I really appreciate it when someone goes so far as to thank me for opening up to them/ask them for help. Not a perfect parallel but my guitar teacher did this for me a while ago when I was reaching out for help (with guitar related stuff), thinking I was probably just being annoying. Really made me feel appreciated and welcomed. It really is kind of an honor to be with someone when they are in need, when you think about it. Like out of all the people they could've opened up to, they chose you to be with them and care for them. Humbling...
@@christopherpape4823 Yes! I couldn't agree with this more. When someone thanks us for trusting them or opening up to them it feels so supportive and validating.
Things to say: - I'm sorry that this happened. - How are you feeling? - How can I support you? - What do you need to hear from me? - I wish I had the right words. - Tell me more. - I'm here for you. And remember: Listen, listen, just listen (you can offer advice but if they don't want it, accept it)
Thank you for this 💜The simplest thing anyone can say to me since my daughter died is I don't know what to say but I'm here. And if anyone says her name it is the sweetest sound. However no one ever does. I am on a mission to change how grievers are supported.💔
NOT immediately going to their own "semi- parallel" experience. When a person does that to me, I just immediately stop sharing, because for whatever reason, they are not going to be able to be supportive. I realize that at times I, also have begun to do that, as a way of letting them know "I understand " but, I now know that just letting them speak their own truth, is honoring them and giving them space. Recently I was talking with a man whose wife had had a very early miscarriage. Because that had also happened to me years ago, I was tempted to tell him that. But somewhere inside of me, I felt restrained. He just needed me to listen to his sadness.
I was dealing with something difficult that I was hiding from family and friends for a year. A friend of mine reached out to me and I told her that I needed some time and that I'd contact her when I was ready. She respected that which I appreciated. When I finally opened up to that friend, she told me : I understand; I am glad that you told me about it; How can I help you with this? I was happily surprised when she asked me how can I help you with this? It's the 1st time in my life someone reacted this way. Usually in my past my family would tell me the things NOT to say (you shouldn't be feeling this way, just think positive, focus on what you do have....). People would tell me bad advice...When I shared my feelings with my family I told them that I just wanted them to listen, that I didn't want their advice, they still gave me a little bit of advice they couldn't help it, but I don't listen to people's bad advice anymore.....
"Tell me more" is definitely helpful. Love that one! My bestie always says "Talk to me." That's pretty much the same thing. Then I know she wants to hear what I have to say. Great video Julia all of these are great!
Tysm for this video. For so long I have brought myself down because of how useless I feel when I can't help anyone when they need help. This has taught me more. I also thank you so much for creating this helpful channel!
1000% yes! ♥️ Being an active listener, only offering advice if it is asked for, and showing support without being intrusive. So often we can aggravate the problem, even when our hearts are in the right place. Beautiful and helpful video! ♥️
Hi Julia, I choose to comment this video because is very recent (in fact is the first time in my life I comment a video) but I want to refer to your work and teachings in general, which I discovered 2 weeks ago. Your message is absolutely wonderful and is having a ver powerful effect in my life. Really! I am a 60 years old man with a very good education. I have studied the classics in depth, I have lived in Asia and studied Taoism Buddhism, etc. The Stoics have been very influential in my world view and my moral education. (You mentioned Seneca in one of your videos!) In recent years I have discovered the relevance of Stoicism in present day tendencies. I admire the film Gladiator. Watching a very good analysis of this film (how ideal manhood handles the brutality of life) I discovered, two months ago, Jordan Peterson. I started watching his videos with great admiration. Then I discovered Gabor Mate, with his message of healing and freeing oneself from our past. And then I discovered you!!! I really congr!atulate you for the clarity, empathy, compassion and also your moral and intellectual authority. You are having a huge impact and I watch you every day. I think one of the main dimensions in human life is Redemption. Gladiator is about redemption from tyranny and injustice. And your work (one way to look at it) as well as the others is redemption from our weak inferior self to reach our higher, purer, wiser and truer self. Only when we are truly strong and clear about ourselves can be we truly generous and compassionate and be aligned with our destiny. With true admiration and thanks for your amazing task. Don´t give up Julia! Alejandro from Argentina
It was almost fate that this video showed up in my recommended. I watched it a few days ago and as it turns out a friend of mine had some relationship troubles so i came back to this to make sure I knew what to do. Before long Im sure I will have a flowchart of your videos to follow in times of crisis
Showing support and always letting them know that they can count on us no matter what, that we are there to listen, to support them, to show some love and caring... sometimes all that they really need is someone to talk to, to express their feelings and knowing that there is someone there, that they are not alone, that they can find the strength to overcome this difficult situation...
I'm very thankful that i found your channel i wish i am able to understand my partner who suffers uncertain stress or i think depression because of her past. Thank youu pls make more videos and don't stop helping others.
I feel that just letting the person sit with whatever it is they are feeling really helps. Often times, in the wake of any hurtful incident, we tune out of our emotions and numb ourselves from feeling the pain or anger or whatever it is we're going through. It really helps when the other person just stops you and asks you to feel the emotions running through your head and in that moment, you can give yourself the permission to feel everything that you're going through. Once you recognize what's going on, I think, that's when you start dealing with it and getting better
Thank you so much for uploading this video!! 💜 I try my best to listen and offer support without offering advice (unless they ask for it), but it’s not always easy to know how to handle every situation! Sometimes I haven’t dealt with certain things before, and it can be overwhelming to help support someone during a tough time
Julia Kristina Counselling I do, I really liked your point about asking the person how I can help! It’s something I hadn’t done before because I didn’t want to come off as too direct. As well as when you said “tell me more,” I want to hear the person out, but didn’t want to push them to say more than they would like to. But now I see things in a new light and will definitely apply your advice in future situations
Sometimes it's really hard to take it seriously when there is always something coming up every single day. It's "The boy who cried wolf". You want to be there and support them but you have limited resources.. and if they can't self-soothe it's just extremely draining. And then you have those who always take your support but don't offer any. I'm in serious lack of people who listen to me or let's say people I'm willing to open up to.
Very powerful. I really enjoy this one. This reminded me of a time where a man on the Skytrain was feeling very upset about something and says things out loud that everyone can hear. One of the things he said was, "just f---ing kill me!" I was really disheartened and felt bad and I felt like I should say something to help the man, but being on public transportation with many other passengers moving from station to station and the fact that my stop is getting really close and worried if what I say would harm the man who I don't know, I just stayed silent. I got off the Skytrain thinking I should have said something to help the man, but was too afraid if my words would cause him more harm than good, and I wasn't comfortable talking in front of other passengers. So if someone who I don't know on public transit having suicidal thoughts and is saying things out loud is it appropriate to say the statements you mentioned? If not what should I do?
I've been reading some things recently on DBT/CBT, and it's interesting how these recommendations dovetail into supporting someone who's processing and recalibrating their emotions.
What to say to a loved one that is struggling, but will not open up? My son will not open up. Think he may have substance addiction. Have tried to get him to open up but no success. He knows I am here for him, The more I try to get him to open up he shuts down further.
Asking questions like what does this mean for you? How are you feeling about the situation? And then circling back with them later can really show that you care.
I struggle with being overly solutions oriented and my fiancé HATES it. She said that when she's struggling with problems, she usually doesn't need solutions. She says she needs to vent and I should ask if she needs to be heard or if she wants solutions. How do normal people differentiate between venting and complaining?
I could use many of these tools when speaking with my wife .. I have a tendency to want to just fix stuff. Or dismiss it if I feel and I'm able to rationalize it as not that big of a deal quicker than my wife can. And that's been problematic for me. It's not that I don't care or anything like that. I do immensely. Sometimes in instances like this she wants me to just be *reactive in defense of her. And I'm not that type of person more often than not. I don't become impulsive with my first thought or feeling. I like to respond vs react. Because of this my wife and I clash. I know and she knows she struggles with taking things personal, she's full of anxiety often, she over thinks things etc. And it puts a staple in her being able to handle situations more balanced vs impulsively. And it causes us to clash and she gets upset with me. I'm trying, really trying to be better at communicating with her and to respond to her feelings and what she needs from me. For her.. but if it's to just be her messenger to react in a less productive manner back towards someone (family/friends). It feels like a control issue. And it ultimately even if I do what she asks. It's still not going to ultimately change her feeling about the circumstance. And more times than not she regrets reacting like she did anyways.
So many times someone has talked about something upsetting and I feel their emotions so strongly that I start crying. Is this good or bad (not that I can stop it anyway)
It does wear me sometimes. I think I am an empath because I even feel strangers’ emotions. On New Years Eve I was in a car accident (no serious injuries). The kid who hit us was scared and had tears in his eyes. I felt his fear. He must have known I felt for him because he asked me for a hug. When my ex was watching a documentary on the Gulf War (He seemed to be addicted to war movies and documentaries and didn’t care that they triggered me). They showed a soldier who had been burned alive and my thoughts immediately became, “I wonder what his last thoughts were? Was he married? Did he have kids? Are his parents still alive? Siblings? What must they have gone through?” I cried for their pain. I started at a young age. I remember my mom confiding in me when my dad had abused her when I was just 2 1/2 years old and I tried to counsel her. I felt helpless when I didn’t have all of the answers she needed. I didn’t know it was possible to learn to turn it off. And I’m not sure I want to. I don’t want to become hard. I don’t want to lose my compassion. I would rather be like I am now than lose my compassion. But thank you for wanting to help
I literally just posted my personal thoughts about this on my Facebook a few days ago. I wrote that in my personal opinion, crying is not a sign of weakness. Rather, it is a sign of compassion, love, and not being afraid to express yourself. It is a sign that you have a big heart.
Hi Julia. I feel like a friend is going through something. I tried asking her already but she just says she’s fine. I think she’s not yet ready so I just told her I’m here for her. But are there other things that I should do?
@Scullery Maid Thank you so much. I admit my brother treated me the best he did for a short period upon the death of our parents. Then it seemed he lost his patience for me not recovering from my mental illness yet. I am invited to his home only for Thanksgiving and Christmas. My past and current therapists do not think highly of him and make faces when I say his name.
According to FB (via em which doesn't accept responses) you accused me of posting inappropriately. That's impossible since I my last post has been probably a year, and the post was a comment; not original content. The only reason I even have FB is because of my daughter. I'm contacting you here because unfortunately, I don't have contact info. for FB. This is frustrating. Please be careful in the future making unconfirmed statements about a person; you never even contacted me.
What can someone say to you when you're struggling that's helpful?
I really appreciate it when someone goes so far as to thank me for opening up to them/ask them for help. Not a perfect parallel but my guitar teacher did this for me a while ago when I was reaching out for help (with guitar related stuff), thinking I was probably just being annoying. Really made me feel appreciated and welcomed. It really is kind of an honor to be with someone when they are in need, when you think about it. Like out of all the people they could've opened up to, they chose you to be with them and care for them. Humbling...
What's helpful for me is when somebody's saying "I'm here for you".
@@christopherpape4823 Yes! I couldn't agree with this more. When someone thanks us for trusting them or opening up to them it feels so supportive and validating.
@@MichaelSimone so goodl.
Julia Kristina Counselling is that all ? Wot is that you doing or been doing all day
Things to say:
- I'm sorry that this happened.
- How are you feeling?
- How can I support you?
- What do you need to hear from me?
- I wish I had the right words.
- Tell me more.
- I'm here for you.
And remember: Listen, listen, just listen (you can offer advice but if they don't want it, accept it)
Thank you for this 💜The simplest thing anyone can say to me since my daughter died is I don't know what to say but I'm here. And if anyone says her name it is the sweetest sound. However no one ever does. I am on a mission to change how grievers are supported.💔
Molly Howze ♥️♥️♥️
I love this Molly - thanks for sharing. What was your daughter's name?
@@juliakristinamah Cassia Ruth💜 thank you
Cassia Ruth is a beautiful name.
NOT immediately going to their own "semi- parallel" experience. When a person does that to me, I just immediately stop sharing, because for whatever reason, they are not going to be able to be supportive. I realize that at times I, also have begun to do that, as a way of letting them know "I understand " but, I now know that just letting them speak their own truth, is honoring them and giving them space. Recently I was talking with a man whose wife had had a very early miscarriage. Because that had also happened to me years ago, I was tempted to tell him that. But somewhere inside of me, I felt restrained. He just needed me to listen to his sadness.
Really powerful, and so so true. Thanks for sharing.
I was dealing with something difficult that I was hiding from family and friends for a year. A friend of mine reached out to me and I told her that I needed some time and that I'd contact her when I was ready. She respected that which I appreciated. When I finally opened up to that friend, she told me : I understand; I am glad that you told me about it; How can I help you with this? I was happily surprised when she asked me how can I help you with this? It's the 1st time in my life someone reacted this way. Usually in my past my family would tell me the things NOT to say (you shouldn't be feeling this way, just think positive, focus on what you do have....). People would tell me bad advice...When I shared my feelings with my family I told them that I just wanted them to listen, that I didn't want their advice, they still gave me a little bit of advice they couldn't help it, but I don't listen to people's bad advice anymore.....
Being reminded that I am not an anomaly and my situation was not an anomaly was so healing.
"Tell me more" is definitely helpful. Love that one! My bestie always says "Talk to me." That's pretty much the same thing. Then I know she wants to hear what I have to say. Great video Julia all of these are great!
Tysm for this video. For so long I have brought myself down because of how useless I feel when I can't help anyone when they need help. This has taught me more. I also thank you so much for creating this helpful channel!
Ministers refer to this as the ministry of presence. It is very powerful. Sometimes it is just sitting with someone.
Love that - just being present can be so healing and helpful.
”what do you need to hear from me?" Love this one!
Yes! It's so so simple but so effective.
@@juliakristinamah yes. It speaks real empathy
1000% yes! ♥️ Being an active listener, only offering advice if it is asked for, and showing support without being intrusive. So often we can aggravate the problem, even when our hearts are in the right place. Beautiful and helpful video! ♥️
Hi Julia, I choose to comment this video because is very recent (in fact is the first time in my life I comment a video) but I want to refer to your work and teachings in general, which I discovered 2 weeks ago. Your message is absolutely wonderful and is having a ver powerful effect in my life. Really! I am a 60 years old man with a very good education. I have studied the classics in depth, I have lived in Asia and studied Taoism Buddhism, etc. The Stoics have been very influential in my world view and my moral education. (You mentioned Seneca in one of your videos!) In recent years I have discovered the relevance of Stoicism in present day tendencies. I admire the film Gladiator. Watching a very good analysis of this film (how ideal manhood handles the brutality of life) I discovered, two months ago, Jordan Peterson. I started watching his videos with great admiration. Then I discovered Gabor Mate, with his message of healing and freeing oneself from our past. And then I discovered you!!! I really congr!atulate you for the clarity, empathy, compassion and also your moral and intellectual authority. You are having a huge impact and I watch you every day.
I think one of the main dimensions in human life is Redemption. Gladiator is about redemption from tyranny and injustice. And your work (one way to look at it) as well as the others is redemption from our weak inferior self to reach our higher, purer, wiser and truer self. Only when we are truly strong and clear about ourselves can be we truly generous and compassionate and be aligned with our destiny. With true admiration and thanks for your amazing task. Don´t give up Julia! Alejandro from Argentina
Great to have you here - and thank you for your kind and supportive words. Good for YOU for valuing yourself enough to take the time to heal and grow.
"Let it all out" has helped me.
It was almost fate that this video showed up in my recommended. I watched it a few days ago and as it turns out a friend of mine had some relationship troubles so i came back to this to make sure I knew what to do. Before long Im sure I will have a flowchart of your videos to follow in times of crisis
I like when people let me know that they are there and ask what they can do. It is very helpful to me.
yes. So good.
Been waiting for this video! Thank you!
Awesome Vic - I hope you got a lot out of it.
"tell me more" yes yes yes
Isn't it so basic but so profound?
@@juliakristinamah absolutely 💝
Showing support and always letting them know that they can count on us no matter what, that we are there to listen, to support them, to show some love and caring... sometimes all that they really need is someone to talk to, to express their feelings and knowing that there is someone there, that they are not alone, that they can find the strength to overcome this difficult situation...
Amen sister.
I'm very thankful that i found your channel i wish i am able to understand my partner who suffers uncertain stress or i think depression because of her past. Thank youu pls make more videos and don't stop helping others.
I feel that just letting the person sit with whatever it is they are feeling really helps. Often times, in the wake of any hurtful incident, we tune out of our emotions and numb ourselves from feeling the pain or anger or whatever it is we're going through. It really helps when the other person just stops you and asks you to feel the emotions running through your head and in that moment, you can give yourself the permission to feel everything that you're going through. Once you recognize what's going on, I think, that's when you start dealing with it and getting better
Thank you 😊❤️ super helpful!
appreciate you.
Julia, YOU and your videos are awesome 👍. I hope you had a great Thanksgiving 😊, you deserve it. Thanks for being YOU.
David Mardjanov agree!!!
David - thank you. That really means a lot.
@@NenaLavonne I hope you had a good Thanksgiving too Nena!
Thanks. I am a person people come to. I want to help but it can be draining. I protect my peace due to that.
Don't forget about those boundaries Luz - you MUST have good, strong, healthy ones if you're an empathic person.
Thank you so much for uploading this video!! 💜 I try my best to listen and offer support without offering advice (unless they ask for it), but it’s not always easy to know how to handle every situation! Sometimes I haven’t dealt with certain things before, and it can be overwhelming to help support someone during a tough time
Do you feel like you got some helpful tips here?
Julia Kristina Counselling I do, I really liked your point about asking the person how I can help! It’s something I hadn’t done before because I didn’t want to come off as too direct. As well as when you said “tell me more,” I want to hear the person out, but didn’t want to push them to say more than they would like to. But now I see things in a new light and will definitely apply your advice in future situations
Great advice, very informative. Thank you.
I can understand why you are feeling this way. Or, I probably would feel that way too.
This is so helpful thank you
You definitely hit the nail on the head with this video!
You are always so supportive! I appreciate you, friend.
Sometimes it's really hard to take it seriously when there is always something coming up every single day. It's "The boy who cried wolf". You want to be there and support them but you have limited resources.. and if they can't self-soothe it's just extremely draining. And then you have those who always take your support but don't offer any. I'm in serious lack of people who listen to me or let's say people I'm willing to open up to.
I am so sorry you are feeling this way.
Julia! You never disappoint. Thanks a million ❤️
Here for you sister. Thanks for watching.
Loved it, thank you for that, really helpful!
Really glad it connected Michael.
This was super helpful! Thank you!
Very powerful. I really enjoy this one. This reminded me of a time where a man on the Skytrain was feeling very upset about something and says things out loud that everyone can hear. One of the things he said was, "just f---ing kill me!" I was really disheartened and felt bad and I felt like I should say something to help the man, but being on public transportation with many other passengers moving from station to station and the fact that my stop is getting really close and worried if what I say would harm the man who I don't know, I just stayed silent. I got off the Skytrain thinking I should have said something to help the man, but was too afraid if my words would cause him more harm than good, and I wasn't comfortable talking in front of other passengers. So if someone who I don't know on public transit having suicidal thoughts and is saying things out loud is it appropriate to say the statements you mentioned? If not what should I do?
Thank you !
Thank YOU for being here Sandra.
Love your videos Julia!
You are super cute how you talk along😃
Thank you
I've been reading some things recently on DBT/CBT, and it's interesting how these recommendations dovetail into supporting someone who's processing and recalibrating their emotions.
What to say to a loved one that is struggling, but will not open up? My son will not open up. Think he may have substance addiction. Have tried to get him to open up but no success. He knows I am here for him, The more I try to get him to open up he shuts down further.
Happy Advent 🎄 Merry Christmas
Happiness is in human's nature, you need not worry about happiness , it's already there , you just have to stop being unhappy
Unfortunately I seem to be the go to person. I do not give advice, unless asked.. just let them vent.. seems they help them. I’m a bit overwhelmed
Asking questions like what does this mean for you? How are you feeling about the situation?
And then circling back with them later can really show that you care.
I struggle with being overly solutions oriented and my fiancé HATES it. She said that when she's struggling with problems, she usually doesn't need solutions. She says she needs to vent and I should ask if she needs to be heard or if she wants solutions. How do normal people differentiate between venting and complaining?
I could use many of these tools when speaking with my wife .. I have a tendency to want to just fix stuff. Or dismiss it if I feel and I'm able to rationalize it as not that big of a deal quicker than my wife can. And that's been problematic for me.
It's not that I don't care or anything like that. I do immensely. Sometimes in instances like this she wants me to just be *reactive in defense of her. And I'm not that type of person more often than not. I don't become impulsive with my first thought or feeling. I like to respond vs react. Because of this my wife and I clash.
I know and she knows she struggles with taking things personal, she's full of anxiety often, she over thinks things etc. And it puts a staple in her being able to handle situations more balanced vs impulsively. And it causes us to clash and she gets upset with me.
I'm trying, really trying to be better at communicating with her and to respond to her feelings and what she needs from me. For her.. but if it's to just be her messenger to react in a less productive manner back towards someone (family/friends). It feels like a control issue. And it ultimately even if I do what she asks. It's still not going to ultimately change her feeling about the circumstance. And more times than not she regrets reacting like she did anyways.
So many times someone has talked about something upsetting and I feel their emotions so strongly that I start crying. Is this good or bad (not that I can stop it anyway)
It does wear me sometimes.
I think I am an empath because I even feel strangers’ emotions. On New Years Eve I was in a car accident (no serious injuries). The kid who hit us was scared and had tears in his eyes. I felt his fear. He must have known I felt for him because he asked me for a hug.
When my ex was watching a documentary on the Gulf War (He seemed to be addicted to war movies and documentaries and didn’t care that they triggered me). They showed a soldier who had been burned alive and my thoughts immediately became, “I wonder what his last thoughts were? Was he married? Did he have kids? Are his parents still alive? Siblings? What must they have gone through?” I cried for their pain.
I started at a young age. I remember my mom confiding in me when my dad had abused her when I was just 2 1/2 years old and I tried to counsel her. I felt helpless when I didn’t have all of the answers she needed.
I didn’t know it was possible to learn to turn it off. And I’m not sure I want to. I don’t want to become hard. I don’t want to lose my compassion. I would rather be like I am now than lose my compassion.
But thank you for wanting to help
I literally just posted my personal thoughts about this on my Facebook a few days ago. I wrote that in my personal opinion, crying is not a sign of weakness. Rather, it is a sign of compassion, love, and not being afraid to express yourself. It is a sign that you have a big heart.
@@alika207 thank you
@@eph2vv89only1way you’re very welcome!
I don’t know what to say when people ask me that
Is that true? Or are you scared to ask for what you really need because you think people won't be willing to do it or say it?
I don’t know what I need what should I say to people who ask me what I need
I know a shy girl who is deeply depressed but does shyness matter in depression. Also i didn't talk to her in years, should i try to help her or not?
The person I’m trying to support with an ED, she says she doesn’t know what she needs from me that would help. Or that nothing will help.
Hi Julia. I feel like a friend is going through something. I tried asking her already but she just says she’s fine. I think she’s not yet ready so I just told her I’m here for her. But are there other things that I should do?
I don't believe people want to help each other. My own brother treats me like an inconvenience.
I'm really sorry to hear that - I can imagine that's quite hurtful.
@@juliakristinamah Thank you. That is so kind.
@Scullery Maid Thank you so much. I admit my brother treated me the best he did for a short period upon the death of our parents. Then it seemed he lost his patience for me not recovering from my mental illness yet. I am invited to his home only for Thanksgiving and Christmas. My past and current therapists do not think highly of him and make faces when I say his name.
You are a very gorgeous woman Julia:)
I'm use to being submissive even to a narcissist but the females who remade me also made me bie..is their anyway to change the bie part
According to FB (via em which doesn't accept responses) you accused me of posting inappropriately. That's impossible since I my last post has been probably a year, and the post was a comment; not original content. The only reason I even have FB is because of my daughter. I'm contacting you here because unfortunately, I don't have contact info. for FB. This is frustrating. Please be careful in the future making unconfirmed statements about a person; you never even contacted me.