7 Ways You Hand Over Your Power To A Narcissist
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- Опубліковано 28 тра 2024
- Narcissists relate to you with the goal of gaining and maintaining power, which, of course, can be very annoying to you. Dr. Les Carter warns that as much as you dislike their power games, you can inadvertently play along. Highlighting 7 ways this can happen, he offers an entirely different response when narcissists seek power.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder. Since creating his UA-cam channel, his videos have received more than 110 million views.
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Trying to reason with an unreasonable person and defending your rights as a human being is a complete waste of time when that person is a narcissist. In the narcissist's eyes they are always right and you will always be wrong.
They're a drain on the brain at best
This was my experience with a nex.
Yup, even if they cognitively know you are right, they will find a way to turn it into a belief you are wrong - because its just such a dreadful inconvenience if you 're right...
There are people who do not believe in FREE WILL and yet feel morally and intellectually superior to those who do believe in FREE will. This is the whole of our problem. They feel their behaviors are divine manifestations of creative value. They can do no wrong, yet others, somehow can do wrong. Anyone suffering the violence decadent glee is wrong 😂 but the psychotic perverse people are holy holy holy.. this is our world stage open on display. I get blamed all day long for what the corrupt do.
Here is how o describe my narc sister:
She knows everything about everything and she is never wrong.
Always walking on eggshells is exhausting.
Tell me about it! Had a "friend" with whom I played music. He was out of control/controlling, and I paid dearly for it. At the time, I knew next to nothing about narcissists and narcissism, and the songs he wrote were fun to play, BUT! "Walking On Eggshells" was the order of the day. So was the "Jekyll/Hyde" roller coaster aspect of dealing with him. Instead of "walking on eggshells", Walk AWAY.
Yes, that was my issue with my narc mom
@@daveogarf Walking on Eggshells sounds a good title for a song.
42 yrs. Im so fedup
It will also start breaking you down & causes stress, anxiety, loss of sleep and appetite… I hope you can leave. It only gets worse ❤
You give up your power in service to the Narc:
1. You push against their jugdments toward you
2. You feel to justify who you are
3. You hope to gain the understanding by the Narc
4. You make efforts to appease them
5. You think assertively, but then act unassertively
6. You are temporarely seduced by their pleasant episodes (intermittened reinforcement)
7. You cling to hatred and resentment
Result:
》Your best characteristics turn into your worst traits
Be aware:
》By appeasing Narcs, you will get weaker and weaker
》Narcs do not think and react like a healthy person
》Narcs are not interested in you at all except abusing you for their power game
》》Do not hand over your power
》》You are free to be you
》》Hold on to your power of love, goodness, decency, respect etc.
Dr Carter 👨🦳 and Gus 🐶 thank you for another lesson full of insight 🌞🌟🌝🌈
Thanks once again, Roxy!
@@SurvivingNarcissism You are very welcome, Dr Carter.
The note is useful to review what we've learned. 📓
@@yukio_saito Yes, indeed Yukio, it's somehow like an overview.
A relationship with a narc will never win because while you're fighting for love, the only thing they're interested in is power.
When they “collapse” you can’t help but feel empathy for them; that is a TRAP!
They are counting on it!
🎯
I need to remember this 🙏🏻
So true. The story of my life. From parents to all the other relationships 😑
Exactly 🎯🎯🎯 this can be one of the biggest traps at all and like Dr Carter says, they are counting on that!!! If you have empathy for others, your heart naturally wants to help because you are in pain seeing someone else suffering.
You cannot turn off your emotional empathy (like they can turn off their cognitive empathy) but our task should be creating more empathy for ourselves.
I'm sooo proud of myself. I attract narcissists bc I am outgoing and bubbly and they always think I'm a massive supply for them. Well, I'm trying to do better at NOT IGNORING red flags when they appear in new people I meet. Well, I met this guy who we hit it off, and started calling each other and he started using MASSIVE gaslighting comments on our second long conversation and when I CALMLY said, "No, that's not what I said at all," he responded with, "I guess you don't know me well enough yet to know when I'm joking." I responded, "Well that's not considered a joke at any time in any circles I belong to, if you do it again, I'm hanging up." So THEN, he started to try and love bomb me by telling me he would be bringing me a huge basket of food goodies. Well, the next day I texted him and told him not to bring the goodies and he said, "You have so much pride you can't accept a gift?" I responded, "Call it what you want, I don't care, but if you come over I won't be answering the door, and I will call the food bank to come get the box." He's never called back!!!! I DID GREAT!!
Good story!
So proud of you!!!
🎉🎉🎉❤❤❤❤we chosen
Good for you!! I’m proud of you! I broke it off with a narc a few days ago, we just started dating and he revealed he “omitted” some things about his habits (he smokes). Couldn’t even say he lied. I told him from day one that cigarettes are a deal breaker for me but he wasn’t honest so I broke it off. He said I should have compassion for someone who is struggling. Nope! No compassion for lies this early in a potential relationship. He also took zero accountability for his mistakes in past relationships which is a major red flag. It’s basically the “all my exes are crazy” trope that guys do.
So good for us to set those boundaries and we will find ourselves in a good relationship soon with an amazing man!
Remember, “No weapon forged against thee shall prosper…”
I learned the gray rock method & used calm firmness when it finally came to enforcing my new boundaries with the narcissist, so eventually he admitted that he no longer could trigger me to begin an argument. It works simply by not engaging & that’s just too boring for a narc. Their need for attention of any kind will take them elsewhere & then gradually your relief will be the reward for not reacting to the games
Glad you learned and practiced that. 😊
You just described my entire marriage of 33 years.
Almost 51 years for me. This has been the most helpful video thus far.
36 years of appeasing! I'm exhausted.
@MM-gk5of Almost 47 years for me. I agree this is one of the most helpful videos! Dr C pointed out some things that I definitely have to be mindful of! Especially, accepting the truth of who they truly are are!!! 😔😧😒
45 years. Very tired!
30 years "sentence" for me.
My heart truly goes out for all of you, who are and have suffered in long marriages and can't get out. ❤
I strongly feel for you and wish you all the healing and strength!
A narcissist expects nothing more, and accepts nothing less than total agreement from those they seek to control. The only thing holding up their hollow shells is ALLLLLLL that sweet, sweet supply! Provide none!
You get it, Bara.
Until they are done, then they want nothing from you. I'm so confused and feel like I am missing the mark. When there is no real fooling yourself and their mask is off the day to day feels nerve racking. I feel caught. It feels sickening. I don't know where to go from here.
@@An-mei- The only thing we can control is ourselves. So we have the freedom to make choices that are right for our life. And safe. The emotional turmoil and psychological damage a relationship with a narcissistic individual subjects us to affects, among other things, our decision making ability, our feelings of self-worth and even our reality. If we can get to a place of Radical Acceptance - what was, is and ALWAYS will be in that relationship - and know for sure that truth, we can move forward with our healing to eliminating Euphoric Recall. That is remembering the (albeit) few "good" times vrs the day-to-day reality of what we dealt with. There are many healing steps to take, but each one is priceless for our ultimate freedom. I'm here with you.
@@BaraSchmidt I appreciate it, I feel so sick at times. I threw myself into the family, so realizing the dupe and the set up for failure has been terrible. I can control myself but I have no real control over this situation. I'm not geared to think like I am in a labyrinth.
@@An-mei None of us are. That's why these environments blindside us. The last inner circle relationship I unwittingly entered, for me, was the last piece to the puzzle . It helped me connect the dots to past similar relationships, emphasized how they differed - even though they all had that one big similarity. After that epiphany I couldn't un-know those truths. I'll still encounter these situations on occasion, but never at an inner circle level, ever again. I know the pitfalls now. I am back to my authentic self and I make conscious choices that keep me in the healthy zone. As you continue to learn and heal, you can begin to share what you've learned when and if it helps someone along their journey that we, sadly, have also taken.
I think one of them is that if you say sorry or take the blame for something, that isn't your fault. You never hear the end of it. In fact, if they get anything over you, it's hard to struggle out from under the thumb!!!
I agree with you. I don't say sorry anymore if it's not my fault. 🤐
Appreciate you ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
It's the polarity of SLANDER. What is truth? Only feelings are facts and that is their truth. They operate in the big covert mob. To their religion, there is no conspiracies.. just LOVE. 😂
Yes, for sure, Amanda❣ 👍
The question to ask yourself is why you say too easily sorry/take the blame?
Do you doubt your own perception?
Do you want to avoid conflict?
Are you afraid of rejection?
Do you fear the tension?
Etc.etc.
Yes, it's hard to struggle when you are already under the thumb, indeed. 😏
One way to take your power back TEAM HEALTHY!
AND NEVER LOOK BACK!
The years away from their mess has been a major improvement to my health both physically and spiritually!
Run 🏃♀️
This is so difficult when it is your parents who think they can infantilize you to get everything they want. There is no obvious evil to point out, no justification for resisting their petty and destructive demands.
Yes, forever being treated like and talked to like a child, as if you're an idiot. I'm pretty sure that adds to the feelings of being incapable. Add in they'll tell you you're incapable. A vicious cycle
I see Gus on the sofa taking a nap close to your voice.
Yes the voice of reason, Gus feels safe.🐕💓
Gus is such a cutie
It almost feels like we have to go against every instinct in existence to deal with a narcissist! So frustrating! Life did get easier when I realized that, though.
Financially, is a good way, they want you to be crying gratefully in their control.
I'm getting to the point where I'm grey-rocking all day long. It's turned me into an emotionless robot. I don't like what it's turned me into. I don't know how to snap out of it, or find a place of sanctuary to be away from these narcissistic people.
Yessss
“Repeatedly push against their judgments toward you”
Seems like it becomes one’s full time job, leaving few resources for developing self and breaking free
It has to be action because they cannot accept the word NO they just cannot do it
I got the silent treatment after I said: "what part of NO don't you understand???"
Actions speak louder than words.
🪤 Explain to them what exactly happened.
🪤 Correct them if they are wrong.
Things like the above look normal, but it can be a sign that you are already drawn into their power game. Let them tell a false narrative. Don't engage with their game. 😁
Absolutely. Engaging in any conversation will add fuel ⛽️ to the fire 🔥 🙄
Reminding yourself “these people don’t think normally “… they are delusional is super helpful when I start questioning why they act like they do…they don’t think like I do
"Appeasing"-- that's what my younger home care client did, the last 5 months I worked for him and my older home care client. the were BOTH narcissists-- one in charge, the other, the "flying monkey". When it became that BOTHof them would hassle me at the same time, it became intolerble. So glad I'm THE HELL OUT of there. And hoping I'll be able to get a new client who isn't completely INSANE.
When you are kind to a narcissist that's when they treat you the worst.🙄
Another one out of the ball park Dr. C! You always explain everything in such an understandable manner. Plus Gus sleeping in the background has such a relaxing and calming effect. It may be unintended but you both emanate calmness. Happy Birthday Gus!❤🐾🐾
Glad it resonated...and Gus says thanks!
They (Dr. C and Gus) both exemplify peace. It’s one thing to say it, but a whole other thing to demonstrate it.
Gus is tops and so are you, Les! You blow me away every time. I wish you all the best!@@SurvivingNarcissism
Many Happy returns Gus!
Luv Gus! ❤️. How old is he?
I appreciate your channel . I went no contact with most of my Family 30 years ago while I was in Nursing school . I went back for my Fathers funeral . I had a close relationship with him and named my Son Leland after him . I have been in Therapy 7 years this May . I would have to say the one survival strategy I learned actually came from being married to a alcoholic and our therapist told me to go to Al-Anon . My ex spouse was waking me up every night for a year and half . I learned how to detach . My Father was a Major and I married military person . He did not have the same caring and nurturing qualities of my father .My mother was a hoarder . My therapist told me to listen to them . I did and they just acted exactly as always. This time I was detached. As a Nurse of 30 years I now step back and see them as they truly are. They are angry children that did not have an emotionally supportive mother . I am just not going to allow them to take it out on me any more. It has been a long journey to have peace . I am strong and resilient like my Father . God has truly blessed our lives . 2 Sons 4 Grandchildren .
Bravo❤
Bless you
11:09 "it's all about me" : raw selfishness. Well said, Doctor !
"It's not about you, it's about self" is the cognitive dissonance we see playing out. Over simplified jingo is not useful. It's like a double edged sword. I demonstrate this in my example whereas ha-mas is being used as a hyperbolic attack on everyone NOT POLARIZED with the POWERFUL liar, manipulators. I used myself as an example to prove the mindless opinion and behavior of the people. They blame me for what they do. What they do is huge. I have obvious no participation in their devices outside of being SCAPEGOATED for their illicit behaviors..
Thank you Dr. C. "They need you to be beneath them." Dealing w/ narcissism is like walking thru a field full of mosquitoes 🦟 & hoping nothing bites you 4 supply.
That's a good one 😂😮😅
Excellent.
I have been no contact for a couple of years. I occasionally get a gift in the mail or a message, but I ignore them. About 3 months ago I got a text saying they forgave me. After I quit laughing I actually answered back, " Just curious. What are you forgiving me for?" Of course I got a message explaining how they didn't want to go into details. I never responded.
Wow, food for you!
For the covert narcissist that dominance and control would look like stonewalling and silent treatment and not ever resolving conflict.
Instead of outwardly looking like they are trying to control you instead they would do things that are disrespectful perhaps and then never be accountable.
Just blowing by your boundaries and just being kind of a jerk.
And if you try to talk to them about it they will go silent and that is their way of dominating and manipulating and controlling you
True words. And hard to spot at first, as it can done be subtle...
The Narc that i was dealing with went ballistic when I tried to reach mutual understanding. Their hanging up the phone on me was the gateway to Freedom that I have taken.
Spot on, and don’t forget the pathological lying and reality shifting.
Yep, tell me about it.
Facing this for long
@@PantaRhei-wz5zn I feel like these are the most difficult to spot and so kind of the most insidious you know you get sucked in and it's hard to avoid you can't really guard against them as easily
Just learned a new term: cognitive incoherence aka alternative reality. Used by dominators as Dr C is saying.
Resentments are what take me away from peace and they can be what also brings me back to peace..
That's deep!
@@yobrojoost9497 Thank you..
At approximately 05:05
"...that these are JERKS and they HURT people".
The moment I finally understood and accepted that fact really changed the way I feel...think... behave
The way they often try to establish weird (& infantile but monstrous) forms power over you can be so indirect, under the surface, it feels like you're being steamrolled but yet it's nebulous & hard to put your finger on until you learn from great videos and teachers like Dr Carter!
So true!
Hi everyone 🤚 and of course Gus🐕 I’m feeling greatful I adopted a little dog yesterday his owners had a change in circumstances so he was left home alone, I brought him home yesterday and he’s settling down so good and also including in this subject for me he’s rescuing me right back after healing from my past mentally and verbally abusive relationship and he is still trying to send vile emails and videos that can only be blocked one by one,, I don’t even open them anymore and just block them one by one.. Rocco is going to be the most loyal little man that I can ever wish for,, I’m feeling amazing getting out on walks with him ❤
Welcome, Rocco! Great name!!
When I got unwelcome emails from someone I had met socially, I set up an email folder called "social pest" and dropped them straight into it unopened. Thar way it minimised my energy spent on it and I had a record if I ever needed to make a complaint.
I would have thought there is a way to block emails these days.
I have a few people blocked in my phone and discovered when you get a new phone the blocks don't carry forward!
I'm made up for you 🤗
@@amandaliverpool3374 thank you 🙏 xx
Oh, you hit a spot there, Dr Les. I thought I was doing really well and in a way I am. But you've just exposed something I wasn't quite aware of. Thank you.
My ex wanted to argue over absolutely everything. He would double down when I would justify why I think, feel or do the things I do. This would lead him to tell me that I had a real mental health problem because most people don't have to justify...unless they're lieing 🙄 By the end of these circular confrontations, the only thing that changed was he had more ammunition for the next time I would talk to him. He'd basically disappear until he needed more supply & then pop back over to start all over again. It was absolutely exhausting & created more health issues and higher pain levels from the stress. I'm so glad that I will never have to see or speak to this person ever again. His goal was pleasure from watching my destruction.
I had to watch this twice because it was so good.
So pleased!
I swear I caught myself justifying myself to my last girlfriend and then I told her” my character has never been on trial”
You hand over your power by staying.
You will never be critized by someone who is doing MORE than you. Only by those doing LESS than you (projection)
*People get really mad at you when you don't let them use you*
I've lived it. Am living the backlash of saying NO MORE
I wish I had Gus's detachment of all the burdens of the past and future "nuclear bombs" the narcissists bring in our lives. His attitude is definitely part of our therapy! Such e relief seeing him so peaceful there on the couch :)
I can no longer go with the status-quo of my unchangeable narc. parent. Going along with there status quo over many decades, has become bad for my mental health. It has taken a lot of time for me to find my inner peace. This has not been easy for me.
Guys! Looks like we need to support each other here. I have been a victim of a narcissist for like 8-9 years and until few months ago, I didn't even know it! Because my mother is a narcissist, so this behavior was normalized for me. Only as my healing started to deepen, I started to see things as they are! These videos are helping a lot!
Plus there is another side of narcissist, they don't know what they are doing. They really belive they arw doing the Right Thing.
Narcissism is a dysfunctional state of mind where psyche is disconnected from feeling and emotions (result of severe childhood trauma) These people are lost, empty and even scared.
Knowledge is power, can’t believe there is so much info on these people… I had no clue that this is the norm for these people.. I was lost but I knew there was something not right, glad I chose to dig & no matter how big or bad u think u are being a victim of these ppl when u love them is death by a 1000 cuts as u would say
My narcissist father told me he thought I should be his slave. He said that when he's old he should get whatever he wants. His entitlement was overwhelming. I worked at his construction business and all he wanted me to do was be a day laborer. He never taught me the thing I would need to do to start my own construction business; then after he retired he said to me that he wanted me to take over his construction business.
The reason you try to persuade them that they're so wrong about you is because they are telling others their bad opinion and turning them against you too. As your loved ones drop or attack you, you get upset and look like the crazy one. Can't win them back. Have to detach emotionally and accept their right to believe whatever they choose. Look for nicer people and stop running back to those who beat you up emotionally.
You have A very relaxed dog on the couch.🐶
I am working with several narcissists and am looking for help in making this a win win situation.
They have to want it. Good luck, those are great intentions.
Stephen Covey listed "Think win/win, or no deal," as a habit of highly effective people. That is, those w/ a win/ lose, lose/win, or lose/lose paradigm may not be open to win/win, in which case your choice is to play by their paradigm or let go.
Unfortunately a Carrot does not always work on work nars... Once they know of the existence of the Carrot, they'l try to steal the carrot from under you, or try to bully or convince you to give the Carrot up for free. In these situations its often more a case of: How much of a Stick can you bring if they dont play nicely ? And can you guard the Carrot ?
Have a realistic view of your own possibilities in the situation. Set clear boundaries, and reinforce them from the first time go. Do not let them believe you are easy or a pushover. And expect a bit of blow back. You'll get it anyway.
Bottom line, you have to honor another person’s free will. Your only option is to accept it otherwise in the perception of man, you’re in the wrong.
Thousands of Thanks, Dr. C.! ❤
This made me almost cry. The 7th hit me the hardest. I must get past the anger and resentment.
Thank you for being a beacon of hope,light,encouragement,reason, kindness... and Healing! Your gentle demeanor,voice and way of speaking means so much.
I especially love and wait for the words at the end of each video... of finding and getting to a place of PEACE!
Sad but true 😢
I thought for years that my narc sister was distant and uncaring because she was an alcoholic. Then when she started the campaign of turning others against me, I had to believe it was her alcohol use, otherwise how could a person do such a thing. Narcissistic behaviors definitely get worse with age. We are all old now. No contact is such a blessing if you can manage it.
I luv Gus just sleeping there.
A good antidote to Narc is creativity. Creativity has to do with love. Narc can't stand love. They want to destroyed. They are typical killjoys who find fault with everything. To ruin your joy, to sow doubt, to discourage or ridicule you. If you don't let your love for creating (at work, in your hobbies, etc.) be taken away from you I. E. If their sabotage no longer works, You've found the antidote to narcissism. 🤗💞
Such a great observation!
@@Benjaminleo815 thank you Benjamin 🙏🤗
Thank you, Dr. Carter. Your message confirmed the need to conform to the tenets of team healthy.
Dr. Carter’s advice got me fired from my job a few years ago….THANK YOU.
I am in a better situation but we have one terrible bully at work ( of course). I am always amazed how co workers will make a reasonable request to this person and feel a need to grovel in the process…” I don’t want to make any trouble but …,”. And the narcissist co worker just eats it up. Language is important. I have made a point in this job of using assertive language- “This is what I need…and thank you.” Whenever I hear co workers apologizing to this person for their reasonable requests- “I don’t want to cause any trouble…”, I jump in with a , “Don’t ever give up your personal power!”. One adult male co-worker looked at me wide eyed and said, “I have personal power?”. He meant it, too, Dr. Carter. I have been there, too, or at least didn’t know how to assert myself in healthy ways. I have learned a lot from you over the years. Thanks 😊
How toxic! I'm glad you're away from that!
Great perspective, really shined a new light on this whole experience. I appreciate your insight and the way you present everything is so easy for me to understand.
I tried so hard to show my narcissistic mother I wasn't what she thought/said I was...I beg, rephrase my words, and I even broke down a cried. Then I lost hope and because I could move out (trying to come up with a plan) I just went grey rock. She died a few months later. They don't want to see they are wrong about us or can't!
Thanks so much for your continual support and great insight Dr. And all of team healthy...comments are helpful❤
This was helpful. I just started working for someone who may be a narcissist. Before this I had been narcissist-free for several years. So, I needed a refresher. It's so tragic we need to hone these skills.
I’ve identified my new wife as a narc.
And myself as an old fool
In the end after the first points mentioned...I learned to just shut up. Justifying every single thing you do or think is exhausting and sucks the life out of you. So I gave up and appeased...still wasn't good enough. Got to the point where I wondered what was the point in existing anymore..a shell and had a few moments of behaving badly to others to almost show him I was on his side. God gave me a way out at that point... incredible!...and since then I've learned all about what I was actually 'in' for about 20 years. I'm still in the process of gaining myself back 2 years later, I realise the total damage it did to me...I used to be a vibrant person full of hope. I'm so grateful to get out of the toxicity and start the next phase of my life.
Walking on eggshells used to be my "favourite" tactic. I thought it would soften the blow, but it never really worked, my Nmom was still angry.
Dr Les Carter, I would very much appreciate a Video about: what to do when your own adult children are flying monkeys and the one who is using them ist their own Father. I saw some of your Videos about how small children or young ones are being influenced by a narcissistic parent. But I can't find any information about my situation. In my case my narzist left me after we've bin married 22 years. Our 5 Kids (17, 20, 23, 24, 25) are all influenced by their Father. It hurts so badly. I cant find any information what do I do in such a case. I live still with 2 younger ones, one lives with their Father and 2 not fahr away. We're all in one city. They go to their Father every Sunday to eat together, and they have a nice time there. They go in movie theaters, they make walks in parks with his dog, they go to restorants together, aso. By me at home I feel very strong the influence of their Father and it makes me very sad about it.
They all believe that it is only because of me that our family fell apart. I believed it as well. Only after 4 years (about 5 months ago), one lady in my new found church, opened my eyes and explained to me, in which reality I was in. She was able to see it, as I was telling her my story, putting the whole blame for whats happened 100% on myself. That was the first time I ever heard about a narcissism. Sad to say, I helped my kids to believe, that it was all my fault. Back then, I asked each of them for forgiveness for destroying our Family und the life of their Father. In saying so I actually helped him as well to win our kids as his flying monkeys.
What do I do, when I love them so much, that I can't really think of breaking the contact with them?
On top of it together with my friend we came to a very sad conclusion, that my oldest son is a narcissist as well - he does already the same kind of stuff with his girlfriend which I experienced with his Father What do I do as a mother?
I would be happy to hear something about "when adults children turn egainst you"
I would also like Dr C to talk about a situation like yours. I know how you feel… the father of my children is a narcissist, my children are now 45 and 50 years old and they are both narcissists. It feels impossible to go no contact with them. They are my children and I’m supposed to love them unconditionally
I have some similarities, too, as I’ve often seen how much my younger daughter is like her mother, my N-ex.
Wow #7 hit home….its hard to deal with this and not become a “bad guy” in return.
Sociopathic parent and narcissistic in-laws will use my assertive speaking as the false reasoning that I never spoke up in a "calm" way or I attracted that parent to their behavior! Forgive them yes, absolutely, but you don't have to be close because reconcillation is subjective--I say God Bless to their psychological chaos.
Interesting timing for me on this video. Thank you helps a lot.
Thank you I am getting better on picking up on narcissists. I am in a large group setting and after about six weeks have identified two by their behaviour towards me. Ghosting is a popular form of narcissistic control by disempowering and demeaning and invalidating. I will recognise it next time. Never experienced it before.
I'm so glad I've learned so much from you and a few others about all of the signs I see and experience in my very difficult marriage . I'm able to disengage now, and know, it's not me and to mentally stay on team healthy! The put downs and crazimaking always still hurt, but I'm strong and I've grown so much in not believing the lies he tells about how hurtful, inept, cold, too sensitive etc I am. I am guilty though, of giving up my power in some of the ways you said. I tend to acquiesce too much and get caught in his cycle of mean, but then nice. I can recognize the cycle and that he's being nice cuz he desperately needs my affirmation. I don't want to overlook his bad behavior but I know talking about it won't help anything. I choose to stay...for many reasons, so I'm still on a journey of trying not to give up my power. Thank you so much for listening and your helpful posts!!!!!
BTW...Are you ok? I'm concerned about your throat. I'm praying for good health for you!
This is so spot on. I did them all and didn’t even know it.
My problem is holding onto hate and resentment. How to get rid of it?
Forgiveness benefits you, not them. It takes away your need to mete justice, calculate punishment, or even waste time concerning them. Let ‘em go. Karma will deal appropriately.
… not saying you HAVE to, some just cannot. But if you do, let it take time.
@@aaronkwolfe I know. But how do you change how you feel? People say to let go, that holding onto hate gives them power, and they are absolutely right. But I find I can't just flick a switch and stop hating and obsessing over them. Maybe when they die. But unfortunately their horrible genes live on in their offspring.
@@snowbear1877 “Flicking a switch” is the easy way we’d all love. Unfortunately, it does take longer. It’s a process. When you can remove yourself from their behavior, it goes a bit faster. I’ve been there. I don’t make claims it’s as easy as flicking a switch. Any more that growth & healing. Those things take time, too.
Snowbear, I'm including a link that deals with your spite toward a narcissist. Hope it addresses your concern. You know I'm pulling for you. Dr. C. ua-cam.com/video/VGE0P8nSguo/v-deo.html
That’s an immediate no anybody catering to that only makes everything worse for everyone you have to stick it out be consistent for even one time is too much. All I could do was reject it’s not in me to feed ignorance anyway I can’t support poor advice or manipulation and on it goes so not a wonder their constant power struggle ensued but that’s on them that’s their misery no influence over my life force there is quality over quantity it’s stronger I had three to contend with in the family it’s a dominant gene. It’s unfortunate to see your partner or parents or boss etc jealous of you and the maliciousness to bring you down it’s really absurd but thick skin makes a difference. There’s days I can look back and say man was I robbed of everything sure but I was never robbed of myself that’s the one thing that stuck. So stick it out don’t arrest yourself because that’s what they’re trying to do to you.
👌... Okay, interested in a way to growing my skin thicker ... it seems the longer it goes on, the more tired i get, and the thinner my skin gets.
A bit like : When you already have a bruise, it hurts worse if someone hits you at that exact spot, over and over. Would like to grow a nice fat callus over the bruise
🩹
@@PantaRhei-wz5zn if you find you care what others think of you you don’t take yourself seriously enough you don’t practice making your own decisions and therefore no experience to know what you’re capable of you’re not independent. What are your principles? That’s what you ask yourself it starts there. You plant your boundaries. Independence is an insight it’s what works for you. Otherwise, you’re all doing what works for none of you. Politics is a great example of that. So the only way to know independence is to practice it. Naturally you’re only going to follow others when you’re not practicing it, which has nothing to do with you at all and therefore never learn anything about yourself lol and end up cheated/cheat yourself. Start taking yourself seriously (what makes you you, what do you prefer to think and do, what motivates you, what’s been neglected in your development by you or anyone else that you take seriously and want to take more seriously) and your independence will develop and your self-discipline will take over what your previous behaviour didn’t before. You’ll see, a whole new perspective of not only you, life itself. You won’t be willing to let anyone waste your time.
@@PantaRhei-wz5zn an example of conflict as it comes to mind and this is the largest problem in all societies: on the side of human rights against violence there’s representation saying you are the expert and authority of your own life. And yet, your POLITICAL representation doesn’t allow that. Your political representation doesn’t have to be “educated.” In effect, your political representation HAS ZERO FOUNDATION. And none of you that vote demand they have one.
Dr. C, I have taken myself out of the ballgame with a narc. parent. My problem is I lost some sibling relationships in the process. I would still do the same thing though, because my peace and mental health could no longer continue being in this unhealthy family situation.
At some point, you just have to use common sense. Best wishes to you.
10 months post discard from a horrendous 18 month narcissistic experience. I was forced to please and appease someone my psychiatrist tells me was a "Narcissistic Psychopath" in order to date her son. And she made my life a living hell. As I said, 10 months post being dropped by her son to appease her, I am in therapy twice a week and diagnosed with Acute PTSD and Major Depression. That's what happened to me - a happy, balanced, healthy person who had an 18 month encounter with evil. Your video helped. Thank you.
I came up with my 15 words and I wanted to share one with you.. - Independent. - P.S. Please tell Gus to watch the news.. I'm making good trouble 100
Love it!
Hope you feel better Dr. C
Tyfs
Dr C you really hit the nail on the head with this one. I have done all of these things. Narcs aren't people you can have a productive conversation with. Reason and logic don't apply. There is nothing you can say or do to ever convince them that you are a decent, kind person. Going no contact with the narc was the best decision I ever made, but I do miss the good moments. He had a great SOH and made me laugh allot. But over time, the abuse far outweighed the laughter. What is so sad, so incredibly heartbreaking, is accepting that narcs won't never change. It goes against every fiber of my being to completely give up on someone like that, but we have to for our own sanity and well being.
How about the fact that you're in a small group when you're in their presence. This makes it difficult to stay centered in your interactions, since there are people jumping in, and even scolding. It gets complicated and headache-inducing (literally).
Greetings from London and a big thank you for another very informative video. You have helped me in learning to deal with a very dominant twin sister. I have had a life time of her abusive behaviour - rages and rants and putting me down in public, etc. Your knowledge has been immensely helpful and I'm learning to deal with how I respond in a calm manner. Thank you again.
This is so hard with sibling. I can only imagine with a twin. Good for you!
Brilliant insights and advice. I feel empowered just listening. ❤😊
Glad it was helpful!
Me too ❣️
@@amandaliverpool3374 😘❤
My reactive abuse got so bad that now we are broke up that’s all I think about. I got so mean at him with words. My daughter said I had no choice him being a narcissistic. I really think that’s the only way I felt like I could get him away from me was to be as mean as I could I don’t know.
Eventually it's becomes idolatry for us to keep trying to make it work with the narc.
Even God respects our choice to fail. It is a basic right people get to be difficult and have hollow relationships. Infuriating in the short term, sad in the long.
Thx
Perfect Dr C! 100% correct, and spot on! Hi to Gus!
At nearly 60 I'm pretty much out of it simply through banning them from my life. An there was a bunch of them. Now it's about understanding what happened in the first place and this has been by far the best explanation I've ever heard. Many thanks.
I hear your videos and think to myself: “How does he know that?” Because sometimes I feel what I experience only happens to me. Lately I’ve been uninterested in reading or hearing advice from people who don’t deal with narcissistic unique problems because they aren’t really helpful. In fact they feed into the narcissistic unhealthy dynamic.
I keep thinking about your video about their need to aggressively persuade you of their way of thinking on everything. It's so interesting. Because culturally we consider persuasive technique to be a valuable skill and tool to learn. Critical thinking is clearly a good thing. But why persuasion? It's indeed a form of aggression. Why do we need for others to agree with us? On almost anything? In a family, parenting a small child means you have to agree on how to parent. And other types of team efforts require some internal persuasion. There are some needs for skillful persuasion. But culture-wide, our efforts to persuade others to think and do what we think and do is fundamentally narcissistic. Even if we are not individually narcissist.
Thank you so much for this DR Les, You're absolutely beautiful and understanding, I have no resentment towards them, I'm still my shining bright self, full of love and goodness, I'll stay calm and composed, I have control over my inner world, My self respect and dignity comes first, Peace, love and respect to you , Gus and everyone, Thank you universe, All glory to the most high God 🌹📚💗😃✌💙💛❤💚🌈🌌😘🦁⚖🍄😇🦄👽🕊🕆🐎☘💜
Humans emulate each other...good and bad. One of the most difficult things to realize is when your exposure, exasperations, frustrations and exhaustion causes you to display negative traits like that of the N. I consider anyone who can recognize this in themselves and work to change it not to be a full blown N.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom and videos. I appreciate you very much. ❤
Thank you for this video Dr Carter , it is crazy isn’t!
Instead of wanting the best for me he seems hell bent on looking for any opportunity to criticise me or sow doubt into my mind … it’s just pure insanity that he seems like at this point if he could destroy me from the inside out to just satisfy himself he’s going to do it if he could!
He ( my father ) is 90 and I’m 60 and I’m coming up to 1 year since I’ve blocked him on my phone after years of pleading to stop constantly calling daily trying to fill me with his negativity and racism.
I call him about once every 3 weeks but he can’t let a call go by without trying to inject some negativity or doubt .. it’s completely crazy why you’d spend a life time trying to destroy your own son from the inside out but that’s where we are .. it must be eating him from the inside out being such a superior person and his ( Torn Duce ) son has him permanently blocked on his phone .
If anyone doesn’t know what a ( torn Duce ) is a Duce is a 2 the lowest card in the pack and if torn it’s easily identified once you’ve been playing with the deck of cards after a while .
Thanks Dr Les! You know ,a dreadful consequence of no longer engaging with my narcissistic ex is the alienation l have experienced and continue to experience where my children are concerned. As time goes by l see them less and less .Communication, only ever instigated by me, feels strained and superficial and they are extremely defensive. There's so much that goes unspoken it's hard to bear. I see the prospect for a return to the open, loving and beautiful relationship we had slipping away with each passing day.
I'm convinced that were my ex to know this she would consider it a victory.
I cannot go back to these methods of control, all of which l recognise and have experienced, but the ultimte loss of my children is a devastating price to pay.
I love this video. There's been times I've been lost and other times found. It's the dynamics in which it is hard. Shifting shame and blame in dysfunctional family dynamics has been a pattern within the families I was born into and created through marriage. At 63 I have so much wisdom and I so appreciate you and your videos. If I live another life I pray that I can come into a new matrix in which I can be all that I could have been and that God had wanted me to become. Today I have a lot of healing thanks to you as one variable on that road once again. You bring sanity at a time in which our world feels like ppl are losing their minds.
Happy Birthday Gus. This could have been expanded into several parts. Playing upon your virtues - there lies another form of control.
Thank you Dr. C😊
Halo - chat ended before I could reply - I know if YT deletes the account after a verified report/complaint, they all go away. But so does the account.
Strange day for sure.
I kinda feel I revealed too much in chat today. About who I greet and all.
… and I have, on occasion, questioned my continued appearance here. This group doesn’t depend on me. Honestly, I think I get more than I give.
@@aaronkwolfe You give a lot, you have to do what's right for you. This definitely isn't the norm.
I think it would be nice to find a way to get in touch with others survivors. I haven't found a way that I feel isn't compromising.
I appreciate your support!
@@myhalowithin Not good
Great topic. Thank You
Great video.
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Dr. C, I wish I had a $1.00 for every jerkball conversation I had with the nex. Honestly, I'd be rich. I'm guilty of the third thing. I have lots of resentment towards the nex.
Keep learning. You can get beyond that resentment. I'm including a link for a video about managing spiteful feelings. Please know I'm pulling for you. ua-cam.com/video/VGE0P8nSguo/v-deo.html
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you Dr. C!
Resentment is a natural thing. It is okay to visit, but not to make residence there. There is much more to life in freedom.
You're bound to. It's early days. 🫂🌸
For years I dealt with by narcissists in all the ways I thought would help me. Like I did all seven things I wasn't supposed to. Then I did the advice that you are saying and now everything is so much more peaceful. I wish I knew about this stuff in high school. Also narcissist are terrible people all narcissists are bullies and I really don't know the difference between narcissist and sociopath. They seem to be the same thing.
Hi Dr. Carter, Otto Kernberg sais that narcissism is a defense mecanism against BDP, i eard also similar connexions by Prof Sam Vaknin. When Sam Vaknin talks about the narcissist person BPD is always close around. What is the link between BDP and narcissism? Are they related in some form? Let be free of manipulation and roller coaster émotions.Thanks again and have a good day hopefully as nice as here today in Montreal. Clear blue sky no wind. Hope everybody finds is freedom.