I was diagnosed as AuDHD this summer. I'm 42. All my life I have been treated with medication for "depression" and "anxiety" because I used to ask my GP why am I swinging between feeling completely overwhelmed and excruciatingly underwhelmed and numb... I was always told it was anxiety and depression. Now I start to realise I've been so exhausted by masking that I've lived my whole life either about to burn out, in burn out, or recovering from burnout. I wish I'd been diagnosed earlier as so much makes sense now and I realise the last 40 years didn't need to be this hard.
Diagnosed at 42. I masked my whole life. I told a few people I am Close to, about my diagnosis and they look at you with disbelief. I understand why. I put on a great show of perfectionism and “normal.” I felt like I was trying to present the “evidence” to sway the few people I told to believe me. I don't owe anyone an explanation. I decided no one else needed to know what I was going through. Its too personal.
I am 42 and I am just realizing I am on the spectrum and I was forced to be right handed since my early childhood years when I was born left handed . I am just realizing the deep effects it had on my entire life and how much I tried to be “ normal and accepted “ and truly a false version of myself …
@@dianeallen1143 I am sure you are overwhelmed with emotions. You're not alone in this journey. Many of us are also navigating the waves of mourning and reflection. Discovering a diagnosis later in life is indeed a challenging reality to face. It prompts a deep introspection and a life review that can be quite intense to process.
Along with saying “I love you,” something that really helps me and my partner is that we’ll both share “I appreciate you being calm when I got overstimulated; I’m sorry I raised my voice,” which provides clear context around the behavior, takes accountability, and voices gratitude for the other person’s kindness and patience in a stressful situation. As well as saying, “I understand why you got upset, we’re okay” on the receiving end to make sure the person knows their feelings are valid / they’re understood / and everything is okay between both people. Also, on another note, the “too much / not enough” is the bane of my existence…
Talking about masking to fit in, I've realised one thing I do is try to present the best possible image of myself - my successes, my plans for the future etc. I think this can come accross as quite boastful and of course, why would anyone think there was something wrong with me when I'm always giving off that everything is absolutely fantastic.
If masking is such a big part of neuro divergence, the diagnosis standards need to drastically change to account for that. Just saying, we missed it because you didn't show it is victim blaming. In reality it's a gigantic failing of the people doing the diagnosing.
If appointments are only 20 min or 50 min, you can totally pretend to be normal the whole time and the psychiatrist can't really tell. You have to have a longer session where there is masking fatigue so you can see the signs peek through the masking. That's one reason why so much is missed.
It dates back to when they thought girls didn't get it. They didn't think people with ADHD would mask either. Diagnostic guidelines need updating radically
I am 44 perimenopausing so everything is off at the moment.I am scared for the diagnosis as I am not sure what am I supposed to say because I don't even know how to be my self.
Yes, the hardest part is there’s a whole lot of counseling and things about boundaries or psychodynamics and if you are neurodivergent have ADD or autism their expectations and the way they do things don’t work the same so there’s a real danger there and it can be really discouraging and demoralizing because everyone else is being helped and you’re still not being helped in spite of your best effort so you really give up on yourself so we really need a lot more specialist who well-versed in this
In 15-20 years nobody will be an ADA. They'll all have been identified in school. This is why nobody cares about this problem: if we ignore it, it WILL go away.
@@visionvixxen exactly, I read all the books, followed Heidi Priebe and all the INFJ madness, all the autism channels, Jung shadow work, human design, trauma therapy for years, recently tried PT with a biopsychosocial model. She put me in the corner to regulate my nervous system, as if that’ll ever happen in this society! Can’t get help with my actual joint injuries from EDS when they want to bucket all of our stuff into “ANS dysregulation.” EMDR didn’t work one bit. Brainspotting either. The most progress I made was stopping ALL of that. Accepting myself right here. Same with pain dr- adverse med reactions shown on genetic report, lengthy list he disregarded and harmed me. Said it was all in my head in records, soooo board complaint. They are committed to mischaracterizing us.
I also experience very extreme depression. As a male it sucks too. Everyone runs away. I said to a mate the other day though, that I would rather cry everyday than never cry at all.
I hear you friend. I feel this way as well, like yourself, I experience very bad depression (I wish I went to sleep and not wake up), a male, people run away and my friends/family dismiss me - you’re right, it’s hard, BUT, you are a fighter, keep fighting. I wish you have a really good day today and keep strong 💪
I also feel the same sometimes think maybe it'd be easier if I wasn't here. We are not alone we do often feel very similar for sure. But we are fucking awesome people my friend
I am a mom of three adult males, one of whom is a highly sensitive person - always has been. He happened to be born into a family of opposites, in the sense that one parent “feels it all” and recognizes that there’s nothing wrong with shedding tears, whereas the other taught the old adage “boys don’t cry”. My son learned to stifle that part of him at an early age, for the most part, in order to “fit in” to the expectations around him. Though male, he became quite adept at what we now call “high masking”. Over time, he’s learned how to express himself more fully than he let himself do as a small boy. I’d just like to say that your feelings are valid. It could be necessary for you to sort of schedule your crying time. For example, perhaps your colleagues would not appreciate you wailing while they’re concentrating, and result of your crying on the job might lead to a firing. What about having your own time in the shower? That’s just a suggestion; I soak in the tub and use that time to process whatever I’m feeling on my own time. Generally, I have a long soak a couple of times a month; weekly, if I schedule my days the right way. I’m not a man, obviously. Thank goodness! To those of you whose sadness and frustration gets out of your body through tears instead of fists or whatever other implements are close at hand, good for you! Feel your feelings, whatever they may be, and do so in ways that don’t hurt anyone, including yourselves. Cheers!
Hey friends, if you haven’t tried, B vitamin complex and magnesium makes the most noticeable difference for me. There are interesting nutritional things you may want to look into if you’re neurodivergent. I’m not a doc but late diag audhd. And I can feel a difference if I skip the vitamins. I’m not saying it’s an antidepressant but it turns that volume knob down for me as an anecdote. There are others I take but when I pay attention, those are the noticeable ones. Wish you all the best, it sucks living with depression your whole life
Thank you so much.I was diagnosed ADHD at 8 but misdiagnosed bipolar at 23 and then not diagnosed as Autistic until 45 (THIS YEAR). It has been rough. I am still learning who I am luckily I have art and writing to help express myself.
Last year, 2 months after my 50th birthday. Nobody in my life loved me enough to notice. Not doctors, nurses, teachers, counselors, family. Nobody. People think that I shouldn't be angry about this, that I should chase "happiness", whatever delusional nonsense that is. Those people are wrong. I have every right to be furious and bitter about what has happened. Everyone in my life let me down. EVERYONE. You tell me why I should speak to ANYONE anymore.
Holding onto the anger is exhausting. You'll have to let go of it to improve your own life. My late diagnosis anger towards my childhood guardians faded about 1 yr post diagnosis. I'm now 4 years post diagnosis and I no longer think "If I'd known then, how would my life be different." At this stage I still have a hard time sticking to any of the lifestyle changes I've learned and tried but having the diagnosis has helped me understand myself better and be kinder to myself. Knowing why I continue to do things that have a negative impact on my life. And why I go through cycles of high energy, then don't complete the task or goal and end up with a low mode for at least a week or more or experiencing burnout from over working myself. Don't get me wrong, i still have moments where i feel angry at the cards i was dealt. Having big (and small) goals and dreams and the inability to implement or achieve them feels like hell on earth in my opinion. It's a real mind F*ck.
@@mardellantolin2498any books/ resources you recommend? I was abused by my family and I carry a lot from that, even though I want to let it go so badly.
I know I shouldn’t, but why is this therapy for me? This podcast once a week is so valuable to me. I always refer back what I’ve learned to my poor counsellor hahaha. Thank you again. You guys are the best.
👏great comment this. This is how I see it as well. I’m diagnosed with depression and anxiety (and cptsd)…I should say, MISdiagnosed, but try telling the docs, they don’t listen, well, they don’t listen to me. Take care, all the best
thank you Ellie for talking about the forward grief, that's where im at. I've experienced grief before (more classical grief interns of loss) so I have faith than feeling through it and letting it be is the only way to process it but was so great to hear you talk about more than just the validation that comes with diagnosis. You have a way about you that I could listen to you speak for ages!
8:14 I was diagnosed at 40, and I’ve never found my personal style. This hit me like a bus. Always trying to fit in somewhere and molding myself accordingly. Thanks for this interview!
Yes, “I snapped because I was overstimulated” is revolutionary because people can also take steps to avoid being overstimulated. Or they can take meaningful steps to calm themselves down if they’re overstimulated. Awareness of the causes of our actions is SO helpful!
@@user-mj6qr2ky9d I'm not a medic... but try to figure out what you need at that time; mostly food, rest, hygiene, quiet... etc... look up ways to accommodate yourself.
Ever since i was diagnosed i started to fixate on learning more about adhd and just made me isolate but when i do get around people i show them the version of me that everyone gets along with
Thank you, awesome interview. This made me cry for the fact it was so relatable. I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD at 54 & now 2 years later believe it’s autism as well.
I was diagnosed with autism at 42, and adhd at 44, its been a long hard life 😢 and being an adult now there us no support, adults get no help, only children get help
One time I felt really embarrassed and snuck out of a party and texted my friend when I got home to let her know. I didn’t really connect this with my neurodivergence. Great insight! ❤
Omg this is so relatable 😭 I have been following you, Ellie, for some time already on LinkedIn, but never really got to actually watch some of your interviews or into reading your books (hi, ADHD me) - but now I see I have been missing big time here! It's so refreshing to see an AuDHD woman explaining how things work from female perspective
The way I describe the AuDHD control is like a Star Trek bridge with a bunch of different me at the different stations, with the addition of a sailing ship steering wheel. I'm at the wheel and my ADHD Goblin is on one side and my Autism Dwarf is on the other side and we are all steering the ship. When our goals are aligned it's super easy to steer the ship if one has a better grip then it has more influence that direction and when they balance each other I can still steer but it's "stiffer" like old school non powered steering. Which is the most common.
I loved going to gigs and festivals in my 20s, I would say I was really nerdy about the music I listened to and got on well with alot of people in the music scene. I was very hyper and full on joker at these times, but behind that had alot of anxiety/paranoia about how I was perceived. I was trying to fit in and felt I never new enough, I guess I masked alot. There were always a few people I Didn't mix well with and I felt alot of impostor syndrome. I still love my music but I don't don't socialise or listen to or retain information anymore. I Feel my music loves, hobbies and interests and melting away and it's extremely isolating.
when she said is everyone finding it difficult or is it just me, literally how I felt for the 18 years I wasn't diagnosed, I always thought "everyone finds it difficult I just have to push through"
I was in therapy for two year's and I said I'm getting along great with this ADHD and I was told no you've BPD. Although fitted the traits of BPD I always thought myself I'm Autistic with ADHD. Thankfully these days I cope so it doesn't matter but these are not a million miles away from each other.
I’d like to send you a research paper about BPD that might help you to advocate for yourself. It’s a feminist analysis of why BPD is mostly diagnosed in women and why it may not even exist in the clinical way it’s been defined.
I've never felt more seen, heard or understood, thank you so much 🥹❤️ I was late diagnosed at 34 two years ago and it's been a journey. The cycles of high and burnout is literally my life, currently in a burnout period now and feel so so so comforted to know I'm not alone. Thank you so much ❤️
I am going through the diagnosis process right now at 35 yrs old. Idk if it is just ADHD or autism as well but it is like i have 2 brains CONSTANTLY fighting over power that day..that hour. I never knew u could have both until this year. I feel like a whiner bc no one around me gets it! Thank goodness for everyone voicing their struggles about things like this. It is the first time in my life that I dont feel like I am in an invisible war.
The part at about 21:50 about not texting someone back and it getting more and more awkward is so real! I had a pretty bad example of that recently that I'm not proud of... When I'm burnt out it can feel really gross and vulnaranle to explain to someone how overwhelmed you are with anxiety and ADHD issues that you can't talk right now... especially when you dont have a tangable external reason or "excuse" to give them... I know I should't need to "justify" it to them but I've been conditioned through years of being seen as a letdown for stuff like regularly wanting to not attend, or leave social events early... I always hated that feeling and internalized that guilt and it wasn't until recently, in my late 20's, that I realized how damaging that was...
Explaining AuDHD as seasons of one or the other being at the forefront is exactly how I've felt my whole life! I've definitely felt a degree of conflict between the two at times but I think the majority of my life has been more akin to a revolving door of whichever side of me has the reigns. Thank you for explaining it in this way! As lifelong masker trying to learn more about my neurodivergence I feel like I'm so behind on articulating my own feelings as I've been stuck in such a prolonged stage of denying them to myself. I feel like this entire interview has given me so many more ways to vocalize my experience to the people in my life and to myself.
I’m high functioning, high masking, and my tactic was to make myself as in invisible as possible. I’m much older than you both, and as a child the doctor told my mum I was ‘highly strung’, and was extremely intelligent with no way to deal with it 🙄
Me too! And the last one I listened to hit me deep too - when your intuition warns you off someone, and everyone thinks you're being melodramatic, then that person turns out to be the SC of the earth but Noone apoligies for ridiculing or defriending you. Ah feel so home at last with everyone here. ❤
I sometimes find domains I totally forgot I owned, but my worst I can remember is forgetting to call my aunt to let her know I was running behind and had to cancel my visit. That was 8 years ago. I just realized that. We haven't spoken since.😔
@@canUfeelMYface I didn't know I had Autism nor ever thought it was possible. I've spent my entire life knowing I was different, but didn't understand why. Because girls weren't tested in the 80's, it went unnoticed and I was forced to conform to society. I never fit in and thought I'm just really weird or quirky. In order to fit in, I'd watch others and make sure I do what they do. And thus started masking. When covid hit, I went from 20+years of working in a stressful office environment to working from home for a couple years. During that time, I didn't go out much and while I was working from home, I could be myself. And slowly, over time, the real me began to emerge (even though I didn't notice). But when we were forced back into the office, I literally had meltdowns on a regular basis and it was so embarassing. I didn't understand what was going on but just recently it dawned on me that I have been masking all these years and becoming a homebody during covid removed the mask. I just didn't put all of this together until recently. Sorry for the long winded explanation.
I have GAD with panic attacks that I take medicine for. But despite taking an adhd test for my therapist and being told I'm most likely on the spectrum, I was never told that I actually have adhd. My siblings also had me take an autism test and I could have that as well. I'm 32 and am going to make an appointment with a pyschiatrist to figure this stuff out. Also I had to look up RSD when you mentioned it and saw my childhood right in the definition!
the same thing happened to me! my psychiatrist and counselors when i was 17 both told me that i probably had adhd but because i got good grades they wanted to treat the GAD first...but then i couldn't get anyone to treat my adhd because they didn't document it.. years have gone by and several counselors (who said they can't diagnose things) have told me they think i clearly have adhd...but then i'm left alone to find treatment and kept getting overwhelmed about it for years again...finally at 35 my pcp sent me to get official diagnosis testing. it is so incredibly frustrating to know you need help, have 'professionals' know you need help, have family know you need help...but be left alone to try to find it without help, especially without a lot of money and with potentially adhd which makes it hard to go through all the steps yourself to get the diagnosis and help you need. my roommate having adhd and pushing me to try again to tell my pcp really was helpful, because i kept forgetting or being intimidated to address it.
As a 6'1" white chic, I've had to mask any anger or irritation because I'm immediately perceived as aggressive and am considered "intimidating" even though I force a smile 24/7... being very late diagnosed AuDHD (at 46) I'm learning how to drop that pleasant southern lady mask because the self betrayal that comes with that is no longer more important than preserving the feelings of others.
Healthy boundaries are hard to create but very important. Im also perceived as intimidating as a 6'4 male when upset. So people used to try to keep me in a box by means of bullying and exclusion. I always tried to be on the good side of people and question if what I did or said was done right for the other person. Nowadays I try to do just what I think is right and im sure of myself that I do things with the best intentions in mind. So being a egoistic is a good thing because thats what society is filled with. When you start putting up those healthy boundaries you can quickly identify who is meant to stay and who is not.
54 yo, diagnosed at 52. Specific memories of school - especially the dreaded "eyes on the board please." That phrase screwed me up. If I looked at the board, I would zone out and get yelled at. If I doodled I was taking in the information but all the teachers thought I was screwing off. The worst bit was the Catch 22. And we were hit at school. Huge collection of paddles. I was scared shitless of those paddles. They ran my anxiety all through K-8. All 9 years I was the only pupil who never got a single swat. I sobbed with the diagnosis because I've masked to fit in my entire life.
I’m 37 I’ve been diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder and major depressive disorder - I’m on x3 medications that don’t seem to help - I’ve tried talking therapies such as high/low intensity CBT - counselling - I’ve tried mindfulness meditation hypnotherapy - I think I’ve lost count and nothing helps My life has fallen apart, I’m fully dependant financially on my partner and the government since I’ve lost my job now due to long term / recurrent sickness I don’t have contact / access to or with my daughter who I haven’t seen now for 5 years What do you do to begin to hope - take first steps to turning it all around? I feel like I’ve tried it all, I’ve been on every waiting list I can’t afford private healthcare and the NHS just can’t seem to manage my circumstance / condition
Age 36, I have FINALLY been put forward for a referral for AuDHD by my GP. Same as many, I have been misdiagnosed with GAD or similar for yeeeeeears. I actually reached out myself and asked for the self assessment form. I scored so highly she immediately referred me. Let the games begin.
Wow “the amount of parties that I left without saying goodbye…” that tracks. Maybe I have autism as well on top of my ADHD. Thanks for the great interview!
Psychedelics definitely have potential to deal with mental health symptoms like anxiety and depression, I would like to try them again but it's just so hard to source out here
I’ve been researching on psychedelics and it’s benefits to individuals dealing with Anxiety, Depression, ADHD and from my findings, they really work and I’ve been eager to get some for a while but its been difficult to get my hands on them.
The Trips I've been having really helped me a lot. I’m now able to meditate and I finally feel in control of my emotions and my future and things that used to be mundane to me now seem incredible and full of nuance on top of that I'm way less driven by my ego and I have alot more empathy as well
@@Eddington451 I feel the same way . I put too much on my plate and it definitely affects my stress and anxiety levels. I am also glad to be a part of this community.
I am in the process of being diagnosed adhd/autism, I am 29 years old. as I've gotten older, for me I've felt my "mask" slipping, either that or I have noticed something is different for me to go and get tested. I have been in therapy for most of my 20s, I've seen about 8 different psychologists and have been diagnosed GAD, Anxiety based phobias, panic disorder and depression in the past in my teen years. It's only been recently with my new psychologist in our SECOND session together, where she mentioned testing after I spoke about my childhood and the rage that I experience and how it's been getting worse as I've gotten older. I'm also a mum now (She's 2 and a half) and since becoming a parent, is when I've been struggling the most menially and emotionally and even financially too (the financial is not all on my daughter to clarify, but as an emotional outlet of over-spending). It's going to be such a relief to finally feel like I belong and watching these types of videos with other people with adhd/autism as well, I've always been able to adapt so well into situations that I feel like a fake person sometimes because I just want people to like me because a lot of the time, I don't like myself - that's the "lovely" low self esteem for you. I'm only just scratching the surface of my own personal journey and I want to personally thank both of you and others for being so open
Hi there. You sound a lot like my daughter who hasn’t had an adhd test yet but believes she has it. I believe a lot of her anxiety is stemming from being undiagnosed . Her psychiatrist won’t test her but that’s her job. I’m going to tell her to try a dif one that will do her job.
@@wellnesscanceradvocate8564 wow, yes definitely seek another opinion, it took me 8 different phsychologists for my recent one to finally test me, though I never thought of testing myself prior but you would think with therapy and talking about my history and things I do, that someone would have mentioned it... I wish you and your daughter all the best 💞
The sooner you get to understand finances the better you will feel, that and exercise. You can teach yourself to understand finances? Make learning about money and finances your own favorite hobby or have fun with it. Not beet yourself up over it . Have self compassion 👍😊
What is the sunflower lanyard she was referring to? I think that I and some other people need or would like one... Thanks! Okay, that feeling she's describing right here: 16:06 When was the last time you felt truly 100% unmasked and this made you feel uncomfortable to feel like you're being yourself? It reminds me of what being in jail in my state of America felt like a long time ago. I really needed a sunflower lanyard back then, and I think if it had already existed, it would have helped me out immensely. I know it's important for me to acknowledge this right now. Thanks again and take care.
19:16 I do one last swing around the event, individually saying goodbye to the new people I want to hang out with again. I say something generic like: [generic how much fun I had] [generic I get burned out by late/large/new social things so im about to head home] [specific reference to doing activity together we talked about previously + give my number] [generic throw in general availability next week ex after 6. thursday/friday] [well wishes, generic leaving excuse to say by to rest of people] It's what's happening, it's quick, it "makes sense" so its not off putting, it clarifies its not a nicety & you do want to hangout again
Almost everyone masks to one extent or another. Neurodivergent people just have to do it more because they are further off the typical. When I was young I never masked until my mom told me no one would like me if I kept behaving as I did (blunt, literal, and very certain of my opinions.) While she may have been correct I still often miss the strong willed little girl with a tender heart. I do think she is coming back a bit as I work through things.
PLEASE HELP: I am from the UK and I have been fighting with myself for YEARS wondering what is wrong with me, looking up all different mental health disorders, being diagnosed with anxiety, depression, low self esteem. But I always felt there is something else wrong with me, so I’ve looked up every mental health condition under the sun, related with some symptoms but then looking at the whole picture and not really thinking it could be those things as I also had conflicting traits. But this video, I have never related to anything more in my whole entire life. Everything that has been said I can relate to on such a huge level and I feel like this is a breakthrough. But I’m 24 now and have no idea how to go about getting a real diagnosis. How do I go about this? I’ve always been in such a conflict with myself and never been able to explain how I feel or why, and I’ve always felt so massively misunderstood to the point that I am doubting myself when other people challenge me about certain traits. I’ve always felt completely on guard and worrying and anxious and wanting to conquer the world, but when it comes to things I’m extremely forgetful and lack motivation. There is a real sense of constant shame for this but also feeling completely helpless in how to fix this or re-wire my brain. Any help/advice would be massively appreciated.
Copy and paste everything you just said (above) to a piece of paper and show it to your Family Doctor so they can read it. And ask for a referral to a Psychologist. Once you get that referral then you can talk to them and hopefully they can help. Just be aware that the process is slow - may take several months - so you will have to be patient. I am also in the process of doing this as well. If you don't have a family doctor, try speaking to someone at the walk in clinic or the ER dept. Mental health is very important and you should not be ignored.
I hear you and totally understand where you’re at as I’m re-experiencing the same thing now. I recently found a psychiatry office in my state (US) that offers virtual evaluations (might be several appointments in order to break down your mask) and got mine scheduled about 2 weeks out from when I called. Mine is with a psychiatric physicians assistant so depending on where you live you may not need to go as high as a psychiatrist or psychologist. Happy to answer any more questions you have!! Also I found the book “Women and Girls on the Autism Spectrum” by Sarah Hendrickx to be super enlightening and validating if you want to check it out!
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I am wondering if those skits re: RSD by your friend Lana are available online. I am newly diagnosed AuDHD at the age of 54 and trying really hard to understand RSD in all it's forms.
This so resonates with me. I am 53 now and I was diagnosed earlier this year with Autism after being on the waiting list for 2 years. I am now on the Psychiatry UK waiting list for ADHD assessment. Going through the Autism assessment I had all my school reports age 5 to 16 and knowing what I know now about ASD and ADHD it is so obvious to me that I have both. I can see in my school reports that during the last few years at Primary School I started to mask - people please and so on. I'm learning about how I have Alexithymia and when I was younger OCD and RSD as well as how my neurodiversity affects my diet. I have never been diagnosed with mental health issues before and that could be because of the Alexithymia and I also have Aphantasia so I tend to live more in present as I can't visualise which can affect memory of occasions and incidents. Hitting the menopause is causing symptoms to intensify particularly the overwhelm. I don't to have meltdowns as people recognise it is more shutdown and hiding away from people to recover.
I get what Ellie is saying about misunderstandings - as I reached 40's plus it wasn't a case of not caring it was a case of realising didn't have to say yes and put self out as people will/can understand if you say no they are not going to hate you or think bad of you. You also start to recognise with experience to be kinder to yourself and accept not everyone is going to understand or like you.
I’m demoralised for the most part. Late diagnosed. The wins are so sparse and the struggling is constant. The wish for that to be understood is painful. It’s magical when we see each other more wholly. Sometimes I tell myself how brave it is to keep trying to ‘do the thing’, despite knowing it rarely feels enough. Essentially, I need my own extra human to be by my side to coach me through every bloomin action, also a lottery win and a cleaner- anyone feeling generous!? :) ADHDers should be called Trudge-Flopping-Windy-Whizz-Bangers
I can really relate to what Elli said about masking. I´. m 33 f and was diagnosed with depression in 2021 and with ADHD this year. For me masking has been something I´ve done subcontiously for as long as I can remember even as a little kid. So I don´t really know who I am. I think I am the closest to the "real" me when I am with either of my 2 best friends because even with my family I slip into the role of the daughter or younger sister and I don´t really show my family when I feeling really down because I don´t want to burden them. Getting my ADHD diagnosis explained so much about my childhood in hindsight it´s really surprising that no one noticed before. But I think it also has to do with the fact that my mum has undiagnosed ADHD had to deal with it for 67 years.
im suuuuupppperrrr high masking and was only diagnosed with adhd as a child. ive thought myself how insane it is that psychologists and other health professionals couldnt see through the masking. that was in like the year 2000 though.
I did the exact opposite. I gravitated to the outsiders. And when they speak of chameleons. I was one and I just thought I was an open flexible person. But what I discovered i was anything but flexible and I not only had no clue who I was or how to be authentic. But so utterly burnt out I’ve been self isolated for over 10 years. But was very much like she explains.
I hate feeling like this it really gets me down , I hate feeling that as I child I was told by both my parents that "children should be seen and not heard" and when I had a valid point to make my parents would both tell me I could have opinions when I am 16 ( I was maybe 13 or 14 and was bullied at school and had no friends , my parents never assisted me in any school work) , when I got to 16 the goals posts moved to "when you get a job then you can have a opinion , whenever I challenged this notion they said"your being difficult and if you do not like these rules maybe you should move out" this was there "GO TO SAYING" our rules our house. Now I really struggle to feel like I am listened to and this effects me as I feel like I cannot fully explain myself to my wife as she is calm and I am ANGRY , I have now recently discovered as a 51 year old that these emotions and my inability to control them is due to recently being diagnosed as having ADHD and also this is due to "neglect and being alone without my parents and having to be in charge ie I am the oldest so therefore I am in charge at home when they were out at the pub getting hammered , my dad cheated on my mum on many occasions so all my life I have felt alone. You said to try to take yourself away from the situation but I find it so hard in that moment to have some form of clarity to make the right judgement call , and even if the other person has done me wrong or inconvenienced me , my actions always seem like the greatest inconvenience and this effects my immediate family ie wife and kids. The actions of others which cause me emotional dysregulation then impact me and everyone around me , this is really getting me down and I sometimes feel that the way out would be to drink loads of alcohol and take lots of tablets and just kill myself , then all this shit will go away. Sorry for the long message I felt compelled to get these thoughts out as I often cannot get out of my "children should be seen and not heard mentality" anyway I am writing this in the hope that I am not the only one feeling this way. I really feel alone in my thoughts and my wife tells me that I am my own person but I choose to make the safe stupid mistakes , but I cannot help feeling sadness and feeling depressed that my other half and my children would be better of without me , ever me being dead or just living alone. Your youtube clip cut me pretty hard but it does not resonate with anyone else , I am struggling so bad to keep my thoughts to myself and I feel that when ever "mr angry turns up" it is misinterpreted as "you do not care" I do but I just really struggle. Anyway nobody will be interested or reply , so have a Wonderful Day. M
hi there, i’m so sorry to hear that’s what you’ve been going through for your whole life. I was told some similar things and it’s awful to grow up feeling like you’re doing things “wrong”. you were just a CHILD. Sigh. pls reach out if you’d wanna talk. I’d love to listen
The legend herself Ellie speaks!!! The unmasking part is so true. People will react very differently based on who you are as a person. If I unmasked, people would not be kind towards someone like me. Im a man of color and it's very true. Women, people of color etc are more likely to be late diagnosed or undiagnosed, because the traits are looked over and past for people like us, and we don't get the same treatment and help needed. The trying to fit in with the popular kids is soo true lol, I was guilty of doing this in middle school, because i thought that i would be safe and loved, if i was associated with the cool kids, and felt insecure about being around the unpopular kids, but those thoughts were wrong. I agree, its good to have a few true friends, than 100 fake friends. I was diagnosed with autism at a young age, but I struggled too, and faced discrimination for it.
Diagnosed at 39. Bipolar, OCD and anxiety... Nope, autistic and ADHD. Now I can barely handle any socializing If any. Maybe 10 minutes, I completely burned out. Making changes though
I remember watching popular people, especially one of them and the way she talks how she jokes the way she moves and certain clothes actually thought I’d be liked more if I did all that stuff I also remember studying human behavior so much I mean, not as an interest, but also as a need and needing to dance and take acting after high school just in my head, it was to become human. It really was. I always felt like I needed to learn how to become human or become like a real person like Pinocchio needed to become a real boy, but I’ve been diagnosed supposedly with this and then anxiety, but then it became bipolar, but then someone thought all of that was more due to my ADD and when I had a niece was born with autism, and I tried every medication and everything else but still having the same problems that were the main problems Realize I’m most likely high masking as well as a lot of them in my family so anyways, I don’t know what I am now but I know it’s a combination of things and most AudHD Really want to know for health reasons because while medication help me, they haven’t solved anything major as far as how I think and how I navigate my way through the world they’ve either help with my mood or spread me off or slow me down by them and more than just the executive function things you think a stimulant would help so at the end of the day if I ever go back to work or go back to school, I really wanna Understand what I’ve gotten into so many programs and I’ve been asked to leave hundreds of thousand dollars later and been demoralized and wonder how I got in if it was so hard for me to understand and so this is a real problem and it will ruin your life, so I hope there’s a lot more help for people like mewomen who are pretty smart on in life because your whole life will be ruined and you’ll be so tired of disappointing people in spite of your effort and no one deserves this
Damn. I felt all of that. That’s been my life. I’ve kept my job in tech for the last 5 years and people have been asking me for tips… I’m like y’all don’t understand, I’ve been studying how to be human for so long I just adapt to these people and move around enough so they don’t know how to hate me lol. Bring remote makes that easier so they never see the real me again and they know nothing.i like to keep it that way.
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!
Psychedelic is the answer to most severe anxiety and depression. The use of magic mushrooms completely helps one get over depression and makes you feel like yourself.
I apologize, but my ears are bleeding (....)... Leaving a group of people is difficult. I just want to stand up, and leave. But then I know people will start to talk about me and how weird I was. So I don"t leave, ha ha! The normal thing is to stand up and say "this has been nice, buit now I have to go. See you soon!..." I should feel like I am running my own life, but often I act like a hostage in social situations. Can"t enjoy more than 30 mins with people. Then the boredom sets in
Firstly, great channel, and v stimulating content. Just to question some things though. I think even Nt, not just nd have to mask themselves. Picking up on accents around you, wearing what other people wear, leaving parties early without explanation, surely this doesn't simply make someone Nd? Finding who we truly are is difficult for anyone and we all need a sense of belonging otherwise we wouldn't survive. In terms of social battery, if someone is v introverted that will also runout quite quickly, doesn't necessarily make them Nd? Or is what they are saying is that Nd have to do this even more than Nt people? Any feedback welcome!
Masking by ND people goes usually MUCH deeper and may have catastrophic consequences. Everyone masks their trueself from time to time - that is what NTs experience but the ND masking experience on average can be absolutely harrowing. ND masking means for many of us that at no point we feel safe to be us, to the point that many of us have terrible identity crisis. There is a big part of us who actively loathe ourselves because without our mask we could face bullying for our (harmless!) symptoms. Something other ND people have pointed out which describes the ND masking experience painfully well is that we fear being seen - ACTUALLY seen - at all. Some of us cannot even take off the mask when we are alone, many of us are deeply ashamed of who we are. This level of masking is on average VERY different from average NT masking. It might be comparable to an extreme version of people pleasing and fawning - erasing yourself wherever you go, no matter how much you destroy yourself, so you won't be met with abandonement and bullying for being disabled. Of course this does not apoly the same to all ND or all NT people but the differences are far too big to ignore because being disabled makes you an easier target for standing out, therefore inherently more vulnerable to criticism or mistreatment. Masking to a high degree can be insanely harmful.
Hi I am new I thought my menopause was ruining my life.. then my therapist told me I have a lot of symptoms of ADHD. I am shocked, but not surprised. I never really knew. I knew I was different. to organized too good at people pleasing high, achieving very hard on myself. I just thought I was some crazy high functioning person and then my therapist read me a list and it made me cry because I resonated with so many things on the list for female presentation of ADHD. I am getting tested next week. It’s 2024. I don’t know how old this post is from but I wonder if you’ve ever done any research or any podcast on menopause and the presentation of ADHD? I’m not sure if you could email me because I don’t know if I’ll be able to look in the comments. Or if there is somewhere I can privately. Get some answers to some questions about menopause and ADHD. Any insight would be so helpful. I am slightly happy that I might know what’s going on with me but terrified at the same time thank you for being such a good platform. I haven’t felt comfortable to talk to anyone about this.
I guess I mask too. Lol I feel maybe it's normal? Jud makes u feel more comfortable to blend in where ya fit in? I'm diagnosed ADD. So fascinating this podcast! Love this episode. My dad had severe ADHD. This week has been the worst. He unalived himself Saturday night and I'm a mess. Anyway wanted to give origin of where it came from. Dad had adhd and mom has ADD. Growing up I knew for a fact I was different. had no idea when I was young bc ppl only thought adhd was boys. I jus thought I was slow but NOPE! jus neurodiverence. I'm 35 now. Here to learn. I have huge issues with eating and I need help. I can't gain I'm like 98 lbs
Leaving a party without saying goodbye is the strategically smart thing to do. Most people are drunk, it will take forever to say goodbye, they will try and get you to stay but won't remember it anyway. So if you just leave, it's way quicker, less draining, less annoying, and people don't really notice because they are drunk anyway. So don't worry that people think you were rude. It's the best way to leave. They are more likely to miss remember you to be rude if you try and say goodbye to everyone and they drunkenly try to get you to stay and create an awkward situation because they are drunk. Just go, and text them the next day that it was a great party and lovely to see them. 🤷
Her story sounds a bit like bipolair aswel... at the beginning of the video she almost described a manic followed by an depressed episode. Does anyone know more of this difference and the overlapse, I kinda recognize myself in it aswel and In my childhood, I was diagnosed with ADHD. Later, dysthymic disorders were added to my diagnosis. After that, borderline personality disorder was added. However, borderline personality disorder was later removed, and it was replaced with obsessive-compulsive disorder with borderline traits. At the age of 29, I was diagnosed with autism, specifically PDD-NOS. This immediately raised questions about my other diagnoses, which needed to be re-evaluated, but I decided not to pursue further testing at that time. Additionally, I was diagnosed with PTSD, which remains part of my diagnosis. ADHD or ADD has always been a clear and confirmed diagnosis
Something wrong with your video. Cut off Ellie when she was explaining what her first page on boundaries would say. Video went black and then jumped to something unrelated. I stopped the video and may check back later if the video gets fixed.
She has such a kind presence and voice. If someone is snapping that is one thing and an NT person can see that it isn’t a reaction specifically towards them… But from what I have seen is some ND people will say incredibly mean and specific things while they are snapping… Which becomes personal and abusive in the eyes of a NT person. It IS abuse no matter what diagnosis the ND person has and we need to acknowledge this. I think expecting people to not see clear abuse as abuse, just because we may have a diagnosable struggle is wrong and incredibly dangerous. If that is accepted then what is to prevent all abusive people from claiming a supposed mental illness to give them permission to do this? Their partner should just accept it due to them having a diagnosable struggle? Hmmm… Yes these ideas put us as a society in very dangerous territory.
I’m curious how the diagnosis has made a difference in your life. Have you taught yourself the skills to get through your day and various situations? If so where is this help found? As far as I can see high functioning asd don’t have any kind of resources available.
My 15 yr. old daughter has the same diagnosis and is going through what Ellie is referring to. I am curious to learn how the relationship with parents and siblings were growing up. My daughter is definitely busy in herself and does not relate to anyone in the family and often gets mad at us.
I have adhd. I am in Spain, right now and really struggling with the food situation. I'm also a vegetarian. The smells, looks and textures of spanish food is making me feel sick .. it stinks Masking .. where do I even begin 🤦🏾♀️
I was diagnosed as AuDHD this summer. I'm 42. All my life I have been treated with medication for "depression" and "anxiety" because I used to ask my GP why am I swinging between feeling completely overwhelmed and excruciatingly underwhelmed and numb... I was always told it was anxiety and depression. Now I start to realise I've been so exhausted by masking that I've lived my whole life either about to burn out, in burn out, or recovering from burnout. I wish I'd been diagnosed earlier as so much makes sense now and I realise the last 40 years didn't need to be this hard.
❤❤❤ same.
Same here
@@BanjoPixelSnackand it will keep on happening until they radically change the criteria to reflect how autism presents in most girls
45, diagnosed audhd too. I relate to every single word in your comment 🙏
Same... Hello new friend group!
Diagnosed at 42. I masked my whole life. I told a few people I am
Close to, about my diagnosis and they look at you with disbelief. I understand why. I put on a great show of perfectionism and “normal.” I felt like I was trying to present the “evidence” to sway the few people I told to believe me. I don't owe anyone an explanation. I decided no one else needed to know what I was going through. Its too personal.
Yes!!!!!!!!
I am 42 and I am just realizing I am on the spectrum and I was forced to be right handed since my early childhood years when I was born left handed . I am just realizing the deep effects it had on my entire life and how much I tried to be “ normal and accepted “ and truly a false version of myself …
@@ElenaVasilenka I feel you! The path forward is living in truth. 💗
Be grateful it wasn't 62 (my story).
@@dianeallen1143 I am sure you are overwhelmed with emotions. You're not alone in this journey. Many of us are also navigating the waves of mourning and reflection. Discovering a diagnosis later in life is indeed a challenging reality to face. It prompts a deep introspection and a life review that can be quite intense to process.
Along with saying “I love you,” something that really helps me and my partner is that we’ll both share “I appreciate you being calm when I got overstimulated; I’m sorry I raised my voice,” which provides clear context around the behavior, takes accountability, and voices gratitude for the other person’s kindness and patience in a stressful situation.
As well as saying, “I understand why you got upset, we’re okay” on the receiving end to make sure the person knows their feelings are valid / they’re understood / and everything is okay between both people.
Also, on another note, the “too much / not enough” is the bane of my existence…
Talking about masking to fit in, I've realised one thing I do is try to present the best possible image of myself - my successes, my plans for the future etc. I think this can come accross as quite boastful and of course, why would anyone think there was something wrong with me when I'm always giving off that everything is absolutely fantastic.
I have the same man. Now suffering from CFS because of this… hope I can fix the CFS when I know who I really am
Did you solve this masking problem? And how did you fix it?
This podcast has changed my life. I’ve booked a private assessment x
May I ask why
If masking is such a big part of neuro divergence, the diagnosis standards need to drastically change to account for that. Just saying, we missed it because you didn't show it is victim blaming. In reality it's a gigantic failing of the people doing the diagnosing.
If appointments are only 20 min or 50 min, you can totally pretend to be normal the whole time and the psychiatrist can't really tell. You have to have a longer session where there is masking fatigue so you can see the signs peek through the masking. That's one reason why so much is missed.
It dates back to when they thought girls didn't get it. They didn't think people with ADHD would mask either.
Diagnostic guidelines need updating radically
@@Laura-il5loInteresting explanation. I wonder if that will happen in the future.
They did the best they could with what they knew.
I am 44 perimenopausing so everything is off at the moment.I am scared for the diagnosis as I am not sure what am I supposed to say because I don't even know how to be my self.
Yes, the hardest part is there’s a whole lot of counseling and things about boundaries or psychodynamics and if you are neurodivergent have ADD or autism their expectations and the way they do things don’t work the same so there’s a real danger there and it can be really discouraging and demoralizing because everyone else is being helped and you’re still not being helped in spite of your best effort so you really give up on yourself so we really need a lot more specialist who well-versed in this
In 15-20 years nobody will be an ADA. They'll all have been identified in school. This is why nobody cares about this problem: if we ignore it, it WILL go away.
@@visionvixxen exactly, I read all the books, followed Heidi Priebe and all the INFJ madness, all the autism channels, Jung shadow work, human design, trauma therapy for years, recently tried PT with a biopsychosocial model. She put me in the corner to regulate my nervous system, as if that’ll ever happen in this society! Can’t get help with my actual joint injuries from EDS when they want to bucket all of our stuff into “ANS dysregulation.” EMDR didn’t work one bit. Brainspotting either. The most progress I made was stopping ALL of that. Accepting myself right here. Same with pain dr- adverse med reactions shown on genetic report, lengthy list he disregarded and harmed me. Said it was all in my head in records, soooo board complaint. They are committed to mischaracterizing us.
I also experience very extreme depression.
As a male it sucks too.
Everyone runs away.
I said to a mate the other day though, that I would rather cry everyday than never cry at all.
I hear you friend. I feel this way as well, like yourself, I experience very bad depression (I wish I went to sleep and not wake up), a male, people run away and my friends/family dismiss me - you’re right, it’s hard, BUT, you are a fighter, keep fighting. I wish you have a really good day today and keep strong 💪
I also feel the same sometimes think maybe it'd be easier if I wasn't here. We are not alone we do often feel very similar for sure. But we are fucking awesome people my friend
I am a mom of three adult males, one of whom is a highly sensitive person - always has been. He happened to be born into a family of opposites, in the sense that one parent “feels it all” and recognizes that there’s nothing wrong with shedding tears, whereas the other taught the old adage “boys don’t cry”.
My son learned to stifle that part of him at an early age, for the most part, in order to “fit in” to the expectations around him. Though male, he became quite adept at what we now call “high masking”.
Over time, he’s learned how to express himself more fully than he let himself do as a small boy.
I’d just like to say that your feelings are valid. It could be necessary for you to sort of schedule your crying time. For example, perhaps your colleagues would not appreciate you wailing while they’re concentrating, and result of your crying on the job might lead to a firing.
What about having your own time in the shower? That’s just a suggestion; I soak in the tub and use that time to process whatever I’m feeling on my own time. Generally, I have a long soak a couple of times a month; weekly, if I schedule my days the right way.
I’m not a man, obviously. Thank goodness! To those of you whose sadness and frustration gets out of your body through tears instead of fists or whatever other implements are close at hand, good for you! Feel your feelings, whatever they may be, and do so in ways that don’t hurt anyone, including yourselves. Cheers!
Hey friends, if you haven’t tried, B vitamin complex and magnesium makes the most noticeable difference for me. There are interesting nutritional things you may want to look into if you’re neurodivergent. I’m not a doc but late diag audhd. And I can feel a difference if I skip the vitamins. I’m not saying it’s an antidepressant but it turns that volume knob down for me as an anecdote. There are others I take but when I pay attention, those are the noticeable ones. Wish you all the best, it sucks living with depression your whole life
@@MonicaMolinaremotional tears contain cortisol.
Thank you so much.I was diagnosed ADHD at 8 but misdiagnosed bipolar at 23 and then not diagnosed as Autistic until 45 (THIS YEAR). It has been rough. I am still learning who I am luckily I have art and writing to help express myself.
Last year, 2 months after my 50th birthday. Nobody in my life loved me enough to notice. Not doctors, nurses, teachers, counselors, family. Nobody. People think that I shouldn't be angry about this, that I should chase "happiness", whatever delusional nonsense that is. Those people are wrong. I have every right to be furious and bitter about what has happened. Everyone in my life let me down. EVERYONE. You tell me why I should speak to ANYONE anymore.
Holding onto the anger is exhausting. You'll have to let go of it to improve your own life. My late diagnosis anger towards my childhood guardians faded about 1 yr post diagnosis.
I'm now 4 years post diagnosis and I no longer think "If I'd known then, how would my life be different."
At this stage I still have a hard time sticking to any of the lifestyle changes I've learned and tried but having the diagnosis has helped me understand myself better and be kinder to myself. Knowing why I continue to do things that have a negative impact on my life. And why I go through cycles of high energy, then don't complete the task or goal and end up with a low mode for at least a week or more or experiencing burnout from over working myself.
Don't get me wrong, i still have moments where i feel angry at the cards i was dealt. Having big (and small) goals and dreams and the inability to implement or achieve them feels like hell on earth in my opinion. It's a real mind F*ck.
Hi Katja, I relate a lot to what you shared.
@@mardellantolin2498any books/ resources you recommend? I was abused by my family and I carry a lot from that, even though I want to let it go so badly.
🤗I was diagnosed with ADHD at 8 or 9, art, music, dance, and writing have been ways to express myself, too!
I know I shouldn’t, but why is this therapy for me? This podcast once a week is so valuable to me. I always refer back what I’ve learned to my poor counsellor hahaha.
Thank you again. You guys are the best.
you arent alone. i was just literally thinking the same thing.
Anxiety and Depression are symptoms of both conditions due to our experiences
👏great comment this. This is how I see it as well. I’m diagnosed with depression and anxiety (and cptsd)…I should say, MISdiagnosed, but try telling the docs, they don’t listen, well, they don’t listen to me. Take care, all the best
THIS! They are just symptoms in general, they shouldn’t be even listed as conditions.
Love seeing Ellie back on the podcast! I resonate with her so much and makes me feel less alone
Ellie is such a smart, kind person. She helps me feel better about myself as a fellow AuDHDer. Thank you for this. 💜
Late dual diagnosed here. The two sides are always fighting it out. 😮💨
thank you Ellie for talking about the forward grief, that's where im at. I've experienced grief before (more classical grief interns of loss) so I have faith than feeling through it and letting it be is the only way to process it but was so great to hear you talk about more than just the validation that comes with diagnosis. You have a way about you that I could listen to you speak for ages!
8:14 I was diagnosed at 40, and I’ve never found my personal style. This hit me like a bus. Always trying to fit in somewhere and molding myself accordingly. Thanks for this interview!
No treatment?
Yep. I burnt out like completely at 39, recently. Anxiety they said, OCD they said, bipolar they said. Nope, autistic and ADHD
@@jonnyenough1531 oh really?! Want a cookie?
Yes, “I snapped because I was overstimulated” is revolutionary because people can also take steps to avoid being overstimulated. Or they can take meaningful steps to calm themselves down if they’re overstimulated. Awareness of the causes of our actions is SO helpful!
What are steps to calm oneself?
@@user-mj6qr2ky9d I'm not a medic... but try to figure out what you need at that time; mostly food, rest, hygiene, quiet... etc... look up ways to accommodate yourself.
Ever since i was diagnosed i started to fixate on learning more about adhd and just made me isolate but when i do get around people i show them the version of me that everyone gets along with
Such a great interview…got me into a real good healing cry and a great reminder to call one of my dear few friends who loves me as I am
Ellie is brilliant. Thanks for having her on the pod. So interesting 👏
Ooof--the forward grief got me. Once the understanding sunk in, I've realized this is where I am. Working on how to turn this around. TYSM!
Thank you, awesome interview. This made me cry for the fact it was so relatable. I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD at 54 & now 2 years later believe it’s autism as well.
I was diagnosed with autism at 42, and adhd at 44, its been a long hard life 😢 and being an adult now there us no support, adults get no help, only children get help
My kids are getting no support either
Sending you love! 42 and just realizing all this about myself here too
I was also diagnosed with autism at 42 and ADHD. Pretty perplexing……
One time I felt really embarrassed and snuck out of a party and texted my friend when I got home to let her know. I didn’t really connect this with my neurodivergence. Great insight! ❤
So insightful. I related to all that Ellie shared, very helpful. Thank you for producing such great content Alex.
Omg this is so relatable 😭 I have been following you, Ellie, for some time already on LinkedIn, but never really got to actually watch some of your interviews or into reading your books (hi, ADHD me) - but now I see I have been missing big time here! It's so refreshing to see an AuDHD woman explaining how things work from female perspective
The way I describe the AuDHD control is like a Star Trek bridge with a bunch of different me at the different stations, with the addition of a sailing ship steering wheel.
I'm at the wheel and my ADHD Goblin is on one side and my Autism Dwarf is on the other side and we are all steering the ship.
When our goals are aligned it's super easy to steer the ship if one has a better grip then it has more influence that direction and when they balance each other I can still steer but it's "stiffer" like old school non powered steering. Which is the most common.
THAT’S WHAT IT FEELS LIKE IN MY HEAD EXACTLY!!!
I loved going to gigs and festivals in my 20s, I would say I was really nerdy about the music I listened to and got on well with alot of people in the music scene. I was very hyper and full on joker at these times, but behind that had alot of anxiety/paranoia about how I was perceived.
I was trying to fit in and felt I never new enough, I guess I masked alot.
There were always a few people I Didn't mix well with and I felt alot of impostor syndrome.
I still love my music but I don't don't socialise or listen to or retain information anymore.
I Feel my music loves, hobbies and interests and melting away and it's extremely isolating.
when she said is everyone finding it difficult or is it just me, literally how I felt for the 18 years I wasn't diagnosed, I always thought "everyone finds it difficult I just have to push through"
I feel so seen and heard! Thank you!! 🥰
I was in therapy for two year's and I said I'm getting along great with this ADHD and I was told no you've BPD. Although fitted the traits of BPD I always thought myself I'm Autistic with ADHD.
Thankfully these days I cope so it doesn't matter but these are not a million miles away from each other.
I’d like to send you a research paper about BPD that might help you to advocate for yourself. It’s a feminist analysis of why BPD is mostly diagnosed in women and why it may not even exist in the clinical way it’s been defined.
@emilyhernandezthegoodvibe ya, why not. I love new knowledge.
Yay love that there's another of Ellie on this podcast ☺️ just finished her first book. Defo will go read the second
I've never felt more seen, heard or understood, thank you so much 🥹❤️ I was late diagnosed at 34 two years ago and it's been a journey. The cycles of high and burnout is literally my life, currently in a burnout period now and feel so so so comforted to know I'm not alone. Thank you so much ❤️
I am going through the diagnosis process right now at 35 yrs old. Idk if it is just ADHD or autism as well but it is like i have 2 brains CONSTANTLY fighting over power that day..that hour. I never knew u could have both until this year. I feel like a whiner bc no one around me gets it! Thank goodness for everyone voicing their struggles about things like this. It is the first time in my life that I dont feel like I am in an invisible war.
I'm a 6'5" white-ish guy, and its true, gotta mask for the most part. Quality guest, great insights.
White-ish?
@@Seánybruv Mediterranean ...though lumped in with Caucasians usually. 🫒
@@AD-DomBro if you’re European and olive skinned you’re white.
The part at about 21:50 about not texting someone back and it getting more and more awkward is so real!
I had a pretty bad example of that recently that I'm not proud of...
When I'm burnt out it can feel really gross and vulnaranle to explain to someone how overwhelmed you are with anxiety and ADHD issues that you can't talk right now... especially when you dont have a tangable external reason or "excuse" to give them...
I know I should't need to "justify" it to them but I've been conditioned through years of being seen as a letdown for stuff like regularly wanting to not attend, or leave social events early...
I always hated that feeling and internalized that guilt and it wasn't until recently, in my late 20's, that I realized how damaging that was...
Explaining AuDHD as seasons of one or the other being at the forefront is exactly how I've felt my whole life! I've definitely felt a degree of conflict between the two at times but I think the majority of my life has been more akin to a revolving door of whichever side of me has the reigns. Thank you for explaining it in this way!
As lifelong masker trying to learn more about my neurodivergence I feel like I'm so behind on articulating my own feelings as I've been stuck in such a prolonged stage of denying them to myself. I feel like this entire interview has given me so many more ways to vocalize my experience to the people in my life and to myself.
I’m high functioning, high masking, and my tactic was to make myself as in invisible as possible. I’m much older than you both, and as a child the doctor told my mum I was ‘highly strung’, and was extremely intelligent with no way to deal with it 🙄
The dedication to the graveyard of domain names got me from the very start! 😅
Same! I had to laugh because this is me!
😂 That hit hard!
I feel called out once a week on my shit it hurts laughing xD
Me too! And the last one I listened to hit me deep too - when your intuition warns you off someone, and everyone thinks you're being melodramatic, then that person turns out to be the SC of the earth but Noone apoligies for ridiculing or defriending you. Ah feel so home at last with everyone here. ❤
I sometimes find domains I totally forgot I owned, but my worst I can remember is forgetting to call my aunt to let her know I was running behind and had to cancel my visit. That was 8 years ago. I just realized that. We haven't spoken since.😔
Unable to listen to it today, mind drifts away as soon as Ellie starts talking... 😢
Really loved this one, as a fellow Audhder- felt very seen 🥰
Huge cost especially when you do it your entire life and then don’t know who you actually are
I feel that at 56 years. So weird.
feeling that way at 19. i don’t remember the last time i was fully myself
This was a fantastic interview.
Glad I stumbled on your channel today! Subbed.
I was diagnosed with Autism last week at 47. I had the same experience where I unknowingly unmasked during covid.
Unknowingly unmasked?
@@canUfeelMYface I didn't know I had Autism nor ever thought it was possible. I've spent my entire life knowing I was different, but didn't understand why. Because girls weren't tested in the 80's, it went unnoticed and I was forced to conform to society. I never fit in and thought I'm just really weird or quirky. In order to fit in, I'd watch others and make sure I do what they do. And thus started masking. When covid hit, I went from 20+years of working in a stressful office environment to working from home for a couple years. During that time, I didn't go out much and while I was working from home, I could be myself. And slowly, over time, the real me began to emerge (even though I didn't notice). But when we were forced back into the office, I literally had meltdowns on a regular basis and it was so embarassing. I didn't understand what was going on but just recently it dawned on me that I have been masking all these years and becoming a homebody during covid removed the mask. I just didn't put all of this together until recently. Sorry for the long winded explanation.
Diagnosed at 31. Life has begun again but it’s hard to not grieve for what could have been.
I have GAD with panic attacks that I take medicine for. But despite taking an adhd test for my therapist and being told I'm most likely on the spectrum, I was never told that I actually have adhd. My siblings also had me take an autism test and I could have that as well. I'm 32 and am going to make an appointment with a pyschiatrist to figure this stuff out. Also I had to look up RSD when you mentioned it and saw my childhood right in the definition!
the same thing happened to me! my psychiatrist and counselors when i was 17 both told me that i probably had adhd but because i got good grades they wanted to treat the GAD first...but then i couldn't get anyone to treat my adhd because they didn't document it.. years have gone by and several counselors (who said they can't diagnose things) have told me they think i clearly have adhd...but then i'm left alone to find treatment and kept getting overwhelmed about it for years again...finally at 35 my pcp sent me to get official diagnosis testing. it is so incredibly frustrating to know you need help, have 'professionals' know you need help, have family know you need help...but be left alone to try to find it without help, especially without a lot of money and with potentially adhd which makes it hard to go through all the steps yourself to get the diagnosis and help you need. my roommate having adhd and pushing me to try again to tell my pcp really was helpful, because i kept forgetting or being intimidated to address it.
As a 6'1" white chic, I've had to mask any anger or irritation because I'm immediately perceived as aggressive and am considered "intimidating" even though I force a smile 24/7... being very late diagnosed AuDHD (at 46) I'm learning how to drop that pleasant southern lady mask because the self betrayal that comes with that is no longer more important than preserving the feelings of others.
Healthy boundaries are hard to create but very important. Im also perceived as intimidating as a 6'4 male when upset. So people used to try to keep me in a box by means of bullying and exclusion. I always tried to be on the good side of people and question if what I did or said was done right for the other person. Nowadays I try to do just what I think is right and im sure of myself that I do things with the best intentions in mind. So being a egoistic is a good thing because thats what society is filled with. When you start putting up those healthy boundaries you can quickly identify who is meant to stay and who is not.
So how are u dealing with ur irritation or anger now???
Late diganosis at 24? Try 59. Gen Xers women are a lost generation. Few of us know what is wrong with them.
I was 35 when diagnosed. I'm so mad at all the problems it caused in my life, I am very behind.
58 for autism and waiting for my ADHD diagnosis to be official
54 yo, diagnosed at 52. Specific memories of school - especially the dreaded "eyes on the board please."
That phrase screwed me up. If I looked at the board, I would zone out and get yelled at.
If I doodled I was taking in the information but all the teachers thought I was screwing off.
The worst bit was the Catch 22.
And we were hit at school. Huge collection of paddles.
I was scared shitless of those paddles. They ran my anxiety all through K-8. All 9 years I was the only pupil who never got a single swat.
I sobbed with the diagnosis because I've masked to fit in my entire life.
I concur!!
I’m 37 I’ve been diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder and major depressive disorder - I’m on x3 medications that don’t seem to help - I’ve tried talking therapies such as high/low intensity CBT - counselling - I’ve tried mindfulness meditation hypnotherapy - I think I’ve lost count and nothing helps
My life has fallen apart, I’m fully dependant financially on my partner and the government since I’ve lost my job now due to long term / recurrent sickness
I don’t have contact / access to or with my daughter who I haven’t seen now for 5 years
What do you do to begin to hope - take first steps to turning it all around?
I feel like I’ve tried it all, I’ve been on every waiting list
I can’t afford private healthcare and the NHS just can’t seem to manage my circumstance / condition
Age 36, I have FINALLY been put forward for a referral for AuDHD by my GP. Same as many, I have been misdiagnosed with GAD or similar for yeeeeeears. I actually reached out myself and asked for the self assessment form. I scored so highly she immediately referred me. Let the games begin.
Wow “the amount of parties that I left without saying goodbye…” that tracks. Maybe I have autism as well on top of my ADHD. Thanks for the great interview!
Psychedelics definitely have potential to deal with mental health symptoms like anxiety and depression, I would like to try them again but it's just so hard to source out here
I’ve been researching on psychedelics and it’s benefits to individuals dealing with Anxiety, Depression, ADHD and from my findings, they really work and I’ve been eager to get some for a while but its been difficult to get my hands on them.
The Trips I've been having really helped me a lot. I’m now able to meditate and I finally feel in control of my emotions and my future and things that used to be mundane to me now seem incredible and full of nuance on top of that I'm way less driven by my ego and I have alot more empathy as well
I was having this constant, unbearable anxiety due to work stress. Not until I came across a very intelligent mycologist. He saved my life honestly
@@Eddington451
I feel the same way . I put too much on my plate and it definitely affects my stress and anxiety levels. I am also glad to be a part of this community.
@@LucyFernandez628Does he deliver to various locations?
Felt this to the core
I am in the process of being diagnosed adhd/autism, I am 29 years old. as I've gotten older, for me I've felt my "mask" slipping, either that or I have noticed something is different for me to go and get tested. I have been in therapy for most of my 20s, I've seen about 8 different psychologists and have been diagnosed GAD, Anxiety based phobias, panic disorder and depression in the past in my teen years. It's only been recently with my new psychologist in our SECOND session together, where she mentioned testing after I spoke about my childhood and the rage that I experience and how it's been getting worse as I've gotten older. I'm also a mum now (She's 2 and a half) and since becoming a parent, is when I've been struggling the most menially and emotionally and even financially too (the financial is not all on my daughter to clarify, but as an emotional outlet of over-spending). It's going to be such a relief to finally feel like I belong and watching these types of videos with other people with adhd/autism as well, I've always been able to adapt so well into situations that I feel like a fake person sometimes because I just want people to like me because a lot of the time, I don't like myself - that's the "lovely" low self esteem for you. I'm only just scratching the surface of my own personal journey and I want to personally thank both of you and others for being so open
Hi there. You sound a lot like my daughter who hasn’t had an adhd test yet but believes she has it. I believe a lot of her anxiety is stemming from being undiagnosed . Her psychiatrist won’t test her but that’s her job. I’m going to tell her to try a dif one that will do her job.
@@wellnesscanceradvocate8564 wow, yes definitely seek another opinion, it took me 8 different phsychologists for my recent one to finally test me, though I never thought of testing myself prior but you would think with therapy and talking about my history and things I do, that someone would have mentioned it...
I wish you and your daughter all the best 💞
The sooner you get to understand finances the better you will feel, that and exercise. You can teach yourself to understand finances? Make learning about money and finances your own favorite hobby or have fun with it. Not beet yourself up over it . Have self compassion 👍😊
To W. Keep trying new doctors until you find one that will test your daughter. It’s your right to advocate for your child.
I really enjoyed her A LOT. Relatable.
Omg. In the first 1,5 minutes I am crying. This is for the people with too many domain names. Fuck. That hit hard.
💯..everything discussed ..thank you
What is the sunflower lanyard she was referring to? I think that I and some other people need or would like one... Thanks!
Okay, that feeling she's describing right here:
16:06 When was the last time you felt truly 100% unmasked and this made you feel uncomfortable to feel like you're being yourself?
It reminds me of what being in jail in my state of America felt like a long time ago. I really needed a sunflower lanyard back then, and I think if it had already existed, it would have helped me out immensely. I know it's important for me to acknowledge this right now. Thanks again and take care.
19:16 I do one last swing around the event, individually saying goodbye to the new people I want to hang out with again. I say something generic like:
[generic how much fun I had]
[generic I get burned out by late/large/new social things so im about to head home]
[specific reference to doing activity together we talked about previously + give my number]
[generic throw in general availability next week ex after 6. thursday/friday]
[well wishes, generic leaving excuse to say by to rest of people]
It's what's happening, it's quick, it "makes sense" so its not off putting, it clarifies its not a nicety & you do want to hangout again
Almost everyone masks to one extent or another. Neurodivergent people just have to do it more because they are further off the typical.
When I was young I never masked until my mom told me no one would like me if I kept behaving as I did (blunt, literal, and very certain of my opinions.)
While she may have been correct I still often miss the strong willed little girl with a tender heart. I do think she is coming back a bit as I work through things.
You had me at "you have a graveyard of domain names" lol
PLEASE HELP: I am from the UK and I have been fighting with myself for YEARS wondering what is wrong with me, looking up all different mental health disorders, being diagnosed with anxiety, depression, low self esteem. But I always felt there is something else wrong with me, so I’ve looked up every mental health condition under the sun, related with some symptoms but then looking at the whole picture and not really thinking it could be those things as I also had conflicting traits. But this video, I have never related to anything more in my whole entire life. Everything that has been said I can relate to on such a huge level and I feel like this is a breakthrough. But I’m 24 now and have no idea how to go about getting a real diagnosis. How do I go about this? I’ve always been in such a conflict with myself and never been able to explain how I feel or why, and I’ve always felt so massively misunderstood to the point that I am doubting myself when other people challenge me about certain traits. I’ve always felt completely on guard and worrying and anxious and wanting to conquer the world, but when it comes to things I’m extremely forgetful and lack motivation. There is a real sense of constant shame for this but also feeling completely helpless in how to fix this or re-wire my brain. Any help/advice would be massively appreciated.
Copy and paste everything you just said (above) to a piece of paper and show it to your Family Doctor so they can read it. And ask for a referral to a Psychologist. Once you get that referral then you can talk to them and hopefully they can help. Just be aware that the process is slow - may take several months - so you will have to be patient. I am also in the process of doing this as well. If you don't have a family doctor, try speaking to someone at the walk in clinic or the ER dept. Mental health is very important and you should not be ignored.
I hear you and totally understand where you’re at as I’m re-experiencing the same thing now. I recently found a psychiatry office in my state (US) that offers virtual evaluations (might be several appointments in order to break down your mask) and got mine scheduled about 2 weeks out from when I called. Mine is with a psychiatric physicians assistant so depending on where you live you may not need to go as high as a psychiatrist or psychologist. Happy to answer any more questions you have!! Also I found the book “Women and Girls on the Autism Spectrum” by Sarah Hendrickx to be super enlightening and validating if you want to check it out!
🙏❤️🙏 my daughter feels this way as well. Hugs to you.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I am wondering if those skits re: RSD by your friend Lana are available online. I am newly diagnosed AuDHD at the age of 54 and trying really hard to understand RSD in all it's forms.
This so resonates with me. I am 53 now and I was diagnosed earlier this year with Autism after being on the waiting list for 2 years. I am now on the Psychiatry UK waiting list for ADHD assessment. Going through the Autism assessment I had all my school reports age 5 to 16 and knowing what I know now about ASD and ADHD it is so obvious to me that I have both. I can see in my school reports that during the last few years at Primary School I started to mask - people please and so on. I'm learning about how I have Alexithymia and when I was younger OCD and RSD as well as how my neurodiversity affects my diet. I have never been diagnosed with mental health issues before and that could be because of the Alexithymia and I also have Aphantasia so I tend to live more in present as I can't visualise which can affect memory of occasions and incidents. Hitting the menopause is causing symptoms to intensify particularly the overwhelm. I don't to have meltdowns as people recognise it is more shutdown and hiding away from people to recover.
I get what Ellie is saying about misunderstandings - as I reached 40's plus it wasn't a case of not caring it was a case of realising didn't have to say yes and put self out as people will/can understand if you say no they are not going to hate you or think bad of you. You also start to recognise with experience to be kinder to yourself and accept not everyone is going to understand or like you.
Thoroughly empathise with the washing machine constantly washing same load.
Get the boundaries conversation at work is so familiar
Diagnosis was the same for me didn’t get my autism diagnosis until 23 and combined adhd at age 42
I’m demoralised for the most part. Late diagnosed. The wins are so sparse and the struggling is constant. The wish for that to be understood is painful. It’s magical when we see each other more wholly. Sometimes I tell myself how brave it is to keep trying to ‘do the thing’, despite knowing it rarely feels enough.
Essentially, I need my own extra human to be by my side to coach me through every bloomin action, also a lottery win and a cleaner- anyone feeling generous!? :)
ADHDers should be called Trudge-Flopping-Windy-Whizz-Bangers
I can really relate to what Elli said about masking. I´. m 33 f and was diagnosed with depression in 2021 and with ADHD this year. For me masking has been something I´ve done subcontiously for as long as I can remember even as a little kid. So I don´t really know who I am. I think I am the closest to the "real" me when I am with either of my 2 best friends because even with my family I slip into the role of the daughter or younger sister and I don´t really show my family when I feeling really down because I don´t want to burden them. Getting my ADHD diagnosis explained so much about my childhood in hindsight it´s really surprising that no one noticed before. But I think it also has to do with the fact that my mum has undiagnosed ADHD had to deal with it for 67 years.
im suuuuupppperrrr high masking and was only diagnosed with adhd as a child. ive thought myself how insane it is that psychologists and other health professionals couldnt see through the masking. that was in like the year 2000 though.
OUCH! I own 45 domain names and close to 40 are brilliant ideas I fully intend to still get to.. anyway thanks for dedicating the episode to me ;)
I did the exact opposite. I gravitated to the outsiders. And when they speak of chameleons. I was one and I just thought I was an open flexible person. But what I discovered i was anything but flexible and I not only had no clue who I was or how to be authentic. But so utterly burnt out I’ve been self isolated for over 10 years. But was very much like she explains.
I hate feeling like this it really gets me down , I hate feeling that as I child I was told by both my parents that "children should be seen and not heard" and when I had a valid point to make my parents would both tell me I could have opinions when I am 16 ( I was maybe 13 or 14 and was bullied at school and had no friends , my parents never assisted me in any school work) , when I got to 16 the goals posts moved to "when you get a job then you can have a opinion , whenever I challenged this notion they said"your being difficult and if you do not like these rules maybe you should move out" this was there "GO TO SAYING" our rules our house.
Now I really struggle to feel like I am listened to and this effects me as I feel like I cannot fully explain myself to my wife as she is calm and I am ANGRY , I have now recently discovered as a 51 year old that these emotions and my inability to control them is due to recently being diagnosed as having ADHD and also this is due to "neglect and being alone without my parents and having to be in charge ie I am the oldest so therefore I am in charge at home when they were out at the pub getting hammered , my dad cheated on my mum on many occasions so all my life I have felt alone.
You said to try to take yourself away from the situation but I find it so hard in that moment to have some form of clarity to make the right judgement call , and even if the other person has done me wrong or inconvenienced me , my actions always seem like the greatest inconvenience and this effects my immediate family ie wife and kids.
The actions of others which cause me emotional dysregulation then impact me and everyone around me , this is really getting me down and I sometimes feel that the way out would be to drink loads of alcohol and take lots of tablets and just kill myself , then all this shit will go away.
Sorry for the long message I felt compelled to get these thoughts out as I often cannot get out of my "children should be seen and not heard mentality" anyway I am writing this in the hope that I am not the only one feeling this way.
I really feel alone in my thoughts and my wife tells me that I am my own person but I choose to make the safe stupid mistakes , but I cannot help feeling sadness and feeling depressed that my other half and my children would be better of without me , ever me being dead or just living alone.
Your youtube clip cut me pretty hard but it does not resonate with anyone else , I am struggling so bad to keep my thoughts to myself and I feel that when ever "mr angry turns up" it is misinterpreted as "you do not care" I do but I just really struggle.
Anyway nobody will be interested or reply , so have a Wonderful Day. M
hi there, i’m so sorry to hear that’s what you’ve been going through for your whole life. I was told some similar things and it’s awful to grow up feeling like you’re doing things “wrong”. you were just a CHILD. Sigh. pls reach out if you’d wanna talk. I’d love to listen
omg the getting stressed out over not finding something but it’s because your ADHD is forgetful is so real
The legend herself Ellie speaks!!!
The unmasking part is so true. People will react very differently based on who you are as a person. If I unmasked, people would not be kind towards someone like me. Im a man of color and it's very true.
Women, people of color etc are more likely to be late diagnosed or undiagnosed, because the traits are looked over and past for people like us, and we don't get the same treatment and help needed.
The trying to fit in with the popular kids is soo true lol, I was guilty of doing this in middle school, because i thought that i would be safe and loved, if i was associated with the cool kids, and felt insecure about being around the unpopular kids, but those thoughts were wrong. I agree, its good to have a few true friends, than 100 fake friends.
I was diagnosed with autism at a young age, but I struggled too, and faced discrimination for it.
😂 1:20:10 omg this was great. Thank you for doing this! I feel so less awful about it
This made me cry. I relate so much but how do you explain it? I feel like put in to words how I feel but find it so difficult to express xx
Diagnosed at 39. Bipolar, OCD and anxiety... Nope, autistic and ADHD. Now I can barely handle any socializing
If any. Maybe 10 minutes, I completely burned out. Making changes though
I've been to over 170 concert's amd never stayed until the end. I can't handle the crowd at the end.
Well 170 you didn't quit..
@DianeMay-q3g love the concert's, hate that feeling of being like sardines in a can.
@Blinkybottom yea who doesn't..ZZ top..packed and full of thugs..ha
I find it so difficult to listen to when someone uses "like" so often. I can't focus on what she's saying. I hate that I can't get past this 😢
I remember watching popular people, especially one of them and the way she talks how she jokes the way she moves and certain clothes actually thought I’d be liked more if I did all that stuff I also remember studying human behavior so much I mean, not as an interest, but also as a need and needing to dance and take acting after high school just in my head, it was to become human. It really was. I always felt like I needed to learn how to become human or become like a real person like Pinocchio needed to become a real boy, but I’ve been diagnosed supposedly with this and then anxiety, but then it became bipolar, but then someone thought all of that was more due to my ADD and when I had a niece was born with autism, and I tried every medication and everything else but still having the same problems that were the main problems Realize I’m most likely high masking as well as a lot of them in my family so anyways, I don’t know what I am now but I know it’s a combination of things and most AudHD
Really want to know for health reasons because while medication help me, they haven’t solved anything major as far as how I think and how I navigate my way through the world they’ve either help with my mood or spread me off or slow me down by them and more than just the executive function things you think a stimulant would help so at the end of the day if I ever go back to work or go back to school, I really wanna Understand what I’ve gotten into so many programs and I’ve been asked to leave hundreds of thousand dollars later and been demoralized and wonder how I got in if it was so hard for me to understand and so this is a real problem and it will ruin your life, so I hope there’s a lot more help for people like mewomen who are pretty smart on in life because your whole life will be ruined and you’ll be so tired of disappointing people in spite of your effort and no one deserves this
I agree! maybe it will get better with more understanding of it more awareness I mean I really hope 🙏💚💚💚
Damn. I felt all of that. That’s been my life. I’ve kept my job in tech for the last 5 years and people have been asking me for tips… I’m like y’all don’t understand, I’ve been studying how to be human for so long I just adapt to these people and move around enough so they don’t know how to hate me lol. Bring remote makes that easier so they never see the real me again and they know nothing.i like to keep it that way.
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!
dr.zachary3 is the man
On Instagram?
Yes
Psychedelic is the answer to most severe anxiety and depression. The use of magic mushrooms completely helps one get over depression and makes you feel like yourself.
I apologize, but my ears are bleeding (....)... Leaving a group of people is difficult. I just want to stand up, and leave. But then I know people will start to talk about me and how weird I was. So I don"t leave, ha ha! The normal thing is to stand up and say "this has been nice, buit now I have to go. See you soon!..." I should feel like I am running my own life, but often I act like a hostage in social situations. Can"t enjoy more than 30 mins with people. Then the boredom sets in
It’s called an Irish goodbye here ! It’s the norm ! 😂
Firstly, great channel, and v stimulating content. Just to question some things though. I think even Nt, not just nd have to mask themselves. Picking up on accents around you, wearing what other people wear, leaving parties early without explanation, surely this doesn't simply make someone Nd? Finding who we truly are is difficult for anyone and we all need a sense of belonging otherwise we wouldn't survive. In terms of social battery, if someone is v introverted that will also runout quite quickly, doesn't necessarily make them Nd? Or is what they are saying is that Nd have to do this even more than Nt people? Any feedback welcome!
I don't think NT people mask at all. They may present themselves to a boss differently but I don't think it's masking
Masking by ND people goes usually MUCH deeper and may have catastrophic consequences. Everyone masks their trueself from time to time - that is what NTs experience but the ND masking experience on average can be absolutely harrowing. ND masking means for many of us that at no point we feel safe to be us, to the point that many of us have terrible identity crisis. There is a big part of us who actively loathe ourselves because without our mask we could face bullying for our (harmless!) symptoms. Something other ND people have pointed out which describes the ND masking experience painfully well is that we fear being seen - ACTUALLY seen - at all. Some of us cannot even take off the mask when we are alone, many of us are deeply ashamed of who we are. This level of masking is on average VERY different from average NT masking. It might be comparable to an extreme version of people pleasing and fawning - erasing yourself wherever you go, no matter how much you destroy yourself, so you won't be met with abandonement and bullying for being disabled. Of course this does not apoly the same to all ND or all NT people but the differences are far too big to ignore because being disabled makes you an easier target for standing out, therefore inherently more vulnerable to criticism or mistreatment. Masking to a high degree can be insanely harmful.
This feels like my exact story
The microphone is too good - I can hear everyone's mouth sounds. I wanted to listen to this but I'm sorry I can't 😭
Yes it yuk
I turned off sound and turned on subtitles. It was too much for me.
@@rosehill9537 Good idea, I like to listen instead of watch though so I put it on 1.5x speed, that helped. 😌
I think it’s that thing in her hand
@@Blou- Ooh yeah I think you're right, mic is still too good though
Hi I am new I thought my menopause was ruining my life.. then my therapist told me I have a lot of symptoms of ADHD. I am shocked, but not surprised. I never really knew. I knew I was different. to organized too good at people pleasing high, achieving very hard on myself. I just thought I was some crazy high functioning person and then my therapist read me a list and it made me cry because I resonated with so many things on the list for female presentation of ADHD. I am getting tested next week. It’s 2024. I don’t know how old this post is from but I wonder if you’ve ever done any research or any podcast on menopause and the presentation of ADHD? I’m not sure if you could email me because I don’t know if I’ll be able to look in the comments. Or if there is somewhere I can privately. Get some answers to some questions about menopause and ADHD. Any insight would be so helpful. I am slightly happy that I might know what’s going on with me but terrified at the same time thank you for being such a good platform. I haven’t felt comfortable to talk to anyone about this.
I guess I mask too. Lol I feel maybe it's normal? Jud makes u feel more comfortable to blend in where ya fit in? I'm diagnosed ADD. So fascinating this podcast! Love this episode. My dad had severe ADHD. This week has been the worst. He unalived himself Saturday night and I'm a mess. Anyway wanted to give origin of where it came from. Dad had adhd and mom has ADD.
Growing up I knew for a fact I was different. had no idea when I was young bc ppl only thought adhd was boys. I jus thought I was slow but NOPE! jus neurodiverence.
I'm 35 now. Here to learn.
I have huge issues with eating and I need help. I can't gain I'm like 98 lbs
Leaving a party without saying goodbye is the strategically smart thing to do. Most people are drunk, it will take forever to say goodbye, they will try and get you to stay but won't remember it anyway. So if you just leave, it's way quicker, less draining, less annoying, and people don't really notice because they are drunk anyway. So don't worry that people think you were rude. It's the best way to leave.
They are more likely to miss remember you to be rude if you try and say goodbye to everyone and they drunkenly try to get you to stay and create an awkward situation because they are drunk.
Just go, and text them the next day that it was a great party and lovely to see them. 🤷
10:20 lol I do this and people have given me a hard time for it. It wasn’t even intentional or consciously done I don’t think 😄
Ellie got me to subscribe.
Her story sounds a bit like bipolair aswel... at the beginning of the video she almost described a manic followed by an depressed episode. Does anyone know more of this difference and the overlapse, I kinda recognize myself in it aswel and In my childhood, I was diagnosed with ADHD. Later, dysthymic disorders were added to my diagnosis. After that, borderline personality disorder was added. However, borderline personality disorder was later removed, and it was replaced with obsessive-compulsive disorder with borderline traits. At the age of 29, I was diagnosed with autism, specifically PDD-NOS. This immediately raised questions about my other diagnoses, which needed to be re-evaluated, but I decided not to pursue further testing at that time. Additionally, I was diagnosed with PTSD, which remains part of my diagnosis. ADHD or ADD has always been a clear and confirmed diagnosis
Love Ellie
Something wrong with your video. Cut off Ellie when she was explaining what her first page on boundaries would say. Video went black and then jumped to something unrelated. I stopped the video and may check back later if the video gets fixed.
She has such a kind presence and voice. If someone is snapping that is one thing and an NT person can see that it isn’t a reaction specifically towards them… But from what I have seen is some ND people will say incredibly mean and specific things while they are snapping… Which becomes personal and abusive in the eyes of a NT person. It IS abuse no matter what diagnosis the ND person has and we need to acknowledge this. I think expecting people to not see clear abuse as abuse, just because we may have a diagnosable struggle is wrong and incredibly dangerous. If that is accepted then what is to prevent all abusive people from claiming a supposed mental illness to give them permission to do this? Their partner should just accept it due to them having a diagnosable struggle? Hmmm… Yes these ideas put us as a society in very dangerous territory.
Gotta hit this at x2 speed to max the adhd out
ive masked myself into the wrong friend group on numerous occasions.
I don’t think anxiety is a misdiagnosis but it’s only one piece of a larger picture.
I’m curious how the diagnosis has made a difference in your life. Have you taught yourself the skills to get through your day and various situations? If so where is this help found? As far as I can see high functioning asd don’t have any kind of resources available.
My 15 yr. old daughter has the same diagnosis and is going through what Ellie is referring to. I am curious to learn how the relationship with parents and siblings were growing up. My daughter is definitely busy in herself and does not relate to anyone in the family and often gets mad at us.
Blunt. I have a motto: “Candor freely dispensed; tact’ll cost ya.”
I have adhd.
I am in Spain, right now and really struggling with the food situation.
I'm also a vegetarian.
The smells, looks and textures of spanish food is making me feel sick .. it stinks
Masking .. where do I even begin 🤦🏾♀️