ARE MY PARENTS BORDERLINE OR NARCISSISTIC OR EMOTIONALLY IMMATURE?
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- Опубліковано 26 чер 2024
- What would differentiate an emotionally immature parent from a parent who struggles with Borderline and/or Narcissistic Personality Disorders?
Why does it matter whether we call it "Emotionally Immature" vs Borderline or Narcissism?
This video uses 10 of the criteria listed in Dr. Lindsay Gibson's book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents...." as a jumping off point to examine what Borderline or Narcissistic traits or experiences might look like to a child raised by parents who are more than immature, but actually struggle with a personality disorder instead.
Does it really matter? Yes!
It matters, because for children raised by parents with disorders like BPD or NPD we can see significant areas of Complex PTSD and/or PTSD, life long difficulties in relationships and mental health, challenges in dealing with these parents as adults, chronic health problems, parenting difficulties, etc - which go above and beyond setting boundaries, grieving the relationship, letting go, etc which are often advised as techniques for healing from Emotionally Immature parents.
xo
www.drkimsage.com
@drkimsage
*PLEASE NOTE*
My therapy practice is full at this time, but if you would like to be added to my waitlist, please send me an email at drsagehelp@gmail.com and I will email you once a spot opens. Please briefly identify what you are hoping to work on in therapy.
You must be a California resident and all sessions, even local, will be conduced virtually at this time:)
****UPCOMING COURSES CREATED BY DR. SAGE BEING RELEASED ON THINKIFIC.COM
AT THE BEGINNING OF OCTOBER 2021!!!
FREE COURSE:
INVISIBLE WOUNDS:
IDENTIFYING EMOTIONAL ABUSE & NEGLECT IN CHILDHOOD AND BEGINNING TO HEAL
(includes information on trauma, as well as a mini workbook and journal)
COURSE 1: HEALING AND DEALING WITH THE TRAUMA OF BEING RAISED BY NARCISSISTIC & BORDERLINE PARENTS
COURSE 2: HEALED PARENTING: IDENTIFYING AND HEALING CHILDHOOD TRAUMA AND TRIGGERS SO YOU CAN BE THE PARENT YOU WANT TO BE. (Coming in late October 2021)
COURSE 3: RE-PARENTING (November 2021)
Did anybody else feel that your friends parents liked you but your own HATED you?
I spent all the time I could at my best friends house. She had a really kind mum, who made me feel like I mattered :(
This is how I often know what is going on when I hear kids say they feel a parent hated them - angry at them sometimes, yes...hated, no. I am so sorry you endured that and so glad you found a little slice of home where you felt you mattered - because you did and you do. Sending you warm thoughts of healing and support!
Yes, and that other kids were always so much better, even though we were/are often the 'good' kids who are just trying to please and survive.
I was at my boyfriends house more than my own.
Same. My mom loved me having my friends over but she often make little digs about me to them in order to affirm her negative view of me. My friend's parents loved me, and it was so nice to be seen and accepted for who I was without all the criticism.
I felt more love with my friends' parents than my own too.
I suspected my mom was BPD and/or narcissistic and/or emotionally immature when I began spending 95% of my therapy sessions talking about her and how she treated me as a child and now as an adult how it affects me. My mother is extremely codependent and so my trauma seems be centered around my role as a caregiver and protector because she put so much pressure on me to take care of her emotionally.
Not being seen. Told your feelings don't matter. Inner child work helps so much.
Also the repeated quote of my bio mom:"Keep your comments to yourself."
BPD mom + NPD dad = years of therapy. 🤣 You're so right that they often choose each other. I thought I had it figured out but the resulting damage is so layered that it can take years to unwind it all. But so, so worth it. Thanks for this more nuanced view of NPD, especially. While my father had the hallmark symptoms, he was at times very engaged and very much a good father. That carried its own confusions, of course, but both these disorders are on a spectrum.
I think it is VERY important to know where your parents most likely fall on the spectrum. I know therapists don't like labeling people but honestly I am pissed off at the amount of time and effort I put in to get my parents to give a shit about my life. They just don't care and they think I am 100% the problem, so you know what they are both dead to me. No contact for life, they have stolen more than enough of the limited time I am on this planet. Am I bitter? Yup and I am taking my bleeping life back!!
Go you!!!
As my therapist said to me when I drew a line & said No More..."sounds like the disfunction is ending with you". I felt powerful, in control & valued by...myself. I'm just sorry children can't do this but an adult child can but done.
I recommend you write all the things you are bitter about down and analyze it fully and then find the courage to confront your parents with all the reasons you feel the way you do. Find the courage to tell them and you will find it easier to let go of the resentment. I suggest doing it by email to avoid all the emotional/physical confrontation that may come your way from standing up for yourself. There likely response to you wil be that you are being abusive and that is the point at which you tell them you will not bother them again and go No Contact. Worked for me & that been about 3 years now. There is a real sense of closure when you do this and it is very important for your personal growth and health. Good luck moving forward. Cheers.
My mom tried to pick fights with me again recently and I didn’t even care anymore
@@DosBearbut it’s kind of like - what’s the point? They don’t care know, they don’t understand now. They won’t care or understand later.
Dear Dr Kim,
I'm always grateful for your content. We feel less alone when we feel seen by certified people. Whenever I question my sanity after almost a year of No Contact, your videos bring me back to earth.
I was the quiet child that everyone wished to have - I could be left on my own for hours & you'd find me where you left me, rarely wandered off (I rebelled a little, but more for independence rather than to "stick it to them", when I hit 16 and onward), never brought anyone home without their (u/bpd + seemingly narc parents) permission, school never called them for any trouble on my end etc. In fact I even discarded friends she never approved of - I suspect it was the friends that never cared to get close to her (and she didn't like that; as if that were more important than me having my own good friends). I wouldn't say that I was perfect however I was a regular, normal kid.
Yet that wasn't enough for them. Regardless, no kid deserves that amount of rage with little to no explanation, unnecessary threats, aggression and violence, ongoing screaming, grudges held by their own parent, public humiliation, insane loyalty demands, crippled sense of competence and confidence - and I could keep going.
Lately I've been paying close attention to my own behavior and responses, so I'm trying to see if I exhibit any of these traits. Are they learned or is it something deeper than that? Do I believe to have BPD or any other personality disorder? It really messes with you as you would never wish to become your parents, or to become someone you'd hate to be. These videos are helping me to not only understand the trauma I went (and still are going) through, but to also address it and look inwards as not to carry it forward into my own personal relationships. I used to fly off the handle based off of assumptions, and for the past year, whenever I feel confused or hurt, I am learning to have a conversation beforehand, rather than react with no evidence or discussion. Its putting my feelings on hold and putting me in control of myself, as well as respecting the other person. I realized that I never learnt this from my parents or from any relatives, but I'm glad I'm monitoring myself in some small way right now.
I credit the accountability factor to my husband; disagreements, honesty, vulnerability and stability are not things to be afraid of. (Shocking!)
Surrounding ourselves with people that allow us to "grow" and be better is one of the best things we can do.
You've won my support and my subscription!
Love,
D. xx
Thank you so much for sharing some of your story, I am so sorry you had to endure such a challenging childhood. I understand- and I am so proud of you for doing the work to explore and heal the feelings and patterns that come up for you. It's so true that we are going to absorb some parts of what happened to us, even when we don't want to. But it is in the self awareness and attempts to change and heal where we are different. You are not your parents - no matter what --and we have to basically teach ourselves "how to be" in relationships - it's not easy. I love that you are surrounding yourself with safe people - it makes all the difference in the world to just start from a place of safety. I'm so glad you feel seen here - you deserve to feel seen. Sending you so much support in your journey and grateful you are here!!
Very well said. My story too including the husband that saved me.
@@lisahead6868 That's wonderful, Lisa! We need to make sure we make the most of it because we deserve the peace🤗
One of your very best videos, Dr Sage! This was tremendously helpful! My mother is definitely undiagnosed BPD, but she wasn’t always raging and cray cray. She had moments of being a good and attentive mom. And as I grew up in the 70s she got us books like TA for tots and the record album free to be you and me. She wanted to do better than her parents who had been so emotionally abusive of her. And she managed to do better, but just not consistently. She also most definitely traumatized me and parentified me. Thank you for your amazing work!
I really think both of my parents are borderline… and the role reversal was with both of them. They both would come to me and dump all their problems on me and I was always drawn into their problems between each other. Both trying to get me to pick sides. And I had to hide things from them about the others feelings so as not to cause jealousy or anger… this was also extended into my grandmother who helped raise me. I always felt like I was being bounced back and forth between the three of them.
As an adult and after I moved away, visiting them became so stressful and exhausting… trying to make everyone happy and not hurt anyone’s feelings. No one wanted to be together so I could just visit them all at the same time so I had to schedule my time with each of them, many times eating more than one dinner and not telling them I already ate at the other ones house.
Now I have basically become estranged from my dad and my mom and grandma live together but they act like they hate each other most of the time. I just got back from a trip visiting them and I’m seriously considering never going back.
This is me, I'm convinced my mother was an undiagnosed borderline and my sister is the same now. I also think that there's some narcissism sprinkled in. I have been in trauma therapy for the last 6 months... And honestly I'm beginning to see how abusive everything was.... How enabling everyone was and all collectively abused me... And now I feel like I need to go no contact but I feel like I can't.
I am so sorry, and I truly hope therapy is helping to heal your heart and life. It takes time and space and it is a process when people decide or not how to engage. Please give yourself lots of love and compassion in that decision too.🙏💜
i still remember when i was 16 i had the first also the only conflict with my (mostly absent) father. i was crying and very heart-broken about how he never trusted me cuz i've had a long day at school. during the whole time he was calm, smiling ironically questioning how my mom must be talking shit about him hence i was so disappointed at him, showing absolutely zero empathy. well, a few years have passed and he starts to tell me (inconsistently) how much he loves me bc im guessing he's getting old and wants someone to take care of him. well, i dont think he loves me, and i'll never forgive him for how he broke my heart as well as my longing for a father figure.
I found your channel after searching for journaling tips for (C)PTSD and I can’t tell you how grateful I am. Not only for the journaling series, but this is also exactly something I’ve been thinking and wondering about a lot lately-both the difference with BPD and NPD in parents, and parents with personality disorders vs. parents that “just” had toxic behaviour... I’ve often found it’s been a bit difficult to look this up though because a lot of people like to bring up whether we should even be labeling others or they fall into this thing where they almost come across like they want to warn others not to be too harsh on other people while talking about this. And I’m not saying I can’t see value in any discussions like those, but at least for me personally as someone who still has a lot more work to do in healing from my childhood trauma, I find the way some people talk about it very easily invalidating or even outright triggering for shame and self-blame and doubting my own experiences. I’ll often automatically fall back onto thinking maybe I’m exaggerating my own struggles and I’m being too judgmental or dramatic, it wasn’t really that bad and so on... so it’s tricky to navigate seeking out information and resources on this particular topic because some of it hasn’t really been all that helpful, at least for where I’m at right now.
But you talk about it all in a very kind and compassionate way where it never felt invalidating or triggering for me to ask myself as I listened if maybe my parents were “just” emotionally immature. I also do feel even more certain now that I did struggle with parents who were both somewhere there in the Cluster B. So I think it’s really important to allow yourself to really think about and explore and make sure you understand these things, because like you said, the treatment one might need to move on will vary. I truly appreciate the way you explain things and word things so well and how this video never felt like there’s some ‘competition’ for who had the worst suffering while explaining these differences, plus the validation that it DOES matter and there’s nothing wrong with exploring this information. It’s all just about understanding your own upbringing and how to proceed when going forward and what to do about things now.
I know I’m rambling quite a bit, but really what I mean to say is thank you so much, I truly appreciate your videos and that you share this information with us. It’s given me a lot to think about. 😊
Thank you so much for sharing this - I so appreciate your feedback. The truth is that I understand this as a child of it too- but also being a psychologist, I try to walk the line with love and respect to all. However, I also understand that while people who struggle don't choose to have these disorders themselves, they really can have a very significant and specific impact upon us and how we struggle. So I think it really does matter to understand it, so we can map out our own healing. I wish you so much support and strength and healing in your own journey. 🙏🙏
You are Not labeling anyone using the term Narcissism because it a long pattern of bad characteristic traits of Low to No Empathy, Self-entitlement, Selfishness, Grandiosis, Arrogant, Egocentric, False-Self or known as a Mask, Black & White Thinking (all or nothing), Victimology, Uncooperative, Highly Controlling, Highly Competitive, Extreme need for Validation, takes No Responsibilities for their actions, Aggressive, Argumentative, lie with ease, Manipulative, steal, Gaslight, Rage (in your face) or (Passive-Aggressive (Covets/Vulnerables)). They are at the core fearful, Self-loathing, Shame. This is how a person chooses to go through life. You are just using one word to describe these behaviors.
Hi loveys! Please let me know what you think about this video! xo
Also - it looks like the journal question cannot be fully seen -so if you want to explore or journal about this video it says "Some examples of my parent struggling with emotions and reactions include....." and "When I think about how my parent's emotions/behavior impacted me, I feel...."
Wow. It's like you've met my mother...
I find this and pretty much all of your videos so helpful and validating particularly when other people share their experiences. It’s like silent group therapy.
It’s validating. Thank you.
so incredibly relieving and validating to finally find some answers for why my mother acts the way she does. ive been fighting myself for years back and forth on what it is but finally feel seen.
Thank for highlighting that NPD & BPD occurs with single parent mothers too.
NO ONE TALKS ABOUT THAT TRUTH.
On several man hating channels, those bitter single vulnerable Narcissists, who are jaded women, portray all men as Narcissistic tormentors. That overgeneralization is nauseating to hear as a Male Empath. It's a alienating damaged and skewed perspective.
I am a survivor of maternal incest and babysitter molestation, that occurred between ages 4-12, in the 70's and early 80s. So man bashing in a female populated online support group is the last thing that I want to hear when seeking support and validation for my ever present CPTSD Symptoms.
Thank goodness your channel is more tolerant and open-minded than many others I've experienced and observed.
My biological mother had NPD, BPD.
She also had Intermittent Explosive Identity Disorder(IED). Her explosive rages were well known throughout the family and the whole neighborhood.
A mandatory reporter even filed a 51A on her( Abuse & Neglect Charge) It was a traumatizing for her only biological child. She did not want a boy and made that very clear everyday of my life.
"Living" under her violent Authoritarian Dictatorship the first 19 years of my life left me with permanent unforgetable Trauma. It was a God send to leave the state for college to get the he'll away from her weekly chaos.
I, the codependent emphath, chose Covert Female Narcissists to partner with unconsciously after leaving her house of hell. What an unfulfiling experience that was for decades. Because of studying
unconcious programming and
(Repetitive Compulsion Theory) at the Graduate Level,
I know why Covert Female Narcissist are perpetually attracted to Male Empaths.
I'm not walking down that road to nowhere ever again. I can have remarkable joy and satisfaction away from pathological women. Millions of them have an avoidant, ambivalent
and/or disorganized attachment style. Their sour juice is not worth the squeeze. I've been there, done that and bought the T-Shirt. I'm not welcoming that into my life ever again.
I've intensionally remained single since Covid began. I feel WONDERFUL after doing my independent Graduate Level
Clinical Psychology Studies too. Commiting to my internal healing work with a compassionate Trauma Therapist for 10 months has been eye opening.
Life is good.
Keep on bringing your caring and inclusive content Dr Kim. It has been monumentally helpful. I wish I was in CA. Then I would seek to have therapy sessions with you. Oh well,
this will do for now along with my primary trauma teletherapist.
Thanks again. You're a winner Dr Kim!
I’m sorry you went through that, my father was a borderline and he sucks the good out of the room but he has nothing on my ex’s mother with what she did to my ex was monstrous and she caused him to have a major breakdown through her cruelty as we were forced to live with her for a while and she essentially destroyed the amazing person I had loved as he became a shadow of his former self as he watched her destroy his father who had enabled her to do it and told my ex he was the crazy one, she put him in horrific situations as a child which he tried to forget but she made sure it resurfaced again and my only question was why?
We are so blessed to have you! Ive been suffering with feelings of worthlessness and self destructive behaviors for as long as I can remember, which have only grown as I’ve gotten older. Understanding my Mom and Dad’s affect on me as I’ve grown up (im 18 now) has really shown me that it isn’t completely my fault for my deep problems. It’s shown me the long road of healing I need to take before I can feel secure in my life. Thank you for your love and care to educate and truly care about BPD people and the children of BPD.
To all you parents with BPD.....
sorry but you’re on your own now. We as children have done all we could raising you.
We’re done. Good luck.
Thx. Just what i needed to hear
@@sherrytaylor3738 lol I hope you’re being sincere because I think lots of adult children need to hear it.
Thank you for explaining. Even as a clinician it looks different at home vs. in the office. And you do a good good spelling it out,
I have read that book and I found most of it applies to my parents, especially my mom. I have definitely considered her as having borderline traits but I'm not sure if I'm ready to consider the eventuality of her fitting the borderline label completely. She surely is not one of the extreme, clear-cut cases with suicidal behaviors. But so many things fit if not taken to that extreme end. Personally I am conflicted because to tell the truth I don't know if I am ready to accept that my mom is borderline and thus, I am unable to really be or have been 'seen', understood and cared for by her. Right now I'm in a very vulnerable place in life because I am trying to reduce my psychiatric medication for bipolar 1 (which has given me so much havoc) and so I absolutely necessitate a calm, quiet, boring life. But I still have to live with my parents at the moment because of my disability and they never even try to pretend to give me that. Every excuse is okay to throw childish and unpredictable tantrums over the most inane things. I have been clear for years that this constant chaotic and violent atmosphere is poison for me, but they deny it's there, they have never changed their behavior and sometimes even resented me for asking them to please change it or try to. Another thing I notice in them, which I don't share, is that they live by others' perceptions of them, which is very indicative of cluster b. If something bad happens in front of others it's a tragedy and a loss of face, but if something worse happens only in the family then it's as if it was nothing, even if it was objectively traumatic, and I am obliged to forget it and never bring it up again.
I sure have my amount of faults and sins in life, and definitely have to improve my emotional regulation especially when I go into 'bipolar' states (I am at a disadvantage here). But when I ask them to try and do the same they lash out at me, and it's also impossible for me to receive comfort because if I have a problem then I can't complain because she or others have had it worse, or don't want to listen. The same also goes for my moods, I should always have my shit together even if I was diagnosed bipolar 1 but they can emote around (at least in the family) with absolutely no impunity. They both either have no faults at all or they did everything wrong in life (emotional excuse?). I have wondered many times if I am some kind of cluster b too but right now it seems to me my emotional regulation problems are specifically triggered by my parents over everything else rather than being my own deep-seated convictions, and I am not really fixated over having a good 'image' to total strangers like I see cluster bs do. I tend to have a neutral or slightly positive attitude towards myself when I can be away from my parents. But when I am subjected to their shenanigans I start doubting myself and get lost in gaslighting, because I do want their love but as soon as I cause them problems, I'm a bad person/have a terrible personality that no one could withstand. I am by no means a perfect person, I just want to be good enough to override my 'bipolar rages' and not cause damage to those close to me without being overmedicated into grey oblivion. But I don't think I can manage to have mastery over that without my parents' support or at the very least their indifference. Ironically it's my mom's extreme anxiety over my bipolar states that also ignites some of her violent, totally counterproductive clownish behavior towards me, but she never wants to change; she will maybe say she has understood and she will change but it's never happened.
I would be very grateful for suggestions because I'm in this very weird and delicate spot in life and I know I have objective issues caused by them but at the same time I feel sad and guilty about 'going against' them.
I liked the video. It was more authentic, helpful and validating than what is out there online today. There are about
20 PhDs, LCSWs and Psychologist who understand NPD and BPD from a seasoned deep level. You are among the cream of the crop who know how to relate this valuable information Dr Kim.
I've been watching several of your videos, and I'm SO happy to find someone on YT who shows kindness, respect and knowledge to the degree you do. No wackiness to make one wary... Thank you.
BPD/NPD attributes listing of probably triggering and poorly written bitter descriptions of them, from a venting child product of both. Maybe you can find any relatable signs in the list?:
best way I can describe it:
Borderline:
Screaming infants, adult children
- antagonistic, cynicism justifies actions
(They’ve been through some shit and never grew up)
-projecting whatever they’ve experienced
-easily triggered and paranoid
-taking accountability is scary so they’d rather ditch, and if your upset about it then ur the problem(triangulate, crazy make, debase and devalue, whatever it takes) as a fast bandaid, the consequences don’t affect me
- Probably antagonizes and crazy makes children a lot
-switching; sometimes they can be okay and a cool parent, but can at other times be a screaming infant bully; the switch happens quickly , and easily, with a (perceived) trigger
-kindness is usually out of a fear of abandonment and not actually about the receiver,
-rare instances of apologizes or love bombing (though poorer fashion than a narcissist could pull off,) are self serving, not genuine
----------------------
Narcissism:
Spoiled mean spirited toddlers, adult children
-King of the shit hill, better than everyone else atop the hill of shit
-attentionwhores; needs Narcissistic supply, needs to stick their nose where it doesn’t belong, needs to control others
-like to seem charming on the surface but is 💩 underneath. If you live with one it’ll be revealed over time. Or not, if they’ve got a pedestal then why would they suddenly be so cruel???
/-cus they’re inconsiderate and mean in nature, and they’ll do it again /
-insecure, projecting anger and punish everyone else, hurt others that love them until they are worth less than even the NPD , cus it gives them a sense of power.
- mean spirited and passive aggressive, no boundary they won’t cross.
- King of the chess board and everyone else atop it is a pawn; genuinely treats children and people as disposable toys
-you’ll keep trying to be good enough in their eyes, but they’ll keep raising the standard higher and higher
-Narcissists are cowards, if you choose to love one, don’t be shocked if they aren’t there for you when they need to be, don’t expect to rely on them either.
- image matters more than humanity
-grandiosity, their bad actions don’t fit their view of themselves so they project it on everyone else
-good liars
-sneakily antagonistic, good at bait and switch, passive aggressive, DON’T TAKE THE BAIT
-love bombing and trauma bonding
BPD/NPD… Petulant/Belligerent, always gotta project their shit on to everyone else. These behaviors of both illnesses are unwarranted in the face of loving, loyal, long standing relationships.
Can they change?
BPD is more a set of unhealthy tools, while NPD is more ingrained;
-BPD is more likely to change than NPD, but taking accountability or even wanting to get help is still a choice.
-----------------------
These kind of adult children make for terrible parents, can anyone relate?
I hear about a scale of BPD/NPD, but at least my experience, to think that someone crossing one line/boundary stops there; apparently, dredging in despair is much easier than growing as a person. So to that I say, it doesn’t. It’s hard to unconditionally love someone who so conditionally stabs and causes harm to you without gratitude or remorse. It’s harder too, when you have needs that your parents won’t provide. I hope my description does them justice.
A good song: ua-cam.com/video/0KkTgvY4PT4/v-deo.html
Oversharing? My vibe is pretty sour lol sorry
I feel like garbage 🙇♀️🗑 sorry for adding to the stigma I’m just very bitter.
Thank you for this video, mental health access is so important
I'm only now discovering your channel, but you've just answered all of my most pressing questions that no other channel on NPD or BPD was able to answer. I can't tell you how validated, and relieved I'm feeling rn. Thank you sm. I wish I could properly express how much this means.
Hi Dr Sage,
Thank you so much for another fantastic video.
My mother meets the criteria for each of the ten areas you highlighted. Unpacking all of this information is so validating!
I have been low contact with my mother for 14 months now. She had another violent outburst in my home in front of my children, and it completely shook me to the core. Your videos help me to maintain the healthy boundaries I have established for myself and my family. Whenever I am feeling wobbly in my resolve, I rewatch them to help me get clarity and strength.
I'm looking forward to your courses. Thank you for all you do here 💐
Thank you so much for sharing here. I am so sorry that you have a mothering experience that is so difficult, it truly can be soul shaking to be in a situation where we feel so unsafe with our own mothers. I am so proud of you for setting boundaries, protecting your children and yourself. I am grateful for you - when I hear an experience like yours, it helps to remind me that I am not making videos out into the air - but that real people feel seen and understood too. Sending you so much strength and healing!!
Thank you so much Dr Sage 💐
I could be the poster child for this! Thank you for this video!
I look forward to hearing more of you upcoming content. Have a good evening.
So enlightening Dr. Kim. Thank you
Dr Kim THIS was an incredible session. Yeah. There is a very good chance I was raised by a NPD or BPD (or both) parent. My brother was BPD and I’m now certain I was in my late teens to late 30s. It has settled down for me but I’m still realizing my codependent traits. My husband saved me from myself and we have raised a pretty great kid now in college.
I learned a lot. Thanks!
Thank you for explaining how my mom was an Angel & Devil.
I love your videos so much!
I used to look for explanations for my mother's behaviour alongside emotional immaturity, but I was never sure; she never really fit into any specific criteria. But she does fit in perfectly to the emotional immaturity AND 'high functioning' BPD criteria as you described them, I wonder if there's a connection there. Thank you for explaining!
Thank you so much for sharing this- I am so sorry it took me a while to respond! Your example is a huge reason why I say all of the time that this dynamic is often misunderstood and misdiagnosed. BPD really has a huge spectrum and regardless of any label - at least understanding what is ok and what is not ok can be helpful...at least I think!:). sending you so much support and healing as you keep working through it and trying to understand!
Great video!
I believe my mother in law has BPD. Her mom had it and she has 6 or 7 of the BPD traits. She’s been in therapy for decades for depression and she’s had some trauma in her life. Right now we’re struggling with how to interact with her because she has just had a breakdown with my sister in law and even though her anger wasn’t directed toward us this time, it brings back so many negative/stressful emotions from all the times she has attacked us, and it makes me want to step away and protect myself from experiencing that with her again. Im struggling with how to interact with her because it is always so black and white, she is either 100% talking to you all the time or she’s cut you off. Is there any way to keep a civil relationship with someone with BPD but also protect yourself and keep some distance?
What's so confusing for me is witnessing how seemingly empathetic my mother is with everyone else BUT me!! She'll go out of her way for other family members, friends, & will even put herself out for complete strangers but when it comes to me she has absolutely N🚫 empathy!! I know on an intellectual level is just how being. Can she be something other than a narcissist if she only displays narcissistic behavior towards me & my dad (though he started out as her enabler & is now a full-blown narc himself, but below her in the pecking order between the 2 of them)?? Can narcissists show true empathy towards certain people & totally narcissistic towards others or does a true narcissist have to narcissistic towards everyone except the "golden child" --- if there is one?
My narcissistic mother is like this too. She is horrible towards me but she acts like such a loving person towards other young women who ask her for advice. She becomes unrecognizable. It is so painful. I think narcissists do this because 1) They need to keep up a good image infront of other people because they care alot about looking good to the public and 2) They do not see those people as narcissistic extensions of themselves so they are not as invested in controlling and manipulating those people. My narc mother always does this thing when she is talking to other people where she will say "I always tell my daughter (insert extremely wise kind advice)" and in my mind I am thinking, "you have literally never said that to me a day in my life". I think it is all about looking good to other people for them.
It's a? Question I been asking myself for years. Waiting to see 👀 a change. But na the hate and the rage never stop
Do you have any coursework for diagnosed DID? I was diagnosed 7 years ago at an intensive live in trauma treatment center (for an unrelated but related trauma, my 2nd abusive husband overdosed in front of me and our 4 year old, then CPS took my son away right before the police took me in handcuffs to a mental hospital. I lost 4 entire days and “woke” up sitting next to another patient having no idea how long I had been there).
I was an hsp, emotionally intense, hyper empathetic child (probably autistic, my son is diagnosed autistic). I was narcissistically abused by my mom and older brother from the absolute beginning of my life.
It’s been impossible finding any professional help that I can afford and it’s literally taken these 7 years for my mind to understand exactly what that is and start seeing DID alters and their unique behaviors in memories that surface.
I still have about 25 years on and off missing from my life and I’m getting flooded now with painful childhood memories for the 1st time. It’s impossible to get any better and isolation, journaling and self care is about all I can do to not break or switch to one of my toxic alters.
Just today I realized how clinically depressed I was all day but can’t remember the 1st 3 hours after I woke up. I realized that my ISH was still “driving” but I could feel the emotions of my 25 year old alter that was married to my abusive husband, clinically depressed and drank vodka every day while hiding it. Oh! I could also suddenly remember my husbands phone number and our old address like I still lived there and called it everyday, which is really strange since I can’t remember any of my old numbers.
It was the strangest feeling and I was terrified but also felt really guilty because I didn’t want to face her memories and feelings. I know out of all my alters she needs the most empathy, love and care. She carries ALL of our self hate and self blame. I felt awful for not wanting to “face” her.
Ugh, I know I sound crazy. I can’t believe I’m publishing this comment but I just don’t know what else to do. I’m desperate.
I don't see the free courses on your site
I can relate to CPSTD and Borderline/Narcissistic mother and father.
How much do your courses cost
Pretty sure my mom is BPD and my dad is NPD. My whole family dynamic is super toxic and dysfunctional. My siblings are super super selfish and narcissistic and my sister is a really mean person. And they all gaslight me when I get upset about their abnormal behavior and act like I’m the crazy dumb bi**h for being upset about it.
Good love/bad love. Connection/disconnect. Sounds like the cycle of abuse to me. Maybe I don't understand because my bpd mom wouldn't stop threatening suicide when she didn't get her every demand met.
That’s an awesome book 📕 it’s my parents biography
That's a tough one for you! Sending you so much support, strength and healing!!
This is really just talking about NPD & BPD. There’s very very little mention of emotionally immature type which I was hoping to learn to recognize the difference between that and the other two but instead it was really just a comparison between NPD & BPD
Those with NPD and BPD *are* significantly emotionally stunted..
Being emotionally immature is like ordering the sampler platter of BPD, NPD, and HPD imo.
Surprised you thought JenAn character in the morning show was borderline. I recall she was more classic cold narcissist. Season 3 - I will pay attention!
mom classic bpd, dad grandiose narcissist, me, quiet borderline.
I think my DSD's mom is borderline. I don't know how to help or support her.
🍦🍸