No the narcissist never changes just ups their game. But hey we are finally catching up on their criminal games. And they can’t even CHANGE their games!! 🎉
My mother was my first bully. She still tries her best to bully me now and I’m an adult. But thanks to Dr. Ramani, I’m more resistant and I’m saving up to flee
Trust me, they will never change as they get older. Worse somehow. If you can go no contact, it is the best. Heck, I moved to the other side of the world just to get some relief.
My Narcissistic mother bullied me my entire childhood. She tried to beat me at age 14 and I fought back. She never ever laid another hand on me. I’m now 53 yrs old and cut off contact years ago. Bullies are cowards!
I'm so proud of you Queen. In my case my narcissistic mom and her sister used to team up on me and my mom never protected me from her. I never had safety; now that I'm 40 years old I've cut complete contact with my moms sister for almost 20 years and my mom and I no longer have a relationship although she tries her hardest to come back but I'm no longer interested. She failed to protect me as a child.
I wasn’t physically abused, but I was bullied and verbally abused by my mother. She died when she was 62 and I was happy. I’m 75 now and the echoes of my childhood are still there. These videos have helped immensely with my recovery. Good luck to you now and in the future.❤
@@beverlyadams7205 - I’m so sorry you had to endure being abused. Her voice still echoes and I’m still working on healing. ❤️🩹 It May be a life long journey.
I can relate as well. Let me guess, you were painted as the Black Sheep or Trouble-maker that was causing all the problems? Because if only you did X, then there would be no problems!
Doc, I’ve just finished listening to the audible version of “It’s not you”. I had already read it on Kindle. Now, I can listen to your daily video on UA-cam. Life brings more hope thanks to you. Much love from Italy 🇮🇹
After being subjected to bullying from husband's friend week after week. My husband didn't even care to acknowledge or accept the fact his friend consistently verbally abused me. I stopped going around him, my husband blamed me. An adult group of men bullies a woman consistently, in public. I withdrew from the activities whereas my husband continued to support the bully. The best action of mine was no contact, divorce, and i will never put myself in that situation again.
The bullies die bullies. I drove buses for kids and for grans and gramps. Having to tell a gramp to stop picking on another one everyday really makes you realize that bullies dont outgrow it
I feel so bad when I realize that years of abuse from ppl that said they loved me has created some of the traits that are seen within the abuse. I have become hypervigilant towards myself and my own emotions and actions. It causes a shut down.
Alienated mum here. Thank you for describing the toxic system which is much more widespread than people know. We need to put work into ending the cycle. Dr you are a blessing to humanity
Dr. Ramani, you have given the most accurate and in-depth description and explanation of this demonically driven behavior of the bully. Thank You Bless you.
Thank you for addressing this issue. My youngest child would not go to high school because of a bully. Their way of dealing with it was to threaten me with jail !! Really ? I talked to the principal 12 times. She just wanted to hold me to blame. We didn't have cell phones back then so I had to look through the yellow pages to find a school for my daughter. They let her study at home and she finished high school a year early. She went on to go to college becoming an accountant. Schools are horrible in my opinion. I had problems with bullies too in school. There are kids that can't handle, for whatever reason, a school environment.
As the scapegoat, I was bullied by everyone in my family to some degree (my narcissistic father and golden child older brother were the "main" bullies). The reason I couldn't tell an adult about the abuse in my home was that I knew if someone (ie police or child and family protective services) confronted my parents/family, they would all collude & say that I am the problem (scapegoat narrative)....then I would be in even more danger. This was made even more difficult because my father was a successful surgeon, a pillar of the community & was known to be a "nice guy".
That's right, the truth ahead had only brought me more problems. Even those who do not have these disorders in my family were capable of dragging me down further so that the family narrative continues, so that the social façade of normality is sustained. Be careful, be prudent and get away as soon as you can and better without making noise, without attracting attention.
My mom was my first bully. When I became an adult at some point after much reflection I finally understood why I was bullied so much as a kid. No one was teaching me to stand up for myself, I was being taught to make myself smaller all the time.
My mother is telling everyone (who she can find) that I'm making her homeless because I'm not letting her live with me. I have told her I can help her financially so she can stay at her cure apartment. She is also old enough that is eligible to go to a nursing home. But she doesn't want to go to a nursing home because she doesn't want to loose her control. The issue is that she used to live with me for the past 8 years and was complaining that I put her in jail and left on her own will; but now that I'm not letting her come back, she is mad about my decision.
My friend, Taking your mom into your home for 8 years is something to give yourself a pat on the back. It's so hard to work, love on your family and have your mom in the mix. This is what I have to do to keep myself sane... Want and need are different things. Your mother 'wants" what she wants. She wants to live with you but under her terms. You must be home to be with her, take care of her and spend time with her. I experienced it. She'd turn up the heat because she was cold or turn up the air because she was hot She'd complain that she was "alone' staring at walls when I went to work. I told her this was going to be her life if she lived with me. My husband and I couldn't go out because she complained that when I was finally home, I was leaving her again. Does this sound familiar? My sisters also had room, but since they worked full time and I worked several part time jobs(which equaled full time) I should "take" mom. So, want is not need. If mom can live alone and has money, or you have money, get an aid, that's an idea. If she can't afford to live in her house, sell it! Use the money for assistant living or an apartment with an aide. I KNOW SHE DOESN'T WANT THAT !!! Want is not need. and my friend, "NO" is a full answer. No apology needed. Tell her,I will help pay for the aide mom, I will help you find housing, i will help find and help pay for assistant living. But NO, you cannot live with me. We tried it. It didn't work. And, you did try!! I have been there. The relationship is ruined. I was the aide, cook and "bestie" and my mother was too much. I love her. You love her. Guilt is different than shame. She is shaming you. Guilt is if you sinned. you didn't xo
@lafamilia4562 All I have to say is oh. My. Gosh! You nailed it and then some. Your kind and thoughtful comment was one more sanity check that im not crazy, inhumane person that she called me to be. I sincerely Thank You! I hope that you are also healing and getting what you need to heal❣️
Someone in my family used to pull me up the stairs by my hair when I was about 3. I'm not saying who because I am still worried about the repercussions. Im 45 now. Says a lot
When I was 9, I almost committed suicide but stopped myself. When I was 14, I attempted to run away but decided to sit it out until I could go to college. A book I read about an orphan who survived on her own between the age of 9 and 14 literally had turn my life around. Now I am 61 years old and doing well. Hang on to your life, it will get better every day, take great care of yourself in any small way you can until you can be on your own. Keep taking great care of yourself.
My new supervisor teared up and praised me for my hard work and excellent results, but was quickly followed by avoidance and silence. It was clear it had pinged her fragile ego. Within days, she orchestrated an all out smear campaign, followed by a tantrum behind closed doors. She employed projection and baiting, but I did not bite and remained calm. I promptly switched supervisors and for the next 6 months of this god awful (unpaid!) internship adopted my personal mantra - "It's not you". I clung to the belief that she would eventually out herself. My last days there her true self began peek through.
Thank you, sincerely, for sharing your experience of being bullied as a child. And the effect it had on your behavior, mind and body and still does to this day. ❤
❤ They do quit eventually, although some of them have to die first. I know how bitter and heartless that may sound. I’m okay with that, because you are what’s important here. All my love and support, even though we don’t know each other and will likely never meet.❤
Describing to a T the person I have lived with for 50 years. Very stressful, causing me a scary health issue several years ago. Refuses divorce, so we live in separate rooms. Not a marriage, it's a life sentence.
My life too. Withholds everything,no regret or remorse, refuses divorce, …has the gall to announce that “we are two people under one roof” … life is so unfair 😢
My partner for many years won't go for this says this going to stop I'm away from it now and getting text saying when are you coming home. It's a nightmare not falling for it.
Thank you for being you and actually getting it, giving us the language to describe what is happening. I went through this long term with a neighbor of all people, who had nothing better to do than to triangulate, smear, making it so viscerally uncomfortable to enter or exit the buikding walking past this creature. It definitely exacerbated my PTSD.
I had been bullied as a child by my toxic mother, up until at the age of eleven I said something back. She looked like she expected it, and the power dynamics changed. But the damage had already been done, later on the abuse set me up for a relationship with a malignant narcissist.
Goodness gracious! You really dug into the nooks and crannies of narcissism and all its ugly faces! I could do nothing but laugh at how accurate this was!
Formless shapeless hate and anger is what a narcissist is made of. Those emotions will twist themselves into whatever position they need to find appeasement/supply for just a moment. Look past it and walk away.
Beginning to think my roommate is a narcissist. She is getting really good at the bait and switch deals here at the house. "Forgot " me on a shopping trip she knew I needed to do. That was a small blowup. We settled it. This time, I was told to be ready to go to the laundromat at 7am. Ok, I was ready. Didn't happen. "You said yesterday you wanted to go to the store. You didn't mention the laundromat. " I told her yea, ok, that's why the day before you paid me back for a small item, with quarters and told me to be ready at 7am. I didn't get to the laundromat. Hmmm. She's 5xting me in caps ...your fault, your fault. I txted back, don't give it another thought, I'll figure out something. And I knew I had to ask if I was still allowed to go to the store. Long wait, then yea, sure. I have to get out of here!!
I used to have a covert narcissist boss that would punish me with very OCD and petty cleaning frenzies, and also rearranging desks and furniture in offices without people's permission that made no sense. When people objected to having their offices messed with, I was gas lighted when the boss would claim to never have told me to do those things.
I currently (hopefully not much longer) work for similar. My goodness, if we don't turn off all the switches at the end of the day, he calls the entire team for a 20-minute lecture. The thing of it is (and I work in the office), sometimes he is last to leave the office, and he quite often forgets to do the same. I don't think it is an OCD thing, but more a power and control thing to give him a power trip.
My younger sister is the bully. We are only two siblings and our remaining parent has just become a hospice patient. Some of your programs have helped me realize that this has been going on in my family for decades, since she was a small child.
Thank you for validating that these forms of bullying are real. This is coming from someone who was chronically bullied as a child and is now experiencing workplace bullying.
I am finding the flying monkeys that are happily engaging in my ex-husband's lies about me, almost as bad as living with him during our marriage. Some of the flying monkeys are mutual friends or rather, they were mutual friends. My ex-husband has even spread the smear campaign amongst my neighbours and my village community. It is so hurtful, so unbearable, that I have put my house on the market and will relocate to escape this never ending, hurtful and confusing cycle of abuse.
I’m so sorry 😢 These narcs are so good at reeling people in, charming the pants off them, even our own family who have known us as kind decent people all their life…they too fall for the narcs lies and charm. It’s crazy. Trying to explain this insidious invisible type of abuse, is near impossible. The invalidation is almost as bad as the abuse itself. It’s a lonely isolating situation. I wish you well going forward 🙏🏻💜
My sibling was my first bully. I had no words, no understanding, or frame of reference for it. I just knew that she was cruel, she lied, and got me into trouble. I'm younger by 2 years. The worst was everyone else just saw siblings fighting or rivalry. "Oh they fight like cats and dogs". Nobody saw, nobody heard, and I didn't have the language to explain the severity of it. I couldn't make them understand. I'm just another kid complaining about their older sibling. And I'd think, sincerely, until I was about 10 "if she knew how much it hurt me, she wouldn't do it." Untrue. She fed on my pain.
@davinasquirrel7672 it's like early reactive abuse; they push and push until we lose it, and then they're the victim. We're the ones out of control or acting out. And they're better than ever because it was so satisfying.
@@TheWelchcat The younger sister was the attention seeker, and mild level narcissist. The mother was also a narcissist. I was just a pawn in their games. Eventually I learned not to take any of the baits. They didn't like that.
My first bully was my mother, who's still lying about me (and my middle brother, her first scapegoat) to destroy our relationships and opportunities -- colleagues, roommates, friends, in-laws. Everyone. She also lied to that brother about me to get him to beat me up, and then she would say I must have had it coming. No Lady Macbeth, she was very smart about getting the blood on other people's hands, so it took me decades to understand that she was the mastermind behind it all. My brother and I are 55 and 59 respectively. Our oldest brother, her golden, still lives with her. He'll be 60 this year, and never launched because she did what she could to keep him around, which amounted to encouraging his addictions. The two of them are basically Grey Gardens. Our mother is 83. Trust me, age does not diminish the narcissism or the desire to destroy.
How you explain the smear campaign is exactly what i have gone through . I never once thought the punishment the smear campaign delivered to me could be so damaging and life changing . It has left me living life with a serious desire to end it . This is a daily struggle for me . When I see the smear campaigner ( my ex who I left after 27 years of severe abuse ) I feel physically sick .
Hang in there, generally they do back off after finding a new victim. But the damage has probably been done with friends/family. If you are strong enough, move away, start a new life, a fresh start.
Sal: My heart goes out to you as I read your post tonight. The narc who cannot control you attempts to control how others see you through the smear campaign. It is very difficult if people believe them…The results of the smear campaign will let you see who your REAL friends are. I am praying for you.
@@sal13luckyforme Sal: I know it’s unbearable to endure a smearing! People are generally uneducated about a situation with an abusive person you have to live with! I got out of my recent narcissistic marriage rather quickly because of the “damage” I incurred from a previous narcissistic relationship. I would encourage you to seek help with a therapist who knows about narcissistic abuse! There are people who care…and the ones who believe the smear campaigner are not the good ones! Those of us who have been through this experience with narcissistic individuals believe you! …..and care that get back to feeling better.
I love that you say "grown ass adults" . I was blessed to have a friend at the beginning of a smear campaign who ignored the weird text and immediately called me and read the text to me. My most intense smear campaigner was my father, who had told me for years he was going to kill my stepfather, and when I finally told him I didn't want to hear it anymore and maybe he should talk to a therapist, he quickly started talking to everyone in the family to go on offense, to discredited me, in case I shared the secret.
Great timing! I have to go into a den of bullies on Friday for an unavoidable family function. I was bullied by my stepfather then at school. Several years later, stepfather is passed, younger brother and older brother picked up the mantra. They make fun of my hair, my age....I'm 63. One's 57. One's 71. I'm so over them.
@@suzymagan7575 unavoidable indeed. I send you stoic strength to completely ignore any negativity. Congratulations to your son. I hope it is a joyous occasion 🤍
@@suzymagan7575 , When I was in your position, I sought out the people who I felt comfortable with, and avoided the ones who were immature bullying types with irritating personalities. It was clear that the bullies were feeling snubbed by me. I didn't care. I even managed to enjoy the day! I hope you'll have a good time at your son's wedding! Attend in a spirit of celebration for HIM and his bride. Try to forget the others!🙏🏼🥂❤🙂
This was pure gold DR Ramani, Thank you so much for this, Speaks volumes, Describes these two hiding in the shadows, Covertly humiliate and show humility, It don't match, It's complete bollocks, you two eat truth , Eat crow, Peace, love and respect to you and everyone, Thank you universe, All glory praise and smiles to the most high ;-)
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her..
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back
I watched a documentary about bullying several years ago. It was made by the family of a young child who committed suicide after some horrendous bullying at school. I SOBBED my way through thst film. It was Gut Wrenching. The Title said it all " Bully "
Dr Ramani you are so right, the smear campaign is the worst. Each of your points is exactly what he's done and I'm afraid he will do again. love your channel.
Thank You again! The most painful when those people whom You trusted turns against You... And You try to be vocal even to the Boss trying to tell her: bullying is not right...! I trusted that boss and the system. Then they collect the flying monkeys (some of them i thought were friends of mine) And they start doing these exact things You've mentioned. They even start to destroy your reputation for their pleasure. I quit that workplace...then realize the neighbor's behaving the same way who was brought up by narcissistic family...after i left my job... the neighbor's doing these same patterns with me... pretending to be a friend on the other hand somehow she breaks into my account, computer and somehow my wifi router was hacked by her and so on... It's cruel.... and really draining...
My boss is a narcissist and abusive, and being a new parent on top of that is really driving me crazy. I have a supportive husband and have considered quitting severally. Are there ways for someone like me to earn a decent income while working from home?
Must be tough balancing new parenthood with a toxic job and a difficult boss... A couple of years ago, I faced something similar and decided to focus on opportunities that were less detrimental to my mental health... Now, I make over 10k a month from home! If you have skills in writing, graphic design, or web development, consider freelancing. Also, consider stocks but ensure you use a financial expert in the earlier stages to avoid mistakes... I do both, freelancing keeps me busy while the other brings in the bulk of my earnings but more passively...
Dont want to quit my job or anything like that,, but I have been considering the stocks thing for sometime now,, heard its a nice way to get some extra funds. Do you have an FA guy you can recommend or anybody like that
it is really a small world. She and a colleagues were at this seminar we held at my office few weeks back. had to go to her page to confirm that I wasn't mistaken. nice!
What's trippy, is that even though I estranged myself from my family decades ago as the scapegoat, when I ended up in touch with nieces and nephews I had not seen since they were toddlers because of my parents probate, they had been taught that I was responsible for the family's problems, including theirs as adults in their 30's and 40's. And none of them had left the dysfunctional family, or if they did, they returned to it. So freaky, and I had left as soon as I turned 18, while still in high school, sleeping on friend's couches. Literally over 40 years previously. Lots of suicide in my family. I always felt like such an alien. It's actually amazing I had the strength to leave, but I felt almost in danger for my life. Ironically, I guess the fact that they made me responsible for everything made me resourceful enough to leave. I oddly did feel confident, even at barely 18, that I could figure out how to survive away from them. Weirdly, none of the other siblings had that capacity.
My dad the bully inappropriate remarks and beating the heck out of my brothers. Inappropriate behaviors ( talk) 14:1314:13 I had to unlearn. My oldest brother use to earn money in high school to beat up the bullies. He was called scotto. He was a very loving and intelligent guy. But drank himself to an early grave. He never had children. And always told me you reap what you sow. I never could stand bullies even to this day! Majority of them are narcissistic cowards!
Mine too, and it takes weeks to get it to baseline. I stopped calling, stopped asking them to have anything to do with me. The silence for a month after I expressed very nicely that my feelings were hurt was the last straw. I'm too old for childish games and have no desire to play them. Not going to Christmas this year, to play happy family for a few hours and then they can ignore me and my kids for the rest of the year. Take the inheritance and spend it all, or give it to my siblings. It's simply not worth being treated like crap for it. I can't be bought
My older passive-aggres sive stepsister used to talk unendingly on the phone and when I finally tried to talk to her about something happening in my life, she would strategically say, "I don't mean to cut you off but I have to get something in the mail and would abruptly end the call. When I'd ask her to call me back later, she wouldn't. I soon realized our phone calls were primarily about me listening to her; there was no give and take, no reciprocity. She would dominate and monopolize the calls with the same 'monologue' every time. It made me think it was symptomatic of maybe narcissism, bi-polar, or early onset dementia. With each call it got worse and she became less and less of the person I had known her to be. She would go on with the same stories she had told me numerous times before as if she had no memory of it. It was like trying to talk to a recording. Very sad...I so missed her and it felt like she was just intellectually drifting away and had lost the self- awareness and ability to monitor any semblance of balance in our calls. She is in her 80's now and the last call I had with her, I made it a point to tell her that I loved her. She responded with suspicion and paranoia; and tersely said, "What do you WANT from ME?" I had never in all my years asked her for one red cent nor shown up at her front door asking her for a place to live so that inappropriate comment hurt me deeply and I haven't spoken to her since. Rather than absorb it, I realize that some of us happen to have very dysfunctional families. It's something we have to recognize, accept and take into account. It is not our fault, we are not to blame, and we should not internalize it. It is a hurt that is unfortunate. It is an estrangement that many suffer, not just me.
Bullying isn't going away, it's been around since the beginning of time. The only chance against bullying, is making Vigilantism legal. Then you'll see them think twice before picking on someone, when there's consequences.
People need to first get over the idea that we're all automatically just too stupid & immoral to be capable of governing ourselves, & that somehow therefore giving ALL the power over to a tiny handful of what consistently turns out to be the worst among us, even begins to make sense on _ANY_ level. Then they need to get over the idea that every time these megalomaniacs make some scribbles on paper & call it "law" (regardless of the content of those scribbles) the rest of us peons better be quick to want to know how high we ought to be jumping now. (That's often somewhere round about the stratosphere, but we've all been collectively jumping so high for so long, we just don't even know any more, we think it's 'normal', just as in every other trauma bonded situation.) I don't even want to get into the fact that those are endlessly migratory goalposts, & the bog of sewage we are meant to wade through in order to figure any of it out does nothing but get deeper. Hell I'm certain that bog was at least a couple hundred feet taller than my head just when I came into this world, let alone that we're 50+ years on from that now. Edit: Funny, at 13:29 Dr Ramani talks about "It's a lot harder to get our heads around the idea that an entire *system* can be bullying." Ya don't say.
Yeah right. They'll just continue to speak against bullying while denying victims and empowering the bullies, particularly in schools. No accountability in America. Buck stops... somewhere down the road, hopefully 😢
Nobody is stopping them. I need out and away from it all, and I need protection orders or something in writing saying they can't come back in my life and continue doing this. Unfortunately, the responsibility falls on the person or people who are trapped by this system to get out by themselves and that's not realistic or possible.
I am guessing you failed to act as humble and grateful servant to her Queen of the Universe script. That's usually what does it in these parts. That comes out when the guilt tripping fails to land on target.
Yep, my narc mom used to take me to downtown walking faster than me so I had to run after her, I was twelve, we entered this restaurant she ate pizza in front of me, did not invite me to eat or sit. I kept standing and starving. No words.
When I was a child… My experience of being bullied in school was. These people where crazy because I didn’t know them but they knew me by my likable reputation by everyone., which I was unaware I’m friends w/girls and guys…When the person came toward me saying “I don’t like you” and I didn’t know who this person is… so I say… I don’t know you which made the person mad 😠. So after that experience made me aware of people and their behavior. So when my spirit give me that feeling around people and my intuition appears and i observe to proceed w/caution until I see it for what it really is. #decernment., I forgive but, I’m of age and still use this tactics because people are crazy 🤪 #unbothered because I don’t do toxicity behavior it interferes w/my peace. An extended family member posted via txt then social media a passive aggressive comment and I replied it back to them… it was taken down. They thought the knew me but don’t know me or what I really know which is a lot but, I mind my business but don’t try me #periodT😛
What's REALLY Scary is the Narcissistic Vindictiveness takes on a malevalent hidden character and the narc often Strikes from behind the scenes making it harder to prove and giving outsiders the impression you are being " paranoid", " Overreacting" or " being just too sensitive " . Really Scary stuff !
I’ll listen through this one many, many times for the validation. These bullying systems go way beyond the family / school. And if the only refuge is therapy … think about what happens if that kind of victimization ends up on your chart.
I met someone in March and within 3 months of this courtship he was cheating on me as he was a sex addict... After 3 months of break up I found out that he was doing vodoo on me and all sort of death spells, sex spells with the maid of his homestay with whom he was sleeping with and called me unstable for calling him out on his behavior.. He also went to police to file a false case against me... U r absolutely right.. I was lucky to move away from that place and after 15 days he broke up with me by public humiliation saying stuffs over phone which was all made up making sure that people around listen and also to control my behavior.. But rather running back I accepted who he is, healed and now I understand what kind of dangerous situation I was in
I suspect he just set you up to just think you were exclusive. Meanwhile, he continued playing the field. Here is why I do not buy the 'sex addict' (cheater) excuse - he has a hand.
Thank you again, Dr. Ramani ✨️🙏✨️ In my experience, even if they would dissappear from your life completely...someone else will show up and continue "the process" or we internalise the abuse and start bullying our selves...until we have finally done the whole healing journey....😢 It's (/been) a long harsh road, but we're all getting there ✨️🐛💝🙏💝🦋✨️
Dr Ramani, thank you so so much for your content 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉 your content has been really significant in my healing journey 🎉🎉 Thank you for giving us this content
At school i was bullied almost immediately by some children, first time i was hit in my backpack on my back by a boy, I didnt know why, then i was teased because of my long hard to pronouonce surname, then i was bullied because of my nose shape. School is forever a place of discomfort for me. Sadly, at home it was a continuation of bullying and discomfort.
Don’t feel it was about appearance-it really never is--I was a very beautiful child and horribly bullied. I was very shy and quiet. I guess that’s all it takes.
I think people have a hard time believing the vindictiveness because normal people don't seek vengeance - it seems like something that would only happen in the movies, especially the more extreme it gets. I couldn't believe someone I knew could do this, until I experienced it myself, twice. I was blessed that people let me know what was being said behind my back. When I am tempted to think maybe these people did not treat me so badly and want to let my guard down, I remember what was said behind my back and keep it superficial.
I agree. We get upset and angry and want to sort things out, they get vindictive. It's impossible because you end up not being able to say anything! If you're happy and doing well they're jealous, if we are upset with them in any way, they're vindictive. My mother is vindictive and will do it when im at my lowest ebb! It's so cruel because it's meant to hurt. When I've been angry and upset with her im not trying to deliberately hurt, but they are and that to me is the difference. She even accused me of something awful that I never did! A false memory while she was on morphine for surgical pain.
The Internet is inundated with descriptions of the problem. Please prepare more solutions. By constantly describing the narc , you only empower the narcissist .
I have a story with a happy end. I had a bully in Jr. High who I watched grow as a person in High School. So much so that later in life we became casual Facebook friends. When I saw that he actually achieved becoming a counselor, I wrote to him. I told him that when I reflect on my bullies due to television or movies, he is sadly on that list. That part was relatively short. I went on to say that his personal growth did not go unnoticed and I was proud of him; glad he turned out to be an amazing person who chose to be actively helping others. I hadn't known what to expect but he wrote back. He didn't remember bullying me but that he was sure I was being truthful. He apologized and said he hates that he used to be the type who would do that. Also, strangely, another person had recently reminded him that he used to bully them as well. He validated my feelings and experiences and shared that he too was actually bullied in elementary school. He was so glad I reached out and he was given the chance to take his past to heart and apologize. It was more than I ever expected and really meant a lot that he took responsibility. Most people who are bullied never get this sort of kindness from an old bully. Just felt compelled to share. ^__^
Thank you Dr. Ramani!! My former boss is the worst narcissist the most cowardly person I’ve seen in my life. But he still maintains good rapport with some and survives in the organization. I wonder how they do that…
17:33 OMG... My ex narc did ALL of these things, both overt AND passive aggressive! And as a result I felt ALL of these things every day. It was a nightmare and so confusing... Thank you for helping me understand!! 💖🙏💖
People don't get when they see kids in these systems, those kids can be happy smiling having fun and look good in photos. Kids do that when something nice happens, they're not aware of the insidious damage happening to them with this push pull dynamic of raging or passive aggression last week and now on trip this week. Kids adapt and believe the good stuff whilst they're being psychologically and emotionally shredded. Most adults would walk away because of the bad stuff, kids can't and they don't understand, so they love their parents and take on the bad as being them, a part of them, and their fault. That's why it's so damaging and long lasting. That intermittent reinforcement screws them up, how they think, feel, behave and how their life pans out. Self sabotage, I'll health, mental health, toxic relationships, all because they've been taught that they're at fault. I find that unforgivable. ✌
I'm a survivor (68yrs) and it got worse as my empathetic mother was dying. The bullying was directed at myself and our mother. To watch them explode and their masks fall is truly and profoundly sad. I was their target again but this time it was a hole new level. The anger / jealousy/ hate ,noted. What they did is inexcusable and now the leagl system will judge their actions. I am a survior of abuse and I will be heard.
My mother once called my boss and told him to fire me, because I was stealing. Financial and inventory records proved her a liar. Additionally, my boss heard rumors about her, since he lived in the same neighborhood where I’d grown up. He called me for an appointment, I and I was sure I was going to get fired. When he told me of her actions, I knew her vindictiveness was at play. I knew at that point to never trust her on any level again. I am so grateful that boss didn’t believe her, checked records and told her off. I’m also grateful that his kids also defended me. What mother does that to their child? Only a narcissistic mother would pull that on her adult child
My dad was always always kind to people who were bullied. I always hated kids being left out. Many years later I am listening to you realising my mom bullied my dad and we were her flying monkeys. Since my dad passed at 60 his role has been passed on to me and my sisters are still the monkeys. At the moment she is actually being quite nice but I don't dare trust her. I feel so many emotions at times including shame I may have picked up some of her habits. When my sisters did not want to listen to me they just tell me to stop shouting even when I wasn't. I hate my mom for what she has done to a perfectly beautiful family.
I think Little Shaman mentioned something to the effect of the major bully in a narcissistic family, not necessarily being the one you think and I may have seen this, in my family. That, all the malignant narcissist needs, is someone, like my covert narcissistic mother, to insidiously encourage and develop a malignant narcissist’s rage against a sibling like me, who they’ve hated since childhood and it’s like putting The Hulk on crack and they feel very righteous, because they got the nod they waited for, all their life, from a parent that only, suddenly cares about them, because they’ve decided to scapegoat the golden child instead. One of the tiring things about this type of scenario, is that outsiders call this “plain old sibling rivalry”. Siblings vying for the love and attention of a parent. No it isn’t. This is parental triangulation. This is a parent, pitting their children against one another, like cocks, in a cock fight, tearing each other to shreds, hoping at least one gets killed. Why? In my case, I believe it’s because my mother saw the birth of both of us, as her downfall.
Devaluation, withholding, triangulation, sabotage. They are the judge, jury and executioner.
Yes! Thank you, and I’m sorry for your experiences.
That.. and prison guard and parole officer on power-trip.. Run 🐎🔥
do you ever watch the videos before commenting? i always see your comment like it's only responding to the title
@@missktofdk excellent metaphor!
Yet, what's said is the truth. You don't need to watch a video to know the patterns of a narcissist, which are predictable @@mooop348
I think that someone who has once bullied someone can change and regret what they did, but with narcissists, that's not going to happen.
No the narcissist never changes just ups their game. But hey we are finally catching up on their criminal games. And they can’t even CHANGE their games!! 🎉
I am still in it.
They are bullies down to the core!!
TRUE TRUE They will , cannot Change !!@@SherryTomlinson-r2y
My mother was my first bully. She still tries her best to bully me now and I’m an adult. But thanks to Dr. Ramani, I’m more resistant and I’m saving up to flee
Here-here, you can do it. It takes fear, to be brave, and it ain't easy being brave, but it's a virtue nonetheless!
Trust me, they will never change as they get older. Worse somehow. If you can go no contact, it is the best. Heck, I moved to the other side of the world just to get some relief.
Thank you for sharing the bullying aspect and your feelings with such a professional nature to respect
My Narcissistic mother bullied me my entire childhood. She tried to beat me at age 14 and I fought back. She never ever laid another hand on me. I’m now 53 yrs old and cut off contact years ago. Bullies are cowards!
I'm so proud of you Queen. In my case my narcissistic mom and her sister used to team up on me and my mom never protected me from her. I never had safety; now that I'm 40 years old I've cut complete contact with my moms sister for almost 20 years and my mom and I no longer have a relationship although she tries her hardest to come back but I'm no longer interested. She failed to protect me as a child.
I'm glad you fought back.
@@Mother8323 - Thank you for sharing your story. So glad you had the insight and strength to choose yourself. ❤️
I wasn’t physically abused, but I was bullied and verbally abused by my mother. She died when she was 62 and I was happy. I’m 75 now and the echoes of my childhood are still there. These videos have helped immensely with my recovery. Good luck to you now and in the future.❤
@@beverlyadams7205 - I’m so sorry you had to endure being abused. Her voice still echoes and I’m still working on healing. ❤️🩹 It May be a life long journey.
You have such a calm, peaceful, loving, warm, safe vibe and you know all about this stuff thank you for doing this on UA-cam.
My narcissistic family is like a nest of vipers.
I can completely relate to this.
I can relate as well. Let me guess, you were painted as the Black Sheep or Trouble-maker that was causing all the problems? Because if only you did X, then there would be no problems!
My father was my first bully.
My mother was mine. I couldn't stand bullies and would stand up to defend my classmates against them. They always backed off. Cowards.
Same
That's terrible! So sorry😢
Mine too. It has affected me for my entire adult life.
An adult bullying a child is ridiculous and pathetic.
Doc, I’ve just finished listening to the audible version of “It’s not you”. I had already read it on Kindle. Now, I can listen to your daily video on UA-cam. Life brings more hope thanks to you. Much love from Italy 🇮🇹
Blessings, same here from Jamaica 🇯🇲. Psalm 91👑👋❤️🌹🇯🇲
After being subjected to bullying from husband's friend week after week.
My husband didn't even care to acknowledge or accept the fact his friend consistently verbally abused me.
I stopped going around him, my husband blamed me.
An adult group of men bullies a woman consistently, in public. I withdrew from the activities whereas my husband continued to support the bully.
The best action of mine was no contact, divorce, and i will never put myself in that situation again.
SO VERY VERY TRUE!!! BULLYING IN THE WORKPLACE IS SO ABUSIVE AND AWFUL!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH DR. RAMANI!!!🎉❣️
The bullies die bullies. I drove buses for kids and for grans and gramps. Having to tell a gramp to stop picking on another one everyday really makes you realize that bullies dont outgrow it
wow, that's sad. It would be so frustrating to see that and know what the kid is up against.
I feel so bad when I realize that years of abuse from ppl that said they loved me has created some of the traits that are seen within the abuse. I have become hypervigilant towards myself and my own emotions and actions. It causes a shut down.
Same
Alienated mum here. Thank you for describing the toxic system which is much more widespread than people know. We need to put work into ending the cycle. Dr you are a blessing to humanity
Yes!
I have been in an abusive relationship for 21 years... In fact, there he is calling me now...
Dr. Ramani, you have given the most accurate and in-depth description and explanation of this demonically driven behavior of the bully. Thank You Bless you.
Thank you for addressing this issue. My youngest child would not go to high school because of a bully. Their way of dealing with it was to threaten me with jail !! Really ? I talked to the principal 12 times. She just wanted to hold me to blame. We didn't have cell phones back then so I had to look through the yellow pages to find a school for my daughter. They let her study at home and she finished high school a year early. She went on to go to college becoming an accountant. Schools are horrible in my opinion. I had problems with bullies too in school. There are kids that can't handle, for whatever reason, a school environment.
As the scapegoat, I was bullied by everyone in my family to some degree (my narcissistic father and golden child older brother were the "main" bullies). The reason I couldn't tell an adult about the abuse in my home was that I knew if someone (ie police or child and family protective services) confronted my parents/family, they would all collude & say that I am the problem (scapegoat narrative)....then I would be in even more danger. This was made even more difficult because my father was a successful surgeon, a pillar of the community & was known to be a "nice guy".
That's right, the truth ahead had only brought me more problems. Even those who do not have these disorders in my family were capable of dragging me down further so that the family narrative continues, so that the social façade of normality is sustained.
Be careful, be prudent and get away as soon as you can and better without making noise, without attracting attention.
Yes, surgeons are often psychopaths.
@@wildhorses6817 Source?
My mom was my first bully. When I became an adult at some point after much reflection I finally understood why I was bullied so much as a kid. No one was teaching me to stand up for myself, I was being taught to make myself smaller all the time.
This has to be one of my favorite compilations. Thank you for speaking for the survivor 🙏
My mother is telling everyone (who she can find) that I'm making her homeless because I'm not letting her live with me. I have told her I can help her financially so she can stay at her cure apartment. She is also old enough that is eligible to go to a nursing home. But she doesn't want to go to a nursing home because she doesn't want to loose her control. The issue is that she used to live with me for the past 8 years and was complaining that I put her in jail and left on her own will; but now that I'm not letting her come back, she is mad about my decision.
My friend, Taking your mom into your home for 8 years is something to give yourself a pat on the back. It's so hard to work, love on your family and have your mom in the mix. This is what I have to do to keep myself sane... Want and need are different things. Your mother 'wants" what she wants. She wants to live with you but under her terms. You must be home to be with her, take care of her and spend time with her. I experienced it. She'd turn up the heat because she was cold or turn up the air because she was hot She'd complain that she was "alone' staring at walls when I went to work. I told her this was going to be her life if she lived with me. My husband and I couldn't go out because she complained that when I was finally home, I was leaving her again. Does this sound familiar? My sisters also had room, but since they worked full time and I worked several part time jobs(which equaled full time) I should "take" mom. So, want is not need. If mom can live alone and has money, or you have money, get an aid, that's an idea. If she can't afford to live in her house, sell it! Use the money for assistant living or an apartment with an aide. I KNOW SHE DOESN'T WANT THAT !!! Want is not need. and my friend, "NO" is a full answer. No apology needed. Tell her,I will help pay for the aide mom, I will help you find housing, i will help find and help pay for assistant living. But NO, you cannot live with me. We tried it. It didn't work. And, you did try!! I have been there. The relationship is ruined. I was the aide, cook and "bestie" and my mother was too much. I love her. You love her. Guilt is different than shame. She is shaming you. Guilt is if you sinned. you didn't xo
@lafamilia4562 All I have to say is oh. My. Gosh! You nailed it and then some. Your kind and thoughtful comment was one more sanity check that im not crazy, inhumane person that she called me to be. I sincerely Thank You! I hope that you are also healing and getting what you need to heal❣️
It seems like you have your boundaries in place and a compromise. You're doing good.
I’m amazed at how accurate this is. I am going through this right now with my sibling.
This talk is amazing! And the family dynamic examples so applicable. Shunning and smear campaigns hurt so much!
Someone in my family used to pull me up the stairs by my hair when I was about 3. I'm not saying who because I am still worried about the repercussions. Im 45 now. Says a lot
Sorry😢 i know another child who suffered similarly. Her mother dislocated her arms multiple times and never got medical care for these injuries.
So very horrible and sad.
❤
Stay blessed. You are safe. You are strong. You are in God's light. Now
Thank you Dr Ramani. I was bullied as a kid and also by my biological family. The family that made me feel like an orphan.
You are so right; we are orphans. Great descriptor! 🤔🤗
When I was 9, I almost committed suicide but stopped myself. When I was 14, I attempted to run away but decided to sit it out until I could go to college. A book I read about an orphan who survived on her own between the age of 9 and 14 literally had turn my life around. Now I am 61 years old and doing well. Hang on to your life, it will get better every day, take great care of yourself in any small way you can until you can be on your own. Keep taking great care of yourself.
Brilliant videos. Dr. Ramani, there are no words to tell you how important your Work has been to my recovery from abuse. Thank you.❤
Well said and ditto.
@@disappearingremedy7400me too ✋️
My new supervisor teared up and praised me for my hard work and excellent results, but was quickly followed by avoidance and silence. It was clear it had pinged her fragile ego. Within days, she orchestrated an all out smear campaign, followed by a tantrum behind closed doors. She employed projection and baiting, but I did not bite and remained calm. I promptly switched supervisors and for the next 6 months of this god awful (unpaid!) internship adopted my personal mantra - "It's not you". I clung to the belief that she would eventually out herself. My last days there her true self began peek through.
Holy Sh*y this is EXACTLY what happened to me. Textbook! I’m floored. Thank you for this.
Thank you, sincerely, for sharing your experience of being bullied as a child. And the effect it had on your behavior, mind and body and still does to this day. ❤
They decide when you’ve suffered enough too. Still waiting.
❤ They do quit eventually, although some of them have to die first. I know how bitter and heartless that may sound. I’m okay with that, because you are what’s important here. All my love and support, even though we don’t know each other and will likely never meet.❤
😊@@susanbradleyskov9179
Describing to a T the person I have lived with for 50 years. Very stressful, causing me a scary health issue several years ago. Refuses divorce, so we live in separate rooms. Not a marriage, it's a life sentence.
❤
❤
My life too. Withholds everything,no regret or remorse, refuses divorce, …has the gall to announce that “we are two people under one roof” … life is so unfair 😢
My partner for many years won't go for this says this going to stop I'm away from it now and getting text saying when are you coming home. It's a nightmare not falling for it.
You don't have to wait for permission to file for divorce if you live in the US
Thank you for being you and actually getting it, giving us the language to describe what is happening. I went through this long term with a neighbor of all people, who had nothing better to do than to triangulate, smear, making it so viscerally uncomfortable to enter or exit the buikding walking past this creature. It definitely exacerbated my PTSD.
all my life,, I dreamt of leaving home, because of this, going to university was the best ,, now that I am done,, I plan on going very far from home..
❤thank you Dr for not minimizing the magnitude of this.
I had been bullied as a child by my toxic mother, up until at the age of eleven I said something back. She looked like she expected it, and the power dynamics changed. But the damage had already been done, later on the abuse set me up for a relationship with a malignant narcissist.
Goodness gracious! You really dug into the nooks and crannies of narcissism and all its ugly faces! I could do nothing but laugh at how accurate this was!
Thank yo Dr. Ramani, your work supports so many of us in understanding that we are not the ones causing our own abuse ...
My alcoholic narc ex died about a year ago. I am now finding out how much damage he did to my family system. Heartbreaking 😢
Whole families will avoid these bullies just to keep peace.
Thank you Dr Ramani! ❤
Every single thing you say is right on !! It is absolutely true!!!
Formless shapeless hate and anger is what a narcissist is made of. Those emotions will twist themselves into whatever position they need to find appeasement/supply for just a moment. Look past it and walk away.
👍👍👍👍👍👍
Beginning to think my roommate is a narcissist. She is getting really good at the bait and switch deals here at the house. "Forgot " me on a shopping trip she knew I needed to do. That was a small blowup. We settled it. This time, I was told to be ready to go to the laundromat at 7am. Ok, I was ready. Didn't happen. "You said yesterday you wanted to go to the store. You didn't mention the laundromat. " I told her yea, ok, that's why the day before you paid me back for a small item, with quarters and told me to be ready at 7am. I didn't get to the laundromat. Hmmm. She's 5xting me in caps ...your fault, your fault. I txted back, don't give it another thought, I'll figure out something. And I knew I had to ask if I was still allowed to go to the store. Long wait, then yea, sure. I have to get out of here!!
my older sister was my first bully …emotional and physical threats for sure ended up being a narc…caused such distruction in my life!
Dr Armani, you are an angel
. Your work saves lives. Thank you. ❤❤❤❤❤❤
I used to have a covert narcissist boss that would punish me with very OCD and petty cleaning frenzies, and also rearranging desks and furniture in offices without people's permission that made no sense. When people objected to having their offices messed with, I was gas lighted when the boss would claim to never have told me to do those things.
I currently (hopefully not much longer) work for similar. My goodness, if we don't turn off all the switches at the end of the day, he calls the entire team for a 20-minute lecture. The thing of it is (and I work in the office), sometimes he is last to leave the office, and he quite often forgets to do the same. I don't think it is an OCD thing, but more a power and control thing to give him a power trip.
My younger sister is the bully. We are only two siblings and our remaining parent has just become a hospice patient. Some of your programs have helped me realize that this has been going on in my family for decades, since she was a small child.
Thank you for validating that these forms of bullying are real. This is coming from someone who was chronically bullied as a child and is now experiencing workplace bullying.
I am finding the flying monkeys that are happily engaging in my ex-husband's lies about me, almost as bad as living with him during our marriage. Some of the flying monkeys are mutual friends or rather, they were mutual friends. My ex-husband has even spread the smear campaign amongst my neighbours and my village community. It is so hurtful, so unbearable, that I have put my house on the market and will relocate to escape this never ending, hurtful and confusing cycle of abuse.
I’m so sorry 😢 These narcs are so good at reeling people in, charming the pants off them, even our own family who have known us as kind decent people all their life…they too fall for the narcs lies and charm. It’s crazy. Trying to explain this insidious invisible type of abuse, is near impossible. The invalidation is almost as bad as the abuse itself. It’s a lonely isolating situation. I wish you well going forward 🙏🏻💜
My sibling was my first bully. I had no words, no understanding, or frame of reference for it. I just knew that she was cruel, she lied, and got me into trouble. I'm younger by 2 years. The worst was everyone else just saw siblings fighting or rivalry. "Oh they fight like cats and dogs". Nobody saw, nobody heard, and I didn't have the language to explain the severity of it. I couldn't make them understand. I'm just another kid complaining about their older sibling. And I'd think, sincerely, until I was about 10 "if she knew how much it hurt me, she wouldn't do it." Untrue. She fed on my pain.
The other way for me. I was older. She would keep antagonizing me until I snapped, then I would get into trouble.
@davinasquirrel7672 it's like early reactive abuse; they push and push until we lose it, and then they're the victim. We're the ones out of control or acting out. And they're better than ever because it was so satisfying.
@@TheWelchcat The younger sister was the attention seeker, and mild level narcissist. The mother was also a narcissist. I was just a pawn in their games.
Eventually I learned not to take any of the baits. They didn't like that.
My first bully was my mother, who's still lying about me (and my middle brother, her first scapegoat) to destroy our relationships and opportunities -- colleagues, roommates, friends, in-laws. Everyone. She also lied to that brother about me to get him to beat me up, and then she would say I must have had it coming. No Lady Macbeth, she was very smart about getting the blood on other people's hands, so it took me decades to understand that she was the mastermind behind it all. My brother and I are 55 and 59 respectively. Our oldest brother, her golden, still lives with her. He'll be 60 this year, and never launched because she did what she could to keep him around, which amounted to encouraging his addictions. The two of them are basically Grey Gardens. Our mother is 83. Trust me, age does not diminish the narcissism or the desire to destroy.
How you explain the smear campaign is exactly what i have gone through . I never once thought the punishment the smear campaign delivered to me could be so damaging and life changing . It has left me living life with a serious desire to end it .
This is a daily struggle for me . When I see the smear campaigner ( my ex who I left after 27 years of severe abuse ) I feel physically sick .
Hang in there, generally they do back off after finding a new victim. But the damage has probably been done with friends/family. If you are strong enough, move away, start a new life, a fresh start.
Me too...
Sal: My heart goes out to you as I read your post tonight. The narc who cannot control you attempts to control how others see you through the smear campaign. It is very difficult if people believe them…The results of the smear campaign will let you see who your REAL friends are. I am praying for you.
@@sal13luckyforme Sal: I know it’s unbearable to endure a smearing! People are generally uneducated about a situation with an abusive person you have to live with! I got out of my recent narcissistic marriage rather quickly because of the “damage” I incurred from a previous narcissistic relationship. I would encourage you to seek help with a therapist who knows about narcissistic abuse! There are people who care…and the ones who believe the smear campaigner are not the good ones! Those of us who have been through this experience with narcissistic individuals believe you! …..and care that get back to feeling better.
I love that you say "grown ass adults" . I was blessed to have a friend at the beginning of a smear campaign who ignored the weird text and immediately called me and read the text to me.
My most intense smear campaigner was my father, who had told me for years he was going to kill my stepfather, and when I finally told him I didn't want to hear it anymore and maybe he should talk to a therapist, he quickly started talking to everyone in the family to go on offense, to discredited me, in case I shared the secret.
Great timing! I have to go into a den of bullies on Friday for an unavoidable family function. I was bullied by my stepfather then at school. Several years later, stepfather is passed, younger brother and older brother picked up the mantra. They make fun of my hair, my age....I'm 63. One's 57. One's 71. I'm so over them.
😬Is it really unavoidable? I ask with care. It's such BS that these adults will still pick on their peers/ siblings like immature children!
@katrina3560 my son's wedding...
@@suzymagan7575 unavoidable indeed. I send you stoic strength to completely ignore any negativity. Congratulations to your son. I hope it is a joyous occasion 🤍
@@suzymagan7575 🤍unavoidable indeed.
I hope for your and your sons sake, your brothers 🤐 Congratulations to your son and you, Mama.
@@suzymagan7575 , When I was in your position, I sought out the people who I felt comfortable with, and avoided the ones who were immature bullying types with irritating personalities. It was clear that the bullies were feeling snubbed by me. I didn't care. I even managed to enjoy the day! I hope you'll have a good time at your son's wedding! Attend in a spirit of celebration for HIM and his bride. Try to forget the others!🙏🏼🥂❤🙂
This was pure gold DR Ramani, Thank you so much for this, Speaks volumes, Describes these two hiding in the shadows, Covertly humiliate and show humility, It don't match, It's complete bollocks, you two eat truth , Eat crow, Peace, love and respect to you and everyone, Thank you universe, All glory praise and smiles to the most high ;-)
This is so useful past and present in many ways .thank you.
Covert narcissistic rage is insidious.
It's downright scary
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her..
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?
Her name is Shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
YOU HAVE TO FIND YOURSELF BEFORE YOU CAN FIND SOMEONE ELSE
I watched a documentary about bullying several years ago. It was made by the family of a young child who committed suicide after some horrendous bullying at school. I SOBBED my way through thst film. It was Gut Wrenching. The Title said it all " Bully "
Dr Ramani you are so right, the smear campaign is the worst. Each of your points is exactly what he's done and I'm afraid he will do again. love your channel.
Wow the section on smear campaigns really hit. On the bright side, it really shows you who the wise people you can trust are.
For me, it's Zero people.
It's not punishment it's torture
Thank You again! The most painful when those people whom You trusted turns against You... And You try to be vocal even to the Boss trying to tell her: bullying is not right...! I trusted that boss and the system. Then they collect the flying monkeys (some of them i thought were friends of mine) And they start doing these exact things You've mentioned. They even start to destroy your reputation for their pleasure. I quit that workplace...then realize the neighbor's behaving the same way who was brought up by narcissistic family...after i left my job... the neighbor's doing these same patterns with me... pretending to be a friend on the other hand somehow she breaks into my account, computer and somehow my wifi router was hacked by her and so on... It's cruel.... and really draining...
Dr Romani you’re looking great and your recent post have been so much more positive thank you !
My boss is a narcissist and abusive, and being a new parent on top of that is really driving me crazy. I have a supportive husband and have considered quitting severally. Are there ways for someone like me to earn a decent income while working from home?
Sorry you have to go through this❤❤
Must be tough balancing new parenthood with a toxic job and a difficult boss... A couple of years ago, I faced something similar and decided to focus on opportunities that were less detrimental to my mental health... Now, I make over 10k a month from home! If you have skills in writing, graphic design, or web development, consider freelancing. Also, consider stocks but ensure you use a financial expert in the earlier stages to avoid mistakes... I do both, freelancing keeps me busy while the other brings in the bulk of my earnings but more passively...
Dont want to quit my job or anything like that,, but I have been considering the stocks thing for sometime now,, heard its a nice way to get some extra funds. Do you have an FA guy you can recommend or anybody like that
@@PriyaKrshna234 Mine is a woman... Kelly Matwick. She's not so popular but you might have heard of her
it is really a small world. She and a colleagues were at this seminar we held at my office few weeks back. had to go to her page to confirm that I wasn't mistaken. nice!
What's trippy, is that even though I estranged myself from my family decades ago as the scapegoat, when I ended up in touch with nieces and nephews I had not seen since they were toddlers because of my parents probate, they had been taught that I was responsible for the family's problems, including theirs as adults in their 30's and 40's. And none of them had left the dysfunctional family, or if they did, they returned to it.
So freaky, and I had left as soon as I turned 18, while still in high school, sleeping on friend's couches. Literally over 40 years previously.
Lots of suicide in my family. I always felt like such an alien. It's actually amazing I had the strength to leave, but I felt almost in danger for my life.
Ironically, I guess the fact that they made me responsible for everything made me resourceful enough to leave. I oddly did feel confident, even at barely 18, that I could figure out how to survive away from them. Weirdly, none of the other siblings had that capacity.
My dad the bully inappropriate remarks and beating the heck out of my brothers. Inappropriate behaviors ( talk) 14:13 14:13 I had to unlearn. My oldest brother use to earn money in high school to beat up the bullies. He was called scotto. He was a very loving and intelligent guy. But drank himself to an early grave. He never had children. And always told me you reap what you sow. I never could stand bullies even to this day! Majority of them are narcissistic cowards!
Sounds like my family. A bullshit childhood makes it difficult to have healthy decent relationships. Then THEY judge you for the damage they caused.
Being called out by a bully to an afterschool fight was bad enough, but having to ride home with them on the same bus was terrifying.
I didn't realize it was bullying until this last year. It's been going on all my life. It sure affected my nervous system, though!
Mine too, and it takes weeks to get it to baseline. I stopped calling, stopped asking them to have anything to do with me.
The silence for a month after I expressed very nicely that my feelings were hurt was the last straw.
I'm too old for childish games and have no desire to play them.
Not going to Christmas this year, to play happy family for a few hours and then they can ignore me and my kids for the rest of the year.
Take the inheritance and spend it all, or give it to my siblings. It's simply not worth being treated like crap for it.
I can't be bought
My older passive-aggres
sive stepsister used to talk unendingly on the phone and when I finally tried to talk to her about something happening in my life, she would strategically say, "I don't mean to cut you off but I have to get something in the mail and would abruptly end the call. When I'd ask her to call me back later, she wouldn't. I soon realized our phone calls were primarily about me listening to her; there was no give and take, no reciprocity. She would dominate and monopolize the calls with the same 'monologue' every time. It made me think it was symptomatic of maybe narcissism, bi-polar, or early onset dementia.
With each call it got worse and she became less and less of the person I had known her to be. She would go on with the same stories she had told me numerous times before as if she had no memory of it. It was like trying to talk to a recording. Very sad...I so missed her and it felt like she was just intellectually drifting away and had lost the self- awareness and ability to monitor any semblance of balance in our calls. She is in her 80's now and the last call I had with her, I made it a point to tell her that I loved her. She responded with suspicion and paranoia; and tersely said, "What do you WANT from ME?" I had never in all my years asked her for one red cent nor shown up at her front door asking her for a place to live so that inappropriate comment hurt me deeply and I haven't spoken to her since.
Rather than absorb it, I realize that some of us happen to have very dysfunctional families. It's something we have to recognize, accept and take into account. It is not our fault, we are not to blame, and we should not internalize it.
It is a hurt that is unfortunate. It is an estrangement that many suffer, not just me.
When I got beat up in 8th grade, my father had these long talks (after he grounded me) to find out "what was wrong with me".
Oh no I hate that
Bullying isn't going away, it's been around since the beginning of time. The only chance against bullying, is making Vigilantism legal. Then you'll see them think twice before picking on someone, when there's consequences.
True, but since vigilantism is illegal, bullying will persist
People need to first get over the idea that we're all automatically just too stupid & immoral to be capable of governing ourselves, & that somehow therefore giving ALL the power over to a tiny handful of what consistently turns out to be the worst among us, even begins to make sense on _ANY_ level. Then they need to get over the idea that every time these megalomaniacs make some scribbles on paper & call it "law" (regardless of the content of those scribbles) the rest of us peons better be quick to want to know how high we ought to be jumping now. (That's often somewhere round about the stratosphere, but we've all been collectively jumping so high for so long, we just don't even know any more, we think it's 'normal', just as in every other trauma bonded situation.) I don't even want to get into the fact that those are endlessly migratory goalposts, & the bog of sewage we are meant to wade through in order to figure any of it out does nothing but get deeper. Hell I'm certain that bog was at least a couple hundred feet taller than my head just when I came into this world, let alone that we're 50+ years on from that now.
Edit: Funny, at 13:29 Dr Ramani talks about "It's a lot harder to get our heads around the idea that an entire *system* can be bullying." Ya don't say.
Yeah right. They'll just continue to speak against bullying while denying victims and empowering the bullies, particularly in schools. No accountability in America. Buck stops... somewhere down the road, hopefully 😢
Vigilantism? You mean lynch justice? How would that help? How would that prevent bullies from becoming even more powerful?
This concept is exactly why the upcoming presidency is so dangerous
Nobody is stopping them. I need out and away from it all, and I need protection orders or something in writing saying they can't come back in my life and continue doing this. Unfortunately, the responsibility falls on the person or people who are trapped by this system to get out by themselves and that's not realistic or possible.
Daddy dearest…Malignant narcissist.
At least old school bullies had to confront you I'm person .... online bullying is so much worse and cowardly !!!
My mother would stop talking to me, and I never knew why. If I asked her what was wrong, she would say, "you know." Has anyone else experienced this?
This is called silent treatment followed by passive aggressive comments. Yes it's a common tactic
I am guessing you failed to act as humble and grateful servant to her Queen of the Universe script. That's usually what does it in these parts.
That comes out when the guilt tripping fails to land on target.
Yep, my narc mom used to take me to downtown walking faster than me so I had to run after her, I was twelve, we entered this restaurant she ate pizza in front of me, did not invite me to eat or sit. I kept standing and starving. No words.
That is truly wicked!
Wow! I’m so sorry!
Ahh bed wetting I remember that period after years of living with angry rubbish parents glad it wasn't just me.
When I was a child… My experience of being bullied in school was. These people where crazy because I didn’t know them but they knew me by my likable reputation by everyone., which I was unaware I’m friends w/girls and guys…When the person came toward me saying “I don’t like you” and I didn’t know who this person is… so I say… I don’t know you which made the person mad 😠. So after that experience made me aware of people and their behavior. So when my spirit give me that feeling around people and my intuition appears and i observe to proceed w/caution until I see it for what it really is. #decernment., I forgive but, I’m of age and still use this tactics because people are crazy 🤪 #unbothered because I don’t do toxicity behavior it interferes w/my peace. An extended family member posted via txt then social media a passive aggressive comment and I replied it back to them… it was taken down. They thought the knew me but don’t know me or what I really know which is a lot but, I mind my business but don’t try me #periodT😛
What's REALLY Scary is the Narcissistic Vindictiveness takes on a malevalent hidden character and the narc often Strikes from behind the scenes making it harder to prove and giving outsiders the impression you are being " paranoid", " Overreacting" or " being just too sensitive " . Really Scary stuff !
I’ll listen through this one many, many times for the validation. These bullying systems go way beyond the family / school. And if the only refuge is therapy … think about what happens if that kind of victimization ends up on your chart.
I met someone in March and within 3 months of this courtship he was cheating on me as he was a sex addict... After 3 months of break up I found out that he was doing vodoo on me and all sort of death spells, sex spells with the maid of his homestay with whom he was sleeping with and called me unstable for calling him out on his behavior.. He also went to police to file a false case against me... U r absolutely right.. I was lucky to move away from that place and after 15 days he broke up with me by public humiliation saying stuffs over phone which was all made up making sure that people around listen and also to control my behavior.. But rather running back I accepted who he is, healed and now I understand what kind of dangerous situation I was in
I suspect he just set you up to just think you were exclusive. Meanwhile, he continued playing the field.
Here is why I do not buy the 'sex addict' (cheater) excuse - he has a hand.
Thank you again, Dr. Ramani ✨️🙏✨️
In my experience, even if they would dissappear from your life completely...someone else will show up and continue "the process" or we internalise the abuse and start bullying our selves...until we have finally done the whole healing journey....😢
It's (/been) a long harsh road, but we're all getting there
✨️🐛💝🙏💝🦋✨️
Dr Ramani, thank you so so much for your content 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉 your content has been really significant in my healing journey 🎉🎉 Thank you for giving us this content
At school i was bullied almost immediately by some children, first time i was hit in my backpack on my back by a boy, I didnt know why, then i was teased because of my long hard to pronouonce surname, then i was bullied because of my nose shape. School is forever a place of discomfort for me. Sadly, at home it was a continuation of bullying and discomfort.
Don’t feel it was about appearance-it really never is--I was a very beautiful child and horribly bullied. I was very shy and quiet. I guess that’s all it takes.
I think people have a hard time believing the vindictiveness because normal people don't seek vengeance - it seems like something that would only happen in the movies, especially the more extreme it gets. I couldn't believe someone I knew could do this, until I experienced it myself, twice. I was blessed that people let me know what was being said behind my back. When I am tempted to think maybe these people did not treat me so badly and want to let my guard down, I remember what was said behind my back and keep it superficial.
I agree. We get upset and angry and want to sort things out, they get vindictive. It's impossible because you end up not being able to say anything! If you're happy and doing well they're jealous, if we are upset with them in any way, they're vindictive. My mother is vindictive and will do it when im at my lowest ebb! It's so cruel because it's meant to hurt. When I've been angry and upset with her im not trying to deliberately hurt, but they are and that to me is the difference. She even accused me of something awful that I never did! A false memory while she was on morphine for surgical pain.
I didnt get bullied at school, but i did at home
The Internet is inundated with descriptions of the problem. Please prepare more solutions. By constantly describing the narc , you only empower the narcissist .
This video really helped me.
I have a story with a happy end.
I had a bully in Jr. High who I watched grow as a person in High School. So much so that later in life we became casual Facebook friends.
When I saw that he actually achieved becoming a counselor, I wrote to him. I told him that when I reflect on my bullies due to television or movies, he is sadly on that list. That part was relatively short. I went on to say that his personal growth did not go unnoticed and I was proud of him; glad he turned out to be an amazing person who chose to be actively helping others.
I hadn't known what to expect but he wrote back. He didn't remember bullying me but that he was sure I was being truthful. He apologized and said he hates that he used to be the type who would do that. Also, strangely, another person had recently reminded him that he used to bully them as well. He validated my feelings and experiences and shared that he too was actually bullied in elementary school. He was so glad I reached out and he was given the chance to take his past to heart and apologize.
It was more than I ever expected and really meant a lot that he took responsibility.
Most people who are bullied never get this sort of kindness from an old bully. Just felt compelled to share. ^__^
Thank you Dr. Ramani!! My former boss is the worst narcissist the most cowardly person I’ve seen in my life. But he still maintains good rapport with some and survives in the organization. I wonder how they do that…
17:33 OMG... My ex narc did ALL of these things, both overt AND passive aggressive! And as a result I felt ALL of these things every day. It was a nightmare and so confusing... Thank you for helping me understand!! 💖🙏💖
It was my experience too, they switch it up, keep you not knowing what to expect.
People don't get when they see kids in these systems, those kids can be happy smiling having fun and look good in photos. Kids do that when something nice happens, they're not aware of the insidious damage happening to them with this push pull dynamic of raging or passive aggression last week and now on trip this week. Kids adapt and believe the good stuff whilst they're being psychologically and emotionally shredded. Most adults would walk away because of the bad stuff, kids can't and they don't understand, so they love their parents and take on the bad as being them, a part of them, and their fault. That's why it's so damaging and long lasting. That intermittent reinforcement screws them up, how they think, feel, behave and how their life pans out. Self sabotage, I'll health, mental health, toxic relationships, all because they've been taught that they're at fault. I find that unforgivable. ✌
I just read about "Dry Begging"; can you please elaborate on dry begging?
My ex hasn't stop with the smear campaigne's. He's doing everything in his power to ruin me in every way.
I'm a survivor (68yrs) and it got worse as my empathetic mother was dying. The bullying was directed at myself and our mother. To watch them explode and their masks fall is truly and profoundly sad. I was their target again but this time it was a hole new level. The anger / jealousy/ hate ,noted. What they did is inexcusable and now the leagl system will judge their actions. I am a survior of abuse and I will be heard.
🚽🚽🚽AM I the only one here getting triggered by Diddy and his demonic reign? All of them!
Huw Edwards is for me
Yeah it is not just Diddy. He's the fall guy 😅
@@runswithraptors he raped children
My mother once called my boss and told him to fire me, because I was stealing. Financial and inventory records proved her a liar. Additionally, my boss heard rumors about her, since he lived in the same neighborhood where I’d grown up.
He called me for an appointment, I and I was sure I was going to get fired. When he told me of her actions, I knew her vindictiveness was at play. I knew at that point to never trust her on any level again.
I am so grateful that boss didn’t believe her, checked records and told her off. I’m also grateful that his kids also defended me. What mother does that to their child?
Only a narcissistic mother would pull that on her adult child
My dad was always always kind to people who were bullied. I always hated kids being left out. Many years later I am listening to you realising my mom bullied my dad and we were her flying monkeys. Since my dad passed at 60 his role has been passed on to me and my sisters are still the monkeys. At the moment she is actually being quite nice but I don't dare trust her. I feel so many emotions at times including shame I may have picked up some of her habits. When my sisters did not want to listen to me they just tell me to stop shouting even when I wasn't. I hate my mom for what she has done to a perfectly beautiful family.
I think Little Shaman mentioned something to the effect of the major bully in a narcissistic family, not necessarily being the one you think and I may have seen this, in my family. That, all the malignant narcissist needs, is someone, like my covert narcissistic mother, to insidiously encourage and develop a malignant narcissist’s rage against a sibling like me, who they’ve hated since childhood and it’s like putting The Hulk on crack and they feel very righteous, because they got the nod they waited for, all their life, from a parent that only, suddenly cares about them, because they’ve decided to scapegoat the golden child instead.
One of the tiring things about this type of scenario, is that outsiders call this “plain old sibling rivalry”. Siblings vying for the love and attention of a parent. No it isn’t. This is parental triangulation. This is a parent, pitting their children against one another, like cocks, in a cock fight, tearing each other to shreds, hoping at least one gets killed. Why? In my case, I believe it’s because my mother saw the birth of both of us, as her downfall.