Want To Gain An Upper Hand With A Narcissist? Try These Lines
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- Опубліковано 17 гру 2023
- Narcissists clearly believe they are smarter and more enlightened than you, which means they are often be impossible to reason with. Dr. Les Carter describes how you can gain an edge by the way you respond to their "superior" remarks. He gives specific illustrations of one-line comments that will keep you from joining them in their dysfunction.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder. Since creating his UA-cam channel, his videos have received more than 100 million views.
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Honestly, the most effective way is to "ok" them. They rage and provoke, you say "ok" and they go absolutely bonkers about it. Set boundaries, answer briefly, don't feed them with emotional reactions or information.
Don't try to keep the upper hand, it would mean you participate in the game. Just leave them be and don't justify yourself.
What you say here parallels what I say in the video.
@@SurvivingNarcissism👍💯❤️
A very mildly interested sounding, terse "Hm" accomplishes the same.
@@ramonaearnest4709 Oh yes! They feed on the drama!
My husband is the master at using “Ok.” He’s brilliant at it! He’s trying to train me, who likes to argue or pursue the point, to just shrug and say, “Ok.” As he puts it, “You can be right and never tell anyone else about.” That’s how he deals with his parents, who are often very unreasonable. There’s no need to convince others that you are right, especially when they aren’t open to new ideas. Just be right and be content with it.
My psychologist told me, “you don’t have to stay for the whole party.” This tactic had never occurred to me. I now attend gatherings, have dinner, exchange gifts and then graciously leave before the conversations become unbearably inebriated and insulting.
Lol ♥️
@@SpiritLove111 holy crap just suspend your politeness. They are rude just walk away and get in your car for God's sake. And then never go back. I separated from someone but when I moved back home and someone who was toxic may have followed me and got in line at the grocery store right behind me. I did not know until I turned while in line. I just let my eyes keep moving, looked right through her, and paid for my crap and left. I saw her in my peripheral. She thought she had me and didn't realize I did not have to acknowledge she exists.
That makes sense. It's like the narcissist isn't satisfied unless they've created drama or conflict. Rob them of the payoff that they're looking for by walking away & leaving. It's perfect.
🟧🟧🟧🟧🟧🟧🟧🟧🟧🟧🟧🟧
One time I was trying to back out of dealing with an obnoxious narcissist and ended up saying,
YOUR UNNECESSARY DRAMA IS VERY BORING. THEN I LET OUT A BIG LONG SLOW YAWN.
The person said, "That Yawn Looks Real." AND I SAID, "IT IS." And they said that calling them boring is the worst thing I could ever say because they ALWAYS have to be the life of the party, and burst into tears. That was the end of the conversation. And I turned around and walked away.
🟧🟧🟧🟧🟧🟧🟧🟧🟧🟧🟧🟧
That's exactly right - I love what your therapist said - you don't have to stay for the whole party! Do your thing and leave when things get uncomfortable. Love it. I'm in a group now where I can see people already pulling back from this one particular person - they go to the ceremony and then don't go to the celebration afterwards because they want to contribute but don't want to endure the bs after that.
Never let anyone draw you into their storm. You draw them into your peace.
I’m not letting them anywhere near my peace LOL
They’re not just absurdly argumentative, they argue about absurd things.
If You say The Grass is Wet be Careful when Walking there… Right After it’s Rained and They will take it as An Offense To Say It’s Sunny How Can it Be wet…. Only to walk across the Wet Grass in Wet Socks and Still Say it’s Not Wet…
Nothing, better to do! 😅☘️😊
I think some of these type of people want you as a " friend" or something you don't want. They push, pry, stalk, start trouble because they have no real friends to relate to on an emotional level.
It is their own childish fault.
Nobody said you have to be friends or even friendly to people like this but they think they are entitled to you ( and everything you have) .
It's madness. Crazy as a mad hatter behavior.
You are amazing, Mr. Danish. Your expertise is phenomenally accurate and sound. Thanks for your generosity to us as we learn❤
They're a big waste of precious time & energy.
Absurd brats of nothingness. I'm truly over his maniacal behavior. He's a freakin idiot😂
You are about the only one online who understands that many people are not in the position to "leave and go no contact". Your channel is so vital for those who must survive these situations on daily bases. Thank you for EFFECTIVE guidance that brings fragments of peace into my life.
I'm in that position. I'm trying to find a balance now, and Dr. Carter has been so helpful in helping me understand narcissism. Now I need to learn to retrain myself to deal with the situation in a productive, healthy manner. It's going to be hard, but I'm determined to take my life back!
When my narc contemptuously dismisses me, I smile and walk away. Or if it's done in a text, I send them a smiley face with hearts and tell them 2 have a nice day. They absolutely hate that. A couple of times I sent them the heart emoji and told them I love you. They proceeded to go into a rage and let me know they didn't appreciate my attitude. I can't understand why. I was only being nice, but I felt good because I didn't respond the way she expected and because I didn't take what she said personally. I was able to express feelings of love. Not my fault she couldn't accept what I said. She was really upset, but I felt good!😁😂🤣
True. It's insensitive ND naive to think every one can just leave. Sometimes, it's life or death, especially if the narc is a gangster and knows your parents and children and cops.
Wish it was different.
@62 years old having narcissistic parents. One deceased. One now 86.
I am taking care of Mother, while being disabled myself. Can't be no contact. Just began
having an understanding of how& why of it all, 2 yrs. Now.
I also find Jerry Wise immensely helpful. He covers some great ideas.
1. Help me understand what makes you ask that question ".
2. You cartainly have your opinion, you and I think very differently.
3. "I (honestly) have nothing (more) to add to the conversation".
4. Since you and I can't seem to agree to the basics, the conversation can end here
5." Being right seems to be very important to you."
6. "My sense of self respect demands that I excuse myself from this conversation "
7. My sense of self is my top priority right now
8. " If you push me into a corner, that leaves me no other optio
n but to say no".
Thank you for the compilation.
Apple's "Think Different" is a great slogan, it is empowering!
I "gain an upper hand with narcissists" by not having them in my life. I can't change them and I don't want to be abused by them so I'm gone.
big facts
Who are they to judge and dictate anyone else's behavior? They have no authority!
I evicted my narc dad from taking up space in my head. He's not worth the trouble, I am not in contact, nor do I want to, with him. I win!!
Remember that every room has a door.
Definitely
I’m No Longer Going to Be The Lion in the Room about to Pounce when The Going Gets Ruff…
Or window if need be
They try to block those too
I wish I could tell my dad off, he is such a jerk, while the door hits his sorry ass on the way out. I am no-contact with him; that works!
Another interesting thingbis that they seems to have a big memory for all bad things you might have done
"I thought I raised you better than this."
"You didn't. Which is why I had to raise myself."
Ooh, good one.
Thank you, Dr. C. Youda man!@@SurvivingNarcissism
My mother would pull one like this. She would sigh heavily and say “I guess I failed” (in raising you). I would laugh and say “Yep, I guess you did.” That would usually end the conversation.
Love this
My mom and her parents raised me much better than you could ever have raised me!
❤ whoa! My favorite line is: (I'm glad that) "your opinion of me doesn't dictate my reality"
Dorothy, this is such a brillant line. I wrote this sentence on paper. If you don't mind I will add this to my list I made here in one of my comments. Thank you 🙏💛🙏
"My opinion of your is none of your business"
"Think what you like. I don't agree. "
Words to live by! Love this!
Thanks so much for this ammunition PG when facing my ex at our upcoming son's wedding
I was caught off guard when someone asked me if the person I interviewed for a job was black. All I could think to say was, "I don't know, I didn't ask.'
Great response!
Funny and I dare say got a blank stare😅
That was a priceless comeback! 😂 Brilliant!
Well let's nit forget that sometimes theres a quota to fill with a minority to meet the govts requirements so it might pay to be black or a minority. . It's called " affirmative action " 😊
Thanks for that. Best laugh I've had for a while.😂
Calm, always stay calm. Don't make their day. Never agree just to calm the storm. State how you feel. Then move on or say nothing else. Calm.
Silence is the best line you if you can’t think of one.
Yep. In this video I talk about staying calm and keeping it brief. Hope you had a good Sunday, Fred. I'm just getting mine started!
@@SurvivingNarcissismthank you Doc I hope you have good one too! 🙏
Some people you have to learn aren't worth responding to. Because they are not trying to communicate with you as a way to resolve the issue. They just want to be angry and argue.
@@ladennayoung2939 My Covert yesterday...... It was endless 😶🌫️🤐
I've done that for a long time, however I've noticed the problem with that is if you don't answer for yourself, They think whatever they said is the agreement, and it can give them the wrong idea about you. They think you are in agreement unless you speak up. So now I speak up if I do not agree- if it's important. If not, I just walk away.
I loved when you said to tell the narcissist....." I know being right is very important to you"! 😂😂😂😂😂👍💯❤️ I will be using this statement with the KNOW IT ALL'S in my life! It will save me from the exhaustion that comes from talking to people who don't want genuine solutions and from people who ask me what I think about something but when I give them my honest opinion they want to argue about it! 🥴😂😂😂 THANK YOU for sharing your wisdom! You are appreciated! 👍💯❤️
And they will likeley come back with something like, "You're darn right that being right is important to me. That's the first thing you got right all day.".
@@surferdude4487 , where is the laugh button?
Well I am sure, my sister would get mad, and if I said " I know being right is important to you" but she'd love it if I said "you're always right, how do you manage to you know everything?! 😅😂
@@r1leyb0y1
🤣
@@surferdude4487 Yep, the narc I know would say "Well, I AM right. Who else would be right, you?" 😂
I don't want to gain anything with or against a narcissist anymore it's just a waste of time and energy. I only want to run away from a narcissist. No talking, no connection. Thanks Dr Carter ❤❤
Exactly.
Not always an option. My problem isn't in any relationship, other than neighbors. This entire family can't stand that I stopped them when trying to steal the other neighbors' stuff when i caught them and now they cant, when on a nightly they'd go and check everyones doors and if u happened to forget to lock ur car, they went through it. Since they can't do that anymore, they keep harrassing me, threatening me, they've tried smear campaigns to the other neighbors, etc. I can't move, so sometimes you have no choice.
@@RobSlopezJr This is a really difficult situation:(
Absolutely a total waste of time and energy. I can't run but I can grey rock.
I am trying not to get baited anymore, but its a bit hard. I find myself ignoring them, but i also find myself getting so mean. I hate that about myself. Yes, i can ignore them and not get triggered into giving into my anger, yet i still find i cant help but act like i am talking to my anmals, knowing they are listening and i cant stop talking ish. I get really mean too. Why cant i stop that? It's not like it even makes me feel good, because i feel bad afterwards.
Is it me or is it horrifying that so many of us have been on the receiving end of these narcissistic conversations? We're operating on a truthful/honest level and here they come - with their bs, gaslighting, game playing, blustery way. I've been down this rabbit hole for three years and I'm STILL astonished by these people who have a need to have the upper hand and put us down.
It's truly exhausting,,,,
It seems so unnatural…
I have lived it 30yrs. I stay sick to my stomach.
@@janeadamsstrickland9486SAME- over 40 yrs.
Has taken me ~ 4 years to begin to be able to move on... 🙏
They seem mentally unhinged, all the time. It is a mental illness.
My narc husband finally agreed to see a therapist, and then said how much he taught the therapist, and how grateful the therapist was to learn from him. Unbelievable. That’s when I truly understood how impossible this situation is for me.
Yup - that's the "cognitive creativity" of psychopaths and narcissists - expert at twisting things to their favor - even if, initially, their situation wasn't in their favor, they can turn things in their favor, for themselves 😮
I have learned tbis the hard way...
LOL
A very wise person taught me this: don't go up to level one with a narcissist. That means to abide at level 0 in conversation, attitude and emotions. Where it's cordial, polite and respectful and fair. Reason is because these people have no restraints and can go from level 0 to level 89999 in a minute and their words and attitudes become spiritual sewage for their counterpart.
I won't stoop to the narcissist's level!
My dear brother was murdered by his own gun. A person took it from him and killed him with it. Note that we were both CPTSD, with very cruel childhoods with narcissist parents. After his death, his wife invited herself to tea at my house. Once there she proceeded to explain to me how very ignorant, stupid, fouled up and lost I was. This was, in my opinion and with words I now know (thanks, Dr. C!) pure projection. Under a microscopic veneer of "Christianity."
I did not have these tools. I defaulted to a version of gray rock. And have not contacted her since. I pity her kids, but I don't volunteer to be her victim too.
These tools 20 years ago would have changed my life for the better.
I'm sorry you lost your brother, especially in that manner.
What was her beef with you? Was she blaming you for your brother's death? Boy, she had some nerve.
At a guess, I expect my brother, like me, married a flaming narcissist. After all, we considered that to be normal. Yes. Very strange person. At least I got out of it alive, if badly damaged. I miss him, he was the only person in that family who was a good person.
@@Hatbox948I suspect he found himself a narcissist. Sadly, we often end up with what is familiar in a spouse, even if we detested the circumstances in which we grew up. And man oh man, the narcissist LOVES Christianity as a costume for their narcissism.
Walking away from these people is easier
Wish it was an option
You know how they love to instruct you how to do very simple things…in detail…every time? Like using the washing machine & dryer. She will tell me what setting to use, the temperature, how much detergent, how to clean the lint trap…like a 10 minute lecture how how to do things the “right” way. I used to get mad that she was treating my like I’m stupid.
Now I just tune her out, and when the words stop I say “Wait…which one is the dryer again?” 😅
That made me chuckle.
LOL. I think it's the one that has the water. 😂
@@melb2734 I’m pretty sure you’re right! 💧🙃🤭
My husband tells me I can't use the dryer at night. It could be 7pm in the evening. If he's ready to go to bed, it's too late.
It's frustrating when your the only who " sees" the narciss.. you give me understanding after all this time.
They will always act either the victim , villain or martyr. It's the same script over and over. Where the wheel stops nobody knows❤️🙏
Yes the same thing over over over again! The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome!! They are insane!!!
A surprisingly effective reply I’ve found when a bullying narc makes entitled demands… “No, that’s something we need to discuss and negotiate first.”
There really is "no negotiation" platform with a Narcissist; they are allegedly (always right)!
@@CFF903 So true but with a flat no they always rage. By being open to negotiation it makes it difficult to publicly smear you. It also makes a statement that you expect to be treated as an equal, and are not their minion.
I like it!!!
I like it too. I believe the best defense is having well put words on hand. I find its hard to know to say when you are triggered by a madman. My last response was, "because I care about, I try and talk to you and I speak normally. Talking to me like this does no good., in fact it does the opposite. I did nothing to be treated like this. So if you are going to be like that, I am not going to listen and I am going to go." I did scream a bit but he was intolerable. Anyways, I actually got an apology later, wow!
@@integrityintruthGood for you!!
My most effective, was the grey rock “Huh” or “Oh” in response to her wild claims and accusations. It was definitely not agreement, but it was acknowledgment of her communication. She could not claim I was giving her the silent treatment. But she also knew that there was no way I was agreeing with her.
Aaron..... what ?😊
@@Greenawareness188 It was my equivalent of saying “Thank you for your response.” That would’ve triggered her. So I responded in an almost non-verbal way that could not be interpreted as agreement or confession to anything she was saying.
@@Greenawareness188 Maybe I need to do another TH video, this time of “Almost Non-verbals” to demonstrate.
@@aaronkwolfe thanks !
@aaronkwolfe , okay .Any thing you say .
A now ex-friend was loudly complaining that I hadn’t sought his advice and help when my partner and I were having a new house built for us, he was so pushy and disrespectful that my instinctive response which stopped him instantly was “Rome was built without your help!”, maybe not so diplomatic but it worked.
I'm a woman who met and had a year long relationship with a male narcissist. What hell that was. Never again. I can spot a narc a mile away and I will never engage again. Run like the wind!!! Thank you for all you do to inform others regarding narcissism. Father God and UA-cam is how I figured out who/what I was dealing with. I thought I was going crazy for a moment. There were so many red flags I thought I was at the circus. Educate yourselves people and guard your heart!!!
Congrats on figuring it out in only a year and not decades!!!! 🎉
@melb2734 I know, right!!! I must be so cognitively deficient, as this all took me decades. (To be fair though, I did not have steady contact with that psychopath- I only did so when she decided that she was going to go after her father's [ My husband's, at that time]) Estate. )
You literally had me lol’ing at these PERFECT responses.
“That’s certainly your perspective.” 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Glad it resonated!!
My dad was not a narcissist, but displayed a lot of the insecurities that narcs tend to have. Many times growing up, I had to endure dad's explosions of fury and bluster which, looking back, had nothing to do with me. He was a hurting man who never dealt with his own insecurities. I learned very quickly that in order to disarm the situation, I needed to *not* be quick to come to my own defense, *say very little, if anything* during his rage events, and then walk away. Somehow, I knew his rages didn't have anything to do with me personally, but that they had to do with him not liking himself. As his firstborn son, I mirrored many of the attributes he hated about himself, and I understood that. ANYWAY, my experience pertains to this video because throughout the years, I have encountered a number of narcs, and as such I have been very successful in dealing with them. There is nothing more powerful than silence when these people are trying to gain power over you by putting you down. Maintain an objective stance by separating *their* problem from yourself. For me, I've found I very much enjoy (however sardonically, I admit) gaining the upper hand and watching them squirm and get even more hostile. Nevertheless, every single time, THEY are the ones who run for the exit to get away from me, and I very much enjoy watching them run.
So mu ch of the beginning of this resonates with my first and middle child, trying to avoid being yelled at. My youngest seems to be following in narcs footsteps and I am at a loss of how to steer them out of that behavior.
Tell them, "I don't think I'm going to take that bait", and move on.
I'm new to narcissist abuse and have just started researching what the heck this woman is doing to me, and why! She's a co-worker. I have been taking care of my daughter for 2 years since she spent 6 months in the hospital paralyzed from a shooting by a stalker. 5 months ago, my daughter hired another woman to help. From Day one, the covert attacks and gaslighting began against me! She was like a wolf marking her territory! These things are done to me daily! My daughter is severely codependent who "survived" a 20 year marriage to a narcissist addict. (He wasn't the stalker). This woman lied about me to all my family, my adult daughters, adult grandchildren, and managed to turn them all against me. I found myself unable to defend myself because I had lost their support, and this woman made my daughter believe I keep forgetting things. She moves things, then brings them back within a couple weeks, and points to me like I just didn't see it! I am alone and I was confused because I knew the facts, but couldn't understand what was happening.
This was one of a few channels I started watching and I finally understood! But I'm still learning. This woman is manipulating my daughter and taking advantage of her. My daughter will get very a large settlement, and I KNOW this "victim" woman has her future all mapped out..with HER as a "recipient" caregiver!
Sorry this was so long. For me, it was just my story that no one has listened to or tried to understand. I know now there are many of you in the same boat! I believe there's a light at the end of this tunnel! ❤️🕊
My narc dad thinks he is the only one who matters. He is invalidating, controlling and critical; demeaning. I've had more than enough from this jerk!
It only gets worse with age. Mine called me only to blame, shame and accuse me of stealing. I had to walk away. Take care of you.
My narc dad cut me out of his life when my mom died. It was the best thing that ever could have happened to me. So much peace now.
@@MT-tx7bu Yes!
@@hayleymcweeney7775 Best gift he ever gave to you! I'm sorry for the loss of your mom!
@@MT-tx7bu Thanks, I will. No contact with him for 113 days now. I am less stressed!
“Statement questions” is a perfect way ro describe the phenomenon. My mother in law frequently asks questions that clearly have a judgement, decision and agenda baked in. She has no actual question, she’s already got it all figured out.
Yea I never realized how often my Mom does this until this video but she does this all the time. Asks a "question" with no purpose other than to make an underhanded insult without any real accountability for her words since its written off as a question from a place of naiveity.
I like "I know how important it is to you to be right". I might use that on my mother. She questioned my sanity for asking her to hear me out. I mean literally questioned my mental health. Told me I was insane, detached from reality, to get help. She was apparently worried about me. Why, because I asked her to stop casually labelling me sensitive. And believe it or it is her who is no contact with me. I read about people in similar situations who went nc with their mums,.but mine dumped me. I will not try again from now on.
I figured out after 43 years my mother and older brother are both narcs. Long story short I spent 2 years gathering information from a hacked email account staying silent. When I was done with it I presented 2+ years of lies, slander, abuse, control ect. Man did that piss them off! They instantly both went silent and literally ran away. They have been silent towards me for 3+ years now. So same situation as you.
Mom sounds like a troubled soul who uses lots of projection.
@@SurvivingNarcissismunfortunately it’s a lot worse than that, she is definitely a narcissistic psychopath but is a wonderful saved “Christian” who is very involved in a narcissistic church. 😞 and has done things to try to kill me and destroy me. I was lucky and had a father who showed me unconditional love somehow behind her back under her control. I know technically she is not because she hasn’t ever been diagnosed but she is the definition of pure evil. I am very blessed to be alive, healthy and doing everything I can to heal from this! I am a recovered heroine addict and have been through a novel of stuff. Healing from being raised by a narcissist has/is the hardest thing I have ever done and it’s going to take the rest of my life to keep working through it. With that said I am proud of who I am, the husband and father I am and I am doing exceptionally well considering all things!
@@SurvivingNarcissismand with that said your mission, your knowledge and your kind words are definitely helping me navigate this crazy world we live in. So thank you for what you do, the time you put in. I am one that can say your helping me heal, be strong, gain knowledge and press forward. Thank you!
Has anyone put up with a "friendly" (condescending actually) narc who casually talks your head off about a situation that is none of their business, and later, goes behind your back to carry out a task with an approval you never gave or agreed to?
Just talking to these people is ridiculously deceitful. They will twist and try to unsurp anything for their own gain.
You are right. It is best not to even engage or talk with them even in polite small talk.
Use the phrase, " I gotta go now."
😅
Thanks for this video. It is valuable insight.
Don't let your good nature be exploited by these kind of deceitful people.
"Sure, whatever you say."
We're tracking along the same wavelength.
@@SurvivingNarcissism "Lately I just judge the distance, Not the words I hear." *Till It Shines* (Bob Seger & the Silver Bullet Band)
I know I'll be adopting these strategies into my communication style.
_The work you're doing here is deeply appreciated._
So pleased!!
No matter how calm and low of emotions I stood my ground, he either accused me of 'exploding in a giant outbreak' or 'being suddenly icecold like a stranger'. 😂
Isn’t it Amazing how when We do Speak we are told to Be Quiet… Then When We Are Quiet… They Think of Any and All Scenarios as To Why? I’m either being 🤫 Hush… I’m Speaking Do Not Interrupt Me… But they Interrupt whenever You Speak… When You do Speak 🗣️ they take whatever Your Talking about and Make it Sound Better with Their Version of A Story they have Absolutely No Clue about. But they Add anything and Everything to Slide it in their favor and take Complete Control of All the Conversations this birthday party I’m going to this summer I’m not looking forward to, but I’m going to, but one of the narcissist is doing a slideshow of pictures of the family when we were growing up and I guarantee you anybody and everybody else in the family is gonna be able to speak but when I go to try and speak, I’m gonna be told to be quiet 🤫 quiet 🤫 so you know I’ve told my older sister about this that I already have that idea in my head that she’s going to do that, and my older sister said we shall see. I Feel that Negative Energy All Ready and This will take place middle of June. I’m doing All I can to Be Positive and Not Let those 2 narcissists Control the Entire Weekend.
Stay calm, never engage in a battle with them and find the nearest exit if necessary bc these people rarely change
My narcissist was aggressive at a holiday gathering. I was able to give short responses. I was able to manage myself. Growth for sure.
I have a friend who is a cool cucumber when it comes to dealing with annoying personalities. One of her favorite go to lines is: "And your point IS?" Not much ruffles her! 😂
Sounds like my kind of person!!
That’s my goal. Not to react.
This doesn't work with a spouse. You share a space they will rage, lie ,provoke and manipulate until you get out of character.
My narcissist brother has been giving me the silent treatment for over 2 years, because I did Gray Rock with him and now he thinks I'm "the rudest person alive."
I really wasn't trying to be rude; I just couldn't find any other way to communicate with them. I thought they'd LIKE statements like "I understand you have that opinion and I'm ok with it."
I was, in fact, surprised that they all got so angry & frustrated when I wouldn't lose my emotional mind for them.
The narcissist that was in my life thinks it's okay to hit people, make mean jokes about their vulnerabilities, talk behind people's backs. To their face she presents herself as very friendly and caring. She sees nothing wrong with this behavior. It took me time to see she did not want to do anything different, even if I felt hurt by it. So I accepted this person for who she is and moved on. I don't argue with her, I just keep my distance. We are not compatible in our values. By the way I love this video Dr C., very helpful. Don't go there with them, to that place where you don't want to get.
My self-respect requires me to excuse myself, so I do and move on. Being myself is my top priority. Let’s take the high road , and all of the other phrases are equally applicable. Thank you 🙏 for this powerful message dr Carter❤ God bless you❤
During the latest diatribe I grey rocked all of her nasty comments. It ended when I said, "Fortunately for me, my self worth is not a function of what you think of me."
when they steal from your wallet then say this when you call them out for it. yeah... not sure how that's benefitting anyone.
Always take the higher road 😊 there’s less traffic & the people there are a whole lot nicer than narcs ❤
Also, when you reach a mountain top, the view is wonderful.
i can definitely confirm that giving a firm, unemotional NO to a request which the narcissist can fully do themselves makes them desperately run through their repertoire in rapid succession to force a Yes. my sister bounced from attempting to guilt, then flatter, then justify why she can't do this herself, start to tear up, you name it. yep. all in a coffee shop with other people around us. i thought it was going to be just a hangout because she suggested we meet, but it turned out to be yet another of her surprise agenda meetups. they all start by making you think she's there for company and to check in, but it always turns to "by the way" or "while i'm here" and "I need a favor." and before the day was out, she had run to our brother, who then called me to ask why i couldn't do this one little thing for her.
A classic line I learned from a co-worker while living in TN some years back: "Nope, not today!" Pure and simple. I sometimes like to add: Not a chance! Lol 🙃
A good one 😂, Michelle 💪
I will add your line to my list of lines.
Thank you 🙏💛🙏
@@roxymovie3938 Lol ♥️
Very, very nice..... Haha 😀... It has an absolute finality to it!!.. Literally no comeback whatsoever... I really like this one.. Will try to use it 👍
One time my husband and I were arguing and I simply said, just because your louder doesn’t make you right. He stopped and kind of laughed and it was over, no apologies. but he did use that line at me the next fight as if it was his original . I just disengaged.
No offense, but that guy's a dumbass.
Bahaha! My ex used to do the same thing. Not an original bone in their body.
Once you’ve been abused by such an individual, you recognize them from a millions miles away.
My skin crawl and survival mechanisms start… I know what I’m facing and I have to leave.
🎯! Same here. Once you've been removed from the toxicity and have been healed, you recognize it miles away, and you have ZERO tolerance for it.
Having to endure daily abuse from a narcissistic step-father from the age of 6 .....I really feel empathy for kids that will be punished, grounded or physically assaulted if they try to deflect the interrogations, the ridicule and humiliation.
I've been a subscriber for around three years now Dr C, I cannot begin to thank you enough for your wise consul, sound judgment and guidance with BPD and narcissists. My quest to better myself and to enrich the lives of others has been made possible by your videos. Peace be with you always.
You just made my day. Thanks!
@@SurvivingNarcissism BEST channel on the subject! 🏆💕
Videos are concise, clear, complete, relatable, helpful immediately & soothing like a Rivotril, therapeutic, professional but not only theoretical.
Thank you Dr. Carter... The Holiday Season is always SO painful in my toxic family with narcissistic sisters and parents...
(I would give $1 Million just to become your dog on the couch...)
🎄🎁 💕
I couldn't agree more. Thank you so much for all the work you put into your channel "Surviving narcissism", Dr Carter.
It is hard to express how grateful I am for all you did. I finally found my way out of a toxic relationship with a very aggressive narcissist.
Your videos were a light when everything around was dark.
I finally learned my lesson, feel stronger than ever before and know where I stand.
All the best to you, Dr Carter.
Dr. C I absolutely love that you provide clear concise, principled responses to situations narcs set up. Please continue to make content about assertive responses to people who like to gossip about other work colleagues. Being a recovering people pleaser I struggle with knowing what to say and still be able to maintain a respectful work relationship with difficult people, I suspect may be on the NPD spectrum. I thankfully do not work directly with this person anymore (I requested a transfer) but still see this colleague in a limited working capacity. I do not engage in the malicious gossip but still feel complicit by putting myself in the position to listen. I leave these convos not feeling very good about myself. Any suggestions you have is greatly appreciated!
Bless you & the work you do!!!
Recently I calmly & firmly used the statement, "We're going to have to agree to disagree." It worked.
Bingo!
My covert narc "mother" discarded anyone who cared for her and all she has left is her cable television. Her provider changed recently and as she used to turn her head and tune me out anytime I tried to show her how to use her own technology, I committed to letting the cable company deal with her. She is completely thrown by the 'mute button' in the center of the remote and has no idea why her sound is sporadically out. I keep hearing her yelling on the phone to the cable company and she has had several technicians out over the past couple of weeks with no resolution. She tends to playact conversations while not hearing a damn thing so I don't blame the technicians. I started to feel sorry for her after a couple of days and thought I'd give her a hand. I turned toward her, saw the look of hatred on her face and decided to just keep moving...She is down to just an old fashioned radio that only gets about three stations but she hasn't asked for help and I haven't offered; If I help her, she'll only hate me more.
Our situations are very much alike.
May I ask how old she is?
She's old enough that I try to take that into consideration, yet young enough to still continue to manipulate anyone around her.@@rahrahrobbbieee
God, I'm sorry. I laughed only because I can completely relate and have seen that hate filled look thousands of more times in my life than I ever should have. Their stubbornness is truly something to behold. I hope that you have a peaceful holiday season. ❤
That look is so hurtful. 🫂🫂@@cathybutcher4826
As your instincts are telling you to work harder to establish a good relationship with this person, you also have to admit to yourself that they will never change. That is the saddest thing about narcissistic relationships...
I keep trying, but its becoming apparent our relationship is not a priority in his world & I end up feeling worse & worse the more I try.
Oh boys! Oh Damn!
We should know this years ago :
Don't try to paint them , the first time they show you who they are.
Taker not have limit. Giver must have one.
And,
Why buy the cow if you get milk for free.
This cow hit me. Why should we did those, the more we work hard, give, the more we being not appreciated. 🤯🤦🏻♀️
Cut loss.
The Good things is WE CAN change .
Love yourself first. 🥰
You are not alone. ❤️
A light in a dark storm…Thank you!!
I was married to a covert but did not know it for two decades. I could never understand what was going on and I have an IQ
After I left, I was roped into a friendship with someone who was playing the same narc game plan but I recognized it after a couple of years and excused myself from that friendship
Then they sent their flying monkeys and I refused to get dragged into that so they continually moaned to others that I was treating them badly (even tho I was never around them)
These people are exhausting and I’m glad to be away from them
JUST SAY "WHATEVER "
I nearly jumped out of my skin when you quoted, “I thought I raised you better than this.” That is almost word for word what my narcissistic father says to me! Often it’s, “I thought I raised you to be more aggressive/spicy than this.” This is because I simply refuse to debate things with him anymore and it drives him crazy. He’s actually disappointed that my husband and I get along so well with each other and don’t argue! I just shrug and say, “I love you more than I love my own viewpoint on this,” or “I don’t want to argue politics with my loved ones - politicians aren’t going to ruin my relationships.” Oooh, but it takes the wind out of his sails!
He’s just trying to get supply so saying that’s OK is truly your best bet
Well my mother raised me to expect the cold shoulder if I ever challenged her narrative. You would think I'd done something horrendously bad but I just trusted my own interpretation of events.
@@SusanaXpeace2uThat had to have been quite the rough time growing up. I’m so sorry.
The best response to "I thought I raised you better than this," is "Clearly not."
@@julietardos5044Ha!!! I love it!
This video couldn’t be more timely. Thank you. I find it that it makes people more viscous when I refuse to submit to their narcissistic behavior. My stance is to shut my mouth and walk away from their drama.
Sometimes the right words don’t come to you. In that case don’t say anything. Gray rock. Let them keep badgering you and mid sentence walk away. Turn away. You are not required to answer them. Make their statements irrelevant.
I like "There might be something to what you say." Leaving open the glaring omission, "Or there might not," which you can drop if they come back at the first part.
😅
"You could be right."
Good ideas! Thank you. When my husband has made rude comments to me in front of others. I've said in an assertive voice "You are entitled to embarrass yourself if that is what you like to do" then just quickly go back to whatever it was that I was doing. The look on his red face , and the giggles from my adult children are so worth it!
AVOID THEM.
PERIOD.
CASE CLOSED.
I have an older step sister that fits these comments to the T. We barely know each other and one time at our parents house she demanded I give her a detailed list of things I was doing as I walked by. I just said "Nope, ain't doing that." and kept walking. I swear I heard her choking on a response but I was out of range by then. lol
I have a person that I have known for a long time. She is also passive aggressive. I learned to say “ you are probably right”. Absolutely stopped her in her tracks. I use it a lot!
It's so sad how often the need to fight fire with fire creates more narcissists (to combat narcissism). This video is extremely helpful to not become victimized & forced into the ways of your oppressor.
The most impactful action we can use in these situations is to not let ourselves become dis regulated. It’s the ultimate way to love and respect who you are.
That is a great idea, but I don't know how to do that.
It’s taken me a few years to understand what is happening when I’m faced with insults that are weaved within the fabric of someone else’s narrative. I no longer become dis regulated by the words used by the narcissist in relation to me because I know that is what they want. The more agitated and angry I would become, the more calm and centered they become. They were using my energy and replacing it with their negative energy. I calmly breathe through the words and think of them as I do a child who is throwing a tantrum. Even if they appear calm while doing it, it’s a facade. Once you own your own emotions, you own your own power. The more calm and mature you are, the more dis regulated THEY become. It takes practice. Over time you become stronger than you ever were. Stronger than before you met them. This is about you not them. They are a hopeless cause, you bring hope to the world. Build yourself and then help to build those around you 😊
@@jasonpattee5151 I think if you dod not depend on them for anything it is easier to have this point of view, or if you are not as bonded with them. If either of those, then what?
Bend down and pick up something off the carpet and say calmly " excuse me, is this a part of your brain ?"
😂
Another one is " I am not interested in your validation" or " I dont need your validation" if they are questioning what you are doing. This is a way of explaining to them that basically you have no interest in their viewpoint. To you it is irrelevant what they think. They have no importance to you. Shut them down.
I believe it’s okay to express your feeling of hurt to what they do to you, but afterwards, be strong and walk away. We don’t want to be mean like them.
I call it going down a rabbit hole . I just tell him "please stop I'm not going down that rabbit hole with you, it's pointless " then I usually just have to walk away because he won't stop until he feels like he's won.
Great one liners! I had the extreme pleasure of abruptly shutting down my narcissistic sister-in-law by very calmly saying, "I am not going to debate you" ...she glares at me and she didn't know *what* to say, which was very satisfying :)
Here is a good one liner. "I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce" lol
Hope all of Team Healthy is staying safe as we roll into the holidays. ❤❤🙋♂🙋♂
And you ❤️🫂
Thank you 🌼
❤
Peace on Earth .Good Will to you and yours.
🎄🎄🕺💃🎄🎄
Dancing instead
of rolling 😁🤩
Same to you 🫂❤
I tried to make them feel they have an upper hand, but I didn't give them any initiative. For example, I said to a toxic coworker something like "That's a good idea" but I didn't do anything about what he wanted. 😛😜😝 Give them a small supply to gain a big win. 😁😆🤣
This man just might have saved me. I already feel relief. Thank you.
So pleased!
I've used "I'm not willing to do that." Another is "I don't know what to say."
I just went no contact...and it's 8 blissful years ! I don't regret it except I wish it was earlier. At the end, I was as direct as it gets... brief, calm, and turned my back forever ...literally! Whew!
My husband used to make decisions on things and dictate them to me. I got in a habit of tuning it out and would go about my way. He would then say to me when he seen I wasn't following his instruction "I thought we already discussed this, why can't you stay focused." I told him "No, we didn't discuss this. You decided something and I never agreed to it." He would look at me stunned and confused, like a brick hit him. After two times telling him this, he stopped taking it for granite I would just go along with whatever he decided.
I wish I could stay away from the narcisist. It's a lot harder when this person is your daughter.....living in my house...
For me, my stepdaughter, but my husband had her move back with her mother 3 months ago. She lived with us from 16 - 20 yo.
"I'm not in your space". Love it! 💜🐾
I once told my adult NPD daughter, “I’m not quite sure your purpose in beginning this conversation with me, but we can agree to disagree. I have nothing more to say.” Her response, “Of course! You always say you are done in a conversation with me when I am trying to connect with you on your interests. You are so narcissistic. I’m done. We will only have long distance shallow communication from now on!” The cońersation started with her sending me an article I gave my own opinion on. She knew what I would say before she sent it. She was baiting me so SHE could feel justified in ending the communication with me. Exhausting!
Sounds like she was mimicking her mother.
What was your favorite parenting book growing up, and how do you think you missed its message when trying to apply it?
Was she trying to give you some feedback about you? Maybe she is too judgemental of you, but she said she was trying to connect with you. I have tried to give my mum some feedback and she defensively shuts it right down, the victim of my "aggression". She is so committed to not hearing me. She sets the terms and conditions of our relationship and those t&c are that she wil not put herself in my shoes. I have also felt that our dynamic is shallow and I have also thought about sending her a magazine article about reacting less defensively *but she would disagree that she was defensive* so it is definitely exhausting. Are there any parallels?!! Does your daughter have bpd or did you decide that?
Hey, whatever it takes! My mom finally, after years, noticed that her no-contact was wonderful for me! 😃
Every comment here proves my point. By disagreeing with an aspect of a random article, I was making conversation and would have enjoyed the discussion. She heard it as I was attacking her. Which confused me as the article had nothing to do with either of us. Just a neutral subject. So, I believe saying these things suggested in the video to certain personality types does not have the desired effect. Suddenly everyone is calling everyone else the problem. It just doesn’t work.
@margaret3785 neither one of you are likely full npd, you are probably just not emotionally compatible.
Team Healthy to the narcissists: We approve of ourselves. Everything else is none of our business! ❤
I like the one that says, "My sense of self-respect requires me to excuse myself." If it's just you and the narcissist, fine. But if you're at a family gathering, then you have to leave and can't spend quality time with the people you like. Sometimes I think the narcissists are actually trying to drive me away in this manner. I am skipping my dad's birthday party this year because my sister always attacks me, but this is not a big deal to me. Sometimes, though, I don't want to leave the gathering. What to say at that point, when the narcissist becomes really abusive and insulting even in the presence of other people? (I have also noticed that other people never talk back, because they don't want to become a target themselves, so in effect, I become very isolated.)
I’ve got a response learned from Meadow Devor (spell?). At a strategic point after they have devalued you to the point and just when you realize you
May be losing your self control you say this in front of everyone… YOU ARE EMBARASSING YOURSELF”. And walk away.
Don't go into the ditch with a mentally ill person. I ignore or Grey Rock.
Share no personal information (they'll still make stuff up about you, but it's hard to misquote or gossip about silence), don't react to them, don't show emotions (they'll smugly use it to gossip and lie that there's something wrong with you), and don't personalize their behavior (it's a function of their mental disorder).
Unfortunately, my care receiver is a complete narcissist. I am his live-in care giver and I’ve never experienced verbal abuse to the point where three times I have been scared for my life so I’m stuck in a situation right now and you have been so very helpful with helping me! unfortunately I have to deal with this for the moment. Thank you thank you!
I’ve heard this over and over in these videos: Don’t engage. You engage, they’ve got you and all they want is to get you, get to you, get a reaction out of you. So I love this video and all they ways to politely and unemotionally just not engage. The upside is it will drive them nuts. So thank you!
The best way I’ve found to deal with narcissists is to be far, far away with no interaction at all.
Trying to control will burn up your energy and corrupt your spirit.
Exactly!🎯 Very well put 👏👏👏
Absolutely. After a harrowing few months of living with my covert narc mother, I have learned the futility of trying to score points in an argument. Attempting to use logic on them is pointless because they keep moving the goalposts, and if you remind them very reasonably that they told you something, then the gaslighting starts. They deny they ever said it or insist that they meant the opposite. After years of being treated to this yo-yo torture, I have reached the point of Zen indifference. I don’t care anymore what she does, where she goes, what she says and what she thinks of me. There is no earning her love and good opinion so all I can do is calmly demonstrate that I will not be provoked into any sort of emotional response. Since she is accustomed to driving fuel supply from upsetting me and making me cry, she doesn’t quite know how to deal with the “new me”. After years of emotional abuse that I didn’t even realize was happening, I feel absolutely nothing for this person who gave birth to me. I am less interested in her that I have been for any landlady or minimal acquaintance. She’s not getting any more fuel from me.
Since a child I'm by nature a person of peace. Comebacks you suggest are excellent. Unfortunately it doesn't matter what I 'say to' my narcissist husband. If I say nothing, or say something you suggested, he screams and yells anyway. His temper and anger is like a switch flipped permanently into the 'on' position. If I leave the room to escape him he follows me from room to room, even into the outdoors yelling in front of neighbors. He 'yells' most of the time. Even when 'talking' he talks overly loud to the point where I often wear hearing protection because the sound of his voice gives me internal and physical anxiety. Nothing is sacred, if we watch TV or movie he talks over them, if I'm explaining something, or telling a story he talks over me LOUDLY. My dog gets upset as well, she doesn't like the loud discord and want's peace like I do.
Dear Earthy Artist,
what you are describing here sounds so scary and nearly unbelievable but of course, I do believe you for I have also experienced the way that the other person is following you in the rage, which is very dysfunctional and threatens you even more for you are then missing an escape room which is utterly disturbing for yourself.
As a natural person of peace, why are you still staying with a tyrant, who is your husband??? Isn't there any possibility for you to leave your husband? For your own health and even for the health of your dog it would be the best alternative to leave for your husband will never change.
Wishing you all the best 🙏💛🕊🙏
@@roxymovie3938 Thank you so much for your understanding and concern. I fantasize about leaving. Mixed reasons I haven't left. Feeling weak, drained, depressed, with a lack of resources & finances, my religious beliefs, and wanting the relationship to be somehow improved/repaired/fixed.
@Earthy-Artist what I don't understand is why you are still married to him.
@@Earthy-ArtistSo many of us are living this same life, you are not alone. If we could make it on our own we would be on our own already. Narcissist don’t change, they don’t know how too and if they do it’s only for the worse the older they get.
Well, I see that you want to leave, which is a good first step. I do understand your reasons very well. Your core beliefs (a relationship has to be fixed, God has put you as wife and husband etc.), your health (depression, feeling weak etc.) and not having enough finances are a lot all together. Take your steps, one by one.
You are always welcome 🙏💛🙏
Thank you for this extremely helpful video! I will be attending a holiday get-together at my sister-in-law's home this coming weekend, and there will be three narcissists there that I never know how to respond to. I am going to go through this video again and write down your many useful responses. Maybe this year I won't feel so flummoxed! ❤
Get a friend to call you when they difficult . I send an emoji to my friend which means " call me now ". Disrupts the conversation as you leave the room !
Brilliant idea!
Thank you Dr. C for showing me how to think around narcissists. My energy depletes so much because of their toxicity. Self loving thoughts, I learned from you gives me a boost of energy every time I need it :)
You are so welcome
Whenever a Narc wants to bring you down (which is his job all the time), do not go into their space.
》Be brief
》Be calm/firm
》Do not defend yourself!!!
Some lines:
1. Help me understand why you asked this?
2. That's certainly your perspective...
We think differently.
3. I've nothing further to add to our discussion.
4. It's fair that our interpretations don't match.
5. I honestly have nothing to add.
6. I know that being right is very important to you.
7. My self respect requires me to excuse myself.
8. Being myself is my top priority right now.
9. If you must push me into a corner, then it leaves me to no other option than to say no.
Be aware:
》The Narc will never understand you
Dr Carter 👨🦳 and Gus 🐶 thank you for another lesson full of insight 🌞🌟🌝🌈
Thank you for being so kind .
@@Greenawareness188 Thank you so much, Melony 🥰
Thank you for taking notes. 📓✍ Yes. There's nothing to add. It's meaningless to add anything. They will not understand you. 😮
@@yukio_saito You are very welcome, Yukio 🙏💛🙏
The lines are not for them though because they won't understand anyway. These lines are for YOU. That YOU will feel better 😉
me: bookmarking this page so I can write down these statements. I need them on a card in my wallet for when I visit my parents. Both are co-enabling narcissists and there is just nothing but drama with them.
My mother is everything you describe. And when I have contact with her, no matter what I answer. She will continue with her one sided arguments and demeaning. She just won't stop. She gets life force out of being like that. Therefore I am keeping minimum contact. Thank you so much for your content, it is really helpful
Ditto. My covert narc mom has ridiculous opinions on everything, makes stuff up, gossips, manipulatively lies, tries to bait certain responses as a pretext to act up, etc. I just don't give any personal information to her (all info is weaponized against you), don't react, don't show emotions, and don't personalize her behavior.
@@tenningale sounds familiar. I don't give any information because exactly as you describe, it will only be used against me. But she is trying to get as much information as possible. It seems very important to her. In the past I made the mistake to believe the best of her "because she is my mother". But unfortunately it doesn't serve for anything good
@@user-mr3le4hs4e Sorry you have to deal with that. Before I connected the dots on what this type of behavior is, there would be times when I would share personal information and it gets so twisted for their own narrative. The gossiping, gaslighting, manipulation, projection, sweeping assumptions... They thrive on drama, gossip, chaos. Everything is used against you, so I just stopped sharing information.
@@tenningale I've had exactly the same experience. That is why I stopped sharing anything personal. And I keep reminding myself to continue doing so every time I have the slightest contact. Because they are extremely malicious and really have it as a goal to get information. Just like you described: they thrive on drama and chaos- it's like clean oxygen for them. My mother is also happy when she has caused misery/contributes to misery.
I'm also sorry for you having to experience these kind of things
You were very helpful when I was dealing with a narcissist parent when they were alive. Now that they are gone I'm in a healing phase. I've passed your videos onto another family member for them to get support with a narcissistic parent. Thank you for your transparency.
I train myself to not engage. They aren't welcome to be in my space unless they are invited. I have even turned my back on them without even saying one word. People who have meaningful, kind words to say can be welcomed in, but not someone who tries to insult or blame JUST for the sake of doing that.
My mil does that. Starts out nice, but it doesn't take long for the digs to start. No contact for 2 years and I am better off for it
Thank you a thousand times over.
You're very welcome!
My mother’s favorite guilt-line is “if it was in your heart you would do this”. That makes me feel like such a selfish bad person as it really hurts me if I think I have hurt others. When I have tried to respectfully disagree with her she tells me “you are so self-righteous and have such hate in my heart”. To think my own mother would tell me this and the realization that my mother really does not care about me as a person has been very painful. She is a widow now and it is very challenging to see between her real needs and her manipulation. Just a few days before my father died he told me that he knew my mother could be harsh with me but don’t stop loving her. He knew how she was. There was no “I am sorry” just don’t stop loving her. I feel like I am constantly playing a chess match with her, trying to think what her next move will be and how I can respond and not get her mad at me and hear her painful character assassination of me. It is mentally and emotionally exhausting. This video has been helpful and I hope to be able to apply some of the suggestions. Thank you so very much Dr. Carter!
Say "it's not in my heart". They need to learn you're not a marionette
My mother-in-law would use the phrase,” be smart!” to get me to do what she wanted. ( so if I didn’t do it I was stupid?)
I believe what your father said to you before he died was very loving and wise. Just going by what you posted here demonstrated how much he loved you. First your father spoke of the obvious burden both of shared. Your mother has been no picnic in the park for either of you. If you open your heart, little by little, as much as is possible, with love, then you’ll never become like your mother.That’s what I believe he wanted for you. If I’m wrong, I apologize. That was not my intent.
I’m sorry you have so much pain.
Thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words. I truly feel those that have gone through this experience have a choice, we can either become a better person or a bitter person. Maybe we would not be as compassionate and kindhearted today toward others if we had not experienced what it feels like to be treated so cruelly.
“I am on a very different plane” !!!!!!❤❤❤❤. Perfect !!!! Clear and Concise 😊❤😊❤
I have resigned from my job. I had a 8 months torturing experience woth the covert narc boss and her flying monkeys. I did not see it at first, but I realised soon what it is! Knowledge IS POWER!
They tried to force me to join their tricky shit, I did not do it. And I said it, wrote it, too. We had to wrote a feedback formula and the reason for resigning. I wrote that I refuse to adapt the habits of this workplace and I do not tolerate how they treated me. That is why I leave and that is the best solution for me.
By the way: I have a wonderful workplace waiting for me! Even my salary is better! Wothout these bullies, I’d not had applied it! So: actually, I am thankful for them torturing me, it gave me strength to really stand up!