A beautiful homage song about Ren's very close, childhood friend Joe, who committed suicide by jumping off from a bridge. Sadly, they never found his body.
@Michael Mardling Maybe now Joe will show up and want royalties for this song and Ren will have to hire Vinny to take him out. 😂 Then Ren would have closure at least.
Love your reactions. This has to be one of the most powerful pieces of music I've ever experienced. As you're asking for recommendations, I can't remember if I've pushed these on to you before or not but 'How to be Me (Live)' is probably my favourite Ren track and is very much on the same topic of his friend Joe. Other blindingly good songs are 'Ocean', 'Humble', 'Dominoes', 'Money Game II', 'Losing It', 'Hold On', the list is seemingly endless but those will give you a really good variety with some nice upbeat stuff in there too (if you need an antidote!). x
I love Ren to death. His friend Joe , you can tell it still haunts him to this day. "Freckled Angels" was his first song dedicated to him , and "How to be me" is a song about him too that they recorded on the bridge he jumped from.
Nowadays we people with mental health no one cares about us they bully us and call us names like crazy and schizophrenic i suffer from mental health bpd and i have been in this position to emd my life meds helps me but the world is crumbling down on me and im alone through this 😢i lost my child recently because of my mental health from the government i wish there was real justice for us with anxiety and life for us but its hard truly haard this song is so relatable to me and everytime i hear the end i cry because i feel the meaning
You're never alone, but nonetheless not as comforting as it sounds. Been there, same lift but different level. It's a struggle when the memory of normalcy hounds, must run from it so that the abnormality doesn't make you mental. As pathetic as it sounds, find a purpose and make it your norm, a port where you can anchor and weather that storm. Sail the best you can through this everlasting ocean, while knowing that there is no everlasting refuge to an everlasting storm.
I have been dealing with dark thoughts and deep set feelings of worthlessness for so long, and people, including my own wife makes me feel that it's fitting. I shouldn't have ever been born. I wish I had never had relationships with anyone. My life is a mistake. I'm an example of a time that God made a mistake
Ren said he sat on this song for well over a year and he was actually dreading releasing this song because it felt so incomplete and "meh" to him compared to the rest of the album. Then he did the interview with Knox Hill about a month ago and he finally opened up about Joe's suicide and he said he finally felt there was a way to finish this song, so he added the last 2 minutes to this song just within the last month. He said it wasn't rehearsed and wasn't even fully edited. He said he sat at his Keyboard just playing and crying and whenever he thought of a new line he ran into his vocal booth and recorded it, whether he was crying or not. He said the entire thing took him less than 2 hours to fully write AND record.
Nice background information. Yeah I'm by no means on the level of Ren when it comes to artistic talent (I draw I don't play music), but sometimes it just flows and you can do so much in a very very short amount of time. Crazy respect for the guy for sharing his trauma so that others might know they are not alone and perhaps if not helping them heal (such wounds don't really heal - you learn to live with them) then at least help them come to terms with and process their feelings.
I joined Rens twitch earlier today. Wasn't sure what to expect. OMG...he turned it into the most beautiful celebration of life. I'm so glad I was able to see that side of him. ❤ Ren... love you all. You are not alone.
This song crushed me. I've lost three friends to suicide. I have no will to live after my wife died at 42 of an ugly cancer, but I don't know how someone takes their own life. 😢 Thanks for this reaction and your talk after Aileen. ❤
My wife died 10 years ago, and it broke me. I spent most of that decade in unbearable pain, desperate for it all to end and unable to ask for help. Please don't suffer alone. I have a life worth living now, and people who care about me. Don't make my mistake - reach out for help.
You're right, the song starts out about Ren, he said this himself, but then he said that for some reason it felt incomplete. He started with the piano and the first line of that final sequence and said that the rest just kinda poured out of him. The emotion you hear, his tears, the breaking in his voice .... it's all genuine and real. That comes across vividly. Once again, Ren uses the power of his personal experiences and his musical talent to draw an emotional response from the listener. I'll never stop saying this- Ren is Special.
For those not aware of the events behind this song @RenMakesMusic And here's (part of) the writeup that Ren shared before the premiere and sent to his email list: I first met Joe when I was 8 years old, my friend Josh said I had to meet this guy, so we both walked over to his, it took about 10 minutes from my house. I was greeted by this kid covered head to toe in freckles, he grinned at us, climbed onto the back of his sofa and screamed “Swanton Bomb!” then front flipped off the top and landed right onto his back on a stone floor. He lay still for a moment, twitched a few times, then got up, grinned at us, brushed himself off, and did it again. This was Joe. He’d do anything to make people laugh. He ended up becoming one of my best friends. He was there when we stole our first cigarettes out of his mums pack, way too young. He was there when I had my first kiss, with a girl twice my size on the back of the 42 bus. He was there when I first got so drunk I threw up in the woods after drinking as much white lightning Cider as we could. I was there when he did his first backflip on skates, and saw him do a 720 off of the pier cave, that moment became legendary. Joe was the funny one in our friend group, he’d make us laugh till it hurt. No one had a bad word to say about him. It was impossible not to like him. Usually we put celebrities, athletes and actors on pedestals, turn them into role models and admire them from a far. The person I admired was Joe. Him and Sagar knew every word to the songs id write, we’d get drunk at parties and they’d be singing along as loud as they could. It gave me a lot of confidence back then. On Christmas Eve 2010 I was sitting in a pub with Joe, he’d been feeling low after a couple of consecutive break ups. He tried to check himself into a mental health outpatient facility a few weeks earlier but they turned him away because he didn’t have an appointment. He turned to me and said that sometimes he wished he could just walk into the sea and keep walking. He said it in a kind of half joking throw away comment type of way, then took a sip of his drink, walked over to the juke box and put Dig by Incubus on. If I knew that was the last time I’d see Joe id have hugged him, told him how much I loved him, how much I looked up to him, how much we all loved him, and I wouldn’t have left that pub. I didn’t know that, so I finished my drink, said happy Christmas and left. Two nights after Christmas I got woken up by a phone call at 3am, it was my friend Ella. She told me Joe was on the Menai Bridge, a large suspension bridge connecting the main land to the isle of Anglesey where we lived. He’d been on the phone to her in tears saying goodbye. He told her to tell everyone he loved them. I pulled on my clothes as fast as I could and started running toward the bridge. It was up a hill. I lived about a ten minute walk away, I could run it in five. As I ran I started dialling then redialing his number. The line was busy, which was a good sign, it meant he was still on the phone to someone. As I got about halfway, the busy tone changed. It told me the line was out of service. I got a sinking feeling and picked up my speed. I arrived to the bridge minutes after I left my house. It was deafeningly quiet. I was the first person to arrive. I got there probably about 2 minutes too late. Joe’s body was never found. Initially we refused to believe he was gone. The coastguard came out that night, with boats, and helicopters. Me and my friends spent the next 10 days putting up missing posters everywhere we could, walking up and down beaches with flashlights, getting about 3 hours sleep a night. When you’re walking up and down a beach with a torch when its dark everything looks like a body. We still haven’t found Joe. As his birthday came around, I wrote a song, freckled angels, a song I dedicated to Joe which I sang in front of his friends and family. A charity football match was put on for him, raising money for the RNLI where I won two bottles of wine in a raffle, I drank them both as quickly as I could, naturally, turned to my friend and probably slurred something along the lines of “This is the last time I ever drink” That was 12 years ago, I haven’t touched a drop of alcohol since
Thank you so much for this. I was aware of how much Joe meant to Ren from Freckled Angels - a beautiful song, this adds so much to what was clearly a special relationship. I lost a friend, sudden heart attack, a few years ago, like Ren, I have many great memories of our times together, so many laughs. I feel to a certain extent what Ren continues to go through.
For those not aware of the events behind this song @RenMakesMusic And here's (part of) the writeup that Ren shared before the premiere and sent to his email list: I first met Joe when I was 8 years old, my friend Josh said I had to meet this guy, so we both walked over to his, it took about 10 minutes from my house. I was greeted by this kid covered head to toe in freckles, he grinned at us, climbed onto the back of his sofa and screamed “Swanton Bomb!” then front flipped off the top and landed right onto his back on a stone floor. He lay still for a moment, twitched a few times, then got up, grinned at us, brushed himself off, and did it again. This was Joe. He’d do anything to make people laugh. He ended up becoming one of my best friends. He was there when we stole our first cigarettes out of his mums pack, way too young. He was there when I had my first kiss, with a girl twice my size on the back of the 42 bus. He was there when I first got so drunk I threw up in the woods after drinking as much white lightning Cider as we could. I was there when he did his first backflip on skates, and saw him do a 720 off of the pier cave, that moment became legendary. Joe was the funny one in our friend group, he’d make us laugh till it hurt. No one had a bad word to say about him. It was impossible not to like him. Usually we put celebrities, athletes and actors on pedestals, turn them into role models and admire them from a far. The person I admired was Joe. Him and Sagar knew every word to the songs id write, we’d get drunk at parties and they’d be singing along as loud as they could. It gave me a lot of confidence back then. On Christmas Eve 2010 I was sitting in a pub with Joe, he’d been feeling low after a couple of consecutive break ups. He tried to check himself into a mental health outpatient facility a few weeks earlier but they turned him away because he didn’t have an appointment. He turned to me and said that sometimes he wished he could just walk into the sea and keep walking. He said it in a kind of half joking throw away comment type of way, then took a sip of his drink, walked over to the juke box and put Dig by Incubus on. If I knew that was the last time I’d see Joe id have hugged him, told him how much I loved him, how much I looked up to him, how much we all loved him, and I wouldn’t have left that pub. I didn’t know that, so I finished my drink, said happy Christmas and left. Two nights after Christmas I got woken up by a phone call at 3am, it was my friend Ella. She told me Joe was on the Menai Bridge, a large suspension bridge connecting the main land to the isle of Anglesey where we lived. He’d been on the phone to her in tears saying goodbye. He told her to tell everyone he loved them. I pulled on my clothes as fast as I could and started running toward the bridge. It was up a hill. I lived about a ten minute walk away, I could run it in five. As I ran I started dialling then redialing his number. The line was busy, which was a good sign, it meant he was still on the phone to someone. As I got about halfway, the busy tone changed. It told me the line was out of service. I got a sinking feeling and picked up my speed. I arrived to the bridge minutes after I left my house. It was deafeningly quiet. I was the first person to arrive. I got there probably about 2 minutes too late. Joe’s body was never found. Initially we refused to believe he was gone. The coastguard came out that night, with boats, and helicopters. Me and my friends spent the next 10 days putting up missing posters everywhere we could, walking up and down beaches with flashlights, getting about 3 hours sleep a night. When you’re walking up and down a beach with a torch when its dark everything looks like a body. We still haven’t found Joe. As his birthday came around, I wrote a song, freckled angels, a song I dedicated to Joe which I sang in front of his friends and family. A charity football match was put on for him, raising money for the RNLI where I won two bottles of wine in a raffle, I drank them both as quickly as I could, naturally, turned to my friend and probably slurred something along the lines of “This is the last time I ever drink” That was 12 years ago, I haven’t touched a drop of alcohol since.
Ive lost two close friends and a 2 cousin's to suicide, they were clever, intelligent, funny, empathetic, handsome. The fight is real ,the struggle is real, the epidemic is real. RIP mark , stef, wiggy Robert. Much love from Scotland 🏴 💚.
as i have said on another video, Ren is the master of silence and tears. almost every reaction ive seen leave everyone either speachless or broken. first words are either um or a choked wow. hes an artist, a bard and someone very very special
Lovely sensitive piece, Aileen. Ren broaches topics that are real and many of us can relate to. He is so open and unique, apart from talent in spades. I can't help thinking Ren is the brilliant person he is because of how he grew up and particularly for the evident kinship and love he has for Joe. Both when he was alive and since his passing.
Aileen, such a beautiful reaction, so honest, raw, genuine…. Can’t think any further tonight I’m crying to much. Thank you for sharing REN, thank you for being you. Take care Daz Berrima, NSW, Australia
I have been on both sides of suicide. At 16 I attempted suicide, I'm lucky my family found me in time. Fast forward 20+ yrs and lost my cousin to suicide and a good friend. This song hurts on so many levels, for what I put my family through and what my family experiences now every birthday and holiday watching my cousins children grow up without him. I'm with you, no one should feel alone....thanks for sharing your story too. It provides an open door for others to speak abt our experiences...
I've also been on both sides, ended up losing my first girlfriend. My mind still goes in the direction of suicide whenever I feel like there's no way out but now I know I'd never do it because I know how that affects the ones that love you. I wouldn't wanna leave anyone with that guilt. So I totally feel for you and yeah, the song really hits pretty deep.
I lost my niece on the 20th of May (she was 12) 11 days away from her birthday; she passed away from Osteosarcoma that moved to her lungs. This song speaks volumes for those that are dealing with heartbreak as well as clinical depression... thank you for your reaction and I wish you all the best AileenSenpai.
Her name was Jen. I tried. Thank you for the reaction. Something in me died long ago, but I get to feel things by watching others react. I love that Ren has brought mental illness to the front of society's thoughts.
His name was Adam, his name was Jonnny, his name was Toby, his name was Jon Boy. Although a part of us dies, we get the scar because we knew them, and although the scars are painful, and never heal, they are beautiful because we knew them, we felt them, we loved them. Carry the weight of that scar with pride Horizon, much love to you.
This one broke me. Because I had that friend in high school. He was 15. Fifteen. And he was a friend. Showed me how to be a friend. Showed me what friendship means. I didn't see it coming. He was so happy-go-lucky, empathetic and kind. No one saw his struggle until it was too late. He never knew how much he mattered. He never knew how many people cared. 23 years later, I think of him still. With regret that I didn't see it coming. I should've seen it coming. Goddamnit.
Many people who have no idea of what it means to be living with mental illness often claim that suicide is a selfish act. But most of the time it isn't. That one time they did it, was the first time they did something for themselves. People who live under that weight live every day for the sake of others, carrying it to stay alive for their sake. And often still get attacked, told they need to get themselves together and do better. How can you be selfish if you live your entire life in pain just for the sake and wish of others, who do not even understand you, or listen to you. Being selfish is those on the other side, who look at someone who have lived in pain for most of their life for the sake of others, and never cared about it, until the moment they did one thing for themselves. That is selfish. But all that does not mean its less painful for those left behind, or can be at least. Even more so if they are filled with guilt of their own selfish acts the years and years leading up such a thing. And you can speak about this with one answer. For every time it happens, it has its own reasons. And many times there was no need for it to happen. But sometimes there is. Chronical mental illness is always terminal. Even if it does not end by ones own hand. The weight of living with it take years of your life. The medicine. Isolation and stress. A terminal illness is a illness that shorten your life. And that is what chronical mental illness does. And in those cases, people who choose to be in control about how and when, then its not a act that could be stopped. Its the illness running it's cause. Same way people die from cancer. Mental illness will eat you up from the inside, to a point you can no longer sustain yourself and you die. And in those cases its not a choice someone make. Its the illness finishing what its been working on for years.
This song killed me when i first heard it. I went and hid myself away and bawled for at leqst 30 or 40 minutes. I lost my best friend (who would have been better classed as my real brother, we both came from really abusive homes and from the age of 5 we were eachothers rocks and support system through it all) to a suicide i could have stopped if i hadn't drank and drugged myself unconscious and missed the 19 calls he made to me and the 12 messages he left me in my begging me to answer and begging me for help. The last message simply said "you are the best friend i never dared to hope for. Thank you for giving me the love no on else ever did. Goodbye my friend" and then he took the shot gun his family owned and shot himself in the head mere moments after Calling me for the last time and leaving that message. I can explain further if anyone wants, but this is just the basics and why this song is so impactful for me. Rest in peace eric, you're the best guy i've ever known.
I've struggled with suicidal ideation for years. These days, it is more like not wanting to wake up tomorrow rather than taking an active role in ending myself. Loneliness was my biggest trigger when I was young. These days, it's more about experiencing rampant transphobia and not being able to do anything about it. It just gets so heavy a weight to carry, you know? I guess the trick is to distract myself until old age takes me.
Hang in there, for you never know what the gods have planned for you. Maybe your suffering is just the test you have to fight through before better times will come.. But these are just shallow words from an old vet who has looked death in the eyes too often.
Hang in there. I am an old redneck and have gradually changed my outlook on gender over the last decade or so. I think lots of people are adjusting. I hope you will get to experience a very noticeable betterment in people long before you experience old age.
Please don't hurt yourself because others don't agree with transexuality. I can tell you personally that I do not agree and I do not think children should have it pushed on them; but I also don't think (or want) anyone to hurt themselves over people having different opinions and beliefs. That's part of life.
You can tell that out of all the other reactors that you feel the most out of his lyrics. You definitely appreciate the true value of vulnerability. Vulnerability is not a weakness, it’s a strength. Thank you for this reaction
Aileen, thank you for the authenticity today. I think these reactions play an important role in helping to normalize emotions and expression for your viewers. You may not feel like it but like Ren you're doing powerful work out here in your channels and it means a lot to the people that watch you. Also, to make sure YOU remember as well, you're loved and cherished. You're appreciated and people are greatful to still have you here. Stay amazing.
Ren hit me hard,I lost my son 2 year ago,he commit suicide we broke so try so hard to help him, is his twin sister..now we must stay strong for her..don,t want to loose her..thank you for your warm reaction..it comfort me..
Great reaction! This one has been hard for me. I have dealt with depression for most of my life and much of what has kept me here is the realization of how it would hurt those I love. The second half of this song is brutal but it is also a good reminder of how it hurts those left behind. Musically, it's another masterpiece. The video is so beautiful. Louis Mardlin is the video editor for Ren's animated type videos and he did a fantastic job with this one.
I have never had artist affect me so profoundly. Watching all the reactions videos and seeing everyone become vulnerable through his work. I have shed tears on every single time I watch. This is such an important piece of art. Thank you for your raw reaction to it ❤
I know the pain he feels, I've lost friends to suicide, I've seen the devastation this causes. If I didn't have 2 people in my life that would feel that pain then I wouldn't have to wake up tomorrow but they are so I will
I have been this way for about 12yrs. Every day is a struggle. The only thing that stops me is I see the faces of my children getting the news. It would devastate them to hear of my death but entirely different if I did so myself especially as their mother sees suicide as cowardly. I have a genuine fear I will grow to resent my children for impeding my exit
Many have survival regret. I, also lost a few friends to suicide. It's hard to get moving after experiencing the loss, and it can drag you way down at times. The way I get passed that feeling is living for them and doing things that we all talked about doing as kids. Out of 7 of us, there is only my brother and one other person left.
Feel your pain and sadness as many are all doing at this moment in time. Ren is the master of making us aware of life issues in such a wonderful deep way. Love your reactions.
A wonderful reaction from an awesome person. Thank you for your incredible reaction. This is such an important song for everyone. This hit very close to home for me and helped more than I would ever have imagined.
Aileen, You've gotta check out "How to be Me (live) - Ren X Chinchilla". I think this song actually helps give context to that one. Both are hauntingly beautiful.
In a weird way I was looking forward to this reaction from the moment it dropped. Like Ren I feel your quite genuine and you'd resonate with what he his brining. Thank you for your reaction, it's in a way therapeutic
I wouldn't watch the last part at first, I just watched it for the first time to your reaction, because I knew you would be as torn up as I was, and give it it's proper respect, so thank you. Him and Chinchilla's other track "How to be me" is also about his friend who took his own life. He goes into the story a little more on the Knox interview, enough that he had Knox crying, so just be prepared if you check that out. In short, his friend texted or group texted all his mates in their tight nit circle in the middle of the night, that he was at a certain bridge and couldn't handle life anymore, Ren was physically closest to that location, and ran as fast as he could and by later estimates from when his friends phone signal went out, Ren was about 2-3min. from being able to get to him and stop him. The one positive that Ren takes from it is, the fact that he had just started getting sick, and was still undiagnosed, and was suicidal himself. After seeing the unstoppable wave of grief and destruction his friends death did to their circle of friends and family, he swore to himself that he would never want to bring that on others he cared about, (not that he was ever angry at his friend for that, his friend just had no idea) so he took suicide off the table as a way of dealing with his disease. Lastly, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for talking openly about such things and encouraging people to get help. Whenever you cover such issues, will you remind your subs in the U.S. that just last fall, we have a new national Life Crisis and Suicide Hotline set up, similar to 911 for physical emergencies, this number is 988, and you'll immediately be connected to trained social workers / mental health professionals to help you. The old 9 or 10 digit suicide hotline number is still active too, and will re-direct to the new hotline, thank you!
im a 50 year old australian male. i have severe mental health issues, and suicidal ideation daily since i was 12. Ren is my newfound hero, between this and Hi Ren his music is brilliant but cried through the end of this song like a baby. i love your vids Aileen
I am suffering myself from double depression, chronical depersonalization, anxiety disorder and a chronic pain disorder. In 2020 I lost a brother in mind and heart by suicide. I never had anyone I could have so much fun with and do stupid / crazy things. That's something I never do but with him it was possible. And we shared our dark side, told us about our demons. It still hurts as hell and just thinking about that one movement and what came next (he killed himself with a rope) makes me feel miserable and sad and empty. I can feel so much with what describes here. This hit so hard. This hit so deep! So honest. So true. So brutal. So painful: Emotionally and even physically.
He actually loves to write songs for his friend. Freckled angel and forgot how to be me are both songs dealing with joe and loss. And this song was a mix of how he has felt over the years being sick and wanting to just give up but joes suicide hit him so hard he couldnt allow himself to
Thank you, Aileen, for your heartfelt reaction and review! It is difficult for me to find the words that describe the mixed feelings I have after watching this and other Music Videos by Ren Gill. It is obvious to me that "Ren's" work comes from someone who has experienced, first hand, the subject of his writings. Knowing that makes Ren special, and makes Ren's message special. I commend Ren for delving into the difficulty of hearing and confronting human condition and experiences!
That definitely was a hard one I've had a few friends from highschool who committed suicide & I still am in shock about it & never know what to say when I see their families especially my one friends dad because my one friend which was also Tyler & his mom committed suicide in a short time of each other i honestly wish i could go back in time & talk to him i and prevented it i didnt see him for awhile & found out at the last minute unfortunately what was going on atlot of people I knew from highschool etc are dead due to drugs, suicide etc
Ren, please don't stop!! I have never cried so much from just pure emotion taking over when I listen to your works. @AileenSenpai you always bring great music to us that is life helping/changing. Thank you!!
When you look at the water and ready to jump ...You are looking at the breaks in clouds reflecting on water ...THUS "Falling through the cracks of the night sky . Ty ren ty.
9:25 "It's ok to not be ok." My 6yo son is fighting kidney cancer. Going through radiation, chemo, hair loss, the whole schtick. Thank you for putting this into such succint, perfect words. I'm not ok, and that's ok.
Amazing reaction! It's a powerful thing that people who hasn't met before and on the other side of the world can help and listen to each other. You should listen to Ren - Dear God and also Ren - Freckled Angel.
This was a tough 1 to get through being in that suicidal place before.....i grew up in a family of gangbangers who all had that "blood in blood out/death before dishonor" mentality wen i was 18 i was planning on leaving detroit behind and moving away from it all and i got stabbed and shot up by my own brother and cousin, that feeling going through my recovery learning how to walk again, the family betrayal, having nobody to turn to at the time and feeling like there is 8 billion people sharing this spinning rock with me and not 1 of them is there to help me out of this dark place im in....i wouldnt wish those thoughts and feelings on my worst enemy....i actually took myself up to lake michigan sat on a rock above the lake and put a gun in my mouth and pulled the trigger hoping i would blow my brains out fall backwards and dissapear into the water luckily for me the gun jammed and didnt work and that snapped me back to reality and made me think "wtf did i just try doing" and i realised in that moment i have 2 people to turn to my grandpa down in alabama and this girl i used to hang out with wen i visited my grandpa and i made my way down to alabama.....im 28 now and im married to that girl and we have 2 beautifull twins and we both left america behind and moved over to the uk to get as far away from that shit as possible and life is good now.....9 years ago i had nothing to loose and nothing to live for and now i have everything to loose and 2 kids and a wife to live for
@AileenSenpai - You showed your true love for humanity with your words and emotions towards anyone and everyone that are suffering. Let me be the mirror that sends this message right back at you. We all care deeply for those around us. We forgive and help at anytime. Yet we do the exact opposite to ourselves. We over judge, we don't forgive and we constantly tear ourselves down. Aileen I have been so amazed watching your channel and the emotion that you evoke in us, your fans. Never forget your extreme beauty and worth that you so eloquently express towards all of us. We all need to learn to be so much more gently with ourselves. Like a parent teaching a babe to walk. its never with anger and judgement. Yet we crucify ourselves when we judge something that we may have done, all while - We are all just learning to Life. Love yourselves - Time slips through our fingers so quickly. ( Parabola - lyrics - A chance to be alive and breathing). Aileen you are constantly touching so many lives with your channel. With your music. THANK YOU.
I just subscribed to your channel. You have also touched me with your warmth, kindness, nurture, empathy and compassion for human beings who are suffering deeply, no adjective can articulate those pounded wounds we were slayed with by the ones who we just wanted to be loved by, to be held in the arms that wrapped themselves around us as we came into this world. What changed? What happened? Why did they stop loving us; did they ever love us? Why did we, the innocents who came into this world become their psychological, mental and physical punching bags that expunged our growth into adulthood? All the years in between the darkness that became my saviour and the light that terrified me. So many of us are Ren, and Ren is the language that speaks to everyone like that of their mother tongue despite our cultural heritage and background. We are not foreign to each other because we have suffered the monstrous ferocity in the bleeding ink of our hearts from the evil hands of man and woman. ......... Four years ago I jumped off a building and survived my suicide attempt. One of quite a few but this one I was sure was going to work and when it didn't I came out of a coma after 13 days with 9 broken ribs, two punctured lugs a broken sternum, and clavicle with severe trauma to my abdomen and cracked skull, I discharged myself from hospital consumed with rage and fury that I failed to kill myself. So off I went straight to the bottle shop all busted up barely walking but I was on a mission, this time I would get the job done. I necked a bottle of brandy in a blink of an eye. By now with all the fentanyl and copious amounts of other opioids in my system to numb the broken body, I was dragging along, my beautiful body; I felt next to no pain because the now-guzzled bottle of brandy had served its anaesthesia; long enough to have a stranger come over to me and offer me crack/Ice and dwell in my misery. Little did he know what my plan was. So we drank and drugged and the next thing I know I'm waking up again after being brought back to life. You see I was clinically dead but he didn't want to have it on his watch so he called the ambulance when I stopped breathing; he/ the ambulance saved my life. The same scenario 13 days later I came out of a coma; AGAIN!!! My service dog he took care of and every day he called to tell me that my boy was doing okay because that's all I cared for. That and my twin sister. The guilt, the remorse the trauma I had put her through still haunt me to this day. I cannot find the mercy in myself to forgive me for subjecting her to the horror of my actions. Something in me shifted after the second attempt. I still don't know to this day what that is but I acknowledged my cPTSD, BDT, addiction and suffering that I lived with for decades and accepted round-the-clock care from every physician thrown my way. It took me 11 months for all of my broken bones to fully heal. The right-hand side clavicle fracture was so badly broken that it's never healed properly and my dominant arm is partly crippled and bung as a result of it. Hopefully, after surgery which I am still waiting for will give me full use of my arm again. Time will tell. When I cracked my head open something neurological shifted. I no longer have the obsession to drink or crave alcohol. That's a MIRACLE and it's the truth. I started drinking at the age of nine and couldn't stop for more than 4 decades after that smash to my head on a bare concrete ground I have zero taste or yearning to drink or use drugs. Just like that, my addiction went up in thin air. The audio and visual hallucinations are also vanquished but I am still left with everything else. However, I am doing really well now. Still in intense therapy for all of my childhood trauma and mental health challenges. I have a healthier, much, much healthier relationship with my twin sister who equally suffered alongside me from the brutal monstrous and terrifying trauma of our childhood years and so forth but we have come through it. Differently on very different paths of recovery but we are solid. Thank God she has never had any mental health or addictions but she most definitely endured her suffering because of the horror and terror of the evil we were subjected to as little girls. 4/ 4half years later we stand tall, triumphant and successful, flourishing little by little in every precious moment we are given the same air that God puts into our lungs so that we get to breathe in this beautiful life together with two hearts that are intertwined as one in the way only twins can fully understand. I still have my other life lying right here beside me snoozing away in what's finally become the inner peace that surrounds him every single day; my divine and beautiful Service dog. All I ever wanted in my life is here now. I sit quieter now because I don't go against the line. I'm additionally blessed with a healthier self and continue to work on everything. I intend to for the rest of my life and I want to give the best part of me to my hero twin sister Tamara, my fur God son and be there for everyone I dearly love and strangers one and all the love I have to give so that humanity and animals cease to suffer. I wish I had one superpower and that would be to eradicate all suffering but since I haven't I'll give it my all to do as much as I can to be that woman who at the very least will try.
The truth is that we all die. Diseases,car accidents, cancer,drownings, wars and of course suicide. The last one we can all avoid and all we need to do is talk to someone. If that talk doesn't help you then what?? Suicide? No absolutely not. Get help ladies and gentlemen!! Much love from Australia......................
I’ve had thoughts of this every single day and every single time something goes wrong and honestly it gets exhausting. So hard to explain to people who don’t understand. Finding REN was awesome for me. It’s helped me so much. I’m fighting everyday and if you hurting keep fighting as well.
I personally think you should have a day in the week where you do reactions to happy songs just to balance it out. It feels mean that we keep suggesting depressing songs, we should let you have some respite and do something uplifting.
The end always fucks me up. Very similar situation to Ren and Joe, a good mate shot himself after a phone call to me and another friend. We drove there over 100 mph and had to break in to find him. That “ai picture running quicker, 5 minutes I’m right in time” still hasn’t gone away 10 years later. I can’t imagine never being able to find his body, the fucked up lingering hope for days or weeks after, searching the water for him. That’s some shit, man. I’m just glad it wasn’t his little brother who found him. The fucked up thing is, the vast majority of suicides aren’t something planned out over weeks and months. They’re sudden, impulsive decisions made mere 2-3 minutes before the attempt. There are no notes. There are no Wills. Just an overwhelming urge to die. So, really, most people don’t show many signs before trying. I wish it weren’t so.
Don't do it. DO NOT DO IT! It'll END the chance of you feeling happiness or contentment again. You'll never be able to help someone again. You'll never have the opportunity to get warm, when you're cold!
I had that...lost friends due to suicide. 😢😢 Lost my mom due to a misdiagnosis, and allergic reaction...ugh...i don't go to hospital's. I always felt as if I was "an experiment.:" I remember that same feeling, from childhood into the teenage years.
Senpai i'm just sending a cry for help, I know you can't help me I've reached out to some online friends and one said I had a cry for help but thatt's all he said. i reached out to a girl I loved back in school she shas a life I was wong to message her she said I could use a therapis and I didn't make anmy mistakes. I did/ I did I remember m I mmad so many mistakes. But you know how mcuh that hurt, maybe that bwas her intention. I told her I had no friends and no one else to call. That's the truth though. And don't tell me I need a therapist last one I went to it didn't go well, they're actually stuck up didn't want tto list to listen to what I was saying/ like At all. UA-camres like to say there is help you're not aloone but what really can you do. What really. Just say stuff. Yeah we're here for you, great I guess. It's oaky it's the though that counts. That will help. Surely "Wer're here for you you;re not alone" aren't even vomfort words. They're ust "oh that's nice". But to be fairr to you, what eslse can you do, right? Like of course you can only feel for people. Of course. Sigh. I'm sorry. I just wanted to say you're excpetionally beautiful but I don't watch you in a creepy way you imagine I just enjoy your videos. But you are beautiful. Just know that, maybe at least there'll be a smile sometime knowing "Yeah, I am who is is exceptional, I am amazing and I am a star" Hope so. Best part you'll never see this comment I'm just crying for help that's just impossible to ask for. I'm sorry I have to edit this. your beauty what I t break my heart how you tried to end it. You are the most beautiful person ion this space. I know maybe it might not mean much, given the past can cautch up to us very quickly. At least if anythgin your beauty is with us today. also the way you raise your eyebrow. But I knows you're VERY awaer of how enticing that looks. Agaian, not creepy. Just watching videos.
I may not be a huge fan of his style or sound, but I always really enjoy listening to what he has to say. That was seriously deep. I can't imagine going through that. I've lost friends to suicide as well and others in accidents, unexpected sickness, etc.. But, I can't imagine the feeling of, "What if I'd been there 2 minutes sooner. Maybe I could have saved him/her". That's gotta absolute eat a person alive. Even though it was in no way his fault, that could cause serious trauma and feelings of guilt even if it's unwarranted. Damn... Honestly, having experienced losing people myself is probably what has saved me on multiple occasions. I couldn't put the few people who care through that. Even if it was only 1 person in the world who cared... I couldn't do that to them. The hurt is everlasting.
I've been at this game for 50 years, only being suicidal would've been a proactive step up for me. I just wanted to goddamn die. And since feeling that, I've buried two kids. One newborn and one 27 years old to covid. And I'm still here.
If anyone is looking for more vulnerable artists, I would suggest AJR, Orla Gartland, Lizzie McAlpine, Dodie, or Aurora. (It’s kind of my niche) I related to their music after I got out of a lot of self hatred, but then that resurfaced after I hurt a person I loved through good intentions, and simultaneous lapses in judgement on multiple levels. And then a similar thing happened again, but under more forgivable circumstances this time. I fear that I’m just a ticking time bomb moments away from destroying another close friend. But it would be a shame if someone who is also struggling were to … because then there is one less person who can relate, and help others through it. You only have one chance to create something beautiful to you.
If you wanna get your heart to explode you need to listen to Greta Van Fleet: Meeting The Master. You are literally going to be blown away by this man’s vocals. He’s an incredible talented individual. Trust me you’ll love it ❤️❤️
I can so relate to this song, even if it's not my type of music. I've lost two of of my friends to suicide. Well, one of them to overdose, but I think it was his way of going out. I struggled with these thoughts about suicide for more than half of my life. Been to psycho wards 4 times. And even though I know from experience how our psyche works, I still can't decide if I am weak or they were weak. Sorry for my English.
This hits home, man. At 16, I tried to commit suicide. My sister found me and i feel so bad that she saw me like that. Im 32 now..last week i randomly started hallucinating, seeing people.i actually called the police because i thought there was a group of girls in my house. I ended up fainting and for 3 days i was on the mental health floor. I cant remember anything. My husband stayed with me. He told me i was screaming,not recognizing my mother and sister. Anyway, i flatlined twice. When i came back to reality, i was in the ICU. Had my brain being monitored. My arms were covered in bruises from them trying to get an I.V in...i have shitty veins. Spent 3 more days stuck in that bed before i was able to go home. Im so grateful that the police called an ambulance and my husband who met me at the hospital. Its insane how thankful i am now to still be alive.
A beautiful homage song about Ren's very close, childhood friend Joe, who committed suicide by jumping off from a bridge. Sadly, they never found his body.
@@michaelmardling3152 Who the fuck cares bro he did for his fam and for his friends
@Michael Mardling Maybe now Joe will show up and want royalties for this song and Ren will have to hire Vinny to take him out. 😂 Then Ren would have closure at least.
@@shaundisch2020 kind of odd his body was NEVER found, if he did jump in the water, bodies do eventually float back to the surface.
@Michael Mardling Fish get hungry, I've seen Jaws.
@@michaelmardling3152 I don't know if you know, but RIVERS have currents and flow away towards the ocean.
R.I.P. Joe. You were definitely loved.
Love your reactions. This has to be one of the most powerful pieces of music I've ever experienced. As you're asking for recommendations, I can't remember if I've pushed these on to you before or not but 'How to be Me (Live)' is probably my favourite Ren track and is very much on the same topic of his friend Joe. Other blindingly good songs are 'Ocean', 'Humble', 'Dominoes', 'Money Game II', 'Losing It', 'Hold On', the list is seemingly endless but those will give you a really good variety with some nice upbeat stuff in there too (if you need an antidote!). x
Ren is definitely next level - by any means. What a beautiful human being.
I love Ren to death. His friend Joe , you can tell it still haunts him to this day. "Freckled Angels" was his first song dedicated to him , and "How to be me" is a song about him too that they recorded on the bridge he jumped from.
Nowadays we people with mental health no one cares about us they bully us and call us names like crazy and schizophrenic i suffer from mental health bpd and i have been in this position to emd my life meds helps me but the world is crumbling down on me and im alone through this 😢i lost my child recently because of my mental health from the government i wish there was real justice for us with anxiety and life for us but its hard truly haard this song is so relatable to me and everytime i hear the end i cry because i feel the meaning
Thank you!
You're never alone, but nonetheless not as comforting as it sounds. Been there, same lift but different level.
It's a struggle when the memory of normalcy hounds, must run from it so that the abnormality doesn't make you mental.
As pathetic as it sounds, find a purpose and make it your norm, a port where you can anchor and weather that storm.
Sail the best you can through this everlasting ocean, while knowing that there is no everlasting refuge to an everlasting storm.
Ren... Down with the Beat!!!
I have been dealing with dark thoughts and deep set feelings of worthlessness for so long, and people, including my own wife makes me feel that it's fitting. I shouldn't have ever been born. I wish I had never had relationships with anyone. My life is a mistake. I'm an example of a time that God made a mistake
Ren said he sat on this song for well over a year and he was actually dreading releasing this song because it felt so incomplete and "meh" to him compared to the rest of the album. Then he did the interview with Knox Hill about a month ago and he finally opened up about Joe's suicide and he said he finally felt there was a way to finish this song, so he added the last 2 minutes to this song just within the last month. He said it wasn't rehearsed and wasn't even fully edited. He said he sat at his Keyboard just playing and crying and whenever he thought of a new line he ran into his vocal booth and recorded it, whether he was crying or not. He said the entire thing took him less than 2 hours to fully write AND record.
Nice background information. Yeah I'm by no means on the level of Ren when it comes to artistic talent (I draw I don't play music), but sometimes it just flows and you can do so much in a very very short amount of time. Crazy respect for the guy for sharing his trauma so that others might know they are not alone and perhaps if not helping them heal (such wounds don't really heal - you learn to live with them) then at least help them come to terms with and process their feelings.
I joined Rens twitch earlier today. Wasn't sure what to expect. OMG...he turned it into the most beautiful celebration of life. I'm so glad I was able to see that side of him. ❤ Ren... love you all. You are not alone.
❤
Definitely going to have to follow him on Twitch! :)
This song crushed me. I've lost three friends to suicide. I have no will to live after my wife died at 42 of an ugly cancer, but I don't know how someone takes their own life. 😢 Thanks for this reaction and your talk after Aileen. ❤
Life can be dark bro but stick with it, you don't know what your future holds. Hang in there man.
My wife died 10 years ago, and it broke me. I spent most of that decade in unbearable pain, desperate for it all to end and unable to ask for help. Please don't suffer alone. I have a life worth living now, and people who care about me. Don't make my mistake - reach out for help.
Turn to God for understanding and healing. I pray it gets better brother. Keep your chin up and take it one step at a time.
@deanhuffaker4518 im sorry for your loss
You still have a world of possibilities out there. Of those, peace and happiness are still out there to be rediscovered.
You're right, the song starts out about Ren, he said this himself, but then he said that for some reason it felt incomplete. He started with the piano and the first line of that final sequence and said that the rest just kinda poured out of him. The emotion you hear, his tears, the breaking in his voice .... it's all genuine and real. That comes across vividly. Once again, Ren uses the power of his personal experiences and his musical talent to draw an emotional response from the listener. I'll never stop saying this- Ren is Special.
Fun fact, he did a interview with KnoxHill on UA-cam. He said the interview inspired him to write the last verse
For those not aware of the events behind this song
@RenMakesMusic
And here's (part of) the writeup that Ren shared before the premiere and sent to his email list:
I first met Joe when I was 8 years old, my friend Josh said I had to meet this guy, so we both walked over to his, it took about 10 minutes from my house. I was greeted by this kid covered head to toe in freckles, he grinned at us, climbed onto the back of his sofa and screamed “Swanton Bomb!” then front flipped off the top and landed right onto his back on a stone floor. He lay still for a moment, twitched a few times, then got up, grinned at us, brushed himself off, and did it again.
This was Joe. He’d do anything to make people laugh. He ended up becoming one of my best friends. He was there when we stole our first cigarettes out of his mums pack, way too young. He was there when I had my first kiss, with a girl twice my size on the back of the 42 bus. He was there when I first got so drunk I threw up in the woods after drinking as much white lightning Cider as we could. I was there when he did his first backflip on skates, and saw him do a 720 off of the pier cave, that moment became legendary.
Joe was the funny one in our friend group, he’d make us laugh till it hurt. No one had a bad word to say about him. It was impossible not to like him. Usually we put celebrities, athletes and actors on pedestals, turn them into role models and admire them from a far. The person I admired was Joe.
Him and Sagar knew every word to the songs id write, we’d get drunk at parties and they’d be singing along as loud as they could. It gave me a lot of confidence back then.
On Christmas Eve 2010 I was sitting in a pub with Joe, he’d been feeling low after a couple of consecutive break ups. He tried to check himself into a mental health outpatient facility a few weeks earlier but they turned him away because he didn’t have an appointment. He turned to me and said that sometimes he wished he could just walk into the sea and keep walking. He said it in a kind of half joking throw away comment type of way, then took a sip of his drink, walked over to the juke box and put Dig by Incubus on. If I knew that was the last time I’d see Joe id have hugged him, told him how much I loved him, how much I looked up to him, how much we all loved him, and I wouldn’t have left that pub. I didn’t know that, so I finished my drink, said happy Christmas and left.
Two nights after Christmas I got woken up by a phone call at 3am, it was my friend Ella. She told me Joe was on the Menai Bridge, a large suspension bridge connecting the main land to the isle of Anglesey where we lived. He’d been on the phone to her in tears saying goodbye. He told her to tell everyone he loved them. I pulled on my clothes as fast as I could and started running toward the bridge. It was up a hill. I lived about a ten minute walk away, I could run it in five. As I ran I started dialling then redialing his number. The line was busy, which was a good sign, it meant he was still on the phone to someone. As I got about halfway, the busy tone changed. It told me the line was out of service. I got a sinking feeling and picked up my speed. I arrived to the bridge minutes after I left my house. It was deafeningly quiet. I was the first person to arrive. I got there probably about 2 minutes too late.
Joe’s body was never found.
Initially we refused to believe he was gone. The coastguard came out that night, with boats, and helicopters. Me and my friends spent the next 10 days putting up missing posters everywhere we could, walking up and down beaches with flashlights, getting about 3 hours sleep a night. When you’re walking up and down a beach with a torch when its dark everything looks like a body. We still haven’t found Joe.
As his birthday came around, I wrote a song, freckled angels, a song I dedicated to Joe which I sang in front of his friends and family. A charity football match was put on for him, raising money for the RNLI where I won two bottles of wine in a raffle, I drank them both as quickly as I could, naturally, turned to my friend and probably slurred something along the lines of “This is the last time I ever drink” That was 12 years ago, I haven’t touched a drop of alcohol since
Thank you so much for this. I was aware of how much Joe meant to Ren from Freckled Angels - a beautiful song, this adds so much to what was clearly a special relationship. I lost a friend, sudden heart attack, a few years ago, like Ren, I have many great memories of our times together, so many laughs. I feel to a certain extent what Ren continues to go through.
Damn.....
Thanks for this.
For those not aware of the events behind this song
@RenMakesMusic
And here's (part of) the writeup that Ren shared before the premiere and sent to his email list:
I first met Joe when I was 8 years old, my friend Josh said I had to meet this guy, so we both walked over to his, it took about 10 minutes from my house. I was greeted by this kid covered head to toe in freckles, he grinned at us, climbed onto the back of his sofa and screamed “Swanton Bomb!” then front flipped off the top and landed right onto his back on a stone floor. He lay still for a moment, twitched a few times, then got up, grinned at us, brushed himself off, and did it again.
This was Joe. He’d do anything to make people laugh. He ended up becoming one of my best friends. He was there when we stole our first cigarettes out of his mums pack, way too young. He was there when I had my first kiss, with a girl twice my size on the back of the 42 bus. He was there when I first got so drunk I threw up in the woods after drinking as much white lightning Cider as we could. I was there when he did his first backflip on skates, and saw him do a 720 off of the pier cave, that moment became legendary.
Joe was the funny one in our friend group, he’d make us laugh till it hurt. No one had a bad word to say about him. It was impossible not to like him. Usually we put celebrities, athletes and actors on pedestals, turn them into role models and admire them from a far. The person I admired was Joe.
Him and Sagar knew every word to the songs id write, we’d get drunk at parties and they’d be singing along as loud as they could. It gave me a lot of confidence back then.
On Christmas Eve 2010 I was sitting in a pub with Joe, he’d been feeling low after a couple of consecutive break ups. He tried to check himself into a mental health outpatient facility a few weeks earlier but they turned him away because he didn’t have an appointment. He turned to me and said that sometimes he wished he could just walk into the sea and keep walking. He said it in a kind of half joking throw away comment type of way, then took a sip of his drink, walked over to the juke box and put Dig by Incubus on. If I knew that was the last time I’d see Joe id have hugged him, told him how much I loved him, how much I looked up to him, how much we all loved him, and I wouldn’t have left that pub. I didn’t know that, so I finished my drink, said happy Christmas and left.
Two nights after Christmas I got woken up by a phone call at 3am, it was my friend Ella. She told me Joe was on the Menai Bridge, a large suspension bridge connecting the main land to the isle of Anglesey where we lived. He’d been on the phone to her in tears saying goodbye. He told her to tell everyone he loved them. I pulled on my clothes as fast as I could and started running toward the bridge. It was up a hill. I lived about a ten minute walk away, I could run it in five. As I ran I started dialling then redialing his number. The line was busy, which was a good sign, it meant he was still on the phone to someone. As I got about halfway, the busy tone changed. It told me the line was out of service. I got a sinking feeling and picked up my speed. I arrived to the bridge minutes after I left my house. It was deafeningly quiet. I was the first person to arrive. I got there probably about 2 minutes too late.
Joe’s body was never found.
Initially we refused to believe he was gone. The coastguard came out that night, with boats, and helicopters. Me and my friends spent the next 10 days putting up missing posters everywhere we could, walking up and down beaches with flashlights, getting about 3 hours sleep a night. When you’re walking up and down a beach with a torch when its dark everything looks like a body. We still haven’t found Joe.
As his birthday came around, I wrote a song, freckled angels, a song I dedicated to Joe which I sang in front of his friends and family. A charity football match was put on for him, raising money for the RNLI where I won two bottles of wine in a raffle, I drank them both as quickly as I could, naturally, turned to my friend and probably slurred something along the lines of “This is the last time I ever drink” That was 12 years ago, I haven’t touched a drop of alcohol since.
Glad you shared this!
Thanx for sharing this with us!
The Internet cried last night, for Ren, for Joe, for everyone that's sad 😢😢😢
Ren - making it ok to be human again.
Thank you.
Ive lost two close friends and a 2 cousin's to suicide, they were clever, intelligent, funny, empathetic, handsome. The fight is real ,the struggle is real, the epidemic is real. RIP mark , stef, wiggy Robert. Much love from Scotland 🏴 💚.
as i have said on another video, Ren is the master of silence and tears. almost every reaction ive seen leave everyone either speachless or broken. first words are either um or a choked wow. hes an artist, a bard and someone very very special
Lovely sensitive piece, Aileen. Ren broaches topics that are real and many of us can relate to. He is so open and unique, apart from talent in spades. I can't help thinking Ren is the brilliant person he is because of how he grew up and particularly for the evident kinship and love he has for Joe. Both when he was alive and since his passing.
Aileen, such a beautiful reaction, so honest, raw, genuine…. Can’t think any further tonight I’m crying to much. Thank you for sharing REN, thank you for being you.
Take care
Daz
Berrima, NSW, Australia
I have been on both sides of suicide. At 16 I attempted suicide, I'm lucky my family found me in time. Fast forward 20+ yrs and lost my cousin to suicide and a good friend. This song hurts on so many levels, for what I put my family through and what my family experiences now every birthday and holiday watching my cousins children grow up without him. I'm with you, no one should feel alone....thanks for sharing your story too. It provides an open door for others to speak abt our experiences...
Thank you for sharing, I'm glad you are a survivor.
I've also been on both sides, ended up losing my first girlfriend. My mind still goes in the direction of suicide whenever I feel like there's no way out but now I know I'd never do it because I know how that affects the ones that love you. I wouldn't wanna leave anyone with that guilt. So I totally feel for you and yeah, the song really hits pretty deep.
I lost my niece on the 20th of May (she was 12) 11 days away from her birthday; she passed away from Osteosarcoma that moved to her lungs. This song speaks volumes for those that are dealing with heartbreak as well as clinical depression... thank you for your reaction and I wish you all the best AileenSenpai.
Her name was Jen. I tried.
Thank you for the reaction. Something in me died long ago, but I get to feel things by watching others react. I love that Ren has brought mental illness to the front of society's thoughts.
I am deeply sorry for your loss. Stay strong!
His name was Adam, his name was Jonnny, his name was Toby, his name was Jon Boy. Although a part of us dies, we get the scar because we knew them, and although the scars are painful, and never heal, they are beautiful because we knew them, we felt them, we loved them. Carry the weight of that scar with pride Horizon, much love to you.
We know you did.
I'm sorry.
This one broke me. Because I had that friend in high school. He was 15.
Fifteen.
And he was a friend. Showed me how to be a friend. Showed me what friendship means. I didn't see it coming. He was so happy-go-lucky, empathetic and kind. No one saw his struggle until it was too late.
He never knew how much he mattered. He never knew how many people cared.
23 years later, I think of him still. With regret that I didn't see it coming. I should've seen it coming. Goddamnit.
Many people who have no idea of what it means to be living with mental illness often claim that suicide is a selfish act.
But most of the time it isn't. That one time they did it, was the first time they did something for themselves.
People who live under that weight live every day for the sake of others, carrying it to stay alive for their sake. And often still get attacked, told they need to get themselves together and do better.
How can you be selfish if you live your entire life in pain just for the sake and wish of others, who do not even understand you, or listen to you.
Being selfish is those on the other side, who look at someone who have lived in pain for most of their life for the sake of others, and never cared about it, until the moment they did one thing for themselves.
That is selfish.
But all that does not mean its less painful for those left behind, or can be at least.
Even more so if they are filled with guilt of their own selfish acts the years and years leading up such a thing.
And you can speak about this with one answer. For every time it happens, it has its own reasons. And many times there was no need for it to happen.
But sometimes there is. Chronical mental illness is always terminal. Even if it does not end by ones own hand. The weight of living with it take years of your life.
The medicine. Isolation and stress. A terminal illness is a illness that shorten your life. And that is what chronical mental illness does.
And in those cases, people who choose to be in control about how and when, then its not a act that could be stopped. Its the illness running it's cause.
Same way people die from cancer. Mental illness will eat you up from the inside, to a point you can no longer sustain yourself and you die.
And in those cases its not a choice someone make. Its the illness finishing what its been working on for years.
Well said.
Matti, thank you for expressing my thoughts and experience so eloquently
“and holding you my brother and telling you that it’s fine” and “i was late like a jerk” got me 😭😭🥺 as a suicide survivor it hit me so much harder
This song killed me when i first heard it. I went and hid myself away and bawled for at leqst 30 or 40 minutes. I lost my best friend (who would have been better classed as my real brother, we both came from really abusive homes and from the age of 5 we were eachothers rocks and support system through it all) to a suicide i could have stopped if i hadn't drank and drugged myself unconscious and missed the 19 calls he made to me and the 12 messages he left me in my begging me to answer and begging me for help. The last message simply said "you are the best friend i never dared to hope for. Thank you for giving me the love no on else ever did. Goodbye my friend" and then he took the shot gun his family owned and shot himself in the head mere moments after Calling me for the last time and leaving that message. I can explain further if anyone wants, but this is just the basics and why this song is so impactful for me.
Rest in peace eric, you're the best guy i've ever known.
Imagine being seconds away from being able to save your best friend... and failing!?!?
Ren Is Music, is Emotions, is Amazing!!!
I've struggled with suicidal ideation for years. These days, it is more like not wanting to wake up tomorrow rather than taking an active role in ending myself. Loneliness was my biggest trigger when I was young. These days, it's more about experiencing rampant transphobia and not being able to do anything about it. It just gets so heavy a weight to carry, you know? I guess the trick is to distract myself until old age takes me.
Hang in there, for you never know what the gods have planned for you. Maybe your suffering is just the test you have to fight through before better times will come..
But these are just shallow words from an old vet who has looked death in the eyes too often.
Stay strong 🙏.
Hang in there. I am an old redneck and have gradually changed my outlook on gender over the last decade or so. I think lots of people are adjusting. I hope you will get to experience a very noticeable betterment in people long before you experience old age.
we got you! we are a community of winners and victory!
Please don't hurt yourself because others don't agree with transexuality. I can tell you personally that I do not agree and I do not think children should have it pushed on them; but I also don't think (or want) anyone to hurt themselves over people having different opinions and beliefs. That's part of life.
You can tell that out of all the other reactors that you feel the most out of his lyrics. You definitely appreciate the true value of vulnerability. Vulnerability is not a weakness, it’s a strength. Thank you for this reaction
Aileen, thank you for the authenticity today. I think these reactions play an important role in helping to normalize emotions and expression for your viewers. You may not feel like it but like Ren you're doing powerful work out here in your channels and it means a lot to the people that watch you. Also, to make sure YOU remember as well, you're loved and cherished. You're appreciated and people are greatful to still have you here. Stay amazing.
This is a very true statement -^
great reaction by you thank you so much for sharing this video with us Aileen.👍
Ren hit me hard,I lost my son 2 year ago,he commit suicide we broke so try so hard to help him, is his twin sister..now we must stay strong for her..don,t want to loose her..thank you for your warm reaction..it comfort me..
I am so incredibly grateful to still be alive at the same time as creators like you and Ren. Thank you for everything you do Senpai
Great reaction! This one has been hard for me. I have dealt with depression for most of my life and much of what has kept me here is the realization of how it would hurt those I love. The second half of this song is brutal but it is also a good reminder of how it hurts those left behind.
Musically, it's another masterpiece. The video is so beautiful. Louis Mardlin is the video editor for Ren's animated type videos and he did a fantastic job with this one.
I have never had artist affect me so profoundly. Watching all the reactions videos and seeing everyone become vulnerable through his work. I have shed tears on every single time I watch. This is such an important piece of art. Thank you for your raw reaction to it ❤
Gonna be a heavy one
thank you for reacting to this sending all my love to you and your family, Ren is starting a movement of love ❤❤❤❤
I know the pain he feels, I've lost friends to suicide, I've seen the devastation this causes.
If I didn't have 2 people in my life that would feel that pain then I wouldn't have to wake up tomorrow but they are so I will
Sorry, I should have warned you how deep and sad this was when I told you about it
Thank you so much for sharing your emotions with us, Aileen. You're a beautiful soul, you seem so caring and thoughtful 🤍 hope you're doing well
Tears were streaming down my face also what a beautifully vulnerable song about a subject that needs to be talked about.❤🩹
And thank you for talking about you. I love that. Hug your demons, otherwise they'll bite you in the ass.
I have been this way for about 12yrs. Every day is a struggle. The only thing that stops me is I see the faces of my children getting the news. It would devastate them to hear of my death but entirely different if I did so myself especially as their mother sees suicide as cowardly. I have a genuine fear I will grow to resent my children for impeding my exit
Many have survival regret. I, also lost a few friends to suicide. It's hard to get moving after experiencing the loss, and it can drag you way down at times. The way I get passed that feeling is living for them and doing things that we all talked about doing as kids. Out of 7 of us, there is only my brother and one other person left.
While I would love to take everyone’s pain away, it’s what makes us who we are, and for what it’s worth I’m sorry….
Thanks again for this incredible heartfelt reaction Aileen.
I feel what he is talking about. I luckily got got help a few years ago. ❤️
I know i have already said this. Aileen you have such a wonderful heart and your a speacial soul. Thank you for keeping it real!!!!!!!!!!!
Incredible, as always!!
Feel your pain and sadness as many are all doing at this moment in time. Ren is the master of making us aware of life issues in such a wonderful deep way. Love your reactions.
A wonderful reaction from an awesome person. Thank you for your incredible reaction. This is such an important song for everyone.
This hit very close to home for me and helped more than I would ever have imagined.
Aileen, You've gotta check out "How to be Me (live) - Ren X Chinchilla". I think this song actually helps give context to that one. Both are hauntingly beautiful.
I feel sorry for you Aileen , I know what’s coming😭
In a weird way I was looking forward to this reaction from the moment it dropped. Like Ren I feel your quite genuine and you'd resonate with what he his brining. Thank you for your reaction, it's in a way therapeutic
the last part was inspired by his interview with Knox Hill
I wouldn't watch the last part at first, I just watched it for the first time to your reaction, because I knew you would be as torn up as I was, and give it it's proper respect, so thank you.
Him and Chinchilla's other track "How to be me" is also about his friend who took his own life. He goes into the story a little more on the Knox interview, enough that he had Knox crying, so just be prepared if you check that out. In short, his friend texted or group texted all his mates in their tight nit circle in the middle of the night, that he was at a certain bridge and couldn't handle life anymore, Ren was physically closest to that location, and ran as fast as he could and by later estimates from when his friends phone signal went out, Ren was about 2-3min. from being able to get to him and stop him. The one positive that Ren takes from it is, the fact that he had just started getting sick, and was still undiagnosed, and was suicidal himself. After seeing the unstoppable wave of grief and destruction his friends death did to their circle of friends and family, he swore to himself that he would never want to bring that on others he cared about, (not that he was ever angry at his friend for that, his friend just had no idea) so he took suicide off the table as a way of dealing with his disease.
Lastly, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for talking openly about such things and encouraging people to get help. Whenever you cover such issues, will you remind your subs in the U.S. that just last fall, we have a new national Life Crisis and Suicide Hotline set up, similar to 911 for physical emergencies, this number is 988, and you'll immediately be connected to trained social workers / mental health professionals to help you. The old 9 or 10 digit suicide hotline number is still active too, and will re-direct to the new hotline, thank you!
im a 50 year old australian male. i have severe mental health issues, and suicidal ideation daily since i was 12. Ren is my newfound hero, between this and Hi Ren his music is brilliant but cried through the end of this song like a baby. i love your vids Aileen
I am suffering myself from double depression, chronical depersonalization, anxiety disorder and a chronic pain disorder. In 2020 I lost a brother in mind and heart by suicide.
I never had anyone I could have so much fun with and do stupid / crazy things. That's something I never do but with him it was possible.
And we shared our dark side, told us about our demons.
It still hurts as hell and just thinking about that one movement and what came next (he killed himself with a rope) makes me feel miserable and sad and empty. I can feel so much with what describes here.
This hit so hard. This hit so deep!
So honest. So true. So brutal. So painful: Emotionally and even physically.
He actually loves to write songs for his friend. Freckled angel and forgot how to be me are both songs dealing with joe and loss. And this song was a mix of how he has felt over the years being sick and wanting to just give up but joes suicide hit him so hard he couldnt allow himself to
I've cried more times to that last part in the last 24 hrs that I can count. It's just an emotionally vulnerable song. I love it.
Thank you, Aileen, for your heartfelt reaction and review! It is difficult for me to find the words that describe the mixed feelings I have after watching this and other Music Videos by Ren Gill. It is obvious to me that "Ren's" work comes from someone who has experienced, first hand, the subject of his writings. Knowing that makes Ren special, and makes Ren's message special. I commend Ren for delving into the difficulty of hearing and confronting human condition and experiences!
REN keeps making people cry…
"You feel like you're an NPC walking around." That is such a good description of the experience of antidepressants for many Aileen.
I feel like that without the anti-depressants.
Great reaction. Everything you said was very well said.
That definitely was a hard one I've had a few friends from highschool who committed suicide & I still am in shock about it & never know what to say when I see their families especially my one friends dad because my one friend which was also Tyler & his mom committed suicide in a short time of each other i honestly wish i could go back in time & talk to him i and prevented it i didnt see him for awhile & found out at the last minute unfortunately what was going on atlot of people I knew from highschool etc are dead due to drugs, suicide etc
Ren, please don't stop!! I have never cried so much from just pure emotion taking over when I listen to your works. @AileenSenpai you always bring great music to us that is life helping/changing. Thank you!!
Ren made the internet cry for two days straight now.
Beautiful reaction Aileen. All the very best from the UK
When you look at the water and ready to jump ...You are looking at the breaks in clouds reflecting on water ...THUS "Falling through the cracks of the night sky . Ty ren ty.
9:25 "It's ok to not be ok."
My 6yo son is fighting kidney cancer. Going through radiation, chemo, hair loss, the whole schtick.
Thank you for putting this into such succint, perfect words.
I'm not ok, and that's ok.
Amazing reaction! It's a powerful thing that people who hasn't met before and on the other side of the world can help and listen to each other. You should listen to Ren - Dear God and also Ren - Freckled Angel.
This was a tough 1 to get through being in that suicidal place before.....i grew up in a family of gangbangers who all had that "blood in blood out/death before dishonor" mentality wen i was 18 i was planning on leaving detroit behind and moving away from it all and i got stabbed and shot up by my own brother and cousin, that feeling going through my recovery learning how to walk again, the family betrayal, having nobody to turn to at the time and feeling like there is 8 billion people sharing this spinning rock with me and not 1 of them is there to help me out of this dark place im in....i wouldnt wish those thoughts and feelings on my worst enemy....i actually took myself up to lake michigan sat on a rock above the lake and put a gun in my mouth and pulled the trigger hoping i would blow my brains out fall backwards and dissapear into the water luckily for me the gun jammed and didnt work and that snapped me back to reality and made me think "wtf did i just try doing" and i realised in that moment i have 2 people to turn to my grandpa down in alabama and this girl i used to hang out with wen i visited my grandpa and i made my way down to alabama.....im 28 now and im married to that girl and we have 2 beautifull twins and we both left america behind and moved over to the uk to get as far away from that shit as possible and life is good now.....9 years ago i had nothing to loose and nothing to live for and now i have everything to loose and 2 kids and a wife to live for
@AileenSenpai - You showed your true love for humanity with your words and emotions towards anyone and everyone that are suffering. Let me be the mirror that sends this message right back at you. We all care deeply for those around us. We forgive and help at anytime. Yet we do the exact opposite to ourselves. We over judge, we don't forgive and we constantly tear ourselves down. Aileen I have been so amazed watching your channel and the emotion that you evoke in us, your fans. Never forget your extreme beauty and worth that you so eloquently express towards all of us. We all need to learn to be so much more gently with ourselves. Like a parent teaching a babe to walk. its never with anger and judgement. Yet we crucify ourselves when we judge something that we may have done, all while - We are all just learning to Life. Love yourselves - Time slips through our fingers so quickly. ( Parabola - lyrics - A chance to be alive and breathing). Aileen you are constantly touching so many lives with your channel. With your music. THANK YOU.
4 years ago today my best friend Matt took his life this song gets me everytime 💔😢 I LOVE YOU MATT I MISS YOU BRO 💔💔💔
I just subscribed to your channel. You have also touched me with your warmth, kindness, nurture, empathy and compassion for human beings who are suffering deeply, no adjective can articulate those pounded wounds we were slayed with by the ones who we just wanted to be loved by, to be held in the arms that wrapped themselves around us as we came into this world. What changed? What happened? Why did they stop loving us; did they ever love us? Why did we, the innocents who came into this world become their psychological, mental and physical punching bags that expunged our growth into adulthood? All the years in between the darkness that became my saviour and the light that terrified me. So many of us are Ren, and Ren is the language that speaks to everyone like that of their mother tongue despite our cultural heritage and background. We are not foreign to each other because we have suffered the monstrous ferocity in the bleeding ink of our hearts from the evil hands of man and woman. ......... Four years ago I jumped off a building and survived my suicide attempt. One of quite a few but this one I was sure was going to work and when it didn't I came out of a coma after 13 days with 9 broken ribs, two punctured lugs a broken sternum, and clavicle with severe trauma to my abdomen and cracked skull, I discharged myself from hospital consumed with rage and fury that I failed to kill myself. So off I went straight to the bottle shop all busted up barely walking but I was on a mission, this time I would get the job done. I necked a bottle of brandy in a blink of an eye. By now with all the fentanyl and copious amounts of other opioids in my system to numb the broken body, I was dragging along, my beautiful body; I felt next to no pain because the now-guzzled bottle of brandy had served its anaesthesia; long enough to have a stranger come over to me and offer me crack/Ice and dwell in my misery. Little did he know what my plan was. So we drank and drugged and the next thing I know I'm waking up again after being brought back to life. You see I was clinically dead but he didn't want to have it on his watch so he called the ambulance when I stopped breathing; he/ the ambulance saved my life. The same scenario 13 days later I came out of a coma; AGAIN!!! My service dog he took care of and every day he called to tell me that my boy was doing okay because that's all I cared for. That and my twin sister. The guilt, the remorse the trauma I had put her through still haunt me to this day. I cannot find the mercy in myself to forgive me for subjecting her to the horror of my actions. Something in me shifted after the second attempt. I still don't know to this day what that is but I acknowledged my cPTSD, BDT, addiction and suffering that I lived with for decades and accepted round-the-clock care from every physician thrown my way. It took me 11 months for all of my broken bones to fully heal. The right-hand side clavicle fracture was so badly broken that it's never healed properly and my dominant arm is partly crippled and bung as a result of it. Hopefully, after surgery which I am still waiting for will give me full use of my arm again. Time will tell. When I cracked my head open something neurological shifted. I no longer have the obsession to drink or crave alcohol. That's a MIRACLE and it's the truth. I started drinking at the age of nine and couldn't stop for more than 4 decades after that smash to my head on a bare concrete ground I have zero taste or yearning to drink or use drugs. Just like that, my addiction went up in thin air. The audio and visual hallucinations are also vanquished but I am still left with everything else. However, I am doing really well now. Still in intense therapy for all of my childhood trauma and mental health challenges. I have a healthier, much, much healthier relationship with my twin sister who equally suffered alongside me from the brutal monstrous and terrifying trauma of our childhood years and so forth but we have come through it. Differently on very different paths of recovery but we are solid. Thank God she has never had any mental health or addictions but she most definitely endured her suffering because of the horror and terror of the evil we were subjected to as little girls. 4/ 4half years later we stand tall, triumphant and successful, flourishing little by little in every precious moment we are given the same air that God puts into our lungs so that we get to breathe in this beautiful life together with two hearts that are intertwined as one in the way only twins can fully understand. I still have my other life lying right here beside me snoozing away in what's finally become the inner peace that surrounds him every single day; my divine and beautiful Service dog. All I ever wanted in my life is here now. I sit quieter now because I don't go against the line. I'm additionally blessed with a healthier self and continue to work on everything. I intend to for the rest of my life and I want to give the best part of me to my hero twin sister Tamara, my fur God son and be there for everyone I dearly love and strangers one and all the love I have to give so that humanity and animals cease to suffer. I wish I had one superpower and that would be to eradicate all suffering but since I haven't I'll give it my all to do as much as I can to be that woman who at the very least will try.
The truth is that we all die. Diseases,car accidents, cancer,drownings, wars and of course suicide. The last one we can all avoid and all we need to do is talk to someone. If that talk doesn't help you then what?? Suicide? No absolutely not. Get help ladies and gentlemen!! Much love from Australia......................
I’ve had thoughts of this every single day and every single time something goes wrong and honestly it gets exhausting. So hard to explain to people who don’t understand. Finding REN was awesome for me. It’s helped me so much. I’m fighting everyday and if you hurting keep fighting as well.
I personally think you should have a day in the week where you do reactions to happy songs just to balance it out. It feels mean that we keep suggesting depressing songs, we should let you have some respite and do something uplifting.
The end always fucks me up. Very similar situation to Ren and Joe, a good mate shot himself after a phone call to me and another friend. We drove there over 100 mph and had to break in to find him. That “ai picture running quicker, 5 minutes I’m right in time” still hasn’t gone away 10 years later.
I can’t imagine never being able to find his body, the fucked up lingering hope for days or weeks after, searching the water for him.
That’s some shit, man. I’m just glad it wasn’t his little brother who found him.
The fucked up thing is, the vast majority of suicides aren’t something planned out over weeks and months. They’re sudden, impulsive decisions made mere 2-3 minutes before the attempt. There are no notes. There are no Wills. Just an overwhelming urge to die. So, really, most people don’t show many signs before trying. I wish it weren’t so.
Don't do it.
DO NOT DO IT!
It'll END the chance of you feeling happiness or contentment again. You'll never be able to help someone again. You'll never have the opportunity to get warm, when you're cold!
Wow .. didn’t see that coming! Powerful … very rare performer!!!
To you, Aileen and all your viewers.......above all, keep 'Joe' ( R.I.P ) in your prayers.......we share Ren's pain.................
I had that...lost friends due to suicide. 😢😢 Lost my mom due to a misdiagnosis, and allergic reaction...ugh...i don't go to hospital's. I always felt as if I was "an experiment.:" I remember that same feeling, from childhood into the teenage years.
Hello!! I watch your show whenever you uplod. Can I suggest a song? I want you to review that "Kotha Koiyo Na-Coke Studio Bangla Season 2" please!! 🤗
Hello AileenSenpai I was wondering what you think about the song: My first, My last My everything by Barry White
Senpai i'm just sending a cry for help, I know you can't help me
I've reached out to some online friends and one said I had a cry for help but thatt's all he said.
i reached out to a girl I loved back in school she shas a life I was wong to message her she said I could use a therapis and I didn't make anmy mistakes. I did/ I did I remember m I mmad so many mistakes.
But you know how mcuh that hurt, maybe that bwas her intention. I told her I had no friends and no one else to call. That's the truth though.
And don't tell me I need a therapist last one I went to it didn't go well, they're actually stuck up didn't want tto list to listen to what I was saying/ like At all.
UA-camres like to say there is help you're not aloone but what really can you do. What really. Just say stuff. Yeah we're here for you, great I guess.
It's oaky it's the though that counts. That will help. Surely
"Wer're here for you you;re not alone" aren't even vomfort words. They're ust "oh that's nice". But to be fairr to you, what eslse can you do, right? Like of course you can only feel for people. Of course. Sigh.
I'm sorry. I just wanted to say you're excpetionally beautiful but I don't watch you in a creepy way you imagine I just enjoy your videos.
But you are beautiful. Just know that, maybe at least there'll be a smile sometime knowing "Yeah, I am who is is exceptional, I am amazing and I am a star"
Hope so.
Best part you'll never see this comment I'm just crying for help that's just impossible to ask for.
I'm sorry I have to edit this. your beauty what I t break my heart how you tried to end it. You are the most beautiful person ion this space. I know maybe it might not mean much, given the past can cautch up to us very quickly. At least if anythgin your beauty is with us today.
also the way you raise your eyebrow. But I knows you're VERY awaer of how enticing that looks. Agaian, not creepy. Just watching
videos.
I may not be a huge fan of his style or sound, but I always really enjoy listening to what he has to say. That was seriously deep. I can't imagine going through that. I've lost friends to suicide as well and others in accidents, unexpected sickness, etc.. But, I can't imagine the feeling of, "What if I'd been there 2 minutes sooner. Maybe I could have saved him/her". That's gotta absolute eat a person alive. Even though it was in no way his fault, that could cause serious trauma and feelings of guilt even if it's unwarranted. Damn... Honestly, having experienced losing people myself is probably what has saved me on multiple occasions. I couldn't put the few people who care through that. Even if it was only 1 person in the world who cared... I couldn't do that to them. The hurt is everlasting.
For the ones that see no other choice
For the ones left behind
PLEASE!!!
Reach out … Friend or stranger
Good people out number A-holes
RIP Joe
I've been at this game for 50 years, only being suicidal would've been a proactive step up for me. I just wanted to goddamn die. And since feeling that, I've buried two kids. One newborn and one 27 years old to covid. And I'm still here.
Watch Joe by Ren.... Listen to him play Marley or Ozzy for more electric guitar. So so much more to watch lol
If anyone is looking for more vulnerable artists, I would suggest AJR, Orla Gartland, Lizzie McAlpine, Dodie, or Aurora. (It’s kind of my niche)
I related to their music after I got out of a lot of self hatred, but then that resurfaced after I hurt a person I loved through good intentions, and simultaneous lapses in judgement on multiple levels. And then a similar thing happened again, but under more forgivable circumstances this time. I fear that I’m just a ticking time bomb moments away from destroying another close friend. But it would be a shame if someone who is also struggling were to … because then there is one less person who can relate, and help others through it. You only have one chance to create something beautiful to you.
If you wanna get your heart to explode you need to listen to Greta Van Fleet: Meeting The Master. You are literally going to be blown away by this man’s vocals. He’s an incredible talented individual. Trust me you’ll love it ❤️❤️
"Bullet" by Hollywood Undead is a song about suicide that's masked with a cheery tempo.
A beautiful and heartfelt reaction, to a beautifully poetic and heartbreakingly emotional song.
I can so relate to this song, even if it's not my type of music. I've lost two of of my friends to suicide. Well, one of them to overdose, but I think it was his way of going out. I struggled with these thoughts about suicide for more than half of my life. Been to psycho wards 4 times. And even though I know from experience how our psyche works, I still can't decide if I am weak or they were weak.
Sorry for my English.
How to be me live with chinchilla. That's another gut punch about his friend. But it's a must listen for sure. R.I.P Joe Hughes
This hits home, man. At 16, I tried to commit suicide. My sister found me and i feel so bad that she saw me like that. Im 32 now..last week i randomly started hallucinating, seeing people.i actually called the police because i thought there was a group of girls in my house. I ended up fainting and for 3 days i was on the mental health floor. I cant remember anything. My husband stayed with me. He told me i was screaming,not recognizing my mother and sister. Anyway, i flatlined twice. When i came back to reality, i was in the ICU. Had my brain being monitored. My arms were covered in bruises from them trying to get an I.V in...i have shitty veins. Spent 3 more days stuck in that bed before i was able to go home. Im so grateful that the police called an ambulance and my husband who met me at the hospital. Its insane how thankful i am now to still be alive.