I’m an Overworked, Overneeded and Exhausted Mom
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- Опубліковано 2 кві 2022
- I’m an Overworked, Overneeded and Exhausted Mom
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Teach your kids to pitch in as soon as they are able to do so. Every little bit helps. Make it clear that they aren't doing you a favor. This is their job. My grandmother had 12 kids. Everyone pulled their weight, every day.
IRA John m.j mlkjjkl loom
Kipoit
Yes
My husband does 50% of the work. Cleans up at night. Cleans. Helps with kids. And Im still drained and exhausted!
I like this caller a lot. But listening to her reminds me so much of how most of us ladies are taught to be super NICE, take care of others, be positive. I'm sure she was nervous calling in to this show but nearly every sentence is ended with her giggling. I often find myself doing the same. There is so much pressure to be perfect all the time and to not ask for what we want.
You are so right. We often get our satisfaction/self esteem this way but it's also the road to burnout, resentment or health problems. Need to care for ourselves just as much.
I despise giggling
This is exactly the way I was raised and its very hard to stop this unhealthy behavior!
I've been exploited my whole life because I have no visible support system and I'm lonely because I don't have friends that benefit me and I actually enjoy!
I've tried to date but most men I meet just want the benefits of a romantic relationship without the work and commitment!
I have no quality of life and I'm just surviving and dealing with people because my son needs to socialize with other people and I want to socialize but it's still not do cutting it!
GOD I'm so sad and tired!
AMEN!
AMEN!
I am experiencing burnout to the point i am self sabotage myself. My husband doesnt help me but he says he does. He only cooks supper once a month, when i buy porkchops and refuse to cook. He doesnt clean the livingroom up but makes half the mess. He throws his dirty clothes all over the house. Our son is autistic level 2. Ive been wiping his poop for 10 years. I am exhausted. I need a break. I love my son but i dont feel like a mother no more.
Your husband is treating you like a maid, and it sounds like he has no incentive to change.
You should call Dr John and get advise for how to talk to your husband and motivate him to act like an adult.
I’m so sorry mama. I know it’s hard but you’re doing your best and you are the cornerstone of your son’s life. This isn’t what you signed up for and it’s not what you deserve. Try and talk to your husband and if it doesn’t get better leave. Let him half 50/50 custody of the child HE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR. The weight of this life should not fall solely on your shoulders. Your husband needs to step up. He is failing not just as your partner but also your son’s father.
Many, many mothers start of this way and lose themselves like this! I have a client with 4 kids and had 2 Nannie’s to take care of her kids after she went back to work bc she said being a career woman was easier for her than raising kids. So her and her husband worked full time! Now that her kids are older and the eldest 2 moved out and 2 youngest are home but are fairly independent, she has started working from home bc she doesn’t have to slave away now that all kids are grown. Smart woman! I was so impressed! 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽😁
If you have money, there are boarding schools that take kids as young as 9. Great solution if you can afford it. And they usually make friends and get invited to other people's homes for holidays.
@Bok Choy that’s what I thought. Not smart to me but selfish. If you decide to have kids is to be there for them every step of the way and make memories and guide them
@@christinebutler7630I had friends in college that were raised by boarding schools. Every last one of them either hated their parents, completely ignored them, or had no relationship with them... or ended up in extensive counseling/therapy. Every. Single. One.
If that's what you're going for, to have kids but "not have kids" then boarding school is a great option.
For women, this is more easier said than done. We want action and some hubby's act like we're being extreme and asking for too much.
“I’m practicing saying my needs out loud” whew 😅
I feel bad for parents, my sister included (she has two healthy kids), and I just see the level of stress and exhaustion that is almost constant. I am honestly glad I never wanted to have children, I love them, but no thanks as far as my own. I like my freedom, and I give a lot of credit to all the parents out there, thank you for raising our next generation!
There are good parents and there are bad parents, but some people can't admit that they are bad parents. I think the best way to approach this woman's problem is to undermine how she sees what she is doing. It's not healthy for her children, husband and pet to have her act like this. She is being a bad mother, bad wife and bad pet owner. If she doesn't stop it now her children will turn into terrible people who will be forever damaged by her beliefs and preconceived ideas. They will need years of therapy to unpack what their mother did to them. At first, they might blame their father for what a terrible mother they had but he is just enabling his wife in this situation and telling her she is the glue because she needs that belief to be reinforced. They may never understand why their father never stepped up or was more involved in their lives, or why they had such a poor relationship with their dad until they have the breakthrough about how their mother was so narcissistic that she centered herself in her husband's life, her children's lives and her pets lives.
To truly understand the situation let's not focus on what her relationship is with her husband, children and their pets. Instead let's ask how her pet "needing" her so much and how she is the center of her pet's attention damages other members of the family's relationship with that pet. How is it fair that her husband can't have a good relationship with their pets? How is it fair to her children that they don't have the kind of relationship with their family pets that their mother hordes to herself? Now do the same for her children's relationship with her. She has done so much damage to their relationship with their father and the family's pets by hording the children to herself. Now see it from the perspective of the children.
She is not the glue that is holding the family together. She is the thing tearing it apart.
Tearing the pets from her husband and children
Tearing the children from her husband and pets
Tearing her husband from her children and pets
She is not the glue. Each relationship within the family would be much better if she wouldn't center herself in the lives of her family and pets.
@Betty Smith - Some feel this way and I totally understand! One day when you become older and less free though, all of those years of exhaustion may pay off when the loving children raised (hopefully) can help you as you are less free. Otherwise, there are always great nursing homes/in-home care 😂
@bettysmith4527 I don't feel bad for them at all. They aren't martyrs... they chose to have kids. Boo hoo. Get on with it, this is what you WANTED so that YOU could either:
1-feel fulfilled/important
2-have something to do
3-keep your husband/partner
4-carry on your family name/replicate yourselves in some way
5-have someone to look after you when you are older
No-one is having children to save the human race of 8 billion people. They are having them for their own selfish wants - and yet child free people are called selfish?? (At least I don't need to create another life to have some sort of life satisfaction... that seems inherently selfish to me).
The fact that people choose to have children for one of the above reasons, then moan how haaaarddd it is... I am sorry. I have zero sympathy. You chose to have them.
It's a shame people have to create another life just so they can feel better about themselves, rather than just finding ways to feel better about themselves, or finding ways to help the humans that are already here.
The above reasons are so self involved it is unreal...
Also, the last thing this planet needs is more humans...
It’s the lack of community that women don’t have now. My grandmother had multiple women in her days help her with her children and home and they were all friends of the community she lived in.
Fellow maid here. It is really tough you clean and take care of other families all day then go home to your own and you have nothing more to give. Add on to the the other roles women have: boss, wife, mom, daughter, friend, finder of lost socks...gotta scedual you time. You can't keep up what your doing
I never know that having a child could be so tiring and exhausting and stressful is TO MUCH 😢😢😢
The mom is the glue that holds everyone together, the crazy glue .
Sometimes yes sometimes no
Immature
@@show_me_your_kittiesare you a troll? I’ve read many of your replies to this video. It’s not gonna get you famous youre just being rude.
I am a mom of a 4 yr old with ADHD and ODD tendencies (kicked out of 4 preschools prior to public for 12 hrs a wk), I work 3 jobs from home up to 80 hrs, I clean my house (hubby is a stay at home dad but we have zero help from family or friends), and we have a special needs pet. I am a nurse by profession.
How I don’t burn TF out? After 4 yrs of this…what works for me: weekly scheduled 90 min massages, with chiropractic visit before, and a therapist visit every month or so. My husband has also figured out that they need to get the hell out of the house to give me space at least once a day - even if it’s just to work in quiet. Lastly, scheduling sexy time while kid is in school. Prior to this, I was enraged most of the time for carrying a heavy weight and a life I didn’t want (he wanted a kid, I did not). That’s the secret. Take care of you and make sure you two work as a team.
👏👏👏
Wendy: I sincerely hope that you have applied for substantial free services for your child through your school district, and have exhausted your insurance coverage for services as well. Providers can come to your home instead of providing services in your school, saving your husband the need to bring the child there or remove them from the classroom. Check the law because some districts will not be honest about it. I am so sorry that you had a child you did not want, and it turned out to be a child with intense needs. Your story is a cautionary tale to women who are sure it will "work out". I treat many kids whose moms don't say it out loud, but have your story. I can only do so much. I don't judge. Some choices are forever.
@@Cathy-xi8cb thank you so much! Yes he has an IEP and has speech therapy at school. We use insurance for a place that does OT/SLT/feeding therapy (picky eater). The insurance isn’t great. We have hired parenting consultants in the past too…we tried everything. Spent all of Oct 2020 trying to hire a nanny but everyone flaked. Everyone. It was impossible in the pandemic. We have been with him since he was born. Every night.
I value your advice and compassion. While I love him, having a child as older parents is infinitely more challenging. Parents are dead, other family is estranged or across the country, friends have already raised their own. We are fighting to get him ESY and have a backup agency that does some respite come May. We can’t wait until he is in the restricted kindergarten for special needs. We used to get calls almost every day to come pick him up at private day cares. He also had an injury that required stitches in his forehead at one. 😢
And you are right…my therapist says she hears many women in my boat say what I feel. I used to remind my husband of how much easier our lives would have been, no kid. I have learned to refocus because doing that just keeps you in despair. I congratulate women who are firm about no kids and remind those who do that they need extensive backup plans. People die, pandemics happen. You never know if the child will have special needs. Thanks for reading 🙏 🤍
@donald johnson yes he has arthritis and it affects his ability to use the litter box so he gets wet poops on his behind (he’s a litter box trained older rabbit)
Nurse = codependent. Codependent parent = poor boundaries. Poor boundaries = bad kids.
House cleaning is a hard job to do for a living.
Her nervous laugh was annoying because she really needs to be clear. That can be confusing to the other person with her when everything is said with a smile and/ or giggle. Like be an adult and say what you need.
This call makes me thankful for my mom making me help around the house and learn to cook and the like. She handled basically everything and my dad was helpless when jr came to household stuff. It worked for them because my moms passion was hosting and doing those things for others but she wisely knew that not everybody was that way. Growing up I began entitled thinking I’d never need to do those things because my wife would and I said that to my mom.
She nipped that in the bud explaining that it wasn’t fair to ever expect that and it was unhealthy. So she taught me to do all of those things and not assume that would be my wife’s job and in my marriage I handle a ton of that stuff. And it’s a great thing because my wife works in a demanding job she’s passionate about while I get to work a 40 hour week. It’s been a great thing that she doesn’t have to come home and do all that stuff after putting in those long days. She always comes home and asks if she can do stuff for me because she is a giving person but more often than not it isn’t the case but on the rare times I do ask she’s happy about it and I think tons of that is because it isn’t some expectation and that if I do ask it’s an actual need.
Thank you momma for snapping entitlement before it could be harmful to someone like my wife.
I've been a hygienist for 7 years, I have 3 brothers, and my husband works super late. I swear this is for me 😂 I literally searched this topic and found this video.
Single mom of two in a country far from where my family is. No friends no family here still surviving. Atleast she has a husband that can help sometimes.
Dr. John’s face at 15:30 is amazing!!!!
I needed to hear this.
Thank you.
Great description!! That's exactly how I feel!
Why is it so hard to say our needs? I don't do that either...I complain, and now listening to this call, I feel that complaining is so much worse...
But I also realized I did start expressing my feelings in the beginning of the marriage, but was never listened to, and probably thought it was helping and started complaining, which made me a bad person, but also did not help either. Now I have resen😢.
You need to delegate and outsource . You can’t do everything and be everything to everyone.
Put the kids to work.
Exactly and my thoughts are that she's just exhausted. If she doesn't take care of herself her health will begin to decline.
She sounds like every young Mom I know. She’s going to change her life!!!🎉
John. Where did you come from? I've been waiting for people like you to share and spread the authenticity. Your articulation is incredible. This is what we need to feel a lot more better than yesterday 😊
Houston Texas is where John is from.
Im a stay at home mom my husband works full time he clocks out and comes home i never clock out at home I miss my working days talking to coworkers coffee breaks.
It’s very important for health to have time in your life that’s just for you to explore your interests. Take a class, find a club, read a book in the tub. 💕
This is why women should reconsider getting married and having kids
All the old childless women I've ever known on their death bed talk about the biggest regret is not getting married and having kids. Never fails.
@@jilogarcia5979 These "old childless women" didn't get married because many, many men (405,399) died in WWII not to mention the disabled men who were not marriage material. There was no one to marry in their towns! Let's not forget history. There were no "career women" at that time and it was rough being a single woman.
@@jilogarcia5979 o.O do you work in hospice or something? You seen to have a large sample size.
@@jilogarcia5979 No not really. Not everyone want's to have kids and many that did wish they didn't.
"More good women have been lost to marriage than to war, famine, disease and disaster"... Women become unpaid servants to society after marriage & kids. Duties of family & homecare will almost always fall on the woman, regardless of whether we also have a full-time job or not. Women are doing twice the work, it's no wonder we are catching up to diseases of despair. I have no interest in getting married or bearing children. I like my sleep & I like my money.
Honestly, cleaning is therapeutic to me. Earbuds in and go. The more you do it, the more mindless it becomes and you can enjoy a podcast, audio book, or music.
Same. The stressful part for me is when everyone comes home and messes up all my work in 5 minutes
Same. Cleaning IS my escape. It's not a "chore" .
@@hollym1751 I felt this in my soul. Everyone comes home and it's like I did nothing. I can't complain though because they are just giving me more opportunities for stress relief 😁
@@hollym1751 That's when I just play outside, do yard work, or go out with my family afterwards. Oftentimes, what I have to do when my in laws visit. They do all kinds of projects with my husband, and that's cool, but no one cleans up afterwards. Not even sweep the sawdust off the porch or throw opened packages or plastic bags away, .... buuut hey, I have all kinds of home improvements done so. Out of state, visit only every few months. I will survive!
@@ellencox8415 Yeah, I think I like cleaning more than just being clean. I just don't like mounds of laundry
This is golden
I am not undermining her feelings, but boy she does not realize how good she has it. I wish it were my life right now, believe me. I wish I had a doting husband, kids and my own business. She has it all.!!! I'd trade places with her in a heartbeat.
That’s good stuff
This situation is kind of normal, take time for yourself and teach the kids to be more independent as they grow up. If you do too much, people can become overly dependent on you. They can adjust to you taking time off. Start scheduling your own time off and stop doing too much.
"Broke in this house just to clean it..... lets break the thought behind this down" HAH Was getting ready for that
What happens if you have a Husband whom does not really take things well in the aspect of what I want in regards to being present for not only me but for our 3 kids too. I know he works 10 hour days and works overtime on Friday and he is tired when he gets home but to realize that it isn’t a competition because I am tired too. Everyone is tired. Both of us work full time and I want that connection to him when he is home and on weekends. Family time is what I want. Work stays at work but I don’t need to sit there watching him on his phone scrolling and texting when I am trying to reign in our kids. I want that connection to him. Our kids need that connection to him too. Parent buttons don’t shut off. Just because we clock out of work our job isn’t done. I love my Family so much and we need any time we can together. Plus it’s a different time now. Women and Men specific duties don’t exist anymore. Guys can do laundry and dishes and vacuum. Dads can take kids to doctor appointments and school conferences it doesn’t just fall on the mom because we gave birth to them. We both are a TEAM.
Dr John has an episode about the dad always staying on his phone when the wife wants the him to connect with the kids. He has the dad start leaving his phone in the car after coming home from work! No reason to have it late in the evenings and get into endless scrolling.
My husband and I set "timers" on our phones wellness settings, so it automatically shuts off the app, and you can see how much time youve spent. Phone scrolling is a BAD habit, the brain just wants the easy dopamine.
I’m telling all young women. Do not get married and do not have kids!!! You will regret it!! That the biggest mistake I ever made . I’m not sure what I hate more !! Husband or kid
Don’t start marriage without sharing your non-negotiables and maintaining boundaries. Say no as often as you say yes. In case of an emergency, fasten your mask before helping others. We need to get ourselves healthy before giving to others.
6:00 would you give this advice to a man? To tell his wife what he wants, what it is going to be, what it will be?
Caller... you are married, fight. Yes the fight is tiring. But worth it.
Yes. Figure out what you want and need but involve him. Let him know. Don't leave him out just as you wouldn't want him to leave you out. Your daughter doesn't need to involved in marriage conversations, but let her see when you guys are hugging and give pecks or holding hands. So she sees what a growing, healthy marriage looks like.
Marriage is a journey. Things change. What i liked 10yrs ago, or wvwn last month, with my husband, i don't care for a bunch of it now. And we chat and we try to understand each other.
I'm not who i was when i started this relationship with my husband. I've grown as has he.
The need for the dishes and the living room are my same needs. My mood is crap when i wake up and there are dishes and my living room looks like crap.
There are times that I've GENTLY woken him up or waited until he got up and asked, "what happened last night?" And then we'll talk. Because "why wasnt this and that does" does not work.
Marriage is not 50-50. Divorce is.
You breastfed, good for you. Be grateful for as long as you did it. Your body gave nutrition to your baby. That chapter is closed now.
Now, you get to breathe. And your breasts don't give nutrition anymore.
Even after this call and if these messages are ready, it is still going to take time to feel settled and breathe.
My question for moms/parents is always REAL QUESTION...how do you stop your kids from banging on the door while you're in the bathroom, and to get kids to STOP climbing into bed with you? Not a mom yet...My niece and nephew don't do it to me, but they constantly do it to my sister. I haven't seen anything on the bathroom question.
It goes back to establishing boundaries. Yeah kids are annoying but you need to be clear on boundaries and acceptable behavior in calm way. Also a normal routine for the child which is important. They do it to your sister because she's allowed it and didn't establish the boundaries and routines early on.
You ask them to leave you alone and give you privacy while you take care of your body. If they don't, they get to sit in a chair for 5 minutes not touching you, toys, or pets. Boundaries are important. It's no secret that children without boundaries are chaotic. My kids are wild but with boundaries they do behave better and mind from time to time. Without them they are over the top. That's on me, they are kids.
Lock the door and dont open it. It is weird that so many people cant figure out how to set boundaries with their children.
My theory is that we were raised by narcissists and that creates codependent, no boundary having, people pleasers. Because you have no ability to set boundaries, you let your children run all over you. You think that loving them and making them happy is your ultimate job. your job is to prepare them to be successful in the world. 90% of that is establishing the rules and regulations for engaging in a society. They need to understand that no means no. I also have a tirade on rape culture being prevalent because "NO" didn't mean "NO" and it was the starting point for negotiation, but that's another day...
I think that's why you see so many kids being diagnosed with oppositional defiance disorder. You don't set rules and expectations for behavior. You rewarded negative behavior with attention.
I had a friend whose daughter quite literally smacked her in the face, as a four-year-old. However, when I babysit that child, the child never disrespected my house or me. When I told her to do something she did it. I set her in time out and she threw some watermelon seeds on the floor. I ignored it until her timeout was over. I told her that she needed to pick up the seeds before leaving timeout. She complied and I rewarded her with attention and affection. Meanwhile, her father kept trying to go in the room and engage with her when she was in time out. I literally had to tell him to stop giving her attention. I told him that she knows the rules of my house and that things will be OK. Codependency leads to leads to permissive parenting.
You can create boundaries and tell them no.
@@gloriack7976 Very well said
Yes no kids anymore it’s the fall of humanity
She has no problem cleaning other's homes but doesn't want to clean her home?
People will celebrate a woman working out of the home but "how dare they" when they are stay at home wives or moms. And they are called, asked, should take care of their home.
Lol its not everyobes calling to cook and clean FOR FREE. Her career is cleaning and she gets praise and money. At home she is a free maid and chief...until death do her part....what joy!!
Just stop.
The caller's husband married a winner! These kinds of women are married fast!
Marriage is a scam
Reminds me of my wife. I’m going to go clean the dishes 😂
And exhausted fast, unless they married winners themselves.
You are absolutely correct. Women who do not have any boundaries are married up fast
She gives no props to her partner - her HUSBAND
Some of these questions he is asking are out of line.
Bew hoo 😭
Wow
She's not at all self-absorbed...
Honestly, what was the point of this call? Her situation is not at all unusual and many people have more than one child. This seemed like a cry for attention.
Wouldn't wanna be your wife.....
@@camcam221133 You have no clue what you are talking about. We worked different shifts so that we could both be the primary caregivers of our children; it was 100% a team effort. I guarantee wouldn’t want to be married to you, Karen.
Wow, no empathy. Doesn't matter, ppl are overwhelmed. I'm sure the suppression of all ur trauma n overwhelm will materialize soon
It's pretty important.
Agreed. Excellent point. These women need to "suck it up buttercup".