Im so grateful that you are giving me the opportunity to learn how a healthy relationship is supposed to look like! I have never seen one from close up or experienced it myself. I can still learn! Thank you!
She picked him. When she laid down with him she picked him. I don’t feel bad for men when we tell them “don’t do that!” Then the men do it and we all laugh. But when it’s women we coddle them. Stupid.
@@xman666soad What a stupid response. No one, man or woman, should be abused by their spouse. And most people were fooled when they “picked” their abuser. The abuser is almost always on their best behaviour and puts on a show during the dating phase and then shows their true colours once they’re married. Chosen or not, no one has to stay with an abuser.
It’s actually brilliant how she was able to manipulate all of these people into thinking she’s a victim. She purposely talks softly bcuz she wants to get the sympathy of Dave and the audience. But then when Dave Ramsey & John starts bashing her husband, she doesn’t defend her husband, she just smiles and says she agrees.
There are two sides to every story. And both sides can make it sound like they're the down-trodden. There are some that truly are down-trodden, but there are others that want to make it sound like it.
Physical, mental, spiritual safety - been there. I had to support us for over half the marriage. My man swore he was faithful. But my kids & I all questioned this. Not out loud for fear 😨 of harm, again physical, mental, or spiritual. LADY you need to get to have real support - NOT JUST Dave Ramsey & his crew. I would have been thrilled with plan B. Her house, why should she have to leave her home? If her situation is like mine was, he has separated her from 'friends & family.' If she could get legal aid, forget the marriage, save her girls & herself that would be the best route to take.
If she leaves the house, in some states she is considered to have abandoned it and the hubs would get it. She needs to check her state laws and maybe kick him out .
Showing that he has eroded her self confidence and probably has been gaslighting her as well. His control over the finances, financial abuse in the mix. She needs to get away from him.
As a woman, when we're in any kind of emotional, physical, or mental distress from a man, being asked "are you safe?" is the most comforting feeling in the world. Thank you Dr. John. well done!
How is this considered endearing lol. Your husband gets annoyed with you and it comforts you to be asked if you are safe? As if there is a genuine threat of violence from your own husband??? If I was a kid and I was like yea my big brother is my mad at me. He was yelling all this morning and someone was like "omg are you safe?" I would be like dude chill out.
I have been there! Got out after 40 years and am doing so well. Building a new home and am again the person I always was meant to be at age 76. Thank you guys for calling this out in the most important way-wish more influential people would do the same!
I love how Dave never buys the quiet little wife who is just trying to obey her husband....he gets this better than anyone I have watched..his intuition is stellar. Dave is usually spot on.
I agree. I’ve just started listening this year almost daily to uncle Dave and it’s really incredible, it has to do with his experiences. And all the people he has talked to. He is very honest I love it!
Girls, women ladies…. Don’t let it get to this point. Abuse comes in lots of forms and clearly this is a version of that. If something like this starts to happens to you set aside a fund for yourself and make a plan.
But also lets teach girls this lesson ahead of time, like before they become adults, instead of after it happens. We also need to teach both men and women that abusive behavior is not ok for them to do. It's easy to say, well why don't they just leave their husband then? But the reality is that when you're in that situation you still feel threatened pretty much always and manipulation can make it really hard to leave. Most people in this situation want to get out but don't know how without feeling constantly in danger. You're right, prevention is key - teaching people how to see red flags before they are already too far in.
We did not hear the husbands side, who is to say he hasn’t been abused by her in emotional, financial, physical, etc ways. The husband is checked out and it has to be for some reason we are not getting.
Two men, who it seems you trust more than your husband, just flat out told you your husband isn't interested anymore. These are married men who know the game. They know how other merried men operate. This is absolutely the time to take their advice.
Going through a divorce right now, very similar issues to this lady. I was heartbroken when my husband left but all these secrets he’s kept are coming out now and Though it’s hard, And a whirlwind, i feel strangely free & strong to start all over again without him, living in the light!!
Hello I’ve been considering a divorce. We live with his mom. We have two kids. Im a stay at home mom. How did you get the strength to not stay? I’m mentally, emotionally abused. Not physically. I feel as if I lost myself.
@@patriciachicco9763 oh man I’m so sorry, this is a very difficult and painful decision that only you can make, I stayed in a bad thing for a long time (which wasn’t ideal) until the timing was right. I recommend PRAYING and doors will open about what to do. Then check and see if there is a divorcecare type of group or family services in your area that may have resources for you. Then just take one day at a time. That’s what I am still doing. I will pray for you.❤️🙏
I was told by my ex before we separated, " This is my house, these are my kids,and nobody is going to want you." That confirmed my realization of who he really was all those years. Thank God I'm in a much better place 🙏
My ex told me I’d never amount to anything without him and I’d end up in a trailer park! I live in a golf course community and my kids and I are doing great! Good riddance! 😂
I just want to say, kudos to her for calling and caring. My father was an abuser and not only did my mother do nothing but she was completely codependent, sat back and watched the abuse and could not have cared less and just continued giving her power to him over and over, she also defended him. It really destroyed me in a lot of ways. So the fact that she is reaching out for help is a huge step. Good job.
@@nryanmusic My response to you is this....I will let you take what I said whatever the way you'd like. I knew how I meant it and it wasn't the way you took it. You didn't deserve your experience, nor any other woman. I'm not excusing anything. A lot of abused women do feel powerless, because they were beaten down, literally and figuratively. Not all women feel strong enough to leave. Many women who are abused become paralyzed by fear. Again, so sorry you experienced what you did, and I will CONTINUE to pray for those in abusive situations.
@@jesusislord3321 you are missing the point entirely. Everyone knows that people who are abused can become too scared to leave. My point is, when you bring children into it, that changes things. You MUST summon the courage to do something for your children, otherwise you are an accessory to the abuse and just as guilty. A mother who doesnt find the strength for her children is not a mother. And it doesnt matter how scared she is. Your children come first. Before ANYTHING.
Ooof. As a father of two daughters, that was a tough one to listen to. If one of them were in an abusive relationship and feared for their or my grandkids safety, I'm not sure I could stand idly by. One question that I was wanting John or Dave to ask was "What would happen if he walked in right now and realized you were talking to us?" Forty years ago, when my young bride and I returned from our honeymoon, one of the first things we did was go to the bank and open a joint account. It's been that way ever since. I handle the finances because that is in my wheelhouse (look at my moniker). However, there were no financial secrets, we both knew where we stood at all times.
I don't understand the need for a combined accout? Can someone please explain to me why is it such a big deal for some people? Seems to me like *saparate* accounts is a much better, much safer, and much more of a responsible decision. Think about it, what if the man has a good income and he's a good saver, and the woman works less, so she has more free time, less income, and a spending problem?
Love the combo of Dave and John. Another warning sign-she’s earning 1/3 with him compared to what she was on her own, which makes her dependent on him.
The fact that she cant talk freely and the husband wont cooperate means she needs to get out of this relationship. This is unlikely to get better from what i hear. I wish her and her kids well.
She’s ready to get out of this mess! When you see that you have become a different person, resentment has set in! When you see you’ve become someone you don’t like, it’s time to get out!! Good luck and I hope you find your way out for you and your children! Prayers for you!
Thank you!!! I moved out two years ago, but I have felt very guilty about it because my husband has several degenerative diseases and he can’t take care of himself. He never raised a hand to me, but I wasn’t allowed to have my own opinions and would be verbally assaulted if I disagreed with him. I never knew the words to express how I felt like I was being abused. Thank you for giving me those words. Maybe I can forgive myself now.
The minute she says she doesn't want to be interrupted by her husband, both Dave and John look like something rotten passed by. They knew what was up from that moment.
She’s probably giggling with excitement after the phone call, about to give that phone call to her divorce attorney as “evidence“ that her husband’s an “evil abuser” 🙄 she planned the whole call to “SOUND” scared, to LOOK like she’s a victim. Women do it alllllll the time
Like I love how she chooses to call at the time when they’re both home and inside, but then whispers pretending like she’s afraid of him hearing, as if she didn’t have tons of other times she could have called up this show. So stupid 😂
Dr John is the most perceptive person I’ve ever seen. I love watching his show and he’s a great asset to Dave. So glad Dave made the decision to add him to the team! I was not clear on this phone call that this man is the father of her children.
🚩🚩🚩never go to marriage/couples counseling with an abusive partner - the survivor needs a space where they can safely express their concerns & vulnerabilities. Couples sessions can become ammo for the abuser if the survivor is being vulnerable & honest (which likely they can’t be in the first place) & the abuser can triangulate sessions & try to paint a narrative that they’re the victim.
And as soon as the counseling spotlight is too much on them, they talk the partner into trying another therapist. Diagnosed personality disorders rarely have the ability to make long-term, healthy changes.
yeah, that just did not sit well with me. He is not going to change and be a healthy partner suddenly. She could go to individual counseling with a marriage therapist... or just plain therapy to heal
Oh man these calls always make me check myself and ask how have I been to my wife? Thanks for the great content Dave and John! God bless Heidi and her family!!! Praying things work out whatever happened!!
My wife and I are on the same page about things and I’m blessed for that. Our rule is if it’s under $100 we just buy it, between $100-300 we give a heads up. And anything more expensive we discuss
I hope she finds the strength and the support to work this through. The defeat in her voice is palpable and I hope this call gave her direction to realign her life to what she wants for herself and her kids. Lots of prayers for her.
I have been single for ten years. It makes me shake my head in disbelief when women have a go at me because ''no man wants me'' while THIS is what most of them are dealing with. It's not about ticking a box. It's about being in the same boat with somebody who got your back in the full sense of the word. I will be single indefinitely if I have to rather than be her. I hope she will find her own way away from that hideous situation she's calling a marriage.
I think it's also very important to consider what each of the couple contributes physically and not just financially. My father and mother had a joint bank account with their own accounts for their own personal spending because they both had quite different hobbies, but later on in life, my father retired himself when he was in no real position to retire financially, but did so because my mother was able to keep the family financially stable. After his 'retirement', he became very useful around the house and for family and friends that needed his help. He wasn't abusive by any means; instead loving and caring. He used his hard working experience in construction, plumbing, and other handy skills to keep the house maintained until his passing. We didn't realize how much he really did until he was gone, because everything went to absolute shit when we no longer had him to handle all of the problems that arose around the house.
I absolutely love these guys, I cannot agree more with everything they said and this stuff is SO important. Everyone should listen to this episode over and over because there is SO much essential stuff in there. You guys are awesome! I truly hope that woman got out of her marriage, she deserves her life back. Thank you for recognizing the true issue there, wow.
My ex wasn’t physically abusive, but he was mentally & verbally abusive but I stayed in prayer, church and reading God’s Word that kept me sane and I didn’t put up with his mental & vocal abuse. He was the devil. I am so much better off without him! I deserve better!
Love Dave's rants!! I've been in this situation but got out! Thank you for recognizing it because you probably saved her life if she takes your advice! I don't need anyone to complete me... I complete myself! I have more now that I'm single than I ever had when I was married twice! 🚩 If you have to call someone for advice you already know the answer... don't waste another day in that situation! God bless and good luck!
@@ffrnando4388 Please. Shut up. Maybe she made mistakes in judgment, or maybe they fooled her really well during the courtship phase, or maybe it’s just really hard for anyone to find a quality spouse in these times, but your judgment is not needed nor kind nor useful.
I know they had a live caller one time who wasn’t safe and they immediately had Dr. D get on the line and help. The police were called by the studio. They saved the lady and her kid.
I've always think of those characters from movies. Usually superhero movies where the villain starts as a odd reclusive character and once they have powers, they use it as a fear to bring threats to others.
Being a woman leaving this situation, it is so affirming to see how Dave and John handled this call. We need more men in the church willing to be this bold!!
I can't begin to tell you how many times I have listened to this. I know so many people in this exact situation but they can't see the forrest through the trees.
First thing my wife and I did when we got married was open a joint bank account. She’s on everything. All the savings accounts. The checkings. The thing I’ve had a hard time with is trying to make her budget everything out on her own and try to think ahead. I’m the thinker and planner. We’re still working on it sometimes she budgets out her checks and I’ll budget out mine. Shes awesome. She’s going to get it down eventually.
Yup when we started raising our nephew after his mom passed, we opened up a joint account. Got officially married ahead of our wedding day several months early. Some days it’s a challenge like yesterday my husband purchased several band tickets and I was like… honey you can go to shows you just gotta let me know! But I realized it was the end of the month and we should have had our budget meeting anyway. Open communication is key! But after witnessing the power of the joint account from my parents I know how important it is to achieve financial and relationship goals! We are so much stronger together and transparent. I never want either of us to feel stifled and we also need to be on the same page.
@@nicolab2075 well she’s gotten into it. It’s not necessarily about an interest level. It’s about working together toward a common goal and it’s been going well. The easiest way to work toward a goal is to have some sort of a plan and a budget is the method that we use to save for things. Including not so big items like clothes so that we can go to the store and splurge or at least it feels like splurging when we’ve saved $600 for a big clothing haul lol.
Why? Becasue her husband doesn't want to join accounts? Why would he? If she gets a good job tgen she can manage her own money. Why is it so bad for someone to take care of himself and not want to put money in a combined account where he, with the better income will be the one adding the money and she might be the one taking it out.. you know, must people are bad at managing money and must woman iv'e met, really enjoy eating out, going out, and buying things they don't actually need. So why is it wrong to be safe and responsible with money *you've* made?
Oh my God, you are so freaking ridiculous. So just because the husband doesn’t want to combine money and because the wife is purposely talking softly because she wants to elicit sympathy… Suddenly it means that the husband is a chainsaw killer? 😂😂
And I’m in a good marriage, me and my wife combine finances BUT I let my WIFE do the saving, and my wife lets ME do the REAL ESTATE INVESTING. Bcuz we both have different skill sets, our brains work different ways, etc.
Has it occurred to you that maybe the husband is a professional stockbroker or professional accountant? The guy could be as smart as Warren Buffett, and he can know that his wife is- no offense - kind of simple minded. He could be doing what’s best for the family
And you just touched on exactly why and how they mingle themselves into a relationship with that dynamic. Shadow narcissist abuse. He got in there with her love for him, he's the father of their children and she is completely surrounded by all the dynamics he sets up in the relationship before she finally realizes she's not who she used to be.
So he doesnt want to combine finances but forces her to make less than half what she could make by taking care of the children and the home on her own. Jesus lord mercy, get this lady out of there EDIT: Behold in the comments, folks who have never been in abusive relationships
Yep , I’m beholding them. Thankful that they are not experiencing that, or thinking about being that person, but sorry they ask questions that further victimize the abused.
I think saying she was forced to stay at home is a stretch, I think most of us wish we could afford to only have one working partner. If anything, it's likely she tolerated abuse because it was worth not having to work
It is so hard listening to stories like this. It's why I won't go to weddings anymore. I tell couples if they are still married 25 years later, I'll celebrate that, but not a wedding. It is a shame that more people don't have successful marriages. These bad marriages take away the best years of your life and you pretty much have to start all over from scratch. It is so painful for both parties and most of all, the children. They suffer the most.
Doesn't seem right to say that to married couples in the beginning. I've been married 10 years. If someone said that to me starting off I wouldn't know them 25 years later.
I believe the stat in America is 18% of children in America are being raised in a traditional original mother and original father home. I heard this on a church sermon like a week ago. Not sure if it's true. So, unfortunately, we seem to be failing. And Jesus says the single life is more challenging than the married life.
yes, It makes me cringe when all the church people clap for a new couple announcing their engagement. I know its sad to not have any faith in them, but its so rarely that it works well
I pray for the kids in this relationship. I hope they do both see a counselor and get the help that they need so they can become a more positively functioning pair. She sounded really stressed, maybe going back to work for her would help them out together as a married couple?
Pretty great call. I'm very used to the whole live the life of a monk and pay off your debt advice but I was pleasantly surprised they delved so deep into her personal life before even opening the discussion of money. You cannot even begin to sort out your finances until you have a solid foundation to work from and understand the cause and behaviors that led you to have these issues in the first place.
So wish I could have talked to you guys many years ago when I got married the first time. Emotional abuse and financial abuse. ans I could see he was heading towards physical abuse. So much stuff, I'm just glad I finely got out.
I’m on C plan cause my husband has a very demanding job. He gets $500-1000 a month if he needs it. He doesn’t always. I run the budget and pay the bills cause he just hates doing it. Debt free December 2021 finally! House is next.
Wow I am an even bigger fan now! I love how you both handled this situation. I was in a similar situation and I am so impressed how you both spoke up and said the things she needed to hear . Was especially important coming from Christian men.
I’m 61, my wife is 64. We work together on all things financial for the past 30 years and are very happy & comfortable. Still, I refer to her as Supreme Commander out of general respect. Lol lol.
Lol. As a woman we vulnerable higher stats of domestic violence, abuse. So I think it’s sweet that you give your wife psychological comfort calling her the commander. You’re a good man by the looks of it.
That's the first thing I thought... he's checked out of the marriage. I've been there from the husband side...checked out, and I know the signs. She is not safe, financially, emotionally, etc. He needs a confrontation.
So she owned a house and was debt free. He moved into that house and now many years later they are in debt. And somehow his plan is working. And she is afraid for him to know that she is seeking advice on what to do about him. Women need to understand that whom they choose to marry is probably the largest financial decision that they will make. And if he is a loser with money, he is likely a loser in other immature and impulsive ways as well.
Unless one has the experience of spotting abusers before the fact, most will end up trapped by one. Most abusers will not show their true colours until the victim is trapped (marriage and or children generally).
Of course that’s what she WANTS you to think. That’s purposely why she was talking softly during the call. She wants to appear like she’s a battered/abused woman. If she wanted privacy, she could have easily called when her husband is at work, or at the store 🙄
My wife and I keep separate bank accounts. Maybe it’s laziness or something, we just never went and combined it. Not a big deal to us. Never really thought about it. All the bills come out of my acct. Food and fun stuff come out of hers. It works for us
I remember when I was in an abusive relationship and my boyfriend walked in on me watching a video about domestic violence. I knew I was in trouble right away
I have never understood married couples keeping their money separated. When you marry, you are “two become one”. Reality is, men usually earn more than women. For the husband to not care for his wife is no marriage. If his behavior is more recent, he definitely has something distracting him (drugs, gambling or another woman). Also, it raises my hackles when I hear a woman say “My husband let me buy ___” - often it’s something as simple as some yarn or fabric. I would never let a man have that kind of control over me. Fortunately, I’ve been married to a very loving and generous man for almost forty years. He has never tried to control me.
Joint accounts can suck when you out earn your husband significantly, he spends more than he makes, but yells at you about how we need to be on a budget. Separate accts would have me living comfortably & him spent down to nothing. Joint accts isn't always great.
Often being a kept wife you have no close friends or family cause he has already burnt those bridges so asking for help is like peeing into the wind you are just going to get wet. You then have to out live him to get free. Your grown kids get use to your abuse and ignore it or blame you for it ... so for many, there is NO real help.
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Im so grateful that you are giving me the opportunity to learn how a healthy relationship is supposed to look like! I have never seen one from close up or experienced it myself. I can still learn! Thank you!
Really? This call and you insert THIS commercial? Thumbs down.
Not all mariages are salvagable or even worth saving.She doesn't need a marriage counselour, she needs a divorce lawyer
Maybe she's not ready to divorce. A counselor can help her see the situation clearly. Which she's not doing yet. Dave knows how to help her.
He's planning his exit. You need to plan yours.
Facts
The delay in her response to the question “are you safe” was heart breaking. Hope she works everything out and gets to a good place
She picked him. When she laid down with him she picked him.
I don’t feel bad for men when we tell them “don’t do that!” Then the men do it and we all laugh.
But when it’s women we coddle them. Stupid.
@@xman666soad What a stupid response. No one, man or woman, should be abused by their spouse. And most people were fooled when they “picked” their abuser. The abuser is almost always on their best behaviour and puts on a show during the dating phase and then shows their true colours once they’re married. Chosen or not, no one has to stay with an abuser.
@@73cidalia yes exactly
@@xman666soad hate women much?
@@xman666soad are you advocating for spousal abuse? You can't be serious right now...
It’s got to be hard to take some of these calls. My heart goes out to this woman.
Yes mine too.
This is so sad
U could build her a ladder from her bedroom window with ur beard. Like Pippi Longstocking, only more weirdly and beardly
It’s actually brilliant how she was able to manipulate all of these people into thinking she’s a victim. She purposely talks softly bcuz she wants to get the sympathy of Dave and the audience. But then when Dave Ramsey & John starts bashing her husband, she doesn’t defend her husband, she just smiles and says she agrees.
There are two sides to every story. And both sides can make it sound like they're the down-trodden. There are some that truly are down-trodden, but there are others that want to make it sound like it.
@@charlesg7926 good god dude you are in all these comments. Seriously get into therapy to deal with why you hate women.
WOW, these guys "got it" immediately. Asking whether or not she is safe is the fundamental question.
Physical, mental, spiritual safety - been there. I had to support us for over half the marriage. My man swore he was faithful. But my kids & I all questioned this. Not out loud for fear 😨 of harm, again physical, mental, or spiritual. LADY you need to get to have real support - NOT JUST Dave Ramsey & his crew. I would have been thrilled with plan B. Her house, why should she have to leave her home? If her situation is like mine was, he has separated her from 'friends & family.' If she could get legal aid, forget the marriage, save her girls & herself that would be the best route to take.
@@kathe.o. In cases of physical abuse, you should leave your home. You’re not safe staying there where the abuser knows your location.
I wonder if they would’ve asked a guy if he was safe if he didn’t want his wife hearing his call? 🤔
If she leaves the house, in some states she is considered to have abandoned it and the hubs would get it. She needs to check her state laws and maybe kick him out .
Crazy that she purchased the house when she was single and fast forward after marriage she can barely speak in the home. Insane
Showing that he has eroded her self confidence and probably has been gaslighting her as well. His control over the finances, financial abuse in the mix. She needs to get away from him.
Typical abusive household. Feel sorry for the wife.
Narcissists bf. Just left mine after 22 yrs last summer
I'm a man, and I think she NEEDS her own EXIT plan ..... like yesterday
@@bevandtedmy bf after 25 yrs
As a woman, when we're in any kind of emotional, physical, or mental distress from a man, being asked "are you safe?" is the most comforting feeling in the world. Thank you Dr. John. well done!
-_-..grow up and harden up. Feminists fought for you to fight back and be competitive.
@@wewhoareabouttodiesaluteyo9303 and then we're wron women can't be competitive with men it's a fantasy
@@thewildcardperson Someone was paid of to make the laws how they are. They need to be changed back.
How is this considered endearing lol. Your husband gets annoyed with you and it comforts you to be asked if you are safe? As if there is a genuine threat of violence from your own husband???
If I was a kid and I was like yea my big brother is my mad at me. He was yelling all this morning and someone was like "omg are you safe?" I would be like dude chill out.
@@themistoklestheodosopoulos6253 Because fefails always play victim.
I honestly love Dr John - he must be a huge asset to the Ramsey team.
Keep up the good work 👍🏻💪🏻
Completely agree. He has been such a great voice.
Until he's gone like the others!
Yes, you need Dr degree to ask “are you safe? Are you safe?” 😂🤣
I have been there! Got out after 40 years and am doing so well. Building a new home and am again the person I always was meant to be at age 76. Thank you guys for calling this out in the most important way-wish more influential people would do the same!
👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽So proud of you, that, you're living the life God always wanted you to live.
Amen brother 💕💕
P
I’m 75 and on my own - just sending you good wishes.
At age 76? Wow, that's impressive.
"Are you safe?".......... if there has to be a pause, to think before answering that, then you are not safe.
Hearing this caller's angst breaks my heart. Praying for her and the children. 🙏🏽
I love how Dave never buys the quiet little wife who is just trying to obey her husband....he gets this better than anyone I have watched..his intuition is stellar. Dave is usually spot on.
What do you mean?
@@elainenilsson5472 Read it again.
@@elainenilsson5472
Did you figure it out?
I agree. I’ve just started listening this year almost daily to uncle Dave and it’s really incredible, it has to do with his experiences. And all the people he has talked to. He is very honest I love it!
He's a wise older man I hope to be one day
Girls, women ladies…. Don’t let it get to this point. Abuse comes in lots of forms and clearly this is a version of that. If something like this starts to happens to you set aside a fund for yourself and make a plan.
But also lets teach girls this lesson ahead of time, like before they become adults, instead of after it happens. We also need to teach both men and women that abusive behavior is not ok for them to do. It's easy to say, well why don't they just leave their husband then? But the reality is that when you're in that situation you still feel threatened pretty much always and manipulation can make it really hard to leave. Most people in this situation want to get out but don't know how without feeling constantly in danger. You're right, prevention is key - teaching people how to see red flags before they are already too far in.
And Men… toxicity doesn’t know gender
We did not hear the husbands side, who is to say he hasn’t been abused by her in emotional, financial, physical, etc ways. The husband is checked out and it has to be for some reason we are not getting.
@@topcheese2889 for men it’s less common to be physical and end up with death but yes. You ok, you feeling left out and not oppressed enough?
@@jarreaubridgeforth5639 two sides to every story sir for sure. You are a very sensitive man.
She does not want to believe her HUSBAND is abusing her
Classic case of trauma bonding. They can be physically abused to within an inch of their life and they just won't leave. It's sick.
Two men, who it seems you trust more than your husband, just flat out told you your husband isn't interested anymore. These are married men who know the game. They know how other merried men operate. This is absolutely the time to take their advice.
Going through a divorce right now, very similar issues to this lady. I was heartbroken when my husband left but all these secrets he’s kept are coming out now and Though it’s hard, And a whirlwind, i feel strangely free & strong to start all over again without him, living in the light!!
Hello I’ve been considering a divorce. We live with his mom. We have two kids. Im a stay at home mom. How did you get the strength to not stay? I’m mentally, emotionally abused. Not physically. I feel as if I lost myself.
@@patriciachicco9763 oh man I’m so sorry, this is a very difficult and painful decision that only you can make, I stayed in a bad thing for a long time (which wasn’t ideal) until the timing was right. I recommend PRAYING and doors will open about what to do. Then check and see if there is a divorcecare type of group or family services in your area that may have resources for you. Then just take one day at a time. That’s what I am still doing. I will pray for you.❤️🙏
May God continue to protect you and show you grace.
Yes, it is hard but you will survive this and come out stronger. May God bless, help and protect you.
@@marleew6455 amen. I’m Christian and I even forgot how to pray. It’s so difficult thank you.
My parents have been married for 71 years, 72 in June. How? They've worked on everything together. No secrets and no surprises. It works.
Narcissistic abuse is what she was suffering from.
Girl get out!! How much longer are you going to take this? Sounds like you already know what to do. Be safe!
I was told by my ex before we separated, " This is my house, these are my kids,and nobody is going to want you." That confirmed my realization of who he really was all those years. Thank God I'm in a much better place 🙏
My ex told me I’d never amount to anything without him and I’d end up in a trailer park! I live in a golf course community and my kids and I are doing great! Good riddance! 😂
I love how direct and honest John is with her he genuinely cares for her safety as a man.
I just want to say, kudos to her for calling and caring. My father was an abuser and not only did my mother do nothing but she was completely codependent, sat back and watched the abuse and could not have cared less and just continued giving her power to him over and over, she also defended him. It really destroyed me in a lot of ways. So the fact that she is reaching out for help is a huge step. Good job.
Your mom was afraid.
@@jesusislord3321 doesnt excuse her leaving her kids to be abused.
@@nryanmusic My response to you is this....I will let you take what I said whatever the way you'd like. I knew how I meant it and it wasn't the way you took it. You didn't deserve your experience, nor any other woman. I'm not excusing anything. A lot of abused women do feel powerless, because they were beaten down, literally and figuratively. Not all women feel strong enough to leave. Many women who are abused become paralyzed by fear. Again, so sorry you experienced what you did, and I will CONTINUE to pray for those in abusive situations.
@@jesusislord3321 you are missing the point entirely. Everyone knows that people who are abused can become too scared to leave. My point is, when you bring children into it, that changes things. You MUST summon the courage to do something for your children, otherwise you are an accessory to the abuse and just as guilty. A mother who doesnt find the strength for her children is not a mother. And it doesnt matter how scared she is. Your children come first. Before ANYTHING.
@@nryanmusic I'm so sorry you went through that. And that confirms that what I did was better for my kids than staying.
Ooof. As a father of two daughters, that was a tough one to listen to. If one of them were in an abusive relationship and feared for their or my grandkids safety, I'm not sure I could stand idly by. One question that I was wanting John or Dave to ask was "What would happen if he walked in right now and realized you were talking to us?"
Forty years ago, when my young bride and I returned from our honeymoon, one of the first things we did was go to the bank and open a joint account. It's been that way ever since. I handle the finances because that is in my wheelhouse (look at my moniker). However, there were no financial secrets, we both knew where we stood at all times.
Watch the latest video by the UA-camr 'Sara Davison' if you want to see whats in your future... WAKE UP !
You can have separate accounts. No problem. As long as you both are open and share your expenses and show each other’s balances regularly.
@@josephj6521 Dave mentioned that, to my shock, as plan b
Rage and then follow up the next day. That is what would have happened if he walked in on that conversation. Been there. Got the T shirt.
I don't understand the need for a combined accout? Can someone please explain to me why is it such a big deal for some people? Seems to me like *saparate* accounts is a much better, much safer, and much more of a responsible decision. Think about it, what if the man has a good income and he's a good saver, and the woman works less, so she has more free time, less income, and a spending problem?
Love the combo of Dave and John. Another warning sign-she’s earning 1/3 with him compared to what she was on her own, which makes her dependent on him.
The fact that she cant talk freely and the husband wont cooperate means she needs to get out of this relationship.
This is unlikely to get better from what i hear.
I wish her and her kids well.
Dr. John is a star and has been a phenomenal addition to the Ramsey network.
She’s ready to get out of this mess! When you see that you have become a different person, resentment has set in! When you see you’ve become someone you don’t like, it’s time to get out!! Good luck and I hope you find your way out for you and your children! Prayers for you!
Thank you!!! I moved out two years ago, but I have felt very guilty about it because my husband has several degenerative diseases and he can’t take care of himself. He never raised a hand to me, but I wasn’t allowed to have my own opinions and would be verbally assaulted if I disagreed with him. I never knew the words to express how I felt like I was being abused. Thank you for giving me those words. Maybe I can forgive myself now.
Don’t feel guilty. He should have loved, respected, and appreciated you more for being there for him with his disease.
Thank y'all for being so honest with her. She knew it but had to be reminded she is a person with value to remember who she was.
The minute she says she doesn't want to be interrupted by her husband, both Dave and John look like something rotten passed by. They knew what was up from that moment.
At that point, I'm "screaming get out of there right now!!!"
@@shirleyhess7 Why her only, what if she's the problem!
yes! i re-watched that part twice!
She’s probably giggling with excitement after the phone call, about to give that phone call to her divorce attorney as “evidence“ that her husband’s an “evil abuser” 🙄 she planned the whole call to “SOUND” scared, to LOOK like she’s a victim. Women do it alllllll the time
Like I love how she chooses to call at the time when they’re both home and inside, but then whispers pretending like she’s afraid of him hearing, as if she didn’t have tons of other times she could have called up this show. So stupid 😂
Thank God you both acted quickly and wisely on limited time.
That’s a very sad situation for her…….. she really needs to sort out her self before it’s too late……pray sis
“He doesnt contribute to our joint account” well then, its not a JOINT account then is it?
lol
Or it is joint and he only takes from....
Actually it is a joint account, because that's what he'd have to be smoking if he thinks this is how a man acts towards his wife.
Dr John is the most perceptive person I’ve ever seen. I love watching his show and he’s a great asset to Dave. So glad Dave made the decision to add him to the team! I was not clear on this phone call that this man is the father of her children.
🚩🚩🚩never go to marriage/couples counseling with an abusive partner - the survivor needs a space where they can safely express their concerns & vulnerabilities. Couples sessions can become ammo for the abuser if the survivor is being vulnerable & honest (which likely they can’t be in the first place) & the abuser can triangulate sessions & try to paint a narrative that they’re the victim.
💯💯💯💯💯
And as soon as the counseling spotlight is too much on them, they talk the partner into trying another therapist. Diagnosed personality disorders rarely have the ability to make long-term, healthy changes.
@@marygallagher7392 that’s a really good point too
yeah, that just did not sit well with me. He is not going to change and be a healthy partner suddenly. She could go to individual counseling with a marriage therapist... or just plain therapy to heal
Absolutely!!!
Oh man these calls always make me check myself and ask how have I been to my wife? Thanks for the great content Dave and John! God bless Heidi and her family!!! Praying things work out whatever happened!!
He's even got her traveling in the "RV life".. so she is essentially isolated. This sounds awful.
Bingo
My wife and I are on the same page about things and I’m blessed for that. Our rule is if it’s under $100 we just buy it, between $100-300 we give a heads up. And anything more expensive we discuss
I hope she finds the strength and the support to work this through. The defeat in her voice is palpable and I hope this call gave her direction to realign her life to what she wants for herself and her kids. Lots of prayers for her.
She will get through. The first step is asking for help.
Hate to hear a call like this. She sounds terrified. 😕
That laughter she gave off tells me there is something more to this story.
Nervous laughter is an expression of alarm, embarassment, discomfort or confusion rather than amusement.
Exactly 💯!
I have been single for ten years. It makes me shake my head in disbelief when women have a go at me because ''no man wants me'' while THIS is what most of them are dealing with. It's not about ticking a box. It's about being in the same boat with somebody who got your back in the full sense of the word. I will be single indefinitely if I have to rather than be her. I hope she will find her own way away from that hideous situation she's calling a marriage.
Amen!!! Its not worth it.
Most of them though?
@@lindsayevans9543 quite.a few. I would bet 40% or more
Yes Lord & Amen!!!
What circle are you hanging in if most of your friends are being abused
I think it's also very important to consider what each of the couple contributes physically and not just financially. My father and mother had a joint bank account with their own accounts for their own personal spending because they both had quite different hobbies, but later on in life, my father retired himself when he was in no real position to retire financially, but did so because my mother was able to keep the family financially stable.
After his 'retirement', he became very useful around the house and for family and friends that needed his help. He wasn't abusive by any means; instead loving and caring. He used his hard working experience in construction, plumbing, and other handy skills to keep the house maintained until his passing. We didn't realize how much he really did until he was gone, because everything went to absolute shit when we no longer had him to handle all of the problems that arose around the house.
I absolutely love these guys, I cannot agree more with everything they said and this stuff is SO important. Everyone should listen to this episode over and over because there is SO much essential stuff in there. You guys are awesome! I truly hope that woman got out of her marriage, she deserves her life back. Thank you for recognizing the true issue there, wow.
My ex wasn’t physically abusive, but he was mentally & verbally abusive but I stayed in prayer, church and reading God’s Word that kept me sane and I didn’t put up with his mental & vocal abuse.
He was the devil.
I am so much better off without him! I deserve better!
Love Dave's rants!! I've been in this situation but got out! Thank you for recognizing it because you probably saved her life if she takes your advice!
I don't need anyone to complete me... I complete myself!
I have more now that I'm single than I ever had when I was married twice! 🚩 If you have to call someone for advice you already know the answer... don't waste another day in that situation! God bless and good luck!
You probably pick them so it’s partly your fault too if it’s been twice now
@@ffrnando4388 Please. Shut up. Maybe she made mistakes in judgment, or maybe they fooled her really well during the courtship phase, or maybe it’s just really hard for anyone to find a quality spouse in these times, but your judgment is not needed nor kind nor useful.
I had previously commented, saying they need a better way of getting Dr. D on the calls where he's most needed. Looks like they got it right today. 👍
I said the same thing.
Yes, but the calls come in randomly. And Dr. D does not work every shift.
Definitely
I know they had a live caller one time who wasn’t safe and they immediately had Dr. D get on the line and help. The police were called by the studio. They saved the lady and her kid.
Dr. John has his own podcast 😉🎤
Get a divorce. Once he separated his income, he separated from you. He's already on the way out, he just hasn't physically left yet.
Fear is a motivational tool that can be used for good or evil. Most of the time it is used for evil.
Yes so true
I've always think of those characters from movies. Usually superhero movies where the villain starts as a odd reclusive character and once they have powers, they use it as a fear to bring threats to others.
Those who are good won't use fear as a "motivational tool."
Being a woman leaving this situation, it is so affirming to see how Dave and John handled this call. We need more men in the church willing to be this bold!!
I was there for 24 years and finally I get out of that relationship..
Yeaa I know this woman because I have been in a position where I felt unsafe… SHE NEEDS TO GET OUT
Well it's her house so she needs to kick that deadbeat out.
I can't begin to tell you how many times I have listened to this. I know so many people in this exact situation but they can't see the forrest through the trees.
That's what abusive manipulation does to people.
@@TheCatWrangler Exactly.
First thing my wife and I did when we got married was open a joint bank account. She’s on everything. All the savings accounts. The checkings. The thing I’ve had a hard time with is trying to make her budget everything out on her own and try to think ahead. I’m the thinker and planner. We’re still working on it sometimes she budgets out her checks and I’ll budget out mine. Shes awesome. She’s going to get it down eventually.
Yup when we started raising our nephew after his mom passed, we opened up a joint account. Got officially married ahead of our wedding day several months early. Some days it’s a challenge like yesterday my husband purchased several band tickets and I was like… honey you can go to shows you just gotta let me know! But I realized it was the end of the month and we should have had our budget meeting anyway. Open communication is key! But after witnessing the power of the joint account from my parents I know how important it is to achieve financial and relationship goals! We are so much stronger together and transparent. I never want either of us to feel stifled and we also need to be on the same page.
You sound awesome, have a wonderful marriage :)
You're very encouraging and that's SUPER important.
She might never be as interested in it as you, hope that's ok too...
@@nicolab2075 well she’s gotten into it. It’s not necessarily about an interest level. It’s about working together toward a common goal and it’s been going well. The easiest way to work toward a goal is to have some sort of a plan and a budget is the method that we use to save for things. Including not so big items like clothes so that we can go to the store and splurge or at least it feels like splurging when we’ve saved $600 for a big clothing haul lol.
She needs a good attorney and a good personal counselor. I don’t believe marriage counseling is safe for her in this situation.
Why? Becasue her husband doesn't want to join accounts? Why would he? If she gets a good job tgen she can manage her own money. Why is it so bad for someone to take care of himself and not want to put money in a combined account where he, with the better income will be the one adding the money and she might be the one taking it out.. you know, must people are bad at managing money and must woman iv'e met, really enjoy eating out, going out, and buying things they don't actually need. So why is it wrong to be safe and responsible with money *you've* made?
Oh my God, you are so freaking ridiculous. So just because the husband doesn’t want to combine money and because the wife is purposely talking softly because she wants to elicit sympathy… Suddenly it means that the husband is a chainsaw killer? 😂😂
And I’m in a good marriage, me and my wife combine finances BUT I let my WIFE do the saving, and my wife lets ME do the REAL ESTATE INVESTING. Bcuz we both have different skill sets, our brains work different ways, etc.
Has it occurred to you that maybe the husband is a professional stockbroker or professional accountant? The guy could be as smart as Warren Buffett, and he can know that his wife is- no offense - kind of simple minded. He could be doing what’s best for the family
@@charlesg7926 You are beyond ignorant.
She doesn’t need a counselor she needs a divorce lawyer
She needs both
@jane snyder She needs a counselor and a lawyer.
And a PI to figure out the affair he's been having for the last 4 months.
👎🏼
Absolutely correct
We're all rooting for you ma'am
Oof I started crying right when he started telling her about psychological safety...so true!!!! Ugh I love this show 💔
I always wonder how the person with none of the resources (house, income, career) can acquire all of the control in a relationship.
And you just touched on exactly why and how they mingle themselves into a relationship with that dynamic. Shadow narcissist abuse. He got in there with her love for him, he's the father of their children and she is completely surrounded by all the dynamics he sets up in the relationship before she finally realizes she's not who she used to be.
@@MijoShrek Good Post, Mijo. I hope the guy changes, but probably not. So kick him to the curb.
When someone can beat you easily and impose their will would be scary
Theyre called USERS
By being attractive.
I never have understood separate finances. My parents were not good with money but at least they were bad together lol
I got chills!!! Dr. John is amazing!
I was in this position 25 years ago. When you are in the middle of it sometimes you don't see it - like the frog in the gradually boiling water.
You can’t name it, if you can’t see it. 💔
@@ghhm2705 and if you haven't been taught what it looks like, you can't name it, so you can't see it
When they separate their finances they are prepping for divorce. She should assume that is what he is doing and prepare herself.
Yes that why he wants to know about her finances. I'd ask to see his. What a POS
"Get somebody to walk you out of it.....AND PUT THE PHONE DOWN!*
Yeppp, heard that loud and clear. Hoping she gets help very very soon.
She sounds so sweet. I really feel for her.
She doesn't need to save her marriage. She needs a divorce lawyer.
So he doesnt want to combine finances but forces her to make less than half what she could make by taking care of the children and the home on her own.
Jesus lord mercy, get this lady out of there
EDIT: Behold in the comments, folks who have never been in abusive relationships
Agreed, it's very freaking obvious who hasn't had to deal with abuse in their or their children's family. What a bunch of perfect high-horsers
Yep , I’m beholding them. Thankful that they are not experiencing that, or thinking about being that person, but sorry they ask questions that further victimize the abused.
I think saying she was forced to stay at home is a stretch, I think most of us wish we could afford to only have one working partner. If anything, it's likely she tolerated abuse because it was worth not having to work
@@Excalibur2 she said she still works, not stays at home, she makes $40k on her own
@@rrrrrfffff I don't understand then, is she working from home? Is she working part time? Why is she making less than before?
Well handled conversation. Good luck to the lady.
I love how direct they are.
This is incredibly sensible and caring advice. Awesome job!
She needed a private investigator and a divorce lawyer.
It is so hard listening to stories like this. It's why I won't go to weddings anymore. I tell couples if they are still married 25 years later, I'll celebrate that, but not a wedding. It is a shame that more people don't have successful marriages. These bad marriages take away the best years of your life and you pretty much have to start all over from scratch. It is so painful for both parties and most of all, the children. They suffer the most.
Doesn't seem right to say that to married couples in the beginning. I've been married 10 years. If someone said that to me starting off I wouldn't know them 25 years later.
I believe the stat in America is 18% of children in America are being raised in a traditional original mother and original father home. I heard this on a church sermon like a week ago. Not sure if it's true. So, unfortunately, we seem to be failing. And Jesus says the single life is more challenging than the married life.
yes, It makes me cringe when all the church people clap for a new couple announcing their engagement.
I know its sad to not have any faith in them, but its so rarely that it works well
This situation is not a 'bad marriage', but an abusive one. It is 100% the abuser's fault for that.
She doesn't need to be abused at ANY level! Not just "THAT" level!!! My God, guys!!!
She needs to see an attorney immediately
I pray for the kids in this relationship. I hope they do both see a counselor and get the help that they need so they can become a more positively functioning pair. She sounded really stressed, maybe going back to work for her would help them out together as a married couple?
Difficult call. Hope she finds the courage to exit safely and doesn’t turn back.
Pretty great call. I'm very used to the whole live the life of a monk and pay off your debt advice but I was pleasantly surprised they delved so deep into her personal life before even opening the discussion of money. You cannot even begin to sort out your finances until you have a solid foundation to work from and understand the cause and behaviors that led you to have these issues in the first place.
I enjoy this longer format and the revisiting of calls.
So wish I could have talked to you guys many years ago when I got married the first time. Emotional abuse and financial abuse. ans I could see he was heading towards physical abuse. So much stuff, I'm just glad I finely got out.
Well handled by these gents.
I’m on C plan cause my husband has a very demanding job. He gets $500-1000 a month if he needs it. He doesn’t always. I run the budget and pay the bills cause he just hates doing it. Debt free December 2021 finally! House is next.
I understand. I’m on plan B. I had been waiting to head Dave acknowledge that it can work, because that‘a the best option I have.
I think she should call the police before calling a marriage counselor. 👮🏻♂️
And tell them what?
I’m so happy she called in. 💖
Wow, I feel for that lady… and they gave her some good advice… I hope she is safe
Wow I am an even bigger fan now! I love how you both handled this situation. I was in a similar situation and I am so impressed how you both spoke up and said the things she needed to hear . Was especially important coming from Christian men.
I’m 61, my wife is 64. We work together on all things financial for the past 30 years and are very happy & comfortable. Still, I refer to her as Supreme Commander out of general respect. Lol lol.
Sounds like she's the boss and you're a grunt soldier
Back when there was a transition from no fefail rights to fefail rights. Currently, there is a gender war with the more recent generations.
Lol. As a woman we vulnerable higher stats of domestic violence, abuse. So I think it’s sweet that you give your wife psychological comfort calling her the commander. You’re a good man by the looks of it.
That's the first thing I thought... he's checked out of the marriage. I've been there from the husband side...checked out, and I know the signs. She is not safe, financially, emotionally, etc. He needs a confrontation.
Except for it she went through all the bedroom funds months if not years ago
My husband hid is money from me
yet he wanted a joint account he thought I was that foolish lol
That's right
So she owned a house and was debt free. He moved into that house and now many years later they are in debt. And somehow his plan is working. And she is afraid for him to know that she is seeking advice on what to do about him. Women need to understand that whom they choose to marry is probably the largest financial decision that they will make. And if he is a loser with money, he is likely a loser in other immature and impulsive ways as well.
They always play the victim role and get away with it. Your ideal would never happen.
Users and narcissists are incredibly good at masking their real selves until they've got you in their clutches.
Unless one has the experience of spotting abusers before the fact, most will end up trapped by one. Most abusers will not show their true colours until the victim is trapped (marriage and or children generally).
You can hear the fear in her voice.
I was waiting for her husband to walk in on her during that call and thinking the worst. Scary and sad
Of course that’s what she WANTS you to think. That’s purposely why she was talking softly during the call. She wants to appear like she’s a battered/abused woman. If she wanted privacy, she could have easily called when her husband is at work, or at the store 🙄
You are watching scary movies or crime series:). Hope it won't happen after the show( now m getting scared for her)
My wife and I keep separate bank accounts. Maybe it’s laziness or something, we just never went and combined it. Not a big deal to us. Never really thought about it. All the bills come out of my acct. Food and fun stuff come out of hers. It works for us
I’ve met a lot of couples that do this, while it wouldn’t work for me I think it’s great it works for some.
my income was more so I paid the mortgage and he paid almost everything else. It worked
I remember when I was in an abusive relationship and my boyfriend walked in on me watching a video about domestic violence. I knew I was in trouble right away
So sad and frightening but hope you are living a happier and in a safe place now ! God Bless you with a good life.
How awful. You must have been terrified. I'm so glad you got out of that relationship alive.
Lady, good luck! Sending you all my love
Emotional abuse and he's oppressing you in your own home, I would say he
probably has a side kick already.
I have never understood married couples keeping their money separated. When you marry, you are “two become one”. Reality is, men usually earn more than women. For the husband to not care for his wife is no marriage. If his behavior is more recent, he definitely has something distracting him (drugs, gambling or another woman).
Also, it raises my hackles when I hear a woman say “My husband let me buy ___” - often it’s something as simple as some yarn or fabric. I would never let a man have that kind of control over me. Fortunately, I’ve been married to a very loving and generous man for almost forty years. He has never tried to control me.
Joint accounts can suck when you out earn your husband significantly, he spends more than he makes, but yells at you about how we need to be on a budget. Separate accts would have me living comfortably & him spent down to nothing. Joint accts isn't always great.
Yep! Plan F was my situation. 30 years later I’m still trying to recover.
I pray that she is safe
Often being a kept wife you have no close friends or family cause he has already burnt those bridges so asking for help is like peeing into the wind you are just going to get wet. You then have to out live him to get free. Your grown kids get use to your abuse and ignore it or blame you for it ... so for many, there is NO real help.