I never address crap with problematic people. Here’s why: 1.) I don’t need their validation to admit they are wrong, because most people will never admit they are wrong. 2.) I don’t need the closure of an apology, because most people will never apologize. 3.) I don’t care to waste my breath telling anyone who has wronged me what they did because they already know what they did, and they already know they shouldn’t have done it.They know this, because they wouldn’t want the same thing done to them. Just block them, get them out of your life, and move on.
Yes!! Well said. I actually did this for the first time 10 days ago with a guy I was in a relationship with. There was no point talking so I left, blocked and my health came back. 😳 Didn't realise he was the trigger to making me unwell. It was so covert I didn't realise. BIG lesson. 🙏🏻
@@beautifuldreamer8803 no it’s not! I’ve totally hurt people of late. It was not intentional but I’m really making a concerted effort to restrain myself. I have to put it in the idea in front of me daily. And pray for help!!
@@Deelitee Your intention matters. It matters 100%. When you Choose Silence is for you not them, you are not bad. You are simply dealing with children, remember this and you will find the love you need to stabilize and guide you. The Adult in the room is always the centered one, age doesn’t matter. Maturity is measured in love. Be the adult, be the parent you wish you’d had.
Thank you for this video. It is so true. 1) When they cannot handle feedback well. 2) When you know that it will not make a difference. (eg people who complain). 3) When it will make things worse. (They will use it against you or lash out). 4) When it is unsafe (could get aggressive, dangerous or mean) 5) When you have jot had the time to process. If you are just reacting... 6) When you will hurt someone because you feel wounded. Do not be a doormat but stay stable and assert your boundaries. 7) When the relationship is too superficial to withstand the comment. 8) When it goes against someone else's boundaries. 9) When not reacting is more powerful than getting hooked in. Don't take the bait and protect your peace.
How about when you know the other person is a pathological narcissist and accepts no personal responsibility for their actions. Then blames you for bringing it up.
not saying anything because you are choosing not to engage in an uncomfortable conversation is life transforming. i am allowed to say nothing. one of the most valuable skills you teach. thank you.
Yeah I think I shows more Respect for yourself that they are not worth the time you gave them in the past-I’m referring to bf, ex or someone that is never there for you or a toxic person pulling your spirit down -not like a close family member or friend just had. Argument with
There is a fine line, though. When you get comfortable with not facing the uncomfortable, you start to become AVOIDANT because now that comfort becomes fear. I lived the way I'm Speaking of and now I'm learning the uncomfortable isn't as bad and there are lessons by facing them
@@arvion917for sure. I was an avoider for a large part of my 20’s and 30’s and everyone thought I was so “laid back” and balanced. Meanwhile, I often didn’t receive components of the relationship that are essential and instead of voicing my disapproval of something I acted like it was cool and I carried that resentment with me often. Sometimes it was so bad I would have a hard time focusing on present situations and conversations because I was so preoccupied with not handling the situation correctly
I learned… that if I have to explain to a grown adult on how to be a decent and civil person as if I’m explaining to a two year old… that conversation shouldn’t even be taking place and is a total waste of time… or worse.
I have also found that people seem to "take you more seriously" if you speak thoughtfully and intentionally instead of just merely "venting" all the time.
I think i have to agree with this because Im the latter. I had an experience when i was a teacher. Those that I was “ terror “ of took me seriously but those I treated with smile, many forgotten me but few befriended me.
I find that people are too intellectually lazy to listen to anything remotely thoughtful beyond one sentence and need to be the ones who just vent and drone on about their shallow and petty thoughts.
You should always set boundaries and speak up for yourself in a calm manner. With few words, then move on. Do not allow people to mistreat you, speak up for yourself ❤️
My voice was suppressed as a child lol. Definitely feel that uncomfortableness when I don’t speak. Finding my middle ground balance is a journey. I have a silver tongue, main reason I was suppressed, but realizing My voice doesn’t or even can’t solve everything is very freeing. Being a slave to vocal expression is not a step up from coerced silence. They are just different sides of the same coin. Nice thoughts thank you.
Interesting. I feel the same way. I was brought up with the concept of children are seen not heard. And i was shy and introvert so i didnt say anything. I know I had anger issues connected to this suppressing. And then spoke up bluntly with a sharp tongue. Also, now on the journey of learning the middle ground.
It's the clue to find new person Coz in the end you will unable speak anything without making them triggered, and they will be the one talking while you losing your voice/opinion in the relationship It give you very unbalanced relationship dynamic Give up on them, if they want to change or show the signs of it, you can try to accept, but they must understand that you also have certain boundaries that they can't crossed no matter how bad their emotional issues is Coz that's emotional issue is their inability to properly regulated their emotions, and it's unfair to make you responsible for it Continue to accept them is making them have no boundaries and become lawless/uncivilised towards you
I have a hard time with some of these, because it reminds me of all the times my mother taught me not to bother saying things to shitty people because "That's just them." Growing up with that only taught an unnecessary subservience to jerks. It's true that some people never change. But sometimes you also cannot get rid of those people, so you have to be able to tell them to go eff off.
Usually if i care enough about the person enough to be their friend in the first place and something is really bothering me i tend to speak my truth before i walk away regardless if they get aggressive or defensive in the moment. I try to be kind of course, but direct. To me ghosting is immature and i wouldnt want to wonder why someone is not returning calls or whatever, so i try to treat others the way i want to be treated.
Definitely the last one resonated the most for me - protecting my peace when I feel like I’m being deliberately baited in a conversation. Needed that clarity ☺️
I have two “friends” that I recently have decided to fade out of my life. I have observed some of their behaviors over time, and I have realized that they are disordered and unstable (for example, I caught one in a huge lie, one has been struggling with certain issues for nearly 15 years and hasn’t gotten stable, things like that). Because they’re disordered, I came to the conclusion that confronting them, having a chat or setting boundaries would do no good. They need more than I am able to provide. I made my observations and moved on.
Maybe you don't have the ability to confront issues throughout the whole relationship. Then in the end you focus on what they did and it was a fraction of what they did.
Maybe you don't have the ability to confront issues throughout the whole relationship. Then in the end you focus on what they did and it was a fraction of what they did.
I can't deal with people anymore. The selfishness is so overwhelming. They're the only one with a problem but you are told yours aren't bad. I don't even talk about my problems anymore.
Complaining has its value when it is done in the moment in order to find a solution. Chronic whining, however, just brings everybody down. Know when to speak up and when to remain silent.
Great Advice . Too many people try to push the let’s work things out mentality even if it’s clearly toxic and not going to work. I don’t always engage for this exact reason
Also it’s how you give feedback, too. Delivery matters. Instead of saying, “Hey, can you not cut me of?” say “I hadn’t finished my point. Allow me to complete my thought, please.”
Man you hit it on the money with this video. I have only really recently been implementing these rules through my own mistakes and past experiences. But I have destroyed relationships by doing all these at some point in my life. I regret it looking back but I’m learning to forgive myself and move forward with more awareness, wisdom and emotional intelligence as much as I can. As the saying goes, when you know better, you do better Oh and only sharing when the relationship is deep enough to handle it is the biggest one for me!!
Absolutely! Don't react. Stay calm, cool and collected. Yes feel we all have. But we can learn self control. Wounding others never works, stand calm in your boundaries in a respectful way. Important.
Man, at this point in my life, I ain lettin’ SHT go! I’ve taken the higher road all my LIFE and it’s gotten me nothing but disrespect, and a gut full of pus. You got it in you to come at me sideways, you can get this work . . . . and I feel better for it, even if you get your feelings hurt. Turnabout is always fairplay, and since you clearly weren’t concerned with hurting MY feelings, oh it’s on.
Yes, I was a doormat for years. I would go in a deep depression feel victimized. Not anymore. Iam not a victim and if I'm not being treat in a respectful way I will say something now, if I feel I need too! I try never to get angry anymore. It does happen but there has to be a damn good reason, no one can steal my peace!!
Yep. I’m done with people taking advantage of my kindness. Some people WILL look at those of us who are good-natured and see opportunity or lack of consideration. Nope. I just called out a relative who asked me to do a project for them. I did a bang-up job on it. Welllll… not even a thank you from them. After not a peep for three months I sent them a big, fat bill. They were shocked
Negativity/complaining/criticising life is so very common I find, and I thank you for your advice on how to handle things when speaking out changes nothing.
What is truly disturbing is when any of these applies to therapists. Also, one not mentioned is when the other person insists on almost total positivity, all the time.
I wish somebody would talk about this more. It's the biggest problem of my life. Sometimes I'm sad, and I'm not allowed to be, but there's no one who has ever talked about it that I've seen. Apart from you.
Honestly, I enjoy every aspect of your videos. You have really done research on interpersonal relationships. You have reinforced the idea that i don't want any more toxicity. I don't want to complain about others, talk about other people . I therefore don't want to deal with complains. My family is hyper-sensitive to anything i say. They will find meaning in whatever I say.
Some survival methods: Don’t give people power they don’t deserve. If someone upsets you, pause before blurting out something you don’t mean. Stay calm and don’t raise your voice. Know your value. Never forget your value, even if you’re surrounded by people who ignore you. Leave toxic people behind. One red flag is too many. Being single has a lot of good aspects. Follow your passion. Nature walks. Confront your fears if they are proving to be a road block to progress.
Wow, this was my first time listening to Julia Kristina. What a wonderful person, I can tell that she genuinely cares for people. What a blessing to come across her channel.
Hi Julia! Senior Shifter Chris here! Thanks for making this follow up video! Although, I would like to point out, like last time, I only counted 8 guidelines? Did anyone else only catch 8 guidelines? I know you probably welcome feedback and suggestions, so I did email you because I did have a suggestion that might help when making UA-cam videos so there isn't confusion. I like that 8th guideline on when NOT to say something! I think that has been helping me so that when a family member makes comments that may get under my skin, I can just choose not to engage! Such a great tip! Thanks Coach! =) Thank you for your hardworking! You are doing great! Here are my notes: • It isn't always a good idea to say something 1. When you know that the person does not handle feedback well. 2. When you know it is not going to make a difference. 3. When it will actually make things worse. 4. When we haven't had the time to calm down and process our thoughts. Stop before you say something terrible or something you will regret. Take a deep breath. 5. When saying something is intended to hurt or harm someone else. 6. When the relationship isn't deep enough or mature enough to handle the authenticity. 7. When it goes against someone else's boundaries. 8. When saying nothing is more powerful than saying something. Selective and Intentional Nonengagement. To those living in the USA and celebrate, Happy Thanksgiving! Remember always what a worthy and valued person you are!
Especially when the same elder parents who silenced you as a child demand that you care for them as they age - and no one else is willing to do it either
This video is so powerful, it is essentially teaching us how to wield empowered silence. I have been looking for this kind of advice for a long time. This helps us choose silence as an active and intentional choice, which is SO powerful and gets us out of silence that has been a default due to abuse, not speaking up, and keeps us disempowered. A huge difference, but it all comes from what happens inside and whether we intentionally choose it or not. You’ve just given me a great blueprint. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart! 💕
Don’t say something if you know someone is at a low point, or their lowest point, except I’m here for you. Anything else could make them contemplate a long walk off a short pier. Let’s hope not, but it could send them down further.
Excellent video! I can use the content today in my relationships! Thank you! For me, the key theme is not to respond or react when I feel bad intentions coming or to revenge. It serves absolutely no purpose!
There are just some people that the minute you talk to them they just drain the energy out of you . Or if you try to ignore them they will still try to approach you energy vampires I call them .😒
Thank you so much for making this video. I prayed and asked The Lord for a sign on whether I should speak up and defend myself in righteousness over a situation where I'm being treated with partiality in someone's home, and He put this video in my algorithm. Same instruction He gave me last time. Just be quiet. They're wicked and it will only make things worse.
Your videos give me hope. I know everything you say is Right On. I went thru abuse mental and physical. My family was my saviors. They knew I was broken and weak. For year's they spent time giving me compliments. They were determined to turn my pain into strength. I love them so much for never giving up on me.
All of your videos are amazing. They have helped me realize so many things about myself and others. Thank you for taking the time to help others understand and grow.
My name is Ari.. Nice to meet you Julia. When I defined narcissism with experience I just can't believe there is just so many of them,,, Over 80% of everyone..
Julia , i been following you for about a month and i have to day that Everything is very help full and changed me in a good and better way ! Thank you !
All the points are very useful. Still living with my parents the one about not speaking up if the person does not handle feedback well resonates. My father is insecure and can get reactive if I try to address things with him, even if it is small and respectfully. Sadly, not addressing issues with him is making me feel like I don't have a voice and the best thing I can do is to start distancing from him. Thanks Julia for what you do. FYI, I believe there are 8 points listed, not 9
I have found that when I accepted my role as the mature one, I began to find patience and love for my parents. If you can see their flaws(edit: and they can’t) it means you have become the parent to them. Embrace your new role, you will find you have more capacity to deal as the wise one. Just the fact that your here getting help means you are already a few steps ahead. Can you cradle the ones who really need it? Can you have patience for the stubborn ones? I have found I can outlast anyone from love. You can hate me for as long as you want, but My love will last longer.
@@grahamthomas9319 Seeing their flaws isn’t a sign that you’ve become a parent to your parents - it doesn’t even require the presence of any kind of dysfunction between the two of you at all. It might only indicate that the parent is forthright enough with themselves about their flaws to hand you some perspective on their experience. This isn’t about pathology, but about possibility. it’s about showing your ‘child’ - even if he/she is an adult - that routinely looking at the road between who you were and who you are is a sign of somebody who’s comfortable in their own skin.
@@chriscoughlin9289 great thoughts! It sounds like you have a lot to offer your children! They are lucky to have you. It’s good to see our own flaws as parents and admit them. It’s sounds like you have a more equal kind of relationship with your kids, that’s the ideal. Your understanding is rare and beautiful. In some cases when the parent is really struggling, it can tip the other direction. I edited my previous comment to make my intention clearer. I come from a home that was pretty dysfunctional, I have spent the last 10 years exhaustively doing self work, I have a parent who is just starting that journey. It’s an odd dynamic, but The truth is I have sat through and provided love and support through many tantrums. It’s not everyone’s experience and no it’s not ideal :) but it’s family. Lol. It may sound arrogant To some, but if I don’t own what I have earned, then I am offering less than I could be. What I’ve earned is inner space and patience, and it is often needed. Pain needs space and love to heal. I am happy to play that role when I can, sometimes I can’t lol, for anyone who needs it. It’s the role of the parent I never had.
First off I have to say I can relate to your mannerisms, very classy and kind> secondly, you're suggestion to purposefully CHOOSE not to engage was AWESOME. I think we always feel we have to react to seem 'alive' lol or something. But when someone keeps at me, Im gonna try that because I too agree and stand in front of that type of reality. Thank you Julia🥰!
Just stumbled across your website when I was seeking info on passive-agressiveness. You're great! Thank for the very clear, honest and useful information and your commitment to Being Yourself well and helping us, too...
This is just what I needed to hear coincidently almost an hour into the New Year. Thank you Julia. Mostly all of your guidelines resonated with me. Great topic as Im in the midst of a few personal issues with people close to me.
I appreciate your calmness & how you phrase the responses, not allowing the need to rebut. My boundaries don’t need explanation which will eat my toxic person alive. I found your channel while looking for suggestions to close down the obsession of this person. I do not feel I have any obligation to answer ridiculous & repetitive questions. He has a one track mind, worsening by the day. He starts barraging my mother which is stressful. I look forward to future tips as I am newly subscribed to your channel😊
Excellent lesson . I live in a light version of many of the things you talk about and give perspective on . I feel for those who live in a full fledged " version " of these things . Thank you for this video Julia .
What a wonderful gift to found you this last day of 2022...you really make this world a better place and I like the way you rethink and pause a little after you said something when you speak. Thankyou for your advice . I needed to hear this.
I really love the way you deconstruct relationships, emotions, connections and presence. Fenomenal phenomenology! Makes me connect with my own experiensies. Profound! Thank you.
This is really relatable to me. I am really outspoken esp with the one I trust like my partner. However when I dont like something of feel like it isn’t okay for me, I always wanted to say it in the heat of moment without processing my feelings first. I thought it was better to speak up in that moment since that’s the raw emotion and the most honest one. Guess I need to hold it back, thank you for the reminder Julia
I can relate for me I am actually working on saying it with kindness as best I can in the moment ,instead of addressing the problem with someone else later. For me putting it off I end up festering stewing and ending up with a lot more anxiety and sometimes anger
The Boss example is spot on….”when the relationship is not deep enough to hold it.” Too often over sharing sets one up for further emotional pain. Doing one’s personal healing work from past trauma empowers new, healthy interactions guided by wisdom and boundaries. We learn not to take things personally which removes the sting that otherwise would hurt us. A wise person taught me that instead of getting defensive and judging, get curious. Ask “what was the purpose / reason of xyz” and you will learn things about the other person and yourself in the process. You may even find their motive wasn’t intended to hurt you. It may be their lack of awareness, skill, time, etc. Take a step back and get curious about human behavior and you’ll take things less personal. You don’t have to accept toxic behavior. You can disassociate and disengage, if needed for your protection. Sharing one’s emotions is really revealing your heart to someone. Your heart should only be shared with those in your inner circle in whom you trust to be vulnerable with. Revealing past trauma or insecurities to your boss, coworker, or associate is not likely appropriate or emotionally safe. You may find yourself being manipulated, downgraded, or treated differently. It’s like when you see a boss drunk at a party and behave inappropriately…you never forget it and you see them differently (less valued) thereafter. Keep things professional at work by guarding your heart and only revealing your inner most feelings to emotionally safe people in your inner circle (or your therapist).
This was really helpful and has reminded me about when I should not say anything. I often get together with some people in building I live in where there is lots of gossip. And it is so hard not to just jump in and be critical of others. And not saying anything in other areas of my life. Take care I hope you are doing well.
@@gilbrook I have her book - cracked it open; just have to carve out time to read it. Brought it along to read while I'm out having Thanksgiving dinner. Going to put this phone down to read the book now. Thank you!
Such a beautiful and fruitful speech . I will use this video in my life from today . As few people who are close to me are hurting and humiliating me also by using their friends . And by reacting to such people is only going to to bring me more hurt.
I struggle with these in my life. Sometimes I wonder how do people put up with me. Good points. For me its hard not to say something when I feel triggered by behaviour that reminds me of my father. some things are blurry , unclear in my head because of my life experiences. Im gonna be working on not putting people down so much, but taking a break and cooling down so as to be more objective, assertive. Ive got your course on Speak and feel heard, Julia. Just taking my time with it. Great video
selective non-engagement can easily become the silent treatment and passive-aggressive! I have a best friend who literally have done that to me for the last 7+ months. I tried to communicate and understand and he just discarded me and ignored me. Then when I exploded due to the stonewalling, and that I saw he was streaming my chat in another discord (caught) he then finally responded back-filled an excuse which was nowhere near satisfactorily. Of course, the excuse was blaming me for "wanting to be too close" even though I made sure that he set the distance (and it was very close - called me almost everyday, sometimes multiple times/and spent days in calls at points). he shared everything to do with his life, I was his closest friend ever yet he had no problem dropping the call one day, stop inviting me completely, just out no where! I suspect he is narcissist but I don't want to think that and I really care and he's just invalided me and dehumanized me. It's been really painful.
Wow. This is so helpful to me right now! I have been working on this with a couple of people in my immediate circle. I have been trying g but haven't been able to clearly put it into concrete thoughts and concepts. Thank you for how clearly you present and define action for me. Or non- action. Great talk. Really helpful!
I struggle with the complainer one so much with my mum. She lives in a nursing home and I help out in a caregiver role with her appointments and try to do outings with her every week. When she complains i feel like I have to take them seriously and then take action to advocate for her or otherwise address the need. I’ve been exploring codependency traits too and am aware of those. I guess my healthier way of dealing with it is jotting them down and dealing with it when I can, or looking for trends to know when something is a big enough issue. She’s usually right… but man it can be such a drag sometimes.
Julia Kristina, you are amazing. I've wrote a letter to my now ex partner saying all that upset me (I was unable to talk to him in person about it as he became so defensive, reactive and argumentative, raising his voice at me), in a respectful way, I addressed his poor hygiene and dishevelled appearance (he stopped making an effort with regards to his looks, compared to when we started dating), and he went mad at me, saying he felt sorry for me to be with 'such a dishevelled person' and that I needed to find a man who would be Ken doll for me. He completely weaponised that letter and used it against me. This was such a lightbulb moment for me, I realised he was so emotionally immature and that I can do better. So I apologised to him for upsetting him by writing that letter, said to him that I am taking responsibility for my words and that the letter upset him, and I walked away from him and deleted his number. Thank you for helping people like myself, You are very kind and, quite truly, an angel💜
As long it is the truth and something that will help that person, Tell them. They will not like you... but, eventually, they will get it. Sometimes we all need people to tell us the truth in black and white.
Usually you say "our little corner on UA-cam " your little corner is such a big wall for many people really interested in what you say and loving the way you saying it 🌹♥,.. Thank you,..
This is awesome. I would like to add one more. Not sharing how I feel when I know it will hurt the other person. A slight variation on what has already been said.
It can be a hard thing to do.. My thinking is if you don’t say something then how do they know it’s bothering you but you’re absolutely right !!it’s like a muscle that we have to work at and the more we do the better will be in control to hold our tongue back…
I never address crap with problematic people. Here’s why:
1.) I don’t need their validation to admit they are wrong, because most people will never admit they are wrong.
2.) I don’t need the closure of an apology, because most people will never apologize.
3.) I don’t care to waste my breath telling anyone who has wronged me what they did because they already know what they did, and they already know they shouldn’t have done it.They know this, because they wouldn’t want the same thing done to them.
Just block them, get them out of your life, and move on.
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Yes!! Well said.
I actually did this for the first time 10 days ago with a guy I was in a relationship with.
There was no point talking so I left, blocked and my health came back. 😳 Didn't realise he was the trigger to making me unwell. It was so covert I didn't realise. BIG lesson. 🙏🏻
Absolutely YES to all 3. You nailed it!
My Mrs complaining how I go out with my friends and come home after being out with them a little drunk and for her its like a major thing 🙃 🙄
Thank you for the clarity. Much needed!
It becomes crystal clear that you are in a troubled marriage when you get to the point that you can't talk to your spouse about anything.
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I know that feeling!, i wish u self care..
Hug 🤗
Can relate*
I feel that! I used to joke that “hello” sounds like an accusation, lol, fun stuff! Take care ❤️🩹
Feel that
James 1:19 "Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry."
Not easy at all.
@@beautifuldreamer8803 no it’s not! I’ve totally hurt people of late. It was not intentional but I’m really making a concerted effort to restrain myself. I have to put it in the idea in front of me daily. And pray for help!!
@@Deelitee Your intention matters. It matters 100%. When you Choose Silence is for you not them, you are not bad. You are simply dealing with children, remember this and you will find the love you need to stabilize and guide you. The Adult in the room is always the centered one, age doesn’t matter. Maturity is measured in love. Be the adult, be the parent you wish you’d had.
Amen!
Let's do it...never too old to learn and to change.
I think if one has to walk on egg shells with someone, it’s time to end the relationship whether it’s friendship or romantic relationship.
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That’s the problem. I can’t end the relationship. The person is a close relative.
100000%%
Agreed.
Communication is key in all relationships and we should be sensitive to peoples character and relate with them accordingly.
Thank you for this video. It is so true.
1) When they cannot handle feedback well.
2) When you know that it will not make a difference. (eg people who complain).
3) When it will make things worse. (They will use it against you or lash out).
4) When it is unsafe (could get aggressive, dangerous or mean)
5) When you have jot had the time to process. If you are just reacting...
6) When you will hurt someone because you feel wounded. Do not be a doormat but stay stable and assert your boundaries.
7) When the relationship is too superficial to withstand the comment.
8) When it goes against someone else's boundaries.
9) When not reacting is more powerful than getting hooked in. Don't take the bait and protect your peace.
Feedback appreciated...👍
Wanting more info and insight..?
Whatapp the number above..
Endeavor to reach out..💬
Number 7. That said when you’re unaware of how one sided the relationship is till it is too late simply disengage
Number 7 they will do all they can to make you think you are the problem, very hard when this person is your mother ;/
How about when you know the other person is a pathological narcissist and accepts no personal responsibility for their actions. Then blames you for bringing it up.
If #4 ever applies, you need to get this person out of your life.
not saying anything because you are choosing not to engage in an uncomfortable conversation is life transforming. i am allowed to say nothing. one of the most valuable skills you teach. thank you.
Yes Traci! You're so welcome. This one was life changing for me too.
Yes! It's empowering to realize you don't have to say anything!
Yeah I think I shows more Respect for yourself that they are not worth the time you gave them in the past-I’m referring to bf, ex or someone that is never there for you or a toxic person pulling your spirit down -not like a close family member or friend just had. Argument with
There is a fine line, though. When you get comfortable with not facing the uncomfortable, you start to become AVOIDANT because now that comfort becomes fear. I lived the way I'm Speaking of and now I'm learning the uncomfortable isn't as bad and there are lessons by facing them
@@arvion917for sure. I was an avoider for a large part of my 20’s and 30’s and everyone thought I was so “laid back” and balanced. Meanwhile, I often didn’t receive components of the relationship that are essential and instead of voicing my disapproval of something I acted like it was cool and I carried that resentment with me often. Sometimes it was so bad I would have a hard time focusing on present situations and conversations because I was so preoccupied with not handling the situation correctly
I learned… that if I have to explain to a grown adult on how to be a decent and civil person as if I’m explaining to a two year old… that conversation shouldn’t even be taking place and is a total waste of time… or worse.
Some people cannot handle feedback because they’re so immature and insecure.
I have also found that people seem to "take you more seriously" if you speak thoughtfully and intentionally instead of just merely "venting" all the time.
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I think i have to agree with this because Im the latter. I had an experience when i was a teacher. Those that I was “ terror “ of took me seriously but those I treated with smile, many forgotten me but few befriended me.
I find that people are too intellectually lazy to listen to anything remotely thoughtful beyond one sentence and need to be the ones who just vent and drone on about their shallow and petty thoughts.
Let them miss your absence. Drives the dark side crazy. Spiritual reciprocity is so comforting.
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Don't you mean 'miss your presence'?
Yes, grace them by your absence.
each time is different but often in my life.. less is more... not saying something shuts it down, done
I have found this "intentional non-engagement" to be really effective in dealing with really aggressive, irritating people.
Ok 👍🎉
You should always set boundaries and speak up for yourself in a calm manner. With few words, then move on. Do not allow people to mistreat you, speak up for yourself ❤️
My voice was suppressed as a child lol. Definitely feel that uncomfortableness when I don’t speak. Finding my middle ground balance is a journey. I have a silver tongue, main reason I was suppressed, but realizing My voice doesn’t or even can’t solve everything is very freeing. Being a slave to vocal expression is not a step up from coerced silence. They are just different sides of the same coin. Nice thoughts thank you.
Ok 🎉
Interesting. I feel the same way. I was brought up with the concept of children are seen not heard. And i was shy and introvert so i didnt say anything. I know I had anger issues connected to this suppressing. And then spoke up bluntly with a sharp tongue. Also, now on the journey of learning the middle ground.
@@felicitygrace5113 beautiful, thank you for being yourself.
Anything you say will be used against you.
This is a good reminder
It's the clue to find new person
Coz in the end you will unable speak anything without making them triggered, and they will be the one talking while you losing your voice/opinion in the relationship
It give you very unbalanced relationship dynamic
Give up on them, if they want to change or show the signs of it, you can try to accept, but they must understand that you also have certain boundaries that they can't crossed no matter how bad their emotional issues is
Coz that's emotional issue is their inability to properly regulated their emotions, and it's unfair to make you responsible for it
Continue to accept them is making them have no boundaries and become lawless/uncivilised towards you
Sometimes, you put up with somebody's crap for so long, and it's hard not to say something to lash out. Just walk away.
I have a hard time with some of these, because it reminds me of all the times my mother taught me not to bother saying things to shitty people because "That's just them." Growing up with that only taught an unnecessary subservience to jerks. It's true that some people never change. But sometimes you also cannot get rid of those people, so you have to be able to tell them to go eff off.
Usually if i care enough about the person enough to be their friend in the first place and something is really bothering me i tend to speak my truth before i walk away regardless if they get aggressive or defensive in the moment. I try to be kind of course, but direct. To me ghosting is immature and i wouldnt want to wonder why someone is not returning calls or whatever, so i try to treat others the way i want to be treated.
Exactly!!
Definitely the last one resonated the most for me - protecting my peace when I feel like I’m being deliberately baited in a conversation. Needed that clarity ☺️
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Sometimes get tired of saying nothing and putting up with the same rubbish all the time
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Yes likea Dearly Beloved Bully
My peace is too important to me to engage in foolishness. Silence is golden!
Amen to that❤😊
I have two “friends” that I recently have decided to fade out of my life. I have observed some of their behaviors over time, and I have realized that they are disordered and unstable (for example, I caught one in a huge lie, one has been struggling with certain issues for nearly 15 years and hasn’t gotten stable, things like that). Because they’re disordered, I came to the conclusion that confronting them, having a chat or setting boundaries would do no good. They need more than I am able to provide. I made my observations and moved on.
Maybe you don't have the ability to confront issues throughout the whole relationship. Then in the end you focus on what they did and it was a fraction of what they did.
Maybe you don't have the ability to confront issues throughout the whole relationship. Then in the end you focus on what they did and it was a fraction of what they did.
I can't deal with people anymore. The selfishness is so overwhelming. They're the only one with a problem but you are told yours aren't bad. I don't even talk about my problems anymore.
Complaining has its value when it is done in the moment in order to find a solution.
Chronic whining, however, just brings everybody down.
Know when to speak up and when to remain silent.
I never van figure out where the link is to view a previous talk of yours and they are so interesting.
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A new viewer here from Canada...love your channel, Julia. Will be looking for you again!
Highly recommend Julia’s book “Drive Your Own Darn Bus”.
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Great Advice . Too many people try to push the let’s work things out mentality even if it’s clearly toxic and not going to work. I don’t always engage for this exact reason
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Hi I'm a new subscriber. I like your practical, down-to-earth advice.
Also it’s how you give feedback, too. Delivery matters. Instead of saying, “Hey, can you not cut me of?” say “I hadn’t finished my point. Allow me to complete my thought, please.”
Man you hit it on the money with this video. I have only really recently been implementing these rules through my own mistakes and past experiences. But I have destroyed relationships by doing all these at some point in my life. I regret it looking back but I’m learning to forgive myself and move forward with more awareness, wisdom and emotional intelligence as much as I can. As the saying goes, when you know better, you do better
Oh and only sharing when the relationship is deep enough to handle it is the biggest one for me!!
Absolutely! Don't react. Stay calm, cool and collected. Yes feel we all have. But we can learn self control.
Wounding others never works, stand calm in your boundaries in a respectful way. Important.
Man, at this point in my life, I ain lettin’ SHT go! I’ve taken the higher road all my LIFE and it’s gotten me nothing but disrespect, and a gut full of pus. You got it in you to come at me sideways, you can get this work . . . . and I feel better for it, even if you get your feelings hurt. Turnabout is always fairplay, and since you clearly weren’t concerned with hurting MY feelings, oh it’s on.
Yes, I was a doormat for years. I would go in a deep depression feel victimized. Not anymore. Iam not a victim and if I'm not being treat in a respectful way I will say something now, if I feel I need too! I try never to get angry anymore. It does happen but there has to be a damn good reason, no one can steal my peace!!
@@human-qp1mf - Amen. Your piece is the most important thing for your well-being. Take care of yourself, and have a safe holiday.
@@TheBerkeleyBeauty 🦃💕🙏
Yep. I’m done with people taking advantage of my kindness. Some people WILL look at those of us who are good-natured and see opportunity or lack of consideration. Nope. I just called out a relative who asked me to do a project for them. I did a bang-up job on it. Welllll… not even a thank you from them. After not a peep for three months I sent them a big, fat bill. They were shocked
Negativity/complaining/criticising life is so very common I find, and I thank you for your advice on how to handle things when speaking out changes nothing.
What is truly disturbing is when any of these applies to therapists. Also, one not mentioned is when the other person insists on almost total positivity, all the time.
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I wish somebody would talk about this more. It's the biggest problem of my life. Sometimes I'm sad, and I'm not allowed to be, but there's no one who has ever talked about it that I've seen. Apart from you.
Thank you for putting these videos out free of charge, they are so helpful.
You're welcome Lucy - glad you're here.
Honestly, I enjoy every aspect of your videos. You have really done research on interpersonal relationships. You have reinforced the idea that i don't want any more toxicity. I don't want to complain about others, talk about other people . I therefore don't want to deal with complains. My family is hyper-sensitive to anything i say. They will find meaning in whatever I say.
Some survival methods: Don’t give people power they don’t deserve. If someone upsets you, pause before blurting out something you don’t mean. Stay calm and don’t raise your voice. Know your value. Never forget your value, even if you’re surrounded by people who ignore you. Leave toxic people behind. One red flag is too many. Being single has a lot of good aspects. Follow your passion. Nature walks. Confront your fears if they are proving to be a road block to progress.
Wow, this was my first time listening to Julia Kristina. What a wonderful person, I can tell that she genuinely cares for people. What a blessing to come across her channel.
Hi Julia! Senior Shifter Chris here! Thanks for making this follow up video!
Although, I would like to point out, like last time, I only counted 8 guidelines? Did anyone else only catch 8 guidelines?
I know you probably welcome feedback and suggestions, so I did email you because I did have a suggestion that might help when making UA-cam videos so there isn't confusion.
I like that 8th guideline on when NOT to say something! I think that has been helping me so that when a family member makes comments that may get under my skin, I can just choose not to engage! Such a great tip! Thanks Coach! =) Thank you for your hardworking! You are doing great!
Here are my notes:
• It isn't always a good idea to say something
1. When you know that the person does not handle feedback well.
2. When you know it is not going to make a difference.
3. When it will actually make things worse.
4. When we haven't had the time to calm down and process our thoughts. Stop before you say something terrible or something you will regret. Take a deep breath.
5. When saying something is intended to hurt or harm someone else.
6. When the relationship isn't deep enough or mature enough to handle the authenticity.
7. When it goes against someone else's boundaries.
8. When saying nothing is more powerful than saying something. Selective and Intentional Nonengagement.
To those living in the USA and celebrate, Happy Thanksgiving!
Remember always what a worthy and valued person you are!
Ok 👍🎉
So, what do you think the 9th guideline should be?
@johnwieczorek Oh can't remember...
Everyone wants to speak and feel heard.❤
Especially when the same elder parents who silenced you as a child demand that you care for them as they age - and no one else is willing to do it either
This video is so powerful, it is essentially teaching us how to wield empowered silence. I have been looking for this kind of advice for a long time. This helps us choose silence as an active and intentional choice, which is SO powerful and gets us out of silence that has been a default due to abuse, not speaking up, and keeps us disempowered. A huge difference, but it all comes from what happens inside and whether we intentionally choose it or not. You’ve just given me a great blueprint. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart! 💕
I love black and white color screen
Makes me feel more calm when watching you
Don’t say something if you know someone is at a low point, or their lowest point, except I’m here for you. Anything else could make them contemplate a long walk off a short pier. Let’s hope not, but it could send them down further.
Feedback appreciated...👍
Wanting more info and insight..?
Whatapp the number above..
Endeavor to reach out..💬
Very thoughtful and inciteful with empathy.Wish everyone was like that.❤
Thank you for great advice. ❤ it is often much better not to say anything and just move on. Silence and actions speak louder than words.
I'm very happy,my video on UA-cam is muchly impactful to you,and family 🥰
Yes, for some people every solution has a problem.
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I clearly understand, but it all sounds s
like the easy way out, and allowing people to continue being bullies. Sometimes silence is a silent killer.
In that situation, saying something will safe someone’s life .
Excellent video! I can use the content today in my relationships! Thank you! For me, the key theme is not to respond or react when I feel bad intentions coming or to revenge. It serves absolutely no purpose!
Amen to this! Glad you found it helpful Martine.
Thank you so very for giving up your time on a holiday to offer support to us. This advice is timely in a spiritual sense for me.
You're so welcome. I'm glad it was helpful
Thank you. I love that point to ‘not engage and protect my peace’.
There are just some people that the minute you talk to them they just drain the energy out of you . Or if you try to ignore them they will still try to approach you energy vampires I call them .😒
Sometimes you have to just listen and not give feedback.❤
Thank you so much for making this video. I prayed and asked The Lord for a sign on whether I should speak up and defend myself in righteousness over a situation where I'm being treated with partiality in someone's home, and He put this video in my algorithm. Same instruction He gave me last time. Just be quiet. They're wicked and it will only make things worse.
Your videos give me hope. I know everything you say is Right On. I went thru abuse mental and physical. My family was my saviors. They knew I was broken and weak. For year's they spent time giving me compliments. They were determined to turn my pain into strength.
I love them so much for never giving up on me.
All of your videos are amazing. They have helped me realize so many things about myself and others. Thank you for taking the time to help others understand and grow.
Good morning I am new here! Loving your messages! Donna
My name is Ari.. Nice to meet you Julia. When I defined narcissism with experience I just can't believe there is just so many of them,,, Over 80% of everyone..
This is what I needed. I'm pretty kicked back other than around one person. They jusy set me on edge.
Julia , i been following you for about a month and i have to day that Everything is very help full and changed me in a good and better way ! Thank you !
All the points are very useful. Still living with my parents the one about not speaking up if the person does not handle feedback well resonates. My father is insecure and can get reactive if I try to address things with him, even if it is small and respectfully. Sadly, not addressing issues with him is making me feel like I don't have a voice and the best thing I can do is to start distancing from him. Thanks Julia for what you do.
FYI, I believe there are 8 points listed, not 9
You're welcome - and I hope you're able to figure out a way to collaborate with your father, if not I hope you're able to find some peace.
I have found that when I accepted my role as the mature one, I began to find patience and love for my parents. If you can see their flaws(edit: and they can’t) it means you have become the parent to them. Embrace your new role, you will find you have more capacity to deal as the wise one. Just the fact that your here getting help means you are already a few steps ahead. Can you cradle the ones who really need it? Can you have patience for the stubborn ones? I have found I can outlast anyone from love. You can hate me for as long as you want, but My love will last longer.
@@grahamthomas9319 Seeing their flaws isn’t a sign that you’ve become a parent to your parents - it doesn’t even require the presence of any kind of dysfunction between the two of you at all.
It might only indicate that the parent is forthright enough with themselves about their flaws to hand you some perspective on their experience.
This isn’t about pathology, but about possibility.
it’s about showing your ‘child’ - even if he/she is an adult - that routinely looking at the road between who you were and who you are is a sign of somebody who’s comfortable in their own skin.
@@chriscoughlin9289 great thoughts! It sounds like you have a lot to offer your children! They are lucky to have you. It’s good to see our own flaws as parents and admit them. It’s sounds like you have a more equal kind of relationship with your kids, that’s the ideal. Your understanding is rare and beautiful.
In some cases when the parent is really struggling, it can tip the other direction. I edited my previous comment to make my intention clearer.
I come from a home that was pretty dysfunctional, I have spent the last 10 years exhaustively doing self work, I have a parent who is just starting that journey. It’s an odd dynamic, but The truth is I have sat through and provided love and support through many tantrums. It’s not everyone’s experience and no it’s not ideal :) but it’s family. Lol.
It may sound arrogant To some, but if I don’t own what I have earned, then I am offering less than I could be. What I’ve earned is inner space and patience, and it is often needed. Pain needs space and love to heal. I am happy to play that role when I can, sometimes I can’t lol, for anyone who needs it. It’s the role of the parent I never had.
@@grahamthomas9319 And me them - only more so.
Some days I'm the windshield, some days I'm the bug.
Silence is golden Julia.❤
First off I have to say I can relate to your mannerisms, very classy and kind> secondly, you're suggestion to purposefully CHOOSE not to engage was AWESOME. I think we always feel we have to react to seem 'alive' lol or something. But when someone keeps at me, Im gonna try that because I too agree and stand in front of that type of reality. Thank you Julia🥰!
Just stumbled across your website when I was seeking info on passive-agressiveness. You're great! Thank for the very clear, honest and useful information and your commitment to Being Yourself well and helping us, too...
This is just what I needed to hear coincidently almost an hour into the New Year. Thank you Julia. Mostly all of your guidelines resonated with me. Great topic as Im in the midst of a few personal issues with people close to me.
I'm in the same boat as you.
I am so thankful for you and the content you provide. Sometimes I come here for "validation" and "comfort." Wisdom always makes me feel better. 🙏
I appreciate your calmness & how you phrase the responses, not allowing the need to rebut. My boundaries don’t need explanation which will eat my toxic person alive. I found your channel while looking for suggestions to close down the obsession of this person. I do not feel I have any obligation to answer ridiculous & repetitive questions. He has a one track mind, worsening by the day. He starts barraging my mother which is stressful. I look forward to future tips as I am newly subscribed to your channel😊
Feedback appreciated...👍
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Whatapp the number above..
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Excellent lesson . I live in a light version of many of the things you talk about and give perspective on . I feel for those who live in a full fledged " version " of these things . Thank you for this video Julia .
I liked the no response choice as a response
What a wonderful gift to found you this last day of 2022...you really make this world a better place and I like the way you rethink and pause a little after you said something when you speak. Thankyou for your advice . I needed to hear this.
Hello Julia!
A piece of sound advice. Life saving at times. Please take it seriously. Thank you Julia.
I really love the way you deconstruct relationships, emotions, connections and presence. Fenomenal phenomenology! Makes me connect with my own experiensies. Profound! Thank you.
Thank you I’ve needed a voice to hear lately and your videos are inspiring and have helped me re set and focus
Really good suggestions for letting it go and button your mouth, especially when it will not make a difference.
This is really relatable to me. I am really outspoken esp with the one I trust like my partner. However when I dont like something of feel like it isn’t okay for me, I always wanted to say it in the heat of moment without processing my feelings first. I thought it was better to speak up in that moment since that’s the raw emotion and the most honest one. Guess I need to hold it back, thank you for the reminder Julia
Really glad you found some important takeaways with this one!
I can relate for me I am actually working on saying it with kindness as best I can in the moment ,instead of addressing the problem with someone else later.
For me putting it off I end up festering stewing and ending up with a lot more anxiety and sometimes anger
I’m new to your channel…….thank you so much for sharing your wise content!
The Boss example is spot on….”when the relationship is not deep enough to hold it.”
Too often over sharing sets one up for further emotional pain. Doing one’s personal healing work from past trauma empowers new, healthy interactions guided by wisdom and boundaries.
We learn not to take things personally which removes the sting that otherwise would hurt us. A wise person taught me that instead of getting defensive and judging, get curious. Ask “what was the purpose / reason of xyz” and you will learn things about the other person and yourself in the process. You may even find their motive wasn’t intended to hurt you. It may be their lack of awareness, skill, time, etc. Take a step back and get curious about human behavior and you’ll take things less personal. You don’t have to accept toxic behavior. You can disassociate and disengage, if needed for your protection.
Sharing one’s emotions is really revealing your heart to someone. Your heart should only be shared with those in your inner circle in whom you trust to be vulnerable with. Revealing past trauma or insecurities to your boss, coworker, or associate is not likely appropriate or emotionally safe. You may find yourself being manipulated, downgraded, or treated differently. It’s like when you see a boss drunk at a party and behave inappropriately…you never forget it and you see them differently (less valued) thereafter. Keep things professional at work by guarding your heart and only revealing your inner most feelings to emotionally safe people in your inner circle (or your therapist).
Don’t give your energy to energy vampires. You aren’t changing them and you’re only hurting yourself.
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This is fabulous guidance!! Thank you so so much. Addressing so many aspects, needed this.
This was really helpful and has reminded me about when I should not say anything. I often get together with some people in building I live in where there is lots of gossip. And it is so hard not to just jump in and be critical of others. And not saying anything in other areas of my life. Take care I hope you are doing well.
Highly recommend Julia’s book “Drive Your Own Darn Bus”.
@@gilbrook I have her book - cracked it open; just have to carve out time to read it. Brought it along to read while I'm out having Thanksgiving dinner. Going to put this phone down to read the book now. Thank you!
Glad this one connected.
I so agree with you! The power of our tongue destroys people! I try hard too, doesn’t always happen, however, all we can do is try!
Thanks for this information
great points and helpful tips!
I've listened to this 4 times and will continue to ask so until I react wisely towards situations in my life!!
Such a beautiful and fruitful speech . I will use this video in my life from today . As few people who are close to me are hurting and humiliating me also by using their friends . And by reacting to such people is only going to to bring me more hurt.
Thank you for this video, I really needed to watch this😊
I struggle with these in my life. Sometimes I wonder how do people put up with me. Good points. For me its hard not to say something when I feel triggered by behaviour that reminds me of my father. some things are blurry , unclear in my head because of my life experiences. Im gonna be working on not putting people down so much, but taking a break and cooling down so as to be more objective, assertive. Ive got your course on Speak and feel heard, Julia. Just taking my time with it. Great video
Ok 🎉
Have you tried looking at 'The Crappy Childhood Fairy' on UA-cam?It may be helpful for you.
@@clairejohnson6522 thanks for reply. yes , I have. I like her videos too.
I happened upon your sessions looking for help with major overthinker!! Wow!
It hit the bullseye !
selective non-engagement can easily become the silent treatment and passive-aggressive! I have a best friend who literally have done that to me for the last 7+ months. I tried to communicate and understand and he just discarded me and ignored me. Then when I exploded due to the stonewalling, and that I saw he was streaming my chat in another discord (caught) he then finally responded back-filled an excuse which was nowhere near satisfactorily. Of course, the excuse was blaming me for "wanting to be too close" even though I made sure that he set the distance (and it was very close - called me almost everyday, sometimes multiple times/and spent days in calls at points). he shared everything to do with his life, I was his closest friend ever yet he had no problem dropping the call one day, stop inviting me completely, just out no where! I suspect he is narcissist but I don't want to think that and I really care and he's just invalided me and dehumanized me. It's been really painful.
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Your timing is PERFECT!!!
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Wow. This is so helpful to me right now! I have been working on this with a couple of people in my immediate circle. I have been trying g but haven't been able to clearly put it into concrete thoughts and concepts. Thank you for how clearly you present and define action for me. Or non- action. Great talk. Really helpful!
I struggle with the complainer one so much with my mum. She lives in a nursing home and I help out in a caregiver role with her appointments and try to do outings with her every week. When she complains i feel like I have to take them seriously and then take action to advocate for her or otherwise address the need. I’ve been exploring codependency traits too and am aware of those. I guess my healthier way of dealing with it is jotting them down and dealing with it when I can, or looking for trends to know when something is a big enough issue. She’s usually right… but man it can be such a drag sometimes.
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You are Breathing life back into my life!!!! Thank you!!
I wouldn’t want a one-sided relationship in my life Julia.
My ex-friend Becky Keena is a very jealous person Julia.
Julia Kristina, you are amazing. I've wrote a letter to my now ex partner saying all that upset me (I was unable to talk to him in person about it as he became so defensive, reactive and argumentative, raising his voice at me), in a respectful way, I addressed his poor hygiene and dishevelled appearance (he stopped making an effort with regards to his looks, compared to when we started dating), and he went mad at me, saying he felt sorry for me to be with 'such a dishevelled person' and that I needed to find a man who would be Ken doll for me. He completely weaponised that letter and used it against me. This was such a lightbulb moment for me, I realised he was so emotionally immature and that I can do better. So I apologised to him for upsetting him by writing that letter, said to him that I am taking responsibility for my words and that the letter upset him, and I walked away from him and deleted his number. Thank you for helping people like myself, You are very kind and, quite truly, an angel💜
Insightful and so helpful.
As long it is the truth and something that will help that person, Tell them. They will not like you... but, eventually, they will get it. Sometimes we all need people to tell us the truth in black and white.
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Usually you say "our little corner on UA-cam " your little corner is such a big wall for many people really interested in what you say and loving the way you saying it 🌹♥,..
Thank you,..
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This is awesome. I would like to add one more. Not sharing how I feel when I know it will hurt the other person. A slight variation on what has already been said.
Thank you for pointing out
I have to watch this video again and again,thank you Julia for the lessons you are giving us,God bless you🙏🙏😘am grateful,you are changing my life
Ok 👍🎉
It can be a hard thing to do.. My thinking is if you don’t say something then how do they know it’s bothering you but you’re absolutely right !!it’s like a muscle that we have to work at and the more we do the better will be in control to hold our tongue back…
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