It’s essential. The intergenerational trauma that gets handed down is particularly hard on boys as they are not allowed to process their emotions as children. It’s very damaging for future relationships. It’s important to understand you can be stoic, while being emotionally available - that’s the mark of a secure healthy adult of either gender. Emotional control is also being able to understand emotional needs and healthy emotional expression.
I think Theo’s shame comes from coming up poor. I battled that for years and when I realized where it came from, it kind of got easier. He’s very intuitive, and that comes from the same place, so in the long run, the same problem gave him his strengths. Early exposure to existential crises just forces you to get the spiritual aspects of yourself squared away first, which is actually beneficial in the pursuit of enlightenment. Look where Theo is now! He’s truckin down the road pretty good. Not to mention, he’s probably the best podcaster out there. I have typed out fucking manifestos in his comments bc he has really changed my life, but then I deleted them bc I didn’t want the world to know all my shit. Love you Theo.
Same man, I remember being in elementary and feeling so embarrassed if someone found out I lived in a trailer park. Now that I’m older I can say a trailer is more than a lot people can afford. I may not have had the most but now looking back I definitely didn’t have the least. Years later I found out some of my classmates were orphans and some other unfortunately homeless but they’d still show up to school everyday with a smile. Goes to show you.. when you become wiser you understand that your thoughts really do make your reality.
All human life is precious. He’s a great human. Right and wrong are thrown out when harm is done to all humans from any group who just want to grow up in peace and go to school the next morning.
Oh man, i feel you. I just started listening to this and i am not even sure who you are, although I’ve seen short vids with you on my UA-cam. But I completely get that feeling- that self loathing that even after years and years of healing, I can still see remnants hanging around at times. And people do not understand all the painful gut-wrenching feelings that arise even in sharing something like this- especially publicly. I hope you are able to completely obliterate this from feeling from your entire mind, soul and body!
Wow, that hit me like a brick. Thank you for the new perspective. I think so many people can find value in Theo's interviews-so real and powerful. Being made to feel ashamed as a child stays with you for life.
Theo , I can really relate to your feelings of shame. Thank you so much for sharing this conversation. It brings about so much learning and growth and acceptance of ourselves
Therapists talk about the "dead rat" when it comes to core shame. They say it is the look that the child receives from the abusive parent. It is a look of disgust on their face towards the child, a look of disdain, like the parent has smelled rotting flesh. I totally understand what Theo described about his core shame and low self-worth. My "mother" was affectionless and mean-spirited. She mentioned many times when I was a child how I had interrupted her promising sports career, by being born. This creates a core sense of guilt, which psychologists call "existential guilt", guilt for merely existing, feeling unwanted, like an undeserving burden. Guilt and shame for even having a body, and having needs like food and care. You feel like you have perpetually done something wrong, that you ARE wrong. My 'mother" picked on me and bullied me, she chose me to be the family scapegoat, the lowest member in her artificial family hierarchy, with her positioned at the top as the "queen". Her needs were deemed most important and expected everyone to cater to her demands. After many difficult and confusing years, I have cut her out of my life, even though Im 50 years old, she would still try to uphold this hierarchy when I was in her company and continue the same dynamic from childhood. She will never stop, or change. She is dead to me, I wont even attend her funeral. Merely giving birth doesnt make a woman a mother, actually being a mother does. A narcissistic "mother" is only a mother in title, never in deed.
I feel you. I’ve recently started referring to her as my abuser/mother which is much more accurate for me and doing so has helped me make better decisions towards healing these deep wounds.
@@maychang3995 Yes we have to mourn the mother we never actually had. I refer to my "mother" by her given name now, if ever she comes up in conversation.
"They say it is the look that the child receives"...The first time I read this a few years ago, I instantly remembered the look and felt it all, all over again, and so many things became clear to me. There's a book by Allice Miller, Drama of the gifted child, search for it. Also, I understand (oh I do) that you need to build walls and protect yourself, but sooner or later you'll have to forgive, completely forgive. I know how hard it is to understand but, believe it or not, it's not your mom's fault. She was also deeply traumatized as a kid, no doubt, and grew up to become the way she was. Her responsibility of course but not the fault. Or yes her fault as well, but anyway, you have to find the way to forgive, because of yourself.
@@Dalabombana Will be healing from it until the day I die, the impact is so deep because it started from so young and continued for so long. Thanks for your kind words.
I have gabor mate’s book on audible. Ive listened to multiple podcasts featuring interviews with him. Everything I’ve ever watched is his … I can’t finish. I can’t finish his book or his interviews because the REALNESS of his outlook hits me too hard. He’s so correct, so right in the truth that it’s too much reality for me to bear.
Thank you so much for real people who dare to be vunarable. I have so much faith in humanity because of guys like you. It teaches me that it is ok to be vunarable. It is even a must if I want to grow, but it is still a bit scary. A beautiful little talk about shame and selfcompassion. Thank you.
The fact that parents even allow shame to be part of a conversation, or they ever dare try to shame a child tells you that they're living in shame. Cuz you would never want to transfer that emotion to another human being if you truly loved yourself. And if you truly loved yourself you would transmute that shame to a higher vibration of motion after forgiving and loving the self, unconditionally, before attempting to transfer it to another. we are energetic beings, and the vibrational frequency of the intensity of the emotions are what bring things to us and create our entire world around us, as well as the physical health Within us... same is the most destructive so allowing it to flow through us and then releasing it is key, and then consciously choosing a high vibrational emotion, rather than letting it get stuck within us❤ when it's stuck within us we attempt to offload it onto another because it doesn't belong in the body so hurt people hurt people and if we don't do our healing, we harm others. But most parents certainly don't know enough to do their own inner work before they decide to have children.😢
God I really relate to Theo. I also had an old Dad like him and grew up in a poor family with a lot of shame resulting from this. 37 and still struggling with it, it’s ruined every romantic relationship I’ve ever had and I’m alone again feeling hopeless. Working through it in therapy and just discovered Gabor Mate and it’s providing me some hope maybe I can fix it
been through some long hopeless stretches myself...but you are on this quest, you survived, you will find healing. I've been at it for decades and feel more grounded than I thought possible, and more compassion for myself and just something like well-being, an experience I never had before. wishing you all the best, you are brave and will get better.
Thank you for your kind and thoughtful replies. I just logged into my account and saw I had some comments here. Often the internet is a rough place but these two replies were like hearing from caring friends. I’m doing better since I wrote that, going to therapy and trying to spend time with people I love. I feel like I have the embers of positive momentum lit now, I desperately don’t want it to go out again
@ embers of positive momentum lit is so poetic only someone really on a positive path could write it. Im glad to hear it, if only all these internet strangers were nicer to eachother right…
Narc mom rageaholic dad.. i was continually shamed for my body, my feelings.. everything about me. The shame had me questioning why do people do the things they do..always fascinated by the workings of the mind.. Questioning everything.. especially authority...it also made me a life long learner, The negative affect it had on me was i was bad, wrong, didn't have the right to exist, i didn't matter.. and needed to be fixed.. pursued "healing" early on in my life late 20s..any and all modalities.. now 73.. have health issues yet do believe the body can heal itself.. dealing with my childhood trauma ... what if there's nothing to fix.. that i'm okay..this gave me the freedom to just be me.
Man... as someone who mainly knows Theo through him being a comedic guest on podcasts, I would never have guessed he's someone who's felt such deep shame and insecurities in his life. I always assumed he was a very free, happy-go-lucky guy who couldn't ever be bothered by anything. I really viewed him that way. Just goes to show how much you know about people from a distance
I am somewhat aware of my drives and the kinks in my mind from childhood which wasn’t all that bad but there was lots of silence. These topics in here help me prevent passing it along unnoticed. Awareness is the first step, intention is the next. Communication is absolutely critical. It allows us to unwind minor damage, and allows us to be seen. Discussion must be a focus for any parent. Openly discussing things is the human super power
I'm a 50-year-old Australian woman and I love Theo, he's cool. He's a much-needed ally of/and role model for men. I dig his assortment of guests, and he lets everyone talk. Mostly commenting for algorithms
@Theo, thank you for being so candid & open about expressing yourself freely, it is very refreshing to see that, and it resonates very much what you bring up to the surface from the depths of one's inner caverns of gloom lol :) 🤍 More Gabor please 🙏 You should invite Tim Fletcher & Bessel van Der Kolk, I think they bring up a lot on Complex -PTSD (C-PTSD)
I struggle with shame and being easily embarrassed and I had a good family, I'm successful and good looking. I have a brother that's 5 years older who had a lot of anger towards me growing up for whatever reason. He's the only person I can think of that routinely put me down.
I wish all young people could be told - as soon as they can understand words - that adult humans often suck ass lol. This would help children understand and grow in a healthy way ❤
Those kids grow into angry adults and push good people away just like their parents did to them. Eventually they are depressed and the anger doesn’t work as a cope anymore, and they turn inwards on themselves and self-destruct. You don’t need to ask me who the 3rd person “they” are do you.
Boom exactly we are what we believe right so therefore he was taught that possibly even before maybe he could even put sentences together that breaks my heart because I have grandchildren now at like yes I'm I'm 40 but yeah I have two grandkids and my 4-year-old 1 year old I always liked uplift them and speak and I did that to my kids as well
I think I was 15 or 16 when I told my best friend "I have a broken record in my head that plays every hurtful thing my parents have said to me" I'm 51 now. I can't remember when that inner critic became my own voice but I'm trying hard to change the things I say to myself.
This wasn’t explained the way it should have been. We form shame on ourselves as children because the relationship we have with our parents as very young children is our foundation of self worth. If parents lack due to trauma of some sort……that trickles down to the child’s forming self esteem. A child’s environment and quality of parenting affects us until the day we die.
What sucks is that even if those ppl that created that shame told you “none of it was true, I was just using you as my outlet to release my own feelings about other things and myself” it’s too late, damage was done; I still believe you cuz I TOO see what you meant, I’m sure you still do too even though you still might not completely agree w it
Any advice for somebody stuck in constant disassociation from trauma?? I also have days where I'm in derealization and everything looks wrong and I feel freaked out being in my body, as if it's not actually mine
This is very unofficial advice, but perhaps when you notice yourself looking at the body as if it’s not your own, just ask yourself- what would someone who unconditionally loves this body do? ❤
Hi there! what helped me was to talk about it, having practices that helped calm my nervous system. I do this thing where i lay on the floor with my eyes closed and feel the floor supporting my body and somehow it makes me feel connected to my body and heavy. I know its really hard to do at first but try to not hyper fixate on the symptoms of what you feel in your body as it intensifies the fear that is already awakened and doesnt help with the dissociation… remember your body is doing what it can to protect you at the moment. Almost as a shield. Whether its protecting you from painful memories or emotions, allow it do run its course while supporting your nervous system, i promise it gets better once you let it be and see it as a protection and not anything permanent. Seek therapy if possible that really helped me… I hope this helps… sending love.
Hey theo ,and friends thank you so much for the transparency. I have this problem very badly but I never leave only for vetting. Unfortunately, doctors cause I'm sick. I cannot believe how I look it even ruined my relationship on my fiance, leaving me. I hide in COVID with easy for me and I'm still hiding. I wanna blend in never stand out❤❤❤❤ya long time fan yr wonderful as f ! My very first thought process was embarrassment shyness in shame am I look repulsive i don't like my doctor he didn't even help me so I need to find a new one but it's been forty years of fellng the same thing.
The bad news is you are going to be whatever you keep telling yourself. Good news: you are going to be whatever you keep telling yourself. Start telling yourself that you are beautiful & worthy. Remind yourself to be grateful if you have eyes that see & legs that are able to support your body. Above everything else, alway remember that there’s nothing more important than what YOU keep telling yourself.
Just had a video recommendation from this channel, where Tony Robbins helps Theo with his Low Self-esteem. 13 minutes & over 5,000 comments, none of which are negative.
lmao i happened to conclude the first one, i have always thought adults are stupid af, which now i can see they are, but they still have a helpful bliss, so rather than feeling shame, felt anger towards any incompetent adult and felt compassion towards ppl on my generation and below, im 25
Toxic shame is the root of all addiction. It is the source of all maladaptive subconscious programs. See me for clearing and rewiring these maladaptive subconscious programs.
Everyone experiences shame to some degree because we are all incredibly traumatized due to living in such opposition to our nature. Think about it. Shame is a byproduct of repression of certain traits and characteristics because we have been conditioned to believe those traits and characteristics are unacceptable. How is it possible that humans in a civilized world, where we cannot live in alignment with our nature, cannot be filled with shame. Of course, there are people who experience more personal trauma and develop more shame, I guess, because of that, but absolutely everyone does have shame. What has helped me is to recognize what a human being is, how we are hardwired to live, and the fact that we cannot live that way in a civilized world. When I notice myself experiencing schadenfreude because some rich person lost their job, it’s not because I’m a bad person. It’s because humans are wired for collectivism. I also understand that having more money makes people feel more fearful and more empty than happy. If I hate working in the modern sense, I understand that it’s not because I’m just a lazy bum, but rather, because humans aren’t supposed to work the way modern humans do. This allows me to have so much more compassion for myself and everyone else. Shame is the belief that “I am bad”, while guilt is about feeling that something you did was harmful in some way. Guilt serves a very valuable purpose, which is to allow us to learn from “mistakes”, but if we are full of shame, and we cannot separate the deed from the deed doer, we won’t experience guilt, because it is too painful to acknowledge any “mistakes” we have made. If by acknowledging that I hurt you, I must also accept that I’m a horrible human being, well, that’s just a position people cannot handle. Not consciously anyway. Now, because we all have shame, we all feel, unconsciously, that we are horrible. That we are the most evil, vile creature that has ever walked the planet. We are human beings forced to live up to the standards of a god that exists only in our minds. I can’t think of an experience that would be closer to hell for a human being. It’s actually insane how much we expect from ourselves and each other, and when you combine that with our inherent, deep need for social acceptance and connection, yeah, it’s absolutely hell.
Could it be that shame of self comes the moment we gain knowledge/perception of what’s right and wrong, good and evil, the dirty and the pure? Story of Adam and Eve anybody?
A little bit of shame is a good thing. Like when it comes to disappointing God, though we are able to reconcile ourselves to Him through repentance and the narrow path. Contrast that to an episode of SWU where a porn actress' whole interview was about overcoming shame and how there was nothing wrong with continuing her porn career. Talk about not understanding the whole picture. How many men have you hurt with your porn product? How much innocence have you taken prematurely? What addictions are you helping to feed? A little bit of healthy shame is not the problem, contrary to what modern psychology will have you believe.
On the one hand, I get that shame is more on the level of being a "bad person" vs guilt as "doing something wrong", though IMHO, it seems that too often the Field of Psychology is caught in over-correction or perhaps cowardice in not saying, for example, that someone CAN be a sh*t in how they act, mistreat, behave. But, no, the emphasis is on not calling a spade a spade, ironically. Which confuses me to continually. I do NOT want to unwittingly enable more toxic shame into my life, yet wonder if there is a good sense of shame. Depending on what one has done. If they have committed a serious crime, let's take Bernie Madoff for example, isn't it entirely appropriate, given the profound gravity of damage / trauma he caused people's lives, to say "He's a sh*t for lying, cheating, stealing untold $$$ from people"? Maybe Mate would agree with it in terms of nuance, but not the fundamental definition one would believe of themselves as a human being. I don't hear the nuance nearly enough, though.
You’re referring to just shame. As it stands - psychologists - have the basic understanding of both positive and negative effects of it. He’s referring to when an individual becomes shame-prone which is not healthy. Which sounds obvious but people don’t always know that their brain is prone to something because it’s how they’ve conditioned their brains (or been conditioned) and it takes someone else (for example Dr Mate) to point it out. That’s why you see so so many revelations in the comment section. If that makes sense? … my response is a tad rushed sorry but I do understand your point. Although, I do think it’s subjective that you don’t hear enough of it… I most certainly have. I mean, even just read the Bible lol. As he said at the end “some would but most wouldn’t”
No it ain't. Shame is toxic and controlling. It says it wants to prevent you from getting hurt but all it does is stop you from reaching out and getting genuine help and relationships. It keeps you sitting on the high horse of your own mistakes unable to admit them.
Yes. You are right. Shame is actually the physiological desire to hide oneself, the driver is to find safety, to regulate the CNS. All negative emotions are drivers to find safety, to regulate.
Theo, I respect you for having these important guests.
Me too.
I'm not a touchy feely dude, but I sure am happy that these kinds of conversations are more common among men.
It’s essential. The intergenerational trauma that gets handed down is particularly hard on boys as they are not allowed to process their emotions as children. It’s very damaging for future relationships. It’s important to understand you can be stoic, while being emotionally available - that’s the mark of a secure healthy adult of either gender. Emotional control is also being able to understand emotional needs and healthy emotional expression.
i wish dr gabor mate was my therapist.
Seriously. I wish I could find a therapist like him…
Facts
I feel like Peterson is the therapist I want but Mate is the therapist I need.
@@spoopy-gho5t he has a bunch of therapists that trained under him!! google it and there are providers accepting new patients!
So do I!!!!
Theo you are a very special interviewer. I LOVE your questions and how you present them just like we would ask.
You are always fresh and interesting.
Gabor Mate is a treasure. I’m very glad I got to briefly meet him once. A wonderful, brilliant man. Great guest!
"Yes, its too big" lol
LOL! dude yeah. I yelled.
leave it to Theo 😂
Oh my 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I watched this part over and over and over again 😂
This is a great conversation. Really appreciate the authenticity
Theo is brave. Thanks, man, for opening up
I think Theo’s shame comes from coming up poor. I battled that for years and when I realized where it came from, it kind of got easier. He’s very intuitive, and that comes from the same place, so in the long run, the same problem gave him his strengths. Early exposure to existential crises just forces you to get the spiritual aspects of yourself squared away first, which is actually beneficial in the pursuit of enlightenment. Look where Theo is now! He’s truckin down the road pretty good. Not to mention, he’s probably the best podcaster out there. I have typed out fucking manifestos in his comments bc he has really changed my life, but then I deleted them bc I didn’t want the world
to know all my shit. Love you Theo.
Same man, I remember being in elementary and feeling so embarrassed if someone found out I lived in a trailer park. Now that I’m older I can say a trailer is more than a lot people can afford. I may not have had the most but now looking back I definitely didn’t have the least. Years later I found out some of my classmates were orphans and some other unfortunately homeless but they’d still show up to school everyday with a smile. Goes to show you.. when you become wiser you understand that your thoughts really do make your reality.
poverty is a trauma. so is being a minority. so is fame. often overlooked. everyones trauma is a level 10 for them!
Having a 92 year old dad when you're 7 wouldn't help either.
That was deep. I've felt all that mess. Memories are pouring in.
Dr. Gabor is tremendous.
Shoutout to doc for talking about the kids in Gaza 🙏🏼❤️🇵🇸 5:12
All human life is precious. He’s a great human. Right and wrong are thrown out when harm is done to all humans from any group who just want to grow up in peace and go to school the next morning.
Yes ✊️❤ 🇵🇸
He's a beautiful humanitarian
Love his compassion & wanting to understand from another pov's
It's a shame what Hamas has done to Palestine and how they cause so much loss by hiding behind civilians
Both were vulnerable ❤
Oh man, i feel you. I just started listening to this and i am not even sure who you are, although I’ve seen short vids with you on my UA-cam. But I completely get that feeling- that self loathing that even after years and years of healing, I can still see remnants hanging around at times. And people do not understand all the painful gut-wrenching feelings that arise even in sharing something like this- especially publicly. I hope you are able to completely obliterate this from feeling from your entire mind, soul and body!
Wow, that hit me like a brick. Thank you for the new perspective. I think so many people can find value in Theo's interviews-so real and powerful. Being made to feel ashamed as a child stays with you for life.
Theo , I can really relate to your feelings of shame. Thank you so much for sharing this conversation. It brings about so much learning and growth and acceptance of ourselves
Therapists talk about the "dead rat" when it comes to core shame. They say it is the look that the child receives from the abusive parent. It is a look of disgust on their face towards the child, a look of disdain, like the parent has smelled rotting flesh. I totally understand what Theo described about his core shame and low self-worth. My "mother" was affectionless and mean-spirited. She mentioned many times when I was a child how I had interrupted her promising sports career, by being born. This creates a core sense of guilt, which psychologists call "existential guilt", guilt for merely existing, feeling unwanted, like an undeserving burden. Guilt and shame for even having a body, and having needs like food and care. You feel like you have perpetually done something wrong, that you ARE wrong. My 'mother" picked on me and bullied me, she chose me to be the family scapegoat, the lowest member in her artificial family hierarchy, with her positioned at the top as the "queen". Her needs were deemed most important and expected everyone to cater to her demands. After many difficult and confusing years, I have cut her out of my life, even though Im 50 years old, she would still try to uphold this hierarchy when I was in her company and continue the same dynamic from childhood. She will never stop, or change. She is dead to me, I wont even attend her funeral.
Merely giving birth doesnt make a woman a mother, actually being a mother does. A narcissistic "mother" is only a mother in title, never in deed.
I feel you. I’ve recently started referring to her as my abuser/mother which is much more accurate for me and doing so has helped me make better decisions towards healing these deep wounds.
@@maychang3995 Yes we have to mourn the mother we never actually had. I refer to my "mother" by her given name now, if ever she comes up in conversation.
"They say it is the look that the child receives"...The first time I read this a few years ago, I instantly remembered the look and felt it all, all over again, and so many things became clear to me. There's a book by Allice Miller, Drama of the gifted child, search for it. Also, I understand (oh I do) that you need to build walls and protect yourself, but sooner or later you'll have to forgive, completely forgive. I know how hard it is to understand but, believe it or not, it's not your mom's fault. She was also deeply traumatized as a kid, no doubt, and grew up to become the way she was. Her responsibility of course but not the fault. Or yes her fault as well, but anyway, you have to find the way to forgive, because of yourself.
Im so sorry you had that experience. You deserved so much more. I hope you feel some sense of peace now.
@@Dalabombana Will be healing from it until the day I die, the impact is so deep because it started from so young and continued for so long. Thanks for your kind words.
I feel pride for you Theo.
You can hear that you’re doing the work. ❤
I have gabor mate’s book on audible. Ive listened to multiple podcasts featuring interviews with him.
Everything I’ve ever watched is his … I can’t finish. I can’t finish his book or his interviews because the REALNESS of his outlook hits me too hard. He’s so correct, so right in the truth that it’s too much reality for me to bear.
Theo its dope how your funny asf but also put out this type of content💯
❤thank you for this. Brought tears and so much emotion.
Thank you so much for real people who dare to be vunarable. I have so much faith in humanity because of guys like you. It teaches me that it is ok to be vunarable. It is even a must if I want to grow, but it is still a bit scary. A beautiful little talk about shame and selfcompassion. Thank you.
The fact that parents even allow shame to be part of a conversation, or they ever dare try to shame a child tells you that they're living in shame. Cuz you would never want to transfer that emotion to another human being if you truly loved yourself. And if you truly loved yourself you would transmute that shame to a higher vibration of motion after forgiving and loving the self, unconditionally, before attempting to transfer it to another.
we are energetic beings, and the vibrational frequency of the intensity of the emotions are what bring things to us and create our entire world around us, as well as the physical health Within us... same is the most destructive so allowing it to flow through us and then releasing it is key, and then consciously choosing a high vibrational emotion, rather than letting it get stuck within us❤ when it's stuck within us we attempt to offload it onto another because it doesn't belong in the body so hurt people hurt people and if we don't do our healing, we harm others. But most parents certainly don't know enough to do their own inner work before they decide to have children.😢
Great conversation. This hits me. Lots of love Theo ❤️
God I really relate to Theo. I also had an old Dad like him and grew up in a poor family with a lot of shame resulting from this. 37 and still struggling with it, it’s ruined every romantic relationship I’ve ever had and I’m alone again feeling hopeless. Working through it in therapy and just discovered Gabor Mate and it’s providing me some hope maybe I can fix it
been through some long hopeless stretches myself...but you are on this quest, you survived, you will find healing. I've been at it for decades and feel more grounded than I thought possible, and more compassion for myself and just something like well-being, an experience I never had before. wishing you all the best, you are brave and will get better.
Hope youre doing well bud
Thank you for your kind and thoughtful replies. I just logged into my account and saw I had some comments here. Often the internet is a rough place but these two replies were like hearing from caring friends. I’m doing better since I wrote that, going to therapy and trying to spend time with people I love. I feel like I have the embers of positive momentum lit now, I desperately don’t want it to go out again
@ embers of positive momentum lit is so poetic only someone really on a positive path could write it. Im glad to hear it, if only all these internet strangers were nicer to eachother right…
@@BorisBidjanSaberi11 thanks man I appreciate that. Sending you all the best from Switzerland
I can always relate to everything you say when you describe your feelings and childhood.
Very important topic. Love information and discussion.
I love your podcasts Theo. Thank you.
I was ashamed of what I looked like how poor we were my whole childhood 😢 I understand young man
Narc mom rageaholic dad.. i was continually shamed for my body, my feelings.. everything about me.
The shame had me questioning why do people do the things they do..always fascinated by the workings of the mind..
Questioning everything.. especially authority...it also made me a life long learner,
The negative affect it had on me was i was bad, wrong, didn't have the right to exist, i didn't matter.. and needed to be fixed.. pursued "healing" early on in my life late 20s..any and all modalities.. now 73.. have health issues yet do believe the body can heal itself.. dealing with my childhood trauma ...
what if there's nothing to fix.. that i'm okay..this gave me the freedom to just be me.
Man... as someone who mainly knows Theo through him being a comedic guest on podcasts, I would never have guessed he's someone who's felt such deep shame and insecurities in his life. I always assumed he was a very free, happy-go-lucky guy who couldn't ever be bothered by anything. I really viewed him that way. Just goes to show how much you know about people from a distance
That was brilliant ❤
THEO thank you for making these videos i appreciate them ❤
Such a good interview 💯💯💯
I feel exactly the same and I'm 52! Sheesh. Enough already. Thanks for asking, Theo.
BIG love from San Antonio brother Theo.
Keep crush'n bro!
I love Gabor Mate; it’s very rare for someone to speak the truth❤️🤲
Bless you young man.
Dr Gabor is one of the Best psychologists❤ and a great human❤
This was such a good episode. ❤
I am somewhat aware of my drives and the kinks in my mind from childhood which wasn’t all that bad but there was lots of silence. These topics in here help me prevent passing it along unnoticed. Awareness is the first step, intention is the next. Communication is absolutely critical. It allows us to unwind minor damage, and allows us to be seen. Discussion must be a focus for any parent. Openly discussing things is the human super power
I'm a 50-year-old Australian woman and I love Theo, he's cool. He's a much-needed ally of/and role model for men. I dig his assortment of guests, and he lets everyone talk. Mostly commenting for algorithms
Great video, Thank you 💛
When abuse is all you know, it's not easy to reintegrate into the society of not expecting to be abused.
Super great content.
@Theo, thank you for being so candid & open about expressing yourself freely, it is very refreshing to see that, and it resonates very much what you bring up to the surface from the depths of one's inner caverns of gloom lol :) 🤍
More Gabor please 🙏
You should invite Tim Fletcher & Bessel van Der Kolk, I think they bring up a lot on Complex -PTSD (C-PTSD)
Theo broke down in tears at Gabor’s mention of the kids bombed in Gaza. That was cut from this clip.
This is such a special episode :,)
You're a talented creator, seriously!
❤Great episode. 🌹
I like co-counseling, seems more authentic than therapy.
The strangest pair of Superheroes to live on this planet. I adore them❤❤❤❤
Oh my god my heart is aching
I struggle with shame and being easily embarrassed and I had a good family, I'm successful and good looking. I have a brother that's 5 years older who had a lot of anger towards me growing up for whatever reason. He's the only person I can think of that routinely put me down.
So proud of him telling the world also know kids in Gaza will have this problem more…only the kids who will survive..
“Some would…but most wouldnt”. Yeah , good luck running into and dealing with the some in this category….broken people
I wish all young people could be told - as soon as they can understand words - that adult humans often suck ass lol. This would help children understand and grow in a healthy way ❤
Adults are just bigger children with more life experience.
I tell my kid lol. I tell him ‘everyones an asshole and they love to talk shit’ but not letting that change you is the hard part
I hate to agree with you…but what you’ve said is true. Add: ‘And some of those assholes live in your house.’
Those kids grow into angry adults and push good people away just like their parents did to them. Eventually they are depressed and the anger doesn’t work as a cope anymore, and they turn inwards on themselves and self-destruct. You don’t need to ask me who the 3rd person “they” are do you.
You just get how to make a great video!
Boom exactly we are what we believe right so therefore he was taught that possibly even before maybe he could even put sentences together that breaks my heart because I have grandchildren now at like yes I'm I'm 40 but yeah I have two grandkids and my 4-year-old 1 year old I always liked uplift them and speak and I did that to my kids as well
Feeling shame and feeling ashamed are different
For me its like watching a world series of personalities. I love it.
We love ❤ you Theo ... 🫡
That breaks my heart
I think I was 15 or 16 when I told my best friend "I have a broken record in my head that plays every hurtful thing my parents have said to me"
I'm 51 now. I can't remember when that inner critic became my own voice but I'm trying hard to change the things I say to myself.
Omg Theo let him talk! lol 😂
This wasn’t explained the way it should have been. We form shame on ourselves as children because the relationship we have with our parents as very young children is our foundation of self worth. If parents lack due to trauma of some sort……that trickles down to the child’s forming self esteem. A child’s environment and quality of parenting affects us until the day we die.
The whole conversation gets into this very thing with parenting.
I always felt ashamed after my addiction you know like oh I'm sorry for this like shameful shame and Gail is a humdinger
I love Dr,gabor
I have a hard time understanding why one of my worst fears is embarrassment. Is their a phobia or some kind of extreme syndrome for embarrassment
Too big, respect
Theo needs to read “Peaceful Parenting” and “Real Time Relationships” by Stefan Molyneux and have him on!
What sucks is that even if those ppl that created that shame told you “none of it was true, I was just using you as my outlet to release my own feelings about other things and myself” it’s too late, damage was done; I still believe you cuz I TOO see what you meant, I’m sure you still do too even though you still might not completely agree w it
Any advice for somebody stuck in constant disassociation from trauma?? I also have days where I'm in derealization and everything looks wrong and I feel freaked out being in my body, as if it's not actually mine
This is very unofficial advice, but perhaps when you notice yourself looking at the body as if it’s not your own, just ask yourself- what would someone who unconditionally loves this body do? ❤
Hi there!
what helped me was to talk about it, having practices that helped calm my nervous system. I do this thing where i lay on the floor with my eyes closed and feel the floor supporting my body and somehow it makes me feel connected to my body and heavy. I know its really hard to do at first but try to not hyper fixate on the symptoms of what you feel in your body as it intensifies the fear that is already awakened and doesnt help with the dissociation… remember your body is doing what it can to protect you at the moment. Almost as a shield. Whether its protecting you from painful memories or emotions, allow it do run its course while supporting your nervous system, i promise it gets better once you let it be and see it as a protection and not anything permanent. Seek therapy if possible that really helped me…
I hope this helps… sending love.
It really depends on what the trauma was. It's not always because of the parents. If you treat the wrong reasons it won't work.
I love you Gabor Mate 🫶🫶🩷🩷
Ty
Hey theo ,and friends thank you so much for the transparency. I have this problem very badly but I never leave only for vetting. Unfortunately, doctors cause I'm sick. I cannot believe how I look it even ruined my relationship on my fiance, leaving me. I hide in COVID with easy for me and I'm still hiding. I wanna blend in never stand out❤❤❤❤ya long time fan yr wonderful as f ! My very first thought process was embarrassment shyness in shame am I look repulsive i don't like my doctor he didn't even help me so I need to find a new one but it's been forty years of fellng the same thing.
The bad news is you are going to be whatever you keep telling yourself. Good news: you are going to be whatever you keep telling yourself. Start telling yourself that you are beautiful & worthy. Remind yourself to be grateful if you have eyes that see & legs that are able to support your body.
Above everything else, alway remember that there’s nothing more important than what YOU keep telling yourself.
Just had a video recommendation from this channel, where Tony Robbins helps Theo with his Low Self-esteem. 13 minutes & over 5,000 comments, none of which are negative.
Clothes, social expectations, beliefs, etc.
Historically, shame shows up for the first time in the garden of Eden. Adam and Eve eat the apple, then they feel ashamed in their nakedness.
It's not history. It's just a story
@ know any earlier mentions of shame in any form of literature?
Theo, could you have the channel BadAss counseling on?
It’s media as well
2:56 😂😂😂😂
lmao i happened to conclude the first one, i have always thought adults are stupid af, which now i can see they are, but they still have a helpful bliss, so rather than feeling shame, felt anger towards any incompetent adult and felt compassion towards ppl on my generation and below, im 25
Toxic shame is the root of all addiction. It is the source of all maladaptive subconscious programs. See me for clearing and rewiring these maladaptive subconscious programs.
Everyone experiences shame to some degree because we are all incredibly traumatized due to living in such opposition to our nature. Think about it. Shame is a byproduct of repression of certain traits and characteristics because we have been conditioned to believe those traits and characteristics are unacceptable. How is it possible that humans in a civilized world, where we cannot live in alignment with our nature, cannot be filled with shame. Of course, there are people who experience more personal trauma and develop more shame, I guess, because of that, but absolutely everyone does have shame. What has helped me is to recognize what a human being is, how we are hardwired to live, and the fact that we cannot live that way in a civilized world. When I notice myself experiencing schadenfreude because some rich person lost their job, it’s not because I’m a bad person. It’s because humans are wired for collectivism. I also understand that having more money makes people feel more fearful and more empty than happy. If I hate working in the modern sense, I understand that it’s not because I’m just a lazy bum, but rather, because humans aren’t supposed to work the way modern humans do. This allows me to have so much more compassion for myself and everyone else. Shame is the belief that “I am bad”, while guilt is about feeling that something you did was harmful in some way. Guilt serves a very valuable purpose, which is to allow us to learn from “mistakes”, but if we are full of shame, and we cannot separate the deed from the deed doer, we won’t experience guilt, because it is too painful to acknowledge any “mistakes” we have made. If by acknowledging that I hurt you, I must also accept that I’m a horrible human being, well, that’s just a position people cannot handle. Not consciously anyway. Now, because we all have shame, we all feel, unconsciously, that we are horrible. That we are the most evil, vile creature that has ever walked the planet. We are human beings forced to live up to the standards of a god that exists only in our minds. I can’t think of an experience that would be closer to hell for a human being. It’s actually insane how much we expect from ourselves and each other, and when you combine that with our inherent, deep need for social acceptance and connection, yeah, it’s absolutely hell.
You were angry didn’t allow Gabor to talk and choose where to begin.!you interrupted
Could it be that shame of self comes the moment we gain knowledge/perception of what’s right and wrong, good and evil, the dirty and the pure? Story of Adam and Eve anybody?
Im sorry you guys have these feelings being human really sucks ive been like this sin young tsles frm the trailer for me lol❤
I relate
Me too. ❤
A little bit of shame is a good thing. Like when it comes to disappointing God, though we are able to reconcile ourselves to Him through repentance and the narrow path.
Contrast that to an episode of SWU where a porn actress' whole interview was about overcoming shame and how there was nothing wrong with continuing her porn career.
Talk about not understanding the whole picture. How many men have you hurt with your porn product? How much innocence have you taken prematurely? What addictions are you helping to feed?
A little bit of healthy shame is not the problem, contrary to what modern psychology will have you believe.
Oh this is cool because I mean I think that this is so relatable on so many levels
🙏🏼
wu tang. .
Is this guy considered a fully realized being? If not im moving on
On the one hand, I get that shame is more on the level of being a "bad person" vs guilt as "doing something wrong", though IMHO, it seems that too often the Field of Psychology is caught in over-correction or perhaps cowardice in not saying, for example, that someone CAN be a sh*t in how they act, mistreat, behave. But, no, the emphasis is on not calling a spade a spade, ironically. Which confuses me to continually. I do NOT want to unwittingly enable more toxic shame into my life, yet wonder if there is a good sense of shame. Depending on what one has done. If they have committed a serious crime, let's take Bernie Madoff for example, isn't it entirely appropriate, given the profound gravity of damage / trauma he caused people's lives, to say "He's a sh*t for lying, cheating, stealing untold $$$ from people"? Maybe Mate would agree with it in terms of nuance, but not the fundamental definition one would believe of themselves as a human being. I don't hear the nuance nearly enough, though.
You’re referring to just shame. As it stands - psychologists - have the basic understanding of both positive and negative effects of it. He’s referring to when an individual becomes shame-prone which is not healthy. Which sounds obvious but people don’t always know that their brain is prone to something because it’s how they’ve conditioned their brains (or been conditioned) and it takes someone else (for example Dr Mate) to point it out. That’s why you see so so many revelations in the comment section. If that makes sense? … my response is a tad rushed sorry but I do understand your point.
Although, I do think it’s subjective that you don’t hear enough of it… I most certainly have. I mean, even just read the Bible lol. As he said at the end “some would but most wouldn’t”
I can't imagine feeling like that like Theo describes from birth. Wtf, poor guy
I always wondered why there is no H in my languge
Shame is also a guardian.
No it ain't. Shame is toxic and controlling. It says it wants to prevent you from getting hurt but all it does is stop you from reaching out and getting genuine help and relationships. It keeps you sitting on the high horse of your own mistakes unable to admit them.
Yes. You are right. Shame is actually the physiological desire to hide oneself, the driver is to find safety, to regulate the CNS. All negative emotions are drivers to find safety, to regulate.
@@dheemanrajkhowa2866The word was 'also'.
Theo has the best comment section.
This should be taught in schools. EQ is much more important than IQ.
Parents should be able to have these conversations with their children
Give and forgive but don't be abused. It's in the bible and the best strategy in game theory.