Be a Lonely Introvert or a Depressed Failure of an Extrovert?
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- Опубліковано 15 лип 2024
- Answering a question from a viewer who is trying to be more social and meeting rejection and failure: should he just give up and embrace being a lonely introvert?
Watch "Introvert Advice" Playlist: • Advice for Introverts
#introvert #loneliness #LonelyIintrovert
I rarely feel Lonely when I'm Alone, but frequently feel Lonely around People.
This.
Bro that's literally me
Honestly same bro
First time?
Lest wedding I went to... I went outside and almost cried... because of that same feeling.
I'm too introverted to even leave a comment on youtube
🤔 😂
Congrats on stepping out of your comfort zone! 😅👍🏼
@TNmtn Morning 🤣🤣🤣
Same xD
you did
“I think loneliness is more desirable than feeling unwanted.”
On my birthday last week, I texted my roommate and said, “being alone all the time sucks but it’s better than feeling like a loser around people.”
But, I still crave meaningful relationships and connections. Opening up is just very uncomfortable and scary.
Happy Belated Birthday!!
happy belated birthday :)
Yesss to this
Happy belated birthday!
Mine would be "being alone at home better than being lonely with crowds"
Like, being told to go to parties just to hear boring small talks all the time rather than enjoy. The most embarrassed thing is, when you finally voice out something useful, people just ignore and continue as if you don't exist even if you right in front of their faces.
My extroverted friend told me (introvert): "If you ever got into solitary confinement, you'd be the only one who stays sane, because you can be all by yourself without immediately feeling bored. It's like a superpower."
I used to think this would be true, but then when lockdown hit I found out that it wasn't true at all.
@@nice2nettles for me lockdown could go on forever, I wouldn’t mind
Too bad I don't have anything to do and I want to see my friends after... years.
"What do you want?" is one of the hardest questions to answer for some reason.
I think the problem is that what we want, what we need and what we think we need are mixed up.
Absolutely correct, both of you...:/
Really why
Because we don't know what we want. And "want for what?" What do I want out of life? For my birthday? Long term? Short term? Out of my job? My career? My marriage? For my kids? Like... can you be more specific?
So true though
Using introversion to cover fear, very good point. Busted.
Social anxiety has most definitely clouded my understanding of my own introversion. I make excuses all the time.
Survival Strategies for Introverts (from a fellow INFJ):
1. Give yourself the option to opt out, say no or leave.
If you know you can only be at a party for an hour before getting drained, then make the most of that hour then go!
2. Set achievable goals.
Make social interaction into a game by setting up "quests", like learning at least 3 people’s names, sharing at least one of your interests in a conversation, smiling at the store clerk, etc.
3. Offer to help.
Volunteer to put yourself in a situation where you are contributing to the group dynamic in some way. At a party, you can offer to serve drinks, help the host with cleanup, be the designated driver, etc. Even if you’re not ‘talking’ you can still contribute.
4. Boost yourself with positive emotions before social interaction.
Do something that gets you in a good mood first. Watch a funny video, do 10 pushups, pet your dog, whatever works Once you’re in a good mood other people will feed off of that as well.
5. Practice smiling so it comes naturally. You can make someone's day by just offering your smile. And it's a good way to make a good first impression.
I love how practical and achievable this advice is. I remember at the annual Christmas party of my parent's friend, my mom, an introvert, would always be cornered by someone needing a shoulder to cry on. Now I realize that this was actually easier for my mother to deal with than standing around with so many people and not speaking herself. She helped contribute to the group dynamic by cheering up the sad person (always an appropriate thing to do at a party!) and was able to feel more comfortable in a one on one conversation. Thank you, Jericho Fulgencio! I know for certain how well your advice works.
Another trick I learned, is asking people questions about themselves. At first, we may feel nosy, or uncertain what to ask, but the questions never have to be profound or too personal to get the conversation started (those questions can come later if you both feel comfortable). Depending on the situation, you can ask, "How was your weekend?" or "Where did you grow up?" or even "That is an interesting t'shirt. What does that symbol mean?" So many conversations and even friendships can start from just these 3 questions if both of you are willing to share. And if that other person isn't interested in sharing, or it turns out that you don't have much to talk about, you will know right away, and can move on.
🙏🏼🌹🙏🏽
Excellent suggestions :)
#4 is so genius! I never thought about that, but it would help so much!
Would we put pressure on extrovert ppl to be more introverted? No. So why feel bad if your introverted? I want peace, growth within, and only deep meaningful relationship's, I dont allow myself to feel bad or pressured anymore to be what I'm not, be true to you always, I just dont care to waste energy on meaningless shallow relitionships Infp life lol
Exactly, society doesn't value introverts like it does extroverts. Personally, I love being introverted and having the freedom to fully be myself. Like FJ said, that's different than being shy or having social anxiety. Luckily, my social anxiety has melted away as I've gotten older. I have a few people I'm close with, and that's all I really need
It's not the quantity, it's ths QUALITY of your relationships that make social interaction the best for you.
Extroverts get the most out of life by being with others.
For some of us, the best way to be ourselves is to be BY ourselves.
I hear you, fellow infp. The way I look at it is the world would truly lose a lot if there were no introverts, no deeper introspection going on. A lot of our artists, writers and musicians are I types. In a world that does value extroversion so much, we need to remember that aspect too. I don't mind being an introvert at all. It's the social anxiety on top that I hate and have really had to actively work on to get under control. But it is possible. Does it ever truly go away? I'd debate that. But one can certain learn to harness it with work.
Melanie Eilidh yes I agree 100 percent my problem too is I seem to always get taken advantage of by friends I’ve had in the past bc I always want to help but a lot of times it’s been at the expense of cutting myself short on resources or my precious energy bc I’m a empath and get exhausted off of everyone’s energy so I have to have space to recharge lol
Yet we are all wired to be attracted by signs of happiness and friendliness, generally. Which is why someone smiling and energetic and can make most people smile and laugh is valued more than someone who seems lifeless and possibly unhappy. Human interaction makes people happy
I went to a party recently and I was physically surrounded by people on both sides of me. Eventually, the groups on each side broke off to have their own conversations, and I found myself left out of both. The people closest to me on each side literally had their backs towards me, so I was closed off either way. This happens to me in so many different settings, no matter how hard I try to interject myself. I know it’s not the responsibility of others to make sure I am included, so I make sure I’m present, involved, and active. Somehow, despite all that it still seems to get out of my own hands because I am literally always on the outside looking in.
I feel very differently from most people on this and it is something that changed in me with time. I am simply not responsible for others action or social graces. You literally could be with some people, let's say group A clings to their school associations, group B has polo in common or work projects, they have chosen the easy path of grouping to similarity and maybe harping on some past line of involvement. A good host offers those odd introductions, Mimi is also a trader, tennis player etc, loves baking, whatever..etc. It's called getting the ball rolling. Hosts are not always good at this. 2nd. There are conversation hogs, look around ,do you see some eye rolls. You aren't the only one wishing they'd move on. Do you see the one who was a brought along?, doesn't know anybody. I find this Intriguing, ask them a question. Who are they?, It's like Discovery channel eh. Then check in with yourself, it is a beautiful room, flowers and great food. The canopy of arranged fruit, ah, take it in like a Buddha, you are o.k., it is not war. The social people need to hone their supposed social skills. 😃
This literally just happend to me. I'm sorry.
Take improv classes? I'm sorry to hear about your struggles. Hang in there
There's a beauty in just plainly observing other people.
I totally relate to your comment here. Many times in social interactions, I feel either "ignored" or "invisible." But you're right! It's not their responsibility; it's mine to include myself. So hard, but true.
“It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.” Krishnamurti
My new favorite quote! Thank you AF. 💟☮️🌎
My sentiments exacataly
my feelings exactly!
I love ❤️ this quote bc it is so true.
Hello, Joe here... Thanks man
You admit to being insecure?You are more powerful than you think ❤️
I’ve found that the older I get, the more I embrace my introversion. I really only want to spend time with a select few people at a time. Maybe that is because we have even lower energy levels so we want to spend it more effectively. It might also be because our Ti function is more developed and we can rationalize what we need and aren’t so worried what others think.
Thanks 😊
Yes I think your right. If you just accept who you are whether your extrovert or introvert that is the key to confidence. You can't force yourself to be a certain way. Acceptance is the key to your personal freedom. Bryant Chambers, you tuber said that. Like a motivational coach.
It is the second comment of you, I read today and I really like what you say and how you say it. (I just wanted to let you know - and I don't know, if that is a bit awkward, it is just meant in a nice way.)
@@wolkemena aww thanks 😊
This comment section is so wholesome and good, I'm just lost for words
If I want to be more social and really talk, i feel like I am unvalued and ignored. Because everytime I talk I always get cut off so I end up not suggesting or sharing my ideas or stories. So I always choose to be alone rather go to parties every fridays with low self esteem drunk people. Lol
"...if your dominant cognitive function is introverted intuition, you tend to spend a lot of time in your inner world and make sense of information by using your intuition. Introverted intuitives can often feel like they don’t quite fit in with the world around them. This may be because our current society values the material world so highly and is suspicious of anything that cannot be seen, recorded and measured.
Our society also seems to value extroverts over introverts. In a culture of celebrity, getting noticed is very highly valued. Often, the carefully considered contributions of introverts are overlooked.
Our current society is unbalanced because we fail to appreciate all types of personality. It is similar to the way ‘masculine’ traits have been valued over ‘feminine’ traits in our patriarchal society. "
Also found these useful, for if you are highly sensitive too: "Your gifts of sensitivity include deep reflection and an instinct to see all angles and consequences. But by being so deeply tuned in to details, you’re easily overwhelmed and exhausted by unyielding stimulation. And when you don’t understand why you feel and behave in the ways you do, it’s easy to frame these as flaws.
An HSP is a person, who comprise about a fifth of the population, having the innate trait of high psychological sensitivity and may process sensory data much more deeply and thoroughly due to a biological difference in their nervous systems."
p.s. drunk ppl can be fun on occasion, I'm headed there tonight probably. Though with music; there always has to be music.
ha ha low self esteem drunk people is right
@@zain4019 Besides the fact It's almost Superbowl Sunday, I like masculine traits of strength, determination, social ease, straightforwardness, goofy humour, protectiveness, endurance, heroic action in emergencies, sexiness. To me these are qualities but in all men and women somewhere. Of course even the terms are ? Questionable but translate well in current language. Toxic masculinity is another matter entirely as in toxic femininity but the word toxic is extremely overused. People are people. I think all the traits I just said are masculine are also feminine like that Sally Field movie, movies, only in women they call it Moxie. Cue Lou Grant telling Mary Tyler Moore," you got spunk...I hate Spunk!"
i forced myself to act like an extrovert for like a year. A whole year of going to parties and forcing myself to talk with everyone. Eventually i started having panic attacks everytime i had to go out for a social gathering and severe anxiety when going to school. It's been hard accepting who i really am when all my life i've been taught that being social and speaking loudly is better than being the weirdo who stays in the corner.
Your videos have helped me a lot to understand myself better, thank you so much
Yes we have so much to learn about ourselves. Now you know better who you are. I’m at that panic attacks phase now, having tried to be an extrovert for 10 months. I have no regret but dang it’s getting real confusing having anxiety over everything
I really try not to look at it as "rejection", so much as, "they haven't accepted me yet".... You gotta give people some time and a chance to meet you more than once (not always doable) but letting life be more long term and less immediately gratifying can help you to keep plugging at it . I went out tonight and so often I'm so weird. I go alone and then I try to enjoy the music, have some drinks, just enjoy myself until the time I do finally make a nice connection with someone. It is hard though, to make new friends.
I'm still waiting to meet another introvert out, I always think, "where's someone else who seems out of place too?" Days are hard when you're the only one. But there's no choice, really... We do NEED it and will be healthier, happier people when we get connected. It's worth fighting for. Just try not to expect too much from one night , and when you do have a night that goes better , you'll enjoy it even more
Wow I kinda admire you for going to parties alone and chatting up strangers!
I'm an extrovert but suffer from social anxiety, I wanna go parties sooo badly but til now I was too scared to go. It's terrifying to go alone but I don't really know anybody in University well enough to ask them to join. If I make a fool of myself there, people are gonna remember it cause I'm gonna be in their class for years...
It takes me a “positive self talk” conversation to start the car. And deep breath, getting home. Being “out there” ... is a win for me. As I examine how it went, I try to be kind to myself. Introverts. Damn.... Thanks man. Will this ever get easier, or pleasurable?.... doubt it.🤣😏👍🏼
right? sometimes just getting out of bed I have to dangle some sort of mental carrot to motivate myself.
It is a relief for me to listen to this and read the comments, because I have struggled with exactly these issues all my life, and I am 56. My conclusion: humans are social animals and we want/need to be liked/loved. As INFJ outsiders, this is a challenge, UNTIL YOU MEET THE RIGHT PEOPLE!! You will, I have. My friends, which I can count on one hand, are INFJs, INFPs, ENFPs. Find these people, these are your natural friends.
Driving is huge anxiety for me too! About the time I turned 50 I looked back on my days and realized my biggest issues have been managing my anxiety and depression. I spend my day finding safe places to be to avoid triggers. I became self-employed because of my difficulty finding the right job. I can only work in beautiful places, like the museum, or a good looking mall. I get depressed by offhand things I may see, like a garish billboard, or an upset child is a big trigger for me. So I appreciate your struggles.
Lonely? I don't understand it. I get that society down talks solitude, but solitude is pure gold IMO. Need to fill your heart up? Meditate/pray. Chill with animals. Get out in nature and appreciate the beauty of the earth. I don't get why people need people so much, yet I believe it has to do with inaccurate perceptions. Energetically we are all connected and if you're sensitive you will feel others easily. I feel others so profoundly that solitude gives me time away from that. Maybe work to knock down the walls that humans are encouraged to build around themselves, so you can feel others more easily, and you won't feel so alone?
interesting point there
I disagree. We need social support. It may feel good to be alone but humans are a social species, as are most primates. Not trying to say i view my friends solely for the utility they provide but we need others to have our backs, and for us to have others backs. Some of us get great satisfaction out of being there for others but if you have no friends how are you going to do that? Having a social circle doesnt take away from your ability to love the world in solitude.
Feeling others' energy is no subsitute for social interaction. You are taking away ppls agency if you think you know them profoundly just from vibing them from afar. You need interaction, no matter how sensitive or enlightened you are. Sorry. Theres a reason depression is on the rise and its bc modern society has become hyperindividualistic. We are not living in communities anymore.
Yeah meeeeeen!
Ya, I can just say I feel people strongly too, but I feel really lonely. It has to do with if others feel as you do, or understand you/appreciate you.
But I'm willing to bet each personality type views relationships differently and has different levels of need for them.
But I love Kelly's comments. "Vibing from afar" 🤣 that's like all I do. But we need to be vulnerable to others and have them be vulnerable to us. That's real relationship
Failure fam checking in.
xD
Lmao nice comment
in the middle of your explaining of understanding what you really want, the spice girls came on in my mind "SO TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT WHAT YOU REALLY REALLY WANT"
kellie _ and me!! 😂
Same. And was it in your head the rest of the afternoon? Lol
Melanie Eilidh lol, it is now you wrote that!
@@Julia-LArt Oops. Sorry. Lol
Melanie Eilidh lol, it's ok!
This is so true about how it only takes one success to make it worth it. I tried and failed for roughly 8 years to make even one close friend. Being homeschooled didn’t help. Then finally last year in February, I reached out to my now boyfriend in a Facebook message. I was afraid the whole time it wouldn’t pan out, as always. I really liked him haha. But now we’ve been together 10 months, and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. Through him I’ve made a few new close friends, and many new acquaintances. I have so many new connections with people, and have even gotten freelance work through his contacts as well. All it took was taking a chance once...and the many many failures before. But to me, those are a distant memory now.
Love this, thanks for sharing!
Well done young lady!! Check out my comments above. Find the INFJs, INFPs and ENFPs. I hate to admit it too, but when I do connect with people, it feels fabulous, as comfortable as I am being introverted and spending, sometimes days at a time, alone, when I connect with a group of people it can be the best day of the year.
Haha I know right😂 I feel like I got over it by now tho...but I guess it should be noted that none of the people I hang out with now were homeschooled soooo
[Finally first?]
I’ve discovered that being a teacher while being an introvert is...taxing. So I save all my extroverted energy for my students and just have to constantly remind myself throughout the day that it isn’t forever and I’ll be back home with my cats and tv very soon.
And then there’s weekends like this one, where I legitimately take a day off work on Friday because I know I have to be extroverted alllllll day on a Saturday. Yeesh. Walking up to a guy and getting his number? Psssh. Would have to take an extra day off for that level of chutzpah. 🙃
"reason for absence: approached a stranger yesterday"
Frank James bahahahaha
This is so meeee @Destiny
I'm a teacher too. I love teaching and preparing lessons but the social side of it, all those energies and stimuli are draining me.. especially my shallow and bully colleagues who I just can't connect with. So I'm thinking about doing something else.. maybe become a librarian or something in that direction.. The older I get the more peace I need, no room for drama. I still want to help people tho, that's something else (INFP here). And also the financial income part.. I don't have any family so I have to hustle and suffer until the end of time I guess:( Please ignore all the spelling mistakes, I'm from Germany
@@Apricot90 I'm INFP too , and your desire to want to help people related to me too much. When you say you have to suffer till the end of time, I feel like maybe you should find something that you enjoy just as much- because I know I would never be able to wake up again if my job didn't give me purpose. It scares me to think that all those years of life could be wasted on job which requires you to sell your soul.
I went off topic but hope you have good luck with your decision :))
Dear, I have to comment about this, thou' I haven't finish the video yet. Being an introvert and out in public, such as a stadium concert etc will cause anxiety because it is in the brain chemical activity. An extrovert gets feeling of satisfying in such a place, while introvert gets stress and anxiety. It is not what you WANT to be or feel but how your brain works. I am 100% introvert and struggling with it through my hole life. I'm in my early 40's now. When I was in my 20's and early 30's I was so depressed and wanted to change myself, why I'm like this, why I don't just mingle in with people and why it's so stressing to be with people. Then it hit me when I was about 35+++, oh, I'm an introvert. And now when I'm allowing myself to be one, it's so much easier. Being around with people all the time gets me angry and stressed, I need a lot of my own time. But an introvert can be the light of the party, if it's right type of party with right type of people. I am a poet and an artist and I do perform and I'm sometimes the light of the party, but it's never easy and I am stressed out before any performance. My advice is, just to let you be as you are. If you are an introvert, be introvert. It's also rare but possible to be both: introvert/extrovert, could you be one of those?
Happy Friday, Frank.
You’re so right about introversion sometimes being coupled with fear. Facing your fears helps you get outside of your comfort zone for sure.
I realized when I was in a relationship it was easy to count on the other person to be my designated plus one. I didn’t have to do the work of growing socially because I had my person already.
Now I have to retrain my brain a bit to get used to being alone. It doesn’t have to equal feeling lonely. Just accept it and be at ease.
When I go out, chances are a stranger will strike up a conversation and we’ll have a common interest or they’ll notice me wince as I try to recall the name of a football player in order to form some semblance of a response to a sports related question.
Either way, I’ll live to tell the tale and I’ll be that much better at communicating. Every outing, every conversation is worth it. It’s a learning experience and will connect me with the world outside of my head...I think I just wrote a motivational post to myself. Oops. Lol.
Loved this topic. Thank you.
TNmtn Morning Thank you! 😁
I recommend to us in this situation: do things like volunteer, go to events that interest you, join meetup groups, or get out in some way. That way you can encounter ppl or at least push out of your comfort zone.
Everyone feels socially awkward and lonely to some degree. I used to think i was the only one. When youre feeling weird around others just play it cool, dont point it out. Finding ways to manage anxiety in general will help for social anxiety.
Dont get discouraged. And its valid to want to be more social, even with these other loners saying we should accept being lonely for the rest of our lives. Us shys are just as deserving of love as the carismatics.
Kelly Lyons I absolutely agree with this. I think it is healthy for most people to have some form of social interaction. Particularly if you are inclined to isolate yourself. And it gets easier with practice.
@@andraste6746 practice makes perfect definitely! Its like picking up any other skill. Some really bad things have happened to me when i isolated too much.
I would definitely call myself an extroverted introvert. I do enjoy alone time but also crave being social. For me, I've found that the more strangers you meet and talk to the easier things get. My career is a professional makeup artist and I still get anxiety sometimes meeting new people, however it has gotten a lot easier over the years (it kind of takes "practice"). I tend to match people's energies so if I meet someone who is very extroverted, I most likely will be too and vice versa.
Sara Wilhelm yeah weirdly I’m an infj and I’m pretty talkative to most strangers (unless my intuition says no) but a few family members I’m close to, but I’m more quiet and guarded among family than random people, I wonder why 🤔
I love how your titles are soul crushing, then in the video you give us hope 😆 what an emotional rollercoaster ✔
Love the lava lamp.
me too
I think lots of us infj's have pushed narcissism into our shadows, because we have perceived it as a negative trait although the healthy kind of nacissism is beneficial for us. Because we have pushed it into our shadows, we come across as shy and socially awkward. This also explains why we fall for narcissists, because we are attracted to what we don't possess and have put into our shadows a long time ago.
Ive thought about this before! I think ive had more than my fair share of narcs. In the process maybe ive mixed up extroverting/simply expressing yourself/being open for narcish behavior. Or i tell myself they wont care to hear what id say. Always afraid of being that annoying loudmouth cocky braggy a-hole
In a way there is no hiding from being labeled a narcissist by others. Introversion is literally being into one's own world which can be seen as apathetic, self-centered and arrogant by others. Your shadow is only hidden from you. It is not hidden to others. It is very interesting that one's beliefs about what narcissism is and how it is portrayed just leads them down the path of exhibiting the other side of the narcissistic coin. We are all narcissists trapped in our own worlds. The art of being a kind narcissist is life long balancing act.
1. Every success represents 99 (more or less) failures
2. You can never win or lose if you don't run the race
3. Practice really does make perfect.
I think it helps to know exactly why you want to be more social, for me it's usually to go out to hopefully make some new close friends, build on existing friendships or find to someone I'd like to date. Without those goals in mind it's too hard for me to be generally social for no real reason.
I’m growing far too comfortable staying in while friends go
out. It is a sense of fear, definitely, I do struggle with social anxiety to
the point I forget how to walk when in public. Struggled with my mental health
for a time there and that had a lot to do with it too, a lack of confidence,
but I do thoroughly enjoy my bed days, binging on youtube. But it can feel too
safe, I guess.
Just discovered your channel, man. Still doing a lot of reflecting; don’t know if
I’m INFJ or INTJ. Either way, I find socialising extremely exhausting,
especially meet-n-greet and customer facing job roles (which I still currently do). I want to find a job with work I can just crack on with independently and have enough energy after to
enjoy my own time, to hang with friends more often and attend events. Feel like
my time is spent recovering, recharging. There comes the cycle of 'staying in'.
“The more failures you get the more successful you’ll get” is something that struck a cord with me. This is a view that more people should become aware of-that for mostly everyone, even those who appear to just magically make lots of friends or have charisma-they’ve faced a ton of failure and hardships too, but they kept pushing-that’s what makes them admirable. I’m an introvert that always wants to make friends, but the few times I try to put my best face to someone and it’s a failure, it does make me retract. But this video really put me in a optimistic light. Thanks for that.
Damn that productivity.. i haven't watched the video yet but you're posting like never before!
thanks Jo
I understand the distinction you're making between fear and introversion, but I don't think it's that clear-cut. I am an introvert, therefore social situations are frightening to me because they are painful. The two are intertwined, to my way of thinking. Having said that, I agree with your overall message that we should all question our motives when we choose not to attempt something outside our comfort zone and not fall back on introversion as an excuse all the time.
that is a good point that introversion can cause specific fears
My issue with this is I know plenty of introverts who don't mind social situations. They love meeting people, going to parties, and what have you. The thing is, they just get drained a lot faster than an extrovert would. I think the fear of social settings comes from either shyness or anxiety. There are also other introverts who just don't care about the need to fit in, so they don't go to those kinds of events.
I can see the argument being made that there's an uncomfortable aspect, especially if you're already drained, but I think if you have a fear of it, that's coming from anxiety and/or shyness.
@@TheDolphinflipper You're correct, of course, in pointing out that there are different types of introverts, an "introvert spectrum." And this supports Frank's take, not mine. I suppose that when making my comment I was projecting myself into the definition of "introvert" and forgetting that we're not all clones. My bad. :)
@@batjon1963 fair enough. I think I'm definitely coming to terms with the fact that introversion doesn't mean shy and anxious, because I definitely fall into that category. But I've meant so many sociable introverts, I'm realizing I'm just a shy and anxious person haha.
@@TheDolphinflipper You and me both. Aint life grand! :D
I really appreciated this 🙏 I’m an INFP with some social anxiety and I want to pursue a job in counseling (and low-key be as confident at speaking as FJ), but things like confrontation and assertiveness don’t come naturally to me. That being said, it’s important to not limit yourself based on your own personality traits or who you perceive yourself to be...because there’s always room for self-improvement and growth. 🤗❤️
I'm an introvert that scores higher in Initiating (MBTI Step 2 test). I can initiate contact if I'm interested in doing so. I worked in sales etc. I met my kid's father by initiating first contact. Just keep trying and try not to take it too personally. Don't put so much value in another person's response and get self critical. Don't base your value by someone else's value of you. When I was younger, I took rejection harder. Then I realized not everything is about me. It's more about them. Maybe some social skills can be built by trial and error. What works on one person may not work on another tho. I don't think bars are the best place to meet people especially for introverts. Find places of unique interests and find people mutually interested in same thing where you can start a one on one conversation. Join community groups, volunteer, local city online communities etc. If anxiety interferes a lot, see a therapist. Just introduce yourself by name and ask how they are or what they like to do etc. Don't need a cheesy pickup line. But if you can have a sense of humor and laugh at self, that's good.
Baseball analogy was best part of this video. You're right. Home run or strike out. They strike out way more than they hit.
Fear and anxiety plays a huge part I believe in many people. It is one thing to not want to socialize that much, its another thing to be afraid and have difficulties. Take for example Bukowski. He just didnt care nor wanted to spend time around people. Knowing are limitations is key to being able to work on things. For me its important to get over ones fears. I.e " i dont feel like socializing so i wont right now" thats freedom. Youre free to do as you feel. Whilst " i want to go out there but i am afraid" kind of feels like one is i a cage and is afraid to do what they want. I say conquer your fears to gain freedom, accept your introversion!
Great video as usual Frank!🍀
This video really encouraged me today with some of my current struggles. It's not so much about social anxiety for me as it is performance anxiety. SE kind of stuff like my new Jiu Jitsu class where I feel very uncoordinated and clumsy most times. Thank you for your thoughtful words and encouragement.
I want friends, but making friends is so hard for me.
Love the way your space is coming together! Very chill 😎
thanks!
Hearing this in such a structured way helped me to understand this a little bit more, thank you!!
I'm an extrovert with social anxiety so it's pretty much the same situation for me. I've dealt with a ton of loneliness during my first semester in college, but at the same time I could barely go to the dorm/community kitchen without either knowing nobody was there or convincing myself to go for 30+minutes. It was/is hell cause there are so many things I want to do WITH PEOPLE. One semester in I finally made a friend there, it's the best feeling after feeling alone for so long!
Corona helped with the loneliness cause I live with my family again, meet up with highschool friends (moved in with one of them for 1 1/2 months, absolutely loved it) and go to work so there's social interaction but in places where I don't get anxious. The problem is, this way I'm not facing it, I'm running away. It's a time-out but just because I don't feel it atm doesn't mean it isn't gonna be right back when I go back to uni
I'm gonna keep trying tho, I'll answer these questions and continue to try to get better
Yes, sometimes I want to be more social - but I won't do it if I feel fragile - it all depends on how strong I feel, whether or not I will put myself out.
this is so wonderful. i love how you broke it down. thank you!
Yo I've realized that a common theme in my life is trying to balance knowing my limits and limiting myself and this is a big thing for me
I like this video a lot and commend you, Frank, for trying to help people with this. It was very hard for me as well and remains so. But as you get older, you do find someone and make friends (with a lot of effort) and if they end up being extroverted friends (which most of mine have been over my lifetime,) you end up finding you don't have enough in common to really satisfy you as a real "true" friend. So it's not the end-all - meeting people and trying to socialize and be extraverted even if you aren't by nature. You do need to meet people in life to have some happiness but as you get a little older and wiser, you realize what you thought you wanted in your early years is not really what you want in the end. You become happy with what you have and who you are over time, I think, and learn to love to being the introvert more and more as the years go by
I've been studying my past to better understand myself in the present and for a while I seriously wondered if I had actually been an extrovert as a child since I was pretty social when I was little to the point that, if there was people, I had to be there. Things changed in grade school when, suddenly, I was deemed not friend material by the other kids and I spent all my free time studying how they interacted and learning to copy what I thought would be appealing to a potential friend. I was so drained by the time I got home that I just locked myself upstairs and watched cartoons for the next several hours to destress. It's something I still do even to this day. During this new era of self discovery, I've questioned if my introversion was natural or learned but I've since excepted that it is definitely natural. My social life is much better now and I could be spending time with a lot of people if I wanted too but I feel better in the dark, focusing on expanding my hobbies and my inner self. Though I do force myself to get out to safely socialize every sunday with my best friend (who I'm pretty sure is also an introvert). We just hang at his place, eat junk food and watch cartoons. It does both of us a lot of good.
I have discovered that as an INFJ I seem to be the perfect AirBNB Host. I quickly connect with my guests, because of empathy. Hosting is a great antidote to my loneliness. However, I don’t have to expend the tremendous energy long term to be understood and avoid rejection .
I really appreciated this video. I've seen other people talk themselves out of what want they, and couldn't put the words to it. After watching this, I can also see how much I was as well. Thanks FJ, I'ma go do a thing.
This is an excellent topic, very insightful. Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability.
I needed this. Thank you so much!
Thanks for addressing the social anxiety and fear as something I can accept, I'm starting to feel more comfortable in my skin, I'm binge watching your videos, greatly appreciated dudester and very well articulated 💪🤘👌🖒❤
Exactly what I needed today :)
Thank you really appreciate your effort for the profound explanation, you have changed my mindset fr.
I think you're on the right track. Pushing past a comfort zone in whatever area of life, it must be aligned to a deeper goal. Otherwise you're just making yourself uncomfortable for no reason. For me, I had to acquire a lot of leadership skills to keep my job. But it's a job I do truly love. It's never comfortable to grow. But I had to for my livelihood and career. Ultimately I grew.
Even though some ladies say I'm an ENFJ I still think of myself as a social introvert. What I've learned is that most times I've reached out to a person I'm very interested in, they are excited to talk about themselves and what they do. I must have been very, very lucky. Or, *most people are nice if you're nice first.*
In terms of excuses...a buddy or accountability system really helps. Every time I tried to tell my trumpet teacher why I wouldn't be able to practice more than an hour or two per day it just sounded ridiculous. I decided to stop putting myself in situations where I would say such ridiculous things, and just practice. It's been a good week in that way. Have a great weekend FJ!
Hey Frank! Thanks so much for sharing this with us.... I´m also an INFJ and i realized it thanks to you!! I´m going thru a very hard metal depression right now... So this definately saved my day :)
Love from your girl
i am rarely lonely tho… being an introvert is a gift. we dont need a person to make us happy. lol
"Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better" - Samuel Beckett
Being a (false) extrovert is so difficult. I have such a hard time getting out of my comfort zone in this sense.. (my comfort zone is my house, place of work, and the gym...repeat). I have that shyness and introversion. Mostly, I want to be left alone at home. I really should challenge myself in this regard...
Great quote!
yes, I love that quote!
you're right, I haven't read or seen the play it's from. in context it wouldn't surprise me if it meant the opposite of the face value. overall I find beckett pretty boring though I guess in concept Godot is kind of interesting.
you could also say the song "I Feel Pretty" from West Side Story means something very different because in context we just saw Maria's brother get murdered by her boyfriend.
same with "to thine own self be true" from hamlet because it's being dispensed by a character who throughout the play seems like kind of a doofus.
but what does it mean in context, that "fail better" quote?
man you really understand this stuff better than I ever could
I am the only introvert I know, all the rest of my friends are really out there people. All of my out there extrovert friends serve as a wonderful reminder to make me be more interested in life. This is how I keep rolling.
I'm a 53 year old man and it's only been in the last year or so that I learned that my personality may be a INFJ and I thought it was my moody Cancerian ways and my introvert ways was a part of me being a Cancer, but now I see it was so much more. I've try all my life to go up to people and talk with them but my shyness all ways got in the way, it's been so hard to find any friends as I walk down this road of life each time I think I've found a true friend they just use me to get what they want from me then they are gone after I'd really try hard to make a friendship work. So now I just stay a lonely hermit. And at 53 now with 0 friendships, my life has been a almost been a complete failure. And I think having a left-side brain injury I got somewhere in my childhood. Has really messed up my INFJ brain. And I just don't think there's that much more I can do to kill the loneliness living inside my heart.
this was so inspirtational, loved the 80/20 rule, never thought of that..!
Sometimes the things we think we want are created by the expectations placed on us.
Having a strong memory makes it difficult as I live with interactions that may have happened a long time ago as if they're always fresh and recent so I try to minimize awkward moments so they don't reverberate through me for years.
Speaking generally, often extroverts don't take in things so deeply nor do people take them so seriously when they banter and playfully send out their cues. I find that mustering/mimicking a sense of lightheartedness is one way forward socially, where it's all just a silly day at the show.
Also, try not to be blinded by the bright, flurry of certain extroverts. Not everyone thinks they're so fabulous in the way they project. A few meaningful connections with certain people can be worth much more than a whole nodding crowd hiding their doubts.
"Excuseland" is my new favorite word lol. Thanks for the well thought-out advice :)
This problem has been pretty much solved for me. I have a very close-nit group of friends. I love spending time with them. They extrovert for me and help me meet new people without me having to exert a lot of energy. I also have re-occurring social activities like a young adult group, helping with youth group, and church. If I don't feel like going to any of those I stay in and re-energize. It's a great system! I get lots of alone time and lots of time with people I know I actually like. This is not necessarily a typical situation for a lot of INFJ people because good friends are hard to find. A lot of people aren't easily able to connect and others that we do want to connect with don't always want to commit to a close friendship. It's a dilemma. I'm really glad I'm blessed the way that I am.
After years of trying I’m finally in the same boat you are. It takes work and a lot of failure but we INFJ’s can get there.
Man, I know this so well. I remember the time that I left secondary school (16yrs), in which I never felt accepted for being introverted (also by my dad, but that's another story!), and saying to myself that I needed to be more extroverted for college. Funny enough, watching shows from the US also gave me the idea that I should be extroverted. Anyhoo, It was sort of good for me in one way because I learnt how to speak to strangers etc and even got up on stage in rock bands and expressed myself. However, I've since learnt that I went too far at times and burnt out, and then beat myself up for being burnt out!
As you say - Its a process of finding the fine line - your boundaries. Accepting that your are an introvert whilst being able to be social.
Brilliant vid as always Frank, Cheers, Rob.
Hey i know this was a while ago but thanks. For a long time i was kinda the outcast of my friends and family, it took so so much outta me that sometimes it felt harder to try to talk to someone thsn it did for me to do things i hated. Even though those times are gone this video still resonates and on some scale your sketches help me feel like its not just me
I really needed to hear this 😩 I 100% use those things to avoid things I’m scared of
I’m actually so glad you talked about this because I constantly battle between what traits are just me that I need to honor and what are things I’m using out of fear to avoid rejection ect
I remember your first video. New years eve party. I loved it. :)
I loved this one, too. Way to Fe, FJ! 😊
"It's your girl FJ" 😂😂😂😂😂😂
Also... I love your hair. 😊
My girl Frank I'm so late for this great video. As an introvert with social anxiety I can relate 100% and you basically said in this video what my therapist says for 100 canadian dollarz/hour. Of course when you try there is no guarantee of success but avoiding potential failure is also avoiding potential happiness in the form of a new great friend, a new bf/gf, a new interest or a new hobby. If you're happy in your solitude stay there but if your lonely you have to go out there even though it's difficult and your brain is trying to convince you that it's a bad idea.
if it makes you feel better that's only $75 in USD
This was very inspiring.
I'm all three: Introverted, shy and socially anxious (at times). But, I'll keep trying since you said we should. 🙂I'm reminded of that "Broken" song by lovelytheband. The last line of the chorus is so INFJ. Being lonely with someone ...
I like that you're broken
Broken like me
Maybe that makes me a fool
I like that you're lonely
Lonely like me
I could be lonely with you
I think one of the things that helped me as an introvert was that I gave up on trying to be cool. I’m just never going to be as “cool” as the other guy because I don’t like to socialize. Instead, I had to kind of own the positive aspects of my personality. I’m a little quirky. A bit dorky. I can be a little socially awkward, but it can be in an endearing way. Maybe it’s not the personality I wanted to get for Christmas and I got socks instead - but they’re my socks now. So I’m going to wear them and show people I love my socks - even if they don’t. Why? Because that is the kind of person that people like - a person who enjoys being who they are. It’s better than being cool or just like everyone else - because those models are common, and people like Nobel experiences. Eventually, if you can fake liking these “good” qualities in yourself - you’ll get enough positive feedback from other people that you will begin to like your social self, for real. That’s how dopamine works in your brain. The important thing is to remember to be positive - to yourself, and to others. Even if you have to fake it. It’s not really a lie. You’re choosing to try another perspective on for size to see whether that new way of looking at the world could be more truthful than what you used to believe.
There are so many times I can look back in my life and see how my own fear of rejection and failure have held me back. Many of them, maybe irrational. I’ve found this to be a process, but it’s possible to grow and learn how to take those chances when trying to be more social.
This question made for a great video topic.
as an introvert with social anxiety, it’s hard to know where the introversion ends and the social anxiety begins.. i definitely want more friends, but just a few really good ones. and it’s hard to go out and make friends when i’m scared and when i don’t want to go through the small talk acquaintance phase with a lot of people that i don’t even end up clicking with. it’s very draining and discouraging, but i’m trying to pull through. i’m glad i found your channel because i relate to so much of what you have to say.. thanks for this video Xx
So many great points I'm not sure where to start other than to scream, Accept and celebrate our individuality :)
And like you said, keep trying. As hard as that is so much of the time, I think it helps to know that all of our experiences, good and bad, are teaching us what we need to learn for whatever comes our way next!
Now for a quick break ladies and gentlemen I give you The Smiths,
"Shyness is fine but shyness can stop you, from doing all the things in life you like to....:)"
Fear robs us of much and yet it's very important to listen to our gut instincts when it comes to our flight or fight mechanism ya know what I mean?
One very important truth to know is that it's very rare to find a real honey at Happy Hour. You also have your many interests at home and they're all very important and with work and all the other time takers on your schedule, socializing can also be difficult to find time for in the first place.
But the question I've been wanting to know is have you ever had sessions with your grandfather to help with your anxiety?
I would soooooo love to have you as a client for a couple of sessions of my healing practice. And they're fun too! :)
It also helps to set goals for our days when we first wake up in the morning and order the day you wish to have and live it! We are the sum total of our decisions not our experiences. Looooooved the baseball analogy!! That was one of my lesson plans with my students. Pick a card of any random decision and ask where are you going to bat that ball? To who on what base and why? I will tell you this, your extrovert wants do get better in time depending on where your batting those balls :)
Look how brave and cool and attractive you've been to bring us all together in the first place? And I hope we all have a great weekend. Anyone want to help me shovel snow? Lol Hot cocoa on me!
Your channel is so good. Keep it up, bro.
This was helpful, Thankyou FJ. 😉
The success/failure rate is very true! I'm an ENFJ from Australia. I'm speaking more to making friends, but absolutely, I can talk to anyone and connect very quickly. Waitstaff, retail workers, person at the next table, the person next to me literally anywhere, and have a banging interaction where I can tell I made the person's day, simply by being friendly. This probably makes me sound righteous, vain and conceited, but it's simply true!
I'm the person that will compliment you on your outfit, shoes, hair, service, attitude, whatever. Due to these connections, my friend groups are ever-evolving and ever-changing.
All my long-term friends are people who have chosen to stick to me like glue. I leave that choice to the individual; but the friendlier I am, the more people are available to me to engage in quality friendships with.
It's true that "friends are there for a reason, a season or for a life-time"; but I certainly invite people to enter into the world of Laura, and if they stick around for a reason, great! If it's a season, how delightful. If it's a life-time; the pleasure is all mine!
Keep swinging, introverts, you'll hit more than you miss 😘
1. I would break a hind leg to avoid going to a social event
B. I go to one a year because it means a lot to my friend. If someone ends up talking to me I usually end up weirding them out so bad that I get to leave early. Then I get to go home and be awesome again.
Amy Knowles 😂
High 5!!😸
Actually i get kinda weird when people put their hands my face like high 5s and fist bumps. I instinctively swat and look rude...makes me wonder if i put my body in fight-or-flight by trying to socialize😹
therealmsbathory 333 I’m a loose cannon too. I’m might throat punch someone if they came at me like that. You’ll never catch me at a masseuse. 😂😂
@@amyinthemaking1217 must not hit the children
The greatest gift is finding a friend, who makes it fun to step out of your comfort zone.
The 80/20 rule is also known as Pareto-principle. THX a lot for mentioning it.
This can be applied to anything-whether you should be happy with your circumstances and work within your comfort zone and be successful there or to push yourself out of your comfort zone and face some failures
I can relate, it can take alot for me to be social and I do get lonely at times and envious of extroverts who make it look so damn easy! Recently went out of my comfort zone and set up a Facebook page, it can be exhausting but I am giving it a try. I am also committed to going out with my more social friend a couple of times a month for drinks in hopes of meeting people or maybe a guy to flirt with. I feel like sometimes Ill be single forever after my divorce but I have not really put myself out there yet. This video made me feel better in the sense that I know I am not alone. Im trying but it's hard.
I like that you acknowledged that the second part of your baseball example wasn’t going to work. I totally know what you were going for because I’ve made that same mistake. Only until I get to the end that I realize that the example isn’t going to work so I just cut myself off. 😅
There’s an article written from Scientific American that I keep bookmarked titled, “The Inconvenient Truth about your ‘Authentic’ self”. They’ve found that people’s aspiration to authenticity is mired in extroversion and goes against your true authentic self. That you don’t really admire people for their extraversion, but of what it brings. Just as you mentioned, it seems as though extroverts have more friends beck see they put themselves out there to have more friendships and relationships. People use introversion to cover for fear, guilt, shame, etc and are dangerously avoidant.
For me i do suffer from social anxiety and i dont try to push myself into socializing...i find if i hang out with a good friend or two and do things with them, i tend to be a bit more social. To try to go big all at once would make us fail cause in reality we aren't built that way. We can have happy fulfilling lives by doing what is comfortable and try to push in small steps. I guess at least trying and having support in our differences helps us grow. And your right...FEAR is a big issue. And accepting who we are as people is something we have to do, if we accept who qe are then it's easier for others to accept us.
Well said Frank ! X
As an INFP that has periodic episodes of forced extroversion, for many of the same motives which made me decide that being scared constantly was much better than getting beat up once in awhile.
Fear is much worse that actual, REAL discomfort...
Everything for better or worse is exactly as it should be until it changes for better or worse when it becomes exactly as it should be.
I have to deal with people like hallucinogens... If I'm not allowed to have control over most, if not all of the variables of amount, quality, set, setting, and intention I can have a wonderful, absolutely magical time for several hours, the right people a few days. Even then I still need time to rest, reflect, and reconnect with my Self and the Source.
Be blessed y'all 🙏
Be blessed folks 🙏
Hello Frank, Joe here... Thank you... It is quite compelling that you took some time to respond to my comment... I will rewatch this and further contemplate what you have said. I do "trust" your input and I try to be honest with myself but surely I could be more "frank" with myself... I want to add that I do have an active "social life" and I interact with people quite often in many dynamics (professionally, socially, artistically, and altruistically) I am not in an isolated wilderness or in full-blown hermitage... My use of the term "loneliness" is in part in reference to being around people that just do not see the world the same way that I do, I watch you channel in part because I appreciate your perspective and you often ring the bells few others have rung... Thank you for your time and efforts... Also to the many empathetic commenters, that is an inspiring thing by-itself. Be well - Joe
This stuff is a lot deeper than I expected.
Hey FJ! Loving the beard and hair combo! If you haven’t already, please make a video about how INFJs handle rejection, especially in relation to dating. Loving the content!
Hi Frank, ‘Joe’, coming at you as an INFJ in the final quarter of life. May I say it both does and does not get easier. You can fight the fear all you like (and I did in high-stress leadership positions in education for many years) but it still remains. Yes, it remains important to be self aware and not become completely reclusive but there is also a peace of mind that comes when you get to choose a little more how you want to spend the time left. For me this is in complete acceptance that this is how I am wired, not trying to be anything I’m not (under any circumstances), doing the things I enjoy with the people I love and trust (not many) and ‘to blazes’ with any who have a problem with this. If this is avoidance then so be it but anything now beyond a very quiet life simply comes at too greater personal cost. Go quietly amidst the bustle...
This is something I have always been troubling with, even more so recently as I try to come out of my comfort zone and be confident 😣 I want to be a teacher too... But through recent 'unsatisfactory' interactions, i feel like I'm not 'extrovert' enough to be one. It makes me doubt if I really do want what I want or if my dreams are valid and can be real for someone like me. I have to constantly remind myself that my introversion is not an excuse or a limitation. So, I try to be out there- initiating a small talk with a classmate or sharing a snack with my colleague/deskmate in the office or going in a fan gathering to give away stuff and make friends... Even though I'm awkward in most of them (the conversation just ends not the way I want to), I want to celebrate that 'attempt.' that attempt is special enough for people like us. I just have to constantly remind myself to not beat myself up every time I fail or my interactions are unsatisfactory (the second hardest part after doing the actual conversation) and accept that I'm an introvert. It's just harder for people like us, and we just keep on trying, all the while trying to know where the line is (
I can relate so much to this topic.
If I try to be more extroverted I always overdo it and end up coming across very weird, if I’m myself people think I’m mean. The eternal struggle man
I loved your video! It was super helpful!
thanks, Pablo!
How about you don't go into situations with an agenda other than to enjoy yourself? Don't worry about making friends. They'll show up when you're doing your best you anyway. Why? Because when you're in the zone, you're confident. Confidence attracts people. Stop caring what people think. You're thinking too much about all this extrovert introvert business. You're not awkward. You're just not in your zone at that moment. Whatever. It'll pass. Build yourself a bigger zone for next time. Just do what makes you happy and the people you meet through it will probably be better friends than you could've hunted for anyway.
A part of it imo is not just risking failure but being exposed enough to social situations while staying tuned in so that you can continue to "read the room" better.