If you want a relationship to last, one thing to understand is not to expect it to be 50/50 because you’ll each define 100% differently and that means you’re guaranteed to shortchange the relationship. Go in expecting more like 80% to be yours and just accept it. That will keep the resentment down on a lot of things. It’s worked for me; I’m about to hit my 40th anniversary.
what you said made more sense than Akana's reasoning that relationships should be 100/100 nonsense that she said two videos ago , people aren't perfect.
@@theawesomeman9821 i think she was referring to effort towards the relationship itself. Not that the individuals in the relationship have to be perfect. I mean she's acknowledged her own imperfections several times so I'm quite sure of her meaning. Plus why do something if you're not 100% interested or invested?
Step one: have a higher purpouse in life that you care about. Step two: self-help, self-growth, chase your best version. Step three: therapy. Boom: insecurities gone.
Many people think that "they are good themselves" but they are really terrible people. Your statement requires a lot of introspection and commonsense, both of which are rare.
That’s not true, relationships are about not being selfish and prioritizing your partner over yourself. You can be good for yourself without being in a relationship
@@canarsieprincess16 same most of my relationships end in 3 😭 i just made it 1yr with my current bf and im hoping we both put in the work to make it last
I think both partners should practice this, not only one person carrying the positive sentiment override in the relationship. Otherwise, it becomes a co-dependent relationship.
The worst of all is when you have the positive sentiment override and your partner has the negative sentiment override. If you were both NSO, it'd be obvious and agreeable to axe the relationship. When you're on different wavelengths, one is going to want to out, but the other will want to work it out. Spoiler alert: you can't work it out :(
This is exactly my mum and dad. My dad wants to make things work so badly, despite my mum’s best attempts to get far away. From my perspective, they’re very very different people, and not the “yin and yang” type of complementary different. They have very different beliefs. Everyone just wants my dad to move on, but he keeps picking at the open wound.
This happened to me with my last relationship. It hurt so much when I finally gave in and agreed with her to let it go. But that on and off type of dance, if you're the one who genuinely wants to work it out, it hurts so much. Left her, still hurts):
i think its also really important to communicate with your partner/ whoever youre seeing, how you deal with conflict!! For example, I need time to process and I would like to table the conversation for the next day but the person Im seeing would prefer to address it right away. We constantly were annoyed with each other because of these differences until we had this conversation about conflict resolution and came to a compromise!!
@@324173467 for the compromise, I would tell him immediately what the issue was and how I was feeling but not go into detail. It would literally be a sentence so he is not left in the dark about why I am upset. Then we both agree on a time, later in the day, that we can discuss it and until then, we would not talk about it!
I think the most “plain English” way to think of it is to “assume the best” in your partner. If something wasn’t meant to be offensive, don’t take it that way. But the problem is that this is a rational thing, while humans intuit things at the “lizard brain” level long before the rational level. Ultimately rationality doesn’t determine attraction, the lizard brain does. This is really the truth underlying the RP community, and even a lot of traditional religious teachings about how to form strong, stable, happy relationships. The good news is that knowing this is half the battle. If you can identify the lizard brain inputs and use the rational layer effectively, the lizard brain stuff can be moderated, and even reprogrammed to some degree over time. That takes consistent intentional effort. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy helps, too. Good luck and Godspeed to all reading this. Please know even in the midst of hard times that you are loved, you matter, and you have a purpose in this glorious creation! 🤗
Luckily most of the time I know when I'm being emotional and irrational. Couples also need to learn how to address those situations even if it mean reassuring your partner multiple times.
as someone who has always had positive sentiment override for a partner long before knowing what it was, it's nice to see that explained. However that alone cannot make a relationship work if you're the only one who has it. As with many things, "takes two to tango" is still as true as ever.
just having the bisexual realisation that i have a positive sentiment override towards women and a negative sentiment override towards men. makes a lot of sense when looking at my relationships with men - romantic, platonic & familial alike 😳
I think the root cause for relationships with family, friends, or partner or all of them is due to unhealthy relationship with yourself. Unfortunately, I think this may be the true reason why relationships, and marriages fall apart. Because one they're not meeting their partners needs, they're not doing shadow work and healing anything unconscious which must be released, not creating healthy relationships with themselves, and unhealthy relationships with people who are in their life or not which creating healthy, and strong boundaries are crucial to be in healthy relationships. Creating healthy relationships with yourself will take patience in order to project the same kind of relationship with family, friends, or partner.
John Gottman is an interesting researcher. With all research, there are nuances and each situation is contextualised. From a theoretical standpoint, Gottman’s work holds true to statical evidence from the people that were selected to participate in the study. Gottman is fantastic and extremely knowledgable in his field. However, the field of study is narrow and doesn’t take much into consideration outside of particular cultural settings that are researched through Gottman’s lens. In layman’s terms - the culture, sex and socioeconomic features of a persons life, directly impacts their communication style. I believe Gottman is correct when it comes to cultivating theoretical mindsets but we’re still only scratching the surface of how to communicative effectively.
This being valid even for all non romantic, non abusive relationships is so awesome, in short if the relationship isn't abusive and the person is worthy of your love, then use Positive Sentiment Override for having a happier and healthier relationship.
It also means that you may be subject to abusive relationships. I don’t know you, so I won’t presume anything. The key is _really_ to have both HEALTHY and LASTING relationships. Good luck 👍
I'm so happy to have achieved feeling these concepts as intuitive at age 30. My last relationship was amazing for its entirety of 2 years. Can't wait to make my next girl as happy as she can be (and hopefully a wife).
The world needs more people describing their past relationships as amazing instead of "failures" for ending at all. Maybe relationships are not about the "forever" but instead about enjoying the good times and learning and growing from the bad times
I tend to think that we shouldn't choose someone only because we like their good qualities but also because their weaknesses are compatible with ours and ones that we think we'll be able to live with in the long term.
Easiest way to make this all work - compromise. When partners learn to BOTH compromise fairly - it addresses positive reinforcement override as well as handling all the unresolved issues.
0:58 This one really gets me. Not only incapable of finishing the food you put on your plate, but also incapable of either feeding said food to someone else or at least packaging it up for leftovers. And if it's so little food that it isn't justified to put away...then why not rinse it off? Also people who just set trash down next to a full trashcan. It's like they've never heard of flies or just don't care about them landing on their eyelids in their sleep. My line is drawn once bugs start becoming a problem. If you want to put off cleaning up a cluttered desk I totally understand, but open food just lying around is not only disgustingly unclean, it's also a disgusting waste and a sad display of decadence.
Okay this has come in a moment where i couldn't understand this and it's quite useful, even if i've never been in a relationship and at this rate never will. But ehy, i'll keep preparing myself to love the person i will love at the best that i can.
your relationship advice and dating skits are one the few i genuinely love and enjoy on youtube and find truly useful. thank you for this. stay awesome! :D
agreed that positive vs negative sentiment override and make-or-break a relationship. in past, i was generally positive and assumed the best with my partner (usually out of insecurity that i didn't deserve better and should be happy and adapt to whoever i'm with). but i would receive negativity for the smallest things e.g. i quipped a joke, "my love for you is like diarrhea; i can't hold it in". this joke got me a two hour yell-fest about how it's disgusting and dirty, 'i can't believe you're comparing us to diarrhea!' anyway, i'm happily engaged now and my fiance's the absolute best. four years together and strong. i feel supported and loved. we have disagreements but at the end of the day, we love each other and i feel that from her. :) thanks, anna, for bringing to light. it really illuminated a lot of my past relationships and why they failed.
Having given up the idea of marriage as a bad idea, for the longest time I was surprised other people around me still wanted to get married. And then I figured out that it all boils down to two things: percentage of HOPE in the heart and DESIRE in the mind. I guess there is also another factor - 'parental/societal pressure' - but for some modern couples that doesn't seem to be a major consideration. That said, love your videos!
Assuming the positive was one of the hard things I had to adapt myself to doing again after escaping an abusive marriage. It took a lot of work in therapy, work I intentionally approached as that I needed to learn how to, so much as it's possible, leave that baggage behind. I recognize it will always be part of me but it does not have to define me. My second marriage is going so much better in no small part because of doing that work on myself in the years between
"Sentiment Override", aka Confirmation Bias. You interpret the available evidence so that it supports the beliefs you already have. I've had some negative sentiment override. I was taught that by my parents. But I would say that I'm working to change that to the positive.
i think you should be able to be each other's best friend at the same time so it's not only romance and sex but also a very deep friendship that evolved into being each other's family 😌
Sounds a lot like attribution theory/ mis attribution. Couples on the rocks often attribute all the mistakes and wrong doings of their partner to their personality/ character, while attributing all the good things they do to the situation/ circumstance. While happy couples attribute all the good acts and positive things their partner does to their personality/ character, and all the bad things they do to the situation/ circumstances.
Wow, I’m impressed. I’ve been watching your videos for years, I think most people would agree your content is improving greatly. Your videos have helped improve the quality of my life greatly, I’m now on a quest to fix my bad programming, and seek healthy relationships. Thank you so much for being the catalyst for my self improvement, I hope you don’t mind I’m going to steal some of your confidence, and courage :-)
Yes to everything you said, but primarily both people have to want to be/stay married, want to communicate, and want to work through the good and the bad. When it's only 1 side that wants to do it, then end it now. Speaking from personal experience...
Each gives to the other without limits and appreciates the same. Recognizing the some days that will be more, and some days that will be less. That's how We've made it so long my wife and I. I think the fact that she doesn't over think things and perseverate like so many of my ex's had. She doesn't judge where she should be and where she is in comparison with her friends. She's where she is with me and I with her. And together we're moving forward. My mom said it best about she and my father (married 61 years and childhood sweethearts). "I knew I wasn't getting much. I was getting him. And we would make our lives together. That's all I wanted was him. Not a rock. Not a house. Not a name. Not things. Those were what WE would decide on." Most people's expectations screw up their lives. Just live it. Together.
If you want to make a marriage work, i highly recommend reading: Making marriage simple by Harville Hendrix. This book explained the way we romantically relate to each other and how to manage the issues that come up sooo well!
@@1120TaylorLautner Any issues :) It helps communicate things that don't feel good in your relationship in a loving way and in a way that encourages and guides you to go to the rootcauses of the issue together and grow in a way that makes the connection stronger. So this way when one of you feels uncomfortable about anything, you can both embrace it to grow and find solutions together. It has a therapy like guide for how to get to a space of connection instrad of arguing. Like when you would see a therapist. The autors have been family therapist for all their lives (guess like 30 or 40 years or so).
I think it has a lot less to do with the relationship itself, rather just the people in them. If there is next to no insecurity on any of the sides, it makes it really easy to be honest without the fear of hurting each other, and figure out disagreements without resorting to any passive aggressive bs.
Having some insecurity (or other needs) sometimes is basic universal human nature. It's unrealistically idealistic to think you can ever have a long term relationship that's based on both people just not having any personal difficulties. Anna ia right, it's how you cope with/respond to difficulties that matters most. Searching for a partner who's perfectly secure now and forever is just a recipe for never settling for any real person.
@@sivzzz3008 Oh gosh I didn't even notice how old it was haha. Right on, thanks for the wholesome reply! And I def remember past-me thinking some of the same things myself lol, that's probably why I felt so compelled to be like NNOOOO
Honestly yeah - its very hard to tell when problems are actually abuse. That's the issue with this advice. I don't think there should be an override of either side - reason is a good evaluator of relationships, while the quantity of emotions on each side are the ones to be evaluated. The biggest issues I've had in relationships aren't with cleaning up issues or tardiness issues - they're with whether you feel emotionally heard, valued and validated. The sentence i repeat to myself to avoid both kinds of override is the following: Good intentions don't justify bad behaviour, they contextualize it. This works for ALL relationships, not just romantic ones, and it helps not get caught up in either intention or behavior.
She said that that advice didn't apply to abusive relationships in the disclaimer, but I understand it can be difficult to tell if your partner is abusive or not and I'm sorry you went through that. 😞
3:18 I feel like if my partner ever said that to me I'd burst out laughing as I did just now, and then we'd say "i love yous" and resolve whatever the issue was
Thing with this ideology that I struggle with is that it is basically tricking yourself into committing. Like I'm not saying someone should be without problems or whatever because that's completely unrealistic but it feels like PSO is another way of saying "just ignore the problem its fine" which I don't agree with. Obviously it depends on the person but I feel like PSO sets a dangerous precendent and allows toxic behaviour to manifest itself as opposed to trying to play whack a mole with issues as they arise. Some problems may not ever disappear but i feel like just letting them stay there and blaming it on an "off day" isn't healthy.
Ahh yeah, finally i thought i was the only one, no hate tho towards anything i just felt the override thing is kinda more like falling blind to red flags, plus the person doesnt have to be abusive per se, the relationship could not be working out and this theory kinda reinforces to be blind to it or be in denial. Just my take tho
OMG! So true! I was in a relationship I expected the worse in them. It didn’t last at all. But then I was in a relationship prior to that one, I overlooked all red flags.
Just a penny for thought but an unwashed dish going into the dishwasher is fine as long as the owner runs hot water in the kitchen sink/faucet first before starting up the dishwasher as the dishwasher is usually hooked up to the kitchen sink/faucet and uses the same line of water. Thereby dishwasher will use hot water during the prewash phase. Hope this helps for busy ppl
maybe this pursuit of affection is consuming too much of our time... maybe the fanciful notion of love needs a dose of intellectual honesty if anyone is going to find it... maybe pathologizing every choice we've made is a more likely path to psychosis than sanity...
*Life partnering* is a weird concept... you're born solo, then expected to legally partner with someone for life: Share finances & intimacy, *create humans with each other's DNA* and raise them to adulthood. *Weeeird*
it's easy to oversimplify it like that, believe me I used to subscribe to that belief system, that marriage is irrational and unjustified. but it's not like marriage is this new tiktok micro-trend that came out of nowhere, with no purpose or reason behind it. throughout history there were reasons for it, reasons incompatable with our modern society, but also reasons and benefits that are still appliable and beneficial for us now (watch why get married_ by school of life). it's a dangerous game to discard ancient traditions (ex. marriage) for the sole purpose of being old, and a faulty reasoning to assume every new modern tradition is a healthy one (ex. hookup culture). to make it short, we are multi faceted, with capacities untapped we not yet know, each new situation you put yourself through (moving to a new country, marriage, having a child) pushs you over what you thought you are capable of, and you grow deeper as a result. if you live youre life the same for the rest of your life, never move out of your hometown, always choose the safest and easiest choice (marriage is significantly more difficult), never seek anything valuable, with only hookups as your sexual satisfaction, well you'll end up a 40 something man/woman with the mind and reasoning of a frat boy or an emo kid. that's all, thank you for joining in to my very long ted talk with the sole purpose of procrastinating sleep .^.
We aren’t born solo, we’re born with parents. Imo, having a partner and caring for each other is similar to parent-child relationships. But you’re both children and parents. Partnership is similar to having stable parents who love and care for you somewhat unconditionally. Stable parenthood with solid parent-child connection often leads to solid partnerships if both partners are stable, and the opposite is true too. Idk what to say about finances or babies, but I think forming stable bonds with people is very important. I find value on focusing majority of my relationship energy on my one life partner and repairing my mom and my’s relationship. We aren’t married, so finances are separate and we’re in college lol so babies are not on our minds atm. Tbh my partnership is just the way it is for me like we aren’t even exclusive (it’s not unimportant tho, we’ve known each other for 13 years), we just don’t really value anyone as much as we do each other. They’ve had other sexual relationships and so have I, but we’ve been “life partners” for 3 years (we have fallen out sometimes, but came back to each other). We’re definitely “life partners” tho not like a couple.
interesting, I have always been a positive override person all my life but found myself usually surrounded by negative override people. it all makes more sense now that I can put it into words
A reminder that higher divorce rates should not be automatically seen as a negative. It is good to leave a situation that is holding you back, an abusive situation, a toxic relationship. People used to feel stuck due to the stigma surrounding divorce and separation.
My wife and I have been married for 26 years. We’ve had some really terrible times, i but we almost always knew that they’d pass. And they always have. We’ve had some truly great times to. If we hadn’t thought that we’d always love each other no matter what, and that our marriage is always the most important thing to us, I’m not sure that we would still be together. The terrible times were pretty terrible.. But we’re always working towards the good times.
Seasoned divorce lawyer here. Just my two cents. Stay single. You can still have terrific intimate relationships without bringing state law into your finances and private affairs. Follow your passions. Do the things that bring you joy. Live your very best life.
If you want a relationship to last, one thing to understand is not to expect it to be 50/50 because you’ll each define 100% differently and that means you’re guaranteed to shortchange the relationship. Go in expecting more like 80% to be yours and just accept it. That will keep the resentment down on a lot of things. It’s worked for me; I’m about to hit my 40th anniversary.
Congrats!
that is amazing !!
what you said made more sense than Akana's reasoning that relationships should be 100/100 nonsense that she said two videos ago , people aren't perfect.
Congrats
@@theawesomeman9821 i think she was referring to effort towards the relationship itself. Not that the individuals in the relationship have to be perfect. I mean she's acknowledged her own imperfections several times so I'm quite sure of her meaning. Plus why do something if you're not 100% interested or invested?
It's hard when insecurities make it easy to assume people will give up on you...
this is why self love must always be there
Step one: have a higher purpouse in life that you care about.
Step two: self-help, self-growth, chase your best version.
Step three: therapy.
Boom: insecurities gone.
It is harder when people simply give you up, reinforcing the insecurity..
Specially people you trusted wouldn’t give you up :)))
@@LammaDrama 😔 You can say that again...
@@LammaDrama it definitely is harder and all the best on your healing journey friend
Relationships are important to prioritize after your done making sure you are good yourself.
THIS. LOUDER.
Make sure that the back hears it loud and clear
How do i make sure tho?
Many people think that "they are good themselves" but they are really terrible people.
Your statement requires a lot of introspection and commonsense, both of which are rare.
That’s not true, relationships are about not being selfish and prioritizing your partner over yourself. You can be good for yourself without being in a relationship
Reading that 2.5 years is the breaking point of many relationships makes me want to fight so hard for mine
Just make sure your not the only one fighting for the relationship & that you aren't fighting your partner to keep them
Hi! I just want to share. Pray about it. All out pray your worries. You'll be more guided on what to do next. 👍
2.5 years is accurate. That is my longest relationship
@@canarsieprincess16 same most of my relationships end in 3 😭 i just made it 1yr with my current bf and im hoping we both put in the work to make it last
how are you guys doing now its 3 years? lol
I think both partners should practice this, not only one person carrying the positive sentiment override in the relationship. Otherwise, it becomes a co-dependent relationship.
check in with the fresh and fit podcast
One more factor that's really important in a relationship: finding a person.
True😭😂
Even harder is finding a decent person that's interested in having a relationship with you.
😂
Ahahahha she got me when she leaned in for a kiss and they both screamed. That's so relatable
oh ANNA WAS READY and I live for Melissa's scream(I hope that's her name I get confused between the twins)
She did not lean in… she grabbed her
The worst of all is when you have the positive sentiment override and your partner has the negative sentiment override. If you were both NSO, it'd be obvious and agreeable to axe the relationship. When you're on different wavelengths, one is going to want to out, but the other will want to work it out. Spoiler alert: you can't work it out :(
This is exactly my mum and dad. My dad wants to make things work so badly, despite my mum’s best attempts to get far away. From my perspective, they’re very very different people, and not the “yin and yang” type of complementary different. They have very different beliefs. Everyone just wants my dad to move on, but he keeps picking at the open wound.
For real
This happened to me with my last relationship. It hurt so much when I finally gave in and agreed with her to let it go. But that on and off type of dance, if you're the one who genuinely wants to work it out, it hurts so much. Left her, still hurts):
Yup
@@jememe5209 Can you give an example of very different beliefs?
The ego is the destroyer of most relationships🙏🌺🌿
The lack of trust also.
*_Gurudra, is this a second channel of yours?_*
*_Cool!_*
🙂
hey, can you elaborate on that? I feel like my ego gets in the way of me in my relationship
i think its also really important to communicate with your partner/ whoever youre seeing, how you deal with conflict!! For example, I need time to process and I would like to table the conversation for the next day but the person Im seeing would prefer to address it right away. We constantly were annoyed with each other because of these differences until we had this conversation about conflict resolution and came to a compromise!!
What was the compromise?
Interesting dillema
@@324173467 The compromise was to probably to end the relationship.
@@324173467 for the compromise, I would tell him immediately what the issue was and how I was feeling but not go into detail. It would literally be a sentence so he is not left in the dark about why I am upset. Then we both agree on a time, later in the day, that we can discuss it and until then, we would not talk about it!
I think the most “plain English” way to think of it is to “assume the best” in your partner. If something wasn’t meant to be offensive, don’t take it that way. But the problem is that this is a rational thing, while humans intuit things at the “lizard brain” level long before the rational level. Ultimately rationality doesn’t determine attraction, the lizard brain does.
This is really the truth underlying the RP community, and even a lot of traditional religious teachings about how to form strong, stable, happy relationships.
The good news is that knowing this is half the battle. If you can identify the lizard brain inputs and use the rational layer effectively, the lizard brain stuff can be moderated, and even reprogrammed to some degree over time. That takes consistent intentional effort. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy helps, too.
Good luck and Godspeed to all reading this. Please know even in the midst of hard times that you are loved, you matter, and you have a purpose in this glorious creation! 🤗
Luckily most of the time I know when I'm being emotional and irrational. Couples also need to learn how to address those situations even if it mean reassuring your partner multiple times.
GAGAGAGAGAGA!!! I want to cut my toenails... NEVER! I am the feet UA-camr. Thanks for being a fan, dear jp
Emily Nagoski calls it Unconditional Positive Regard and I found her explanation easier to grasp.
as someone who has always had positive sentiment override for a partner long before knowing what it was, it's nice to see that explained. However that alone cannot make a relationship work if you're the only one who has it. As with many things, "takes two to tango" is still as true as ever.
My partner and I acknowledge we aren't perfect but we encourage each other to grow as people and love each other through that process.
emotional intimacy is how relationships stand the test of time ✨
just having the bisexual realisation that i have a positive sentiment override towards women and a negative sentiment override towards men. makes a lot of sense when looking at my relationships with men - romantic, platonic & familial alike 😳
Uh oh. Dis me. 😳
Get it together
zen- Interestingly, proudly bigoted.
@@m2pozad not really. Maybe they've just had bad luck with their relationships with men.
@@hollybartlett7017 Luck is gender neutral. Gender bias is not.
I think the root cause for relationships with family, friends, or partner or all of them is due to unhealthy relationship with yourself. Unfortunately, I think this may be the true reason why relationships, and marriages fall apart. Because one they're not meeting their partners needs, they're not doing shadow work and healing anything unconscious which must be released, not creating healthy relationships with themselves, and unhealthy relationships with people who are in their life or not which creating healthy, and strong boundaries are crucial to be in healthy relationships.
Creating healthy relationships with yourself will take patience in order to project the same kind of relationship with family, friends, or partner.
Can Anna start putting her fit in the description?? Always on POINT. Get those affiliate links.
Yes! Don’t be shy, share that sweater link lol
John Gottman is an interesting researcher. With all research, there are nuances and each situation is contextualised. From a theoretical standpoint, Gottman’s work holds true to statical evidence from the people that were selected to participate in the study. Gottman is fantastic and extremely knowledgable in his field. However, the field of study is narrow and doesn’t take much into consideration outside of particular cultural settings that are researched through Gottman’s lens. In layman’s terms - the culture, sex and socioeconomic features of a persons life, directly impacts their communication style. I believe Gottman is correct when it comes to cultivating theoretical mindsets but we’re still only scratching the surface of how to communicative effectively.
@@echillykahlil thank you so much for your input!
@@haleemahx I agree! I'll keep it in mind. So, thank you!!
It's our 22 year anniversary tomorrow. Please do more long-term couple stuff. I loved this.....well, I love everything you do :)
This being valid even for all non romantic, non abusive relationships is so awesome, in short if the relationship isn't abusive and the person is worthy of your love, then use Positive Sentiment Override for having a happier and healthier relationship.
Me watching this while being single knowing will stay single.
My entire personality is constantly in “positive sentiment override” so I guess I’m born to have long lasting relationships xD
Have you had them?
It also means that you may be subject to abusive relationships. I don’t know you, so I won’t presume anything.
The key is _really_ to have both HEALTHY and LASTING relationships. Good luck 👍
@@jamesdragonforce same here, i have a PSO personality. But I'm worried i my sincerity and concern may be abused in some relationships 😔
@@purpledoodle06 Well at least you’re aware. Take care.
@@jamesdragonforce YES
I'm so happy to have achieved feeling these concepts as intuitive at age 30. My last relationship was amazing for its entirety of 2 years. Can't wait to make my next girl as happy as she can be (and hopefully a wife).
The world needs more people describing their past relationships as amazing instead of "failures" for ending at all.
Maybe relationships are not about the "forever" but instead about enjoying the good times and learning and growing from the bad times
the surgery skit in the hospital with the relationship "dying" was pure gold 😂
Oh my goodness, Anna your humor is something and impersonating as a psychic is hilarious.
2:08 - love the hand acting for "9.3%", and the "you got...you got google in there" lines. really solid comedic work
I tend to think that we shouldn't choose someone only because we like their good qualities but also because their weaknesses are compatible with ours and ones that we think we'll be able to live with in the long term.
Easiest way to make this all work - compromise. When partners learn to BOTH compromise fairly - it addresses positive reinforcement override as well as handling all the unresolved issues.
Choosing a partner is choosing a problem 😬🥺
0:58 This one really gets me. Not only incapable of finishing the food you put on your plate, but also incapable of either feeding said food to someone else or at least packaging it up for leftovers. And if it's so little food that it isn't justified to put away...then why not rinse it off? Also people who just set trash down next to a full trashcan. It's like they've never heard of flies or just don't care about them landing on their eyelids in their sleep. My line is drawn once bugs start becoming a problem. If you want to put off cleaning up a cluttered desk I totally understand, but open food just lying around is not only disgustingly unclean, it's also a disgusting waste and a sad display of decadence.
Okay this has come in a moment where i couldn't understand this and it's quite useful, even if i've never been in a relationship and at this rate never will. But ehy, i'll keep preparing myself to love the person i will love at the best that i can.
your relationship advice and dating skits are one the few i genuinely love and enjoy on youtube and find truly useful. thank you for this. stay awesome! :D
A loooooot of people in abusive relationships do this without knowing they’re in abusive relationships
agreed that positive vs negative sentiment override and make-or-break a relationship. in past, i was generally positive and assumed the best with my partner (usually out of insecurity that i didn't deserve better and should be happy and adapt to whoever i'm with). but i would receive negativity for the smallest things e.g. i quipped a joke, "my love for you is like diarrhea; i can't hold it in". this joke got me a two hour yell-fest about how it's disgusting and dirty, 'i can't believe you're comparing us to diarrhea!'
anyway, i'm happily engaged now and my fiance's the absolute best. four years together and strong. i feel supported and loved. we have disagreements but at the end of the day, we love each other and i feel that from her. :)
thanks, anna, for bringing to light. it really illuminated a lot of my past relationships and why they failed.
Having given up the idea of marriage as a bad idea, for the longest time I was surprised other people around me still wanted to get married. And then I figured out that it all boils down to two things: percentage of HOPE in the heart and DESIRE in the mind. I guess there is also another factor - 'parental/societal pressure' - but for some modern couples that doesn't seem to be a major consideration.
That said, love your videos!
I'm so glad she didn't say "the one thing you need is self-love! Just love yourself more! You cant love someone else if you cant love yourself!"
That's relationships level 1 lol
That explains so much.
You anna do a fantastic job of distilling down the information.
Assuming the positive was one of the hard things I had to adapt myself to doing again after escaping an abusive marriage. It took a lot of work in therapy, work I intentionally approached as that I needed to learn how to, so much as it's possible, leave that baggage behind. I recognize it will always be part of me but it does not have to define me.
My second marriage is going so much better in no small part because of doing that work on myself in the years between
"Sentiment Override", aka Confirmation Bias. You interpret the available evidence so that it supports the beliefs you already have.
I've had some negative sentiment override. I was taught that by my parents. But I would say that I'm working to change that to the positive.
i think you should be able to be each other's best friend at the same time so it's not only romance and sex but also a very deep friendship that evolved into being each other's family 😌
true! marriage is the deepest and most beautiful form of friendship.
i hope i get to be in it someday, a healthy fulfilling marriage.
Sounds a lot like attribution theory/ mis attribution.
Couples on the rocks often attribute all the mistakes and wrong doings of their partner to their personality/ character, while attributing all the good things they do to the situation/ circumstance.
While happy couples attribute all the good acts and positive things their partner does to their personality/ character, and all the bad things they do to the situation/ circumstances.
1:06 When you went for the kiss and Melissa turned and screamed, I really felt that 😂🤣🤣😂
Wow, I’m impressed. I’ve been watching your videos for years, I think most people would agree your content is improving greatly. Your videos have helped improve the quality of my life greatly, I’m now on a quest to fix my bad programming, and seek healthy relationships. Thank you so much for being the catalyst for my self improvement, I hope you don’t mind I’m going to steal some of your confidence, and courage :-)
Relationships don't break on their own, we damage them
By our lies mostly , lying to others , lying to ourselves.
@@netshaman9918 by our behaviour and negativity as well
Yes to everything you said, but primarily both people have to want to be/stay married, want to communicate, and want to work through the good and the bad. When it's only 1 side that wants to do it, then end it now. Speaking from personal experience...
I guess that’s the part where Anna saves our love lifes. Thank you Anna 💕
0:34 I just came out here to have a good time and I feel so attacked right now 😭
That aside, the dresses, THE DRESSES !!! You look so beautiful
Anna's therapist n relationship coach are the real content creators of Anna's channel
"choosing a partner is choosing a set of problems"
OH MY GOD HOW PIN POINTEDLY ACCURATE
There will always be some sort of problem in a relationship... You just have to talk it out with your partner... Communication is the key.
Each gives to the other without limits and appreciates the same. Recognizing the some days that will be more, and some days that will be less. That's how We've made it so long my wife and I.
I think the fact that she doesn't over think things and perseverate like so many of my ex's had. She doesn't judge where she should be and where she is in comparison with her friends. She's where she is with me and I with her. And together we're moving forward.
My mom said it best about she and my father (married 61 years and childhood sweethearts).
"I knew I wasn't getting much. I was getting him. And we would make our lives together. That's all I wanted was him. Not a rock. Not a house. Not a name. Not things. Those were what WE would decide on."
Most people's expectations screw up their lives. Just live it. Together.
“I do” to those set of problems 🥰😂
I've been watching your channel for so long & you still always surprise me with new, insightful bits. Thank you!
If you want to make a marriage work, i highly recommend reading: Making marriage simple by Harville Hendrix.
This book explained the way we romantically relate to each other and how to manage the issues that come up sooo well!
can you say more about this? what kinds of issues?
@@1120TaylorLautner Any issues :) It helps communicate things that don't feel good in your relationship in a loving way and in a way that encourages and guides you to go to the rootcauses of the issue together and grow in a way that makes the connection stronger. So this way when one of you feels uncomfortable about anything, you can both embrace it to grow and find solutions together.
It has a therapy like guide for how to get to a space of connection instrad of arguing. Like when you would see a therapist. The autors have been family therapist for all their lives (guess like 30 or 40 years or so).
“… your partner is ha-hot stuff…” really got me. It really is just these little incidental moments that make life worth living~
Honesty, communication, and compromise. all you need.
I love this content and knowing the meaning behind what happens in a relationship its critical. I know want to look for in my next relationship.
Anna thank u for explaining this in a way no one can!!! you are amazing and soooo creative ❤️❤️❤️❤️
I think it has a lot less to do with the relationship itself, rather just the people in them. If there is next to no insecurity on any of the sides, it makes it really easy to be honest without the fear of hurting each other, and figure out disagreements without resorting to any passive aggressive bs.
Having some insecurity (or other needs) sometimes is basic universal human nature. It's unrealistically idealistic to think you can ever have a long term relationship that's based on both people just not having any personal difficulties. Anna ia right, it's how you cope with/respond to difficulties that matters most. Searching for a partner who's perfectly secure now and forever is just a recipe for never settling for any real person.
@@ItsAsparageese yeah I totally do not remember this comment and I dont agree with myself lol. So yeah I think you are pretty spot on
@@sivzzz3008 Oh gosh I didn't even notice how old it was haha. Right on, thanks for the wholesome reply! And I def remember past-me thinking some of the same things myself lol, that's probably why I felt so compelled to be like NNOOOO
I honestly can't tell if relationships I have been in are toxic or verbally abusive or if I am just not good at relationships
i did all the positive emotion override stuff with an emotionally abusive partner and look where that got me
Honestly yeah - its very hard to tell when problems are actually abuse. That's the issue with this advice. I don't think there should be an override of either side - reason is a good evaluator of relationships, while the quantity of emotions on each side are the ones to be evaluated. The biggest issues I've had in relationships aren't with cleaning up issues or tardiness issues - they're with whether you feel emotionally heard, valued and validated.
The sentence i repeat to myself to avoid both kinds of override is the following:
Good intentions don't justify bad behaviour, they contextualize it.
This works for ALL relationships, not just romantic ones, and it helps not get caught up in either intention or behavior.
She said that that advice didn't apply to abusive relationships in the disclaimer, but I understand it can be difficult to tell if your partner is abusive or not and I'm sorry you went through that. 😞
Can we PLEASE talk about Annas dress at 0:22 ?!?!?!? GODDESS!
3:18 I feel like if my partner ever said that to me I'd burst out laughing as I did just now, and then we'd say "i love yous" and resolve whatever the issue was
"Dance of the sugar plum fairy" was a really good choice as theme song for this topic.
Respect is the most important thing to make it work
Thing with this ideology that I struggle with is that it is basically tricking yourself into committing.
Like I'm not saying someone should be without problems or whatever because that's completely unrealistic but it feels like PSO is another way of saying "just ignore the problem its fine" which I don't agree with. Obviously it depends on the person but I feel like PSO sets a dangerous precendent and allows toxic behaviour to manifest itself as opposed to trying to play whack a mole with issues as they arise.
Some problems may not ever disappear but i feel like just letting them stay there and blaming it on an "off day" isn't healthy.
So basically, the secret to a healthy relationship is being irrational and reinforcing your bias.
Ahh yeah, finally i thought i was the only one, no hate tho towards anything i just felt the override thing is kinda more like falling blind to red flags, plus the person doesnt have to be abusive per se, the relationship could not be working out and this theory kinda reinforces to be blind to it or be in denial. Just my take tho
That "marry me" at the end should be illegal. My heart stopped
The quality of these videos is so good and she has such a great personality. Appreciate the content Anna!
Surprisingly enough I'm in a place where I needed some self reflection and this actually helped with part of my break up giving me some closer on that
i thought i might not like this one, but im glad i watched it, thanks anna
me taking notes for my future relationship 📝📝
Definitely the most accurate description out there. Great job 👏
I've always been fascinated by Gottman's findings. Great elaboration! Thank you.
Thank you Anna. You're simply awesome.
OMG! So true! I was in a relationship I expected the worse in them. It didn’t last at all. But then I was in a relationship prior to that one, I overlooked all red flags.
I appreciate you and your team’s effort and time in creating such quality content. Love the humour tooo!
Ya. Everyone has flawwwws. It’s up to you what you will accept, tolerate, and let in your life.
Just a penny for thought but an unwashed dish going into the dishwasher is fine as long as the owner runs hot water in the kitchen sink/faucet first before starting up the dishwasher as the dishwasher is usually hooked up to the kitchen sink/faucet and uses the same line of water. Thereby dishwasher will use hot water during the prewash phase. Hope this helps for busy ppl
Girl, I needed to hear this today. Thank you so much for the nuggets of wisdom. Your videos impact my life in a very positive way.
Also similar to what Alain de Botton says- that love = being charitable to another person’s behavior. Within reason of course.
No relationship can survive contempt; it cannot be repaired or undone...ever.
Wait-2.5 years is a typical ending point? And here I was, thinking that was something specific to me lmao
maybe this pursuit of affection is consuming too much of our time... maybe the fanciful notion of love needs a dose of intellectual honesty if anyone is going to find it... maybe pathologizing every choice we've made is a more likely path to psychosis than sanity...
*Life partnering* is a weird concept... you're born solo, then expected to legally partner with someone for life: Share finances & intimacy, *create humans with each other's DNA* and raise them to adulthood. *Weeeird*
Ahaha
it's easy to oversimplify it like that, believe me I used to subscribe to that belief system, that marriage is irrational and unjustified.
but it's not like marriage is this new tiktok micro-trend that came out of nowhere, with no purpose or reason behind it.
throughout history there were reasons for it, reasons incompatable with our modern society, but also reasons and benefits that are still appliable and beneficial for us now (watch why get married_ by school of life).
it's a dangerous game to discard ancient traditions (ex. marriage) for the sole purpose of being old, and a faulty reasoning to assume every new modern tradition is a healthy one (ex. hookup culture).
to make it short, we are multi faceted, with capacities untapped we not yet know, each new situation you put yourself through (moving to a new country, marriage, having a child) pushs you over what you thought you are capable of, and you grow deeper as a result.
if you live youre life the same for the rest of your life, never move out of your hometown, always choose the safest and easiest choice (marriage is significantly more difficult), never seek anything valuable, with only hookups as your sexual satisfaction, well you'll end up a 40 something man/woman with the mind and reasoning of a frat boy or an emo kid.
that's all, thank you for joining in to my very long ted talk with the sole purpose of procrastinating sleep .^.
We aren’t born solo, we’re born with parents. Imo, having a partner and caring for each other is similar to parent-child relationships. But you’re both children and parents. Partnership is similar to having stable parents who love and care for you somewhat unconditionally. Stable parenthood with solid parent-child connection often leads to solid partnerships if both partners are stable, and the opposite is true too. Idk what to say about finances or babies, but I think forming stable bonds with people is very important. I find value on focusing majority of my relationship energy on my one life partner and repairing my mom and my’s relationship. We aren’t married, so finances are separate and we’re in college lol so babies are not on our minds atm. Tbh my partnership is just the way it is for me like we aren’t even exclusive (it’s not unimportant tho, we’ve known each other for 13 years), we just don’t really value anyone as much as we do each other. They’ve had other sexual relationships and so have I, but we’ve been “life partners” for 3 years (we have fallen out sometimes, but came back to each other). We’re definitely “life partners” tho not like a couple.
@@boozy638 I recommend reading "Sex at Dawn", if you want to understand more about the origins of marriage as an institution.
why does that sound like something ace folk say ironically to their friends to make them stop being a**holes about said asexuality?
Great wonderful delivery! 💗
Thank you for this. You're saving lives. Grateful to you.
Greetings from Germany, watched you since the beginning and also could improve my english!
You should do some home design episodes! I always love the decor!
interesting, I have always been a positive override person all my life but found myself usually surrounded by negative override people. it all makes more sense now that I can put it into words
A reminder that higher divorce rates should not be automatically seen as a negative. It is good to leave a situation that is holding you back, an abusive situation, a toxic relationship. People used to feel stuck due to the stigma surrounding divorce and separation.
My wife and I have been married for 26 years. We’ve had some really terrible times, i but we almost always knew that they’d pass. And they always have. We’ve had some truly great times to. If we hadn’t thought that we’d always love each other no matter what, and that our marriage is always the most important thing to us, I’m not sure that we would still be together. The terrible times were pretty terrible.. But we’re always working towards the good times.
I want you to know you make my days so much better!
This episode was possibly my fav!
Respect is the most important.
All of this can also be applied to one's relationship with oneself
3:59 nice
Real talk with Anna Akana. So true
Seasoned divorce lawyer here. Just my two cents. Stay single. You can still have terrific intimate relationships without bringing state law into your finances and private affairs. Follow your passions. Do the things that bring you joy. Live your very best life.
Wisdom uber alles 🙌🏼
Why get married in the first place?
yasss
Very timely comment! Thanks, Jonathan! I'm so happy my life partner's views and mine got validated.
Yeah but the tax benefits and health insurance tho 😭
ah, I was just yearning for your wisdom