Why overly empathic people are irresistible to narcissists
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- Опубліковано 5 чер 2020
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When you grew up abused you're hyper vigilant of your surroundings (other's emotions or mood) because your survival depended on it. In adults it makes us preoccupied anxious, people pleasers and nurturers. With no self awareness and boundaries you're a walking narc magnet.
Indeed
Great way to put it...we are often damaged in childhood and "people pleasing" is our result.
I'dsay so, becoming so boring that they put you in a comma.
Yes I think hypervigilant is the perfect term. I heard stories from when I was preverbal of how I fixated on injured people. I've had a lifetime of taking care of and rehabbing animals that others find dangerous because I see such subtle signs of affect in their body language and behavior. Always collecting data. I even became a behavioral scientist (sociologist) because I could track and trace interpersonal dynamics with an enormous attention to detail.
Well said!
The perverse thing is that narcissists actually believe that they are giving, giving, giving and never getting anything in return.
They ARE giving, giving, giving.....giving all their unwanted 💩💩💩to their chosen scapegoats.
OMGOOOSH mine would say HE was an empath and a giver !!!!
@@ambivalent5842 "Empathic" in the way they can sense others' moods and feelings so as to take advantage of them, maybe. Some would call it closer to paranoia, really.
@@cc1k435 Do you realize that could be a really ironic statement?
Ummmm
The overly empathic person is not cynical enough to notice red flags, so tend to miss most of them.
So true. I used to think I had good intuition with people but being burned a few times and attracting a few needy and toxic/narcisstic people, I've come to the conclusion that I am actually quite naive to people. My partner is much less emotionally available to strangers, and always calls them out before I can
Yeah, that one jumped out at me too!
I find that I as an empath do see the red flags, but it’s almost like we were conditioned to believe that being open and not judge people on first impressions is the correct thing to do. What I learned through narcissistic abuse is that you can ignore the flags and stay in a relationship (like with a parent) but from a place of knowledge. However I have learned and decided that for new relationships or relationships that are completely unimportant and are just part of a greater social world there’s no red flag that’s unimportant enough to ignore or some benefit big enough to endure having a narcissist around.
@@victorgonzalez2499 : I like your perspective. As I reflect on your comment I can see it’s pretty accurate. As for parents, I believe both of mine were narcs. I could, as you say, be aware, and interacted with one. The other one was more lethal. You could go on all nicey nicey for a while then abruptly all your business would be broadcast across the community with malignant twist. I had to go no-contact with her. And with my recently ex’d. I did see the red flags decades ago, but in retrospect, I understand I chose to ignore them because I thought the benefits would out weigh the risk.
So true. I'm an empath and my ex-narc girlfriend abused me with head games, put downs etc. She even got her daughter in on the head games. I knew something wasn't right but I took it from her and never said a word. Never confronted her and just let most of it go through one ear and out the other. I finally left her after 7 months. Probably less than a week after leaving her she already had pics of her new boyfriend all over Instagram. I could tell all these pics were directed at me because they were pics of things we did or had planned to do. To top it off the pics of her standing next to her boyfriend she had a devilish "smirk" on her face. Pure evil.
I’m empathetic and came from narcissistic family so all my boyfriends were narcs. My ex was a narc and after we divorced I knew to be careful and found a kind hearted man with emotional intelligence .
"a very empathic person hates the idea that someone can't benefit from love and compassion" that hits hard😢thank you!!
That moment when you realize some people use sob stories to twist your emotions to sway, do something, or entitlement to get away with everything.
People who are deficient in something have to take from those who have plenty to give.
🏆
🧛♂️
So TRUE!
Thats depletion, keeps the world spinning and the episodes keep coming.
God bless you. I really like your channel.
I am empathetic but I have come to realise that some people still spit in your face even after all the love and compassion you have shown them. It takes courage to stand up for yourself and it’s really scary, but I am working on it. Thank you for the videos you make.
❤
I'm so happy for your journey and even more proud of your bravery and courage!! Thank you for the inspiration
Empathy can make you blind for a while… until you realize there is darkness too. Taking care of yourself always comes first.
@@Sal-rj2nl maybe you're being wise not to, you can't deal with narcs. Best just to disengage with them thru indifference and boundaries, and privately shower yourself with love! It's a bullet proof plan. Stay wise, happy New Year!
very relatable. Keep it up!
Empaths provide unlimited supply of acceptance, forgiveness and selflessness, which is the perfect fuel for Narcs to thrive. We never give up on others and are constantly taking the responsibility for others’ happiness and trying to fix broken people. You are absolutely right about noticing the Narc’s abusive manipulation after children come into the picture, Dr Ramani. I was always fighting for my children’s rights with my Narc husband, while at the same time, never stood up for myself.
You put this perfectly! Going through it currently 😒
What a mirror image! Dr Ramani describe my life. When children come in, things get more difficult.
❤!
I Love You Dr. Ramani!!!💗💞💥 This is Perfection💥❤
@kshiftkometh any more of a chance if they don't? Perhaps that's where the pride belongs.
On this earth, I am the only one who is responsible to take care of my needs.
I agree. I remember one day, my daddy and I were on talking and he said, ".....if you don't take care of yourself nobody else is going to." His remark was not mean intended, but he was giving me advice about life and what he learned.
I disagree. Not if you born a child, for example.
I would correct it this way: nobody knows better what you Need, than yourself (And be Open minded).
@@prometheuspredator7971 so he took Care of you, by saying Take Care of yourself. U sure u agree? Lol
It’s crazy the damage one person can do to you Thank you Dr ❤️🙏🏻❤️
Thank you Dr Ramani. I have been healing so much through your eloquent teaching.💞
@@jaynebianca6035 that's exactly the word that comes to my mind with her.
One person sure does
Fr real i been through it lost weight and all
Lots of love from a scapegoat in India !!!!
Gavin Francis love to you from an emotional punching bag ❤️🙏🏻❤️
Gavin Francis, love and strength to you from a Survivor!❤️💪🏼
@@nelumbonucifera148 Thank you soo much....Kind hearted ppl like you give me a lot of hope admist all the chaos created by some ill-minded ppl in this world
@@Hundredacredaycare Thank you soo much....Kind hearted ppl like you give me a lot of hope admist all the chaos created by some ill-minded ppl in this world
He’s working on the next victim now... she’s such a super nice Jewish girl - tells him that by leaving her marriage for him “she’s finally doing something for herself” ... like looking in the mirror when I met him 20 years ago ...
T H A N K Y O U
The worst battle that I ever fought was between what I knew and what I felt.
Introspection is now my focus on my path to personal growth.
Would you care to expand?
What a beautiful comment, you put into words exactly what i am feeling.
🎯🎯🎯
The cognitive dissonance.
This says it all ... My body says one thing but the 'training' and then self gaslighting holds you back from knowing what's happening I totally get it 🙏🤗
That's why I live alone. I've learned to discern what people's agendas are. I am empathic. And that's a good thing. But, it's painful, letting go of so many people.
There are some I do keep in relationships, but at a very long length.
Now, I'm trying to learn how to love me.
And, yes, I'm a narcissists magnet. It's amazing!
Thank you Dr. Ramani, for validating what I intrinsically know, but didn't know why or how to deal with my gift.
@Donald Mickunas Thank you, for validating my feelings(?), or perhaps my knowing(?), of my truth.
I'm gathering from your message, that it doesn't get better, from here on out. I'm 52. I've reconciled, to a certain degree, that the gift of empathy, is one of self protection.
I've been told I'm like dear Abby. Yet, there is not one person I can trust with my feelings.
There is one who is within me. He knows my sorrows, and he cries with me. He knows my joy, and he laughs with me. Philaho. My best friend.
So, it really is a life spent, alone of people on earth. Never alone, ever.
I could have written this myself!
You are not alone. Many empaths are living alone including me. living alone is not a challenge as far as it is my choice because it is much easier than living with the wrong people/ the NARCS.
I became introverted myself but I'm feeling like I'm cutting myself off from relationships because I know there are people like this out there.
I fully relate to your answer - I have also had experiences with more or less violent and abusive narcissistic partners and what hurts me most the father of my son - (we never lived together but he had to see his son - and man that was a bad thing)-like being in a prison. I had been so silly - and knowledge is the sword we can use. Thanks so much Dr Ramani!!! I have got rid of a number of toxic people in my life - being more and more free every time. Big hugs and thank you for letting me know who I am. All my life-questions have been answered by you Dr. Ramani, comments and Dr. Carter and a few others. Seeking knowledge is the best way to get a life as an overly empathic.
I realise I am an empath who had no sense of boundaries that has attracted narcissist in the past. Now I've learnt to practice self compassion & set boundaries
Describing me. Empath not narc. Took many years to stop losing myself to trying to save others. Thought I could fix them if I loved them enough.
YES. Exactly. I gave and gave and gave some more. Until I was an empty well with nothing left to give. Now the narcissistic parents are gone and I am trying to fill up my soul again. Trying to love and care for my self, so someday I can learn to Trust again and love someone again. Only this time love someone good and kind who can love me and honor me for a change.
Yes. I didn't understand "Narc" because it's not who I am. The toxicity didn't register. Then, even though I have done tons of therapy, I became a complete, damaged, self-absorbed mess. It's only when I saw how much my involvement in toxicity was affecting others that I had to make radical changes in my life. That's still really painful.
Even God had to accept he could not save the first narc, Lucifer. If God can't help narc, what chance do you have?
Colleen, that’s it right there!! How could someone not become a better person with love, joy and fun in their life? 🙃
Omg!!! Your comment sooo resonates with me! Thank you for articulating it
Suddenly i felt like doctor is describing me. 😣 I learned my lesson on a hard way. Now once i sense a narc, i stay away asap. no to bs again.
Same. I look back and regret that I didn't leave years ago, for the sake of my child more than anything.
"Second chances again and again and again."
Before I found Dr Ramani I didn't understand what was going on. I have been enabling and contributing to the escalation of my narc. I am in the eye of the storm with my new understanding of what has been going on. The turmoil is real. I'm exhausted.
I totally get where you're coming from. It's really exhausting
When u finally have a place where u feel safe, u'll be happier than u've ever been. I moved out while he was @ work. Had to wait to go back 4 the kids. If I'd known then what he was, I never would've left the kids w/ him. Good luck.
rubymyluv1 Check out Kris Godinez on You tube also. She is a Therapist who also specializes in narcissism.
@@suzanneadamson1306 I'm so glad you were able to start over.
@@PPMOCRG thank you.
Sad lesson I have learned.. empathy did not get me anywhere in life.. I would go so far and call empathy a weakness.. I have waisted so much time and energy
You haven't wasted your time and energy, it was stolen.
Often, I feel the same way. That is why I work on learning how to love myself. We must find the right balance - to help, but not to waste our precious energy and time.
You can be still emphatic but make your boundaries higher
Empathy is the greatest gift in the world. Don’t confuse it with codependency or people pleasing
You've not wasted it John, you've just been using it on the wrong people.
Our gift of empathy in combination with the lack of knowledge of narcissism is what keeps us trapped in the void of darkness.
Growing up I was bullied for caring for people and animals by my narcissistic family.
Hope that the narcissist will one day change is what keeps us locked in.
Empaths ,now is the time to have patience and compassion with ourselves.
Remember the narcissist will never be able to express or feel empathy. And that is a terrible thing.
We were abused because we are the ones with true power. We just didn’t realize it at the time. Love you all!
Spot on. TY & TC
What a beautiful response! We love you too!!
No, they never change.
I know I have power. It's an inner voice, that puts me in the right place, at the RIGHT time to help others.
Do you have any other experience with the power we possess?
L RM, speaking for myself not only am I empathic and can feel what others feel, but I’m psychic and can feel something happening about 5 minutes before it happens. This is strongest around animals.
@@lorettanericcio-bohlman567 do u mean u have a connection to animals. Wild ones?
That's gotta be, I have no words for it. Are u able to do something about it? Change, the Lord's, plan?
Dr. Ramani i believe you have saved many people alot of pain with this information. This series has helped open my eyes to so much abuse i should have not endured. No one understands or validates my pain at least now i can value myself enough to try and not let family or other people use me. At my age the emotional pain has literally turned into intense physical pain plus all my injuries have flared up and i struggle on a daily basis to do simple tasks. God bless you for your efforts to make everone realize they have worth and recognize abuse.
Lots of strength to you. Stay strong no matter what 🙏
Same...🙏✌️👋👋
May God bless you 🙏
I lost myself in a narcissist marriage. I became a shell and had allowed myself to be destroyed, finally repairing my dignity, my self esteem, and my peace of mind and learning to forgive myself for becoming someone I don’t recognize. After the marriage it seemed that every relationship I attempted to go into there was an echo of familiarity of what I had struggled to get out of. Now, I can not tell who is genuine and who is not. At this time it feels safer to be alone….it’s too bad because I have a desire to be around people but I am also scared.
I completely understand that, I'm going through it too,😭💔😵😵💫 right this minute. I finally got FED UP for the last time today. I told him to leave, calmly for the first time. I'm done being his toy, arm candy and TORTURED SLAVE. I'd rather stay alone than be in bad company now. You can do it too dear!🫶🙌🎉👏🔥💪👸🏼🙅 learn to love yourself the way you wish you were loved as a child 💖😘😘😘💖🫶😭❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥
I feel the same ..better off and safer alone for fear of making the same mistakes
I’m on the same boat. ❤
Love you Doctor! You are a true life saver to the empaths of the world❤️
I’m learning to set boundaries and not let people run me over..🥰
When I started seeing my mother as sick, it did help me. I use the quarantine model. She is so sick she can't help but infect others. Putting her in quarantine (no contact) was an act of LOVE for both of us. I wouldn't say I'm "hyper" empathic tho. I did spend a lot of time trying to figure out why mom was the way she was. I do feel a tiny amount of guilt over doing enough with her and my narc sister. Boundaries help both parties.
Whew..! ⚡ That analogy.. 💣
@Mystery Rosebud all the best back at ya.
Narcissistic manipulate empathy people they fall for the fake personality unfortunately
As a woman, and after a few decades of living, I’ve come to conclusion my greatest pleasure and joy is to please my close friends and romantic partners. This is not patting myself on the back as some “holier than thou” paragon of virtue, because there’s a very definite selfish side to this behavior. Their pleasure is a huge payoff for me. Nothing..and I mean NOTHING.... is more fun! But I’ve also learned that except for a very, VERY few reciprocal relationships, giving in to that urge to please has a very dark side. I’ve created so many entitled takers and I can clearly see that I was responsible for at least 50% (or more) for the creation of these monsters. So now I stifle my natural urges.... it’s not my nature, but I do it anyway. It’s not my nature to limit my diet and to exercise, but I do it anyway because I know it’s good for me. Is it as fun? No! Is it necessary for my mental, emotional, physical, and often financial health? Absolutely!
there's nothing wrong with giving but make sure to find people who will reciprocate
Same here, I know exactly what you saying. We do need the bounderies tho, I have realized this only after I got with an autoimmune disease, and since then I keep trying to stay away from toxic people.
"You don't have a mean bone in your body " wasn't a compliment from a NPD with anger issues. "You ask nothing, and give everything"...from the last. Hope I've learned my lesson.
I recall being told I was "such a sweet, agreeable person." In narc lingo, that pretty much means I was a doormat. Gives me chills now to think of how he used my kindness against me.
You have.. You are now armed with the knowledge to fight
@@lionsdencoaching6457 Yes. I remember a comment from a non-Narc but that later struck me to demonstrate that I have been Narc chum...."If I can't make it work with you, I can't make it work with anyone." I've put in a lot of work to try to change this.
Yet they love to call everyone crazy.
You haven't
My therapist tells me my abundance of love is what’s going to make me an amazing mom and wife ❤️ I just have to learn boundaries
My new mantra esp. for the narcissist in my life is, I cannot set myself on fire 🔥 to keep you warm.
I love what you said about how having empathy for ourselves is the most important empathy of all. I think as empaths we often worry so much about other people, that we don't take the time to care for ourselves.
I’m an empath survivor of a malignant covert narc. I’m still struggling to find a job I can fit into and find my footing while he is already getting remarried. It’s hard. I’m finally coming into my power very slowly. I’m learning to be authentic and have boundaries. I’m letting go of toxic shame and forgiving myself and others. I’m waking up to how powerful I can be as an empath. I see how I will learn from past mistakes and heal, but my ex will not change or ever be truly happy. No situation is permanent. I’ll find my peace ✌🏻☯️ and be balanced and healthy. I think it’s taken me longer to recover because I’m such a strong empath, but I will come out of this with more wisdom.
It takes a lot of time to work through, so good for you to keep getting through it day by day.
Michele, relationships (to me) are about quality not quantity. Wishing you a quality-filled life. 💐
Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Love and prayers for you ❤️.
LOL! “Too sensitive” was my middle name growing up though I believe my family was truly loving and accepting. Unfortunately it’s been a lifetime of relationships w narcs. Even when I thought I had this narc thing figured out I landed a scapegoat who couldn’t see his narc family before his very eyes. Once again I fell into the rabbit hole of trying to save someone. It didn’t work. Now, guess who is alone after a year of pointing out the family dynamics (not even knowing there was such a thing as "cult-like narc family"), me being called "mean-spirited & petulant"? I thought I was loosing my mind! Smh. I pray never again. And Thank You, Dr. Ramani, for your incredible gift of all these wonderful videos!
You will be called crazy, a liar, too sensitive or mean-spirited if you dare to tell the truth or expose a major problem in a family or group. The elephant in the room is often blatantly obvious to outsiders but seems invisible to narcissistic leaders or those who gain power or benefits by being in the elite and precious inner circle.
I can relate so much.. 🙈
I can relate to this, I've experienced the same. After learning a lot about narcissism I realized the same (very disturbing) dynamics in my boyfriend's family. I don't want to save him, but I want to make him realize the truth... Of course, it's almost impossible and I feel alone.
So true. I had to cut off my family due to issues going back to childhood and up to that date that my father refused to deal with. Very sad and (potentially) scary situation developed that I had to say that I was done. It was very easy to fix, but he would not stand up to the family member. I took ALOT of grief even at his funeral two years later. If I had to do it again, I would not change a thing.
I was her emotional punching bag because I didn't want her to feel abused like explained to me in her past relationships............😏😒🙄
Happening to me now . . . 😔
i spent 38 years of marriage almost like that it seems 6 months ago we separated i educated myself now im capable of understanding her i think she is malignant but i prayed for her a lot i know only god can help her i talked to her today i still love her i dont think it could ever be the same again you know their is hope !!!!!!!!!!!!!! i made 3 friends today cemented a lifelong friendship with another impath ,all in 1 day dont ever give up hope failure is just an opportunity for us to do better it really depends in how much preporation you want to put into your next relationship you are guilty to some degree of everything you were accused of i know i eas so i became a better person so i cant be accused of any of it now a lotttttttttttt of wor am i happier i made 3 very good friends in just 1 day JESUS TRUELY ANSEURS PRAYER AMEN PLEASE HAVE A HAPPY DAY AND START HELPPING OTHER PEOPLE I COULD GO ON FOR HOURS BYeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
@@rctempleton9711 must be such a good feeling to know their are others going through the same feelings you are...I crave that too.
@@kevinc112 you have to get out at all cost. "No Contact" is the only way to go. It's not healthy for you to stay. My ex is a very beautiful woman but that wasn't enough to stay. She's very manipulative is subtle ways and its all for her benefits the expense of my emotional well being.
Get out now if possible 😐
Been there.. 🙈
The thing about being an empath that's most debilitating is the blind spot that comes from the failure to recognize that someone who claims to love you could intentionally try to hurt you. Empaths feel things so deeply that the idea of trying to inflict extra pain is just crazy to us. Other people seem to take that in stride. It took me 4 decades before that point really got driven home for me. Life is already so painful, why would anyone want to manufacture pain for another? Still a mystery to me, but I just recognize it as truth now and skip the grappling to understand.
Yes thank you this .
This really resonates with me. Thanks
The day I learned about personality disorders was the day I was able to decide to walk away from a 15 year toxic marriage. That’s why Dr. Ramani’s work is so very important. And it always resonates with me when she says “no one deserves to be abused”
You just nailed a friend relationship that I walked away from. She has moved onto another empathetic person and is sucking him dry. It is sad to watch.
Had to walk away from my best friend 10 years ago. I reached out to get some gun training from her husband since he is a hunter and helped me so many years ago. Things were going well visiting with them until she kept probing and I offered up one piece of update that I bopped myself mentally as soon as it was out of my mouth. She has always tried to control me and tell me how to live my life (i'm in my 50's). She even texted me last night telling me how I should have handled what I said. At least it gave me concrete proof of why I ended our friendship.
@@bmbutler2 this woman took a personal story I had told her and twisted it as her own. I felt so violated. That was when I knew the relationship had to end.
This is why I always find a way to call them out, though it ultimately is about giving myself the reassurance I've done everything I can so I can move on and not ruminate and worry.
@@iluminet keeping your mental health is way more important than feeding a Narcissist"s ego. Rock on
But I feel like empathic people are deep enough to seek out and find the truth. Eventually.
Maybe, but not before their self esteem and mental health are destroyed.
I’m an empath and was definitely affected but I’m far from destroyed, thank God. I’m also THANKFUL because now my eyes are wide open.
Agreed
@Maud Carter yeah i can recognize it a lot quicker now...i mistook it for "chemistry" before :/
Empaths can grow. Narcs are vampires who are stuck in a state of dependency.
Learning about narcissism changed my worldview in a very depressing way. It's hard to accept that the world is filled with people without morals who only can exploit others.
Ditto. I'm getting to the other side of that ditch & life is @ age 60 looking like it's going to be Ok or Betr...
This is exactly what I do, I need to care as much for myself as I do for others.
This was me for a very long time. Hell...to this day even tho we sleep in seperate rooms, my narc uses my empathy and emotions to his advantage. 10 years I dealt with alot of emotional, verbal, mental and even some physical abuse. I tried so hard to "fix" him and his anger issues. No amount of love and caring will suffice for these life sucking vampires. They will pretend it does to help them out but once u stop serving ur purpose for them or they can no longer control u...surely u will be discarded. Dont ignore those red flags or think u can make it better. It really only damages you in the long run. They are fine living life the way they live it..they think they do everything the right way. You kno, my way or the highway kinda thing.
they absolutely never ever eveer change.
@@fifjfsdbfydd7904 they can fake it or pretend they did but yes u are right. They NEVER change and will always slip back.
TRUTH!
“Empathy is meant to be reciprocal”
Empath here. ✋
Every word you spoke is pure truth. Thank you.
This is so me! I’m in the process of extricating myself from a toxic 40 year relationship. I truly need all the support I can get right now. Your videos are a wonderful resource. I can’t thank you enough Dr. Ramani!
Stay strong. I am in the process mentally and physically trying to get myself out of this relationship. 30 years.
40 yrs for me too😮.
Also Dr.Les Carter and Leslie Vernick are great resources. Thx Dr. Ramani! You’re so helpful and spot on!
It's not my job to give anyone a psychological assessment. Just be you. I'm not going to try and change You, if you can't see what your doing wrong, Maybe someone will tell you some day, if you can't figure it out for yourself. You have the ability to heal yourself and you don't need me to hold your hand.
my dad was one, thought my brother wasnt...went no contact for 5 years, recently tried to re-engage with my brother, that didnt go well at all. my problem is that i now worry everyone I know is a narc or when I meet someone I am so worried and cautious. if someone tries to be nice, I immediately am suspicious and act cold to keep them away. my adult son is one too. everything is such a struggle. thanks for the video...showed me I'm repeating a pattern without realizing it.
My Father and Sister were/are Narcs. It set me up for countless Narc relationships-work, school,friends and lovers. I am aware of them now. I do not want any new friendships. I have only two remaining friendships and I feel distant from them. I think sometimes I pretend to be warmer and closer than I feel because I am hyper vigilant and I do not trust. I am suspicious of everyone's motives. I really just want to be alone with myself most if the time. I still feel things deeply, but I squelch any thoughts of taking empathic actions.
Narcissistic parent's raise narcissistic children. The fact that your son is narcissistic says alot.
I used to attract narcissists (maybe I still do, I don’t know) but I’m in a healthy relationship with someone right now. A safe way to spot non-narcissistic people for me is that they seem more „boring“. They don’t have that magnetic feel and the thrill that you get when you meet a narc. They aren’t overly nice and don’t go out of their way to prove their niceness to you, they are just very comfortable to be around. You don’t get a rollercoaster of emotions with them, but instead you get a breath of fresh air. Maybe this helps you spot them!
@@larajost6831 thank you! I agree about fresh air feeling from non narcissistic people. Not long time ago I found out that my I thought few friends are toxic. When I don’t have contact to them I feel free and easy. I feel narcissistic ppl feel like a big burden to carry and sometimes it’s difficult to spot them. They seem use hidden manipulation and sweet masks. And the signs showed really early but I was defending and didn’t believe what I felt. That is the saddest part for empathic people.
@@kipholder8577 Not necessarily true. I had a narc mother and I was the Family Scapegoated empath. This gene of Cain usually skips a generation at least in one of the children.
You are so right I left my daughter’s father when she was in 3rd grade as I could not justify my daughter seeing me being abused..as I believe that our children will reflect their relationships in their own..I recently reentered another narcissistic relationship after my parents died and I was vulnerable...I realize now after two years😢
So hurtful as he knew what happened with my daughter’s father! Be vigilante my friends ...we’ve got this and we can heal and have good friends and mates
Don't ever tell someone you just met everything about yourself. That's how they trick you to see if they can use you.
Protect yourself and your daughter's emotions. You're doing great by realizing these things. Its very hard to come to terms with. Its not your fault. You will rise above this.
@@edelweissdebergbaldrian7696 my ex tried to get me to tell her personal stuff but I'm already a private person. I've always been cautious of what tell people. She told me a couple of times "I want to learn about you". I dont think ever had anybody in life tell me that. Since she never seemed interested in my "regular" conversations i reserved all the good stuff lol.
Did you leave?
Joy Coker I did Joy ❤️
Being able to recognize a toxic person is sooo important. There’s usually red flags at the get go. But it’s so easy to give into when you’re lonely and want to be friendly. Be kind but also set boundaries.
Being a narcissist is a bliss. They don’t feel anything. Empaths are doomed. We are idiots.
Asli Oz exactly...
just become an empathetic narcissist😆
trust me they suffer more
Wow. This was spot on for me. I am a Christian and believe in forgiving people as many times as it takes but I mistook forgiveness with being a doormat. Now, I will forgive from afar. My misuse of my empathy garnered me 2 autoimmune diseases and a lot of anxiety.
If they don't repent then you do what is commanded in 2 Tim 3:5. You don't keep forgiving someone who keeps murdering your family. You get away from them. Same goes for narcs who keep attempting to murder your soul.
And yes, you forgive from afar....(took me many years to get to that stage however).
Sometimes I lament being highly empathic because I can't stop myself from doing everything I can to help someone even when I'm burnt out... Worst of all, no one is ever there for me when I need it lol... I also can't be in a good state when someone in my care is distressed which adds to the pain I'm already dealing with...
The scariest thing that I have seen time and time again is how quickly people will discard you, and then it's all scorched earth. Sometimes that loving beautiful person you knew for years and thought you found a true friend forever in, then *snap* can change to a stranger you never knew, burning every bridge along the way. Only using their intimate knowledge of you to hurt and threaten you. Cultivating that deeply with another person just isn't possible for a lot of people now.
Grew up as a narcissist family scapegoat. Went no contact at 25 after dating a narcissist for 5 years!
Now I’m 28. Moved from one side of the US TO THE OTHER SIDE! (Philadelphia to California)
Wild reality! … whole world shaken up! But gotta keep going
Seriously, in those series, you are talking so much about my life experiences that it's nearly unbelievable. I am learning with every video. I do well. I am not expecting things i was expecting before, especially from my parents and husband. I am learning to live by myself and trust myself. It is very uplifting to know that after many years, i now know that i never been that crazy sick individual that my father tried to persuade me. I see his games now and i am protecting myself. Life is not easy,no but it is more manageable with this knowledge i have now. Thank you Dr. Ramani, i wish i could meet you in person.🌸🌸
Me too... Even I want to meet Dr. Ramani
This one landed hard for me.... thank you Dr. Ramani.
I don't agree with "overly" or "too" empathic. It's a spiritual gift and a sign of maturity. And yes, magnets for those self-seeking people who abuse and manipulate. This has been the theme of my life to discern who is who and to trust my intuition when I pick up feelings about unsavory energies. I've gotten really good at walking away from them and not looking back. I shut them down in their tracks now at age 62. They can't get into my life anymore. Thanks to your videos, I have become knowledgeable about the nuances of the narcissist. You are so right on. No more second chances. No more unreciprocated relationships. Empaths deserve to be loved and respected.
I'm noticing the narcs in these comments doing the classic 'project their own begavior onto the empath' manouver myself. Sometimes narcissists go so far as attempted murder. They have ZERO empathy, like zombies, the walking dead. Completely cut off from divinity and activly seeking to extinguish any light that they see. But that is just my experience, your results may vary
I am overly empathic person, it's so sad and unbelievable horrible to attract these evils. that's why they are crazy to me, I don't want these shits, and the person who should change is me. 🍀🍀🍀🌻🌻
Dr. Ramani. Question that I would love to hear you speak on (if you haven’t already) - Why is it that narcs can get upset and “lose it” when they don’t like something, but yet when you reach your limit and finally lash out after years of abuse, they can remain so calm? Thanks in advance for considering this as another UA-cam video. (PS. Your channel is the BEST on the topic of narcissism. Love it and You! You are so clear and concise in what you speak about and you are so easy to listen to. Thank you for this channel)
This is an important point that identifies a narcissist:
They become frustrated, distant, angry etc when you are feeling/doing/looking well. They hate that.
But when you become frustrated/sad/angry they become very calm, indifferent, even smirk and laugh. They love that.
They hate when others are happy and empowered. They love when others are upset or failing.
Sometimes it’s hard to join the dots but it eventually comes to light.
The Harm of Me is the NARC s Harmony
I am a very empathic person (raised by very empathic parents), but I also have emotional dysfunction as a symptom of multiple sclerosis. Tied with only a very basic idea of narcissism, the narcissist in my life must have seen me as an ideal target.
You find some people show you they don't deserve your empathy. Use it sparingly.
Being raised with a narcissistic father I wound up dating narcissistic girls. Then I married one and stayed with her for 18 years. Then after the divorce I dated two more narcissists. Finally, I am seeing a therapist to get my feet on solid ground. It’s really helping.
Thank you Dr. Ramani. This video was beautifully spoken and thoughtfully prepared. Chock full of truths. Damage from parents/ siblings to a younger empath is so lasting. I am now married to a Covert Narc. but only recently started figuring out these patterns. Trying to safely make my Exit Plan now.
I will need to be vigilant for the rest of my life because sadly, Narcassism feels so "familiar" to me. Thank you for helping me & so many others.
Super hard pill to swallow indeed. My mind and heart could not compute a rationale without this valuable knowledge! Only when I stumbled upon narcissism while trying to find a rationale, the epiphany of truth hit me. Once armed with the truth and education, the painful process of acceptance and detachment began. I’m 3 years in, still no contact, and still here educating myself. THANK YOU for this gift Dr. Ramani!
I hope you are in your 4th year now. Going through the 1 phase right now, discovering why i felt wrong and stumpled on this video. And the pain in realising what i was and why i felt so bad in the relationship. Was drawn to the very idea, that i could heal if i gave just a little more. Sadly, i just ended up depleted. Stay strong!
Sometimes I feel that the way life works is unfair, having empathy is a good thing and being a giver but always met with someone who only receives
That's my issue. Sticking around with people who do not deserve it.
My mum used to tell me like all the time be a good person, be understanding, be sweet ,help others Even in the cost of self ,be respectful n listen to what mommy says n follow it , u will have a good life if u listen to others specially mom like every single thing she says , always take her side even if she is wrong,never stand up for yourself don't be a problematic person ,u don't see and tell people what they have done wrong . .. etc these were the teachings of my mom it sounds sweet but it is a training to be a people pleaser. I had faced a lot because of her.
Boundaries are everything. But when we never learnt to put up those boundaries at a young age, it is something we have to learn later on. It doesn’t come naturally for us.
I used to be this way and I feel like between going through continually being attacked and beat up by the world, my covert narc MIL and gaslighted by my husband, I've become very angry about the way I've been treated. I'm angry that they target my children, especially the fact that my MIL saw how important my children are to me and she aimed at them because if it. Angry that my husband continually told me to turn off those feelings when he needed me to ignore the abuse from his mother and now he wonders why I'm not that sweet little doormat anymore.
Yeah, codependency means to stuff up so much anger
So true! My awakening happens when I start to read about narcissism. I wake up after 58 years of abuse from 4 members of my narcissistic family.
Wow, 58 years was when I also woke 19 months AGO.
This made me cry. I am so empathetic and I hate it. I attract narcissistic people over and over again. Even when I’m not looking for them.
I’m on my 100,000 chance with my bpd highly narcissistic husband. 13 years of being together.
I also tend to issue second chances because I would want the same and know how it feels to be treated poorly and don’t want anyone to hurt in a lot of the ways I have. Womp I guess being a good person can come with a cost if you are blinded by red flags and see them as something to love the hurt out of not to be like oh I should probably self preserve here and bow out.
Please bow out by red flags.
Don't you love yourself? Plan your retreat. Life is so short.
Emilee, you deserve a 13 year sabbatical 💐
Thank you, thank you, thank you, Dr. Ramani😘What a compassionate and powerful video! I cannot thank you enough for understanding us, helping us recognize, cheering for us, guiding us and urging us not to eliminate, but rather share this beautiful quality called "empathy" with those that reciprocate and nurture. Thank you for all this and more without shaming us for who we truly are! Lots of love and light to you 💛🌟
A Narcissist is the most pitiful, sorryful being on this earth. 🙄💯🔥
Empaths are often made by over bearing narcissists in child hood. We have no choice but to put their needs first and this sets up the pattern for life..
Thank you for this! I finally realize I am an empath and have always attracted narcs in my life. I really wish I had known about all of this years ago. One of the narcs in my life used to tell me I was too nice, almost like a threat. That always confused me. Now I get it.
Thank you Dr. You're such a great service to the world. It would be great to have a show on the difference between codependent and empath
i'm the empath. what i'm NOT is a fool. what i'm NOT is a no self-esteem, low self-esteem person. this was my first time dealing with an individual like this. THANK YOU, LORD, less than 3 weeks into the roller coaster ride i'm NOW fasting and praying for healing for myself AND the individual who is NOT allowed into my personal space as he is.
I AM PERFECTLY OK WITH LETTING HIM GO! HE'S GONE. I DON'T FEEL GUILTY. i went through my disappointment and pain. i'm almost fully healed through prayer and fasting. I'M GOOD!
i'm NOT ok with and it's NOT GOOD that i NOT pray and fast and wish and hope and manifest that he takes responsibility for his healing ONE DAY, hopefully soon!
This can make the empathic person sick we strive till the end. It is very dangerous. I had also repetition compulsion.
It is kinda scary how accurately this describes the emptiness and guilt I felt after the relationship ended: I didn't try hard enough, didn't love hard enough, wasn't understanding enough, was not patient enough... was not enough. Thank you for these videos because they really helped the fog lift!
Sure wish I could sit on your couch! Newly discovered empath here!🙋♀️🙄
3 yrs ago I saw this post, heard every truth being said, cried my heart out, in fear of living that moment. River of tears forward, still caught in the same household, with illness now, I rewatch from another point of view, not a year drop. I know better now. I'm not strong enough to leave yet but I will be, the time in between, not much change except my kids are bullying me around but for me, it's baby steps, I recognize it's the broken person I chose to marry but yrs later, I have no more tears...it's about my healing myself, I hope and pray he hits rock bottom without his complying family.
I am a victim of horrendous child abuse by all my 'family'. I was always trying to appease the mother so she wasn't angry with me as she always was. I believe I became a 'people pleaser', I had zero boundaries, so allowed everyone to walk all over me, and never stick to agreements. I would always forgive them with their platitudes! Until I had this huge realisation - 'These people that I called 'friends' are narcissists'! It was always all about them! Not anymore!
I needed to know this information 26 years ago, but I'm glad I can be an advocate by sharing these gems with others.
30 years of trying to make it work with a covert narcissist. This is me, and it hits home very hard. It wasn't until we had a child together that I really started calling out his behaviors. He was really good at going through the motions of looking like he was trying. I tried everything, I've read so many books on relationships, parenting, we went on couples retreat/workshops, my son has been in behavioral therapy since he was 8, he's now 15. I've been in therapy for the past 5 years. My husband for the last 2. I suspected bipolar disorder (I still do, cyclothymia). The evaluation said no, despite several therapists and psychiatrists that he encountered suggesting he look into getting evaluated. He chose to stop therapy after the evaluation. No one until my current therapist even suggested hubs may be a narcissist. He fits the covert description to a TI am completely drained. I am here because of my son. I need to be here for him, even though my depression has made me a shadow of the kind of mother I want to be. I'm stuck. I want to leave, yet feel too damaged to even be able to get a job. Due to my husbands job we have had to move, so getting a job of my own was not easy over the past 18 years. It was impossible once our son was born, as he is also "too sensitive" and needed me to help him navigate life with a narc dad. Ive tried to reach out for help but there is no real help, just attempts at kind words... or worse- you need to fix that, or work on it... I can't do the emotional whiplash anymore, my brain won't allow it. I can't let him put our son through the same emotional whiplash that I've endured. I have no clue how I will get out, especially now with everything being shut down due to Covid19. I hate and am angry that I believed in the power of love, compassion, and being deeply committed to one another. Those beliefs led me to having a broken heart, having my entire being broken. I feel like a failure and a loser. 30 years I gave to this exercise in futility. Why did I choose to follow my heart versus the advice of my friends at 18 yrso? I never thought I'd have to start over at 50 yrso. The only positive out of this all is my son.
I left because he started to mistreat our son and I couldn't stand it anymore. I chose to save ourselves over him.
Golly have a fallen for so many traps when it came to my toxic ex best friend...I was manipulated, gaslighted, invalidated, devalued, belittled, baited...the abuse was horrific. I am done with her for good.
This video was meant for me. Thank you.
Dr. Ramani, once again, your video speaks perfectly to my life. I appreciate everything you've said here today. You speak truth and wisdom. Everytime I watch one of your videos, I learn something new about myself and the world. Education is power and you are definitely educating the human race about Narrsacism. Knowledge is what finally set me free of my abusive marriage. The empathy I had for him is now the empathy I have for myself and my life today is SO much more peaceful. I heard from a friend that my ex has someone new. I feel bad for her because she's now in the hell I was in. Hopefully, one day she'll get knowledge too. But in the meantime MY life is golden and full of peace and alot of that is because of teachers like you :)
When I realised that it didn't matter whether or not I gave my Narc Ex everything I had, and that he would still discard me at a whim it helped give me clarity that things were never going to get better and this is what my life was going to be from now on. I wanted more. 🍒
I am no longer empathic to a fault. I have much healthier boundaries and I recognize the wolf in sheep’s clothing as soon as I meet them. I am so thankful a counselor educated me on NPD, she was spot on and saved my life and sanity. Never again!!!
He just found another empath and left me once I had nothing else to give 😢
same here, but remember, now we are more wise and we will stay away from people who are not good for us. Stay strong
Trey Lovely lol why?
God bless you Dr Ramani! Thank you so much! 💖
I’m always drawn to narcissists and always hurt.
This is exactly everything ive tried to explain my ownself!! 😢😮❤
Oh my God. This so fits everything my wife has put me through for over 27 years of marriage that took place because she asked me to marry her and because she "needed" me I said yes. It has been a nightmare (even worse for her) but I've grown in many ways including overcoming alcoholism. I have even started to think about myself and what I need. But most of all I realize I have a real gift of listening and understanding most people and a few times without even knowing what I was going to say and without offering solutions or corrections I touched and healed them with my words. These experiences seemed to be the first steps in admitting what I have always known. Nothing changes if nothing changes. What I feel right now is best said in the words of Martin Luther King. Free at last.....I will always love her and will always be careful to do nothing to hurt her, but also I must put myself first. At 62 I still feel young and I feel there are people I can have a positive effect on if I don't use myself up on a lost cause. Thank-You Doctor.
Dan I may have a close experience to yours...So many years but something was always off too. We didn't get closer in our marriage. We produced fairly descent connections to our children but grew further apart in our marriage. Soon I figured out there was never a team effort to work on our relationship only the constant making her dreams come true. Took me 22 yrs of it to finally wake up. I hope 60 is not the end but a new beginning.
This is a breath of Fresh air ❤ Thank you so much Dr. Ramani have a beautiful day
I’m exhausted and hope I still have the energy to be genuinely empathetic. Like I feel like I could sleep for a couple of years.
I had no idea I was hyper vigilant until I was sitting in the weight room one day at college practice and a coach said “you stare a lot.” To me, I was just looking around normal but to him I was staring. At this point I don’t even know how to look at people without it being soul piercing. I have very warm green eyes but I have been told people feel intimidated by me even looking at them. Ive dealt with narcissist parents and friends/relationships my whole life. Never felt safe as a child with just my mom. She was always off doing stuff and I spent a lot of time home alone. I’ve come to realize people don’t like being seen as they are. My radar is always scanning to see who is worthy of giving empathy to and who is a vulture. It’s honestly an exhausting way to live, in wish I could just be empathetic towards everyone all the time, but every time I’ve done that I get burned bad. So now my empathy is very strategic. Sometimes I feel like I’m narcissistic for being selectively empathetic but that’s how I survived. Unfortunately, it’s made me look at almost all social dynamics in terms of predator/prey/neutral dynamics. I know that to be the healthy version of the predator you use things not people. A lot of people don’t seem to get that and love things and use people. I always thought this was 3rd grade stuff but apparently not 🤷
I’m an empath and I’m ready to start speaking for myself..... thanks for your great knowledge
We have a saying in German:
"What is the opposite of good? - Meant well."
I stay away from people that mean well all the time.
Many times they have an egostistical agenda and they don't care about boundaries.
I feel better with no self-proclaimed mother Teresas in my life.
I issued chance after chance, until I was hurt so bad that I realized that I was hurting myself with a lack of boundaries. Once I realized that, and left the situation, I felt like I broke a lifelong spell.
I keep seeing comments about empaths having "plenty to give" or "too much to give" but...
The ironic thing is empaths that grew up in toxic environments DON'T have abundance to give. If anything, we should be hoarding our emotional energy. Healing is a life long process. We NEED to keep that to sustain ourselves.
But narcs hone in on us, because they know we'll continue to pay for their emotions when our bank account is negative. Because we never want to be the reason ANYONE suffers, because we know what true suffering is like.
It's disgusting and evil.