STAYING WITH THE NARCISSIST OUT OF GUILT
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- Опубліковано 17 лют 2024
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Here is contact information for when immediate help with abuse or self harm is needed. It is recommended that you use a computer or phone that your abuser cannot monitor:
Emergency: 911
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1- 800-799-7233
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
National Hopeline Network: 1-800-SUICIDE (800-784-2433)
Crisis Text Line: Text "DESERVE" TO 741-741
Lifeline Crisis Chat (Online live messaging): suicidepreventionlifeline.org...
Self-Harm Hotline: 1-800-DONT CUT (1-800-366-8288)
www.ywca.org/what-we-do/domes...
YWCA - 202-467-0801
Canadian Assaulted Women's Helpline: 1-866-863-0511
UK National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 0808 2000 247
South Africa POWA: 011 642 434/6
Australia: 1-800-RESPECT
You described me to a tee...life with a covert narcissist.....I stayed in a long term marriage that was so detrimental for me because of guilt, not wanting to break up the family. You don't realize that you are manipulated to be the "bad guy" in the relationship, always provoked to be angry , but then to leave - just confirms the devaluation and mind job that has been done on you. Then -you really are the bad person. You feel you have to be grateful just for what should be normal caring.... You don't see it but your own disfunction it is coming out in all sorts of ways. Well, After leaving, I do have regrets over all the lost years. I was free to finally see that under all my enabling, I was not this bad person, but a really nice person who just had to learn not to feel guilty about not putting up with hurt and constant disappointment without anger and just move on and let people out of my life. You have a great channel and analyze everything so well.
I relate so much to this.
A mind-FU++ is right.
What I knew my ex was telling other people, kept me wanting to make it better, to give him something better to say....until I realized, that would never happen. No matter how much i sacrificed....no matter how i jumped for him....did anything for him....He still would always spin any narrative to make it like I was never there for him....i of course tried to talk to him, write to him...after a while yell it to him about how this (among many other things) made me feel to no avail....so i decided i rather leave him instead of making him depressed like he kept telling his female friends he was....and of course....he said I abandoned him....i felt i did him and myself a favor....and thats where i will continue to stand on it....
You are describing everything I’m going through… I’ve spent the last two months trying to talk about how I feel, but have been met with aggression, being told I’m wrong, I’m to blame for everything that’s happened, insults and undermining/ making joke about my feelings. When I gave up trying and then asked him to leave then it’s my fault he has to find a place. I’ve never been in such a head fuck of a situation. I’m just waiting for him to find a place because I can’t handle this anxiety and stress anymore. Thank you, so much for your wise words, I felt like I was going crazy but I see it’s real and people can relate.
Thank you! You pointed to the big issues I've had coming from a narc upbringing and having had narc partners:
1-My needing the other person to acknowledge their actions
2-My needing the other person to acknowledge and understand my feelings
3-My allowing the other person to determine if I am, or my choices are, acceptable
As you said, they point out that I'm wrong for feeling how I do and for interpreting their actions like I do; therefore, I can't hold them accountable or impose consequences. You've explained this dilemma so well.
I have put so much energy into trying to explain myself to these people, as well as trying to get them to understand their own actions and why I'm hurt by them. But they never get it, and just keep pointing to it being my problem. Then I get so frustrated and upset--which just distracts from what they are doing. Decades later, I see that their not understanding is a trap and is gaslighting and stonewalling.
It takes a lot of work to not need them to understand or to acknowledge or admit to anything. But knowing it's a trap, it's a lot easier. There's no closure with these people. Walking away has always been the best choice for me to make, and then to believe myself and my experience--even if no one else will.
Thank you again. You helped me get to the bottom of my feeling ill-at-ease and guilt about these relationships ending without any sort of mutual understanding, and my guilt about my reactions in the relationships which have always made me the "bad guy" and scapegoat.
She’s soo “covert” that no one believes me but my friend saw how she walked past me with her nose in the air (grandiosity) while saying warmly hello to him. I could see in his eyes he fell in and said amazed “why does she treat you like that?”.
Later on he congratulated me on not reacting to her provocation but he was shocked as she’d been using him as a mouthpiece to me saying how she just wanted a man to woo (grovel to) her. He saw us before when we were together and thought he was doing right by trying to get us back together not fully understanding her hidden character, instability, immaturity and pathology.
Every word you say resonates completely with me. Your channel is superb. I am so happy I found it. Thank you so so much
Thankyou! I was feeling like i didn't have good reason to stop speaking to my sister, but you have given me my reasons, i didn't speak for 6 months, now the constantly pulling me down, has started again, its subtle, i had to give away my beautiful ragdollcat and i am devastated, she kept saying no one wants older cat, only 2, and a expensive breed, everyt hing i say is turned into a negative, and since i lost my cat she has stopped ringing me, just when i need support which she wouldn't give anyway, i am cutting her off again, i feel so fragile and grief stricken and i 've had enuf of these games and i have other sister to put up with too, trying to pull me down, both of them playing same nasty hateful games, they both need to go, these two are poison, its affecting my well-being etc etc. Thanks again!❤❤❤
Thank you.
Well if it's leaving home it can be difficult, it's your mother and you're not used to standing up to her. Anyone else it's okay you don't owe them anything.
the one I was entangled with threatened suicide. that combined with ALL the BS she was telling ITS family / 'friends' I stayed in for awhile. I finally bit the bullet and severed it. got hoovered 5 times in 2020 but made my break stick./'good vid.