How to spot a narc and avoid them for life should be a mandatory class in high school, along with how to deal with money in order to build wealth. These 2 things would have saved me 45 years of unbelievable pain.
I'm sorry for your pain. That's a long time. Imagine had you the luxury of these videos 46 years ago, a one year head start of when your pain all began. Ignorance of these matters is costly, and we've all paid the high HIGH price by not being in the know. I only say that because I'm right there with ya. It's all so much better going forward now that we have knowledge + understanding which = wisdom.
Today’s world would fall apart if the psychopaths at the top promoted that sort of learning. They’ve got to keep us out of their club or it doesn’t work for them.
Honestly, I don't really buy that. Definitely there are some (more on the covert side). I met more who are absolutely believe they are top of everything in all dimension or who doesn't even care how much they know about the subject: they just want to have their "high". They are pretty much like addicts who will do anything to get it or when they are threatened to lose the position to someone, they will destroy them. The threat doesn't come from insecurity, but entitlement. May be even more simple: I don't care if I deserve it, I don't care if you can out do me: I want it. Period. And they don't even stop to think about entitlement or their insecurity. They see themselves smarter and better by this too, because they see that "the strength of that want, the amount of manipulation to get it, the ruthlessness they are able to use for their goals" is THE thing that makes them better and stronger than others. THAT power is one that rules over others. Who cares what kind of knowledge you have, who cares how much you worked for it, who cares what ability you have. It is all subordinate to the one and only power: the power of their WANTS and to do ANYTHING for it. The thinking doesn't go further than that. They can't even process when they are cutting the very branch they are standing on off from the tree that sustains them.
They really are junkies and their fix is good people. They are not, what I call, good people and their souls are like black holes. They will suck your soul/life energy dry because the holes never get filled. My experience is they’re hopeless cases.
All my life my bro and sis hated to see me do well. Literally saw tears of pain in my sisters eyes. Because my little brothers praised me for bringing home the bacon sausage and pork chops. All night butchering hogs with my uncle. Older bro never said anything positive to me ever. Now I understand and cut them out completely.
Yes! Mine that I'm here trying to figure out isn't usually insulting unless and until I'm exuberant and break out in a song or start dancing being my normal goofy self. It's the only time he just SLAMS me...its like it makes him SO uncomfortable and angry that he has to shut it down as fast as he can. Normally, he's just kind of a dark cloud trying to maintain control of the climate. But as soon as I show any joy he's an instant asshole. I've grown so exhausted and depressed from not being able to be who I am when I'm actually happy.
Yes I agree. I feel like Narcs look for well liked and respected people also but the only reason is so that once they do something well or set up ways to appear positive in your eyes you will then spread compliments about them. I know someone like this. I think they try to appear good to me because I'm respected but just so that I can say nice things about them.
@Jenn Hughes Had never thought of it like this...thankyou..helps me understand why he could never cope with solitude or even the occasional silent periods in daily life....always had to keep his head busy....couldnt switch off or relax..ever.
It’s so true. Constant complaints about being bored, that I’m boring, mixed with energy drinks to bring him up, drugs to slow him down, arguments just for sport.
9. They want to replace all the good things in your life, with their standards. 10. They want to erase everything that you are and replace them with their low opinion of you.
Really good way of putting it. That’s just what they do. And it’s hard when you don’t know what you are dealing with and are isolated, to not take it on board
@@bookbeing It happens gradually. What he didn’t do was as bad as what he did do. I think a normal person who this happens to cannot believe anyone could do these things deliberately so makes allowances for other factors. They cannot believe the ruthlessness and lack of feeling for another human being and their life.
In the bible they are described as u said. Wolves in sheep's clothing. Demonic spirits inhabit their souls. Inward they are evil ravenous wolves. Run for your life🏃♀️🏃♂️🏃♀️🏃♂️🏃♀️🏃♂️🏃♀️🏃♂️
I am in awe of the fact that I survived childhood and a good portion of my adulthood,54, without dying at her hands,her past boyfriend's/husband's hands, or my own hands.i used to think there is no one who has been thru what I have been thru...because no one else has actually survived the same kind of abuse. I thought I should have been dead
1- need companion 2- want a good reputation 3- speak positive of others... wearing rose-tinted glasses 4- willing to argue with the fool 5- easily cajoled from boundaries 6- servant mentality... easily used 7- willing to be too personal (TMI, folks) 8- highly motivated by sense of duty Yep...I was well trained growing up to be fodder for a narc, without being taught about when to say no.
So was I, and man are they all po'd now that my "store" is closed! Major smearing campaign happens when they see they're loosing their grip on their supply.
When I refuse to do something immediately, I get creatively accommodating: “I can do that better after _____”, If you want me to do that the way you want, I need ______” ...what other responses do all you reading this message have?
Looking back on it, my ex basically did an interview on me when we met. He wanted to know everything. I thought wow, he really must be interested in me. He must care. I'll never ignore that prying again, huge red flag.
I have a former friend of mine that will butter up your whole family. Learn everything about you . earn your trust and then control you seen him do it several times. Then the true him comes out. It ends badly every time.
You have my deepest sympathy , I have been there... you feel completely betrayed , questioning if you can ever trust anyone again and if it was your fault all along ... be assured it isn’t, I often wonder if that’s where the saying out of the frying pan into the fire comes from!
Grey Goose and compound it, it seems. They are the kids who used to fry worms with magnifying glasses on the sidewalk... They basically act out their deep inner pain on others to get relief rather than say someone who is a cutter or who turns innerward and has empathy. It’s actually a less pathetic and more empowering way of dealing with abuse, to block your empathy. If they weren’t so dangerously life and soul sucking and crushing, I’d try and help them to heal, but been there done that, have the scars, inside and out.
Very Important indeed ! She/He knows that u have the abilty to forgive like a parent would forgive no matter what. Because sometimes i felt like an Parent for the Person (Cause of the Points like arguing , listening as a Best Friend or Family Member would do..)
This is what I did I forgave even thou the pain, horrific nightmare, and trauma. You will never see the world the same. You are forever changed. Like they took your innocence. Don't get me wrong, I did learn, educated myself healed and moved on, but I hope you know what I mean.
Their constant projection of charm and "kindness" blind you and is hard to believe what is really going on inside their malevolent heads until is too late. Then you look back and realized that they were buttering you up to burn you later.
What a great phrase. I'm going to have that in my thoughts! Oooo next time a narc decudes to get out that butter I'm gonna think about what that's for.
And burn they will! They will constantly try to make you feel like everything you do is wrong and they know the right way because after all, they know EVERYTHING.
This is important. After getting out of a relationship with a narcissist I spent a long time reconciling with myself how I got into that relationship in the first place. What I was attracted to in him. How did I fall for his lies and what about me attracted him? I’m now in a lovely supportive relationship with a man who respects me and my needs... healing is worth it everyone
Crystal Morrison you clicked on this video which means you are willing to face ugly truths and you want to grow. Deciding to grow and change is the hardest and first step - well, maybe relaxing you need to id the hardest step! But you’re already this far. Be proud of where you’ve come from!
Rebekah Newman You know, I’ve found self-reflection like that to actually be empowering. Uncovering what my responsibility was in a relationship makes me feel like I was not just buffeted about by whatever way the wind blew. Powerlessness is the worst feeling in the world. I think what it is is that I can’t change other people, but I can change myself if I choose to, and that gives me power back.
Here is a simplified, reworded eight points: 1. Lonely 2. Decent person 3. Forgiving 4. Naively willing to fight 5. Weak boundaries 6. Self-disclosing 7. Have a Sense of Honor
Don't beat yourself up for being a nice person. Just save it for the right people. When someone shows you who they truly are & believe them the 1sr time and head out the door.
1. You like companionship. - then they think 'you owe me' and use the threat of abandoning you. 2. You want to keep a good public image. - they will hold your negatives against you in a way you are beholden to them. They play off your reputation and your desire for a good reputation. 3. You like to speak well of others. - when they see you give understanding and grace to others they see you as willing to make excuses for them and speak well of them. 4. You're willing to argue with them. - you're willing to argue and since they never tire of arguing they know they can wear you out and they won't quit until you're exhausted. When they put you down they think it elevates them. 5. You can be cajoled against your boundaries. - they're hoping you are not confident enough in your boundaries so that you'll do things their way. 6. You are a servant - they know they can be on the serving end of your good nature. The more you like to be kind and friendly the more they think they can use it to their advantage. 7. You're willing to discuss personal matters. - you'll talk about your emotions and needs, experiences and hurts. They are gathering info to use to exploit you later. 8. You're able to be motivated by duty or obligation. - the narc is going to tell you what your duties and obligations are. They are the addict looking for a fix to get their ego bucket filled. 3 things to watch for 1. Stay grounded in your self respect. Dr C stands for dignity, civility and respect. 2. Trust your gut. When you realize they're trying to make you be someone you're not, then trust your gut and stick with your boundaries. 3. It's not your responsibility to prop them up. - they need to learn to do that on their own within themselves. Learn to say my supply store is closed. I'm not going to fill your ego bucket full of holes. You're going to need to go find a different source for your supply (and they will!).
So well said. I can add nothing. They lay around like king or queen of the world while we do everything. Found out I have power at my transitional living apt to evict him on the spot. He raged, I call police. Handed 2 bags I packed for him to manager and breathed my first free breath in 33 yrs! TY JESUS. 🙏✝️📖😁😎
“You owe me.” Or, “I’m entitled, I’m your mother!” That was my mom. Until the day I’d had enough and put my foot down. Boundaries. Don’t leave home without them.
Linda Baer that’s exactly my mom. Even when I was a little girl my mom used to say to me “I’m entitled! I’m your mother!” As an adult she would passively aggressively say “kids just don’t do for their mothers like they used to” with a heavy sigh and look of disappointment. And then the kicker was when she’d tell me how great all the other children were (“Maryellen’s kids are so good to her) like I was crap. All this in the middle of a family crisis, my dad dying and mom having a stroke and I’m busting at the seams to take care of things. Finally, I told her she had 30 days to find someone else to hand over the responsibilities to. Financial planning. Estate planning. Care planning. Everything. And I would ensure a smooth transition. And if she continued I’d be gone. And then I left. Well she blew a gasket. I stayed away and then told her that the daughter she raised and knew was gone. For good. And that she might not like the new daughter. But i liked her and that was enough. Narcissistic parents suck. But adult healing is the best feeling ever.
LinYouToo You're your mother's ego function. You keep her propped up from the outside. Her ego never developed beyond age two. You have a child on your hands!
They do things for you that you never asked them to do just so they can throw it up in your face later. They really are self-entitled with the "you owe me" act. You owe them nothing. Say that to them and watch their mind explode
Ah trouble is even when we have given back ten fold they refuse to acknowledge we did anything for them. They cannot feel gratitude bc being thankful puts them lower than. They must always be in the superior position being thanked not vice versa. Thus all we do for their lazy entitled butts is seen as stuff they could’ve easily done themselves and so valueless to them. Reality is they cannot do for themselves. They cover that insecurity with braggadocio to devalue our giving back so we perpetually STILL OWE them
I was repeatedly told that I had never done or given him nothing (his bad grammar). My response was "I have given you ME! And I am NOT Nothing!" At which point he would start listing off all the "good" he had done for me over the years.. My statement was Always disregarded!! I Have Given you ME.. I Am NOT.. NOTHING! My words meant Nothing to him.. but hey, according to him, I'm the Crazy One. After 13 yrs of it, maybe so.
@@JSmedic1 Thank you. I most certainly know that I'm not crazy, but definitely not as sane as I used to be.. insanity breeds insanity.. Taking one moment at a time, Working on Healing.. Finding the lost Me.
Wow! I just received a letter from him, from prison, wanting me to explain to him why I hate him so much to cause him so much pain! He also stated in the letter that he is used to being disgaurded by me! That's the word he uses, instead of Disregarded, or Discarded. And he claims there are no stipulations or consequences if I talk to him.. I am his victim of the crime that he committed for the reason he is in prison! He Will NEVER see What he has done, the Harm he has caused Me.
My biggest target traits are: 1. I'm a good listener - they use me as their personal therapist, got worse when I became a nurse 2. I don't like to be the center of attention - they are more than happy to "eat for two"
Anna Bee I’m also a nurse but when I divorced and entered internet dating , I didn’t acknowledge it , just said I worked in healthcare . Too many of these older men thought I would want to nurse them . No way !!!!!
I noticed my ex would do that a lot. I grew tired of it, because I’m not paid to be a therapist. I got to the point where I walk would away and say I was tired etc..
I began to feel something was off about interacting with him. He told me more than once he thought I was weak, I disagreed, I still disagree.. he told me, he needed to think for me, I also disagreed.. I still feel this way now. I had to figure out a way to get rid of him, I wanted to get rid of a couple a years ago. He was a truck driver, so he wasn’t around much..I always felt he would stick his foot on my neck if I married him, I didn’t btw.. so, every time he would come over, I would ask him when he was going to was leave.. he hated that...he eventually leaves altogether.. I was ready to be done with completely by then, so I realized he was cheating on me, I took that as my cue to disappear completely from his life. I had to put a spam filter on my phone, because he called me so much. He found a way around the call blocking but not the spam filter. It costs three bucks a month and well worth it . He even came over to see me, I wouldn’t answer the door. He always thought he was smarter than me, he didn’t expect me to disappear on him without saying a word..😏
I love communication. And my issue is that I want to make everyone feel comfortable enough and at ease enough to talk with me so I overshare. It sucks to think I’ll have to not be myself to avoid attracting these freaks though.
What he said at the beginning sums it up. They are very insecure people. That's why they manipulate you. They have a fear of abandonment and rejection.
@@caobita they don't know their true self because thier true identity was neglected as children. They don't know what real is. They live in a fantasy land.
This rings true from a man who has exhibited narcisstic tendencies and has been exploring previous behaviors AND been with a partner/marriage exhibiting narcissistic manipulations and tendencies ... fascinating stuff.
Yes, number 4 is crucial for them. When you're willing to argue, they know that they will never be ignored. I noticed that any attention, even negative, is better than no attention at all.
Tension same as compliment is their supply. When they make you sad or angry it is their supply. It is like they have a break from their inner torment of emptinesd, bad mood insecurity. They need recharging.
@@lisarochwarg4707 yes totally! I am beginning to think that these people are internal infants that were never given the proper education to mature from naturally self-centered child into a selfless adult.🤔. At least this is how I see my spouse and MIL.🙄
A clue for me that some one is a narcissitic is that they give you excessive flattery and 'love-bomb' you when they barely know you. They seem like the best friend you've ever had etc.....So, show little interest, even disinterest in ridiculous flattery...
I think that that's very true but sometimes I get paranoid because I like to encourage and give people compliments even if I don't know them that well. I think it takes more than that to make a narcissist but it's definitely a good jumping-off point
oh my gosh my ex did this to me.... he immediately acted like we were lovers and best friends, asked me to be his girlfriend the day after i met him.... i feel stupid.
I've seen this with my narcissist. She was speaking very badly about her son's mother in law earlier that day, and then at the baby shower when she saw her.... in front of everyone was "Oh I just love your hair, it looks soooo gooood." Or constantly complimenting random strangers all the time. Its very bizarre and annoying when I realized how phoney it was. It took me years to understand what was happening. Even when I knew something was off.
@@somethinggood9267 All narcissists have a degree of charm, but not everyone who's charming is a narcissist. The fact that truly kind, complimentary, good-hearted, well-mannered people do actually exist in the world is what gives value to the narcissist's ability to mimic that behavior. My ex was really big on complimenting people she had just been destroying behind their back. I don't know if this is common, but she would inevitably compliment them on what she was literally just making fun of them to other people about. That aspect of the exercise made it that much more satisfying for her.
I see a lot of comments where people say “MY narcissist” and I think it’s important to take a moment to realize the power of words, and how saying “my” means an extension of you, or still having power over you. Maybe it’s just an easier way to tell your story on these videos, but I think it’s important to remember to not let it take hold in your psyche on that way
Yes! I do get it on UA-cam. You say, “my narc does that too”. But psychically it kind of makes them yours. It’s easy to say “my ex” but then they are yours forever.
That is a phrase I took notice of that too. Thank you for stating that. Words are powerful. It's dangerous to use words that identify one's self as an "owner" of the narcissist. One needs conscious boundaries even in one's own thoughts.
All of us who have these traits need to get together and live near each other, so we can have a nice neighborhood and keep those narcissists out!! So we can just relax and be ourselves, be supportive to each other in nice ways with good boundaries and pleasantness! Another video of GOLD WISDOM to help us change our lives entirely!
I wish I had known all this year's ago. Sadly, I learnt the hard way. Now I run a mile from ANYONE telling me how great they are because that is how it's consistently started for me. Greatness doesn't need to sell itself and by its very nature wouldn't sell itself.
I so agree. There are people at my church who talk about how little they sin(in different terms) and i find it to be very troubling. I noticed it doesnt seem to bother anyone else...
@@somethinggood9267 Yes it’s a really good point. They are constantly judging themselves. I tell people it’s up to God to judge us not ourselves, but Narcs need to do it. They need their own good opinion of themselves. I always thought that to believe you are without sin is one of the worst things
So almost every quality narcissists look for is a good one! It's almost a compliment to have one try to latch on to you. Not a compliment anybody actually wants, though!
For the most part, but the fifth point about not being clear on your boundaries is not a good quality. Being kind, personable, forgiving, and dutiful are great qualities, but they should be backed up with clarity about your own worth and your own purpose, your goals, and of course your boundaries. Dealing with a Narc made me a much better person because I had to do some serious work to find out where the line was and how to defend it. Now even healthy relationships are easier.
@@carmendevine7244 I'm middle aged & only now beginning learn where my boundaries are. I suspect adhd has been slightly to blame for this. In my attempt to discover this terrain I do sometimes subconsciously &/ or deliberately keep boundaries loose to discover if a person is happy to cross them and by what degree. I am willing to forgive a person who stumbles across because I myself am also prone to do so sometimes but if there is any hint of malevolence or control then I'm ghosting or gray rocking/ no contact.
My late husband was. Everything was always my fault, was always accusing me of something. It was very draining, he passed away last year. I honestly don’t miss the daily tension.
I've seen the argument thing many many times. Narcissists love arguing just for the sake of arguing. It doesn't matter how petty it is, they just want to argue because they enjoy it. They should just join a debate club if they love arguing so much. Also when they argue, they just pull in things that have nothing to do with the discussion and use that to argue their points because in their minds they just want to win the argument even if it doesn't make sense. They are ready to argue at any moment because they perceive anything you say as a potential criticism towards them even when you aren't saying anything about them. Also, even when you try to agree with them, they counter it and try to defend the opposing viewpoint just for the sake of creating an argument. They are highly on edge and you can't really have a genuine conversation with them because you can sense how they get overly defensive at any type of remark even when it's not negative. Their idea of a conversation is just them talking AT you and not to you. They just want you to nod and agree with them while they blather on. They speak fast and without any breaks or pauses in their speech because they don't want to give you an opportunity to interject even for a second.
There is another technique: constant low level pressure against your boundaries, until they collapse from exhaustion. It’s hard to spot but devastating.
This is my two nsrc neighbours. One walks across the road to encourage his dog to urinate on my boundary fence. The other, soaks it with water while bringing his car to it, on the pretence of washing it. Both, nasty old men, with flying monkeys and useful idiots. I had a friend watch my house when I went on holiday and they reported back that while I was away, these guys were totally depressed because their entertainment had gone.Tgey didn't leave their homes for a week!
I've learned that I don't have to hide my good qualities in order to keep myself safe. I give everyone a fair chance to be a good friend, and if they start disrespecting my boundaries, I walk away. I usually give them 3 chances on the good faith that perhaps once or twice was a misunderstanding. 3 times is a pattern. I've figured out that they're not obligated to respect anything and they are free to make the choices they want. I'm the only one who has to respect my boundaries in order to be healthy and happy. If they're not on board, they can take a long walk off a short pier. lol Sadly, it happened again this week. And while I'm extremely disappointed in that person, my self-esteem is constant. My feelings aren't even hurt, I'm just sad they chose to act this way. I wish them nothing but peace in the future. I just won't be in theirs.
Wow such wise words! Yup we’re the ones who have to respect our boundaries…and by the way I only give them one chance now. Too old to put up with that 💩🤣
Here are my top eight cues to attract a narcissist. They sure worked for me :) 1. Allow minor personal criticisms from the narc to slide through to the keeper (think instead: maybe I was in the wrong) 2. Accept the critical attitude from the new narc MIL (think: don't rock the boat, she can't be that judgemental) 3. Don't be too vocal expressing your thoughts, likes and dislikes. (think instead: no-one likes a loud mouth) 4. Acquiesce to physical intimacy very early on (think: he must really like me) 5. Start doing chores for your narc (think: he will value my love and kindness) 6. Spend time organising social events and special holidays (think: he will look back fondly on these memories) 7. Overlook the lack of emotional connection (think: I am emotionally connected enough for both of us) 8. Finally, offer the narc full access to your normal life, with all of its love and laughter and happiness. (think: he will love me in return) Thank you Dr C for your insight and for caring so much about others.
Sometimes even the narc will do some of these because they think they can use them as leverage to get others to do what they want. The one I'm dealing with sees everything including an acts of generosity as a transaction.
Mahalo from Honolulu. Enjoying Day 7 no contact. Turns out I am Head of Household & have the right to evict him on the spot. Threw him out & enjoying peace in my home.
@@SurvivingNarcissism Dr. Carter you were 'accidentally' viewed thru my pain Thanksgiving 2019. That holiday the 'A ha!' moment happened. Felt the confusion lift some in response to prayer. Next I see a channel with a woman - Petra and then you. You resonated with me and 'babysat' me thru my awakening. Binged thru Christmas. No contact 10 days now with Fragile, Covert Narc of 33 yrs. & I am 65 yrs today! Thank you, Jesus & Dr. C. 🛐✝️📖
@@clusterbfreekarynsmith2190 I'm so happy that you can finally have peace and start to heal again. I will keep you in my prayers. It isn't easy at all, and I hope you have all the support you deserve.
How to spot a narc: casually talk good / praise someone else so that they hear it and watch for their reactions. Bet they turn stif like stone and won’t say a thing. Can’t even look you straight in the eye, but instead look from the corner of their eye, like little demon trying to hide themselves from the spotlight. They hide because they are rageing fom jealousy inside! Especially if they see you as possible partner.
Yes this is very true..very good point. If they are still in the stage of getting to know you, they will do their best to hide the fact that hearing you complement someone other than them sends them into an internal frenzy! If they have already gotten close to you, they will attack you for it.
Oof i wish i knew that earlier. He would go into another room when i was giving attention and making out with my friend's date. They were in open relationship. I ended up with the 75 yr old when i was 26. Now we are 30 and 78 yrs old. It's a lot of work. I basically broke up with him saying he isn't going to trust or do the things he said he would
I always called my husband an emotional vampire because he liked to feed on negative emotions. He was always saying or doing things to push my buttons, until I caught on to him.
My dad literally was bragging about how he is an energy vampire... like it's a good thing. He said he could see people getting tired after being around him for too long or something along those lines. Maybe its because he goes on hour long monologs and doesn't let anyone get a word in edge wise? 🤷♀️ All I know is my body physically tenses up around him and I feel scared of him.
Oh... I had one who would buy the same clothes as me... and then post the photos with the same clothes at the places where I have been with the same dress or jacket... It took me time to realize that she wants to take my place in the order of life.
This is very true. I did a feminist trauma counselling program at community college after my undergraduate degree. My ex (a doctoral level therapist) started using those trauma informed and feminist principles to create a sense of empathy and compassion for seducing women online. He could act like he had empathy and was understanding of their life experiences. Horrible.
Yes, my narcissist loves to tell me, “That’s why no one likes you!” or “My family hates you!” and if I spoke well of someone, they’d tell me I care too much about other people. It was crazy making. YES to ALL OF THESE!!
My ex narcissist goal is to turn all our children against me. He knows I was a good mother, but his need to be worshipped is bigger. It’s so heartbreaking.
Mine said I complete him. I disagreed because I never felt he completed me. It’s definitely an addiction statement! He was heavily into drinking & other addictions.
1 you're looking for a companion 2 worried about how others see you 3 wear blinders - rose colored glasses 4 willing to wrestle (and lose) with pigs 5 don't stand up to boundary crossing (weak) 6 you serve others 7 give away personal info about your weaknesses 8 feel obligated to be selfless / loyal Narc kryptonite -have self-respect -trust your boundaries - its not your job to prop up anyone or bend over backwards -if you keep yourself in the picture, don't make it all "free" they will move on
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries! Make that your number one rule! Thanks Dr. Carter! You make and hold firm your boundaries and watch those narcissists drop off like leeches cut off from blood supply!
Yes, it's a good answer: "Everybody has the right to have their own opinions, I respect it." And I usually add this: "I'm wishing you all the best, first and foremost a happy life!" I say these when I feel that they want me to take the bait and to become defensive or to collapse, etc. They can't say anything, I can see that they are very surprised and disappointed. There's no other weapon in my hand.
That works for a while but how long can you live in an environment of lies or boundary violations? If they are a low level narc that phrase may put an end to it but a toxic narc will accelerate to dangerous levels until you HAVE to react or your physical, financial, emotional life will be destroyed. If you find yourself needing to use this phrase, better plan an exit strategy.
I'm still searching for a good sentence to tell them, something that can repel them in case they don't state opinions, just do something harmful, violate boundaries, etc. Any ideas?
I was a fuel pump to a narcissist for 35 years. This info is too late for me but not for others. Listen very carefully and translate what Dr Carter says into your own life so that it makes full sense.. 🦋 Not only is my life a mess but the narcissist and our children, it affects everyone.
"We can do this all day long!" Ummm, no we can't!!" This is exactly right Dr. C. Life with a narcissist is akin to being under the rule of a cruel and wicked dictator! Great video!
@@SurvivingNarcissism It'd be great if you would make a video about narcissists and how they deal with illness. When my Nmom is sick or injured, she gets even meaner, pushes me away, acts macho, doesn't want help, even APOLOGIZES for being ill! It's so baffling! As a former caseworker for the Red Cross, I've learned you can't help people who don't want to be helped, so I (reluctantly) give her a wide berth.
Especially liked the end of this video. After 40 years of exhausting work trying to keep a marriage together, I mentally and physically collapsed. As I slowly recovered, I knew I could no longer play the odd, degrading game we were in that made no sense. I disengaged and focused on my long neglected self-care. Unknownst to me, he immediately went hunting for my replacement. He "needed womanly attention" he stated. As soon as he secured her, he announced his affair, packed his stuff and moved in with her - leaving me to clean up the mess. He married her just as soon as he could after our divorce was final. It is head spinning how cold and abrupt the narc discard is! I only wish now that I had not wasted 40 years trying so hard to compromise and build a marriage that was only an illusion.
Oh-my-goodness. The more I learn about narcissists, the more stupid I feel. Your videos are always eye-opening. This one has my eyes popping out of my sockets! This is my daily life. The supply store is closed!!!
Cathy, please don't feel stupid! Expecting people to be normal (not narcs) is reasonable, because most people ARE normal. Not knowing the signs to look for doesn't make you stupid, it just means you have room to learn. We all have room to learn, if not about one thing, then about another. There is no shame in not knowing, but there is pride in learning. Be proud you are learning how to take care of yourself, be proud that you are growing stronger every day.
Spent 37 years with one, to hold out for the children. He spoiled the children, so tough to leave on their behalf. Now, the divorce has lagged on 3 years, bc a narcissist does not want to lose, or lose money. Trapped again. He is like glue. The patience this requires needs grace!!!!
2:28 they watch for, that you like companionship 3:00 *'scorecard'* you owe me 3:40 know you want to keep a good public image 5:00 you like to speak well of others, therefore "i want you to make excuses for me" 6:18 you are willing to argue with them 7:24 you can be cajoled away from your boundaries 8:30 you like to serve and to be helpful 9:20 you are willing to discuss personal matters, talk about your emotions, you disclose your hurts 10:08 you are able to be motivated by duty by obligation 11:15 stay grounded in self respect 11:50 trust your gut stick with your boundaries 12:15 not your responsibility to prop them up
I thought you’d say something about their eyes - the way they look at you - the tiny retina focused on a pray..could be psychopathy ? Their eyes are always cold and tiny - like fish...no emotion And remember - eyes are the windows to our souls...
Well, that is true in some cases. Other narcissists know the power of their wide open innocent-looking eyes to draw the other person in. Con artists use the same trick.
Unfortunately, this day and age our world is filled with Narcs! Us watching this, are chosen and set apart to see right through the BS! We are Warriors!
It's stated that only 0,5 to 1% of the general population has NPD, I swear it must be at least 10% nowadays. Almost every 10th. person I meet makes my guts turn.
@@birdgirl8390 Yes, I feel the same. I have heard different data on that: 1 in every 7 people, 1 in every 10 people, etc. Who knows? The fact is that sadly, I feel it's very common now. ☹
I notice they are never in the present moment with you. Their eyes have that "grinding gears" and thinking 25 steps ahead look. If someone has to constantly predict what lies to tell to people in case of being questioned, they are not trustworthy
I kept telling my friend this. My ex narcissistic boyfriend had this look of evil I would always try to explain to my friends. I can go through my photo timeline and see the change in his eyes that reflects his behavior at the time. It’s scary.
Yes! Your observation is spot-on! Their minds are constantly on themselves and their schemes, getting what they want, coming out on top, etc. My ex bragged a lot about how he was always mentally several steps ahead of everyone else. Was never able to relax and enjoy what was happening in the moment. Pathetic.
'They can argue all day long'. They argue, twist, backtrack, lie, invent and argue all their twisted logic and thoughts without ever getting tired doing so. It just seems to be a point scoring exercise for them.
My sister in law worms her way into the middle of other people’s events, starting by asking a ton of questions about the event, then acting as though she’s an expert on the subject and they ‘need’ her. Then she proceeds to steal the event from the person and make it about her. It’s really sickening. Doesn’t matter what the event is, a wedding, someone dying - she’s insanely jealous of the thought of someone else being the center of attention.
The narcissists I knew would say that I was a "top secret agent" which became a little joke he used when I wasn't comfortable disclosing personal information. Our convos felt like an interrogation, moreso than a light-hearted convo between friends. Crazy stuff.
I am at 38yrs of it. I am In a personal revolution..A quite place. I would never know where to begin , even the closest to me are blinded. I am absolutely alone. And it seems..that’s how it is for those of us who got caught. We are tested more than ever in these times. Especially when the world event totally mirror our own situation. And funny enough, we know exactly all the ways humans get cheated, tricked, manipulated by trusted sources. We also know the end result. I feel sad for humanity, more than my own personal situation. Maybe I am clinging to that, so I can cope?
@@Mama32566 That is the only relationship I have. I was referring to human relationships. Remember even Adam was lonely for human companionship. And that didn't work out well either. We are social beings but many are not holding up their end of the 'relationship'
It certainly leaves you depleted thinking you have nothing left to give to anyone else anyway so it wouldn’t even be fair to another person to even be in a relationship with you . But God did create us for companionship. He said it is not good for man to be alone . So , I guess I have to learn how to make better choices and set boundaries. It is so hard keeping your feelings of self worth intact when you are still in the situation though. Holding on the the Lord with everything I have left in me
@@amandas687 I don't think I have nothing to give. I have much to give. But I do expect the other person to participate in the relationship and not just be 'on the take'. Your comment about 'not being fair to the other person to even be in a relationship with me' makes me think you believe that a relationship needs to end if one person isn't 'getting'. This is WHY I am not pursuing relationships. It's all TAKE now.
My supply store is closed. That ended my marriage and before even legally divorced and still living together in my house she found a new boyfriend to make her feel special like I used to before my self esteem was destroyed.
I walked out of a narcissist situationship recently...this video accurately describes that person. I got goose pimples about the individual, and glad I made the right decision. Arguements were soo hitted over trivial matters, they do not listen, do not apologize, are always the victim, every bad description fits them.
Holy cow, I have nearly all 8 to a high degree. No wonder I was such a target for my ex. It's been a long road out, but I've realized that I'm so much stronger than I ever thought I could be. I don't miss living with constant criticism, that's for sure.
OMG I literally just got out of a 10 month relationship with a narcissist and this is spot on! I’m so glad I got out. Knowing yourself, respecting yourself and setting clear boundaries with yourself is key!
That’s what caught me. Good company. Then I realized he has listening to figure out how to manipulate. He also could fine tune the smear campaign and keep me confused by cognitive dissonance. And he was deliberate because he told me he loves cognitive dissonance.
Their eyes dilate and their eyes lock in on you like a wolf. Plus they don't blink when they're doing their creepy narciness on you. It's like Invasion of the Body Snatchers.
It's hard to close the supply store when it's become a habit to feed their addiction. I choose to step way back from this narcissist in my life rather than to break off the relationship. I'm gradually lowering the supply to her. Since I started doing this, she has started throwing me emotional breadcrumbs (like paying me a compliment, which is out of character). I do know that her critical, demeaning and demanding side will return.
YES EXACTLY!! My x narc slipped it to me one day I said why do all u people hate me, I was genuinely crying he responded it's your light they want it. I was gobsmacked. BINGO!! 💡
I was just discarded after 19 years when I stopped engaging. Literally took just a few months when COVID started and he moved on bc I was exhausted. It’s hard but I have my family back and I’m not going back to him. I’m getting better everyday.
N.'s are like toddlers. If their toy doesn't do what the toddlers wants the toy to do, the toddler throws it, stumps on it, rips it, crushes it, yells, etc. Then Places blame elsewhere.
Remember folks, narcissists are relentlessly driven by their inner demons. That accounts for this sort of behavior. No one acts this way unless they're full of internal demons. You're dealing with a very broken person.
@Lisa Rochwarg The Narcissist's INNER DEMONS 😵 ! How right you are ! They never know peace . The narcissist is A VERY BROKEN PERSON ! True , true , true . Well said . 😐
They are driven by their inner demons and after a while I have noticed that at times they are actually listening to a voice inside of their head, like they actually hear an audible voice. I've also noticed that most of them end up with dementia.
Oh my gosh you are so right. I did not know what narcissism was, even though I grew up in a house full of them, it was really typical behavior at home and I always felt sorry for them as a child. I didn’t understand or knew why? But narcissistic people do listen to voices, and horrible thoughts go through their heads, and they will naturally gravitate towards the empath. They really need a lot of help but will not seek it or admit it to themselves. And Instead they will seek to 1. Steal your heart! 2. Kill your Peace, and 3. Destroy your life! They’re prowling around like lions... Only looking at Whom they can devour.
@@naomimeace5080 You just described the devil and his minions intentions. Kill, steal and destroy. Ultimately they want you dead in your sins so u can join them in HELL. They want your soul. Turn to Jesus He will heal your land.
Natalia Xo 😘 Yes I know, and so I went straight to The Lord 16 years ago. And I can say it was exactly like being born again! My life became New instantly! Just like if someone had pressed a fresh start button, and all my old ways just went away!!! 🤗🎁💞
When my kind, generous mom suddenly became critically ill, my narcissistic sister came up with the craziest excuses not to visit. She would have tantrums if I suggested she be there for Mom. When she did honour us with her presence, she would hijack conversations with doctors to talk about her own health. My mother died with a broken heart. Now that my mom has passed, my sister is suddenly available and giving orders. We are joint executors of the estate. It is a nightmare. The greed, the cruelty, the disrespect toward my mother’s memory (and towards me, of course) is jaw dropping. Plotting, scheming... she will do anything to get more money. My anger is interfering with my grief. I’m struggling. Thank you for the videos. I watch them before we have to meet to remind me to keep calm and not to feed her ego.
That is so awful, I'm so sorry for your loss of your mom, and that now it has turned into a battle with a demon. It's awful that you are joint executors. She is adding so much pain and rage to what is already painful, hijacking what should be your own personal grieving process. I wish you peace and protection.
I am not being glib here so please don't take this the wrong way but consider hiring an attorney to stand in your shoes, so to speak, as executor. It might be worth the fee not to have to deal with the headaches. I wish you the best.
So Sorry for your loss. Dealing with your narc when you're already hurting is probably like rubbing salt into a wound. Hang in there. Maybe A minimum contact just the facts strategy might reduce some of the energy draining burden of communicating with her. Best wishes to you.
Thank you for the support and kind words. My mom was not a wealthy woman and lived a simple life. Though she didn’t have a lot, she gave generously of her time and money to family, friends and animal charities. What I find most heartbreaking is the callousness with which my sister is treating my mom’s treasures. I found her favourite Christmas wreath crushed under a stack of boxes. It has no dollar value, so my sister didn’t care. She thinks she is too good for my mother’s things. I am wondering if there is any connection between narcissism and hypochondria. My sister used to get attention for her looks, but now that she is in her 50s, it happens less often. She seeks attention through illness now. Maybe she was jealous of the attention my mom got while in the ICU...? I don’t know. She is certainly showing more anger and cruelty as she ages.
I had high blood pressure for years due to the torment I experienced by these narcs. Once I removed these stresses from my life my blood pressure returned to normal. They are a detriment to both your mental and physical health.
This video was so helpful, and so true! I have been in recovery from narcissistic abuse for a few years now, and I am happy to say that I am now able to spot a narcissist coming from a mile away! I have a next door neighbor who has been trying to "groom" me ever since I moved in, about 6 months ago. He has been using various tactics, such as trying to gain my confidence, asking lots of personal questions but not sharing much about himself, etc. I don't trust him AT ALL, and he's not getting anywhere with me! He keeps saying "I'm not trying to hit on you, I just want to be friends, because I think we have a lot in common, and I think you're really smart". Ha! If you're not hitting on someone, then you have no reason to say that, because it would be self-evident! He also keeps saying that he "would never want to be pushy, or to offend me", which again if your not doing that, you have no reason to say it, it would be obvious! Anyway, those narcissists are all around out there, even right next door. Don't fall for it! Remember, if someone has to keep telling you they're not doing something, they're ABSOLUTELY DOING IT!! 🤣
@@lioydwilliams1850 Thank you for your interest, but I will have to end our interaction here. I don't give out personal contact info to people I don't know.
It took me decades to stop making excuses for people. Without stumbling upon these videos, and others, describing the disorder in detail, I would have continued. Dr. Carter is a Godsend.
I love this video, just like I love being 72 years old! This is so much my mother, my sister, and many other people I have known in this long life. My best strategy is to be who I am and be ready to call their bluff. In all of my altercations over the years with narcissists, once I caught on to their ways, I have never lost a thing and I have thrived. Good boundaries, knowing who you are, not knuckling under to threats, and taking care of yourself to not be dependent on them in any way are all key. Don’t forget a good therapist to talk to and what they will teach you. Thank you, Dr. Carter. I am a retired psych nurse, and I always recommend your videos to people. 👍🏼😁
Niceness is a fear response. Staying pleasant so one does not rock the boat or cause upset in anyone else. Niceness very rarely extends to yourself. It's always outward. Kindness is where your power lies, and it starts within. A calm, firm "no" or even walking away are acts of kindness, because they are authentic. They are aligned with how you truly feel. Start by trusting and honouring yourself. You can do this :)
@@MySoulRoared your comment is really good and makes a lot of sense and I'm going to screenshot it so I can reference it. I have a fear of making people angry because I grew up in an abusive household and I am too nice to people and niceness isn't s*** because if you're hiding your true emotions that's basically lying
@@somethinggood9267 I appreciate you sharing that with me, and I'm happy to have helped in any way. You can do this. Truly. Re-parenting ourselves is incredibly challenging and rewarding both on a personal and collective level. Being able to operate from a healthy, balanced and authentic set-point ensures the cycle of abuse ends with us. Standing in your power will change how you view the world and how the world views you. I wish you clarity, strength and joy!
I need Dr Carter to put a message on my phone announcing "Sorry but the supply store is permanently closed!!!" Just imagining the weird look on my narcs face is priceless!!
I am terribly insecure as i grew up with absolutely no love...lonely, yup...i love companionship, the threat of abandonment always used against me. He would argue and change goalposts every second...when i lose it he felt above. He discounted my spirituality...gosh...i spent six hours cleaning his disgusting moldy kitchen, i disclosed my history hoping he would open up about his and heal...my feelings have been exploited and plunder...im so exahusted. Unfortunately because of sickness i depend on him.
This is so true..I’m constantly being told ,I it wasn’t for me you would be homeless you would lose everything if not for me...been in this since 2004...
What a terrible thing to hear, contemptuous and just plain mean to say the least. Best wishes. may you find the company that gives goodness and Grace to brighten your days.
Narcs won't let people step over their boundaries but they certainly will step all over people's boundaries!
💯 Facts
I can feel this🙉
Exactly. They’ll lie, cheat, steal and think it’s ok. My moms neighbor said hi to me and I was automatically cheating.
That’s a really disrespectful way of addressing them, they’re people too.
@@samanthadelahunt3698 You want to adopt them? You're welcome, they are all yours. 🙂
How to spot a narc and avoid them for life should be a mandatory class in high school, along with how to deal with money in order to build wealth. These 2 things would have saved me 45 years of unbelievable pain.
Lynn V I totally agree . I should’ve learned not to be so nice .
Amen to that !!!
Our Father who art in Heaven Hallowed be thy name thy kingdom come thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Would be so good.
I'm sorry for your pain. That's a long time. Imagine had you the luxury of these videos 46 years ago, a one year head start of when your pain all began. Ignorance of these matters is costly, and we've all paid the high HIGH price by not being in the know. I only say that because I'm right there with ya. It's all so much better going forward now that we have knowledge + understanding which = wisdom.
Today’s world would fall apart if the psychopaths at the top promoted that sort of learning. They’ve got to keep us out of their club or it doesn’t work for them.
Narcissism is an extreme overcompensation for extreme insecurity.
True 💯🙏
And paranoia/self-centeredness
Bingo
Honestly, I don't really buy that. Definitely there are some (more on the covert side). I met more who are absolutely believe they are top of everything in all dimension or who doesn't even care how much they know about the subject: they just want to have their "high". They are pretty much like addicts who will do anything to get it or when they are threatened to lose the position to someone, they will destroy them. The threat doesn't come from insecurity, but entitlement. May be even more simple: I don't care if I deserve it, I don't care if you can out do me: I want it. Period. And they don't even stop to think about entitlement or their insecurity. They see themselves smarter and better by this too, because they see that "the strength of that want, the amount of manipulation to get it, the ruthlessness they are able to use for their goals" is THE thing that makes them better and stronger than others. THAT power is one that rules over others. Who cares what kind of knowledge you have, who cares how much you worked for it, who cares what ability you have. It is all subordinate to the one and only power: the power of their WANTS and to do ANYTHING for it. The thinking doesn't go further than that. They can't even process when they are cutting the very branch they are standing on off from the tree that sustains them.
Yup
The problem with the narcissist's ego bucket is that it has a hole in it. It doesn't mater how much you pour in, it never gets full.
Exactly right!
Maybe because they're broken souls?
They really are junkies and their fix is good people. They are not, what I call, good people and their souls are like black holes. They will suck your soul/life energy dry because the holes never get filled. My experience is they’re hopeless cases.
So true
We all have an ego.
They love excitement.....for them not you. They hate to see you happy.
Oh..hm!
All my life my bro and sis hated to see me do well. Literally saw tears of pain in my sisters eyes. Because my little brothers praised me for bringing home the bacon sausage and pork chops. All night butchering hogs with my uncle. Older bro never said anything positive to me ever. Now I understand and cut them out completely.
Yes! Mine that I'm here trying to figure out isn't usually insulting unless and until I'm exuberant and break out in a song or start dancing being my normal goofy self. It's the only time he just SLAMS me...its like it makes him SO uncomfortable and angry that he has to shut it down as fast as he can. Normally, he's just kind of a dark cloud trying to maintain control of the climate. But as soon as I show any joy he's an instant asshole. I've grown so exhausted and depressed from not being able to be who I am when I'm actually happy.
Yes I agree. I feel like Narcs look for well liked and respected people also but the only reason is so that once they do something well or set up ways to appear positive in your eyes you will then spread compliments about them. I know someone like this. I think they try to appear good to me because I'm respected but just so that I can say nice things about them.
Amen
Narcs have a very low boredom threshold and constantly create chaos and drama wherever they go...
Adrenaline junkies
Loraine Berry omg! Yes! Everything had to be a 3 ring circus!
@Jenn Hughes Had never thought of it like this...thankyou..helps me understand why he could never cope with solitude or even the occasional silent periods in daily life....always had to keep his head busy....couldnt switch off or relax..ever.
Always being told how ‘bored’ he is 😭
It’s so true. Constant complaints about being bored, that I’m boring, mixed with energy drinks to bring him up, drugs to slow him down, arguments just for sport.
9. They want to replace all the good things in your life, with their standards.
10. They want to erase everything that you are and replace them with their low opinion of you.
Really good way of putting it. That’s just what they do. And it’s hard when you don’t know what you are dealing with and are isolated, to not take it on board
@@maidmarion2976 exactly! All the things I used to enjoy doing, I'd stopped and not even realized I was becoming this person slave and hostage.
@@bookbeing It happens gradually. What he didn’t do was as bad as what he did do. I think a normal person who this happens to cannot believe anyone could do these things deliberately so makes allowances for other factors. They cannot believe the ruthlessness and lack of feeling for another human being and their life.
Yes, exactly! 😔
Thank you
The way you describe it it sounds like a narcissist is nothing but a wolf in sheep's clothing. They are total predators
@Klausbärbel Fömm or the unaware person with schizophrenia whom just got diagnosed and had no idea (me)
There is a great book with that title.
In the bible they are described as u said. Wolves in sheep's clothing. Demonic spirits inhabit their souls. Inward they are evil ravenous wolves. Run for your life🏃♀️🏃♂️🏃♀️🏃♂️🏃♀️🏃♂️🏃♀️🏃♂️
They are predators indeed!
Read George Simons In Sheep’s Clothing. Eye opening!
The narc worsens with age. Add in alcohol and the hate is rampant.
Yes, addiction kind of creates the same narcissistic behavior. Totally agree.
Add in childhood emotional neglect and we’ve described my mother perfectly 🙃
I can relate
You know my mother.
I am in awe of the fact that I survived childhood and a good portion of my adulthood,54, without dying at her hands,her past boyfriend's/husband's hands, or my own hands.i used to think there is no one who has been thru what I have been thru...because no one else has actually survived the same kind of abuse. I thought I should have been dead
Nothing like waking up...and once you see it you cannot un-see it. This helps so very much.
Yes once you wake up you can’t un see it so true,
Elizabeth O'Dell 💯SSS
So many and so much insecurity..it could fill an ocean
Well said 👏🏻
Facts.
1- need companion
2- want a good reputation
3- speak positive of others... wearing rose-tinted glasses
4- willing to argue with the fool
5- easily cajoled from boundaries
6- servant mentality... easily used
7- willing to be too personal (TMI, folks)
8- highly motivated by sense of duty
Yep...I was well trained growing up to be fodder for a narc, without being taught about when to say no.
👍
Me too!
So was I, and man are they all po'd now that my "store" is closed! Major smearing campaign happens when they see they're loosing their grip on their supply.
@ V S Very smart move, to keep your "store closed" ! 😀✔ Give the Narcissist nothing .
When I refuse to do something immediately, I get creatively accommodating:
“I can do that better after _____”,
If you want me to do that the way you want, I need ______”
...what other responses do all you reading this message have?
The things they say they love about you in the beginning are the same things they will use to destroy you when they discard you
Yep. Or try to.
So true!!!
The pretend in the beginning. And soon enough the mask falls off.
Indeed.
Looking back on it, my ex basically did an interview on me when we met. He wanted to know everything. I thought wow, he really must be interested in me. He must care. I'll never ignore that prying again, huge red flag.
OMG..me too!
And the stalking-they want to know where you are every minute of the day.
Eewww now I feel a little sick. I thought he just liked me
I have a former friend of mine that will butter up your whole family. Learn everything about you . earn your trust and then control you seen him do it several times. Then the true him comes out. It ends badly every time.
It's called Data mining. My kids think I'm being paranoid but no way, am I going to let another Narc in my house!
He used all my past abuse against me. Everything I disclosed he became
And worse. Much worse!😩
Yikes.
You have my deepest sympathy , I have been there... you feel completely betrayed , questioning if you can ever trust anyone again and if it was your fault all along ... be assured it isn’t, I often wonder if that’s where the saying out of the frying pan into the fire comes from!
That's what they do. They wanna make you re-live any pain you've been in.
Grey Goose and compound it, it seems. They are the kids who used to fry worms with magnifying glasses on the sidewalk...
They basically act out their deep inner pain on others to get relief rather than say someone who is a cutter or who turns innerward and has empathy. It’s actually a less pathetic and more empowering way of dealing with abuse, to block your empathy. If they weren’t so dangerously life and soul sucking and crushing, I’d try and help them to heal, but been there done that, have the scars, inside and out.
You forgot the most important one:
9. Is forgiving, even after extreme emotional and physical cruelty
Very Important indeed ! She/He knows that u have the abilty to forgive like a parent would forgive no matter what. Because sometimes i felt like an Parent for the Person (Cause of the Points like arguing , listening as a Best Friend or Family Member would do..)
I did 10 years long
This is what I did I forgave even thou the pain, horrific nightmare, and trauma. You will never see the world the same. You are forever changed. Like they took your innocence. Don't get me wrong, I did learn, educated myself healed and moved on, but I hope you know what I mean.
I have been forgiving because of the way I was raised. I did not see that it was being use against me.
This.
Their constant projection of charm and "kindness" blind you and is hard to believe what is really going on inside their malevolent heads until is too late. Then you look back and realized that they were buttering you up to burn you later.
Yep. He was great at first.
Spot on!!
Realize if they're willing to trash others, they'll be willing to trash you.
What a great phrase. I'm going to have that in my thoughts! Oooo next time a narc decudes to get out that butter I'm gonna think about what that's for.
And burn they will! They will constantly try to make you feel like everything you do is wrong and they know the right way because after all, they know EVERYTHING.
This is important. After getting out of a relationship with a narcissist I spent a long time reconciling with myself how I got into that relationship in the first place. What I was attracted to in him. How did I fall for his lies and what about me attracted him? I’m now in a lovely supportive relationship with a man who respects me and my needs... healing is worth it everyone
I am happy for you,
Im In the healing, self reflection now,
Hearing you gives me Hope
Crystal Morrison you clicked on this video which means you are willing to face ugly truths and you want to grow. Deciding to grow and change is the hardest and first step - well, maybe relaxing you need to id the hardest step! But you’re already this far. Be proud of where you’ve come from!
Crystal Morrison realizing*
Rebekah Newman You know, I’ve found self-reflection like that to actually be empowering. Uncovering what my responsibility was in a relationship makes me feel like I was not just buffeted about by whatever way the wind blew. Powerlessness is the worst feeling in the world. I think what it is is that I can’t change other people, but I can change myself if I choose to, and that gives me power back.
Getting out, finding yourself, and healing is the most beautiful thing!!
Here is a simplified, reworded eight points:
1. Lonely
2. Decent person
3. Forgiving
4. Naively willing to fight
5. Weak boundaries
6. Self-disclosing
7. Have a Sense of Honor
Good way to put it. Thanks. Dr. C
Yes that is me. They find me and I am so scared now of attracting another
@@kirsten1007 Me too.
@@kirsten1007 I think though, that when you know what to look out for, you can say no to it.
Don't beat yourself up for being a nice person. Just save it for the right people. When someone shows you who they truly are & believe them the 1sr time and head out the door.
1. You like companionship. - then they think 'you owe me' and use the threat of abandoning you.
2. You want to keep a good public image. - they will hold your negatives against you in a way you are beholden to them. They play off your reputation and your desire for a good reputation.
3. You like to speak well of others. - when they see you give understanding and grace to others they see you as willing to make excuses for them and speak well of them.
4. You're willing to argue with them. - you're willing to argue and since they never tire of arguing they know they can wear you out and they won't quit until you're exhausted. When they put you down they think it elevates them.
5. You can be cajoled against your boundaries. - they're hoping you are not confident enough in your boundaries so that you'll do things their way.
6. You are a servant - they know they can be on the serving end of your good nature. The more you like to be kind and friendly the more they think they can use it to their advantage.
7. You're willing to discuss personal matters. - you'll talk about your emotions and needs, experiences and hurts. They are gathering info to use to exploit you later.
8. You're able to be motivated by duty or obligation. - the narc is going to tell you what your duties and obligations are.
They are the addict looking for a fix to get their ego bucket filled.
3 things to watch for
1. Stay grounded in your self respect. Dr C stands for dignity, civility and respect.
2. Trust your gut. When you realize they're trying to make you be someone you're not, then trust your gut and stick with your boundaries.
3. It's not your responsibility to prop them up. - they need to learn to do that on their own within themselves.
Learn to say my supply store is closed. I'm not going to fill your ego bucket full of holes. You're going to need to go find a different source for your supply (and they will!).
So well said. I can add nothing. They lay around like king or queen of the world while we do everything. Found out I have power at my transitional living apt to evict him on the spot. He raged, I call police. Handed 2 bags I packed for him to manager and breathed my first free breath in 33 yrs! TY JESUS. 🙏✝️📖😁😎
@@clusterbfreekarynsmith2190 so proud of you and happy for you!!
Thanks for taking the time to put this in print. Although I listen carefully to Dr. C, reading it helps solidify this in my mind.
Yes!
I have ADHD so thank you for putting bullet points for me i appreciate it.
“You owe me.” Or, “I’m entitled, I’m your mother!” That was my mom. Until the day I’d had enough and put my foot down. Boundaries. Don’t leave home without them.
Don’t go home without them either
How about this one: "You owe me because I housed, fed and clothed you for eighteen years."
Linda Baer that’s exactly my mom. Even when I was a little girl my mom used to say to me “I’m entitled! I’m your mother!” As an adult she would passively aggressively say “kids just don’t do for their mothers like they used to” with a heavy sigh and look of disappointment. And then the kicker was when she’d tell me how great all the other children were (“Maryellen’s kids are so good to her) like I was crap. All this in the middle of a family crisis, my dad dying and mom having a stroke and I’m busting at the seams to take care of things. Finally, I told her she had 30 days to find someone else to hand over the responsibilities to. Financial planning. Estate planning. Care planning. Everything. And I would ensure a smooth transition. And if she continued I’d be gone. And then I left. Well she blew a gasket. I stayed away and then told her that the daughter she raised and knew was gone. For good. And that she might not like the new daughter. But i liked her and that was enough.
Narcissistic parents suck. But adult healing is the best feeling ever.
Linda Baer yeah that one always gets me. Isn’t that the bare minimum of parental responsibility? It’s illegal to NOT do that!
LinYouToo You're your mother's ego function. You keep her propped up from the outside. Her ego never developed beyond age two. You have a child on your hands!
They do things for you that you never asked them to do just so they can throw it up in your face later. They really are self-entitled with the "you owe me" act. You owe them nothing. Say that to them and watch their mind explode
Ah trouble is even when we have given back ten fold they refuse to acknowledge we did anything for them. They cannot feel gratitude bc being thankful puts them lower than. They must always be in the superior position being thanked not vice versa. Thus all we do for their lazy entitled butts is seen as stuff they could’ve easily done themselves and so valueless to them. Reality is they cannot do for themselves. They cover that insecurity with braggadocio to devalue our giving back so we perpetually STILL OWE them
I was repeatedly told that I had never done or given him nothing (his bad grammar). My response was "I have given you ME! And I am NOT Nothing!" At which point he would start listing off all the "good" he had done for me over the years.. My statement was Always disregarded!! I Have Given you ME.. I Am NOT.. NOTHING! My words meant Nothing to him.. but hey, according to him, I'm the Crazy One. After 13 yrs of it, maybe so.
@@conniedenton319 ... Connie, you are not crazy. You are doing the right thing by getting help with poisonous people like this.
Way to go!
@@JSmedic1 Thank you. I most certainly know that I'm not crazy, but definitely not as sane as I used to be.. insanity breeds insanity.. Taking one moment at a time, Working on Healing.. Finding the lost Me.
Wow! I just received a letter from him, from prison, wanting me to explain to him why I hate him so much to cause him so much pain! He also stated in the letter that he is used to being disgaurded by me! That's the word he uses, instead of Disregarded, or Discarded. And he claims there are no stipulations or consequences if I talk to him.. I am his victim of the crime that he committed for the reason he is in prison! He Will NEVER see What he has done, the Harm he has caused Me.
My biggest target traits are:
1. I'm a good listener - they use me as their personal therapist, got worse when I became a nurse
2. I don't like to be the center of attention - they are more than happy to "eat for two"
Anna Bee I’m also a nurse but when I divorced and entered internet dating , I didn’t acknowledge it , just said I worked in healthcare . Too many of these older men thought I would want to nurse them . No way !!!!!
In my experience, everyone is kinda looking for a therapist. Lol
I noticed my ex would do that a lot. I grew tired of it, because I’m not paid to be a therapist. I got to the point where I walk would away and say I was tired etc..
I began to feel something was off about interacting with him. He told me more than once he thought I was weak, I disagreed, I still disagree.. he told me, he needed to think for me, I also disagreed.. I still feel this way now. I had to figure out a way to get rid of him, I wanted to get rid of a couple a years ago. He was a truck driver, so he wasn’t around much..I always felt he would stick his foot on my neck if I married him, I didn’t btw.. so, every time he would come over, I would ask him when he was going to was leave.. he hated that...he eventually leaves altogether.. I was ready to be done with completely by then, so I realized he was cheating on me, I took that as my cue to disappear completely from his life. I had to put a spam filter on my phone, because he called me so much. He found a way around the call blocking but not the spam filter. It costs three bucks a month and well worth it . He even came over to see me, I wouldn’t answer the door. He always thought he was smarter than me, he didn’t expect me to disappear on him without saying a word..😏
I love communication. And my issue is that I want to make everyone feel comfortable enough and at ease enough to talk with me so I overshare. It sucks to think I’ll have to not be myself to avoid attracting these freaks though.
What he said at the beginning sums it up. They are very insecure people. That's why they manipulate you. They have a fear of abandonment and rejection.
@Quiche Lorraine both
@Quiche Lorraine they're empty because they were emotionally neglected as children.
They also fear reality and their true self
@@caobita they don't know their true self because thier true identity was neglected as children. They don't know what real is. They live in a fantasy land.
This rings true from a man who has exhibited narcisstic tendencies and has been exploring previous behaviors AND been with a partner/marriage exhibiting narcissistic manipulations and tendencies ... fascinating stuff.
..."and believe me, they will". I think this was not intended to sound scary, but it sent chills down my spine.
Yes, number 4 is crucial for them. When you're willing to argue, they know that they will never be ignored. I noticed that any attention, even negative, is better than no attention at all.
They're just like some children in that way.
Tension same as compliment is their supply. When they make you sad or angry it is their supply. It is like they have a break from their inner torment of emptinesd, bad mood insecurity. They need recharging.
@@aspalathos8499 So true. The first person ever to say "misery loves company" must have known a lot about narcs 😅
@@lisarochwarg4707 yes totally! I am beginning to think that these people are internal infants that were never given the proper education to mature from naturally self-centered child into a selfless adult.🤔. At least this is how I see my spouse and MIL.🙄
@@Miss_Wonderful1 Brilliant comments!
A clue for me that some one is a narcissitic is that they give you excessive flattery and 'love-bomb' you when they barely know you. They seem like the best friend you've ever had etc.....So, show little interest, even disinterest in ridiculous flattery...
I think that that's very true but sometimes I get paranoid because I like to encourage and give people compliments even if I don't know them that well. I think it takes more than that to make a narcissist but it's definitely a good jumping-off point
oh my gosh my ex did this to me.... he immediately acted like we were lovers and best friends, asked me to be his girlfriend the day after i met him.... i feel stupid.
I've seen this with my narcissist. She was speaking very badly about her son's mother in law earlier that day, and then at the baby shower when she saw her.... in front of everyone was "Oh I just love your hair, it looks soooo gooood." Or constantly complimenting random strangers all the time. Its very bizarre and annoying when I realized how phoney it was. It took me years to understand what was happening. Even when I knew something was off.
@@somethinggood9267 All narcissists have a degree of charm, but not everyone who's charming is a narcissist. The fact that truly kind, complimentary, good-hearted, well-mannered people do actually exist in the world is what gives value to the narcissist's ability to mimic that behavior.
My ex was really big on complimenting people she had just been destroying behind their back. I don't know if this is common, but she would inevitably compliment them on what she was literally just making fun of them to other people about. That aspect of the exercise made it that much more satisfying for her.
I see a lot of comments where people say “MY narcissist” and I think it’s important to take a moment to realize the power of words, and how saying “my” means an extension of you, or still having power over you. Maybe it’s just an easier way to tell your story on these videos, but I think it’s important to remember to not let it take hold in your psyche on that way
Yes! I do get it on UA-cam. You say, “my narc does that too”. But psychically it kind of makes them yours. It’s easy to say “my ex” but then they are yours forever.
Excellent point. Thank you.
I noticed that too
That is a phrase I took notice of that too. Thank you for stating that. Words are powerful. It's dangerous to use words that identify one's self as an "owner" of the narcissist. One needs conscious boundaries even in one's own thoughts.
True! I had the same thought.
All of us who have these traits need to get together and live near each other, so we can have a nice neighborhood and keep those narcissists out!! So we can just relax and be ourselves, be supportive to each other in nice ways with good boundaries and pleasantness!
Another video of GOLD WISDOM to help us change our lives entirely!
That would be Utopia!
I wish I had known all this year's ago. Sadly, I learnt the hard way.
Now I run a mile from ANYONE telling me how great they are because that is how it's consistently started for me.
Greatness doesn't need to sell itself and by its very nature wouldn't sell itself.
I so agree. There are people at my church who talk about how little they sin(in different terms) and i find it to be very troubling. I noticed it doesnt seem to bother anyone else...
@@somethinggood9267 Yes it’s a really good point. They are constantly judging themselves. I tell people it’s up to God to judge us not ourselves, but Narcs need to do it. They need their own good opinion of themselves. I always thought that to believe you are without sin is one of the worst things
You just took me back to my ex telling me "you and me are good people". Shudder.
@@miriammoriarty8588 They have to have this perfect image of themselves before them all the time. Glad you got out
Good point!
Having been married to a narcissist and feeling like I eventually emerged from hell, I think this therapist makes tons of sense.
Absolutely 🎉
So almost every quality narcissists look for is a good one! It's almost a compliment to have one try to latch on to you. Not a compliment anybody actually wants, though!
Great observation, now I feel better. He beats me down and I know I'm a caring giving person. Thank God I found the Dr.
N
Well said!
Well said
For the most part, but the fifth point about not being clear on your boundaries is not a good quality. Being kind, personable, forgiving, and dutiful are great qualities, but they should be backed up with clarity about your own worth and your own purpose, your goals, and of course your boundaries. Dealing with a Narc made me a much better person because I had to do some serious work to find out where the line was and how to defend it. Now even healthy relationships are easier.
@@carmendevine7244
I'm middle aged & only now beginning learn where my boundaries are. I suspect adhd has been slightly to blame for this. In my attempt to discover this terrain I do sometimes subconsciously &/ or deliberately keep boundaries loose to discover if a person is happy to cross them and by what degree. I am willing to forgive a person who stumbles across because I myself am also prone to do so sometimes but if there is any hint of malevolence or control then I'm ghosting or gray rocking/ no contact.
There is hoovering....and then "hovering "for supply....run ...just run!!!
My late husband was. Everything was always my fault, was always accusing me of something. It was very draining, he passed away last year. I honestly don’t miss the daily tension.
Lucky You!
I completely feel you.
You are free Karen. You are lucky. Feel blessed!
Wow Karen that is so deep
Just make sure you don’t find yourself another one...😬
I can totally relate to "Go along to get along"- it was the only way to survive my spouse. I look back now and regret it. I'll never do that again.
That's how I felt about my mom, my aunt and my ex. But f that. Boundaries are everything 🙌
I've seen the argument thing many many times. Narcissists love arguing just for the sake of arguing. It doesn't matter how petty it is, they just want to argue because they enjoy it. They should just join a debate club if they love arguing so much. Also when they argue, they just pull in things that have nothing to do with the discussion and use that to argue their points because in their minds they just want to win the argument even if it doesn't make sense.
They are ready to argue at any moment because they perceive anything you say as a potential criticism towards them even when you aren't saying anything about them. Also, even when you try to agree with them, they counter it and try to defend the opposing viewpoint just for the sake of creating an argument. They are highly on edge and you can't really have a genuine conversation with them because you can sense how they get overly defensive at any type of remark even when it's not negative.
Their idea of a conversation is just them talking AT you and not to you. They just want you to nod and agree with them while they blather on. They speak fast and without any breaks or pauses in their speech because they don't want to give you an opportunity to interject even for a second.
HodgePodge mine wouldn’t allow me to disagree with him. He threatened to divorced me if we argued . That confuses me .
A lot of them do become lawyers, so...there's that
One created a whole drama for refusing his hug......
A lot of them are lawyers
@@annfeeney1662 Sounds horrible
There is another technique: constant low level pressure against your boundaries, until they collapse from exhaustion. It’s hard to spot but devastating.
Urgh my narcissist “father” does this CONSTANTLY. It’s like being stuck in a room with a radio that plays nothing but annoying ads 24/7.
💯
This is my two nsrc neighbours. One walks across the road to encourage his dog to urinate on my boundary fence. The other, soaks it with water while bringing his car to it, on the pretence of washing it. Both, nasty old men, with flying monkeys and useful idiots.
I had a friend watch my house when I went on holiday and they reported back that while I was away, these guys were totally depressed because their entertainment had gone.Tgey didn't leave their homes for a week!
I've learned that I don't have to hide my good qualities in order to keep myself safe. I give everyone a fair chance to be a good friend, and if they start disrespecting my boundaries, I walk away. I usually give them 3 chances on the good faith that perhaps once or twice was a misunderstanding. 3 times is a pattern. I've figured out that they're not obligated to respect anything and they are free to make the choices they want. I'm the only one who has to respect my boundaries in order to be healthy and happy. If they're not on board, they can take a long walk off a short pier. lol
Sadly, it happened again this week. And while I'm extremely disappointed in that person, my self-esteem is constant. My feelings aren't even hurt, I'm just sad they chose to act this way. I wish them nothing but peace in the future. I just won't be in theirs.
Wow such wise words! Yup we’re the ones who have to respect our boundaries…and by the way I only give them one chance now. Too old to put up with that 💩🤣
Wishing you peace, thanks for sharing. Love your comment.
Here are my top eight cues to attract a narcissist. They sure worked for me :)
1. Allow minor personal criticisms from the narc to slide through to the keeper (think instead: maybe I was in the wrong)
2. Accept the critical attitude from the new narc MIL (think: don't rock the boat, she can't be that judgemental)
3. Don't be too vocal expressing your thoughts, likes and dislikes. (think instead: no-one likes a loud mouth)
4. Acquiesce to physical intimacy very early on (think: he must really like me)
5. Start doing chores for your narc (think: he will value my love and kindness)
6. Spend time organising social events and special holidays (think: he will look back fondly on these memories)
7. Overlook the lack of emotional connection (think: I am emotionally connected enough for both of us)
8. Finally, offer the narc full access to your normal life, with all of its love and laughter and happiness. (think: he will love me in return)
Thank you Dr C for your insight and for caring so much about others.
Sometimes even the narc will do some of these because they think they can use them as leverage to get others to do what they want. The one I'm dealing with sees everything including an acts of generosity as a transaction.
My former life in a nutshell.
OMG, I did all this with my ex narc. Wish they would teach about narcs in high school.
I wish I had realized these points a lot earlier in life...🤷🤦
I wonder if #1 is a test? Mine did that but i thought I was harmless joking at first! I was pretty naive.
Now that last one, there's a certain way to do things and they have to be my way - that describes the most recent narcissist in my life, a co-worker.
Mahalo from Honolulu. Enjoying Day 7 no contact. Turns out I am Head of Household & have the right to evict him on the spot. Threw him out & enjoying peace in my home.
Mahalo. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism Dr. Carter you were 'accidentally' viewed thru my pain Thanksgiving 2019. That holiday the 'A ha!' moment happened. Felt the confusion lift some in response to prayer. Next I see a channel with a woman - Petra and then you. You resonated with me and 'babysat' me thru my awakening. Binged thru Christmas. No contact 10 days now with Fragile, Covert Narc of 33 yrs. & I am 65 yrs today! Thank you, Jesus & Dr. C. 🛐✝️📖
@@clusterbfreekarynsmith2190 I'm so happy that you can finally have peace and start to heal again. I will keep you in my prayers. It isn't easy at all, and I hope you have all the support you deserve.
Yaaaaas! 🥳🥳🥳💪 nice work
Oh! You! Are! AWESOME! 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾💃🏿💃🏿💃🏿💃🏿💃🏿💃🏿💃🏿
How to spot a narc: casually talk good / praise someone else so that they hear it and watch for their reactions. Bet they turn stif like stone and won’t say a thing. Can’t even look you straight in the eye, but instead look from the corner of their eye, like little demon trying to hide themselves from the spotlight. They hide because they are rageing fom jealousy inside! Especially if they see you as possible partner.
Yes this is very true..very good point. If they are still in the stage of getting to know you, they will do their best to hide the fact that hearing you complement someone other than them sends them into an internal frenzy! If they have already gotten close to you, they will attack you for it.
Wow! I recall that happening a lot with my family narcs. But hadn't thought about it much.
Stiff as a dead snake
Oof i wish i knew that earlier. He would go into another room when i was giving attention and making out with my friend's date. They were in open relationship. I ended up with the 75 yr old when i was 26. Now we are 30 and 78 yrs old. It's a lot of work. I basically broke up with him saying he isn't going to trust or do the things he said he would
Yes! Covert narcs cut their eyes alot. And when they think you don't notice, they'll give an evil stare to the person they're jealous of.
No wonder I'm a narcissist magnet! I have all of these traits. No more, I will be very clear with my boundaries. Thank you for your amazing insight ❤
Narc magnetics usually ends with u in prison or in the ground... Lucky u
@@evanmarzan3127 ok
I was just thinking the exact same thing!!!!
In my very recent experience I realized a Narrsasit is what they used to refer to as a energy vampire. When they leave you feel emotionally drained.
I felt emotionally drained when I was in the person's presence. After I got away my energy was fine.
I always called my husband an emotional vampire because he liked to feed on negative emotions. He was always saying or doing things to push my buttons, until I caught on to him.
My dad literally was bragging about how he is an energy vampire... like it's a good thing. He said he could see people getting tired after being around him for too long or something along those lines. Maybe its because he goes on hour long monologs and doesn't let anyone get a word in edge wise? 🤷♀️ All I know is my body physically tenses up around him and I feel scared of him.
They, also, want to hear your story in order to make it theirs
Yes!!!!! I’ve seen this firsthand!
Whoah! Yes. 😭
Oh... I had one who would buy the same clothes as me... and then post the photos with the same clothes at the places where I have been with the same dress or jacket... It took me time to realize that she wants to take my place in the order of life.
NEVER too late to start keeping your business "Personal".......👍🤫
This is very true. I did a feminist trauma counselling program at community college after my undergraduate degree. My ex (a doctoral level therapist) started using those trauma informed and feminist principles to create a sense of empathy and compassion for seducing women online. He could act like he had empathy and was understanding of their life experiences. Horrible.
Yes, my narcissist loves to tell me, “That’s why no one likes you!” or “My family hates you!” and if I spoke well of someone, they’d tell me I care too much about other people. It was crazy making. YES to ALL OF THESE!!
My ex narcissist goal is to turn all our children against me. He knows I was a good mother, but his need to be worshipped is bigger. It’s so heartbreaking.
When he said he was addicted to me during courting I should've run!!
Yup
Mine said I complete him. I disagreed because I never felt he completed me. It’s definitely an addiction statement!
He was heavily into drinking & other addictions.
Honestly I said that to my narc. I really felt addicted to him.
1 you're looking for a companion
2 worried about how others see you
3 wear blinders - rose colored glasses
4 willing to wrestle (and lose) with pigs
5 don't stand up to boundary crossing (weak)
6 you serve others
7 give away personal info about your weaknesses
8 feel obligated to be selfless / loyal
Narc kryptonite
-have self-respect
-trust your boundaries
- its not your job to prop up anyone or bend over backwards
-if you keep yourself in the picture, don't make it all "free" they will move on
Learn boundaries & practice them for your own peace of mind ☮️
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries! Make that your number one rule! Thanks Dr. Carter! You make and hold firm your boundaries and watch those narcissists drop off like leeches cut off from blood supply!
My ex and my son both freak out if i tell them that they're entitled to their opinion. They hate it when i wont take the bait.
Haha same. It feels good to assert my confidence in myself by telling family member that.
Yes, it's a good answer: "Everybody has the right to have their own opinions, I respect it." And I usually add this: "I'm wishing you all the best, first and foremost a happy life!" I say these when I feel that they want me to take the bait and to become defensive or to collapse, etc. They can't say anything, I can see that they are very surprised and disappointed. There's no other weapon in my hand.
That works for a while but how long can you live in an environment of lies or boundary violations? If they are a low level narc that phrase may put an end to it but a toxic narc will accelerate to dangerous levels until you HAVE to react or your physical, financial, emotional life will be destroyed. If you find yourself needing to use this phrase, better plan an exit strategy.
Unless they are stating facts and you are avoiding inconvenient facts by mislabeling them as 'opinions'.
I'm still searching for a good sentence to tell them, something that can repel them in case they don't state opinions, just do something harmful, violate boundaries, etc. Any ideas?
I was a fuel pump to a narcissist for 35 years. This info is too late for me but not for others. Listen very carefully and translate what Dr Carter says into your own life so that it makes full sense.. 🦋 Not only is my life a mess but the narcissist and our children, it affects everyone.
"We can do this all day long!" Ummm, no we can't!!" This is exactly right Dr. C. Life with a narcissist is akin to being under the rule of a cruel and wicked dictator! Great video!
David Slocum It is! After about 59 years of tolerating my father I thought “This is like living in North Korea.”
Yeah dont play their game.
Omg so true they
The fact that I'm watching this on Christmas should tell you all you need to know about how my day's going!
Guess what? I’m here and I noticed! Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you for noticing! And for all the wonderful videos. They are so very helpful. Merry Christmas to you and your family!
@@SurvivingNarcissism It'd be great if you would make a video about narcissists and how they deal with illness. When my Nmom is sick or injured, she gets even meaner, pushes me away, acts macho, doesn't want help, even APOLOGIZES for being ill! It's so baffling! As a former caseworker for the Red Cross, I've learned you can't help people who don't want to be helped, so I (reluctantly) give her a wide berth.
I hope you got out and having a peaceful life
Married 40 years to a covert narc. This is spot on. Too bad I wasted nearly a lifetime learning these things the hard way.
Especially liked the end of this video. After 40 years of exhausting work trying to keep a marriage together, I mentally and physically collapsed. As I slowly recovered, I knew I could no longer play the odd, degrading game we were in that made no sense. I disengaged and focused on my long neglected self-care. Unknownst to me, he immediately went hunting for my replacement. He "needed womanly attention" he stated. As soon as he secured her, he announced his affair, packed his stuff and moved in with her - leaving me to clean up the mess. He married her just as soon as he could after our divorce was final. It is head spinning how cold and abrupt the narc discard is! I only wish now that I had not wasted 40 years trying so hard to compromise and build a marriage that was only an illusion.
Yep, I’m in the same boat , it’s so upsetting that my life was taken over by a sicko
Oh-my-goodness. The more I learn about narcissists, the more stupid I feel. Your videos are always eye-opening. This one has my eyes popping out of my sockets! This is my daily life. The supply store is closed!!!
Wow me too, its shocking.
Cathy, please don't feel stupid! Expecting people to be normal (not narcs) is reasonable, because most people ARE normal. Not knowing the signs to look for doesn't make you stupid, it just means you have room to learn. We all have room to learn, if not about one thing, then about another. There is no shame in not knowing, but there is pride in learning. Be proud you are learning how to take care of yourself, be proud that you are growing stronger every day.
Girl......you're not alone!! My life until 3 years ago. This video is disturbingly truth!
Cathy W . I feel stupid as well but at least now I know and you do too…SSS
@@pamelatippins482 me...21 years ago
Spent 37 years with one, to hold out for the children. He spoiled the children, so tough to leave on their behalf. Now, the divorce has lagged on 3 years, bc a narcissist does not want to lose, or lose money. Trapped again. He is like glue. The patience this requires needs grace!!!!
Don't Fill Their Ego Bucket
Be grounded in Respect!
Trust your gut!!
Not your responsibility to be exploited!!!
Oh God.. this feels like someone has read my diary of the relationship I had with a narcissist!
2:28 they watch for, that you like companionship
3:00 *'scorecard'* you owe me
3:40 know you want to keep a good public image
5:00 you like to speak well of others, therefore
"i want you to make excuses for me"
6:18 you are willing to argue with them
7:24 you can be cajoled away from
your boundaries
8:30 you like to serve and to be helpful
9:20 you are willing to discuss personal
matters, talk about your emotions,
you disclose your hurts
10:08 you are able to be motivated by
duty by obligation
11:15 stay grounded in self respect
11:50 trust your gut stick with your boundaries
12:15 not your responsibility to prop them up
Great notes!
Looks like I'm a very poor supply source 😊, thanks for all these videos
I thought you’d say something about their eyes - the way they look at you - the tiny retina focused on a pray..could be psychopathy ? Their eyes are always cold and tiny - like fish...no emotion And remember - eyes are the windows to our souls...
Well, that is true in some cases. Other narcissists know the power of their wide open innocent-looking eyes to draw the other person in. Con artists use the same trick.
Salve Regina .........I agree, they have cold emotionless dead fish eyes.
@@carolynmccall7592 exactly, mine had the most beautiful puppy eyes... and lips and cheeks and nose... i only miss his face and his sweet side
Hahaha this is the greatest analogy
Unfortunately, this day and age our world is filled with Narcs! Us watching this, are chosen and set apart to see right through the BS! We are Warriors!
Amen to that 👍🏻
You are so right. The world is full of them.
I agree, you've put it very well!
It's stated that only 0,5 to 1% of the general population has NPD, I swear it must be at least 10% nowadays. Almost every 10th. person I meet makes my guts turn.
@@birdgirl8390 Yes, I feel the same. I have heard different data on that: 1 in every 7 people, 1 in every 10 people, etc. Who knows? The fact is that sadly, I feel it's very common now. ☹
I notice they are never in the present moment with you. Their eyes have that "grinding gears" and thinking 25 steps ahead look. If someone has to constantly predict what lies to tell to people in case of being questioned, they are not trustworthy
My ex says he is like a snooker player always thinks 5 steps ahead lol wonder why shouldn’t have to if telling the truth.
I kept telling my friend this. My ex narcissistic boyfriend had this look of evil I would always try to explain to my friends. I can go through my photo timeline and see the change in his eyes that reflects his behavior at the time. It’s scary.
And they don't listen to u as they are calculating, they listen only for key words to react to and get angry about.
Yes! Your observation is spot-on! Their minds are constantly on themselves and their schemes, getting what they want, coming out on top, etc. My ex bragged a lot about how he was always mentally several steps ahead of everyone else. Was never able to relax and enjoy what was happening in the moment. Pathetic.
One thing I noticed from early on.
Exploitation is the name of the narcissist’s game, absolutely.
A narcissist once ”threatened”
to self-harm during an argument, AFTER I had opened up about my my experience with it...disgusting
'They can argue all day long'. They argue, twist, backtrack, lie, invent and argue all their twisted logic and thoughts without ever getting tired doing so. It just seems to be a point scoring exercise for them.
My sister in law worms her way into the middle of other people’s events, starting by asking a ton of questions about the event, then acting as though she’s an expert on the subject and they ‘need’ her. Then she proceeds to steal the event from the person and make it about her. It’s really sickening. Doesn’t matter what the event is, a wedding, someone dying - she’s insanely jealous of the thought of someone else being the center of attention.
The narcissists I knew would say that I was a "top secret agent" which became a little joke he used when I wasn't comfortable disclosing personal information. Our convos felt like an interrogation, moreso than a light-hearted convo between friends. Crazy stuff.
I prefer not to demean. I find the best quiet response is "Wow, Nice"
Thank you, Dr. Carter, this is spot on. I wish I had heard this before I married and gave 38 years to a narcissist.
Shari Anderson,So sad to hear that,I think you deserve better
I am at 38yrs of it. I am In a personal revolution..A quite place. I would never know where to begin , even the closest to me are blinded. I am absolutely alone. And it seems..that’s how it is for those of us who got caught. We are tested more than ever in these times. Especially when the world event totally mirror our own situation. And funny enough, we know exactly all the ways humans get cheated, tricked, manipulated by trusted sources. We also know the end result. I feel sad for humanity, more than my own personal situation. Maybe I am clinging to that, so I can cope?
The safest relationship is no relationship.
@@Mama32566 That is the only relationship I have. I was referring to human relationships. Remember even Adam was lonely for human companionship. And that didn't work out well either. We are social beings but many are not holding up their end of the 'relationship'
It certainly leaves you depleted thinking you have nothing left to give to anyone else anyway so it wouldn’t even be fair to another person to even be in a relationship with you . But God did create us for companionship. He said it is not good for man to be alone . So , I guess I have to learn how to make better choices and set boundaries. It is so hard keeping your feelings of self worth intact when you are still in the situation though. Holding on the the Lord with everything I have left in me
@@amandas687 I don't think I have nothing to give. I have much to give. But I do expect the other person to participate in the relationship and not just be 'on the take'. Your comment about 'not being fair to the other person to even be in a relationship with me' makes me think you believe that a relationship needs to end if one person isn't 'getting'. This is WHY I am not pursuing relationships. It's all TAKE now.
U only get hurt when u play dating, mind games, disclose your secrets or personal family issues.....or not saying " no". Learn to say "No"!!!
Lol...i feel this way about friendship now
My supply store is closed. That ended my marriage and before even legally divorced and still living together in my house she found a new boyfriend to make her feel special like I used to before my self esteem was destroyed.
Thank you for sharing!
I like your solutions:
*Grounded self respect
*Trust your gut
*Healthy boundaries:)
I walked out of a narcissist situationship recently...this video accurately describes that person. I got goose pimples about the individual, and glad I made the right decision. Arguements were soo hitted over trivial matters, they do not listen, do not apologize, are always the victim, every bad description fits them.
“MY SUPPLY STORE IS CLOSED.” Great advice. I just gotta act on it now.
Holy cow, I have nearly all 8 to a high degree. No wonder I was such a target for my ex. It's been a long road out, but I've realized that I'm so much stronger than I ever thought I could be. I don't miss living with constant criticism, that's for sure.
OMG I literally just got out of a 10 month relationship with a narcissist and this is spot on! I’m so glad I got out. Knowing yourself, respecting yourself and setting clear boundaries with yourself is key!
Best wishes moving forward, Courtney!
That’s what caught me. Good company. Then I realized he has listening to figure out how to manipulate. He also could fine tune the smear campaign and keep me confused by cognitive dissonance. And he was deliberate because he told me he loves cognitive dissonance.
Their eyes dilate and their eyes lock in on you like a wolf. Plus they don't blink when they're doing their creepy narciness on you. It's like Invasion of the Body Snatchers.
Amen to that. My supply store is closed, good riddance! Now on to keeping myself motivated to reach my goals on my own
Yes!!!!!
It's hard to close the supply store when it's become a habit to feed their addiction. I choose to step way back from this narcissist in my life rather than to break off the relationship. I'm gradually lowering the supply to her. Since I started doing this, she has started throwing me emotional breadcrumbs (like paying me a compliment, which is out of character). I do know that her critical, demeaning and demanding side will return.
In other words, the cues by which demons find the angelic people to feed themselves with their pure energy
Yes .. they can spot you if you are too good with the light .. they are From the dark side
YES EXACTLY!! My x narc slipped it to me one day I said why do all u people hate me, I was genuinely crying he responded it's your light they want it. I was gobsmacked. BINGO!! 💡
My ex narc used to call me his little lamb. Super creepy in retrospect.
Exactly
That's what he did to me.
I was just discarded after 19 years when I stopped engaging. Literally took just a few months when COVID started and he moved on bc I was exhausted. It’s hard but I have my family back and I’m not going back to him. I’m getting better everyday.
They can get got like everyone else. They go too far with revenge. They want you to fear what they’ll do to psych you out before you try.
N.'s are like toddlers.
If their toy doesn't do what the toddlers wants the toy to do, the toddler throws it, stumps on it, rips it, crushes it, yells, etc. Then
Places blame elsewhere.
SUPPLY STORE CLOSED. AMEN.
No matter how we've grown and changed and fought this war in our head..they are dangery.because you feel..they don't
Remember folks, narcissists are relentlessly driven by their inner demons. That accounts for this sort of behavior.
No one acts this way unless they're full of internal demons. You're dealing with a very broken person.
@Lisa Rochwarg The Narcissist's INNER DEMONS 😵 ! How right you are ! They never know peace . The narcissist is A VERY BROKEN PERSON ! True , true , true . Well said . 😐
They are driven by their inner demons and after a while I have noticed that at times they are actually listening to a voice inside of their head, like they actually hear an audible voice. I've also noticed that most of them end up with dementia.
Oh my gosh you are so right. I did not know what narcissism was, even though I grew up in a house full of them, it was really typical behavior at home and I always felt sorry for them as a child. I didn’t understand or knew why? But narcissistic people do listen to voices, and horrible thoughts go through their heads, and they will naturally gravitate towards the empath. They really need a lot of help but will not seek it or admit it to themselves. And Instead they will seek to
1. Steal your heart!
2. Kill your Peace, and
3. Destroy your life!
They’re prowling around like lions... Only looking at Whom they can devour.
@@naomimeace5080 You just described the devil and his minions intentions. Kill, steal and destroy. Ultimately they want you dead in your sins so u can join them in HELL. They want your soul. Turn to Jesus He will heal your land.
Natalia Xo 😘 Yes I know, and so I went straight to The Lord 16 years ago. And I can say it was exactly like being born again! My life became New instantly! Just like if someone had pressed a fresh start button, and all my old ways just went away!!! 🤗🎁💞
When my kind, generous mom suddenly became critically ill, my narcissistic sister came up with the craziest excuses not to visit. She would have tantrums if I suggested she be there for Mom. When she did honour us with her presence, she would hijack conversations with doctors to talk about her own health. My mother died with a broken heart. Now that my mom has passed, my sister is suddenly available and giving orders. We are joint executors of the estate. It is a nightmare. The greed, the cruelty, the disrespect toward my mother’s memory (and towards me, of course) is jaw dropping. Plotting, scheming... she will do anything to get more money. My anger is interfering with my grief. I’m struggling. Thank you for the videos. I watch them before we have to meet to remind me to keep calm and not to feed her ego.
That is so awful, I'm so sorry for your loss of your mom, and that now it has turned into a battle with a demon. It's awful that you are joint executors. She is adding so much pain and rage to what is already painful, hijacking what should be your own personal grieving process. I wish you peace and protection.
I am not being glib here so please don't take this the wrong way but consider hiring an attorney to stand in your shoes, so to speak, as executor. It might be worth the fee not to have to deal with the headaches. I wish you the best.
So Sorry for your loss. Dealing with your narc when you're already hurting is probably like rubbing salt into a wound. Hang in there. Maybe A minimum contact just the facts strategy might reduce some of the energy draining burden of communicating with her. Best wishes to you.
@@blurrylights6344 I think that's a great suggestion.
Thank you for the support and kind words. My mom was not a wealthy woman and lived a simple life. Though she didn’t have a lot, she gave generously of her time and money to family, friends and animal charities. What I find most heartbreaking is the callousness with which my sister is treating my mom’s treasures. I found her favourite Christmas wreath crushed under a stack of boxes. It has no dollar value, so my sister didn’t care. She thinks she is too good for my mother’s things.
I am wondering if there is any connection between narcissism and hypochondria. My sister used to get attention for her looks, but now that she is in her 50s, it happens less often. She seeks attention through illness now. Maybe she was jealous of the attention my mom got while in the ICU...? I don’t know. She is certainly showing more anger and cruelty as she ages.
I had high blood pressure for years due to the torment I experienced by these narcs. Once I removed these stresses from my life my blood pressure returned to normal. They are a detriment to both your mental and physical health.
This man speaks nothing but the truth!! Wish I found these videos a lot sooner😖
This video was so helpful, and so true! I have been in recovery from narcissistic abuse for a few years now, and I am happy to say that I am now able to spot a narcissist coming from a mile away! I have a next door neighbor who has been trying to "groom" me ever since I moved in, about 6 months ago. He has been using various tactics, such as trying to gain my confidence, asking lots of personal questions but not sharing much about himself, etc. I don't trust him AT ALL, and he's not getting anywhere with me! He keeps saying "I'm not trying to hit on you, I just want to be friends, because I think we have a lot in common, and I think you're really smart". Ha! If you're not hitting on someone, then you have no reason to say that, because it would be self-evident! He also keeps saying that he "would never want to be pushy, or to offend me", which again if your not doing that, you have no reason to say it, it would be obvious!
Anyway, those narcissists are all around out there, even right next door. Don't fall for it! Remember, if someone has to keep telling you they're not doing something, they're ABSOLUTELY DOING IT!! 🤣
@@lioydwilliams1850 Thank you!
@@lioydwilliams1850 USA, also
@@lioydwilliams1850 Thank you for your interest, but I will have to end our interaction here. I don't give out personal contact info to people I don't know.
It took me decades to stop making excuses for people. Without stumbling upon these videos, and others, describing the disorder in detail, I would have continued. Dr. Carter is a Godsend.
So pleased on your behalf!
I love this video, just like I love being 72 years old! This is so much my mother, my sister, and many other people I have known in this long life. My best strategy is to be who I am and be ready to call their bluff. In all of my altercations over the years with narcissists, once I caught on to their ways, I have never lost a thing and I have thrived. Good boundaries, knowing who you are, not knuckling under to threats, and taking care of yourself to not be dependent on them in any way are all key. Don’t forget a good therapist to talk to and what they will teach
you. Thank you, Dr. Carter. I am a retired psych nurse, and I always recommend your videos to people. 👍🏼😁
Thank you for your wise words. 🦋
All people have narcissitic traits that dosent mean they are a narcissist = having NPD
How can I ever trust anyone anymore? 🙄 This is frustrating. I‘m too nice 🤔
Niceness is a fear response. Staying pleasant so one does not rock the boat or cause upset in anyone else. Niceness very rarely extends to yourself. It's always outward. Kindness is where your power lies, and it starts within. A calm, firm "no" or even walking away are acts of kindness, because they are authentic. They are aligned with how you truly feel. Start by trusting and honouring yourself. You can do this :)
He hit the nail on the head..wow! Took me years to do what he said..
Amber Fox brilliant post. What an important distinction.
@@MySoulRoared your comment is really good and makes a lot of sense and I'm going to screenshot it so I can reference it. I have a fear of making people angry because I grew up in an abusive household and I am too nice to people and niceness isn't s*** because if you're hiding your true emotions that's basically lying
@@somethinggood9267 I appreciate you sharing that with me, and I'm happy to have helped in any way. You can do this. Truly. Re-parenting ourselves is incredibly challenging and rewarding both on a personal and collective level. Being able to operate from a healthy, balanced and authentic set-point ensures the cycle of abuse ends with us. Standing in your power will change how you view the world and how the world views you. I wish you clarity, strength and joy!
I like the way he pronounces
"ego buh-cket"
with his accent.
such good information.
They're always taking notes to mirror, exploit, devalue and eventualy discard in the event those tfhings work against them instead❤.
I need Dr Carter to put a message on my phone announcing "Sorry but the supply store is permanently closed!!!" Just imagining the weird look on my narcs face is priceless!!
But you’re still hoping to get what you need from them then??
He is going to come over when you least expect it to take care of what he has to believe that
@@hectorcastro9768 Oh yeah they sure do. I just don't go to the door. 3 months no contact.
I love it.
I am terribly insecure as i grew up with absolutely no love...lonely, yup...i love companionship, the threat of abandonment always used against me. He would argue and change goalposts every second...when i lose it he felt above. He discounted my spirituality...gosh...i spent six hours cleaning his disgusting moldy kitchen, i disclosed my history hoping he would open up about his and heal...my feelings have been exploited and plunder...im so exahusted. Unfortunately because of sickness i depend on him.
"YouOweMe" Is the unspoken assertion in every action. Transparency is the solution.
This is so true..I’m constantly being told ,I it wasn’t for me you would be homeless you would lose everything if not for me...been in this since 2004...
What a terrible thing to hear, contemptuous and just plain mean to say the least. Best wishes. may you find the company that gives goodness and Grace to brighten your days.
Get out. There is no other way. Once you’re out, don’t look back.