I am 64 years old and just learning about how hurt and invalidated I felt during my childhood. My mother always told me I cried too much. My parents never asked how I was feeling and feelings were really something that was taboo in my family. I was emotionally neglected and learning this now helps me be a better person today.
Cjoyart, I just found out my mother pushed me away since I was a baby and my father always saved me from her cruelty towards me. My Dad died when I was 5 years old, he and I were very close and now I know why. Am now 71, my brother died recently and I connected with my Aunt, she told me things I never knew. The tears are flowing hard and I feel like a fool for caring for her so tenderly. Her favorite daughters hated her at the end of her life, but she wanted to live with them rather than me. I cared and rescued her from their cruelty repeatedly; she was safe and comfortable when she died in my home. Wow it hurts.
These type of parents shouldn’t have children at all. It’s a tough life for us children who were not wanted and treated so badly I’m glad for one thing im strong for it. Now. 💕👍❤️I’m mighty.
I am 61, and I so wish all this information we can now find on the Internet, so easily was available for me 40 years ago. It is very hard to realize what you did NOT get. I remember when my two kids were a baby and toddler and thinking about what I would be willing to do for them. Then a thought popped into my mind - gosh, I don’t think my parents would have done that for me. So I realized a whole lot once I became a mother, but now that I’m retired and really focusing on myself, I am learning so much more. I didn’t realize that I didn’t feel “real” to myself. It’s hard for me to even connect with joyful events. I distracted myself with work and projects for years because I had searched for Answers and there were none. At least I got a lot done!
Same, always fokus on how much I cryed and I was a difficult Child (noone wants to play with you, you Will never get married etc) so, my selfesteem was and is not on its best. I am married but I dont have friends. Wish I knew this before I got kids cause Im afraid I passed it on to the. 10:20
I grew up in the 70s, and I feel like this was just how parents were at that time. I'm sure there are some exceptions, but for the most part, people didn't talk about emotions. They didn't acknowledge trauma, and the prevailing "wisdom" was to "get over it".
Agreed. Also grew up in the 70s & early 80s. Never heard my friends’ families talk like this. None of my family ever spoke this way. I don’t think they were spoken to like this as kids, so we weren’t spoken to this way. The adults were very separate from us. Very apart. They just didn’t talk to us in depth, just superficially.
I was selectively neglected by my family but I also grew up in the seventies in the idea of seeing an entire generation grew up that way is absurd. My siblings got all that. The nurturing the attention etc. Seemed to me that every other kid in school paranormal background and we're pretty happy. That's a ridiculous generalization.
@matt3024 So you didn't read the part where I said "I'm sure there are some exceptions" and "for the most part" and "prevailing"? Or did you just decide to ignore those qualifiers so you could be contrary?
"how parents were"…although I don’t recall my friends’ parents explicitly asking of their feelings I did see physical gestures of love and care for well being that was often extended to myself. This is how I realised things were odd at home.
My great-grandmother sat on the cottage doorstep, as a young child, waiting for her mother. Her older four siblings had gone to a funeral and she had stayed home with her younger sister who was too young to go. No-one had thought to tell them that their mother wouldn't be coming back. Days later, she realised that it had been her mother's funeral.
I am 66 years old and based on what you describe in this video, I was severely emotionally neglected. I was never allowed to have my own opinions or likes and dislikes. My parents never cared what I thought about anything and they would ridicule me at every turn if I wasn’t just a carbon copy of them. I hated them from a very young age and wished I were an orphan. I’m not sure why my parents had children. They were verbally and emotionally abusive and my mother who is still alive and now 100, is still messing with me. She is a selfish narcissist and continues to play her head games with me in a passive aggressive way. Fortunately, at this point her mind is going and so it’s gotten a little better. But my brother who is her caregiver has taken her place. Every day I wish these people were out of my life for good. The only reason I have anything do with them at all is for my father’s family inheritance. If it weren’t for that I would have kicked them all to the curb 40 years ago.
I think I learned at a young age that any display of feelings was "inconvenient" to my parents. For example - when a death in the close family happened - expressing any emotion about the loss was not allowed as I was "to young to understand", "I couldn't know what love is" or I was "putting on a show" of sadness for attention. The expectation was that I should be quiet, keep out the way and be emotionless Its been quite challenging as an adult to feel worth of showing love, care and connection
I grew up in a very emotionally neglectful family. My father was a truck driver and wasn't home much and my mother was not a warm or caring person. She was very physically abusive to my 2 brothers and very verbally abusive to them and to me, as I was the oldest girl (I'm in my 70s and have an older brother). Her favorite communication with all but one of her children were to tell us we were "dumb, just like your idiot father", "you're never going to amount to anything", just to name a few of her favorite phrases. I was caring for my infant siblings when I was only 8 because I was told I had to help care for them (my thought was that I am a child and I don't know how, but I had to learn). I was made to hang laundry on the clothesline in winter and take them down and was told I would get beaten if I let the sheets touch the ground (I was all of 6 years old and had to stand on a chair in order to reach the clothesline). Some of the abuse stopped when my father came home unexpectedly from a trip and found me struggling to take down the clothes. Many years ago I came to realize that my mother had some very serious mental problems that came to the surface when I was about 19 and was left in charge of my 3 siblings who were still at home. She argued constantly with my father and whenever I begged her to quit fighting with my daddy she was very dismissive, so I developed stomach issues. I appreciate the information you share with us and think it has helped me realize I really do have some value. Thank you!
OF COURSE YOU HAVE VALUE!! I'm so sorry you have doubted it but I understand why you have based on your childhood. I hope you will work toward giving yourself what you never got. You deserve so much more.
It's been a long slow evolution for humankind's emotional well being. ..slowly learning to be kind and thoughtful. Many generations have been abusive/abused. .we can see the results of this in today's society. Also can see progress to be better people
I'm sorry you experienced all that, it's so understandable that you feel the way you do, but none of that was your fault. While your dad wasn't around much it's still a good thing that he could see what was wrong when he came back, and didn't just let it continue.
I relate. I never had one conversation, never any questions from them, never a hug, no loving words, help or encourage from either of my parents. I only received derogatory remarks and orders from my mother. I left home at 17.
I grew up in an emotionally non existent family. Now I’m married to a man that cannot show emotion and feels uncomfortable around any emotion except for laughter. He gets angry with me when I try to connect with him on a deeper level. He’s my second husband, and both men cannot connect emotionally. I was raised with a dad who couldn’t express emotion, and that’s why I have chosen men like this. Repeating the pattern I was in as a child. My connection is now with my Heavenly Father, God. He’s there for me whenever I need him, and now I’m alive in him. I do take care of me, and I’m at peace knowing I can’t fix these men… only God can.
My parents were young & had 4 kids. We were all neglected to a degree and some bad things did happen. Yet I don’t Blame my parents. I see they did the best they could and appreciate we had it better then they did as children. It’s sad how so many people seem to blame everything in their life on their parents as though they had all their own needs met and just CHOSE to neglect them. They didn’t have time, money or resources. Few books, no Google, few counselors, no UA-cam. I Thank God for my parents. Wish things had been easier but honor them for trying their best with little tools and resources. Glad we have resources today to help heal so abundantly all around us for those who care to take responsibility for their life today. The part we can control.
A major goal in therapy is learning what I like/dislike and overcoming the shame that I don't know something that seems so easy and basic. Shame is a default tied to any inkling I might have a need. Needs were not allowed and to be feared or treated with disgust in my childhood home.
Hello Jonice, its Lynn from Berkshire, England. I grew up feeling numb, and consequently abused drugs because I wanted to feel something. I also entered a bad marriage. There is much more I could add, but simply to say that I relate 100% to what you are saying. Thankyou xxx
Helpful advice. I had a Dad who travelled alot. Away from home most days. When he did get home it meant I was gonna get punished. Not a very structured, supportive or loving environment. The booze didn't help either. Thanks for your content and advice. Was insightful 🙏
Oh both my parents were so abused themselves and did much better but still were abusive. Nobody talked about the effects of alcoholism on the rest of the family or mental illness or foster care. It was hell for them and us. We learn and do better and use the help given us to apologise and work together for better. Not easy and sometimes near impossible. I thank God for faith seeing each generation through and moving us towards wholeness. Thank you for helping others to find healing. It's a beautiful thing.
I was an emotionally neglected child, and sexually abused many times, and I don't know who I am, what I want, what I like, I am in therapy now and working on identifying my emotions, after years of stuffing them, because that's what I knew, I have to let myself feel them, now I'm feeling too much and am emotionally exhausted at times.
I wasn't allowed to think or express myself ever. I had no idea what emotions were because if I ever showed joy or sadness, my mother would slap or beat me. It took years of therapy for me to be able to identify what I was feeling. At first, it could take weeks. Now, I'm able to express my feelings openly.
Just found your channel thank you for such a channel it may help me understand my childhood I was raised in a dysfunctional household with binge alcoholic patients with depression lack of education anger criticism lack of emotional support and not feeling valued or shown love ‘ I believe as a result of this dysfunction I accepted a narcissistic marriage for 27 years I lost respect for myself and was lost and suffered anxiety depression my home was cluttered to the maximum I have found slow living channels on utube and they have. Helped me deal with the clutter ‘ I’m hoping your channel will help me understand and move on from emotional trauma many thanks
My parents lived through the Depression and WW 2. They were tough and stoic. Mom never asked me how I felt. Dad was affectionate but away at work. I was a wild child, still socially awkward.
Thank you for this video. I can relate to your description of growing up in an emotionally neglectful family. I'd hardened off to the point of believing that it's wrong to have any and that it's just not appropriate to have them. Used to cry at times as a small child and be told that if I didn't stop crying I'd be given something to cry about, which was a spanking. I now can identify my emotions, but still don't know as a mature adult when it's OK to express them.
I just came across your video. It struck a chord in my life. I believe I didn’t get any of the 4 you mentioned. It’s such a hard thing to pinpoint because it’s so invisible. Thank you for sending out this video!!
My sister and I did not get any of these things from our mother and our dad was deployed for much of our childhood. Always felt like I missed something-some piece of information about life that others got and I didn’t. I started realizing after I had kids that my mother was different, she never came to help out like my friends’ mothers. I became very angry at my mother, then sad when I realized she would never change. Therapy helped me moved forward and accept her the way she is but her inability to love still affects me in my 50’s.
My mother would say if you cry you get a hit, if you ask you get hit, you obay orders or you don't love her. She got angry when I self harmed at ten years old, saying that shows weakness, I was dyslexic so that was stupidity. I ran away and became the first female in our family to get a degree in science, drive a car and own a home. The mother still says I am weak because I don't show her love. I show my love to my three kids, I have never hit them one is a doctor, two have masters degrees and we all love having fun and talking about anything. You can recover when you remove the thorn that is in your heart. ❤
Of course I had emotional neglect from people because the family I had bonded with all died or had severe illnesses that made them incapable of taking care of me. I moved 17 times before I graduated, living with different relatives. I did have a relationship with God and even as a young child felt his presence. Perhaps that prevented some of the scars of neglect or maybe I felt so well loved by the family I had bonded that it carried me thru life. I miss having that type of human love but most of us end up in life orphaned anyway.
O my goodness how you have pinpointed exactly what I never ever received by way of emotional support growing up in a poverty stricken part of Glasgow. This is ground breaking insight for me and hope aged 80 I can start at last to emerge from my trauma
2:39 Thank you for saying this. I have been doing some inner work journeying with my younger self. I realized I was in kindergarten was the first time I was spoken to not strictly in commands like, “let’s go”, “come on”, “time to eat”. So, I’m not at all surprised learning to read was extremely hard for me. ❤
Omg yes!!! I didnt know, didnt understand i was emotionaly neglected until i got married and then divorced. I started to really see then that i didnt know how to tap into my feelings and emotions and especially voice my them!! Its been an emotional but liberating journey!!
I remember as a 5 yr old, I was sneaking into my dad's room while he was sleeping to try and get something. He woke up and asked what I was doing. I told him I was trying not to wake him up. He said that is because you are considerate. That stuck with me my whole life. I knew I was a considerate person!! And I acted as such. So very interesting e/thing you said in your video!!!
Yes, I missed all 4 of those growing up. I was #5 of 6 kids in the 1950's. Mom had two sets of Irish twins and then I came 15 mo later. I think my parents did the best they could. And I don't' regret coming from a big family. But ye, emotional neglect was real as a young child and all through my teen years too. On top of that, being a sensitive soul adds more challenges. So this impacted my adult relationships in that I've always been focused outward, all the time not knowing how I feel or what I want/need. It's a wound I've been aware of ... not knowing what to do in many situations. I'll continue following Jonice. Thank you!
So relatable as there was hardly any conversations within the family of four. Maybe the doctor will discuss about it later but this video content made me think: that's why (because of lack of communication about personal feelings) i don't know how to act and react to people's kindness. I may get irritated for being asked and not wanting to be bothered. 😢
I always thought I had a normal childhood. But I've ended up seeing a therapist this past year. I've started hearing things I've never heard before, like self compassion, knowing who you are, and loving yourself. So much is unfamiliar. My greatest sadness about finding out about emotional neglect, (listening to this video) is that I didn't know how important it was for children to be encouraged to talk about emotions. So I was damaged, and because I didn't learn about it earlier, now my children are damaged. OH why don't they teach this stuff in school? So much sadness.
I definitely was neglected emotionally. My mom cared for our needs but didn’t not know how to connect with us. Dad was an alcoholic who wasn’t abusive but he was checked out. This resulted in all 3 of us girls marrying abusive men - starving for attention from the first man who showed interest in us. I’m 61 now, and just divorced an abusive narcissist after 33 years of marriage - I’ve been in therapy for 15 years and learned a lot but this video is so helpful and I’m going to put these reminders on my bathroom mirror and practice this daily. Thank you so much for this very informative breakdown and ways to heal ourselves. I’m excited to watch your next video.
I remember my mother telling me countless times that I was an evil baby. And that the grade school was teaching me all bad stuff because I was "no longer her". Plus she should have left me in the hospital after I was born.
Thank you, very informative. In short, my experience was all of the above. When your parents are dealing with their own trauma including self medicating, there is not a lot of room for emotions.
My parents didnt talk to me as a child, teen or adult Never showed me affection for example a smile, a gesture They didnt encourage me but instead trampled over me when i tried to do things myself I was fed and clothed Now as an adult i have shown them communication but they just stare at me like i am alien to them They also wont talk about my childhood, they refuse to discuss my points when I raise them. They also physically abused me when i was a child up to teenage years and threaten to hit me at 29 years old Oh I get told that I'm ungrateful and they did so much for me and did their best
Be quiet or go away. Talking about feelings weren't encouraged, in fact it was actively avoided. I don't easily cry in front of others because I don't want to make them uncomfortable. Strange how CEN had me so out of touch with my own emotions, yet I somehow became a people pleaser who'd prioritize other people's comfort. When I was a teenager I remember my friends would always ask me why I didn't ever share my feelings. I didn't know how to answer that. I couldn't figure out why for the longest time. My family wasn't necessarily cold and outright hostile. There was plenty of humor and laughter. But my father, especially, to this day is emotion-phobic. During those important formative years (before age 6?) any expression was shut down and dismissed as "noise". I internalized it as " my voice doesn't matter".
I don't recall anyone ever asking me how I felt or how I was doing? I was mostly left on my own, to figure things out. No one cared about my feelings or well-being. I had a mom, step father, who was raping my sister right under our noses. Our meaning my mom and 6 sisters. No one spoke about emotions. Everyone was out for themselves, just surviving and trying to figure things out on our own. Of course, this led to drug and alcohol abuse and many other mental health issues for myself and my sisters. Today, I have Jesus in my life and he says I am loved and I am worthy because I am His. And that gives me peace. He helped me to forgive those who neglected me. They didn't even know they were hurting me. They too were hurt. Hurt people do hurt others. But when we give our lives to Jesus, He brings clarity and helps us to heal.
My husband thought it was funny that I tell myself, "Good job!" when I do something correctly. I told him that no one ever told me that when I was younger, so I tell myself now!
It's amazing to me how so many people are making ridiculous generalizations and assumptions about everyone who grew up in their ere. Parents are different so is parenting.
What if having a 'self' meant conflict with your caregiver/parent, and then you WOULDN"T have that developmental connection? If the 'you' in the relationship was rejected, and you were only accepted for taking care of them emotionally, or be what they wanted to see instead of them tuning in to you? When you did 'show up', they had a real problem with you so you learned fast to be what they wanted to see so you'd have that 2-way street relationship you needed for development. im talking one-two years old here or so. Having a sense of 'self' almost feels like Kryptonite, even though part of your healthy self knows you need to do it, it still feels like death.
I’m 51 years old and finally feel like I have found the answer to why I am the way I am. Things make so much sense to me now that I know I am a highly sensitive person who grew up emotionally neglected. This is all new to me and I’m feeling like I’m mourning what I didn’t get. But hopefully soon I will get past that and work on trying to improve my future. Thank you for putting this information out there. I think it will help me tremendously.
@@rebecca_stone• I felt this comment deeply. • So many of us are mourning- many times alone and or misunderstood. • A heartfelt hug to all who are navigating this season in their lives♥︎
I was emotionally neglected. My mum would say ‘there’s something to cry for’ and smack me. If I said I was bored I was told only boring people get bored. We had everything we needed as in clothes and food. Dad died last year and mum now has dementia and is in a care home, I am doing everything I can to help her, visiting, making sure she has all she needs. Mostly I just feel sad that I didn’t know a mothers love. I am 60 tomorrow and I have always just felt sad.
I can so relate to this and what is even more sad is that we don't always do the best job we would have liked to do with our own children because we do many things similar even though we try to change many things. It is so sad and now I'm in my early 60's and have more time to realize how unperfect I was to my own children. I dwell on these things that I now know I should have done better at. The trouble is we didn't know as much when we were younger. I try so hard not to dwell, but it hurts.
Happy birthday ❤ you should be proud of yourself for doing your best for your parents in spite of them not doing their best towards you, even unintentionally. You will have no regrets and you can be safe in the knowledge that you are a noble and caring person. Let the joy grow from within by extending the same compassion to your self. You will find the way.
I’m nearly 80 and just started learning about it within the last month! I always wondered what was going on when I was the only family member who went to a neighbors home for dinner. I now suspect that my Mom took the doctor’s advice on my heart condition a little too seriously. The first funeral I went to was my Dad’s, he was 49 and drank himself to death. I was 19 years old.
Thank you very much. Growing up in the seventies I don't remember anyone, my parents, relatives, neighbors, teachers talking about emotions let alone asking children questions about it. This is very helpful!
Our grandparents grew up in the end of the Victorian age who also didnt show emotions much. Children weren't seen as people so it's no wonder our parents though did better than their parents, were still emotionally depraved.
@@user-ky6yu9xl4z I'm honestly not sure which is better. Because, today we have a whole generation of kids whose every feeling was indulged, and now they make a "god" of their own feelings and disown their family.
1) Not asked many questions about their emotions 2) Family not use many words describing emotion 3) Not having freedom to talk about things that involve feeling 4) Not have ability to see self reflected in parent’s eyes
I’m 83. I grew up barely seen and never heard. Told I was never wanted and do not bother me. Crippling thing for a child. I sought affection and what I thought was love and this left such scars. Finally found peace at 63.
You're not alone. I was also told that I was never wanted and wished I was never born. By the time we're actually told, I think we already got that feeling. Yea, wasted my whole life floundering and wasting time. Looking to fill a hole that can never be filled. Making mistake after mistake.
@TippyPuddles it's weird Tippy. Everyone says you can live your best life one day.!! How would I know what that even means?? Promises, Promises. But I've never seen how to do that!! Can't imagine!!!
@Crystalquartz964 HI Chrystal, love your name. Peace and quiet. I've always thought a cabin in the woods would provide all I needed but then I thought water facilities a must!! Then I thought, a creek for energy generating(paddle wheel) . Then I thought, well the list went on till I decided to stay near the wallmart somewhere. But that is what has allowed my peace. Glad you have figured it all out. Much love, Patricia 🙏💕
I can relate to all 4 of these things. I was never asked about things, more so just told what I would do and there was no discussion. There was very little discussion about anything. I learned to fend for myself and never ask for help. Looking back I excelled in many things throughout high school, college, and life, yet I was never celebrated, congratulated, or encouraged. I am just now at 64 beginning to ask myself, "what do I want?", "what do I feel?" Learning to observe myself instead of just living to do what everyone else thinks I should do.
Also, learn to appreciate yourself and your many gifts. It is vital that you realize and feel and own your true self, gifts and challenges, strengths and weaknesses. They all add up to make you who you are.
You said it so well. My experience too. I could have been so good at so many things, but my parents and siblings wanted me to fail at all of them so I'd be miserable, just like them. I was also never celebrated for my accomplishments, just looked at with jealousy and dislike if I ever managed to make something good happen.
Watching this video, at 55 yrs old is literally the very first time it ever occurred to me, it's normal, ok, or necessary, to ask myself what I need. Like you, it was never asked. My accomplishments were never celebrated or really even noticed. In fact, they were down-played. And, it's still that way. So bizarre. My parents are considered pillars of their community and respected at their church, yet they actually ignore my every success. Recently, one of their church friends started bragging to them on a recent accomplishment of mine, and they literally ignored her. She repeated it, as if thinking they didn't hear her. They just changed the subject & walked away. She looked at me so confused. I had no explanation. None whatsoever. 🤷 We were both just speechless, it was so weird. But, that's been my whole life. Especially, my childhood. Straight As. No acknowledgement. Beta club, Honors Club, Homecoming court, cheerleader and the 1st in the family to obtain a college degree. Not one mention of any of it. Like it never even happened. Bizarre. Because, in public, they pretend to be the BEST parents. 🤷
Very insightful. I'm 62, had a alcoholic dad and a mom depressed. She died when I was 12. We were left to ourselves not even relatives helped. Left home at 13. Never went back. A lot more to the story and I've always have known I'm emotionally stunned. Was there for my wonderful kids. But to this day can't tell someone what I want. No favorite color ect... so different from other people. Have never had counseling except from the Lord who has helped me a lot.
user-pe3cn2ur1r I can't imagine leaving home at 13. My response was to reach out to give you a hug. My heart is moved with compassion for you ❤. I was twirling a baton at that age. Loved twirling. That gave me a focus with something I put my whole heart into. I remember at age 5 got my feelings hurt. Not sure if it was something my mom said or one of my siblings teasing me in a making fun of me way, so, I packed my little square suitcase, went down the steps and out the back door. We lived above my dad's business. When I got to the end of the street, it was dusk and a gust of wind took my breath away. At that moment, I realized I had no where to go, so I turned around and went back home. But I never really felt emotionally SAFE at home. I was always told, "Oh, you're too sensitive!" As if I can flip a switch and just turn it off. Instead of being taught how to nuture & protect my sensitivity, I was shamed and criticized for it!! I have learned to honor this beautiful God-given quality. It has taken a long time, but glad I came to this awareness. ❤️
I hope you know how strong, resilient and what a survivor you are. To have left home so young and have loving children. You have to have done a lot of the right things. Be kind to yourself, love yourself. You were never loved enough by your parents and you deserve it.
I love your honesty and vulnerability. You ARE SPECIAL!❤ You're on the right path. Change is hard but necessary! So thankful that your beginning the healing journey! Remember one layer at a time.. just as an onion.. you will get to the center core.. of YOU. YOU'RE A-Mazing. Keep reaching to your inner child to release your feelings and emotions from chilhood and your FREEDOM WILL COME! 🙏🙌❣️
We were neglected by our emotionally immature parents. Ours was a “loveless” family. Emotions were avoided except for anger, and hatred which caused chaos. The middle girl became the parent and was abusive. As a result, I never know what to say to anyone. Im awkward socially, and I’ve lived 70 years like this.
Sadly it's not only immature parents but a likely generational things as well with some older people! I've discussed this with friends of my age and they've pretty much said the same thing. That in most instances parents were unable and incapable of showing their feelings and love openly. It took me a long time to come to terms with this in our own family. It has impacted badly on the siblings in as much as we are not close!
That was great and as said, seeable knowable, like a real person!! Was never hugged and when it did happen from my mother at age ten...., could not believe how humane I felt, saying to myself, this is how it feels to be human!!
@@taniayager3361 Not making excuses for them, but a friend pointed out to me that if we're over age 60, our grandparents lived through the Great Depression. They couldn't afford to sit around the house feeling sorry for themselves. They were forced to grit their teeth, stuff their emotions, and actively find a way each and every day to survive. It was all about getting or keeping shelter and food. I'm not sure one can easily just turn back on the emotional expressiveness after something like that.
I’m realizing each generation of my family suffered from emotional neglect and the cycle just continued unnoticed. No one in my family knows how to celebrate each other and we don’t say I love you to each other. It caused major problems when my uncle passed away because my grandmother refuses to believe the issues that followed stems from her lack of affection. I always wished I had the mother-daughter relationships I see others have and I’m working hard to make sure I pour into my daughter and break the cycle
I feel this to my core. My mom is a narcissist, I was not allowed to complain when she abused me. If I did I ended up comforting her. Her father was in the pacific theatre in WWII, he abused my mother and uncle both physically and emotionally. They both were terrible parents. My daughter had never known neglect or abuse. I broke the cycle. Part of my heeling (I have a very long way to go) was being the mother for my daughter that I always wished I had. She’s 17 and kind, so smart, and hilarious! She just got a scholarship to college for tuition for 4 years. She’s got over a 4.0, and works so hard. I’m so proud of her.
I think my parents were so unhappy married to each other and focused on their own unhappiness that they neglected asking if we kids were okay-emotionally. At 66, Ive been having flashbacks of my awful experiences in Catholic school -and Im realizing why I feel so anxious in many situations. Im that little girl being bullied and mortified by the nuns and then feeling not good enough. I never talked about my tough times in school with my parents because I didnt think they would think it was important.
Wow. Recently, I have been hearing from adults how mean nuns were to them as children. I never knew any nuns, but they are supposed to have love as Christians.
@@cynthiahurtado638 I have to say some of the kindest people I was exposed to when young were a couple of nuns who were always kind and accepting toward me. ❤ I wish everyone could have had the same experience 😪
I'm 50 with 2 grown sons that I probably overcompensated in this area. They tell me I went overboard asking them things or over expressing things. It takes me 3000 miles a roadmap and a passport to go 5 steps . So when I heard you describing these things. It was like you were explaining my life to someone, I just always thought I wasn't any good and was a waste of a life , really, and I was so unbelievably in awe that I had children being such a lost cause, that I wanted to try to avoid things that really destroyed me. I know things have been so hard on my boys and because of me. I really appreciate you making this video. I've been trying to find a way to heal or at least learn to accept myself before I die, for about 5-10 yrs . And I never seem to get out of the water before I start drowning again. But I know that today, I felt like I had my foot steady and stopped falling. I can't tell you how huge that is. I don't know if it makes sense. But thank you for placing a real step for me to safely stop. That's a very needed thing in this world. 😞😓💕
Reading these comments so many of us are children of parents who went through the depression. I had a narcissistic mother and a dad who had a hard time placating her while trying to parent me in his own way. My brother really stepped up, he was 17 years older, and gave me quite a bit of the parenting I did receive. He started to develop dementia and we grew further apart and it was 9 years ago he died suddenly. I’m struggling with my kids, grandkids, and great-grandkids. I want us all to be happy but I actually feel jealous when I see affection and love I didn’t get. I’ve told them about it and explained why . I just hope I’m doing a passable job now of loving them.
I didn't have any of this growing up and actually thought people who gave this to their kids were coddling them and they were bad parents. Somehow, I knew I had to raise my children differently. My husband, who grew up neglected and abused, and I did better raising our children, but could have done better. The problem was we knew what NOT to do, but not what to do. We could be factual, but no emotions (You lost the game, but you made a great play.) I am realizing the elusive missing piece- emotions. I was that kid who couldn't have any problems because my parents were together, lived in a nice house, had all needs met, went on vacations, yet I always felt like an outsider and didn't have a clue about who I was or what I wanted. When I was a teenager and skipping school, experiment with drugs and alcohol I was told "At least you don't have real problems like other kids."
exactly that. Its very hard when you never saw normal family life. As a child, mother had BDP dad was alcholic so I never ever saw normal families interacting due to no one coming over or inviting us to theirs, I knew what was bad but not how to be nurturing.
@@naemasufi7588"Normal" family life in the 70s came in the form of The Brady Bunch on TV. What the children felt and thought seemed to matter and all the adults, including dear Alice, were perfect adults able to handle everyone's emotions! No wonder it was such a hit. For us real folks, every generation learns and unlearn things. Let's not be too hard on ourselves🌷
When my Counsellor suggested that my parents may have failed me, I felt angry. I thought, "here we go, the usual parent-blame which Counsellors go in for." I truly believed my parents were as fine as possible and that I had an exceptionally good childhood, and in certain ways, this was true. But coming across this video and, for the first time, the concept of emotional neglect, I can now see where I was not served as a child. I hold my late parents in the highest regard for what they did give me, but at the same time I see things more clearly now. Thank you for this video.
There are two books from Jonice Webb you may find helpful. Running On Empty and Running On Empty No More. These are subtle injuries and once we start figuring them out we stand a chance of correcting them and putting ourselves together. Good luck!
Just realizing how emotionally neglected I was. My dad was angry, and my mom was unattached. Never words of encouragement or emotions. Despite that, I have a rich emotional vocabulary. I am trying to reconcile my memories of my mom and reality. She was a very emotionally available person. I used to refer to her as a cold fish. She had no connection to anyone. Now I see that my attachment and love were a one-way street.
Usually, the parents experienced emotional neglect when they were growing up. I know my Dad was treated horribly by his parents & my mother never got many warm fuzzies. Puzzling though, is that when my sister & I had children we made a point to be very nurturing to our children. Giving them what we didn't get.
The same thing happened with my husband’s parents. He’s hurt knowing his dad went through what he went through and showed emotional pain about it to only turn around and inflict the same on my husband. It makes no sense. Then his mother hides it but continues to neglect her youngest child. And talks endlessly about her own childhood. I think some of it must be unconscious and part of their dysfunction.
I'm 70 years old and just now learn that I was gaslighted my entire life. I heard that I was neurotic and too sensitive. My mother was emotionally vacant and blamed me for a lot of things. I know that I am a warm, loving and giving person and I tell myself that daily now. I chose a career as a massage therapist and don't think that was an accident. I experienced no touch as a child. She's in a rehab center now after two falls over the past year. All of the emotional neglect is coming up in me and I struggle with her neediness but am trying to take the high ground. Thank you for this video.
This is my first video of yours and I appreciate it. What I like is that you're able to talk about family dynamics in which the parents were not totally neglectful or cruel, but still missed the mark in a lot of ways. It's important to talk about that, both for ourselves and our descendants.
This was my childhood. I was the only child of two alcoholic parents who went through the Great Depression, Dust Bowl and WW2. They had absolutely no idea how to relate to a child. I think after they had me they realized that having kids was a terrible mistake. Their motto was “ Children should be seen and not heard.” I was not spoken to unless they were issuing a direct order to do something. I was sent off to sit by myself in another room whenever they had anything to discuss. Because they never talked with me, I never learned who they were as people. There were no family rules, only explosive screaming if I accidentally did something they didn’t like. They did everything they could to avoid me, and finally threw me out of the house at age 19 when they disapproved of my college housing arrangement. They are long gone, but I still wonder what made them so hateful and intolerant.
You had an unfair childhood to be sure, but in my eyes you are the lucky one because your eyes are open and you understand the dysfunction. How sad to be blind in one’s own ignorance with almost no chance to escape.
Hi Dr Webb. Thanks for sharing this video. I'm a young 61years old woman. I experienced emotional neglect as a child from both parent's, and other abuses. Brought up in an environment where children should be seen but not heard. It was painful to feel I wasn't loved and as a result have had difficulties building friendships, relationships because of a lack of trust. Fearful of making connections, worried I would get hurt, rejected or, attracting the wrong people to me. Those that may have been genuine I denied myself maybe because it was unfamiliar to me. Resulting in a lifelong merry go round of trauma. Now I see more clearly but still have a fear of connecting. I would dearly love to meet someone special. But because I got battered so much emotionally it's difficult to let go of fear, shame and periods of feeling inadequate. How do I connect with people personally in respect of what to talk about when mostly all I've had is trauma, upsets. I fear I may be judged or seen as a damaged person not worth troubling with.
@multiheavenscent I too battle these things you mentioned. I am 57 years old and been emotionally and verbally abused my entire life. Found myself in two failed marriages that were a repeat of my childhood. The second marriage turns out she was a full blown narcissist and nearly drove me to taking my own life just to make the pain stop. I don't fear getting involved with others but rather avoid possible friendships and other relationships out of my lack of trust. I avoid them as a means of self preservation preventing ever getting hurt again. But I hate it. The one thing I have ever truly craved is to be truly loved by a woman. The reason I say loved by a woman is because I never experienced love from my mother. When I was little I wanted to be held and shown love by my mother and never once got to experience that or feel loved. I keep everyone at a very distant arms length, trusting no one. I can understand your fear and lack of trust not wanting to ever be beaten down verbally and emotionally ever again and that's okay. Don't ever feel ashamed or think there is something wrong with you. You as well as many of us are merely broken and waiting for someone to help put us back together again. It's okay to feel the way you do. Those scars are tender and easily opened up again. Sometimes they just start bleeding again for who knows what reason even when we are alone. Many times I find myself in tears and have no idea what triggered them. What I learned from suicide is those that hurt me win if I self delete. I refuse to let them win so easy and I will never again let myself go there letting Satan get my soul that easy. You matter and deserve ALL that you desire from this life.
@@grounded7362 The loneliness and isolation I created as a result have been a paindul place to be alongside the sadness I have carried with me all my life. I created the loneliness and isolation to protect myself, denying myself the value of friendship and relationship. It is getting better in that I do appreciate my own space. And I do hope to make cinnections in genuine friendships. Thanks for sharing. Best Wishes to you
Agree to all. Sounds like me at 63. As well as being the scapegoat which is continuing. Trying to rise above it. We are THRIVERS❤️ our parents from that generation we’re highly stunted emotionally I believe , and it’s generational. I was dismissed and discounted and never asked what I wanted. My parents did the best they could but are emotionally stunted themselves and seeing them T mid 80s is deeply saddening to me. I’m the only emotional one in the family and talked behind my back as the crazy one. Scapegoating discounting and disrespect continues with siblings. I’ve been a great THRIVER.
(Waves) Being the scapegoat is a super-power in a lot of ways. We can detect a lie at twenty paces, and smell a gaslight at sixty. Fifteen minutes into the movie, Charles Boyer would have been out on his butt. We tend to be so sensitive to the emotions of others that we can read a room half a second after we step into it (the problem being that we don't turn into placating piles of goo in response). I used that superpower to go into Quality Control. Lie to me? You just told me where to look for errors. Gaslight? Thanks for the tip. Room's tense? I know you don't want this meeting and I know to dig deeper than I intended. I use it to keep people safe from medical errors.
I’m the oldest of five girls. We were never asked our opinions, we were expected to “salute and ask how high to jump!” Our mother was sweet but sort of helpless…and our father ruled the house. No outward display of affection , either, or positive affirmations for any accomplishments, etc. My sisters and I raised our children so differently, thank goodness.
Thank you Dr. Jonice as you helped me to understand why I am the way I am. I grew up in a large family(10 siblings) with much chaos with a mentally ill father. My dear mother had all she could do to keep us all fed and well cared for. But we all suffered silently. Two of my siblings committed suicide. I always felt unnoticed...the words I used, being from an Italian family...were I felt: "Lost in the sauce". You have given me the compassion I need and tools to move forward. God bless you and thank you again for being here for us who suffer from CEN. 🥰
My condolences for the loss of your siblings, and for being lost in the sauce. I’m Irish with 10 siblings, so I can relate. I lived alone in a crowded home.
Sending you hugs.............................. It is so difficult, my mother had mental illness and it was so difficult at times. Siblings didn't learn to honor each other and it is just so sad for me, too.........................
What’s Interesting in this emotional neglect topic is that we grow up, become parents and no one has shown us how to teach these skills to our own children! Our heart and desire to do so is in there but we cannot teach what we do not know ourselves so the unhealthy cycle continues unless you can identify the gaps, do the emotional work and healing with a qualified, super aware, progressive counselor!
Agreed. I only learned about emotional neglect recently, and I fear I wasn't able to help my grown children along the path to emotional wellness, due to my lack of understanding of my own emotional neglect and how it has affected me.
I was in an emotionally neglectful family. My mum and dad knew no different as they too had been brought up in an emotionally negectful family. I had children and though l tried to raise my 3 children differently I hadn't the tools or rescources to completely turn this around for the next generaton. I recognise this and take full responsility for the damage that I have done to them. Indeed with my eldest, who struggled with the fact that she was emotionally neglected by me, have spent a few years in coming to a new understanding with each other. I knew that if I wished to be connected to her in a deep way I had to apologise and and show her my failings - a bit like when apartheid South Africa had the Truth and reconcilliation. It's moved us on trmendously. I'm not so interested in the what was done to me but what I am or have done to others. Living like this allows me to live with myself. "I am human and I have failed"
That's a great start! I'm happy for your daughter: that her mother is humble enough to admit, that even though you tried, you failed her, and now you want to do better. I pray for you two to be able to build a connection and for her to receive what she needed from you. Better late than never. I think you will feel better too, even though you will be the one to give and give. I wish more mothers would be humble enough to see and admit their failures and apologise. It's so much easier to heal when the one who did you wrong recognizes, accepts it and comes to you in all honesty and says they did it and that they're sorry about it. I wish you well!
I really applaud you for having the strength and courage to apologize to your daughter. That took a lot 9f love. I am sure that your daughter appreciates this. When a parent apologizes it frees the child from thinking it was their fault and that there is something wrong with them. My mother apologized to me and it has made a big difference in the way that I view her.
I feel much the same that I have harmed my kids by neglecting their emotions and sometimes it keeps me up at night, as it did last night. I hope in time this part of their life will heal, especially my daughter, my second born.
My father paid little attention to me but my mother was very kind, praising and attentive. I think that emotional neglect from just one parent still leaves a void. My fathers neglect on me has left me feeling insecure and always wondering who likes me and who doesn’t in this world. A lack of assurance from my father has had a profound effect on me and yet my mother’s assurances gave me the skill to be loving, attentive to my own children.
I'm 72. Something happened last year that sent me to a therapist. A repeat of childhood neglect of my emotions was the root cause for last year. I really appreciate you telling us how to bring health to ourselves. Thank you.
My mother had schizophrenia. I didn’t know there was a name for it until I was 16. Long story. But, though my mother loved us and took care of our physical needs, took us where we needed to go, and was even affectionate and funny at times, I lost out on some things that some other people seemed to take for granted. Since there was a “vow of silence” around this in the family no emotional issues were ever talked about, especially not how hard this was for us kids. No one noticed I was smart except my grandmother. No one talked about college with me - a girl growing up in the 50’s and 60’s. No one wanted wanted to hear how frightened I was when Mom melted down with my friends there. I have worked hard on myself in order to be my best. But I sure wish that little girl had had someone listen to her. Thank you for your video.
Wow…I have been a child with a tiger mom and commander dad. As an empath, I was told that I am too sensitive my whole life. I have recently begun healing and forgiveness, but realised I have abandoned myself my entire life to fit in
Reading the comments remind me of my childhood and it makes me angry. Praying for everyone listening and sharing their story. Sending Love, air hugs, and healing prayers. God bless you ❤
in my fundamentalist Christian Scientist family we were not allowed to talk about death, loss, grief ..... all of that was considered an 'error' in thinking. When my playmate from across the street lost her entire family in a car accident, the whole topic was shut down, I wasn't allowed to see her. It's only recently that I have realized how incredibly damaging this was to my whole being.
I think my mom was an emotionally neglected child so she didn't have skills to use in raising her daughters. (I also suspect, given what I have learned about their life stories, that both my mother's mother and my dad's mother didn't get much emotional nurturing I've been dealing with this all my life. I now get the full picture.
Only very recently realized, that though my mother Idolized me, and my father was kind & caring, but somewhat distant (I was an only child), that there WERE 'things' I totally missed out on because I thought I was brought up 'normal'. When I was 14 my father had to put my mother, temporarily, in a mental institution. We both knew for many years that "Mom" was a little 'crazy', but it wasn't till my Dad was confronted by angry neighbors and landlord that we finally had to get her evaluated. She was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia. Before that happened we moved around a lot, just one step ahead of being evicted or charged because of my mother's unusual behavior. This was from the early 50s to the mid 60s, when she was institutionalized, and the mentally ill in families were 'hidden' and dealt with only within the family. I grew up feeling always defensive and worried if someone found out, but I also had a subconscious anger that we had to move so often, with little chance to make friends or find supportive neighbors. Also had no support from other family members. My mother 'loved' me, but now I realize as only an 'adjunct' to herself, as if I was her 'baby doll', and not a real person, with my own personality, likes & dislikes, etc. My father didn't either have the 'heart' or knowledge to get help for my mother, until it was too obvious to ignore. She came back to live with us because I was still a minor and someone had to take care of me while he was at work. But afterwards I felt even more my "mother's keeper", and life resumed being lived on 'pins & needles.' It is a damnable thing to admit to, but I actually sighed in relief when my mother eventually died in a rehab hospital from heart and lung issues, in 1998, at 79. Up to now I've 'buried' my smoldering hatred for my mother and what she did to my father and I, and also just now coming to terms with my heretofore unacknowledged resentment towards my father for not being "The Parent" to help and shield me. Nobody asked questions of me, as mentioned above. Neither parents, teachers, etc. I only now am asking myself these questions, and the answers and feelings shock me.😞 P.S. My apologies for 'dumping' on this audience, but I feel somewhat 'lightened' from burdens carried over 65 years.
My mother was bipolar. I, as a child, had no idea. I thought everybody lived like we did. Although seeing her need to be tied to a chair in an effort to calm her down did seem extreme! But the subject was just never brought up till the next episode! Your sharing reminded me so much of my experience growing up.
I'm glad you shared your story. No child should have gone through this. You were let down by society and the people that were closest to you. I hope you have found peace somewhere along the way.
All of the above, couldn’t talk, express yourself, ask questions, say how you feeling, and never asked. Specific example: our mom had terminal cancer for 3 years. We were 5 kids ages 9-19 when she died. We knew we couldn’t ask questions when she was sick, and we weren’t told. She was in her room with nurses 24/7, syringes in the trash, was jaundiced and skeletal. We rarely went in her room. One day my father said “You’re not going to school today. Your mother died last night.” End of story. She never said goodbye or that she loved us. Literally it was never talked about again by anyone in our family. Never asked how we were doing, how we felt, given any support. Example 2: I became pregnant when I was 16. I miscarried by myself. It was traumatic. I couldn’t tell anyone. My father only found out because there were complications a week later and I was hospitalized. talked about, like it didn’t happen. I’m 71 and still haunted by it.
I appreciate this so much. I'm 47 and grew up in the 80's and 90's. I think a lot of families were like mine; parents stressed about money, overwhelmed by work and the demands of life left my parents always depleted, with little interest in their kids. Yes, we had food, clothes and shelter but children also need love and attention. There wasn't much in the way of positive feedback, interest or affection. When you grow up feeling like you don't matter, it impacts every area of your life as an adult. I'm still trying to heal.
I think we had the very same experience! I'm starting a feeling journal, asking myself what do I feel, think and need today. I've never felt valid...EVER! I would seek for it with promiscuous behavior which only invalidated me more! Argh, just want the peace of mind to be able to sit by myself and be o.k. with it.
@@teribacon22I believe you are right where you're ment to be. It sounds like you're aware, self reflecting and know what you want...Decide to be ok with you, be proud of who you are right now because of all the good and bad experiences that have come together to make you. We're all perfectly imperfect and unique. Theres no such thing as normal or better, we're all just different. Just choose to love yourself ❤
Beautiful explanation. I experienced this - but it wasn't till my late 30s and early 40s after years of suffering did I start to join the dots. This 'lack of identity' went to the extreme for me - unknowingly, I suffered from borderline personality disorder most of my life, it was missed by a host of professionals until 41. (I'm now in remission.). This endless terrifying untethered feeling, zero sense of who you are, inability to see or feel agency in your own future, the gnawing shame, sense of deep defectiveness... all of it comes from neglect. The lack of asking questions / checking in by my parents also led to zero sense of continuity in life, for me. And issues with object permanence. I'm working hard to build what I wasn't given. It's a rebirth, really.
What a great amount of work you have already done. The rest seems like "finish work." Getting in touch with your emotions and accepting how you feel and expressing who you are. Happy Rebirth Day!
Wow! I just found you this Saturday morning, August 19, 2023, and all of that you covered is exactly what I experienced as a child. And why I didn’t go for the healthier of relationships in dating. And with many friendships. I just didn’t know what I didn’t know. Thank you so much for sharing g this vital information! I subscribed immediately! And I’m sharing the video!
I'm 64 and this is the first time I have been able to really hear this information and process that all these things were missing from my childhood! Thank you for breaking it down into manageable bits of education. It's a lot to take in and it also explains a lot. I have subscribed to your channel and look forward to more videos.
I had quite severe neglect and my father died when I was 7 and even prior to that he was barely around as he had severe MS. My mother has very little emotional intelligence and simply was barely around from a very young age. My brother was very angry and hated and resented me and is now very I’ll with MS as well. I have ADHD and ASD likely in part made worse by all this. I struggle with social relationships - find people patronising and don’t have any. I have had psychotherapy some 20 years ago. It wasn’t really useful. I have turned to alternative therapy to seek support at times. I am currently trying to work more on self forgiveness and letting go of some of it. I appreciate there is a lot of damage and can only work to try to reduce this as I gain insight. What is most difficult socially is the impulsive part of the ADHD which is what massively messes things up socially and I blurt out things I regret and people don’t want to talk to me. I have tried medication but can’t tolerate it. I am not convinced getting further therapy at this stage will help me do anything that I can’t learn somehow myself. I am not depressed but emotionally exhausted really.
I am 78, and was brought up by my grand-parents who really didnt want me, as they already had 5 kids, including my father, who was an alcoholic, and left my mother who ended up with mental health problems. Always was told I was crazy like my mother. Got married young to leave home. Had alot of problems running around with men and my husband travelled alot and was also unfaithful. But we managed to still be together, raised 3 good children, and have 6 grandchildren. Having our 60th anniversary this Dec. I was always a care giver and wanted to be liked. Anyway, had a lot of heart ache but lots of good times too. But mostly felt empty and that something was missing in me.
Really appreciate this video.. I was about 36 years old when someone - someone i just started dating after my marriage broke up - asked me how my day was. Parents and family never asked me, husband never asked me. I realized then how important that was to be asked that, and how much I'd missed out on something so basic.
Questions were frowned on, my father was authoritarian, we were to be seen, not heard. We were not asked basic things, like do you like this item, would you like to go to the park, nothing. Mom had 6 kids, not sure why they had even 1. Feelings were not discussed. Problems were not talked about. School was not talked about...we were all pretty invisible.
That's a perfect description of true CEN. Fortunately, you can heal. Taking the recovery steps one by one can make a tremendous difference in your life.
Ditto for me. You just don''t know what's happening to you as a chid. I think it's wonderful being able to learn now. I hope you feel good about that also.
My parents never mentioned my emotions unless it was to punish me as I was not allowed to be Angy, I had a father who delighted in making his kids cry...what you are describing, I can only imagine happpening
Expressing any emotions except cheerfulness was not allowed in our family either. I completely understand how your childhood was. To this day I feel utter guilt even if justifiably angry over some event.
Thank you for explaining that it hard to remember anything , because it was there; my parents were bad hearing, and emotional neglected themselves, so they couldn’t help it. I don’t blame them and I’m no victim of my youth. I’m going 70 and taking better care of myself than ever and thankful for what the “School of Life” gave me as my ‘ homework’ 😉😊🙏🏼💖
I was the youngest of my parents' children . They were older, and I was told often that I was their midlife mistake. There were no emotional words used. I was never asked how I felt. I am 67 and have tried to break that neglect. I talk to my own kids about their feelings.
I can relate. My mom always called me the accident.. my sister were 18 and 12 years older.. I didn't know them.. the 12 year old was mom's favorite.. she could do no wrong. They are all gone now.. sad but I'm not going to let them have anymore time in my life.
Pretty much all of them. No one ever asked me how I was feeling, or noticed. Or told me that any of that mattered. Working on that now. It’s hard, and really scary. I always cry when I’m trying to acknowledge my feelings, whether alone or with someone. I’m terrified I’ll be shamed, like my dad did to me. We skirted all issues, especially important ones. Reflection of me too. All of them. I’m going to do that exercise at the end. Read your book too. Thanks
I am 64 years old and just learning about how hurt and invalidated I felt during my childhood. My mother always told me I cried too much. My parents never asked how I was feeling and feelings were really something that was taboo in my family. I was emotionally neglected and learning this now helps me be a better person today.
Cjoyart, I just found out my mother pushed me away since I was a baby and my father always saved me from her cruelty towards me. My Dad died when I was 5 years old, he and I were very close and now I know why. Am now 71, my brother died recently and I connected with my Aunt, she told me things I never knew. The tears are flowing hard and I feel like a fool for caring for her so tenderly. Her favorite daughters hated her at the end of her life, but she wanted to live with them rather than me. I cared and rescued her from their cruelty repeatedly; she was safe and comfortable when she died in my home. Wow it hurts.
@@MariaBaca-r8r I am so sorry. I cared for both of my parents for 7 years. They were both my abusers. It was the hardest thing I have ever done.
These type of parents shouldn’t have children at all. It’s a tough life for us children who were not wanted and treated so badly I’m glad for one thing im strong for it. Now. 💕👍❤️I’m mighty.
I am 61, and I so wish all this information we can now find on the Internet, so easily was available for me 40 years ago. It is very hard to realize what you did NOT get. I remember when my two kids were a baby and toddler and thinking about what I would be willing to do for them. Then a thought popped into my mind - gosh, I
don’t think my parents would have done that for me. So I realized a whole lot once I became a mother, but now that I’m retired and really focusing on myself, I am learning so much more. I didn’t realize that I didn’t feel “real” to myself. It’s hard for me to even connect with joyful events. I distracted myself with work and projects for years because I had searched for Answers and there were none.
At least I got a lot done!
Same, always fokus on how much I cryed and I was a difficult Child (noone wants to play with you, you Will never get married etc) so, my selfesteem was and is not on its best. I am married but I dont have friends. Wish I knew this before I got kids cause Im afraid I passed it on to the. 10:20
I grew up in the 70s, and I feel like this was just how parents were at that time. I'm sure there are some exceptions, but for the most part, people didn't talk about emotions. They didn't acknowledge trauma, and the prevailing "wisdom" was to "get over it".
Agreed. Also grew up in the 70s & early 80s. Never heard my friends’ families talk like this. None of my family ever spoke this way. I don’t think they were spoken to like this as kids, so we weren’t spoken to this way. The adults were very separate from us. Very apart. They just didn’t talk to us in depth, just superficially.
I was selectively neglected by my family but I also grew up in the seventies in the idea of seeing an entire generation grew up that way is absurd. My siblings got all that. The nurturing the attention etc.
Seemed to me that every other kid in school paranormal background and we're pretty happy. That's a ridiculous generalization.
@matt3024 So you didn't read the part where I said "I'm sure there are some exceptions" and "for the most part" and "prevailing"? Or did you just decide to ignore those qualifiers so you could be contrary?
"how parents were"…although I don’t recall my friends’ parents explicitly asking of their feelings I did see physical gestures of love and care for well being that was often extended to myself. This is how I realised things were odd at home.
yep
My great-grandmother sat on the cottage doorstep, as a young child, waiting for her mother. Her older four siblings had gone to a funeral and she had stayed home with her younger sister who was too young to go. No-one had thought to tell them that their mother wouldn't be coming back. Days later, she realised that it had been her mother's funeral.
I weep for her😢
I am 66 years old and based on what you describe in this video, I was severely emotionally neglected. I was never allowed to have my own opinions or likes and dislikes. My parents never cared what I thought about anything and they would ridicule me at every turn if I wasn’t just a carbon copy of them. I hated them from a very young age and wished I were an orphan. I’m not sure why my parents had children. They were verbally and emotionally abusive and my mother who is still alive and now 100, is still messing with me. She is a selfish narcissist and continues to play her head games with me in a passive aggressive way. Fortunately, at this point her mind is going and so it’s gotten a little better. But my brother who is her caregiver has taken her place. Every day I wish these people were out of my life for good. The only reason I have anything do with them at all is for my father’s family inheritance. If it weren’t for that I would have kicked them all to the curb 40 years ago.
I think I learned at a young age that any display of feelings was "inconvenient" to my parents. For example - when a death in the close family happened - expressing any emotion about the loss was not allowed as I was "to young to understand", "I couldn't know what love is" or I was "putting on a show" of sadness for attention. The expectation was that I should be quiet, keep out the way and be emotionless
Its been quite challenging as an adult to feel worth of showing love, care and connection
I grew up in a very emotionally neglectful family. My father was a truck driver and wasn't home much and my mother was not a warm or caring person. She was very physically abusive to my 2 brothers and very verbally abusive to them and to me, as I was the oldest girl (I'm in my 70s and have an older brother). Her favorite communication with all but one of her children were to tell us we were "dumb, just like your idiot father", "you're never going to amount to anything", just to name a few of her favorite phrases. I was caring for my infant siblings when I was only 8 because I was told I had to help care for them (my thought was that I am a child and I don't know how, but I had to learn). I was made to hang laundry on the clothesline in winter and take them down and was told I would get beaten if I let the sheets touch the ground (I was all of 6 years old and had to stand on a chair in order to reach the clothesline). Some of the abuse stopped when my father came home unexpectedly from a trip and found me struggling to take down the clothes. Many years ago I came to realize that my mother had some very serious mental problems that came to the surface when I was about 19 and was left in charge of my 3 siblings who were still at home. She argued constantly with my father and whenever I begged her to quit fighting with my daddy she was very dismissive, so I developed stomach issues. I appreciate the information you share with us and think it has helped me realize I really do have some value. Thank you!
OF COURSE YOU HAVE VALUE!! I'm so sorry you have doubted it but I understand why you have based on your childhood. I hope you will work toward giving yourself what you never got. You deserve so much more.
@ginnywalker184 • your story brought me to tears. I am sorry for what you experienced.
Yes, you do have value!
Hope this finds you well ♥︎
It's been a long slow evolution for humankind's emotional well being. ..slowly learning to be kind and thoughtful. Many generations have been abusive/abused. .we can see the results of this in today's society. Also can see progress to be better people
I'm sorry you experienced all that, it's so understandable that you feel the way you do, but none of that was your fault. While your dad wasn't around much it's still a good thing that he could see what was wrong when he came back, and didn't just let it continue.
@@DrJoniceWebbphd Thank you!
I relate. I never had one conversation, never any questions from them, never a hug, no loving words, help or encourage from either of my parents. I only received derogatory remarks and orders from my mother. I left home at 17.
I grew up in an emotionally non existent family. Now I’m married to a man that cannot show emotion and feels uncomfortable around any emotion except for laughter. He gets angry with me when I try to connect with him on a deeper level. He’s my second husband, and both men cannot connect emotionally. I was raised with a dad who couldn’t express emotion, and that’s why I have chosen men like this. Repeating the pattern I was in as a child. My connection is now with my Heavenly Father, God. He’s there for me whenever I need him, and now I’m alive in him. I do take care of me, and I’m at peace knowing I can’t fix these men… only God can.
My parents were young & had 4 kids. We were all neglected to a degree and some bad things did happen. Yet I don’t Blame my parents. I see they did the best they could and appreciate we had it better then they did as children. It’s sad how so many people seem to blame everything in their life on their parents as though they had all their own needs met and just CHOSE to neglect them. They didn’t have time, money or resources. Few books, no Google, few counselors, no UA-cam. I Thank God for my parents. Wish things had been easier but honor them for trying their best with little tools and resources. Glad we have resources today to help heal so abundantly all around us for those who care to take responsibility for their life today. The part we can control.
A major goal in therapy is learning what I like/dislike and overcoming the shame that I don't know something that seems so easy and basic. Shame is a default tied to any inkling I might have a need. Needs were not allowed and to be feared or treated with disgust in my childhood home.
Hello Jonice, its Lynn from Berkshire, England.
I grew up feeling numb, and consequently abused drugs because I wanted to feel something. I also entered a bad marriage. There is much more I could add, but simply to say that I relate 100% to what you are saying.
Thankyou xxx
Helpful advice. I had a Dad who travelled alot. Away from home most days. When he did get home it meant I was gonna get punished. Not a very structured, supportive or loving environment. The booze didn't help either. Thanks for your content and advice. Was insightful 🙏
Oh both my parents were so abused themselves and did much better but still were abusive. Nobody talked about the effects of alcoholism on the rest of the family or mental illness or foster care. It was hell for them and us. We learn and do better and use the help given us to apologise and work together for better. Not easy and sometimes near impossible. I thank God for faith seeing each generation through and moving us towards wholeness.
Thank you for helping others to find healing. It's a beautiful thing.
I was emotionally neglected because my parents were emotionally neglected. I will put a stop to this generational curse. I’m putting I. The work.
I was an emotionally neglected child, and sexually abused many times, and I don't know who I am, what I want, what I like, I am in therapy now and working on identifying my emotions, after years of stuffing them, because that's what I knew, I have to let myself feel them, now I'm feeling too much and am emotionally exhausted at times.
I wasn't allowed to think or express myself ever. I had no idea what emotions were because if I ever showed joy or sadness, my mother would slap or beat me. It took years of therapy for me to be able to identify what I was feeling. At first, it could take weeks. Now, I'm able to express my feelings openly.
Just found your channel thank you for such a channel it may help me understand my childhood I was raised in a dysfunctional household with binge alcoholic patients with depression lack of education anger criticism lack of emotional support and not feeling valued or shown love ‘ I believe as a result of this dysfunction I accepted a narcissistic marriage for 27 years I lost respect for myself and was lost and suffered anxiety depression my home was cluttered to the maximum I have found slow living channels on utube and they have. Helped me deal with the clutter ‘ I’m hoping your channel will help me understand and move on from emotional trauma many thanks
My parents lived through the Depression and WW 2. They were tough and stoic. Mom never asked me how I felt. Dad was affectionate but away at work. I was a wild child, still socially awkward.
Thank you for this video. I can relate to your description of growing up in an emotionally neglectful family. I'd hardened off to the point of believing that it's wrong to have any and that it's just not appropriate to have them. Used to cry at times as a small child and be told that if I didn't stop crying I'd be given something to cry about, which was a spanking. I now can identify my emotions, but still don't know as a mature adult when it's OK to express them.
I just came across your video. It struck a chord in my life. I believe I didn’t get any of the 4 you mentioned. It’s such a hard thing to pinpoint because it’s so invisible. Thank you for sending out this video!!
My sister and I did not get any of these things from our mother and our dad was deployed for much of our childhood. Always felt like I missed something-some piece of information about life that others got and I didn’t. I started realizing after I had kids that my mother was different, she never came to help out like my friends’ mothers. I became very angry at my mother, then sad when I realized she would never change. Therapy helped me moved forward and accept her the way she is but her inability to love still affects me in my 50’s.
My mother would say if you cry you get a hit, if you ask you get hit, you obay orders or you don't love her. She got angry when I self harmed at ten years old, saying that shows weakness, I was dyslexic so that was stupidity. I ran away and became the first female in our family to get a degree in science, drive a car and own a home. The mother still says I am weak because I don't show her love. I show my love to my three kids, I have never hit them one is a doctor, two have masters degrees and we all love having fun and talking about anything. You can recover when you remove the thorn that is in your heart. ❤
Of course I had emotional neglect from people because the family I had bonded with all died or had severe illnesses that made them incapable of taking care of me. I moved 17 times before I graduated, living with different relatives. I did have a relationship with God and even as a young child felt his presence. Perhaps that prevented some of the scars of neglect or maybe I felt so well loved by the family I had bonded that it carried me thru life. I miss having that type of human love but most of us end up in life orphaned anyway.
O my goodness how you have pinpointed exactly what I never ever received by way of emotional support growing up in a poverty stricken part of Glasgow. This is ground breaking insight for me and hope aged 80 I can start at last to emerge from my trauma
2:39 Thank you for saying this. I have been doing some inner work journeying with my younger self. I realized I was in kindergarten was the first time I was spoken to not strictly in commands like, “let’s go”, “come on”, “time to eat”. So, I’m not at all surprised learning to read was extremely hard for me. ❤
Omg yes!!! I didnt know, didnt understand i was emotionaly neglected until i got married and then divorced. I started to really see then that i didnt know how to tap into my feelings and emotions and especially voice my them!! Its been an emotional but liberating journey!!
I remember as a 5 yr old, I was sneaking into my dad's room while he was sleeping to try and get something. He woke up and asked what I was doing. I told him I was trying not to wake him up. He said that is because you are considerate. That stuck with me my whole life. I knew I was a considerate person!! And I acted as such. So very interesting e/thing you said in your video!!!
I'd love to know more about as a parent to not pass it on. I like listening to these to make sure I'm being the parent I want to be to my kids.
Yes, I missed all 4 of those growing up. I was #5 of 6 kids in the 1950's. Mom had two sets of Irish twins and then I came 15 mo later. I think my parents did the best they could. And I don't' regret coming from a big family. But ye, emotional neglect was real as a young child and all through my teen years too. On top of that, being a sensitive soul adds more challenges. So this impacted my adult relationships in that I've always been focused outward, all the time not knowing how I feel or what I want/need. It's a wound I've been aware of ... not knowing what to do in many situations. I'll continue following Jonice. Thank you!
Very interesting.
I started to keep a diary eventually.
Of me talking with myself.
I imagine you are sad about that and I understand, but actually it's excellent! It shows how you needed that and it shows how resilient you are.
So relatable as there was hardly any conversations within the family of four.
Maybe the doctor will discuss about it later but this video content made me think: that's why (because of lack of communication about personal feelings) i don't know how to act and react to people's kindness. I may get irritated for being asked and not wanting to be bothered. 😢
Watch the movie ordinary people and you'll see what a emotionally neglected family looks like
I always thought I had a normal childhood. But I've ended up seeing a therapist this past year. I've started hearing things I've never heard before, like self compassion, knowing who you are, and loving yourself. So much is unfamiliar. My greatest sadness about finding out about emotional neglect, (listening to this video) is that I didn't know how important it was for children to be encouraged to talk about emotions. So I was damaged, and because I didn't learn about it earlier, now my children are damaged. OH why don't they teach this stuff in school? So much sadness.
I definitely was neglected emotionally. My mom cared for our needs but didn’t not know how to connect with us. Dad was an alcoholic who wasn’t abusive but he was checked out. This resulted in all 3 of us girls marrying abusive men - starving for attention from the first man who showed interest in us. I’m 61 now, and just divorced an abusive narcissist after 33 years of marriage - I’ve been in therapy for 15 years and learned a lot but this video is so helpful and I’m going to put these reminders on my bathroom mirror and practice this daily. Thank you so much for this very informative breakdown and ways to heal ourselves. I’m excited to watch your next video.
😢me too but I’ve been divorced 20. Years now I too just turned 61. Starved for a bit affection made us choose somunwisely
I remember my mother telling me countless times that I was an evil baby. And that the grade school was teaching me all bad stuff because I was "no longer her". Plus she should have left me in the hospital after I was born.
It never occurred to me to ask myself what I want.
Interesting - thank you.
Thank you, very informative. In short, my experience was all of the above. When your parents are dealing with their own trauma including self medicating, there is not a lot of room for emotions.
Was always told, “children should be seen and not heard”.
My parents didnt talk to me as a child, teen or adult
Never showed me affection for example a smile, a gesture
They didnt encourage me but instead trampled over me when i tried to do things myself
I was fed and clothed
Now as an adult i have shown them communication but they just stare at me like i am alien to them
They also wont talk about my childhood, they refuse to discuss my points when I raise them. They also physically abused me when i was a child up to teenage years and threaten to hit me at 29 years old
Oh I get told that I'm ungrateful and they did so much for me and did their best
Be quiet or go away. Talking about feelings weren't encouraged, in fact it was actively avoided. I don't easily cry in front of others because I don't want to make them uncomfortable. Strange how CEN had me so out of touch with my own emotions, yet I somehow became a people pleaser who'd prioritize other people's comfort. When I was a teenager I remember my friends would always ask me why I didn't ever share my feelings. I didn't know how to answer that. I couldn't figure out why for the longest time. My family wasn't necessarily cold and outright hostile. There was plenty of humor and laughter. But my father, especially, to this day is emotion-phobic. During those important formative years (before age 6?) any expression was shut down and dismissed as "noise". I internalized it as " my voice doesn't matter".
I don't recall anyone ever asking me how I felt or how I was doing? I was mostly left on my own, to figure things out. No one cared about my feelings or well-being. I had a mom, step father, who was raping my sister right under our noses. Our meaning my mom and 6 sisters. No one spoke about emotions. Everyone was out for themselves, just surviving and trying to figure things out on our own. Of course, this led to drug and alcohol abuse and many other mental health issues for myself and my sisters. Today, I have Jesus in my life and he says I am loved and I am worthy because I am His. And that gives me peace. He helped me to forgive those who neglected me. They didn't even know they were hurting me. They too were hurt. Hurt people do hurt others. But when we give our lives to Jesus, He brings clarity and helps us to heal.
I love the original paintings in the background
I have a hard time knowing what I want or how I feel. I am81.
I remember you Dr. Jonice! I was once signed up for your CEN emails a few years ago! Hi! 👋🎶☺️
A child can also be asked too many questions, like they're being interrogated. This can be carried too far.
My husband thought it was funny that I tell myself, "Good job!" when I do something correctly. I told him that no one ever told me that when I was younger, so I tell myself now!
Wow everything you said. Im 60. I relate to many of the people who already posted.
Easy to say none of the above, It was almost as if i did not exist as part of the family. The feelings exist long into life.
It's amazing to me how so many people are making ridiculous generalizations and assumptions about everyone who grew up in their ere. Parents are different so is parenting.
What if having a 'self' meant conflict with your caregiver/parent, and then you WOULDN"T have that developmental connection? If the 'you' in the relationship was rejected, and you were only accepted for taking care of them emotionally, or be what they wanted to see instead of them tuning in to you? When you did 'show up', they had a real problem with you so you learned fast to be what they wanted to see so you'd have that 2-way street relationship you needed for development. im talking one-two years old here or so. Having a sense of 'self' almost feels like Kryptonite, even though part of your healthy self knows you need to do it, it still feels like death.
My emotional vocabulary has thrived... no thanks to THEM.
thank you. extremely helpful.
I feel
I want
I think
I’m 51 years old and finally feel like I have found the answer to why I am the way I am. Things make so much sense to me now that I know I am a highly sensitive person who grew up emotionally neglected. This is all new to me and I’m feeling like I’m mourning what I didn’t get. But hopefully soon I will get past that and work on trying to improve my future. Thank you for putting this information out there. I think it will help me tremendously.
me too (55 though)
Ditto, 73 here.
I can remember being shamed for getting upset about an Easter egg hunt and not finding the golden egg. I was being selfish for being disappointed.
Mourning with you. Take care.
@@rebecca_stone• I felt this comment deeply.
•
So many of us are mourning- many times alone and or misunderstood.
•
A heartfelt hug to all who are navigating this season in their lives♥︎
I was emotionally neglected. My mum would say ‘there’s something to cry for’ and smack me. If I said I was bored I was told only boring people get bored. We had everything we needed as in clothes and food. Dad died last year and mum now has dementia and is in a care home, I am doing everything I can to help her, visiting, making sure she has all she needs. Mostly I just feel sad that I didn’t know a mothers love. I am 60 tomorrow and I have always just felt sad.
I can so relate to this and what is even more sad is that we don't always do the best job we would have liked to do with our own children because we do many things similar even though we try to change many things. It is so sad and now I'm in my early 60's and have more time to realize how unperfect I was to my own children. I dwell on these things that I now know I should have done better at. The trouble is we didn't know as much when we were younger. I try so hard not to dwell, but it hurts.
@@ruby-qv5bd Yeah, I skipped the whole mess by not having kids.
Happy birthday ❤ you should be proud of yourself for doing your best for your parents in spite of them not doing their best towards you, even unintentionally. You will have no regrets and you can be safe in the knowledge that you are a noble and caring person. Let the joy grow from within by extending the same compassion to your self. You will find the way.
Ditto
I’m reading the book “Mother Hunger “ by Kelly McDaniel
So much love to everyone who was emotionally neglected as children
❤🥲❤
Thank you. I’m 47 and trying to believe my needs matter. My husband and daughter are the best and are helping me.
I was 58 years old bybthe time I realized most of this.
Kindness from people like you are so appreciated. I really enjoy hearing people getting along with or teasing one another.
I’m nearly 80 and just started learning about it within the last month! I always wondered what was going on when I was the only family member who went to a neighbors home for dinner. I now suspect that my Mom took the doctor’s advice on my heart condition a little too seriously. The first funeral I went to was my Dad’s, he was 49 and drank himself to death. I was 19 years old.
@@philjarvi1943 so sorry for your loss of your dad. hugs and prayers sent.
Thank you very much. Growing up in the seventies I don't remember anyone, my parents, relatives, neighbors, teachers talking about emotions let alone asking children questions about it. This is very helpful!
I grew up at that time also and had the same experience. Feelings just weren't a thing back then for many, if not most, families.
If you had emotions you were labeled as to emotional which you realize was a bad thing to be.
Always heard children should be seen and not heard!! I was definitely emotionally abandoned.
Our grandparents grew up in the end of the Victorian age who also didnt show emotions much. Children weren't seen as people so it's no wonder our parents though did better than their parents, were still emotionally depraved.
@@user-ky6yu9xl4z I'm honestly not sure which is better. Because, today we have a whole generation of kids whose every feeling was indulged, and now they make a "god" of their own feelings and disown their family.
1) Not asked many questions about their emotions 2) Family not use many words describing emotion 3) Not having freedom to talk about things that involve feeling 4) Not have ability to see self reflected in parent’s eyes
I’m 83. I grew up barely seen and never heard. Told I was never wanted and do not bother me. Crippling thing for a child. I sought affection and what I thought was love and this left such scars. Finally found peace at 63.
Rachel, what gave you peace??🙏🇺🇲
You're not alone. I was also told that I was never wanted and wished I was never born. By the time we're actually told, I think we already got that feeling. Yea, wasted my whole life floundering and wasting time. Looking to fill a hole that can never be filled. Making mistake after mistake.
@TippyPuddles it's weird Tippy. Everyone says you can live your best life one day.!! How would I know what that even means?? Promises, Promises. But I've never seen how to do that!! Can't imagine!!!
@@patriciapiper6294 I'm almost 66 and I am finally recognising my emotions and giving MYSELF what I need. And I love peace and quiet!
@Crystalquartz964 HI Chrystal, love your name. Peace and quiet. I've always thought a cabin in the woods would provide all I needed but then I thought water facilities a must!! Then I thought, a creek for energy generating(paddle wheel) . Then I thought, well the list went on till I decided to stay near the wallmart somewhere. But that is what has allowed my peace. Glad you have figured it all out. Much love, Patricia 🙏💕
I can relate to all 4 of these things. I was never asked about things, more so just told what I would do and there was no discussion. There was very little discussion about anything. I learned to fend for myself and never ask for help. Looking back I excelled in many things throughout high school, college, and life, yet I was never celebrated, congratulated, or encouraged. I am just now at 64 beginning to ask myself, "what do I want?", "what do I feel?" Learning to observe myself instead of just living to do what everyone else thinks I should do.
Also, learn to appreciate yourself and your many gifts. It is vital that you realize and feel and own your true self, gifts and challenges, strengths and weaknesses. They all add up to make you who you are.
You said it so well. My experience too. I could have been so good at so many things, but my parents and siblings wanted me to fail at all of them so I'd be miserable, just like them. I was also never celebrated for my accomplishments, just looked at with jealousy and dislike if I ever managed to make something good happen.
I feel similarly...
@@equalityforall5620 Check out " Narcissistic abuse","Scapegoating ",
& "CPTSD "...
Watching this video, at 55 yrs old is literally the very first time it ever occurred to me, it's normal, ok, or necessary, to ask myself what I need. Like you, it was never asked. My accomplishments were never celebrated or really even noticed. In fact, they were down-played. And, it's still that way. So bizarre. My parents are considered pillars of their community and respected at their church, yet they actually ignore my every success. Recently, one of their church friends started bragging to them on a recent accomplishment of mine, and they literally ignored her. She repeated it, as if thinking they didn't hear her. They just changed the subject & walked away. She looked at me so confused. I had no explanation. None whatsoever. 🤷 We were both just speechless, it was so weird. But, that's been my whole life. Especially, my childhood. Straight As. No acknowledgement. Beta club, Honors Club, Homecoming court, cheerleader and the 1st in the family to obtain a college degree. Not one mention of any of it. Like it never even happened. Bizarre. Because, in public, they pretend to be the BEST parents. 🤷
Very insightful. I'm 62, had a alcoholic dad and a mom depressed. She died when I was 12. We were left to ourselves not even relatives helped. Left home at 13. Never went back. A lot more to the story and I've always have known I'm emotionally stunned. Was there for my wonderful kids. But to this day can't tell someone what I want. No favorite color ect... so different from other people. Have never had counseling except from the Lord who has helped me a lot.
That’s exactly my struggle, to have the insight and awareness and confidence and language to express to someone what l want and need
user-pe3cn2ur1r
I can't imagine leaving home at 13. My response was to reach out to give you a hug. My heart is moved with compassion for you ❤. I was twirling a baton at that age. Loved twirling. That gave me a focus with something I put my whole heart into. I remember at age 5 got my feelings hurt. Not sure if it was something my mom said or one of my siblings teasing me in a making fun of me way, so, I packed my little square suitcase, went down the steps and out the back door. We lived above my dad's business. When I got to the end of the street, it was dusk and a gust of wind took my breath away. At that moment, I realized I had no where to go, so I turned around and went back home. But I never really felt emotionally SAFE at home. I was always told, "Oh, you're too sensitive!" As if I can flip a switch and just turn it off. Instead of being taught how to nuture & protect my sensitivity, I was shamed and criticized for it!! I have learned to honor this beautiful God-given quality. It has taken a long time, but glad I came to this awareness. ❤️
I hope you know how strong, resilient and what a survivor you are. To have left home so young and have loving children. You have to have done a lot of the right things. Be kind to yourself, love yourself. You were never loved enough by your parents and you deserve it.
I love your honesty and vulnerability. You ARE SPECIAL!❤ You're on the right path. Change is hard but necessary! So thankful that your beginning the healing journey! Remember one layer at a time.. just as an onion.. you will get to the center core.. of YOU. YOU'RE A-Mazing. Keep reaching to your inner child to release your feelings and emotions from chilhood and your FREEDOM WILL COME! 🙏🙌❣️
@@pegansmith.11_29 ❤️
We were neglected by our emotionally immature parents. Ours was a “loveless” family. Emotions were avoided except for anger, and hatred which caused chaos. The middle girl became the parent and was abusive. As a result, I never know what to say to anyone. Im awkward socially, and I’ve lived 70 years like this.
Yep 60 before I figured it all out.
Sadly it's not only immature parents but a likely generational things as well with some older people! I've discussed this with friends of my age and they've pretty much said the same thing. That in most instances parents were unable and incapable of showing their feelings and love openly. It took me a long time to come to terms with this in our own family. It has impacted badly on the siblings in as much as we are not close!
That was great and as said, seeable knowable, like a real person!!
Was never hugged and when it did happen from my mother at age ten...., could not believe how humane I felt, saying to myself, this is how it feels to be human!!
@@taniayager3361 Not making excuses for them, but a friend pointed out to me that if we're over age 60, our grandparents lived through the Great Depression. They couldn't afford to sit around the house feeling sorry for themselves. They were forced to grit their teeth, stuff their emotions, and actively find a way each and every day to survive. It was all about getting or keeping shelter and food. I'm not sure one can easily just turn back on the emotional expressiveness after something like that.
@@janetcorbin2642I got my first hug when I was 17. No guff. 😢 I never even knew.
I’m realizing each generation of my family suffered from emotional neglect and the cycle just continued unnoticed. No one in my family knows how to celebrate each other and we don’t say I love you to each other. It caused major problems when my uncle passed away because my grandmother refuses to believe the issues that followed stems from her lack of affection. I always wished I had the mother-daughter relationships I see others have and I’m working hard to make sure I pour into my daughter and break the cycle
I feel this to my core. My mom is a narcissist, I was not allowed to complain when she abused me. If I did I ended up comforting her. Her father was in the pacific theatre in WWII, he abused my mother and uncle both physically and emotionally. They both were terrible parents. My daughter had never known neglect or abuse. I broke the cycle. Part of my heeling (I have a very long way to go) was being the mother for my daughter that I always wished I had. She’s 17 and kind, so smart, and hilarious! She just got a scholarship to college for tuition for 4 years. She’s got over a 4.0, and works so hard. I’m so proud of her.
I think my parents were so unhappy married to each other and focused on their own unhappiness that they neglected asking if we kids were okay-emotionally. At 66, Ive been having flashbacks of my awful experiences in Catholic school -and Im realizing why I feel so anxious in many situations. Im that little girl being bullied and mortified by the nuns and then feeling not good enough. I never talked about my tough times in school with my parents because I didnt think they would think it was important.
Wow. Recently, I have been hearing from adults how mean nuns were to them as children. I never knew any nuns, but they are supposed to have love as Christians.
@@cynthiahurtado638 I have to say some of the kindest people I was exposed to when young were a couple of nuns who were always kind and accepting toward me. ❤ I wish everyone could have had the same experience 😪
I'm 50 with 2 grown sons that I probably overcompensated in this area. They tell me I went overboard asking them things or over expressing things. It takes me 3000 miles a roadmap and a passport to go 5 steps . So when I heard you describing these things. It was like you were explaining my life to someone, I just always thought I wasn't any good and was a waste of a life , really, and I was so unbelievably in awe that I had children being such a lost cause, that I wanted to try to avoid things that really destroyed me. I know things have been so hard on my boys and because of me. I really appreciate you making this video. I've been trying to find a way to heal or at least learn to accept myself before I die, for about 5-10 yrs . And I never seem to get out of the water before I start drowning again. But I know that today, I felt like I had my foot steady and stopped falling. I can't tell you how huge that is. I don't know if it makes sense. But thank you for placing a real step for me to safely stop. That's a very needed thing in this world. 😞😓💕
Reading these comments so many of us are children of parents who went through the depression. I had a narcissistic mother and a dad who had a hard time placating her while trying to parent me in his own way. My brother really stepped up, he was 17 years older, and gave me quite a bit of the parenting I did receive. He started to develop dementia and we grew further apart and it was 9 years ago he died suddenly. I’m struggling with my kids, grandkids, and great-grandkids. I want us all to be happy but I actually feel jealous when I see affection and love I didn’t get. I’ve told them about it and explained why . I just hope I’m doing a passable job now of loving them.
I didn't have any of this growing up and actually thought people who gave this to their kids were coddling them and they were bad parents. Somehow, I knew I had to raise my children differently. My husband, who grew up neglected and abused, and I did better raising our children, but could have done better. The problem was we knew what NOT to do, but not what to do. We could be factual, but no emotions (You lost the game, but you made a great play.) I am realizing the elusive missing piece- emotions. I was that kid who couldn't have any problems because my parents were together, lived in a nice house, had all needs met, went on vacations, yet I always felt like an outsider and didn't have a clue about who I was or what I wanted. When I was a teenager and skipping school, experiment with drugs and alcohol I was told "At least you don't have real problems like other kids."
exactly that. Its very hard when you never saw normal family life. As a child, mother had BDP dad was alcholic so I never ever saw normal families interacting due to no one coming over or inviting us to theirs, I knew what was bad but not how to be nurturing.
@@naemasufi7588"Normal" family life in the 70s came in the form of The Brady Bunch on TV. What the children felt and thought seemed to matter and all the adults, including dear Alice, were perfect adults able to handle everyone's emotions! No wonder it was such a hit. For us real folks, every generation learns and unlearn things. Let's not be too hard on ourselves🌷
When my Counsellor suggested that my parents may have failed me, I felt angry. I thought, "here we go, the usual parent-blame which Counsellors go in for." I truly believed my parents were as fine as possible and that I had an exceptionally good childhood, and in certain ways, this was true. But coming across this video and, for the first time, the concept of emotional neglect, I can now see where I was not served as a child. I hold my late parents in the highest regard for what they did give me, but at the same time I see things more clearly now. Thank you for this video.
They did their best, do not let people who are paid to blame your parents, stir hour memories.
There are two books from Jonice Webb you may find helpful. Running On Empty and Running On Empty No More. These are subtle injuries and once we start figuring them out we stand a chance of correcting them and putting ourselves together. Good luck!
What a gift you received..
@@DA-ln5kzit has nothing to do with blame. Everything to do with understanding one’s self
Just realizing how emotionally neglected I was. My dad was angry, and my mom was unattached. Never words of encouragement or emotions. Despite that, I have a rich emotional vocabulary. I am trying to reconcile my memories of my mom and reality. She was a very emotionally available person. I used to refer to her as a cold fish. She had no connection to anyone. Now I see that my attachment and love were a one-way street.
Usually, the parents experienced emotional neglect when they were growing up. I know my Dad was treated horribly by his parents & my mother never got many warm fuzzies. Puzzling though, is that when my sister & I had children we made a point to be very nurturing to our children. Giving them what we didn't get.
God bless you for correcting your family generational curse. You did a good job.
The same thing happened with my husband’s parents. He’s hurt knowing his dad went through what he went through and showed emotional pain about it to only turn around and inflict the same on my husband. It makes no sense. Then his mother hides it but continues to neglect her youngest child. And talks endlessly about her own childhood. I think some of it must be unconscious and part of their dysfunction.
I'm 70 years old and just now learn that I was gaslighted my entire life. I heard that I was neurotic and too sensitive. My mother was emotionally vacant and blamed me for a lot of things. I know that I am a warm, loving and giving person and I tell myself that daily now. I chose a career as a massage therapist and don't think that was an accident. I experienced no touch as a child. She's in a rehab center now after two falls over the past year. All of the emotional neglect is coming up in me and I struggle with her neediness but am trying to take the high ground. Thank you for this video.
Iiu
Check out" Narcissistic abuse ", "Scapegoating ", & CPTSD " might also apply, & help your healing process.
Interesting. Similar mom, same career path....my sensitivity was met with disdain and/or anger
The more needy the parents become, the more triggered you become, like your supposed to give them something you haven’t got. It’s disturbing.
@@MeadowDay they also don't have it
This is my first video of yours and I appreciate it. What I like is that you're able to talk about family dynamics in which the parents were not totally neglectful or cruel, but still missed the mark in a lot of ways. It's important to talk about that, both for ourselves and our descendants.
This was my childhood. I was the only child of two alcoholic parents who went through the Great Depression, Dust Bowl and WW2. They had absolutely no idea how to relate to a child. I think after they had me they realized that having kids was a terrible mistake. Their motto was “ Children should be seen and not heard.” I was not spoken to unless they were issuing a direct order to do something. I was sent off to sit by myself in another room whenever they had anything to discuss. Because they never talked with me, I never learned who they were as people. There were no family rules, only explosive screaming if I accidentally did something they didn’t like. They did everything they could to avoid me, and finally threw me out of the house at age 19 when they disapproved of my college housing arrangement. They are long gone, but I still wonder what made them so hateful and intolerant.
You had an unfair childhood to be sure, but in my eyes you are the lucky one because your eyes are open and you understand the dysfunction. How sad to be blind in one’s own ignorance with almost no chance to escape.
Hi Dr Webb. Thanks for sharing this video. I'm a young 61years old woman. I experienced emotional neglect as a child from both parent's, and other abuses. Brought up in an environment where children should be seen but not heard. It was painful to feel I wasn't loved and as a result have had difficulties building friendships, relationships because of a lack of trust. Fearful of making connections, worried I would get hurt, rejected or, attracting the wrong people to me. Those that may have been genuine I denied myself maybe because it was unfamiliar to me. Resulting in a lifelong merry go round of trauma. Now I see more clearly but still have a fear of connecting. I would dearly love to meet someone special. But because I got battered so much emotionally it's difficult to let go of fear, shame and periods of feeling inadequate. How do I connect with people personally in respect of what to talk about when mostly all I've had is trauma, upsets. I fear I may be judged or seen as a damaged person not worth troubling with.
@multiheavenscent
I too battle these things you mentioned.
I am 57 years old and been emotionally and verbally abused my entire life.
Found myself in two failed marriages that were a repeat of my childhood.
The second marriage turns out she was a full blown narcissist and nearly drove me to taking my own life just to make the pain stop.
I don't fear getting involved with others but rather avoid possible friendships and other relationships out of my lack of trust. I avoid them as a means of self preservation preventing ever getting hurt again.
But I hate it.
The one thing I have ever truly craved is to be truly loved by a woman.
The reason I say loved by a woman is because I never experienced love from my mother.
When I was little I wanted to be held and shown love by my mother and never once got to experience that or feel loved.
I keep everyone at a very distant arms length, trusting no one.
I can understand your fear and lack of trust not wanting to ever be beaten down verbally and emotionally ever again and that's okay.
Don't ever feel ashamed or think there is something wrong with you.
You as well as many of us are merely broken and waiting for someone to help put us back together again.
It's okay to feel the way you do. Those scars are tender and easily opened up again.
Sometimes they just start bleeding again for who knows what reason even when we are alone.
Many times I find myself in tears and have no idea what triggered them.
What I learned from suicide is those that hurt me win if I self delete.
I refuse to let them win so easy and I will never again let myself go there letting Satan get my soul that easy.
You matter and deserve ALL that you desire from this life.
@@grounded7362 The loneliness and isolation I created as a result have been a paindul place to be alongside the sadness I have carried with me all my life. I created the loneliness and isolation to protect myself, denying myself the value of friendship and relationship. It is getting better in that I do appreciate my own space. And I do hope to make cinnections in genuine friendships. Thanks for sharing. Best Wishes to you
Agree to all. Sounds like me at 63. As well as being the scapegoat which is continuing. Trying to rise above it. We are THRIVERS❤️ our parents from that generation we’re highly stunted emotionally I believe , and it’s generational. I was dismissed and discounted and never asked what I wanted. My parents did the best they could but are emotionally stunted themselves and seeing them T mid 80s is deeply saddening to me. I’m the only emotional one in the family and talked behind my back as the crazy one. Scapegoating discounting and disrespect continues with siblings. I’ve been a great THRIVER.
(Waves) Being the scapegoat is a super-power in a lot of ways. We can detect a lie at twenty paces, and smell a gaslight at sixty. Fifteen minutes into the movie, Charles Boyer would have been out on his butt. We tend to be so sensitive to the emotions of others that we can read a room half a second after we step into it (the problem being that we don't turn into placating piles of goo in response).
I used that superpower to go into Quality Control. Lie to me? You just told me where to look for errors. Gaslight? Thanks for the tip. Room's tense? I know you don't want this meeting and I know to dig deeper than I intended. I use it to keep people safe from medical errors.
I’m the oldest of five girls. We were never asked our opinions, we were expected to “salute and ask how high to jump!” Our mother was sweet but sort of helpless…and our father ruled the house. No outward display of affection , either, or positive affirmations for any accomplishments, etc. My sisters and I raised our children so differently, thank goodness.
I grew up the same, although mom not that sweet. I hope to Gd my kids feel differently about me.
A father should be a little softer for his daughters. As a man I can agree that a lot of men are emotionally and psychologically stupid.
My household was similar. My mother was also very sweet but it was obvious to me that she was afraid of my father
Also, even though Mom was sweet, she would criticize my siblings in confidence to me when they weren't present. Is that normal mom behavior?
Thank you Dr. Jonice as you helped me to understand why I am the way I am. I grew up in a large family(10 siblings) with much chaos with a mentally ill father. My dear mother had all she could do to keep us all fed and well cared for. But we all suffered silently. Two of my siblings committed suicide. I always felt unnoticed...the words I used, being from an Italian family...were I felt: "Lost in the sauce". You have given me the compassion I need and tools to move forward.
God bless you and thank you again for being here for us who suffer from CEN. 🥰
That phrase captures the feeling of the CEN child "lost in the sauce." You're out of the sauce now and can find your true self and appreciate Theresa.
Bless you. i also grew up in a large family we were verbally abused and neglected. i have always had so much shame. my brother also took his own life.
My condolences for the loss of your siblings, and for being lost in the sauce. I’m Irish with 10 siblings, so I can relate. I lived alone in a crowded home.
Mentally ill parent can just wreck a family
2 siblings even suicided?
Such a shame how 1 person can destroy a family
Sending you hugs.............................. It is so difficult, my mother had mental illness and it was so difficult at times. Siblings didn't learn to honor each other and it is just so sad for me, too.........................
What’s Interesting in this emotional neglect topic is that we grow up, become parents and no one has shown us how to teach these skills to our own children! Our heart and desire to do so is in there but we cannot teach what we do not know ourselves so the unhealthy cycle continues unless you can identify the gaps, do the emotional work and healing with a qualified, super aware, progressive counselor!
Agreed. I only learned about emotional neglect recently, and I fear I wasn't able to help my grown children along the path to emotional wellness, due to my lack of understanding of my own emotional neglect and how it has affected me.
I was in an emotionally neglectful family. My mum and dad knew no different as they too had been brought up in an emotionally negectful family. I had children and though l tried to raise my 3 children differently I hadn't the tools or rescources to completely turn this around for the next generaton. I recognise this and take full responsility for the damage that I have done to them. Indeed with my eldest, who struggled with the fact that she was emotionally neglected by me, have spent a few years in coming to a new understanding with each other. I knew that if I wished to be connected to her in a deep way I had to apologise and and show her my failings - a bit like when apartheid South Africa had the Truth and reconcilliation. It's moved us on trmendously.
I'm not so interested in the what was done to me but what I am or have done to others. Living like this allows me to live with myself. "I am human and I have failed"
That's a great start! I'm happy for your daughter: that her mother is humble enough to admit, that even though you tried, you failed her, and now you want to do better. I pray for you two to be able to build a connection and for her to receive what she needed from you. Better late than never. I think you will feel better too, even though you will be the one to give and give. I wish more mothers would be humble enough to see and admit their failures and apologise. It's so much easier to heal when the one who did you wrong recognizes, accepts it and comes to you in all honesty and says they did it and that they're sorry about it. I wish you well!
I really applaud you for having the strength and courage to apologize to your daughter. That took a lot 9f love. I am sure that your daughter appreciates this. When a parent apologizes it frees the child from thinking it was their fault and that there is something wrong with them. My mother apologized to me and it has made a big difference in the way that I view her.
I feel much the same that I have harmed my kids by neglecting their emotions and sometimes it keeps me up at night, as it did last night. I hope in time this part of their life will heal, especially my daughter, my second born.
My father paid little attention to me but my mother was very kind, praising and attentive. I think that emotional neglect from just one parent still leaves a void. My fathers neglect on me has left me feeling insecure and always wondering who likes me and who doesn’t in this world. A lack of assurance from my father has had a profound effect on me and yet my mother’s assurances gave me the skill to be loving, attentive to my own children.
I'm 72. Something happened last year that sent me to a therapist. A repeat of childhood neglect of my emotions was the root cause for last year. I really appreciate you telling us how to bring health to ourselves. Thank you.
My mother had schizophrenia. I didn’t know there was a name for it until I was 16. Long story. But, though my mother loved us and took care of our physical needs, took us where we needed to go, and was even affectionate and funny at times, I lost out on some things that some other people seemed to take for granted. Since there was a “vow of silence” around this in the family no emotional issues were ever talked about, especially not how hard this was for us kids. No one noticed I was smart except my grandmother. No one talked about college with me - a girl growing up in the 50’s and 60’s. No one wanted wanted to hear how frightened I was when Mom melted down with my friends there. I have worked hard on myself in order to be my best. But I sure wish that little girl had had someone listen to her. Thank you for your video.
Wow…I have been a child with a tiger mom and commander dad. As an empath, I was told that I am too sensitive my whole life. I have recently begun healing and forgiveness, but realised I have abandoned myself my entire life to fit in
Time to find feelings and use them to walk forward as your authentic self. You can do it!
Reading the comments remind me of my childhood and it makes me angry. Praying for everyone listening and sharing their story. Sending Love, air hugs, and healing prayers. God bless you ❤
With Christ at our side we are never alone. God bless you also 🙏.
@@rongablue amen and thank you 😊
in my fundamentalist Christian Scientist family we were not allowed to talk about death, loss, grief ..... all of that was considered an 'error' in thinking. When my playmate from across the street lost her entire family in a car accident, the whole topic was shut down, I wasn't allowed to see her. It's only recently that I have realized how incredibly damaging this was to my whole being.
I think my mom was an emotionally neglected child so she didn't have skills to use in raising her daughters. (I also suspect, given what I have learned about their life stories, that both my mother's mother and my dad's mother didn't get much emotional nurturing I've been dealing with this all my life. I now get the full picture.
❤❤this was my mother and grandmother
You can stop it with your generation! It's a very worthwhile goal.
Only very recently realized, that though my mother Idolized me, and my father was kind & caring, but somewhat distant (I was an only child), that there WERE 'things' I totally missed out on because I thought I was brought up 'normal'. When I was 14 my father had to put my mother, temporarily, in a mental institution. We both knew for many years that "Mom" was a little 'crazy', but it wasn't till my Dad was confronted by angry neighbors and landlord that we finally had to get her evaluated. She was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia. Before that happened we moved around a lot, just one step ahead of being evicted or charged because of my mother's unusual behavior. This was from the early 50s to the mid 60s, when she was institutionalized, and the mentally ill in families were 'hidden' and dealt with only within the family. I grew up feeling always defensive and worried if someone found out, but I also had a subconscious anger that we had to move so often, with little chance to make friends or find supportive neighbors. Also had no support from other family members. My mother 'loved' me, but now I realize as only an 'adjunct' to herself, as if I was her 'baby doll', and not a real person, with my own personality, likes & dislikes, etc. My father didn't either have the 'heart' or knowledge to get help for my mother, until it was too obvious to ignore. She came back to live with us because I was still a minor and someone had to take care of me while he was at work. But afterwards I felt even more my "mother's keeper", and life resumed being lived on 'pins & needles.' It is a damnable thing to admit to, but I actually sighed in relief when my mother eventually died in a rehab hospital from heart and lung issues, in 1998, at 79. Up to now I've 'buried' my smoldering hatred for my mother and what she did to my father and I, and also just now coming to terms with my heretofore unacknowledged resentment towards my father for not being "The Parent" to help and shield me. Nobody asked questions of me, as mentioned above. Neither parents, teachers, etc. I only now am asking myself these questions, and the answers and feelings shock me.😞 P.S. My apologies for 'dumping' on this audience, but I feel somewhat 'lightened' from burdens carried over 65 years.
My mother was bipolar. I, as a child, had no idea. I thought everybody lived like we did. Although seeing her need to be tied to a chair in an effort to calm her down did seem extreme! But the subject was just never brought up till the next episode! Your sharing reminded me so much of my experience growing up.
I'm glad you shared your story. No child should have gone through this. You were let down by society and the people that were closest to you. I hope you have found peace somewhere along the way.
All of the above, couldn’t talk, express yourself, ask questions, say how you feeling, and never asked. Specific example: our mom had terminal cancer for 3 years. We were 5 kids ages 9-19 when she died. We knew we couldn’t ask questions when she was sick, and we weren’t told. She was in her room with nurses 24/7, syringes in the trash, was jaundiced and skeletal. We rarely went in her room. One day my father said “You’re not going to school today. Your mother died last night.” End of story. She never said goodbye or that she loved us. Literally it was never talked about again by anyone in our family. Never asked how we were doing, how we felt, given any support. Example 2: I became pregnant when I was 16. I miscarried by myself. It was traumatic. I couldn’t tell anyone. My father only found out because there were complications a week later and I was hospitalized. talked about, like it didn’t happen. I’m 71 and still haunted by it.
Bless you, that is awfull.
I appreciate this so much. I'm 47 and grew up in the 80's and 90's. I think a lot of families were like mine; parents stressed about money, overwhelmed by work and the demands of life left my parents always depleted, with little interest in their kids. Yes, we had food, clothes and shelter but children also need love and attention. There wasn't much in the way of positive feedback, interest or affection. When you grow up feeling like you don't matter, it impacts every area of your life as an adult. I'm still trying to heal.
I grew up in the 1950s/ wasn't any better 4 me
I think we had the very same experience! I'm starting a feeling journal, asking myself what do I feel, think and need today. I've never felt valid...EVER! I would seek for it with promiscuous behavior which only invalidated me more! Argh, just want the peace of mind to be able to sit by myself and be o.k. with it.
@@teribacon22I believe you are right where you're ment to be. It sounds like you're aware, self reflecting and know what you want...Decide to be ok with you, be proud of who you are right now because of all the good and bad experiences that have come together to make you. We're all perfectly imperfect and unique. Theres no such thing as normal or better, we're all just different. Just choose to love yourself ❤
@@GlockPeaceI’m so sorry you had to go through that as a sweet innocent child. You didn’t deserve that. Sending a big hug through the airwaves.
@@kathyannk Thank you sweet person on the internet.
No wants, no needs, no feelings.
I learned very early in life .
The End
Peace
It's just something you learned. You can unlearn it and learn a new way of living in the world!
You eventually become what you learned. You can understand why, but I don’t think you can ever change. Just my view
Beautiful explanation. I experienced this - but it wasn't till my late 30s and early 40s after years of suffering did I start to join the dots. This 'lack of identity' went to the extreme for me - unknowingly, I suffered from borderline personality disorder most of my life, it was missed by a host of professionals until 41. (I'm now in remission.). This endless terrifying untethered feeling, zero sense of who you are, inability to see or feel agency in your own future, the gnawing shame, sense of deep defectiveness... all of it comes from neglect. The lack of asking questions / checking in by my parents also led to zero sense of continuity in life, for me. And issues with object permanence. I'm working hard to build what I wasn't given. It's a rebirth, really.
What a great amount of work you have already done. The rest seems like "finish work." Getting in touch with your emotions and accepting how you feel and expressing who you are. Happy Rebirth Day!
Wow! I just found you this Saturday morning, August 19, 2023, and all of that you covered is exactly what I experienced as a child. And why I didn’t go for the healthier of relationships in dating. And with many friendships. I just didn’t know what I didn’t know.
Thank you so much for sharing g this vital information! I subscribed immediately! And I’m sharing the video!
I'm 64 and this is the first time I have been able to really hear this information and process that all these things were missing from my childhood! Thank you for breaking it down into manageable bits of education. It's a lot to take in and it also explains a lot. I have subscribed to your channel and look forward to more videos.
I had quite severe neglect and my father died when I was 7 and even prior to that he was barely around as he had severe MS. My mother has very little emotional intelligence and simply was barely around from a very young age. My brother was very angry and hated and resented me and is now very I’ll with MS as well. I have ADHD and ASD likely in part made worse by all this. I struggle with social relationships - find people patronising and don’t have any. I have had psychotherapy some 20 years ago. It wasn’t really useful. I have turned to alternative therapy to seek support at times. I am currently trying to work more on self forgiveness and letting go of some of it. I appreciate there is a lot of damage and can only work to try to reduce this as I gain insight. What is most difficult socially is the impulsive part of the ADHD which is what massively messes things up socially and I blurt out things I regret and people don’t want to talk to me. I have tried medication but can’t tolerate it. I am not convinced getting further therapy at this stage will help me do anything that I can’t learn somehow myself. I am not depressed but emotionally exhausted really.
I am 78, and was brought up by my grand-parents who really didnt want me, as they already had 5 kids, including my father, who was an alcoholic, and left my mother who ended up with mental health problems. Always was told I was crazy like my mother. Got married young to leave home. Had alot of problems running around with men and my husband travelled alot and was also unfaithful. But we managed to still be together, raised 3 good children, and have 6 grandchildren. Having our 60th anniversary this Dec. I was always a care giver and wanted to be liked. Anyway, had a lot of heart ache but lots of good times too. But mostly felt empty and that something was missing in me.
Really appreciate this video.. I was about 36 years old when someone - someone i just started dating after my marriage broke up - asked me how my day was. Parents and family never asked me, husband never asked me. I realized then how important that was to be asked that, and how much I'd missed out on something so basic.
Questions were frowned on, my father was authoritarian, we were to be seen, not heard.
We were not asked basic things, like do you like this item, would you like to go to the park, nothing. Mom had 6 kids, not sure why they had even 1.
Feelings were not discussed. Problems were not talked about. School was not talked about...we were all pretty invisible.
That's a perfect description of true CEN. Fortunately, you can heal. Taking the recovery steps one by one can make a tremendous difference in your life.
Ditto for me. You just don''t know what's happening to you as a chid. I think it's wonderful being able to learn now. I hope you feel good about that also.
We see you 💜
What are the recovery steps please? 🌸@@DrJoniceWebbphd
My parents never mentioned my emotions unless it was to punish me as I was not allowed to be Angy, I had a father who delighted in making his kids cry...what you are describing, I can only imagine happpening
I remember whilst at my fathers funeral my mother turned to my brother and said abruptly, ( I thought I told you not to cry) just about says it all.😢
Expressing any emotions except cheerfulness was not allowed in our family either. I completely understand how your childhood was. To this day I feel utter guilt even if justifiably angry over some event.
Thank you for explaining that it hard to remember anything , because it was there; my parents were bad hearing, and emotional neglected themselves, so they couldn’t help it. I don’t blame them and I’m no victim of my youth. I’m going 70 and taking better care of myself than ever and thankful for what the “School of Life” gave me as my ‘ homework’ 😉😊🙏🏼💖
I was the youngest of my parents' children . They were older, and I was told often that I was their midlife mistake. There were no emotional words used. I was never asked how I felt. I am 67 and have tried to break that neglect. I talk to my own kids about their feelings.
I can relate. My mom always called me the accident.. my sister were 18 and 12 years older.. I didn't know them.. the 12 year old was mom's favorite.. she could do no wrong. They are all gone now.. sad but I'm not going to let them have anymore time in my life.
Pretty much all of them. No one ever asked me how I was feeling, or noticed. Or told me that any of that mattered. Working on that now. It’s hard, and really scary. I always cry when I’m trying to acknowledge my feelings, whether alone or with someone. I’m terrified I’ll be shamed, like my dad did to me. We skirted all issues, especially important ones. Reflection of me too. All of them. I’m going to do that exercise at the end. Read your book too. Thanks
Keep going, at your own pace. It’s worth the scary bits and you WILL feel better.