ADHD Love: Self Hatred Is The Worst Part Of ADHD
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- Опубліковано 16 вер 2024
- If you're ADHD and use social media, chances are you've probably heard of Rich and Rox, a.k.a ADHD Love.
With over 200 million views, their viral videos offer candid insights into living with ADHD and autism.
In this ADHD chatter with Seedlip's Ben Branson, they explore healing negative internal voices, celebrating the genius of ADHD, the dangers of self-medicating ADHD social anxiety and how to support your nurodivergent partner.
#adhd #adhdfamily #adhdpodcast
On THE HIDDEN 20% - a Dyscalculia, Dyslexia, Dyspraxia, Tourette's, ADHD and Autism Podcast - host Ben Branson chats with neurodivergent creatives, entrepreneurs, and experts to see how great minds... think differently.
Host: Ben Branson
Producer: Bella Neale
Video Editor: James Scriven
Social Media Manager: Charlie Young
Trailer Editor: Charlie Young
Music: Jackson Greenberg
Brought to you by charity THE HIDDEN 20% 1203348
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Website: www.hidden20.org
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Ben Branson: / seedlip_ben
I'm so happy I found this podcast a short while back. Every conversation so far gave me so many insights, into others as well as myself. Thank you for having these conversations!
Another goody is @ADHDChatter
Saying no is so hard, but realising making excuses to get out of the plans when you’re overwhelmed is worse, something I’m working on and is so empowering x
Ya I'm trying to kid my kid to not lie/make up reasons to avoid, just say no thanks, or I can't right now. No extra info, no lies and no explanation.❤
You’re both a match made in heaven! Autistic people do well and complement ADHD people. Lovely to see 😊
The thing about teammates being the answer is that not everyone gets teammates that support them. Not everyone gets teammates at all.
Boom … we are not meant to do life alone. The first 5mins of this interview is absolute gold! ❤
Ben, thank you so much for hosting Rich and Rox ❤ So many great insights about our daily struggles.
The support and the love!
Be kind, give each other grace, and the world will be a much better place🥰
The most hilarious part of Miranda's critique was, that she "insulted" Rich as neurotypical. X'D My she mould have been in for a surprise recently, then!
Body Doubling is not really a "miracle" from scientific or spiritual viewpoint, actually. In both fields, we acknowledge that mere attention CAN change the outcome and e.g. the behaviour of matter. In the same way we acknowledge in the spiritual but also psychologic fields, that just being present and actively listening is incredibly powerful in helping people go through their self-healing and self-sorting and self-soothing.
I always think of it as "spotters in gymnastics". They are "just there" and the mere thought that they will be there to jump after you to secure your body IF anything goes wrong, frees up resources for you to bravely dive into an exercise. Body doubling provides us with a person which represents "safety" to the brain. Like the antelope with the extra sensitive nervous system being way more likely to be extra extra nervous outside the herd, rather than inside the herd where it'll still react the first but can way better afford to also ease up on safety to fill it's belly with whatever little greens there are to graze.
Maybe the burden we are sharing, is actually "the cognitive burden of self-securing and also self-timing (aka "fear of self-damage do to getting stuck in the task to the point we're left without breaks")"
Seeking advice: I have ADHD and I am quite lonely. I don’t have a solid family network, recently split with a partner, I have some friends but I don’t see them often and our life paths don’t overlap so much anymore. I really struggle because I have no one to co-habit with, no one to keep me on track, and no one to delegate tasks with. I’m not really sure what to do with myself. I don’t function well alone. Is anyone in a similar situation or has some advice?
Hey~👋✨ This was me some years ago… about 4-5 to be more specific.
I know how hard it can be. I can only extend you a hug from the distance and kindly remind you, it does get better.
For me, studying and keeping track of basic self care was and is probably the hardest.
Not everyone’s path is the same. However, in my case, l reconnected with an old friend whom I had always had feelings for, but never dared to confess back then.
We started hanging out and I gathered the courage to let him know how I feel. A year or so after dating we started living together.
He just went to work, like every other week day, so I’m spending about 8 hours without someone to help me stay accountable. Yet when he is around, I’ve found someone I can genuinely trust, love and rely on when needed.
I know it seems really hard to find someone like that, heck, maybe it just is.
I just want you to know, as hard as it could be, it is possible to meet people whom help make your life better. Weather it’s someone new or revisiting an old friendship, you can always find someone who cares, if you care too.
Just be a lil careful who you trust. My previous partner is an example that you can’t trust everyone. Yet my current one has shown me there are still people worth trusting.
Of course, you’d have to make an effort to connect with the right people, and try not to get too discouraged the times it doesn’t work (at least not for too long, it’s healthy to grieve for a lil while).
St I also think could help me stay accountable in the near future is getting a job with coworkers or studying where I can meet classmates. However I want to try entrepreneurship before that. If it utterly fails after I’ve tried it all for enough time then there’s that. The business thing seems like the most challenging, bc of the accountability matter tbh, but I want to try.
I guess im info dumping, sorry bout that. I just thought maybe it could help you somehow.
It’s just that I remember being there. It seemed as if nothing would ever change and I’d never make it out of that constant struggle, yet that wasn’t true. I’m doing much better now, and I believe there will always be room for improvement, as long as we fight for what we want. It is hard, it is though, but I want you to know it is possible.
You’ve got this. I wish I could do more for you, but you’ve got all it takes to conquer that which you seek.
My best advice: stay patient, stay persistent and rest when needed. Recharge all you need to put your goals into perspective and fight for it 💖
Therapy and medication can also be tools of great help when applying that.
Sending you a big hug 🫂✨🌸🫧
That's exactly how I feel. I don't know what to do either. Just keep going I suppose. ❤
@vanillamoon2573 thanks for the advice.
I work Ren faire and travel, and the great part is I live in a campground with lots of people that I don't have to interact with but I can. And I know they can see some of my camp from the outside and that makes me keep things cleaner. 😅
Now with the kid we love it. We get to travel and she always has friends.
Also online book clubs have been amazing for getting my days and hours on schedule. And I get others to talk to
Omg...masking....literally the other day I realised how much I've buried....fortunately mentally in a good place (ish) so I saw it as although not very helpful, as you can't work with something when you've buried it, it was a sign of how fucking strong and resilient I must be to have done that!!!! Now I am supported I feel safe(r) so I can look at the buried crap and start to figure out, with help, how to deal with it and release the negativity, shame, guilt, hatred, around it....
‘Walk on closet’ brilliant !
I hate having to body double for others sometimes, but I love that most days all we need is a buddy to sit with us.
A great interview. Thanks for sharing so openly, all!
Holy shit, there it is.... She says I'm not good at life by myself.... I NEED A PARTNER!
This combination of all three of you is phenomenal. Please do a second, third, tenth part of this!😻 Also Rich: You can totally be an advocate if you're self realized. The community welcomes you with open arms🤗 Oh and we also want you to get all the accommodations too. I don't know I'm getting really emotional hearing/feeling all of the nuance here. Rox could totally be AuDHD for example if you consider pda. Beautiful how y'all vibed and effortlessly flowed between depth and laughter. My journey (also complex ptsd + adhd + autism) has a lot of similarities. Thanks so much for this💚
I love knowing when to be there and when to leave. Dont make me think you hate me, you just have an end time! I love it!!!❤
Thanks for the pod cast. This was great to hear.
Joining this premiere an hour in, but so excited for this episode. Can’t wait to rewatch.
Ben, this podcast is brilliant. Most of the guests are new to me and it’s wonderful to meet and get introduced to so many new voices and personalities. Thank you for doing the thing that is needed in the universe to bring neurodiversity to the masses and have the needed discussions. Bravo! 👏🏻
Really enjoyed this one. I love the stories. All of you are awesome roll models for the neurodivergent community. Beautiful examples of how to work with your brain and not against it.
Yessss, so lucky to have found my teammate....its only since I've been with him that I've finally addressed the deepest of my stuff...which means I'm really flying now...as is he....support and understanding/a willingness to want to understand is key in life....for everyone
I’ve always had the most atrocious self esteem. I was told by everyone something was seriously wrong with me growing up but nobody diagnosed me until I did it myself as an adult. Really disappointing. And destructive!
I'm autistic and a part of a DID system ❤
The nrg thing!!!!!
I've ended up with chronic fatigue because I've tried so hard to fit in/do for so long
I'm still learning the word no....need lots more practice!!!!
I feel ya on that!
Handy tip for small talk, email, etc. something for both our ADHD over-sharers and our Autistic under-sharers. Looking back historically, in the world of ettiquette, when asked "How do you do?" we do not say "Well, thanks. How are you" or similar. The absolutely correct response to "How do you do?" is "How do you do?". No more, no less. It's not actually a question, but a signifier of friendliness without further requirement of information. These forms and norms have been mostly lost over the generations, but the social requirement remains, which is why so many of us find it difficult to navigate. We need that tiny bit of nothing to set the tone of a conversation, but we no longer have the established ubiquitous "How do you do?" to make it easy. So remember, unless you're sitting down for an actual catch up over a cuppa, that little thing you say at the start of a convo, whatever it may be for you, is there as a tone-setter, like an instruction to speak in friendly terms, or professional terms, or familiar terms, or hostile terms. It's not meaningless faff to be avoided and excised wherever possible, nor is it an invitation to explain our entire week's activities and the health of our children and dog.
"Hi, how are you?"
"Yeah! Hi! How are you?"
Nothing more required.
Frustrates me no end. Because it makes no sense.
Loved this episode! Also Rox your book title suggestion was definitely the best title. The publishing industry is so seeped in capitalism and consumerism that authenticity and freedom is not fully celebrated. It needs a whole overturn really
The publishers are probably neurotypical so they wanted a different title. But the book is meant for neurodivergents so the title she wanted would have been better!
This teared me up a couple of times ❤️
😢😅 not just me
Complete genius 🥹💖🌟
how do i get my partner to understand the difference between explaning and making an excuses for my behaviour? he seems to think everytime i try to explain myself after the thing has happened. and of course after an apology, that i'm not using adhd as an excuse..
first: are you really only trying to explain - or are you hurt and feeling defensive about the thing so you need to explain the feeling of shame / guilt away? next ask yourself, if explaining really helps the situation. are you sure about the correlations and causations you are explaining? my experience with explanations is: they are in no way helpful in a discussion about something gone wrong. Helpful is: recognising responsibility. taking / owning responsibility and lastly - but the other things have to come first: how to reconcile / ask for forgiveness AND think about how to prevent it from happening again. That last part is, where explanations may help, because they could help understand the problem and how to solve it, which means might help prevent it.
but there would have to be real and honest interest of your partner, because if everytime you bring up your adhd-troubles they get dismissed because "you are using them as an excuse" then it is kind of a loosing game. Blaming someone with cerebal palsy that they spilled their drinks all the time because of their shaking that they are using their illness as an excuse is pretty idiotic. And if everytime you bring up your difficulties with executive funcition you are told that that is just an excuse - that is idiotic as well.
general, if the discussion is centered around guilt, shame and accusations, that is not a sign of a healthy relationship.. maybe try and look for solutions, look which support you would need etc.
Thank you stunningly beautiful people. Teaching me so much. So much appreciated 🎉
Great stories and conversations 🖖🏾
Interesting. I am late dx ADHD. However I do have fairly positive self esteem. It's possible this is because I have worked in welfare for most of my life so recognise that many people are struggling with poor mental health. I also have found some folk ( I'm not talking about work clients) to be absolute arseholes and that is their problem, not mine. Therefore I've thought, in the main, I'm OK. Still neurodivergent though 😂 and so are my kids. I also work very hard at managing my executive dysfunction. It's the exhaustion I find the hardest thing to manage and the thing that gets in the way of really engaging fully in life.
That was great. Thank you.
Oh missed he permiere but I'll catch up tomorrow! Yaay Roxy and Rich!
Oh ya you made that body double app and my kid (9yo) brushed her teeth !!! Like just did it. Not just stair at the tooth brush, not yell at me, not even try to bargain for just mouthwash! ❤
Radical acceptance! We can't change the past.. we did what we did to get through life...
The 10 😭 yup....not only do we tell ourselves we're useless etc....but quite often other people tell us we're that 😭😭😭😭.....including health 'care' 'specialists'....🤬🤬🤬😭😭😭😭...and our own families 😭😭😭
We do have superpowers....we take all this crap and yet still manage to carry on and live (well, generally.....some people aren't so lucky....it does get too unbearable 😢)
I love you all ❤
47:57 My parents always had an agreement that when one or other was ready to leave, they would signal this by standing up. My wife and I have often pre-arranged departure times based on our 8:30pm bedtime… and this was before we knew anything about neurodivergence. We have 3x adult children with different NDs. Wonder if either my wife and/or I also are??? 😂
All 10 of those core beliefs are all so so familiar!
Yessss acceptance ❤
Hey guys hopefully you read the messages my story is exactly like yours my boyfriend of 10 years is the reason i need advice i dont know how to deal with it im at a point where I'm cleaning constantly going nothing at al then get only 4 hours of sleep in and best thing the house never gets clean its like my brain glitches and he does not understand I'm trying theres so much more and i feel like i can relate to everything inc family addiction and so on only difference i dont think anyone is taking me seriously when i tell them i need to work with my adhd they dont think it exists.i don't know how long i can live like this anymore
You know this really has some good advice for any person regardless of their brain. The part around 52:00 where the couple is discussing the sink issue and how each thought and how their behaviour has changed now knowing more about the other. If all of us paused and asked how the other is feeling about something, instead of making assumptions. Idk. I'm not being clear (of course i have adhd 😂). I've lost the point of what I was gonna say.
Anyone else get distracted by the green badges? Took me a while to realise what was on Rich's t-shirt and then I saw the badge on Rox's top and for the rest of the time I was thinking if they should have been moved a bit and the contrast between the green badge and the colour of the t-shirt. XD But yeah I agree with Rox having that person who's supportive of you and truly accepts you just changes everything.
❤
I'm not sure I can watch this. If I had an amazing partner I could accomplish so much. But I don't and I'm 68. 😢
Self hatred I've never had that issue once I left religion that went away and I have adhd
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Timey whimey i love dr who
I understand that Miranda’s critique was quite critical but can’t help but feeling that you invalidated the point she was trying to make. What if you aren’t fortunate enough to have a “teammate”. People sometimes can only rely on themselves and it would have been great to explore that further and not just say, but we have so many good comments. I still want to say thank you for the content though, it’s something in a sea of nothing. Edit: Watched it through again and I can really understand Miranda’s critique a bit more, the heading of this was self hatred and it was only touched on that it existed and the rest was a love song about each other. Sweet but only really helpful to you
Ya I agree. The wording was obviously unkind in her message but focusing on the underlying point, 'the advice is only beneficial if you have a neurotypical partner or parent etc who can take on responsibilities for you' is really worth discussing and maybe the answer is "our writing focuses only on educating those people, either the person with adhd or their partner/ care-giver". I don't know if a lot of people have the privilege of having someone in their life who will happily take on these responsibilities for them and that is sad, but that is the reality.
I don’t have a partner - my ex was my best friend and I miss him but he has ADHD too and we really struggled together so went separate ways. And I don’t have supportive family. So yes, I’m alone and struggling and find this episode another example of a dream situation that I don’t know I’ll ever have.
I’m new to ADHD sm.
Is that lime (caterpillar guts) green THE ADHD colour? Just asking bc @adhdchatter also uses that colour.
🙏💫😶🌫️
The convo about emails/messages 😅 excellent!!! It's so helpful to know I'm not the only one like that!!!!! I just want to get to the point....but also I don't want to offend anyone...and I hope everyone is OK but I don't want to actually discuss how they or I actually am....but I also want to go into great detail so that I'm understood 🙄😵💫😵🫠🤷♀️😅