How To Reparent Yourself As The Family Scapegoat
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- Опубліковано 14 лип 2024
- In this video I explain how to use reparent yourself if you have been the family scapegoat or subject to childhood abuse or neglect. Reparenting is a procedure form the school of psychotherapy called transactional analysis or TA. In the reparenting process you are restructuring your Parent ego state. This is the part of your personality that thinks, feels and behaves in ways copied from your parents or parent figures.The process of self-reparenting also involves becoming aware of the needs and wants of your Child ego state, this is your inner child. This is the part of the self that thinks feels and behaves as you did when you were a child. During the self- reparenting journey you will also need to tune into your Adult ego state. When you are in you are logical, rational and concerned with facts and data.
🔵 CHAPTERS
0:00 Introducing John
2:01 Introducing reparenting theory
3:48 Step one of reparenting
5:11 Step two of reparenting
6:24 Step three of reparenting
🔵 THE THREE STEPS TO REPARENTING
(1) The first step is to get a piece of paper and draw a circle to represent your Parent ego state. Subdivide the circle with a vertical line and jot down the messages you received from each parent or parent figure.
(2) It’s impossible to reparent yourself if you don’t know what your Child ego state needs and its impossible to identify what type of parenting your Child needs if you don’t know what good parenting looks like. This stage of the self reparenting process involves observing how real parents, parent their children. You might identify a good parent in a book, TV series or a film. Perhaps you have a friend who you believe is a good parent. Once you have identified a good parent notice how they speak to their child and how they behave. On a piece of paper write down your observations of what makes a good parent.
(3) Practice the qualities on your good parent list. This is actually the hardest part of self-reparenting because you were never taught these skills.
🔵 WORK WITH LEWIS PSYCHOLOGY
If you'd like to work with Teresa, or a member of the Lewis Psychology team, please click on the links below:
☐ Lewis Psychology CIC (for face to face therapy): www.lewispsy.org.uk
☐ Lewis Psychology Online (for online therapy): lewispsyonline.co.uk
🔵 ABOUT TERESA LEWIS
Teresa Lewis is the founder and Director of Lewis Psychology and a Senior Accredited psychotherapist with the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (MBACP Snr. Accred). Qualified in 1995, Teresa has been providing counselling and psychotherapy treatment for nearly 30 years. Teresa holds a masters degree in counselling and psychotherapy and is a qualified EMDR Practitioner having completed training accredited with EMDR Europe. Teresa is also a qualified adult educator and an accredited Mindfulness teacher As a recognised expert in her field Teresa is frequently asked to conduct editorial reviews and endorse counselling and psychotherapy books for international publishing houses.
☐ Email: teresa.lewispsy@gmail.com
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🔵 GRAPHICS AND THUMBNAIL
Thumbnail and B-Roll graphics designed by Teresa Lewis. B-Roll video is used in strict compliance with the appropriate permissions and licenses required from Pexels.com and Canva.com in accordance with the UA-cam Partner Program, Community guidelines and UA-cam terms of service.
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You said to leave a comment below so...here we go.
Woooooooow Lewis, how are you going to call me out personally like that! Lol, this is hitting close to home! "There's something wrong with you" "Lazy" [flinch] "John had no power withing the family system" [oof I feel you buddy. I used to have this nightmare when I was a kid where a tornado was coming to wipe my folks out. I screamed and pushed and pulled but they couldn't hear me. Too focused on buying a car. We died every time, I'd wake up crying.....the number of hours I've spent in the back of a car, being dragged along to stuff they wanted to do...every freaking day....] "he was not believed, and whenever he spoke out he was discredited" [I shouldn't trauma dump too much more, but yeah, my word counted for less than nothing. Didn't matter what I said]. "You may fantasize that you can win your parent's approval [ouch], but the truth is you will be stuck waiting for your parents to change, which will never happen" [Dude! lost my entire teens to this! Probably up until 21 actually]
"I'm not good enough...John internalized the negative messages from his parents and now when he's acting like an adult, he tells himself these things" HOOOOOOLLLY SHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIII......
"...full of internal messages that you internalized, both good, and bad" [so that's where those thoughts come from...fascinating] "part of re-parenting is becoming aware of the needs and wants of your child ego-state" [uh.....I've noticed this in my romantic attractions and relationships. I wish someone would have just told me that earlier, tho, could have saved a lot of time...and a lot of girls' tears :/]
"find examples of 'good' parents out in the wild so that you can learn how to be a good parent to yourself" Funnily enough I started doing something like this recently. I managed to start making some decent friends and now I just watch them interact with one another and with their families. I made friends with an old woman, we go for walks and support each other. It's like the grandma I never had. It's changing my view of the world and what life can be. I felt sort of weird doing it, like, I'm a snake in the walls, parasitizing other people's healthy families...but hey, I guess I shouldn't feel so bad!
So I'm in a high pressure engineering school and a lot of the kids I know are suffering through some of this stuff. I'm going to spread this video around.
Thanks so much for making this! It's crazy how just a few sentences with the right knowledge in them can change someone's life. If you had been around when I was younger, if I had heard these sentences, man....my life would be different, for sure. For now, well, I already kinda stumbled on this myself, but now I have the confidence to stand behind my actions. :)
Stuff like this has an effect, keep it up dude :)
Thank you for sharing this. It sounds like the case study really resonated with you. You have clearly been doing a lot of work on yourself so thank you for sharing your insights. Best wishes, Teresa.
Amen to that my friend…
One of my stepfathers favorite catchphrases besides laughing while telling me to my face how my
Little sister is the “good one”…(it didn’t work…I never resented her and in adulthood she’s my closest family member and I’d die for her but I digress)-
His Favorite go to was “Nicole! You are a CHILD and have NO say or OPINION on this matter!”
Ten yrs later when he began treating my mother like he treated me? All of a sudden I went from “not understanding” him to being a “victim” like her…
After their divorce when I was 18 (now 42) and they get along again I’m told how much I misremember and he loves me and and “don’t understand” him…all while glossing over…everything.
Ever accidentally open an IPad after having no choice but to come home with a small special needs child in tow, only to see a glimpse of an IMessage totally MF’ing you to your abuser and literally playing mean girls?
“At least we raise ONE right LOL”?
That was fun…
ESP while figuring out that you’re being portrayed as someone who you aren’t and certain things are conveniently left out while others are piled on?
It’s awesome. ESP when you’re the “problem” child who’s always “failing” (ironically because they’re actually TRYING but whatever) and nobody else in the extremely cluster B family will be believe you anyways…even if they did they’d never say a word in fear of being lumped in with YOU…
Good times.
This was like, 7-8yrs ago and while I know the game better than they do as a constant observer growing up and surviving in it-im ashamed to admit THAT one broke me.
When I say “broke” me, I mean it. Im Still not the same…but then when I say that I become afraid because I don’t know if I’m allowing myself to develop a victim mentality.
Self reflection is wicked fun.
ESP when you’re trying to raise another human to Not be you…
I paid a very high price for not internalizing those messages my parents kept giving me as the black sheep they decided I was. I knew they were wrong from a very young age about three are my first memories of sticking up for myself. I learned to only stick up for myself in my mind until I left home in my early teens. Why didn't I believe or internalize their messages that I was a willfully bad seed? I don't know but feeling modestly good about myself has certainly led to a lot of exclusion from others who either think too much of themselves or too little.😢
My father the main alcoholic malignant narcissist drummed into me that I was “a nothing”…. “You need to know you’re a nothing!” What projection hey.. I was a straight A student, sports champion, pianist as a child and watched my codependent mother choose to stay loyal to my sick veteran father bc of the payout she would receive if she stayed. My brother and I are so messed up. He loves cognitive dissonance but i am breaking the cycle to reparent myself - year 4 no contact ❤🧘✨
Stay away, they only get worse with age. Hugs.
Wow…
The algorithm did me a favor today..
This has really helped me. I didn't realise that I was already practising this. This has helped me understand further how to help myself even further, therefore improve further what I am doing. Thank you.
I'm pleased to hear it will help you develop what you are already doing. Best wishes, Teresa.
This is very useful information. I have a therapy appointment this week and will discuss this. Thank you!
I'm pleased to hear this video is useful. Wishing you all the best with your therapy. Best wishes, Teresa.
Wonderful video, super informative and clearly explained. I love it! Thank you so much.
That’s great to hear, thanks Andrea. Best wishes, Teresa.
Not only was I the scapegoat of my original family, I was also the scapegoat in my marriage and divorce. Therefore, I suffer, as the alienated parent.
This is very effective. I learned to do this years ago trying my best to change patterns I knew earlier I didn’t want to copy from my family. Its been 25 yrs of trial and error. Wish I had this information sooner but glad others do now.
It certainly is very powerful. Thanks for sharing your insights. Best wishes, Teresa.
You just opened my eyes to something incredible. The LOVING MENtors I had that took the place of my parents at 15 are the ones I should be "parenting myself" by, I actually HAD "3rd
new parents"in the form of a family I worked closely with...... Oh, WOW!!!! That's HUGE , I have always wondered why I can actually hear my mentors voices telling me what's right....WOW. Their ENDLESS love simply drowns out the
weaknesses spoon fed to me since day one. I've been so depressed focusing on the wrong parents ego stamp.
Thanks a lot for a nice presentation. You are a super psychotherapist. I pray for your long and prosperous life. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Thank you so much for your kind works, so kind of you ❤️ Best wishes, Teresa.
This is so valuable.
I‘m so happy I found your channel!
That’s great to hear. Best wishes, Teresa.
Just stumbled across this channel when searching on Life Scripts. Your presentation and content is so clear.. The examples and bite sized nature of the videos really work well. Thank you 🙏
That’s great to hear, thank you. Best wishes, Teresa.
Winner. Thank you 👍
Thank you 👍🏻
Wonderful discovery thankyou I know so many people who should watch these videos I’m sure they would gain from them thankyou ❤️😊
Thank you so much. Best wishes, Teresa.
I think this will be a mammoth task for me. Very clear information. Thank you.
You're amazing thank you.
Thank you for your support. Best wishes, Teresa.
I have binged on your videos for ages, thank you so much for doing them, they really help my learning style. Think you ace
That really is great to hear. Thanks for your support. Best wishes, Teresa.
I love the format of your videos; very informative and engaging🙏
Thank you for your support. Best wishes, Teresa.
Thank you ❤
You're welcome 😊 Best wishes, Teresa.
Thank you for your excellent clear teaching.
Thanks for your support. Best wishes, Teresa.
Awesome, thank you :)
You're welcome! Best wishes, Teresa.
I am John except I had a perfect sister
❤
For some reason I’m always the one that is to blame for all the problems we had.
I’m sorry to hear that. Best wishes, Teresa.
❤❤
It makes sense in theory, but I am stuck implementing any positive parental skills, because I cannot bring myself to even believe I deserve to. If I’m so fundamentally flawed and powerless, then how dare I set boundaries, validate my emotions, encourage mistakes as part of the learning process, etc.? They sound like great practices, yes, but it feels like I am too worthless to be allowed to, and simply verbally telling myself otherwise doesn’t do a thing.
It sounds like working with a psychological therapist would be helpful. Best wishes, Teresa.
I deal with the same thing …
But I’m still moving forward little by little
The whole family
My sister got stuck in trauma being harshly abused. I ran away but I don't know how to help her
She doesn't own a phone, she doesn't leave a room in years. That's horrible. She got stuck in that abusive destroying environment
I’m really sorry to hear that. Sending you and your sister my warmest wishes, Teresa.
Go save your sister
Can you be too old for it all to matter anymore? I'm 72, my children are grown and yet I still feel like it all was yesterday. I question whether I raised my own children right - There's not a day that goes by, that I don't question if I was a good parent, if I am good enough for my children, if I deserve visits from them, if I deserve to be liked or cared about by anyone. Maybe like my parents always told me, I'm just a bad person and I don't deserve any attention from anyone. Maybe it would be more convenient for my kids, if I just quietly went away somewhere and made no demands on them. I don't want to be a burden.