3 Brutally Honest Reasons Men Don't Commit
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- Опубліковано 20 сер 2022
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Does it sometimes feel like men are afraid of commitment?
You could be dating someone for a few months-and have a ton of chemistry and a great emotional connection-and yet, like clockwork, you hit a wall the moment the relationship gets to a stage where it feels like it should be progressing to the next level. Just when you start to feel that this could be something real, he puts his guard up and isn’t ready to commit.
Situations like these can be unbelievably painful, and they can leave you feeling crazy as you analyze the situation to death, wondering if you’re somehow not good enough.
Well, in this brand-new video, I’ll share with you 3 of the main reasons why a lot of men are afraid of commitment and what you can do to turn things around by circumventing those fears.
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I'm a woman and I fear the exact same things as the men in this video. I fear committing myself to someone who will zone out, numb out, not put energy into the relationship, not continue to grow and develop, shut down emotionally, not be willing to make the effort. Sometimes it seems like men put alot of energy into the pursuit of you then when they have you they are utterly clueless on how to create an alive, dynamic worthwhile relationship.
This exact thing happened to me 🙃 another reason for trust issues
@@Kat-rw2fc Perhaps it's that not many of us have emotional intelligence or relationship skills. It is something we have to learn over time with practice. Study what goes into creating a worthwhile, mutually fulfilling relationship. I'm observing my married friends and how they do it. I'm reading books about communication, doing healing work on my own family of origen issues, taking a tender look at past relationships. In short, I have embarked on a path to develop my emotional capacity for deep, kind, compassionate, fun, healing, adventurous intimacy. If I start now, I'm 65 years old, I may get it in a few lifetimes. In the meantime, I aim to enjoy the ride, be creative and have as much fun as possible exploring creating safety and loving space for relationship to blossom.
And, my heart goes out to you for what happened to you. It can be so hurtful and dissappointing when it doesn't unfold like we want it to. We are all just learning step by step, experience by experience. Eventually we will develop our capacity to deeply love each other.
Glad to know I am not the only woman that feels this way
You are so right! This is what happened in my marriage. My ex turned into a completely different person once we were married.
I am scared of the same thing.
The grass isn’t greener on the other side- it’s greener where you water it 💯
*In a relationship, when communication starts to fade, everything else follows.*
My personal opinion is that if a person likes you enough, they'll commit to you. The simplest answer is often the right one. Obviously not immediately, but after a little while of dating. No amount of healthy communication will convince a person who is deep down just not that into you. I've been on both sides of this. I've been strung along by someone who was never really that into me (even though he said he was), and I've been the one who couldn't decide because the person I was with was lacking something but I could see they were objectively great. It's so so so hard to accept this because it's such a blow to our ego... Unfortunately true though. 😔
I think them being into you is a requirement yes. But just being really into you is not a reason to not have issues with commitment. There are many reasons, attachment issues, self worth issues, trauma.. that make commitment hard; even if you think the other is the love of your life.
So, become a woman worth comitting to.
So explain to me why I have spoken with many men and they said the moment they met their ex gf's they knew she wasn't the one but commited anyway, yet, the girls they actually like they dumped?
@JackDeniston we are but we get dumped for hoes. Lol. My ex told everyone I was the love of his life, the perfect woman but he cheated and dumped me for a bulimic, schizophrenic. Sometimes we are already there but most men don't know how to react once they have the perfect woman for them
@@Daniela-tr3meexactly. It's really not that simple unfortunately
There is something important that hasn't been said and needs to be said: If someone exhibits avoidant attachment or avoidant personality disorder, you will not get commitment from them because they cannot offer commitment to you or anyone.
This hasn't been mentioned at all and that's a disservice to the healthy partners who meet them and are puzzled by their behavior.
Not all explanations for commitment avoidance are logical or "make sense," as Matthew seems to be arguing in this video.
The claims made here are valuable, but they do not cover the subject of psychological challenges some people bring to their budding relationships.
Alex Cormant addresses this for the Anxious partner this morning. 💞
Thank you for saying this and putting it so nicely and accurately! I was thinking similar. It's exhausting and often not successful trying to "convince" a commitment phobic.
And also: if they don't chose you, don't chose them.
We have to keep that in mind whenever we watch any dating coach because most of them do not address this. It is the major reason why people have these issues while dating.
@@Dogscatsbikes he did make a video or filmed a podcast about the different attachment styles. I'm surprised he doesn't mention it here. That would have been good advice IMO. You can't reason someone to commit to you.
Umm this comes down to people working on themselves which everyone should do regardless. Problem most people don’t see their own problems or actually get told they have problems in todays society
Maturity is when you realise it's not worth it. Love happens naturally or it isn't love at all.
Very True I agree.
💯
WOMEN STOP!!
Stop putting effort into trying to trick or strategize. He either wants you or not.
As a woman , I agree . Just leave
How to get most men to commit:
Patience, Feminine, Supportive, Cook a meal and give it to him. Sex is also a very big factor and shouldn’t be held on to unless you’re a virgin or gave it up in relationships. I guarantee 90% of guys will commit if all these things are done for him.
Literally
@@projectiony4048 hahahahaha omg are you 16?
@@darynagorska655 Where is this coming from? I’m just stating what men look for in women if they want wives.
I am an Indian women and I fear dating and marriage both. I have found peace in my own bubble that it is such a scary feeling that i might lose it if I choose someone wrong.
That’s because your dating pool consists of “show me puss puss” “me make you wife”
❤
Omg! That’s how I feel I too!
When I met my now husband at work I had bought a kitten and knew he had two cats so asked him to come to Pets at home for cat stuff as I was clueless. That was our first ‘date’. He kept saying ‘ oh you’ll be fed up with me in six months’ I said well there is only one way to find out. After six months he said ‘ahh you’ll be fed up with me after a year’ and I said ‘well there is only one way to find out’. After a year I said ‘good game this isn’t it’ 😃 We have just had our forth wedding anniversary. Yes he has his quirks but so do I. ❤️ P.S I came to one of your seminars in London in 2014 and it was those skills put into practice that got me my guy 👍
i personally feel "losing myself" fear... is a big thing for women. i think women lose themselves a lot in relationship. so for me as well, having that habit, i have big fear of someone taking my space and myself away from me. its a valid fear. i think
It's all about communication and respecting others space and boundaries. even if you are married, i don't think you should be around them every second. give people their space and time to miss you. ;) ❤️
This gets far more elusive the moment children come into the picture, so it's important to make that decision ahead of time.
You cannot exactly put your sick child on hold, because of me-time.
That's primarily something that adults can address through dialogue, but children will require far more investment, attention and dedication.
So it all depends on what one truly values in life.
Congruent choices will follow.
Whoever I end up in a steady relationship with will have to give me time to be "me" and I am willing to let him have time to be "him". But I will need occasional space or I would probably start feeling trapped and quit enjoying the relationship. I recharge alone so he wouldn't want a ragged version of me anyway. 😅
@@Derlet30 yes, i wasn't exactly putting kids into the equation in this comment.,
It’s why you choose someone compatible versus someone who just does it for you. Someone who is a good husband and good father. Once you learn to live differently you’ll wonder why you ever learned the other to begin. It won’t be settling it’ll be like wow I was the problem to begin bc what I believed to true wasn’t good for me. Too many people need to look within for change for better outcomes
@@Mandy.S. yeah changing within could help you out a lot. The earlier you start this process the easier it will be. I waiting until 30sto get this and it took me years. Everyone’s different so time doesn’t matter but I mention time to say it could awhile so the worse your habits or beliefs are than the longer it will take. Self improvement and learning what’s good for us is what we need. Wants need to be thrown out bc most of the time wants don’t determine healthy relationships with anyone much less actual sex type relationships.
I hope a lot of guys are looking at this and THINK about all these things and how emotionally and mentally available they actually are and willing to be, BEFORE they enter a relationship (especially one involving sexual intimacy). In my experience it’s best to leave people with their uncertainty and doubts behind. All they are going to do is drag you down, stunt your growth and keep you waiting. There are billions of men out there. Don’t fixate on the ones who don’t know what they want. ;)
THANK YOU. I thought the same. It's not my task to make him commit or use the suggested communication tips to "make" him drop his fears. It doesn't work like that.
This message hits me on rn coz I’m begging someone to stay and commit but I already moving on and accepted he doesnt serious relationship.
It always seems they’re so sure!- right up until the very point they know they have you?! - then they’re suddenly confused about YOU? 🤔 All those behaving like this are like bottles with holes in the bottom- they don’t love or care for themselves enough to care for others or to believe they are actually WORTHY of a healthy loving partner- so instead it’s always a constant ego trip they seek- so they’ll give their all to present as something they really aren’t, and put the person they’re chasing so hard up on some kind of pedestal they didn’t ask to be put on- then when he’s worked to get her to ‘fall’ for him- she’s now obviously at a ‘lower level’ - because she can’t be any better than he if she values HIM- and so the sad and pathetic ‘ ghost and seek anew’ begins all over again… before they know it they’re too old for the game and wondering why they’re (still) alone and feeling just as empty inside as ever. Very sad.
I'm a man that is now going through the brutal consequences of a lost relationship with a wonderful person due to commitment flaws. I unfortunately allowed myself to be lost within that way of thinking for long enough to the point it resulted in a high price. I'm using all of the great insight that Matthew provides as well as other resources to reach a point of growing beyond that place which I now can't bare being a part of. I'm choosing to sit with this hard lesson and use it as fuel to change to the person I want to be.
as long as men have porn and women have jobs effort and motivation from both sides will be greatly diminished
So much hassle 😵💫 I wish love was simpler and not such an obstacle course.
Gave him space, told him to go on and play PS to chill from work, encouraged him to go out with friends, been so supportive of his job journey, we were both paying for stuff, both made decisions...and even after such a wonderful living together phase we broke up 😅...sooo it's not always about that 😅🤦🏻♀️
Oh noo🤦😅 Why is that? Ugh
Brutally honest, am I right.
By the way, there is ONE more reason that Matthew is afraid to tell you:
THEY NEVER INTEND TO COMMIT (to anyone/one woman) IN THE FIRST PLACE.
These men are usually the top 1% of men, like Leonardo DiCaprio, or men who dislike the unfair marriage laws.
I refuse to live with a man that I'm not engaged to with a firm marriage date. I've lost my past two relationships that way as men tried to pressure me to move in with them after a few months but were far from ready to discuss marriage. One turned out to have been cheating on me and one went to jail for almost killing his next (live-in) girlfriend. I'm 53 and have never regretted holding fast to that standard to not live with anyone who isn't my husband.
I hate to admit the Catholic Church is right about anything, but if I were to live with a man without being married to him OR marry a divorced man who has not secured an annulment, I would lose access to the sacraments. That would be MY fault. Maybe it's not important to him, but it is valuable to me.
In my experience the pre-dating process that involves going out and talking, if it is done authentically it should be enough to get a man's commitment. Commitment is choosing and choosing is to eliminate options. If someone is not sure of you for any reason, and they are not willing to eliminate other options and choose you. I believe there is no way to get them to commit and end up in a happy, healthy, long-lasting relationship. My opinion.
My ex was the only person that I could be around 24/7 and even doing the most mundane thing. It was always like we were the only two people in the world when we were with each other. Although we had issues, thus we are no longer together, I am happy that was a mutually enjoyable experience.
Many women can make a man feel “less than” they were before they met them. Another person in your life should have your back, build you up, and expand you……..make you feel more alive, not “smaller” than you were before. Both people need to put effort into relationship……….not one giving and the other taking, and not reciprocating anything.
👍🏼♥️
Couldnt agree more. It is all about reciprocity and respect for each other. You have to know you are part of a team, team 'We' and this matters to each of you.
What a shame though, that many men expect all that from their partner but seem to forget to reciprocate. Or, make their partner feel "less than" equally well, irrespective of whether she's doing the same to them or not.
@@mariapap8962 I’ve found the majority of men have insecure attachment styles because of their childhood so sometimes when we feel they aren’t giving enough it’s because of avoidant attachment style and that’s so difficult to deal with when ur giving so much and don’t feel it in return I’ve also found these type of men usually want to reciprocate but don’t know how or are afraid of rejection not because of anything you’ve done to make them afraid of that but like I said because of their childhood
The more we know about MENS mental health and MENS issues the more we can understand why they are the way they are
This so true women depressed me many times , they use your money your time then they complain that we men don't protect them , we men don't speak up for them everything we do is always our fault , it's our fault if she fails , for instance if we said the wrong words to the security guard it's our fault it didn't go to her way , if any bad happens to them , they tend to never take responsibility on themself they blame us men and they make us very trembling that we doing something wrong every moment , they are also very nosey they love looking in our labtops and cellphones , they don't respect our space , this is why many men , don't like women long term
I think women have all the same fears. It seems the comments agree with this as well. I am 40 and just went through a divorce after 18 years of marriage. If you are inexperienced in relationships, these are definitely fears that have validity, so be patient with your partner and watch out for them yourself. My husband wanted someone to control and wanted for me to have no time to myself outside of him. I would be punished if I wanted alone time with verbal, psychological, and emotional abuse. I couldn't even go for a walk by myself if he was home. He was offended I didn't want him with me. I had to like everything he liked, etc. When I was 20 and dating him I thought that this meant he really loved me. Now I know it was a huge red flag. Make sure your partner is cool with you doing your own thing and vice versa. There's nothing to be jealous of.
You're absolutely right
Same. Women’s fears are overall much greater than a man’s, yet we manage to be open and trusting- and that’s exactly when they decide THEY are afraid …. After working so hard to get you to drop your own guard and trust THEM!
well done 18 years
Your husband is 100% green flag,u have charecter problem & ghosted him.
You are a actually q red flag,learn to take accountibility,you fool woman
The difference is, you women get the money, men lose it. You know what I mean by this. "80% of initiators are women" ring a bell?
Fear of ending up with someone again who wasn't the person they presented themselves to be. That's my biggest fear.
Really?? You don’t need to be afraid of that at all
True
@@sarahgee4399am Jane by name can we be friend
100% my fear also, always. Unfortunately it's happened too many times.
@@lindahughes696you say that until they’ve been lying to you about how they feel about everything for half a year in fear of having to move on without you
My problem that I am trying to fix is that I believe everything they say in the pursuing phase. The quote that has helped me is “not everyone has the same heart as you” but I have become bitter and just don’t want to be with anyone because of the pain I have been through. I don’t know how to not be devastated by a breakup and not effect my self worth. It’s a vicious and painful cycle.
To everyone saying that they are afraid to lose their freedom is because of two reasons. Dated someone who doesn't have life and the relationship is the only identity for them and second avoidant attachment. Everyone should learn their attachment style and heal that, so they can get into healthy independent state and not to expect that another person can fulfill everything we have set as ideal and goal in our heads. People... get into therapy if you haven't had stable source of healthy relationships while growing up. or open UA-cam and educate yourself.
Yep, they need to dive in and flow with those childhood traumas and adult trauma of past relationships and get into the now. Do some shadow work and meditation ALL FREE RIGHT HERE!! UA-cam
I love this!!
Too many people don't have a good understanding of what a healthy relationship is. They're constantly looking at what the other person is or isn't but don't look at themselves or ask themselves what do I think are qualities of a good relationship and do I meet those. An inexperienced partner will try to control the other person out of fear of no control, but don't understand responsibility and capability to have control through kindness and support.
Exactly
I was with a narcissist on and off for 6 years before I learned what a narcissist was and what was going on. My biggest fear is having that person turn into a total nightmare as soon as we’re married, which happened to me.
That is a risk worth considering. I haven't watched the video yet so perhaps Matthew will cover that. To me, to be aa confident as you can be to commit is the most we can do before deciding. And up to you what measurements you use to do that.
That's why you have to date somebody for a good 2 to 4 years before you ever commit a 100% and get married because nobody can really hide who they are after that amount of time
@@bcbro142 We dated for 4.5 years.
@@Autumn_Forest_ Well everybody's different
@@Autumn_Forest_ Some people are able to hide themselves for longer periods of time
It’s so nice to hear your videos, it’s creating a bridge for all the people out there who get overwhelmed at such transitions in relationships, they don’t know how to navigate these. These are the same scenarios that we, women fear too! Lack of Trust and not wanting to make a mistake. Choosing the wrong person makes me feel gullible, foolish, a bad judge of character! How could I not know this before! Ugghhhh
I want to fall in love with a man and have be a part of each others life but I also know we don't need to be attached to the hip. He can still have his interests. I can still have mine and we can do a couple things we like together. All these reasons are valid. Women have the same fears. My biggest fear is picking the wrong man. Bringing him into my life and he ends up being a bad man, abusive and makes life unbearable and difficult to leave. It's really scary. Some people don't reveal who they are till much later.
If you fear that you make the wrong choice, you are not in love ( enough) and should not be in the relationship to begin with.
Amen to that!👊
There’s always a healthy amount of fear that should be in any relationship. It makes you do healthy things for your partner like respect them for one
The gaslighting is amazing.
You can clearly feel the same energy as "If you truly love me, you will " from this comment.
Yikes.
I think that fear was born from social media influencing females and males alike to be more picky
You know what's funny? The loss of freedom is what I was afraid of too. I even pulled away a bit because I thought I was thinking too much about him. And loss of identity is something I'm truly afraid of when I have children. I don't just want to be a "MOM," you know?
Love how you always speak of your relationship with Audrey now and take real life examples.
I can't speak for other women but these three reasons apply to me. The fear of making the wrong choice, the fear of loosing myself and the fear of getting into my pants. It goes both ways.
Women should have these fears because guys screw up relationships a lot more than women
me too
Same here. Exactly. What men fear, women fear too. To think we are so different we can’t relate to each other is just stupid. Men and women have the same fears and insecurities and ultimately, they want the same outcomes. To feel safe, supported, loved and inspired.
as long as men have porn and women have jobs effort and motivation from both sides will be greatly diminished
@@mikelisteral7863 wow look... A guy from the stone age has come out 😅
Great content. As a female, I can also relate. I think the, "I'm afraid to lose myself" part is one of my biggest fears and anxieties around getting into a relationship. When I even think about this possibly happening, I feel actual panic flow over me. Didn't help that my last relationship was with a covert narcissist who had an anxious attachment style. He was ALWAYS hovering. And if I asked for some "me time" it basically meant I was cheating. I rarely had alone time, so after 2 years of hell, I was completely exhausted beyond belief! I NEVER want to be like that again. Been writing a list of all the things I want in a potential mate - and this point is right near the top! Someone who respects and encourages me to have GUILT-FREE alone time. This is crucial to my being!
Haha good luck finding a unicorn
AMEN! Same over here. They have to be better than my alone time-add value to the life I already love not vice versa
Good comment
hi im dating a guy w ur perspective (bc of trauma w his ex like ur ex). what should i do to let him feel i have pure intentions?
I love that so much Matthew, thank you! I also have my little me time and very similar routine to yours. Watching this has put words into my feelings, thank you! I guess I am afraid that my me time will be gone or not understood. Thanks for making this video!
Love love love this:)
I already know in my mind everything you discussed in this video, but it’s so good to be reminded of it. Thank you always for your content😃
This was eye opening for myself too! Great video as always, Matt! 😊
This is awesome, Matthew - such great stuff you talk about! And the other important piece is how can one BECOME the kind of person (as a woman, in the case of what you are talking about) that can be authentic, be strong in character, be reliable, be there in the good and bad times... that's the work we have to do too, so that we can create the kind of relationship we want.
Love the last part about having character. But I don't think too many people have that. I think it's connected with personal sense of dignity that you develop through your upbringing. But most of the people don't have that, I think.
Fantastic video. I really enjoy the videos where you go into depth and deliver the perspective of men on the relationship.
One of the most useful videos you ever made ..thank you Mathew .
we shouldn’t lose ourselves when we find the right one .. what i learned is i still have myself and he fills up the space where i don’t know myself like patching up the emptiness in very interesting ways 😅❤️
Women are expected to do all the emotional labour for men with issues - its so exhausting
It shouldn't be this damn hard with the right person because emotionally healthy people can communicate through their fears. They don't want to be exclusive in case they meet a hotter chick - why not a guy with loyalty and integrity? People with weird bitter beliefs about women & relationships will often sabotage things IME.
The best self development I did/ that I've witnessed was healing to be a secure attacher. Tiptoeing around dudes with issues became a turn off.
Because you choose the badboys, you arent attracted to stable men
I love this video where you teach people how to behave correctly.
I have the exact same fears as a woman. Thank you for including ways of overcoming the fears ❤
I honestly just listen because it feels like talking with a friend and having a great laugh 😌🍷
Great content… I myself, as a woman, feel all of that as well…
Love your intro and those words!
This was really good. Thank you. I needed to hear this
I am a woman. And recently, I've been wondering why exactly the idea of a relationship freaks me out as much as it intrigues me. And this accurately sums up my fears that I wasn't even aware of.
It can sometimes be a blessing in disguise if the person is umming and ahhhing - a chance to find someone better who is not indecisive
In my experience there is no way to reassure a guy who is afraid of commitment. They apply the pressure to themselves and will not allow you to remove it. Staying out of a relationship overrides everything because what they want is....not to be in a relationship
For me I think #3 is important. A man’s character is quite important to me, the kind of man he is behind closed doors and not the public face he puts on. I want to know that I can trust and depend on him and that he’s a man of his word,. Unfortunately I think men of that caliber are quite rare these days, most have a dog-eat-dog personality and will throw anyone under the bus if it suits them.
Thanks for another fabulous video. This is enlightening and a balanced one for me.
I love you dude, you make so much sense it’s inspiring
omg this is such good advice. Im in a similar situation and this actually gave me the right words! With the right "vibe" to open up the conversation in a more light way, instead of all of the stuff I have been considering saying to bring up establishing a relationship with the guy I've been just dating for a few months. Thank you! Wish me luck!
Your video clears my mind.
I love having Audrey around!!!
Love it You are so intuitive and yes all the things are happening and yes how many days by call it needs to go both ways I agree 100%
Love your honesty!
Really wish I saw this video , had to break up with my guy because he said he wasn’t ready for commitment and I’m so broken over it still. It’s been a few months and now he’s with someone else flaunting her over social so I had to unfollow and delete everything. I know I never pressured him but this video now makes me feel like I said the wrong thing? I thought by walking away from someone who didn’t chose me was what was right. Thank you for this video and I hope for the next one I will learn 🙏🏼
Finding someone that is self concious, done some work, communicates openly and is mature is impossible. People are selfish, don’t self reflect and just follow bad patterns 😢
Yes we men DO want commitment because loyalty is so important to us. Just like listening is so important to women, loyalty is paramount to a man. Yes guys have a lot to work to do on themselves but if the question is “Why won’t he commit?” The answer most likely is that a voice in the back of his head persists “will she be loyal to me?”
Loyalty is huge. Trust loyalty and respect. Also honesty, appreciation and communication.
That's a much more legit reason that the first two mentioned in this video. To me personally, hearing somebody say they won't commit because they fear losing themselves(be it a man or a woman), sounds like there's still work to be done on their self-confidence. On the other hand, reason no. 2 sounds like an OVER-confident person, who considers themselves "God's greatest gift" and their partner not quite worthy of them. If somebody ever told me that, i'd be out the door the next minute, nevermind trying to work on that relationship! Let them go find "that better person" and good luck to them!
@@mariapap8962 Once your married and have kids its eaey to lose yourself. I know married women who lost themselves. Their kids were their everything. So after the kids they feel kind of lost.
The same can happen to men, you begin dedicating so much of your tine and yourself that you can forget what you used to be etc.
just becase you commit doesnt mean the other person is going to be loyalty
She’s more likely to be loyal if you commit. If you don’t then, all options are still on the table. It doesn’t make sense
Interesting video... Now I'm older, and wiser, I think I have these exact same fears as a woman.
Matthew it would be great if you could do videos about how to progress relationships healthily in terms of household inequity, having discussions around issues women face, how marriage might be, how things might be if have kids etc. Navigating arguments, difference in opinions or goals etc.
Thank you. You are wonderful. 🌸❤️
wow.. you're living together❤️ CONGRATULATIONS Mattie. been following you on and off for YEARS and i am really happy you are in a happy relationship :)
I’m a woman but for me, the thing that terrifies me the most is someone who becomes a whole different person when we actually commit and start doing stuff we initially didn’t agree on. Either he gets too comfortable and just stops making any kind of effort or he was just pretending to be someone else and when we commit, I find myself with a complete stranger! Narcissists do that then top it with gaslighting, disrespect, different kinds of abuse …. and I’m not ready to go through that again, I’ve already had trust issues when I was never in a relationship, now since I experienced one with a Narcissist who has anger issues, I’m not sure I’ll trust anyone ever again!
Also fear of losing myself, don’t even get me started on that 🤦🏻♀️
I feel you. I'm one year out of a relationship with a covert narcissist with severe anger and rage issues!!! I'm not quite sure I'll ever be able to trust someone again. And I also highly wonder if I'll ever be able to be in a relationship again. Finding I have so many triggers and insecurities now that I never had before. It's a nightmare. But, little by little, I am chipping away at them. It's going to take a very strong and patient man to tame my fears. Whilst reading your comment though... I was thinking to myself .... yes, it terrifies you whether the person becomes someone different once committed. Well, my reaction to that is - if they become someone you didn't think they were, and this new person is someone that you are not attracted to or does not align with what you want in a partner, then that is okay. End things. It's that "simple". I know it is not always that simple... but it should be. No one should ever feel like they HAVE TO stay in a bad situation. I don't know how long you were with a narcissist - but any amount of time is TOO LONG. Same for me. I gave him too many chances. I will never do that again. Give someone a couple chances, if they are not the person you fell in love with anymore .... move on. It's okay. I am telling you this as much as I am telling myself this!!!! Everything is a lesson learned.
As for the fear of losing yourself - this is also one of my biggest fears. I tend to do this in almost every relationship I have - as I swing more to being a people pleaser. What I have learned is, I need to practise setting boundaries. I'm not even totally sure yet what this looks like as I have learned I am a person with almost no boundaries. But I am committed to learning. First being, I would set a standard at the beginning of the relationship that I cannot hang out ALL THE TIME. I would have a conversation with this person explaining that I am on the more introverted side of things and I need alone time to recharge. It is crucial for my mental health. If they seem turned off by that - then they are not a respectful person. If they seem understanding, respectful, and encouraging about that - then there is a lot of potential!!! I think we both need to understand what boundaries look like. Perhaps look into youtube videos on the subject! I still need to do this as well!
That's also my biggest fear! Like, how do you know that the promises they make will be respected in the long term? This really terrifies me and prevents me from fully trusting anyone. I hear so many stories of "oh but he was not like that when we dates but become that after we married"...
@@mimibee3835 the thing is, you don't know until you try it out. You can't know. You have to give the person a chance to show who they truly are. And if that's not the kind of person you want to be with, you have to have the strength to walk away.
@@refreshingtwist Giirl I wish I could sit down with you and have a long conversation about this because I too relate to almost everything you mentioned (except for the not having boundaries part, I have a lot and I would expect my partner to respect them as I respect his). I believe in honesty and communication from the beginning, so every party would know what he’s getting himself into and whether the other person is compatible with him and decide accordingly, if they like what’s on the table that’s great, if not just be respectful and walk away, no harm done! I don’t see the point of people lying and manipulating other people for their selfish desires, humans are beyond me 🤦🏻♀️. Anyways, I wish you all the best dear, may you be well and happy❤️
Thank you for your help 😊🙏🏼
The intro is gold! 😁
You look happy in relationship Matt. Nice to see 😊
One of your best videos to date Matthew :)
Absolutely amazing interesting best of us video
I think the word "commitment" tends to scare ppl away, men or women lol. But instead focusing on the experiences of the relationship and the pleasures we find in the companionship with one another are what makes us inclined to be with each other for the long haul and stay attched
Good content 💫
I think if we don't settle for someone with lower standards - we have a MUCH better chance of success in the relationship.
Depends on your standards at present moment tbh
I like that topic.
Thank you
Thank you, Jamison, for keeping the info 🙂
I mean the INTRO , lol
This videos was particularly funny!! & Very helpful! Thank you as always!
For all those of us who are fiercely independent and #afraidoflosingmetime, the right partner will bring the best in you, and you WILL want to break out of your shell and share life with this mate, because my dears....the right person will also enjoy reading a book quietly in a corner while you are working on your nth non profit, and then you WILL get up from your screen and tell your mate: "let's go walk the dogs darling and enjoy the sunset"
This made a LOT of sense!
Great advice as always. Confirming what I've already been doing in this particular situationship. I think we're both scared to commit though, for the same 3 reasons. He's a man of few words and doesn't like conflict. Who does?.I'm very direct in nature with a large vocabulary. Communication is difficult to say the least. We both were married for many years and divorced now. That probably explains a lot. Thank you for your advice and your time. Shout out to the whole team that makes your podcast possible. Keep up the good work!
Stephanie. RUN. (Of course, your choice) but as an expressive woman who has been shut down by a "man of few words," (my grandfather, my father, 2 exes-) & watching my mother's bitterness over never feeling heard-it's almost like libing forever with someone who speaks a foreign language.
Very lonely. To this day. if I "forget," & write my dad a 5 paragraph email & get a 1 sentence reply, it takes the wind out of my sails. Relationships are hard enough without a challenge this large out the gate. WTH are you gonna do when you get older???
God bless!
As a guy I can understand and relate to this, I’m the one dragging my feet. Talking about moving, getting dogs just makes me want to hide and can’t be the loving and caring person I know I am. I feel there is more at play, so much back story, my partner suffers from extreme mood swings, one minute we are together the next she’s breaking up, then apologises and it’s meant to be all sweet again. She has isolated herself from family, friends and quite literally I’m the only person she sees in her life. I want her to have a life outside of mine, I love having time to myself so I can tinker and build things and learn. Part of me knows it would be easier to be single but it would be nice to share my life with someone and she is caring and thoughtful. I just struggle being with someone who isn’t independent
Have you expressed this to her?
You absolutely shouldn't move in and get dogs with someone who swings back and forth and wants to break up all of a sudden often. What would you do if it's real? Break a lease? Give up your dogs?
Dragging your feet sounds better than moving forward under these conditions... though you really need to tell her this stuff and figure out how to make it better (or break up), it'll make both of you miserable if you drag your feet for ages.
@@jenn8557 If this is abandonment issues, I feel like they should make a proper treatment plan with help from a therapist. This sounds like a possible intermediate step, but it's not one that would work for very long - he clearly wants some *actual* alone time, and she would probably be happier if she can learn to have some alone time herself without being stressed.
Your partner is just exactly like me and I have bordeline personality disorder. Something that you should talk together and help her manage her emotions. That’s if you really love her.
PS: I am afraid to say but you are like exactly my ex bf. And yeah, we are not together anymore.
Bro it looks like she has some mental health issues, she needs therapy.
thanksss I M learning alot from you❤❤
If you set your goals ridiculously high and it's a failure, you will fail above everyone else's success
Ì
Can you please explain? English is Not my First Language ☺️
Comparing yourself with others is the biggest failure you can achieve
Wow...happy to see her inbetween...❤
I lost myself in a relationship of 8 years and now i am trying to discover myself and reconnect with old friends, so that fear is valid
Brilliant.
You are funny, I like that! 🥰🥰🥰 Happy New Year to you, Audrey and your family! 🥰🥰🥰
I don't think anyone can take away anything from us, unless we decide to change our habits/routines/'give in'.
This is really Good topic it helps me
Reference to freedom is often associated with not being able to sleep with different women ;)
😂😂😂😂 I love how you guys edit the video 😂😂😂😂 I hit the thumbs up mostly because I LOVE the atmosphere of these videos! 😂❤
Three factors are necessary to build a stable relationship. Trust, honesty (no big secrets and no lies), and loyalty. Love can be built on these three. Without these three any relationship will fail.
Solid communication is all that is needed.
Sara. Ur saying absolutely right.
I agree w/ someone ‘s comment that the reference to “freedom “ IS OFTEN ASSOCIATED WITH NOT BEING ABLE TO SLEEP W/ DIFFERENT WOMEN.
Holy crap! I’m a 71 year old woman and I feel the way the guys do! Nobody should TAKE away anyones freedom EVER! It’s a partnership, not a Dictatorship so you shouldn’t have to ask “the wife’s permission for things you want to do”! They are your mate, NOT your mom! It’s a two way street and men and women think and feel differently, so our needs tend to be different. Possessiveness can kill the relationship. Let the guys have freedom and gals enjoy time with all your friends. Then you both will enjoy you’re together time.
i was lucky I did feel something for my future husband straight away. soon as I met him through a friend. it took him three years though to get engaged I asked him where our relationship was going, I had invested a lot of time helping him on his parent's farm helping out in summer even though I worked fulltime half an hour away from him. he was focused in his jobs always I felt neglected many times when he travelled overseas..
I didn't want a committed relationship myself so picked a guy I knew was a scoundrel. In it for fun. I was right, he is always looking for someone "perfect," has never married, but has remained my best friend; no longer a boyfriend. I personally never want to get married again. He asked me a few times, but he could never be happy once committed. I was smart enough to know that.
Goes both ways
I understand the 3 biggest fears. And I think many women have the same fears but if you stop to think of it in another way - if our ancestors let their fears get in the way of marriage and relationships, many of us wouldn't exist. When I think of people like Mickey Rooney (married 9 times) and Liz Taylor (married 8 times), I once thought, they were crazy. But then I stopped judging and realized - to fall in love again and again and give love another chance again and again - that takes courage, it takes guts. So, if you're so afraid to make a commitment and get married once, you're a coward. Life is about taking risks and making mistakes. None of us leave this Earth without some kind of suffering at some point in our lives. Every woman knows giving birth without drugs or anesthesia is extremely painful. And there is a chance that in the future that mother either loses their child because of a falling out or because of death. There is still a chance the mother can die during labor! But everyday, there is a woman on this planet taking the risk of having that child. So let's stop using fear as a reason for not taking the jump. Get over it.
I looove Audrey! I’m happy Matthew found a great partner!
I’m a 35 year old woman and I want to have a family before it’s too late. I find it impossible to lower those stakes. I’m scared that my urgency will make me choose the wrong person and I’m equally scared of missing out on a family altogether by giving up too soon on a relationship that is good enough. My boyfriend (44) of 18 months (who said he wants a family) just dumped me because I wanted to start talking about our future and having kids. He decided that the relationship wasn’t as good as it could be (although he hadn’t tried to discuss any issues before) and it was better to just end it, rather than work on things while we plan a future together. You can’t exactly lower the stakes of wanting to have children. You can’t say “Hey, I wanna have kids soon but don’t worry, either of us can still leave at any time”
Agree
Have you considered freezing your eggs or having a child by yourself? Both can remove the worry of settling for a partner or giving up your dream of being a mum.
I wish you could be a little more empathetic. She didn’t ask for advice. I’m sure she has considered all her options and wants a family. I know you meant well, but sometimes unsolicited advice causes more harm than good.
Don't have a child by yourself..a kid needs a masculine and feminine presence in its life..don't settle girly 😘 woman have had kids at a later stage just take care of yourself mentally, physically and go for your regular check up, you are going to push him away soon of you make that your main focus, you are still young I am 32 and I will rather wait then have babies with the wrong man but don't raise a kid by yourself it's not fair towards that child a daughter and son needs a father..when in doubt read this comment again. All the best 👍
I'm sorry this happened to you. At 48 I know now that nothing is forever, but I am happy I had an 18 year long relationship. It is a delicate balance between desperation and waiting for the 'perfect' person. Your ex did you a favour, Because he wasn't a Teammate and he couldn't communicate. Those things are Absolutely vital for long term quality relationships. Wishing you all the best🤗🤗 Keep strong.
BUT WHAT ABOUT MY PODCASTS???? 😂 Gave me such a giggle this morning, thanks Matt!
The mindset people have today about relationships is so very disjointed . The principals are not taught to our youth anymore.. actually they weren’t in my era either. Over time I’ve learned by trial and error. Now at 72 come May 14 th, I still have a desire for a good relationship but my gene pool is very limited. 😊 Listen to videos like this one.. a wealth of knowledge is here.
My Advice .. listen an learn
ALWAYS BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF AND OTHERS !!
Awww i love that you're in love @Matthew Hussey 🥰