HOW IT FEELS TO BE "LOVED" BY A NARCISSIST
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- Опубліковано 4 тра 2024
- #narcissisticrelationship #narcissismawareness What does it feel like to be in a narcissistic relationship compared to a healthy relationship? Understanding the difference can help bring awareness to the situation we are currently in.
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It’s a lifelong babysitting gig.
"In a narcissistic relationship you are not building anything." So true!
Anxiety! I've stayed past that point to a point of rewiring. I did ketsnine treatments a year ago, expensive but so many ways to work with vibrations and sounds to readjust. 3-4 weeks for treatment twice a weeks the tweeks to wean off boosters were offered but I wanted to see how long one full round of treatment would last. I'd guess 6 months, but that was not with a booster. Binaural beats recommended, it was played for me once, never able to find them, Dr was on vaca. It was only after it set off my PTSD, not knowing the way the BB work through/with neurology. I'll hopefully be going back in a couple months when I get a little bit of money again. (House sale).
@@Indy__isnt_it Do you mean ketamine?
The hate isn't an act. The love is an act. Thank you for all your kind help.
Took me forever to learn that.
I felt trapped, hopeless, voiceless, confused, self-blame and death. It was the cruelest thing ever happened because it's an illusion that I believed in, a dream once so beautiful but ended up in nightmare.
Agree, once you watch 1,000s videos on narcissism, like me, you finally believe these people are VERY real and you are not crazy or broken. They are. They have disordered thinking and cannot relate to the rest of us in a constructive way. I can empathize where you are. The relationship really changed me. I wish you all the best. You deserve more! 🙂
0:34 They don't love you, they love the idea of you, that they feel entitled to control, manipulate, and bend to their reality, which only ever denies YOURS.
Yes, they need to incorporate you into their reality. You are an actor in their movie. You will be replaced when you don’t get your part perfect, even though you don’t know you are being viewed in this way. Sound confusing yet… this is known as the “shared fantasy”. It is part of the “covert contract” you didn’t agree to.
@@Clevelandsteamer324 Throughout the relationship, and once the shared fantasy had shattered in our first disagreement, (unbeknownst to me) I felt like he was always interviewing other women for my position. He denied this, and would offer me things he knew meant something to me, and this confused me, and kept me stuck for many years. As a therapist, he was quick to point out that myinsecurities were the problem, and I questioned myself often. In reality, he was lying, cheating by having emotional affairs with coworkers, and later, patients. I also learned that he had a long history of doing this to every partner he had, and every relationship had involved overlaps with "someone better" and a sudden, cold discard. They "try out" the new supply behind your back, and if it seems to hold promise, they leave you abruptly. If he decided that person was not quite good enough, he would continue on in the current relationship, but his search continued.
Not trying to be superlative, but imo your channel is beyond many professionals in the field in understanding and explaining.
Exactly- I am having a midnight/ no sleep hot flash… watching my millionth video- to stop ruminating about the relationship…. And this video started out slow (for my ADHD mind) but just - WOW- simplified the entire 3 year mess I just got out of. He was a covert- so subtle… and I was dragging and begging him to just be nice. Over explaining- to exhaustion!! I would add- that everyone on the outside doesn’t see or feel it- so when it ends- it’s really confusing- everyone is wondering why you would leave such a nice person…. 🤢 but - THIS VIDEO didn’t psychologically explain- it was so clear in to us victims !!
Agree!
I agree❤
He could never say “i love you”and at 25 yrs of marriage told me that to say that during sex was trite. He thought the word intimacy means only sex, and that sex is love and the trauma bond was through sex.
Opposite issue. She didn’t think I ever needed to have it and when I brought it up, “all you ever think about is sex” really what she did was had sex all the time before marriage and then very little after. It was all a game. 🫡🇺🇸🦅
Narcissistic relationships are just about the narcissist wants and needs being served, a real relationship is about love and equality 100 %❤ I love and enjoy your furry Friends 😺
Before I watch: There is nothing more lonely and imprisoning than being [legally] shackled to someone that thinks their presence is a present and refuses to let you leave said sh!tuation because they truly believe in they’re doing an excellent job as a partner.
To be "loved" by a narcissist must feel pretty weird - because those creatures are not able to love other people - they do only feed their very own needs and ego.
They love what you reflect back to them! When you look into a mirror, do you see the mirror ? No , you see what is reflected back. If it stops reflecting back what you want to see, then it’s time to get a new one.
I thought I loved him and he loved me. We'd known each other for 45 years and 35 years married. About 20 years ago, I was preparing our Christmas letter and realized I was putting in the same stale stories from years past. There didn't seem to be anything new I could add because there was no growth in our relationship. He lost his job after that and made some effort to get a new one but didn't. Pleadings from me were ignored. This was our family's basic need for him to contribute financially. He became a hermit with secret internet friends, some romantic. He was distant and moody and I became the third corner of the triangle where these women knew of me, but I had no idea what was going on behind my back. We've been divorced now for four years and I realize that I need to accept that he never loved me or cared for me in ways I needed to feel safe. Thank you for the video.
😂😢 IT'S FREAKING LONELY 🥺
They give new meaning to ball & chain.
"It takes a long time to destroy something it took a long time to build."
This resonated so much with me, and it's part of the reason we remain stuck for way longer than we should. Great video!
This, right here, struck a chord with me as well. Narcissistic people tend to dive head first into relationships and intimacy, long before they have given the relationship any time to really develop and both people really get to know each other. It is easy to fall prey to this when they are mirroring you and offering you such adoration. Over time, the reality becomes obvious- that they can easily replace you at any moment, because the solid foundation you thought you were building with them is not based on solid attachment, knowledge of who you really are, and an internalization of you as a separate human being. Glimpses of this are disorienting, and we remain confused and anxious about their sudden withdrawal and bad behavior because by then, we have become attached and under the misguided belief that our love is reciprocal.
Being "loved" by a narcissist... hurts. It's painful. And confusing.
My ah-ha moment was when I realized, that after 2 years together, we did not grow any closer. Our closeness peaked around month 2 and plateaued. She didnt want to spend increasing amounts of time together. She would say she missed me, that her job or mine kept us apart. But then during a time of freedom she would do things with a friend rather than me. I was not any more important to her than anything or anyone else in her life. Epiphany!
Again, this video is so timely!!!! I am struggling because I loved and cared about him so much. He and I were both extremely toxic when we got together. Sadly enough, he mentioned before he exited that I needed to love and treat him like I did when I first met him. I don't want to be that person anymore. In addition, I am a caregiver for my sick narcissist mom. I am an only child so the responsibility falls heavily on me. I will say being with him I learned alot about my mom and the nature of her behavior. Even though, I have been in narcissistic relationships most of my adult life. I am 49 now. The relationship with him most parallels my relationship with my mom. I know that was the reason it was so easy to keep returning to him. I have been able to place boundaries with my mom. However, I saw as I changed and became more detached from him. His rage became more frequent, scary, and dangerous. I saw it was triggered over nothing but at the root, he was losing control of me.
Love to me = "the inner desire/willingness for another person's humanness to flourish". Consider this about the people in your life and you'll know who should stay or go. Narcissistic people can't handle other people flourishing. Great video as usual 👍
Thank you. This is the best explanation i have ever heard verbalized. The mind bending nature of this abuse makes it so difficult, because others don't understand at all.
I finally told her that the sky is purple in her world. Because the blue sky most everyone else saw didn't exist even with proof. So any of my points or explanations wete contered with that purple sky. And that's how i excited. Oh, but again, it was all my fault. I have to state, my heart still hurts. And i rationalize it hurting because they have no rational. Ironically there is depth of shallowness with them that can't be explained to them. Soo sad..... I truly loved one
I called my ex “purple sky guy.” His version of truth or reality were opposite of mine. He had to win at all costs. Exhausting, confusing, & destructive.
Thankfully I’m free now.
I’ve heard it called “hopium”
As in - “oh those are your plans for a future? Awesome for you, but no thanks for me. I don’t smoke hopium. Thanks anyway.”
I've had counselling, read umpteen articles and watched countless videos. NO-ONE explains things better than you, no-one. You have helped me so much. Thank you.
Oh thank you. I’m so glad I can be helpful.
I was going to comment the SAME thing. After 20000 videos- and books- I quickly divorced him- did therapy hard- and have healed a bit- for 8 months now, I still need to understand what the HECK just happened to me…. THIS WAS THE BEST NON-PSYCHOLOGY STYLE EXPLANATION I HAVE HEARD!!! I want to give this lady a hug and a million dollars for making is to perfectly plain and simple!!! Then add the comment gallery- wow! Thank you everyone!!! This was the last video I’ll ever need to listen to!!! Sooooo freeing! ✅💯💥🦋
I'm happy for you. I'm not at your point but yeah, this video explain verry well how it feels to love a narcisist.
I feel the same way. She really hits the nail squarely on the head, and brings to light what this experience is like, and what it does to a person involved. We have all spent so much time feeling disoriented and somewhat tormented by things we saw, heard, felt, etc. Her videos really draw you back in to those experiences and help us make sense of what we were dealing with.
#RichardGrannon said they ARE NOT your friend. Never. When you're with them you are their handler. He actually showed a clip of Jodie Foster receiving instructions before she begins working with Hannibal Lechter. While he was a psycho murderer, hoping your not dealing with anything close! I think the advice he gave her is perfect for protecting yourself from any narcissist perpetrators.
I would have one day off and she would have a list with so many things on it I couldn't possibly get it all done. If I didn't get it all done, she would explode with anger and hatred. She would cut me off from sex for 1-2 weeks. This eventually became a consistent pattern.
Lonely
I was outright told, 42+ years, he fell out of love. Okay, but why the incessant hate & rage? I've messed up relationships with both brothers, older one guilty of S/A, neither younger bro or older sis talk to me, they wish i never told them. I was protecting my nieces who spent time there. He's now also an alcoholic & his wife. They do nothing intellectually or and substance in my world. No siblings, parents gone, mom in 2007, she was the glue holding us together.
If you have to explain basic respect or offer a review primer of behaving with human dignity, because they literally asked about it, and then get run down for talking down to them or patronizing them - leaving you confused because you thought you were just trying to answer their questions - consider it a lost cause.
Attraction may wane over time, or ebb and flow, but respect doesn’t wear off.
Your comment struck a chord with me because I often felt frustrated having to explain something I knew in my heart should not need explanation. I guess the truth of that was too intimidating to face, and I kept plugging away at it, disregarding the plain truth....that he was not capable of internalizing me or loving and respecting me as a separate person. When I saw that he had no value for truth telling, negotiating differences, or discussing compromises without being resentful afterwards, I should have left. I would hear myself explaining why honesty, real communication, and trust mattered. Obvious things. The worst part is that after doing so, I was accused of "lecturing" him.
Real love is like mutual admiration and respect… growing and developing or deepening and enriching your lives together over time.
WoW, awesome explanation !!! ❤
Thank You for putting into words something so difficult to explain.
I might’ve already shared my story on one of these videos, but in a nutshell, I come from a difficult, and psychologically abusive relationship with my father who was a covert narcissist and had robbed me of my self-worth, I grew up homeless with him for a very long time during my upbringing and never had a good home life growing up. I managed to escape that and had to go great lengths to get away from him, I was lucky to have known the people that supported me and helped me with that process. I went to go be with my extended family that had found me on the internet, they thought I was a gift from grandma that passed away, I genuinely felt that I would belong with them and I thought they felt same way, but unfortunately, I guess they didn’t. What seemed like a gift from the universe, just turned into something that only contributed to my psychological and emotional wounds, I was only with them for 3 months because of how difficult they were to live with, and how conditional their love and regard was towards me, their love was like a benchmark, I couldn’t really be loved or accepted for just the way I am, I would hear a family member say “But he wasn’t raised that way!” “Oh it’s just gonna take time.” …and had to constantly jump through hoops in order to be loved, and if I wouldn’t, then it’s basically ‘bye peace out can’t live with your family’. It’s just unfair to me how my upbringing pretty much got robbed by a narcissist father and is something no kid should ever have to go through, while my fully related brother got to have what they called a ‘privileged life’. Yet, some online stranger on discord invalidates me and went on to say “why should they love you” and “who are you and why should you be loved and cared for” and another person made a negative comment about me wanting a life there with my family and he said “you don’t seem to realize you want a warped and distorted view of your family” and calling me a “poster child of emotional immaturity”. …even a former friend laughed at me and invalidated me saying “well they raised your brother and not you so he’s their kid” and that put more salt in the wound…and my aunt didn’t even have any idea why I went to go be with them, even though she invited me and was like “why not come stay here?”. She would ask me “What are the advantages that you think you have of being here?” but in my mind I’m like “I didn’t come here just so I can gain some kind of material advantages or benefits I came to have a life here with my family” I told her “I don’t know” and she was like “then why did you come live with us honey?” …It has put me in a constant endless loop of rumination. I remember I stayed with a friend of mine and his family because his mom couldn’t sleep at night knowing that I was sleeping in a car in a parking lot somewhere. They treated me as equally as their 2 boys… I wanted that with my brother… every other kid gets to have a family home life with their families and their siblings, I believe it is the most basic thing a kid can have… but I can’t? I’m not supposed to?… I have had someone that recognized the validity of my feelings though, and that person said “how on earth can you not be allowed just the same if not more”.
I just wanted a life there with my family… Why would that be a wrong or reprehensible thing?
I can’t believe that, I went through that whole process, of getting away from my father, and finally got to go live with my extended family, only for it to, pretty much, backfire? all because, “they raised my brother and not me”. I thought I would be their kid too….
I've been married to him 5 yrs. He's emotionally dangerous. Mind you, good man, pays for everything. But he operates from a victim mode.
I want a partner who is talking to me, not punishing me because the wind changed.
I never experienced hate & disgust from a partner so soon during mid honeymoon phase. The mental whiplash does something to your brain. I thought I loved myself prior to encountering the narc, he definitely taught me about true self love. Not the surface kind, but having real deep self love and respect for myself to me means-Disengaging with anyone at the first sign of an orange flag bc I’m not waiting for a blazing red flag, by that time it’s too late. I won’t be gaslit into believing “it was just a bad day”. If a person doesn’t have control over their emotions, then they’re showing you who they really are.
She told me she “loved” me and before i could answer her she said it is you who doesn’t love me and that it was over then she unfriended and slammed the phone down. I expected her anger to dissipate but she threw all my belongings into a plastic bag at a social event left it on the floor and told me that I’m never coming back and then tried to provoke me by running away from me and chasing other men in front of me and watching for my reaction. No real conversation has taken place between us and she’s done this for 14 months now! Arguing and blocking several female friends in that period each of which has approached me to ask whether she has got back talking to me yet. I asked a “longer term” female “friend” of hers as to whether she’d blocked her before and she said that she had. Just a very strange concept of love and total magical thinking to believe that grown men are going to crawl on bended knee with a ring to offer commitment when she can offer no commitment in her behaviour to me.
After a series of toxic relationships, I left my last one 7 years ago. This video brings back memories- I really don’t know how I lived like that for so long!
i gave up on love. i gave up on explaining. im working on forgiving myself
Preach! 15+ years of therapy, and this video was more helpful than all of it! Thank you so much. I exited an 18 year relationship with a narcissist last September. All the videos are and have been very helpful. I try not to watch them anymore because I am honestly feeling better and moving on with my life. But of course I have my moments of weakness and flashbacks. Your video popped up at just the right moment. Thank you for the reminder of how it felt to be "loved" by him. I felt like a trained dog always willing and able to try and perform the next trick in order to please him and so I would get a breadcrumb. You are spot on in your descriptions. Thank you so much. You are an angel helping so many of us survivors. ❤
Hey Marshall!
I can't believe all the things I was made to feel bad about for questioning. I should have been questioning
I’ve been surviving for three years off of the memories or fumes of the first few weeks or months of the relationship before things turned into a nightmare. I held on for dear life to those fairy tale moments 😢
The person I dated for two years- whom I was completely devoted to, absolutely committed to, loved more than anyone, and was working desperately towards a future with, including being a step-mom to his children- told me the day he discarded me that he “has no faith” in me. He had said that a few times before and I asked him to please explain exactly what he meant by this and I never got an answer. What does it mean when they “have no faith” in us? What does that even mean? I can’t imagine a crueler thing to say, tears come to my eyes even writing this.
Narcissists have no faith in anyone. It has nothing to do with you or anything you did or didn’t do. I know it hurts, but it’s not because you failed in any way. It’s not because of anything wrong with you.
@@LookingBehindtheMirror thank you for replying. This has been one of the most difficult experiences I have endured. From complete devotion and thankfulness and excitement for the future, to consistent and predictable abuse and then discard. I feel like I’m leaving a cult. It’s so difficult.
Narcissists act the way they do with great appetite.
… howuhumanity can be so misunderstood … just thoughts …
I LOVE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR "THESE" VIDEOS!!!!!!👏👏👏 IT'S A LOT OF VIDEOS OUT THERE ON NARCISSISM AND I CAN TELL THE "AUTHENTIC" ONES AND YOUR VIDEOS ARE ONE OF THE MOST REALIST ONE'S 💯💯💯
The Trueman Show is an apt movie to showcase how lovebombing and pretentious and the lies and all shit that they can do. Way ahead of its time that movie! The cheating and the controlling and the "my love is so deep for you" s***!
In general, can we agree that love involves acts that express the earnest desire to be in a mutually beneficial relationship where both parties seek to meet each other's emotional, physical, and spiritual needs.
I loved the view from another poster 'id rather do morse code with a fly!! ' than dance with the devil!😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Thank you sooooooo much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you are brilliant!!! 👍❤❤❤
Great parallel with the building of a house!
You’re amazing. I love your insights. So spot on. Thank you 💕
Wonderful explanation!!!!!!!❤❤❤
This is a very accurate way of explaining what it’s like to be in relationship with a narcissist. Thank you and great job. Just became a subscriber.
They might pepper you with questions only to interrupt you 2 words into your answers… so wait a beat before responding. Just wait a beat to think through what they just said and consider your response.
Was it a veiled accusation?
Could it be.a distraction if you were expressing that you were into their deception?
Could it be a way to redirect your attention from themselves and what they might be up to?
I remember that at the end (first end, because there was more endings lol) i was thinking at a poetry ("Ion Minulescu - Romanta negativa") that was kind of like this :
There was nothing of what could have been,
And what could have ended ...
There was only a brief insanity
Which bloodied a shiny knife blade.
This is a perfect summation of what such a relationship is about. There was never a chance for a narcissit to allow for anything real, or an opportunity for building trust and joy, and self-destruction is imminent.
I know going threw it
Lots of futur faking
First of all, your cat 🐈 could be a brother or sister of ours. Even the same gestures. And I even catched myself to look behind your back to get a brighter sight - which of course is not possible 😅
Well, when I was in a relationship with a Sociopath, the lovebombing was very, very intense and apart from all the very intense confusion and unpredictability, there were signs that this was not "normal" at all:
1. I had no butterflies at all (which I always have when I fall in love)
2. There was always this dark energy around him, which I did not always catch while we were together, but when I was on my own again after we had met, I felt an intense sadness/depression
3. There was no development in the relationship: instead of going forward, it went backwards
Suggestion: Could you make a video, where you describe how you transformed into a healthier person to get a healthier relationship and how you met your husband, the dating etc.?
Thanks for all your great work ❤ which helps a lot to understand the dynamics of toxic people.
P.S.: I'm always wondering why you are making these videos in your sleepingroom?😉
Thank you for the suggestion. As for my “studio”… it’s the best room. Really. Every other room has some kind of problem with it. Haha.
Marshall is tired of your shit 😂 Just joking.
Been a while since I last commented here. But still watching and learning. Another amazing video by you.
He really is though. Until he wants food and scratches again. 😂 Thanks for watching.
It feels confusing. They’re vacant. They’re human mosquitoes.
To be fair to her, she hasn’t said she loves me for a long time 🫡🇺🇸🦅