Thank you for calling this out. The DA I’m with seems to be extremely quick to cause conflict and make their emotions as big as possible, and use manipulative tactics to try and take control of things, and then they’ll act like nothing happened 20 minutes later.
Avoidants definitely teach you how to only invest at their level and not over invest that's for sure...They are a hard but necessary lesson for us anxious attachments working towards secure attachments...
@@nandaflorentino Why even entertain it to begin with if you don't have enough context to know either way? it might be hard if you're a person who primarily speaks and understands emotional language, because DAs are going to be significantly less emotional than you and they don't often express themselves that way. But if you can connect to them in more intellectual ways first, you have an easier path to tracking their emotions and the context of their behaviors.
so even if they regret losing the relationship they will repress that feeling to feel better. it seems they live in a never ending struggle to pretend that everything is ok
Or to force u to act like it’s ok. Bc if u bring it up in anyway they will lash out at u. N then deflect. I’m not playing those games they can stay in their endless cycle of misery
@@amandalongman737 Once I learned about DA attachment style I refused to play too and left after 2.5 years. Now I'm healing my heart, it's only been 3 weeks.
You hit the nail on the head. I'm DA in recovery. Everytime my wife would confront me with a problem to be addressed I would say I don't know what to do (I really sad no idea). Then there would be consequences because she didn't get her needs met and I would just tell myself "that's the way it is now". Even though I was the one shutting down and closing and killing the relationship, my internal feelings were that I was a failure for not finding a solution and there was nothing I could do to make my wife happy (let alone connected) and that's how relationships were. That her wants were brought about by her own mind and that I couldn't do anything to effect it good or bad.
@@andrewmeppen8068 thank you for sharing. it's rare to have an insight into DA's mind. i wish you a fulfilling healing. I recently ended a relationship and friendship with my ex who was an extreme case of a DA after 3 years of being together. now i'm too healing and working on rebuilding self-esteem
I never regretted anything and anyone. Billions of people on the planet so who tf is you lol. Once I go no contact I neve look back and I don’t feel crap hence my blatant honesty. Like bye biotch.
I'm DA and these videos help so much to see how and why I think and react the way I do. It really helps to make me more self aware. I don't always catch myself right away but noticing at all is so much better than not. The realization of how much emotional hurt it causes others makes me feel so...... selfish.
I see it as self protection. Most of us are doing the best we can at any given time. Once you know better and are aware, you can do better. Props to you for taking the steps to create a better life for yourself and others ❤
This is the right mindset. Good for you for working on it. Wish my DA had. I told my therapist it was hard to let go because I could see the wounded child in him so easily. She said, “but can he see the wounded child in you?” I think the answer to that question is what separates the healing avoidants from the unhealed ones.
How many times am i going to have to watch these videos and read the comments to accept that my ex DA isn’t for me? It’s like how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? the world may never know…
I was secure before I met my ex DA. His behaviour triggered me and made me anxious and I hate it. I wish I had known about attachment styles - I feel I would have managed the dynamic so much better and not allowed myself to be triggered. Thais - I respect that you say they avoid conflict. But often it is their behavior that causes the conflict. I hate conflict and try to avoid conflict, but my DA's behaviour triggered me and caused conflict. They need to be shown this to highlight this to them. Most people dont want conflict.
Hi, but hows he trigguers u? Mine only avoid and ghosted me, we was not more dating but I sent him message how I felt and didnt want to finished la ke that and he ghosted me for 1 week, then he sent me a long text apologysing for his behavior and wishing meim better, explainning me how he felt about him self so weird, even he missed my smile.. I stayed more confused even
My DA, after 7 years of working on seeing he is actually DA, has finally started to see he adds and will even admit now to creating conflict. If it's a trigger for him he says his brain is automatically ready to redo any argument that is related to that trigger. The problem is he can't see it... yet... when it's happening. His brain has already deemed the person who brought that trigger up as the person starting the conflict. So if I'm joking around about something regarding a trigger from his past that I'm not aware of, he will flip on his defense and assume I'm arguing. He can't hear me or thinks I'm manipulating or "downplaying " my role in hurting him, if I try to explain it wasn't about him or related to an issue. His mind brings up those harsh memories and replaces me and my intentions. Since I've been backing off and not tolerating his hurtful behavior, I've noticed once he cools down he has been reaching out to me on his own. If I send him a message saying how much I empathize with him on how the issue happened to make him feel, he is really receptive to it and will admit to over reacting, he has apologized for accusing me and has invited a scheduled time and day to communicate about what happened. I'm sticking to this because otherwise, our live is amazing everyday. His fear of conflict is our only struggle. He is worth learning to be with. He has shown I'm worth being with to him for allowing me so much access to his vulnerability. I just hope I can keep this up and more trust is developed in our relationship.
Perfect order ! Avoidant people are not vulnerable. Fundamentally, I would even question if it's possible to have a fullfilling emotional relationship with a person who is unwilling to be vulnerable.
@AA-fz3lj True. Good point. How would we know if someone can cross this barrier or not? Attachment style is quite a strong trait. It's a lot of work to become vulnerable, for any of us. How can we find out that the avoidant is willing to embrace the journey before spending more time and energy?
@@aditichandrasekar3279 You seem to be falling into the trap of thinking any avoidant is in the wrong and that they need to adapt to fit your needs. A true partnership on both parts understands there's two folks involved with positive and negative issues. There is no knowing the outcome for any partner, tend to think communication is the key for a successful partnership. Avoidant folks can be vulnerable, although having said that I fail to understand how being vulnerable is remotely attractive, apart from for selfish reasoning, maybe am missing something???
@@aditichandrasekar3279 Most of the time, They won´t change. It´s all about ego, most people like that will dismiss people rather than fixing the relationship. Pride and ego is stronger than compassion and empathy. I would love to see my ex change but i doubt it. They are either too scared or just as i desribed and nowadays, modern era offers quick fixes and easy new relationships
If you show them you sympathise and understand their needs they relax and feel safe. My FA(currently ex) is emotionally available, she doesn't bring her issues to me but she shows me love and is vulnerable because of that. It's all about voicing each others expectations, then there's no surprises and your avoident can relax.
I just dated what seemed to be a very nice lady for about 2 months. Instantly hit it off from the first date. Shared our past relationships issues, current struggles, future wants and fears, had fun doing common interest things, she made future dates to meet her kids etc. Sexual attraction was off the charts. She would say how much she missed me and that we needed to spend more time with each other. Within a week she went dark. No reason, no call, no text, nothing. She really seemed to have her act together. I really didn't take her for the ghosting type. It's crazy how some people act.
its been 5 days i havent spoken to him i dont think he has realized it he must be feeling relief cos now he doesnt have to give me too much and in the meantime i am losing interest and spending time with my friends, myself and my hobbies and sleeping early too im an fa im no longer going to chase or beg for him im no longer going to accept his breadcrumbs he had freindzoned me all of sudden
This happened to me. I took him back when I was vulnerable. Just been ghosted again, helped him through a tough patch, he doesn’t reciprocate though. Gave him tons of space. They give you the “slow fade”…. Their childhood wounds aren’t our problem, I’ve got my own anc try to give out goodness in the world. Only way. Sorry this happened. ❤
I like how your brain is so well educated about psychology and how you are able to share/give that knowledge to others In a way that is easily understood. I don't believe I feel that from everyone. Sometimes I try to learn from some & it gets confusing to me , so I'm simply trying to recognize and appreciate you ❤.
Please more DA videos. Why do they take a criticism or argument so personal, but easily criticize you and speak to you as if you are a child? How come they get upset if you don’t want to be their friend after a breakup? Why can they keep a friendship, but not a relationship? Why do they rely on their kids for emotional support? Why don’t they see the double standards?
Girl, everything you mentioned, is my experience. The Holy Spirit showed me they rely heavily on their children to the point it can be borderline Emotional Incest is because their children can't reject them l8ke we can. They have the power & the ball is in their court. They can regulate & control the temperature of the relationship. The second time I broke up with my DA was because he kept talking about us having babies & not marriage. When in the beginning he was talking more about marriage. I told him I'm not about to go to yo family cookout & don't nobody know who I am wit a belly poked out. I said that type if behavior is when you 19 & 30 & don't know any better. I noticed he does more on his daughters than his son, especially his oldest. He post her all the time. Post pics of them at different spots. They even visited Chicago for Thanksgiving 2023. Now there is a huge Wedge in our relationship because he said once his daughter graduates high school, he can pursue a relationship with me. I told him that if your daughter is leaving, we still should meet so I can create a bond with her before she leaves. He made every excuse in the book against it. I said your daughter is not little. Besides as a senior she's thinking about boys & prom. Well she's in college now & it's 🦗🦗🦗 on our relationship because I'm in the comments typing this!😢
@@maralinautube wow thank you for explaining it and now I see. My ex is very close to his kids especially the girls and I realized there will always be something. They are all great kids, but he kept taking trips to Atlanta to get one daughter situated in an apartment and we had to move out of our house bc he also had to buy her a car. I know the next daughter is about to graduate college and wants to move out of the country. I knew it would be something else that would get all his attention. Oh and his ex wife is sometimes there for it as well with him. Nah, I had to go. This why my 3rd and last breakup.
@eileendom5858 Yes, sis, you are so welcome! At this point, knowing what God said about OUR relationship, I have pleaded & petitioned my case to OUR Holy Father. The Holy Spirit can deal with ALL THESE UNCLEAN spirits they wrestle with. Marine Kingdom has Leviathan, which deals with PRIDE & STUBBORNNESS & Jezebel (aka Narcissism), do it's bidding. They have yet to COMPLETELY surrender themselves UNDER the AUTHORITY of Christ & that's why they are influenced by all these unclean spirits.
DAs don't criticize easily at all, you heard Thaiss, they don't handle conflicta. Also they cannot maintaine friendships either. DAs don't tend to stay friends after a breakup, there is nothing easier for a DA than to cut people out of their lives. I think you incorrectly associate the described behaviors with dismissive avoidant attachment stlye.
My DA and i broke up 3 months ago and this is a textbook example. At first i could see how relieved he was and he was reaching out sometimes talking to me like i am his friend having smalltalk. After about a month i got more distant and so did he. Now he started sending me memes and reels and i don't really know what's his intention because as soon as i react to it and we start talking a little he distances himself again. I feel sorry for him because of his attachment style. It must be hard when your feelings and your mind are in a constant conflict with eachother
Thais has a older video on indirect contact and other signs you may see from a DA, titled, "Signs A Dismissive Avoidant Misses You (After A Breakup) | Dismissive Avoidant Attachment". She makes a statement in the video that comes to mind when the DA starts their pattern of indirect contact. Quote; "they miss you (the DA) but they aren't willing to do the work to fully get back together". Now I totally disregard the memes, songs and photos. If he wants to talk to me, he has to pick up the phone and call. Best wishes to you.
SAME it’s wild. We’re at the getting more distant phase right now after friends small talk kind of pattern directly after the breakup. I stopped all contact 2 weeks ago
I broke up a week ago, and he talks to me like I'm his friend, would send me good morning and all I wonder of he'd come back. He told me yesterday that he doesn't have a problem with me, and that he has a problem with relationships.
Can’t wait for the app! Finding Thais’a content and school Is literally like being given glasses and seeing clearly for the first time ever. The hardest part is losing having an ex you know is walking blind and will not try on the glasses you know will make them see as clearly as you and stop walking head first into a wall. Positive thing is I now have the clarity to no longer get in my own way and have a successful relationship with someone else willing to work to on things instead of walking away with no discussion. Currently in no contact for my own peace and am working on remembering the bad and not be reminiscent of the few good times. Bad far outweighs the good if I’m honest.
Dear Thais, you have helped me so very much!!! I have been in counseling since I was 18 when my father went into recovery for alcoholism. I am in my 60s now and have vigorously pursued healing. I scored all 3 unhealthy attachment styles when I first took your attachment test. With listening to all of your free material I now score a secure attachment❤️❤️❤️I am so grateful to you for making this all so clear to me. The fog cleared and I slowly became secure in me and all the broken, angry, needy fell away. THANK YOU for the peace and tranquility I now feel (words fail me here) sending you DEAR ONE so much love and gratitude ❤️❤️THANKING GOD HE SENT YOU and you saved me from constant hell. TY MUCH LOVE
Thank you for giving the da's this attention and insightful videos. I often come back to your videos to cross check if I'm improving. I feel less alone here so thank you.
Great video. My ex DA does this. We were friends for much longer than we dated so while we're back to being platonic friends, we still confide in each other and occasionally say I love you. I have such a soft spot for DA's and as a healing FA who was heartbroken over a DA, I still love and appreciate them.
I’m an AP in love with a DA. We’ve been dating a little over a year, friends for much longer. It’s an extremely hard road. We just had a great last ‘date’ where he actually was vulnerable for the first time around his last relationship which I found out was pretty bad for him (I don’t have any details as he didn’t share very much. The fact that he shared this at all was a significant breakthrough). Something tells me his last relationship was more serious & recent than I thought which is contributing to his extra cautious nature and being so guarded. But we take a few steps forward then I feel like a million steps back. The fact he only answers/acknowledges a few of my texts really hurts. I’ve scaled back significantly on my messages to him. He doesn’t like the phone so our only communication is in person and when we started dating we were seeing each other about once a week. Since this past September I’ve only seen him 3x. Granted we had a fallout and didn’t see him for 2 months; then he was out of the country on a family vacation for 2 1/2 months. Now I’ll be going out of town for the holidays so that makes another month. I told him when I return I’d like us to see each other once a week. I’ve tried to remain hopeful but I think this is a losing battle for me. I’m really heartbroken.
That sounds a bit unhealthy to me. Especially the I love you part. Sounds like neither of you have moved on. I hope you at least had a long separation before you tried to be friends again.
I dated a DA 20 years ago. It was blissful for about 6 months, we even talked about getting married. But then the flaw finding and criticizing started. Around that time he even started collecting and filling up our house with stuff I didn’t want. It didn’t matter what I said. I ultimately left, married someone else a few years later. He never got married. I saw him recently and was shocked to find him angry with me. I tried to gently explain what had happened. But to no avail.
I (40s) was just “dumped” by a DA (30s). She’s a coworker (stupid I know). We got to know each other for a bit, she showed high interest in me, so I gave her my number. We texted and talked at work all day everyday. We really started connecting and everything felt natural/right. She was talking about being together for Valentine’s Day (around 2 months away) going on vacations and taking my kids with us, going to concerts, etc. She told me that no man has ever treated her as well as I did. We had a wonderful official first date. Over 4 hours of talking, laughing, holding hands, kissing, etc. I was thinking that there was real future potential with us. Then the next day she goes cold, says she’s “not sure she can match my feelings” and doesn’t want to see me anymore. So now I have to see her a few times a week at work, thinking how she threw away something potentially special. From now on, I’m going to run away from women who have poor relationships with their fathers, because every woman I’ve met that is a DA has “daddy issues”. I’m not going to go through this again.
Try 4 years and married 2 of them with what I thought was my perfect match. Then... After we tired the knot.... Slowly but surely.... She started pulling away one drop at a time. This was my wife... And the last 4 to 6 months she shut down on me so hard that I couldn't even talk to her physically out of text her... Needless to say what are the most traumatizing things I've ever experienced... But if she felt that she needed to be that with me.... Didn't respect and love what I gave to her.... Then I left !!! Hardest thing I've ever did in my life.... But I'm free from all the worry the pain the non-intimacy... The shift blaming when all I wanted was to love this woman my wife. I tried everything.... But she devalued me she turned me into a beta male in her mind and I was gone 😑
Update #2: She texted me again after 15 days of no contact. Said she “doesn’t know why she’s so hot/cold” but misses me, etc. just 3 days later, she’s already pulling back again and I didn’t hear from her at all yesterday. Oh well…. on the same day she broke no contact, I started talking to another woman that seems secure and might actually knows what she wants.
Yes, there's not a lot to say because that is literally the nature of a secure type. All the insecure types have their nuances that must be navigated, secure not so much. But also don't forget that secure is like the neutral position too, people aren't JUST avoident or anxious, they lean from the centre one way or another.
Thank you for your videos and content. I am a social worker and started watching your videos to brush up on attachment style psych theory, but ended up staying and continuing to watch because I am an slightly anxious preoccupied individual currently in a relationship with a dissmissive avoidnat partner. It has been a huge and sometimes hard learning curve, but I believe we both love each other and want it to work. Your vidoes have been helpful breakdowns that have given me tools and language to approach my partner with meaningful conversation and I deeply appreciate it.
After one month of no contact he called me to ask if he could come by..I said yes. He came over to tell me that HIS MOTHER was asking about me every day…he looked absolutely miserable , a handsome face that had not smiled in a long time. It broke my heart as much as the break up did. Was this an attempt to re connect?
I'd say so. It's so hard for them to be vulnerable and outright say what they want to say. Maybe he did this hoping you would help him along and initiate a reconciliation? My ex DA has been a mess lately and saying things that are confusing as well. One of the things was reaching out to ask me to talk to his daughter about something. Her and I are fairly close, but it was an odd request. Then he reached out saying he loves me and how he's a mess over some stress in his life but never brought us up. Then he reached out again saying that his daughter was raving about a trip we took together a few weeks ago. From what I understand he's moving out of state in a few months so I can't imagine he's trying to get back together, so I have no clue what's happening. I used to be the one fighting for this but I won't do it anymore. They have to learn to be a little more direct without the help of us.
Probably. I don't know if I'd get my hopes up unless he directly says so though. In the meantime I would think about your conditions to taking him back. If he's willing to get therapy or at least watch some videos about avoidant attachment and talk about your connection before you take him back. Think about it hard. When/if he asks to come back, you need to be clear about what you want. And remember to try to be compassionate when setting boundary by using a soft and non threatening tone. Practice it! Good luck!
2nd questions on new dates for men is “Tell me about your family “ Then let them fill in the blanks about “Daddy issues “… That usually describes who they are. Don’t get emotionally attached and take the relationship for what is is…if it’s hot Sex then run with it but no emotion because you know what the relationship is…. If they get flaky, walk away…. It is Not your job to fix broken… Then go live your best life….
IMHO, it's more pain that's not worth the effort to reconnect with a DA, i'm FA and I've had multiple experiences with them. I didn't even get to my dismissive side of things naturally but was forced into it as a means of protection from the inconsistency and confusion. Totally not worth the effort at all.
Walking on egg shells hoping you get it right for them or you'll be hurt and off to heal and get over a heartbreak.. whew that's why Jesus is the way, I'm letting God choose my relationship because this is not healthy for anyone.
@@bombimpressionsministries Relax, God is not a magician, He doesn't say this right here is your partner. what if the other partner doesn't like you then or doesn't agree with that "leading spirit". Remember you can forgo the leading of the Holy Spirit, so it makes sense that God isn't responsible for our choices, so why make it responsible? Just study to show yourself approved and know peace.
Thais Gibson - just want you to know that the Avoidant Attached people are touting you in groups and on a Reddit as the single most person who understands Avoidant Attachment more than anyone else on the internet. You are the leader in educating others and Avoidant attachment styles on discovery and healing. Avoidants get a bad reputation sometimes, but they still want to be understood. I just wanted to let you know, thank you for your awesome work!! ❤😊👏
Wow…this is so spot on. I’m currently getting over a break up with someone that is DA and it took me this long to figure out the real issue. I realize that it would be really difficult for us to work even if we tried mostly because he does not believe in therapy unfortunately.
Your knowledge base of this is amazing and you break it down just like I see it happening with them. In & put, back & forth, yes no maybe so oh no no! Exhaustive for the other person. Thank you for sharing
Question. When a DA shut down and withdraws, do they usually shut down and withdraw from everyone? Or is it just towards the person they were feeling vulnerable or in conflict with? Does it depend on the situation? And is there a way to tell?
From my experience, its the specific person. Almost like a punishment. After the conflict has eased, you'll find that they have quite easily starting spending lots of time with their friends even during times where the DA is normally too busy. The DA I was seeing was great at socializing while still holding back because when you're only expectation is to hang out with friends, there's rarely any pressure to be vulnerable.
Ended it with DA. He brought all my stuff to my house. Spoke with my family after 2 weeks of not talking to me. Not answering texts. Now as he drops my stuff off, he's crying and saying he doesn't understand. It was over because he stopped talking to me and got angry everything we had a conflict or if I brought something up.
I have dealt with a lot of DAs and that's not been my own experience. It may take a long time months, but they usually reach out. Maybe it's because I'm secure/FA and I create dynamics where they get addicted to me.
They will but it will take a long time, if you reach out first it will take even longer. They need to think you don’t care anymore before they reach out
He told me once "love is a choice" and that blew my mind...so I responded to him is he just choosing not to love me? Then he finally broke down into it's about attraction and he's not attracted to me. He actually asked me to kiss him then sat like a wine tasting trying to figure out if he liked it....never had any physical relationship after that...4 years he kept dating me calling it friendship but it was actually a situationship
Anyone who has anything other then secure attachment shouldn't bother with a relationship until they healed because they put people through hell and mental torture your not the only one in the relationship and you must take accountability for your actions. Stop hurting people who have good intentions.
Great content and just recently did the 7 day trial and it's totally worth it! I didn't know these different types of attachment styles before and it great to know this now and gives a better perspective on how to deal with and communicate with the various attachment styles.
I identify so much with DA attachment style, I'll spend my entire life trying to avoid feelings or pretend that I don't feel them with fear of looking stupid or week, if its romantic feelings I'll do the same but with fear of rejection or heartbreak. When someone works hard enough to break my walls, when IN a relationship I feel like I turn into anxious attachment style, like I need affirmation of this person feelings about me all the time, because in my mind works like "why would anyone love me? I'm boring and have nothing to offer" so I'm always doubting the other person. Now that I know what happens when I get in a relationship, ive become even more dismissive avoidant than ever, because I don't ever want to feel like that again, and I know I'll put anyone through hell even if it's not my intention.
Also, if someone stops talking to me and doesn't make the initiative to reconnect I'll never be the person who goes after anyone. After a breakup I just stop talking to that person and if necessary I'll block them everywhere possible.
Get therapy with someone familiar with your attachment style. It will be the best thing you've ever done. If it doesn't totally work, see multiple therapists. And don't give up! Good luck!
I find tho the DA are distant, i also feel they are good at mirroring you . Id slow down texts, they slow down, its hard.. so no thanks, i hated the mot knowing where i stood..
How to have the conversation with a DA who is completely unable to discuss our situation AT ALL! Still drops in. Still sends texts to show me his grandkids! Leaves little gifts!!! But talk is ONLY about what he has been doing. It’s as though there is a total ‘brain fog’ around the enormity of my pain and anguish. Yes, he has witnessed it as I tried to get him to comment recently. Was so hard for him and crippling for me! Would be so interested in your thoughts Thais. I’m enjoying the PDS course I’m doing. Thank you.
I can relate to this so much. I’d say get out and protect your heart. Is it really worth having a one-sided relationship where you are always the one giving and putting in unreciproked love and time? I had a man with two young kids in my love whom I all loved dearly. But once all seemed to be well and better or just a harder patch he would break up or pull away. And keep sending me photos of the kids. Diminishing me and my feelings “i’m not setting you aside i’m just seeing the bigger picture. It’s not an issure right of now. Let it rest.” And with it he ment hurting my feelings and not wanting to talk it over. And then just continue on like nothing happend. Truely- they know damn well what they did and what they did not do. Save the scared love for someone who can give you the same- with love
I would set a boundary. Tell him if he wants to try a relationship with you, you will keep talking but if not, he needs to leave until he's ready for that. Otherwise this is likely all you will ever get. Good luck.
Is it possible to go from anxious to avoidant? I was anxious a few years ago but I got burned a few times for being too clingy or needy. Learning this only hurt me alot and I still feel the pain most days I find myself being avoidant now because I'm happy alone and do not want to be hurt again
Yes. Each trauma changes someone....but each trauma has a lesson. It's hard to trust again.... but by setting boundaries you can weed out the wrong people...big hugs.
Thais,would you please explain what is the difference between schizoid personalitie disorder and DA's? They just have too many similarities: - pervasive emotional neglect in childhood - short term lived relationships - withdrawal,fantasy world ,situationships - the genetic component - difficultie to show emotions - some of them(just like DA's) state they actually crave intimacy,others represse even the recognition of that fact -just as many DA's state they are very fine and don t desire any change - both are blunt and sometimes can come off as cruel - both can be eather social types or withdrawn,solitary ones (overt and covert schizoid) - both often struggle with some kind of substance use/porn addiction - depression 1) All schoziods are DA's ,but not all DA's are shizoids.So what is the actual difference? 2) Is SPD harder to reprogram/heal than DA? Thank you.
Many also miss the fact that people might be autistic (not schizoid). Limerence, alexithymia, trauma, mind blindness, and double empathy, anxiety and depression...all common in ASD folks. Just an added element to consider.
I'm probably too late, but no, not all schizoids are DA's. But I would say you're not wrong, I used to be an avoidant, but with therapy I've realized that I need and crave connection, and with that I turned to being an anxious, lol
I wonder if im AP or FA. Recently ive realized i only ended up in my past relationships because they chased me. My last ex left me and after 4 years i havent dated anyone anymore because im scared of it ending again. Im anxious with ppl who act avoidant but if someone acts anxious towards me i find it super off putting and i distance myself. I do like unatainable persons and i also like to fantasize about the perfect relationship with 'the one'. But i also feel if i would really 100% be present and open with someone i would feel engulfed and trapped. Idk if i would ever find the one i start getting more doubts.
FA here. I'm in counseling now to try and stop this ridiculous, hurtful pattern of pushing away people I love. I pushed her away, and she even moved away but we were still talking. Only when she slammed the door shut and went No Contact did the real pain start. And I'm sorry that I put her through this. I'm honoring her no contact but it's hard! Some days I am ok. Some days I feel suicidal level despair. I can't send her the letters or a text. I'm sure would make things worse for me, or me find out something I'm not emotionally capable of accepting right now (like if she's already moved on with someone else). This is hell, and I kind of wish I'd just go to sleep one night soon and just not wake up. I'm older so this may be kinda it for me.
How many time you have to go through that cycle?? Wash rins spin and repeat! Its feel like you running but never arrive! The goal is having healthy happy relationship with your partner with DA its impossible! You are waisting your time!
What happens is that they find someone else they make a mistake then try to come back. Then they go and fu k that up too. Then go away for good. But leave feeling empty.
Sounds like what my ex is doing right now...he left and was one week later with another women he knew. I hear that they see each other like only once a month and it is completely differend then when we came togehter. I was basicaly invited in the family on week 1. Guess they arent happy but i dont care anymore...9 months i was crying for him. Now i need respect myself and move on
I don’t even know how to begin to have that conversation as to what needs to change after coming back together (after the attempts of reconnection). I’m also scared that the DA might see it as criticism and pull away again. Do you have a video on that?
You cant have a relationship on the other's terms, you are important too. If they pull away because you want to be important as well, so be it, would never work anyway
Too much work, and too many times being ghosted. And when he finally comes around its my fault. What? This makes me feel so anxious and i really dont like that feeling. Im sure i can meet another man that has interest in me like i have with him. Please Lord! 🌴
Hi, I really appreciate all your content. I am not precisely sure, I think my partner is avoidant(maybe dismissive) and I have been anxious(working on attaining my healthy version) one. Recently(approx 2 weeks) I had to break up with him(felt pushed) and it seemed like my self-respect was at stake(has happened before twice or twice but I ignored it), and I felt he was choking(with me around). I love him enough to not see him in such a situation and so I called it off to give him his space and freedom, I am doing my best to go no contact(somehow have to talk in a group zone, basically same friends). Is there any possibility for us to get back together (FYI, doing my best to move on)? Either way is it possible for you to make any videos that can be of help to me! Thanks😊.
Maybe! I'd consider showing him some of these videos, talking to him about your attachment styles and whether or not he's willing to try to work on your relationship if you take him back. Remember to try to use a compassionate, non threatening tone. Since you broke up with him, it's a bit tricky on whether or not you should reach out or wait. I might wait a few weeks and then reach out with a short message to test the waters. Just somethinf like, "I miss you and I'd like to talk if that's okay with you." Good luck!
My DA story goes like this; met in work. I am in the UK, she was in the USA (company has offices in both locations). We met up, went to Amsterdam, went on a cruise, we had the time of our lives (she said it was the best relationship she has ever been in). I got engaged to her after just 6 months, that's how incredible it all was. Then I found out she'd tried to date a guy from our workplace - which made me feel like she just wanted to date anyone. Then I found out her last relationship was with a guy in Philippines, and then a guy in Canada. Suddenly, I started to feel like I was part of some pattern. I had no idea what the pattern was. Then she began saying I had faults, and I was wrong. She'd argue with me almost constantly. Anything I said was (in her eyes) criticism. This cycle continued. Happy, sad, angry etc She'd fly over to be with me for a few weeks at a time and get angry with me and want to split up. I couldn't take it anymore so I split up with her. Little did I know, splitting up with a DA triggers that feeling of abandonment. We didn't talk for 5 months. She flew back to see me again 5 months later and she split up with me 3 times in 24 hours!!!! It was exhausting and mentally draining. Then I found out she had been screen-shotting my families messages to her (nice messages of course) and her and her sister had been disrespecting my family. I shouted and screamed at her at the top of my lungs. She said she wants nothing more to do with me and blocked me on everything. I truly did love her and the first few months were absolutely INCREDIBLE. But she self-sabotaged the entire relationship. She made fights happen out of nowhere and when I got mad, she's say how it was all my fault and that I didn't compromise or give in to her needs. Not once did she care about my needs or see things from my perspective.
Is it possible to have a mix of two attachment styles? Also, where can I find information about relationships where both people are dismissive avoidant?
I am an FA and my DA has been the most vulnerable than anyone else. I had to let him go because I knew I wasn't as safe of a space for him as I should have been and I was projecting so many of my own unhealed issues on him. I wanted him to change without actually working on myself. That's unfair and cruel to them and ourselves. Before we seek anything from DAs or anyone else for that matter, we have to make sure we ourselves are healed enough to be a healing space for them as well. If i am not a safe space for someone, why is it okay for me to expect them to be mine? It isn't. Wishing healing and power to everyone out here ❤
No one is perfect. No one will ever be a perfectly safe space. That's what therapy is for, and even then if you get the wrong therapist it can be bad. You did the best you could. Don't blame yourself too much. Maybe someday it will work out between you two. Good luck!
The more i watch there videos the more profound feeling of sadness, empathy and grief i have. I wish to find a magic solution in the next video although i know there probably really isnt any,yet i cant stop myself. Fuck my freakin saviour complex. I hate the feelin of helplessness it generates when you just cant help.
What to do when your married to a DA with kids and recentely seperated? Completely no contact is no option since we have kids so whats the best thing to do? Im a member of PDS btw!
@@melaninqueen6926 she knows it, and she knows I'm not comfortable being vulnerable like her, but I guess I need to vulnerable around her, that's what thais said today in her video
I have started dating a girl who is younger than me that I have come to realise has a DA attachment style. She appeared really into me at first, then hit me with a heap of insecurities and trust issues, accused me of seeing someone else, lying to her about it and questioning my integrity in many ways. She also has daddy issues and appears to reinforce the dynamic between us especially when things are intimate. I have tried to be understanding, kind, considerate and give her my time when she wants. Suffering now ongoing hot/cold behaviour, pushing me away regularly and starting fights about me having female friends that she accuses me of sleeping with. I really like this girl but find it hard to weather the ongoing storm. Don't know how to get through to her that I'm authentic and mean her no harm. She has been lied to and let down in the past and I think this is why she won't let her guard down and trust anyone.
She kind of sounds more like an anxious type, jealousy and insecurity like that, and avoident would put space between you and probably break up all of a sudden. Sounds like she has some trauma, she needs therapy it'd help a lot.
I got tired, in an LDR, of being left in the dark about 99% of her life. 1 message in 2 1/2 weeks. Told me she had surgery. No idea why. No details. I sent a goodbye msg. The reply was tearful emojis. That's it.
The DA outed me in the most pathetic manner. I am a closeted guy, only a few people know. Few months back my narcissist mother called the cops on me, saying I was going to kill her and I am on drugs. I called the DA as he's a lawyer. After I bailed out, I was thankful he helped me. Later on he went to my friends told everyone I beat my mother and told them every little secret about my family dynamics. Even though he knew everything, he made it seem like I was the bad guy and a drug abuser. He exposed my sexuality too as I was dating him back then. Later on when I confronted him about how he could have done that, there was no remorse and instead told me to f**k off. This was the guy I was chasing like a dog and now he's married to a woman. I hope you people move on with your lives and stop chasing these a holes. They will shred you to pieces and act like nothings happened.
I just discovered that my ex is an avoidant and I really want to tell him for his own good. He doesn't know he is. He broke up with me and it's been a few weeks, but we talked it out and now he said he wants to be alone and mentioned wanting to go to the psychologist, so I want to give them this information (that might be wrong but I think my hunch isn't wrong) so that he can heal better. I decided to go no contact though. It's so frustrating 😭
Hey, he is seeing a psychologist (hopefully) and that is more than more DAs do. Hopefully the psychologist will figure this out. I'd at least wait until he reaches out again, ask about his therapy and then ask him (as casually as you can) if he's heard of avoidant attachment? Then send the video is he seems okay with it. Good luck!
How does this apply to borderline type ex’s? My undiagnosed BPD ex gf blocked me 6 weeks ago and hasn’t reached out. It was over some drama that stemmed from a very minor occurrence that went way too far. Oddly I’m blocked from everything except a google calendar that she has not removed me from being able to see. And because she knows i can see it, she only puts stuff in it like getting her oil changed, getting nails done, doc appts etc. with times and locations. Nothing social at all is in the calendar. I assume she is trying to get me to run into her somewhere, but I can’t be sure. So I just go about my life. Maybe at some point she will unblock me and reach out. Who knows. But I’m not going to chase her. Is this her indirectly reaching out?
Unfortunately she will come back. But it will take probably take months or longer. But take it as a blessing, FAs and BPD are have some similarities. I used to be heavy FA. I used to block for months even years. But I would always come back. Unless the person is doing a heavy DBT program and has been doing it for years I recommend you move on. Become secure and you will find someone else.
It's only minor if you both think it's minor...just saying. And even if it is, it may have been the last straw. BPD is a mental illness and attachment styles are not. If she does have BPD or any other she needs to get diagnosed and get treatment. And then she can figure out which attachment style she is...people with BPD are more likely to have anxious attachment style, but they can have others. And even if someone becomes more secure they will still have mental illness. Perhaps you're the dismissive one... there's just too little information to know all of the answers.
@@rosestewart1606 appreciate your reply. without a doubt it wasn’t minor to her. Because it spiraled out of control. I’m just wondering (mostly) if I’ll hear from her again using this NC method. I may be dismissive, but I feel like I’m more anxious. And you may be right that this was the final straw. She “broke” up with me once before over a weekend. My opinion is that she was testing the water for my reaction. And of course I chased her. This time seems a little more final. I’m heartbroken, but healing. She had a very traumatic child hood and I’m told by therapists/psychologists she was displaying text book signs of BPD that were witnessed by them. Thanks again
Are you sure it’s not Narcissistic PD? The Narcissist knows what they’re doing and can control it, the BPD person can’t really control it. Breaking up with you over a weekend or less than a week is a tactic my ex used on me, the boyfriend before me, and the boyfriend after me. It was at about the 6-8 week mark in all of them. Gets you hooked. Builds the Trauma bond. Be careful bruh.
love the extra content about avoidants, really need all the help we can get! thank you. i have a suggestion about the channel. i wonder if you've considered pruning some of the negative comments. my belief that i'm basically no good for anyone has caused me to reject love over and over leading to a pretty sad life (haha....) and coming here reading comments from people saying that we're all monsters, no one should ever get involved with us, we are broken & not worth it blah blah blah is really painful and discouraging. most of the time i just don't read the comments but who can resist poking a wound sometimes? and tbh, the first time i ever saw them it made me want to disconnect from this content and just give up on myself. while i totally respect their pain and dont doubt they've had really difficult experiences, if people are not capable of showing compassion and if their words are hurting people unfairly (let's be honest - the DAs reading those mean comments are the ones who are trying to get better and are trying not to hurt people) i think it would be good to just remove them. imagine if people were commenting on videos about APs in ways that reinforced their painful core beliefs that they were "too much" or whatever, and getting hundreds of likes for it. for the DA haters: i get it, i don't like me either, but i am the way i am because i was neglected badly as a child, and i would rather live a life empty of love and connection than ever hurt you. please be nice. rant over. love u thais xoxo
I’m currently dating a DA (I believe), and it’s pretty new (a few months). It’s sometimes challenging because I’m a AP-leaning FA and trying to become securely attached. But he’s a good man and I believe being a little patient for and understanding. In the end it’s not his job to make me happy - it’s mine. It’s my work. And then we will see where things land. You’re not a monster. Hang in there. You are correct we are ALL here to learn and grow. Don’t let the haters get to you.
When the going gets tough don’t get going, be aware your partner also has fears and risks being hurt by you too. Dont fulfill your stereotype by hitting the road at the first feeling of discomfort.
I disagree. Reading the comments has been therapeutic for me after surviving a DA relationship. You deserve much praise for being self aware and willing to work on yourself. However, we don't need to control the free speech of hurt, broken and traumatized people. There's people here that have wasted years of their life in a confusing cycle, full of cognitive dissonance. There's people here that thought, for years, that they were going crazy, that they were unlovable, that they had been discarded like trash. Expressing the pain, anger and bitterness will help people move on to a place of empathy. That's just my experience anyway. I needed to be angry and take him off the pedestal. After 4 months I'm finally less angry and understand why he did these things. Soon enough I'll probably just feel sorry for him. All the best in your healing journey.
@@anniiKn thanks! no problem with people talking about the ways theyve been hurt and how DA behaviour made them feel. in fact it's actually important for DAs to read about just how bad things can go. i just don't think the comments about how DAs are like, fundamentally bad people, not worthy of or capable of love, and how everyone should just like contemptuously avoid them or abandon them are helpful for either side. it's the big pile-ons that get to me. i don't personally believe that that behaviour eventually leads everyone to a place of compassion or eventual peace. ah anyway, maybe i'm just coming at it from a place of hurt feelings. just a suggestion anyway. all the best to you as well and i hope you can find a love that feels safe, comfortable and sane, and that heals you from all the shit you went through
so i just had a conflict w one bc he keeps cancelling plans ignoring me after a long break we were to meet to reevaluate . i lean more anxious but we get along most of the time but .. i reach my limit this time and confronted him is that a bad thing ? i know they are sensitive but should i wait more than 3 days?
Iduring my early dating years and I couldn’t figure out why there were real jerks out there. I remember my dad saying women always fall for the riverboat gambler. It made since and I learned quickly. Why invest energy in negative crap. Just learn and run😉
As much as DAs shut down at conflict, they are quick to create it and then take very little accountability… hard work
I think your right! Dang.
So true.
Very true!
Thank you for calling this out. The DA I’m with seems to be extremely quick to cause conflict and make their emotions as big as possible, and use manipulative tactics to try and take control of things, and then they’ll act like nothing happened 20 minutes later.
😅😅
Avoidants definitely teach you how to only invest at their level and not over invest that's for sure...They are a hard but necessary lesson for us anxious attachments working towards secure attachments...
Thiiissssssssss.
Im exhausted so exhausted that my exhaustion is exhausted.
I cant
Top comment of all of the comments. 😄
🫂
Yes! How I feel... :(
Same
I got exhausted just reading your comment.
It’s important to remember all Narcissists have insecure attachment styles but not all insecure attachment styles individuals are narcissists.
@@SallySkellington94 Isn't that one of it's hallmarks? They don't do intimacy.
Also important to remember that having narcissistic behaviors doesn't make you a narcissist in the clinical sense(Narcissistic Personality Disorder).
@@SallySkellington94 people find it le satisfying to diagnose someone than to just call them a selfish jerk.
But is so hard to tell which is which when it comes to DAs
@@nandaflorentino Why even entertain it to begin with if you don't have enough context to know either way? it might be hard if you're a person who primarily speaks and understands emotional language, because DAs are going to be significantly less emotional than you and they don't often express themselves that way. But if you can connect to them in more intellectual ways first, you have an easier path to tracking their emotions and the context of their behaviors.
so even if they regret losing the relationship they will repress that feeling to feel better. it seems they live in a never ending struggle to pretend that everything is ok
Or to force u to act like it’s ok. Bc if u bring it up in anyway they will lash out at u. N then deflect. I’m not playing those games they can stay in their endless cycle of misery
@@amandalongman737 Once I learned about DA attachment style I refused to play too and left after 2.5 years. Now I'm healing my heart, it's only been 3 weeks.
You hit the nail on the head. I'm DA in recovery. Everytime my wife would confront me with a problem to be addressed I would say I don't know what to do (I really sad no idea). Then there would be consequences because she didn't get her needs met and I would just tell myself "that's the way it is now". Even though I was the one shutting down and closing and killing the relationship, my internal feelings were that I was a failure for not finding a solution and there was nothing I could do to make my wife happy (let alone connected) and that's how relationships were. That her wants were brought about by her own mind and that I couldn't do anything to effect it good or bad.
@@andrewmeppen8068 thank you for sharing. it's rare to have an insight into DA's mind. i wish you a fulfilling healing. I recently ended a relationship and friendship with my ex who was an extreme case of a DA after 3 years of being together. now i'm too healing and working on rebuilding self-esteem
I never regretted anything and anyone. Billions of people on the planet so who tf is you lol. Once I go no contact I neve look back and I don’t feel crap hence my blatant honesty. Like bye biotch.
What happens is you save yourself, learn your lesson and move foreward.
Exactly.
I'm DA and these videos help so much to see how and why I think and react the way I do. It really helps to make me more self aware. I don't always catch myself right away but noticing at all is so much better than not. The realization of how much emotional hurt it causes others makes me feel so...... selfish.
It is selfish honestly. Get therapy and try to heal yourself before you date again and hurt someone else.
@MadisonEstes I am.. it's going well! That is the right advice and I appreciate the input, thanks
I see it as self protection. Most of us are doing the best we can at any given time. Once you know better and are aware, you can do better. Props to you for taking the steps to create a better life for yourself and others ❤
This is the right mindset. Good for you for working on it. Wish my DA had.
I told my therapist it was hard to let go because I could see the wounded child in him so easily. She said, “but can he see the wounded child in you?”
I think the answer to that question is what separates the healing avoidants from the unhealed ones.
How many times am i going to have to watch these videos and read the comments to accept that my ex DA isn’t for me? It’s like how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? the world may never know…
Damn…ive been asking myself this exact question. Im so tired
Well, it's 770 licks. Just don't let it take you that many times lol
Stop watching these, start getting hobbies, especially gym, and get a partner
I think it's ok to dig until you find the nuggets of truth that solidify it for you.
@@dharmadharma3960you are right
I was secure before I met my ex DA. His behaviour triggered me and made me anxious and I hate it. I wish I had known about attachment styles - I feel I would have managed the dynamic so much better and not allowed myself to be triggered.
Thais - I respect that you say they avoid conflict. But often it is their behavior that causes the conflict.
I hate conflict and try to avoid conflict, but my DA's behaviour triggered me and caused conflict.
They need to be shown this to highlight this to them.
Most people dont want conflict.
Right
Yes!
Hi, but hows he trigguers u? Mine only avoid and ghosted me, we was not more dating but I sent him message how I felt and didnt want to finished la ke that and he ghosted me for 1 week, then he sent me a long text apologysing for his behavior and wishing meim better, explainning me how he felt about him self so weird, even he missed my smile.. I stayed more confused even
The key is once you do gain a secure attachment style, you won’t tolerate DA behavior anymore, that’s the trick to never getting triggered again.
My DA, after 7 years of working on seeing he is actually DA, has finally started to see he adds and will even admit now to creating conflict. If it's a trigger for him he says his brain is automatically ready to redo any argument that is related to that trigger. The problem is he can't see it... yet... when it's happening. His brain has already deemed the person who brought that trigger up as the person starting the conflict. So if I'm joking around about something regarding a trigger from his past that I'm not aware of, he will flip on his defense and assume I'm arguing. He can't hear me or thinks I'm manipulating or "downplaying " my role in hurting him, if I try to explain it wasn't about him or related to an issue. His mind brings up those harsh memories and replaces me and my intentions. Since I've been backing off and not tolerating his hurtful behavior, I've noticed once he cools down he has been reaching out to me on his own. If I send him a message saying how much I empathize with him on how the issue happened to make him feel, he is really receptive to it and will admit to over reacting, he has apologized for accusing me and has invited a scheduled time and day to communicate about what happened.
I'm sticking to this because otherwise, our live is amazing everyday. His fear of conflict is our only struggle. He is worth learning to be with. He has shown I'm worth being with to him for allowing me so much access to his vulnerability. I just hope I can keep this up and more trust is developed in our relationship.
Perfect order ! Avoidant people are not vulnerable. Fundamentally, I would even question if it's possible to have a fullfilling emotional relationship with a person who is unwilling to be vulnerable.
It wasn’t safe for them to be vulnerable. Make them feel safe. Show them what happens when they are vulnerable.
@AA-fz3lj True. Good point. How would we know if someone can cross this barrier or not? Attachment style is quite a strong trait. It's a lot of work to become vulnerable, for any of us. How can we find out that the avoidant is willing to embrace the journey before spending more time and energy?
@@aditichandrasekar3279 You seem to be falling into the trap of thinking any avoidant is in the wrong and that they need to adapt to fit your needs. A true partnership on both parts understands there's two folks involved with positive and negative issues. There is no knowing the outcome for any partner, tend to think communication is the key for a successful partnership.
Avoidant folks can be vulnerable, although having said that I fail to understand how being vulnerable is remotely attractive, apart from for selfish reasoning, maybe am missing something???
@@aditichandrasekar3279 Most of the time, They won´t change. It´s all about ego, most people like that will dismiss people rather than fixing the relationship. Pride and ego is stronger than compassion and empathy. I would love to see my ex change but i doubt it. They are either too scared or just as i desribed and nowadays, modern era offers quick fixes and easy new relationships
If you show them you sympathise and understand their needs they relax and feel safe. My FA(currently ex) is emotionally available, she doesn't bring her issues to me but she shows me love and is vulnerable because of that. It's all about voicing each others expectations, then there's no surprises and your avoident can relax.
I just dated what seemed to be a very nice lady for about 2 months. Instantly hit it off from the first date. Shared our past relationships issues, current struggles, future wants and fears, had fun doing common interest things, she made future dates to meet her kids etc. Sexual attraction was off the charts. She would say how much she missed me and that we needed to spend more time with each other. Within a week she went dark. No reason, no call, no text, nothing. She really seemed to have her act together. I really didn't take her for the ghosting type. It's crazy how some people act.
Avoidants are so complicated and actually really needy underneath. I find it exhausting watching videos about them- so I shall stop! 🛑 😂
no we are needy lol we have standards and busy life bruh
its been 5 days i havent spoken to him i dont think he has realized it he must be feeling relief cos now he doesnt have to give me too much and in the meantime i am losing interest and spending time with my friends, myself and my hobbies and sleeping early too im an fa im no longer going to chase or beg for him im no longer going to accept his breadcrumbs he had freindzoned me all of sudden
how is it going now?
This happened to me. I took him back when I was vulnerable.
Just been ghosted again, helped him through a tough patch, he doesn’t reciprocate though.
Gave him tons of space. They give you the “slow fade”….
Their childhood wounds aren’t our problem, I’ve got my own anc try to give out goodness in the world. Only way. Sorry this happened. ❤
I like how your brain is so well educated about psychology and how you are able to share/give that knowledge to others In a way that is easily understood.
I don't believe I feel that from everyone.
Sometimes I try to learn from some & it gets confusing to me , so I'm simply trying to recognize and appreciate you ❤.
❤
I love how the videos just get even more high quality and nuanced each day ❤
Thank you for your comment! ❤
But u need to have him watch it too😊
Please more DA videos. Why do they take a criticism or argument so personal, but easily criticize you and speak to you as if you are a child? How come they get upset if you don’t want to be their friend after a breakup? Why can they keep a friendship, but not a relationship? Why do they rely on their kids for emotional support? Why don’t they see the double standards?
Exactly the DA I was with all his kids cut him off because he was emotionally unavailable to them growing up so sad.
Girl, everything you mentioned, is my experience. The Holy Spirit showed me they rely heavily on their children to the point it can be borderline Emotional Incest is because their children can't reject them l8ke we can. They have the power & the ball is in their court. They can regulate & control the temperature of the relationship. The second time I broke up with my DA was because he kept talking about us having babies & not marriage. When in the beginning he was talking more about marriage. I told him I'm not about to go to yo family cookout & don't nobody know who I am wit a belly poked out. I said that type if behavior is when you 19 & 30 & don't know any better. I noticed he does more on his daughters than his son, especially his oldest. He post her all the time. Post pics of them at different spots. They even visited Chicago for Thanksgiving 2023. Now there is a huge Wedge in our relationship because he said once his daughter graduates high school, he can pursue a relationship with me. I told him that if your daughter is leaving, we still should meet so I can create a bond with her before she leaves. He made every excuse in the book against it. I said your daughter is not little. Besides as a senior she's thinking about boys & prom. Well she's in college now & it's 🦗🦗🦗 on our relationship because I'm in the comments typing this!😢
@@maralinautube wow thank you for explaining it and now I see. My ex is very close to his kids especially the girls and I realized there will always be something. They are all great kids, but he kept taking trips to Atlanta to get one daughter situated in an apartment and we had to move out of our house bc he also had to buy her a car. I know the next daughter is about to graduate college and wants to move out of the country. I knew it would be something else that would get all his attention. Oh and his ex wife is sometimes there for it as well with him. Nah, I had to go. This why my 3rd and last breakup.
@eileendom5858 Yes, sis, you are so welcome! At this point, knowing what God said about OUR relationship, I have pleaded & petitioned my case to OUR Holy Father. The Holy Spirit can deal with ALL THESE UNCLEAN spirits they wrestle with. Marine Kingdom has Leviathan, which deals with PRIDE & STUBBORNNESS & Jezebel (aka Narcissism), do it's bidding. They have yet to COMPLETELY surrender themselves UNDER the AUTHORITY of Christ & that's why they are influenced by all these unclean spirits.
DAs don't criticize easily at all, you heard Thaiss, they don't handle conflicta. Also they cannot maintaine friendships either. DAs don't tend to stay friends after a breakup, there is nothing easier for a DA than to cut people out of their lives. I think you incorrectly associate the described behaviors with dismissive avoidant attachment stlye.
My DA and i broke up 3 months ago and this is a textbook example. At first i could see how relieved he was and he was reaching out sometimes talking to me like i am his friend having smalltalk. After about a month i got more distant and so did he. Now he started sending me memes and reels and i don't really know what's his intention because as soon as i react to it and we start talking a little he distances himself again. I feel sorry for him because of his attachment style. It must be hard when your feelings and your mind are in a constant conflict with eachother
Thais has a older video on indirect contact and other signs you may see from a DA, titled, "Signs A Dismissive Avoidant Misses You (After A Breakup) | Dismissive Avoidant Attachment". She makes a statement in the video that comes to mind when the DA starts their pattern of indirect contact. Quote; "they miss you (the DA) but they aren't willing to do the work to fully get back together". Now I totally disregard the memes, songs and photos. If he wants to talk to me, he has to pick up the phone and call. Best wishes to you.
SAME it’s wild. We’re at the getting more distant phase right now after friends small talk kind of pattern directly after the breakup. I stopped all contact 2 weeks ago
I broke up a week ago, and he talks to me like I'm his friend, would send me good morning and all
I wonder of he'd come back. He told me yesterday that he doesn't have a problem with me, and that he has a problem with relationships.
Make them not your problem anymore. ❤
@@clarascully68 what
Can’t wait for the app!
Finding Thais’a content and school
Is literally like being given glasses and seeing clearly for the first time ever. The hardest part is losing having an ex you know is walking blind and will not try on the glasses you know will make them see as clearly as you and stop walking head first into a wall. Positive thing is I now have the clarity to no longer get in my own way and have a successful relationship with someone else willing to work to on things instead of walking away with no discussion. Currently in no contact for my own peace and am working on remembering the bad and not be reminiscent of the few good times. Bad far outweighs the good if I’m honest.
Android app is up.
Wish you the best in your healing jounrey and so glad you're here with us ❤
Dear Thais, you have helped me so very much!!! I have been in counseling since I was 18 when my father went into recovery for alcoholism. I am in my 60s now and have vigorously pursued healing. I scored all 3 unhealthy attachment styles when I first took your attachment test. With listening to all of your free material I now score a secure attachment❤️❤️❤️I am so grateful to you for making this all so clear to me. The fog cleared and I slowly became secure in me and all the broken, angry, needy fell away. THANK YOU for the peace and tranquility I now feel (words fail me here) sending you DEAR ONE so much love and gratitude ❤️❤️THANKING GOD HE SENT YOU and you saved me from constant hell. TY MUCH LOVE
@@cmac9782 So happy to read this!! You deserve this and I wish you continued happiness in your journey! ❤❤❤
My ex created the conflict by cheating, triangulation, gas lighting and a pathetic attempt at blame shifting… a truly sick individual at the core.
Sounds like a narcissist.
Thank you for giving the da's this attention and insightful videos. I often come back to your videos to cross check if I'm improving. I feel less alone here so thank you.
Hope we are helping ❤ Thanks for being here
Great video. My ex DA does this. We were friends for much longer than we dated so while we're back to being platonic friends, we still confide in each other and occasionally say I love you. I have such a soft spot for DA's and as a healing FA who was heartbroken over a DA, I still love and appreciate them.
❤
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I’m an AP in love with a DA. We’ve been dating a little over a year, friends for much longer. It’s an extremely hard road. We just had a great last ‘date’ where he actually was vulnerable for the first time around his last relationship which I found out was pretty bad for him (I don’t have any details as he didn’t share very much. The fact that he shared this at all was a significant breakthrough). Something tells me his last relationship was more serious & recent than I thought which is contributing to his extra cautious nature and being so guarded. But we take a few steps forward then I feel like a million steps back. The fact he only answers/acknowledges a few of my texts really hurts. I’ve scaled back significantly on my messages to him. He doesn’t like the phone so our only communication is in person and when we started dating we were seeing each other about once a week. Since this past September I’ve only seen him 3x. Granted we had a fallout and didn’t see him for 2 months; then he was out of the country on a family vacation for 2 1/2 months. Now I’ll be going out of town for the holidays so that makes another month. I told him when I return I’d like us to see each other once a week. I’ve tried to remain hopeful but I think this is a losing battle for me. I’m really heartbroken.
That sounds a bit unhealthy to me. Especially the I love you part. Sounds like neither of you have moved on. I hope you at least had a long separation before you tried to be friends again.
I love my DA. This is all very true for our FA/DA dynamic
Thank you for sharing ❤
I dated a DA 20 years ago. It was blissful for about 6 months, we even talked about getting married. But then the flaw finding and criticizing started. Around that time he even started collecting and filling up our house with stuff I didn’t want. It didn’t matter what I said. I ultimately left, married someone else a few years later. He never got married. I saw him recently and was shocked to find him angry with me. I tried to gently explain what had happened. But to no avail.
I bet they took zero responsibility, too. It was all your fault, lol. I'm happy you were able to move on & find someone better ❤
@@mmt2310 Thank you ❤
@@mmt2310 Avoidant types generally are better at taking responsibility than anxious types.
I (40s) was just “dumped” by a DA (30s). She’s a coworker (stupid I know). We got to know each other for a bit, she showed high interest in me, so I gave her my number.
We texted and talked at work all day everyday. We really started connecting and everything felt natural/right. She was talking about being together for Valentine’s Day (around 2 months away) going on vacations and taking my kids with us, going to concerts, etc. She told me that no man has ever treated her as well as I did.
We had a wonderful official first date. Over 4 hours of talking, laughing, holding hands, kissing, etc. I was thinking that there was real future potential with us.
Then the next day she goes cold, says she’s “not sure she can match my feelings” and doesn’t want to see me anymore.
So now I have to see her a few times a week at work, thinking how she threw away something potentially special.
From now on, I’m going to run away from women who have poor relationships with their fathers, because every woman I’ve met that is a DA has “daddy issues”. I’m not going to go through this again.
Sorry for your experience.May you get healed with time.❤
It sounds like she is just not that into you 😕
I agree with the female DA and daddy issue dynamic. MANY!!!! Not just a coincidence... (ADHD too)
Try 4 years and married 2 of them with what I thought was my perfect match. Then... After we tired the knot.... Slowly but surely.... She started pulling away one drop at a time. This was my wife... And the last 4 to 6 months she shut down on me so hard that I couldn't even talk to her physically out of text her... Needless to say what are the most traumatizing things I've ever experienced... But if she felt that she needed to be that with me.... Didn't respect and love what I gave to her.... Then I left !!! Hardest thing I've ever did in my life.... But I'm free from all the worry the pain the non-intimacy... The shift blaming when all I wanted was to love this woman my wife. I tried everything.... But she devalued me she turned me into a beta male in her mind and I was gone 😑
Update #2: She texted me again after 15 days of no contact. Said she “doesn’t know why she’s so hot/cold” but misses me, etc. just 3 days later, she’s already pulling back again and I didn’t hear from her at all yesterday.
Oh well…. on the same day she broke no contact, I started talking to another woman that seems secure and might actually knows what she wants.
I wish people would also talk much more about the Secure attachment style
There's less to say, but if you search her channel she has many videos on secure styles
Yes, there's not a lot to say because that is literally the nature of a secure type. All the insecure types have their nuances that must be navigated, secure not so much. But also don't forget that secure is like the neutral position too, people aren't JUST avoident or anxious, they lean from the centre one way or another.
Thank you for your videos and content. I am a social worker and started watching your videos to brush up on attachment style psych theory, but ended up staying and continuing to watch because I am an slightly anxious preoccupied individual currently in a relationship with a dissmissive avoidnat partner. It has been a huge and sometimes hard learning curve, but I believe we both love each other and want it to work. Your vidoes have been helpful breakdowns that have given me tools and language to approach my partner with meaningful conversation and I deeply appreciate it.
Good luck!!!
Definitely more on avoidant men. This is a huge issue. I had no idea there were terms and levels to this!
After one month of no contact he called me to ask if he could come by..I said yes. He came over to tell me that HIS MOTHER was asking about me every day…he looked absolutely miserable , a handsome face that had not smiled in a long time. It broke my heart as much as the break up did. Was this an attempt to re connect?
I'd say so. It's so hard for them to be vulnerable and outright say what they want to say. Maybe he did this hoping you would help him along and initiate a reconciliation? My ex DA has been a mess lately and saying things that are confusing as well. One of the things was reaching out to ask me to talk to his daughter about something. Her and I are fairly close, but it was an odd request. Then he reached out saying he loves me and how he's a mess over some stress in his life but never brought us up. Then he reached out again saying that his daughter was raving about a trip we took together a few weeks ago. From what I understand he's moving out of state in a few months so I can't imagine he's trying to get back together, so I have no clue what's happening. I used to be the one fighting for this but I won't do it anymore. They have to learn to be a little more direct without the help of us.
Probably. I don't know if I'd get my hopes up unless he directly says so though. In the meantime I would think about your conditions to taking him back. If he's willing to get therapy or at least watch some videos about avoidant attachment and talk about your connection before you take him back. Think about it hard. When/if he asks to come back, you need to be clear about what you want. And remember to try to be compassionate when setting boundary by using a soft and non threatening tone. Practice it! Good luck!
I would say so. Where are u now?
2nd questions on new dates for men is “Tell me about your family “ Then let them fill in the blanks about “Daddy issues “…
That usually describes who they are.
Don’t get emotionally attached and take the relationship for what is is…if it’s hot Sex then run with it but no emotion because you know what the relationship is….
If they get flaky, walk away….
It is Not your job to fix broken…
Then go live your best life….
DA dont mind if you're in no contact with them
Haaa. Best comment - and so true!
How about the stage where you don’t notice they’ve stopped talking to you
That's the 'winner winner chicken dinner' stage 😊
IMHO, it's more pain that's not worth the effort to reconnect with a DA, i'm FA and I've had multiple experiences with them.
I didn't even get to my dismissive side of things naturally but was forced into it as a means of protection from the inconsistency and confusion.
Totally not worth the effort at all.
Walking on egg shells hoping you get it right for them or you'll be hurt and off to heal and get over a heartbreak.. whew that's why Jesus is the way, I'm letting God choose my relationship because this is not healthy for anyone.
@@bombimpressionsministries Relax, God is not a magician, He doesn't say this right here is your partner. what if the other partner doesn't like you then or doesn't agree with that "leading spirit".
Remember you can forgo the leading of the Holy Spirit, so it makes sense that God isn't responsible for our choices, so why make it responsible?
Just study to show yourself approved and know peace.
Good stuff can you please do a series of videos on the dynamics of married couples with these insecure attachment style
Thais Gibson - just want you to know that the Avoidant Attached people are touting you in groups and on a Reddit as the single most person who understands Avoidant Attachment more than anyone else on the internet. You are the leader in educating others and Avoidant attachment styles on discovery and healing. Avoidants get a bad reputation sometimes, but they still want to be understood. I just wanted to let you know, thank you for your awesome work!! ❤😊👏
I love the analogy of money in bank account! and the stages you described here!
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Wow…this is so spot on. I’m currently getting over a break up with someone that is DA and it took me this long to figure out the real issue. I realize that it would be really difficult for us to work even if we tried mostly because he does not believe in therapy unfortunately.
This reminds me of John gottmans sound house theory & the concept of emotional bank account. I wonder how this would play put foe the AP/DA DYNAMIC
Your knowledge base of this is amazing and you break it down just like I see it happening with them. In & put, back & forth, yes no maybe so oh no no! Exhaustive for the other person. Thank you for sharing
You’re a wonderful lady giving us knowledge, hope, and understanding! ❤
Question. When a DA shut down and withdraws, do they usually shut down and withdraw from everyone? Or is it just towards the person they were feeling vulnerable or in conflict with? Does it depend on the situation? And is there a way to tell?
That’s a question I want to know
From my experience, its the specific person. Almost like a punishment. After the conflict has eased, you'll find that they have quite easily starting spending lots of time with their friends even during times where the DA is normally too busy. The DA I was seeing was great at socializing while still holding back because when you're only expectation is to hang out with friends, there's rarely any pressure to be vulnerable.
My ex DA used to shut down from everyone.
I’ve seen it happen both ways from the same DA. I would really love to know more about this.
Usually just the person, because they fear intimacy. Not everyone is "too close" for them, just the one person.
Ended it with DA. He brought all my stuff to my house. Spoke with my family after 2 weeks of not talking to me. Not answering texts. Now as he drops my stuff off, he's crying and saying he doesn't understand. It was over because he stopped talking to me and got angry everything we had a conflict or if I brought something up.
This was quite helpful. Thank you for your videos.
I find you to be such a valuable resource but please slow down… your great contributions to these subjects are appreciated…
You can slow down the video so it’s easier to listen to it. 😊
They move on with their life and forget you 🤷🏻♀️ They don’t message you again
I have dealt with a lot of DAs and that's not been my own experience. It may take a long time months, but they usually reach out. Maybe it's because I'm secure/FA and I create dynamics where they get addicted to me.
@cappygurl you are so right mine always reached out this time he asked me would o like him to smoke me a turkey. And we are not together.
@@cappygurlsame, the two avoidants I had in my life always come back. I'm an FA, as well.
Mine always reaches out.
They will but it will take a long time, if you reach out first it will take even longer. They need to think you don’t care anymore before they reach out
He told me once "love is a choice" and that blew my mind...so I responded to him is he just choosing not to love me? Then he finally broke down into it's about attraction and he's not attracted to me. He actually asked me to kiss him then sat like a wine tasting trying to figure out if he liked it....never had any physical relationship after that...4 years he kept dating me calling it friendship but it was actually a situationship
I’m still yet to “regret” losing anyone. I can function perfectly with or without anyone and I’m ok. Pitty the ones who end up that way.
Brilliant and TRUE in every single way. Nailed it. Thank you. : )
Anyone who has anything other then secure attachment shouldn't bother with a relationship until they healed because they put people through hell and mental torture your not the only one in the relationship and you must take accountability for your actions. Stop hurting people who have good intentions.
True!
Great content and just recently did the 7 day trial and it's totally worth it! I didn't know these different types of attachment styles before and it great to know this now and gives a better perspective on how to deal with and communicate with the various attachment styles.
Your content is consistently fire ❤❤❤
Thank you! ❤
I identify so much with DA attachment style, I'll spend my entire life trying to avoid feelings or pretend that I don't feel them with fear of looking stupid or week, if its romantic feelings I'll do the same but with fear of rejection or heartbreak. When someone works hard enough to break my walls, when IN a relationship I feel like I turn into anxious attachment style, like I need affirmation of this person feelings about me all the time, because in my mind works like "why would anyone love me? I'm boring and have nothing to offer" so I'm always doubting the other person. Now that I know what happens when I get in a relationship, ive become even more dismissive avoidant than ever, because I don't ever want to feel like that again, and I know I'll put anyone through hell even if it's not my intention.
Also, if someone stops talking to me and doesn't make the initiative to reconnect I'll never be the person who goes after anyone.
After a breakup I just stop talking to that person and if necessary I'll block them everywhere possible.
Get therapy with someone familiar with your attachment style. It will be the best thing you've ever done. If it doesn't totally work, see multiple therapists. And don't give up! Good luck!
@@xxmaybenotwhat about if you were the one to abruptly break up with your partner? would you have reached out after some time?
I find tho the DA are distant, i also feel they are good at mirroring you . Id slow down texts, they slow down, its hard.. so no thanks, i hated the mot knowing where i stood..
How to have the conversation with a DA who is completely unable to discuss our situation AT ALL! Still drops in. Still sends texts to show me his grandkids! Leaves little gifts!!! But talk is ONLY about what he has been doing. It’s as though there is a total ‘brain fog’ around the enormity of my pain and anguish. Yes, he has witnessed it as I tried to get him to comment recently. Was so hard for him and crippling for me! Would be so interested in your thoughts Thais. I’m enjoying the PDS course I’m doing. Thank you.
I can relate to this so much. I’d say get out and protect your heart. Is it really worth having a one-sided relationship where you are always the one giving and putting in unreciproked love and time? I had a man with two young kids in my love whom I all loved dearly. But once all seemed to be well and better or just a harder patch he would break up or pull away. And keep sending me photos of the kids. Diminishing me and my feelings “i’m not setting you aside i’m just seeing the bigger picture. It’s not an issure right of now. Let it rest.” And with it he ment hurting my feelings and not wanting to talk it over. And then just continue on like nothing happend. Truely- they know damn well what they did and what they did not do. Save the scared love for someone who can give you the same- with love
I would set a boundary. Tell him if he wants to try a relationship with you, you will keep talking but if not, he needs to leave until he's ready for that. Otherwise this is likely all you will ever get. Good luck.
This is a really helpful video. After an argument or awkward interaction… I find my partner will often send me a meme or funny reel to break the ice…
Haha I think that's typical for a DA. ❤
Mine does the same thing. Always sending memes instead of resolving what happened.
Same videos
@@LeeChrissymine did the same!
I really liked this video! Very informative. Thank you ❤
Is it possible to go from anxious to avoidant?
I was anxious a few years ago but I got burned a few times for being too clingy or needy. Learning this only hurt me alot and I still feel the pain most days
I find myself being avoidant now because I'm happy alone and do not want to be hurt again
Yes. Each trauma changes someone....but each trauma has a lesson. It's hard to trust again.... but by setting boundaries you can weed out the wrong people...big hugs.
Thais,would you please explain what is the difference between schizoid personalitie disorder and DA's?
They just have too many similarities:
- pervasive emotional neglect in childhood
- short term lived relationships
- withdrawal,fantasy world ,situationships
- the genetic component
- difficultie to show emotions
- some of them(just like DA's) state they actually crave intimacy,others represse even the recognition of that fact -just as many DA's state they are very fine and don t desire any change
- both are blunt and sometimes can come off as cruel
- both can be eather social types or withdrawn,solitary ones (overt and covert schizoid)
- both often struggle with some kind of substance use/porn addiction
- depression
1) All schoziods are DA's ,but not all DA's are shizoids.So what is the actual difference?
2) Is SPD harder to reprogram/heal than DA?
Thank you.
Many also miss the fact that people might be autistic (not schizoid). Limerence, alexithymia, trauma, mind blindness, and double empathy, anxiety and depression...all common in ASD folks. Just an added element to consider.
I'm probably too late, but no, not all schizoids are DA's.
But I would say you're not wrong, I used to be an avoidant, but with therapy I've realized that I need and crave connection, and with that I turned to being an anxious, lol
Ty well needed and very informative...
I wonder if im AP or FA. Recently ive realized i only ended up in my past relationships because they chased me. My last ex left me and after 4 years i havent dated anyone anymore because im scared of it ending again. Im anxious with ppl who act avoidant but if someone acts anxious towards me i find it super off putting and i distance myself. I do like unatainable persons and i also like to fantasize about the perfect relationship with 'the one'. But i also feel if i would really 100% be present and open with someone i would feel engulfed and trapped. Idk if i would ever find the one i start getting more doubts.
I am a secure person and dated someone with DA. Never again. Not for me. 😊
I was a secure. After dating a DA, I became an anxious. Thankfully my other relationships are still secure.
FA here. I'm in counseling now to try and stop this ridiculous, hurtful pattern of pushing away people I love.
I pushed her away, and she even moved away but we were still talking. Only when she slammed the door shut and went No Contact did the real pain start. And I'm sorry that I put her through this. I'm honoring her no contact but it's hard! Some days I am ok. Some days I feel suicidal level despair.
I can't send her the letters or a text. I'm sure would make things worse for me, or me find out something I'm not emotionally capable of accepting right now (like if she's already moved on with someone else).
This is hell, and I kind of wish I'd just go to sleep one night soon and just not wake up. I'm older so this may be kinda it for me.
Hey I am out here walking listening to these videos you're like thanks for walking okay I was like hey I am walking thank you😂
explain being vulnerable in the sense of just regular connections or relationships, plz
How many time you have to go through that cycle?? Wash rins spin and repeat! Its feel like you running but never arrive! The goal is having healthy happy relationship with your partner with DA its impossible! You are waisting your time!
Why do they seek relationships? I don't understand it
👏🏼 explained well
11:22 😂 "thank you so much for walking "
All I can do is hope and pray he sees this and understands 🙏
get out of limerance!!
What happens is that they find someone else they make a mistake then try to come back. Then they go and fu k that up too. Then go away for good. But leave feeling empty.
Sounds like what my ex is doing right now...he left and was one week later with another women he knew. I hear that they see each other like only once a month and it is completely differend then when we came togehter. I was basicaly invited in the family on week 1. Guess they arent happy but i dont care anymore...9 months i was crying for him. Now i need respect myself and move on
I don’t even know how to begin to have that conversation as to what needs to change after coming back together (after the attempts of reconnection). I’m also scared that the DA might see it as criticism and pull away again. Do you have a video on that?
You cant have a relationship on the other's terms, you are important too. If they pull away because you want to be important as well, so be it, would never work anyway
Too much work, and too many times being ghosted. And when he finally comes around its my fault. What? This makes me feel so anxious and i really dont like that feeling. Im sure i can meet another man that has interest in me like i have with him. Please Lord! 🌴
Hi, I really appreciate all your content. I am not precisely sure, I think my partner is avoidant(maybe dismissive) and I have been anxious(working on attaining my healthy version) one. Recently(approx 2 weeks) I had to break up with him(felt pushed) and it seemed like my self-respect was at stake(has happened before twice or twice but I ignored it), and I felt he was choking(with me around). I love him enough to not see him in such a situation and so I called it off to give him his space and freedom, I am doing my best to go no contact(somehow have to talk in a group zone, basically same friends). Is there any possibility for us to get back together (FYI, doing my best to move on)? Either way is it possible for you to make any videos that can be of help to me! Thanks😊.
Maybe! I'd consider showing him some of these videos, talking to him about your attachment styles and whether or not he's willing to try to work on your relationship if you take him back. Remember to try to use a compassionate, non threatening tone. Since you broke up with him, it's a bit tricky on whether or not you should reach out or wait. I might wait a few weeks and then reach out with a short message to test the waters. Just somethinf like, "I miss you and I'd like to talk if that's okay with you." Good luck!
My DA story goes like this; met in work. I am in the UK, she was in the USA (company has offices in both locations). We met up, went to Amsterdam, went on a cruise, we had the time of our lives (she said it was the best relationship she has ever been in). I got engaged to her after just 6 months, that's how incredible it all was. Then I found out she'd tried to date a guy from our workplace - which made me feel like she just wanted to date anyone. Then I found out her last relationship was with a guy in Philippines, and then a guy in Canada. Suddenly, I started to feel like I was part of some pattern. I had no idea what the pattern was. Then she began saying I had faults, and I was wrong. She'd argue with me almost constantly. Anything I said was (in her eyes) criticism.
This cycle continued. Happy, sad, angry etc She'd fly over to be with me for a few weeks at a time and get angry with me and want to split up. I couldn't take it anymore so I split up with her. Little did I know, splitting up with a DA triggers that feeling of abandonment. We didn't talk for 5 months. She flew back to see me again 5 months later and she split up with me 3 times in 24 hours!!!! It was exhausting and mentally draining. Then I found out she had been screen-shotting my families messages to her (nice messages of course) and her and her sister had been disrespecting my family.
I shouted and screamed at her at the top of my lungs. She said she wants nothing more to do with me and blocked me on everything. I truly did love her and the first few months were absolutely INCREDIBLE. But she self-sabotaged the entire relationship. She made fights happen out of nowhere and when I got mad, she's say how it was all my fault and that I didn't compromise or give in to her needs. Not once did she care about my needs or see things from my perspective.
Nothing happens. No matter if it's a friendship or relationship, they don't put any efforts in you.
Deep conversation with the avoidant???? That's a good joke 😂😂😂
Is it possible to have a mix of two attachment styles? Also, where can I find information about relationships where both people are dismissive avoidant?
I am an FA and my DA has been the most vulnerable than anyone else. I had to let him go because I knew I wasn't as safe of a space for him as I should have been and I was projecting so many of my own unhealed issues on him. I wanted him to change without actually working on myself. That's unfair and cruel to them and ourselves. Before we seek anything from DAs or anyone else for that matter, we have to make sure we ourselves are healed enough to be a healing space for them as well. If i am not a safe space for someone, why is it okay for me to expect them to be mine? It isn't. Wishing healing and power to everyone out here ❤
No one is perfect. No one will ever be a perfectly safe space. That's what therapy is for, and even then if you get the wrong therapist it can be bad. You did the best you could. Don't blame yourself too much. Maybe someday it will work out between you two. Good luck!
Thank you! ✨💖✨💖✨
The more i watch there videos the more profound feeling of sadness, empathy and grief i have. I wish to find a magic solution in the next video although i know there probably really isnt any,yet i cant stop myself. Fuck my freakin saviour complex. I hate the feelin of helplessness it generates when you just cant help.
Does this also apply to people with diagnosis like Borderline etc?
Or would you focus on the health issue before the attachment style?
What to do when your married to a DA with kids and recentely seperated? Completely no contact is no option since we have kids so whats the best thing to do?
Im a member of PDS btw!
Whenever I take a " deeper dive," it's usually in the Caribbean while on vacation.
🥁
I am in the regretting phase, its been nearly 4 weeks since we last had an argument, she's FA btw
Tell her how you feel, you need to open up and she will take you back. Explain your attachment style to her
@@melaninqueen6926 she knows it, and she knows I'm not comfortable being vulnerable like her, but I guess I need to vulnerable around her, that's what thais said today in her video
Did you ever reach back out to apologize or reconcile?
@@christinahurley1155 we met and ended things
I have started dating a girl who is younger than me that I have come to realise has a DA attachment style. She appeared really into me at first, then hit me with a heap of insecurities and trust issues, accused me of seeing someone else, lying to her about it and questioning my integrity in many ways. She also has daddy issues and appears to reinforce the dynamic between us especially when things are intimate. I have tried to be understanding, kind, considerate and give her my time when she wants. Suffering now ongoing hot/cold behaviour, pushing me away regularly and starting fights about me having female friends that she accuses me of sleeping with. I really like this girl but find it hard to weather the ongoing storm. Don't know how to get through to her that I'm authentic and mean her no harm. She has been lied to and let down in the past and I think this is why she won't let her guard down and trust anyone.
She kind of sounds more like an anxious type, jealousy and insecurity like that, and avoident would put space between you and probably break up all of a sudden. Sounds like she has some trauma, she needs therapy it'd help a lot.
Why be intimate with someone who is not your wife? God doesn't want that. For you to be hurt.
I got tired, in an LDR, of being left in the dark about 99% of her life. 1 message in 2 1/2 weeks. Told me she had surgery. No idea why. No details. I sent a goodbye msg. The reply was tearful emojis. That's it.
The DA outed me in the most pathetic manner. I am a closeted guy, only a few people know. Few months back my narcissist mother called the cops on me, saying I was going to kill her and I am on drugs. I called the DA as he's a lawyer. After I bailed out, I was thankful he helped me. Later on he went to my friends told everyone I beat my mother and told them every little secret about my family dynamics. Even though he knew everything, he made it seem like I was the bad guy and a drug abuser. He exposed my sexuality too as I was dating him back then. Later on when I confronted him about how he could have done that, there was no remorse and instead told me to f**k off.
This was the guy I was chasing like a dog and now he's married to a woman. I hope you people move on with your lives and stop chasing these a holes. They will shred you to pieces and act like nothings happened.
Narcissist 101
Yes. I was in a relationship with one and he turned into an a hole demon.
Amazing!
How long are we talking? There was no mention of time line, so trying to gather reference.
I would say 2+ months.
What if they say they want to be friends?
They just want an ego boost and future sex if need be.
The arch is deep.
I just discovered that my ex is an avoidant and I really want to tell him for his own good. He doesn't know he is.
He broke up with me and it's been a few weeks, but we talked it out and now he said he wants to be alone and mentioned wanting to go to the psychologist, so I want to give them this information (that might be wrong but I think my hunch isn't wrong) so that he can heal better. I decided to go no contact though. It's so frustrating 😭
Hey, he is seeing a psychologist (hopefully) and that is more than more DAs do. Hopefully the psychologist will figure this out. I'd at least wait until he reaches out again, ask about his therapy and then ask him (as casually as you can) if he's heard of avoidant attachment? Then send the video is he seems okay with it. Good luck!
Thank u. For walking me through lol. Yes.
Thank you so much.
❤
Can you slow down when you talk? It's hard to retain all the info because it's presented so quickly.
He’s RECEPTIVE when I initiate contact, always responds (so far 🙏) but not about heavy duty subjects. What does that mean???What should I do please?
They're emotionally unavailable, that's why. They don't like emotional subjects.
I'd leave & it will be extremely difficult if y'all had sex.
So what happens if they come back and they agree to talk but end up stonewalling again when trying to discuss feelings and moving forward?
How does this apply to borderline type ex’s?
My undiagnosed BPD ex gf blocked me 6 weeks ago and hasn’t reached out. It was over some drama that stemmed from a very minor occurrence that went way too far. Oddly I’m blocked from everything except a google calendar that she has not removed me from being able to see. And because she knows i can see it, she only puts stuff in it like getting her oil changed, getting nails done, doc appts etc. with times and locations. Nothing social at all is in the calendar. I assume she is trying to get me to run into her somewhere, but I can’t be sure. So I just go about my life. Maybe at some point she will unblock me and reach out. Who knows. But I’m not going to chase her.
Is this her indirectly reaching out?
Even if she's secretly reaching out... It's not healthy to respond to this kind of baiting!
Unfortunately she will come back. But it will take probably take months or longer. But take it as a blessing, FAs and BPD are have some similarities. I used to be heavy FA. I used to block for months even years. But I would always come back. Unless the person is doing a heavy DBT program and has been doing it for years I recommend you move on. Become secure and you will find someone else.
It's only minor if you both think it's minor...just saying. And even if it is, it may have been the last straw.
BPD is a mental illness and attachment styles are not. If she does have BPD or any other she needs to get diagnosed and get treatment. And then she can figure out which attachment style she is...people with BPD are more likely to have anxious attachment style, but they can have others. And even if someone becomes more secure they will still have mental illness.
Perhaps you're the dismissive one... there's just too little information to know all of the answers.
@@rosestewart1606 appreciate your reply. without a doubt it wasn’t minor to her. Because it spiraled out of control. I’m just wondering (mostly) if I’ll hear from her again using this NC method. I may be dismissive, but I feel like I’m more anxious. And you may be right that this was the final straw. She “broke” up with me once before over a weekend. My opinion is that she was testing the water for my reaction. And of course I chased her. This time seems a little more final. I’m heartbroken, but healing. She had a very traumatic child hood and I’m told by therapists/psychologists she was displaying text book signs of BPD that were witnessed by them.
Thanks again
Are you sure it’s not Narcissistic PD? The Narcissist knows what they’re doing and can control it, the BPD person can’t really control it. Breaking up with you over a weekend or less than a week is a tactic my ex used on me, the boyfriend before me, and the boyfriend after me. It was at about the 6-8 week mark in all of them. Gets you hooked. Builds the Trauma bond. Be careful bruh.
love the extra content about avoidants, really need all the help we can get! thank you. i have a suggestion about the channel. i wonder if you've considered pruning some of the negative comments. my belief that i'm basically no good for anyone has caused me to reject love over and over leading to a pretty sad life (haha....) and coming here reading comments from people saying that we're all monsters, no one should ever get involved with us, we are broken & not worth it blah blah blah is really painful and discouraging. most of the time i just don't read the comments but who can resist poking a wound sometimes? and tbh, the first time i ever saw them it made me want to disconnect from this content and just give up on myself. while i totally respect their pain and dont doubt they've had really difficult experiences, if people are not capable of showing compassion and if their words are hurting people unfairly (let's be honest - the DAs reading those mean comments are the ones who are trying to get better and are trying not to hurt people) i think it would be good to just remove them. imagine if people were commenting on videos about APs in ways that reinforced their painful core beliefs that they were "too much" or whatever, and getting hundreds of likes for it. for the DA haters: i get it, i don't like me either, but i am the way i am because i was neglected badly as a child, and i would rather live a life empty of love and connection than ever hurt you. please be nice. rant over. love u thais xoxo
I’m currently dating a DA (I believe), and it’s pretty new (a few months). It’s sometimes challenging because I’m a AP-leaning FA and trying to become securely attached. But he’s a good man and I believe being a little patient for and understanding. In the end it’s not his job to make me happy - it’s mine. It’s my work. And then we will see where things land.
You’re not a monster. Hang in there. You are correct we are ALL here to learn and grow. Don’t let the haters get to you.
When the going gets tough don’t get going, be aware your partner also has fears and risks being hurt by you too. Dont fulfill your stereotype by hitting the road at the first feeling of discomfort.
I disagree. Reading the comments has been therapeutic for me after surviving a DA relationship.
You deserve much praise for being self aware and willing to work on yourself.
However, we don't need to control the free speech of hurt, broken and traumatized people. There's people here that have wasted years of their life in a confusing cycle, full of cognitive dissonance. There's people here that thought, for years, that they were going crazy, that they were unlovable, that they had been discarded like trash. Expressing the pain, anger and bitterness will help people move on to a place of empathy.
That's just my experience anyway. I needed to be angry and take him off the pedestal. After 4 months I'm finally less angry and understand why he did these things. Soon enough I'll probably just feel sorry for him.
All the best in your healing journey.
@@anniiKn thanks! no problem with people talking about the ways theyve been hurt and how DA behaviour made them feel. in fact it's actually important for DAs to read about just how bad things can go. i just don't think the comments about how DAs are like, fundamentally bad people, not worthy of or capable of love, and how everyone should just like contemptuously avoid them or abandon them are helpful for either side. it's the big pile-ons that get to me. i don't personally believe that that behaviour eventually leads everyone to a place of compassion or eventual peace. ah anyway, maybe i'm just coming at it from a place of hurt feelings. just a suggestion anyway. all the best to you as well and i hope you can find a love that feels safe, comfortable and sane, and that heals you from all the shit you went through
@@aleewoolley thanks for saying that, you're very kind :) take care of yourself, hope it all works out for you two.
so i just had a conflict w one bc he keeps cancelling plans ignoring me after a long break we were to meet to reevaluate . i lean more anxious but we get along most of the time but .. i reach my limit this time and confronted him is that a bad thing ? i know they are sensitive but should i wait more than 3 days?
Iduring my early dating years and I couldn’t figure out why there were real jerks out there. I remember my dad saying women always fall for the riverboat gambler. It made since and I learned quickly. Why invest energy in negative crap. Just learn and run😉