My mother was given a lobotomy 5 years before I was born. She was absolutely the definition of “ a shell of a person.” When I was in my 40s, my father told me this story. He was worried that I never “acted like a baby,” and even though I was 18 months showed no interest in playing or even crawling. they took me to a doctor. What my father told me 20 years ago is exactly what is shown in these videos. He said I was given blocks and such and all I did was look at them with anxiety. At the end of the test the doctor told my mother he was sorry to tell them that I was severely retarded and needed to be institutionalized. My father says my mother sighed with relief and said, “Ok.” Luckily, my father said that he wanted a second opinion. He said the second doctor paid less attention to me and more to my mother. Then he questioned my mother and found out that she kept me all day alone in a dark bedroom. He told her that she had to keep me in the living room with her and had to talk to me. Within a few weeks I was walking. Thank god my father did what he did. It was the 50’s and I think he believed as many did that babies were just the purvey of mothers. He was always in denial about her lobotomy and her dreadful mental unhealth. I’m afraid if I had been institutionalized as a baby I’d probably still be there today.
@@stellarauclair Your judgement and assumptions about this family are appalling. Nothing about this story implies sexual abuse on anyone's part. If his mother was left handicapped from having a portion of her brain surgically removed, she is not also unfit to properly care for a child. Just as the doctor from second opinion noted. Dad wasn't "chilling" as someone needed to work to support the mentally handicapped wife and young child. Edit for clarity: Handicap does not equate to vegetative. Unfit is a state which can vary repeatedly with and without mental illness. It is not only a side effect of lobotomy or mental illness. Her being able to foster the child's development after guidance verifies this.
How funny, I actually watched this film a few days ago. I worked with preschool children aged 2-4 for 14 years and you can really see the difference the home life can have. Obviously just because a child is withdrawn or the like at preschool doesn't mean they're neglected at home, there can be a number of reasons. One specific child I remember. She was 3 and with her parents and siblings. She was filthy (the family were known) all she would do was stand with her head down, and not engage with anyone. Just a couple of weeks later after an incident involving the father, the children were removed from the family home. After a month she returned to preschool, now living with her new Foster parents as an only child. It was like looking at a different, totally different child. She was obviously clean, wearing pretty clothes that she loved, and she was smiling talking as much as she could (she had learning difficulties) and engaging with adults and children. When she was collected she went skipping to the carers and smiling. It shows having the physical and emotional needs met make such a difference and in such a short time I was I awe of this sweet little girl.
Your comment made me cry, I’m so happy for her that she got the care she needed. Hopefully that was a permanent change. I work with kids, teaching them how to swim, and we have one kid who is scared of the water and all the grandparent does when they don’t want to get in is bash them for wasting their money and time. It’s hard to watch but isn’t considered abuse so we can’t really do anything about it.
I was born prematurely and spent the first eight weeks of life in a NICU incubator in the hospital. It was back before they knew how important touch was for newborns, so I was not held or touched except for shots, blood draws and vitals etc. I was then abandoned by my mother at 18 months, raised in an extremely violent home and spent the years between 2-6 locked in a closet most of the time. I don't say all of this to be a downer. I want people to know that even with all of that trauma, I am here, learning how to not only survive but thrive. I did not learn how to play as a child. I am on the autism spectrum and have PTSD so my brain is vastly different than the norm. I just want those of you who have suffered similarly to know that there is so much hope. There are beautiful things to live for. I'm sorry that someone made you think you are hard to love. I promise that is not the case. You are all precious, sacred, beloved beings and I pray we all heal in the ways we need to. Blessings
So sorry to hear about the rough start in life, but what a blessing that you have learned to adapt and thrive as you say. That's such a good word for it. I hope you have a beautiful life filled with love and that you continue to be a blessing and an encouragement to others.
My sister-in-law was adopted from Russia at the age of 3. The condition of the orphanage was deplorable. There was a large room filled with cribs and the only attention the babies got was changing and feeding. After coming to the states, she was medically diagnosed with Turner Syndrome and Borderline Personality Disorder. She was raised in an abusive family. She is now 35 yrs old, married, works in the medical field, and is doing really well. She is very compassionate, loves unconditionally, and wears her heart on her sleeve, but she needs almost constant reassurance that she is loved and wanted. She’s an amazing person and I’m so proud of her.
We figured this out in the 1800s. It's been a while since I learned of this, so the finer details are a bit hazy. It was an orphanage, and it was like you describe, only necessary handling of the babies. Infant mortality was really high. until someone started picking up the babies more, cradling them more. Just touching them more. Infant mortality dropped. Touching is so very important for babies. To the point it's fatal. Sorry, it was just something my brain remembered since you mentioned those conditions. I'm really sad about what happened to your sister in law, and really happy that she has a loving supporting family in you.
It's almost like personality disorders are just psych professionals lazy excuse for trauma they don't want to or can't deal with... sorry, slightly besides the point but also absolutely not, especially if this diagnosis came as a child.
I am from Russia and nothing has changed in the orphanages since then. Children live in horrible conditions. The only difference that now foreigners cannot adopt them, because the shitty government would rather let them rot in the orphanages, than let them have a decent life with a good medical care and loving parents in 'evil America' and 'gay propagating Europe'. I'm glad your sister in law made it out of there.
@@0Jenna7I learned about a study done where they paired elderly in nursing homes with infants in NICU and the results were astonishing. Both the babies and the elderly were much healthier, happier, had higher survival rates and at the milestones check-ups for the babies those that had time with the elderly had thrived significantly more both physically and mentally. There is a definite correlation between touch and quality of life and life itself. The fact that science has no way to IMPLEMENT these findings with greedy insurance companies, politicians and doctors is criminal.
I am a retired nurse. I had a baby that I took care of in the home on one of my jobs. The child was severely mentally and physically disabled. When I was taking care of her I talked to her held her when she was awake and read to her as if she were a normal child. I was one of two nurses the parents preferred because I treated their child like a normally developed child. Many studies have been done that demonstrate infants and children need physical and emotional interaction to develop normally.
I was adopted at 6 months old after being taken from a severely neglectful and abusive environment. This was the mid 60's. My parents had no idea what they were getting. Only in my 50's (I'm almost 60), have I begun to understand my "idiosyncrasies". I don't remember what happened to me for those first 6 months, but my psyche does. My aunt told me that when my parents first got me my mom would try to rock me in a chair and feed me like you would a normal baby. I would climb down from her lap crawl into the corner and rock myself to sleep on all fours. I'm almost 60 years old and I still rock myself to sleep at night, but lying on my side. Let's not even get into my anxiety and depression.
It's really tragic to realise how crucial those early years experiences are. They seem to set the foundation for a person's whole future psyche. Wishing you all the best.
I'm so sorry this happened to you! Please know that it was your patents' inability to love you and didn't have anything to do with how you were mistreated. You are, I can tell, a beautiful person who deserved so much more love and attention than you received. I hope you continue on the road toward healing and acceptance of yourself as a vital, important piece of the great eternal puzzle. Much love from Tennessee
Family friends adopted the child of the wife's adopted brother, so no blood relation. The parents had asked the couple to take the child for the weekend at about 6 mos and never came back for him. No matter what they did, this poor child cried every night in terror for the first year. He was such an adorable little boy, loving and anxious to please. I hadn't seen him since he was about 8. A few years ago I saw him on facebook, now in his 50s, and it was so sad. I could still see that little boy in those eyes, along with the poverty and loneliness he seems to be living in - despite growing up with a father who was a millionaire in the 60s
People should start treating babies like they're GASP tiny human beings. And what do human beings generally dislike? Being neglected, ignored and abused, omg what an amazing scientific breakthrough.
I was sitting upstairs while my mom was on the phone with a pregnant friend. I was 15 at the time. My mother knew I was sitting right there as she compared my pregnancy and babyhood with my sister. I made her extremely sick, I moved and kicked a lot, and she considered aborting me. I was an extremely painful long delivery. I cried constantly; she was told to ignore me (although, in her words, ‘her father would go to her and spoil her’! Maybe that’s why I love my dad). My sister’s pregnancy was so easy that mother wouldn’t know she was pregnant if it wasn’t for the ultrasound. She pretty much fell out; they were able to leave the hospital the next day. She didn’t wake them up at night, but I was crying at age 2 bc I was so afraid of the dark! That was when I went down to my room and cried tears of grief. It explained so much about my family dynamics. I didn’t even cry when she died. Hadn’t talked to her in years!
I’m so sorry you went through that. Your mother was a narcissist. None of what she said was true. You were the scapegoat child and your sister was the golden child. There are lots of videos explaining about narcissistic people and the way they react people around them. Knowledge doesn’t fix the damage done but it does help to know the truth.
No matter how hard her pregnancy was, it was not your fault and you didn't deserve that treatment. My pregnancy was quite difficult but my son is a good kid and I would go through it again a million times over to make sure he exists. Honestly the fact that you had moved on with your life enough to remove all emotion speaks huge volumes about your strength. I hope you're thriving despite the way your were treated. Sadly I think I'll be able to say the same about my father after his death.
relax- if you are the first kid, the first one is harder to come to terms with and more painful and longer because your body doesnt know what it needs to do just yet and maybe you are in shock about having someone depending on you for the rest of your life. Also if she considered abortion it means you were an accident. Also you are associating things with yourself that have nothing to do with you as a person. Considering an abortion would have happened with any child that came at that time in her life. her being sick and having a long delivery completely irrelevant. With you crying constantly, she followed a doctors advice. She most likely had a postpartem depression and didnt feel like interacting with anyone so she was happy to follow it. The only thing Id say is she shouldnt have made fun of your fear of the dark because thats her fault. Kids dont just become afraid of the dark. They are afraid because their parents make them feel insecure in some way. Also to be fair you were eavsedropping on a private conversation. She didnt tell you this to your face and what she said is also not really talking about you behind your back because its not actually negative. she was talking about her experience/difficulty and not you as a person. Of course mothers have these difficulties and its better to talk about it than bottle them up.
@@danan9061there is no way to justify that woman’s cruelty. she said such horrible things - including that she considered abortion - knowing that her child was within earshot..this speaks to any normal, rational person, of a cruel and malicious woman who enjoyed twisting the knife inside one daughter’s heart whilst doting lovingly on the other…this was not an isolated instance of such cruelty, either, as the daughter had nothing to do with her mother, likely from the moment she could separate herself from her…I sincerely hope you do not have children as you seem incapable of separating decent, kind behaviour from cruelty..
@danan9061 my forth was my hardest pregnancy and birth. I treat all my children equally, even my step daughter. I wouldn't ever coincider how my pregnancy and birth went as the child's fault and treat them differently because of it. Pregnancy was my choice.
This comment really goes out to baby Travis...We fostered you last year during the pandemic. You where like these babies...My mom was working as an ER nurse and was the emergency foster who took you in. You seemed so sad, and you had barely lived. The beautiful thing, was before you where moved to your grandparents, we managed to get a smile out of you, a giggle. It was honestly the most beautiful and rewarding thing I had experienced. Our family was naïve in how emotionally neglected babies can be, with such a huge family, we had only been used to bouncing happy babies. You taught us so much about love as well. I hope that wherever you are now, you're doing much better, and living a full and beautiful life.
My Mom was a stay at home Mom who believed in the cry it out method. She also would tell babies and toddlers to stop crying. She ran a daycare. She blames my lack of liking to be hugged or touched on the fact that I was premature, but she fails to acknowledge her part as well.
I don't know, my mum was very cuddly. She also believed a baby can never be spoiled (kids different story tho) but I hate touching and hugging in general and absolutely loathe anything close to my face, including my own baby who is 1mo. I am the adult though, so for the sake of my baby I can deal with my issues with his little baby face homing in on mine. Perhaps there is some environmental influence attributing to peopled preferences in being touched or held, but I think there is some innate factor to it as well.
SAME and i was forced to hug my abusive father constantly because complained to my mom "he felt upset that i didn't love him" so she forced me with guilt every time, it was violating torture. I wasn't allowed to say no or I "was hurting him and being a brat"
@@DivineLightPaladin when we were younger, my dad, when drunk, would try to force my brother & i to give my mom a hug n kiss even though she was sleeping. he would get mad when we didn't want to
@@DivineLightPaladin I experienced the same thing, only for me, it was just a creepy great uncle I didn't have to see all that often, but when I did, he always wanted to kiss me on the lips (which I avoided at all costs). After being so guilted about it over the years, I finally just did it one day. The experience was just as foul as I expected it to be but the interesting thing is once I finally gave in, it never was expected of me again for some reason. It still affects me to this day tho. I completely understand what you went through, it's truly horrible to have your closest family not respecting your right to decide who you choose to give affection to.
Watch from the USA. Years ago my husband and I met a couple who had adopted a little girl from India. The little girl was 3 or 4 years old, but was not talking yet, except for "mama" and "dada" and seemed more like a 1 year old. She was very small for her age and developmentally delayed. As I talked to the mother I found out why. In India, at that time, little girls in an orphanage were not wanted. It was thought that no one would ever adopt them so they were left alone. They were fed and changed and nothing more. Never rocked, cuddled or talked to. This family had to take that baby back to newborn and go through all the stages with her and bring her up to age so to speak. They were making progress, but she wasn't up to age yet. I talked to the little girl myself and spent some time with her and even had her saying a new word by the time I left.
@@chetyoubetya8565 No, she means they are not wanted by ANYONE, not just the parents who left them at the orphanage. As in, NO ONE will even want to adopt them, so why waste time on them, just ignore them, etc, because people only ever want the BOYS.
The worshipping of boys in both India and China is resulting in a lack of women and girls by the millions! The level of stupidity is thru the roof.🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
I have noticed this kind of behavior in my grandson i am fostering him and his 5 month old brother when Archie who is 2 year old first came to stay he didnt know how to play i got him being a child and playing reading stories and showing affection to me he awas happy and well adjusted social services decided to place him back with his parents which lasted 6 months he was a completely different child when he came back all he wanted was an i pad he wouldnt sing with me engage in play but in yhe 4 weeks i have had him back my husband and i have worked hard he is playing again he is singing again and most omportant he is happy again xxx Eli is 5 months old and we think he has seperation anxiety he will not sleep unless he is in someones arms or in our bedgonna be a long road but i am honna do everyrhing in my power to let these little boys have a great childhood xx
I have an abuse, particularly emotionally background, but the big thing I noticed watching this is how much my rescue parrots follow this pattern, which I find interesting. I have 2 lorikeets, who were locked in separate tiny cages for a decade with basically no attention, perfectly cleaned & maintained cages & fresh food & water daily (although not the right type of food for their species), but no emotional care. They're lorikeets, who are normally really gregarious & confident & into everything, but mine just sit there & if I leave the room, they're calling me with their "contact calls" (where are you?) within seconds of me leaving. Teaching them to play & be birds is incredibly hard, cause their brains are just not wired for it, they just don't know what to do. Boy also refuses physical contact with me or girl bird too due to his abuse. 2.5 years with them & they are slowly learning to play, girl has now started to empty her toy basket & even, very occasionally "play" with a toy for a few seconds beyond just pulling it out of the basket & dropping it. Boy's a little better, he likes exploring gravity, carrying occasional toys & constant food dishes to the cage door & dropping them out of it & laughing as they hit the ground below. Neither will leave their cage due to insecurity issues, so I can leave the doors open on the cage all the time. Interestingly too, the only thing I can get them to play with in any reasonable way is their food & water dishes, food & water, along with me being there are their only real focuses in life. Toys & general fun stuff with no survival purpose they won't focus on for more than a very short period before returning to those. Isn't it interesting how it's not just humans that suffer this stuff, but the same applies to other social animals too, even if, in nature, those animals don't get a huge amount of, or long period of care from their parents. Same is known to happen outside just my birds too, monkeys kept as pets are notorious for having behavioural issues, orcas in captivity become violent/psychopathic, due to the denial of their emotional needs etc etc
It really sounds like you have done a wonderful job with your rescue parrots. It's such a beautiful story! I have a rescue eclectus and while he was not abused, I am still really happy and proud that he is such a well-adjusted guy. I bet with a little more time and patience you will be able to get them out of the cage, on their own time. Food motivation is a very powerful thing, as is attention from you. If you put a chair up to the cage and sit and read and sing to them and eat some treats, they may get curious about the outside world. Or you can put a perch on the inside of the cage for and when they step on and you open the door, they will be outside the cage. lots of treats for that. only very good things happen outside the cage, you know!
@@susank2019 Thanks :) & yeh, these are the sorts of things I've done over the last couple of years. I can actually now get them to come just out of their cage while I'm there for security, still no need to ever close the doors on the cage though, as they won't come out to fly away or anything. I actually have perches attached to the outside of the cage, all over it & I hang apple & other treats on the outside to try to get them to climb out to the perches on the outside of the cage (and make less mess inside the cage by eating it there) & I hang containers off the little open doors on the end with things like lettuce in them, lettuce being their favourite, so they will stick their heads out to eat that fairly willingly now. I started out target training them inside the cage & then moving the target near the open door, so that my boy in particular had to put his head in front of the open gap, where he could see out of it, to touch the target, which was super scary for him. Eventually I was able to get him to put his beak slightly out of the cage to touch the target stick & get a reward, rushing back into the cage as fast as he could after doing it. Over about 3 months, I managed to actually get him to stick his head out to touch the stick & get his treat, then I introduced them to a new, larger cage & thought it would take AGES for them to agree to move, but they, for some reason, loved it & moved in immediately, actually climbing out of their cage to get inside the new one (right next to it) & then biting me if I tried to put my hands into the new one & refusing to leave it, which was interesting, cause I had been expecting them to take ages to get used to it, so at that point, I didn't even have food or water dishes set up in it & had to try to do that while being bitten by 2 birds telling me this was now THEIR cage lol. That's their current cage, it has a large side door that I open & close & 2 small doors on the end that are always open. Over time, opening the large door has let the boy see outside & lose his fear of it, so I can even put a birdbath there now, with the big door open & have him come out into it, conditional to being able to jump back into his cage every 5 seconds or so for security & the big door at 90 degrees, so he still kinda feels like he's inside the cage/surrounded by walls when he does so. I'm working on ropes (with wire in them) from their cage to extend the range that they travel from it, but we don't get far. I've kinda given up really, their cage isn't that big, it's small enough to fit through doors & is on big wheels now so I can wheel them around easily & I just move their cage to let them experience different aspects of life, rather than trying to get them out of it. They're pretty good with coming onto the perches outside the cage, right at the open doors, but that's really their limit. When I'm watching tv or on my computer in bed, I put their cage next to it too & have ropes going from their cage to my bed & if I put enough treats on it, I can sometimes get them to leave their cage & come over onto the bed, sometimes even walking along the bed up to my head to steal food I'm eating, which is good :) They run back to their cage super fast if anything at all startles them though. Girl's a little more comfortable out of her cage & the 2 of them together works really well, they kinda get confidence from each other, one will lead & the other will follow (varies which one in different settings), feeling safe being with it's friend/mate. They won't preen or do mate things, cause of boy's touch refusal, but they area closely bonded & rely on each other for security. When they went to the vet to get hormone implants, boy went in first, then returned while girl went in & he was beside himself, ripping out chunks of feathers where the surgery had been & just really, really distressed. When girl returned, she was really groggy from anaesthetic & just sat on the perch, boy actually pushed up against her for comfort & continued doing it so hard he pushed her right up against the wall & then put his head under hers & hid there & stayed there, hidden under her head, right up against her, until they got home. That was really interesting actually, cause he normally HATES contact & keeps his distance & seems pretty together, while girl is the one that seems distressed easily, but clearly he uses her for comfort & security too. Girl actually has him henpecked & if I put my hand into the cage or do something she doesn't like, she demands he defend their cage for her, which he duly does & attacks me on her command lol. They generally actually come out to the perches just outside the door if they want attention from me & like me close to them, just as long as I don't touch in the case of my boy. Girl likes to preen my eyebrows & lean against my check, not allowed hands near her though. Stuff like "step up" they hate, because they don't feel they have control over where they are if on a moving hand. I keep trying, but they will really only do one foot on my hand, while the other is locked onto their cage & that's despite 2 years of working on it. They're just too emotionally messed up to ever really do "normal" parrot things I think but they're fairly happy little things now I think, lots of happy chatter & interacting with each other & me. Girl still plucks, but she doesn't do the mental asylum type rocking back & forward anymore which she used to do near constantly when I got her) & doesn't do distressed screaming or crying (that also used to be constant) & even plucking isn't that same manic, distressed, fear type motion now, seems to be just that addiction to the endorphins that go with self mutilation created pain. She likes playing with smart toys sometimes too now & boy likes watching other birds on tv & doesn't aggressively bite any hand anywhere near him (he came with a glove for changing his food & water & directions "you'll need this" & apparently no-one could get anywhere near him without really severe biting. He even vocally told the vet "no" in bird language when she gave him a pat, rather than biting her hand off for it, which is impressive progress for him) they're ok with me moving their cage to various locations, from my bedroom to living room to kitchen & even outside (although not any sun, they're little vampires that think they will melt if the sun touches them & hide from it lol). As long as they're together & have me & their cage, they seem to be fairly happy in their own ways, just not the really full life that most parrots want & enjoy & can't do simple things like have them on my shoulder to come with me into the kitchen, have to move the entire cage, or leave them & have them calling me, even if I just do something simple like go into the kitchen to wash up a used plate & don't take them in their cage with me. They do seem generally happy with life as it is now though, so I'm happy with that. Only thing that worries me is boy is older than girl, I don't know how old, but he's not young, so I don't know what happens when he dies of old age, I may even end up having to get girl euthinased at that point if I can't make more progress on her learning to cope with life without him. She wants to have a baby, I'm really hoping I might be able to get her a fertile egg & maybe through that a baby that can then become her companion long term, without messing with the relationship the 2 of them have now. Not that easy to get a fertile egg at the right level of development for her to sit on & hatch though. Anyway, for now they're basically happy, certainly learning to enjoy an abuse free life :) & will say, treats are limiting with these 2, cause they had a diet of bird junk food previously, so "treats" to them means the foods that they are supposed to eat. They just love their nectar mix & also love veggies, so hard to treat them when they HATE things like seeds, that are usually treats, cause of being forced to eat nothing but sunflower seeds for so long. They love having fresh veggies they can browse on whenever they like during the day, that's heaven to them, especially when they have their nectar too & even moreso when their nectar is put in various forms to simulate nature, such as on bottlebrushes. Things most birds take for granted, for these 2 give them great happiness in life :)
You are sooo right. Animals have emotions. I think many people deny it because it justifies the cruaulty they have on animals. Same goes for my recue cat than for your parrots. She was abused then abandoned on the highway. When she arrived at my home, I could not touch nor approach her. She would run. She was afraid of toys, couldn't do any sound (she tried but no sound came out), was scared to take treats in my hand. She is so much better after two years. She is much more secure and relaxed (loves pets, purrs a lot, sleeps with her belly exposed on our bed). She plays and meows like a normal cat. She's still easily scared of noises, doesn't come on lap nor in someone arms but we are patiently working on it, at her own pace.
@@mehere8038 wow, you certainly have done a lot for them and obviously care for them so much. I do kind of wonder if they will actually end up having babies at some point. I'm not sure but I wonder if that might affect their relationship though? my guy had some cage insecurity, but not as much as your birds'. It was more that he liked being near the cage and definitely only want to be in the room near where the cage was (the living room). it took me 1.5 years to get him to be comfortable in other rooms, but not he really is ok. So I wouldn't give up on them yet. It's great they can be in another room in the cage, but ultimately I think they still could learn to be happy out of the cage. There's actually a FB group that has experts you can discuss these weird parrot behaviors with, and their advice is generally quite good (and it's free). facebook.com/groups/parrotbehaviorandtraining/
Hello from Germany, a retired specialist for Psychotherapeutic Medicine here. :-) Thank you for the great footage. It's really important to know that the neuroplasticity doesn't go away, and a lot can still be done for people who have suffered childhood adversity.
Hello from neighbouring Poland. Can you please advise whether there is an age limit to when you can make effective changes? I always heard of 26 and have become increasingly worried for myself ever since I passed that mark. Thank you in advance.
@@ZosiaSamosiaOo , in the meantime, we know that even the brain of elderly people in their 60-80 still changes and makes new connection. It is never too late!
@@ZosiaSamosiaOohave a look at Bessel Van Der Kolk: The Body Keeps The Score. As a 61 year old survivor, I recommend you have a support network in place before trying to do anything other than gain intellectual knowledge. None of us can do the necessary work in an emotional vacuum. None of us can maintain an external objectivity to our changing internal processes, we need feedback and encouragement from an experienced supporter. Having friends who can take our mind off the work to simply have fun instead is often forgotten in the earnest desire to heal. Good luck and enjoy life as much as you can.
@@michellebyrom6551 Thank you. I'll take that advice as well. I haven't read "The Body Keeps the Score" yet but I did read "When the Body says No" by Gabor Mate and that really inspires me to keep trying to heal. And yes I take my healing interpersonal journey way too seriously. Will try to have some fun while I'm at it:)
i grew up in an unstable household and i can tell you i have a SLEW of mental illnesses due to the abuse/neglect i experienced. i sometimes think that maybe i assume i have too many or that maybe the doctor is wrong but seeing how, even at an age you cant remember, you already show signs of trauma. very enlightening. ps im a mother to a 3 year old and i feel like i did the direct opposite of what my parental figure did and i genuinely feel like im a good parent because of that.
VixxScene, you're doing what Daniel J. Siegel, Ph.D., calls "parenting from the inside out." This is exactly how you heal: dealing with things as they come, which they do as you see yourself in your children. Some people pass the trauma on, and others dig deep inside themselves to change the pattern. Blessings on you and yours! You are doing heroic work.
Good job addressing your trauma, it's so hard. However please make sure you don't overcompensate by doing the complete direct opposite, because one extreme isn't better than the other. I've seen children suffer as adults because their neglected parents smothered them too much to overcompensate the negligence they had experienced in their own childhoods... Balance is key.
I can speak from experience about this matter. It's really easy to remember all the negatives. Try to remember a positive you may have shared with her. She was a mentally unwell woman who was giving a baby and no instructions and no support and no understanding. Just remember nobody is all evil. I let my resistance and my anger towards my mother blind me to the good things about her. I was blessed to have my heart heal from that so that I could see the truth. May life give you what you require for peace and happiness.
I was also told to never put my baby down he won’t be spoiled he’ll feel loved and safe. And I rarely ever spoke baby talk I spoke to him like an adult from the day he was born.
I was adopted at about 8 weeks old and went to fantastic parents. I surprisingly didn’t have issues with bonding because the nurses at the hospital gave me huge amounts of cuddles and attention (I did research and although my records were gone, the social work reports still existed). Apparently the nurses used to argue over which one of them got to feed me and they even gave me a name. Amazing. I’d love to be able to thank those wonderful ladies (Sutherland Hospital, Sydney, August 1967) - they are the reason I started life feeling loved. I still have to deal with the huge emotional issues from the rejection so many of us adoptees feel, but at least I had a great start in life. I’m so sorry for the experiences other people in the comments have had - you are all worthy and significant, and very much loved by the God who made you. I’m so sad your parents didn’t do what they should have done to make you feel loved and secure.❤
The way the first baby reacted to it’s mother and tried to get her to interact is an analogy or mini-drama of my relationship with my mother for the entirety of our shared time on earth. She died at 90 when I was 65 and although I never stopped trying to get her to interact with me psychologically and emotionally, it never happened. She was like that present but dead rendition of the mother in the second part.
I gave up at 17 and though have tried to interact with the narc psychopath of a so called mother into my 20s… I stopped all contact sometime in my 20s. Life’s better without that battle in my mid 30s… maybe it will continue to get better after now…. But I can’t possibly ever imagining willingly being trapped in that kinda hell for another 30 years.
My sister in law spent her days trying to get her mother to love her or even react to her. I actually said to SIL you are wasting your time . She literally had 2 car accidents within a block of her mothers home after driving for Two hours to visit her and she would turn around and go home . Her life was so miserable . Her mother was a monster
If your mother was like that, that means someone did it to her too to be like that. There are children that understands their mother and there are children that don't. Some moms never tell their kids they love them, but their kids will tell their mom they love her. It may be hard for mom to say it, but she shows it everyday. Despite mom's situation, her children are still her top priority, but some children grow up pointing fingers at mom as if she doesn't love her kids. That's c r u e l for moms all over the world when it is mom that does everything for her babies. Smh. The only thing women should stop doing now is having babies because the quality of ppl are h o r r i d. Mom cannot do everything.
My mother always wanted a little girl so after two sons, she was ecstatic when she found out that she was expecting me (she would have a hysterectomy after my birth so she never had any more kids after me). Apparently, I was a pretty calm and comfortable pregnancy (aside from her stomach growing so large that people thought she was expecting more than just one - pretty funny considering how I was also the smallest one of her babies) and all was fine and dandy up until my birth. I was apparently kicking a lot and had at one point turned around while she was pushing and kicked her straight in the heart (I don't know if that is physically possible, but that was what she said). The force was so strong that it made her lose her breath and she was in pretty severe pain from it (amazing how strong a baby's kick can be when you think about it). Unfortunately, this kick was the thing that immediately took me from being the golden child to becoming the family's black sheep. She never forgave me for doing that and i constantly heard about it my whole life up until I finally broke contact with her a couple of years ago. It was hard watching these clips of the neglected babies because I can see myself in them. I have notes taken by my teachers in kindergarten where they describe this same behavior from me and how I was always on edge and nervous. I would play (usually by myself) but I would always hesitate and look for approval before doing so. I remember one thing especially that was repeated through my notes that the teachers struggled a lot with and that was that I never asked for anything I wanted or needed. We would be sitting by the table having lunch, and the teachers could see that I wanted the butter for example, but I would never ask for it, I would just stare at it if I couldn't reach it myself. I still remember that anxiety I would feel about just asking for something. I was honestly afraid of it. Even now as an adult, I can sometimes feel myself reverting back to that small child who just sits quietly in the corner and "stares" at things, instead of speaking up because I don't want to risk offending or bothering anyone. I'm obviously a lot better now than I was then, but these scars run pretty deep still. I actually cried when I saw the footage of the child panicking when her mother stopped reacting to her, because I could feel that pain and fear that she felt in that moment. I'd never wish that kind of thing on anyone.
Listening to your story from the outside I suspect the story of you kicking your mums heart is not true but the product of your mothers abusive personality. How cruel of her to tell you that story and paint you as the bad guy before you were even born.She seems to me to have some kind of personality disorders and maybe even had undiagnosed/untreated post partum depression.😢 sending you love from Ireland
@@millyvolance from my own research, I suspect that she might be a narcissist (I know that word gets thrown around a lot these days but the diagnosis fits her to a T) or possibly borderline. I'm by no means an expert though. Either way, thank you for the kind comment. It means a lot.❤
I feel your comment so deep in my bones. I was never neglected as such but my mum was never emotionally connected to me. She had many miscarriages and still births before me. Like I mean a lot. Upwards of 20 and I think she thought I was going to go the same way. I was born premature. My mum was a good mum. The best she knew how. Except for when she wasn't. And then she'd tell me she wished never had me. That shit runs deep. I had everything I needed and some things I wanted but I never felt loved. Now as an adult I have great difficulty in social situations. I always feel like no one listens to me and I have nothing worthy to talk about. I cannot ask for things like you, I can't even make a solid decision sometimes. I never had and I never will tell my kids I wish I never had them. We are poor. We don't have everything we want but my kids are loved and provided for and I wish that was the standard for every child
I am currently in the proces of getting EMDR therapy to help with trauma as it is clearly impacting my ability to raise my 4 month old and he deserves an emotional stable mum. Did not realize I had these deep rooted 'issues' before he was born. The first clip of the mom not reacting to that baby's attempts to get a response made me cry immediately.
I'm 40 today, born and raised in Eastern Europe, and I'm horrified how big the gap, or should I say an abyss, exists between today's perception of child abuse and neglect and the socially accepted good parenting. In times of my childhood nobody cared about children exhibiting emotional withdrawal, and as long as their parents fed them, sent them to school, brought them to the doctor, they were considered perfect parents. No psychology tests were ever run at schools, and that field of healthcare was widely thought as something for clinically insane. As long as the child kept quiet and didn't cause trouble, nobody would take interest in what it felt and what its emotional needs were, and what was going on at home. I can't forgive all the teachers, psychologists, doctors etc. who never cared to inquire about what my soul felt like, and not just my body, Nobody saved me from my abusive family, which never left bruises on my skin, but was butchering my psyche every day of my life.
Same for me, I am also from an Eastern European family. It’s sad and I mourn for my younger self. But I try to look forward and remember what progress I have made despite my limitations from my family. Now I can provide more to my own family.
44yo, from balkans, both my parents couldn t emotionally connect w anyone or understood emotions etc. Maybe the cultural element is just an excuse bcs an empathetic mother, attuned w her child won t emotionally neglect it -or even avoid any physical touch. I now accuse the system bcs for some reason we don thave the info from school about the existence of so many ppl among us who perceive life differently than the majority-like my parents but i thought at the time that they were rare exceptions. How does school prepare us to live as adults..? Dangerous & suspicious -& unfair for all ppl involved.
I think neglect is abuse too! I was severely neglected for 16 months in a Russian orphanage in the early 90's before I got adopted. Therapists arenttrainrd to help me and I think it's because neglsct isn't considered as bad because it "doesn't leave physical scars." My adult teeth all came in messed up because I didn't get enough food as a baby, that's directly from the malnutrition I experienced! I've had to learn a lot of about neglect and adoption and trauma on my own and alone because they don't study it well enough in the medical system to help people. At least not in my area 😢 I really hope we can get more research and help for people who have suffered neglect because it really does have a huge impact.
This is fascinating.. it's like the babies who came from stability are able to fully immerse themselves in things they enjoy and the ones that come from neglect are more interested/distracted trying to read the room and/or people please.
Not always. Dismissive avoidants are very good a doing things alone, just like they had to play alone in their room when they were children because they were often ignored. And than we have the mix of both types= fearful avoidant which can be 50:50 anxious and dismissive or 40:60, the behaviour depends on the situation and the person that is involved.
These films are fascinating. I also learned recently that even if an infant or young child was loved and supported by their parents they can still end up with this condition because of the parent's stress and emotional state(ex: struggling single parents, mental abuse between spouses, mental illness etc). Babies are way more aware than we think♥️
@@tracycooper2697 I'm glad to have helped. I hope you are doing well, and can find someone who specializes in this to help you on your healing journey💗
I am a stressed out single mum with zero support l.My children have secure attachment style and are healthy and happy children. They are my reason to breathe and I'm doing everything in my power including parenting course to raise emotionally healthy kids. I am doing counselling to deal with my own trauma. Thank you for reminding me how my stress can effect my children
@@user-dr3it1pj7d You're doing a great job. If they aren't already, I know your kids will be proud and grateful that their Mum did everything possible to give them the best upbringing. Keep up the good work, I know it can be difficult sometimes!
Watching from Philippines. I was an elementary teacher and I've encountered different kinds of children from 4-12 years old. I really believe that even when child was a baby, their environment can affect the development of their personality and mentality in such an early age.
My mom was ill after giving birth to me, so my grandmother took me in temporarily, of course I don't remember any of that, I lived with grandma for 6-8 months, already called her ma', she used to tell me. When my mom was better she took me back, but I didn't know her and I stopped eating, so she had to take me back to grandma and visit until I got to know her enough to go home. The bond between my mom and I never developed, though I adored my grandma... My mom was very unstable and violent, I never liked her, I often would run away from home and i would go to my grandma's thinking I would never be found, I was very young, 6-7-8 yrs old I don't know exactly, but I was sure my home was not safe, but grandma's was... I do feel grateful to have had such an amazing grandma, she made up for what I lacked, not fully, but her influence in my life changed my perspective because I was able to experience feeling deeply loved and accepted thanks to her...
My mom had me while in medical school and went through her residency when I was a toddler. I understand now why she chose to breastfeed me for 4 years. She probably needed the bonding as much as I did, and she could do it while half asleep haha. One of my earliest memories is of prying her eye open once and asking if she was awake (she was not). Poor woman, she's the definition of doing it all 😂 (Love you mom!!! I'm so proud of you for following your dreams. You're the best doctor and an even better mom. No matter how busy you are, you're always there for me 😭💖)
This was my childhood.. Emotional neglect, no stimulation, toys, play and no love. I was not physically neglected but my emotional needs were never met. My mother was mentally ill, hospitalised and given electric shock treatment. She did not want any children and as a consequence I received no emotional nurture, stimulation or love. It wasn't her fault however her legacy has been to create a human with cptsd and bpd. My life has been not worth living because of my inability to form any meaningful relationships, my anxiety and my lack of emotional control. Dr's need to watch this as part of their training. I believe emotional neglect is as terrible as physical abuse on a developing brain
Have always said the emotional neglect felt just as bad as physical abuse/neglect if not worse, bc at least the physical is in the moment but the mental is neverending. I’m genuinely & wholeheartedly sorry you feel as if your life isn’t worth living & hope you’re able to change that perception someday & realize all of our lives, despite how difficult, is worth living. You matter, you’re enough.🖤
Yes, Its now recognised as carrying possibly higher risk of lifetime negative effects.. I believe so, but both are very real and If no one does anything at all ....the pain of developmental neglect is blamed almost entirely internally . Physical Abuse can be externalised, and internalised, but give one a sense of existing in the world rather than not at all...
I really liked how they showed how the second girl, who went to a daycare, was equally well adjusted. Back then, mothers got a lot of stigma if they didn't take care of the babies at home (still do a bit!) This proves that having more than one caretaker (if they are all kind) is still a safe environment.
I noticed that, too. The first time I watched this experiment I was expecting them to claim that the second child was in some way deprived because of being in the nursery, and I was pleasantly surprised that they didn't. It almost felt purposeful, like the people running the experiment were aware of the stigma, knew it was wrong, and set about to show that the facts support the claim that good caregivers and loving parents is a perfectly healthy arrangement. I was raised by loving parents and cared for at different times by my grandparents and by daycare workers. I've been a nanny myself for twelve years. If the parents and all the caregivers are kind and loving, there's nothing wrong with being raised by a village!
@@thompsonfj1 thank you for being a good nanny! I had a nanny for 2 years when my parents travelled a lot for work at one time. I still miss her sometimes and learnt a lot from her like a bit of several languages
the problem is most places where kids and old people are looked after in the west now are a joke. underpaid young women and immigrants getting paid to take care of 80 of them at once. it's barely even a sound comparison in reality.
I wish there had been more awareness about the impacts of childhood abuse and neglect when I was younger. I'm 62 now, back when i was a child the sole remedy was to remove the abuse (sort of) and assume that was the end of it. Subsequently I passed on my damage to my children. Not in the same way, because I would never do to my children what was done to me. But my abuse led to fractured self, self loathing, dissociation, and difficulty with emotional attachment. I had no idea how to parent so I parented "by the book" doing all the right things but with rigidity and without emotional connection. I loved my children, but had difficulty emoting that to them. It wasn't until I was in my 40ies that I started to unravel my abuse and find ways to connect to my children. My hope is that my openness on my childhood and how it created a non-optimal environment for them, will give them the self-awareness to lessen the impact on their children. It takes generations to erase abuse from a family tree. Injured people injure people, even when we try not to.
Thank you! Some think that just getting the children out of the abusive home is enough to heal them. It is not! I left home at a very early age due to abuse and neglect thinking that leaving home was what I needed to be happy. Strange thing was I did not become happy, although I did enjoy the peace of not living in the home of my parents. At 61 I am still battling this abuse, trying to process it and heal the grief.
Reading your comment actually brought me some healing. My mother was mentally ill, cold, neglectful and abusive, and I've always had very complicated feelings around this and wonder if she ever loved me. My grandmother died last year (her mother) and she's been acting differently, trying to act like a mother but I'm in my 30's, I don't know what to do with it. I don't want to be hurt anymore, and I certainly don't want her stuff to affect my child. I'd like to think my mother feels like you do. She wasn't the worst mother in the world, in fact, her mother was worse to her, but she also put me in a shelter and told me to kill myself so.. it's hard to feel genuine love. It breaks my heart to think she may have felt love and couldn't show it. It's also hard to believe someone could love you and do such hurtful things. I am trying to do better with my own daughter but she has had to deal with my PTSD and mental health issues. Trauma is indeed very tough to heal when it's generational. Decades of pain doesn't disappear without work.
Soso proud of you for trying tho. I’ve always said it’s never too late for my parents to change & try to do right by me & my siblings yet they still never have. So your effort is very admirable.🖤
It's interesting to note that animals also have emotional needs just like humans do. I've been in pet rescue for many years and have experienced this with dogs and cats. When neglected, they are sad and do not respond to training but when they are loved, happy and feel good about themselves their personality just blossoms and they respond to training so much more quickly.
Watching from New Zealand. My husband has been searching for years for the reason for his anxiety and depression, but I guessed it long ago, and his mother as good as admitted it when she told me the sorry tale of his first year of life. When he was born, she was a 21 year old living in a new city with a new husband and no family support. She was severely affected by post-natal depression. When my father in law went to work and my husband started crying, she couldn't deal with it. She would leave him in the nursery, close the doors and go to the other side of the house, or even leave the house to get away from the sound of his crying, because she was afraid she would actually kill him. She reached out to Plunket (the national child health and motherhood support group) and told them about the thoughts she was having, and they said they were very busy, but would follow up. They didn't. I don't know why she didn't try finding other help - probably something to do with shame and being 21 and mentally ill in the 70s, and having no support from her own neglectful, emotionally abusive parents. Anyway, it was a year before the depression broke. Plunket finally called back and asked her about her depression and how was the baby. She told them she had killed him, and hung up the phone. They never called back. But anyhow. My husband never said a word until he was 3 years old. He doesn't remember anything from before he was 3 either. Even when not dangerously depressed, you can hardly call my mother in law affectionate. I see a direct line from him being abandoned whenever he was in need, or in pain, or upset, to the anxiety he has always had, and the depression he developed as an adult. I have told him what his Mum told me, but he refuses to see that as a contributing factor because he believes that the brokenness is within himself, and that perhaps he can fix it if it is. But he thinks if it's due to something that happened before he can even remember he won't be able to fix it. I know one thing though - over 15 years of talking to his GP and therapy and medications has not banished his demons. I am hopeful that it is because he is barking up the wrong tree. I do feel sorry for my mother in law. She had a tough early life that also damaged her. It's hard not to feel angry though when I think of her closing the door on her baby. I know she isn't very proud of it, but I don't think she knows the damage she did. I also wonder why my father in law also didn't pick up on his wife's state and get her help.
Based on my life as an adult, I was emotionally neglected as a baby. It was hard to watch, but at least I can grieve the experience now and move on from it. ❤
We adopted a child that was emotionally neglected, traumatized and physically neglected. I backtracked on many milestones that were not addressed by her parents in the 18 months they had with her. I still find places that need attention as she grows (she's a tween now) one day at a time with love and patience ❤
I started looking into the studies on epigenetics and how trauma can be passed down via changes to our DNA. I love how much we are learning about our own minds and bodies and how things are all intertwined.
What's cool is that genes are not a given, they are a potential. External forces, specifically your _reaction_ to external forces, is what turns them on and off. So, learning that you can respond to what happens around you and to you in any way you choose is very empowering and liberating. Your thoughts are the most powerful thing in your universe.
I’m a psychiatric nurse practitioner from New York. I treat children with a range of mental illness disorders. I just found your channel and subscribed to it. Thanks.
Goodness seeing that sweet baby reacting so strongly to her lovely mum - after experiencing such stress when mum wasn’t responding - how CRUCIAL this interaction is for healthy child development.
Every psychologist vlogger: "if you feel you might have these issues, talk to your doctor and they will help you". An NHS mental health nurse who was listening to me trying explain that I am depressed and need help: "oh, but you dressed up so nice, so seems like you're fine 🥰"
This is fascinating … I was raised in an abusive home, my father was abusive behind closed doors and my mother was 100% disabled … the few times I was allowed to go to some friend’s I was almost terrified about how loud they were while playing, when I was used to play silently and move silently…. And still now I tend to be silent and almost disappear ..
I was hazed and bullied around 8 years in my early teens (starting at 10-11 years old till age 18). I have PTSD which went untreated for years. I got through those 8 years by dissociating to the extent that I couldn't feel anything. I had flashbacks continuously for years, some resulting in severe panic attacks that made me freeze. My mother was made aware of my issues but chose not to intervene as I always looked forward to going to school (I loved learning and had compartmentalised: School was not allowed to touch home, home was safe), I never feigned tummy ache to get out of school. I did have a volatile temper that was so frightening apparently that my mother dreaded when I came home. I told two people what I was experiencing, and my teacher told my mum. Nothing happened, so I never spoke about it again. When my dad died I couldn't mourn, even though I love him a lot. That was the trigger for me to get help. The first therapist I couldn't really connect to, but I was displaying symptoms in therapy such as inappropriate behaviour (smiling while talking about the abuse), flat emotions and such. My second therapist managed to resolve the dissociation by using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy with ETF tapping when I was around 40. She was also the one that more or less gave me the diagnosis PTSD. It had taken a few years to get to that point. I still have flashbacks to this day (the most recent one was a few days ago), but I can recognize them for what they are and ride them out, letting those feelings of despair, anger, hurt and abandonment go from all those years ago go. Flashbacks before were like a riptide, they showed up out of the blue, tore the floor from under me and pulled me under. Soemtimes it took days to shake them in which I couldn't do much as the emotions were drowning out everything else. Now I can feel them coming. I retreat to a safe place, let my security net know what is going on and get comfortable. When I am safe, I let it happen. Due to what my therapist taught me I can now surf the wave, I know it's there, I acknowledge the emotions and feelings, but I'm on the outside looking in. I let it run its course till it ends.it peters out and is done. It can be exhausting, but it's a part of healing and it no longer throws me back as much as it used to do. I will have to deal with this for the rest of my life.I'm in a mostly good place now, I have good days and bad days. I can't change my past but I can control how I deal with it now. And I have a great emotional support system around me that helps. I really wish though that someone had intervened. I am forever changed and have lost a lot. If you see someone struggling, please do something even if you only let them know you're there. The worst thing is going through hell and feeling invisible. Also: Germany
I'm so sorry for your pain. Did your past lead to worse things? Mine lead me to being with abusive men, dancing to pay my bills and im probably lucky ive never been an addict for too long. Was addicted to xane#x for 3 years. I am 40 as well and im finally living with a supportive friend who helps me and does not hurt me. The last 10 months are the only peace ive known. Im crying so much as I write this.
@@gothicgirlfriend7375 I was on my own most of the time, as I hadn't really learned to socialize properly. I know now I'm on the spectrum, so that didn't help things. I had few relationships, none really lasted. The worst was 3 months with a narcissist, but I managed to get out of that without too much fallout. Some things broke, but I got out okay. I have been with a loving partner and a great friends group that take me how I am. I still feel on the outside sometimes, but it gets better. I keep working on it, mainly cause I'm stubborn and don't want this to rule my life. I have gone low contact with my mother though. I'm finding it hard to forgive.
@sadeva6532 same. I just cut my sister off yesterday for good because she was the first real narcissist I ever loved. Good luck to your healing. Stay on track. You're doing good.
I ran across a stunning example of this a few years ago. Two young women in their early 20s, identical twins, raised in the same household. One was a bit overweight, the sweetest, most generous, loving girl. The other was thin, vain, snide, ambitions and totally selfish. Looking at childhood photos, you wouldn't think they were identical. One was always a little taller and heavier, and with more smiles. I was completely mystified by this until I learned the smaller one had to stay in the NICU for months before she was brought home.
Oh noooo! How terrible! Just for the record, though, there could be other reasons for the differences besides neglect during a months-long ICU stay. She might have some damage from the birth, for example.
Hi Dr Syl I'm from Canada 🇨🇦 and I am a 60 yo female who has schizoaffective disorder. I enjoy your videos and the things I learn. I never realized that its possible for my neglect in childhood to possibly lead to my mental illness. But my therapist has recently pointed out to me that I was emotionally neglected by my mother as she always put her needs first and wasn't there for me consistently. I wondered why this was so important to my therapist. Now I know. This was a great educational video. Thanks 😊
This was/is so very painful to watch. My mum was strapped into a high chair for days at a time and simply “forgotten”. She was emotionally/physically abusive when I was little. I have always understood the why of this, but when I compare to my experience with my own kids, she missed out on so much!
Terrified to be a mother because of moments like these, what if accidentally make my baby upset because I'm too busy💔😅 watching from the United States 👋🏻
Right? I said something like this to my therapist, like "I don't want kids, I feel like I'm going to screw them up" and her response was "just you thinking that shows that you WONT be a bad mom. Think of how many people have kids without even worrying about something like that, without taking the time to reflect on themselves and how their actions affect their children"
You'll be fine. Just love and talk to the baby as much as possible. "Mothering instinct" is a myth, however, it's not that mysterious or enigmatic either. It's a lot more casual and subtle and warm than is depicted. Less "fireworks" and more "This bed was kinda soft and inviting when I initially got in it, but nowwww...now that I've gotten cozy and warm here, I will cling to this comforter for dear-life and fight anyone who tries to take it from me." You don't realize how viscerally attached you've become until you self-audit later.
My mom liked her alcohol and pills and I was abused and neglected. She passed in 2016 and I’m only now beginning to come to grips with it and working on forgiving her for my own sanity
Re word your story might help like my mum neglected me cause she used drugs n alcohol, your mother had major trauma as well happy people don’t get hooked on drugs etc. she made me feel what ? Change to I felt this or that! Can you see the power shift here. Don’t be a victim don’t be a survivor aspire to live a better life. If you have questions don’t hesitate to ask me😘
I wonder how many parents are undiagnosed neurodivergent? I was late dx’d adhd and only got tested because my daughter was assessed at 18. Turns out she’s ASD with adhd. I tried my best to give her the loving and emotionally stable first years but I suffered burnouts. She was very advanced but also super clingy with me.
20 years ago no one understood this. Now we can see there is a cycle that passes from generation to generation. Neglect breeds neglect. A parent can only teach a child to love if he himself has been loved. On a collective level it s the erosion of Society. Best wishes and thanks from Spain, Europe :)
I would like to add that a person with mental disorders can absolutely be from stable and loving families. I shouldn't need to say so, but it is, unfortunately, still a common misconception that a person with depression or other disorders must have had a difficult childhood.
I'm not so sure. On the other end, many people don't even stop and question the events of their childhood because they think only physical harm constitutes as abuse. Not to mention it threatens the relationship and image they have of their parents. They think they had it pretty good and the parents usually think so too. It's only when they take off the rose-colored glasses and stop making excuses for their parents as they probe a memory that they begin to realize something isn't quite right. Children have a deep need to believe their parents are good. If there is a problem, the child would rather blame himself than find fault with mom or dad -- because if mom and dad are wrong, then there is no hope of a safe haven and the world becomes a truly scary and dangerous place. Instead he'll unconsciously mold himself to be "lovable" in order to fit in and survive. This requires him to bury his real feelings and this repressed state of being becomes his new normal. I think depression and other disorders can absolutely come from loving families, but not emotionally stable ones. Just my observation. It unfortunately takes much more than love to raise a child.
USA. Thank you for some of the clarifications on terminology. I wonder what’s become of these neglected babies. Having just had a baby it really breaks my heart. I can’t and don’t want to imagine anyone intentionally mistreating my baby. I too grew up in a psychologically abusive environment. My parents were extremely neglectful. Leaving us, four kids, to raise each other. Sadly it impacted my youngest sibling the most.
I remember as a child, dealing with self-soothing, overthinking in my head, talking to myself, because I never found a safe space to show sorrow or distress because my mother has always been anxious-type and my dad is emotionally closed. I cried alone, I wrote down my thoughts in notebooks. I was the safe space for my mother to vent her emotions and tears, since the time I must have been hardly 12 yr old. Till date, she expects me to play that role for her. And I feel awfully resentful towards her now. But she never understands all this damage. I never got any sort of emotional support from her. I now realize how it has impacted all my relationships, why I never had too much interest in play and making friends, live life with an open heart, have big ambitions to achieve big, because everything looked futile when there's lack of foundation love, support and care that I never got to feel emotionally fulfilled, empowered and secure.
Maybe you can send her one of these short videos. These are very good videos.🙏 = Codependent Parents Expect Children To Meet Their Needs - ua-cam.com/video/ihCWAUOsFdE/v-deo.html // Are You Your Parent’s Parent? - ua-cam.com/video/yufoE1k9ynM/v-deo.html // Emotionally Immature Parents (EIP) - ua-cam.com/video/BybBu-K4lxc/v-deo.html // When A Parent Can’t Self Regulate - ua-cam.com/video/qud7GTHFjU8/v-deo.html Maybe one of the videos resonate with you.
Neglect, abuse, violent, bully, was all my childhood story, and yet to this day they never change, the hard part is to deal/accept that your family never love you as child..... I'm having hard time to accept those reality as grown up adult, i need time to grieve the Narcs and Psycho's in my family.....
This is so interesting to me! Sadly when I was a baby my incubator (mother) didnt really want me at all, she didnt find out she was pregnant with me until she was 6 months gone, heavy catholic family so they pretty much made her keep me, i wish they hadnt tbh. She couldnt bear to hold me, she went back to work when I was 2 weeks old because (in her words) "she couldnt bond with it"... I was an it basically to her, and because I didnt give her instant gratification and bond right away (because she wouldnt hold me) she got bored and annoyed with me fast. I still remember when I found out in college why my head was flat at the back and on the top, because I had been left in a crib way too much, was really sad to realise that tbh, I knew she was a weird creature but I didnt grasp just how neglected I had been as a baby til then 😔 After figuring that out I asked other family members for more details and they were weirdly happy to talk about it because they found it strange themselves. She is a proper narcissist and I think she is possibly autistic aswell but she is from a generation that didnt recognise things like autism and was just severely beaten as a child for any weird or "bad" behavior- its like she switched off as a kid emotionally tbh. She is the strangest human ive ever known or studied, she doesnt like being touched even by her kids, she is very robotic, hugely OCD, very selfish, and emotionally I got nothing from her sadly. It has affected me in many ways, I constantly worry im annoying to be around or a burden, I have difficulties bonding with people- I either attach too quickly because I just want love or I take a long time to attach and trust someone. As a child I was very angry, withdrawn, anxious, and was even a selective mute for a few years. As an adult I have been diagnosed with BPD, cptsd and adhd. It wasnt all down to my relationship with her (or lack of) there was trauma from other people too, I was sadly sexually abused by a family member, my father was a violent alcoholic so I partly grew up in pubs and was physically abused, these things obviously messed me up even more but me not having that emotional bond with her definitely has shaped who I became. Just shows you how much showing love is important- that from the minute a baby is born into this world they begin being shaped by all aspects of their environment even before they can even form proper memories, I find psychology fascinating in general especially child psychology 💜
I hope you can continue learning and healing. You seem like you'd be a wonderful person to know. I hope someday you can use your knowledge to help others
@NighttimeDaydreams awwwwe thankyou so much for your kind hearted reply 🥹❤️ you seem like such a lovely person 🙏 I hope to help others in any way I can, even if its just to learn something off of or be a bit of a counsellor for someone who has went through their own trauma 🥰
@yukisanderson6907 I appreciate the sentiment, and I understand why people have and maybe even need faith at times, but I was brought up catholic against my wishes and honestly it kind of ruined religion for me 😅 I believe there's more than what we see with our eyes, I believe in energy, I believe even in karma at times, I believe Jesus was a person in history, but that is where my faith ends for now. Thankyou tho!
Babies will always be a great eye to all the things we are doing good or wrong... They are the best minds... You can see the fair, the happiness, the worrying, the excitement.... It's amazing to see this material thank you for your channel 💗
Glad you made this video, but i think your statement at end that you can deal with these issues is too simplistic, this type of early neglect is exceptionally complex and hard to resolve
I live in the USA, and I have a MSW from Gallaudet University the only university for the Deaf on earth. Most deaf children in the US are not provided sign language by parents and medical doctors urge them to not gesture or sign if they want to hear them learn to speak mama, which causes long term permanent damage to the person. 90% of deaf people in the US are born to hearing parents and 90% of them refuse to learn ASL ever to talk with them even if the child is going to an ASL program in kindergarten. This leads to lack of bonding and also often lower if not zero language skills developed, while it is shown if parents are even learning ASL the baby will acquire ASL as a first language and become bilingual and proficient in reading and writing in English in school equal to hearing readers. This however is not being promoted by medical professionals as it is not profitable and insurance does not cover families learning ASL, only cochlear implants which are $50, 000 a piece not including the hospital stay, and speech therapy. Even those who have a CI or HA are shown to be better off to be taught ASL as a first language and meet others in Deaf culture to know they are not defective anymore than a redhead or left handed person is defective, just a variation of the human race. Pathology is more profitable but damages society. The majority of American deaf and hard of hearing adults have hearing children, 90%, and they will be raised in poverty as their parents may be living on social security and house hopping nearly homeless. Their hearing children they have trauma of being not recognized as part of the Deaf Cultural Community by the hearing world and yet even doctors again will often force them to interpret for their parents, something that is not legal or ethical anymore but many adults have grown up scarred by. This is a cycle of trauma now in the hearing world that hearing people are not dealing with and have not done ANY studies upon.
I’m a CODA and agree with everything you wrote. One of my wishes in life is that all babies Deaf or hearing would be taught ASL through daycare/preschool to alleviate these issues. My Deaf mom and deaf dad were deprived of connection within their families and continued the emotional neglect cycle with me. They both have connected way more with my Deaf sister but I don’t hold it against her.
Watching from Japan, but Canadian. I was born prematurely and my twin died the day after we were born. I was incubated for the first 6 weeks of my life and like someone else who posted, not touched, except for medical exams. I grew up in an emotionally abusive environment (both parents had undiagnosed ADHD), so have always had issues with interpersonal relationships. I started taking anti-anxiety and anti-depressants 7 years ago and it made all the difference.
@@sweetcherry7759I dont think that is what he meant. But have ADHD and autisim. I have never been abusive either. But i can tell he wasnt implying that. He was just saying that was on the list of things they had wrong with them.
As a premie my twin required more care with feeding in our first few months home so in the evening while my twin had to have more attention for feeding from my Mom and Memal, my Papa would come home from work every day and get in his big recliner and take a afternoon nap with me on his stomach. I know that created our unspoken closeness we had until he passed as he and I were always closer then he and my sister who really didn’t give too much attention to him besides the usual day to day stuff. While he told me all his stories,taught me how to shoot and gun safety and even specifically left me his own father’s service weapon (he made sure my grandmother knew it was to go to me and me alone). He is a person I have missed daily for 10 years almost 11 years and I know we created a bond in that few months before I was old enough to know that it was special but I’m thankful for. ❤
This reminded me of a study I read about where they tested the effects of fear on mice, where they gave the mice a safe home, then introduced a cat into the room that would sit stalking the mice in their cage. The mice Hod & stopped playing as they were too frightened to come out of hiding to play. When the cat was removed, it took them awhile to play again, yet the study showed they never fully played as much or like they had before the traumatic experience of the cat scaring them into hiding. As humans our basic needs are oxygen, water, food, shelter, & safety. When we are not getting our need of safety fulfilled, we are stressed out as well as any other creatures stressed out when they aren’t safe too.
The saddest film I ever saw was a silent film done by a psychologist or someone in the 1920s or 30s. ( Maybe it’s in this video but I cannot bear to watch it again) At first when brought to the institution/ orphanage the babies would reach for the caregivers attention but were ignored. When he came back several months later the same toddlers just sat there staring blankly. If I ever need to cry on demand I think of that film and it absolutely guts me. I can only pray that they had peaceful lives but I wish I was a time traveler to rescue them.
As a child advocate for kids removed from their homes for abuse and neglect, i can tell you this is so much more common than most people realize. The good thing is that if the parents'rights are terminated, babies and young kids usually are able to be "normal" within a short amount of time. I adopted my own kids from foster care amd they are perfect adults now. A little love goes a long way.
The mother and baby interaction in this video was quite a learning experience. Wow! Just glad my children had positive interactions with others when I took them shopping or at the park.
Watching this and reading comments by people who also bear professional or personal experiences makes me so happy we're putting in effort to end these generational curses and reframe our trauma from being a permanent condition to being something we can heal from. The power of our minds is amazing. Awareness is the best tool for improvement, and wanting to improve so our little ones don't suffer, too, is love in action at its finest. Thank you, all of you 🙏🏽
My gosh, I was born in 1965. Fascinating. I just want to note that people shouldn’t think their babies won’t remember crappy (or good) things that happen to them before age 3, because a lot of us can remember being very young. I remember being in my crib in a house we lived in from my age of 11 months until age 2 yrs. I can describe the interior and exterior of the house, our neighbour, the bedding and paint colours, and being in my crib and having a nightmare about giant teddy bears and getting out and going into my parents’ bedroom. I remember several times in my crib and where we moved to next. And these are not the only memories that are clear as a bell to me from before age 3. And the memories have all been validated as accurate by the adults I was around at those times. My mother, my late father and my paternal aunt can/could also do this, but not my younger brother for some reason. I have short term memory problems now, but the further back I go, the more solid and clear my memories are. And other than the angry teddy bears and getting poked in the eye with a cigarette by accident by a lady at a party when I was two, none of them are traumatic memories.
There's two ages where you have a lot of synaptic pruning around memory. One is around the age of 5 and you kind of forget most things that happen between the ages of 0-3. But obviously babies have memories! Like, my daughter is 10 months old and last week was crying when I used a new handheld vacuum cleaner. I turned it off, comforted her, and that was that. A few days later I brought it out again and she burst into tears. So even that small trauma stuck with her!
I’m going to ask probably the unpopular question……I’m so intrigued by what happens to a baby when parents do cry it out to sleep…..they say it doesn’t harm a baby but then there’s research like this….makes you think twice….
I was born in 1952 at 2lbs 6oz. Thus, I was in an incubator for many weeks, damaging my eyesight. I very probably was not touched or interacted with. Since I was nearly blind, I could not distinguish faces at all. ALL my life, I have had prosopagnosia, also called "face blindness" I can only recognize people by their clothing or hairstyle or speech patterns. Once, coming out of a supermarket, following along, we came to an unfamiliar automobile. "Daddy," I said "This is not our car." to which the man looked down and said "I'm not your Daddy!" They had to take me back in and find my parents! So yeah. Early infant experiences do affect later life.
As I was watching the children playing with the blocks it made me think about my life. I was in an unhappy romantic relationship. I was with someone I couldn’t depend on, who was inconsistent, who wasn’t there for me every time I needed it, and would lie to me. When I was in that relationship most of my thoughts while working, driving, etc would be about my relationship. Going over the lies. Going over all the things that have gone wrong. Thinking about things that upset me. Thinking about how things could get better. Etc etc. all of my energy was spent on that relationship. But now I’m in a happy one and my S/O is very good to me, very caring. I don’t have to put my full focus on our relationship all the time. I can think about my goals or whatever else.
I had post natal depression. This makes me want to cry about the hugs I didn't give my boy or all he missed out on during his time in the Royal children's NICU and during my time with PND. I got help. Spent time in Werribee inpatient unit. So glad I got help. But I bet I gave my baby still face. 😭😭😭😭😭
This is why I always smile at babies. I know it doesn’t do much, but I want them to see at least something positive. Usually they stare at my (brightly colored!) hair and I just let them look!
Hello from Scotland. Thank you for this eye opening video. It was very educational although I found it sad to see babies displaying anxiety and disinterest in play.
Child psych major here (UMN, 2017). One of the things that has stuck with me from watching the still face experiment was thinking about phones. Who is making any kind of expression when on a phone? No one.
Main reason I only use my phone when my daughter is asleep or playing solo (that took a couple years!) Sometimes I get engrossed in an article but, immediately apologise, put phone away and play/interact with her. You make an excellent point.
I’m horrified to see young children in pushchairs completely ignored when mother/ father is pushing them, and instead, is on their phone. Those children aren’t learning the names of things, colours, etc, and aren’t having their attention pointed to interesting things on the street. Social media etc is far more of a curse than a blessing, with regard to the young in particular.
Hi Dr. Sly, I’m in Las Vegas! I’m a psychotherapist and the first time I saw the first video you played was in a training class, and it made me ball my eyes out. It is so sad to see the behavior changes in children so young. This is why I love what I do.
Hello from Latvia! Thank you for the valuable content you have been putting up. Your videos have been really helpful getting better understanding of mental struggles that some people I know are living day to day.
This is a really fascinating video. It sort of broke my heart tbh. Watching babies and seeing the clear differences when I’d been surrounded by childhood adversity my whole childhood. And to see that the things I’m unpacking now literally stem from that far back sometimes feels like an impossible climb. I appreciate these videos and the understanding they give me, and sometimes even a little grace with myself.
As a mama to a very goofy and expressive little boy, I don’t think I could keep a completely emotionless face, especially if he got upset ☹️♥️ I would obviously try my hardest for the experiment but gaaah it would be hard lol
I think everyone has things they want to do differently than their parents, but for a long time I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was that caused my phobia to ruin my relationship with my dad. Until I finally realised because of these child psychology videos that it was a total lack of respect for my boundaries and ignoring my cries for help. Videos like these have made it so much clearer how to be a better parent because it makes you aware of what exactly went wrong when it was previously just a feeling that something was wrong.
my mother emotionally neglected me growing up and still does. The only reason i wasn’t a completely drawn away baby was because of my grandmother and father. I’m on the autism spectrum and but i believe the majority of the reason i have such a difficult time with sorting my thoughts, feelings and emotions and trouble with relationships of all sorts is due to her
As a psychotherapist I really appreciate you, as a medical professional, giving light to mental health and attachment and childhood. Thanks. Viewing from California, USA
Great video! One piece of constructive criticism, the disparity in audio volumes during the babies playing section had me holding my volume knob during that section to keep both you and the video audible but not too loud. Keep up the great work!
My younger sister never wanted children. Unfortunately she has severe mental health issues and uses sex as a form of self harm. She also has strange beliefs about birth control. As a result she has had 5 children so far. After the first one was born she began calling him an asshole and blaming him for things. A tiny baby. His father was also severely abusive to him and my sister. He is now 12 and is a rapist. He has to be institutionalized. She tells people her baby (10 months) is a drama queen, and thinks she’s judging her. Her baby doesn’t smile, and only wants to be held constantly. I have tried to tell her nicely that her baby is not capable of being a drama queen or judging anyone. It’s heartbreaking to see the problems all her children have as a result of her inability to be a healthy person. Thankfully some of the children are being raised primarily by other family members now and they are improving immensely in their behaviors and abilities.
I was in little flower orphanage since i was 3 months old, i was doing crimes by myself at 14 years old, i ended up in Rikers Island at 16 years old tried as an adult and went to prison. I wonder if zero needs being met in the orphanage has anything to do with me being diagnosed with primary psychopathy as an adult by 2 forensic psychiatrists.
My mother was given a lobotomy 5 years before I was born. She was absolutely the definition of “ a shell of a person.” When I was in my 40s, my father told me this story. He was worried that I never “acted like a baby,” and even though I was 18 months showed no interest in playing or even crawling. they took me to a doctor. What my father told me 20 years ago is exactly what is shown in these videos. He said I was given blocks and such and all I did was look at them with anxiety. At the end of the test the doctor told my mother he was sorry to tell them that I was severely retarded and needed to be institutionalized. My father says my mother sighed with relief and said, “Ok.” Luckily, my father said that he wanted a second opinion. He said the second doctor paid less attention to me and more to my mother. Then he questioned my mother and found out that she kept me all day alone in a dark bedroom. He told her that she had to keep me in the living room with her and had to talk to me. Within a few weeks I was walking. Thank god my father did what he did. It was the 50’s and I think he believed as many did that babies were just the purvey of mothers. He was always in denial about her lobotomy and her dreadful mental unhealth. I’m afraid if I had been institutionalized as a baby I’d probably still be there today.
That is quite the story. I'm sorry that you had to go through that as a child. May peace and forgiveness fill l your heart
So sorry you went through that and so glad you had a loving father who did not give up on you.
@@tessmoore3762 and a good second opinion doctor.
So your father was there chilling and couldn't take care of you? Why only your mother? Also, this story really makes it sound like rape, idk...
@@stellarauclair Your judgement and assumptions about this family are appalling. Nothing about this story implies sexual abuse on anyone's part. If his mother was left handicapped from having a portion of her brain surgically removed, she is not also unfit to properly care for a child. Just as the doctor from second opinion noted. Dad wasn't "chilling" as someone needed to work to support the mentally handicapped wife and young child.
Edit for clarity: Handicap does not equate to vegetative. Unfit is a state which can vary repeatedly with and without mental illness. It is not only a side effect of lobotomy or mental illness. Her being able to foster the child's development after guidance verifies this.
How funny, I actually watched this film a few days ago. I worked with preschool children aged 2-4 for 14 years and you can really see the difference the home life can have. Obviously just because a child is withdrawn or the like at preschool doesn't mean they're neglected at home, there can be a number of reasons. One specific child I remember. She was 3 and with her parents and siblings. She was filthy (the family were known) all she would do was stand with her head down, and not engage with anyone. Just a couple of weeks later after an incident involving the father, the children were removed from the family home. After a month she returned to preschool, now living with her new Foster parents as an only child. It was like looking at a different, totally different child. She was obviously clean, wearing pretty clothes that she loved, and she was smiling talking as much as she could (she had learning difficulties) and engaging with adults and children. When she was collected she went skipping to the carers and smiling. It shows having the physical and emotional needs met make such a difference and in such a short time I was I awe of this sweet little girl.
Your comment made me cry, I’m so happy for her that she got the care she needed. Hopefully that was a permanent change. I work with kids, teaching them how to swim, and we have one kid who is scared of the water and all the grandparent does when they don’t want to get in is bash them for wasting their money and time. It’s hard to watch but isn’t considered abuse so we can’t really do anything about it.
Your think kids with autism were abuse but just the signs of autism no eye contact
Not funny when it's youtube's algorithm.
Do you recall the name of the documentary?
It’s nice to encounter a positive anecdote about foster care. It is good that at least one foster family was kind.
I was born prematurely and spent the first eight weeks of life in a NICU incubator in the hospital. It was back before they knew how important touch was for newborns, so I was not held or touched except for shots, blood draws and vitals etc. I was then abandoned by my mother at 18 months, raised in an extremely violent home and spent the years between 2-6 locked in a closet most of the time. I don't say all of this to be a downer. I want people to know that even with all of that trauma, I am here, learning how to not only survive but thrive. I did not learn how to play as a child. I am on the autism spectrum and have PTSD so my brain is vastly different than the norm. I just want those of you who have suffered similarly to know that there is so much hope. There are beautiful things to live for. I'm sorry that someone made you think you are hard to love. I promise that is not the case. You are all precious, sacred, beloved beings and I pray we all heal in the ways we need to. Blessings
So sorry to hear about the rough start in life, but what a blessing that you have learned to adapt and thrive as you say. That's such a good word for it. I hope you have a beautiful life filled with love and that you continue to be a blessing and an encouragement to others.
Wow! Am so glad you took control of your destiny and are living life to your fullest! My best wishes for a full and happy life!
Thank you ❤️
I am so sorry this happened to you are so strong!!! I hope life is amazing for you today!!!
What a beautiful message of hope from you, thank you so much for sharing!
My sister-in-law was adopted from Russia at the age of 3. The condition of the orphanage was deplorable. There was a large room filled with cribs and the only attention the babies got was changing and feeding. After coming to the states, she was medically diagnosed with Turner Syndrome and Borderline Personality Disorder. She was raised in an abusive family.
She is now 35 yrs old, married, works in the medical field, and is doing really well. She is very compassionate, loves unconditionally, and wears her heart on her sleeve, but she needs almost constant reassurance that she is loved and wanted. She’s an amazing person and I’m so proud of her.
We figured this out in the 1800s. It's been a while since I learned of this, so the finer details are a bit hazy.
It was an orphanage, and it was like you describe, only necessary handling of the babies. Infant mortality was really high. until someone started picking up the babies more, cradling them more. Just touching them more.
Infant mortality dropped.
Touching is so very important for babies. To the point it's fatal.
Sorry, it was just something my brain remembered since you mentioned those conditions.
I'm really sad about what happened to your sister in law, and really happy that she has a loving supporting family in you.
It's almost like personality disorders are just psych professionals lazy excuse for trauma they don't want to or can't deal with... sorry, slightly besides the point but also absolutely not, especially if this diagnosis came as a child.
I am from Russia and nothing has changed in the orphanages since then. Children live in horrible conditions. The only difference that now foreigners cannot adopt them, because the shitty government would rather let them rot in the orphanages, than let them have a decent life with a good medical care and loving parents in 'evil America' and 'gay propagating Europe'. I'm glad your sister in law made it out of there.
I think I love this lady too❤❤❤
@@0Jenna7I learned about a study done where they paired elderly in nursing homes with infants in NICU and the results were astonishing. Both the babies and the elderly were much healthier, happier, had higher survival rates and at the milestones check-ups for the babies those that had time with the elderly had thrived significantly more both physically and mentally. There is a definite correlation between touch and quality of life and life itself. The fact that science has no way to IMPLEMENT these findings with greedy insurance companies, politicians and doctors is criminal.
I am a retired nurse. I had a baby that I took care of in the home on one of my jobs. The child was severely mentally and physically disabled. When I was taking care of her I talked to her held her when she was awake and read to her as if she were a normal child. I was one of two nurses the parents preferred because I treated their child like a normally developed child. Many studies have been done that demonstrate infants and children need physical and emotional interaction to develop normally.
Thank you for doing that. Even if the kid has no clue what you're talking about, they can tell you care about them.
I was adopted at 6 months old after being taken from a severely neglectful and abusive environment. This was the mid 60's. My parents had no idea what they were getting. Only in my 50's (I'm almost 60), have I begun to understand my "idiosyncrasies". I don't remember what happened to me for those first 6 months, but my psyche does. My aunt told me that when my parents first got me my mom would try to rock me in a chair and feed me like you would a normal baby. I would climb down from her lap crawl into the corner and rock myself to sleep on all fours. I'm almost 60 years old and I still rock myself to sleep at night, but lying on my side. Let's not even get into my anxiety and depression.
I'm so sorry for what you experienced as an infant. Thank you for sharing.
It's really tragic to realise how crucial those early years experiences are. They seem to set the foundation for a person's whole future psyche. Wishing you all the best.
Someone watched Sybil…
I'm so sorry this happened to you! Please know that it was your patents' inability to love you and didn't have anything to do with how you were mistreated. You are, I can tell, a beautiful person who deserved so much more love and attention than you received. I hope you continue on the road toward healing and acceptance of yourself as a vital, important piece of the great eternal puzzle. Much love from Tennessee
Family friends adopted the child of the wife's adopted brother, so no blood relation. The parents had asked the couple to take the child for the weekend at about 6 mos and never came back for him.
No matter what they did, this poor child cried every night in terror for the first year.
He was such an adorable little boy, loving and anxious to please.
I hadn't seen him since he was about 8. A few years ago I saw him on facebook, now in his 50s, and it was so sad. I could still see that little boy in those eyes, along with the poverty and loneliness he seems to be living in - despite growing up with a father who was a millionaire in the 60s
Some people don't realise how sensitive babies are and how much stimulation they need.
The stimulation I received if any was harsh cruel nasty angry words in my ears or violence and I remember them at 1
@@healingandgrowth-infp4677 so sad to hear 😢
More like connection
@samiphilosophy3949 both are as equally important
People should start treating babies like they're GASP tiny human beings. And what do human beings generally dislike? Being neglected, ignored and abused, omg what an amazing scientific breakthrough.
I was sitting upstairs while my mom was on the phone with a pregnant friend. I was 15 at the time. My mother knew I was sitting right there as she compared my pregnancy and babyhood with my sister. I made her extremely sick, I moved and kicked a lot, and she considered aborting me. I was an extremely painful long delivery. I cried constantly; she was told to ignore me (although, in her words, ‘her father would go to her and spoil her’! Maybe that’s why I love my dad).
My sister’s pregnancy was so easy that mother wouldn’t know she was pregnant if it wasn’t for the ultrasound. She pretty much fell out; they were able to leave the hospital the next day. She didn’t wake them up at night, but I was crying at age 2 bc I was so afraid of the dark!
That was when I went down to my room and cried tears of grief. It explained so much about my family dynamics. I didn’t even cry when she died. Hadn’t talked to her in years!
I’m so sorry you went through that. Your mother was a narcissist. None of what she said was true. You were the scapegoat child and your sister was the golden child. There are lots of videos explaining about narcissistic people and the way they react people around them. Knowledge doesn’t fix the damage done but it does help to know the truth.
No matter how hard her pregnancy was, it was not your fault and you didn't deserve that treatment. My pregnancy was quite difficult but my son is a good kid and I would go through it again a million times over to make sure he exists. Honestly the fact that you had moved on with your life enough to remove all emotion speaks huge volumes about your strength. I hope you're thriving despite the way your were treated. Sadly I think I'll be able to say the same about my father after his death.
relax- if you are the first kid, the first one is harder to come to terms with and more painful and longer because your body doesnt know what it needs to do just yet and maybe you are in shock about having someone depending on you for the rest of your life. Also if she considered abortion it means you were an accident. Also you are associating things with yourself that have nothing to do with you as a person. Considering an abortion would have happened with any child that came at that time in her life. her being sick and having a long delivery completely irrelevant. With you crying constantly, she followed a doctors advice. She most likely had a postpartem depression and didnt feel like interacting with anyone so she was happy to follow it. The only thing Id say is she shouldnt have made fun of your fear of the dark because thats her fault. Kids dont just become afraid of the dark. They are afraid because their parents make them feel insecure in some way. Also to be fair you were eavsedropping on a private conversation. She didnt tell you this to your face and what she said is also not really talking about you behind your back because its not actually negative. she was talking about her experience/difficulty and not you as a person. Of course mothers have these difficulties and its better to talk about it than bottle them up.
@@danan9061there is no way to justify that woman’s cruelty. she said such horrible things - including that she considered abortion - knowing that her child was within earshot..this speaks to any normal, rational person, of a cruel and malicious woman who enjoyed twisting the knife inside one daughter’s heart whilst doting lovingly on the other…this was not an isolated instance of such cruelty, either, as the daughter had nothing to do with her mother, likely from the moment she could separate herself from her…I sincerely hope you do not have children as you seem incapable of separating decent, kind behaviour from cruelty..
@danan9061 my forth was my hardest pregnancy and birth. I treat all my children equally, even my step daughter. I wouldn't ever coincider how my pregnancy and birth went as the child's fault and treat them differently because of it. Pregnancy was my choice.
This comment really goes out to baby Travis...We fostered you last year during the pandemic. You where like these babies...My mom was working as an ER nurse and was the emergency foster who took you in. You seemed so sad, and you had barely lived. The beautiful thing, was before you where moved to your grandparents, we managed to get a smile out of you, a giggle. It was honestly the most beautiful and rewarding thing I had experienced. Our family was naïve in how emotionally neglected babies can be, with such a huge family, we had only been used to bouncing happy babies. You taught us so much about love as well. I hope that wherever you are now, you're doing much better, and living a full and beautiful life.
This made me cry. What incredibly kind people you are ❤
Oh my ❤❤❤
My Mom was a stay at home Mom who believed in the cry it out method. She also would tell babies and toddlers to stop crying. She ran a daycare. She blames my lack of liking to be hugged or touched on the fact that I was premature, but she fails to acknowledge her part as well.
I was neglected. Like you I didn’t like to be hugged or touched. All of a sudden getting attention only increased my anxiety level. Makes sense
I don't know, my mum was very cuddly. She also believed a baby can never be spoiled (kids different story tho) but I hate touching and hugging in general and absolutely loathe anything close to my face, including my own baby who is 1mo. I am the adult though, so for the sake of my baby I can deal with my issues with his little baby face homing in on mine. Perhaps there is some environmental influence attributing to peopled preferences in being touched or held, but I think there is some innate factor to it as well.
SAME and i was forced to hug my abusive father constantly because complained to my mom "he felt upset that i didn't love him" so she forced me with guilt every time, it was violating torture. I wasn't allowed to say no or I "was hurting him and being a brat"
@@DivineLightPaladin when we were younger, my dad, when drunk, would try to force my brother & i to give my mom a hug n kiss even though she was sleeping. he would get mad when we didn't want to
@@DivineLightPaladin I experienced the same thing, only for me, it was just a creepy great uncle I didn't have to see all that often, but when I did, he always wanted to kiss me on the lips (which I avoided at all costs). After being so guilted about it over the years, I finally just did it one day. The experience was just as foul as I expected it to be but the interesting thing is once I finally gave in, it never was expected of me again for some reason. It still affects me to this day tho. I completely understand what you went through, it's truly horrible to have your closest family not respecting your right to decide who you choose to give affection to.
It's too bad that these children weren't followed as they grew up to see how they turned out. Thanks for posting this extremely interesting video.
Thanks for your kind comment mate!
Exactly what I was thinking . 🤍
I think they went through enough. Children don't need their privacy exploited for your bemusement.
@@CannabrannaLammerit’s not about Amusement, it’s about Science & helping others who’ve gone thru similar things.
@@sweetcherry7759the science does help others who have gone through similar things.
Watch from the USA. Years ago my husband and I met a couple who had adopted a little girl from India. The little girl was 3 or 4 years old, but was not talking yet, except for "mama" and "dada" and seemed more like a 1 year old. She was very small for her age and developmentally delayed. As I talked to the mother I found out why. In India, at that time, little girls in an orphanage were not wanted. It was thought that no one would ever adopt them so they were left alone. They were fed and changed and nothing more. Never rocked, cuddled or talked to. This family had to take that baby back to newborn and go through all the stages with her and bring her up to age so to speak. They were making progress, but she wasn't up to age yet. I talked to the little girl myself and spent some time with her and even had her saying a new word by the time I left.
I love that, to start all over again as if the child had just been born, what an intelligent, thoughtful, lovely approach.
Umm no one in the orphanage is wanted that is why they are there.
@@chetyoubetya8565 No, she means they are not wanted by ANYONE, not just the parents who left them at the orphanage. As in, NO ONE will even want to adopt them, so why waste time on them, just ignore them, etc, because people only ever want the BOYS.
@chetyoubetya8565 They are children for God's sakes. And then ppl wonder why noone respects them, smh. No heart and brains.
The worshipping of boys in both India and China is resulting in a lack of women and girls by the millions! The level of stupidity is thru the roof.🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
I have noticed this kind of behavior in my grandson i am fostering him and his 5 month old brother when Archie who is 2 year old first came to stay he didnt know how to play i got him being a child and playing reading stories and showing affection to me he awas happy and well adjusted social services decided to place him back with his parents which lasted 6 months he was a completely different child when he came back all he wanted was an i pad he wouldnt sing with me engage in play but in yhe 4 weeks i have had him back my husband and i have worked hard he is playing again he is singing again and most omportant he is happy again xxx Eli is 5 months old and we think he has seperation anxiety he will not sleep unless he is in someones arms or in our bedgonna be a long road but i am honna do everyrhing in my power to let these little boys have a great childhood xx
God bless you and your husband, Tina!
I have an abuse, particularly emotionally background, but the big thing I noticed watching this is how much my rescue parrots follow this pattern, which I find interesting. I have 2 lorikeets, who were locked in separate tiny cages for a decade with basically no attention, perfectly cleaned & maintained cages & fresh food & water daily (although not the right type of food for their species), but no emotional care. They're lorikeets, who are normally really gregarious & confident & into everything, but mine just sit there & if I leave the room, they're calling me with their "contact calls" (where are you?) within seconds of me leaving. Teaching them to play & be birds is incredibly hard, cause their brains are just not wired for it, they just don't know what to do. Boy also refuses physical contact with me or girl bird too due to his abuse.
2.5 years with them & they are slowly learning to play, girl has now started to empty her toy basket & even, very occasionally "play" with a toy for a few seconds beyond just pulling it out of the basket & dropping it. Boy's a little better, he likes exploring gravity, carrying occasional toys & constant food dishes to the cage door & dropping them out of it & laughing as they hit the ground below. Neither will leave their cage due to insecurity issues, so I can leave the doors open on the cage all the time.
Interestingly too, the only thing I can get them to play with in any reasonable way is their food & water dishes, food & water, along with me being there are their only real focuses in life. Toys & general fun stuff with no survival purpose they won't focus on for more than a very short period before returning to those.
Isn't it interesting how it's not just humans that suffer this stuff, but the same applies to other social animals too, even if, in nature, those animals don't get a huge amount of, or long period of care from their parents. Same is known to happen outside just my birds too, monkeys kept as pets are notorious for having behavioural issues, orcas in captivity become violent/psychopathic, due to the denial of their emotional needs etc etc
It really sounds like you have done a wonderful job with your rescue parrots. It's such a beautiful story! I have a rescue eclectus and while he was not abused, I am still really happy and proud that he is such a well-adjusted guy. I bet with a little more time and patience you will be able to get them out of the cage, on their own time. Food motivation is a very powerful thing, as is attention from you. If you put a chair up to the cage and sit and read and sing to them and eat some treats, they may get curious about the outside world. Or you can put a perch on the inside of the cage for and when they step on and you open the door, they will be outside the cage. lots of treats for that. only very good things happen outside the cage, you know!
Very intersting about your rescued parrots!
@@susank2019 Thanks :) & yeh, these are the sorts of things I've done over the last couple of years. I can actually now get them to come just out of their cage while I'm there for security, still no need to ever close the doors on the cage though, as they won't come out to fly away or anything. I actually have perches attached to the outside of the cage, all over it & I hang apple & other treats on the outside to try to get them to climb out to the perches on the outside of the cage (and make less mess inside the cage by eating it there) & I hang containers off the little open doors on the end with things like lettuce in them, lettuce being their favourite, so they will stick their heads out to eat that fairly willingly now.
I started out target training them inside the cage & then moving the target near the open door, so that my boy in particular had to put his head in front of the open gap, where he could see out of it, to touch the target, which was super scary for him. Eventually I was able to get him to put his beak slightly out of the cage to touch the target stick & get a reward, rushing back into the cage as fast as he could after doing it. Over about 3 months, I managed to actually get him to stick his head out to touch the stick & get his treat, then I introduced them to a new, larger cage & thought it would take AGES for them to agree to move, but they, for some reason, loved it & moved in immediately, actually climbing out of their cage to get inside the new one (right next to it) & then biting me if I tried to put my hands into the new one & refusing to leave it, which was interesting, cause I had been expecting them to take ages to get used to it, so at that point, I didn't even have food or water dishes set up in it & had to try to do that while being bitten by 2 birds telling me this was now THEIR cage lol.
That's their current cage, it has a large side door that I open & close & 2 small doors on the end that are always open. Over time, opening the large door has let the boy see outside & lose his fear of it, so I can even put a birdbath there now, with the big door open & have him come out into it, conditional to being able to jump back into his cage every 5 seconds or so for security & the big door at 90 degrees, so he still kinda feels like he's inside the cage/surrounded by walls when he does so.
I'm working on ropes (with wire in them) from their cage to extend the range that they travel from it, but we don't get far. I've kinda given up really, their cage isn't that big, it's small enough to fit through doors & is on big wheels now so I can wheel them around easily & I just move their cage to let them experience different aspects of life, rather than trying to get them out of it. They're pretty good with coming onto the perches outside the cage, right at the open doors, but that's really their limit. When I'm watching tv or on my computer in bed, I put their cage next to it too & have ropes going from their cage to my bed & if I put enough treats on it, I can sometimes get them to leave their cage & come over onto the bed, sometimes even walking along the bed up to my head to steal food I'm eating, which is good :) They run back to their cage super fast if anything at all startles them though.
Girl's a little more comfortable out of her cage & the 2 of them together works really well, they kinda get confidence from each other, one will lead & the other will follow (varies which one in different settings), feeling safe being with it's friend/mate. They won't preen or do mate things, cause of boy's touch refusal, but they area closely bonded & rely on each other for security.
When they went to the vet to get hormone implants, boy went in first, then returned while girl went in & he was beside himself, ripping out chunks of feathers where the surgery had been & just really, really distressed. When girl returned, she was really groggy from anaesthetic & just sat on the perch, boy actually pushed up against her for comfort & continued doing it so hard he pushed her right up against the wall & then put his head under hers & hid there & stayed there, hidden under her head, right up against her, until they got home. That was really interesting actually, cause he normally HATES contact & keeps his distance & seems pretty together, while girl is the one that seems distressed easily, but clearly he uses her for comfort & security too.
Girl actually has him henpecked & if I put my hand into the cage or do something she doesn't like, she demands he defend their cage for her, which he duly does & attacks me on her command lol. They generally actually come out to the perches just outside the door if they want attention from me & like me close to them, just as long as I don't touch in the case of my boy. Girl likes to preen my eyebrows & lean against my check, not allowed hands near her though. Stuff like "step up" they hate, because they don't feel they have control over where they are if on a moving hand. I keep trying, but they will really only do one foot on my hand, while the other is locked onto their cage & that's despite 2 years of working on it.
They're just too emotionally messed up to ever really do "normal" parrot things I think but they're fairly happy little things now I think, lots of happy chatter & interacting with each other & me. Girl still plucks, but she doesn't do the mental asylum type rocking back & forward anymore which she used to do near constantly when I got her) & doesn't do distressed screaming or crying (that also used to be constant) & even plucking isn't that same manic, distressed, fear type motion now, seems to be just that addiction to the endorphins that go with self mutilation created pain. She likes playing with smart toys sometimes too now & boy likes watching other birds on tv & doesn't aggressively bite any hand anywhere near him (he came with a glove for changing his food & water & directions "you'll need this" & apparently no-one could get anywhere near him without really severe biting. He even vocally told the vet "no" in bird language when she gave him a pat, rather than biting her hand off for it, which is impressive progress for him) they're ok with me moving their cage to various locations, from my bedroom to living room to kitchen & even outside (although not any sun, they're little vampires that think they will melt if the sun touches them & hide from it lol).
As long as they're together & have me & their cage, they seem to be fairly happy in their own ways, just not the really full life that most parrots want & enjoy & can't do simple things like have them on my shoulder to come with me into the kitchen, have to move the entire cage, or leave them & have them calling me, even if I just do something simple like go into the kitchen to wash up a used plate & don't take them in their cage with me. They do seem generally happy with life as it is now though, so I'm happy with that. Only thing that worries me is boy is older than girl, I don't know how old, but he's not young, so I don't know what happens when he dies of old age, I may even end up having to get girl euthinased at that point if I can't make more progress on her learning to cope with life without him. She wants to have a baby, I'm really hoping I might be able to get her a fertile egg & maybe through that a baby that can then become her companion long term, without messing with the relationship the 2 of them have now. Not that easy to get a fertile egg at the right level of development for her to sit on & hatch though. Anyway, for now they're basically happy, certainly learning to enjoy an abuse free life :)
& will say, treats are limiting with these 2, cause they had a diet of bird junk food previously, so "treats" to them means the foods that they are supposed to eat. They just love their nectar mix & also love veggies, so hard to treat them when they HATE things like seeds, that are usually treats, cause of being forced to eat nothing but sunflower seeds for so long. They love having fresh veggies they can browse on whenever they like during the day, that's heaven to them, especially when they have their nectar too & even moreso when their nectar is put in various forms to simulate nature, such as on bottlebrushes. Things most birds take for granted, for these 2 give them great happiness in life :)
You are sooo right. Animals have emotions. I think many people deny it because it justifies the cruaulty they have on animals. Same goes for my recue cat than for your parrots. She was abused then abandoned on the highway. When she arrived at my home, I could not touch nor approach her. She would run. She was afraid of toys, couldn't do any sound (she tried but no sound came out), was scared to take treats in my hand. She is so much better after two years. She is much more secure and relaxed (loves pets, purrs a lot, sleeps with her belly exposed on our bed). She plays and meows like a normal cat. She's still easily scared of noises, doesn't come on lap nor in someone arms but we are patiently working on it, at her own pace.
@@mehere8038 wow, you certainly have done a lot for them and obviously care for them so much. I do kind of wonder if they will actually end up having babies at some point. I'm not sure but I wonder if that might affect their relationship though? my guy had some cage insecurity, but not as much as your birds'. It was more that he liked being near the cage and definitely only want to be in the room near where the cage was (the living room). it took me 1.5 years to get him to be comfortable in other rooms, but not he really is ok. So I wouldn't give up on them yet. It's great they can be in another room in the cage, but ultimately I think they still could learn to be happy out of the cage. There's actually a FB group that has experts you can discuss these weird parrot behaviors with, and their advice is generally quite good (and it's free). facebook.com/groups/parrotbehaviorandtraining/
Hello from Germany, a retired specialist for Psychotherapeutic Medicine here. :-) Thank you for the great footage. It's really important to know that the neuroplasticity doesn't go away, and a lot can still be done for people who have suffered childhood adversity.
Hello from neighbouring Poland. Can you please advise whether there is an age limit to when you can make effective changes? I always heard of 26 and have become increasingly worried for myself ever since I passed that mark. Thank you in advance.
@@ZosiaSamosiaOo , in the meantime, we know that even the brain of elderly people in their 60-80 still changes and makes new connection. It is never too late!
@@ZosiaSamosiaOohave a look at Bessel Van Der Kolk: The Body Keeps The Score. As a 61 year old survivor, I recommend you have a support network in place before trying to do anything other than gain intellectual knowledge. None of us can do the necessary work in an emotional vacuum. None of us can maintain an external objectivity to our changing internal processes, we need feedback and encouragement from an experienced supporter. Having friends who can take our mind off the work to simply have fun instead is often forgotten in the earnest desire to heal. Good luck and enjoy life as much as you can.
@@ZosiaSamosiaOoreread it. He said any age with the words: “neuroplasticity does not go away.”
Yes, you can!
@@michellebyrom6551 Thank you. I'll take that advice as well. I haven't read "The Body Keeps the Score" yet but I did read "When the Body says No" by Gabor Mate and that really inspires me to keep trying to heal. And yes I take my healing interpersonal journey way too seriously. Will try to have some fun while I'm at it:)
i grew up in an unstable household and i can tell you i have a SLEW of mental illnesses due to the abuse/neglect i experienced. i sometimes think that maybe i assume i have too many or that maybe the doctor is wrong but seeing how, even at an age you cant remember, you already show signs of trauma. very enlightening. ps im a mother to a 3 year old and i feel like i did the direct opposite of what my parental figure did and i genuinely feel like im a good parent because of that.
VixxScene, you're doing what Daniel J. Siegel, Ph.D., calls "parenting from the inside out." This is exactly how you heal: dealing with things as they come, which they do as you see yourself in your children. Some people pass the trauma on, and others dig deep inside themselves to change the pattern. Blessings on you and yours! You are doing heroic work.
Good job addressing your trauma, it's so hard. However please make sure you don't overcompensate by doing the complete direct opposite, because one extreme isn't better than the other. I've seen children suffer as adults because their neglected parents smothered them too much to overcompensate the negligence they had experienced in their own childhoods... Balance is key.
I can speak from experience about this matter. It's really easy to remember all the negatives. Try to remember a positive you may have shared with her. She was a mentally unwell woman who was giving a baby and no instructions and no support and no understanding. Just remember nobody is all evil. I let my resistance and my anger towards my mother blind me to the good things about her. I was blessed to have my heart heal from that so that I could see the truth. May life give you what you require for peace and happiness.
Sometimes all you have is a the example of how not to be and that’s a lesson we can use to our benefit. I understand this one
The jury is still out. Wait until your kids reach adult hood and hear what they have to say before you pat yourself on the back.
I was also told to never put my baby down he won’t be spoiled he’ll feel loved and safe. And I rarely ever spoke baby talk I spoke to him like an adult from the day he was born.
Well I went further and had constant skin on skin contact with my baby and always spoke to him like he was a senior manager of a large corporation
based@@rickymort135
@@rickymort135 😂😂
I was adopted at about 8 weeks old and went to fantastic parents. I surprisingly didn’t have issues with bonding because the nurses at the hospital gave me huge amounts of cuddles and attention (I did research and although my records were gone, the social work reports still existed). Apparently the nurses used to argue over which one of them got to feed me and they even gave me a name. Amazing. I’d love to be able to thank those wonderful ladies (Sutherland Hospital, Sydney, August 1967) - they are the reason I started life feeling loved. I still have to deal with the huge emotional issues from the rejection so many of us adoptees feel, but at least I had a great start in life. I’m so sorry for the experiences other people in the comments have had - you are all worthy and significant, and very much loved by the God who made you. I’m so sad your parents didn’t do what they should have done to make you feel loved and secure.❤
The way the first baby reacted to it’s mother and tried to get her to interact is an analogy or mini-drama of my relationship with my mother for the entirety of our shared time on earth. She died at 90 when I was 65 and although I never stopped trying to get her to interact with me psychologically and emotionally, it never happened. She was like that present but dead rendition of the mother in the second part.
I gave up at 17 and though have tried to interact with the narc psychopath of a so called mother into my 20s… I stopped all contact sometime in my 20s. Life’s better without that battle in my mid 30s… maybe it will continue to get better after now….
But I can’t possibly ever imagining willingly being trapped in that kinda hell for another 30 years.
My sister in law spent her days trying to get her mother to love her or even react to her. I actually said to SIL you are wasting your time . She literally had 2 car accidents within a block of her mothers home after driving for Two hours to visit her and she would turn around and go home . Her life was so miserable . Her mother was a monster
If your mother was like that, that means someone did it to her too to be like that. There are children that understands their mother and there are children that don't. Some moms never tell their kids they love them, but their kids will tell their mom they love her. It may be hard for mom to say it, but she shows it everyday. Despite mom's situation, her children are still her top priority, but some children grow up pointing fingers at mom as if she doesn't love her kids. That's c r u e l for moms all over the world when it is mom that does everything for her babies. Smh. The only thing women should stop doing now is having babies because the quality of ppl are h o r r i d. Mom cannot do everything.
@@mazezace You're missing the point.
I agree@@mazezace
My mother always wanted a little girl so after two sons, she was ecstatic when she found out that she was expecting me (she would have a hysterectomy after my birth so she never had any more kids after me). Apparently, I was a pretty calm and comfortable pregnancy (aside from her stomach growing so large that people thought she was expecting more than just one - pretty funny considering how I was also the smallest one of her babies) and all was fine and dandy up until my birth. I was apparently kicking a lot and had at one point turned around while she was pushing and kicked her straight in the heart (I don't know if that is physically possible, but that was what she said). The force was so strong that it made her lose her breath and she was in pretty severe pain from it (amazing how strong a baby's kick can be when you think about it). Unfortunately, this kick was the thing that immediately took me from being the golden child to becoming the family's black sheep. She never forgave me for doing that and i constantly heard about it my whole life up until I finally broke contact with her a couple of years ago.
It was hard watching these clips of the neglected babies because I can see myself in them. I have notes taken by my teachers in kindergarten where they describe this same behavior from me and how I was always on edge and nervous. I would play (usually by myself) but I would always hesitate and look for approval before doing so. I remember one thing especially that was repeated through my notes that the teachers struggled a lot with and that was that I never asked for anything I wanted or needed. We would be sitting by the table having lunch, and the teachers could see that I wanted the butter for example, but I would never ask for it, I would just stare at it if I couldn't reach it myself. I still remember that anxiety I would feel about just asking for something. I was honestly afraid of it. Even now as an adult, I can sometimes feel myself reverting back to that small child who just sits quietly in the corner and "stares" at things, instead of speaking up because I don't want to risk offending or bothering anyone. I'm obviously a lot better now than I was then, but these scars run pretty deep still.
I actually cried when I saw the footage of the child panicking when her mother stopped reacting to her, because I could feel that pain and fear that she felt in that moment. I'd never wish that kind of thing on anyone.
Listening to your story from the outside I suspect the story of you kicking your mums heart is not true but the product of your mothers abusive personality. How cruel of her to tell you that story and paint you as the bad guy before you were even born.She seems to me to have some kind of personality disorders and maybe even had undiagnosed/untreated post partum depression.😢 sending you love from Ireland
@@millyvolance from my own research, I suspect that she might be a narcissist (I know that word gets thrown around a lot these days but the diagnosis fits her to a T) or possibly borderline. I'm by no means an expert though.
Either way, thank you for the kind comment. It means a lot.❤
@@NekoArts most welcome - you keep taking care of yourself xx
I feel your comment so deep in my bones. I was never neglected as such but my mum was never emotionally connected to me. She had many miscarriages and still births before me. Like I mean a lot. Upwards of 20 and I think she thought I was going to go the same way. I was born premature. My mum was a good mum. The best she knew how. Except for when she wasn't. And then she'd tell me she wished never had me. That shit runs deep. I had everything I needed and some things I wanted but I never felt loved. Now as an adult I have great difficulty in social situations. I always feel like no one listens to me and I have nothing worthy to talk about. I cannot ask for things like you, I can't even make a solid decision sometimes. I never had and I never will tell my kids I wish I never had them. We are poor. We don't have everything we want but my kids are loved and provided for and I wish that was the standard for every child
I have the same experience. I never felt truly loved as a child and it still haunts me today as an adult. I feel the effects of trauma.
I am currently in the proces of getting EMDR therapy to help with trauma as it is clearly impacting my ability to raise my 4 month old and he deserves an emotional stable mum. Did not realize I had these deep rooted 'issues' before he was born. The first clip of the mom not reacting to that baby's attempts to get a response made me cry immediately.
Wishing the best for you and your baby boy. ❤️
You are a star mom. Would you let us know whether EMDR therapy has managed to help you to heal?
Thank you for sharing. You will overcome as you realize the need for it. You are a supermom, because that's what supermoms do!
Did it work 🙏
Hugs and love ❤️
I'm 40 today, born and raised in Eastern Europe, and I'm horrified how big the gap, or should I say an abyss, exists between today's perception of child abuse and neglect and the socially accepted good parenting. In times of my childhood nobody cared about children exhibiting emotional withdrawal, and as long as their parents fed them, sent them to school, brought them to the doctor, they were considered perfect parents. No psychology tests were ever run at schools, and that field of healthcare was widely thought as something for clinically insane. As long as the child kept quiet and didn't cause trouble, nobody would take interest in what it felt and what its emotional needs were, and what was going on at home. I can't forgive all the teachers, psychologists, doctors etc. who never cared to inquire about what my soul felt like, and not just my body, Nobody saved me from my abusive family, which never left bruises on my skin, but was butchering my psyche every day of my life.
Same for me, I am also from an Eastern European family. It’s sad and I mourn for my younger self. But I try to look forward and remember what progress I have made despite my limitations from my family. Now I can provide more to my own family.
44yo, from balkans, both my parents couldn t emotionally connect w anyone or understood emotions etc. Maybe the cultural element is just an excuse bcs an empathetic mother, attuned w her child won t emotionally neglect it -or even avoid any physical touch. I now accuse the system bcs for some reason we don thave the info from school about the existence of so many ppl among us who perceive life differently than the majority-like my parents but i thought at the time that they were rare exceptions. How does school prepare us to live as adults..? Dangerous & suspicious -& unfair for all ppl involved.
😢
I think neglect is abuse too! I was severely neglected for 16 months in a Russian orphanage in the early 90's before I got adopted. Therapists arenttrainrd to help me and I think it's because neglsct isn't considered as bad because it "doesn't leave physical scars." My adult teeth all came in messed up because I didn't get enough food as a baby, that's directly from the malnutrition I experienced!
I've had to learn a lot of about neglect and adoption and trauma on my own and alone because they don't study it well enough in the medical system to help people. At least not in my area 😢
I really hope we can get more research and help for people who have suffered neglect because it really does have a huge impact.
Every child deserve parents, but not every parents deserve their child.
And watching this from Denmark
Every child deserves loving parents
This is fascinating.. it's like the babies who came from stability are able to fully immerse themselves in things they enjoy and the ones that come from neglect are more interested/distracted trying to read the room and/or people please.
Not always. Dismissive avoidants are very good a doing things alone, just like they had to play alone in their room when they were children because they were often ignored. And than we have the mix of both types= fearful avoidant which can be 50:50 anxious and dismissive or 40:60, the behaviour depends on the situation and the person that is involved.
These films are fascinating. I also learned recently that even if an infant or young child was loved and supported by their parents they can still end up with this condition because of the parent's stress and emotional state(ex: struggling single parents, mental abuse between spouses, mental illness etc). Babies are way more aware than we think♥️
I’m thinking that’s what my mental
Problems may stem from. Raised by a very stressed out single mother, etc. I’m so glad I read your comment.
@@tracycooper2697 I'm glad to have helped. I hope you are doing well, and can find someone who specializes in this to help you on your healing journey💗
I am a stressed out single mum with zero support l.My children have secure attachment style and are healthy and happy children. They are my reason to breathe and I'm doing everything in my power including parenting course to raise emotionally healthy kids. I am doing counselling to deal with my own trauma. Thank you for reminding me how my stress can effect my children
@@user-dr3it1pj7d You're doing a great job. If they aren't already, I know your kids will be proud and grateful that their Mum did everything possible to give them the best upbringing. Keep up the good work, I know it can be difficult sometimes!
@@Rachel-nc8kp Your comment brought tears in my eyes. THANK YOU SO MUCH.
That mother has nerves of steel. I started crying when the baby did.
Awww that’s sweet
Watching from Philippines. I was an elementary teacher and I've encountered different kinds of children from 4-12 years old. I really believe that even when child was a baby, their environment can affect the development of their personality and mentality in such an early age.
I don’t think I could keep my face that straight. Baby smiles are the best!
My mom was ill after giving birth to me, so my grandmother took me in temporarily, of course I don't remember any of that, I lived with grandma for 6-8 months, already called her ma', she used to tell me. When my mom was better she took me back, but I didn't know her and I stopped eating, so she had to take me back to grandma and visit until I got to know her enough to go home. The bond between my mom and I never developed, though I adored my grandma... My mom was very unstable and violent, I never liked her, I often would run away from home and i would go to my grandma's thinking I would never be found, I was very young, 6-7-8 yrs old I don't know exactly, but I was sure my home was not safe, but grandma's was... I do feel grateful to have had such an amazing grandma, she made up for what I lacked, not fully, but her influence in my life changed my perspective because I was able to experience feeling deeply loved and accepted thanks to her...
My mom had me while in medical school and went through her residency when I was a toddler. I understand now why she chose to breastfeed me for 4 years. She probably needed the bonding as much as I did, and she could do it while half asleep haha. One of my earliest memories is of prying her eye open once and asking if she was awake (she was not). Poor woman, she's the definition of doing it all 😂
(Love you mom!!! I'm so proud of you for following your dreams. You're the best doctor and an even better mom. No matter how busy you are, you're always there for me 😭💖)
This was my childhood.. Emotional neglect, no stimulation, toys, play and no love. I was not physically neglected but my emotional needs were never met. My mother was mentally ill, hospitalised and given electric shock treatment. She did not want any children and as a consequence I received no emotional nurture, stimulation or love. It wasn't her fault however her legacy has been to create a human with cptsd and bpd. My life has been not worth living because of my inability to form any meaningful relationships, my anxiety and my lack of emotional control. Dr's need to watch this as part of their training. I believe emotional neglect is as terrible as physical abuse on a developing brain
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Have always said the emotional neglect felt just as bad as physical abuse/neglect if not worse, bc at least the physical is in the moment but the mental is neverending. I’m genuinely & wholeheartedly sorry you feel as if your life isn’t worth living & hope you’re able to change that perception someday & realize all of our lives, despite how difficult, is worth living. You matter, you’re enough.🖤
I felt this comment so hard. Sounds like my inner thoughts. And my mother was very similar.
Please dont blame your mother. Ect and antipsychotics controlled her fully. She did not do this because she wanted to.
Yes, Its now recognised as carrying possibly higher risk of lifetime negative effects.. I believe so, but both are very real and If no one does anything at all ....the pain of developmental neglect is blamed almost entirely internally . Physical Abuse can be externalised, and internalised, but give one a sense of existing in the world rather than not at all...
I really liked how they showed how the second girl, who went to a daycare, was equally well adjusted. Back then, mothers got a lot of stigma if they didn't take care of the babies at home (still do a bit!) This proves that having more than one caretaker (if they are all kind) is still a safe environment.
I noticed that, too. The first time I watched this experiment I was expecting them to claim that the second child was in some way deprived because of being in the nursery, and I was pleasantly surprised that they didn't. It almost felt purposeful, like the people running the experiment were aware of the stigma, knew it was wrong, and set about to show that the facts support the claim that good caregivers and loving parents is a perfectly healthy arrangement. I was raised by loving parents and cared for at different times by my grandparents and by daycare workers. I've been a nanny myself for twelve years. If the parents and all the caregivers are kind and loving, there's nothing wrong with being raised by a village!
@@thompsonfj1 thank you for being a good nanny! I had a nanny for 2 years when my parents travelled a lot for work at one time. I still miss her sometimes and learnt a lot from her like a bit of several languages
the problem is most places where kids and old people are looked after in the west now are a joke. underpaid young women and immigrants getting paid to take care of 80 of them at once. it's barely even a sound comparison in reality.
Its shocking and I am not looking forward to be coming an old person one day. @@innocuousmerchant8766
Daycares back then were not the same as the overcrowded daycares of today, especially in places like the US.
I wish there had been more awareness about the impacts of childhood abuse and neglect when I was younger. I'm 62 now, back when i was a child the sole remedy was to remove the abuse (sort of) and assume that was the end of it. Subsequently I passed on my damage to my children. Not in the same way, because I would never do to my children what was done to me. But my abuse led to fractured self, self loathing, dissociation, and difficulty with emotional attachment. I had no idea how to parent so I parented "by the book" doing all the right things but with rigidity and without emotional connection. I loved my children, but had difficulty emoting that to them. It wasn't until I was in my 40ies that I started to unravel my abuse and find ways to connect to my children. My hope is that my openness on my childhood and how it created a non-optimal environment for them, will give them the self-awareness to lessen the impact on their children. It takes generations to erase abuse from a family tree. Injured people injure people, even when we try not to.
Thank you! Some think that just getting the children out of the abusive home is enough to heal them. It is not! I left home at a very early age due to abuse and neglect thinking that leaving home was what I needed to be happy. Strange thing was I did not become happy, although I did enjoy the peace of not living in the home of my parents. At 61 I am still battling this abuse, trying to process it and heal the grief.
Reading your comment actually brought me some healing. My mother was mentally ill, cold, neglectful and abusive, and I've always had very complicated feelings around this and wonder if she ever loved me. My grandmother died last year (her mother) and she's been acting differently, trying to act like a mother but I'm in my 30's, I don't know what to do with it. I don't want to be hurt anymore, and I certainly don't want her stuff to affect my child. I'd like to think my mother feels like you do. She wasn't the worst mother in the world, in fact, her mother was worse to her, but she also put me in a shelter and told me to kill myself so.. it's hard to feel genuine love. It breaks my heart to think she may have felt love and couldn't show it. It's also hard to believe someone could love you and do such hurtful things. I am trying to do better with my own daughter but she has had to deal with my PTSD and mental health issues. Trauma is indeed very tough to heal when it's generational. Decades of pain doesn't disappear without work.
Soso proud of you for trying tho. I’ve always said it’s never too late for my parents to change & try to do right by me & my siblings yet they still never have. So your effort is very admirable.🖤
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It's interesting to note that animals also have emotional needs just like humans do. I've been in pet rescue for many years and have experienced this with dogs and cats. When neglected, they are sad and do not respond to training but when they are loved, happy and feel good about themselves their personality just blossoms and they respond to training so much more quickly.
Watching from New Zealand. My husband has been searching for years for the reason for his anxiety and depression, but I guessed it long ago, and his mother as good as admitted it when she told me the sorry tale of his first year of life. When he was born, she was a 21 year old living in a new city with a new husband and no family support. She was severely affected by post-natal depression. When my father in law went to work and my husband started crying, she couldn't deal with it. She would leave him in the nursery, close the doors and go to the other side of the house, or even leave the house to get away from the sound of his crying, because she was afraid she would actually kill him. She reached out to Plunket (the national child health and motherhood support group) and told them about the thoughts she was having, and they said they were very busy, but would follow up. They didn't. I don't know why she didn't try finding other help - probably something to do with shame and being 21 and mentally ill in the 70s, and having no support from her own neglectful, emotionally abusive parents. Anyway, it was a year before the depression broke. Plunket finally called back and asked her about her depression and how was the baby. She told them she had killed him, and hung up the phone. They never called back.
But anyhow. My husband never said a word until he was 3 years old. He doesn't remember anything from before he was 3 either. Even when not dangerously depressed, you can hardly call my mother in law affectionate. I see a direct line from him being abandoned whenever he was in need, or in pain, or upset, to the anxiety he has always had, and the depression he developed as an adult. I have told him what his Mum told me, but he refuses to see that as a contributing factor because he believes that the brokenness is within himself, and that perhaps he can fix it if it is. But he thinks if it's due to something that happened before he can even remember he won't be able to fix it.
I know one thing though - over 15 years of talking to his GP and therapy and medications has not banished his demons. I am hopeful that it is because he is barking up the wrong tree.
I do feel sorry for my mother in law. She had a tough early life that also damaged her. It's hard not to feel angry though when I think of her closing the door on her baby. I know she isn't very proud of it, but I don't think she knows the damage she did. I also wonder why my father in law also didn't pick up on his wife's state and get her help.
😢
Based on my life as an adult, I was emotionally neglected as a baby. It was hard to watch, but at least I can grieve the experience now and move on from it. ❤
Same here. I still get very angry looking back at how neglectful and self absorbed my parents were
We adopted a child that was emotionally neglected, traumatized and physically neglected. I backtracked on many milestones that were not addressed by her parents in the 18 months they had with her. I still find places that need attention as she grows (she's a tween now) one day at a time with love and patience ❤
I started looking into the studies on epigenetics and how trauma can be passed down via changes to our DNA. I love how much we are learning about our own minds and bodies and how things are all intertwined.
What's cool is that genes are not a given, they are a potential. External forces, specifically your _reaction_ to external forces, is what turns them on and off. So, learning that you can respond to what happens around you and to you in any way you choose is very empowering and liberating. Your thoughts are the most powerful thing in your universe.
I’m a psychiatric nurse practitioner from New York. I treat children with a range of mental illness disorders. I just found your channel and subscribed to it. Thanks.
Thank you so much for the comment. I love knowing the background of viewers!!
Goodness seeing that sweet baby reacting so strongly to her lovely mum - after experiencing such stress when mum wasn’t responding - how CRUCIAL this interaction is for healthy child development.
Every psychologist vlogger: "if you feel you might have these issues, talk to your doctor and they will help you".
An NHS mental health nurse who was listening to me trying explain that I am depressed and need help: "oh, but you dressed up so nice, so seems like you're fine 🥰"
The bar is in hell, apparently.
I'm sorry you were dismissed when you are in need.
This is fascinating … I was raised in an abusive home, my father was abusive behind closed doors and my mother was 100% disabled … the few times I was allowed to go to some friend’s I was almost terrified about how loud they were while playing, when I was used to play silently and move silently…. And still now I tend to be silent and almost disappear ..
I was hazed and bullied around 8 years in my early teens (starting at 10-11 years old till age 18). I have PTSD which went untreated for years. I got through those 8 years by dissociating to the extent that I couldn't feel anything. I had flashbacks continuously for years, some resulting in severe panic attacks that made me freeze. My mother was made aware of my issues but chose not to intervene as I always looked forward to going to school (I loved learning and had compartmentalised: School was not allowed to touch home, home was safe), I never feigned tummy ache to get out of school. I did have a volatile temper that was so frightening apparently that my mother dreaded when I came home. I told two people what I was experiencing, and my teacher told my mum. Nothing happened, so I never spoke about it again. When my dad died I couldn't mourn, even though I love him a lot. That was the trigger for me to get help. The first therapist I couldn't really connect to, but I was displaying symptoms in therapy such as inappropriate behaviour (smiling while talking about the abuse), flat emotions and such.
My second therapist managed to resolve the dissociation by using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy with ETF tapping when I was around 40. She was also the one that more or less gave me the diagnosis PTSD. It had taken a few years to get to that point.
I still have flashbacks to this day (the most recent one was a few days ago), but I can recognize them for what they are and ride them out, letting those feelings of despair, anger, hurt and abandonment go from all those years ago go. Flashbacks before were like a riptide, they showed up out of the blue, tore the floor from under me and pulled me under. Soemtimes it took days to shake them in which I couldn't do much as the emotions were drowning out everything else. Now I can feel them coming. I retreat to a safe place, let my security net know what is going on and get comfortable. When I am safe, I let it happen. Due to what my therapist taught me I can now surf the wave, I know it's there, I acknowledge the emotions and feelings, but I'm on the outside looking in. I let it run its course till it ends.it peters out and is done. It can be exhausting, but it's a part of healing and it no longer throws me back as much as it used to do. I will have to deal with this for the rest of my life.I'm in a mostly good place now, I have good days and bad days.
I can't change my past but I can control how I deal with it now. And I have a great emotional support system around me that helps. I really wish though that someone had intervened. I am forever changed and have lost a lot. If you see someone struggling, please do something even if you only let them know you're there. The worst thing is going through hell and feeling invisible.
Also: Germany
I'm so sorry for your pain. Did your past lead to worse things? Mine lead me to being with abusive men, dancing to pay my bills and im probably lucky ive never been an addict for too long. Was addicted to xane#x for 3 years. I am 40 as well and im finally living with a supportive friend who helps me and does not hurt me. The last 10 months are the only peace ive known. Im crying so much as I write this.
@@gothicgirlfriend7375 I was on my own most of the time, as I hadn't really learned to socialize properly. I know now I'm on the spectrum, so that didn't help things. I had few relationships, none really lasted. The worst was 3 months with a narcissist, but I managed to get out of that without too much fallout. Some things broke, but I got out okay. I have been with a loving partner and a great friends group that take me how I am. I still feel on the outside sometimes, but it gets better. I keep working on it, mainly cause I'm stubborn and don't want this to rule my life. I have gone low contact with my mother though. I'm finding it hard to forgive.
@sadeva6532 same. I just cut my sister off yesterday for good because she was the first real narcissist I ever loved. Good luck to your healing. Stay on track. You're doing good.
I ran across a stunning example of this a few years ago. Two young women in their early 20s, identical twins, raised in the same household.
One was a bit overweight, the sweetest, most generous, loving girl. The other was thin, vain, snide, ambitions and totally selfish.
Looking at childhood photos, you wouldn't think they were identical. One was always a little taller and heavier, and with more smiles.
I was completely mystified by this until I learned the smaller one had to stay in the NICU for months before she was brought home.
Very interesting. Thanks for sharing
Oh noooo! How terrible!
Just for the record, though, there could be other reasons for the differences besides neglect during a months-long ICU stay. She might have some damage from the birth, for example.
@@EPalsson No she doesn't.
Hi Dr Syl I'm from Canada 🇨🇦 and I am a 60 yo female who has schizoaffective disorder. I enjoy your videos and the things I learn. I never realized that its possible for my neglect in childhood to possibly lead to my mental illness. But my therapist has recently pointed out to me that I was emotionally neglected by my mother as she always put her needs first and wasn't there for me consistently. I wondered why this was so important to my therapist. Now I know. This was a great educational video. Thanks 😊
This was/is so very painful to watch. My mum was strapped into a high chair for days at a time and simply “forgotten”. She was emotionally/physically abusive when I was little. I have always understood the why of this, but when I compare to my experience with my own kids, she missed out on so much!
Terrified to be a mother because of moments like these, what if accidentally make my baby upset because I'm too busy💔😅 watching from the United States 👋🏻
Right? I said something like this to my therapist, like "I don't want kids, I feel like I'm going to screw them up" and her response was "just you thinking that shows that you WONT be a bad mom. Think of how many people have kids without even worrying about something like that, without taking the time to reflect on themselves and how their actions affect their children"
@@CieraMychele what a reassuring thing to hear! Others see our strengths before we do sometimes🤷🏼♀️
Just caring this much I am not worried about you! They don’t come with manuals. You won’t and can’t be perfect
You'll be fine. Just love and talk to the baby as much as possible. "Mothering instinct" is a myth, however, it's not that mysterious or enigmatic either. It's a lot more casual and subtle and warm than is depicted. Less "fireworks" and more "This bed was kinda soft and inviting when I initially got in it, but nowwww...now that I've gotten cozy and warm here, I will cling to this comforter for dear-life and fight anyone who tries to take it from me."
You don't realize how viscerally attached you've become until you self-audit later.
I said same to my therapist, got same answer.
Watching from Brazil! Great video. I’m expecting my first child and have been learning a lot about children’s development. Thanks for the video!
My mom liked her alcohol and pills and I was abused and neglected. She passed in 2016 and I’m only now beginning to come to grips with it and working on forgiving her for my own sanity
Re word your story might help like my mum neglected me cause she used drugs n alcohol, your mother had major trauma as well happy people don’t get hooked on drugs etc. she made me feel what ? Change to I felt this or that! Can you see the power shift here. Don’t be a victim don’t be a survivor aspire to live a better life. If you have questions don’t hesitate to ask me😘
@@jacquelinequigley6035 thank you so much for your wise advice. May God bless you and yours ❤️
I wonder how many parents are undiagnosed neurodivergent? I was late dx’d adhd and only got tested because my daughter was assessed at 18. Turns out she’s ASD with adhd. I tried my best to give her the loving and emotionally stable first years but I suffered burnouts. She was very advanced but also super clingy with me.
20 years ago no one understood this. Now we can see there is a cycle that passes from generation to generation. Neglect breeds neglect. A parent can only teach a child to love if he himself has been loved. On a collective level it s the erosion of Society. Best wishes and thanks from Spain, Europe :)
I would like to add that a person with mental disorders can absolutely be from stable and loving families. I shouldn't need to say so, but it is, unfortunately, still a common misconception that a person with depression or other disorders must have had a difficult childhood.
I'm not so sure. On the other end, many people don't even stop and question the events of their childhood because they think only physical harm constitutes as abuse. Not to mention it threatens the relationship and image they have of their parents. They think they had it pretty good and the parents usually think so too. It's only when they take off the rose-colored glasses and stop making excuses for their parents as they probe a memory that they begin to realize something isn't quite right.
Children have a deep need to believe their parents are good. If there is a problem, the child would rather blame himself than find fault with mom or dad -- because if mom and dad are wrong, then there is no hope of a safe haven and the world becomes a truly scary and dangerous place. Instead he'll unconsciously mold himself to be "lovable" in order to fit in and survive. This requires him to bury his real feelings and this repressed state of being becomes his new normal.
I think depression and other disorders can absolutely come from loving families, but not emotionally stable ones. Just my observation. It unfortunately takes much more than love to raise a child.
USA.
Thank you for some of the clarifications on terminology. I wonder what’s become of these neglected babies. Having just had a baby it really breaks my heart. I can’t and don’t want to imagine anyone intentionally mistreating my baby.
I too grew up in a psychologically abusive environment. My parents were extremely neglectful. Leaving us, four kids, to raise each other. Sadly it impacted my youngest sibling the most.
I don’t know how mom kept it together in the first experiment. That would legit make me cry lol
Do not play poker with this woman
I remember as a child, dealing with self-soothing, overthinking in my head, talking to myself, because I never found a safe space to show sorrow or distress because my mother has always been anxious-type and my dad is emotionally closed. I cried alone, I wrote down my thoughts in notebooks. I was the safe space for my mother to vent her emotions and tears, since the time I must have been hardly 12 yr old. Till date, she expects me to play that role for her. And I feel awfully resentful towards her now. But she never understands all this damage. I never got any sort of emotional support from her. I now realize how it has impacted all my relationships, why I never had too much interest in play and making friends, live life with an open heart, have big ambitions to achieve big, because everything looked futile when there's lack of foundation love, support and care that I never got to feel emotionally fulfilled, empowered and secure.
Same!
That is how you dealt with it. To Others, a similar situation gives the hunger to achieve and the will to fight.
@@lauravergot9995don't minimise their experience like that. What a useless comment.
I relate so much, I could have written this comment myself.
Maybe you can send her one of these short videos. These are very good videos.🙏 = Codependent Parents Expect Children To Meet Their Needs - ua-cam.com/video/ihCWAUOsFdE/v-deo.html // Are You Your Parent’s Parent? - ua-cam.com/video/yufoE1k9ynM/v-deo.html // Emotionally Immature Parents (EIP) - ua-cam.com/video/BybBu-K4lxc/v-deo.html // When A Parent Can’t Self Regulate - ua-cam.com/video/qud7GTHFjU8/v-deo.html
Maybe one of the videos resonate with you.
Neglect, abuse, violent, bully, was all my childhood story, and yet to this day they never change, the hard part is to deal/accept that your family never love you as child.....
I'm having hard time to accept those reality as grown up adult, i need time to grieve the Narcs and Psycho's in my family.....
This was really informative video and I agree it is so important how parents interact with their children and how they ultimately develop into adults.
Thanks for this informative video. I’m 23 weeks pregnant and learning a lot !
This is so interesting to me! Sadly when I was a baby my incubator (mother) didnt really want me at all, she didnt find out she was pregnant with me until she was 6 months gone, heavy catholic family so they pretty much made her keep me, i wish they hadnt tbh. She couldnt bear to hold me, she went back to work when I was 2 weeks old because (in her words) "she couldnt bond with it"... I was an it basically to her, and because I didnt give her instant gratification and bond right away (because she wouldnt hold me) she got bored and annoyed with me fast. I still remember when I found out in college why my head was flat at the back and on the top, because I had been left in a crib way too much, was really sad to realise that tbh, I knew she was a weird creature but I didnt grasp just how neglected I had been as a baby til then 😔 After figuring that out I asked other family members for more details and they were weirdly happy to talk about it because they found it strange themselves. She is a proper narcissist and I think she is possibly autistic aswell but she is from a generation that didnt recognise things like autism and was just severely beaten as a child for any weird or "bad" behavior- its like she switched off as a kid emotionally tbh. She is the strangest human ive ever known or studied, she doesnt like being touched even by her kids, she is very robotic, hugely OCD, very selfish, and emotionally I got nothing from her sadly. It has affected me in many ways, I constantly worry im annoying to be around or a burden, I have difficulties bonding with people- I either attach too quickly because I just want love or I take a long time to attach and trust someone. As a child I was very angry, withdrawn, anxious, and was even a selective mute for a few years. As an adult I have been diagnosed with BPD, cptsd and adhd. It wasnt all down to my relationship with her (or lack of) there was trauma from other people too, I was sadly sexually abused by a family member, my father was a violent alcoholic so I partly grew up in pubs and was physically abused, these things obviously messed me up even more but me not having that emotional bond with her definitely has shaped who I became. Just shows you how much showing love is important- that from the minute a baby is born into this world they begin being shaped by all aspects of their environment even before they can even form proper memories, I find psychology fascinating in general especially child psychology 💜
Jesus can help you.
I hope you can continue learning and healing. You seem like you'd be a wonderful person to know. I hope someday you can use your knowledge to help others
@NighttimeDaydreams awwwwe thankyou so much for your kind hearted reply 🥹❤️ you seem like such a lovely person 🙏 I hope to help others in any way I can, even if its just to learn something off of or be a bit of a counsellor for someone who has went through their own trauma 🥰
@yukisanderson6907 I appreciate the sentiment, and I understand why people have and maybe even need faith at times, but I was brought up catholic against my wishes and honestly it kind of ruined religion for me 😅 I believe there's more than what we see with our eyes, I believe in energy, I believe even in karma at times, I believe Jesus was a person in history, but that is where my faith ends for now. Thankyou tho!
Babies will always be a great eye to all the things we are doing good or wrong... They are the best minds... You can see the fair, the happiness, the worrying, the excitement.... It's amazing to see this material thank you for your channel 💗
Glad you made this video, but i think your statement at end that you can deal with these issues is too simplistic, this type of early neglect is exceptionally complex and hard to resolve
I second that. It’s not easy to fix. And may take many decades to realize that there is even an issue.
I live in the USA, and I have a MSW from Gallaudet University the only university for the Deaf on earth. Most deaf children in the US are not provided sign language by parents and medical doctors urge them to not gesture or sign if they want to hear them learn to speak mama, which causes long term permanent damage to the person. 90% of deaf people in the US are born to hearing parents and 90% of them refuse to learn ASL ever to talk with them even if the child is going to an ASL program in kindergarten. This leads to lack of bonding and also often lower if not zero language skills developed, while it is shown if parents are even learning ASL the baby will acquire ASL as a first language and become bilingual and proficient in reading and writing in English in school equal to hearing readers. This however is not being promoted by medical professionals as it is not profitable and insurance does not cover families learning ASL, only cochlear implants which are $50, 000 a piece not including the hospital stay, and speech therapy. Even those who have a CI or HA are shown to be better off to be taught ASL as a first language and meet others in Deaf culture to know they are not defective anymore than a redhead or left handed person is defective, just a variation of the human race. Pathology is more profitable but damages society. The majority of American deaf and hard of hearing adults have hearing children, 90%, and they will be raised in poverty as their parents may be living on social security and house hopping nearly homeless. Their hearing children they have trauma of being not recognized as part of the Deaf Cultural Community by the hearing world and yet even doctors again will often force them to interpret for their parents, something that is not legal or ethical anymore but many adults have grown up scarred by. This is a cycle of trauma now in the hearing world that hearing people are not dealing with and have not done ANY studies upon.
I’m a CODA and agree with everything you wrote. One of my wishes in life is that all babies Deaf or hearing would be taught ASL through daycare/preschool to alleviate these issues. My Deaf mom and deaf dad were deprived of connection within their families and continued the emotional neglect cycle with me. They both have connected way more with my Deaf sister but I don’t hold it against her.
Watching from Japan, but Canadian. I was born prematurely and my twin died the day after we were born. I was incubated for the first 6 weeks of my life and like someone else who posted, not touched, except for medical exams. I grew up in an emotionally abusive environment (both parents had undiagnosed ADHD), so have always had issues with interpersonal relationships. I started taking anti-anxiety and anti-depressants 7 years ago and it made all the difference.
Did you get tested for adhd? It's mostly hereditary.
What does ADHD have to do w being Abusive?? 🤨
@@sweetcherry7759 when undiagnosed and untreated, parents don't even realize the harm they cause -- I have it also
@@sweetcherry7759I dont think that is what he meant. But have ADHD and autisim. I have never been abusive either. But i can tell he wasnt implying that. He was just saying that was on the list of things they had wrong with them.
As a premie my twin required more care with feeding in our first few months home so in the evening while my twin had to have more attention for feeding from my Mom and Memal, my Papa would come home from work every day and get in his big recliner and take a afternoon nap with me on his stomach. I know that created our unspoken closeness we had until he passed as he and I were always closer then he and my sister who really didn’t give too much attention to him besides the usual day to day stuff. While he told me all his stories,taught me how to shoot and gun safety and even specifically left me his own father’s service weapon (he made sure my grandmother knew it was to go to me and me alone). He is a person I have missed daily for 10 years almost 11 years and I know we created a bond in that few months before I was old enough to know that it was special but I’m thankful for. ❤
In 20 years the 'My parents always stared in their phone'-children are young adults.
This reminded me of a study I read about where they tested the effects of fear on mice, where they gave the mice a safe home, then introduced a cat into the room that would sit stalking the mice in their cage. The mice Hod & stopped playing as they were too frightened to come out of hiding to play. When the cat was removed, it took them awhile to play again, yet the study showed they never fully played as much or like they had before the traumatic experience of the cat scaring them into hiding.
As humans our basic needs are oxygen, water, food, shelter, & safety. When we are not getting our need of safety fulfilled, we are stressed out as well as any other creatures stressed out when they aren’t safe too.
It's just heartbreaking at the center of all things is love. It is essential to our development as well balance humans.
🙏🥰❤
The saddest film I ever saw was a silent film done by a psychologist or someone in the 1920s or 30s. ( Maybe it’s in this video but I cannot bear to watch it again) At first when brought to the institution/ orphanage the babies would reach for the caregivers attention but were ignored. When he came back several months later the same toddlers just sat there staring blankly. If I ever need to cry on demand I think of that film and it absolutely guts me. I can only pray that they had peaceful lives but I wish I was a time traveler to rescue them.
As a child advocate for kids removed from their homes for abuse and neglect, i can tell you this is so much more common than most people realize. The good thing is that if the parents'rights are terminated, babies and young kids usually are able to be "normal" within a short amount of time. I adopted my own kids from foster care amd they are perfect adults now. A little love goes a long way.
The mother and baby interaction in this video was quite a learning experience. Wow! Just glad my children had positive interactions with others when I took them shopping or at the park.
Watching this and reading comments by people who also bear professional or personal experiences makes me so happy we're putting in effort to end these generational curses and reframe our trauma from being a permanent condition to being something we can heal from. The power of our minds is amazing. Awareness is the best tool for improvement, and wanting to improve so our little ones don't suffer, too, is love in action at its finest. Thank you, all of you 🙏🏽
Made me cry tbh. I could never not engage with love and compassion with my two beautiful precious son's!
thank you for clarifying the anorexia bit! i got so confused when the narrator referred to a baby as "anorexic" lol
My gosh, I was born in 1965. Fascinating. I just want to note that people shouldn’t think their babies won’t remember crappy (or good) things that happen to them before age 3, because a lot of us can remember being very young. I remember being in my crib in a house we lived in from my age of 11 months until age 2 yrs. I can describe the interior and exterior of the house, our neighbour, the bedding and paint colours, and being in my crib and having a nightmare about giant teddy bears and getting out and going into my parents’ bedroom. I remember several times in my crib and where we moved to next. And these are not the only memories that are clear as a bell to me from before age 3. And the memories have all been validated as accurate by the adults I was around at those times. My mother, my late father and my paternal aunt can/could also do this, but not my younger brother for some reason. I have short term memory problems now, but the further back I go, the more solid and clear my memories are. And other than the angry teddy bears and getting poked in the eye with a cigarette by accident by a lady at a party when I was two, none of them are traumatic memories.
There's two ages where you have a lot of synaptic pruning around memory. One is around the age of 5 and you kind of forget most things that happen between the ages of 0-3. But obviously babies have memories! Like, my daughter is 10 months old and last week was crying when I used a new handheld vacuum cleaner. I turned it off, comforted her, and that was that. A few days later I brought it out again and she burst into tears. So even that small trauma stuck with her!
I’m going to ask probably the unpopular question……I’m so intrigued by what happens to a baby when parents do cry it out to sleep…..they say it doesn’t harm a baby but then there’s research like this….makes you think twice….
Agree wholeheartedly. Anyone that leaves a baby to cry... that's neglect.
There are research on that. It does affect their brain
I was born in 1952 at 2lbs 6oz. Thus, I was in an incubator for many weeks, damaging my eyesight. I very probably was not touched or interacted with. Since I was nearly blind, I could not distinguish faces at all. ALL my life, I have had prosopagnosia, also called "face blindness" I can only recognize people by their clothing or hairstyle or speech patterns.
Once, coming out of a supermarket, following along, we came to an unfamiliar automobile. "Daddy," I said "This is not our car." to which the man looked down and said "I'm not your Daddy!" They had to take me back in and find my parents! So yeah. Early infant experiences do affect later life.
Watching these videos has brought to my attention just how... complicated my childhood trauma really is.
This is also a great argument for paid parental leave!
As I was watching the children playing with the blocks it made me think about my life. I was in an unhappy romantic relationship. I was with someone I couldn’t depend on, who was inconsistent, who wasn’t there for me every time I needed it, and would lie to me. When I was in that relationship most of my thoughts while working, driving, etc would be about my relationship. Going over the lies. Going over all the things that have gone wrong. Thinking about things that upset me. Thinking about how things could get better. Etc etc. all of my energy was spent on that relationship. But now I’m in a happy one and my S/O is very good to me, very caring. I don’t have to put my full focus on our relationship all the time. I can think about my goals or whatever else.
I had post natal depression. This makes me want to cry about the hugs I didn't give my boy or all he missed out on during his time in the Royal children's NICU and during my time with PND.
I got help. Spent time in Werribee inpatient unit. So glad I got help.
But I bet I gave my baby still face. 😭😭😭😭😭
This is why I always smile at babies. I know it doesn’t do much, but I want them to see at least something positive. Usually they stare at my (brightly colored!) hair and I just let them look!
Hello from Scotland. Thank you for this eye opening video. It was very educational although I found it sad to see babies displaying anxiety and disinterest in play.
Child psych major here (UMN, 2017). One of the things that has stuck with me from watching the still face experiment was thinking about phones. Who is making any kind of expression when on a phone? No one.
Main reason I only use my phone when my daughter is asleep or playing solo (that took a couple years!)
Sometimes I get engrossed in an article but, immediately apologise, put phone away and play/interact with her.
You make an excellent point.
I’m horrified to see young children in pushchairs completely ignored when mother/ father is pushing them, and instead, is on their phone. Those children aren’t learning the names of things, colours, etc, and aren’t having their attention pointed to interesting things on the street. Social media etc is far more of a curse than a blessing, with regard to the young in particular.
This video is really enlightening! I now know why I am, the way I am. I am child number 5 and 6 which is later in the 1965 video.
OMG! Watching the baby getting upset and start to cry made me feel so Anxious. Not only that but I just wanted to make her feel better! 😢❤
You cannot give back what you never got...but for the grace and mercy of Jesus Christ
Hi Dr. Sly, I’m in Las Vegas! I’m a psychotherapist and the first time I saw the first video you played was in a training class, and it made me ball my eyes out. It is so sad to see the behavior changes in children so young. This is why I love what I do.
Hello from Latvia! Thank you for the valuable content you have been putting up. Your videos have been really helpful getting better understanding of mental struggles that some people I know are living day to day.
This is a really fascinating video. It sort of broke my heart tbh. Watching babies and seeing the clear differences when I’d been surrounded by childhood adversity my whole childhood. And to see that the things I’m unpacking now literally stem from that far back sometimes feels like an impossible climb. I appreciate these videos and the understanding they give me, and sometimes even a little grace with myself.
As a mama to a very goofy and expressive little boy, I don’t think I could keep a completely emotionless face, especially if he got upset ☹️♥️ I would obviously try my hardest for the experiment but gaaah it would be hard lol
I think everyone has things they want to do differently than their parents, but for a long time I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was that caused my phobia to ruin my relationship with my dad. Until I finally realised because of these child psychology videos that it was a total lack of respect for my boundaries and ignoring my cries for help. Videos like these have made it so much clearer how to be a better parent because it makes you aware of what exactly went wrong when it was previously just a feeling that something was wrong.
my mother emotionally neglected me growing up and still does. The only reason i wasn’t a completely drawn away baby was because of my grandmother and father. I’m on the autism spectrum and but i believe the majority of the reason i have such a difficult time with sorting my thoughts, feelings and emotions and trouble with relationships of all sorts is due to her
As a psychotherapist I really appreciate you, as a medical professional, giving light to mental health and attachment and childhood. Thanks. Viewing from California, USA
Great video!
One piece of constructive criticism, the disparity in audio volumes during the babies playing section had me holding my volume knob during that section to keep both you and the video audible but not too loud.
Keep up the great work!
My younger sister never wanted children. Unfortunately she has severe mental health issues and uses sex as a form of self harm. She also has strange beliefs about birth control. As a result she has had 5 children so far.
After the first one was born she began calling him an asshole and blaming him for things. A tiny baby. His father was also severely abusive to him and my sister. He is now 12 and is a rapist. He has to be institutionalized.
She tells people her baby (10 months) is a drama queen, and thinks she’s judging her. Her baby doesn’t smile, and only wants to be held constantly. I have tried to tell her nicely that her baby is not capable of being a drama queen or judging anyone.
It’s heartbreaking to see the problems all her children have as a result of her inability to be a healthy person. Thankfully some of the children are being raised primarily by other family members now and they are improving immensely in their behaviors and abilities.
It's been really hard to watch 'til the end. To see some of these children not knowing what happened to them...
I was in little flower orphanage since i was 3 months old, i was doing crimes by myself at 14 years old, i ended up in Rikers Island at 16 years old tried as an adult and went to prison. I wonder if zero needs being met in the orphanage has anything to do with me being diagnosed with primary psychopathy as an adult by 2 forensic psychiatrists.
I would like to find out what difference does it make in a baby when they get love but not from parents.
I watched these videos in my psychology classes. They were helpful for giving me an idea of how children respond as a result of adversity or abuse.
Hello Dr Syl! I also read the book "What Happened To You?" and as a mother I found it to be so interesting. Thank you for the video.
Thank you for the comment Melissa