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I Don’t Feel Safe in My Marriage and I Want a Divorce
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- Опубліковано 2 лис 2021
- I Don’t Feel Safe in My Marriage and I Want a Divorce
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Don't stay for the children. Go because of the children.
My parents told us they were separating when I was 14, but I had already been wishing for 5 years that they would divorce.
Amen. Best decisionI ever made.
So true. Too many couples stay together and use this as an excuse.
Yes.
All the more reason…
The scary part is they have lived to long with their father and are probably traumatized already. Only to repeat the same pattern as their Dad who was also traumatized it sounds like. It is why it very important to leave abusive spouses to stop that cycle from repeating again.
Strangulation in a relationship is a predictor that the man who strangles his partner is 7 times more likely to murder that partner.
I hope she's ok❤😢
😢
When John says “I will never tell anyone to get a divorce”, that means get a divorce
Every time 🎉❤😂 He had to stop saying "I never, but in this case..." Because he told people to divorce like 3 times per week.
"It doesn't happen very often.." Jolene. Listen to yourself honey. Once is too many.
I definitely caught this. Very sad 😔
This woman is in more danger than she realizes. She needs an exit plan today, and not tell her husband she’s leaving him until she and her kids are safe. The rest can be worked out with the attorney and counseling. JMHO
You are absolutely right. He gave her the wrong advice. She needs a suitcase and a safe place to stay first and foremost.
There isn't always another safe place to go sometimes and for some people . There isn't, in most to many cases, any true or really reliable support for such a situation and people involved in it as victims, that's why, so many times, they're feeling trapped and feeling like they have to sick it out and stay there inside the same house. Most people can't understand that if they're not familiar with these kinds of situations. Even the local shelters can at the very best feel like your risking jumping off from one problematic situation in to a much more unfamiliar and uncertain one. It's hard to understand unless you've either had to be dealing with it yourself or witnessing it going on with somebody else you know a lot about and very well first hand. It's an awful and terrible place to be. To body's around to honestly help, but more or less to tell you what their opinions are for you to do, but at the same time not with the extension of an any assistance and alog with the absence of anybody else's or any other organization's either.
Choking is a serious escalation. She is 100% NOT safe. I hope she leaves and doesn’t struggle with guilt.
Before she tells the kids she needs an exit plan including important documents.
She will destroy her next husband just like she destroyed him
@truthreigns3465 who hurt you?
John, please tell IPV/DV victims to get divorced after they have a safety plan. Warn them about post-separation violence and stalking risk.
YES!!! You are absolutely right. Especially if the man has a pattern of CHOKING the woman. Recent studies show that this is the single greatest indicator that a woman’s life is in danger. If he’s choked or strangled you, even for a second, he WILL kill you one day! Unless you GET OUT!
and even if she's not murdered, strangling you for sex refusal is sexual coercion and the lead up to violent rape and more frequent violence.
@@Rosaedora yeah, in my country, strangulation has a whole extra charge in DV. Because of the exponential risk of death.
@@joisagirlsname I wish it was here too! half my face is paralysed due to this when I was escaping my ex
@@Rosaedora I'm so sorry that happened to you. After escaping my own situation, I walked my childhood friend through getting out of hers. Police, family violence teams, emergency buttons, the whole works. It was a long, hard road, and he ended up committed in an institution for a while. The thing I learned that was most surprising about DV over these years is that it doesn't take ANY provocation. If anything, the violent person is always trying to provoke a situation where they have some sort of "justification" because they're just a POS who's desperate to feel superior over someone else. Bloody awful, pathetic people.
A woman is in the most danger from an abusive partner when she lets him know she wants to leave. If you read this, please work with your local domestic violence project to come up with a plan to leave.
Absolutely , if she's reading this, she needs to call a domestic violence center and make a plan to get out asap
I agree. She needs to leave with the kids and stay safe. I am praying for you and your kids Jolene 💜🙏🕊️💜
It's just not an excuse.
My Dad was abusive as all get out. To Mom. To the children. To me. I'm married now. I don't abuse my wife. I don't abuse my children. I work through the trauma. No excuses, men.
👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽♥️♥️♥️
Same here! One day, I realized that I had the power to break the cycle!!👏🏼👏🏼
Important to say that you can break the cycle. Women can be abusers. We also have to break the chain.
You are a good man!! You give me hope 🙏
You sound like an amazing man, husband and father.
"doesn't happen very often"....RUN. the fact that it happened once is enough.
She has not only been physically abused but she’s clearly been emotionally and mentally abused as well. Been there done that and never again. Growing up in the church I was always told Christian’s shouldn’t get a divorce. As an adult I realize graves are full of Christian women who tried to make it work with an abusive partner. Sometimes we need to tell people to get a divorce. It’s ok. Your life, physical, and mental health are more valuable than anything.
Churches: Failing women and children since the first tabernacle was built in Sinai.
That's a sobering thought. I left---two domestic violence marriages. No regrets. But after reading your comment, I don't think I will ever pass a cemetery without remembering what you said here... Ouch.
The statistics are homicide by your partner after being choked are terrifying. I don’t think she understands the danger she is in
My heart breaks for Jolene. She is in more danger than she realizes. I was in a situation like this... I left without any warning. Didn't tell him where I was going. He begged me to stay and tried to guilt me into staying by saying he'd be homeless and he would kill himself. Past trauma is not an excuse to inflict trauma onto others. You and your children are not personal punching bags, emotional or physical.
I wish I never met my " husband".
She seriously needs a safe place to go.
@@AngelaMay66 I wish I could give you a big hug. You only have this life, so please make yourself a priority.
"Ill kill myself if you leave." Well, don't let me stop you.
I divorced mine after 35 years. The last 5 years he had become different and got into a lot of crap. I refused to put up with it.
I filed divorced and he was forced to move out. He was found dead ten months later in his car in the Walmart parking lot.
Divorcing was the best thing I did for me.
I was married to one of those. He put on a good face at church but physically verbally and psychologically abusive at home. They would reprimand me for leaving him. He had everyone fooled. And then I caught him kick my son. I left. But I had to relocate for my kids sake
You are not being completely honest, what did you do to make him like that? Bitching and complaining about everything he does, not making him feel good enough? You are not being honest and probably doing the same thing to your “new” husband
@@truthreigns3465 it’s clear that you’ve never had the misfortune of being stuck with an abuser. There’s nothing you can do that “makes them like that”, they just are like that. There’s nothing you can do to make them stop either, because abuse is their choice to begin with.
If I were you I’d spend less time making a fool of yourself by pretending to know other peoples lives and more time on something productive, like therapist.
Textbook abuse victim puts all the blame on themselves and over apologizes. Been there. Jolene, please don’t believe the lies and do better for yourself and your children.
Her husband is a failure. He put her in a position that she has to flee. And she sounds like the type of woman that would have stayed for the long run, otherwise.
He has a great wife, something I would die for, not to abuse but because of her principles and values.
My heart goes out to this woman. Men who do this make me sick to my stomach. I could hear the hurt in her voice. I will be praying that she gets out of there.
He is not a men. Men dont do this, guys do..
You females who take no accountability and lie make me sick
She needs to minimum prepare a GO bag. Collect some cash, copies of paperwork for her and the kids, open a separate bank act, and a change of clothes for each of them. Find a place that you can go to that he doesn’t know…not a friend or family member. Extra set of car keys hidden outside of the house close to where you park the car. A ziplock bag of meal bars and water, one for each of you.
She needs to call a woman’s abuse hotline, they can walk her through this and get her and the kids out …
tell the lawyer you need an emergency financial order and a restraining order with your filing
I pray she leaves and files for divorce. God please protect her and her children while going through this transition in her life.
Jolene, I’m praying for the Lord’s peace over your life. No more minimizing. You are not broken. You are worth so much more. Sending you all my love.
I didn’t understand at first, but that very first day I experienced that Lord’s peace after finally leaving him was a feeling I cannot describe and it is what pushes me to never go back. Jolene if you’re reading, the peace is worth it!!!!!!”
My grandpa was like this man. Everyone thought he was a great man but he'd come home and beat the life out of my grandma, almost every day. As I got older, the love I felt for him turned into such resentment and almost a hatered. But no one would say anything to him, not even his own kids. And my grandma would not let anyone speak ill about him, until the day she died.
What that did for me is send a message that marriage is a trap, is not safe, and that I never want to get married or be in a situation like she was in. Jolene needs to leave, and get those kids away from him asap. They are all traumatized by this point.
Women back then couldn’t have bank accounts or credit cards. Grandpa was grandmas survival.
I'll say it!
"Get divorced"!!!!!!!!
And get the kids to counseling. They might follow his footsteps!
And I used to babysit my alcoholic father from getting out of hand. . I must of been 8 yrs old. My mother has apologized for putting me through that
You should of never been in that position.
Yes. If someone did this to a stranger, we’d all be screaming to prosecute the perp.
I was so glad when my Mom took us and left. And we lived in a boardinghouse after…no problem. It was peaceful.
do not tip anyone off for your safety until you are out or file with protective orders
I hope Jolene is safe now. This call broke my heart.
Run like hell. I was you once and had to plan leaving secretly because of fear of repercussions. I never looked back. Look forward. Good luck. ❤
Jolene you are me! I left 3 months ago after 30 years of the same thing. Run ! Run! Run! I know all you’re feeling. All those thoughts. He’ll run his narrative to the kids. Stay strong and who he truly is will show up to the boys. Not your job to raise him. Trust me he’ll figure it out. They always do. Your friends and family see straight thru him! More than you realize. And yes you’ll experience pieces of Stockholm Syndrome. That’s what narcissists abusive manipulative people do. Recognize it acknowledge it so you can move on. And mama “ you are enough!” Many hugs to you. You can do this !!!
Good for you!
You left this comment a year ago, how are you now? ❤
She sounds so smart and so kind. She will get out of this but it might be the hardest thing she's ever done.
I know this is two years later, but I hope this lady is doing okay ❤❤❤ and her children as well❤❤❤❤
It makes me so angry that people violate their partner and harms them so violently. What could ever bring anyone to do that
Being violated as a child and never feeling safe.
I hope Jolene has left and moved on. She sounds like a kind person. I really hope her and the kids are safe and in a good place.
Marriage is an agreement where two people promess to RESPECT and LOVE each other. If the agreement is broken by any part it should be terminated. And I am Catholic. Noone should be miserable forced to be with someone who doesn’t love or respect you. We all make mistakes. God understands.
Actions like that destroy the covenant
@@zeal4god402 and when he murders her, which is what this is leading to, what does your 'god' think of that since Im fairly sure that screws up the covenant too
My Catholic dad cheated on my atheist mum their entire marriage! What’s religion got to do with being a decent human being?
@@Nah-ah One can slap on a label to be anything, yet not represent it
@@zeal4god402 The covenet is degraded already.
Run, girl. Do not wait for the next escalation to happen. First be safe, then move on with the next steps. God bless you ♥️
Call the domestic violence hotline. They will talk to you and help you to figure out what to do next. I was in a marriage for 42 years but I am no longer. Hardest and best decision off my lifetime.
You are in danger. Be strong. Be nice. Don't upset him. Quietly (and quickly )go to a divorce attorney and make a plan, including money in a separate account. And leave him fast.
"That doesn't happen very often ." Someone help her out of their now.
“There”. Jesus this is second grade English 🤦🏼♀️
@@hillarybillary21 😆
Peace of mind is huge, it’s worth a lot. In fact, it’s priceless!
"The cloud of it could go off at any moment is violence". That one hits home
When people tell you something about themselves, believe them. This lady found excuses for him and for herself to stick around until she can’t lie to herself anymore.
If someone is your life partner, they should never try to strangle you. She should absolutely leave the marriage.
Captain Obvious is here!
I ended a abusive relationship through the emotional pain I felt. It was the most difficult decision I made. I thought the abuse would end, but it seriously escalated...then I thought...the rest of my life in this toxic mess when God has a godly, humble, sweet, loving one out there? I'm done
I had the same experience. So glad you found your self worth and got out! I also thought "I can't see the rest of my life in this toxic mess", that was my deciding factor
If he told you to find someone else .. he’s having an affair. He’s checked out. Congrats on your pending divorce ♥️ it’s gonna be awesome. You won’t see it at first but it will
As a middle child of 5, my mom got us out and saved us. I feel we wouldn’t have turned out well at all if she stayed. Be strong Jolene! I have to add my dad came back from Korea with bad PTSD which wasn’t recognized then. He couldn’t even sleep inside the house. They had bayonets on their rifles. You looked in the eyes of those you stabbed. They should’ve helped these guys!
My grandfather had stories like this. He would always go glaze eyed while talking about it. Always a weight on his shoulders
What a wise and wonderful person dr. Delany is.
Could not agree more. God definitely uses him to speak real authentic reality, and practical advice. I love how he affirms his callers while not sugar coating what needs to actually happen. This call is a perfect example of that.
I really hope she gets the peace and happiness and safety she deserves.
When people show you who they who they are, believe them.
I love how he keeps his composure, I believe in forgiveness and lack of judgement but hearing about people who hurt kids and women make my blood boil.
You can choose what you think is an amazing partner as a husband/wife but you have zero idea how they’re gonna be like in different situations; marriage, children, lack of income!
There are always red flags. Unfortunately people like to ignore them or give them a pass.
Women especially are trained from a young age to ignore red flags or even romanticise them.
My heart breaks for her. She is in so much danger and doesn’t realize it. This man could erupt at any moment and every time she said “it doesn’t happen very often” I got more worried. I hope she runs and takes those boys with her.
Went through a similar situation and my divorce has just been finalized. You have to get out for your life to get better.
Awful. You invest so much time/energy into a marriage and you get nothing, but guilt in return.
She stopped answering him towards the end of the call. I am so sorry to hear this. I've lived it. So glad to be single and be at peace all the time.
He muted her for some reason. It may be that she broke down.
Jolene, I love you ❤️I was one of your boys, witnessing what they e witnessed for years until my mom left and to the outside my dad seemed like such a great guy. Your boys love you so much and want there mama to be safe and loved.
The fact that your boy stepped in to protect you tells me they’re not going to follow his example. They love you so much and the thought of hurting there person the way he hurts you will not stand.
I love you and wish you the absolute best. You will be in my thoughts and prayers
Idk about that. Plenty of little boys protect their mother from their abuse even father, then grow up and behave the same way their father did. It’s a learned behavior.
Thank you!
Thank you Dr. Delaney for saying his demons are context, not an excuse.
I’ve been there, but it will not get better. I stayed 27 years 25 years to long
I was in shorted relationship and everypne felt he was the great guy. But you know what I was scared and doubted myself. After divorce i learned the following, 1 you donot need friends who can not be your safe space 2. you donot need this piece of garbage 3. make a safety plan. secure finances and your safety
Crimes of passion are almost always done in an unplanned fit of rage through strangulation. If the recent Gabby Petito case doesn't motivate this lady to get out and save her life, Idk what will.
Leave him today! Your boys will thank you. Prayers for you. Get a good lawyer that will help you.
Jolene you are strong !!! Listen to me sweetheart F what everybody got to say f everyone’s opinion f his feelings!! It’s time to put Jolene’s happiness first !! It’s time for you to be happy and safe and if that means being divorced big deal .. 2022 is a fresh new start !!! It will be hard at first but I can tell you first hand it was the best decision I ever made !! You get a brand new lease on life !!!
Get your plan going. Get out and get safe. Think of you and your kids only.
This is a cycle, his dad was abusive and he is doing the same thing. She needs to give the boys a chance to have healthy relationships
I feel so sorry for her. Just because you let it go then doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. Choking is egregious in any context, hopefully she left and focused on her and her children’s healing.
What women need to hear is that they can love the man, not want to leave him, but it's still the right thing to do.
Jolene, people are more intuitive than you think. When you said, 'that doesn't happen very often' ..says youve been in this a long long time. You can make it and deserve to make it.. your kids for definite for sure. You can do what you need to do... You can do what you know you need to do. Praying for you and your kids.
The reason why she didn't want to have sex is because her body didn't feel SAFE. Much like when a woman is in labor her body stalls the labor until she gets somewhere safe. Our bodies are powerful, and we need to listen to them more. I hope shes doing okay🤍
Jolene please take your kids and get out. If he heard this call one vof his friends did you are in extreme danger. If he has ever hurt the kids it can be reported,to cps. They can be helpful in getting y'all away. My therapist reported by ex to them after I told her what he had done. I have no doubt that saved our lives. Please God keep her and her boys safe
do not tell the boys until you are out with them
This is where you get your dad, uncle, big brother or whoever and find a safe place and just GO NOW with the kids. Then have them let him know to not come around and stay away and his only option is to talk to her divorce attorney...the end! The kids are old enough at 16 and 14 to where most judges would let them choose and that just a chance she has to take but if they have seen the abuse it should be an easy choice. She is smart to come up with a secret plan she just need to move up the timeline and under no circumstances confront him about it.
I wish there was a group that we could help each other. This is a bond that is hard to break, I still have trouble taking about what happened to me. Back in 2004, there was a hammer incident. He gave me the silent treatment, I needed someone to talk to. Called a work hotline, I didn’t know it would lead to therapy. I was so scared that he would find out. I am definitely not a success story, I am still here after 32 years. Now I am in a different country, no car and my health is failing. It is from the constant stress. I hope she got out
Jolene, for your sake and for yoir kids sake, please leave and do it safely. No onr deserves to livr in an abusive household. God Bless you amd keep you safe.
Why does anyone have to ask or get permission from anyone to leave a guy like this omg
Remember Gabby Petito 🦋🦋
Me and a girlfriend broke up over this. She kept vacillating back and forth about her husband. After 7 years she said she was broken and my conversations stopped. There was nothing I could do for her. I do hope she is ok but recognizing when it's time to stop is too important.
One of the things is sticking out to me is she gave her husband growing up watching his father physically abused his mother, as part of his traumatic past. But she doesn't seem to put that rationale towards her children observing that now. The fact that her children are currently experiencing the same trauma her husband experience as a child. The fact that her future daughter-in-law could say the same thing about her still being in this marriage that she said about her mother-in-law staying with her father in law. It's almost like they're no connection between these two stories for her. And it is really goes to show how you have to compartmentalize to get through horrible situation. I really hope that she left him and that she's gotten her sons into some type of counseling and therapy to help break the cycle of abuse.
Looking at the statistics, more often than not the victim will be strangled to death in the end. Please find help to get out. You're in danger.
Praying for you Jolene! You are strong. You can do this ❤️❤️
He left you a long time ago. Exactly.
She should’ve left him years and years ago when he said that he was a bad father and a husband you got your walking papers and you should’ve took them
God bless you Jolene 🙏🙏 thank you for sharing your story. Please take action as Dr Delony said, for your own personal safety and the welfare of your children.
He choked you. End of story. You should love and protect yourself.
The absolute worst thing a woman can do is tell her violent partner she's leaving. She doesn't owe him an explanation or a conversation. This is the most dangerous time, everyone needs to know that.
I know that panic. I wish I could hug her.
I would consider going to the police and letting them know what is going on as a heads up. They may have resources to recommend to you.
I had to go behind my husband’s back for 4 years to squirrel away some $$ so I could leave so I & my children could be safe. I didn’t have family around so it made it very difficult. Btw I had a nice inheritance & he blew a lot of it before I could start squirrel ing some aside to leave. Financial, emotional, & psychological abuse. He never hit me, but stole from me & prevented me from getting my own health care etc cause the $$ had to go to His “needs” . . .
2:54 Jesus Christ that is so terrifying 💔 no one ever deserves to ever go through that or see it.
Good luck Jolene, this will be a hard thing to do but the best thing for you and your children. Wishing you all the best ❤
Again...so glad I’m single and have NO kids. Smartest decision of my life. I’m a multi-millionaire with no debt and enjoy spending time with my nephews, nieces, family and friends. I’ve heard so many stories like this on Dave Ramsey and on this show and it just reinforces the fact that it’s better to remain single with no kids. The apostle Paul recommends staying single, unless someone is burning with lust and cannot control themselves, then he recommends getting married. Otherwise, do the smart thing and STAY single NO kids. Would’ve saved this woman a lot of heartache and pain.
The more I witness and understand the prevalence of male violence, the more I start to think you’re absolutely right.
In this case hard is right!!!
Please direct women to shelters like we have in my town, WEAVE Women Escaping A Violent Environment. If there are none then at least find an 800 number to call. Help Is There!
She said "That doesn't happen that often...
The 1st time he put his hands on her neck to choke her, that is one time too many.
Wow! This is so spot on with my husband. Abuse is so hard to deal with.
I know this is two years later . But I hope you're ok❤❤❤
Kids needs to be kids but make sure they know they can talk to an adult and not be scared to say what happens in their space. Get a counselor for them and you do not have to worry about their relationship with their dad. It is hard going through , life is hard...I love you and that is for a lady to lady. And I am myself going through and standing up for myself.i will be ok. I am working on new set of walking shoes ...
Do do not be scared.
My story. 7years in. Pray for me!🙏
Please follow the advice given to Jolene: Don't let him know you are leaving- just go.
I hope you are safe. ❤🙏
John, I love what you're doing with the channel and respect your advice immensely. You are a professional and so one should certainly head it. I'm sure then, that you will be fully equipped to handle some healthy criticism. Obviously, the people who seek advice on your show are not long-term patients/clients. I suppose what worries me is the utter extent to which a person (especially in a relationship), can, and will construct a narrative in which they been horribly and terribly abused and mistreated and yet, are in fact terrible abusers themselves, and may have never been abused in the way they have claimed. Yes, one thinks, why would someone frame their existence in such a way if it was not true (not saying that is the case with this poor woman)? Yet, in this current milieu, wherein victimhood is absolute gold, I have witnessed some very disturbing cases. In fact, there was a time in which I never would have thought such duplicity possible. Anyway, perhaps this is not a criticism of you, but rather a mistrust of any claim of victimhood altogether. Perhaps I myself need to call your show. lol Great job doc and keep up the good work, would like to hear your thoughts anyway.
The honest people in the world can benefit from his honest advice even if callers are misrepresenting the reality of their circumstances.
Therefore, there's still great benefit in the conversation even if the caller hangs up the phone and can do nothing with it because they've constructed a web of lies.
If he takes people at their word and treats the story like truth and explains what to do as if the situation is legitimate, the listeners still benefit is what I'm saying
Deep down, you feel that you yourself are a victim in some way. But you despise feeling that way because it makes you feel weak, vulnerable and unsafe. So you externalize it and direct that feeling outwardly by being suspicious of others who haven’t given you a reason to be suspicious. I recommend therapy. It can help.
Get out of there pls he needs help
It's been a year, I hope shes doing well!
This escalated SOOOO quickly. Down a very dark path
Dear caller, take heart you can leave what seems impossible. You deserve a peaceful home. You deserve whole love from fruitful relationships, even from family and friends. Your life matters. Your child's life matters. An easy first step was advice I got, get your legal paperwork out of the house before you leave, driving license or passports, birth certificates. Those boring vital things. Anything that you have joint in your name take the paperwork or make legal copies. Get them somewhere safe and out of the house.