How to Set Strong Boundaries
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- Опубліковано 10 гру 2019
- Heathy boundaries are essential for our health, happiness, and the quality of our relationships.
But many among us don't even know what a boundary is, let along how to set healthy ones. But we need healthy boundaries in our relationships with other and with ourselves.
There is a lot of information out there on how to set strong boundaries but most of it is not accurate. So, today, we're going to clear a few things up about boundaries and I'm going to equip you with some tools and information so you can go and start setting good and healthy boundaries.
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Setting boundaries is respecting yourself, valuing yourself and putting yourself first. It's simply loving yourself :)
Amen sis. Boundary work is self-love work.
The hard part about boundaries is being ok with upsetting people.
Exactly my issue.
Are you okay with being okay. Or is it more important they are okay with you. Heads or Tails? You can’t have both. 😂👍
Goes both ways
so true
Having fear about people being upset doesn't help. I am literally in my mind now going, what's the worse most likely upset response this person will give. I have to be honest here. Some people getting upset really doesn't matter to me. It just matters if I'm keeping my side good and clean.
I set a boundary, and my husband crossed it many times... and then when I withdrew myself from the relationship, everyone lost their shit, him, my family, his family, my friends... it really woke me up to how unhealthy everyone around me is, and how I've been blind to their problematic thinking and behavior. I've discovered how it is absolutely ridiculous that people want a relationship with me but then expect me to be ok with them trampling all over me. The past few years dealing with all of this has turned me into what some people would call a bitch... but oh well. I'm much happier, and I am treating myself much better than I ever did before. I am finally showing myself as much respect and care as I give others. I still believe in altruism and compromise and empathy, but when it comes to sacrificing my core values, my health and things that are the most important to me, there is very little negotiating anymore.
How are things for you now? Are you doing ok?
Things that are "important", like family?
Sounds a little sad tbh. Hopefully it was not selfish items like so many who do not value the right things in this world today.
I'm happy to hear that you realized you have to set boundaries with your husband. I'm single so I need to learn about this before I meet/marry my husband.
@@FindMeOnABeach it’s been a lot of ups and downs, a lot of reflecting and learning about other people’s motives. I feel a lot more comfortable in my skin now, that’s for sure. I’ve become so much more aware of how people treat me and my children. I try not to be overly sensitive, because I still believe that everyone needs compassion and understanding, but I have been speaking up for myself and my kids a lot more when I feel taken advantage of or neglected or bullied or invalidated by others.
Good for you! I'm happy for you!!
When I look back at my life, the pain I have had is because I did not set good/healthy boundaries for myself. Living and learning.
Kasey you’re not alone.
And you're doing something different now. GOOD for you Kasey.
Kasey you’re not alone is a understatement !! Most of us are in this situation!!! Thanks for sharing 🙂
We do better when we know better. In the long run adversity can make us better and more resilient people if we allow it. (Instead of bitterness)
I think I feel the same about this, mixed in with hope for the future.
strong boundaries made my life happier and more organized.
Yes! So good.
“We don’t have to make their thoughts our thoughts.” We have to decide what we want to feel.
Beautiful! Without boundaries, we are allowing others to decide the direction our lives will turn in. It is never selfish to love yourself enough to respect your own decisions and feelings. ♥️
Amen to that sister.
Julia Kristina Counselling ♥️
I am saying this out of respect.He is your father and he loves you and cares.I would have answered him.But, thats just me...
My Dad. He’s 80. I love him. I decided to set boundaries. He loves me too and he understands. 🤓
Really glad to hear that.
That’s so sweet🌸
I used to even stay in an unpleasant conversations with strangers, becasue i was raised to "respect" other people and my self respect was totally removed in childhood. I'm so glad for such a good upbringing. ;-)
I had to end my marriage due to constant boundary violations. (2010) Since then, the topic of boundaries has been a personal interest of mine. Love reading about it, love hearing about it, love talking about it.
I hope you found this teaching helpful K ❤️
Me too.....never even knew about boundaries due to coming from a narcissistic home
I think it comes down to the Dr. Phil line; We teach people how to treat us. Good video, as usual!
Amen to that.
The universe kept putting the word boundaries in my face. So here I am. I needed this. Thank you.
I’ve only recently been aware that boundaries are a thing. I wasn’t sure how to go about this thing called “boundaries”. Thank you for this video! It helps in so many aspects of my life, not just family.
Sallee B yes!!! 😊✨
SO so glad you found it helpful.
I love how vulnerable you allow yourself to be Julia. Sharing your stories with us.
I like the idea that boundaries are not a requirement of the other person, but instead what you choose to do yourself.
I know a large number of people who are narcissistic. They want things their way and when I set boundaries I get abruptly rejected. It's hard to deal with but I am taking it and moving forward. I have to admit it really stings.
Man this lady is a god I'm feeling much better now cause I was stressed out somewhat and now it has disappear I'm telling you your good
Thank you Julia! I've struggled with saying no to people for years. I've struggle with feeling like it's wrong a lot of the time to say no and saying yes is so automatic for me and I always feel like I have to give into others because I feel they're not going to do things any other way than their own. I'm a person who will give 120% if someone will give me just 10 but a lot of times I feel taken advantage of. Of course that is frustrating. It's like a programmed way of thinking for I guess. Well again, thank you so much Julia. It is truly a blessing to have found you on UA-cam! I think what you do is so selfless and giving and so thank you again. God bless!
This is perfect timing. I just finished reading an article on where codependency comes from. I was looking into why I fell into that pattern, and now I’m more clear about it.
My boundaries were always violated as a teenager, and now I’m really doing my best to learn how to enforce them without feeling guilty.
Thank you. 💗
GOOD for you. Boundary work is life changing work - and you're doing it!
Omg! Same!
Sachi Kuwahara 😃🙌🏽 Time to strengthen, and enforce those boundaries.
Julia Kristina Counselling Thank you. ☺️💗
Hello! Congratulations on seeing your needs and being brave to break out of the bondage! We all are codependent, but to varying degrees. You are not at fault!
I hope for you as you seek wisdom and life as a joy-bringer!
Regards...
I set a boundary just today with a coworker by removing myself from the conversation. It felt empowering that I didn't need to fix her or correct her. I stayed happy afterward. I could tell she didn't like it but that's not my problem. Thanks for this video.
Trusting myself is difficult and when you stated the fear of saying no, people pleasing at all cost for me has been my patterns. Abandonment, not liking me, ...trusting myself enough to give myself GOOD CARE and realizing I'm worth it and deserve it. Thank you so much. I've just starting listening to your videos these past few days. I can't get enough and I know it was God's divine intervention that I stumbled upon your videos. Deeply grateful for your insights.
I also recommend Henry Cloud and John Townsend's books about boundaries! They helped me a LOT
Yes!! I've read the Boundaries in Marriage... after my divorce... and learned so much. Now my Bible study group is going to do the Boundaries workbook together. Hoping to learn a lot more. I need boundaries!!
Setting those boundaries does come with some grief work usually: In my particular community we get that often. I'd love to see my fellow men going their own way talk in more general terms from time to time about this; you describe our experience of setting boundaries perfectly.
There seems to be a connection between people with low Machiavellian traits and issues with boundaries. It takes time and some pretty nasty experiences but they seem to learn eventually, it's really wonderful how good people eventually chase health... keep helping us all find it Julia, you do good work.
WOW 😮 WOW 😮 WOW 😮!!!!
Boy do I need to learn THIS!
Lorraine Wright 👏👏👏😊✨
So so glad it connected Lorraine. If you're interested in diving deeper into learning where your boundaries are and how to set good ones, have you thought about registering for the workshop?
I’ve been so bad at setting boundaries in the past that I’ve had to research what the common boundaries people are re-enforcing! But as I got to love myself more the boundaries came naturally!
Self love = Strong boundaries
✨
Healthy boundary = you do what you like, and I’ll do what is best for me. I find it interesting that those who regularly break their own rules, accuse me of doing the same when I am not. They can root for what they want, and I’ll root for & believe for that which is a blessing to me rather than a hindrance. I don’t push my beliefs onto others; those who feel the need to be oppositional and demand others adopt their viewpoint have already lost. Can’t believe some can’t just be happy with who & what they have in life.
Thank you for sharing this video. I’m healing from my former bosses taking away my ability of boundaries within their company. I quit my job with them. I’m now in the process of healing from the damage I allowed to happen. It was not just them that caused the damage, it was myself to for letting go on for as long as I did. The day I quit, by the afternoon of that day I had a awesome job offer.
Boundaries seem to be coming up a lot lately. Not for me, but for the friends and family surrounding me. It’s a theme right now!
Wow that fear of saying NO, this is so true, it is what's making frustrations grow over proportions sometimes.
Love it! It was a good surprise to me, I think I'm doing better than I thought in this subject. I naturally tend to remove myself from the situations I don't like if the other person involved is trespassing my boundaries and doesn't agree with my requests. But part of me kind of feels guilty about doing so, because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or being rude if I keep my distance, but it's nice to know it's perfectly okay, and you're right, they can do what they prefer, so do I. That's it. No more guilt about it!
My counselees/clients need to hear this. I love your content. You're helping me update my knowledge with counseling/therapy.
From a school counselor in the Philippines ❤
So good to connect with you my fellow psyche junkie! Lol. Really glad you found this helpful.
I watch these videos over and over about once every 3 months. It takes awhile to stick or something? I use the tips for work relationships in a 'people job' most often, a little for family and friend relationships and I can testify, a small, clear, confident change in me feels like a bomb when I use the tools. I hope it's a bomb for the better! So far, so good. But now I can see myself and my feelings and I feel an equal partner because I'm sticking up for me. It feels good to matter with everyone, not just the ones who give respect, the bullies too.
Thank you! I love your videos! I’ve watched several self help videos, and yours are the best!
New beliefs and better choices ahead. Yes, thank you 🙏🏻 for explaining what a boundary is. I keep wanting to change the behaviors and thoughts of the people I am in a relationship with. I was applying the wrong things not boundaries. I feel ashamed for acting on a false belief, and hope to stick with new boundaries in my current situation.
Part of good Mental Health is! setting good boundaries.
I discovered your channel about 9 months ago! I am so grateful because I’ve learned a lot. After fining your channel I began working on myself more intently by investing in therapy weekly and seeking out my own spiritual guidance.
Thank you for your good work! ♥️
I started boundaries with my husband and his family. Changed my life. And I honestly don’t care what they think about them. Not one give do I think. They have passive aggressive tendencies and once I realized it was a game changer for me.
Love your videos. Thank you for this video. Had a situation with my ex/wife where setting a boundary was needed, and this is so relevant to that event. Thanks again.
Really glad you found it helpful Vic - and good for you for setting the healthy boundary.
This is the first video of yours I've watched and it hit so close to home! I am a teacher and I get upset when students ask me questions that I have to say no to. I have clear policies in my syllabus but often don't stick to them because I second guess myself and such, but then I get so burned out and it's because I haven't stuck to my (very reasonable) policies. I get defensive, then, when students try to force a request despite the policy in place. Knowing and owning my boundaries is a real struggle for me but this helps. I shall start giving myself permission to say no today! Thank you!
Emily Phillips they will respect you more when you’re firm.
Thank you so much for reframing the idea of a boundary. Very helpful!
Disorganized attachment and CPTSD have caused a lot issues and angst around boundaries. I always thought I was good at them, til I learned that I generally waited til I was angry and then issued ultimatums or canceled people altogether, leaving me with months (or years TBH) of resentment afterward. Setting up expectations in relationships with the little things can really prevent a lot of these breakdowns. I love what Brianna Macwilliam said in a video once: You can have unconditional regard [love] for people, but *relationships* are conditional. This is because we all have limited time, energy, and resources. So unlike a lot of New Age thought around boundaries, expectations, and unconditional love, it is absolutely appropriate to have specific standards about how we allocate those resources in our relationships and what we need to have in return. Thais Gibson's Integrated Attachment Theory model has also been of great help.
Wow, you present your material so excellently. No fluff, no filler, very succinct and cogent. Very impressive.
Hello again 😃. Thank-you for this. Love the idea of a workshop
Love the simplicity and how specific you are about what a boundary is NOT. Request vs boundary = huge!
I love the concept about people being allowed to ask, if we feel OK about saying no, when we need to xxx
Thank you Julia, very informative, my partner is in AA so was great knowing how to set boundaries, can be very stressful living with a alcohol in sobriety. 😊
Those boundaries are SO necessary. Good for you sister.
Stick to them when you set them. I am speaking from experience and it will make all the difference in your serenity.
I've been on either side of being alienated by not setting my boundaries and trampling over another's boundary and I had no idea. Thank you for this knowledge.
Wow! Great video. Love and need this so much. As you explained what a true boundary is, I had this infinity. Toxic people in my life twisted my boundary setting as I was trying to manipulate them. Mind blown. I'm not the one in the wrong.
Hi, Julia! João from Brazil here :) I decided to drop a line just to let you know that I was mind blown by this video of yours, you helped me see a bunch of things I was doing wrong. Thank you and keep up this amazing job!
Thank you, I learned new perspectives on boundaries and it's very a liberating and feel myself love,happiness more.
I'm so happy for you Moshe.
Julia the reason I have not been visiting as frequently as I used to is because I have started a Facebook page.That page deals with Emergency Preparedness and Survival. Recently I did a post that may show an example of how to set boundaries. On my page I express lessons learned while living off grid. Here’s one of those lessons. One evening around 7 pm I was sitting on my couch and around that time in the country the mosquitoes start to get a little busy and that means they are on a feeding frenzy and I was their favourite meal ticket. During one of one of my more productive maturational growth experiences just after I swatted a mosquito sitting on my arm and killed it I sat there and looked at it. Again I said that this was one of my better lessons learned. As I looked at the mosquito I realized that I didn’t teach it a single thing. Not only did I not teach that mosquito anything I failed to teach any other of the many mosquitoes flying around me a single thing. And when I thought of all the mosquitoes still outside I realized that changing the eating habits of mosquitoes was pointless and that I had to learn how to stay out of the reach of the mosquitoes. So I closed the doors and windows to my cabin so they couldn’t cross my boundaries Lol. It’s a true story Lol. I hope you find this story as amusing and helpful as many of my Facebook audience has. Take care
Wow Julia this was an amazing, healing and empowering video. Thank you so much ❤️
Thank you!! This helped me so much in light of my work situation.
I completely left myself and trottet all over my own boundries for a bit.
I'll keep myself in check.
Ty. ❤️❤️
I can vouch for just how much it helps to have strong boundaries!! Earlier this year, I struggled to establish health boundaries, and it ended up causing friction in some of my friendships. I'm really glad you uploaded this video, and hope you are having an amazing day!
I agree Admir, and think they are way too underrated. Glad we're on the same page with this one.
Julia Kristina Counselling I am glad as well, often people have the wrong idea of what boundaries genuinely are or are too afraid to practice them. Setting strong boundaries is definitely underrated, it takes practice to improve them, but it’s a great feeling having self-respect and being able to have flourishing friendships/relationships!
Hi! I’m so happy to have found you and look forward to learning from you .
Thank you for uploading this video. I had a huge misconception about what boundaries were and today I learned what they are NOT and what a boundary means... My boundaries suck but I know now how to build them the right way. Thank you again
Hi Julia, just wanted to say your videos & your lessons on boundaries have changed my life. I don't have health insurance right now (temporarily, hopefully), so I haven't been able to talk to a therapist for a while. Your videos have been excellent therapy and I appreciate you. Thank you!
This video has been life changing for me❤❤ ....I feel very free now and I am hopeful that things are going to get better for me especially In my mind because i have experienced the problem of not having clear boundaries and I have seen its huge effects on my choices and happiness.....I would like to request you keep making videos like these especially in the family level since it's the most challenging area to set firm boundaries....thank you so much Julia Kristina ❤
I want to thank you for this video and all the information on boundaries, it is helping me gain insight into how I have been handling certain situations in my life. Perfect timing for me to listen to this!
I like this one. I think I was even getting boundaries a little confused by the terminology. But I get confused pretty easy. And I really like that you kept stressing that if you assume boundaries are manipulation / control / punishment that it's not going to work out too well for you.
I saw another video that you did on boundaries and shared it with my friend whom needs to be introduced to this concept of healthy relationships, it’s given me a reboots and I need the continuing remainders, love you how teach and also build yourself up at the same time .❤️ Spread peace and happiness 🙏
Thank you for point out the difference between making a request and actually setting a boundary in action. That make a lot sense.
I am happy to have found your channel. Lots of great material here.
Hi I'm from Norway, I find your videos extremely helpful! Forever grateful
Hey Julie - great to connect with you - glad you're here!
This video came into my life at the most divine timing. Thankyou for spreading your wisdom & sharing!
Thank you so much for your teachings...very inspiring to myself
Thank you Julia , since applying your wisdom and advice in my daily life has made a big difference for everyone around me. Really appreciate your work and cannot wait to participate in your workshop
This is what i need to hear the most today.im having doorslam moment right now.thank you.i feel better.
Although this is not a new video it just popped up in my feed and the timing is bang on. Thank you for helping me deal with an issue right now.
I wish I would have learned about boundaries 20 years ago
This video has given me the most clarity on boundaries. Thank you for posting this.
This is sooo good!
I have a better understanding of boundaries and now will spend some time being clearer with myself on some boundaries. I've been struggling lately in some particular areas of life and I realize that it's because I haven't been clear with myself on my boundaries.
Tuning in from Nebraska 😘I absolutely glean sooooo much from your clear, concisely worded wisdom. THANK YOU! The care, concern and advice is phenomenal and life changing to allow peace to thrive. I appreciate you!!!!!
Your videos are amazing! Thank you so much!
Thank you for this video AND the concrete examples!!!
Dear Julia, This is one of the best videos ever. Thank you for posting this. Stay blessed :)
First time watching you! Thank you!! This was golden! It has given me much to think and journal about! 💚
I have only seen 2 of these video's and I like what you have to share. I was in a relationship for the past 11 yrs with a narcissist and a bi-polar individual. It was always about her and what I can do for her. As you know, being the HSP and a Virgo I am, I had a hard time saying NO!! Cuz I wanted to please her in all aspects of life. After the 11 yrs, I finally said enough is enough and walked out on her. I went 2700 miles away to find myself and the person I used to be. I am so happy that I have made the choice to leave. She had left a huge hole in my heart, mind and soul. I'm currently working with a medium on a very deep level to reverse and take away those negative energies she left on me, and never once did she say THANK YOU, for anything I have done for her. Well, im on the road to recovery to my old self again. Things have been so clear to me, now that I'm away. Be humble, modest, honest and loving.
Thanks y'all for the great video!!!
Thanks for these kind words, Julia! I'll be sure to apply them to my own life. :)
Hi Julia, I just saw your video. I must say it was very informative and helpful . My name is Sudha and I am from Malaysia . I was waiting for this topic.
Thank you. Pls continue to make videos like this.
Glad I found this gem ❤ subscribed!
Thank you Julia
You are a inspiration!
Thank you for your gift that you give to all who listen to your messages.
God Bless you and your family!
Had a recent irritating situation come up at work. It’s nice to get a refresher counseling session on boundaries while walking the dog.
Hi Kristina I just wanna say thank you for the video , I just start to study about Counselling Skills and all your information help me a lot, I learn that is very important to set boundaries in relationship with the client, and be clear with myself where the boundaries lie. Thank you ones again. sending lots of love.
I am half way through and so far want to comment that this is really useful and great for me, resonates. Thank you!
I love listening to you! So much I have learned and used.
Challenges with a second marriage and it’s issues with adult husbands son and wife.
This is so true for me. I don't know if I am strong enough yet but I am surely going to practise.
I love your videos and find them so practical and helpful
I needed this! Thank you 🙏🏾
Great video on boundaries Julia. I have definitely experienced family members pushing me away because of my boundaries around diet, religion, lifestyle, communication etc. Boundary setting often brings up fears that a need will no longer be met. For example, my friend wanted to stop having wine with dinner to improve her health and her partner became upset because she was ruining all the fun. Another example is a need for a lot of time with a partner but the other partner needs a lot of space, which results in one person not getting the closeness they need.
Thank you so much.
Now I know the reason for all the pains I had in my life.
This is so great, thank you 😊
Your videos are really different. They offer something new and clear examples. Thank you !
Now is clear to me all about boundaries. Have a Happy Day.
Thank you for explaining the difference between a request and a boundary! 👍
Thank you for your efforts to bring enlightenment to those that are starving for mental health techniques that will bring empowerment to our lives.
Amazing. Thanku so much 🙏🏼
Thanks for telling us the examples about how to set boundaries.
I love this video I’ve watched it twice and will watch again because this is my struggle
Perfect. Love it