It’s essential. The intergenerational trauma that gets handed down is particularly hard on boys as they are not allowed to process their emotions as children. It’s very damaging for future relationships. It’s important to understand you can be stoic, while being emotionally available - that’s the mark of a secure healthy adult of either gender. Emotional control is also being able to understand emotional needs and healthy emotional expression.
As a woman, an intuitive woman, I swear men carry so much generational trauma. It's different than women. It's realtionally the sam, but men carry so much more that they feel they can't express in front of us or other men. Most women can go back to a mom or a friends group and cry or be angry or be anything. Men cannot. They don't go cry to thier homes, thier Dad or even thier mom unless she is a really good mom. But many moms and girlfriends shame their men further if they do. Call them unstable. It's fucked up.
As a trauma survivor I am to the sweet spot of forgiveness. They finally came up with a therapy that hits this issue right on the head. Found out forgiving myself is the hardest person to forgive. Shame is a huge component.
Integrate.with.yourself first.and.always. That.will give.you the fortitude to go out. When.you.go out,.go slowly and mindfully in all relatiomships.. Check your boundaries at all.stages. As.a fellow traveller that's what I did and.I've.managed to.develop realistic relationships with just.a.few people.but.mostly with myself. Best.wishes.for your journey.
This discussion brought back an old feeling in the pit of my stomach. I used to feel that I didn't deserve to be here on this earth. Took 50 years to learn that I have the right to be here.
I think Theo’s shame comes from coming up poor. I battled that for years and when I realized where it came from, it kind of got easier. He’s very intuitive, and that comes from the same place, so in the long run, the same problem gave him his strengths. Early exposure to existential crises just forces you to get the spiritual aspects of yourself squared away first, which is actually beneficial in the pursuit of enlightenment. Look where Theo is now! He’s truckin down the road pretty good. Not to mention, he’s probably the best podcaster out there. I have typed out fucking manifestos in his comments bc he has really changed my life, but then I deleted them bc I didn’t want the world to know all my shit. Love you Theo.
Same man, I remember being in elementary and feeling so embarrassed if someone found out I lived in a trailer park. Now that I’m older I can say a trailer is more than a lot people can afford. I may not have had the most but now looking back I definitely didn’t have the least. Years later I found out some of my classmates were orphans and some other unfortunately homeless but they’d still show up to school everyday with a smile. Goes to show you.. when you become wiser you understand that your thoughts really do make your reality.
I think I was 15 or 16 when I told my best friend "I have a broken record in my head that plays every hurtful thing my parents have said to me" I'm 51 now. I can't remember when that inner critic became my own voice but I'm trying hard to change the things I say to myself.
You have the gift of self-awareness to even notice that about yourself, things can only get better for you. Allow that for yourself, you'll find that you were always worth it
Mr Gabor, thank you for your kind heart and free soul ! You stand for what is right and talk constantly about Gaza people atrocities while so many remain silent!
God I really relate to Theo. I also had an old Dad like him and grew up in a poor family with a lot of shame resulting from this. 37 and still struggling with it, it’s ruined every romantic relationship I’ve ever had and I’m alone again feeling hopeless. Working through it in therapy and just discovered Gabor Mate and it’s providing me some hope maybe I can fix it
been through some long hopeless stretches myself...but you are on this quest, you survived, you will find healing. I've been at it for decades and feel more grounded than I thought possible, and more compassion for myself and just something like well-being, an experience I never had before. wishing you all the best, you are brave and will get better.
Thank you for your kind and thoughtful replies. I just logged into my account and saw I had some comments here. Often the internet is a rough place but these two replies were like hearing from caring friends. I’m doing better since I wrote that, going to therapy and trying to spend time with people I love. I feel like I have the embers of positive momentum lit now, I desperately don’t want it to go out again
@ embers of positive momentum lit is so poetic only someone really on a positive path could write it. Im glad to hear it, if only all these internet strangers were nicer to eachother right…
Wow, that hit me like a brick. Thank you for the new perspective. I think so many people can find value in Theo's interviews-so real and powerful. Being made to feel ashamed as a child stays with you for life.
Oh man, i feel you. I just started listening to this and i am not even sure who you are, although I’ve seen short vids with you on my UA-cam. But I completely get that feeling- that self loathing that even after years and years of healing, I can still see remnants hanging around at times. And people do not understand all the painful gut-wrenching feelings that arise even in sharing something like this- especially publicly. I hope you are able to completely obliterate this from feeling from your entire mind, soul and body!
Man, that “give yourself some grace” comment is so relatable for me. I have heard it more than once but it’s really powerful for me. It takes me a lot of work to get out of a mindset of self judgement. I gotta listen to the whole podcast now
All human life is precious. He’s a great human. Right and wrong are thrown out when harm is done to all humans from any group who just want to grow up in peace and go to school the next morning.
Narc mom rageaholic dad.. i was continually shamed for my body, my feelings.. everything about me. The shame had me questioning why do people do the things they do..always fascinated by the workings of the mind.. Questioning everything.. especially authority...it also made me a life long learner, The negative affect it had on me was i was bad, wrong, didn't have the right to exist, i didn't matter.. and needed to be fixed.. pursued "healing" early on in my life late 20s..any and all modalities.. now 73.. have health issues yet do believe the body can heal itself.. dealing with my childhood trauma ... what if there's nothing to fix.. that i'm okay..this gave me the freedom to just be me.
The lack of compassion for yourself is because the adults around you also have the same disease and then when they constantly tell you and show you in their actions that you are burdensome then it is inevitable that you will feel like a piece of shit, that is the only lesson you are receiving over and over again.
I am a trauma survivor who just found out she is a trauma survivor. My whole world crashed down. I was blind to the abuse for 53 years. I just believed I was such a crap person that my family was forced to treat me the way they did. Thank you both for sharing such personal stories about shame and for shining a light on the reasons it robs us of the good that is meant for us.
Theo , I can really relate to your feelings of shame. Thank you so much for sharing this conversation. It brings about so much learning and growth and acceptance of ourselves
The fact that parents even allow shame to be part of a conversation, or they ever dare try to shame a child tells you that they're living in shame. Cuz you would never want to transfer that emotion to another human being if you truly loved yourself. And if you truly loved yourself you would transmute that shame to a higher vibration of motion after forgiving and loving the self, unconditionally, before attempting to transfer it to another. we are energetic beings, and the vibrational frequency of the intensity of the emotions are what bring things to us and create our entire world around us, as well as the physical health Within us... same is the most destructive so allowing it to flow through us and then releasing it is key, and then consciously choosing a high vibrational emotion, rather than letting it get stuck within us❤ when it's stuck within us we attempt to offload it onto another because it doesn't belong in the body so hurt people hurt people and if we don't do our healing, we harm others. But most parents certainly don't know enough to do their own inner work before they decide to have children.😢
I can relate to theo so much with being ashamed of urself... I'm ashamed of the way I speak, the way I walk, everything. Sometimes when I'm in public I just think people are looking at me and laughing
Thank you so much for real people who dare to be vunarable. I have so much faith in humanity because of guys like you. It teaches me that it is ok to be vunarable. It is even a must if I want to grow, but it is still a bit scary. A beautiful little talk about shame and selfcompassion. Thank you.
Therapists talk about the "dead rat" when it comes to core shame. They say it is the look that the child receives from the abusive parent. It is a look of disgust on their face towards the child, a look of disdain, like the parent has smelled rotting flesh. I totally understand what Theo described about his core shame and low self-worth. My "mother" was affectionless and mean-spirited. She mentioned many times when I was a child how I had interrupted her promising sports career, by being born. This creates a core sense of guilt, which psychologists call "existential guilt", guilt for merely existing, feeling unwanted, like an undeserving burden. Guilt and shame for even having a body, and having needs like food and care. You feel like you have perpetually done something wrong, that you ARE wrong. My 'mother" picked on me and bullied me, she chose me to be the family scapegoat, the lowest member in her artificial family hierarchy, with her positioned at the top as the "queen". Her needs were deemed most important and expected everyone to cater to her demands. After many difficult and confusing years, I have cut her out of my life, even though Im 50 years old, she would still try to uphold this hierarchy when I was in her company and continue the same dynamic from childhood. She will never stop, or change. She is dead to me, I wont even attend her funeral. Merely giving birth doesnt make a woman a mother, actually being a mother does. A narcissistic "mother" is only a mother in title, never in deed.
I feel you. I’ve recently started referring to her as my abuser/mother which is much more accurate for me and doing so has helped me make better decisions towards healing these deep wounds.
@@maychang3995 Yes we have to mourn the mother we never actually had. I refer to my "mother" by her given name now, if ever she comes up in conversation.
"They say it is the look that the child receives"...The first time I read this a few years ago, I instantly remembered the look and felt it all, all over again, and so many things became clear to me. There's a book by Allice Miller, Drama of the gifted child, search for it. Also, I understand (oh I do) that you need to build walls and protect yourself, but sooner or later you'll have to forgive, completely forgive. I know how hard it is to understand but, believe it or not, it's not your mom's fault. She was also deeply traumatized as a kid, no doubt, and grew up to become the way she was. Her responsibility of course but not the fault. Or yes her fault as well, but anyway, you have to find the way to forgive, because of yourself.
@@Dalabombana Will be healing from it until the day I die, the impact is so deep because it started from so young and continued for so long. Thanks for your kind words.
This is the kind of content and the type of guest that makes me proud of Theo. How many people has this one guest touched in a positive way because Theo had them on and asked honest and open questions?
Man... as someone who mainly knows Theo through him being a comedic guest on podcasts, I would never have guessed he's someone who's felt such deep shame and insecurities in his life. I always assumed he was a very free, happy-go-lucky guy who couldn't ever be bothered by anything. I really viewed him that way. Just goes to show how much you know about people from a distance
I have gabor mate’s book on audible. Ive listened to multiple podcasts featuring interviews with him. Everything I’ve ever watched is his … I can’t finish. I can’t finish his book or his interviews because the REALNESS of his outlook hits me too hard. He’s so correct, so right in the truth that it’s too much reality for me to bear.
I just want to give Theo a hug in the beginning of this😢 I literally felt the same way as a young girl and teen. I couldn’t understand why and I’m still trying today.
I just love Theo! I’ve rewatched the episode on Near death experiences like 3 times at this point. I laugh, I cry, I remember how much I love Jesus! You’re an all star! I was born in ‘84 and Road Rules was the best! 🎊 Thanks for being vulnerable and having on amazing guests! 🙏 God bless you!
I am somewhat aware of my drives and the kinks in my mind from childhood which wasn’t all that bad but there was lots of silence. These topics in here help me prevent passing it along unnoticed. Awareness is the first step, intention is the next. Communication is absolutely critical. It allows us to unwind minor damage, and allows us to be seen. Discussion must be a focus for any parent. Openly discussing things is the human super power
I wish all young people could be told - as soon as they can understand words - that adult humans often suck ass lol. This would help children understand and grow in a healthy way ❤
Those kids grow into angry adults and push good people away just like their parents did to them. Eventually they are depressed and the anger doesn’t work as a cope anymore, and they turn inwards on themselves and self-destruct. You don’t need to ask me who the 3rd person “they” are do you.
No, it's better for the child to be delusionally positive if the parents are not neglectful or abusive to a damaging level. Good enough parents turning the child into a pessimist is a form of invalidating all other good parenting. Because it destroys relational capabilities just as much as abuse. People who live in la la land are much more socially successful, brush off their failures or being mistreated as one bad thing and it'll be better next time. And they live life in an empowered and positive way. Does this naivety have downsides, yes, these people understand a lot less and reject a lot more due to their self journey focused lens. But overall it's better for a child to be blissfully unaware and just feel empowered than teaching them the "real truths"
I struggle with shame and being easily embarrassed and I had a good family, I'm successful and good looking. I have a brother that's 5 years older who had a lot of anger towards me growing up for whatever reason. He's the only person I can think of that routinely put me down.
this "nothing I do is ever good enough feeling" or never being satisfied with what you did the way you did, even when the outcome was right and no one criticized you, is insanely frustrating. And I know many people would have felt the same. How can you change a feeling like that? there is no rationality in it. You know its the effect of the past but you still feel it reagardless. Knowing doesnt help.
There are many that dont have that feeling of " shame " or they easily over ride it....there is so much crime and people doing big wrongdoings, mainly because people dont feel ashamed of their BAD ACTIONS
When you are told you are worthless and not good enough and nothing you do ever measures up and no one that could help offers any help or does anything to help you start to believe it. You grow up to not ask for help because you believe you don't deserve it or that no one would care. You put others first not because you value them but because you don't value yourself at all. If someone wants to give you recognition you feel shamed by it because you don't feel you deserve it and someday they might realize you are worthless so you rather they not give you recognition and you just want to keep your head down and avoid attention. You may even surround yourself by people that will put you down because that is what you are used to. It is your home. The home sucks but it is what you are comfortable with and you are so broken you don't have the courage to face the fear of building a new home for yourself because you are barely hanging on as is and if it doesn't work out you don't feel you will be able to handle it so you stay in your broken home and keep your head down and keep going as you always have until there is nothing left. Redefining yourself as courageous and worthy so you can develop that new home and become comfortable in it is the only way out and it isn't easy.
I really hope everyone from Theos fan base sees this. I hope everyone from Gabor’s fan base sees this. Both of these guys are real. They are honest individuals that have been able to give me a sense of relation with strangers when I had completely isolated myself. Oddly enough, I found them each at different times in my life and allowed myself to sink back into isolation. Now I’m doing “better.”
I was so ashamed I didnt had a girlfriend when I was 21 that I started to avoid the conversation totally and now I am 37 and still no girlfriend due to shame about not having one. Shame ruins life. It can be so intense. For me it took my first 37 years. I don't know what to do now.
thats me right now, 22 never had a girlfriend, had multiple interested in me but I always ruin chances for myself by self sabotaging and pushing them away. I feel ashamed that I never had one and I convince myself that they will laugh or be disappointed in me because I have zero experience. The thing is I think I'm relatively good looking, multiple people told me that, and I'm 6'4, but that makes it even worse in my head because I think that girls automatically think I'm very experienced but in reality I'm in pain 24/7 and I don't feel good enough. I just ruined it for myself again with a girl I liked for months and she was really into me but I'm just scared of being vulnerable and scared of her realising I'm too weird for relationships
Omg ive been digging last couple days why do i feel shame n guilt when i didnt do anything wrong. Now i understand! I was unseen unheard as child not from abuse but parents in their own trauma/fears/stress finances etc. I took it as something wrong with me
Boom exactly we are what we believe right so therefore he was taught that possibly even before maybe he could even put sentences together that breaks my heart because I have grandchildren now at like yes I'm I'm 40 but yeah I have two grandkids and my 4-year-old 1 year old I always liked uplift them and speak and I did that to my kids as well
I was 30 years old when I noticed the way my mom acts around babies. She doesn't cuddle them when she holds them. She picks them up like any other object. She is the matriarch of our large extended family. She is there for every event, she brings gifts, she knows everybody's names and birthdates, no matter if they are the step kids of step kids of a previous marriage. I believe she truly loves them all, but there's something there. A block of some sort. I had a rough childhood because my dad split when I was 3 or 4, and my mom married a tyrant when I was 8. I was mad at her for a long time because I felt she never stood up for me. I realize now that she had her own abuse from that man to deal with. In short, I have a feeling that something happened to her as a child, and naturally, I have to wonder if my grandpa did something. I'll likely never know, and I don't need to know, really. Not at this point.
I always think or liken my childhood as a puppy brought home. Raised just enough to through it in back and never pay attention or give affection to. It is only given food. And along the way you try to teach yourself the way of the world with nothing to guide you. All you know is the boots of others and it’s constant interaction with your head. You grow mentally and physically strong but at the same time yearn for an end. You can lash out or resign yourself to not commit the crime that is committed towards you. So if there is reincarnation or a post life “hell” then that is the cruelest joke of all. And even in death there is no reprieve
"People talk to themselves in ways they would never talk to others". Great!
Except in the comments section 🛜
😂😭😂😭😂😭😎
I'm not a touchy feely dude, but I sure am happy that these kinds of conversations are more common among men.
It’s essential. The intergenerational trauma that gets handed down is particularly hard on boys as they are not allowed to process their emotions as children. It’s very damaging for future relationships. It’s important to understand you can be stoic, while being emotionally available - that’s the mark of a secure healthy adult of either gender. Emotional control is also being able to understand emotional needs and healthy emotional expression.
As a woman, an intuitive woman, I swear men carry so much generational trauma. It's different than women. It's realtionally the sam, but men carry so much more that they feel they can't express in front of us or other men. Most women can go back to a mom or a friends group and cry or be angry or be anything. Men cannot. They don't go cry to thier homes, thier Dad or even thier mom unless she is a really good mom. But many moms and girlfriends shame their men further if they do. Call them unstable. It's fucked up.
Absolutely
@Dalabombana well said
@@evonne315Agreed.
Theo, I respect you for having these important guests.
Me too.
Love it!
"No infant is born in shame." Wow, such revelation.
Mistakes are...
@@funkbros3141 Babies are always a blessing. It’s the adults around them that create the shame narrative.
i wish dr gabor mate was my therapist.
Seriously. I wish I could find a therapist like him…
Facts
I feel like Peterson is the therapist I want but Mate is the therapist I need.
@@5poopy he has a bunch of therapists that trained under him!! google it and there are providers accepting new patients!
So do I!!!!
As a trauma survivor I am to the sweet spot of forgiveness. They finally came up with a therapy that hits this issue right on the head. Found out forgiving myself is the hardest person to forgive. Shame is a huge component.
"Yes, its too big" lol
LOL! dude yeah. I yelled.
leave it to Theo 😂
Oh my 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I watched this part over and over and over again 😂
He’s so quick with the wit! his comedic timing is one of a kind.
When abuse is all you know, it's not easy to reintegrate into the society of not expecting to be abused.
Integrate.with.yourself first.and.always. That.will give.you the fortitude to go out. When.you.go out,.go slowly and mindfully in all relatiomships.. Check your boundaries at all.stages. As.a fellow traveller that's what I did and.I've.managed to.develop realistic relationships with just.a.few people.but.mostly with myself. Best.wishes.for your journey.
Generations of trauma.. so many people
This discussion brought back an old feeling in the pit of my stomach. I used to feel that I didn't deserve to be here on this earth. Took 50 years to learn that I have the right to be here.
Theo you are a very special interviewer. I LOVE your questions and how you present them just like we would ask.
You are always fresh and interesting.
Dr. Gabor is tremendous.
I think Theo’s shame comes from coming up poor. I battled that for years and when I realized where it came from, it kind of got easier. He’s very intuitive, and that comes from the same place, so in the long run, the same problem gave him his strengths. Early exposure to existential crises just forces you to get the spiritual aspects of yourself squared away first, which is actually beneficial in the pursuit of enlightenment. Look where Theo is now! He’s truckin down the road pretty good. Not to mention, he’s probably the best podcaster out there. I have typed out fucking manifestos in his comments bc he has really changed my life, but then I deleted them bc I didn’t want the world
to know all my shit. Love you Theo.
Same man, I remember being in elementary and feeling so embarrassed if someone found out I lived in a trailer park. Now that I’m older I can say a trailer is more than a lot people can afford. I may not have had the most but now looking back I definitely didn’t have the least. Years later I found out some of my classmates were orphans and some other unfortunately homeless but they’d still show up to school everyday with a smile. Goes to show you.. when you become wiser you understand that your thoughts really do make your reality.
poverty is a trauma. so is being a minority. so is fame. often overlooked. everyones trauma is a level 10 for them!
Having a 92 year old dad when you're 7 wouldn't help either.
@@mindy561under appreciated comment 👌🏽👍🏽
Some people are ashamed of being rich. @@Stoicambition1
This is a great conversation. Really appreciate the authenticity
I think I was 15 or 16 when I told my best friend "I have a broken record in my head that plays every hurtful thing my parents have said to me"
I'm 51 now. I can't remember when that inner critic became my own voice but I'm trying hard to change the things I say to myself.
Futile.....you think how you think,,,,if you've CHOSEN to be weak,then that's what you are..
You have the gift of self-awareness to even notice that about yourself, things can only get better for you. Allow that for yourself, you'll find that you were always worth it
“How does shame cause is to lose compassion for ourselves?” That’s a Really good question.
Easily
Forgiveness is a choice. It doesn't have to be earned. Choose.you...
Mr Gabor, thank you for your kind heart and free soul ! You stand for what is right and talk constantly about Gaza people atrocities while so many remain silent!
God I really relate to Theo. I also had an old Dad like him and grew up in a poor family with a lot of shame resulting from this. 37 and still struggling with it, it’s ruined every romantic relationship I’ve ever had and I’m alone again feeling hopeless. Working through it in therapy and just discovered Gabor Mate and it’s providing me some hope maybe I can fix it
been through some long hopeless stretches myself...but you are on this quest, you survived, you will find healing. I've been at it for decades and feel more grounded than I thought possible, and more compassion for myself and just something like well-being, an experience I never had before. wishing you all the best, you are brave and will get better.
Hope youre doing well bud
Thank you for your kind and thoughtful replies. I just logged into my account and saw I had some comments here. Often the internet is a rough place but these two replies were like hearing from caring friends. I’m doing better since I wrote that, going to therapy and trying to spend time with people I love. I feel like I have the embers of positive momentum lit now, I desperately don’t want it to go out again
@ embers of positive momentum lit is so poetic only someone really on a positive path could write it. Im glad to hear it, if only all these internet strangers were nicer to eachother right…
@@GasStationSushiiii thanks man I appreciate that. Sending you all the best from Switzerland
That was deep. I've felt all that mess. Memories are pouring in.
Theo is brave. Thanks, man, for opening up
Wow, that hit me like a brick. Thank you for the new perspective. I think so many people can find value in Theo's interviews-so real and powerful. Being made to feel ashamed as a child stays with you for life.
Gabor Mate is one of my favorite people in the world.
Me too
Gabor Mate is a treasure. I’m very glad I got to briefly meet him once. A wonderful, brilliant man. Great guest!
Amazing duo to listen to. Both of them are so authentic and have their heart in the right place
I love Gabor Mate; it’s very rare for someone to speak the truth❤️🤲
Oh man, i feel you. I just started listening to this and i am not even sure who you are, although I’ve seen short vids with you on my UA-cam. But I completely get that feeling- that self loathing that even after years and years of healing, I can still see remnants hanging around at times. And people do not understand all the painful gut-wrenching feelings that arise even in sharing something like this- especially publicly. I hope you are able to completely obliterate this from feeling from your entire mind, soul and body!
Man, that “give yourself some grace” comment is so relatable for me. I have heard it more than once but it’s really powerful for me. It takes me a lot of work to get out of a mindset of self judgement. I gotta listen to the whole podcast now
Shoutout to doc for talking about the kids in Gaza 🙏🏼❤️🇵🇸 5:12
All human life is precious. He’s a great human. Right and wrong are thrown out when harm is done to all humans from any group who just want to grow up in peace and go to school the next morning.
Yes ✊️❤ 🇵🇸
He's a beautiful humanitarian
Love his compassion & wanting to understand from another pov's
It's a shame what Hamas has done to Palestine and how they cause so much loss by hiding behind civilians
That is not true! Unfortunately when you think so you are not seeing clearly!
@@pauljansen6650*Zionists
2.14
Very powerful and genuine
Im grateful 🙏🏽 for his perspective and honesty
Takes tremendous courage
Narc mom rageaholic dad.. i was continually shamed for my body, my feelings.. everything about me.
The shame had me questioning why do people do the things they do..always fascinated by the workings of the mind..
Questioning everything.. especially authority...it also made me a life long learner,
The negative affect it had on me was i was bad, wrong, didn't have the right to exist, i didn't matter.. and needed to be fixed.. pursued "healing" early on in my life late 20s..any and all modalities.. now 73.. have health issues yet do believe the body can heal itself.. dealing with my childhood trauma ...
what if there's nothing to fix.. that i'm okay..this gave me the freedom to just be me.
I was ashamed of what I looked like how poor we were my whole childhood 😢 I understand young man
The lack of compassion for yourself is because the adults around you also have the same disease and then when they constantly tell you and show you in their actions that you are burdensome then it is inevitable that you will feel like a piece of shit, that is the only lesson you are receiving over and over again.
Disease???? wow! Your weak.....
Great guest. Great openness by Theo.
Both were vulnerable ❤
I am a trauma survivor who just found out she is a trauma survivor. My whole world crashed down. I was blind to the abuse for 53 years. I just believed I was such a crap person that my family was forced to treat me the way they did. Thank you both for sharing such personal stories about shame and for shining a light on the reasons it robs us of the good that is meant for us.
Theo , I can really relate to your feelings of shame. Thank you so much for sharing this conversation. It brings about so much learning and growth and acceptance of ourselves
The fact that parents even allow shame to be part of a conversation, or they ever dare try to shame a child tells you that they're living in shame. Cuz you would never want to transfer that emotion to another human being if you truly loved yourself. And if you truly loved yourself you would transmute that shame to a higher vibration of motion after forgiving and loving the self, unconditionally, before attempting to transfer it to another.
we are energetic beings, and the vibrational frequency of the intensity of the emotions are what bring things to us and create our entire world around us, as well as the physical health Within us... same is the most destructive so allowing it to flow through us and then releasing it is key, and then consciously choosing a high vibrational emotion, rather than letting it get stuck within us❤ when it's stuck within us we attempt to offload it onto another because it doesn't belong in the body so hurt people hurt people and if we don't do our healing, we harm others. But most parents certainly don't know enough to do their own inner work before they decide to have children.😢
preach
❤thank you for this. Brought tears and so much emotion.
I can relate to theo so much with being ashamed of urself... I'm ashamed of the way I speak, the way I walk, everything. Sometimes when I'm in public I just think people are looking at me and laughing
Love your interview style. Down to earth and a regular convo. Love Dr. Gabor too.
Thank you so much for real people who dare to be vunarable. I have so much faith in humanity because of guys like you. It teaches me that it is ok to be vunarable. It is even a must if I want to grow, but it is still a bit scary. A beautiful little talk about shame and selfcompassion. Thank you.
Therapists talk about the "dead rat" when it comes to core shame. They say it is the look that the child receives from the abusive parent. It is a look of disgust on their face towards the child, a look of disdain, like the parent has smelled rotting flesh. I totally understand what Theo described about his core shame and low self-worth. My "mother" was affectionless and mean-spirited. She mentioned many times when I was a child how I had interrupted her promising sports career, by being born. This creates a core sense of guilt, which psychologists call "existential guilt", guilt for merely existing, feeling unwanted, like an undeserving burden. Guilt and shame for even having a body, and having needs like food and care. You feel like you have perpetually done something wrong, that you ARE wrong. My 'mother" picked on me and bullied me, she chose me to be the family scapegoat, the lowest member in her artificial family hierarchy, with her positioned at the top as the "queen". Her needs were deemed most important and expected everyone to cater to her demands. After many difficult and confusing years, I have cut her out of my life, even though Im 50 years old, she would still try to uphold this hierarchy when I was in her company and continue the same dynamic from childhood. She will never stop, or change. She is dead to me, I wont even attend her funeral.
Merely giving birth doesnt make a woman a mother, actually being a mother does. A narcissistic "mother" is only a mother in title, never in deed.
I feel you. I’ve recently started referring to her as my abuser/mother which is much more accurate for me and doing so has helped me make better decisions towards healing these deep wounds.
@@maychang3995 Yes we have to mourn the mother we never actually had. I refer to my "mother" by her given name now, if ever she comes up in conversation.
"They say it is the look that the child receives"...The first time I read this a few years ago, I instantly remembered the look and felt it all, all over again, and so many things became clear to me. There's a book by Allice Miller, Drama of the gifted child, search for it. Also, I understand (oh I do) that you need to build walls and protect yourself, but sooner or later you'll have to forgive, completely forgive. I know how hard it is to understand but, believe it or not, it's not your mom's fault. She was also deeply traumatized as a kid, no doubt, and grew up to become the way she was. Her responsibility of course but not the fault. Or yes her fault as well, but anyway, you have to find the way to forgive, because of yourself.
Im so sorry you had that experience. You deserved so much more. I hope you feel some sense of peace now.
@@Dalabombana Will be healing from it until the day I die, the impact is so deep because it started from so young and continued for so long. Thanks for your kind words.
This is the kind of content and the type of guest that makes me proud of Theo.
How many people has this one guest touched in a positive way because Theo had them on and asked honest and open questions?
Man... as someone who mainly knows Theo through him being a comedic guest on podcasts, I would never have guessed he's someone who's felt such deep shame and insecurities in his life. I always assumed he was a very free, happy-go-lucky guy who couldn't ever be bothered by anything. I really viewed him that way. Just goes to show how much you know about people from a distance
Bless you for being so damn honest, it brings me to tears. Both of you. Love to you both
I think some of us are resigned that we are not important or valuable and sabatoge everything to prove that true.
Great conversation. This hits me. Lots of love Theo ❤️
The strangest pair of Superheroes to live on this planet. I adore them❤❤❤❤
I have gabor mate’s book on audible. Ive listened to multiple podcasts featuring interviews with him.
Everything I’ve ever watched is his … I can’t finish. I can’t finish his book or his interviews because the REALNESS of his outlook hits me too hard. He’s so correct, so right in the truth that it’s too much reality for me to bear.
I feel exactly the same and I'm 52! Sheesh. Enough already. Thanks for asking, Theo.
I feel pride for you Theo.
You can hear that you’re doing the work. ❤
What a legend !! now I got get his book he deserves our support. It takes great heart to see all that money and leave it behind.
I just want to give Theo a hug in the beginning of this😢 I literally felt the same way as a young girl and teen. I couldn’t understand why and I’m still trying today.
Gabor is just wonderfully brilliant. In my humble opinion.
I just love Theo! I’ve rewatched the episode on Near death experiences like 3 times at this point. I laugh, I cry, I remember how much I love Jesus! You’re an all star! I was born in ‘84 and Road Rules was the best! 🎊 Thanks for being vulnerable and having on amazing guests! 🙏 God bless you!
The need from others for to be seen, to be heard, to be valued....
I am somewhat aware of my drives and the kinks in my mind from childhood which wasn’t all that bad but there was lots of silence. These topics in here help me prevent passing it along unnoticed. Awareness is the first step, intention is the next. Communication is absolutely critical. It allows us to unwind minor damage, and allows us to be seen. Discussion must be a focus for any parent. Openly discussing things is the human super power
BIG love from San Antonio brother Theo.
Keep crush'n bro!
I usually watch your channel Theo, but having Gabor on has got me to subscribe. Shows you have integrity - nice one Mate! 🍉
Theo its dope how your funny asf but also put out this type of content💯
I understand those feelings of shame Theo. I'm so sorry you are burdened with that. It's agony. Sending you hugs. 🫂
Mate: nobody is born ashamed.
Theo: really?
Shamed to the core. That's what Theo felt. Walking shame.
I wish all young people could be told - as soon as they can understand words - that adult humans often suck ass lol. This would help children understand and grow in a healthy way ❤
Adults are just bigger children with more life experience.
I tell my kid lol. I tell him ‘everyones an asshole and they love to talk shit’ but not letting that change you is the hard part
I hate to agree with you…but what you’ve said is true. Add: ‘And some of those assholes live in your house.’
Those kids grow into angry adults and push good people away just like their parents did to them. Eventually they are depressed and the anger doesn’t work as a cope anymore, and they turn inwards on themselves and self-destruct. You don’t need to ask me who the 3rd person “they” are do you.
No, it's better for the child to be delusionally positive if the parents are not neglectful or abusive to a damaging level. Good enough parents turning the child into a pessimist is a form of invalidating all other good parenting. Because it destroys relational capabilities just as much as abuse. People who live in la la land are much more socially successful, brush off their failures or being mistreated as one bad thing and it'll be better next time. And they live life in an empowered and positive way. Does this naivety have downsides, yes, these people understand a lot less and reject a lot more due to their self journey focused lens. But overall it's better for a child to be blissfully unaware and just feel empowered than teaching them the "real truths"
Dr Gabor is one of the Best psychologists❤ and a great human❤
Bless you young man.
THEO thank you for making these videos i appreciate them ❤
I love your podcasts Theo. Thank you.
I can always relate to everything you say when you describe your feelings and childhood.
I struggle with shame and being easily embarrassed and I had a good family, I'm successful and good looking. I have a brother that's 5 years older who had a lot of anger towards me growing up for whatever reason. He's the only person I can think of that routinely put me down.
yeah, not enough is talked about the impact of siblings on one's sense of self.
this "nothing I do is ever good enough feeling" or never being satisfied with what you did the way you did, even when the outcome was right and no one criticized you, is insanely frustrating. And I know many people would have felt the same.
How can you change a feeling like that? there is no rationality in it. You know its the effect of the past but you still feel it reagardless. Knowing doesnt help.
Theo broke down in tears at Gabor’s mention of the kids bombed in Gaza. That was cut from this clip.
Very important topic. Love information and discussion.
That was brilliant ❤
Great video, Thank you 💛
Such a good interview 💯💯💯
I am in love with Theo. I wish more men were emotionally aware and available to themselves and others.
For me its like watching a world series of personalities. I love it.
Thank you both! I can relate completely!!!
There are many that dont have that feeling of " shame " or they easily over ride it....there is so much crime and people doing big wrongdoings, mainly because people dont feel ashamed of their BAD ACTIONS
When you are told you are worthless and not good enough and nothing you do ever measures up and no one that could help offers any help or does anything to help you start to believe it. You grow up to not ask for help because you believe you don't deserve it or that no one would care. You put others first not because you value them but because you don't value yourself at all.
If someone wants to give you recognition you feel shamed by it because you don't feel you deserve it and someday they might realize you are worthless so you rather they not give you recognition and you just want to keep your head down and avoid attention. You may even surround yourself by people that will put you down because that is what you are used to. It is your home. The home sucks but it is what you are comfortable with and you are so broken you don't have the courage to face the fear of building a new home for yourself because you are barely hanging on as is and if it doesn't work out you don't feel you will be able to handle it so you stay in your broken home and keep your head down and keep going as you always have until there is nothing left. Redefining yourself as courageous and worthy so you can develop that new home and become comfortable in it is the only way out and it isn't easy.
Mad respect for this man
“Some would…but most wouldnt”. Yeah , good luck running into and dealing with the some in this category….broken people
I love these two. Sucha good interview. 💡🙏
I really hope everyone from Theos fan base sees this. I hope everyone from Gabor’s fan base sees this. Both of these guys are real. They are honest individuals that have been able to give me a sense of relation with strangers when I had completely isolated myself. Oddly enough, I found them each at different times in my life and allowed myself to sink back into isolation. Now I’m doing “better.”
That is so sad,, he has always been a super crush for me.. way back when I was a preteen that saw him on mtv 😢
I was so ashamed I didnt had a girlfriend when I was 21 that I started to avoid the conversation totally and now I am 37 and still no girlfriend due to shame about not having one. Shame ruins life. It can be so intense. For me it took my first 37 years. I don't know what to do now.
Buy a 1-way ticket to SE Asia ASAP and thank me later. You’ll start day-banging upon arrival before you wife-up in a week or two.
thats me right now, 22 never had a girlfriend, had multiple interested in me but I always ruin chances for myself by self sabotaging and pushing them away. I feel ashamed that I never had one and I convince myself that they will laugh or be disappointed in me because I have zero experience. The thing is I think I'm relatively good looking, multiple people told me that, and I'm 6'4, but that makes it even worse in my head because I think that girls automatically think I'm very experienced but in reality I'm in pain 24/7 and I don't feel good enough. I just ruined it for myself again with a girl I liked for months and she was really into me but I'm just scared of being vulnerable and scared of her realising I'm too weird for relationships
Myth of normal 📚 is a fantastic book. A must read ❤️
Omg ive been digging last couple days why do i feel shame n guilt when i didnt do anything wrong. Now i understand! I was unseen unheard as child not from abuse but parents in their own trauma/fears/stress finances etc. I took it as something wrong with me
Theo needed to hear these words.
Kids are brutal and when you don’t have a good home life you believe what the world around you tells you are..
Shit was Funny Theo, i was expecting to get a serious Answer but then i remembered you’re halarious😂😂
I can relate all the way back to childhood. Most of us probably do. I wonder if our parents & grandparents felt that way too.
So proud of him telling the world also know kids in Gaza will have this problem more…only the kids who will survive..
Give yourself some grace.🥰
Boom exactly we are what we believe right so therefore he was taught that possibly even before maybe he could even put sentences together that breaks my heart because I have grandchildren now at like yes I'm I'm 40 but yeah I have two grandkids and my 4-year-old 1 year old I always liked uplift them and speak and I did that to my kids as well
I just wanted to say this guys face is melting
I was 30 years old when I noticed the way my mom acts around babies. She doesn't cuddle them when she holds them. She picks them up like any other object. She is the matriarch of our large extended family. She is there for every event, she brings gifts, she knows everybody's names and birthdates, no matter if they are the step kids of step kids of a previous marriage. I believe she truly loves them all, but there's something there. A block of some sort. I had a rough childhood because my dad split when I was 3 or 4, and my mom married a tyrant when I was 8. I was mad at her for a long time because I felt she never stood up for me. I realize now that she had her own abuse from that man to deal with. In short, I have a feeling that something happened to her as a child, and naturally, I have to wonder if my grandpa did something. I'll likely never know, and I don't need to know, really. Not at this point.
Both great people here.
I have a hard time understanding why one of my worst fears is embarrassment. Is their a phobia or some kind of extreme syndrome for embarrassment
I always think or liken my childhood as a puppy brought home. Raised just enough to through it in back and never pay attention or give affection to. It is only given food. And along the way you try to teach yourself the way of the world with nothing to guide you. All you know is the boots of others and it’s constant interaction with your head. You grow mentally and physically strong but at the same time yearn for an end. You can lash out or resign yourself to not commit the crime that is committed towards you. So if there is reincarnation or a post life “hell” then that is the cruelest joke of all. And even in death there is no reprieve