8 Indicators That You Need To End A Narcissistic Relationship
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- Опубліковано 7 чер 2024
- Should you stay or should you go? Ending a relationship is not necessarily a simple and easy decision since there are so many factors involved. Dr. Les Carter highlights eight primary patterns to alert you that the relationship is probably beyond repair.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder. Since creating his UA-cam channel, his videos have received more than 100 million views.
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Not being allowed to be yourself is the worst part 😢
Yes, and in the moments that you are yourself, you feel guilty for it. ☹️
So sad and so true.🕊
@@zinadavis5533 FIFY: In the moments that you are yourself, THEY try to make you feel guilty about it.
You don't even realise that they are doing it at the time but you feel that they are against everything that matters to you
They don't care for anything that is related to you, they're empty people.
I realized that I had descended into silence. I was tired of arguing. I was tired of trying to explain myself. I was tired of trying to make sense.
I wasn’t going to teach her a lesson, I had learned mine.
It's terrible the lessons we've had to learn! 😊👊
So tired. Whatever you say doesn't make sense to them. 😰
@@amandaliverpool3374 What bothered me most, was not that I hated what we’d become, but that I hated WHO I’d become. I could avoid her. But I was stuck with me. All the time.
@@aaronkwolfe I can understand that. We have to escape them to become ourselves or rediscover ourselves!
@@yukio_saito They give you a blank look that makes you check in the mirror that you actually DO have only one head! 😳
The way I felt when they left the state for a funeral was a huge indicator. I relished in the freedom, calm, peace and happiness. For the first time in a long time, a huge fog lifted. I was so productive, the air felt cleaner, my head was clearer. I didn't miss them, I didn't care if they ever came back and I didn't even feel bad about it.
That's the way I felt when I finally broke up with the narc. I kept waiting for the grief and sadness to hit me, but it never did. All I felt was relief and freedom, and I wondered why I hadn't left sooner!
@@christinelamb1167 It's so great to hear that you got out and can finally be your authentic self!
bravo, isn't liberating!
I understand you completely. It feels as if your brain is rewired in a way that you don’t even realize who you are anymore. I tend to be a joyful, happy, and loving individual that appreciates life and people. I became withdrawn, my nervous system was on high alert all the time. I felt like I was literally losing my mind. I just kept praying for God to show me what I needed to do to get me away from this individual.
I Still struggle with the understanding on how an individual seeks out to destroy others that just wanted to care for them. I refused to let this person define my self worth. My self worth comes from God and that is when I realized that it was enough. I discarded this individual and refused to speak with this person ever again. I had to realize this individual I cared about never existed and they will most likely be the empty, angry, individual that becomes more of a “victim” as they grow older. My heart goes out to anyone who has/had any type of relationship with a narcissist. Neither the narcissist or the person they are exploiting wins. However, we just become a bit wiser and stronger. God bless you and thank you for sharing.
I actually got sick every Friday starting about 2 p.m... but only if he was going to be home for the weekend. It didn't take too long for me to figure out that being around him literally made me sick.
I was diagnosed with IBS.
I believe I am married to a narcissist. It often feels like there is a dark cloud of soul sucking energy over me.
Could be depression as well.. it's difficult to say if the person is not in therapy..
lol you more then likely are
tha is how I feel
That's what I called my husband years ago before narcissist was a word. I left after 32 years when I realized I was already alone.
you probably are
You finally understand, and accept, that nothing you say or do changes the fact that you are dealing with a demon incarnate.
Yes, once I finally saw it, I couldn't unsee it! I finally understood it as fact, and it was easy to then walk away and not look back.
It's sounds pretty harsh, but I have to agree with you. The way they treat you is evil. Then when you can't take anymore and leave everything is turned around on you. You are the one that caused all the problems. All thier harsh criticism, jealousy devaluing was just them trying to correct things and make the relationship better.
That's called not listening to their conscience or to God, so then God gives them over to a reprobate mind
Narcissists have zero empathy, so don't expect any, and you won't be disappointed.
Yes, and constant Projection. Accused of what they have done, very unhealthy and depressing not seen as a Decent person. Move on as soon as you can, it only gets Worse.
I feel like as humans we can't truly get rid of our expectation of that tho. We know at our core we are supposed to be valued and respected. I tried to lose my expectations but it only resulted in a emotional blow out.
Depends. There are grades / degrees of narcissism to full-blown NPD.
The worst narcissists in my life have shown a genuine side of compassion for others' suffering, only later to be over-ridden with a brazen disrespect of myself, my boundaries, and being perfectly willing to cast me aside for another better status-affirming person to validate their narrative of greatness.
@@Octoberzveryownlibra - Honestly, managing expectations seems to be a vital part of one's Growth in Life. Not to alleviate all expectations, as some guru-TY channel-pop psych individuals tout. Doesn't trust of another imply a certain level of expectation of how that person will treat you? IMHO, it's an abstract topic worthy of exploring the tension between being unrealistic and imbalanced in an ironically narcissistic manner VS some Common Sense expectations of healthy boundaries/expectations in closer relationships.
Bingo straight to the point. No empathy means no kindness, love or emotional support.
The biggest sign that I needed to end the relationship was when I did end it and my life was much better.
Death by a thousand cuts😢
Staying in any relationship with a narcissist is a life threatening experience. We should not put our lives at risk recklessly.
thats very true
For me it has been.
I Pinky Promised my Therapist I Wouldn't Hurt Myself on Purpose 💞
Yes. Blood pressure is not being helped with these relationships. When I told my BF that my doctor was concerned about my blood pressure he gave me a soap box speech about learning to calm down. When I said, yes though there hasn't really been a reprieve (the last few years involved a house fire, a car accident, mom dies suddenly and mix in the pandemic and all the other little things in there) he got angry and started a fight with me saying.....sorry I am not much of a reprieve for you. He made it about him....he then gave me the silent treatment for two days and when I finally had enough and went over to talk with him saying what is this?! Pointing to my cell phone meaning the initial silent treatment and then finally messaging my pleas with a sarcastic answer side stepping the subject......he told me I was being condescending and that was abuse....very dangerous personalities indeed. I was so shocked. Then I was terrified and second guessing myself that he was right and looked up the definition of condescending and finally calmed down to reassure myself that I wasn't being a bad person by getting angry with him for his behaviour.....some of these people are very high on the narcissism spectrum and it is almost insanity. I am a week out and will have to start to heal. Deep breath. It isn't easy to come down from these relationships. I was starting to become scared for my emotional safety and whatever other accusations he might sling at me. It is sad. I really did love him....the other him.
Absolutely 👍
The best indicator for me to end any relationship is the sign that you are not allowed to be yourself anymore, which shows up by...
》 feeling lots of pressure in your body
》 thinking too much about that person (which is a sign of being bonded!!!)
》 feeling very exhausted, not necessarily during the gathering, but afterwards
With Narcs there are more specific signs, which I recognized:
1. No mutuality
2. Intense feelings of anxiety, shame and guilt
3. The fast speed
4. The constant overstepping of your boundaries
5. The strong need for giving you unsolicited advices, which goes hand in hand with belittleling you and/or the Savior-Mentality
6. The constant seeking for critizism, which goes hand in hand with jalousy and/or revange, smear-campagnes after your back and/or directly triangulating you
7. The anger that comes like a vulcano, often very unpredictably or the passive-aggressivness all the time under the surface, that will creep as tension under your skin
8. The Victimhood-Mentality
How does a healthy relationship look like?
1. Mutuality - one speaks, the other listens
(A Narc only speaks & listens to himself.)
2. You feel relaxed and free to speak.
(A Narc projects his mess onto you, so that you will feel imprisoned.)
3. It grows over time with calmness.
(A Narc has no time and no patience.)
4. Your boundaries will be respected.
(A Narc knows no boundaries at all.)
5. You build a friendship on equality.
(A Narc always gives you the feeling that he is better than you.)
6. You want to build each other up and you are happy for one another.
(A Narc only wants to wear you down while you need to build him up.)
7. Both are reflecting on the inside. (A Narc can only project unconsiously from the inside out while he lives from the outside in.
)
8. Both of you are responsible for your own feelings/actions while you care for each other.
(A Narc wants YOU to be responsible for him while he cares not at all about you.)
》A healthy relationship goes forward.
》A relationship with a Narc goes backwards.
You are so good, Roxy!!
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you, Dr Carter, for your uplifting words on my thoughts and experiences.
So wise. 👩🎓 I will get out of a relationship when I see those signs. It doesn't matter whether they are a narcissist or not. It's not necessary to overgeneralize things.They are unhealthy anyway. 🏃♂💨💨
@@yukio_saito Thank you, Yukio. I think you can learn the most from your enemy and you can heal the best in the presence of a good person. And when Nelson Mandela got out of prison, he said, "As I walked out of the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn't leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I'd still be in prison." We can run away from toxic people (short term) but we can not run away from ourselves (long term).
Thanks , I really appreciate this information .
If you're around someone that's extremely envious of others then run because that person is envious of you. That person will sabotage you because envious people hate those they envy.
You get it. Envy is anger in disguise.
Im not allowed to express the need for genuine affection, love, concern, hugging, kissing, and the "other". If I express any concern about the lack of affection, he says I'm "too needy." I'm sick and disgusted about this psychological game.
Get out. You deserve peace, love, kindness. Start with you. Give yourself peace, love and kindness…by getting out.
Oo dear!
I find myself hugging myself in tears and telling myself I love you, you beautiful, you a kind lovely woman, I look myself in the mirror and kiss myself and pretend to kiss myself on the forehead,
I never get any of this from him, meanwhile he wants to be listened to, feet massaged, I can't be on my phone, he grabs it and throws it 😂😂😂
I left my husband of thirty years, about 25 years ago. For years I felt quilty and worthless. He convinced the kids that I was an aweful Mother , so I lost them too. He is gone now and some of the kids are coming around. I have been watching your videos and just now understand he was a narcissist. I just knew that I would die if I stayed with him. Thank you for helping me know that I was just trying to survive.
It's a lifelong process. I wish you well.
That feeling that you're going to die if you stay: I know it well. That's a sign to leave. Also if you start wishing that they would go on a trip and never come back...
Same here. I lost my son, and it breaks my heart.
@@LeslieAnn-rr2zh Consider this~ Pray. Fervently. It's all you can do. That is heartbreaking.
Love yourself, see who it upsets
Good insight!
Another "sign" might be that when you're not around the person, you're constantly strategizing about how to defend yourself or stop the abuse, while knowing that really, nothing is going to work. You feel hopeless, as if the torture could continue forever, but you obsess about it, as if thinking constantly about it might provide some sort of clue about how to survive.
True
1. You lose sight of who you want to be
2. You live with repititious agitation and frustration
3. Pessimism continues even when they are not around
4. You are in an overall defensive posture
5. You pull back from natural healthy initiatives
6. Inclination to suppress needs and feelings
7. Your self esteem has faltered
8. Gravitating toward self sabotaging behaviors
9. A sense of resolve
》I will live as a free person
》I will listen to who I am and what I say
》I will esteem myself
》Anger will not define me
》I will be self-respecting
》I will be a harmonizer
》I will be an encourager
》》I will become the best version of myself
Dr Carter 👨🦳 and Gus 🐶 thank you for another lesson full of insight 🌞🌟🌝🌈
Thank you! 😊
@@tammyhollis1519 You are very welcome, Tammy 🙏💛🙏
@@roxymovie3938Resolve
THANK-YOU ❤
@@chrissemenko628 You are very welcome, Chris 🙏💛🙏
Sad that people think a divorce would be worse than putting up with this kind of crap off of someone.
I should have known it was an unhealthy marriage when I was in the hospital after my appendectomy and I didn’t want to go home because it felt like I was on vacation
I have felt the same way. Been hospitalized numerous times but did not look forward to going home to an abusive, alcoholic narc. At least the hospital staff were nice to me, and I was fed 3 meals a day in bed 😂.
I divorced 3 years ago. After 17 years with a narcissist. He bought me some really nice things. He was buying me off after gas lighting. He was keeping me away from family . Always want me with him. I loved that , because my first husband didn’t. But, little did I know, that was because he was controlling me .
How did you do it?
😢sounds exactly like my situation! So glad you escaped the evil!
Same. 18 years married and divorced him 2021. Love bombing, future faking, hovering. Just craziness!
Told her I felt INSIGNIFICANT
INVALIDATED
UNLOVED
Here is the final straw. I ruptured my Achilles in an accident. She pretty much went AWOL. I
had mentioned that I
would need to lean on her for a few weeks. She totally acknowledged, and said she’d be there for me. I even mentioned it a second time to make sure that there was not any gaslighting.
I have since blocked her phone and text access to me. I have hired a coach to help me with my issues of codependency and CPTSD. I regret not ending this months ago. I have to own that without beating myself up!
14:24 Dear Dr Lez.. thank you over & over again.. God bless you.
They always do that! When you need them, you can bet, they won't be around. I have learned my lesson. First time leaving me in trouble to survive on my own -> good buy forever.
Sounds familiar. I was having surgery and needed someone 24 hours for the first few days. I asked my husband and he straight up said "no". I am so done. Looking for an attorney!
When I finally divorced I wasn’t even a person anymore. I cried because I didn’t know what to watch on TV or what to cook for dinner. Healing was a long and slow process. God is good.
I began to see that being an empath may not be a gift, but a coping mechanism from childhood. Setting a "frame" around your energy is a good first step. You need to know where your energy ends and another begins. Narcs are attracted to empaths!
I grew up the Scapegoat in a raging, abusive alcoholic family. My mom was voided out to everything but my Golden Child older sister's sport and not upsetting my Dad.
In fact, our entire family revolved around my Dad's drinking and my sister's sport.
My father has passed. I've learned to see that he had emotional problems that he handled with alcohol. I've let go of the anger. I almost feel sorry for him.
My issue is (and has been since the day I was born) with my sister.
My parents called her "The Little General" before I was even born. I am 3 years younger.
In my mind, I see her as a little girl and I am her doll.
She drags me around and shakes me and throws me in the dirt and kicks me across the room, then, picks me up and dusts me off and feeds me and tucks me in to bed. Then, she drags me out of bed, kicks me around some more... she puts on a show for me and expects me to be her audience and cheer for her...after all, we're "best friends."
And so, we "play." Always on her terms, always what she wants. In fact, I have no voice at all.
This goes on until, the doorbell rings. Friends are better than some stupid doll, so off she goes to be with real people and leaves me in a heap in the corner. (Which, sadly, is a relief.)
Then, when she gets bored, she picks me up and coos at how much she "loves me," and reminds me how much she does for me and squeezes me until we are one... then, she kicks me across the room.
A lifetime of this.
I've gone "No Contact" and I'm feeling like the worst person in the world.
I think to myself, "Am I the abuser?" "Am I giving her the 'Silent Treatment'?" "Why can't I just get her to see me as an individual?"
But, our Dad treated me like I deserved to be kicked. In fact, he regularly beat me. He even choked me. And then, he too, told me that he loved me.
So, why shouldn't his Golden Child treat his Scapegoat the same way?
She once told me, "You were the reason Dad drank. If you'd been a better child, then our family wouldn't have been so messed up."
And, I believe her.
Not rationally, of course. But, emotionally, I believe her...
Even though the first rage-fueled beating I remember was at 4 years old. Do 4 year olds cause alcoholism?
I'm writing this because I don't trust anyone enough to tell them my secrets (because, secrets are always weaponized against you in a dysfunctional family.)
And, because my dysfunctional family tiptoes around my Golden Child sister's rages, too. So, they just see her abuse as normal. "Why can't you just get over it/Let it go?"
I've tried therapy, but couldn't let down my guard enough to be honest with her.
So, I comment here.
It's nice to know that I'm not alone. I felt so alone as a kid.
Although, I'd never wish this kind of abuse on anyone.
We should have all grown up in a soft, loving, calm, supportive family. We should have only met people who were gentle with our spirits.
I wish us all healing.
I am glad you are working your way through your feelings about these two highly toxic people, and moving forward to a separate, more self-fulfilling life.
@Cassie-pt7mt, You describe this very clearly. I do believe it's a THING with some older sisters. "The Little General" is a good term for it, and I've been through it also, but it's certainly not cute. My older sister is full of herself, too, but as far as I can tell, it's really only with me. So, of course, other family members don't understand any of it. To them, she seems normal. As sisters become adults it can persist in ways that do damage to relations, and make it near impossible to be around such a sister. You are an individual even if your sister persists in acting like a little general with you. ❤
Sounds like we came from the same family. I went 100% no contact four years ago. Best decision I’ve ever made. My only regret is that I didn’t do it at 18 years of age, but glad at least that at 56 years, I finally did.
No guilt. It’s a slow process, but am becoming who I was meant to be….on my terms.
@Cassie-pt7mt. Wishing you healing too. Sounds like you're on the right path. You're definitely not alone here. Stay strong & sending healing hugs.
I don’t know you but I feel moved by your story. Thank you for sharing it here. I relate to your position as the scapegoat. I’ve been watching Jay Reid videos on the scapegoat… and have been amazed at the feeling of gratitude and belonging I feel in having my experience recognised and validated, even if it was very painful. Am very grateful to Dr Carter too for enlightening us!
I was in a controlling relationship with a narcissist for 40 years until we separated, but we are still in contact as I'm disabled and he does chores for me that I can no longer tackle. I would like to be divorced but it's the fear of being over 70 and having an ongoing disability that keeps me tied to him, but not in a healthy way. He isolated me 100 kilometres away from my family, which is what narcissists do.
Yes! I have experienced everything you have talked about. I had to go no contact. A narcissistic relationship is an endless cycle of abuse.
Yep, it's an endless toxic cycle that can go on for decades until you are discarded. Or until you leave.
I'm in so much pain. I can't take the raging over absolutely nothing anymore. Raging over me accidentally leaving the fridge door for 5 seconds and many other scenarios just like it. 😢
I'm so sorry 😞. I pray that you can find a way out. 🙏 God bless you always 🙏 ❤️ no one deserves that abuse! 😢 Take care of yourself. ❤
@@MarianneCatherine Thank you. I appreciate prayers and now is the best time. I now have to avoid "I Survived" tv show. Hearing people's near death experiences and when they talk about praying or how God is the reason why they survived is now a trigger for rage. Please pray for Jesus Christ to protect me.🙏
@cassiebennet4262 Yes, I will pray for Jesus to protect you! 🙏 I know he hears and answers prayers because I'm living proof. I also know that Dr C's videos and advice work. And that God led me to Dr C. Everything I have learned in the past 6 months has made a great improvement in my situation with my NPD husband. The best advice I can give you is talk to Jesus about everything. And learn from Dr C and Team Healthy they are a God send.
Know exactly how u feel. Take care.
It's exhausting. Go while you can still recognise what peace feels like.
For me, I had to get comfortable being in the uncomfortable. Speaking up for myself and showing up for myself produces feelings in others and it should. They're allowed to feel confused, angry, sad and all the other feelings one has when they realize that the person they've mistreated and used isn't that person anymore for them. Healthy relationships are relationships where we're good to ourselves and extend that goodness to others. Unhealthy relationships are unbalanced and your energy and emotional state is out of whack.
I realize that I need to go; however, I must wait on God to send people my way & open doors for me to help get me to my goal in removing myself from my narcissistic spouse. I have been isolated by the narc for so long, it’s gonna take God to intervene.
I fully understand what you’re saying and feeling. I felt the same way for decades.
Now, personally for me, I feel God has spoken to me for now I realize that it’s me who must take the much needed steps to free myself.
I don’t have a path but God has helped me by my waking up.
@@25N77 everyone must choose the path that is right for them. For me, I didn’t listen to my gut in the weeks leading up to “saying I do”. In looking back, I trust that it was God trying to tell me “do not do this.” God has led me to a place in my life when I have come to realize that when I use my own judgment, I mess things up (See Proverbs 3:5-7). I have already made the decision to go;however, I’m determined to do things God’s way.
@mjharris5999 i believe this is what i'm waiting for as well, waiting for God to lead me out and it's hard to explain this to others who might feel i must step away in my own strength rather than God's perfect timing. I had so so many of those gut feelings that i ignored as well, looking back seeing now it was Him through the Holy Spirit warning me to NOT marry this man. I had no idea at time for over 16 years what i was truly dealing with but always felt something was off with way my husband treated me, perhaps due to trauma bond and my own cognitive dissonance i kept 'trying' and excusing all his emotional neglect and psychological abuse towards me. Everything came to a halt last September when i was 180 treated as if i didnt exist when husband said he's done with me over phone. Over the phone! I wasn't allowed to ask questions, defend myself, nothing, he just ghosted me, treated me like i was invisible, i felt like i was hit and run over and husband just drove off without ounce of remorse, no empathy for my heartache or pain even in the confusion he watched me crying, begging, losing 50 pounds since then because i couldnt eat, and a month in even tempted me with fake love back into bed for a few times then within a week of love bombing discarded me again! I prayed for God to tell me what's going on and my heart broke when God led me finally to these types of videos, explaining my life experiences to a t, then God bringing vivid memories i suppressed of those moments playing out from very early on in relationship that i at time couldn't see. I truly loved this man, he says now he never loved me, he only pretended to be this nice kind guy to 'get me', his exact words. I had no idea. My husband now to me is a stranger wearing my husband's face, he warned me nobody believes you, aka dont bother telling on him because nobody will believe he's abusive because he successfully presents this facade of mr nice guy to outside world to 'get them' as well. God has done a mighty work since then healing me from codependency, cutting the trauma bond and delivering me from strongholds that allowed this man to abuse me to begin with. My husband warns me to stop talking to him, aka hold him accountable or he'll make things difficult for me as in, leave me penniless, homeless, financially ruined. God has kept me silent towards that man but Hes speaking loud and clear behind the scenes to my heart. I told my husband he's not nice, his reply was, well if i wasnt nice i wouldve kicked you out already and that was his way of appearing merciful towards me. My husband is heartless, treats me like i never mattered and i suppose thats true to him. I did NOTHING wrong to warrent this hatred and contempt, my crime only was i tried to love a man who never wanted to be loved. My husband's pride feels he's in control but it's God who's actually in control of everything and it's God showing me His mercy while I'm waiting for my red sea exit...He's strengthening me for that journey knowing what my husband might be planning and i am so sad my husband is narcisstic but so grateful i have Jesus to protect me giving me His peace in this storm! 🙏 but...i have days i still grieve, i still weep over everything i thought i lost, i was dreaming of our future growing old together only to learn my husband, man who promised to never hurt me was always planning my discard. I truly loved him, now he's smearing my name to protect his good guy facade...betrayed doesn't even begin to describe this pain. But God...
Left mine this morning 😢 I’m tired of all the BS and the alcoholic he has become. I’m worn out and ready for a better life. He was very controlling thinking he had to be on the phone with me 24/7. He would call me names and was constantly critical of me. I’m a truck driver and this is extremely unsafe. Not sure what comes next but it’s going to take time after 34 years with this man.
I wish you the best.
Been watching the channel for several months. I have a good understanding of what I’ve experienced. Mostly lies and deceptions and blaming me for his actions.
@@SurvivingNarcissism between you and Dr. Romani I have a clear understanding of who I’m dealing with now. Thank you for all you do.
This is all my life, for the last 35 years. I am fortunately taking steps to get away and heal.
These situations are beyond complex on the best of days, trauma bonding, battered persons syndrome. It's almost down to a science. When a battered person ( physical, emotional etc.) Leaves they are likely to return several times before their final escape and that can take years or in my case decades. There is no logical reasoning for this behavior from people who haven't experienced it, so often people will judge them harshly for going back etc. There are NO easy answers or one size fits all. I do hope for freedom, healing and recovery for everyone here. It's a indescribable hellish existence, especially so when many people believe the Narc is a "great guy". But either way... the brain is changed the body keeps the score and the war like damage and residue it leaves behind can be beyond difficult to recover from. Hopefully there will be many more tools and programs to add to freedom, healing and recovery.
@ta3970 , thanks , I needed to hear that .
You have desribed this situation so well. I have totally been there and I couldn’t have said it better myself. And yes, people do judge which just makes someone feel that much worse and if anything, pushes them back into the toxic relationship.
I feel this. Over the last 6 months I've returned about four times re: breaking NC, accepting the hoover, etc. I just messaged her this morning stating that this isn't good for me and I need to go my own separate way. I'm hoping number 5 will be the final escape.
@@Xenophanes198Good luck and God bless 😊
The fear, or mental or physical health issues are the worst when I am around a narcissist or sociopath. At least I can recognize them now before it is to late.
You can forget getting any thanks from them, even when you do things for them, like cook a meal for them, buy them necessities, or bring them a gift.
I went no contact with my 90yo mother 6 months ago. Prior to that I committed to call her once a week. Every call felt awful. My wife and I would then spend the rest of the week ‘debriefing’ what my mother had said to me. We could literally spend hours every day discussing my mother’s toxic behaviour towards me and anyone else who didn’t fulfil her needs. If you find yourself debriefing after every call then perhaps that is a red flag.
If it makes you feel better, I had a similar experience with my father who died last May at 94. I'd try to see him 3-4 times a week, but sometimes I just had to take a break. We even had frank discussions where he would admit being difficult, then the next time it was the same old same old. Sometimes it was really ugly. I'm deeply committed to using my experiences as motivation for the better alternatives. Join me!
So true. After every family gathering, I spend weeks trying to recover from my sister's attacks on me. sometimes I have an accident after these gatherings. Last spring I broke my big toe after she was particularly mean to me.
THIS! And my spouse and adult children kept wondering why I put up with the demeaning behavior for years.
Biggest indicator is to carry the love pain by yourself!
I ended my relationship with my 50 year old son. Not easy but I got professional help. No regrets. He destroyed me. I can breath again now.
My words do not come Outright at times
Spot on Dr. C. After being an emotional punching bag for 16 years, and being 69 yrs. old, being told, I am not attractive, who would want me… I’m done! Just couldn’t take any more abuse! Not to mention the intense rage and hatred that was bubbling just below the surface.
I am in a family with narcissits,left them and ended up in a church with a pastors narcissitic wife.
Now,after 30 years,I finally married a narcisstic wife and my life is all in broken pieces.
God have mercy and please help me
How long are you going to carry on being life's victim?
@@pescatoralpursuit1726 well,I am not lifes victim,but sometimes its good to share things.
Specially when all family members are not empathetic at all.
What is it to you?
I dont need to be blamed by you,not helping.
Uf you cannit be supportive,just go ahead with your life and leave me alone,thank you very much.
Mmmm, it is hard to break the pattern. Sounds like you need some support, possibly in the form of a good counsellor. The change needs to come from within yourself. You need to have self love and respect to set healthy boundaries....I too am late to learn to value myself better. It is a process. Things that help me are finding things that bring me joy, raise my vibration...little things...baby steps...5 minutes here, 10 minutes there. Know you count too. Remind yourself that you count too. Make a promise to yourself to only let people in your life who show up for you in a way you deserve. Be willing to walk away early at the signs. Don't engage narcissistic people. Grey rock...I finally get why that works and how important that is because you can never get through to someone with narcissistic personality styles. It is hard to accept at times but radical acceptance....anyway...these are the things I am working on. I wish you the best of luck.
@@averagejane09 thank you very much
I thought after being away for almost 8 years some of my family members actually want to see me again.That was my mistake,they only need a scapegoat.I learned the lesson now.
Dont want to go back where I was emotionally.I can look forward.Jesus is with me.Thats all I need and I have some caring people around also.
@@martinc6987 Okay Billy Joel. I hope you realize at some point the sympathy you want from strangers on the Internet is not worth it.
"... maybe I AM the problem..." This is where I was, but I was so confused, and the self-abandonment was such a slippery slope, that I didn't even realize what a bad place I was in. I was compulsively confessing out loud to everyone around me, even random strangers, that I was the problem. Finally I confessed "I am the problem", to three different friends of the narc, who one-by-one, set me straight. They were also wounded, (which is why they were friends of the narc), but not as wounded as I was. They knew the narc was the problem, not me, and finally broke the spell I was under. Ironically it was because they were friends of the narc, (not really my friends), that gave them credibility. I realized that if the narc's own friends thinks she's the real problem, then I must be reading this all wrong. It was such a huge shock to me, and it was the beginning of getting me back to reality, back to the truth of myself.
Being told how to think, act, react to situations…why do they think they need to write a script for anyone? I’m not an actor and I’m not being scripted.
The true kindness that this therapeut expresses and his focus on positive aims based on self-respect and growth more than hatred towards the narcissist - that is constructive !
Pleased!!
You betcha!
>Psychosis By Proxy.....?
Here's Wishing Gus Like Peace & Authentic Respect 💞
As always, Les, nail on head. I didn’t realize how drained in mind, body and soul you are until you are free. 9 months after finally leaving I’m still recharging. But every day is better and the sun a little brighter.
You’ve been a constant companion and voice of reason through this. Can’t thank you enough for all you do, Doc!!!!
Yeah, isn't that something. You don't realize how bad you feel until it is over and you feel the difference.....it is a boiling the frog type of thing.....the heat turns up slowly over time until you are so overdone but you don't notice for so long.
@@averagejane09 so very true! Boiling frog and or death by a 1000 cuts. You don’t see it happening in real time. But ok I’m determined to make 2024 my year and be back stronger than ever. 👍😇
Please explain HOW. We know we have to, but HOW?
We aren't able to just walk out.
You are right.. it's NOT a simple task. I believe we need a safe, caring, nuturing, healing environment that allows us the ability to fully recover. But that's like a dream for most. Until then... here we are.
Thank You so much Dr Carter ❤ I wish U could have been my Dad. I love ya ❤
2 and 9. I was constantly feeling worn down and irritated. And I knew I had to set boundaries that would either make the "friendship" better, or make her take a hike. She chose to take a hike. I'm still really disgusted and angry at her behavior, but glad she is out of my life.
Ended it too. The relationship hit every indicator. When it ended I literally wasn't myself anymore. 19 months later I am having to do a lot of healing to undo the damage of dating such a covert narcissist
I just ended 10 years of this madness.... on a rollercoaster from hell..I feel relieve, but at the same time keep asking myself what is wrong with me that someone who says they love you treat you with such cruelty. I question everything I do and say. This bottomless feeling of not being good enough. It's all mind bending
I can relate to the self sabotaging behaviour. Sometimes I get so angry and just say what I think, and then they drop me, or threaten to drop me.
An everpresent sense of *déjà vu ~ and not in a good way.*
Thanks for your guidance. My chickens and I cuddle on my bed , with coffee, and listen to your words most mornings. I often listen to you on the way to work. It’s not the best situation for me but I need to find ways to balance myself and get through it. You’re podcasts are a big help.
Chickens? On your bed! Oh my goodness!
I am glad to have reassurance that you can pull back and collect yourself before the situation gets awful.
A great word to describe the narcissist is scornful. I looked it up in the dictionary and boy does it describe them to a T. Psalm 1:1, 'Blessed is the man... who sitteth not in the seat of the scornful.' Perfect description too.. sitting in the seat (e.g. seat of judgement of the empath), high and mighty and arrogant. It says you are blessed if you stay away from them!!
I realized I am carrying with me my defensive posture, even after physically leaving the house 🏡 😢wow. Didn’t noticed this about myself until now. Thank you 🙏 Dr. C. ❤
Dr. C, This is video popped up with amazingly perfect timing. I’ve had Covid for four weeks and a bunch of other major stuff. That’s happening right now. Including that I’m the sole caretaker of my mother who has neurological decline. I’m not a victim. I hate that mentality. I’m desperately trying to find a way to put 1 foot in front of the other. I’m generally a very tenacious person who seeks answers. It’s hard to, except there are no good answers for narcissist behavior. Like standing on a bunch of quicksand when I need terra firma I know this. The most frustrating thing is after all of the information I have sifted through and learned still find it difficult to completely walk away, without being satisfied, without being able to express my anger to the NPD person. there’s a saying that goes, “learn to accept the apology you’ll never receive.” with these people. There is no normal closure. And that’s what’s so downright frustrating. Nevertheless, I’ll have to find a way to move on. I’ve been through a lot of major things in my life but this has affected my mental health like nothing else.
Things need to stop. I need to take things at my own pace, even if it’s just one day at a time, one hour at a time, slowly, put 1 foot in front of the other easier said than done, but what’s the alternative. Stay in toxicity? I don’t deserve this. Nobody does. Thank you. You’re a gem of a man and human being.🙏
@merin797, You already know that it's not really about that other person - consider the source of your feeling of being on quicksand. I think you already have terra firma within yourself. You don't even have to say anything to the other person because they'll notice the shift in your attitude towards them, and with any luck, they'll drop off on their own. Don't give THEM any closure, you know? Spend time with your mother who needs you. I know all about being a caretaker. It can be very tiring, but if you have a good relationship with your mother, it can also be very rewarding. 💪 🙏🏼 ❤ Sending you hugs and hopes that you'll be feeling better soon.
@@notagain779Thank you so much for words of encouragement. I’m currently in a very very dark place. Thank you for reaching out with support.;-)
@@merin797, There's a lot of mutual support on Dr. C's channel. He's helped me a lot when I've been in a dark place. As well as other commenters.
I’m 80 years old and don’t know anyway to get out of 60 year marriage financially. I really need to. My sanity is at stake.
I pray for you🌷🙏
I am praying for you too 🙏 God bless 🙏 ❤️
At 80 years' old you would be eligible for old aged pension, wouldn't you? You could move into a home. They take a percentage of whatever your income is. You would be safe and taken care of.
I am a senior also and been in this mess 37 years problem is I have lyme disease I feel for you a counseler helpe me with getting senior services please call agncies on aging in your state I hope you get out of it and praying for you god bless you whatever time we have left better to be alone and free
Same after 44 miserable years of marriage to a narc. If only had realized what I was actually dealing with during my income earning years. Why the heck did I keep trying to have a normal healthy marriage? I feel like an idiot. 🤦♀️
You're a GOOD man.
Cheers.
Christi
Thank you.
I stopped voicing my opinion because it gets dismissed as if im a fool, and when i don't respond just so im not belittled and my thoughts dismissed he gets mad and calls me passive aggressive, but when i speak back he dismisses me and corrects my grammar. I started asking people if i make sense because he always tells me i dont make sense.
Theres no winning 😂😂😂
This message resonates, Dr Carter. Thank you for reaffirming the strength of personal choice.
The holidays are often difficult for those in recovery.
Shout out to Team Healthy ♡.
I'm months away from being out of jail, I meant this marriage. I do not need to be in this any longer. I gave 9, no 15 years, for poor treatment. Everyone thinks he is the best person outside our doors. It is frustrating knowing who he truly is. Please take care of yourselves and stay strong. Do not go back because it gets worse. To all who are on the way out the door, blessings and peace to you. We will be free and true to ourselves once again.
I hope you can find your way to peace.
I’ve only recently been able to diagnose that my partner of 15 years is a full blown narcissist. I have spent so many years believing that it really was all me, I never knew what gaslighting was even though I have experienced that for years. I’m now trying to grey rock him and it’s getting even worse. If I answer it’s in the wrong ‘tone’ of voice. If I don’t answer I’m being my usual difficult self. I’ve even succumbed to alcoholism- which thankfully I’m now recovering from ODAAT. So now I’m trying to survive until I can get away but I find myself being a nasty, unkind person which I really don’t like. These videos are giving me hope but I’m a long way from being “ok”. Thanks for this channel & all the practical help ❤
I married one and after 9 months had him removed from my house by my siblings insistence. I am battling C. I don't need to be battling with a husband ever night as well. Glory to God.
Yes, this sounds very familiar. I recently put social and emotional distance between my mother and I. I just feel so exhausted because she's so discouraging.
Thank you Dr. Carter and Gus !!! Remembering those people is draining.
Thank you Gus ..this was a great program you put together for Dr. C.
I can tell it was a lot of work Gus because you look exhausted. Thank you so much DR. C. We sure do love you and appreciate your videos. God bless you and your family and your grandkids.
From JANESVILLE, WISCONSIN USA
These Crazy 8's.... Doc's 8 reasons....really just 1, only 1 of these reasons is confirmation, affirmation, and resolution to END INVOLVEMENT with your soul stealing narcissist. You deserve better. You deserve yourself back. Get it!
We seem to not see these indicators as our true selves, our intuition, screaming out loud, in front of our faces, our hearts, telling us, directing us ..".GO...run... Danger here!" Choose another direction! Go in the right way towards fulfilling our purpose, our true essence. Wake up and listen to these indicators. Any one of them is telling you to take care of you. You're worth true love, from God, from yourself, from anywhere but with a narcissist. Sadly, they only know how to love themselves and no one else.
Thumbs up! You deserve true love. Get it. From yourself, from God, from nature. It's in there, in you. Always has been. Listen to the truth of your empathetic essence. You are not on this earth for the use and abuse of insecure, entitled, sadly pathetic, and adolescent behaving narcissists. Doc's 8 indicators are hard to see when you are blinded by that false persona. Love bombing is so short lived. Intense, but such a lie and so brief on the scheme of things. Unconditional, Baby!!!! That's the real deal. Settle for nothing less. Thanks for the facts, Dr. Carter!
I am not defined by anger. it is just delightful to live each day without some kind of blame or condescension, or disharmony. Being an encourager and surrounding myself with people who also strive to be encouraging is the best way of giving myself a soothing night's sleep. Thanks Dr Carter. I find a nugget in every video.
They suck the life right out of you..if you give them half a chance
Had to end quite a few connections after decades of the same type of relationships. Once I started learning about narcissism I saw and realized what I had been living through for decades. With Dr C and my counselor I walked away from very unhealthy one sided relationships and have been growing and much healthier physically.
8 indicators that you need to end a narcissistic relationship
1-you wind up losing sight of who you want to be as a good person
2-you find yourself consistently agitated and frustrated with the narcissist
3-you have a general pessimistic outlook of everything because of the narcissist
4-you always have to be in defensive posture
5-you end up pulling back on your activities that you were previously enjoyed
6-you have a general inclination to suppressing your needs and concerns
7-your self-esteem has plummeted
8-you gravitate to self-sabotaging behaviors
9- you decide that you deserve better and are resolved to follow through (bonus)
Thank you.
@cindynimmo yay! 💙
it's kind hearted words that my ex-neighbor's 8-year old at the time (2015) granddaughter would say to me.
this despite her self-absorbed drug addict mom and grandmother.
i'm turning 50 end of this month, and the babygirl has had the biggest impact on my life.
let's try and root for babygirl (and any other abused children) to stand on our shoulders and achieve success despite being a scapegoat within her dysfunctional family life.
cheers from southern ontario, canada 🍁
Thank you💜🌈
I had the resolve aged 22, but doubted myself as a result of my mother’s narc abuse. I’m now 46 and no contact since last year. How I wish I’d listened to my instincts in my 20s, how different my life could’ve been! Those wasted years! A void in my life!Take this as a lesson if you’re asking yourselves whether to leave or not.
Useful words here.
I got tired of him dragging me around. Moved 4 times in 3 years. He followed me when I went to see my son and refused to let me go see my brothers and sister. I got tired of sitting around wondering where he would drag me next. Being in fight or flight constantly.
As my cousin said, "Be thanlful you can't figure her (the narc) out. If you could sort thru that nightmare, you'd have to be one too!" Only a narc can understand a narc. My whole life, she would say, "You wouldn't understand" to every question I asked. She was RIGHT! I thank God I could not understand! I got away from her, and my life has been wonderful! You can not change the narcissist, but you can stop subjecting yourself to abuse. Thank you, Dr. C! You have helped me so much!!! ❤
Dr. Carter, I save the videos of yours that hit a particular vein in my being that help me. This one jabbed a huge vein and I’m saving this one.
Thank you. And Gus.
When my husband has been abusive for more than 20 years (physically and emotionally) and I ask him for divorce, he guilt trips me saying I want to ruin the family, that things are fine, or completely ignores what I tell him and acts like I have told him nothing. It almost feels like I am involved with the mafia and I cannot get out of this.
So lucky to know you Les. So privileged to be here learning from you, being encouraged by you and taking those steps into the better life that you speak of here. I’m resolved and I’m doing it today and everything, moving forward.
I have PTSD. I feel once I dealt with that (9 years therapy) and with age comes wisdom and strength. I now find I’m listening to myself and trusting my instincts. I feel free. I still have these people in my life (family) but I set my own rules whether they like it or not. It gets easier as you stay true to yourself.
Final straw was name calling at a family gathering. Had enough. Sad. Feels like im ripping my whole family apart, by pulling away from "the person." I feel guilt saying the "N" word.
I realized I was afraid to just be me in the small ways. I felt like I was walking on eggshells. He was upset if I got up too early on a weekend. Just waking up made me second guess. I was afraid to speak up when something was bothering me in case he went off. After an "event" with him, I was depressed for a week, couldn't focus, felt shame and my work suffered.....along with my health. Then my nervous system was off the charts due to the accusations on my character. I am on the first week of slowly moving away from this person. Thankfully we never lived together.
This hit on every point.
I recognise all of this
Every single thing. Its sad
Les' office looks so comfortable 😂
I ❤ this. Exactly the validation I needed to end a 30 year old friendship! Thank you for the life changing info you share with us! I liked the summary at the end the best.
Self respect IS a right.
This is all me right at this very moment! Hes about to bring all his family over in a min too. He knows i don't feel good. But its because of him . I stay in a bad mood all the time. And thats not me! Thank you Dr. C! We have 2 children together now too and one is 6 months old. The other is 11. Makes it harder to leave.
Maybe we should add: continuous mini disrespects from random strangers - passing by narcs who can see you're already downtrodden.
Also... constant bouts of adverse luck! I know it sounds strange but... it's true! They even sap your good fortune!
Had to end the friendship due to all of those things…. My life just lit up for the better after they were gone.. what a relief. They contribute nothing but a headache.
Your videos are always such a help to me. I'm at the point of thinking I need to leave the beloved job of caring for my paraplegic daughter because the other caregiver is constantly backstabbing me with lies and daily, she hides things, moves things around. Everything I buy for my daughter gets hidden, even her medical supplies that I order, and the water bottles my daughter uses. If I buy it, those items are hidden or destroyed. She just tells my daughter it's MY problem I can't find things!
I'll have to leave because this woman has so manipulated my codependent daughter, that she doesn't know what to believe. So it's up to me.
:(
Oh wow, this sounds like a tough situation.
I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. I hope God richly blesses you and your family.
@@Cod12Osc
Thank you so much.
God is indeed my strength.. 📖🥀🕊
@Hatbox948
It's very hard. But after I told my daughter I would have to leave because I won't allow myself to be abused anymore, she apparently saw the seriousness of it, and she knows I didn't want to leave. Now she's watching things, she believes me and can see them for herself. I'm taking pictures of every bit of damage and moving around of my things and the decorations I put up in my daughter's home. It's insane. But my daughter is now seeing. 🙏
@@cookiemama4 Thank goodness. I'll be praying for you.
Ya, when they Target you, it's over
I just love listening to you. So good and so helpful. Thank you so much.
You are so welcome
.
The worst feelings!
So wonderful that you include Gus in all your videos. I noticed his ears wiggling when you were speaking.
Bless you and thank you, Dr C. Hugs to Gus xx
You are so welcome, and Gus says thanks!
Thanks soo very much. Hello to Mr. Gus
Morning Dr Carter. Being free is the key. What I just discovered after this segment, I don't have a temper around him at all. Only when I'm alone. Because...he scares me. How would you like someone to throw things at you. Fun ! Glad for your help and those days are over...
LIKE WATER OFF A DUCKS BACK😊
Thank you! This is very accurate!
Glad it was helpful!
Thank you, Dr. Carter
You're welcome.
B I met her at a 12- step meeting, it was platonic, I watched her fake life unfold on FB, eventually hung out with her, she was using " the 12-step help me stuff" few yrs went by, eventually hung out and realized what I thought all along was true..I eventually ended it as her psychopath traits reared up and her mask slipped,, little comments, lies and negative role assignment .It was a bit difficult for me, yet ended all contact & blocked..she asked why, I flat out looked her in the eyes and low tone voice said, " you know and I know you are a horrid person with high narcissist traits..Im not attracted to you and don't care about you" she said nothing at that was it..wasn't easy it worked..
This is the one, DrC! So many of your videos are ones that I want to share as with people who come to me with similar situations as mine. But there are so many I can’t usually narrow it down to “watch this one first” (even tho I know without a doubt they could begin anywhere on your channel and it would still be helpful.) THIS ONE tho- I think this is the video I wish I had had so many moons ago when I honestly thought we would be together forever because *I* was the problem OR because a particular group of people brainwashed me to believe “for better or worse” somehow encompassed abuse. (Btw he actually tried to guilt me with that one just the other day even tho we are no longer together.) This will be the first video I share with folks now when they come to me to ask about my experience and where they might get help.
I hope you’re staying warm! It’s SO COLD here in the OH Valley right now!!!
Thanks, Kelly...Glad this one struck a chord!! Bottom line, you have so much good ahead of you, it will be exciting. If some choose not to join you, that's ok. Just be glad you are leaning into the person you are meant to be. We've had it pretty chilly here in Waco, but nothing like what you guys are getting!! Stay warm!
I'm exhausted from it.
I’m glad to see this one!