The Difference Between Being an Empath & Being Codependent
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- Опубліковано 28 кві 2020
- This talk on my channel,@Julia Kristina Counselling, is about the difference between being an empath and being co-dependent. Although two can be related, someone who experiences codependency isn't necessarily someone who is more empathic and vice versa. Here were going to talk about the key difference between being and empath and being codependent and what if you experience both, what will help you be a caring, sensitive person without the struggles that come with relating to others in a co-dependent way.
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#codependence #codependent #empath
I learned this: "Whatever people give you, they can take away. Whomever you need, controls you. Need people less, love them more."
Wow! So true.
Thank you for this 🙏🙏🙏🙏
You can’t love someone without being vulnerable and that includes you acknowledging the need of other people in your life.
Thank you. This was helpful
@@histrangersbye2684 I agree I think independance is an unhealthy illusion that only reinforces the illusion of separateness, we are all interdependent if you think not You are nothing more than a grain of sand searching for independence in the desert.
Whenever you bind your happiness to external sources, it's like you throw away the key for your wellbeing.
Are you even aware of what did you just said?you're always here posting some s*ity comments. you so annoying,your picture also is annoying.then don't bind your happiness with absolutely nothing but your inner self, then try to be happy,good luck with that!
True!!
Easier said than done. Everyone needs employment. That is, if they enjoy eating.
@@louisw4390 Yes, easier said than done ( I know!) However, not everyone needs 'employment'...That's the key.
I wonder he says but except for God😄. Cherry picker wisdoms
Just what I needed to hear. This is exactly where I am at in my recovery from codependency. At 51, I have just learned that it is not selfish to put your needs first, it's Self care.
I’m 57. Just learned that a few months back.
57, and I realized along the way that I had no idea what I ever wanted because of 2 alcoholic parents. Took me awhile to figure this out.
ditto
Yes when we do what is best for us first ,it is best for everyone else.
50. 🙂👍
Being empathic makes it hard for me to recognize manipulation sometimes
Sociopath and psychopath are almost impossible to read
Amen!
@Goth Vaush - Jedi Master Engineer No, what is the story?
I have an automatic bs detector due to emotional neglect and abuse by my family when I was a child. My gut goes nuts whenever someone is fake or playing games. I've also lost the ability to feel fear and shame.
@@Lightworrior I hope you find good people you can trust and that results in you trusting yourself. The world is always scary and always good. Be the good. It's what you can control.
"Allow yourself to be uncomfortable." Wow. Game changing for me.
Me too. I have such high anxiety that I go right into fix it mode. I used to run to fix ME mode (pills) the minute I started to feel this way. Living with an alcoholic who turned on a dime, if I took some pills that made me sleep I didn't have to deal with him, otherwise I would go the other extreme and try to make him better, do what he wanted. Give him money or food. Plus, try to fix the angry people that HE ticked off by being a jerk. Man, I don't miss those days at all!!
@@lewasil I can relate to this completely. I'm so glad you are in a healthier place!
I also like the one ; “practice being useless” I heard someone else say once
“I understand you” vs. “I need to fix you”...perfect analogy
Detached. Observing not reacting. Choosing to respond. Not react. Mindful in the moment. Not feeing guilty bout saying no no more.
How to do this?
I get lost in a relationship it’s as if I stop being me and give up doing things on my own. Learning every day though thanks for this
Me too
Ditto
Married 21 yrs and I am completely lost wrt myself. Wife had an affair for several mths and I got destroyed when I found out about this about 6 mths ago. I forgave her with the hope to mend things. But I have come to realize that I appear to be the only one making an effort and wanting to go to couples counselling. She said she didn’t mind going which is different from wanting to go. Now I am fairly certain that I will leave but am holding off because of the proximity of Christmas and because there are kids involved. I had considered leaving so many times over the years, with 2019 coming the closest; for whatever reasons, I stayed. Maybe the affair was a blessing in disguise.
@La Chatelaine I’m so sorry to hear this. I don’t know how you managed to have put up with it for so long. I thought I could put it behind me but every time we have been intimate after I found out, I just see the images of her with another man. I feel nothing anymore and haven’t been intimate with her for 2 mths. Since it is so close to Christmas, I don’t want to do anything just yet as that would be a complete shock to the kids, not that them finding out about out potential separation will be much less of a shock.
The worst part is that she pretends as if nothing is wrong and just goes about her day. She is being nice to me most of the time now, after I told her that I’m thinking of leaving. She wonders why I can’t just put it behind me and move on - because apparently it’s that easy. She asks me what’s wrong all the time - like wtf? I know that if I decide to stay that it’s only a matter of time before she starts insulting and degrading me in front of the kids. The kids have sometimes tried to take the blame on my behalf, which is not right and I tell them not to do that, that I will take the blame. She constantly would tell me that I do nothing and don’t know anything, that the bed is made crooked, criticizing my suppers, etc. So I just stopped doing everything and play the role she assumed for me. This way I save myself the grief of getting demeaned.
Yep. That's me exactly!!
People really need to learn to be happy alone. Now more than ever.
Exactly... I’m in the process of doing just that.
Maybe not alone but single maybe. Being alone is really unhealthy too
Being comfortable with being alone
I get panic and severe phobia being all alone. Feel like drowning sensation.
Codependent tendencies have made me alone. I'm sick of being alone. Although I'd rather be alone than with the wrong person.
With my ex-husband, if we received a bill on Friday. I would hide it until Monday because I didn’t want to ruin his weekend! Seriously! So happy on my own!
Oh wow. Yes. Yes. I know the feel. The exact hiding bill/ bad news thingy. ❤❤hugs hugs.
Breaking always from co-dependency is like learning a new language. I was trained from childhood to cater to my parents emotional needs and therefore did not have my own heard or seen. I am learning them now, and making sure my son can speak his emotional truth
This was me too. :(
Me too currently not my parents though.
Wow I just learned Im both an empath and codependent.
I hope you found these insights helpful.
Julia Kristina Counselling I always find all of your videos so helpful! So grateful that I stumbled upon you a while back! Thanks for doing what you do ❤️
@@jessieprescott1535 You're welcome - and thank YOU for your support.
Same here, and I am married to a bipolar partner. I am hooked to this account now. Healing is so overdue in my life.
me too, I cant believe I never realized that I've been abused my whole life and everyone minimized my struggles and made me feel like its all in my head. this is the problem with my codependent side. I allow others to control me instead of thinking for myself.
I am with a narcissist and discovering why I am staying. This codependency topic is describing me, as well as the empathy. It is time to focus my energy on fixing me instead of accommodating or fixing others. Thanks for the insight!!
You sound similar to me. Look up the Peter Pan complex and the Wendy complex.
Wendy is codependent and narcissists are usually Peter pans like my husband. Now I’m trying to figure out how to deal
I just left a narcissist today and this is my 4th or 5th time ,(or maybe a severe alcoholic or both) to be homeless and I feel like a bad person I do love him but I'm scared of him . I'm literally living in a motel with my daughter and her husband he lost his job and my daughter works herself to death and I'm on SSI and don't get much we have come to begging scrapping and everything else
For me, it was because of my alcoholic mom. Growing up wishing that this time she will get better. But it never happened, instead it got worse and worse. In the meantime, that little girl who loved her so much (at first grade, I was not getting my breakfast because I kept the breakfast money to save up for buying presents for her), grew up to be a hurt, disappointed, abounded, starving for love rebellious teenager. Rebellious meaning: never able to shut up if I saw injustice. No matter how much older or what kind of position that person had. My mother thought me not to respect authority just because it is the norm. A mother supposed to be respected because she does so much, gives love and taking care of you. But at home, I did all the work, I was the one taking care of my brother, the household etc... I at least learned that respect doesn't come with position but fulfilling that position, respect is owed by actions not title. So when I met someone, the more they suffered, the more I felt their pain. The more I wanted to "fix" them and give them "justice". I didn't want them to feel abounded and not loved, because I felt that growing up and it was awful, I literally felt their pain. Justice ment that they received what a human being supposed to enjoy: love. Not meeting my own needs wasn't a big red flag because I never really had that. I was always the one who is taking care... It took me decades to understand that I was not less than them and I am not getting the same as I am giving. I deserved (real) love, help, carrying and a reliable partner just as much as I was there for them. I was reliving that old cycle of hopeless wishing: she will change, she will stop drinking and she will remember how much I loved her and will be like before: a mother who has a child(ren, I had a brother). Are you maybe repeating some old pattern, something from your childhood and maybe wishing that now, it will turn out as you thought it will be fixed back then?
It’s been a year so how are y’all doing now?
I was both at one time because I was raised that way. My mom never says no and builds resentment. She's tired all of the time and feels guilty when she rests. In order to break the codependent part, I had to learn boundaries and I will say no in a heartbeat and when asked why won't I do something, my response has been "I just don't feel like doing it." My mom seems shocked when I'm able to establish and keep boundaries with people. It's very liberating and I was amazed at how many people was actually upset that I will no longer let them walk over me. It's very unfortunate but life is so much more peaceful now.
Lori Hamilton,
TY TY
Well said. I never knew that people could or would feel so slighted by me setting healthy boundaries with everyone & stop rescuing people to protect my own well being.
Happy New Year 2021🎉
#Self Worth
#Self Care
#Self Love
#Infinite Possibilities
#Angel 👼 Number# 7070
THANK YOU LADIES! I'm looking forward and getting closer and closer to this healthier mindset!!! ☺😊🥰😍😍
I absolutely love that response, “ i just don’t feel like it “!! Wow how simple
@@sojourneroftheland I agree with a lot of that.
Im the same my mum thinks it's selfish to not please others. She also holds guilt when I'm not bothered about having something and she can't deliver it she gets guilt then I feel her guilt and causes spiral because see my self in her as a mirror to with co dependency issues also
It's a mad spiral.
It stem from my father leaving her and us as kids.
Abandonment issues is what causes it
I've healed so much of the issues. I say no whenever I want now.
I think I'm more of an empath but I deal with people trying to manipulating me almost everyday. It's just better to be alone sometimes but I need some good friendships with healthy people.
I agree with you
Why is it so hard to find good friendships with healthy people. I find this very hard!
Yes! I totally agree with you! I am a little bit of a loner. I can't be around negative people. Its so draining. Only have healthy positive friends..😊
Trying to find healthy people I feel it’s impossible.. I need to learn how not to take on their emotions... someone walks in a room and I know their mood
Very true am also a empathy we suffer alit and get to be taken advantage but we are blessed cabs be cursed
I’m hearing impaired. I love what you are saying. I can hear you. You have amazing diction and allow, me, at least, to read your lips.
Thank you
I agree, you have an amazing diction. And a clear, sound, balanced and healthy way to address the theme. Thank you.
Turn on captions...
Re: Boundaries.. I started practicing by looking in the mirror, and saying, " I'd really like to help, but sorry I can't." ... because i noticed i would drop everything to go help others, but started feeling bad when it was never returned.
Still a work in progress at 60. I do have a good handle on acceptance now. 😊Empaths and anxiety go hand in hand too i believe.
Namastè
🙏🏻❤
Didn't even think about the anxiety part that comes with it. So true. I just started CBD and helps but I need to do the hard work.
You don't even have to say "sorry". Don't have to explain enything either. Just say "no".
Saying "no" to others = saying "yes" to yourself. 😊 Choose you.
People confuse love with control all the time.
Control is only good if it self control.
I'll tell a few ppl how controlling my mother was. Their response. *She really loved you.*
Yep. It’s hard to tell the difference when you’re in the middle of a codependent relationship.
How about being alone as being different from lonely. Sometimes I'm surrounded by people and feel lonely and vice versa. You made a great point just semantics for clarification
I am a recovering empath with codependent tendencies so you could imagine what most of my relationships have looked like. My mother was a drug addict and was killed when I was 8 yrs old and my father was never around until her death but was still distant. This was the beginning of the emotional rollercoaster my life had been since then and finally at age 33 I am just now seeming to breakthrough this blockage that has kept me from actually living. I use to feel it was my job to save everyone only to realize I lost myself in the process. I send out a big congratulations to everyone here because I guarantee this is the first step to not just living but actually being ALIVE! You are all appreciated if noone every told you and your definitely not alone in this journey. ⭐🙏❤️🌹🍀🌈🌟☀️🐝🌻🧚✨💪💪💪💪
I'm definitely Both but I never realized how codependent especially in realtionships or the people I really love!!! I'm always on a mission to fix and heal people and I end up hurting myself or getting hurt in the process most of the time especially if I feel unappreciated or rejected 🤦🏾♀️😥
Al Anon if CODA isn’t available. This has saved my life. Good luck.
This is me too . recipe for pain. Leave . Easier said than done for us. I am going to do though at 66! xxx
Me too🥺🥺
you are right when you say that the other person has to be ok for us to be ok. Just light bulb went on!!!!!!
I cried watching this; it explains pretty much everything.. time to start recognising and changing my exhausting patterns in relationships. Thank you.
Me too😪
Hang in there it gets better! Far better than I could have imagined a couple/few years ago.
"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now, when?" ~Hillel
I just came to the realization in the past few weeks that I definitely have codependent tendencies and I knew already I am an empath. So much to unwind 😞
This is the work Kay - and it's not a bad thing, just part of being human.
This randomly appeared on my youtube feed. I needed to see it thank you.
Boundaries are hard for me! Yes, because I'm worried about being abandoned or not needed. As a mom of 5 adult children it is really hard to now not want to fix everything for them and let them do it for themselves! Also I realize that being needed is still part of what makes me fell good about myself... linked to my self esteem --- Working SO hard on changing this!!! I feel I am a true Empath however I grew up in co-dependence and am trying to unlearn those behaviors. Starting to be ok with others feelings and being ok with my discomfort with it but just listening to them and empathizing and encouraging them that they can get thru it, instead of giving advice or trying to fix it unless they ask for my help or advice.
I have been co-dependent with my son. I understand to stay out of the way now and let his life take it's own path. I finally let go and holy crap, how liberating. Yes, it was a painful thing to watch initially; however, today the bonus is.. HE has grown so much. Everybody is so much happier today.
One great thing my Mom taught me and this really drives it home.. SELF-RESPECT.
❤️
Holy shit, thanks for this.. I thought I knew what codependence was and always said "I'm independent, I don't need anyone to help me through life, I pay my own bills, own my own house, etc." but I am 1000 % a codependent in all relationships. I need to unlearn this ASAP its a terrible cage to live in having other peoples emotions have control over us.
Boundaries are not only about saying no to requests. Boundaries are also about asking for things and getting your needs met in a relationship, and if the person can not meet those needs, they are violating a boundary.
To quote the famous Rush song, "One must put up barriers to keep oneself intact".
I am both empathic and codependent . I’ve realised I have no boundaries & have run myself close to suicide several times.... this video has been so enlightening for me! I am 53 now & have only just started to learn about myself because I have been racing around trying to save the world..... & A’s said here, it had never made a difference apart from stopping me from giving where I truly wanted to! Thanks
🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🌌
Wow 😢 this is two years later I sure hope you’re at peace you deserve that 🙏🏾❤️
@@nadineelseudy5835 it’s a work in progress, haha but I think, we’ll I’m sure, it is progressing!
Best of all, though, I still find it easy to love human beings which apparently , many find hard to do. You’re 2 years later comment has only strengthened that! Thank you.
@@rogereaton575 yay I’m so glad darlin!!
I was adopted at 2 by a blind woman who early in my life was border line abusive because of her own abuse. I had my first dream after her being dead for 13 years that i stood up to her and let out emotions ive held on to since i was 4. I was neglected as a baby with malnutrition in a 3rd world county. I am working through a lot.
hugs to you
❤
🙏🏻
Ana - I’m the adoptive mom of two daughters now in their twenties. They were born in a third world country & adopted as infants. I just want to say to you that you deserved, & deserve still, safe & unconditional love. You are so loved by God, who created you & who has a wonderful purpose for your life. I am sending a big hug.
@@debbiem6406 that was so beautiful
I’m new here, my name is Carolina and i hate that even when I know what’s best best for me, I still stay in shitty situations because I feel bad for the other person.
A narcissists HUGEST MEGA WEAPON is PITY! See either Richard Grannon or Ross Rosenburgh (sp?) on HOW WE are puppeteer'd by GUILT and SHAME.
When faced with this "feeling sorry for the other guy" dilemma, I NOW ask myself... FOR WHOM am I about to make my decision....
SEE YOUR motives above ALL and BE bloody well balls out HONEST with YOU.
Are you using guilt (disguised as ALWAYS - as "care" for another?) almost like cerebral grease to slide a quick move past your own gatekeeper?
Who WILL be SERVED by YOUR next ACT? (the one YOU are about to CHOSE?)
Hi Caro m..... try to do meditation in a very quite place for 30min everyday. Talk to your inner self and speak freely and say I respect my self. I love my self. I value my self. Continue keep repeating saying these prayer.
I learned codependency trying to keep everyone around me happy. I was the scapegoat at home and then married a Jykel and Hyde. I tried to leave and was told by my mom, how dumb I was, etc, etc. After 32 years, we are divorced and its hard.
I was accused of being a Jykel and Hyde. can you explain that more to me?
Im sorry for your loss 32 years sounds really hard. It was only a few months for me and its been incredibly hard.
@@Savage_Thinker He was sweet as sugar in one moment and was mean and cruel the next. It will get better, learn as much as you can about his behavior patterns. Dr. Romani on UA-cam has lots of really good information.
@Observe self hang in there, it really does get better. If you can go no contact, please do. You deserve someone who is good to you.
Going through this rn 4 kids in the picture 15 years together he tells me how I should feel, tells me that I don't understand my own behaviours,tells me that I can't do it alone is that like a subtle mental abuse ? I'm so fd up in my head I don't even know myself anymore
Children becoming codependent with a parent is a tough one. It's sort of the Parent's responsibility, up to a certain point or age. For me, it seemed fine, until I turned 16, and started to grow my own identity and independence. I think the complication for me...was this parent of mine being mentally ill, and on permanent disability too. Of course I felt like I should be doing everything I could to help...but it was kind of a trap. A trap that I was unknowingly contributing to. I finally stopped trying to save this parent. Sometimes saving is enabling too. Once I realized I was enabling them by saving them...that was a big eye opener for me. I do try to help them occasionally on my own schedule still, but often when I give an inch, they still try to take a mile 🙄
Thanks Julia 🙏🏼 I definitely got a lot from this one 😊
relatable
I’m doing this work mostly alone, but with my own sporadic therapy when needed. Currently, I’m pulling out of dysfunctional dysfunction with my adult child. I’m currently no contact with them due to cruel and hurtful behaviors that I cannot and will not take anymore. I am both an empath and a recovering codependent and have chosen myself for the first time in my life. I am 53. I’ve said no to a lot these past few years and it’s super difficult to deal with the guilt and tantrums of those who are used to your empathy, reflective nature and ability to take responsibility for whatever they lay at your feet.
I listen to videos like this to keep my wits and strength about me. Thank you so much! I’m new here. I’ve subscribed and will share this. Your video is timely, well put together, well-articulated, realistic and empowering. You have no idea just how much I needed this boost! I will get your list and sign up for your wait list. Thanks again!
As a codependent you don,t “see” yourself, you don,t have the right to...and self appreciation is conditioned. Good video description Julia and my own personal experience is that you need a hardwork for takeout codependence way of thinking, the reaction of family vampires when you change is complete rejection, well indicated in your video. Good work
Holy cow!! I used to do this! Being an Empath is tough and yet a blessing for me! It’s taken lots of practice but I’m no longer a doormat! I don’t try and fix others and allow them to grow and still be there but they put the effort and it’s their own reward! Win win! But wow! Has it taken much counseling and building my own skills! Wish I had you long ago though! It’s something I have to practice every single day! Thank you for explaining so well!! 👏🏻❤️😁👍🏻👌🏻
I'm not a fan of the term "co-dependent," but recognizing misplaced responsibility, unhealthy approval needs are important distinctions. Thank you.
Completely agree. I think it is just all misplacement, at least for me. Never considered myself to be codependent but I do know I over help and can take on certain peoples emotions. I know it’s corny but I did that languages of love test. I came up high in the service bucket. And I’m wondering if a lot of people who have codependent tendencies are that way too.
We start out by doing for others because that’s how we show love, but then it gets away from us and becomes something else that starts to hurt us. However, the pure intention is not a weakness, we need more people who can also take care of themselves but also think of others. There are plenty of people who don’t.
My boss was trying to convince me, at least it felt like it, that it’s a weakness. I came to realize it’s not, it’s more like a power 😊. I don’t think it’s fair to say it’s a weakness but i need to control and direct my ‘powers’ at appropriate times, making sure I take care using what I took from this video.
"The essence of balance is detachment. To embrace a cause, to grow fond or spiteful, is to lose one's balance, after which, no action can be trusted." - Thief: The Dark Project
I’ve thought about how codependency doesn’t feel like a form of selflessness (although you can lose yourself from practicing it) but almost more so, a strange form of selfishness . I have had strong codependent tendencies and behaviors in the past (and am trying to learn how to prevent them - and then actually prevent them - in the future) and I think it is, oddly, selfish. I have actually thought in the past when I was trying to fix everything for everyone that what I was doing and how I was responding wasn’t for them, it was for me. I realized and noticed I seemed to need things fixed and solved and prevented and wanted that far more than the people with - and responsible for - the problems to begin with, which in itself is a problem.
And then I resented those people for MY feeling I had to (or needed?) to fix the mess that they had or were responsible for, as I wasn’t going to be able to relax until the problem that they had or were causing, that they weren’t taking care of, was fixed (and since they weren’t doing it, or going to do it, or maybe capable of doing it at that time, or for whatever reason - basically since no one else was going to handle it, to me, that meant I had to do it instead). I mean I wasn’t completely separate from the problems - they were usually ones that had SOME ramifications / consequences for me as well, but to a lesser degree. It’s a weird thing to be aware of - it’s almost a little ocd in a way - like I feel I can’t relax until (or at least I prefer that) an area is cleaned up and tidy, then transferring that same need-for-tidyness-and-organization desire from THINGS to PEOPLE and their situations, feelings, predicaments, friction with others, etc. When ocd relates to things and one’s environment, it’s ocd, but when that behavior transfers to people, that might also be codependency I think. Like a social ocd. Hm. 🤔🤨😳
Totally resonates with me. Thank you.
I feel this.
Holy shit. Yes.
Sorry for thumbs down. Scrolling mishap! 😏 Have a happy day!
“We are there with them, we don’t try to fix it for them” I need to remember this line!
This is very hard to follow, at least for me . When I see how someone can get out of a terrible financial and emotionally draining situation, I can't help but do all I can to help. But despite my efforts, I find the person doesn't want to help themselves. I'm done. It's taken me 12 months to see this and that I'm not responsible to help people fix their problems.
Hi I'm Mel. You're spot on. Even though I have done sooooo much work getting to know myself, I see my daughters following in my icky past footsteps. When I see them suffering, I flashback into my own past. I know I can't fix or change their circumstances, so I keep exhaling, stay present, and know that it always works out when people learn on their own.
I admit, I have isolated and avoided so I can stay grounded. That's where I am at today. Thank you for the reminders. ❤
It’s so painful ❤❤❤
I stand with you in being a bystander until they request help (like great video content). I ache.
It is so freeing.. my uncle's wife was telling my child that his feelings are his feelings and he has the right to feel whatever he feels. I was in shock. I had never been told or heard anything like that before. I abide in that now. I'm unattached from the outcome and the person I'm communicating with is also completely free to be real with themselves. It's ok and it needs to happen to move forward. Whatever the outcome.
OMG! I am so thankful that your channel came into my world. I needed to hear this. I am both empathetic and codependent. I know my codependency stems from my childhood where I sacrificed my own well-being for the sake of "the family" and not rocking the boat.
During the pandemic my overseas boyfriend is coming unhinged. These are not ordinary times and he wants to talk all day and night, sometimes rants which makes me uncomfortable. I know I need to hang up but love him so much. I feel exhausted from him. His trip to me canceled this year we don't know what's ahead. I'm 71 and been alone for decades. I know how to do that and like it. This man is part of me now and it frightens me what I'd do for him. Most of the time he's lovely.
Thank you. 💐
Thank you so much. I was codependent with my soulmate. I learned that if someone wants to destroy themselves, there is nothing I can do about it. Your comment about helping someone, but not feeling responsible is helpful. Walk away. It’s the best gift I can give. One person got up and is making changes. The other, maybe he will die. My best friend. It sucks that I can’t save him. Thank you so very much.
This helped me. I recently started dating someone. At first, things were great then slowly he became more negative and whiny. He was under a lot a stress. I offered to help but he declined. It didn’t take me long to tell him we needed to put the relationship on the back burner so he could focus on the stress. I regret it had to end that way. I presented positive results from his turmoil and offered support but I could not take getting bogged down because of his situation but I put up firm boundaries. Then I said goodbye. It was hard because we were getting so close. I will help but I can’t fix.
A codependent empthiser married to a seriously needy and manipulative narcissist! What to do?
Thank you, that was very helpful. Growing up I was always compared with my brother by my mom. I was the “ selfish” one, to this day I don’t know why. Mom would volunteer me to do favors for extended family members or friends, some people I did not even know, without asking me first. Most of the time I did it and when I said No she was not happy with me and made me feel guilty.So I grew up and became an adult always concerned about everyone’s happiness and give myself to help people and fix situations. I am over 50 now, separated and having the time to reflect and really figure out who I really am. And I have started to say No and make my well being the number one priority. I still find myself doing the “ codependent “ thing once in a while but not to the extent I used to. This video was extremely helpful. Was reassuring me of something I already intuitively new was going on but I could not define it
Absolutely! Good job!!!
My mum did this and I remember snapping one day and saying stop volunteering me !! Co dependent empath here 😂 learned that one ☝🏻
Crushed is the perfect word I’m both empath / co-dependent
8 minutes in and you explained this better than I’ve ever heard. Completely opened my eyes on why I never feel good unless my mom is ok. I try so hard to help but can push her away. It’s like she feels attacked but in my mind I’m trying to fix her. And by doing that I will ‘fix’ me and the family. Especially since my dad passed two years ago and my mom is my world but isn’t the best listener, because she too has been through a lot. I have a killer intuition and am quite sensitive and would probably say I’m also an ‘empath’
I’m an Aquarius. Probably explains some of it. I really do want everyone to be well, content and happy. I’ve been around a lot of negativity with my brother. It’s a handful. I’m a handful
Hi Julia, my big takeaway from this is, and I think I am understanding this more from our shift society and is that even therapists can't fix people. That must be a big misconception that people have, huh? The good news is - yes, I do need the tools and the guidelines, but I am capable of fixing myself! I am already rewiring my brain because of our group. Being more mindful. Such great stuff. Thanks for the 25 healthy ways to say no. =) I am looking forward to our teaching today! See you at noon!
I love hearing your thoughts and seeing how invested you are in yourself Chris. It's truly inspiring.
@@juliakristinamah Thank you so much. It truly making a difference!
I think there’s a VERY thin line between these two conditions. Co-dependents are by nature, very empathic and feel things very deeply. Hard to differentiate the difference and how to separate your emotions enough to maintain your own personal boundaries. It’s a precarious balance to find.
I'm not sure I totally agree - first, that either are conditions. I think codependency is a learned way of relating to others, and being empathic is part of the traits of being a more highly sensitive person.
I've also met and worked with many people who relate to others in codependent way who don't tend to exude a higher degree of empathy.
Regardless, self-differentiation, learning to listen to oneself and having healthy boundaries for ALL people I think is essential.
@@juliakristinamah
I really liked that last sentence you wrote here as I felt it really hit it on the nail and got past all the filler of esoteric mysticism when people try to mix their own personal and quite frankly subjective beliefs with clinical practice.
Context. I used to despise pop psychology because of the fact that it was so accessible. Anybody with an opinion and a smart phone can access entry level knowledge and then, they think it's a good idea to go and "help" other people when they have barely touched the surface of what it takes to be a bonafide professional.
I'm really glad I found this video. I'll be sure to check out your channel for more nuggets
Wow Kristina you finally turned on the light that was so dim for so many years on why I was always reeled in to family and peoples problems, devalued then decarded. Because when I didnt agree with their bad behavior, and this was most of the time being in a family of Narcissistic abuse and substance abuse. They would kick me out of the nest, or project themselves on to me.
Needless to say I'm a better much happier person away from them. My life naturally flows. I'm able to see and know my wants and needs. I don't do well with crazy making. And one thing I seriously need to point out is people can really affect your health. By me walking away and taking care of myself I was able to reverse a lot of multiple health issues. It can be done.
I really appreciated this video right now because I have been helping a friend who has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. I've been helping her by watering a big collection of plants she has while she's in the hospital. I'm really not suited to be doing this because I have a bad back. not only does she not appreciate that I've been helping her this way, she complains that I'm not doing it right. I told her today I cannot continue doing it. I stood up for myself, I set up boundary, and she acted like I was letting her down, as everyone lets her down. Listening to your video here has really encouraged me that yes this is hard, but I must do this. I must set a boundary and I must protect myself and not let somebody else's demands on my time as well as emotional health be predominant. I have learned a lot from your videos and I'm very grateful. Thank you ever so much!
WOW: I Just Learned About
Being An Empath And Not Being Co-Dependent Upon
A Passive/Aggressive
Persons Demands.
I never knew how much I needed to hear this until I did.
It was hard to identify but its amazing to see how I can give my progress a name.
A lot of codependents think they are empaths but codependents can be Narcissists too. It's great that you draw this distinction.
I’m definitely an empath. Due to poverty, I returned to my ex husband’s house to live, and I had divorced him mainly due to his emotional abuse that didn’t start until decades after getting involved.
His mood swings have kept me on edge. We had a disagreement about something last weekend, and sorta distanced from each other. I was made to feel like I just didn’t matter, so to dissociate, I ate 1/2 of a pot gummy every night since. It took the focus off of the negativity and instability, but I don’t truly want to be a frequent pothead.
Just this morning, he woke up as Dr. Jekyll instead of Mr. Hyde, so I don’t feel the pathetic craving to eat the adult candy.
So now that he’s okay (for however long), I’m able to relax a bit more without the substance, sparing myself the self-disgust of getting hooked on pot edibles.
Thanks. Started taking control of my life. Understanding what I need and never compromising. It is what it is. People can deal with or leave.
When I was depressed a well meaning friend who is co dependent was constantly trying to help me. It was about her. She was so overbearing and would often leave me in tears. It can come across as a form of bullying. I didnt need that help..I never asked for it. I started to think it was all about her. She pushed me to the brink. What a mess. My friend who I would say was an empath was my saviour.
i was both an empath and codependent, now at 35, after many years of trying to be understanding my problems, i shifted, or more of an awakening happened, now i am interdependent and an awakened empath, and I refuse to be controlled or manipulated by Narcissists. I also became an enabler at some point in my life. so many years wasted, but I learn a lot about myself now. thanks for this explanation, it made it more clearer for me.
Sitting here in tears for many reasons
I'm 45, single and a mama of 3 amazing boys.
And I just now am realizing why I am the way I am.
I just left a 10 year friendship. I just stopped talking. Why? Because she is so angry and hurt and miserable in her life and I've tried for years to fix it....but I have my own difficulties too.
The last straw was 2 weeks ago when she was venting about someone being a jerk and I talked about how I understood but how she HAS to stop allowing them to treat her like that.
She later told me that I should have been nicer when I said that to her and that a "real friend" would have been day more understanding and would have been more careful with how they word things. She told me I should have been a soft place to land. In my mind, I was doing what best friends do. I was trying to be understanding and supportive but also offer her actual good advice which was for her to stop investing in someone who was treating her like dirt. She did not like that answer. Then she began to ask me what was wrong with me and why I was so angry? She started to ask "how can I help you?" That did it for me. I walked away. No I question whether or not I did the right thing, but the way she turned that situation on to me instead of the person she was actually angry at, was more than I could take. Thank you for making me feel like I'm not wrong for finally understanding she is not my responsibility to fix.
Such powerful, life changing information! 👍🏻☀️
Really glad you found this helpful Dee and really glad you're here.
@ Julia Kristina Counselling Yes, I am so glad to be here also! 😊
I become codependent of my partner but I'm glad I made the effort of staying empathic with my friends :)
This subject matter should be taught in our schools. It would help the students to become aware and healthy adults. Thank you very much for these excellent videos.
What i learned from this session was learning what : "differentiate yourself" means... To change your usual reaponse, don't do things (send a like) for others...do it because YOU want to. It was good to hear you say, "this wont be easy"; it was good to hear you say, "some will notice and adjust" 😊
I have been in Al-Anon since I was in my 20s, now in my 50s I realized and now work as an Empath and a therapist. I am also an HSP. So, basically, I can validate everything you're saying here and just want to support you and your channel! Thank you!
I swear you e read my mind thoughts and feelings on my fresh out of 11 year hyper narcissistic relationship..... Awesome 👏
I felt other people’s pain as a child as if it were my own. I felt that life was so emotionally painful I could barely stand it. I realized I couldn’t get through this life with my heart on my sleeve so I had to toughen up but then it’s hard to be emotional appropriately when you are half in your feelings. I am both, Empath and Codependent. I have struggled with codependency, I have married a narcissist (and divorced) I constantly take care of people and stress and try to make things okay for people. I attract broken people. I’m 54 and now it feels like I don’t live my life. These videos make me feel squirmy sometimes but I know that means it is right and something I need to work on. Thank you for the truth.
wow its like if you describe me im 51 and also married a narcissist and seperated im still in the struggle we should become friends
When I stopped people pleasing and learned to be alone (these 5+ years) all the narcs, toxics, and vampires disappeared from my life.
Yes, I do get lonely sometimes, but I own it as purely MY issue. I'm not abused, used, misguided, disappointed, nor exhausted by constantly helping others fix their lives.
Wow, I have always know I'm an empath. Although realised how much so I am. I find it extremely hard. This has been explained so well, thank you
Lara that's my name and Brown was my very first 💘
Im new, and I like your channel so much. I am struggling with depression and anxiety, and I stumbled upon your channel, I love it so much. Learned so many things so far! 😊🙏
So good to have you here Rea. Welcome!
I spent years thinking Codependent was a dirty word, then I realized I am. It's only helpful for me to recognize this because it's the only way I can make the needed changes
I get so overwhelmed when a person gets all co dependant on me, and I can feel the energy off of them as they start getting in a tizzy of how to "fix" me if I vent to them. What I wanted was to be heard, perhaps validated. Then I feel worse than before. Being an independent person, my hackles get raised when someone tries to physically or emotionally "get in there and do it for me". I tend to pull back and just keep things superficial with them because they stress me out.
This was literally me through a situation with someone for the whole of last year... felt like how I felt like this so deeply inside was not truly understandable by anyone else other than me... thank you so much for this video, it makes me feel like there are other people out there like how I get xx
This is beautiful. As a recovering co-dependent, I commend you. Thank you.
i used to be both for an extremely long time. I come from a family of narcs & abusive ppl. Now, through years of therapy, bipolar medication, & wanting to get better FOR ME, FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE... :-D, I'm working on me....It's so freeing to be there but not knee deep in it w/ the ones I love. I no longer need to explain myself, & do things when THEY say. I run me. I live here, 24/7, 365...! THEY DON''T!!
This is a great topic. I’ve often wondered if I am co-dependent. I married a Narcissist and she crushed me. 7+ years after our separation I’m still struggling with depression, and a lack of motivation to do all of the things that will help me move forward with my life.
I know that I am empath, or at least I’m pretty sure I am. 🤔 What I realized about myself is that I am more likely to go out of my way to help someone else in need, than I am for myself. I may be that I’m just avoiding doing the work that I should be doing to help myself heal? Or co-dependence? It is C-D, it’s not extreme and I can’t move on. I learned a long time ago as a teacher, “You can bring a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink.”
I think one of the reasons that I do often go out of my way to help others, often complete strangers, is because I feel good doing it. I avoid bringing what I do to the attention of others, that’s not why I do what I do. Although, I might be seeking validation that I’m a good and worthy person. Something that my Narc wife tried to beat out of me. Not literally, she used the typical weapons of destruction a Narc often uses.
If you’re still reading. Here is my dilemma. I have a tool box full of tools to deal with my depression, but I lack the motivation to use them. Most days that tool box remains closed.
What ta do? What ya do? Thank you 🙏🏻
Wow!!!! You are so God sent. So in-depth.🥺👍🐞💞 """" SHARED """"
I left a narcist and I am a codependent. After all struggeling with my mental and emotional wellbeing.
I’m in the process of divorcing my narcissist (finally) now. Didn’t know anything about narcissism when I married him, but now realize how he has exploited my empathic nature and codependency. Haven’t felt ‘good’ in years - I realize I am the only one who can make me happy and that he never could or ever will.
@@15gilsonrd He was diagnosed psichopatic narcist but sent me a messege by mistake and thats how I got the information about manipulation and all the other things "they"do.Otherwise I would had have gone mad.If you have decided to leave just go as fast as you can.And be aware he won't let you just like that!!!
@@evamiljanic5571 Thanks for the advice. My kids won’t talk to him again if he doesn’t cooperate. They are done too! I think I will find out soon how bad he really is.
@@15gilsonrd I wish you strenght to leave.Just don't belive him whatever he says.Focus on yourself and your kids.
@@evamiljanic5571 Thank you so much. It’s been a very long time coming. I’m beyond ready to leave and will definitely put myself first, for once.
I'm co-empathic. (J/K). I'm learning to say no and setting boundaries. It's most difficult when in a relationship where you've allowed your unstated boundaries to be violated, then try to establish them. BUT, I'm doing it!
I can not express how revelation kind of thing this was. I saw all the three videos on what codependency is, what are the signs and this. And I realised I am codependent without even knowing I am till now. It was so shocking to me. So crazy shocking because I always took pride in helping people. In my way, I was saving myself through them because I went through mental health issues and had no one to understand or help me understand it.
But I noticed how recently I have accepted the idea that everyone has to go through their own journeys and I can suggest and advice them but that's all I can do. However, in close friendships or people I invested feelings on need to understand I am doing something for them. And I thought it's so crazy and selfish but always told myself it's okay because what is the problem in asking recognition for what you are doing. And that was wrong.
I don't usually feel like I am not enough if I a person i am helping falls, but I do feel that I NEED to help them as much as I can. I have been having health issues because in the middle of the night someone needs me and then my sleep goes wrong and they decide to say they have to sleep inbetween the conversation. It always hurt me but I understand. I need to set boundaries too.
And I think now that I recognise this is an issue, shit! I am going to solve this. I think I am already half sorted right now.
You are so helping me find me. I could cry Happy tears. OMG!!!, Thank You, with all of my 💞.😇
I’m going through my own realizations of being both and in process of healing my self from . Thank you for sharing in a way that is easy to understand.
We are seeing how important it is to really heal ourselves and put our needs as a priority too, because it affects our children and it will affect others & our entire lives. We are products of our environment, but we are able to change and should take responsibility to look at ourselves and make changes. We are not perfect. We are meant to do a lot of shadow work; learning and unlearning, it’s a part of our growth and lessons we desired to learn.
Wow! At 64, I just realized I'm codependent on my wife. In my first marriage I was totally selfish and immature; I vowed to never be that way again if I ever remarried. Now in my second marriage of 25 years, I realize I have become the polar opposite of what I was in first marriage to the point of not knowing myself. I am so far down the rabbit hole that I actually hope I pass away before my wife because I can't imagine a life without her being the center of my world.
"functional dysfunction".......hmmm, that explains a lot
I'm definetly both. You untangled the vines that I need to do the work to achieve. Thank you for your videos, they have helped me in so many situations
I think its worth saying that for many of us codependency is developed from a dysfunctional family dynamic that can often times include addiction, abandonment & a very abusive environment. Because of this, codependency can be tied to C-PTSD so it can feel traumatic to NOT be codependent bc it was the only way to stay safe. "If I don't make this person feel better they will beat me, abandon me, abuse me." For those of us going through this particular cause of codependency we have to address that trauma. I'd advise doing it with a professional or trauma specialist bc it may not be safe for you to do it alone. (Speaking from experience)
Also, love how you say and explain "system "
FINALLY, someone who is qualified, caring, and capable of helping those of us that really need this help and guidance. THANK YOU!! Your videos are amazing, and you are SUCH a pivotal variable in my journey to the "other side". :)
Hi Julia. Thanks so much for the fantastic content. I really struggle with needing everyone to 'be ok', before I can feel ok. This helps heaps 😀
Boosting your ability to say no clearly, but kindly...it's a game changer.
im so happy i found your channel this really helps me with a lot of things in my life
This has spoken to me on so many levels. Thanks so much.
Always Stephen - and always glad to have you here.
Great session! I this going to be hard. Boundaries are the most difficult one for me. Thank you!
Beard goals!
I was always very empathetic and was trained to be codependant. .. ridding myself of the latter is my goal and the former is my true self. That side of me cannot cope with the guilt and pressure from those who will take advantage. I like the empathetic side of myself and wi strength it's a positive trait that wants to make positive anger in the world. The codependant side holds me back. That's a learnt trait and I don't want it! Cutting it out is difficult as the empathetic side feels extreme guilt and fear...... very useful video thank you it also shows me that I am moving forwards 😊😊
I am just breaking up with my ex girlfriend and my friends has always told me that I was in an manipulative relationship. I used to ignore them and still blinded by my need to take care of her. Now that my relationship is ended, that I realize that I am both an empath and a codependent person. I felt the need to make her feel okay, and even to the extent that I will do her responsibilities. Now, she has found somebody else and I has found myself. I feel more empowered than ever and I am thankful that my toxic relationship has ended.