their children, I felt that I'd never find others who'd experienced this neglect.
Your channel and subscribers are amazing; we all work toward healing. You provide an incredible insight and service so that we can work on taking care of ourselves.
It's horrifyingly destructive to a child to tell them (and show them)"your needs are unnecessary, demanding, ridiculous, selfish?" My needs/wants (mom & dad) are the only legitimate ones. "Your duty (as a 3 year old child) is to take care of me/us."
With your guidance, may we all develop into the fulfilled and confident adults we were meant to be.
I'm so happy to hear that. Thank you for taking the time to comment, I'm sure Anna will want to read this. -Calista@TeamFairy
An old ´friend´tried to rekindle our friendship of young adult years. I fitted the role she had for me then. Now, I have healed, at least partly. I expected her to have matured, too, but she is exactly the same. Now, that I see the narcissism, it seems unreal. She treated me as badly, as years ago. I called her on Xmas. Her adult child was visiting her with boyfriend. My ´friend´ did not even wish me merry xmas, just abruptly expressed her child was there, no time to talk. As if I was some intruding salesman. This seems not a big deal, but her other stuff is so much worse. The phone call was about as if I am not someone she can talk to when real people are with her. Even she must have known it was rude. She really had me boxed in as someone not worth while but good enough as an audience (which she needs where ever she goes). The times we met for a hobby, she talked 99,98 per cent of the time. I go no contact. I run into her at times, and she seems to have no idea what´s going on because I remain polite and reserved. I am not as bold that I could just walk pass her and say, I am in a hurry (going into the same building).
@@jane_7193 I am very glad for YOU that you are unable to heartlessly dismiss her (or those like her). Because you are whole💜🌻
@@helenaquin1797 thank you, Helena! ❤️
Such great advice!!: allow yourself about 6 times of hanging out w/someone new before talking heavy personal problems! Be measured in ur responses! We need to test the relationships and also NOT try to fix their problems. Last, you are right - not to get caught in tit-for-tat w/who 'owes' u emotional energy support time. Basically, we need to get to know someone...(PS-how true that we crap-fit bc we gained the capacity to listen to self-centered ppl, who love it!) Thank you Anna!
I’m totally a magnet for these one sided blabbermouths. But I’ve slowly gotten better at filtering them out earlier on. It’s hard bc I’m naturally a listener and not a sharer or bold about making others listen. It’s also hard bc I had one of those one sided crazy moms lol
Me too! It took a long time to practice but now I really pay attention who I am listening to
same here, it sucks man, but we are strong and we are learning, and you know what the process is beautiful
This hits so close to home. This is what my sister does to me! In fact, she did it today. This is not a friend. This is all the family I have left, and it's toxic.
That is good advice to not bring up big problems early/to build up to bigger problems with friends. It lets you know who is really listening or who would care about the big stuff. Plus, it gives you practice in casually conversing without the goal of guaranteed deep connection, and let’s you appreciate people as they are.
Knowing they don’t need to know everything right now, and knowing that as you connect more on small things they will be able to support you better later is important. Plus, I wanted to be the kind of friend who people would feel supported by.
I wanted deep emotional connections, and you’re not going to get that by snapping your fingers. It’s gotta build, and be constructed together.
Right on!
They either like you or they don’t. They are giving and compassionate by nature, or they aren’t. Quit the game playing and be upfront. Why waste your time finegelling a friendship? That’s called manipulation.
@@ravenmeyer3740 Building connection for the purpose of mutual trust and support is not manipulation. Building connection through lying, or with the end goal of using the person for emotional labor is.
If you plan to put in just as much emotional and relationship labor, it is fine and healthy to want a friend who would do the same for you.
Plus, you have to get to know someone before you or they can determine if you are compatible, are fond of each other, and want the same things from a friendship. Even if you really get along with someone right when you meet them, it doesn’t mean they would know how to respond to big problems in your life or be ready to deal with those emotional demands right off the bat.
l just ended a friendship like this after she didnt take my childs needs into consideration, treating her like 'the help'. She always talked about her needs, and problems and l was always there for her. What you describe Anna is exactly the Ex friend l had. Now l feel relieved and free. My parents are so much like that. They would get annoyed and angry if we hurt ourselves as kids (siblings and me) or if we talked about anything psychological, she would retort, "Oh dont be so stupid" obviously because they had no idea about the human mind. Bullying and physical discipline was how my parents controlled us and still try to control us. Especially if you dont agree with their homophobic, racist and bigotted views.
When l needed surgery and wanted my mum to be there for me and my kids during this time, l had to wait ten years for her to retire from work. Yep, l dont have a partner, friend, sibling or parent that wanted to help me.
I did the same as You did - ended an old friendship for the same reason for a couple of days ago which has been lasted 18 years. It was not a good friendship at all and she was only take, take,take and all was about her. I feel as You do for now, very free in my inner and I don't want her back as a friend.
@@detjaggillar8081 Yeah its odd isnt it?? l really dont feel a loss with her at all. Good for you, hope your future is brighter and better :)
@@CoMorbiditty My ex-friend call me yesterday. And I answered The Phone just to hear: The same thing = all about her and that she did not trust me, that I ... vas mean and wan't her ill etc.
I was speachless. And this week even my ex has died. No mercy att all from her. I felt sorry (really!) for her. But in fact she show me even moore of her selfish thinking 🙄🤔
I will not call her anymoore. I don't want that "kind of friend".
@@detjaggillar8081 Yes, no more. That is your boundary 👍👍
I have had numerous friends like this. I’m adopted and do have abandonment issues. During 7 months of cancer treatment I rarely had any visits and support!
I'm sorry for your experience. Another cancer survivor here, I had the same experience. At least I know, who are my real friends and family. I hope you're OK. 🌹❤
I'm so sorry to hear that, it is a hard thing to feel alienated. Glad you are here.
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy It's more than feeling alienated. Many, many of us ARE alienated.
Yes the “too much” thing is like being told we’re “too sensitive”….Don’t just automatically take it all on yourself…they could be more sensitive too!!
Like Anna says here we have to be careful of the over share. We have to move slowly into intimacy in ALL relationships. Very slowly.
We can hold a basic level of trust for most people, but we need to pay attention with discernment, not hyper vigilance, to their behavior. Then we can adjust our trust based on that.
I had to learn that even people in “safe” healing groups might not be able to be closer as friends one on one.
We have these deep wounds from being so profoundly rejected.
We tend to forget that everyone else is not for us, so why would we be for everyone?
It’s honestly rarely personal & we must be careful taking things personally.
I also have no friends for this reason I'm 54 cut all my selfish narcissistic so called friends,put up with it for years trying to help everyone no more 🤦🏻♀️🙏🏼💕
People can only meet us as far as they’ve met themselves & MOST people don’t go that deep.
Me finally accepting this has helped me to manage expectations regarding most others showing up for me.
We pick self centered people because we don’t have a self, and we admire that in them.
I’m a motherless daughter , the eldest , the only girl , and had two younger brothers the flying monkeys and I am the scapegoat and villain.
It took me 30 years to finally accept it's better to be alone than to be with others and be miserable. Also getting brain tumors at 26 and everyone I thought was a friend leaving really shows you what type of crap you're hanging out with.. not one person supported me through that. I'm just grateful I figured it out at 30 and not 60
this one really really resonates with me.
i always say (and frankly genuinely believe) “i was put on this earth to love, but never be loved.”
it’s so, SO lonely. it’s soul-crushing. because i put so much love into every single person i form the slightest connection with(not just romantic, but all), but i can’t think of a single time it’s been reciprocated.
Hang in there!
Nika@TeamFairy
I have to remember your words.."when you're on the right path"....because MANNNNNN this is hard.....and long.
It is hard. But there is always a right path. Jack@TeamFairy
Yeah I feel this.. I had a friend who told me they didn’t have friends and at the time I didn’t either so we started hanging out. She was so much fun at first and I was glad to meet her. But then I realized that she only wanted to tell me her problems but if I had one she wouldn’t even reply or would just give one sentence answers and go back to her thing.. She was fun to be around but the truth is that she was a user. I had to cut her off after awhile because I felt it wasn’t fair to me. I hate one sided relationships
Yup, you just described two dip schitts I _used to_ have in my life.
I remember when I used to be that person. Always on rescue missions, but the momment I was struggling, I was too much. Now if someone is dying or whatever, I am like that’s not my business. Done with Non profit work 😂😂😂😂!
_Well said!_
I can relate. No one in my life that would care for me through a surgery and healing. Will have to hire someone.
The late Mother Teresa (nun) said, "That we are never alone."
@@yourconnection9303 some of us are.
Crappy Childhood Fairy…you are a breath of fresh air and I watch and refer my own clients to you. Thank you for your authentic and genuineness.
I LOVE this line of teaching! Anna seems to have figured this out and is laying down a breadcrumb trail for us to follow.
Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Anna, thank you calling a spade a spade. It is so healing.
What we live with , we learn and what will learn we practice , somewhere along the way , we learned we are not important ,a lot of adult learning is unlearnimg these messages ...stand in our lights
I ended up with a partner who would always angrily lash out at me any time i would try to express any emotional vulnerability to him. And as a woman this is super important if we are to ever expose our bodies to a man. Our bodies would just close up to a man. Everything would just reject him if we could not have that emotional safe space.
sorry to hear that ....
The gay guy friend said he was going through very heavy stuff. He might be overwhelmed with his own problems. Him not responding may have nothing to do with her. If he doesn't have his own oxygen mask, he can't be there for her.
It might be more her sensitivities from past events making her take this situation more personally.
I find when I have moved to another state those relationships usually become more distant. That's pretty normal.
Sounds like time to make more friends locally, or join a caretaker support group and be around others who are also struggling with a family health crisis.
I did care taking for several years when I had a family member dying from cancer. I found most friends couldn't relate with what I was dealing with on a deep level. It hurt not having supportive friends. When I joined a caretaker support group it was a huge relief to be supported by others dealing with similar situations.
I love what Fairy said about spending time with someone at least 6 times before revealing deeply personal struggles. I will take that advice myself! I needed to hear that, thanks 🙂
Geez! For the first time in my life, someone is explaining things that make sense. I am a new subscriber. I look forward to learning more. Thank you for what you are doing for us all.
Welcome! We're so happy to have you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I’ve been generous with my loyalty and friendship, and I don’t really care for self absorbed people I quickly tell them about themselves
We are all here struggling with the same thing. I wish we could meet and be meaningful friends for one another ❤
Also we were taught to take care of our parents and make them happy so we identify love with taking care of others, rather than the dynamic of healthy adults who take care of themselves and mingle with other adults who are successfully taking care of their own basic needs. So yes, letting in friends who need lots of help from us (always borrowing money, needing to vent/trauma dump, car rides, etc) shows they are not healthy themselves and won’t be able to reciprocate when we have needs
I don't dare ask people for help. If I ask for anything at all I owe everything in return. It doesn't matter what I've done for anyone else, or how much I give, I will not have enough to pay for a favor or help. I'd rather never ask for help, or even something I am owed, than look this hurtful disparity in the face.
I’ve learned that I need to pick and choose where to give my 100% caring since I’ve learned that most don’t expect it, don’t care that much, and even in a work situation it often doesn’t matter. Not that I’m a slacker, but I choose the places I will give effort and never 100% until I get a feel for the others. There’s too many people who will accept and encourage all you have to give and they really don’t care. Sometimes I think those that try hard are looked at as weak and over-compensating. I find I need to balance the scales, even if unknown to the other person, so I don’t become resentful. I also don’t flaunt my efforts, but let them be known because I’ve had others try to steal credit. I no longer let them get away with it, nicely of course. I had to let some friends go.
Setting boundaries is important in a healing process.
Nika@TeamFairy
The friends with whom i observe this are people who have openly acknowledged mental health issues.
( Otherwise I've been incredibly fortunate in my circle of friends. To a one, after decades, they continue to be kind, generous, loving, creative, supportive, intelligent and overall wonderful. I know we have reciprocal relationships because they call and ask for help too, which they appreciate and i am only too happy to give. Without problems on the horizon we all try to make time for each other as well, or just call and check in with one another. )
By comparing these experiences i see that when someone is mentally ill it won't be reciprocal and if i think the person is worth it, i manage my expectations of them, and don't invite them to things that have time tables or tickets or what have you. It's kind of like being friends with a person much younger than yourself. They can only bring so much to the table.
You know Anna; your program as it is "a comprehensive social remedy to different types of trauma affected people, especially females", that your program should be linked with a helping society who give care and financial support to such forsaken human beings. By hearing your past and seeing you now like a blossomed rose, I say: you are maybe a saint anna.
You are kind. I wish I were a saint, but no such luck!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy You have science to correct people's agonies, and you are being moderate Anna. I even told my family to learn from your classes!
Was dumbfounded when a friend of over 20 years said 'I don't wanna' when I needed a monitor to be present while I had & recovered from a procedure involving general anesthesia.
This is probably off topic but this video reminds of me of the hurt I used to feel when I was a child and other parents not letting thier children be my friend.
As an adult I now realise that they were protecting thier children because my family is awful. My mother's choice in pervy men didn't help either.
It makes sense now but it still hurts.
Makes me angry knowing there were adults that knew the problems I was having and told noone. Not even an anonymous report.
I'm so sorry. I get it. That's awful. Now you get to be you, not defined by THEM!
I am avid in my 12 step program but your videos have definitely helped me broaden my understanding about relationships! More importantly, they make me feel less crazy 😜 God bless
Love your site Anna - I’ve learnt so much by doing my inner work and realising that my energy isn’t for everyone I have no expectations of anyone, and I’m very discerning where I direct my energies and my connections are all Lessons or Blessings 🙏🏻✨
Finally, finally learning from past mistakes, I recognized the beginnings of a self-centered connection with someone I met recently and decided not to respond to their texts. Best to nip a problem in the bud even if you are vilified for so doing.
Glad I found you. This was great. Thank you. My son works in San Diego. He does what you do. He's a clinical counselor in a rehab and runs a sober living house. Moved from one house with q2 clients now is in a very big house with only 6 clients. He has come a long way. We have always been very close. Yes disfunction runs thru my family & his father who passed away from a drunk driving accident when he was only 55
This is the best channel on this stuff. I can’t really get therapy for many reasons. One being trust, every therapist I’ve been to tries to medicate me the first day. I’ve lived my life medication free and I don’t want to begin to depend on anti depressants now. I have a hard time trusting therapists that I find through my insurance.
So this has been really helpful. I would like to see a therapist but I’m thinking of seeing someone from my church because they do not prescribe medication, but are absolutely amazing counselors. I’m in a few recovery groups that they lead.
Anyway this has been just amazing for helping me realize what I do that is toxic because of what people have done to me in my past.
I’m 7 months post toxic relationships and I’ve never made it past the 7 month mark.
This time is different, I have no desire to be around them, and the very thought of them causes me intense stress and anxiety.
Here’s to approaching 8 months of being free from people who think abuse is normal, the people who I felt my life was for.
Thanks
This happens to me. I don’t get too mad. I shift gears and put them in casual friends category. I don’t want to talk to them that much or give that much. It’s more about gently putting boundaries up. Also I don’t have mind space to hold so much for others.
Such a good video! I can absolutely relate to this. I'm also walking this walk to real friendships and it's taking time, however, I have found new ways to filling in the gaps in my emotional development, that weren't realised by my mother. There are people out there willing to give support as long as I'm being my true self. They are actually happy to be around me. I must say I don't share the really important stuff with them, but that's not what I need. My need is for people with positive chilled vibes to be around. The important stuff I deal with myself (thanks to the world wide web that hosts an array of knowledgeble happy people willing to educate and share truly important topics), but my need is one of an emotional positivity and for me to be able to express myself in other ways than complaining or someone feeling sorry for me, which is the last thing I need or want. In order to accomplish the goals I set I need people with good vibes. So the aim is for them and I to be happy within the relationships we've created. And I do make conversations with strangers, mainly for work, because it's so interesting! I'm also getting good at sifting people out fairly soon if they're not good for me. Once we get to know each other we then decide whether we want to continue on the same path or we want to go our separate ways. And so far our honest decisions have been mutual. I never knew how good it would feel to let the wrong people go and to be accepted for who I am and welcome by the people who are right for me. It's amazing! 😊
I know how difficult it can be to build fulfilling friendships - but sounds like you've done an incredible job. So happy for you! - Ashley, Team Fairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you for all you do for us Team Fairy! 💕
I thought that I was the crazy one for not having friends in my mid 30s. I used to give my time & energy to these energy vampires.
My kindness & empathy ruined me it got out of hand. I fixed it and resulted in cutting ppl out of my life.
I chose myself & surround myself with my pets. I feel their endless love & trust. I keep Zero expectations so I don’t end up being disappointed in a friendship not happening.
😅 I’m really tired of trying.. so meh!
relating so hard to having a wound from the past so present in my mind i feel like current events are poking directly at it, despite the situation being completely separate and objectively being unrelated to whatever inner-dialogue i compulsively reinforce :/
If you are a guarded person because of past trauma or perhaps neurodivergence, you will struggle to genuinely connect with people. That connection is entirely non verbal. You can carry on a conservation, mask your problems/behaviors, and other coping strategies, but in the end, people can feel the connection. If you can truly connect, your "friends" will only see you as some type of convenience. For example, if you are a good listener, they will happily dump their problems on you, but will bail when you try to reciprocate. If you are a woman, men will use you but shy away from anything serious. And so on and so forth. It is very important to understand why you are not truly connecting with people in life.
and the people that didnt show up are no longer my friends. period
Sometimes I want to ask people about the difficult things going on in their life but it’s not a good time to do it when they’re in a good mood bcuz you don’t wanna bring them down bcuz that’s just kinda cruel
Good stuff Anna, i am listening.. thx. Matt
3:39, oh, what a surprise.
I hate those moments where my words gets hanging in the air and I instantly regret having said something about my own life experienses. At the same time it's an aha- moment that tells me a lot about what kind of friendship I'm dealing with. Despite them calling me their best friend🤔 (when tipsy😅)
Thank you so much for your videos! 🙏
You are so welcome :) -Calista@TeamFairy
My aunty passed away and I asked my so called "best friend" I really wanted to catch up because I've been really sad and down and would really love to see her, but she has not been around ? I haven't seen her in a month since her passing
Feel so disappointed if this was her she would be so mad...
Awesome video! I can SO relate to this! Thank you! ❤ …You are the BEST! ….FAR more insightful than any therapist I have ever been to!
Hello Anna , thanks for this. Came right on time
I'm so glad! -Calista@TeamFairy
I really have wonderful friends!
Good for you.
Thanks for making this video.
I was always what I called a “Superfriend”-anything anyone needed I was there. It’s not like this anymore-but it took a long time to get out of that habit.
Thank you for sharing! Julie@TeamFairy
You have the capacity to pay attention to people who are self centered...and they love that!!!
And you will crapfit to these kind of relationships.
And they love that, bcz they can't get everyone to do that.
They love to have people concentrated on their problems,
And they are not interested to give them back. That's how they roll.
Somebody who didn't have a trauma,
Probably would sense the shallowness.
So good, as always! Just learnt giving empathy and support and expect the same as "trade" is wrong, one of my subconscious patterns that I sometimes have and won't do it anymore.
Thanks for sharing! Julie@UA-cam
Every video I watch I feel like I am the one talking! It's just that I didn't have these exact words before that match my life story, and I don't talk much :) thanks for this video too, just like for other videos of yours.
Thank you for being a part of our community! Hope you will find help here!
Nika@TeamFairy
“Crap-fitting”!! Love it! Perfect descriptor. Plus, ‘abandonment melange’, is that right? Love your channel. Thank you. So helpful. A servant. Lovely too. And I agree: Mutuality is the basis of love. A two-way exchange. But how can I better cope with abandonment issues in conscious divorce, any decoupling.
Don’t have any friends. People suck. Just know that you yourself are cool.
Thanks a lot for your video - at least - I´ve found out the hard way - which ppl. are toxic, nasty or just narc. freaks - for sure there might have been some good one´s too, but - once they come to close towards me - it triggers me and I´ve moved away to much - its anxiety and I do feel very insecure and ashamed too - still can´t handle that today - try to work on it - hope it will work out one day at least - I am very grateful for your support here on yt.
Soooo validating!!! Thank you so much, both of you ❤
We're not too much other people are not enough.
26:24 Would it be fair to say that if the other person you are trying to get to know, if they start out by talking about their crisis and problems (like, overwhelming and you can tell they have trauma) during the first few meet ups, that's a red flag?
I think it depends on the situation/ context and whether you expect to see one another again. For example, if it occurs in the bar or transit lounge at an international airport and you both flying off in different directions following the encounter, then probably not. But if it's say a neighbour or work colleague, boundaries and distance need to be enforced asap. They know where they can find you.
I had a cool thing happen to me. I was feeling super triggered and ready to flip out after something my husband’s narcissistic brother said. I quickly dug in my purse for a pen and paper and what do you know, my pen wouldn’t work! I scribbled and scratched to no avail…Then I closed my eyes and imagined I’m writing the specific words I’m thinking and would be writing if my pen worked. Then I imagined tearing the paper off the tablet and throwing it away. I asked to have these things removed and sat in the car, where it was quiet, til I was ready to resume a normal disposition. It worked…
I love this!
Lack of empathy is a growing issue in America. There are studies on it now.
I believe that's propaganda from the same nefarious actors who intentionally stir up division and straw-man hatred. Notice how no one considers *themselves* to lack empathy.
What about a friend dynamic in which they’re present while you’re going through a hard time but they pull away when things start to get better? Is it because they think I don’t need them anymore?
Had a friend do this to me so where he is concerned I can be selfish too
I can totally resonate with this! Good luck to the writer and her husband in a new city! 💗💗💗
I have watched the suggested vid as well. It all makes sense, ccf, and its so helpful to have a strong person/relationship/marriage where you can have the "buffer zone". I'd like to make a request: could you do a vid on how ladies make friends with other ladies lol? I still find it so hard and just the term "woman" brings up so many negative connotations for me, personally. Thanks again!
Thank you for sharing support with our letter write - and glad you're enjoying the channel. Great idea! I'll be sure to pass your video suggestion along to Anna for consideration. - Ashley, Team Fairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy awesome ty!
@@rachaelmacnair7133 Why does the word 'woman' bother you??
I love that saying, "going to the hardware store for milk". I will keep that in mind I've had that tendency.
You are a beautiful person💕
Exactly
You’re going to the hardware store for milk ….. 💡🔔 🧐
Really interesting video and thanks so much for your recommendations! For me, this guy set off red flags, they spoke only a couple of times and he was already sharing a lot, it sounds like rushed intimacy, which is not actually intimacy. True intimacy takes months and years to build in my experience :).
Might the writer have RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria), which is often associated with ADHD? I ask this based on the intensity of her pain to his behavior (and possibly it could be part of being “too much”)? I ask this as someone with ADHD who is also a mental health professional. Please note this has nothing to do with the patterns involved with the emotionally unavailable people; this is just about the button they are pushing, which sounds so painful.
The "too much" comment has plagued me for decades
So familiar
Oh yea
I need to write a letter 😢 to u Crappy Childhood Fairy lol I need ur input. I'm currently Nomadic due to ugly circumstances that happened in Feb 2023 so I'll get to it soon. IV sub to ur channel for a year and so appreciate your vids n point of view, we are VERY similar in perspective and personality and I too am considered "to truthful, too much, too intense"....yadda yadda yadda. Having served in customer service/Sales/ Marketing, Pharmacy ECT I'm well aware of mindfulness n being kind to peeps who "just don't get it" it seems I can never find any "Intelligent life forms" out there 😢 thx for all u do appreciate it so much!!!❤
Thanks for watching! If you'd like to send a letter to Anna, feel free to click this link: bit.ly/CCF_Letters
Nika@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thx so much will do! ❤️
I had a crap mom, and found friendships and a crap lover in a women’s community. I just repeated my mom-dynamic with another narcissist and also couldn’t leave her for over 10 years, until cancer was diagnosed.
Same experience minus the cancer , I’m sorry about the cancer diagnosis and hope everything is going well for you now
It's not just friends. There are relatives-aunts, cousins-who always make demands and expect to be helped but never return the favor.
Absolutely. Regardless of growing up in the same abusive environment,I'm estranged from 2 of my siblings, mostly because I feel they can't be understanding to my troubles.
So true. Its heartbreaking, especially when they try to turn the tables and make you out like you're a problem because you learn to recognize and distance yourself due to seeing the dynamic between you and them.
This happened to me with two “friends” I had known for 30 years. I was sort of the unofficial “social director” for the group. I hosted most of the get-togethers, catered to them, was always there for them. Then when I had chemo, they started treating me like a second class citizen even though I never asked them for anything during my treatment. Finally, I asked them why they were so condescending to me. They went into a rage and not only dumped and ostracized me, but went on a smear campaign and won over a few of our mutual friends. I realize now that this has always been a “crapfit” situation. Everything was great as long as they could use me. They couldn’t tolerate me needing help, even though all I asked for was emotional support.
God awful!
Awful but not surprising. Its a narcissistic society we live in and people don’t want the ‘burden’ of dealing with other peoples problems they only want to offload there’s to feel relief and have no consideration of the person they’re placing in the role of emotional dumptruck
I'm so sorry that happened to you. That really wasn't fair
That’s why I stay away from groups and organizations. It’s called mob mentality. It will always be this way. Human nature is a very ugly thing. I live alone. I am not lonely. I do love reading the comments and replying to them. Many of them I have an opinion on. But it’s just my opinion. Sometimes I hope it helps because I’ve been in the same situation. As Beau would say, it’s just a thought.😊
People are truly disgusting!! 🥺
Don’t expect the one that hurt you to be empathetic with your pain.
Well said
Bingo. 👍🏼
Exactly. You don’t seek healing where you got hurt!
I stupidly learnt this the hard way and I still fall for it
My mother put me and my sister in danger with strange men. And she still to this day says shit like this
"I don't know how he could of done that with you, he was boring and would only do missionary with me"
We were talking about 2 very serious sexual assualts here.
She was also sending me pictures of vegetables during this conversation.
Don't expect them to be sane either.
@Unit in Harmony oh sorry. You couldnt. That was my mistake...😅
I'm always the one who puts in 100% in friendships but only receive 20% back. I decided a few months back to just focus on myself, not force new friendships to develop and not to chase after one sided friendships. A true, healthy friendship requires 2 people to work at it, give and take.
Same !
Most people are confronted by other people's problems and emotions. I have friends I have known for 45 years, who completely deserted me when I was going through a divorce and the worst time of my life. Now that I am ok, they are back in my life again. I too have no family but I think people who do have family just think that you are taken care of, like they are.
thanks for sharing. i relate
I really agree with you. People who have family support don't understand so either you have to really spell it out or you gotta find people who understand
You let those people back into your life? Wow!
I wouldn't be able to accept them back in my life again. Probably because I'm fed up with those kind-of people.
@@royalregal722 They are childhood friends, and they live a long way away with their own lives and families so I kind of give them a second chance. They definitely could have reached out though as they knew what I was going through. But as I say, pretty much no one was there for me - divorce and abuse is confronting for people. Especially divorce. People freak out and don't want anything to do with you as though it's catching, or you're going to steal their husband or god knows what.
My “friend” stopped answering my calls when I was at my LOWEST point in my life! A year later she comes saying she needs her friends. Uh yeah right!
I also think there's an epidemic of people who have absolutely lost the art of Conversation 101--especially in the listening, asking, and NOT talking over the one who is actually doing the talking. It's infuriating.
Very true! Last year I became friends with someone who's 25 years younger than me (I'm 56), who told me that women he tried to date *_"have no attention span."_* I thought that was pretty sad.
this ^ communication skills apparently aren't important if u don't care about other people
Ah, as someone who takes genuine interest in people ( listening , asking questions, remembering conversations) I’ve attracted the wrong people lol. And every guy thinks I’m flirting with them because ‘pretty girls don’t give attention to guys they don’t like’. I’ve been told this by several guys.
@@PENH5428 I am what most people would call "fairly unattractive" female (I can admit it) but I know how to have good conversations with men and women. My good friend who I have known for over 35 years actually accuses me of *flirting with guys* when I am simply having a non-flirty conversation. Long story short, not only guys think it's flirting behavior; some women who are insecure (like my friend) also think that just having a conversation is *_flirting"._* It's kinda sad actually.
Honestly! It’s crazy how many people are self absorbed
I can relate to this so well. Usually, people that are going through hard times don't have a lot to give others, as they are only focused on their own needs. Then when they are doing well, they forget those that helped them in their time of need. Real friends are few and far between. I have learned to put people in the category that they belong in... telephone acquaintances (people that call me maybe 3 times a year with idle chatter), business associates (people I hire to do work around the house), neighbors. I do have a couple of neighbors that have helped me when I was sick/in need. I am not actively looking for close friends anymore, as I am retired, live alone, and just want to enjoy the peace and quiet. My life has had too much "people drama" and now I avoid it at all costs!
God bless you, Ms. Anna! I just appreciate you sooooo much for all the great things you do.
you sound like me.
SO TRUE
“”Because you have a trauma imprint, You have the capacity to listen to people who are self centered and you’ll crapfit to that.”
Oh my goodness..lightbulb moment. Ding, ding ding!!!
Every video I watch I feel like I am the one talking! It's just that I didn't have these exact words before that match my life story, and I don't talk much :) thanks for this video too, just like for other videos of yours.