Why Narcissists Predictably Cling To Anger
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- Опубліковано 28 лис 2024
- Each person experiences anger from time to time. Healthy people manage it constructively then move on toward higher priorities. Narcissists, however, are so consumed by the need for control, their anger holds them captive. They presumably wish to tap into [false] self-preservation, but in the end, they illustrate the anger only serves the purpose of covering hidden struggles with ineptitude.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder. Since creating his UA-cam channel, his videos have received more than 110 million views.
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They have ZERO self control, but demand absolute control of you. No thank you.
Anger makes them feel 'in control'!!!
So true. But actually, it's a sign of them "out of control". 😮
@@yukio_saito That's true also 👍
Because it intimidates all of the rest of us
👉❤When it comes to narcissists- they are one of the big reasons He is stepping in right now!🔥💪♥ He is coming to avenge!
Innocent go first- all the children of the world will disappear first then the adult believers.🥰 Jesus is coming back to pick up all those who accepted His free gift of His death for their sins. Yes, after 2 000 years He is coming back with promised salvation!🙌♥🥳
As He speaks through the prophets He is sickened by the world: lies, abuse amd manipulations.
Before He comes we will see Alaska's back to back earthquakes 7.6 and 7.3, we will also see Germany and Russia exchanging missiles. Jesus spoke of it all through his prophets! 🙌❤😊
Jesus removes His believers and then Apocalypse starts, do not be left for that! 🥹❤You can still call out to Him when kids are gone! Make sure you make Jesus your Lord and Saviour🙌❤He loves you like crazy! He sees you, ♥
😍
Trust in what He did on the cross for you! He died for our sins and then defeated the death by rising 3 days later!
!🙌❤🥹
yes and ironically they are out of control the more angry they get, and it just angers them more when you show them they can't scare you anymore or when they can't blame you.
They get angry about the dumbest stuff....
The shame-rage spiral never ends. It's a vicious cycle. 🌀
Yup 🤦♀️ the inner 2 year old who never separated from mother has black & white thinking for life 👩 no object constancy or whole object relations just stops growth in its tracks
It's all about them, no empathy no interest in others
Hurting people excites them. You can see it in their self-satisfied smirk.
It blows you away when you have confirmed their fake.
I've seen that smirk.
Well said!
Seen that smirk too. Not a fan!
There is no managing their displaced, unwarranted, never ending anger! NO-CONTACT!!
and also constant gaslighting and saying let s solve this together, when all they do is cross boudaries and enjoy provoking . Very sadistic
It’s interesting that control freaks can’t CONTROL their anger.
They're not insightful enough to figure that one out...seriously.
@@SurvivingNarcissism - Yes, they aren’t even aware that they are controlling! 🤦🏻♀️
Anger is familiar to the narcissist. It's a go-to. "Hello darkness my old friend"..., excerpt from "The Sound Of Silence", Simon & Garfunkel.
Gaining Control from causing cHaOs, so to say.
ThankU4 video, DrCarter.
Anger, jealousy, fear of being unmasked are the only real emotions they feel.
Our daughter says that everyone has a "drug" that they use for their coping mechanism. She told her father ( the narc) that ANGER was his WEED. That ANGER and lashing out was his high.
She was 15 when she said this.
Smart girl
Well I heard that, daughter,to daddy, hey kid that's the best insight, you had this gold star at not 15, years, you was probably 5, years, old daughter, plus cool daughter, your right about , man give me my drug, sex, anger, maybe not your dad full blown, I mean to tell ya, some narcissist or to robot child, or something, hec give me my drug, i dont care, im sorry daughter, how you sense this ordeal, man ,your right, this mess is hard core, drug , hec , you haven't met my old sister, im sorry, plus don't add real drugs, to a broken heart, im sorry, hec, these folks can corrupt, just stay with go team healthy, state your name, in Texas, Linda, is one person, you folks, be ok, im sorry, dont match pitch,
Food for thought. I always felt that my ex experienced monthly hormonal episodes and that she was addicted to his anger. Well before being a rage alcoholic was a thing, that’s a wise 15-year-old. I’m curious if her father took any blessings from that comment.
Wow, the daughter should study to be Doctor Psychology
Wow amazing
Trying to resolve an argument with a narc, is like hitting your head against a brick wall. Walk away, save your breath, sanity, and health. They're impossible to deal with.
Anger was the only emotion my nex could authentically display. All other emotions he seemed to have to fake.
I’m having a giggle thank you that is true 100% and that is so telling of who we are you found the bright side I am still just cracking up thank you thank you thank you.
Power and control 💯💯💯
You have hit the nail bang on the head. The energy put into the anger is immense too.
So so true...you hit the nail on the head, concerning a Narc!
wow; great Education❤❤
I love that Gus is part of our healing process.
When someone becomes adversarial for the sake of being adverse, it's easy to understand why the rest of us become "frozen." How do you meet illogic with logic? Stay true to you! And stay healthy!
You make a lot of sense, Bara.
Exactly
Dr Ramani says that narcissists will pick at you until they get you to blow up.
I believe that , they push at your resilience til you react to their abuse and oppression of your life being of your own choosing
It's one of their specialties! Gotcha!
When I said to my mom 8 mths ago that her outbursts were no longer accepted, she continued in her anger while asking when she EVER did that...I made the mistake of describing a perfect example where she was horrid, but her response was utter shock, continuing to yell and said "THAT didn't happen like that!!". I took so many steps away from our relationship in that last conversation. Done with the gas lighting, anger, and cruel outbursts. This is a mother who would read my diary and go through my drawers. Done.
This is how I am being set up.
@@DogMomCMF I hear you. The one that really drove a big wedge between us was when she said “why would you ever make something like that up.? in the end I had little to no trust in her. Very sad.
Finally reached the end after 45 years of marriage. YES - 45! I always operated from the commitment I seriously had made of " 'til death parts us," until the day came not too long ago that he told me outright, angrily and loudly, that he doesn't care about me, doesn't care about what I want, what would make me happy, or even what I need. No care whatsoever. Yet he clearly expected I would have no choice but to keep living with him, just putting up with it. Suddenly, in that moment it was over inside of me. It felt like an internal trap door swung open, draining out all the little remaining compassion I had for him.
Now, he'll spend the rest of his life / retirement still full of that bottomless well of anger and venom bubbling up, anger that I never caused. However, he'll have no one close by to dump it on. I expect he'll keep scapegoating me as the villain to his family, but I no longer care about them either. They've all evinced some level or another of narcissism for decades, and they've practiced it per how their holier-than-though covert-narc minister father modeled for them. Well, now they can find their pleasure, I suppose, in getting together and jointly backstabbing me and others until the cows come home. It still won't do them any good. Meanwhile, I'm done and I'm on my way to a new life.
Thank you, Dr. Carter, for all the guidance and care you've afforded so many of us that brought us back to sanity and a sane capacity for dealing with our own dark narcs.
You’re stronger than you realize. 😊
So glad you freed yourself! I wish my sister-in-law would divorcey narc brother. I love her and he has treated her like shi* going back to highschool. They've been married for 46 years. She almost left him 2 years ago. She keeps hanging on.
Good luck to you and I hope you have many years of happiness, contentment and peace! ❤
I met that man who left a 45 year marriage because his wife was done & went to live with their son 🤦♀️ I’m here to tell you that they just get worse & always end up alone 👩 after using me then he deceived a woman who went to school with his own daughter, but he got caught in his online affair while trying to hook up with her in his hometown! I made sure that both the ex as well as the new supply understand narcissism
Even before it is said, implied in every way.
Prayers and blessings ❤️ 🙏
Anger only damages the vessel that contains it the angry man never wins in life
That's true.
They only find another reason to get angry.
The narcissist's anger is the centerpiece in their passive aggressive, competitive, disagreeing with everything their victim's say, and reactive abuse behaviors.
My sister dismisses most of what I say. If she doesn’t outright dismiss it because what I’m saying is too uncontroversial, she grudgingly, with pursed lips, agrees or at least lets it pass.
I’ve been intimidated by her anger all my life and am for the first time really trying to stand up to her. We’re soon going to have to organise the cremation of my father together. This is a big test for me….even though I’ve resolved to have no desires or preferences or anything like that. I’m going to go with the flow, but without being influenced by her anger. That’s going to be hard….i’ll probably fail.
You see, I’ve asked her if she would be ok with burying my father at the place where my husband, who died very young, lies, and I’m sure you can guess what the answer was - even though she makes no secret of how poorly she thinks of my father, and that she’s “glad he has dementia”, and whilst also saying she doesn’t want him interred near her (which I said would be fine if she wanted that.)
That’s fine, she has no obligation to do that for me, I’ve put the wish out of my head as soon as the rather haughty refusal came in. I’m going to be genuinely pleasant and cooperative, and after we’ve organised my father’s cremation I am stepping out completely. Obviously not because of this incident alone.
Why am I telling you guys all this?
Oh well, it’s been on my mind a lot. This has lasted such a long time….Actually my lovely father has something to do with it, because when I wanted to step away from her long ago he said I couldn’t, it would hurt him. So I stayed put. Mind, I’ve said the same thing to him, when he once wanted to end contact with my sister. I said “you can’t do that, this is your daughter, that’s a firm no-no.” So we’ve kept each other in line, I guess….
Then this past year I finally realised fully that there is no relationship between my sister and me. That’s been hard to acknowledge. There is nothing. All emptiness. I’d like to really talk with her but that’s not an option. There are many forbidden subjects. And she often warns me that if I dare go here or there in the conversation…She does a lot of angry warnings. I’m too old for this. I feel sorry for her because I know she’s not at peace, but I insist on having some sort of genuine relationship, not this empty farce that passes for one.
Most people (not her daughters) believe she is an unusually wise, loving and even modest, slightly shy woman. Oh dear. I’ve had friends of mine telling me what a warm person my sister is, and that they don’t understand I have a problem with her. Perhaps not so surprisingly, the one person who was immediately on to my sister is my narc ex (partner after my husband, who wasn’t a narc at all.) “She’s trying to charm me” he said when he met her for the first time, and “she neglects you in a terrible way.” This was when my ex Narc was as yet just my friend, and one day after my husband unexpectedly died. My sister was engrossed in my friend, and dismissed whatever I said, until I just stopped saying anything. One of the loneliest moments of my life. I sat by myself as these two were engrossed in each other.
Sorry for possibly boring you all with such details. It’s just that it’s a story that I can tell almost no one. “I’m sorry, but I met your sister and I think she is a really nice, warm woman”, as another friend of mine said.
Oh, one detail just to make it a little more credible to you all that maybe my sister isn’t quite as warm as my own friends believe, and maybe I’m not totally crazy: she told me a few years ago how she handles men. That she puts her hand on their arm and listens with great pretend interest, er cetera, and that this is how you can bend any man to your will.
I had no idea she was so explicitly aware she does this. I thought she didn’t really realize how she charms people in an ungenuine way, thought it was sort of involuntary.
Ah well. My therapist says she thinks my sister has some anti-social traits, and you know what that made me think? That I’ve painted a false picture of my sister because that can’t possibly be true. I’m confused. Narcissistic I totally see, but anti-social? That just seems a step too far. You know, I have no idea. I still think from time to time I just exaggerate things. And that I’m “over-sensitive.”
So, I just apologised for getting into all these details, and then I got into more. Ah well. If you read to the end, thanks.
@@i.ehrenfest349you wrote so much I am 100% sure you are overly sensitive
@@Kekkeri59 Well, what is for you the meaning of “overly sensitive”?
@@i.ehrenfest349 Glad you told your story, it seems that you have much to take off your chest.
Also, do not mind judgemental people. They may have their opinion, but it is, ultimately, just that: their opinion, not a fact. Certainly not something that would be of any use for you, since it says about them, not about you.
And your story is along the lines, I believe, of many others. Those are the kind of things that make us learn never to feel validated, and it is horrible; also sayings this from experience. Hope your decision works out well for you.
@@CinzaChumbo Thanks Gustavo, very kind
They can't communicate whatsoever so they also cover that inability with anger.
Anger is their normal, without it there is no excitement in life for them.
That is so accurate. They literally live for anger.
If the justification for anger isn't there, they create it.
@@idagirl814
It's so bizarre, living with people who are angry all the time. And when you grow up with parents like that you don't see it when you get into a relationship as it seems normal. It can take years to realise there are people who don't shout verbal abuse at you every day when you live with them. 🙄
Love how chilled out Gus is in the background.
narcs cling to anger... so many people are angry these days. After healing and much awareness, I feel so free just to enjoy life, be who I'm supposed to be, and take what life throws at me with dignity and grace. I don't react to things anymore, keep a steady head, and know my words have consequences. Recovery is possible from these nasty people.
Anger is the primary tool of all narcissists. That's what works best for them.
The narcissist will get so angry it is embarrassing 😳
My sister will get angry in a hot minute, basically anytime I open my mouth. I can say the most innocuous thing, and she will use it to try to tear me to shreds. It is particularly bad when we are around other family members, bc she has to assert her dominance over me, bc she is jealous of me. My mere presence sets her off.
I had to walk away from my sister 7 years ago. Her and my mom are exactly alike, yet they don't talk to each other either. Both are gas lighters, angry from childhood trauma, and out to control everything around them. I say, peace out. ❤
Wow, exact same. I don't have to say a word. All I have to do is be in the room and she suddenly goes into a rage.
Try laughing a little, shaking your head, and walking away? I may have also said to people like you describe things like: "When you behave like this, I simply have to see you as worthless."
👉❤When it comes to narcissists- they are one of the big reasons He is stepping in right now!🔥💪♥ He is coming to avenge!
Innocent go first- all the children of the world will disappear first then the adult believers.🥰 Jesus is coming back to pick up all those who accepted His free gift of His death for their sins. Yes, after 2 000 years He is coming back with promised salvation!🙌♥🥳
As He speaks through the prophets He is sickened by the world: lies, abuse amd manipulations.
Before He comes we will see Alaska's back to back earthquakes 7.6 and 7.3, we will also see Germany and Russia exchanging missiles. Jesus spoke of it all through his prophets! 🙌❤😊
Jesus removes His believers and then Apocalypse starts, do not be left for that! 🥹❤You can still call out to Him when kids are gone! Make sure you make Jesus your Lord and Saviour🙌❤He loves you like crazy! He sees you, ♥
😍
Trust in what He did on the cross for you! He died for our sins and then defeated the death by rising 3 days later!
!🙌❤🥹
My daughter is like that
I think some people find anger reassuring, so reassuring that they will then cherish and nurse grudges about being prevented from violating someone else's rights for decade after decade.
Odd but true, Darryn.
The anger, the silent treatment/ghosting, the unpredictable triggers.....done.
I'm going to rewatch this video over & over again to remind myself my mother's anger had nothing to do with me. I didn't do anything to deserve the treatment she gave me.
Thank you, Dr. C ❤
Glad it resonated!
7:20 "They just have anger and they need someone to pour that anger into"
Thank you this helps me profoundly 🌼
You didn't walk by our home and hear laughter, music, happiness. You heard arguing, yelling and conflict. Nothing peaceful came out of that house. She was angry, all the time. She was so angry, she woke angry. Ugh
My parents used their anger daily to scare us into obedience. They both loved to watch us jump up and run to comply. They congratulate each other and gloat about it.
Hi Susan, since you’ve grown up amid all that anger - have you been able to expunge it in your own life? Which can be hard…
I have a mother and "husband" in like manner
Omg😢 I'm so sorry
Narcissists are evil.
I've said my very existence makes them angry.
Anger is the easy way out! When they’re angry; fully emersed in the ‘poor me’ victim mentality, it’s easier to be mad and blame every else for your suffering. Accepting accountability IS strength, vulnerability, and acceptance that YOU have a hand IN the issues of the relationship. Mine has been angry for 24yrs- he knows his anger will deter me from ‘fighting’ which is me just sharing emotions, or trying to resolve our issues, or things he has done that hurt me, or our family. They have NO desire to accept ANY responsibility 💯
Mine did the same to deter me from speaking up and saying how I felt. In the end I had to write everything down in a journal because I felt like I was going to lose my marbles, because I wasn’t “allowed” to speak. i’m sending you so much love for everything you have had to go through and the pain that he has caused you because of his disgusting attitudes towards life.
Yup this is my mother. Perpetually angry and blaming others for her own bad life decisions and never taking accountability or making an effort to improve or change.
Neighbor suggested I start listening to you. After I watched several, I went next door & said to her, " Can you imagine me sitting across from Dr. Carter and telling him the horrible names Ive been called?" She said, " It wouldnt shock him, he's heard it all before." Thank you so much. You are right on the mark as if you actually know my person. I have removed myself from the vortex of rage and these help so much! Ty so much & cuddles to Gus!!
Tell your neighbor thanks for spreading the word, and I'm glad you are open to new insights. It's so refreshing for you to have a supportive friend. And Gus says thanks too. #TeamHealthy
I’m so happy for you that you are finally getting the help and support that you need after living with an abusive crazy person. I hope that you get your complete freedom and joy back soon as possible. Keep going to remove yourself from this insane person’s way of being in the world. I have been called really terrible names as well sometimes just completely out of the blue. It’s so hurtful isn’t it. I send it out there to the universe that you will be safe and free as soon as possible.
@@andreacook6000
Me too.
I'm sitting in another room to get away from a narc right now and all they have done for hours is rage at me from the other rooms. Shouting names, trying to shame you with terrible insults and gaslighting. I'm ignoring it but they don't need any input to keep raging. 🙄
Hello everyone.
I'm a narcissist's punching bag.
And I'm here to absorb
narcissist's self-loathing and self-disgust.
Yes, compassion can be a pain in the a**.
Same.
No narcissist deserves our compassion.
If you give compassion to a narcissist you have opened a vein to a vampire. 🙄
My mother seems to think people have only two emotions anger and sadness, she has no idea about people and I really doubt she ever did.
The beatings from both Narc parents got progressively worse. No control whatsoever. My siblings and I have the broken bones and surgery to prove it. Thank God and neighbors we survived!!!!
My NM’s comment “I could fall out with the stones under my feet” tells me all I need to know about her inability to self soothe and her constant irritability and anger. She’s 82 now and has no friends or family that want to be around her. She’s going to her grave lonely, angry and bitter but totally unable to see that it’s her own fault.
Wow!!! They like feeling anger and being angry whilst us folk dislike feeling angry. That says alot
Anger gives them a false sense of credibility, perpetual victimhood bc they’re too weak to handle the truth
Gus is demonstrating being in a place of peace. ♥
When the Narc's mask finally begins to "slip"...they will stubbornly hold onto "Hatred"... fearing that when "Hate" slips...
the only remaining friend that accompanies them to the Grave
is named.... PAIN!
Oh wow, that is so accurate.
Personally, I've been holding onto anger lately too, because it's my defense against my mother's tendency to make me feel sorry for her, and then manipulate me into acting for or against others on her behalf. As long as I stay angry at her, she can't make me feel sorry for her. Then she can't use my sympathy for her own purposes.
I relate to this. Honestly it works. That anger is the part of you that loves you and wants to protect you
Im angry tho, from being betrayed by the narc over and over.
I understand that you are saying that they need an object for their anger, and one just ends up being in the wrong place at the wrong time. But in some cases, it is very personal when they are jealous of you. Then you really are a “cause” of their anger.
He makes that clear in other videos as well ❤
You're not the cause of their anger. They try and trick you into believing that bs.
Apart from all the good advice that Dr. C gives in each of his videos, it's such a joy to see his lovely dog Gus, chilling out there ... Gives the impression that maybe Dr. C and Gus go for a good walkies each day just before the video is captured ... When both of them enjoy themselves, probably immensely, and Gus is perfectly prepared for a good nap afterwards, while Dr. C is relaxed and centred to deliver his ideas and help to us - who find ourselves in a blessed state of being able to reflect and learn -from them. Thankyou for everything, Dr C and lovely laid-back Gus.
We should all follow Gus's example: Take a nap!
You speak truth. In fact, Gus and I just came in from a pleasant after-dinner walk. He keeps me humming!
What a lovely idea. ❤
Anger, when unchecked and not channelled in a healthy way is destructive not only to VNA. It's dangerous to the narc as well. The release of adrenaline and cortisol to name a couple, damage the body. The optimal level of arousal is moderate and not extreme. Narcs also eventually run out of energy from the psyche. This personality style is exhausting and sets the narcissist up for collapse. It's like running out of gas. It's interesting to note that what underlies narcissistic personality styles is pathology. An ongoing and pervasive pattern of maladaptive behavior. Aware of their actions and oblivious to consequences. They run. And run. Eventually exhausting supply. This is especially true as they age.
Happy someone wrote this, wondering about this question for a long time ! Thanks*
@@PantaRhei-wz5zn You're very welcome!
Thank you for helping me find my peace while living with a narcissist. You have taught me how to recover my sanity. When you are the whipping boy, it can be so all encompassing that it threatens to remove WHO you are. You have helped me cope and survive.
The narc husband believes he's the baddest man in the land.....however, only dusplays it toward women, children, and animals. He's definitely shown himself to be a very cowardly, inept, irresponsible, and disrespectful. Highly disappointing. And as they age, they most definitely get worse. He's 51. My mother, who was the first narc in my life, 83. Horrible people, indeed.
Life is just to short to be around these toxic personality types. Many good genuine kind people out there. Spend your energy on people that are worth it. NOT the narcissist!
...if only we always had that option to chose! :-( but yes, I totally agree with you - in theory :-)
Gus also gave quite a "performance". 😍 He is so sweet and spreads good mood. Thank you to Gus for his valuable "service" in giving an example how to be in Peace! ❤
I've noticed a pattern with their anger, looking back. In my narc family system, if I could ever get them alone, we got along fine, as if they were a different person. I could somehow draw the goodness out of them. But when three or more of us got together they would change completely and it turned abusive quickly.
First, one of them would start immediately picking on me or whoever they perceive as the weakest among the group (I come from a large family). Triangulation bonded them to each other and emboldened them. Eventually their joking behavior turned aggressive and after they were done tearing or physically beating down the easy one, again, usually me, they'd start picking fights with each other.
It always, and I mean ALWAYS ends with them turning on the other narcs. Every. Single. Time.
THEN they always act like nothing happened and expected me to as well. Ha! I quit playing along with their sick game decades ago but it's interesting to look back at it now in hindsight. What a dysfunctional mess and what a weird way to live your life.
Yes! This was my family, not safe. Victim blaming seems to be big, maybe it's the wrong term.
They attack something about you, regardless of how you feel about it and puts you on the defensive.
I hate to say I still see my sibling do this.
It is one thing to do it to immediate family but when you see it done to your children it goes to another level.
Some families are just not meant to spend a lot of time together, it just isn't healthy!
@@Summer_Harvest Yes and it's hard to explain it to people who don't have these really aggressive and toxic dynamics that happen only when three or more get together. Or the narcs act different in public than with family so it just doesn't compute to outsiders that this can happen. It's very strange. I prefer to just be honest and my real self all the time. And kind. It's much easier to be nice than all that drama and fighting!
@@chelleb3055 Yes, it is hard to explain. We are so fortunate to each other here, to hear others who have been through it and understand. ❤️🩹
Sure is!!
The Narc in my life doesn’t want to HONESTLY face her own fears and weaknesses. ❤ Amen Doctor.
does any narc?!
Thank-you, Dr. Carter for explaining the anger. It was awful. This is another podcast I'm keeping in my library, too.
It is true anger fit games are their tools to control, inflict pain,elevate their self-worth while throwing rages. It is almost comical as their behavior is very predictable ,but the emotional trauma they cause is traumatic all to often.
I experienced this for years with siblings. Once I learned about narcissism, two years ago, I removed myself and returned home,to the opposite side of the country and comprehended reason to love them from afar ,for my self value,but have NO contact with them.
I have found my self worth again and am 💃 🕺 🦮 ☕️, dancing, dog walker for Guide Dogs, coffee time at my cute cafe of my choice,etc.
Life is rewarding. We deserve to be happy and worthy.
❤ 🙏 ❤
Good to hear. I‘be been experiencing a lot of anger lately.
Gus looks like a happy guy. I like to see that.
The two people you describe in the beginning describe my soon-to-be former boss and my deceased father-in-law. My stb former boss insists that preschoolers deserve corpporal punishment! She would often treat myself and our co-worker like children and expect adult behavior from the 3-5 year-old children that we taught. Somehow she stayed in the same agency for 41 years, despite not being great at what she did (besides doing just about anything they asked her to do). She wants to come back as a sub in the fall, but I don't think anyone wants her in their classroom (especially me, LOL). Anyways, I have accepted the fact that they are the problem and not me, and I learned how NOT to treat others from her, so not all is lost. My in-laws are a whole 'nother story that I could write a book about. I am low/no contact and it is for the best. Thank you, again, for sharing these important truths!
I'm not going to tangle with you in your unhealthyness! Amen Dr. C. and thank you so much!
If I told my brother that I want to work with him together to repair everything, hed fake it the entire way. I decided 3 years ago that Im done. My mental health is more important than dealing with an authoritarian nasty angry fake inauthentic individual.
No contact will set you free.
Narcissists believe they alone are important. They respond with terrifying anger if criticized. They rage when they feel they're losing control. Only if there are others around is it safe to be with them. Thanks for this great 👍video, Dr.Carter !
Oh, Dr. Carter. My abusive boss put me on a PIP that had no clear reason for being written (which is kinda the purpose of the PIP), and when I shared it with my therapist, she pointed it out as an act of aggression, saying every single sentence began with “You”, which is unprofessional but also all a narcissist knows how to do. I quit soon after ❤
You...their most overused word!
Thank you Dr Carter as this is so true. They are disturbed people who cause destruction to themselves and others. They even use their own children. Far better to steer clear, uplift others, and live a life of service to folks whom can be helped. These folks sadly cannot but such is life
Mine is using my stepdaughter who I love so much. He will not let me see her. 🥲🥲🥲
I am dealing with separating myself from my narc spouse right now. He goes from acting just like he always has (controlling, angry, playing the victim, etc) to pretending nothing is wrong and trying to kiss me and getting hugs. He pretends we haven't had multiple conversations where he wants to "fix" the relationship, and I tell him he needs to change how he treats people before any relationship he has will be healthy. Then he acts sugar sweet for a while, and I know it is all fake...because then he will start taking his anger out on one of his teen boys (I'm stepmom) Nothing has changed. will be so glad to be out.
I made the mistake of calling him out on being so fake around the grandchildren because he was so quick to anger but is now spoiling.
He has the 2 youngest of the 4 fooled, their mom plays him up.
Their sweet act never lasts for too long, just when you think they've begun to mellow out.. out comes the anger and rage. Good for you! Hopefully the kid can make it out in time!
Thank you for therapy...
You are quite welcome. Pleased to be on the path with you.
"argue with a tree stump": 😂😂😂
They're going to seek someone out before resorting to a 🌲 tree stump. 😅
My late stepfather tried to control and manipulate me with his anger and rage. And he did not take any responsibility for it. He also just focused on me and my wrongness and badness.
I hope you know you do not have those qualities as he was projecting his badness and wrongness onto you.
This hits the nail on the head! It’s SO true.
Do you need to cling to anger? Well life is too short. Coming to these sessions I have come to understand the narc. I know what to expect. He is so predictable, and I just move on. He’s boring. My narc has offered to help me out with something, and then has disappeared. After years of playing games I have decided not to play any more. I am moving on. Time is too precious. Thanks for liberating me. I don’t care what narc feels. My life is MINE.
Thank you so much! This is exactly what I’m experiencing in my marriage. I will no longer engage. I know this is not me but is the gaslighting and anger to avoid his inner demons. It’s not my battle.
George Eliot said it best: Shallow natures dream of an easy sway over the emotions of others, trusting implicitly in their own petty magic to turn the deepest streams, and confident, by pretty gestures and remarks, of making the thing that is not as though it were. (from Middlemarch)
Sympathetic Nervous System- fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. Anger is our fight response. Fire up that amygdala to reduce your stress response.
How?
@@Summer_Harvest i do mixed martial arts. It changed my life in so many ways. It’s the perfect outlet to deal with ptsd
@@Summer_Harvest The Tapping Solution 😁
@@danielle1103 Thank you
👉❤When it comes to narcissists- they are one of the big reasons He is stepping in right now!🔥💪♥ He is coming to avenge!
Innocent go first- all the children of the world will disappear first then the adult believers.🥰 Jesus is coming back to pick up all those who accepted His free gift of His death for their sins. Yes, after 2 000 years He is coming back with promised salvation!🙌♥🥳
As He speaks through the prophets He is sickened by the world: lies, abuse amd manipulations.
Before He comes we will see Alaska's back to back earthquakes 7.6 and 7.3, we will also see Germany and Russia exchanging missiles. Jesus spoke of it all through his prophets! 🙌❤😊
Jesus removes His believers and then Apocalypse starts, do not be left for that! 🥹❤You can still call out to Him when kids are gone! Make sure you make Jesus your Lord and Saviour🙌❤He loves you like crazy! He sees you, ♥
😍
Trust in what He did on the cross for you! He died for our sins and then defeated the death by rising 3 days later!
!🙌❤🥹
Clinging to their anger also means they are continuing to play a victim act, and they love to be seen as both a victim, and an underdog who they expect everybody else to cheer. If they can't be angry at you, they will constantly bring up random people from their past who they claim to hate, often for stupid or very little reason.
I once had a chat group that was set up as a means of self-therapy for my ex-friend the narcissist. I didn't know she was a narc at that time and believed she truly had been a victim who no one cared to listen to.
So I let her rage herself in that chat. Trouble is, she didn't want to rage as herself. She used the chat as a playground for her angry Star Wars characters, and had them shouting at her past enemies on her behalf.
And she still spewed her anger out in other chats besides.
It got to the point where I and someone else had to tell her that this crap she was whining about happened years before, it wasn't a big deal to begin with all things considered, and we had been supportive and helpful as we could, but now it was time she just let it go already.
She ditched three of us friends a year ago and is still raging in anger against us now, we are her new enemies. Because we finally set boundaries and she couldn't handle it.
Dr C I've been watching your videos for a while now, and everything you said makes so much sense, I'm married to a covert narcissist, 42 of those years I was in the darkness in 2020 God opened my eyes and 4 years later I'm still here but I can see a whole lot clearer now. Thanks for your videos and all that you do to help me and others that's going through the same thing ❤
Thanks, Alice.
Perfect! In two days I face him in court and all the documents he sent over are just dripping with anger lashed with greed. This has hit the mark. Very good preparation for the battle. Plus, I have a good lawyer.
🙏🏻 gratitude to you sir
So nice of you. Thanks.
If I was to divide the psychology of human mind it would fall the under influence of love or lack of love referred to as narcissism that eventually manifest itself as anger and rage.
Fred, you make so much sense. BTW, that's quite a pic of you!! I'd sure like to meet you in person.
@@SurvivingNarcissism oh Dr.C it would be a dream come true for me, meeting you on you tube listening to your teaching and getting to know as far as the distance between us permit has been biggest highlight of my life please take care of yourself and your family and Gus.
💜
👉❤When it comes to narcissists- they are one of the big reasons He is stepping in right now!🔥💪♥ He is coming to avenge!
Innocent go first- all the children of the world will disappear first then the adult believers.🥰 Jesus is coming back to pick up all those who accepted His free gift of His death for their sins. Yes, after 2 000 years He is coming back with promised salvation!🙌♥🥳
As He speaks through the prophets He is sickened by the world: lies, abuse amd manipulations.
Before He comes we will see Alaska's back to back earthquakes 7.6 and 7.3, we will also see Germany and Russia exchanging missiles. Jesus spoke of it all through his prophets! 🙌❤😊
Jesus removes His believers and then Apocalypse starts, do not be left for that! 🥹❤You can still call out to Him when kids are gone! Make sure you make Jesus your Lord and Saviour🙌❤He loves you like crazy! He sees you, ♥
😍
Trust in what He did on the cross for you! He died for our sins and then defeated the death by rising 3 days later!
!🙌❤🥹
My notion is "anger kills the heart"for the narc and people around them....relationships flee and are hesitatent to come back..if at all.Appericate video and topic Dr.C❤
That talk about toxic masculinity was very good the other day. I never really thought about the points made before.
I had a pair of clippers disappear on me. I searched repeatedly for them and even raked the bed I was working in. The guy I suspected haven't taken them as a gaslight.. found them as I expected. Hand claw.. also magically disappeared right where I was using it as he was in the vicinity... I've seen this before.. years ago.. I actually caught them hiding my tools
The question I am asking myself is why I am so predictable?! Why am I so accountable for every transaction? I report before I am even asked to account! Why do I feel responsible to everyone?
I am here because I am predictable, they know what matters most to me. I played right into this!
Someone commented 'know thyself', which took me back to the movie scene in 'God's Not Dead'😒. Why am I even writing this? IDK, because I am angry at myself and I don't know how to handle it.
certainty, protection from gaslighting, maybe? habits you develop as an offensive to abuse. narcs are unpredictable, you self protect by being predictable? just a few thoughts. they suck, be angry with them, not yourself. better yet - try to be AMBIVALENT toward them. that's what i'm working on, personally. not giving a fk. being angry with yourself plays into their hands. be PROUD of yourself - they got away with their mental abuse for so long BECAUSE YOU SEE OTHERS AS YOU ARE, not the way they see others, which is AS THEY ARE. that, my friend, is all the evidence you should need to prove to yourself that it's NOT YOU. you are not the problem in your world or THE world. and i know it sucks b/c often evil wins, lack of conscience gives them the upper hand, but time is long and eventually there'll be a real "great reset" and evil wi;l have to start at the beginning once again....sorry i went a bit too philosophical there. just remember, that you're here and they are out there wreaking havoc, means you're on the right side of life and eternity.
You were trained to be accountable for your actions and thoughts, etc. You were expected to explain yourself, even though those explanations brought you grief or punishment. Everything about you was questioned, and knowing your intentions were above board, you complied by answering. Perhaps you even hoped that your good example would somehow rub off on them, and they, too would “do better.” Sorry, Teresa. Been there myself, and this is what I deduced after asking myself the same questions.
@@SandraII-in9sl I account for a simple trip to the CU to pay bills, how much and where it went.
I get , What are you doing now?Who I am driving...where next, what I just did.
So last night I went to a movie. I wasn't missed, I left my phone home and it was good.
@@aaronkwolfe Exactly, wondering if Iwas proving my actions from the start or because of parental alienation?
Thinking if that is what my mother did to my father.
@@Summer_Harvest Not sure. Betting you have a compliant nature that was used against you.
I ran at 10 months married.
No more.
I got tired of having my jaw hit the floor in shock and amazement.
You did well to get away.
My narcissistic mother is a bully to the extent that she is essentially a psychological predator.
I am convinced that she worked as a nurse because that provided a dynamic where she was in a constant position of power over other adults whose health had rendered them 100% vulnerable, thus enabling my mother to be in a position of authority not often challenged. And so she would smile and laugh with her dependant patients, playing the part of the virtuous healer - and come home to verbally beat me up and shame me, because she could. She thinks of herself as 'nice'. I absolutely hate her.
Thats a frustrating scenario. And these people do that to frustrate
Thankyou ❤
Oh my gosh! I guessed the word “YOU” before you said it! “You’re supposed to do…”, “YOU said!”, “YOU are THIS way!” I’ve rarely ever had my name used by the narcissist. I’ve been called “YOU” many times in contempt though. A daughter-in-law that has made me a scapegoat for 14+ years, convinced our son I’m a horrible person, and now we can’t see our 5 grandchildren after investing so much into their young lives. Hardest thing we’ve ever gone through, but learning to forgive, pray for her, and live in the present for the healthy relationships we have. One day at a time. I so appreciate all the guidance I’ve received from your channel, Dr. C. And I appreciate the times you’ve addressed grandparent alienation. Tough subject for a reason.
I have been alienated from my stepdaughter who I co-parented since she was 6 1/2 she’s about to turn 17. I am in so much distress over this I can hardly tell you but I know you understand after reading what you said. If you ever want to talk about it more please write to me. It’s really good to read these comments because it helps me so much to not feel alone in this complete confusion I’m in sometimes with how they act. It is ruthless. Sending my thoughts to you and your loved ones.
I’m so sorry you are walking through alienation too. It’s tough stuff for sure. I am trying to keep my focus on all the good connections I have. The pain is real, but I do find daily counting my blessings and naming them one by one truly helps. I don’t want to miss today by letting the narcissist overshadow the good. 🙏🏽❤️🩹And their behavior does cause confusion because it’s nonsensical in the truest sense of the word. Healthy people don’t think like narcissists. Learning about the patterns has really helped me not be blindsided any more by their behavior. I’m only responsible for my choices, and even in the pain of loss, I choose to be a free person.
35 years with my wife ......... frustration .............. I'm now finally figuring her out because of these vids.
Keep learning!
@@SurvivingNarcissism .. 🙂
Thank you! It feels like a lack of commitment effort on their part. One requires consideration, the other requires victimhood. One takes work, the other is.just easy.
By the way can you give Gus an extra hug or good petting? He’s awesome
Consider it done!!
Wow OMG This Dr. C is truth bullseye , this is the play book, thank you thank you!
Another great perspective, thank you Dr. Carter!
Glad it was helpful!
Narcs need to cling to anger, because:
1. Establish dominance
2. Diminish you, the recipient
3. Keep the focus off of their inadequacies
In their anger they show:
1. "I am not at peace with myself."
2. "I feel pain, I feel hurt."
3. "Life confuses and disappoints me."
Be aware:
》The anger serves a function for them
》They are highly focused on you what you make them feel
》Anger allows them to blame and accuse
》They do not want to face their inner demons and therefore they have to scapegoat s.o.
》They feel inept in conflict resolution skills
》Therefore they must maintain an external focus only
》They are underdeveloped in the art of contemplation
》They have no concept of interconnections and therefore they have no need for teambuilding
Anger can show in many different ways (frustration, inpatience, annoyance, irritation etc.). In healthy anger you can stand up to people in human worth, solid needs and guiding principles. You can do so while preserving the relationship because you seek a potential for adjustment, harmony.
Dr Carter 👨🦳 and Gus 🐶 thank you for another lesson full of insight 🌞🌟🌝🌈
Once again...thanks, Roxy!!
@@SurvivingNarcissism You are very welcome, Dr Carter.
They are so inept at conflict resolution. They don't contemplate problems and become angry at you for the problem. Thank you for the notes. 📓✍
@@yukio_saito You are very welcome, Yukio 🙏. And yes, you are absolutely right 👍
👉❤When it comes to narcissists- they are one of the big reasons He is stepping in right now!🔥💪♥ He is coming to avenge!
Innocent go first- all the children of the world will disappear first then the adult believers.🥰 Jesus is coming back to pick up all those who accepted His free gift of His death for their sins. Yes, after 2 000 years He is coming back with promised salvation!🙌♥🥳
As He speaks through the prophets He is sickened by the world: lies, abuse amd manipulations.
Before He comes we will see Alaska's back to back earthquakes 7.6 and 7.3, we will also see Germany and Russia exchanging missiles. Jesus spoke of it all through his prophets! 🙌❤😊
Jesus removes His believers and then Apocalypse starts, do not be left for that! 🥹❤You can still call out to Him when kids are gone! Make sure you make Jesus your Lord and Saviour🙌❤He loves you like crazy! He sees you, ♥
😍
Trust in what He did on the cross for you! He died for our sins and then defeated the death by rising 3 days later!
!🙌❤🥹
This is my mother. She never fails that, if there is the slightest criticism about her behavior, she will explode and blame me (usually me because I'm pointing out the behavior because I no longer tolerate the disrespect) or someone else rather than take just a moment to LISTEN AND CONSIDER that there may be a point. She is always, inevitably perfect thanks to many decades of delusion as coping mechanisms. Though she would declare that she is NOT perfect that no one but the Good Lord Above is perfect, she refuses to control her temper or self reflect that maybe, just maybe she IS the problem. Her important relationships fell apart -- her marriage and her children. I don't want her to lose her relationship with me, but she WILL NOT STOP DESTROYING IT. Her mouth and her temper are the worst things about her, and if she would ever shut up instead of knee-jerking into angry defensive mode, she might be a somewhat tolerable person to be around. Lol. That's not going to happen. She will continue to push people away because she won't be responsible for herself. I wish I had some magical power to make her understand that, but alas. All I can do is change how I respond to her. Eventually I can go no contact, but it's not an option right now.
Thanks, Dr. C. Hang in there, survivors. Internet hugs to you all.
This is my mum.
@@katherineh9814 I extend to you my deepest sympathies.
"sunk costs" defines the Narcissist. They have invested poorly and feel others should as well. Also a lifelong investment in misery may have "worked" for them financially, but they are devoid of humanity. Anyone says " misery loves company" is heavily invested in their own misery, and wont rest until you are as well.
This was a very important video. Thank you.
Glad it was helpful!
This is my life at the moment dealing with my ex partner who is a narcissist. He is doing exactly this. It is now got to the point where we are about to start court proceedings and it’s so good to hear this this morning because yet again I’m awake 3 am in the morning. To understand what is happening to me right now and why he does this. He holds onto anger in such an intense way it is incredibly hurtful and demoralising. But I have had to make my plans accordingly and just take it step by step to try and reclaim my life back after all of this.
I can’t tell you how timely this was… I’ve watched so many of your videos but this one helps explains one of my sisters holding onto anger, as I can’t work out why she won’t even agree to talk, even though we’ve tried to meet her way more than halfway, and not reminded her of the vicious texts, literally throwing stuff at me, threatening our reputation with friends, calling me f***ing pathetic etc when I suggested we talk for the sake of our late father. The anger is off the charts and nothing I do or say can change that, because my other sister and I disagreed with her re something we know he felt so strongly about, and now she won’t forgive us. We are all v different personalities and two of us are much younger and closer, so I know she may feel a natural distance, and we’ve tried to make every decision together. But one disagreement and it’s exploded. Yet we have so much we need to do together, so I don’t know how to get over or past it, as she’s either screaming at me on text, or threatens, or goes silent. I still don’t understand why she does it, but I’ve at least learned watching this that ‘holding onto’ anger to this level is a thing, and why. I’m sure we all do it to a degree, but to this degree is just alien to me. I don’t know how we move forward. Sorry. This comment is way too long. But this video hit such a chord.
Thank you Dr NPD traits are so interesting, (for the lack of a better term) From my experience they love whatever their perception of dominance may be! I want no part of it!
I knew the answer was "YOU". There was a lot of good analysis going on in this video. I was just talking to the supervisor at work about an employee that was getting angry because a machine was not making perfect parts. I started having it out with the guy and the machine is making better parts and I'm not hearing constant complaining now.
Arent these narcs bothered by their own Anger ? Psychologically, but also physically ? I am thinking of one older n- man, who systematically did yell in a very loud voice and tried to subdue everyone around him: His head turned bright red + pulsing vein visible (yes, like in a cartoon) in anger.
He died relatively young (60s) to some sort of cancer. He was severely unpleasant to be around, always irritable, impatient, with lurking anger & eruptions. Being around that too long, had health implications for me... Would it not have had health implications for him ?
What i am wondering: Is it just the people on the receiving end who end up with health implications, or are there also health implications (to the same degree) for the narc ? And, if yes: Why would they do this ? Ruin their own health + the health of those around them? Surely this is a lose -lose operation ??
They don't see that they are driving themselves to anger, it's all on the others.
@@Summer_Harvest Unfortunately, you are on to something. He complained loudly about other peoples responses, but didn't seem to compute they often were simply triggered by his own rude initial behavior ..
@@PantaRhei-wz5zn I was just getting ready to eat and went to put dill on my avocado and egg and a bunch of salt dumped onto my food. I look inside my dill shaker and there are globs of white salt.
My spouse says he told me he added salt to it. There went my meal, and I am quietly fuming. He is unbothered except for feigning disbelief that I won't have any of it.
@@Summer_Harvest That was so mean 🫂
@@amandaliverpool3374🫂 Well, it was intentional! I tried cheesecloth and it was useless. There had to be more salt than dill and I tossed it.
It's almost Memorial Day so I am going to plant my herbs and use them fresh.
My lilacs are blooming now and that is early because of the mild winter.