U can’t say that.. That u and your mom weren’t enough for him.. U were an innocent child who probably loved both your parents.. Your parents had problems that had nothing to do w u.. He is the one who left, he was the one w the problem.. Being married is the hardest job u will ever have, being a parent is the most important job u will ever have..
My dad acted like a playboy., my mom ran her own private night club and my dad ran around and drank.. when she divorced him, he never got over it til the day he died..
To know oneself one has to love oneself.. He didn’t like who he was cuz he had a hard time showing love, he had regrets, and maybe he thought that he was just too late that u should’ve written him off.. I think it’s more of self loathing..
No u stay a father because it’s the right thing to do.. nowadays it’s hard for people to do the right thing, and most don’t even feel guilty or bad when they do the wrong thing.. THAT is narcissistic.. Having no emotion..
the reason for that is because you cannot act or say with complete freedom. you would be judged by that person. you have to limit yourself. when you are alone you are totally free which is why it feels better to be alone than with a narcissist.
I think these days dysfunctional is the norm. Then again, the "dysfunctional" had bad parents of their own. And they had their own. And them, their own. And so on and so forth. It's only with the dawn of psychology and psychiatry that things have been categorised and labelled. Maybe people are just people. We try to be civilised but we're just intelligent animals. Some not so intelligent. There are not enough psychiatrists in the world to heal all of the people who need it. We're doomed to repeat things, over and over again.
That's true, and well said - in a relationship between two healthy, stable and rational people. That's never how it works with narcissists, though. The only person who can change a narcissist is the narcissist him/herself, and they think they're perfect in every conceivable way. So why on earth would they want to change and control themselves? They have to control and make the other person change, because if something is wrong in the relationship, it's always the other person's fault. It's exhausting!
I lost my brother to suicide in 2022. 4 days before he hung himself, his last cry for help was to tie the rope to a tree at my parents' house, which he was living at. He also left the ladder next to the hanging rope and went about his day. My dad freaked out on him and said he better not do anything stupid at "HIS HOUSE" He also told him to imagine how his friends, nephews, parents, feel after losing their kid to hanging himself. 4 days later, my brother actually did it. My father had a golden opportunity to get my brother help but chose to make the situation about himself. Now, he gets to play the victim and make the situation about himself for the rest of his life. 🙄
I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sorry that you experienced that. I pray your strength in the LORD IN JESUS' NAME. AMEN. Yes. They ALWAYS find a way to include them and make it about themselves.
What an awful thing to have happen. My Narc. cousin drove his son to do the same. I'm afraid that Empathy and compassion escape them and may not even be possible for them. Its like this disorder has spiritually color blinded them. They only see in black and white with a viscousness that kills all joy around them. All without knowing what they do and the damage it has caused. Out of fear and self loathing this evil comes out of them. We can forgive this debt, but it does not mean that we have to endure their abuse any longer. Amen.
Yep, and the "I don't deserve this." ..... not an apology that his son didn't deserve being abandoned..... still with the "It's all about me." Narcissist to the end.
I can only say man, that your narcissistic father leaving at 4 years old was probably the best thing that could have happened to you even if it may never seem it. I've got 19 years of memories of that yelling and screaming. My child hood was a 24/7 war zone.
I totally agree...Staying with a narc parent is more harmful then just being there and staying bk with family and abusing them day and night..That breaks the kid to the extreme level no human should experience..n the biggest problem the kid themselves feel they are the problem as they dont want to accept that the parent is abusive
my father's last words to me were "u ruined my marriage!" he never took any responsibility for the 56 years of toxicity between him and my mother, they both used me as a scapegoat for their demented relationship.
My Mom is a narcissist. My Dad was the most loving man the world has ever known. He stayed with her......for us. He KNEW that his presence was paramount to having a good upbringing. His stability and love was the light that guided us to good lives with good relationships and good children of our own. It was a gift He gave us that I didn't recognise until after he was gone. He put up with her BS for 67 years. He did love her, no doubt. But he was treated horribly, as we were, but he stayed. He loved her as well as us kids. Above all else, he conquered. We all have good loving families because of the love he showed us and the blueprint he gave us on HOW to be a good parent. I miss you Dad. Thank You.
That sounds like an unbelievably strong man right there. Sacrificed himself for the ones he loved. The pain he had to go through to break the curse for his children. That’s a man.
I could easily say this about my Mum. Except 2 out of 5 of us kids have continued the cycle of dysfunction and abuse. Me, I made sure the father of my kids was polar opposite to my psycho violent abusive father. My Mum never knew her biological father (coz of her mother). Her mother (my Nan), had a violent psycho father and she married the first guy that asked her- just to get away from her father. Her mother died quite young with stage 4 cancer after my Nan and her siblings managed to ‘kidnap’ their mother away from their psycho father so she could see a doctor and then find out the awful news. My great grandmother never went back to her psycho husband. He died alone, not being found for 3 days coz no family wanted to go near him. My Nan never loved her first husband and during the depression he went away and my Nan thought she had been abandoned. Nan met my mother’s father and fell in love. Coz she fell pregnant to him while married and he begged her divorce her husband, but divorce was so shameful she didn’t. And her husband begged her to not divorce him and as soon as a mum was born he never let her forget she cheated on him. She had one child to him but because it was a girl her husband continued his affairs and abuse until she saved enough money to divorce him which was a big deal in the early 1940’s. Unfortunately my Mum grew up with major issues as whom she knew as her father treated her terribly. Mum got a step father at 15 and he was a lovely man. But the damage was done. Mum married a psycho abuser too. 😵💫. Never divorced him I think now coz of her abandonment issues. Instead my father abused her to her grave- literally coz I was there and it’s only been 2 years since Mum died and I am still disgusted to my core at my father. I went no contact for my own mental heath, a week before M went to hospital to die. I moved very far away at 21, and that is how I learned to heal and not repeat the mistakes of the previous 3 generations of my mother’s family in marrying a psycho abuser. I know my Nan and Mum were very happy with my darling husband and knew I was finally safe- that my kids were safe.
I have a friend whose father in law thought he was that but in reality he was a denier and would not protect the kids from the narc mother . I have figured out that if you can't stand up to your wife to protect your kids you are not a real man. He took a job as a long haul trucker so he was gone 5 days a week. Those 5 days the kids lived in hell.
If there's anything I've learn from a narcisist, it's that NOTHING is ever enough for them. It's like they have a gaping hole inside of them, and they just don't know what to fill it with. You could give them the world and it still wouldn't satisfy them.
So I'm a narcisist, because I have a gapping hole that can't be filled, because I cna't be content. but then I'm like bi polar because my younger self can by child self, but since I was raped. I split and part of me is never satisfied, because of the why? I never knew why and I spent years and years of an anger growing and finally get to a point where I was able to love myself but that part of me that was angry could never be satisfied, because what happened to me was unacceptable. but part of me accepted it, and this created a division in me, and I just wanted the part of me that accepted what happened to be, accept that is reasonable for me to be angry about that kind of action. and I did achieve that at one point, but then it is like something inside of me was still broken. Or rather I tried to fix something that wasn't broken, because I tried to fix my anger instead of allowing my anger to be and point it in a way that would help others.
@@santosdr2 Everyone has 2 wolves inside them. They are polar opposites of each other, and THEY FIGHT ONE ANOTHER. For you, one is deep seated insatiable anger, and the other is not. Which wolf wins? You ask? The one you feed the most. Native American Proverb.
That's just not true.... I have been called a narcissistic. I reflected on my life. I reflected on what I did with my life, who I hurt, things I did, things I said. I did some amazing things with my life. I did some terrible things with my life. I had multiple relationships with people, with wonderful people, with hateful people. The problem with me though is, I don't actually KNOW if I'm the narcissists. I was told I wasn't needed in my life. I was told to give up, I had some really bad influences in my life, and some good ones. I been through a lot of trauma in my life. And to be honest, I was just looking for who I am. Despite some bad relationships I had with family and people. I seen some amazing things and qualities in people. I see the good and the bad. Maybe I am the narc, maybe I'm not, but, I self reflect on my own. I been through a lot. I was self harming myself when I was in the 8th grade. Probably even before that. As I said before I don't know if I am the narc, or if the people I was exposed to were the narcs. Either way, I wish I knew the things that I knew now about the types of personalities.
I saw my father on his death bed he saw me and said " remember when i hit you,' laughed and said ' now go away i want to see my real family ' he never changed. One horrible man. Sorry you had to suffer
@@Belevaqua I’m sorry about your brother. Let him know to hell with her and you both can live your lives happy without that trash! God bless you both 🙏🏾
My sadistic, narcissistic father threw me out into the street when I was 15. At 15 I was on my own. And because we moved around constantly, and were isolated from all other family, I had no one to turn to, no place to go. But my brother was doted on, could do no wrong. They made him weak, and I had no choice but to become tough. I was the youngest, the baby and the only girl. And they had more expectations of me than the three of them combined. Now I'm in my 60s and have survived them all. I have peace, and joy. And love...so much love. I created the family I always wanted. I had two sons, and went on to adopt two girls, both family members that fell into my lap. If I didn't take them they would be fed into the system. I was able to do everything for those children that wasn't done for me...I protected, and nurtured, and it was healing for all of us.
God bless you - what a strong wonderful woman you are - I have two children who are now young adults - I cannot imagine chucking them out at 15…. How on earth? You are an inspiration, creating a nurturing home that you didn’t have. 🙏❤️
Bless those people who have loving mothers and fathers...some of us don't know what it's like where others get it everyday. Bless those of us who have been tossed out to sea...that we may float and learn to navigate through these deep and sometimes dangerous waters ...and may we find us a safe landing.
I’m glad I know the truth of who they are, now I don’t waste time looking for a needle in a haystack, for a scrap of love where there isn’t… A lot of the people I know who maintain relationships with their parents aren’t as solid with them as they seem… They are still not able to be themselves fully with their parents in most cases and end up holding back so they never have to know what happens if they fall short of whatever role is assigned to them.
I have been blessed to have wonderful parents. It is not appreciated by a child when they're a child; at some point however you get close enough to friends, spouses, to recognize..."boy, am I lucky." If you are raising your kids right, they won't know how good they have it, nor should they, until later in the game.
My narcissistic mother gave me a great gift before she died : she told me she hated herself. It was like all the pieces began to fall into place ; the constant criticism , contempt, judgement- this was really everything she felt about HERSELF and she had been putting it all on me since childhood. It began the journey back to loving who i am. Im NOT a bad person. Im a good enough - and theres nothing inherently wrong with me. It changes everything.
She was probably raised without love and therefore felt like she was hated as a kid and internalized that. My mother is a narcissist too. She was raised in a highly dysfunctional environment
I didn’t realize until my late 60s that both of my parents were narcissist. I grew up in an environment of blame, shame, and control.. I just turned 70 this month and now I am on the journey of self discovery in knowing who I am.
Except the narcissist, can’t make that choice because they lack an amygdala. It’s not about choosing to be a narcissist. Their amygdala was stunted during childhood and that’s how they are left without the ability to know right from wrong, or feel love or experience remorse. In fact, this guy’s father experienced remorse and felt love for his kid and regretted his mistakes. That’s not a narcissist. That is someone with low self-esteem, who acted like a narcissist to push people away. There’s a big difference. I wish people would take a psychology course so you know what you’re talking about.
@@chelseacraft4669 I believe the narcissist has as many opportunities to grow up as the rest of us, but that’s very painful, so they simply refuse. It’s a choice.
@@dianagarrison3138 so you are challenging medical science, that the amygdala is the seat of human emotions and synapses are required to translate external stimuli into emotions in the brain. so if a person does not develop an amygdala during puberty they have no ability to process anything into emotions for anyone else, and they only have their base cortex survival instincts of glorifying the self, which you call narcissism. Maybe you should research the science behind what you’re talking about… because it’s physically impossible what you just said. Psychology 101 or college level child brain development that every teacher is supposed to have learned but apparently doesn’t…
I cut off my narcissistic parents and have not looked back. The peace of not dealing with that is priceless. Remember, you are never obligated to deal with anyone negative even if they are family. When you do, you are actually depriving them of the opportunity to self reflect and learn their lesson
Not that they WILL self reflect and learn their lesson, mind you. They'll just make up their own narrative and blame you for everything. But at least you won't have to be there taking the brunt of it anymore.
@@themaggattack agreed narcissists don’t regret anything ever. They will never learn there lesson. I had to run far away from my narcissistic family and never looked back. They’ll hate whether you stay or go. The only difference is that you don’t have to suffer anymore.
My father learned how to be insecure and second-guess himself from grandpa. As a result, he never took up many hobbies or interests to pass on to me. I never learned how to hunt nor fish, nor any other practical skill from him. Because he had little confidence of his own. I both resent and pity him for that, and I know I can’t get angry with him because he’s too old to go back and change anything from a lifetime of regret. My grandfather’s abuse was a multigenerational curse, and I don’t know who I should be either. And maybe it’s now too late to marry and have children
The difference between a narcissist and those who have suffered ( we all suffer in life) is HUMILITY. “Humility is the one and only characteristic that no devil can imitate.”
They cannot love either, Jesse. Hence their issues with themselves, which is what narcissism is. Others just stumble into their way. Humility, though: Yes! The humble retain their abilities to listen, to relate, to associate, communicate... all the beautiful events and capacities that make life wondrous!
@@bright-noise This is very true! It's the same sham they can put on for a very short while and take off briskly! Just a film of humility, or compassion like skim on a lake. Then they pull you under!
A lot of us who grew up with narcissistic parents don’t know who we are because we were never allowed to be ourselves. Never allowed to want what we wanted, told we should want something else, told we should want whatever they wanted instead of what we wanted and do what they want us to do instead of what we know in our hearts is right. The internal compass is so constantly gaslit and the internal code is written over with some kind of virus code that we constantly question our own ability to make decisions for ourselves and look to others to tell us what to do. We end up getting so off our true path we can’t get our way back on until much later. Likely your narcissistic dad also had a narcissistic dad and he grew up not being allowed to be himself and thus didn’t know himself because constantly sought validation and direction from other people in an absence of his identity being allowed to grow and develop in childhood. It’s a spiritual stunting.
And in cases like mine it ends up trapped in the LGBT because we were looking for tender "daddy." I regret it because "the life" was never me. My libido was real but emotionally I felt unnatural. I felt lazy. Top or bottom, it just seemed wrong. I am so glad to have survived that loooooog "phase."
Narcissists don't need people to tell them who they are, they need people to constantly praise, validate and uplift them. If you tell them who they are (the truth! ) and they don't like it, they're not going to stick around to get to know who they are, you'll most probably get dumped through silent treatment or experience their rage.
That was true w my husband. I did not agree with him hinting at doing some adultery. He seethed and sought out friends to validate his desire to be himself. We had worked to own our home and have children. After having our son, my husband became focussed on outer groups, affairs, his eventual departure. He explained to our son at age 4 that I was
That I was yelling at Daddy too much. I was developing as a mother and clearly knew my husband should want to understand our son and me. Got flack...he didn't need to know.
After 49 years of tolerating my narcissistic parents I finally walked away. I found out 2nd hand my father passed away a couple of years ago. No one bothered to tell me and afterwards it dawned on me that rather than reach out on his death bed to apologize he chose to die and say nothing. His shriveled mean heart didnt change right until his last breath. This was such a huge light bulb moment as I FINALLY got it A NARCISSIST WILL NEVER ADMIT THEY'RE WRONG OR APOLOGIZE. He chose to die full of hate and self pity. This is narcissism in its purest form. How sad for him. What a relief for me cos he can never hurt me again ❤
It's always a Narcassists deep regret after dieing because we have a life review soon after we cross over and shows us every detail of the life we just had along with how you made others feel which is shown by allowing them to feel how their toxic words and behaviors made them feel.
I told my father on his. deathbed that this generational dysfunction and abuse ends with me and my children. I’m doing my best and thus far my children and wife are thriving.
Don't worry, your not the only one that was robbed of a father & son relationship. Not having much of a father in my life made me the best father EVER for my son !!! I am soooo happy !!!
You need to understand what a blessing that is. The worst thing imaginable is my grandchildren being raised by a narcissist parent which their father is. It's frightening to think where this is headed.
That’s fantastic! I applaud your efforts! Though I am aware that it will always be a challenge, I’m in a similar situation. Meaning that we ALL need to maintain our equilibrium and we ALL have our own shortcomings in which to deal with through life. This never ends. And there’s always times when we don’t cope so well and sometimes we just wish that we didn’t have to feel like we’re the only ones who try, and then keep trying anyway. Such is life. Stay strong and keep good people in your life and shun those who are destructive.
My narc mom's last words... I went to say I'm sorry if I was hard on you to raise (only because my aunt compelled me into it) and the only response from my mom was to continue staring at the ceiling and say, "I must be dying". Needless to say, I left.
I fear for my grandson. He is an only child. His mother is a narc with anger issues & his father is an alcoholic. I raised that beautiful boy for 5 1/2 years. Then I called out his parents on their treatment of him. Then they cut me out of his life. I worry every day for his safety. My heart is crushed in knowing I will probaby never see him again. My boy needs to know his grandmom loves & misses him. And, I cannot protect him. Please pray for my Hunter. Thank you so kindly.❤
@@artyompopov7741 My son chooses to drink. I do not know what triggered it, as he was an athlete and an A student. The drinking became evident about age 29 I have 2 other children who are mature & successful. Interesting to note, their father is a narc.
My narcissistic uncles last words before dying(no exaggeration) were: "I'm mad because all those women I didn't sleep with" Well friends, his wife my aunt was one of the most amazing women I've ever met. She was a true saint, an ex nun, faithful and honest and just amazing. She was such a good wife to him. Disgusting and zero conscious. One of the biggest things narcissists do is they are excellent at creating an outer facade, especially in relationships but at home are absolutely diabolical. They are a nightmare.
I dont think it matters how good your wife is people do regret using this social construct of man and wife and not valueieng their actual desires..not having had enough sex is one of the biggest regrets on death beds. Totally common thing to say not odd at all.
My friend / landlord is one and is an absolute male chauvinistic narcissistic pig!! He’s abusive self centered slob and pervert! I have a few more months living here and my family and I are gone! To another state even. I known him since we were kids if my husband knew half of the disgusting things he’s said to me he would beat him down. I’m tough though so I handle it I give him a what for. But he creeps me out.
I think you nailed it. I dealt with a Narcissist for about 8 years. The one thing I can confidently say about her is that she did not know who she was. And she believed that every human identity was literally just a facade. She couldn't understand that a person could be authentic. She actually believed that faking it was as real as it could get in life. It was an identity crisis of stellar proportions.
Before I knew anything about the narcissist family dynamics, I spent the last months of my mother's life taking care of her as she was dying. One day, I recounted all the things I had done and achieved in my life. I know now that I was looking for the validation and approval I'd never received from her. After reminding her of my accomplishments, she turned to me and said, "No. That was your sister. " I can laugh about it now, but for a long time, it was a terrible pain in my heart.
Wow.... WTF. That just ain't right.... Well if she couldn't say it... dang.... I'm proud of you. I can't say I would have been that nice to her if my mom said that to me. Heck....
You know what you accomplished and you worked hard to get it and that is fabulous because you did it! You did it!!! Pat yourself on the back and be proud of yourself…. I think that’s awesome … I’m sorry you had a shit for a parent.
Good for you, Debbieroberts. 🙂 Last summer my 101-yr-old narcissistic/autistic bedridden grandmother died peacefully. I was the primary caregiver for the final years because her retired psychopathic children wouldn't help, after her youngest (live at home uncle) got cancer. They shunned her (I had only met Grandma twice in my life) and wouldn't even help their struggling little brother. She did neglect her children so that some were taken away to foster homes, some she put for adoption. So I got to meet this stone-deaf extreme introvert, go through her stuff, realize she'd been plainly autistic from birth and unable to raise children alone though that fact hadn't clicked with my resentful mother at all. When I informed Grandma (on notepad) her brother had passed away, she said "I guess I'm the last one left," to which I wrote "You're not alone! Your daughter is visiting next week. I'm here for you," but truly she was in her own world, as she'd always been, and never spoke again with any substance. It doesn't count for communication when they answer "yes" to ice cream. At least narcissists, despite popular abuse of the word, aren't really malicious. At base they simply don't know about your feelings one way or another. And if they lunge for the heart they're likely to miss.
Another excuse for their horrible behavior. Your father knew who he was. As a christian I have just about heard it all. My xhusband was a hard core covert narcissist. He too was on wife number 4 when he died. He was on the phone accusing me to our daughter that he could do more since she was sick. That conversation between h I m and I never took place. Why he told my daughter that lie about me emailing him,I have no idea. I went no contact with him before I knew that may be necessary. 18 years of marriage,I took a car and some furniture. Nothing to do with money, did I request because I knew he would use that to torment me some way. He had many Excuses for his behavior. He really believed he could confess all his sins and go to heaven on his death bed. I believe my Bible aka the word of GOD. According to That He didn't make it. Sadly I knew that he knew exactly what he was doing. In his arrogance he couldn't see a good GOD sending him to hell. That?
The irony of taking accountability and owning your mistakes is that people stop being mad about them so much more quickly. Most people just want acknowledgement that they’ve been hurt or wronged or that you messed up. They don’t want to punish you. They want to have that moment and then figure out how to fix it. Taking accountability is like a superpower. “Yes, you’re right, what I said was wrong and I’m so sorry. Thank you for telling me.” Crisis over!
@@rixatrixThat is what those of us who are not narcissists want. People who are not narcissists will then quickly stop being angry, look to resolve the issue and move on. But a narcissist will keep on punishing you, as long as they can, when you apologize for something, however small. That's how my mom is. I learned, at a young age, that it wasn't safe to apologize to her, because that would just bring on more anger from her, more rage.
Only if it's actually your own mistakes. Know to differentiate saying sorry as a habit than actually being sorry for what is appropriately your mistake. Too many people in abusive relationships say sorry just to make things "peaceful".
My brain always has me saying “Yea- that’s my fault. I was wrong- but you did B, C, and D and that also hurt me, so give me the closure I just gave you” Idk how to express my pain in treatment without coming off like I’m excusing my behavior? What’s the difference?
Mine passed one week after finally receiving his cancer diagnosis. I sat with him at his home just a few hours before his passing -- his last words to me were "I love you, kiddo." That's all I ever really wanted to hear from him my whole life. I had already forgiven him and my only desire was that he would come to Christ before he passed.
You're so lucky, not to diminish your troubles in the past but at least you have that ❤️ I wish my mum had left me with some kind words but unfortunately not. Hold on to it x
my father was in hospice, i called him twice daily, my last conversation i asked him " is there anything you need from me?" his response was " no, i don't think there is" and he hung up, not even a good bye. he passed less than 12 hours later.
I mean, I've never had a parent die, but they are literally on deaths bed. How can you expect them to be articulate and social and in a level headspace? This is a genuine question maybe a dumb question idk
I discovered this by repeatedly trying to make new memories with my elderly mother, but inevitably she kept showing what a terrible mistake I was masking by trying to love a Narcissist. They make it impossible to love them.
@lauramartinez7057 Don't be like me. A person that chases the venomous snake, to convince it I didn't deserve to be bit, thinking an apology would be the anti-venom.
@@robertillnevertell1507Really appreciate that. For a long time I had a boy scout leader who treated me so terribly and I wondered if talking to him about how his behavior was wrong and he hurt me would be healing.
I was wife number one and my daughter was born at the end of 1968. You could have been describing her father. I think it was the 'era' partly but it was also the need to be 'fed'. I lost the ability to adore him before we were married and still went ahead. He punished me for that. But what was I to know? Both my mother and stepfather were narcissistic. It's all that I knew. Since then I've learned how to own my own feelings, how to recognize what is foreign to my understanding of the situation, how to love myself and to a degree, heal myself. I will soon be 73. I've worked so hard for so long. My reward is the best most loving man to whom I have now been married to for nearly 9 years. It's never too late.
Blessed be every second of peace, tranquility and happiness. I was married to one for 16 years… the misery that somehow he managed to bring about unexpectedly, without any need, just because….. regardless of being loved, tolerated, cared for. Reading your words give me hope. Perhaps I will get lucky and find real love. Thank you for sharing! Smile!
I'm so glad that you found a loving husband, Dawn. I still believe in love, though I was married to a narcissist for decades,... and of course, didn't get to experience love from him.
My dads last words that revealed him were…”I look at people assets or non assets.” He was a horrible father and person. I healed a long time ago but now helping my brother. He was most affected. My dad died broke and alone. He was cruel and hateful to anyone who didn’t play his game. 4 people came to his short goodbye in a church and I wasn’t one of them. He was buried with no ceremony or people around. The last words he spoke to me were extremely hurtful. I had flown 2500 miles to help him and he attacked me and disappeared until an aunt got word from a random person that he was in hospice. It’s a long story and full of hateful behavior but I know it’s possible to live a happy life despite these people.
My sisters and I did help my father when he got sick and died. It was 3 months, and we only did what was necessary for someone else to take care of him. We also went to his funeral. I still think we were too generous. Of course, his death was a relief we were waiting for so he's not missed at all.
I’m so sorry you had this father. I hope you have kind and loving people surround you. You deserve good people around you. I was a hospice nurse and took care of a man who was a nasty person and narcissist. His poor wife got stuck with him when he was kicked out of three nursing homes. The last time he bit a nurse when she was taking his blood pressure. Long story short: I could see right through his motives and knew exactly how to calm him down. But the experience was an eye opener into the mind of an aged cruel person. Even though his children lived 5 miles away, they never visited.
The important thing to remember when your narcissistic parent ages, is that they don’t change. It’s important to figure out who you are and realize your worth because you will probably never get validation from that parent. Once I accepted that fact, I was able to release the anger and sadness I felt about not having the mother I needed. I am there for her in her old age even though she wasn’t there for me….but it’s my choice mainly because it makes things easier on my father who always tried to stand up for me, and at 91 still does. On,y those who lived with narcs know the pain and struggle we endure.
My father's last words to my mother were unspeakable horrible words. I grew up hearing this kind of talk all my life. Really was devastated knowing it was how he chose to speak to my mom one last time. Yes, I was in their living room with him angrily looking at both of us. Narcissists never stop believing they are the victims.
That is absolutely horrific. It's like a horror film. My Dad was like that often and violent but only when he drank Whiskey which was regularly. BUT when he died from Cancer he had not drunk alcohol for months. He died surrounded by me and my Mum n my sister who he had abused all our lives but we knew the real man without alcohol who we loved. If my father had died being abusive I don't know how I cd have processed that. I pray you live in Peace and can forgive him. I pray your lives will be full of kindness and Love from now on. 🧡💫🦚
The Narcissist I used to date when years after the breakup I texted him condolences for his mother’s death he texted back .. “she served her purpose.” Wtf Puts perspective on his outlook.
From extensive experience, I think the common denominator within narcissists, is that they do not take responsibility. My ex had a stable career. He kept total control of our sons, two of whom killed themselves i. The past two years. Not all narcissistic people manifest their lives in the way your father did. But they do all blame others for their own bad behaviour and failures.
As a eldest child my family lost 3 siblings due to illness. I recall how comforting it was to firmly believe that their journey has ended and all was achieved in their short lives. And that it was our lesson to learn just how perfect they were in their coming and going. How to seek their purpose and believe and truly know this for your sons??? Wishing you well with all my heart ❤️
When I was 12, my brothers and I visited my father at his job as a aerospace engineer. His co-worker told us how nice he was to work with. That was the day I hated my father. I realized that he could be kind to other people, but chose to be abusive to his family. For 29 years, there was no contact. He died last November from Covid. I was told that he cried about me. I'm relieved that he is gone.
You project reality through eyes from inside head. We created this reality to be able to fail and learn since as God's we are perfect. Split God in duality so we can learn like an artificial intelligence learns fastes playing its self
When my dad painted only the outside side od the front door of our house and left it that way for years, well that told me who is he putting in front position instead of his family. Hej cared what People on the outside thought about us. They were the priority.
You are a strong person , sir . Married to a narcissist for 56 yrs . I am tired waking on egg shells . 15 when we meet . Married at 19 . We are old and time is short . And yes , it is what it is !!!!
Growing up, I knew my Father was a strong man. His arms had the muscles of a Master Plumber, those 3 foot cast iron pipe wrenches were heavy. He always had time for me, and often took me fishing, camping, hunting, and taught me everything. He loved me. Thanks Dad, I turned out OK. Grateful.
I walked away from my Narcissistic mother 2 years ago. I don't hate her for things she said and did to me as I was growing up but you can't fix a toxic relationship with a person who is never wrong and won't change. You can't bring new energy into the same ongoing situation. God Bless you all ❤️
I grew up with a narcissistic dad, and now my son has been married for 12 years to someone who might be my dad's equal, just not as physically strong so not as capable of physical damage. (She did blacken his eye with a shoe, though. I asked him then, if he'd done that to her, what would've happened? He said he'd've at least spent the night in jail. So is it okay for her to do it to you? No. But he loves her and is committed and I'm sure she also has her charms, maybe they get to do the honeymoon thing over and over? It's not boring?) Anyway he hasn't spoken to me now for close to two years; covid and things messed with a lot of relationships, but I knew without his telling me that it was "for her sake". This week I made an attempt to reach out, just got a health diagnosis that isn't fatal or anything, but just catapulted me into "old age" and you really don't know, ever, how many days you'll have. She responded, and in the space of three short texts, I realized--maybe this wasn't my son's intent, maybe it was--he isn't protecting her from me, he's protecting me from her. And I have to let them go, probably will never have a relationship with him again as long as he's with her. I don't THINK she'll kill him.... 😞
Nothing is ever enough for a narcissist. It has NOTHING to do with you. I am sorry you experienced that growing up and that your mother did too. It's a horrible lesson to learn and experience but it does teach you a lot and allows you to help others which you are doing, right now. Thank you for sharing
true narcissism is a defense mechanism, it helps to understand that they come from a place of feeling small/inferior. not saying you should feel sorry for them but that's the truth, you can see them for what they are
@@domingorodriguez3077 no no, I stayed for 13 yrs of trying to understand the little boy i could intuitively see was damaged. It's not my trauma to heal, that's his and he never chose to take responsibility to heal it for himself. Worrying about their trauma is how so many nice people stay too long. I divorced him him 2017 then found out he hit and emotionally abused one of our daughters on his weeks then i took him to court. What helps is leaving, getting EMDR/ trauma therapy and exposing them so they know you mean business and won't accept their behaviour. He now teaches " kundalini meditations" and is posing as a spiritual teacher with groups of women. They never learn or change they just find new nice vulnerable people as supply to leach life and empathy from to fill their black hole souls.
@@sergiogarciamartinez7470 yes, they lack self esteem so they demand others validate them all the time and will lose their shit if you don't. they're very fragile people and can't face themselves
My heart goes out to you. I've worked with too many clients who suffered with a narcissistic mother or father, and sometimes both. NPD is the most horrible and tragic mental illness, because there is no self-awareness or insight, only a persistent delusion of grandeur, arrogance, entitlement, and victim complex. They aren't capable of love, only exploitation, manipulation, and pursuit of power and control. They treat all people as means to a selfish end. If a person can't be used or exploited, they are completely devalued. You can never reason with them or appeal to their empathy, because they have none. Some combination of genes, complex trauma, and neurological differences might explain NPD, and sociopathology as well. Thank God you survived, many don't. You are a great person for sharing your story. God bless!
They are not capable of introspection because that would involve challenging their grandiose vision of themselves. Narcs have huge, but incredibly fragile egos. They are among the mentally weakest groups of people in our society.
Makes sense what you say. I wasted 19 years of my life with a narcissistic girlfriend (daughter of a narcist father who was a nightmare). She was constantly seeking the attention of other men. I came out of this relationship with serious depression and a alcohol problem. Later I married a good woman, and I am ok now.
Maybe working on internal happiness would help? Not relying on other people to make/break happiness? If not you're playing the narc game. Unfortunately even the victim won't make it out if they don't take responsibility (if they don't the narc will). Stop blaming, we all have choices (minus children). I mean that in an impowering way (a victim cant leave, they have no choice but decide you're not one, then you can choose to leave). We can trap ourselves because we're convinced we're powerless but that's not true (exactly what the narc wants us to think) be the opposite!
She's not wrong. Shortly before she died my narcissist mother apologized for being such a bad mother and my honest response was to assure that she did the best she could and no one can hope for more than that. It gave her some comfort without my having to lie. You have to let it go; it just hurts you if you don't.
@nancybatch7007 Sorry for your loss🙏 I agree with you. the context that I didn't share is that I was seeking to repair the relationship. To build trust, I needed her to understand what isn't healthy behavior so that the harm could stop . Unfortunately, without acknowledgement and acceptance of her part, we couldn't move on to establishing new behaviors because I don't trust that the pummeling will stop.
“Something that you can’t give to yourself, nothing external will”. I had never seen it that way, when you said what he told you: “I don’t deserve this”, and that was his belief, that he believed he didn’t deserved a peaceful/ healthy/ loving family, that was his original infant wound. that is why he let it go, he believed he was not worthy of such. Amazing.
I have found that to be true barring one - my mother in law. I won’t bore you with the story suffice to say that we finally found out the extent, the staggering extent, to which we had ALL.been conned by her when she had a stroke last year and entered residential care at the age of 86. My point being she was most definitely not damaged or weak or any of the traits common in narcissists.
I was going to comment the same thing. After 22 yrs of marriage I can look back and see clearly what was happening. He needed to break down everything about me that HE didn’t have. Apparently he’s empty inside and his attacks on me were attempts to fill the void. But I’m still me. And he’s still broken. I got away.
You don't recognize a Narcissist when you see one, do you? Why is it that Kevin talks only about himself and what _he_ wants and feels? I've met Narcs before and there is a pattern: everything in their past has been designed to cause them pain. And abusive spouse; an abusive parent; abusive siblings... They tell you when you first meet them that they are innocent victims of life as they denounce their own families in order to garner sympathy. A bit like Kevin. What kind of insecure PoS uses pictures of his own parents in order to co-opt your hatred for them? Here's a picture of my dad; he was a right b'stard... Kevin is a user and he has found a source in you.
You might be right. Maybe not? Trauma does horrible things to people. Be careful. Once you start dissecting a narcissist, you might become one yourself.
@@annettemoolman6504 Well, this channel would appeal to those who have been traumatized in the same way that lost and confused people go for Tarot Card readings or consultations with a medium or spiritualist. Decent people write one good book that contains the information you are looking for. Why is Kevin writing the same book every week and changing only the title to give the impression that he has released a new book? (Metaphorically speaking, of course.) If you _really_ need help, go make some good friends who are prepared to be honest with you. This guy is not your friend.
The last words my narcissist dad said to me before he died was "I love you baby"...come to find out he left everything to a stranger that he met six months earlier..that he promised to me for taking care of him for five years...i had no life for five years...just took care of my dad.
I’m sorry. My father is a wide awake nightmare and takes great pleasure in bringing it up every so often that every single dime and possessions go to step mom. I don’t even imply anything about money or whatever he keeps saying my truck is all yours. Wtf. I just don’t react once my whole life he broke down crying looking to justify his outrageous actions and behavior and abuse. Like it was out of love.
My dad abandoned us 3 girls...it was in his last five years of life that I had the opportunity to be around him..before I used to say " you know what's worse than losing a parent is having a parent that is still alive..and not around.."
I look at past photos of my narcissist parent too, viewing them from a different adult lens now. When I identify the narcissistic facial expressions in the old photos, it helps me realize that I am not the cause of the unhappiness. Apparently the adult children of narcissists are plagued by guilt and shame that "they are always the problem." It helps to know the problem existed in the mind of the narcissist before us.
Man, I read the comments and my heart breaks for ya'll and at the same time I feel so grateful. My father passed away in August and his last words to me were "I love you". He said that he loved me countless of times. But it was like he knew he needed to say it one more time before he passed. No person is perfect, but my dad was perfect to me. I learned what real love is thanks to my parents. They spent 62 years together. Love never dies. I love you Dad.
@NefariousZ awww that's so sweet! You are very lucky to have had a loving father. I, too have amazing parents. They weren't perfect but I felt loved. They showed me what a real loving relationship is supposed to be about. I dated a narcasstic man because he reminded me of my father, thru his love of classic rock music, guitar playing, a goofy sense of humor. They even looked similar with their big noses, receding hairline, and lanky build. And so I put my ex on a pedestal....dumb I know.
My ex husband is a narcissist and the interesting thing is that our problems really started after our son was born. He was no longer the center of the universe and his son was getting all the attention. He would get mad when I would breastfeed the baby. It was incredible to see and horrible at the same time. That was when I knew I was in trouble. I don’t regret the relationship because my son is wonderful. But that period of time until the divorce was awful. I used to say, “I gave birth to one baby and got two.”
That is pretty much what happened to me as well. Mine started to have an online affair when our son was 5 months old and he left us when our son was barely 10 moths old. His affair did not translate to real life. He went on to marry a woman with 4 kids, but those kids were in another country. Then back in June 2015 they had 2 of the children to live with them. He went on to have s3x with his 15 year old step daughter and only got away with it because the terrified girl withdrew her police statements and fled the country. We are both better off without them.
That's absolutely horrible, but it's entirely different when you are born into a family infected with a narcissist you cannot escape, they are there from your first breath, destroying your self-worth, confidence, innate potential, your stability, gaslighting you, sabotaging you, humiliating you, diminishing your innate talent and dismissing your accomplishments, amplifying your mistakes and broadcasting your failures, bashing and reducing you to your sibling(s) to ensure no love or emotional bond b/w you is possible, poisoning everyone's ear about you before they meet you, working tirelessly to set you up for failure and misery, throughout your entire formative years. How does that damage ever get undone, how does that person ever grow up to become a confident productive member of society, reach their full potential and go on to self-actualize? Is it even possible.
@@milumav Hi there, just to share that I was born into the situation you described in your comment. When I was 5, in exchange for not killing myself, I told God (Yahweh) that I would put up with anything as long as He had a purpose for my life. God responded by telling me , "Of course I have a purpose for you." I could feel Him smiling as He said it almost dismissively, as if He always knew I was going to ask and He had everything mapped out already. So, to answer your question, Yes, victory is possible. The journey to victory may be long and difficult, but "long and difficult" is not the same is"impossible" ."The things which are impossible with men are possible with God." (Luke 18:27 NKJV); "with God all things are possible" (Matthew 19:26 NKJV). Isaiah 54:11-17 (The Message Version): You’ll be built solid, grounded in righteousness, far from any trouble-nothing to fear! far from terror-it won’t even come close! If anyone attacks you, don’t for a moment suppose that I sent them, And if any should attack, nothing will come of it. I create the blacksmith who fires up his forge and makes a weapon designed to kill. I also create the destroyer- but no weapon that can hurt you has ever been forged. Any accuser who takes you to court will be dismissed as a liar. This is what God’s servants can expect. I’ll see to it that everything works out for the best.” God’s Decree. Isaiah 49:24-26 (The Message Version): "Can plunder be retrieved from a giant, prisoners of war gotten back from a tyrant? But God says, “Even if a giant grips the plunder and a tyrant holds my people prisoner, I’m the one who’s on your side, defending your cause, rescuing your children. And your enemies, crazed and desperate, will turn on themselves, killing each other in a frenzy of self-destruction. Then everyone will know that I, God, have saved you-I, the Mighty One of Jacob."
that's weird. my husband was so happy when I had our son. . we had been married during Nam.I became Navy wife. it all was bad. he ended up aw-ol. . recovered from that!. he drank a lot. moved alot. had a baby girl. 4 yrs later, our son., he ran off with a female, floosy ,I'll say, with her new baby & little boy.!! he wanted his son. after I survived years no support from him. he tried to get custody in courts. but No. so he was mad & stole them from me.. . threatened to take to Canada I'd never see them again.authorities backed off.took time, I got them bak. he passed away few years after.. but my son was devastated!!!! Still is. it's tore us up.. he sort a blames me!!! all I wanted was my kids to be happy. not mentally & emotionally hurt.
I told my dad "You're gonna die alone." After he threatened to take the house away from my mom and brothers. My dad left the house years ago, but i still maintained a relationship with him. He hadn't lived in the house for years, but thought that because some paperwork was in his name he had the right to kick us out. We knew he was incapable of doing so, but the fact that he threatened to do that in the first place proved to me he was no longer worthy of my time or love.
At 68 I finally am beginning to know myself… mostly because of the things that I have suffered and learning how to live. Love doesn’t just happen. Love is a choice. Some people are easier to love than others.
I'm finding it really difficult to love my covert narcissist cousin that's living with my family.💔. My mom, dad and my brother don't see it. But I do.😠
@@fredneecher1746, in the scriptures God commanded husbands to love their wives even as Christ loved gave himself to the church it’s a commandment. It is a moral choice.
My dad too was a narcissist, but the situation was different. He didn't stray and stayed married to my mom until he died. We have a small business, and because he was good at what he did he thought he was perfect and thought he should run everything. He treated me like crap, but he carefully guarded it. That way if I told anybody they wouldn't believe me. He treated strangers good, but only because he didn't know what buttons to push. Once he knew he treated them like crap too. He wouldn't treat people like crap who might retaliate and kick his ass. He died when I was 35, and I never in my life ever heard him say I'm sorry to anyone, except one time when he apologized to somebody who he pissed off and was about to kill him. Apologizing to save your neck doesn't count because it isn't genuine. If I had it to do over I would have left right after high school. I hoped it would get better but it never did. My advice to anybody in a situation like this: get out if you can.
I think this is true. I appreciate you sharing this, it is very healing for me. My dad left when I was young and also went thru multiple marriages. My mother was committed to several state hospitals my entire childhood. When my father died he left his estate to the adult daughter of his last wife (he outlived his divorced wives who were all younger than him). I always felt rejected my entire life, as though I wasn't enough for him to ever protect or care about and then his final act before his death was the ultimate rejection in favor of someone he didn't even raise, someone unrelated to him. I loved him dearly but always felt it was never reciprocated. He moved some miles away and it was always me traveling or reaching out to see him, never the other way around. Your video helps me to understand it wasn't anything about me at all, but likely because he could never find who he was and he left what he had to the person nearest to him at the time of his death. There was no contesting his after life choices because the woman, my step sister, was very likeable and seemed to have a greater need than I (though my father could not have known that). It just would have been nice for him to acknowledge his only daughter apart from the several several step daughters over the years with a letter or small treasure. I have been given a healing balm by watching this video. It wasn't me, it was never any flaw of my little self. It was the flaw of his own mind searching for himself.
@@looweegee252My mother has cold shouldered me my entire life.Cold distant. My brother is her favorite. I only talk to her on mother's day and her birthday. And only for 10min. She is lucky to get that.
My narcissistic sister told me she went to lunch with her very best friend & terminally ill husband. All my sister could say was that her best friend was angry about her husband’s impending death. As nurses we could understand that but my sister was most indignant when she said to me: “I don’t think I’ll see her again, she doesn’t want to spend time with me” I was dumbfounded ‘spend time with you’ -her husband is terminally ill & near death & they have a baby!
I had a friend who now I know was clearly disordered, I met with her one day and her usual moaning about the lack of attention from her husband (who she had already cheated on) me who had just lost my job and have had many stresses in my life which looking back she never asked how I was etc, I said to her but his (her husband) father just died, and it was like she had never even thought about that he would be grieving but it's all about her, she even made him go to a wedding (her cousins) on the same day of his father's funeral! I remember her phoning me to tell me his father had died and her moaning that it was on the same day as the wedding!
This is really interesting. What shocked me the most about my narcissist ex boyfriend is that he tried a lot to manipulate me just to keep me liking him, but when he noticed I was fed up with his lies and insensitivity, he immediately stopped fighting for the relationship. I told him that I was unhappy, but we still had years of history together and I wanted to keep being friends with him at least, and that's when he turned his back without any regret. He didn't want to question himself, not even for a moment, to fit in my expectations. He had no respect for our history together, everything that we shared. As the time passed and I started to better understand him, I realized WE didn't really share anything, I was alone all the time. It's been almost 7 years from that moment and I'm still trying to heal.
You haven’t healed because you have not realized your own value. This man made you totally reliant on the value he assigned to you, and then you weren’t even worth that to him. You can’t accept that he devalued you after allowing you to believe you deserved the little he gave you. You need to figure out your true worth, set boundaries and do not accept inferior treatment. That’s when he will be a distant memory… a mistake you won’t want to remember. 😊. Godspeed.
Woah! Make sure you don't assume someone is a narc, solely based on the fact they seem lost and don't know who they are. That can be traits of a person like me, who was abandoned at birth and raised in an orphanage. The defining factor is empathy. Narcs have no empathy and have no regrets. They NEVER say sorry
Narcissists are not capable of love and lacks empathy, they are takers who only breadcrumbs others ‼️Narcissistic mothers destroy their babies bcs they don't mirror, hug and comfort them, their children are not allowed to have boundries or show feelings ‼️A Narcissistic mother only see her child as an extension of themselvs ‼️Dr Judy Rosenberg have good videos about Narcissism and Narcissistic mothers ‼️✳️Starseed INFJ Heyoka, Scapegoat of two Narcissistic parents.
My father never felt he had much of a family growing up, being abandoned to boarding school since 10 years old. No wonder he struggled being a dad himself and having empathy. My mother was first generation go-girl, all about career. Both were concerned primarily about status and money, us kids were mostly just status symbols to show off. Once I told my parents I never really felt lived. The prompt response: "We always gave you nice Xmas presents"
Profound words never spoken before. My dad disowned me 10 years ago. He died back when. Good riddance. He was a real narcissist to a fault. I never liked him. He never liked me. I did fine in life. Carried his casket. Never shed tear. I don't have compassion for a "Never Man". Never grieved. God knows where that pos belongs.
My mother’s last words to me before she died, she touched my purse and said “what do you have in there, bricks?” Me, “ yes, mama, bricks.” She always found something to criticize me for. 😐
😆!!! I'm sorry to laugh, but she sounds exactly like my demon mother. That's absolutely insanity... I hope you are healing and are in a better place. These psychopathic demons are just.... beyond understanding. Their entire lives, all they wanted was to "one up" someone else, but in the end, all they did was alienate themselves from everyone else, while blaming everyone else for the reason why they are alone. You should have told her they were gold bricks, that's how you roll. Pay for everything by breaking off a little piece of gold. Have a great day.
@@benjammen7041 Oh no..... I am sorry that this was said to you...Pfff. I am afraid for the last words of my egotistic, egocentric and negative mother towards us, the children...This has been bothering me for almost 17 years now..
I remember spending a night at the hospital with him, 3 days before he died... his last words to me, with a very demanding tone in his voice were don't sell my land and don't sell my house... he wanted to stay in control even after his death, the only thing he was worried about were material stuff;
My ex-narc husband knew he had a personality disorder. He said to me one afternoon. "My problems run too deep. I don't feel unless you feel". That chilling direct quote from his empty soul left me speechless. He will likely say the same thing on his deathbed. "I never knew myself".
The hardest thing in the world is being a mother of a narcissistic son. It’s perpetual mourning. I love my children more than life itself, having to admit that I will never have a normal loving relationship with him is more devastating than is humanly conceivable. I can’t think of any other challenge in life more devastating for a mother than the inevitable distain and degradation of narcissism from your own children. I have to stop myself from reaching out to him, usually in a heap of tears, and wake up from dreams of our once beloved relationship. The pain is never ending. 😢
"The hardest thing in the world is to be a woman in a situation." Shut up. I'll wager he's a narcissist because he learned it from you, as all women are some degree of covert narcissist. Every last one of you. Your narcissism is on display as you center yourself as the worlds greatest sufferer. But in reality, I see you.... my mother was like you and my father a sadist sociopath. I can spot you ghouls miles out.
It’s sad but when my narcissistic father died, while there were good times he was a raging manipulator and narc….so It was a total relief. I had issues for a while mainly out of the guilt I felt for being relieved and not sad that he was gone. I’ve since realized it’s normal to feel that way 😀
Where there never any good, humane moments with him for you at all? Did he ever still make a fatherly gesture, sopport you by earning money from work, mend things? Or have some ideals? If not, I am so sad for your sake and hope you got support and love in other qays. How did you survive? Was your mother more present and able to love you? Mine has good and admirable sides besides the abusive, sick and traumatized ones. But I am torm apart between my need to learn real self-care and self-healing (have been abused instead of helped professionally), but it's hard to leave her alone , old, sick, lost and not gettingvthe help she needs. But that deeply caring AND wise professional has to be attracted by practising very much positiveity, cell phone radiation (and even TV) has change humans for the worse without us noticing. I grieve the relationship I never had with mine, never really getting to know each other. Feeling a failure for us not fulfilling what we could have created together. But we have tpo try to build our own lives and learn frome xperience. And not become fearful, resentful and bitter... :-)
@@Medietos thank you. There were good moments. Many times where he was awesome , it was a love hate thing. He got worse as he got old. There was also the issue of my older sister being enabled and the golden one. We had a complicated relationship for sure. In many ways he seemed like a tuned in father but also too tuned in and if you didn’t do what he wanted you to he could be mean…. Harassing and all that fun. But I try to think about the good times. But favoritism (undeserved) and the other things really leave emotional scars. And no matter what I did it always could have been done better, even things he knew nothing about. I finally stopped caring if I had his approval. But I have a great life. Cheers
I agree what happened to was what o delt with. I never knew how he would be I was walking on eggshells when he was coming through the front door of the house I mast the time would hide till I was to eat supper he would find and start abusing me with his hand or belt all I did was hide
As my dad lay dying in the hospital I said "Dad, I Love You." I was hoping to hear him say how he cared or felt about me. I was standing by his bed and he turned his head toward me, and with an unblinking stare asked "Why?"
@@mbj-uo8ltyou are so right! You have a Father in Heaven who made you BECAUSE HE LOVED YOU AS AMAZING AND UNIQUE AS YOU ARE. I'm so sorry for that perplexing and sad reply from your earthly father. I'm sure you are an AMAZING PERSON. GOD BLESS YOU. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
My dad was a carbon copy if yours. One day I told my dad as I broke down crying "you don't even know me", I can see he didn't know himself first, so he couldn't know me.. Very good message.
Mine didn't really know me either. I was portrayed to be a not so good daughter toward the end of his life. Which was really hurtful. Because I was nothing like he portrayed me to be to his friends. He never hardly came around me once my mom died. He found a widow and they were good friends. He gravitated to her family, and rarely ever came around even though I live 5 minutes from him. It's sad that he had a good daughter, but didn't care. After my mom died, it's like that was the end of the family. The only thing that mattered to him was other women. Before my mom died, and after she died.
I've watched dozens of expert videos on narcissism recently but this one was the most insightful and at the same time the least shaming, the least schadenfreude-driven and least narcissistic itself. Thank you.
I got sincere tears out of my dad once. I was 16 and trying to make sense of our family life. We walked on eggshells always, not knowing when he would blow up. I could sense always his heavy heart, anger and resentment. We could never do anything well enough to be considered worthy of being his children, and we certainly never heard from him that he loved us, etc. I searched beyond the pain. I saw that he came home each day for meals and to sleep. That he had goals - he was a builder and did a lot of that. And I came to understand that his way to love us was to provide a roof over our heads, food on the table and to keep us safe. This was not easy for him. He had terrible working conditions, was often very sick and was obviously not happy being married. So one day, we were alone in the mechanical room of the house, where he was often, and where he was explaining to me what needed to be monitored for safety. I said: "Thanks dad for making sure we are safe. I know that this is your way to show us you love us." He was so touched he had tears in his eyes. Never again did this happen. I tried, over the years, to reach him this way, but only to get insulted. When he was dying, I spent this last night with him, doing what I could to make him comfortable. He said nothing which would or could have helped me feel loved or even help me heal. I understand that he was a product of his environment and time. According to him, we had it easy compared to the way he was raised. I have to accept that he did his best.
Must have very hard on the whole family yes that can happen they look at it as a duty god love your dad he did not any better your dad been a builder back then must have been very tough on him been out in all weather's glad you are over all your troubles keep up the good work
I view Narcassistic relationships as a gift 🎁 My Mother....3 Brothers and a Sister are all Narcassists. I have walked away from my entire family along with relatives and family friends that are connected to them....going silent was the greatest gift I gave to myself but walking away was a wealth of growth that lead me to where I am today... I grew strength in speaking my truth... I stopped being the doormat.... I stopped the cycle of disease to please in order to be accepted and loved.... I grew in my integrity which I now live an integerous life.... They taught me HOW NOT TO BE.... I learned to love...honor and respect myself....which lead me to pay it forward to my children..... I promised myself that I would be the Mother to my children that I DESERVED to have and kept that promise 🙏🤗🙏
Love that...I just did that with my mother and her side of the family...spent xmas alone...still struggling with some guilt... but its been so PEACEFUL !
Makes me sad to read. I have really no family no siblings and to know you do and they are not kind is horrible. May God protect and look over your life
@@Asme1111-t8h your post is wise thoughtful and beautiful and especially you realizing that this thing is generational. You stood up and broke the generational curse. Bravo and may God stay with you and keep you all protected always.
Self-awareness and narcissism don't seem to be possible in the people that I know. The last conversation with my narcissist mother was her not apologizing or explaining her life-long need to beat me physically when I was a baby and child...and bully and torment me for fifty years...instead, her words were "you're just like your father." He died 25 years ago trying to please her, which was impossible. His health broke down shortly after he retired -- he just couldn't handle being with her at home 24/7. He ended his life, tragically. All that she could say was "how could he do that to me"...
My parents were the exact opposite, clingy and too timid to protect me from anything, which brought a whole other world of hurt. But their love and support enabled me to grow strong and resilient from within. I love them both.
My 85 yo father has aggressive cancer. My sisters and I did all we could to help him, even offering organ transplants. His narcissism didn’t allow him to stop being abusive and cruel. We walked away. I feel so relieved to be free.
Then it sounds like your father done a “one up”, a wonderful good thing for you all. A dying man said he wanted no help from his children whom did not like him. Yep, sounds like what a man would say and want.
@@vkrgfan I'm hoping my dad was becoming or became a believer and that's why he was sorry and wanted my forgiveness. I pray so! I'd love to be surprised when I get to heaven and he's there! I think things happened to him that made him the way he was 🥹 I'm not totally excusing him, because we all can change! But, he must have had an inner struggle that I was to young to understand. He died when I was only 15 😢
@@colleenc236 Sorry, I'm not a believer. I'm an atheist and I believe you have to treat people right here on earth, not after our death. After our death we decompose and become Earth, so far there is no evidence of any god. Therefore, we have to educate people about abuse while they are still alive so they can stand up for themselves and hold abusers accountable.
This was so good, thanks for sharing. My ex husband was a narcissist, and he recently committed suicide. He hardly knew his kids but his oldest daughter kept in touch with him a little but always kept her distance, because he was so dangerous towards any of us. I read through some of his therapy notes last week, and I read what he said about me; that I , as his wife, wasn't enough" your words struck a chord . Thanks
I didn't know that narcissist could commit suicide. You learned me something. I thought that his ego was too big for that (sorry for my english, I'm french).
@@Micks971 me neither, but he was a pretty desperate man towards the end of his life. He had no friends, no relationships with his kids and living in a motorhome
"I'm going to kill myself" statement. Got so tired of it I told him once ok well I'm going to bed. Relationshit went on for maybe another year but then I was able to get away. It wasn't easy.
Our egos are not our friends. Its only taken me 43 years to figure this out. You have to love yourself before you can love anybody else. Thank you for putting out these good vibes brother!!
I coudn't agree more. I'm convinced that whatever parents you have it's because you have a lesson to learn from them. When you work to grow your soul you find out your parents did what Karma led them to do. Narcissist have things to teach us about abandonment, betryal,guilt,low self love etc. It was hard lesson for me to learn but I finally got over it.
But if you traumatize a child during brain development, their amygdala will not develop, and they cannot feel the range of human emotions necessary to experience love, conscience, remorse, or know the difference between right and wrong. It’s physical brain damage. It’s not just about a choice like you were talking about. They can’t just choose to feel love. You need to educate yourself about the human amygdala and antisocial personality disorder.
Your statement is a contradiction. Reject ego / love - yourself - first (which is also egotistical).......You see the flaw in this? You have to love others first, help others, be kind to strangers etc. From this self-love and love for life grows. Not the other way around. Love OTHERS first! Than self respect and the death of ego will come. Or at least you will get out of it's grip. And you will feel good about yourself.
@@jesterday2222 While I wont disagree with your initial assessment, I would like you to think about that for a second. How can you love anything when you hate yourself? If you haven't been there, I understand, its hard to wrap your healthy mind around.
@@Warcraze13 If you hate yourself, you can still love others. Admire others. Care for others. Be kind too others. If not, then maybe it's not yourself you hate?
I have to keep reminding myself that when people try to break you down it's actually not because you're weak. It's actually that in spite of your vulnerability that you've still overcome. It's something that they are actually afraid of. Also hyper- critical people like my mother are just deflecting or desperately correcting their own mistakes and constantly want to be in control even though it's no longer up to them. Without that control they feel worthless.
I think this comment resonates the most. My father controlled everything about my life, even while living states away, and wanted to control me 'for life'. I finally stood up to him when I was 29 years old and it broke off a lot of that fear I had of him. I hid my true self from him for decades. In fact I still do but a lot has changed. He finally stopped trying to control me. After reading your comment, looking back, his one successful business was backed by my rich grandfather. After that he could only find minimum wage type jobs. He had a high-visibility job once that was fairly prestigious but he lost it. He spent the next decade trying to get it back but couldn't. His mother was a textbook narc and he grew up in extreme dysfunction. Considering how much he has mellowed out in his latter years and how nice he is to me now, I don't think he was a true narc. But I do see where he mirrored a lot of his mother's ways for a long, long time, tried to find his way in life, never had a good foundation to build upon or light the way, and I think he's finally at peace with a lot of it. But I do see how the control and the self-esteem are connected because of your comment. Thank you.
Your father had unusual insight for a narcissist. My father abandoned the family and I went to work at age 12 to put food on the table for the family he left behind. I'm a kind, gentle, empathic person, and never complained. He called me a "ball busting bitch" simply because I got a job. I resonate with ABitofCrumpet when she says "Narcs have no empathy and have no regrets. They NEVER say sorry."
I know it's usually easy to say but not do. But in your case I strongly think you should not be in contact with someone like that. It's bad enough his poor behaviour but to add such viciousness to it.? No no no dear. Don't suffer that as well 🙏
A lot of people don't understand mental illness, let alone personality disorders. Let alone cluster B personality disorders. There are different kind of people with cluster B traits and disorders. Not all of them are just pure intentional evil, some of them are just broken or trying to fill a void, and they don't always mean to be cruel. A lot of them awaken because they were part of the cycle of abuse. People really struggle to understand that psychopaths have emotional deficiencies and thus cannot be sadistic by definition. Narcissism can appear in a few different form, some of them are destructive, and some others simply want validation and see that others think highly of them, and they don't always do so in a way that is malignant, but rather might be self interested, spending a lot of time trying to better themselves, and worse case be selfish. Some narcissists truly are evil, but not every single one of them are. Some do have empathy, they have strong insecurities, but they simply can't admit it because of pride, self image issues and such. And note that empathy is not the same as sympathy. You can relate to someone's pain without caring for it, or even enjoying it.
@@towardsthelight220 Some psychopaths do have a weak sense of empathy, though whether they truly understand the concept or not is hard to tell and debatable. But definitely not sympathy. A psychopath's motive usually is just boredom and curiosity, not malice (unless seeking violence/causing suffering and even then, they struggle with emotions, they can't really truly feel pleasure or sadness or such from someone's misery, just indifference though they may try to sympathize if they understand why it is appropriate to do so, especially with someone who's valuable to them).
My uncle, who's passed on, said something along the lines of "I'm sorry for ruining everyone's lives." The remorse, I feel, was genuine only because they were backed into a corner with their ever declining health problems, and the capacity to revert would always be there, but, they recognized themselves and acknowledged the horrible things that they had done, and the impact that it left on us, to say the least. It's almost like a moment of humanistic clarity, the same way an Alzheimer's patient briefly remembers who they are, but then goes back into an enraged confusion. Rabies of the soul. Sad.
Kevin, You hit a lot of great points in this video. My father needed someone (me) to be the scapegoat for my older brother (the narcissist). From birth, my brother knew that he was better than anyone else. Sadly, for him, not a reality.
People still love them because they are our parents, siblings, spouses, etc. Even though they treat us bad, there are those moments when it's good and we hope that things have changed. We are capable of love and do legitimately still love them.
Maybe not directly, but they can be effective (still dicks, but effective) in building and leading groups. In which case, many of us benefit from their leadership in ALL thingd (govt, companies, community). It's proven that psychos, socios and narcs rise to rule (less compunction and no self policing). We'd be better with normals & empaths would be better but they mostly lose in the fight to the top, just the way it is. But just the same, if you can think of anything organization you enjoyed being part of, chances are it was led by one of the 3 irregular personalities mentioned. So we indirectly get quality time from them, namely under what they run and socializing with others in that organization).
I am just now seeing this video today 5-24, I am a firm believer that things come to us when we need it. This truly has helped me to understand a little bit about my child bio-parent. I have seen plenty of videos about narcissist. I kind of get them, but not the way I get this 1. I can understand now where this person is in their life. I feel I can let go of some of the resentment towards my child other parent. I can try to be more understanding about their situation. It doesn't fully heal my angry for the way my child is treated but I sympathize with the whole ordeal. Thanks for sharing your story. I can relate to this whole thing from beginning to the end. The other parent is still living but I get it. Once again I feel we get what we need when we need it. A year later from when you posted your video, this was the time I needed it. In order for me to heal, understand & forgive the whole situation, Thank you again for sharing. ❤❤❤❤
As 41 yo father of 2 girls and the lights are finally coming on after being raised by a narc father I appreciate you sharing your story. It gives a voice to what I’ve struggled with for 41 years. I have a list of these singular moments where as a boy, man, we are needing just a drop of encouragement, love or recognition and the narc gives such a selfish and unthoughtful remark. We are left wounded and confused. Thanks for what you do and helping me take one step closer to finally breaking my trauma bond with my dad.
I figured it out at about the same age as you.I am 57 now. My dad is as hollow a soul as there is. I feel sorry for him, but not enough to spend any more time with him. Your awakening to this will change your life for the better. Bless you, and the best of luck to you.
I finally "made peace" with my narcissistic father when I realized that his relationship with his parents, and especially with his father, during his life were much more dysfunctional than mine was. When I understood the degree of difficulties he had endured and saw how he tried to do better (even though still imperfect) in raising his own children I became more empathetic and forgave him for his "short falls". He passed away last year and as time passes I have attempted to hold dear the positive memories of him rather than all the negative. He was a flawed man doing the best he could with the abilities he had.
@@jee4899we don't choose our brains. Their is no therapy, no fix for narcissism. So accepting what can't be changed and reality is better than bitterness. I don't tolerate abuse, but you can't learn empathy.
Jesus man. My father died 3 years ago and i think he was a massive narcissit too. Never diagnosed but you get clues. This video of yours helps me really to close with that chapter. I asked myself these three years why he was so abusive to us in the family and never found answers. But when you said your father never knew himself. that made something click in my mind. Grant you theres a lot of thinking id like to do on that but i feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Thank you profoundly. For you this was a 15 minute video. For me this will give me closure for years. Thank you sir.
My mom was diagnosed w/ 4 cancer she lasted about 6 mo. . I was doing no contact at the time of diagnosis. She got other family to call me and get me to go see her. Long story short she mommy love bombed me for 3 mo. I was sooo happy we were finally connecting on a level I had craved for so many years. I was ther for her in every way,quiting my second job to have time for her. Then .. the golden child flew in from out of state . Omg it was immediate and total hatred for me from that point on. I had no idea why ,..but they went on a hate campaign to the rest of the family towards me as well. I dont know and dont care what they were saying but it was effective in that I not only lost her but my entire family. She died. I left the city and moved to the country never to see any family ever again. The greatest gift I have given myself is forgiving her. Life is good, calm and sweet, anymore. I still need to check more people off on my list of forgiving.. but I am happy. RIP , mom.
Greatest gift is to be comfortable alone in this world..2nd greatest gift Is the outdoors, being alone and comfortable in the wilderness is knowing god!!
You were wronged in so many ways you are a good person now love yourself a let the rest go to h.ll you are too good for them love and kindness to you now and forever
My mom told my sister: “I think she (=me) cannot forgive me that I was a bad mom. I know I was but if I could start over again, I probably would do the same, I know myself.” I took care of my mom in her final days, she got totally paralysed and was in a nursing home. She kept ordering me around, was not interested at all in my life. When we emptied the house after her death we found letters and diaries and it become clear that she didn’t love me. Especially because I have kids myself and see the contrast. I hope none of us inherit her character. She had some interesting sides too, but the narcissism was just bad.
@@_filifjonkan4290 You know, about half of the people in these comments are actually the narc, and they are just projecting the narcissism onto their victim and claiming _they_ are the narc...... but I can tell you aren't one of them. I wish you all the best.
The older I get, and the more I do my own work, the more shocked I am when I encounter other adults who haven’t done their own work and don’t know who they are. Sometimes it’s not even that they are running from one thing to another, but they are completely disconnected from their inner voice and instincts.
@@rooster555555 We can call them NPCs, or we can call them psychologically broken individuals. MK Ultra + highly abusive parents can *ruin* an individual's development.
1 On 1 Appt. & More 👉 linktr.ee/theroyalwe
U can’t say that.. That u and your mom weren’t enough for him.. U were an innocent child who probably loved both your parents.. Your parents had problems that had nothing to do w u.. He is the one who left, he was the one w the problem.. Being married is the hardest job u will ever have, being a parent is the most important job u will ever have..
My dad acted like a playboy., my mom ran her own private night club and my dad ran around and drank.. when she divorced him, he never got over it til the day he died..
Narcissists would never ever say they don’t deserve something.. Cuz they think the world revolves around them..
To know oneself one has to love oneself.. He didn’t like who he was cuz he had a hard time showing love, he had regrets, and maybe he thought that he was just too late that u should’ve written him off.. I think it’s more of self loathing..
No u stay a father because it’s the right thing to do.. nowadays it’s hard for people to do the right thing, and most don’t even feel guilty or bad when they do the wrong thing.. THAT is narcissistic.. Having no emotion..
Most people don't know what loneliness is until they're with a group of people who make them feel lonelier than they were being alone.
Oh, do I know what you mean.”
How does anyone MAKE you feel anything? Isn’t what you feel YOUR own reaction to how others behave around you?
i know the feeling
True af
the reason for that is because you cannot act or say with complete freedom. you would be judged by that person. you have to limit yourself. when you are alone you are totally free which is why it feels better to be alone than with a narcissist.
I'm starting to think having good and loving parents is more rare than I thought
Me too
I think these days dysfunctional is the norm.
Then again, the "dysfunctional" had bad parents of their own. And they had their own. And them, their own. And so on and so forth.
It's only with the dawn of psychology and psychiatry that things have been categorised and labelled.
Maybe people are just people.
We try to be civilised but we're just intelligent animals. Some not so intelligent.
There are not enough psychiatrists in the world to heal all of the people who need it.
We're doomed to repeat things, over and over again.
So true my father is 94 and he never thanked me for anything and I cared after him for a long long time 😡
Same here
@@annstar4306 should we expect thanks though? if life is most precious of all(good or bad), is thanking giver enough?
A therapist told me years ago " People need to control themselves not others"
People try to control others because they cannot control themselves
That's true, and well said - in a relationship between two healthy, stable and rational people. That's never how it works with narcissists, though. The only person who can change a narcissist is the narcissist him/herself, and they think they're perfect in every conceivable way. So why on earth would they want to change and control themselves? They have to control and make the other person change, because if something is wrong in the relationship, it's always the other person's fault. It's exhausting!
You can't control others. If you're trying, it explains the psychiatrists.
@@Kari.F.It's abusive. Even worse than being only exhausting.
Enemas are injections of fluids used to cleanse or stimulate the emptying of your bowel.
I lost my brother to suicide in 2022.
4 days before he hung himself, his last cry for help was to tie the rope to a tree at my parents' house, which he was living at. He also left the ladder next to the hanging rope and went about his day.
My dad freaked out on him and said he better not do anything stupid at "HIS HOUSE"
He also told him to imagine how his friends, nephews, parents, feel after losing their kid to hanging himself.
4 days later, my brother actually did it.
My father had a golden opportunity to get my brother help but chose to make the situation about himself.
Now, he gets to play the victim and make the situation about himself for the rest of his life. 🙄
I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sorry that you experienced that. I pray your strength in the LORD IN JESUS' NAME. AMEN. Yes. They ALWAYS find a way to include them and make it about themselves.
What an awful thing to have happen. My Narc. cousin drove his son to do the same. I'm afraid that Empathy and compassion escape them and may not even be possible for them. Its like this disorder has spiritually color blinded them. They only see in black and white with a viscousness that kills all joy around them. All without knowing what they do and the damage it has caused. Out of fear and self loathing this evil comes out of them. We can forgive this debt, but it does not mean that we have to endure their abuse any longer. Amen.
@@ladennayoung2939 It's not about you and your religion either.
@@LAkadianMaybe not. But that father could be cruising for an intolerably warm reception after this life if he doesn't mend his ways.
@@360decrees2there was nothing before life, there's nothing after it.
"My father's dying last wish was that he could hold me in his arms one more time. HE WAS IN THE ELECTRIC CHAIR!" --Rodney Dangerfield
Exactly this, nothing make sense until when you realise that they hold only hate and contempt for you.
Oh, difficult
God, I love Dangerfield
We needed that 😂
Rodney Dangerfield, my favorite comedian😂😂
So your dad never said he regretted "never knowing YOU"...his son! He only cared about not knowing "himself". PERFECT narcissism that never changes.
Where you see eccentricity I see confession and vulnerability
Exactly
Best comnent !
Yep, and the "I don't deserve this." ..... not an apology that his son didn't deserve being abandoned..... still with the "It's all about me." Narcissist to the end.
So very true
I can only say man, that your narcissistic father leaving at 4 years old was probably the best thing that could have happened to you even if it may never seem it.
I've got 19 years of memories of that yelling and screaming. My child hood was a 24/7 war zone.
I totally agree...Staying with a narc parent is more harmful then just being there and staying bk with family and abusing them day and night..That breaks the kid to the extreme level no human should experience..n the biggest problem the kid themselves feel they are the problem as they dont want to accept that the parent is abusive
Right. In some ways, his dad was less of a narc by leaving.
Mine to
Exactly so.
Agreed
my father's last words to me were "u ruined my marriage!" he never took any responsibility for the 56 years of toxicity between him and my mother, they both used me as a scapegoat for their demented relationship.
All children deserve parents. Not all parents deserve children.
My Mom is a narcissist. My Dad was the most loving man the world has ever known. He stayed with her......for us. He KNEW that his presence was paramount to having a good upbringing. His stability and love was the light that guided us to good lives with good relationships and good children of our own. It was a gift He gave us that I didn't recognise until after he was gone. He put up with her BS for 67 years. He did love her, no doubt. But he was treated horribly, as we were, but he stayed. He loved her as well as us kids. Above all else, he conquered. We all have good loving families because of the love he showed us and the blueprint he gave us on HOW to be a good parent. I miss you Dad. Thank You.
That sounds like an unbelievably strong man right there. Sacrificed himself for the ones he loved. The pain he had to go through to break the curse for his children. That’s a man.
Me too. He was often in a bad mood but at least he was sober and serious. I hope he's in Heavan and I will be too.
That's beautiful ❤️
I could easily say this about my Mum. Except 2 out of 5 of us kids have continued the cycle of dysfunction and abuse. Me, I made sure the father of my kids was polar opposite to my psycho violent abusive father. My Mum never knew her biological father (coz of her mother). Her mother (my Nan), had a violent psycho father and she married the first guy that asked her- just to get away from her father. Her mother died quite young with stage 4 cancer after my Nan and her siblings managed to ‘kidnap’ their mother away from their psycho father so she could see a doctor and then find out the awful news. My great grandmother never went back to her psycho husband. He died alone, not being found for 3 days coz no family wanted to go near him. My Nan never loved her first husband and during the depression he went away and my Nan thought she had been abandoned. Nan met my mother’s father and fell in love. Coz she fell pregnant to him while married and he begged her divorce her husband, but divorce was so shameful she didn’t. And her husband begged her to not divorce him and as soon as a mum was born he never let her forget she cheated on him. She had one child to him but because it was a girl her husband continued his affairs and abuse until she saved enough money to divorce him which was a big deal in the early 1940’s. Unfortunately my Mum grew up with major issues as whom she knew as her father treated her terribly. Mum got a step father at 15 and he was a lovely man. But the damage was done. Mum married a psycho abuser too. 😵💫. Never divorced him I think now coz of her abandonment issues. Instead my father abused her to her grave- literally coz I was there and it’s only been 2 years since Mum died and I am still disgusted to my core at my father. I went no contact for my own mental heath, a week before M went to hospital to die. I moved very far away at 21, and that is how I learned to heal and not repeat the mistakes of the previous 3 generations of my mother’s family in marrying a psycho abuser. I know my Nan and Mum were very happy with my darling husband and knew I was finally safe- that my kids were safe.
I have a friend whose father in law thought he was that but in reality he was a denier and would not protect the kids from the narc mother .
I have figured out that if you can't stand up to your wife to protect your kids you are not a real man.
He took a job as a long haul trucker so he was gone 5 days a week. Those 5 days the kids lived in hell.
If there's anything I've learn from a narcisist, it's that NOTHING is ever enough for them. It's like they have a gaping hole inside of them, and they just don't know what to fill it with. You could give them the world and it still wouldn't satisfy them.
This is true
So I'm a narcisist, because I have a gapping hole that can't be filled, because I cna't be content.
but then I'm like bi polar because my younger self can by child self, but since I was raped. I split and part of me is never satisfied, because of the why?
I never knew why and I spent years and years of an anger growing and finally get to a point where I was able to love myself but that part of me that was angry could never be satisfied, because what happened to me was unacceptable. but part of me accepted it, and this created a division in me, and I just wanted the part of me that accepted what happened to be, accept that is reasonable for me to be angry about that kind of action.
and I did achieve that at one point, but then it is like something inside of me was still broken.
Or rather I tried to fix something that wasn't broken, because I tried to fix my anger instead of allowing my anger to be and point it in a way that would help others.
You are honestly right.
@@santosdr2 Everyone has 2 wolves inside them. They are polar opposites of each other, and THEY FIGHT ONE ANOTHER. For you, one is deep seated insatiable anger, and the other is not.
Which wolf wins? You ask?
The one you feed the most.
Native American Proverb.
nothing is ever enough for them and they end up with nothing and no one
Narcissists don't "self-reflect". It's that simple!
Truth
Spot on, Introspection, same thing.
That's just not true.... I have been called a narcissistic. I reflected on my life. I reflected on what I did with my life, who I hurt, things I did, things I said.
I did some amazing things with my life. I did some terrible things with my life. I had multiple relationships with people, with wonderful people, with hateful people. The problem with me though is, I don't actually KNOW if I'm the narcissists.
I was told I wasn't needed in my life. I was told to give up, I had some really bad influences in my life, and some good ones.
I been through a lot of trauma in my life. And to be honest, I was just looking for who I am.
Despite some bad relationships I had with family and people. I seen some amazing things and qualities in people. I see the good and the bad.
Maybe I am the narc, maybe I'm not, but, I self reflect on my own. I been through a lot. I was self harming myself when I was in the 8th grade. Probably even before that.
As I said before I don't know if I am the narc, or if the people I was exposed to were the narcs. Either way, I wish I knew the things that I knew now about the types of personalities.
..and it's sickening.
@@documentedrecords5364 You've used a lot of I's in your comment.
I saw my father on his death bed he saw me and said " remember when i hit you,' laughed and said ' now go away i want to see my real family ' he never changed. One horrible man. Sorry you had to suffer
Oh my goodness. I'm sorry you were born into that nightmare
Narcissists really do live in their own little world where every day is Spy vs Spy and everyone is an enemy.
Don’t worry he’s dealing with judgement from the Almighty 🙏🏾 God bless you and you are better than that low life!
This is exactly why I didn’t let my mom have that chance. Nope….But my brother got burned.
@@Belevaqua I’m sorry about your brother. Let him know to hell with her and you both can live your lives happy without that trash! God bless you both 🙏🏾
My sadistic, narcissistic father threw me out into the street when I was 15. At 15 I was on my own. And because we moved around constantly, and were isolated from all other family, I had no one to turn to, no place to go. But my brother was doted on, could do no wrong. They made him weak, and I had no choice but to become tough. I was the youngest, the baby and the only girl. And they had more expectations of me than the three of them combined. Now I'm in my 60s and have survived them all. I have peace, and joy. And love...so much love. I created the family I always wanted. I had two sons, and went on to adopt two girls, both family members that fell into my lap. If I didn't take them they would be fed into the system. I was able to do everything for those children that wasn't done for me...I protected, and nurtured, and it was healing for all of us.
That's WONDERFUL ❤
There is a special place in Heaven for people like you.
@@hunterfishergather6879 bless you for saying that 🌹
Awesome!!
God bless you - what a strong wonderful woman you are - I have two children who are now young adults - I cannot imagine chucking them out at 15…. How on earth? You are an inspiration, creating a nurturing home that you didn’t have. 🙏❤️
Bless those people who have loving mothers and fathers...some of us don't know what it's like where others get it everyday. Bless those of us who have been tossed out to sea...that we may float and learn to navigate through these deep and sometimes dangerous waters ...and may we find us a safe landing.
Indeed
I was just thinking about that today, how lucky my friend is who has the same first name as I do. But I got the evil parents.
I’m glad I know the truth of who they are, now I don’t waste time looking for a needle in a haystack, for a scrap of love where there isn’t…
A lot of the people I know who maintain relationships with their parents aren’t as solid with them as they seem… They are still not able to be themselves fully with their parents in most cases and end up holding back so they never have to know what happens if they fall short of whatever role is assigned to them.
I have been blessed to have wonderful parents. It is not appreciated by a child when they're a child; at some point however you get close enough to friends, spouses, to recognize..."boy, am I lucky."
If you are raising your kids right, they won't know how good they have it, nor should they, until later in the game.
@@tessarae9127 Sadly, I watched someone die under these circumstances. 💔😭 BROKE my heart.
My narcissistic mother gave me a great gift before she died : she told me she hated herself. It was like all the pieces began to fall into place ; the constant criticism , contempt, judgement- this was really everything she felt about HERSELF and she had been putting it all on me since childhood.
It began the journey back to loving who i am. Im NOT a bad person. Im a good enough - and theres nothing inherently wrong with me. It changes everything.
yeh, they do that hey. good you figured it out.
She was probably raised without love and therefore felt like she was hated as a kid and internalized that. My mother is a narcissist too. She was raised in a highly dysfunctional environment
I have always heard it said...."What you criticize in other people--is really what you hate about yourself"
Thank you for sharing. Condolences to you. I’m glad you recognize your worthiness loved one!
@@dragonfly9209 transference! The wise say an accusation is always an admission. And I believe it.
I didn’t realize until my late 60s that both of my parents were narcissist. I grew up in an environment of blame, shame, and control.. I just turned 70 this month and now I am on the journey of self discovery in knowing who I am.
Sorry to hear that you went through that and lived it for so long, but know that it is never too late to find yourself and discover who you are
Sorry. I know how you feel. Then I married one and mychildren have been damaged.
I love the closing thoughts in this video: Be the opposite of the narcissist. Be stable, be committed, discover yourself, know who YOU are.
Except the narcissist, can’t make that choice because they lack an amygdala. It’s not about choosing to be a narcissist. Their amygdala was stunted during childhood and that’s how they are left without the ability to know right from wrong, or feel love or experience remorse. In fact, this guy’s father experienced remorse and felt love for his kid and regretted his mistakes. That’s not a narcissist. That is someone with low self-esteem, who acted like a narcissist to push people away. There’s a big difference. I wish people would take a psychology course so you know what you’re talking about.
That was the missing puzzle 🧩! I am total opposite of my siblings. Thks 👍
Yes. Very powerful.
@@chelseacraft4669 I believe the narcissist has as many opportunities to grow up as the rest of us, but that’s very painful, so they simply refuse.
It’s a choice.
@@dianagarrison3138 so you are challenging medical science, that the amygdala is the seat of human emotions and synapses are required to translate external stimuli into emotions in the brain. so if a person does not develop an amygdala during puberty they have no ability to process anything into emotions for anyone else, and they only have their base cortex survival instincts of glorifying the self, which you call narcissism. Maybe you should research the science behind what you’re talking about… because it’s physically impossible what you just said. Psychology 101 or college level child brain development that every teacher is supposed to have learned but apparently doesn’t…
I cut off my narcissistic parents and have not looked back. The peace of not dealing with that is priceless. Remember, you are never obligated to deal with anyone negative even if they are family. When you do, you are actually depriving them of the opportunity to self reflect and learn their lesson
Sometimes cutting out toxic ppl can literally save your life.
Not that they WILL self reflect and learn their lesson, mind you. They'll just make up their own narrative and blame you for everything. But at least you won't have to be there taking the brunt of it anymore.
@@themaggattack agreed narcissists don’t regret anything ever. They will never learn there lesson. I had to run far away from my narcissistic family and never looked back. They’ll hate whether you stay or go. The only difference is that you don’t have to suffer anymore.
I agree 👍💯👏
My father learned how to be insecure and second-guess himself from grandpa. As a result, he never took up many hobbies or interests to pass on to me. I never learned how to hunt nor fish, nor any other practical skill from him. Because he had little confidence of his own. I both resent and pity him for that, and I know I can’t get angry with him because he’s too old to go back and change anything from a lifetime of regret. My grandfather’s abuse was a multigenerational curse, and I don’t know who I should be either. And maybe it’s now too late to marry and have children
The difference between a narcissist and those who have suffered ( we all suffer in life) is HUMILITY. “Humility is the one and only characteristic that no devil can imitate.”
They cannot love either, Jesse. Hence their issues with themselves, which is what narcissism is. Others just stumble into their way. Humility, though: Yes! The humble retain their abilities to listen, to relate, to associate, communicate... all the beautiful events and capacities that make life wondrous!
@@michaelmccormack494 Yes, They can't love anyone else because they have no love for themselves.
I appreciate the sentiment but of course there’s false humility and false honesty
@@bright-noise This is very true! It's the same sham they can put on for a very short while and take off briskly! Just a film of humility, or compassion like skim on a lake. Then they pull you under!
Humility AND insight.
First 4 years of my life I just thought that screaming at the top of their lungs was how parents talked to each other.
First 11 for me. I’m still figuring out how to not be a loudmouth fuck
@@michaelbullen3104It’s not your fault for the way you are. Props to you for actually doing something about it.
A lot of us who grew up with narcissistic parents don’t know who we are because we were never allowed to be ourselves. Never allowed to want what we wanted, told we should want something else, told we should want whatever they wanted instead of what we wanted and do what they want us to do instead of what we know in our hearts is right. The internal compass is so constantly gaslit and the internal code is written over with some kind of virus code that we constantly question our own ability to make decisions for ourselves and look to others to tell us what to do. We end up getting so off our true path we can’t get our way back on until much later. Likely your narcissistic dad also had a narcissistic dad and he grew up not being allowed to be himself and thus didn’t know himself because constantly sought validation and direction from other people in an absence of his identity being allowed to grow and develop in childhood. It’s a spiritual stunting.
Soul killing
Exactly
Very well put xx
Yes, 1950 to now pure hell.
And in cases like mine it ends up trapped in the LGBT because we were looking for tender "daddy." I regret it because "the life" was never me. My libido was real but emotionally I felt unnatural. I felt lazy. Top or bottom, it just seemed wrong. I am so glad to have survived that loooooog "phase."
Narcissists don't need people to tell them who they are, they need people to constantly praise, validate and uplift them. If you tell them who they are (the truth! ) and they don't like it, they're not going to stick around to get to know who they are, you'll most probably get dumped through silent treatment or experience their rage.
yep I told my mum the truth about her recent behaviour in September and she's now giving me the silent treatment. ugh.
Amen 🙏 well said
100% correct
That was true w my husband. I did not agree with him hinting at doing some adultery. He seethed and sought out friends to validate his desire to be himself. We had worked to own our home and have children. After having our son, my husband became focussed on outer groups, affairs, his eventual departure. He explained to our son at age 4 that I was
That I was yelling at Daddy too much. I was developing as a mother and clearly knew my husband should want to understand our son and me. Got flack...he didn't need to know.
After 49 years of tolerating my narcissistic parents I finally walked away. I found out 2nd hand my father passed away a couple of years ago. No one bothered to tell me and afterwards it dawned on me that rather than reach out on his death bed to apologize he chose to die and say nothing. His shriveled mean heart didnt change right until his last breath. This was such a huge light bulb moment as I FINALLY got it A NARCISSIST WILL NEVER ADMIT THEY'RE WRONG OR APOLOGIZE. He chose to die full of hate and self pity. This is narcissism in its purest form. How sad for him. What a relief for me cos he can never hurt me again ❤
Why didn’t anyone tell you do you think? That seems odd. Unless the family has a lot of people…like him. That seems to happen a lot.
It's always a Narcassists deep regret after dieing because we have a life review soon after we cross over and shows us every detail of the life we just had along with how you made others feel which is shown by allowing them to feel how their toxic words and behaviors made them feel.
hopefully they will learn and do better the next incarnation and finally get it right.....being in service to oneanother vs working against the other
They don't know. That is my only consolation. They never do realize what aholes they've been.
@@christinerobinson9372 They might not know that they have NPD but they definitely DO know they’re assholes.
I told my father on his. deathbed that this generational dysfunction and abuse ends with me and my children. I’m doing my best and thus far my children and wife are thriving.
Don't worry, your not the only one that was robbed of a father & son relationship. Not having much of a father in my life made me the best father EVER for my son !!! I am soooo happy !!!
You need to understand what a blessing that is. The worst thing imaginable is my grandchildren being raised by a narcissist parent which their father is. It's frightening to think where this is headed.
That’s fantastic! I applaud your efforts!
Though I am aware that it will always be a challenge, I’m in a similar situation. Meaning that we ALL need to maintain our equilibrium and we ALL have our own shortcomings in which to deal with through life. This never ends. And there’s always times when we don’t cope so well and sometimes we just wish that we didn’t have to feel like we’re the only ones who try, and then keep trying anyway. Such is life. Stay strong and keep good people in your life and shun those who are destructive.
Good for you 💖💖
My narc mom's last words... I went to say I'm sorry if I was hard on you to raise (only because my aunt compelled me into it) and the only response from my mom was to continue staring at the ceiling and say, "I must be dying". Needless to say, I left.
@@Wendybird210 *HUGS*
I fear for my grandson. He is an only child. His mother is a narc with anger issues & his father is an alcoholic. I raised that beautiful boy for 5 1/2 years. Then I called out his parents on their treatment of him. Then they cut me out of his life. I worry every day for his safety. My heart is crushed in knowing I will probaby never see him again. My boy needs to know his grandmom loves & misses him. And, I cannot protect him. Please pray for my Hunter. Thank you so kindly.❤
That's terrible I pray you get to see him again ❤️🙏
I feel your Pain ❤️🙏
But how exactly one of those who you raised ended up with narcissism/alcoholism?
@@artyompopov7741 My son chooses to drink. I do not know what triggered it, as he was an athlete and an A student. The drinking became evident about age 29
I have 2 other children who are mature & successful. Interesting to note, their father is a narc.
@@mirriamvalentin8634 Thank you. The grief never ends. I hope you are at a peaceful place in your life. Merry Christmas.🤗
@@irishmermaid4 it looks like a narcissistic trauma.
My narcissistic uncles last words before dying(no exaggeration) were:
"I'm mad because all those women I didn't sleep with"
Well friends, his wife my aunt was one of the most amazing women I've ever met. She was a true saint, an ex nun, faithful and honest and just amazing. She was such a good wife to him.
Disgusting and zero conscious.
One of the biggest things narcissists do is they are excellent at creating an outer facade, especially in relationships but at home are absolutely diabolical. They are a nightmare.
Yes. They are very destructive in a calculating fashion ....and if that aint hate😢
I dont think it matters how good your wife is people do regret using this social construct of man and wife and not valueieng their actual desires..not having had enough sex is one of the biggest regrets on death beds. Totally common thing to say not odd at all.
Oh My God….
"Diabolical" is a freakin accurate description of what they are.
My friend / landlord is one and is an absolute male chauvinistic narcissistic pig!! He’s abusive self centered slob and pervert! I have a few more months living here and my family and I are gone! To another state even. I known him since we were kids if my husband knew half of the disgusting things he’s said to me he would beat him down. I’m tough though so I handle it I give him a what for. But he creeps me out.
I think you nailed it. I dealt with a Narcissist for about 8 years. The one thing I can confidently say about her is that she did not know who she was. And she believed that every human identity was literally just a facade. She couldn't understand that a person could be authentic. She actually believed that faking it was as real as it could get in life. It was an identity crisis of stellar proportions.
Before I knew anything about the narcissist family dynamics, I spent the last months of my mother's life taking care of her as she was dying. One day, I recounted all the things I had done and achieved in my life. I know now that I was looking for the validation and approval I'd never received from her. After reminding her of my accomplishments, she turned to me and said, "No. That was your sister. " I can laugh about it now, but for a long time, it was a terrible pain in my heart.
Wow.... WTF. That just ain't right.... Well if she couldn't say it... dang.... I'm proud of you. I can't say I would have been that nice to her if my mom said that to me. Heck....
They are usually hurtful to the end!
Sorry you had to experience that.
You know what you accomplished and you worked hard to get it and that is fabulous because you did it! You did it!!! Pat yourself on the back and be proud of yourself…. I think that’s awesome … I’m sorry you had a shit for a parent.
Good for you, Debbieroberts. 🙂
Last summer my 101-yr-old narcissistic/autistic bedridden grandmother died peacefully. I was the primary caregiver for the final years because her retired psychopathic children wouldn't help, after her youngest (live at home uncle) got cancer. They shunned her (I had only met Grandma twice in my life) and wouldn't even help their struggling little brother. She did neglect her children so that some were taken away to foster homes, some she put for adoption. So I got to meet this stone-deaf extreme introvert, go through her stuff, realize she'd been plainly autistic from birth and unable to raise children alone though that fact hadn't clicked with my resentful mother at all. When I informed Grandma (on notepad) her brother had passed away, she said "I guess I'm the last one left," to which I wrote "You're not alone! Your daughter is visiting next week. I'm here for you," but truly she was in her own world, as she'd always been, and never spoke again with any substance. It doesn't count for communication when they answer "yes" to ice cream.
At least narcissists, despite popular abuse of the word, aren't really malicious. At base they simply don't know about your feelings one way or another. And if they lunge for the heart they're likely to miss.
Another excuse for their horrible behavior. Your father knew who he was. As a christian I have just about heard it all. My xhusband was a hard core covert narcissist.
He too was on wife number 4 when he died. He was on the phone accusing me to our daughter that he could do more since she was sick. That conversation between h I m and I never took place. Why he told my daughter that lie about me emailing him,I have no idea. I went no contact with him before I knew that may be necessary.
18 years of marriage,I took a car and some furniture. Nothing to do with money, did I request because I knew he would use that to torment me some way. He had many
Excuses for his behavior. He really believed he could confess all his sins and go to heaven on his death bed. I believe my Bible aka the word of GOD. According to That
He didn't make it. Sadly I knew that he knew exactly what he was doing. In his arrogance he couldn't see a good GOD sending him to hell.
That?
To be the opposite of a narcissist- own your mistakes. Say, "Yes- that's my fault. I was wrong." No excuses, no blaming someone else.
I always felt like that was the sign of being a grown up. Sounds like my father never grew up😂
The irony of taking accountability and owning your mistakes is that people stop being mad about them so much more quickly. Most people just want acknowledgement that they’ve been hurt or wronged or that you messed up. They don’t want to punish you. They want to have that moment and then figure out how to fix it.
Taking accountability is like a superpower. “Yes, you’re right, what I said was wrong and I’m so sorry. Thank you for telling me.” Crisis over!
@@rixatrixThat is what those of us who are not narcissists want. People who are not narcissists will then quickly stop being angry, look to resolve the issue and move on. But a narcissist will keep on punishing you, as long as they can, when you apologize for something, however small. That's how my mom is. I learned, at a young age, that it wasn't safe to apologize to her, because that would just bring on more anger from her, more rage.
Only if it's actually your own mistakes. Know to differentiate saying sorry as a habit than actually being sorry for what is appropriately your mistake. Too many people in abusive relationships say sorry just to make things "peaceful".
My brain always has me saying “Yea- that’s my fault. I was wrong- but you did B, C, and D and that also hurt me, so give me the closure I just gave you”
Idk how to express my pain in treatment without coming off like I’m excusing my behavior? What’s the difference?
Mine passed one week after finally receiving his cancer diagnosis. I sat with him at his home just a few hours before his passing -- his last words to me were "I love you, kiddo." That's all I ever really wanted to hear from him my whole life. I had already forgiven him and my only desire was that he would come to Christ before he passed.
God bless you. I am so glad you have Jesus.
Amen ❤️🙏🏿✝️
You're so lucky, not to diminish your troubles in the past but at least you have that ❤️ I wish my mum had left me with some kind words but unfortunately not. Hold on to it x
Now THIS is a wonderful testimony.
My Dad is 87, he has never told me he loves me
my father was in hospice, i called him twice daily, my last conversation i asked him " is there anything you need from me?" his response was " no, i don't think there is" and he hung up, not even a good bye. he passed less than 12 hours later.
There’s a lot of people that do not want to go deep then I wanna look in the eye they don’t wanna kiss you on the face just chitchat.
Wow. 🙏🏻💜Gd bless you. Hope your life is filled or becomes filled with the love you deserve.
thank you@@StoryShiftYT
I mean, I've never had a parent die, but they are literally on deaths bed. How can you expect them to be articulate and social and in a level headspace? This is a genuine question maybe a dumb question idk
I saw a quote that I found to be true:
A Narcissist gives you just enough hope to hold onto....
absolutely nothing.
Ha!
I discovered this by repeatedly trying to make new memories with my elderly mother, but inevitably she kept showing what a terrible mistake I was masking by trying to love a Narcissist. They make it impossible to love them.
@lauramartinez7057 Don't be like me. A person that chases the venomous snake, to convince it I didn't deserve to be bit, thinking an apology would be the anti-venom.
This is very helpful❤
@@robertillnevertell1507Really appreciate that. For a long time I had a boy scout leader who treated me so terribly and I wondered if talking to him about how his behavior was wrong and he hurt me would be healing.
I was wife number one and my daughter was born at the end of 1968. You could have been describing her father. I think it was the 'era' partly but it was also the need to be 'fed'. I lost the ability to adore him before we were married and still went ahead. He punished me for that. But what was I to know? Both my mother and stepfather were narcissistic. It's all that I knew. Since then I've learned how to own my own feelings, how to recognize what is foreign to my understanding of the situation, how to love myself and to a degree, heal myself. I will soon be 73. I've worked so hard for so long. My reward is the best most loving man to whom I have now been married to for nearly 9 years. It's never too late.
Blessed be every second of peace, tranquility and happiness. I was married to one for 16 years… the misery that somehow he managed to bring about unexpectedly, without any need, just because….. regardless of being loved, tolerated, cared for. Reading your words give me hope. Perhaps I will get lucky and find real love. Thank you for sharing! Smile!
Congratulations. Truly great.
God bless you and your husband. I pray I get married to someone loving in life as I am 42. This encouraged me!
I'm so glad that you found a loving husband, Dawn. I still believe in love, though I was married to a narcissist for decades,... and of course, didn't get to experience love from him.
Happy for you!
My dads last words that revealed him were…”I look at people assets or non assets.”
He was a horrible father and person.
I healed a long time ago but now helping my brother. He was most affected.
My dad died broke and alone.
He was cruel and hateful to anyone who didn’t play his game. 4 people came to his short goodbye in a church and I wasn’t one of them.
He was buried with no ceremony or people around.
The last words he spoke to me were extremely hurtful. I had flown 2500 miles to help him and he attacked me and disappeared until an aunt got word from a random person that he was in hospice.
It’s a long story and full of hateful behavior but I know it’s possible to live a happy life despite these people.
My sisters and I did help my father when he got sick and died. It was 3 months, and we only did what was necessary for someone else to take care of him. We also went to his funeral. I still think we were too generous. Of course, his death was a relief we were waiting for so he's not missed at all.
What a miracle that you are a caring person despite having a father like that.
I’m so sorry you had this father. I hope you have kind and loving people surround you. You deserve good people around you. I was a hospice nurse and took care of a man who was a nasty person and narcissist. His poor wife got stuck with him when he was kicked out of three nursing homes. The last time he bit a nurse when she was taking his blood pressure. Long story short: I could see right through his motives and knew exactly how to calm him down. But the experience was an eye opener into the mind of an aged cruel person. Even though his children lived 5 miles away, they never visited.
Just so I understand, he looks at people as assets or non-assets? Or he looked at their assets and non-assets?
@@mqua4610 How did you calm him down?
The important thing to remember when your narcissistic parent ages, is that they don’t change. It’s important to figure out who you are and realize your worth because you will probably never get validation from that parent. Once I accepted that fact, I was able to release the anger and sadness I felt about not having the mother I needed. I am there for her in her old age even though she wasn’t there for me….but it’s my choice mainly because it makes things easier on my father who always tried to stand up for me, and at 91 still does. On,y those who lived with narcs know the pain and struggle we endure.
My father's last words to my mother were unspeakable horrible words. I grew up hearing this kind of talk all my life. Really was devastated knowing it was how he chose to speak to my mom one last time. Yes, I was in their living room with him angrily looking at both of us. Narcissists never stop believing they are the victims.
That is absolutely horrific. It's like a horror film. My Dad was like that often and violent but only when he drank Whiskey which was regularly. BUT when he died from Cancer he had not drunk alcohol for months. He died surrounded by me and my Mum n my sister who he had abused all our lives but we knew the real man without alcohol who we loved. If my father had died being abusive I don't know how I cd have processed that. I pray you live in Peace and can forgive him. I pray your lives will be full of kindness and Love from now on. 🧡💫🦚
The Narcissist I used to date when years after the breakup I texted him condolences for his mother’s death he texted back .. “she served her purpose.” Wtf Puts perspective on his outlook.
did u confront him and demand he stop? I would have, regardless of his response/
@@sylvie9256
Yikes
That's not cool. Sorry you went through that. I hope you are doing well. And not having narcissist in your life.
From extensive experience, I think the common denominator within narcissists, is that they do not take responsibility. My ex had a stable career. He kept total control of our sons, two of whom killed themselves i. The past two years. Not all narcissistic people manifest their lives in the way your father did. But they do all blame others for their own bad behaviour and failures.
So very sorry for the loss of your sons. May you find comfort.
As a eldest child my family lost 3 siblings due to illness.
I recall how comforting it was to firmly believe that their journey has ended and all was achieved in their short lives. And that it was our lesson to learn just how perfect they were in their coming and going.
How to seek their purpose and believe and truly know this for your sons???
Wishing you well with all my heart ❤️
God bless you. I'm so sorry for your loss.
When I was 12, my brothers and I visited my father at his job as a aerospace engineer. His co-worker told us how nice he was to work with. That was the day I hated my father. I realized that he could be kind to other people, but chose to be abusive to his family. For 29 years, there was no contact. He died last November from Covid. I was told that he cried about me. I'm relieved that he is gone.
You project reality through eyes from inside head. We created this reality to be able to fail and learn since as God's we are perfect. Split God in duality so we can learn like an artificial intelligence learns fastes playing its self
Hope u find your healing of trauma
@@sadhu7191 wow ...very interesting..I like it👍🏾💥🔥
When my dad painted only the outside side od the front door of our house and left it that way for years, well that told me who is he putting in front position instead of his family. Hej cared what People on the outside thought about us. They were the priority.
@@vanessasmith6925 or the outside was more weathered and needed it more
You are a strong person , sir . Married to a narcissist for 56 yrs . I am tired waking on egg shells .
15 when we meet . Married at 19 . We are old and time is short .
And yes , it is what it is !!!!
Growing up, I knew my Father was a strong man. His arms had the muscles of a Master Plumber, those
3 foot cast iron pipe wrenches were heavy. He always had time for me, and often took me fishing,
camping, hunting, and taught me everything. He loved me. Thanks Dad, I turned out OK. Grateful.
Glad you had a great father bro. I didn't have one. And it sucked
lucky u ...most of us watching this have not had that
you are so fortunate in that it is nice to hear of people who had normal relationships.
Awww how lovely to read this. You sound so proud of him and its lovely to see you had a father who cared. There is hope.
B*tch! I'm jealous. Just kidding. That's beautiful. lol
I walked away from my Narcissistic mother 2 years ago. I don't hate her for things she said and did to me as I was growing up but you can't fix a toxic relationship with a person who is never wrong and won't change. You can't bring new energy into the same ongoing situation. God Bless you all ❤️
😢 true that ..sad part lm out by my siblings are still with her ..it does not sitt well with me at all
My mother is the same. Never wrong, never at fault, unwilling to change in any way, won't take responsibility for her actions. Oh, she's 86.
@@IndianOutlaw1870 Same!SAME!! Right there with ya!! ❤️
I feel for you i was pretty much the same she could never say sorry.
I grew up with a narcissistic dad, and now my son has been married for 12 years to someone who might be my dad's equal, just not as physically strong so not as capable of physical damage. (She did blacken his eye with a shoe, though. I asked him then, if he'd done that to her, what would've happened? He said he'd've at least spent the night in jail. So is it okay for her to do it to you? No. But he loves her and is committed and I'm sure she also has her charms, maybe they get to do the honeymoon thing over and over? It's not boring?) Anyway he hasn't spoken to me now for close to two years; covid and things messed with a lot of relationships, but I knew without his telling me that it was "for her sake". This week I made an attempt to reach out, just got a health diagnosis that isn't fatal or anything, but just catapulted me into "old age" and you really don't know, ever, how many days you'll have. She responded, and in the space of three short texts, I realized--maybe this wasn't my son's intent, maybe it was--he isn't protecting her from me, he's protecting me from her. And I have to let them go, probably will never have a relationship with him again as long as he's with her. I don't THINK she'll kill him.... 😞
Nothing is ever enough for a narcissist. It has NOTHING to do with you. I am sorry you experienced that growing up and that your mother did too. It's a horrible lesson to learn and experience but it does teach you a lot and allows you to help others which you are doing, right now. Thank you for sharing
is very sad
true narcissism is a defense mechanism, it helps to understand that they come from a place of feeling small/inferior. not saying you should feel sorry for them but that's the truth, you can see them for what they are
@@domingorodriguez3077 no no, I stayed for 13 yrs of trying to understand the little boy i could intuitively see was damaged. It's not my trauma to heal, that's his and he never chose to take responsibility to heal it for himself. Worrying about their trauma is how so many nice people stay too long. I divorced him him 2017 then found out he hit and emotionally abused one of our daughters on his weeks then i took him to court. What helps is leaving, getting EMDR/ trauma therapy and exposing them so they know you mean business and won't accept their behaviour. He now teaches " kundalini meditations" and is posing as a spiritual teacher with groups of women. They never learn or change they just find new nice vulnerable people as supply to leach life and empathy from to fill their black hole souls.
@@domingorodriguez3077 so they feel inferior inside ?
@@sergiogarciamartinez7470 yes, they lack self esteem so they demand others validate them all the time and will lose their shit if you don't. they're very fragile people and can't face themselves
My heart goes out to you. I've worked with too many clients who suffered with a narcissistic mother or father, and sometimes both. NPD is the most horrible and tragic mental illness, because there is no self-awareness or insight, only a persistent delusion of grandeur, arrogance, entitlement, and victim complex. They aren't capable of love, only exploitation, manipulation, and pursuit of power and control. They treat all people as means to a selfish end. If a person can't be used or exploited, they are completely devalued. You can never reason with them or appeal to their empathy, because they have none. Some combination of genes, complex trauma, and neurological differences might explain NPD, and sociopathology as well. Thank God you survived, many don't. You are a great person for sharing your story. God bless!
It's demonic. People open doors, let demons in. Demons are all narcissists
What you have said is absolutely true. I was married to a textbook narcissist. There is complete lack of introspection.
Zero accountability & pathological liars the trademark of a psychopath...
They are not capable of introspection because that would involve challenging their grandiose vision of themselves.
Narcs have huge, but incredibly fragile egos. They are among the mentally weakest groups of people in our society.
Makes sense what you say. I wasted 19 years of my life with a narcissistic girlfriend (daughter of a narcist father who was a nightmare). She was constantly seeking the attention of other men. I came out of this relationship with serious depression and a alcohol problem. Later I married a good woman, and I am ok now.
I hope this happens for my son. 😢
Maybe working on internal happiness would help? Not relying on other people to make/break happiness? If not you're playing the narc game. Unfortunately even the victim won't make it out if they don't take responsibility (if they don't the narc will). Stop blaming, we all have choices (minus children). I mean that in an impowering way (a victim cant leave, they have no choice but decide you're not one, then you can choose to leave). We can trap ourselves because we're convinced we're powerless but that's not true (exactly what the narc wants us to think) be the opposite!
am happy for both of you
@@hollyclough6761Well said! 👏🏼
I'm happy for you!
My narcissist mother: "I did the best I could." She never admits wrong doing or causing harm.
Same here. It's as if they believe that statement alone nullifies any and all of the damage they did.
That is exactly what my narcissist mother says! I’ve let go of wanting her to actually taking responsibility for any of her behavior.
Sounds like something a narcissist would type about their mother.
She's not wrong. Shortly before she died my narcissist mother apologized for being such a bad mother and my honest response was to assure that she did the best she could and no one can hope for more than that. It gave her some comfort without my having to lie. You have to let it go; it just hurts you if you don't.
@nancybatch7007 Sorry for your loss🙏 I agree with you. the context that I didn't share is that I was seeking to repair the relationship. To build trust, I needed her to understand what isn't healthy behavior so that the harm could stop . Unfortunately, without acknowledgement and acceptance of her part, we couldn't move on to establishing new behaviors because I don't trust that the pummeling will stop.
“Something that you can’t give to yourself, nothing external will”. I had never seen it that way, when you said what he told you: “I don’t deserve this”, and that was his belief, that he believed he didn’t deserved a peaceful/ healthy/ loving family, that was his original infant wound. that is why he let it go, he believed he was not worthy of such. Amazing.
A true narcissist is a broken empty person.
This is what I learned from 23 years living with a narcissist.
I would go so far as to say "demonically possessed". There's not a human being in there. They are some other thing, some other species.
I have found that to be true barring one - my mother in law. I won’t bore you with the story suffice to say that we finally found out the extent, the staggering extent, to which we had ALL.been conned by her when she had a stroke last year and entered residential care at the age of 86. My point being she was most definitely not damaged or weak or any of the traits common in narcissists.
I was going to comment the same thing. After 22 yrs of marriage I can look back and see clearly what was happening. He needed to break down everything about me that HE didn’t have. Apparently he’s empty inside and his attacks on me were attempts to fill the void.
But I’m still me. And he’s still broken. I got away.
@@julianndavis9415 I can’t help but wonder, after 22 years, how long did it take you to heal, ie return to normal???
@@catherinewilson1079 I’m not healed. But I’ve got a therapist who is very experienced with survivors of narcissistic abuse.
Your dad left an awesome son, named Kevin. Thank you so much for the video!
Dad had to have done at least one of two things right...
well said
You don't recognize a Narcissist when you see one, do you? Why is it that Kevin talks only about himself and what _he_ wants and feels? I've met Narcs before and there is a pattern: everything in their past has been designed to cause them pain. And abusive spouse; an abusive parent; abusive siblings... They tell you when you first meet them that they are innocent victims of life as they denounce their own families in order to garner sympathy.
A bit like Kevin. What kind of insecure PoS uses pictures of his own parents in order to co-opt your hatred for them? Here's a picture of my dad; he was a right b'stard...
Kevin is a user and he has found a source in you.
You might be right. Maybe not? Trauma does horrible things to people. Be careful. Once you start dissecting a narcissist, you might become one yourself.
@@annettemoolman6504 Well, this channel would appeal to those who have been traumatized in the same way that lost and confused people go for Tarot Card readings or consultations with a medium or spiritualist.
Decent people write one good book that contains the information you are looking for. Why is Kevin writing the same book every week and changing only the title to give the impression that he has released a new book? (Metaphorically speaking, of course.)
If you _really_ need help, go make some good friends who are prepared to be honest with you. This guy is not your friend.
The last words my narcissist dad said to me before he died was "I love you baby"...come to find out he left everything to a stranger that he met six months earlier..that he promised to me for taking care of him for five years...i had no life for five years...just took care of my dad.
That’s so cruel, hope your doing well x
such a sorry thing to do to you
I am so sorry. You didn’t deserve that. Hugs.
I’m sorry. My father is a wide awake nightmare and takes great pleasure in bringing it up every so often that every single dime and possessions go to step mom. I don’t even imply anything about money or whatever he keeps saying my truck is all yours. Wtf. I just don’t react once my whole life he broke down crying looking to justify his outrageous actions and behavior and abuse. Like it was out of love.
My dad abandoned us 3 girls...it was in his last five years of life that I had the opportunity to be around him..before I used to say " you know what's worse than losing a parent is having a parent that is still alive..and not around.."
I look at past photos of my narcissist parent too, viewing them from a different adult lens now. When I identify the narcissistic facial expressions in the old photos, it helps me realize that I am not the cause of the unhappiness. Apparently the adult children of narcissists are plagued by guilt and shame that "they are always the problem." It helps to know the problem existed in the mind of the narcissist before us.
My narcissistic abusive father showed me how to not be like him so I hugged my children every day
Yes! They can be role models in a reverse way. I too, learned how NOT to be with my children!
That’s so good! I’m happy u can do it now;) God Bless your heart!
Dido
😢🤗
Man, I read the comments and my heart breaks for ya'll and at the same time I feel so grateful. My father passed away in August and his last words to me were "I love you". He said that he loved me countless of times. But it was like he knew he needed to say it one more time before he passed. No person is perfect, but my dad was perfect to me. I learned what real love is thanks to my parents. They spent 62 years together. Love never dies. I love you Dad.
This is so beautiful and makes me very happy to hear this. God bless you and your family. R.I.P to your Dad ❤
@@GlamourBella , just read your response. Sorry it took me a while. Thank you for your kind words.
@NefariousZ awww that's so sweet! You are very lucky to have had a loving father. I, too have amazing parents. They weren't perfect but I felt loved. They showed me what a real loving relationship is supposed to be about.
I dated a narcasstic man because he reminded me of my father, thru his love of classic rock music, guitar playing, a goofy sense of humor. They even looked similar with their big noses, receding hairline, and lanky build. And so I put my ex on a pedestal....dumb I know.
@Susel my thoughts exactly.
@Susel Yes! I wonder what draw you to watching this video. If there are no narcissists in your life, why bother.
My ex husband is a narcissist and the interesting thing is that our problems really started after our son was born. He was no longer the center of the universe and his son was getting all the attention. He would get mad when I would breastfeed the baby. It was incredible to see and horrible at the same time. That was when I knew I was in trouble. I don’t regret the relationship because my son is wonderful. But that period of time until the divorce was awful. I used to say, “I gave birth to one baby and got two.”
That is pretty much what happened to me as well. Mine started to have an online affair when our son was 5 months old and he left us when our son was barely 10 moths old. His affair did not translate to real life. He went on to marry a woman with 4 kids, but those kids were in another country. Then back in June 2015 they had 2 of the children to live with them. He went on to have s3x with his 15 year old step daughter and only got away with it because the terrified girl withdrew her police statements and fled the country.
We are both better off without them.
That's absolutely horrible, but it's entirely different when you are born into a family infected with a narcissist you cannot escape, they are there from your first breath, destroying your self-worth, confidence, innate potential, your stability, gaslighting you, sabotaging you, humiliating you, diminishing your innate talent and dismissing your accomplishments, amplifying your mistakes and broadcasting your failures, bashing and reducing you to your sibling(s) to ensure no love or emotional bond b/w you is possible, poisoning everyone's ear about you before they meet you, working tirelessly to set you up for failure and misery, throughout your entire formative years. How does that damage ever get undone, how does that person ever grow up to become a confident productive member of society, reach their full potential and go on to self-actualize? Is it even possible.
@@milumav Hi there, just to share that I was born into the situation you described in your comment. When I was 5, in exchange for not killing myself, I told God (Yahweh) that I would put up with anything as long as He had a purpose for my life. God responded by telling me , "Of course I have a purpose for you." I could feel Him smiling as He said it almost dismissively, as if He always knew I was going to ask and He had everything mapped out already.
So, to answer your question, Yes, victory is possible. The journey to victory may be long and difficult, but "long and difficult" is not the same is"impossible" ."The things which are impossible with men are possible with God." (Luke 18:27 NKJV); "with God all things are possible" (Matthew 19:26 NKJV).
Isaiah 54:11-17 (The Message Version):
You’ll be built solid, grounded in righteousness,
far from any trouble-nothing to fear!
far from terror-it won’t even come close!
If anyone attacks you,
don’t for a moment suppose that I sent them,
And if any should attack,
nothing will come of it.
I create the blacksmith
who fires up his forge
and makes a weapon designed to kill.
I also create the destroyer-
but no weapon that can hurt you has ever been forged.
Any accuser who takes you to court
will be dismissed as a liar.
This is what God’s servants can expect.
I’ll see to it that everything works out for the best.”
God’s Decree.
Isaiah 49:24-26 (The Message Version):
"Can plunder be retrieved from a giant,
prisoners of war gotten back from a tyrant?
But God says, “Even if a giant grips the plunder
and a tyrant holds my people prisoner,
I’m the one who’s on your side,
defending your cause, rescuing your children.
And your enemies, crazed and desperate, will turn on themselves,
killing each other in a frenzy of self-destruction.
Then everyone will know that I, God,
have saved you-I, the Mighty One of Jacob."
that's weird. my husband was so happy when I had our son. . we had been married during Nam.I became Navy wife. it all was bad.
he ended up aw-ol. .
recovered from that!.
he drank a lot.
moved alot. had a baby girl. 4 yrs later, our son., he ran off with a female, floosy ,I'll say, with her new baby & little boy.!!
he wanted his son. after I survived years no support from him. he tried to get custody in courts. but No. so he was mad & stole them from me..
. threatened to take to Canada I'd never see them again.authorities backed off.took time, I got them bak. he passed away few years after.. but my son was devastated!!!! Still is. it's tore us up.. he sort a blames me!!! all I wanted was my kids to be happy. not mentally & emotionally hurt.
Same
I told my dad "You're gonna die alone." After he threatened to take the house away from my mom and brothers. My dad left the house years ago, but i still maintained a relationship with him. He hadn't lived in the house for years, but thought that because some paperwork was in his name he had the right to kick us out. We knew he was incapable of doing so, but the fact that he threatened to do that in the first place proved to me he was no longer worthy of my time or love.
My narc father died alone. Him dieing was the best thing he ever did for me and my mom. The sad thing is he didnt do it 40 years sooner
Agreed. I get that!!
Im sorry you went through that. I pray for yours and everyone here that they may heal in Jesus name. God bless.
My dad left home at 70 years old he was covert narssist porn addicted thanks God he left
At 68 I finally am beginning to know myself… mostly because of the things that I have suffered and learning how to live. Love doesn’t just happen. Love is a choice. Some people are easier to love than others.
❤
I'm finding it really difficult to love my covert narcissist cousin that's living with my family.💔. My mom, dad and my brother don't see it. But I do.😠
Love is NOT a choice. Love happens, or it doesn't. Love happens despite yourself. You just have to recognise it.
@@fredneecher1746, in the scriptures God commanded husbands to love their wives even as Christ loved gave himself to the church it’s a commandment. It is a moral choice.
@@fredneecher1746Another man telling a woman what is what....hey Fred, go do something manly...big boy. JERK
My dad too was a narcissist, but the situation was different. He didn't stray and stayed married to my mom until he died. We have a small business, and because he was good at what he did he thought he was perfect and thought he should run everything. He treated me like crap, but he carefully guarded it. That way if I told anybody they wouldn't believe me. He treated strangers good, but only because he didn't know what buttons to push. Once he knew he treated them like crap too. He wouldn't treat people like crap who might retaliate and kick his ass. He died when I was 35, and I never in my life ever heard him say I'm sorry to anyone, except one time when he apologized to somebody who he pissed off and was about to kill him. Apologizing to save your neck doesn't count because it isn't genuine. If I had it to do over I would have left right after high school. I hoped it would get better but it never did. My advice to anybody in a situation like this: get out if you can.
I think this is true. I appreciate you sharing this, it is very healing for me. My dad left when I was young and also went thru multiple marriages. My mother was committed to several state hospitals my entire childhood. When my father died he left his estate to the adult daughter of his last wife (he outlived his divorced wives who were all younger than him).
I always felt rejected my entire life, as though I wasn't enough for him to ever protect or care about and then his final act before his death was the ultimate rejection in favor of someone he didn't even raise, someone unrelated to him. I loved him dearly but always felt it was never reciprocated. He moved some miles away and it was always me traveling or reaching out to see him, never the other way around.
Your video helps me to understand it wasn't anything about me at all, but likely because he could never find who he was and he left what he had to the person nearest to him at the time of his death.
There was no contesting his after life choices because the woman, my step sister, was very likeable and seemed to have a greater need than I (though my father could not have known that). It just would have been nice for him to acknowledge his only daughter apart from the several several step daughters over the years with a letter or small treasure.
I have been given a healing balm by watching this video. It wasn't me, it was never any flaw of my little self. It was the flaw of his own mind searching for himself.
My narcissistic mother didn't say anything to me before she died because she wasn't speaking to me, which was typical
Same, my mom passed while cold shouldering me
My sister was so confused and felt bad for me
Gosh that's hard.I hope you find some peace.
X
@@looweegee252My mother has cold shouldered me my entire life.Cold distant. My brother is her favorite. I only talk to her on mother's day and her birthday. And only for 10min. She is lucky to get that.
My narcissistic sister told me she went to lunch with her very best friend & terminally ill husband. All my sister could say was that her best friend was angry about her husband’s impending death.
As nurses we could understand that but my sister was most indignant when she said to me:
“I don’t think I’ll see her again, she doesn’t want to spend time with me”
I was dumbfounded ‘spend time with you’ -her husband is terminally ill & near death & they have a baby!
I had a friend who now I know was clearly disordered, I met with her one day and her usual moaning about the lack of attention from her husband (who she had already cheated on) me who had just lost my job and have had many stresses in my life which looking back she never asked how I was etc, I said to her but his (her husband) father just died, and it was like she had never even thought about that he would be grieving but it's all about her, she even made him go to a wedding (her cousins) on the same day of his father's funeral! I remember her phoning me to tell me his father had died and her moaning that it was on the same day as the wedding!
@@mysticpizza02 This has to be more than a trauma based childhood, something is clearly missing inside this person. Perhaps a soul?
@@davidiscool3326, soul is defined as a life-giving whatever. So if it is alive, it has a soul. Plants and animals included.
@@seriouscat2231 but not necessarily a conscience, nor connection to spirit (different than soul)
@@davidiscool3326 Don't dehumanize people. We aren't supposed to stoop to their level are we?
My mother stayed married to my horrible father. Because of that I divorced my narcissist!! I'd had enough. Single is much better!! From Greer SC ❤️
Wow, you got actual emotions out of him that’s impressive. I know my father’s “last words” will be silence. I can guarantee it.
This is really interesting. What shocked me the most about my narcissist ex boyfriend is that he tried a lot to manipulate me just to keep me liking him, but when he noticed I was fed up with his lies and insensitivity, he immediately stopped fighting for the relationship. I told him that I was unhappy, but we still had years of history together and I wanted to keep being friends with him at least, and that's when he turned his back without any regret. He didn't want to question himself, not even for a moment, to fit in my expectations. He had no respect for our history together, everything that we shared. As the time passed and I started to better understand him, I realized WE didn't really share anything, I was alone all the time. It's been almost 7 years from that moment and I'm still trying to heal.
I'm proud of you for being honest.
It shouldn't take that long to heal. Reach out to experienced professionals.
Our experiences are exactly the same, wow! There it is spelled out perfectly and it's identical. Ty for that.
You haven’t healed because you have not realized your own value. This man made you totally reliant on the value he assigned to you, and then you weren’t even worth that to him. You can’t accept that he devalued you after allowing you to believe you deserved the little he gave you.
You need to figure out your true worth, set boundaries and do not accept inferior treatment. That’s when he will be a distant memory… a mistake you won’t want to remember. 😊. Godspeed.
There are no 'shoulds'@@irielion3748
Woah! Make sure you don't assume someone is a narc, solely based on the fact they seem lost and don't know who they are. That can be traits of a person like me, who was abandoned at birth and raised in an orphanage. The defining factor is empathy. Narcs have no empathy and have no regrets. They NEVER say sorry
Narcissists are not capable of love and lacks empathy, they are takers who only breadcrumbs others ‼️Narcissistic mothers destroy their babies bcs they don't mirror, hug and comfort them, their children are not allowed to have boundries or show feelings ‼️A Narcissistic mother only see her child as an extension of themselvs ‼️Dr Judy Rosenberg have good videos about Narcissism and Narcissistic mothers ‼️✳️Starseed INFJ Heyoka, Scapegoat of two Narcissistic parents.
Covert narcs says sorry all the time. They just don’t mean it and don’t do anything to change their behavior.
Agree
If they apologize they never mean it.
Also just because someone has narcissistic tendencies does not mean they meet the criteria of Narcissistic Personality Disorder
My father never felt he had much of a family growing up, being abandoned to boarding school since 10 years old. No wonder he struggled being a dad himself and having empathy. My mother was first generation go-girl, all about career. Both were concerned primarily about status and money, us kids were mostly just status symbols to show off. Once I told my parents I never really felt lived. The prompt response: "We always gave you nice Xmas presents"
😂 That's just what they say, too! They just don't get it.
$#i! .Mom ,Dad it was your bloody heart I wanted 😰
They clearly do not get the important things in life. As Jesus said "Man does not live on bread alone' - i.e material things will not satisfy us.
Fuck. That's rough.
@@elenimoudakis966 Can't give what you don't have.
Profound words never spoken before. My dad disowned me 10 years ago. He died back when. Good riddance. He was a real narcissist to a fault. I never liked him. He never liked me. I did fine in life. Carried his casket. Never shed tear. I don't have compassion for a "Never Man". Never grieved. God knows where that pos belongs.
My mother’s last words to me before she died, she touched my purse and said “what do you have in there, bricks?” Me, “ yes, mama, bricks.” She always found something to criticize me for. 😐
😆!!! I'm sorry to laugh, but she sounds exactly like my demon mother. That's absolutely insanity... I hope you are healing and are in a better place. These psychopathic demons are just.... beyond understanding. Their entire lives, all they wanted was to "one up" someone else, but in the end, all they did was alienate themselves from everyone else, while blaming everyone else for the reason why they are alone.
You should have told her they were gold bricks, that's how you roll. Pay for everything by breaking off a little piece of gold.
Have a great day.
My mom's last words to me were that I'm a bad person and should go to prison and die there. I shouldn't be in society
@@benjammen7041 Oh no.....
I am sorry that this was said to you...Pfff.
I am afraid for the last words of my egotistic, egocentric and negative mother towards us, the children...This has been bothering me for almost 17 years now..
@@benjammen7041 thoughts are with you. That's just brutal. You're amazing. ❤️
@@benjammen7041 That's called projection. Don't even think about it again.
I remember spending a night at the hospital with him, 3 days before he died... his last words to me, with a very demanding tone in his voice were don't sell my land and don't sell my house... he wanted to stay in control even after his death, the only thing he was worried about were material stuff;
Dead people can't make demands. Live in peace.
@@ifeawosika966 no shit... buy some glasses
@H&N vv Relax. Your passive aggressiveness isn't helping anyone.
@@ifeawosika966 who needs help??😂😂😂.
@@nohana2003You're a funny one.
My ex-narc husband knew he had a personality disorder. He said to me one afternoon. "My problems run too deep. I don't feel unless you feel". That chilling direct quote from his empty soul left me speechless. He will likely say the same thing on his deathbed. "I never knew myself".
My ex told me once that he doesn't know what feelings are. That he is only able to feel anger and rage. What an empty life...
They are thoroughly boring people and they know it!
The narc in my past once told me he had "run out" of empathy for me. Because I saw how soulless he really was.
The hardest thing in the world is being a mother of a narcissistic son.
It’s perpetual mourning.
I love my children more than life itself, having to admit that I will never have a normal loving relationship with him is more devastating than is humanly conceivable. I can’t think of any other challenge in life more devastating for a mother than the inevitable distain and degradation of narcissism from your own children. I have to stop myself from reaching out to him, usually in a heap of tears, and wake up from dreams of our once beloved relationship.
The pain is never ending.
😢
"The hardest thing in the world is to be a woman in a situation." Shut up. I'll wager he's a narcissist because he learned it from you, as all women are some degree of covert narcissist. Every last one of you. Your narcissism is on display as you center yourself as the worlds greatest sufferer. But in reality, I see you.... my mother was like you and my father a sadist sociopath. I can spot you ghouls miles out.
I understand 💔🙏
I am so sorry for the pain you feel. 😢❤❤❤❤❤
@@JohnnyB-Trading Sorry; I didn’t mean that. My heart goes out to you ❣️
@@JohnnyB-Trading yes I imagine so as mothers typically get more attached to their children than fathers do.
It’s sad but when my narcissistic father died, while there were good times he was a raging manipulator and narc….so
It was a total relief. I had issues for a while mainly out of the guilt I felt for being relieved and not sad that he was gone. I’ve since realized it’s normal to feel that way 😀
I remember a feeling of relief when I got the call. Other family too.
Where there never any good, humane moments with him for you at all? Did he ever still make a fatherly gesture, sopport you by earning money from work, mend things? Or have some ideals? If not, I am so sad for your sake and hope you got support and love in other qays. How did you survive? Was your mother more present and able to love you? Mine has good and admirable sides besides the abusive, sick and traumatized ones. But I am torm apart between my need to learn real self-care and self-healing (have been abused instead of helped professionally), but it's hard to leave her alone , old, sick, lost and not gettingvthe help she needs. But that deeply caring AND wise professional has to be attracted by practising very much positiveity, cell phone radiation (and even TV) has change humans for the worse without us noticing. I grieve the relationship I never had with mine, never really getting to know each other. Feeling a failure for us not fulfilling what we could have created together. But we have tpo try to build our own lives and learn frome xperience. And not become fearful, resentful and bitter... :-)
@@Medietos thank you. There were good moments. Many times where he was awesome , it was a love hate thing. He got worse as he got old. There was also the issue of my older sister being enabled and the golden one. We had a complicated relationship for sure. In many ways he seemed like a tuned in father but also too tuned in and if you didn’t do what he wanted you to he could be mean…. Harassing and all that fun. But I try to think about the good times. But favoritism (undeserved) and the other things really leave emotional scars. And no matter what I did it always could have been done better, even things he knew nothing about. I finally stopped caring if I had his approval. But I have a great life. Cheers
I agree what happened to was what o delt with. I never knew how he would be I was walking on eggshells when he was coming through the front door of the house I mast the time would hide till I was to eat supper he would find and start abusing me with his hand or belt all I did was hide
@@darrellmcknight8326 I’m so sorry you experienced that!
As my dad lay dying in the hospital I said "Dad, I Love You." I was hoping to hear him say how he cared or felt about me. I was standing by his bed and he turned his head toward me, and with an unblinking stare asked "Why?"
This is one of the saddest memories shared on here, I’m so sorry you you had this experience.
I'm so sorry. That is crushing and bewildering. You have a heavenly father who loves you...God loves you unconditionally. ❤️
He is right though, who if not him knows that they have nothing of substance to offer, they are empty shells.
Your father asking "Why?" Was, in a sense, his admission that he knew/thought he wasn't loveable. I hope you got thru the pain he caused you. ✌️ and ❤
@@mbj-uo8ltyou are so right! You have a Father in Heaven who made you BECAUSE HE LOVED YOU AS AMAZING AND UNIQUE AS YOU ARE. I'm so sorry for that perplexing and sad reply from your earthly father. I'm sure you are an AMAZING PERSON. GOD BLESS YOU.
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
My dad was a carbon copy if yours. One day I told my dad as I broke down crying "you don't even know me", I can see he didn't know himself first, so he couldn't know me.. Very good message.
NOT KNOWING WHO U SRE IS NOT NARCISSISM.
That really hit home for me. Thank you.
Cry baby
Mine didn't really know me either. I was portrayed to be a not so good daughter toward the end of his life. Which was really hurtful. Because I was nothing like he portrayed me to be to his friends. He never hardly came around me once my mom died. He found a widow and they were good friends. He gravitated to her family, and rarely ever came around even though I live 5 minutes from him. It's sad that he had a good daughter, but didn't care. After my mom died, it's like that was the end of the family. The only thing that mattered to him was other women. Before my mom died, and after she died.
@@janecoe9407 Why not? What is it when not being disconnected to yourself?
I've watched dozens of expert videos on narcissism recently but this one was the most insightful and at the same time the least shaming, the least schadenfreude-driven and least narcissistic itself. Thank you.
I got sincere tears out of my dad once. I was 16 and trying to make sense of our family life. We walked on eggshells always, not knowing when he would blow up. I could sense always his heavy heart, anger and resentment. We could never do anything well enough to be considered worthy of being his children, and we certainly never heard from him that he loved us, etc. I searched beyond the pain. I saw that he came home each day for meals and to sleep. That he had goals - he was a builder and did a lot of that. And I came to understand that his way to love us was to provide a roof over our heads, food on the table and to keep us safe. This was not easy for him. He had terrible working conditions, was often very sick and was obviously not happy being married. So one day, we were alone in the mechanical room of the house, where he was often, and where he was explaining to me what needed to be monitored for safety. I said: "Thanks dad for making sure we are safe. I know that this is your way to show us you love us." He was so touched he had tears in his eyes. Never again did this happen. I tried, over the years, to reach him this way, but only to get insulted. When he was dying, I spent this last night with him, doing what I could to make him comfortable. He said nothing which would or could have helped me feel loved or even help me heal. I understand that he was a product of his environment and time. According to him, we had it easy compared to the way he was raised. I have to accept that he did his best.
I like your attitude about that
beautiful
Must have very hard on the whole family yes that can happen they look at it as a duty god love your dad he did not any better your dad been a builder back then must have been very tough on him been out in all weather's glad you are over all your troubles keep up the good work
You are a good person, Judy.
I view Narcassistic relationships as a gift 🎁 My Mother....3 Brothers and a Sister are all Narcassists. I have walked away from my entire family along with relatives and family friends that are connected to them....going silent was the greatest gift I gave to myself but walking away was a wealth of growth that lead me to where I am today...
I grew strength in speaking my truth...
I stopped being the doormat....
I stopped the cycle of disease to please in order to be accepted and loved....
I grew in my integrity which I now live an integerous life....
They taught me HOW NOT TO BE....
I learned to love...honor and respect myself....which lead me to pay it forward to my children.....
I promised myself that I would be the Mother to my children that I DESERVED to have and kept that promise 🙏🤗🙏
Love that...I just did that with my mother and her side of the family...spent xmas alone...still struggling with some guilt... but its been so PEACEFUL !
@@josephzsoka874 don't feel guilty. Enjoy the peace of mind and soul.
Thank you. It's hard to break the paterns. Be the change. Greetings from Cape Town.
Makes me sad to read. I have really no family no siblings and to know you do and they are not kind is horrible. May God protect and look over your life
@@Asme1111-t8h your post is wise thoughtful and beautiful and especially you realizing that this thing is generational. You stood up and broke the generational curse. Bravo and may God stay with you and keep you all protected always.
Self-awareness and narcissism don't seem to be possible in the people that I know. The last conversation with my narcissist mother was her not apologizing or explaining her life-long need to beat me physically when I was a baby and child...and bully and torment me for fifty years...instead, her words were "you're just like your father." He died 25 years ago trying to please her, which was impossible. His health broke down shortly after he retired -- he just couldn't handle being with her at home 24/7. He ended his life, tragically. All that she could say was "how could he do that to me"...
Because she is so nasty you don’t need her in your life run away no contact
My Narc father also would angrily tell me I was like his father, whom he hated, when I was under 10 years old…
🙋🙏❤️🌹
My Mom's last words to me were not words. She just kept hanging up the phone on me. She did that to me lots of times and to her siblings as well.
@@Sketch_Sesh my mom would tell me I was just like her sister Marilyn. She hated her.
My parents were the exact opposite, clingy and too timid to protect me from anything, which brought a whole other world of hurt. But their love and support enabled me to grow strong and resilient from within. I love them both.
My 85 yo father has aggressive cancer. My sisters and I did all we could to help him, even offering organ transplants. His narcissism didn’t allow him to stop being abusive and cruel. We walked away. I feel so relieved to be free.
Yoh
You made the right decision 👍. Honestly, you did.
Then it sounds like your father done a “one up”, a wonderful good thing for you all. A dying man said he wanted no help from his children whom did not like him. Yep, sounds like what a man would say and want.
I did a little happy dance when mom died.😊
My Narc dad just before he died told me he was sorry for not being a better father and asked me to forgive him 🥹
That's all I needed to forgive him 😔
That's good he asked for that❤
That should not get him off the hook, a simple apology. If he was a POS, then he was a POS.
Mine as well, however, he was a believer I think he was more worried about going to hell than cared about my forgiveness all that much.
@@vkrgfan I'm hoping my dad was becoming or became a believer and that's why he was sorry and wanted my forgiveness. I pray so!
I'd love to be surprised when I get to heaven and he's there!
I think things happened to him that made him the way he was 🥹
I'm not totally excusing him, because we all can change! But, he must have had an inner struggle that I was to young to understand. He died when I was only 15 😢
@@colleenc236 Sorry, I'm not a believer. I'm an atheist and I believe you have to treat people right here on earth, not after our death. After our death we decompose and become Earth, so far there is no evidence of any god. Therefore, we have to educate people about abuse while they are still alive so they can stand up for themselves and hold abusers accountable.
This was so good, thanks for sharing. My ex husband was a narcissist, and he recently committed suicide. He hardly knew his kids but his oldest daughter kept in touch with him a little but always kept her distance, because he was so dangerous towards any of us.
I read through some of his therapy notes last week, and I read what he said about me; that I , as his wife, wasn't enough" your words struck a chord . Thanks
I didn't know that narcissist could commit suicide. You learned me something. I thought that his ego was too big for that (sorry for my english, I'm french).
@@Micks971 me neither, but he was a pretty desperate man towards the end of his life. He had no friends, no relationships with his kids and living in a motorhome
@@Micks971 They certainly use the threatening suicide part enough. I didn't know that either.
"I'm going to kill myself" statement. Got so tired of it I told him once ok well I'm going to bed. Relationshit went on for maybe another year but then I was able to get away. It wasn't easy.
narcissists are deeply unhappy. So suicide is possible. They prefer threatening it though to control the behaviour of others. Experience.
Narcissists often create the most emotionally powerful and amazing people. Its the blessing after the sin.
How did they sin?
@@Andy-Bodhi by giving into the disease of narcissism. And not putting God first.
Our egos are not our friends. Its only taken me 43 years to figure this out. You have to love yourself before you can love anybody else. Thank you for putting out these good vibes brother!!
I coudn't agree more. I'm convinced that whatever parents you have it's because you have a lesson to learn from them. When you work to grow your soul you find out your parents did what Karma led them to do. Narcissist have things to teach us about abandonment, betryal,guilt,low self love etc. It was hard lesson for me to learn but I finally got over it.
But if you traumatize a child during brain development, their amygdala will not develop, and they cannot feel the range of human emotions necessary to experience love, conscience, remorse, or know the difference between right and wrong. It’s physical brain damage. It’s not just about a choice like you were talking about. They can’t just choose to feel love. You need to educate yourself about the human amygdala and antisocial personality disorder.
Your statement is a contradiction. Reject ego / love - yourself - first (which is also egotistical).......You see the flaw in this? You have to love others first, help others, be kind to strangers etc. From this self-love and love for life grows. Not the other way around. Love OTHERS first! Than self respect and the death of ego will come. Or at least you will get out of it's grip. And you will feel good about yourself.
@@jesterday2222 While I wont disagree with your initial assessment, I would like you to think about that for a second. How can you love anything when you hate yourself? If you haven't been there, I understand, its hard to wrap your healthy mind around.
@@Warcraze13 If you hate yourself, you can still love others. Admire others. Care for others. Be kind too others. If not, then maybe it's not yourself you hate?
I have to keep reminding myself that when people try to break you down it's actually not because you're weak. It's actually that in spite of your vulnerability that you've still overcome. It's something that they are actually afraid of. Also hyper- critical people like my mother are just deflecting or desperately correcting their own mistakes and constantly want to be in control even though it's no longer up to them. Without that control they feel worthless.
I think this comment resonates the most. My father controlled everything about my life, even while living states away, and wanted to control me 'for life'. I finally stood up to him when I was 29 years old and it broke off a lot of that fear I had of him. I hid my true self from him for decades. In fact I still do but a lot has changed. He finally stopped trying to control me. After reading your comment, looking back, his one successful business was backed by my rich grandfather. After that he could only find minimum wage type jobs. He had a high-visibility job once that was fairly prestigious but he lost it. He spent the next decade trying to get it back but couldn't. His mother was a textbook narc and he grew up in extreme dysfunction. Considering how much he has mellowed out in his latter years and how nice he is to me now, I don't think he was a true narc. But I do see where he mirrored a lot of his mother's ways for a long, long time, tried to find his way in life, never had a good foundation to build upon or light the way, and I think he's finally at peace with a lot of it. But I do see how the control and the self-esteem are connected because of your comment. Thank you.
Perfectly said.
💞
Your father had unusual insight for a narcissist. My father abandoned the family and I went to work at age 12 to put food on the table for the family he left behind. I'm a kind, gentle, empathic person, and never complained. He called me a "ball busting bitch" simply because I got a job.
I resonate with ABitofCrumpet when she says "Narcs have no empathy and have no regrets. They NEVER say sorry."
I know it's usually easy to say but not do. But in your case I strongly think you should not be in contact with someone like that. It's bad enough his poor behaviour but to add such viciousness to it.? No no no dear. Don't suffer that as well 🙏
Psychopaths don't have empathy either
One exception. The regret that they did not get more out of people and past situations. "I am so sorry you missed me so much."
A lot of people don't understand mental illness, let alone personality disorders. Let alone cluster B personality disorders. There are different kind of people with cluster B traits and disorders. Not all of them are just pure intentional evil, some of them are just broken or trying to fill a void, and they don't always mean to be cruel. A lot of them awaken because they were part of the cycle of abuse. People really struggle to understand that psychopaths have emotional deficiencies and thus cannot be sadistic by definition. Narcissism can appear in a few different form, some of them are destructive, and some others simply want validation and see that others think highly of them, and they don't always do so in a way that is malignant, but rather might be self interested, spending a lot of time trying to better themselves, and worse case be selfish. Some narcissists truly are evil, but not every single one of them are. Some do have empathy, they have strong insecurities, but they simply can't admit it because of pride, self image issues and such. And note that empathy is not the same as sympathy. You can relate to someone's pain without caring for it, or even enjoying it.
@@towardsthelight220 Some psychopaths do have a weak sense of empathy, though whether they truly understand the concept or not is hard to tell and debatable. But definitely not sympathy. A psychopath's motive usually is just boredom and curiosity, not malice (unless seeking violence/causing suffering and even then, they struggle with emotions, they can't really truly feel pleasure or sadness or such from someone's misery, just indifference though they may try to sympathize if they understand why it is appropriate to do so, especially with someone who's valuable to them).
My uncle, who's passed on, said something along the lines of "I'm sorry for ruining everyone's lives." The remorse, I feel, was genuine only because they were backed into a corner with their ever declining health problems, and the capacity to revert would always be there, but, they recognized themselves and acknowledged the horrible things that they had done, and the impact that it left on us, to say the least. It's almost like a moment of humanistic clarity, the same way an Alzheimer's patient briefly remembers who they are, but then goes back into an enraged confusion. Rabies of the soul. Sad.
Kevin,
You hit a lot of great points in this video.
My father needed someone (me) to be the scapegoat for my older brother (the narcissist).
From birth, my brother knew that he was better than anyone else. Sadly, for him, not a reality.
I'm sorry you were treated that way.
There’s no such thing as quality time with a narcissist lol…
People still love them because they are our parents, siblings, spouses, etc.
Even though they treat us bad, there are those moments when it's good and we hope that things have changed.
We are capable of love and do legitimately still love them.
Tell me about it!! Dad lets go fishing, no because football/basketball/baseball/boxing/car racing/tennis/golf on tv!!
Maybe not directly, but they can be effective (still dicks, but effective) in building and leading groups. In which case, many of us benefit from their leadership in ALL thingd (govt, companies, community).
It's proven that psychos, socios and narcs rise to rule (less compunction and no self policing). We'd be better with normals & empaths would be better but they mostly lose in the fight to the top, just the way it is.
But just the same, if you can think of anything organization you enjoyed being part of, chances are it was led by one of the 3 irregular personalities mentioned. So we indirectly get quality time from them, namely under what they run and socializing with others in that organization).
I've come to learn that...makes me sad because that's my #1 Love Language...Quality Time...and He doesn't know how to do that.
Feels like a betrayal such it is
Acknowledging parents as narcissists and their trauma inflicted is a painful yet important first step to healing.
I am just now seeing this video today 5-24, I am a firm believer that things come to us when we need it. This truly has helped me to understand a little bit about my child bio-parent. I have seen plenty of videos about narcissist. I kind of get them, but not the way I get this 1. I can understand now where this person is in their life. I feel I can let go of some of the resentment towards my child other parent. I can try to be more understanding about their situation. It doesn't fully heal my angry for the way my child is treated but I sympathize with the whole ordeal. Thanks for sharing your story. I can relate to this whole thing from beginning to the end. The other parent is still living but I get it. Once again I feel we get what we need when we need it. A year later from when you posted your video, this was the time I needed it. In order for me to heal, understand & forgive the whole situation, Thank you again for sharing. ❤❤❤❤
As 41 yo father of 2 girls and the lights are finally coming on after being raised by a narc father I appreciate you sharing your story. It gives a voice to what I’ve struggled with for 41 years. I have a list of these singular moments where as a boy, man, we are needing just a drop of encouragement, love or recognition and the narc gives such a selfish and unthoughtful remark. We are left wounded and confused. Thanks for what you do and helping me take one step closer to finally breaking my trauma bond with my dad.
I figured it out at about the same age as you.I am 57 now. My dad is as hollow a soul as there is. I feel sorry for him, but not enough to spend any more time with him. Your awakening to this will change your life for the better. Bless you, and the best of luck to you.
It’s a heartbreaking personality disorder that destroys the people who love them. My only comment is, I’m so sorry. Thank you for helping others.
It can run in families, like mother like daughter.
We have the freedom to not love them! To not walk away is our own fault
I finally "made peace" with my narcissistic father when I realized that his relationship with his parents, and especially with his father, during his life were much more dysfunctional than mine was. When I understood the degree of difficulties he had endured and saw how he tried to do better (even though still imperfect) in raising his own children I became more empathetic and forgave him for his "short falls". He passed away last year and as time passes I have attempted to hold dear the positive memories of him rather than all the negative. He was a flawed man doing the best he could with the abilities he had.
Same as my experience childhood problems is a curse passed on to the next generation
So do you treat your children like the way you were treated by your parents , if that's your excuse for their behaviour
@@jee4899we don't choose our brains. Their is no therapy, no fix for narcissism. So accepting what can't be changed and reality is better than bitterness. I don't tolerate abuse, but you can't learn empathy.
Jesus man. My father died 3 years ago and i think he was a massive narcissit too. Never diagnosed but you get clues. This video of yours helps me really to close with that chapter. I asked myself these three years why he was so abusive to us in the family and never found answers. But when you said your father never knew himself. that made something click in my mind. Grant you theres a lot of thinking id like to do on that but i feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.
Thank you profoundly. For you this was a 15 minute video. For me this will give me closure for years. Thank you sir.
My mom was diagnosed w/ 4 cancer she lasted about 6 mo. .
I was doing no contact at the time of diagnosis. She got other family to call me and get me to go see her.
Long story short she mommy love bombed me for 3 mo. I was sooo happy we were finally connecting on a level I had craved for so many years. I was ther for her in every way,quiting my second job to have time for her. Then .. the golden child flew in from out of state . Omg it was immediate and total hatred for me from that point on. I had no idea why ,..but they went on a hate campaign to the rest of the family towards me as well. I dont know and dont care what they were saying but it was effective in that I not only lost her but my entire family. She died. I left the city and moved to the country never to see any family ever again. The greatest gift I have given myself is forgiving her. Life is good, calm and sweet, anymore. I still need to check more people off on my list of forgiving.. but I am happy. RIP , mom.
did u confront her about her abrupt change of verbal behaviour? I would have !
Greatest gift is to be comfortable alone in this world..2nd greatest gift Is the outdoors, being alone and comfortable in the wilderness is knowing god!!
You didn't lose a family. You never had one.
@@supermal112233 true story. That's why I just went with it. If people I never did dirty participated in that then..meh.. not worth it.
You were wronged in so many ways you are a good person now love yourself a let the rest go to h.ll you are too good for them love and kindness to you now and forever
My dad's wife told me that my dad "forgave" me before he died. 😳 So boy, I feel you. Thank you for this video.
That's infuriating.
Absolutely infuriating!!!!
My mom told my sister: “I think she (=me) cannot forgive me that I was a bad mom. I know I was but if I could start over again, I probably would do the same, I know myself.” I took care of my mom in her final days, she got totally paralysed and was in a nursing home. She kept ordering me around, was not interested at all in my life. When we emptied the house after her death we found letters and diaries and it become clear that she didn’t love me. Especially because I have kids myself and see the contrast. I hope none of us inherit her character. She had some interesting sides too, but the narcissism was just bad.
@@_filifjonkan4290 You know, about half of the people in these comments are actually the narc, and they are just projecting the narcissism onto their victim and claiming _they_ are the narc...... but I can tell you aren't one of them. I wish you all the best.
Wut an a hole
The older I get, and the more I do my own work, the more shocked I am when I encounter other adults who haven’t done their own work and don’t know who they are. Sometimes it’s not even that they are running from one thing to another, but they are completely disconnected from their inner voice and instincts.
There’s truth to this Laura
Yes people call them npcs because they're run by their programming
@@rooster555555 We can call them NPCs, or we can call them psychologically broken individuals. MK Ultra + highly abusive parents can *ruin* an individual's development.
@@ChristAliveForevermore Bingo