1) Join my new FSA Education online community for adult survivors on SUBSTACK at familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/. Subscribe for free to receive my FSA-related articles or become a paid subscriber to access Community features where you can engage with other FSA adult survivors via Group Chats and Discussion Threads. 2) Purchase my introductory book on Family Scapegoating Abuse (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) via this Universal Buy Link, which includes links to Amazon: books2read.com/intro2fsa.
Thank you so much for creating and offering this insightful book! I'm genuinely looking forward to receiving it on Saturday. It seems to be exactly what I've been enduring and dealing with for quite some time now, and I can't wait to dive into its pages and gain a deeper understanding. Your expertise and educational enlightenment on family dynamics have been invaluable to me. I'm truly grateful for your contribution in helping me navigate these complex issues. 🙏
Oh sooo true. I’ve learned my mother was a covert narcissist who had to adopt me and give her life up. She would bring up me getting kicked out of history class (talking too much) forever. I’m 66. She is long gone and didn’t speak to me for over a decade. Peaceful. Before she died her sister gave me the message she wanted to talk to me. I had tried to see her over the years but she wouldn’t open the door. That last meeting put me in a tailspin. It was awful. She would say I was bad and had always been bad. She was jealous of me. Hated the relationship I had with my dad. What made her furious is that I divorced and later married a dark skinned foreign guy😮. He saved me and we have been together 34 years. Everything you’ve said was right on. I could go on and on with the stories. You tube videos have helped me so much. Thank you.
Powerful examples of what I refer to in this video. Thank you for sharing your experiences and glad you met a wonderful partner and that my videos have been helpful.
I was raised by narcissistic parents. My father had overt narcissistic tendencies and was verbally and psychologically abusive, especially to me who was the family scapegoat after my parents divorced. I was the problem child he would complain about to anyone who would listen. My mother, I’ve come to learn decades later, is a covert narcissist. She came at this ploy from a different direction. She posed herself as the overly concerned parent. I was her problem child because of my emotional and mental health problems, and she was doing everything she could for me. What a wonderful mother. So for years, I had been trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I had diagnosis after diagnosis from different doctors. I truly thought I was mentally ill. And I suppose I WAS after being raised in this manner. Both parents were telling me I was just not right, that there was something wrong with me, and I believed that there was something intrinsically wrong with me. But there was nothing ever really WRONG with me. Once I disconnected from her (I had done so with my father many years before), it’s incredible how my mental health improved. I now believe that all the diagnoses I had gotten in the past were situational. Only after letting my covert NM go, could I see that this was something she put on me. She used it to control and manipulate me through the years, and to make herself look good. Thank you for your accurate description of this phenomenon. I feel validated having watched your video and listened to you describe my parents-lol! Also, thank you for the compassion with which you communicate. I have gleaned so much help, validation, support, encouragement and information from people like you. What you do is of great value ♥️♥️♥️ thank you!
You're very welcome. Such a powerful comment. I understand this one first hand. The analogy I use for this is it is as if you were covered in tar as a child, and then all these projection feathers floated your way from the scapegoating family members via dysfunctional and/or narcissistically fueled family processes, and eventually you are tarred and feathered, and you don't even know it. You were conditioned into it. You think this is your own skin - the black tar and the feathers. And your skin (you) can't breathe. Glad you are now standing in the truth of who you most TRULY are. And breathing...
Im 65. For at least the past 10 years I noticed my mother would stare at me with sheer unadulterated hatred. Constantly. And clench her teeth and speak to me with clenched teeth. I knew she had always hated me but this was a new level. Ive been NO CONTACT for 6 years now. My only regret is that I didnt do it sooner. I now understand that I was her mirror everytime she looked at me. And she hated me for reminding her of her failings as a mother .....and as a human being.
Powerful image / description. I'm sure more than a few people here will relate. Once you see that 'look', you never forget it...Was just discussing this with a client yesterday, in fact.
@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse My son died of cancer 2 years ago. I visited his graveside... and my dad's. My mother arrived unexpectedly. She wouldn't look at me or speak to me. Again, the clenched teeth. How much does a mother have to hate her daughter not to comfort her while she grieves the death of her child? I will never EVER understand.
It is indeed incomprehensible. And society still resists the idea that a parent can hate their own child. Despite a plethora of evidence that they can.
@@dgvfsa66yes. That look of abject hatred. It becomes very intense as they get into old age. My husband put it down to jealousy. But she had always hated me. I think she wanted me to fail in life but despite her every effort and my struggle through a horrendously abusive childhood, I did better than her 😂😂😂
I was told repeatedly as a child “No one will ever love you!” and more recently was told “You always were a bother!” because I went into hospital for surgery and coming to visit me “was too much of a bother for my mother” I was and still am the scapegoat and punching bag accused of things I never did but based more on the moody whims of my mother, the physical abused was horrific as my brother got older he too joined in on the act and physically abuse me, my mother would just walk out the room. both my mother and brother are the most nastiest meanest sadistic people I’ve met in my life. I was really quiet, agreeable, pleasing, willing to do anything to keep the peace and still endured insults, accused of things I have no idea what they’re talking about and horrific physical abuse. It’s really hard to even just recall these memories my body starts to shake. I HAD to go no contact and I will never have anything to do with them again.
Many FSA adult survivors who were treated this way do develop complex trauma symptoms and are sensitive to 'triggers'. If you haven't already, you may want to read more about this in my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'.
Whoa. That's NOT true. THEY were the problem , not you. What kind of person tells a child " no one will ever love you" ?. A disturbed , demented person is who!
"The Martyr Parent Ploy" is a really great term! It describes the covert narcissistic parent's pathological compulsion to undermine the wellbeing of their own children. .
Yes it is definitely a problem when they sabotage their own children or hinder the child growth and then they'll be annoyed if the child needs their help usually from learned helplessness or if the child doesn't need their help and is independent of them that causes some kind of narcissistic injury as well.
This is my story! I have finally given up on anyone in my family ever seeing the truth of the matter, but YOU see it and that means a lot. My heritage was that your family are your best friends, but I am striking out and starting a new pattern, finding my closest friends elsewhere. Thank you, thank you, for this helpful video and all your work, Rebecca. It is making such a difference. 💜
@@leahflower9924 This ties into 'radical acceptance' - which is a key to healing from FSA, as mentioned in some of my videos here and in my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'.
For me, my true family is the 'family' I choose, and that is based on mutual love, respect, support and trust. You don't necessarily have to give up on your whole family....but removing oneself from toxic environments, relationship and situations is usually the best thing for healing to occur and for long-term wellbeing. My sister was heavily scapegoated. I was too....to a different but equally damaging way.. What she/we (all my siblings and I) experienced growing up was psycho-emotional warfare. She has started to go to therapy and study psychology. I hope she can heal and source her own love/support/peace from within. I broke away from the toxicity many years ago. She now understands why I keep my distance and maintain firm boundaries.
This is my mother’s favorite role to play. Being the matriarch of a highly dysfunctional family riddled with sexual, physical and mental abuse. She is the perpetual victim manipulating all of her children. She finally divorced my father but still continued a relationship with him and her boss. Eventually my psychopathic father tried to kill her and the lover. He went to prison and she became the victim again. I broke up so many of their domestic violence fights as a teenager. She was a co-creator in all of the violence. I moved away and built a life for myself. My father died in prison and she carried on her martyrdom. In my 40’s I cut off contact due to her highly narcissistic personality. I am still recovering from all the trauma. I am thankful for Rebecca and other therapists that are speaking out about scapegoating abuse. I highly recommend her book for those seeking answers to what occurred during childhood. ❤
Thank you for endorsing my book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed, Melanie. Sounds like you've really been through it but am glad to hear you have clarity on what actually happened to you that was traumatizing.
I am so sorry for all you suffered. I hope you find healing. Had some similar abuse that could have headed to murder, but fortunately didn’t. I worried what would happen if it did when I was a child and a teen. My heart goes out to you.
Life can be really tough for few of us. We don't realise until we place ourselves in someone else's shoes. I'm so sorry you had to go through so much. I wish you all the healing, peace and love of the world. Take care of yourself.
The word 'love' was never spoken in our house . Constant beratings , name calling , insults , belittling along with a heavy dose of physical punishment to teach me that I was a 'rotten good for nothing' ,'miserable' ,'turned out no good' . should be beaten every day' , 'the type of person that starts wars' , 'not even human' and on and on . I came to hate both my parents - father was a grandiose narc , mother a covert narc whom I found much more damaging with her two faced violence and constant verbal abuse . Thank you for shedding more light on this despicable behaviour that is most often hidden behind closed doors .
This is absolutely awful. Sorry you had to experience that kind of treatment, unfortunately I can relate. Hope you are healing and doing well now. Best wishes! :)
I completely agree on mom being the one more damaging covertly. 👍 Mine cleverly managed to make dad the bad guy and herself the "long suffering martyr" with all her little protective "chicks"/offspring gathered around her. Except me, the one holding the mirror up to her. 😆
Set up to fail; and, if the child / adult child succeeds in something, it will typically be overlooked, dismissed, minimized, upstaged, or ignored (I discuss this dynamic here in this video): ua-cam.com/video/J7oHsRjBHRE/v-deo.html
This is totally my story. I was born by c-section in 1959 after 56 hours of labor. As a woman who's been in labor 3x I can sympathize. However, my birth became my legacy including possible brain damage being told to anyone who would listen. Btw, I was speakimg in full sentences at a year old and was a bright child as reported by all of my relatives. I finally went full NC. Best thing Ive ever done for myself.
Painful but perfect example of what I sought to convey in this video (and accompanying article - see video description). I celebrate your decision to come out from under the dark cloud cast over you into the light of your true self!
Man! I too was born Csec. in 1959! I went no contact around age 42 as I had a serious suicide attempt due to the mother's abuse! I wish to God I had went no contact at age 22, I very well could have saved myself a lot of grief. My siblings went no contact with me to pay me back for breaking out of their sickness. the old lobster story. Now my sister haunts me with Christmas cards but its too late, too much water under the bridge. I am alone with my autistic son who I wouldn't want subjected to their booze and cigarettes. My mom and aunt tried to get me to put him in an institution when he was a baby, neither one of them could love a special needs child. Most of my cousins and their kids have committed suicide. I'm so grateful I didn't listen to those sick, sick bitches! so many horror stories, she killed my dog when I was 18, she just couldn't stand for anyone or anything to love me
I am in my 70's. My mom was an alcoholic and my father was a military pilot. Regularly, they would sit in a chair, make me stand in front of them for hours, doing what I later learned was a "dressing down"... what did you do wrong!!! What is the matter with you!!! Who do you think you are!!! What did you do that for!!! and on and on. I would be crying so hard I couldn't breathe. I looked and looked for a therapist who understood that cruelty, many thought it was my imagination. I sure love you, Rebecca, thank you for all of your work, helping me to understand and make sense of the craziness!
So glad you're here - You have so much courage, and I do hope you have developed a strong support system of people who believe what happened to you in your family.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse thank you, yes, my wonderful husband of 25 years is very loving, understanding and supportive. Heavenly inspiration, guidance deep prayer and scripture study, journaling, researching and YOU strengthens me. Learning that many people throughout all time have dealt with mentally ill family members, mean employers, fake friends, etc teaches me that I can overcome the cruelties and gives me hope for a good future.
I relate to your comment. Being forced to stand for a long time and being questioned and lectured. Being told "You dont know how lucky you are....", when my home was a constant war-zone. I hope you are doing well. Psalms 27:10+11
Closely related to the martyr parent syndrome is lèse-majesté - offense to the monarch! My whole life I offended my mother (and family) just by existing!! Now I am offending them by staying away! You really can't win 😉
That is a classic feature of a dysfunctional or narcissistically structured family system, and has been researched on quite a bit in the field of Family Systems: Double binds, i.e., "damned if I do, damned if I don't."
I gave it a name during my research on this form of 'invisible' abuse ('family scapegoating abuse' / FSA). It deserved a name of its own, as this form of abuse can happen in any type of dysfunctional family system, not just a narcissistic one (making it distinct from narcissistic abuse, with shared qualities/family behaviors at times).
Same. This is astounding and this is exactly what happened to me. I’ve had guilt for 60 years, always thought I was the problem. I knew something was wrong with her but couldn’t put my finger on it and everyone else thought she was fine. So I thought it was me. There’s a special place in hell for her despite what ms perfect Christian thinks.
My mom had a tantrum when I was 2 years old. In a high chair and wouldn't eat her greasy nasty hamburger. She screamed and threw the food against the wall. This is my first memory. I was taken to a psychologist and my parents paid this choad to diagnose me with an eating disorder at age 3. I internalized that BS for decades. I now see it for the sick pathology and irresponsible parenting it was. It's difficult to forgive that and look past it.
@@Ariadne76-k3d I think maybe it’s neither- more like this absolutely 💯 happened. It cannot be undone. Everything about it was wrong, this is very serious child abuse. This was done to me by my parents, totally of their own volition. They colluded together and did all this abuse to me their child. They are 💯 responsible. They totally failed to do their job as parents to love me, mind me and keep me safe. All this is absolutely undisputed facts. I accept all these facts. I do not want to hear perspectives on their psychology. I know all this harmed me. Now I want to get the appropriate help to heal the hurt and harm caused to me, by my parents. This was a violation of my human rights. The hurt and harm is deep and serious. None of it was my fault. Now I want to go on a road to recovery with a competent therapist who can prove their worth to me, by starting with building a good therapeutic relationship with me. A therapist who had done their own personal work, who is well trained and who engages in further training, especially in the treatment of cPTSD and who is engaged in quality and appropriate supervision. That I accept.
I had two martyr parents. From a young age, I was the 'coward', the 'trash', the 'failure' the 'miserable excuse for a human being' - and I had just barely reached puberty. I hadn't done enough to warrant their words, their attitudes but they wanted a scapegoat and I fit their bill. It was amazing how vilified I became and for a long time I believed it. I felt exactly like the ' gutless creep' my father told me I was. When you mentioned bringing home the date, I nearly fell out of my chair. On my prom night, the boy I was going with arrived at my house before I got home. When I arrived but a few minutes late, my father told this boy, whom he'd never met and who was taking me to the prom, "Go without her. She's not worth the wait." I didn't date in h.s. because my self-esteem was negligible and I didn't feel equal to other people. A couple years later I ran into this prom date at a party. I didn't have a ride and he offered to walk me home. We stopped at the train tracks to kiss and he then tried repeatedly to rip my pants off. I stopped him and he left. I ended up passing out by the railroad tracks and walked home in the morning. When I got home, my parents said I was disgusting for staying out all night. I told them nothing as usual because I couldn't tell them when bad things happened to me. I'd either be blamed or they'd go silent and not respond. I wonder if that prom date remembered how my father disparaged me and thought, well, her own father doesn't respect her, why should I? Horrifying. Truly horrifying. Thanks for the work you do here. It helps us scapegoats move forward.
It truly is horrifying. As I said in the video, scapegoating and narcissistic abuse can indeed happen right in front of you, as your story here confirms. And - you're welcome!
Horrific, you are a brave woman to be able to tell your story so well. I don’t know about an afterlife…. Heaven is talked about a lot these days… not much mention of hell…. It’s all so sick and twisted.
I cannot imagine parents talking that way to their own child. That is absolutely horrific. Bless you for surviving that and moving forward with your own healing. That’s pretty amazing
My mother claimed that because she became pregnant with me on her honeymoon, she had to stay married to my father, who is a horrible husband. Therefore, her life was ruined. After my birth, she had 8 more pregnancies- 6 live births. She is almost 90, and she still believes her own lies. She’s repeated them so many times over her lifetime dedication to being a martyr that many family members considered me her “problem”. Though I don’t know exactly which “facts” they based that on.
Facts aren't needed when the false (scapegoat) narrative has been repeated enough times by a family power-holder (which is what parents typically are in any family system).
@@klarmy8824 they do- then people think ah old dear and the rest. I know an older couple, his mother was like this and lived well into her 90’s - his wife said that she was living on spite. She described how this woman had no interest in their children and could not understand why she did not want to see her grandchildren, he husband described it as very positive that his mother had no Influence on his children. I understand totally, shows how it is so unbelievable to people from healthy enough families
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse you see the same with men who abuse their partners like the manual. Dina McMillan Ted talk is very worth watching on the male abusers she interviewed
This is what my mother (dad too) did! I was told throughout my upbringing that I was crazy, disturbed etc, to really anyone who would listen, and indeed often right in front of my face. I was introduced as "This my oldest daughter and she's disturbed ". The whole town thought I was crazy. For most of my life I thought I was crazy. Now both my parents are dead. My youngest sister has been violently abusive to me in childhood and also triangulated my parents against me by accusing me of the things she did (violence, theft etc). Now both my parents have passed and my sister has been triangulating my entire family against me. And yes, she's spreading the rumour I'm narcissistic. I recently went no contact when I realised what stories she's telling about me. I am now pretty much without family. 1,5 years ago I had a stroke, which left me with permanent brain damage. Nobody ever asked me about that or if I need help. (My sister is making it out as if I'm faking it. All the attention went to her and how well she's doing, and to my dad who needed care at the end of his life. At the funeral my sister got all the hugs and I was even downright ignored by some family members.
Devastating. My FSA research revealed that being told you are faking an illness or injury is surprisingly common when you are in the family scapegoat role. I did a video about this here (and mention it in my book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed): ua-cam.com/video/878iNKXSwHE/v-deo.html
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse thank you for your reply. I will buy your book tomorrow. Your video's have been such a godsend! I'm forever grateful for the work you put into this! Thank you so, so much! 🙏💜
Shocking there's not more written about this. I'll be reading this next. This is my mother's strategy. Only her pain is real pain. Mine is a grudge, ingratitude, 'anger'. It's like a big magic trick. My Dad backs her up no matter what.
A big red flag for me was when my parents were threatened by my emotions especially if they were negative I was only allowed to act like everything was ok and then internally I could never regulate and everything in my thoughts was negative
The bar was always raised, then slammed down on your fingers if you reached it. For example, I earned an A grade in an extremely difficult chemistry course I took one summer. Only one other A grade was awarded. My classmate friend urged me to get a letter of reccomendation from the professor who was also department head. When I told my mother about the grade, she just sneared and said, "Yes, but look how hard you had to work." Yikes! Instead of feeling pride at my accomplishment, I was filled with shame for that summer I had spent studying. Talk about demotivating. It's been 30 years, and I still remember that comment so vividly.
These experiences can really stick in your head. You might watch episode 1 of my Bizarre Reality series here - I mention an opera singer client of mine and how her mother responded to her singing one day...You will relate. (Trigger warning!)
My mother actually put me in the cat at 7 years old and told me she was dropping me off at the orphanage. I begged and sobbed and told her I would be better. I can't recount this without sobbing inside.
@Rebecca C. Mandeville LMFT - Scapegoat Recovery I was also told along with my sister that our mom's lifw would have been so much easier if she never had us. I could never do this to my own kids. I sure hope they only got pure love from me. Thank you for sharing with me.
@Dawn Spallinger yes, you and all people who went through this are in my heart. I chose to simply push it down and it now resurfaces as nausia and anxiety. I hope you are alright❤️
This is so accurate I am seriously laughing out loud in recognition. I’ve heard every one of these criticisms of myself almost verbatim!! It’s amazing. I mean how can this be a thing? The breast milk, not latching on, I wondered about this for years - like what happened to make me not want to drink my mother’s breast milk??Every thing you mention, all my problems as a difficult baby and daughter, and my mother’s martyrdom, I know it so well. My mother described me this way (to whomever will listen) up until a few years ago when I was in my mid 50s! Before I understood narcissistic parents, I remember thinking my mother has many traits similar to Munchausen by Proxy, but not enough to say that was what she is. I spent years and years looking for an explanation, a diagnosis, anything to help me understand my childhood and the issues I struggled with in adulthood. I learned about this dynamic too late in life. Glad this info. Is more research able and accessible now.
As I have said many times, I used to wonder if there was a secret book out there that such parents were getting their lines from, I've heard these statements so often from scapegoated clients' reports to me about their parent(s).
It is one of THE hardest FSA dynamics to deal with. And very little written about it. I'm going to address this in a future article / video but there is no easy answer and it is h#$% on the scapegoated parent.
You bring up such a compelling topic as a I am enduring this right now and it's beyond heartbreaking to see your beloved now grown child exploited by your own mother. I tried to protect my daughter from my toxic mother when my daughter was a young child. I told my mom I will never leave her in your care without other adult supervision because I'll be damned if I let you harm her like you harmed me. Let me tell you when my daughter grew up my mom wasted no time sinking her hooks into her .
This information about the covert narcissist martyr parent has been life changing for me. I have been struggling to break through cognitive dissonance and gaslighting regarding my mother. She is a master manipulator and has a mantra "I love my family so much". So, I had to figure out why I had so much conflict and pain with her. I kept thinking it must be me. I was traumatized in my birth family (personality disorders and flying monkeys). I had to figure out how I "ruined her life and the lives of so many others" (blame from mommy dearest). I had consistently been a high achiever, became ill after decades of abuse (married disordered male), and the narcissistic family exploded with rage. I was finally able to connect the dots when listening to this video over and over. I feel the healing in my body as I now carry much less guilt and anxiety. Thank you Rebecca for the great work you do. Scapegoats who suffer a lifetime of this abuse need you!. (P.S. second attempt to comment as first disappeared).
I can so relate to this comment, makes me feel less alone/nuts. I'm an only child near 60 and likewise struggle with the rumination cognitive dissonance etc.. my father is a nasty rager or a childish idiot alternately. My mother is the martyr vuln covert one.
This is the type of abuse my mom pulled on me, however it had an opposite effect. I felt like such a burden that i mo ed away. Then she couldnt use me like she wanted to. So she tryed to force me to move back home. Well i felt like such a burden. I didn't want to burden her by living in her space. Then she ignored me and i was disappointed but stayed away. She the ramped up her hoovering and harassment. She started trying to camp out in my apartment as if that was her space and bullied me as if it were her place and it hadn't let home. Cant have it both ways. I move away from the drama and it follows and stalks me. She have her usual tantrum. She would repeatedly say I own you. In my early 30's i had an older couple good friends, legally adopt me. Nothing sreams get lost bit@h, like adopting your ownself out like a pound puppy. I guess im an oddball she would try to hurt me by saying other girls were prettier and smarter. Even as a kid i would give up and say, then why dont you go be their mom. Some times they puch their b/s too far and still dont get their way. These people are hard to get rid of and they act like you are such a dependent burden. I thought once i moved out the punishment was over. Narcissist's aren't even embarrassed to stalk you after your outta the house and financially independent. WTF. Unfortunately the rest of the family has been drinking that narc koolaid and treat you with contempt for stuff that you didn't do in the first place. Then there no point in having a relationship with them. I found out the hard way that the relationship with the family wasn't worth fixing. It is fixed, cut them out and dont look back. These people will try to drag you into the stupidest chaotic b/s ever, the blame and scapedgoat you again for being stupid enough to talk to them. Favorite line from the movie animal house," face it man, you Fu@ked up." "You trusted me."
In my family of origin the parents often behaved as children while the children were held to adult standards so, no doubt, any issues with parenting babies, to the extent they were even addressed, would have been considered the baby's fault. This was as true for non-scapegoated siblings as for me. My sister was nearly strangled in an old crib once and this has been blamed on her. There are very few stories about the children in my foo, mostly just stories about the parents. As the scapegoat, I have a few negative ones about me that are relied upon heavily. My sisters enjoy a limited number of positive stories about themselves. My husband was met with vague stories of how generally "difficult" I am and "warned off." The topic continued to come up no matter how obviously happily married we've remained over the years. My husband's showing me affection over the years (holding hands, kissing) has been upsetting and even angering to members of my "family." But generally, I'm nothing until, as the need arises and out of nowhere, I am a liar. I'm just fine left alone raising my family until I'm..."crazy." Both stories make about as much sense as a baby being held accountable for its head size.
This is a key point you make and I'll be sure to expand upon it in a future video or two. "In my family of origin the parents often behaved as children while the children were held to adult standards"
This is such a sad and sick dynamic! Why is this not a crime of abuse under coercive control, I don’t understand. My family altered the course of my life because of their scapegoating. After my dad died, I found boxes of letters and he wrote horrible things about me when I was just 11 years old! He wrote to his friend that “I was so sweet it bordered on the con!” Everything I did in that family was seen as a lie, a con or manipulation when I was just being genuine and nice and trying to do nice things came from my heart and from a place of love but since they had no heart and no ability to love, I’m guessing they assumed I was like them, pure evil. These people know what they are doing. My dad told his friends I was the problem child and all his friends had children who were my classmates so I never stood a chance to be anything but ostracized. The thing is I never even knew any of that was taking place. The smear campaign and the gossip and gaslighting and projection I thought it was my fault and that I must deserve it and be causing it. It took my therapist 2 years to break that trauma bond and finally went NC. I used to be told growing up I was the scapegoat but never knew what that meant and loved them all so I refused to believe there was even anything wrong with them. They were supposed to love me so why would they lie and because they ingrained that into me I believed them. It’s so completely unnatural to have to sever ties with one’s own family but I’ve never met anyone strong enough to laugh off the daggers and criticisms and stay healthy and sane. I wish schools would teach this dynamic. A beautiful girl I grew up with took her own life due to her horrible bullying family. It’s ashame they can’t be charged with murder.
You make many important points here, which are all backed up by my research on what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA). More awareness is needed, including within our educational systems and medical/psychiatric and mental health systems as well.
What you wrote about your experiences is so similar to my own that I burst into tears. That this evil goes on and on, spreading like the most malignant cancer in society, has to be stopped. I don’t think that these abusers are human at all.
I'm sorry that this has been your experience as well. It is quite debilitating and demoralizing. My mother clearly enjoys the damage that she does. I recognized the scapegoating/contempt years ago. My mother treats me like I'm her competitor. I'm almost 60 and just arrived at the conclusion that going NC with family of origin and my husband is necessary for my emotional health and recovery. My husband's behavior is very much like my mother's, just not as viscious. I've moved out and started therapy. Recovery will be a marathon for me, not a sprint. I hope you are doing well on your healing journey. ❤
Wow, that was me. I got blamed for not wanting to drink my narcissistic mothers breastmilk. She told me i was not willing to bond and too independent?! A baby. It's ridiculous to reflect on now after knowing what narcissistic abuse is.
Holy smoke. In all my reading/watching on these types of mothers, I've never seen a comment like this anywhere else. I thought it was just me! My mom blames me for refusing her breastmilk, too! What a bizarre take!
I chuckled when you said many of your clients are mental health professionals. My covert mom was a social worker that worked with kids. She once gave a presentation during her licensing trial and said that I ruined her plans because she got pregnant before she could go into the army. I was present and got up and left. The best part was hearing her professor reprimand her for that portion of her speech in front of me. My sister still believes I was the problem - and she was present for the speech. She saw how much teen me was hurt by it and still feels my mother was entitled to “her truth.” I did not consciously accept the scapegoating. I used to fight the narrative but I now realize it was because it was beat into my subconscious.
With just a couple of exceptions, you described my mother! She didn't breast feed me, but I feel like she would really regret that if she realized how much attention she could have gotten for telling stories about it for decades. For you see, she has always really liked to share what I consider improper subject matter and details and stories about me, like how I wet the bed throughout my elementary school years. Of course she told people about it in front of me which was mortifying. Instead of having compassion for me, she acted like she was a victim of my horrible-ness. I cannot imagine discussing breast feeding or bed wetting in just casual conversations outside of the doctors office. Who wants to hear those stories?? Another thing I thought of when watching your video, is that I have thought to myself MANY times during my lifetime, even way before realizing that she is most likely (ALL OF THE BOXES ARE CHECKED) a covert narcissist, that I believe that my mother would have murdered me if she could just have figured out how to do it and not go to prison. So much contempt, so much constant criticism & complaining about me, all day, every day. I remember on my 9th birthday, she had what I now know was a narcissistic rage meltdown, all because I mentioned wanting a bike. I never had my own bike, all of my childhood. But I was THEEEEE MOST SELFISH person ever for wishing for a bike for my birthday. I mean, my birthday was ruined, but who cares?! I didn't deserve a good day on my birthday! because as the nauseating repeating story went.......I was a problem child.
Children and adult children really can pick up on this 'rage' and hatred toward the child, which is often coming from the parent's hatred of themselves and/or unresolved trauma from their past. Even an infant can be nothing more than a blank projection screen for a parent's immature, disturbed, and/or traumatized /dissociated psyche.
I've always said that had I not been my mother's meal ticket (by trapping my dad into marriage) she would've smothered me and SIDS would've no doubt have been the diagnosis .
I’m sorry that you went through that. I can relate to a lot of it. I remember doing my own laundry in the middle of the night at age 6 because I wet the bed and was scared of my mom’s reaction
I am so sorry you endured such an awful awful Mom. that's terrible what she did to you. I Send you my hugs and heartfelt hurt for the painful treatment you endured as a young child. May your life be filled with good people and lots of love and laughter and happy memories to make💙🤗🥺
When I hear that "difficult child" BS, I want to projectile vomit because it's almost always fake and a cover for the parent's disowned insecurity and unwillingness to own that they're actually the difficult parent - woefully inadequate and deceptive to themselves and whoever will listen. No, dear scapegoats. You were not difficult. You had a weak, dysfunctional parent who couldn't woman up or man up and be the emotionally available adult you needed and most certainly deserved. Disgusting! 🤢 You were too good for them. Not the other way around. 💞
My narc mom, now in a dementia unit, didn’t make me wear corrective shoes because I didn’t like them. I was 5 years old. I’ve had to use assistive devices since 30 due to lack of physical therapy in my youth. If asked she told people I was a difficult child. It was always to solicit “ you poor thing” making her out to be the martyr. That whole situation makes me uncomfortable as an adult. She’s mentally gone now, but I still can’t understand her lack of empathy. I am now 60, in a wheelchair and am estranged from my siblings. I’ve been no contact with my siblings for years w/ no plea to reconnect. It still feels like my fault but I don’t know why. These videos are very helpful.
Jon child abuse 💯. It’s called wilful neglect. Maybe get very very angry with her and them and curse them with as much energy as you can. It’s all so bad for your body to have all that energy of the abuse stuck in your body. And your body needs all the help it can get. You don’t need do this in person but there is a way… You deserve a break, I’m a believer in some safe cathartic cursing. Safe because you’re worthy of this safe catharsis. I could give you some ideas but UA-cam will sanction me!
My mother didnt brush my teeth when I was a small child because I didnt want to. Ruined my teeth completly. The dentist told her off on a check up. She hated him after that and refused to follow me there again, that became my fathers task.
No plea to reconnect ..same happening me .I've gone no contact with 2 siblings for a while now .they know where I live and they know I'm a single mum with no other family ..total narcs
It's been 30 years and my parents still LOVE to talk about what a difficult teen I was. And yes, they do it right in front of me, I just laugh. I refuse to show them that it bothers me.
I sometimes suggest to clients they see these behaviors as being similar to nervous tics if they choose to remain connected - sounds like you found a solution that works for you!
My dad used to like to tell me I was a PITA, my mother told me I was difficult. I was afraid of my parents and tried not to get into trouble( I really was the perfect kid), unlike my golden child sister who never got into trouble. I have been no contact for 5 years.
Next time you could try this reply, " Why do you keep judging a seed for not being a full grown plant?" And then silence after this is said is golden. 😊
Great video! A few phrases I heard my angry mother repeatedly say to me were, "You didn't turn out like I thought you would" and "I MADE YOU & I CAN BREAK YOU".....oh, how nice and supportive of her!
I was cast as the scapegoat in my family by my narcissistic mother. And boy is she the quintessential martyr. Hides behind her religion. I finally (at age 64) went no contact 2 months ago with her and my flying monkey brother. She managed to sabotage my relationships with both of my daughters. The damage may be permanent and I'm devastated about it. 🕊
It can feel devastating, indeed. Linking you to my FSA survivor resource list for additional education and support: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/resources
This reminds me of how my mother would leave breakfast for all four of her children in adult sized plastic cups. (Huge, wide, 80s plastic cups) It was a smoothie made from banana and raw eggs and milk powder. I would drop the damn thing with my tiny 3-5 year old hands. Every morning she and my siblings would call me stupid, clumsy, wasteful, lazy, etc. It would take forever to clean and sometimes I had to change my clothes in a panic (because every morning was a panicked rush). Every. Damn. Morning. When I remember I want to scream and also go back in time and take me away from these people.
I call this "righteous rage". I have a video on this here on my channel, as well as a video on " traumatic invalidation," which you may want to check out
This is what I heard and what bore out my entire life thus far. I was told it was me. Every narc I ever met and got involved with be it friend, lover, neighbor or boss. No matter what I gave, what I tolerated to get accepted, loved or included, it was for naught. My mother took credit for anything good I did and everything else, I was the cross she had to bear. She projected on me everything she despised about herself and her mother. The whole family, extended family, friends, acquaintances and strangers all got the 'how horrible I was and how hard she tried' story. I always met her psychological twins, trying to win the love of someone who was emotionally unavailable and ultimately resentful when I would give up and walk away defeated, which would start more smear campaigns. Now at 60, I find myself only dealing with a few and have never been happier. I created my own oasis and learning to love and accept myself, getting rid of all these black layers that have been painted on me since day one. I dont know who I am yet, but I know who I am not. You have to have an evil heart to do that to your own child.
Well said, Sharon, thank you. An evil heart - or sometimes a profoundly broken one. The latter is particularly true in cases of intergenerational trauma that goes unrecognized and unaddressed, as described in my book (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed). So much unconscious trauma and anxiety passed down to each generation, causing harm.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse No one's heart is more broken than the scapegoat's, yet we don't choose to do all this harm to others. No matter how we try to sugar coat it, they are evil.
I was the scapegoat and then my sister told my children that I was a horrible monster growing up and that I was mentally ill and if they had a problem to call her. She played a major role in destroying my relationship with my children.
This comment was so familiar that I had to check the name to ensure I didn't write it. I developed chronic, complex Ptsd that has left me a shell, two years later. When her silent treatment and ostracism no longer affected me, she alienated my nieces from us.
I let my brother live with me for 10 years, let him drive one of my cars, paid for his phone and he did this to me. When my son was a teenager he told him I was a terrible, crazy person and made up lies. Thank goodness my son is very smart and didn’t believe him. He moved out and has lived with my Father now for 15 years. When he did he told everyone I owed him money 😂 He never paid rent or one bill in ten years, never paid for food and I never took a dime from him. He told my family lies about how I raised my children, said I was mentally abusive to them, said I was mean to my husband, etc. Now my Father,who I have always been extremely close with, just passed away recently and I discovered my brother destroyed his will and stole mine because my Father had left everything to me. He made up another one but the court could tell it was bogus and wouldn’t accept it. I’m in the process of looking for old wills in my storage because my Father redid his Will three times throughout the years. My brother will talk like he’s all about family then behind your back when he doesn’t get what he wants his true self comes out. I was just very wrong about which one was his true self. I’m writing this to warn others because I really wasn’t aware people like this existed. I learned my brother is a vulnerable narcissist and I’ve just recently, after years of confusion discovered I married a covert narcissist. To save my sanity years ago I finally started saying to myself “I live alone, I live alone, I live alone” everyday, I think that’s “grey rocking” 🤷♀️ If not for UA-cam channels like this we’d all still think we were the crazy ones 😂
Thankyou Rebecca for sharing and bringing some light, I am 62 and I realise how difficult has been my life. I had an alcoholic mother, she felt always a victim of me because It seems I was too difficult for her. My father was narcisistic, then I grew up in a horrorific home. At least now I can see the truth.
The very idea that my mother is getting sympathy from others because I won't talk to her anymore is infuriating to me. I know she's doing it... I so tired of carrying secrets for people that hold me in such deep disdain. Doctor, is it possible for covert narcissists to be happily married to each other?? My parents seem to both be narcissistic, but I cannot imagine how that works!
That wouldn't be typical but given everything I've seen in my 20-plus year career in Family Systems, ANYTHING is possible!! Question: Does one parent seem more 'dependent' (or submissive toward) the other?
@@bohotumbleweed8319 In this case, the OP shared that both parents may be covert narcissists, but good question in general when discussing these types of parents.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Regarding the question of having two narcissistic parents, have you heard of the term "Inverted Narcissist"? Sam Vaknim coined it I believe. He describes it in his videos as a shy/vulnerable narcissistic parent/co-dependent that chooses only narcissistic partners. His description and yours (Martyr narcissistic parent) is very accurate to my situation.
"Some of you may be really feeling a bodily sensation when I'm looking right into the camera and saying this" I was literally dancing around the room and punching the air. I wasn't the problem.
The messages I got were quite covert overall. Apparently I was a 'good' baby and was planned for. But the stories my mother used to tell me always implied that I was defective because there were no good stories. Things like, the time they pointed out a bird to me but I couldn't see it. Looking back I realized that this was because I already needed glasses. It was finally found in grade 3 when the teacher was shocked that I couldn't see the writing on the blackboard. This and similar stories all stayed the same. I guess they preferred the idea that instead of needing glasses I was just defective as a human being.
This may go along with the dysfunctional family projective identification process - there is an unconscious need to turn a child into the 'identified patient' in the family.
You just described my life with my mother Almost to a T. I was blamed for being a difficult pregnancy, a colicky baby, a disrespectful child who didn’t listen and whenever I spoke up it was considered talking back. My mother told anyone and everyone what a difficult child I was, and she was always telling me that I was lucky she took care of me and did things for me, you’ve explained my life in this entire video. The talking about me however, went on behind my back, she would never say anything in front of me for fear that I would stick up for myself or contradict her narrative.
I see that sort of conscious, calculating dynamic more often in narcissistic family systems versus traumatized, dysfunctional ones (e.g., only behind your back).
The more I think back about everything it really just makes me question how much of it was real and how much of it was a fabricated reality. It's like my entire life really has been a lie. The ultimate gaslight. Every facet of my life growing up was a perfectly crafted version of what they thought it should be. And when I started doing my own thing that didn't align with what they thought it should be is when I became the "problem". And now that I've become educated, I'm REALLY a problem for noticing just how fucked it's all been the entire time
I don't have the inkling to reach out for help because every time I have, it's just been dismissed or nobody was ever available or willing to help in a meaningful way. Unless they directly benefited from it. While I was always there at the drop of a hat. And that's why I am so self reliant. Because if nobody will help then I have no choice but to figure it out and do it on my own. And in doing so for such a long time, I got pretty good at getting good at anything I ever did and how to figure things out on my own. Because I've always been on my own
The validation your videos are giving me are priceless! As I write this, I am waiting on my Amazon delivery of your book. I fear now the damage my estranged, adult child will continue to suffer until she finds her way to healing. It has taken me 55 years to pinpoint the trauma. This is all thanks to your lifelong work. God bless you! ✨💖✨🙏🕊
This is so validating. My mom fits so much of this martyr parent description. She would often make sure in public settings to let people that barely knew me, know a list of negative, disparaging or embarrassing things about me, so they would know I was a such an awful person without even knowing me. I became an adult who tried hard not to do the "bad" things I did as a child like cry, complain, show human emotion, get sick often etc. smh. What a mess to unlearn!😆
Yes, this is how it works with these types of parents. I call this the "scapegoat narrative" - a narrative they will repeat again and again to anyone who will listen as a preemptive strike, so to speak. Watch my video here: ua-cam.com/video/syjUNqa1lNc/v-deo.html
Since becoming aware of your book , videos and reccomended books, I realise the damage that has been done to the personality by this scapegoating abuse. The fragmented parts are now being healed in my later years. I was left thrown to the wolves, humiliated publicly and reputation completely destroyed. It is very uplifting in my solitary life that this is being validated.
I have heard from many people who are just learning what happened to them; as I mentioned in my book, one lovely lady was in her eighties and learning about FSA from my book brought her a great deal of peace.
Yesss!!! Me being a difficult colicky baby is a favorite story of my covert narcissist mother. Good lord the martyrdom. And she tells the story in a way like I should’ve had control over that as a baby…..the fact that no adult saw how toxic and weird that story is goes to show how many toxic people I have been surrounded by my entire life.
“The difficult, colicky baby” comes up often in my research on what I call the ‘scapegoat narrative’. This was the story enforced upon me as well. And yes, how sad that others sat and listened to this drivel, and no-one thought (or cared enough) to intervene. It’s quite a burden for any child to have to carry.
😄This rings so true! Funny thing, once when my covert narc mother sat loudly complaining about me (she constantly complaines and me, my farher, her co-workers, her health etc etc) in her sowing cirkle (litterally), I was about 4 y o, ruminating over how difficult I was, her aunt who was barren said ”I wish I had something to complain about”. 😅 As of today 45 years later my mother still cant stand her aunt. She brings this thing up and snarks over how nasty this was and that her aunt allways has been mean to her. She just cant relate to that she herselfe was very inconsiderate to this woman who couldnt have children at all.
Again. Right on target. I tried to earn her love until 2014 when I learned the truth... that I'm not hard to love, but she is not capable of loving me ever. Knowing that, she could not dangle that false hope over my head like bait anymore and I have up... went no contact... and then she sought revenge and has tried to destroy me ever since. Sadly she has succeeded in so many ways. But I'm still here. I'm still fighting for my life.
Hi Rhonda - was going to send you this video but I see you saw it already. I know you have really been through it. Thank you for being here and supporting my work on FSA.
Rhonda I am sorry for your pain. "LOVE" seems to be their trump card to play. However they speak about what they do not know. May God pour His comfort into your heart. You ARE loved.
Keep fighting. It's truly worth it. I chased after my mother's love too. I thought that was the prize I'd always wanted. But really, we are the prizes we need and deserve and away from them, we can thrive.
Wow! Do you know my family? Because it sure sounds like you do. LOL. During my teens, I actually told my mother to stop being such a martyr. Got a hard slap across the face.
All of this was the soundtrack of my childhood, followed by a comparison to my sibling - perfect birth, model infant, easy and lovable child. Over and over and over.
It is very painful and I am sorry you had that happen to you too. Just know that millions of people would have loved you as a perfect gift of life, precious baby in a more healthy, emotionally mature family. Take care. Wishing you all the best.
Bloody hell! I thught I have processed it ages ago and put it well behind me, but this video just hits home so hard! I got a headache halfway through 😢 Where was UA-cam 20 years ago? This content would have made such a huge difference!
Hi Miriam, it's a lot to take in, isn't it? Do consider also reading my introductory guide on this form of abuse, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed. Many people find it extremely helpful.
Moving the goal post. I was 60 before i slowly started to get it. I was NEVER GOING TO GET HER APPROVAL. Still sorta painful but not being in the family anymore my life is drama free and feels like im on a perpetual vacation. Shes turned the family against me. I have a wonderful husband and fantastic friends who are for me. Its really nice and safe.
Thank you Rebecca. Martyr. Hit the nail on the head. I was told, quite often, that I didn't know how to love or receive love. It took awhile but I finally realized mom was stating a fact about herself, not me. I am going to read your article now. We appreciate you! So grateful, Jane.
Indeed, the words are most often evidence of "projection." One of the phrases familiar to me were "You're so cold" as a young child and then teen. Ouch.
Thanks again for doing this work. It so insidious and it's so hard to understand if you haven't experienced this yourself. It's taken me 55 years and the last 6 years of crazy cognitive dissonance to really even grasp what I've been struggling with my entire life.
My birth almost killed my mother, according to her. (Never mind that I almost died as well.) I was the second child and meant to be a boy, but I failed at that too. But not to worry, she found a use for me as a surrogate caretaker for my older, more special sibling. My self-esteem had to be built from the ground up, much later in life.
Sounds like you have some clear awareness now regarding how you ended up in your marriage. We do tend to "go to what we know." But eventually, we hopefully know better, allowing us to choose differently in future.
Yup, this is my mother. I am the eldest of three and at my brother's wedding a couple years ago (and the last time my remaining family of origin were together), my alcoholic mother made a comment about me having 'issues' (which she has said in the past were rooted in my birth which, I was born cyanotic and the umbilical cord wrapped around my neck 3X) and 'why couldn't I just accept her for who she is'? I responded to her, "I do and it comes with the need to grieve'. This was officially our last engagement. Once again, your work and wisdom are powerfully appreciated Rebecca - THANK YOU! 🕊
Oh, AR, this is simply brilliant: "I responded to her, "I do and it comes with the need to grieve'." BTW: My "issues" were also blamed on my "difficult birth". There's another one that deserves its own dedicated video. Thank you for your acknowledgement of my work, your presence here is much appreciated.
Thank you for your acknowledgement and compliment Rebecca. I must say, I also experienced detachment when I did respond! No spite, anger or even sadness (that was for later when I allowed the grief to be processed). Her denial and delusion is so pronounced, that I have fully accepted who she is and give NO more emotional energy to the relationship or her like I used to and I do not have to make any effort to detach, it comes naturally! I would be quite interested in that episode! I would be intrigued to learn more around this. To be quite honest, I have long played with the idea that my difficult birth was a reflection of our two nervous systems unable to form a bond/connection/regulate. I am INCREDIBLY sensitive (to the degree that I can sense someone's passing before it happens and women who are pregnant but not announced it and more) and have wondered if my sensitivity was there in utero, picking up on her unresolved/unacknowledged traumas, leading to my difficult birth and sensitive nervous system? That I came out of the womb in a hypervigilant/dysregulated state? I believe Bessel van der Kolk speaks to this? I am also aware of the Polyvagal Theory c/o Stephen Porges and his work with co-regulation. If her perspective of me is one of dehumanization/objectification, this would explain our inability to truly connect - she could say the words 'love' but I would never 'feel the energy of love'. I believe your perspective would add such a layer of unique understanding in this area! I was actually curious, have you created something around 'no contact' perameters? I am interested and planning on exploring the poll but I am currently having a couple family members disregard my 'no contact' boundary via physical mail and donating to a GoFundMe account. (I burned the piece of mail and did not return the 'anonymous' donation for this would mean I was responding) but if there is more to come from them, I am wondering if the need to re-establish the boundary is best or me simply ignoring any and all attempts. I had to establish 'no contact' with my father years ago and who has since passed, so my family knows I am both serious and capable of maintaining my ability to remain disengaged, even until death. I guess I am mostly curious to hear insights from your point of view and research, to help me make this decision. I appreciate your candidness and true wisdom you bring. That means a lot to know you come with your own personal experience in matters as important as these! I am so grateful for this space you have created and your presence as well Rebecca, thank you again! 🕊
I could have written this second paragraph myself. This gets into some very complex possibilities, and as I mentioned, I do plan to do a video on this at some point. Your story and my own has many parallels, btw. Regarding going 'no contact' - I did a video on this so you can take a look here: ua-cam.com/video/F1VH48JwuNA/v-deo.html If you need more specifics, I do offer Single-Session Consultations - check it out via my website menu at scapegoatrecovery.com.
My mother blamed me for catching chicken pox from my sister because I touched my sister's pox rash. She also refused to take me to an ophthalmologist when I couldn't see the black board at school. She said I just wanted eyeglasses. I was actually to this day nearsighted. I was blamed for why she smoked cigarettes too.😂😂 I would challenge her then she would explode in irrational anger. I didn't want to be alone with her. I hated her. All what you said is true.
You help me so much. The bizarre part of my reality as a scapegoat is I was given the role when I was young when I was still a straight-A student and did like nothing wrong I was a really good kid. I'm still that person I know I am I just have to deal with like the family projection process and being the empathetic and highly sensitive person that I am I was very confused for a long time not understanding that I did not have to own that projection process
My father started me working at 7 never paid me and when he got paid he would hide money and say (don't tell your mom) plus he had a custodian job and he made me work with him. I started filing w2 at 12 pa said you work now buy your own clothes mind you mine where hand me downs mom also quit doing my laundry also at 14 was told to pay 150.00 a month rent now so I went to high school 4 classes a day work release so I could support his family and alcohol problem and at the end of mom's life 10 yrs ago the P.O.S had me tell the Doctor to pull the plug cause he couldn't plus cremated planned service and wrote obituary because him and is 3 pigs couldn't. And now I see that his father treated him horrible as well. Generational trauma is no joke! Thank you Rebecca so grateful 🙏.
Intergenerational trauma is the core issue with so many families, Jim. Your ability to survive got you through - I hope today you can now thrive, with the new awarenesses you have regarding what happened to you in your traumatized family.
This all sounds so familiar. My brother was much loved, I was in the way. My mom used to say it was I who had rejected her. She said that I kicked while I was in the womb and that this was a sign that I was rejecting her. Kicking is normal, particularly for first children. She would tell me that I would be “perfect if only”. My brother was given various privileges and I was forgotten. It was made clear to me that I was the “problem” in the family, that everything would be fine if not for me. I know my mom had a hard time after my father died,she was under a lot of stress. She went back to school and then worked as a social worker. She had many disappointments in her life. She wasn’t a bad person generally, she helped out neighbours and was honest and thoughtful to everyone (it seemed) except me. I was made to believe there was something wrong with me although it was never made clear what it was that was wrong. I was a good child generally who never got into trouble at school, never acted out in public, always tried to be good. I remember trying to be so polite when I visited anyone else’s house and fantasized about finding another family who would adopt me.
Yes because of the false narrative and the gaslighting people actually believe that your character is different than it is. I know I shouldn't care what people think but I think everyone does to a certain extent.
It felt necessary to change my name,as I just can't stand the sound of it after being called it at my parents home for years,it makes my skin go ice cold in streets response. And it seems to have helped.
I changed my original name legally several years ago. I had always hated my old name but didn't know why until I read your post. Yes! It was hearing the way my dad used to ridicule it. After my parents died, I changed my name, but it was a struggle getting my siblings to use my new name. They thought it was a temporary whim and that I was silly for changing it and so thought they could disrespect my wishes. But I set a firm boundary. I told them it was a a legal change, on all my legal IDs. Then I refused to respond and corrected them every time they used my old name. Eventually they learned. (I know they still refer to me by my old name when talking among themselves, which is very strange, but I can't control that.) I've never regretted changing my name. It was like beginning a whole new chapter in my life.
This reminds me a bit of Munchausen by-proxy. Are there similarities between the two things like origins or pathology? Thanks again for your wonderfully accurate videos. You are doing important work. I hope your messages go far and wide. Maybe survivors like me would find more help and kindness in the world.
Yes, I discuss Munchausen by proxy in this video - check the chapter titles in the video description. Definitely similar dynamics. And - you're welcome!
Major progress, Rebecca, after doing deep soul work with integrating the covert narcissist martyr ploy: I was stuck in guilt and shame from my mother for decades. It was much easier to figure out my father, a malignant, violent and alcoholic narcissist. He was in my face with violence, intimidation, retaliation, and major threats. So, I thought he was the major problem. Once I saw the martyr ploy in my mother (pinnacle of ending up in ER with 'going to die') if she didn't get narcissistic supply, I started dismantling the brainwashing. Now, with being mesmerized as i study and integrate your work on FSA, I see being invisible, no bond just an object, lack of nurturing, only controlling, but pretending to be the best mother in the world (and enforcing it with gifts of money). I actually felt a little bit sorry for my father who endured her master manipulation and passed nearly 20 years ago while she lives to age 94. Makes me think she is getting lots of narcissistic supply still in old age. It is a con job of epic proportions and like an "oil slick" as you call it. It runs through the entire family and everyone is conned but not I - finally! I finally feel the hurt from her psycho-emotional abuse, whether intentional or unconscious because of trauma (feels intentional because I don't comply). I grieve and let go. It feels like an exorcism to finally get out from under her master manipulation and mind control. Every word you share hits the spot which, to me, means truth.
Thank you for sharing your progress, Pamela, I am sure many here will be inspired by it. Sometimes the unconscious defense mechanisms are so powerful the abuse can seem intentional and conscious. Other times, it IS intentional and conscious. In the end, we can't ever really know. Sometimes it can be a mix of both (highly traumatized, narcissistic parent, for example). All we need to know is that we must protect ourselves from any and all forms of abuse, no matter the source.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I support you Rebecca, with much gratitude, and pass on your educational information about FSA to everyone who wants/needs it! 🙂
Glad it was helpful! Given your strong response to this, you may also want to read my book to learn more about this form of abuse, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'. Many people relate to it.
THIS VIDEO! This was my life. It took awhile for me to realize my mother is a narcissist bc of the covert/martyr role she played. 12:00 was rough. Thank you for recognizing that. Thank you for your book. You have helped me tremendously in my journey to recovery. Will be checking out the article on this topic. Thank you. ❤❤❤
You're welcome, Andrea, glad my work on FSA is helpful. And I always appreciate reviews on my book on Amazon, if you are comfortable leaving one (and do ensure your privacy in regard to your Amazon user name if you do post a review).
You described how my mother spoke about me and to me my whole life. Just this morning I woke up from a nightmare where my mother was blaming me for our family falling apart. Thank you for making this video.
OMG I fit all of this!! I often use these videos to self- regulate. It is most often done in front of others - I have to be put down whatever the circumstance. Mum did it to my Dad all the time and he found social things very hard because he had no idea what stories she had told of him beforehand - he knew she would have put him down to everyone and was very anxious waiting for the penny to drop at any social function. If I have a success, my mother will find a way to tell me what a failure I am. My role is the family failure and the bad one,. I am not Asperger’s but I am constantly told that I am and that there is something wrong with me, but that has been tarred and feathered into me. I am certainly the truth teller and that makes me very very bad. When my brother, aka golden child, was at boarding school, I was invisible. My mother was massively depressed without him and then God would come home for holidays and she would be up in the clouds, yet I was still invisible. I remember hilariously getting up on a table and pretending to be a chicken laying an egg- my father laughed his head off at the time. But now I think it waa an attempt to not be invisible oh yeah, I used to be told that I had deliberately done things. My brother is convinced I am the family problem too. Now my father is dead, I have no ally. He was also a scapegoat for the whole family and told he was an idiot (with an IQ of 153!!!) Now it is all on me.
Thank you for sharing. I so relate to your story & lol at your reference to your Golden Child brother as "god"; I used to refer to mine as "The Second Coming".
Oh Elaine "THE SECOND COMING " just gave me a good laugh! The bizarre reality of this video that so many of us have experienced and the "spot on phrases" we have come up with are entertaining to hear. I am not making light of the pain. It's just that the creative phrases sing to the tune of truth. It's making me smile.
I also have a video on the Empath child in a scapegoating family, as well as a chapter on the Empath and scapegoating in my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I have known for a long time that I am the empath, even before I could comprehend what that was. I tried to stand up for Dad and was punished & shamed for it long before I ever realised what I had been trying to do. I could see the pain he was in but had no real idea how to deal with it and just got clobbered. So I ended up doing a half way house version of help that didn’t really help him. Until I saved a colleagues life by using my skills on a large scale and with permission (I have no idea how the person who asked me to be involved knew to ask me), and learnt what my superpower can be used for. It is a blessing and a curse which you still get punished for, sometimes on a massive scale because you are not supposed to see the weaknesses……..especially weak men who then demand power over their vulnerability being seen. I am pretty adept at zooming right through the BS and get whacked for it frequently. I still can’t understand why others can’t see what I see.
PS - My mother used to tell embarrassing stories about me at EVERY family dinner. My brother was the troublemaker and made horrible grades but she never told any embarrassing stories about him … EVER!
Angie, if this is the case, you may find my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed' helpful. It is an introductory guide to what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA).
Not sure if you read the article I co-wrote that I linked in the video description. I do compare this form of covert abuse to maunchausen (by proxy). It is now called 'Factitious disorder', btw.
My mom had polio at a very early age & was brought up as a victim. She had poor balance & fell once while carrying me. When she told me about this incident, it was to explain to me why she knew I was a psychopath. While she was falling, she tossed me out from under her. I then didn't cry until she picked me up again, so she "knew" I'd rejected her. I tried unsuccessfully to argue that sometimes babies don't cry until they know they'll be comforted. No, according to her, I'd rejected her. This is only one of the crazy beliefs she had about me. I'm 72 now & am surprised at how much of my scapegoated childhood still informs my psyche. Thanks for this & all your videos.
You're welcome. This comes up often in my FSA research and with clients: Infants being blamed for failing to bond with their mother and thus destroying their relationship. Yet another 'bizarre reality' FSA targets live with.
Omg...I was 3 weeks late, almost breached but turned myself around at last minute and yet still the doc used forceps on my head! I never heard the end of how my Mom was in labor for 16 hours! As if I did it on purpose and was trying to kill her. I always knew I was scapegoated and the black sheep. It was horrific. My Dad was low key but he enabled NM. When I was 1 year young my NM asked why I couldn't be like my friend April. I was going to ask her why she couldn't be like April's mom but I knew I'd be punished so I kept my mouth shut. I remember spilling some milk and my mom threw a fit over it.
My birth was similar and I have neck issues today because of it. As I said, this stuff can start as soon as one pops out of the womb - or even before - such as an unplanned pregnancy that one or both parents resent for whatever reason.
I have a neighbour who has 2 daughters. One I have Never seen, she lives in another country, easy flight home. I just knew this was the ONE who had the dramatic premature birth 4 decades ago. Mom and Dad tip along together, lots of time, hobbies and good health….lovely couple 🤨
This happens much more common in Asian families, i believe. And because of the thousand years old tradition of “filial piety” that permeates almost every area of Asian family dynamics, everyone would believe & support the narc father or mother. No one believes the scapegoat child because in Asian cultures, children are supposed to put their parents on pedestals, obey & honor their parents no matter what. People even think it’s honorable if you tolerate the abuse from your parents, given that they’re willing to acknowledge what happened to the scapegoat is abuse in the first place
I do see this often with my Asian and Asian-American clients. Complex trauma symptoms are often exhibited via various types of somatic symptoms as well.
I think in my case it was abuse by extension. My father directly was verbally abusive towards me when I was under his roof. After his fifth divorce he needed a place to live and I became useful to him. He lived with my ex, children and I for one year. Even during that time he could not completely restrain himself from being abusive but always waited until no one was around to witness it. Since that time my siblings have carried on his abuse. The last time I saw my father (when he was still able to verbalize) I was told I don’t deserve anything I have and that I left my ex husband for no reason. My siblings had clearly supported and sided with my ex I realized he had been supporting their negative attitude towards me and they supported his. My ex drank regularly to excess, came home high most days of the week and wanted to “stay married and live separate lives “ when I finally had the guts to say enough and file for divorce. It was clear I was blamed for the problems in my marriage my my siblings. I see it all so clearly now and now understand why it was so painful for so long trying to explain myself to them so they would understand why I had to make the very difficult and painful decision to file for divorce.
I discuss this in my first 'Bizarre Reality' video - the family aligning with the ex - and linked an article I wrote about this in the video description as well. Quite common, actually, in highly dysfunctional or narcissistic family systems - as well as alcoholic family systems.
I’ve never resonated more with a video than I do with this one. I’m 40 years old. I spent my entire childhood being “the difficult child” or too sensitive, too much, too emotional, too everything. I’ve only just discovered in the last couple of years that I was never the problem. And I’m finally learning what boundaries and healthy relationships look like. My first step was to go no contact with my mother. And because of that, I’ve lost a relationship with my entire family, dad and sister included. But nothing…*nothing* feels greater than finally feeling like I am me. And, I am deserving of love they could never give me.
It is a difficult decision but for some FSA adult survivors, the only means of moving forward into a life of serenity and health. Linking you to my FSA survivor resource list for more education and support: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/resources
You speak so much sense, I always look forward to your insight 🙂. Thank you for all the wonderful work you do in highlighting this deeply, less known trauma.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabusethis was the narrative sold to my family since I can remember. My mother is the long suffering martyr and I’m the awful ungrateful daughter who’s also too sensitive, strange mix 🧐
💯 spot on! I have been binge watching your videos all day and I can say, wow. Someone FINALY GETS IT. please clone yourself asap!! 😊 A legion of you is needed, badly!! Thank you! 🙌
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse thank you Dr Mandeville, you're so helpful. I can only hope more of us rejects can thrive and learn when to kick the toxic garbage in our lives to the proverbial curb where it belongs. Enough is enough. Its gotta get to to that 'f#ckem all' mentality or we're doomed to fall for it again and again. No more. The cult is dust... Blessings 🌸 🦋 🌟
Thank you so much. This is an exact description of my childhood and my mother's behaviour. Having it articulated by a neutral third party has brought some clarity to the confused mess that was in my mind. Thank you again
You're welcome, Wendy. Always sad to hear someone relates - but at the same time, glad this has helped to validate your experiences. My most recent video is on traumatic invalidation and scapegoating, by the way...
My family’s mantra is basically “IF I would just be different, do different, dress different, act different THEN they would be okay.” and since I won’t/can’t change who I am, it’s my fault…..whatever it was.
This video explains a lot of what I couldn't put into words when I was a 6 year old. I remember looking through the photo albums. My 6 siblings infant photos that are taken at the hospital were in the photo album. There is no infant photo of me from the hospital. I saw photos where my mom was not holding me as a baby. She'd either be standing next to my crib or seated on the couch while I played on the floor. She is holding the other siblings in photos. When I asked, she said her pregnancy with me was during the time her adoptive mother died, and that I bonded with dad as an infant. I still didn't understand. Still don't understand today. I enjoy watching your videos. You discuss the deeper issues behind being a scapegoated kid. Thank you very much
I'm glad you find my videos helpful, BB. This Saturday I'll be discussing scapegoating in dysfunctional versus a narcissistic family system so you may want to watch that one and I hope you have subscribed.
My mum, a psych nurse, is the master of this technique. I’ve been saying for years that I’ve been ‘sacrificed on the altar of convenience’ for my family my entire life.
I felt that! Thank you. Like a little nod from the universe affirming this is what has happened to me. (I have lived in cognitive dissonance for so long it's often a psychological effort to stay firm in my truth - and still I will tell myself I'm 'just watching things on you tube making up stories about my mother because I'm a bad person who is disrespectful and unkind'!). Yes. This is affirming. Thank you. Emily X
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse thank you. Yes, I watched this the other day. I've watched all your videos! Interestingly I saw these traits more in my covert narcissist mother than I did myself. My therapist; an amazing trauma informed IFS trained woman that has worked with me for 5 years and recently helped me identify mother as covert narcissist. She also suggested my mother may have disassociating parts. I've had a lot of EMDR and TRE and IFS therapies so any of these traits I may have had aren't as 'charged' as they were. I might listen again. This journey has been extraordinary and I'm so grateful for how the puzzle pieces drop in. I am 3 months into estrangement. Its extraordinary. I had ongoing suicide ideation, pervasive sense of worthlessness as my core self and this prevailing part that existed as a ghost. Estrangement has totally deactivated these parts ; almost immediately. It was atmospheric. Thank you. Yes. I will listen again. With gratitude. Emily X
@@franklinplayz6323 I use TIST therapy - I discuss this in the clinical video I released last week, the one right after the Structural Dissociation Video. Dr. Janina Fisher developed TIST and she does incorporate several modalities, including IFS. Very effective treatment pathway for those with complex trauma and what I am now calling 'family scapegoating trauma' (FST).
Ya, this helps explain why everything was so crazy for me whenever I was around my family. One by one, all 4 of my siblings turned agonist me. I couldn’t understand why! The only person I was talking to was my mom. I was so desperate to get back in with the family! I just wanted a normal summer bbq with all of them but it would never work out. They would get together the week before I arrived from out of town. It was always something. The last thing my mom said to me was “don’t you get it, I am the only contact you have with everyone.” And she hasn’t reached out one time. Not even once. She tried to get my son to align with her but he wouldn’t take the bait so the entire family has left me and my 4 kids. And my husband. No one has anything to do with me or my kids. I have friends. I have my husband’s family. But my heart aches with confusion and sadness.
Rebecca, sadly, many of my clients and research respondents have gone through this as well. It is quite common in regard to what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA). Gaining clarity takes time and I'm glad you found this video helpful in regard to your own FSA experiences.
Thank you. I have spent my almost 60 years healing from my childhood. I am proud of the progress I have made over the years, as both my sister died of drug overdoses, they never seemed to be able to heal their hearts from the rejection we all felt. Recently my mother passed and I seem to be digging deep again, lost memories are surfacing and I am once again working with my inner child and helping her release all the shame and grief she holds (the layers seem endless). This video shook me to my core.
I've loved your videos about the family system and I understand why everything is the way it is better. I went no contact from my family when I was 18 and didn't see anyone for years. I ran into my sister during the pandemic and I guess I thought enough time had passed, but it ended up being really bad for me. She's been trying hard to keep the family together, I suppose, ever since my mom's gotten older and is in assisted living... She thinks she's the mom of the siblings now and she had quite a narcissistic outburst when I tried setting boundaries (I was okay seeing her, I thought, but I really didn't want to see the rest of my family... But she forced me to.) She's really into being a martyr.... She even called me a "shitty daughter" at one point. I was doing great before I came across my family again. The years away were good for me. I feel like I'm starting all the way over in healing after seeing my family again. I was guilt tripped pretty good this time around and it made me have confusing, conflicting feelings about it that I know are just buttons she knew she could press. While I really wish I hadn't run into her, I'm kind of glad I did. I think I'm doing very well, actually. I don't think I would've realized the extent of what I survived if I hadn't seen those people again.... I dodged a bullet.
I'm sorry you had to go through that. However, it seems that your original decision was validated, which can be very helpful when one is on the road of recovering from FSA and moving toward 'radical acceptance' of painful realities.
1) Join my new FSA Education online community for adult survivors on SUBSTACK at familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/. Subscribe for free to receive my FSA-related articles or become a paid subscriber to access Community features where you can engage with other FSA adult survivors via Group Chats and Discussion Threads.
2) Purchase my introductory book on Family Scapegoating Abuse (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) via this Universal Buy Link, which includes links to Amazon: books2read.com/intro2fsa.
I love that movie!
Thank you so much for creating and offering this insightful book! I'm genuinely looking forward to receiving it on Saturday. It seems to be exactly what I've been enduring and dealing with for quite some time now, and I can't wait to dive into its pages and gain a deeper understanding. Your expertise and educational enlightenment on family dynamics have been invaluable to me. I'm truly grateful for your contribution in helping me navigate these complex issues. 🙏
Oh sooo true. I’ve learned my mother was a covert narcissist who had to adopt me and give her life up. She would bring up me getting kicked out of history class (talking too much) forever. I’m 66. She is long gone and didn’t speak to me for over a decade. Peaceful. Before she died her sister gave me the message she wanted to talk to me. I had tried to see her over the years but she wouldn’t open the door. That last meeting put me in a tailspin. It was awful. She would say I was bad and had always been bad. She was jealous of me. Hated the relationship I had with my dad. What made her furious is that I divorced and later married a dark skinned foreign guy😮. He saved me and we have been together 34 years. Everything you’ve said was right on. I could go on and on with the stories. You tube videos have helped me so much. Thank you.
Powerful examples of what I refer to in this video. Thank you for sharing your experiences and glad you met a wonderful partner and that my videos have been helpful.
I was raised by narcissistic parents. My father had overt narcissistic tendencies and was verbally and psychologically abusive, especially to me who was the family scapegoat after my parents divorced. I was the problem child he would complain about to anyone who would listen. My mother, I’ve come to learn decades later, is a covert narcissist. She came at this ploy from a different direction. She posed herself as the overly concerned parent. I was her problem child because of my emotional and mental health problems, and she was doing everything she could for me. What a wonderful mother. So for years, I had been trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I had diagnosis after diagnosis from different doctors. I truly thought I was mentally ill. And I suppose I WAS after being raised in this manner. Both parents were telling me I was just not right, that there was something wrong with me, and I believed that there was something intrinsically wrong with me. But there was nothing ever really WRONG with me. Once I disconnected from her (I had done so with my father many years before), it’s incredible how my mental health improved. I now believe that all the diagnoses I had gotten in the past were situational. Only after letting my covert NM go, could I see that this was something she put on me. She used it to control and manipulate me through the years, and to make herself look good. Thank you for your accurate description of this phenomenon. I feel validated having watched your video and listened to you describe my parents-lol! Also, thank you for the compassion with which you communicate. I have gleaned so much help, validation, support, encouragement and information from people like you. What you do is of great value ♥️♥️♥️ thank you!
You're very welcome. Such a powerful comment. I understand this one first hand. The analogy I use for this is it is as if you were covered in tar as a child, and then all these projection feathers floated your way from the scapegoating family members via dysfunctional and/or narcissistically fueled family processes, and eventually you are tarred and feathered, and you don't even know it. You were conditioned into it. You think this is your own skin - the black tar and the feathers. And your skin (you) can't breathe. Glad you are now standing in the truth of who you most TRULY are. And breathing...
Im 65. For at least the past 10 years I noticed my mother would stare at me with sheer unadulterated hatred. Constantly. And clench her teeth and speak to me with clenched teeth. I knew she had always hated me but this was a new level. Ive been NO CONTACT for 6 years now. My only regret is that I didnt do it sooner. I now understand that I was her mirror everytime she looked at me. And she hated me for reminding her of her failings as a mother .....and as a human being.
Powerful image / description. I'm sure more than a few people here will relate. Once you see that 'look', you never forget it...Was just discussing this with a client yesterday, in fact.
@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse My son died of cancer 2 years ago. I visited his graveside... and my dad's. My mother arrived unexpectedly. She wouldn't look at me or speak to me. Again, the clenched teeth. How much does a mother have to hate her daughter not to comfort her while she grieves the death of her child? I will never EVER understand.
It is indeed incomprehensible. And society still resists the idea that a parent can hate their own child. Despite a plethora of evidence that they can.
@@dgvfsa66yes. That look of abject hatred. It becomes very intense as they get into old age. My husband put it down to jealousy. But she had always hated me. I think she wanted me to fail in life but despite her every effort and my struggle through a horrendously abusive childhood, I did better than her 😂😂😂
@@annandall9118 SAME !!!!
I was told repeatedly as a child “No one will ever love you!” and more recently was told “You always were a bother!” because I went into hospital for surgery and coming to visit me “was too much of a bother for my mother” I was and still am the scapegoat and punching bag accused of things I never did but based more on the moody whims of my mother, the physical abused was horrific as my brother got older he too joined in on the act and physically abuse me, my mother would just walk out the room. both my mother and brother are the most nastiest meanest sadistic people I’ve met in my life. I was really quiet, agreeable, pleasing, willing to do anything to keep the peace and still endured insults, accused of things I have no idea what they’re talking about and horrific physical abuse. It’s really hard to even just recall these memories my body starts to shake. I HAD to go no contact and I will never have anything to do with them again.
Many FSA adult survivors who were treated this way do develop complex trauma symptoms and are sensitive to 'triggers'. If you haven't already, you may want to read more about this in my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'.
Same here
Same, same- two brothers for me, and an enabler father. Went no contact 8 years ago- best thimg I ever did
Whoa. That's NOT true. THEY were the problem , not you. What kind of person tells a child " no one will ever love you" ?. A disturbed , demented person is who!
"The Martyr Parent Ploy" is a really great term! It describes the covert narcissistic parent's pathological compulsion to undermine the wellbeing of their own children. .
Thank you, Marcia, I will let S.P. Crawford know you found the term helpful and spot on!
Yes it is definitely a problem when they sabotage their own children or hinder the child growth and then they'll be annoyed if the child needs their help usually from learned helplessness or if the child doesn't need their help and is independent of them that causes some kind of narcissistic injury as well.
Amen.... this evil must be annihilated.
In my opinion,the covert, cult like mind control of a narcissistic family is a psychological variant of human trafficking.
WELL SAID!! Thank you!
This is my story! I have finally given up on anyone in my family ever seeing the truth of the matter, but YOU see it and that means a lot. My heritage was that your family are your best friends, but I am striking out and starting a new pattern, finding my closest friends elsewhere. Thank you, thank you, for this helpful video and all your work, Rebecca. It is making such a difference. 💜
You're welcome, Donnell - Creating 'Found family' and 'Chosen family' is a worthy goal, indeed. I wish you well in your journey.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you! 🙏
I think giving up on making them see the truth is a sign of self love I know when I let people tell me how to think or feel I start self hating
@@leahflower9924 This ties into 'radical acceptance' - which is a key to healing from FSA, as mentioned in some of my videos here and in my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'.
For me, my true family is the 'family' I choose, and that is based on mutual love, respect, support and trust. You don't necessarily have to give up on your whole family....but removing oneself from toxic environments, relationship and situations is usually the best thing for healing to occur and for long-term wellbeing. My sister was heavily scapegoated. I was too....to a different but equally damaging way.. What she/we (all my siblings and I) experienced growing up was psycho-emotional warfare. She has started to go to therapy and study psychology. I hope she can heal and source her own love/support/peace from within. I broke away from the toxicity many years ago. She now understands why I keep my distance and maintain firm boundaries.
This is my mother’s favorite role to play. Being the matriarch of a highly dysfunctional family riddled with sexual, physical and mental abuse. She is the perpetual victim manipulating all of her children. She finally divorced my father but still continued a relationship with him and her boss. Eventually my psychopathic father tried to kill her and the lover. He went to prison and she became the victim again. I broke up so many of their domestic violence fights as a teenager. She was a co-creator in all of the violence. I moved away and built a life for myself. My father died in prison and she carried on her martyrdom. In my 40’s I cut off contact due to her highly narcissistic personality. I am still recovering from all the trauma. I am thankful for Rebecca and other therapists that are speaking out about scapegoating abuse. I highly recommend her book for those seeking answers to what occurred during childhood. ❤
Thank you for endorsing my book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed, Melanie. Sounds like you've really been through it but am glad to hear you have clarity on what actually happened to you that was traumatizing.
Wow, this comment is heavy. I’m so sorry for your family troubles and wish you nothing but healing, prosperity, and joyful living. Best wishes
I am so sorry for all you suffered. I hope you find healing. Had some similar abuse that could have headed to murder, but fortunately didn’t. I worried what would happen if it did when I was a child and a teen. My heart goes out to you.
Life can be really tough for few of us. We don't realise until we place ourselves in someone else's shoes. I'm so sorry you had to go through so much. I wish you all the healing, peace and love of the world. Take care of yourself.
Sounds sadly familiar
The word 'love' was never spoken in our house . Constant beratings , name calling , insults , belittling along with a heavy dose of physical punishment to teach me that I was a 'rotten good for nothing' ,'miserable' ,'turned out no good' . should be beaten every day' , 'the type of person that starts wars' , 'not even human' and on and on . I came to hate both my parents - father was a grandiose narc , mother a covert narc whom I found much more damaging with her two faced violence and constant verbal abuse . Thank you for shedding more light on this despicable behaviour that is most often hidden behind closed doors .
Just my story.
May God bless you.
You're most welcome, Pavla. I'm glad you're here.
This is absolutely awful. Sorry you had to experience that kind of treatment, unfortunately I can relate.
Hope you are healing and doing well now.
Best wishes! :)
I completely agree on mom being the one more damaging covertly. 👍 Mine cleverly managed to make dad the bad guy and herself the "long suffering martyr" with all her little protective "chicks"/offspring gathered around her. Except me, the one holding the mirror up to her. 😆
We might be cousins when we go to Heaven! I'm Keith.
"The child is set up to fail." Yes! And this behavior continues well into adulthood.
Set up to fail; and, if the child / adult child succeeds in something, it will typically be overlooked, dismissed, minimized, upstaged, or ignored (I discuss this dynamic here in this video): ua-cam.com/video/J7oHsRjBHRE/v-deo.html
This is totally my story. I was born by c-section in 1959 after 56 hours of labor. As a woman who's been in labor 3x I can sympathize. However, my birth became my legacy including possible brain damage being told to anyone who would listen. Btw, I was speakimg in full sentences at a year old and was a bright child as reported by all of my relatives. I finally went full NC. Best thing Ive ever done for myself.
Painful but perfect example of what I sought to convey in this video (and accompanying article - see video description). I celebrate your decision to come out from under the dark cloud cast over you into the light of your true self!
Man! I too was born Csec. in 1959! I went no contact around age 42 as I had a serious suicide attempt due to the mother's abuse! I wish to God I had went no contact at age 22, I very well could have saved myself a lot of grief. My siblings went no contact with me to pay me back for breaking out of their sickness. the old lobster story. Now my sister haunts me with Christmas cards but its too late, too much water under the bridge. I am alone with my autistic son who I wouldn't want subjected to their booze and cigarettes. My mom and aunt tried to get me to put him in an institution when he was a baby, neither one of them could love a special needs child. Most of my cousins and their kids have committed suicide.
I'm so grateful I didn't listen to those sick, sick bitches!
so many horror stories, she killed my dog when I was 18, she just couldn't stand for anyone or anything to love me
Unfortunately it may have been the most newsworthy thing to ever happen to your mom…her claim to fame. I’m so sorry you carried that burden. 😢
I am in my 70's. My mom was an alcoholic and my father was a military pilot. Regularly, they would sit in a chair, make me stand in front of them for hours, doing what I later learned was a "dressing down"... what did you do wrong!!! What is the matter with you!!! Who do you think you are!!! What did you do that for!!! and on and on. I would be crying so hard I couldn't breathe. I looked and looked for a therapist who understood that cruelty, many thought it was my imagination.
I sure love you, Rebecca, thank you for all of your work, helping me to understand and make sense of the craziness!
So glad you're here - You have so much courage, and I do hope you have developed a strong support system of people who believe what happened to you in your family.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse thank you, yes, my wonderful husband of 25 years is very loving, understanding and supportive. Heavenly inspiration, guidance deep prayer and scripture study, journaling, researching and YOU strengthens me. Learning that many people throughout all time have dealt with mentally ill family members, mean employers, fake friends, etc teaches me that I can overcome the cruelties and gives me hope for a good future.
Hugs.....
@@lifetools-help8017 Your pleasure is their pain and your pain is their pleasure. Cluster Bees are evil.
I relate to your comment. Being forced to stand for a long time and being questioned and lectured. Being told "You dont know how lucky you are....", when my home was a constant war-zone.
I hope you are doing well. Psalms 27:10+11
Closely related to the martyr parent syndrome is lèse-majesté - offense to the monarch! My whole life I offended my mother (and family) just by existing!! Now I am offending them by staying away! You really can't win 😉
That is a classic feature of a dysfunctional or narcissistically structured family system, and has been researched on quite a bit in the field of Family Systems: Double binds, i.e., "damned if I do, damned if I don't."
I didn’t even know there was a name for what my situation was like. You’ve hit on head on. I’m 60 and still trying to cope with my feelings.
I gave it a name during my research on this form of 'invisible' abuse ('family scapegoating abuse' / FSA). It deserved a name of its own, as this form of abuse can happen in any type of dysfunctional family system, not just a narcissistic one (making it distinct from narcissistic abuse, with shared qualities/family behaviors at times).
Ditto 😐
Same
I'm sad we all know this feeling.
Same. This is astounding and this is exactly what happened to me. I’ve had guilt for 60 years, always thought I was the problem. I knew something was wrong with her but couldn’t put my finger on it and everyone else thought she was fine. So I thought it was me. There’s a special place in hell for her despite what ms perfect Christian thinks.
My mom had a tantrum when I was 2 years old. In a high chair and wouldn't eat her greasy nasty hamburger. She screamed and threw the food against the wall. This is my first memory. I was taken to a psychologist and my parents paid this choad to diagnose me with an eating disorder at age 3. I internalized that BS for decades. I now see it for the sick pathology and irresponsible parenting it was. It's difficult to forgive that and look past it.
That is a powerful example of being turned into the family 'Identified Patient' (Family Systems term).
BTW - this is also a good example of why I discuss 'radical acceptance' versus 'forgiveness' in regard to healing from FSA.
@@Ariadne76-k3d I think maybe it’s neither- more like this absolutely 💯 happened. It cannot be undone. Everything about it was wrong, this is very serious child abuse. This was done to me by my parents, totally of their own volition. They colluded together and did all this abuse to me their child. They are 💯 responsible. They totally failed to do their job as parents to love me, mind me and keep me safe. All this is absolutely undisputed facts. I accept all these facts. I do not want to hear perspectives on their psychology. I know all this harmed me. Now I want to get the appropriate help to heal the hurt and harm caused to me, by my parents. This was a violation of my human rights. The hurt and harm is deep and serious. None of it was my fault. Now I want to go on a road to recovery with a competent therapist who can prove their worth to me, by starting with building a good therapeutic relationship with me. A therapist who had done their own personal work, who is well trained and who engages in further training, especially in the treatment of cPTSD and who is engaged in quality and appropriate supervision.
That I accept.
Toddlers usually don't eat hamburgers. I used to work at a daycare.
I am so sorry.😢😢😢😢
I had two martyr parents. From a young age, I was the 'coward', the 'trash', the 'failure' the 'miserable excuse for a human being' - and I had just barely reached puberty. I hadn't done enough to warrant their words, their attitudes but they wanted a scapegoat and I fit their bill. It was amazing how vilified I became and for a long time I believed it. I felt exactly like the ' gutless creep' my father told me I was.
When you mentioned bringing home the date, I nearly fell out of my chair. On my prom night, the boy I was going with arrived at my house before I got home. When I arrived but a few minutes late, my father told this boy, whom he'd never met and who was taking me to the prom, "Go without her. She's not worth the wait."
I didn't date in h.s. because my self-esteem was negligible and I didn't feel equal to other people. A couple years later I ran into this prom date at a party. I didn't have a ride and he offered to walk me home. We stopped at the train tracks to kiss and he then tried repeatedly to rip my pants off. I stopped him and he left. I ended up passing out by the railroad tracks and walked home in the morning.
When I got home, my parents said I was disgusting for staying out all night. I told them nothing as usual because I couldn't tell them when bad things happened to me. I'd either be blamed or they'd go silent and not respond.
I wonder if that prom date remembered how my father disparaged me and thought, well, her own father doesn't respect her, why should I? Horrifying. Truly horrifying. Thanks for the work you do here. It helps us scapegoats move forward.
It truly is horrifying. As I said in the video, scapegoating and narcissistic abuse can indeed happen right in front of you, as your story here confirms. And - you're welcome!
Horrific, you are a brave woman to be able to tell your story so well.
I don’t know about an afterlife…. Heaven is talked about a lot these days… not much mention of hell…. It’s all so sick and twisted.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I hope you're happy and well now and being your true self. 🌹
I cannot imagine parents talking that way to their own child. That is absolutely horrific. Bless you for surviving that and moving forward with your own healing. That’s pretty amazing
Horrible!
My mother claimed that because she became pregnant with me on her honeymoon, she had to stay married to my father, who is a horrible husband. Therefore, her life was ruined. After my birth, she had 8 more pregnancies- 6 live births. She is almost 90, and she still believes her own lies. She’s repeated them so many times over her lifetime dedication to being a martyr that many family members considered me her “problem”. Though I don’t know exactly which “facts” they based that on.
Facts aren't needed when the false (scapegoat) narrative has been repeated enough times by a family power-holder (which is what parents typically are in any family system).
Almost in her 90s huh. She will live FOREVER! lol rejoice
@@klarmy8824 they do- then people think ah old dear and the rest. I know an older couple, his mother was like this and lived well into her 90’s - his wife said that she was living on spite. She described how this woman had no interest in their children and could not understand why she did not want to see her grandchildren, he husband described it as very positive that his mother had no Influence on his children. I understand totally, shows how it is so unbelievable to people from healthy enough families
This phenomena is so bizarre. The insults, the tactics ect. It's like they all subscribe to the same newsletter. Thank you!
I often wondered - even as a therapist - if there is a secret book out there where these types of family scapegoaters are getting their lines... (!)
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse you see the same with men who abuse their partners like the manual. Dina McMillan Ted talk is very worth watching on the male abusers she interviewed
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Me too. It still drives me crazy even tho I'm No Contact.
This is what my mother (dad too) did! I was told throughout my upbringing that I was crazy, disturbed etc, to really anyone who would listen, and indeed often right in front of my face. I was introduced as "This my oldest daughter and she's disturbed ". The whole town thought I was crazy. For most of my life I thought I was crazy. Now both my parents are dead. My youngest sister has been violently abusive to me in childhood and also triangulated my parents against me by accusing me of the things she did (violence, theft etc). Now both my parents have passed and my sister has been triangulating my entire family against me. And yes, she's spreading the rumour I'm narcissistic. I recently went no contact when I realised what stories she's telling about me. I am now pretty much without family. 1,5 years ago I had a stroke, which left me with permanent brain damage. Nobody ever asked me about that or if I need help. (My sister is making it out as if I'm faking it. All the attention went to her and how well she's doing, and to my dad who needed care at the end of his life. At the funeral my sister got all the hugs and I was even downright ignored by some family members.
Devastating. My FSA research revealed that being told you are faking an illness or injury is surprisingly common when you are in the family scapegoat role. I did a video about this here (and mention it in my book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed): ua-cam.com/video/878iNKXSwHE/v-deo.html
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse thank you for your reply. I will buy your book tomorrow. Your video's have been such a godsend! I'm forever grateful for the work you put into this! Thank you so, so much! 🙏💜
Go No Contact ,nothing else !!!!
Shocking there's not more written about this. I'll be reading this next. This is my mother's strategy. Only her pain is real pain. Mine is a grudge, ingratitude, 'anger'. It's like a big magic trick. My Dad backs her up no matter what.
A big red flag for me was when my parents were threatened by my emotions especially if they were negative I was only allowed to act like everything was ok and then internally I could never regulate and everything in my thoughts was negative
@@leahflower9924 Same here. Then they accuse you of "complaining too much"....
That's my story exactly
The bar was always raised, then slammed down on your fingers if you reached it. For example, I earned an A grade in an extremely difficult chemistry course I took one summer. Only one other A grade was awarded. My classmate friend urged me to get a letter of reccomendation from the professor who was also department head. When I told my mother about the grade, she just sneared and said, "Yes, but look how hard you had to work." Yikes! Instead of feeling pride at my accomplishment, I was filled with shame for that summer I had spent studying. Talk about demotivating. It's been 30 years, and I still remember that comment so vividly.
These experiences can really stick in your head. You might watch episode 1 of my Bizarre Reality series here - I mention an opera singer client of mine and how her mother responded to her singing one day...You will relate. (Trigger warning!)
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Yes. Thank you.
My mother actually put me in the cat at 7 years old and told me she was dropping me off at the orphanage. I begged and sobbed and told her I would be better. I can't recount this without sobbing inside.
They used to tell me military school. I was to young to know they were to poor to afford it.
@Rebecca C. Mandeville LMFT - Scapegoat Recovery I was also told along with my sister that our mom's lifw would have been so much easier if she never had us. I could never do this to my own kids. I sure hope they only got pure love from me. Thank you for sharing with me.
@Dawn Spallinger yes, you and all people who went through this are in my heart. I chose to simply push it down and it now resurfaces as nausia and anxiety. I hope you are alright❤️
I heard military school alot.
Report and document. Hopefully, someday these criminal acts will be prosecuted. Maybe later generations will be spared from this abuse.
This is so accurate I am seriously laughing out loud in recognition. I’ve heard every one of these criticisms of myself almost verbatim!! It’s amazing. I mean how can this be a thing? The breast milk, not latching on, I wondered about this for years - like what happened to make me not want to drink my mother’s breast milk??Every thing you mention, all my problems as a difficult baby and daughter, and my mother’s martyrdom, I know it so well. My mother described me this way (to whomever will listen) up until a few years ago when I was in my mid 50s! Before I understood narcissistic parents, I remember thinking my mother has many traits similar to Munchausen by Proxy, but not enough to say that was what she is. I spent years and years looking for an explanation, a diagnosis, anything to help me understand my childhood and the issues I struggled with in adulthood. I learned about this dynamic too late in life. Glad this info. Is more research able and accessible now.
As I have said many times, I used to wonder if there was a secret book out there that such parents were getting their lines from, I've heard these statements so often from scapegoated clients' reports to me about their parent(s).
Rebecca,
Your comment on "the secret book " gave me the giggles. Jane
I was wondering how this applies when the Parent starts recruiting the childs children to start scapegoating too. Its a very hard thing to live with.
It is one of THE hardest FSA dynamics to deal with. And very little written about it. I'm going to address this in a future article / video but there is no easy answer and it is h#$% on the scapegoated parent.
You bring up such a compelling topic as a I am enduring this right now and it's beyond heartbreaking to see your beloved now grown child exploited by your own mother. I tried to protect my daughter from my toxic mother when my daughter was a young child. I told my mom I will never leave her in your care without other adult supervision because I'll be damned if I let you harm her like you harmed me. Let me tell you when my daughter grew up my mom wasted no time sinking her hooks into her .
This is why I never had my own kids.
This information about the covert narcissist martyr parent has been life changing for me. I have been struggling to break through cognitive dissonance and gaslighting regarding my mother. She is a master manipulator and has a mantra "I love my family so much". So, I had to figure out why I had so much conflict and pain with her. I kept thinking it must be me. I was traumatized in my birth family (personality disorders and flying monkeys). I had to figure out how I "ruined her life and the lives of so many others" (blame from mommy dearest). I had consistently been a high achiever, became ill after decades of abuse (married disordered male), and the narcissistic family exploded with rage. I was finally able to connect the dots when listening to this video over and over. I feel the healing in my body as I now carry much less guilt and anxiety. Thank you Rebecca for the great work you do. Scapegoats who suffer a lifetime of this abuse need you!. (P.S. second attempt to comment as first disappeared).
Your comment is here, Pamela. Thank you for taking time to share your experiences around covert narcissism and scapegoating.
I can so relate to this comment, makes me feel less alone/nuts. I'm an only child near 60 and likewise struggle with the rumination cognitive dissonance etc.. my father is a nasty rager or a childish idiot alternately. My mother is the martyr vuln covert one.
This is the type of abuse my mom pulled on me, however it had an opposite effect. I felt like such a burden that i mo ed away. Then she couldnt use me like she wanted to. So she tryed to force me to move back home. Well i felt like such a burden. I didn't want to burden her by living in her space. Then she ignored me and i was disappointed but stayed away. She the ramped up her hoovering and harassment. She started trying to camp out in my apartment as if that was her space and bullied me as if it were her place and it hadn't let home. Cant have it both ways. I move away from the drama and it follows and stalks me. She have her usual tantrum. She would repeatedly say I own you. In my early 30's i had an older couple good friends, legally adopt me. Nothing sreams get lost bit@h, like adopting your ownself out like a pound puppy. I guess im an oddball she would try to hurt me by saying other girls were prettier and smarter. Even as a kid i would give up and say, then why dont you go be their mom. Some times they puch their b/s too far and still dont get their way. These people are hard to get rid of and they act like you are such a dependent burden. I thought once i moved out the punishment was over. Narcissist's aren't even embarrassed to stalk you after your outta the house and financially independent. WTF. Unfortunately the rest of the family has been drinking that narc koolaid and treat you with contempt for stuff that you didn't do in the first place. Then there no point in having a relationship with them. I found out the hard way that the relationship with the family wasn't worth fixing. It is fixed, cut them out and dont look back. These people will try to drag you into the stupidest chaotic b/s ever, the blame and scapedgoat you again for being stupid enough to talk to them. Favorite line from the movie animal house," face it man, you Fu@ked up." "You trusted me."
Thank you for sharing your painful experiences of being in the family scapegoat role.
In my family of origin the parents often behaved as children while the children were held to adult standards so, no doubt, any issues with parenting babies, to the extent they were even addressed, would have been considered the baby's fault. This was as true for non-scapegoated siblings as for me. My sister was nearly strangled in an old crib once and this has been blamed on her.
There are very few stories about the children in my foo, mostly just stories about the parents. As the scapegoat, I have a few negative ones about me that are relied upon heavily. My sisters enjoy a limited number of positive stories about themselves. My husband was met with vague stories of how generally "difficult" I am and "warned off." The topic continued to come up no matter how obviously happily married we've remained over the years. My husband's showing me affection over the years (holding hands, kissing) has been upsetting and even angering to members of my "family."
But generally, I'm nothing until, as the need arises and out of nowhere, I am a liar. I'm just fine left alone raising my family until I'm..."crazy." Both stories make about as much sense as a baby being held accountable for its head size.
This is a key point you make and I'll be sure to expand upon it in a future video or two. "In my family of origin the parents often behaved as children while the children were held to adult standards"
Monstrous tantrums and the rest@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse yes
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse This is so true and they punish us for not automatically knowing things they failed to teach us.
I was told by my father that "our family would have been perfect if it was't for you"
This is such a sad and sick dynamic! Why is this not a crime of abuse under coercive control, I don’t understand. My family altered the course of my life because of their scapegoating. After my dad died, I found boxes of letters and he wrote horrible things about me when I was just 11 years old! He wrote to his friend that “I was so sweet it bordered on the con!” Everything I did in that family was seen as a lie, a con or manipulation when I was just being genuine and nice and trying to do nice things came from my heart and from a place of love but since they had no heart and no ability to love, I’m guessing they assumed I was like them, pure evil. These people know what they are doing. My dad told his friends I was the problem child and all his friends had children who were my classmates so I never stood a chance to be anything but ostracized. The thing is I never even knew any of that was taking place. The smear campaign and the gossip and gaslighting and projection I thought it was my fault and that I must deserve it and be causing it. It took my therapist 2 years to break that trauma bond and finally went NC. I used to be told growing up I was the scapegoat but never knew what that meant and loved them all so I refused to believe there was even anything wrong with them. They were supposed to love me so why would they lie and because they ingrained that into me I believed them. It’s so completely unnatural to have to sever ties with one’s own family but I’ve never met anyone strong enough to laugh off the daggers and criticisms and stay healthy and sane. I wish schools would teach this dynamic. A beautiful girl I grew up with took her own life due to her horrible bullying family. It’s ashame they can’t be charged with murder.
You make many important points here, which are all backed up by my research on what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA). More awareness is needed, including within our educational systems and medical/psychiatric and mental health systems as well.
Thirston yours is a shocking story of parental child abuse.
And also is the terrible story of the young girl who died by torment.
What you wrote about your experiences is so similar to my own that I burst into tears. That this evil goes on and on, spreading like the most malignant cancer in society, has to be stopped. I don’t think that these abusers are human at all.
I'm sorry that this has been your experience as well. It is quite debilitating and demoralizing. My mother clearly enjoys the damage that she does. I recognized the scapegoating/contempt years ago. My mother treats me like I'm her competitor. I'm almost 60 and just arrived at the conclusion that going NC with family of origin and my husband is necessary for my emotional health and recovery. My husband's behavior is very much like my mother's, just not as viscious. I've moved out and started therapy. Recovery will be a marathon for me, not a sprint. I hope you are doing well on your healing journey. ❤
I hear that and feel that. I’m so sorry you went through that, but really happy for you to find some healing. ❤❤❤❤
Wow, that was me. I got blamed for not wanting to drink my narcissistic mothers breastmilk. She told me i was not willing to bond and too independent?! A baby. It's ridiculous to reflect on now after knowing what narcissistic abuse is.
Like I said, this "you refused my breast milk" really is 'a thing' with some of these narcissistic parents!
My mum says I was too aggressive on her breast. That I destroyed them, I will pull the nipple and then laugh so she had to stop 😢
Holy smoke. In all my reading/watching on these types of mothers, I've never seen a comment like this anywhere else. I thought it was just me! My mom blames me for refusing her breastmilk, too! What a bizarre take!
I chuckled when you said many of your clients are mental health professionals. My covert mom was a social worker that worked with kids.
She once gave a presentation during her licensing trial and said that I ruined her plans because she got pregnant before she could go into the army. I was present and got up and left. The best part was hearing her professor reprimand her for that portion of her speech in front of me.
My sister still believes I was the problem - and she was present for the speech. She saw how much teen me was hurt by it and still feels my mother was entitled to “her truth.”
I did not consciously accept the scapegoating. I used to fight the narrative but I now realize it was because it was beat into my subconscious.
With just a couple of exceptions, you described my mother! She didn't breast feed me, but I feel like she would really regret that if she realized how much attention she could have gotten for telling stories about it for decades. For you see, she has always really liked to share what I consider improper subject matter and details and stories about me, like how I wet the bed throughout my elementary school years. Of course she told people about it in front of me which was mortifying. Instead of having compassion for me, she acted like she was a victim of my horrible-ness. I cannot imagine discussing breast feeding or bed wetting in just casual conversations outside of the doctors office. Who wants to hear those stories?? Another thing I thought of when watching your video, is that I have thought to myself MANY times during my lifetime, even way before realizing that she is most likely (ALL OF THE BOXES ARE CHECKED) a covert narcissist, that I believe that my mother would have murdered me if she could just have figured out how to do it and not go to prison. So much contempt, so much constant criticism & complaining about me, all day, every day. I remember on my 9th birthday, she had what I now know was a narcissistic rage meltdown, all because I mentioned wanting a bike. I never had my own bike, all of my childhood. But I was THEEEEE MOST SELFISH person ever for wishing for a bike for my birthday. I mean, my birthday was ruined, but who cares?! I didn't deserve a good day on my birthday! because as the nauseating repeating story went.......I was a problem child.
Children and adult children really can pick up on this 'rage' and hatred toward the child, which is often coming from the parent's hatred of themselves and/or unresolved trauma from their past. Even an infant can be nothing more than a blank projection screen for a parent's immature, disturbed, and/or traumatized /dissociated psyche.
I've always said that had I not been my mother's meal ticket (by trapping my dad into marriage) she would've smothered me and SIDS would've no doubt have been the diagnosis .
I’m sorry that you went through that. I can relate to a lot of it. I remember doing my own laundry in the middle of the night at age 6 because I wet the bed and was scared of my mom’s reaction
Honey I'm so sorry 😭! My mom still does that crap too, & I'm 48 now. I'm glad you're here, getting the info you need, & learning, Oh, IT'S HER/THEM
I am so sorry you endured such an awful awful Mom. that's terrible what she did to you. I Send you my hugs and heartfelt hurt for the painful treatment you endured as a young child. May your life be filled with good people and lots of love and laughter and happy memories to make💙🤗🥺
When I hear that "difficult child" BS, I want to projectile vomit because it's almost always fake and a cover for the parent's disowned insecurity and unwillingness to own that they're actually the difficult parent - woefully inadequate and deceptive to themselves and whoever will listen. No, dear scapegoats. You were not difficult. You had a weak, dysfunctional parent who couldn't woman up or man up and be the emotionally available adult you needed and most certainly deserved. Disgusting! 🤢 You were too good for them. Not the other way around. 💞
Your first sentence nails it. Thank you.
Than you for those words!!@
Thank you 💙💙💙
This helped me feel better! Thank you!
🎯Nailed it. Scapegoats are always the LEAST difficult children who don't ask for much and our narcissistic parents couldn't even handle that.
My narc mom, now in a dementia unit, didn’t make me wear corrective shoes because I didn’t like them. I was 5 years old. I’ve had to use assistive devices since 30 due to lack of physical therapy in my youth. If asked she told people I was a difficult child. It was always to solicit “ you poor thing” making her out to be the martyr. That whole situation makes me uncomfortable as an adult. She’s mentally gone now, but I still can’t understand her lack of empathy. I am now 60, in a wheelchair and am estranged from my siblings. I’ve been no contact with my siblings for years w/ no plea to reconnect. It still feels like my fault but I don’t know why. These videos are very helpful.
Jon child abuse 💯. It’s called wilful neglect. Maybe get very very angry with her and them and curse them with as much energy as you can. It’s all so bad for your body to have all that energy of the abuse stuck in your body. And your body needs all the help it can get. You don’t need do this in person but there is a way…
You deserve a break, I’m a believer in some safe cathartic cursing. Safe because you’re worthy of this safe catharsis. I could give you some ideas but UA-cam will sanction me!
Wilful neglect, that's a good way to remember it. This would apply to many times in my childhood
My mother didnt brush my teeth when I was a small child because I didnt want to. Ruined my teeth completly. The dentist told her off on a check up. She hated him after that and refused to follow me there again, that became my fathers task.
No plea to reconnect ..same happening me .I've gone no contact with 2 siblings for a while now .they know where I live and they know I'm a single mum with no other family ..total narcs
It's been 30 years and my parents still LOVE to talk about what a difficult teen I was. And yes, they do it right in front of me, I just laugh. I refuse to show them that it bothers me.
I sometimes suggest to clients they see these behaviors as being similar to nervous tics if they choose to remain connected - sounds like you found a solution that works for you!
My dad used to like to tell me I was a PITA, my mother told me I was difficult. I was afraid of my parents and tried not to get into trouble( I really was the perfect kid), unlike my golden child sister who never got into trouble. I have been no contact for 5 years.
My mom brings up one fight we had in 89 every time I see her …. 🧟♂️
Next time you could try this reply, " Why do you keep judging a seed for not being a full grown plant?" And then silence after this is said is golden. 😊
@@jimparsons4312 They never forget if you did something "wrong" to them, like saying no or disagreeing with them.
Great video! A few phrases I heard my angry mother repeatedly say to me were, "You didn't turn out like I thought you would" and "I MADE YOU & I CAN BREAK YOU".....oh, how nice and supportive of her!
Whoa! Didn't Dr. Frankenstein say that to his 'creation' in the movie? Scary.
I was cast as the scapegoat in my family by my narcissistic mother. And boy is she the quintessential martyr. Hides behind her religion. I finally (at age 64) went no contact 2 months ago with her and my flying monkey brother. She managed to sabotage my relationships with both of my daughters. The damage may be permanent and I'm devastated about it. 🕊
It can feel devastating, indeed. Linking you to my FSA survivor resource list for additional education and support: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/resources
This reminds me of how my mother would leave breakfast for all four of her children in adult sized plastic cups. (Huge, wide, 80s plastic cups) It was a smoothie made from banana and raw eggs and milk powder. I would drop the damn thing with my tiny 3-5 year old hands. Every morning she and my siblings would call me stupid, clumsy, wasteful, lazy, etc. It would take forever to clean and sometimes I had to change my clothes in a panic (because every morning was a panicked rush).
Every. Damn. Morning.
When I remember I want to scream and also go back in time and take me away from these people.
I call this "righteous rage". I have a video on this here on my channel, as well as a video on " traumatic invalidation," which you may want to check out
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you ❤ I’m currently watching them all and eventually buy the book 😊
This is what I heard and what bore out my entire life thus far. I was told it was me. Every narc I ever met and got involved with be it friend, lover, neighbor or boss. No matter what I gave, what I tolerated to get accepted, loved or included, it was for naught. My mother took credit for anything good I did and everything else, I was the cross she had to bear. She projected on me everything she despised about herself and her mother. The whole family, extended family, friends, acquaintances and strangers all got the 'how horrible I was and how hard she tried' story. I always met her psychological twins, trying to win the love of someone who was emotionally unavailable and ultimately resentful when I would give up and walk away defeated, which would start more smear campaigns. Now at 60, I find myself only dealing with a few and have never been happier. I created my own oasis and learning to love and accept myself, getting rid of all these black layers that have been painted on me since day one. I dont know who I am yet, but I know who I am not. You have to have an evil heart to do that to your own child.
Well said, Sharon, thank you. An evil heart - or sometimes a profoundly broken one. The latter is particularly true in cases of intergenerational trauma that goes unrecognized and unaddressed, as described in my book (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed). So much unconscious trauma and anxiety passed down to each generation, causing harm.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse No one's heart is more broken than the scapegoat's, yet we don't choose to do all this harm to others. No matter how we try to sugar coat it, they are evil.
I was the scapegoat and then my sister told my children that I was a horrible monster growing up and that I was mentally ill and if they had a problem to call her. She played a major role in destroying my relationship with my children.
This is far too common and I will be doing a video on this form of familial alienation (not sure that is an actual term but you get the idea...!)
This comment was so familiar that I had to check the name to ensure I didn't write it.
I developed chronic, complex Ptsd that has left me a shell, two years later. When her silent treatment and ostracism no longer affected me, she alienated my nieces from us.
I let my brother live with me for 10 years, let him drive one of my cars, paid for his phone and he did this to me. When my son was a teenager he told him I was a terrible, crazy person and made up lies. Thank goodness my son is very smart and didn’t believe him. He moved out and has lived with my Father now for 15 years. When he did he told everyone I owed him money 😂 He never paid rent or one bill in ten years, never paid for food and I never took a dime from him. He told my family lies about how I raised my children, said I was mentally abusive to them, said I was mean to my husband, etc.
Now my Father,who I have always been extremely close with, just passed away recently and I discovered my brother destroyed his will and stole mine because my Father had left everything to me. He made up another one but the court could tell it was bogus and wouldn’t accept it. I’m in the process of looking for old wills in my storage because my Father redid his Will three times throughout the years. My brother will talk like he’s all about family then behind your back when he doesn’t get what he wants his true self comes out. I was just very wrong about which one was his true self. I’m writing this to warn others because I really wasn’t aware people like this existed. I learned my brother is a vulnerable narcissist and I’ve just recently, after years of confusion discovered I married a covert narcissist. To save my sanity years ago I finally started saying to myself “I live alone, I live alone, I live alone” everyday, I think that’s “grey rocking” 🤷♀️ If not for UA-cam channels like this we’d all still think we were the crazy ones 😂
It's so very scary how we've all been screwed over in the same ways. 😲
Me too me too
Thankyou Rebecca for sharing and bringing some light, I am 62 and I realise how difficult has been my life. I had an alcoholic mother, she felt always a victim of me because It seems I was too difficult for her.
My father was narcisistic, then I grew up in a horrorific home.
At least now I can see the truth.
The truth really can help to set one free - I'm glad you're here but sorry to hear this was your experience!
The very idea that my mother is getting sympathy from others because I won't talk to her anymore is infuriating to me. I know she's doing it... I so tired of carrying secrets for people that hold me in such deep disdain.
Doctor, is it possible for covert narcissists to be happily married to each other?? My parents seem to both be narcissistic, but I cannot imagine how that works!
That wouldn't be typical but given everything I've seen in my 20-plus year career in Family Systems, ANYTHING is possible!! Question: Does one parent seem more 'dependent' (or submissive toward) the other?
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Yes. My mom is more submissive, but she's my biggest abuser of the two.
The omnipotent father -god and the adoring,humble blameless mother wife basking in his light?
@@bohotumbleweed8319 In this case, the OP shared that both parents may be covert narcissists, but good question in general when discussing these types of parents.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Regarding the question of having two narcissistic parents, have you heard of the term "Inverted Narcissist"? Sam Vaknim coined it I believe. He describes it in his videos as a shy/vulnerable narcissistic parent/co-dependent that chooses only narcissistic partners. His description and yours (Martyr narcissistic parent) is very accurate to my situation.
"Some of you may be really feeling a bodily sensation when I'm looking right into the camera and saying this"
I was literally dancing around the room and punching the air.
I wasn't the problem.
The messages I got were quite covert overall. Apparently I was a 'good' baby and was planned for. But the stories my mother used to tell me always implied that I was defective because there were no good stories. Things like, the time they pointed out a bird to me but I couldn't see it. Looking back I realized that this was because I already needed glasses. It was finally found in grade 3 when the teacher was shocked that I couldn't see the writing on the blackboard. This and similar stories all stayed the same. I guess they preferred the idea that instead of needing glasses I was just defective as a human being.
This may go along with the dysfunctional family projective identification process - there is an unconscious need to turn a child into the 'identified patient' in the family.
Oh my gosh! Same! I didn't get glasses until freshman year of high school! 😳
You just described my life with my mother Almost to a T. I was blamed for being a difficult pregnancy, a colicky baby, a disrespectful child who didn’t listen and whenever I spoke up it was considered talking back. My mother told anyone and everyone what a difficult child I was, and she was always telling me that I was lucky she took care of me and did things for me, you’ve explained my life in this entire video. The talking about me however, went on behind my back, she would never say anything in front of me for fear that I would stick up for myself or contradict her narrative.
I see that sort of conscious, calculating dynamic more often in narcissistic family systems versus traumatized, dysfunctional ones (e.g., only behind your back).
The more I think back about everything it really just makes me question how much of it was real and how much of it was a fabricated reality. It's like my entire life really has been a lie. The ultimate gaslight. Every facet of my life growing up was a perfectly crafted version of what they thought it should be. And when I started doing my own thing that didn't align with what they thought it should be is when I became the "problem". And now that I've become educated, I'm REALLY a problem for noticing just how fucked it's all been the entire time
I don't have the inkling to reach out for help because every time I have, it's just been dismissed or nobody was ever available or willing to help in a meaningful way. Unless they directly benefited from it. While I was always there at the drop of a hat. And that's why I am so self reliant. Because if nobody will help then I have no choice but to figure it out and do it on my own. And in doing so for such a long time, I got pretty good at getting good at anything I ever did and how to figure things out on my own. Because I've always been on my own
You have a great way of saying it like it is/was for all of us. It's definitely f'd up
The validation your videos are giving me are priceless! As I write this, I am waiting on my Amazon delivery of your book. I fear now the damage my estranged, adult child will continue to suffer until she finds her way to healing. It has taken me 55 years to pinpoint the trauma. This is all thanks to your lifelong work. God bless you! ✨💖✨🙏🕊
You are very welcome - I hope you find my book helpful.
This is so validating. My mom fits so much of this martyr parent description. She would often make sure in public settings to let people that barely knew me, know a list of negative, disparaging or embarrassing things about me, so they would know I was a such an awful person without even knowing me. I became an adult who tried hard not to do the "bad" things I did as a child like cry, complain, show human emotion, get sick often etc. smh. What a mess to unlearn!😆
Yes, this is how it works with these types of parents. I call this the "scapegoat narrative" - a narrative they will repeat again and again to anyone who will listen as a preemptive strike, so to speak. Watch my video here: ua-cam.com/video/syjUNqa1lNc/v-deo.html
Since becoming aware of your book , videos and reccomended books, I realise the damage that has been done to the personality by this scapegoating abuse. The fragmented parts are now being healed in my later years. I was left thrown to the wolves, humiliated publicly and reputation completely destroyed. It is very uplifting in my solitary life that this is being validated.
I have heard from many people who are just learning what happened to them; as I mentioned in my book, one lovely lady was in her eighties and learning about FSA from my book brought her a great deal of peace.
wow. the fact that it can start from infancy and before.. establishing the "difficult child" narrative is mind-blowing.
Yesss!!! Me being a difficult colicky baby is a favorite story of my covert narcissist mother. Good lord the martyrdom. And she tells the story in a way like I should’ve had control over that as a baby…..the fact that no adult saw how toxic and weird that story is goes to show how many toxic people I have been surrounded by my entire life.
“The difficult, colicky baby” comes up often in my research on what I call the ‘scapegoat narrative’. This was the story enforced upon me as well. And yes, how sad that others sat and listened to this drivel, and no-one thought (or cared enough) to intervene. It’s quite a burden for any child to have to carry.
😄This rings so true! Funny thing, once when my covert narc mother sat loudly complaining about me (she constantly complaines and me, my farher, her co-workers, her health etc etc) in her sowing cirkle (litterally), I was about 4 y o, ruminating over how difficult I was, her aunt who was barren said ”I wish I had something to complain about”. 😅 As of today 45 years later my mother still cant stand her aunt. She brings this thing up and snarks over how nasty this was and that her aunt allways has been mean to her. She just cant relate to that she herselfe was very inconsiderate to this woman who couldnt have children at all.
Again. Right on target. I tried to earn her love until 2014 when I learned the truth... that I'm not hard to love, but she is not capable of loving me ever. Knowing that, she could not dangle that false hope over my head like bait anymore and I have up... went no contact... and then she sought revenge and has tried to destroy me ever since. Sadly she has succeeded in so many ways. But I'm still here. I'm still fighting for my life.
Hi Rhonda - was going to send you this video but I see you saw it already. I know you have really been through it. Thank you for being here and supporting my work on FSA.
Stand strong, I can absolutely relate, we are here for you. I am so glad you and I both found Rebecca.
Rhonda
I am sorry for your pain.
"LOVE" seems to be their trump card to play. However they speak about what they do not know. May God pour His comfort into your heart.
You ARE loved.
Keep fighting. It's truly worth it. I chased after my mother's love too. I thought that was the prize I'd always wanted. But really, we are the prizes we need and deserve and away from them, we can thrive.
Stay strong beautiful
Wow! Do you know my family? Because it sure sounds like you do. LOL. During my teens, I actually told my mother to stop being such a martyr. Got a hard slap across the face.
All of this was the soundtrack of my childhood, followed by a comparison to my sibling - perfect birth, model infant, easy and lovable child. Over and over and over.
It is very painful and I am sorry you had that happen to you too. Just know that millions of people would have loved you as a perfect gift of life, precious baby in a more healthy, emotionally mature family. Take care. Wishing you all the best.
Bloody hell! I thught I have processed it ages ago and put it well behind me, but this video just hits home so hard! I got a headache halfway through 😢
Where was UA-cam 20 years ago? This content would have made such a huge difference!
Hi Miriam, it's a lot to take in, isn't it? Do consider also reading my introductory guide on this form of abuse, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed. Many people find it extremely helpful.
Moving the goal post. I was 60 before i slowly started to get it. I was NEVER GOING TO GET HER APPROVAL. Still sorta painful but not being in the family anymore my life is drama free and feels like im on a perpetual vacation. Shes turned the family against me. I have a wonderful husband and fantastic friends who are for me. Its really nice and safe.
Ms Mandeville. From the bottom of my aching heart, thank you. ❤
You are so welcome!
Thank you Rebecca.
Martyr. Hit the nail on the head.
I was told, quite often, that I didn't know how to love or receive love.
It took awhile but I finally realized mom was stating a fact about herself, not me. I am going to read your article now. We appreciate you!
So grateful, Jane.
Indeed, the words are most often evidence of "projection." One of the phrases familiar to me were "You're so cold" as a young child and then teen. Ouch.
That's narc speak for "You don't know how to worship me or to happily and passively receive whatever BS I dish out to you".....
Thanks again for doing this work. It so insidious and it's so hard to understand if you haven't experienced this yourself. It's taken me 55 years and the last 6 years of crazy cognitive dissonance to really even grasp what I've been struggling with my entire life.
You are so welcome.
My birth almost killed my mother, according to her. (Never mind that I almost died as well.) I was the second child and meant to be a boy, but I failed at that too. But not to worry, she found a use for me as a surrogate caretaker for my older, more special sibling. My self-esteem had to be built from the ground up, much later in life.
Powerful example of the topic of this video. Glad to hear you found a way through to the truth of who you actually are.
This was absolutely my experience, which led to a young toxic controlling marriage to a narcissist, I’m 37 and still trying to recover from the past.
Sounds like you have some clear awareness now regarding how you ended up in your marriage. We do tend to "go to what we know." But eventually, we hopefully know better, allowing us to choose differently in future.
Yup, this is my mother. I am the eldest of three and at my brother's wedding a couple years ago (and the last time my remaining family of origin were together), my alcoholic mother made a comment about me having 'issues' (which she has said in the past were rooted in my birth which, I was born cyanotic and the umbilical cord wrapped around my neck 3X) and 'why couldn't I just accept her for who she is'? I responded to her, "I do and it comes with the need to grieve'. This was officially our last engagement.
Once again, your work and wisdom are powerfully appreciated Rebecca - THANK YOU! 🕊
Oh, AR, this is simply brilliant: "I responded to her, "I do and it comes with the need to grieve'." BTW: My "issues" were also blamed on my "difficult birth". There's another one that deserves its own dedicated video. Thank you for your acknowledgement of my work, your presence here is much appreciated.
Thank you for your acknowledgement and compliment Rebecca. I must say, I also experienced detachment when I did respond! No spite, anger or even sadness (that was for later when I allowed the grief to be processed). Her denial and delusion is so pronounced, that I have fully accepted who she is and give NO more emotional energy to the relationship or her like I used to and I do not have to make any effort to detach, it comes naturally!
I would be quite interested in that episode! I would be intrigued to learn more around this. To be quite honest, I have long played with the idea that my difficult birth was a reflection of our two nervous systems unable to form a bond/connection/regulate. I am INCREDIBLY sensitive (to the degree that I can sense someone's passing before it happens and women who are pregnant but not announced it and more) and have wondered if my sensitivity was there in utero, picking up on her unresolved/unacknowledged traumas, leading to my difficult birth and sensitive nervous system? That I came out of the womb in a hypervigilant/dysregulated state? I believe Bessel van der Kolk speaks to this? I am also aware of the Polyvagal Theory c/o Stephen Porges and his work with co-regulation. If her perspective of me is one of dehumanization/objectification, this would explain our inability to truly connect - she could say the words 'love' but I would never 'feel the energy of love'. I believe your perspective would add such a layer of unique understanding in this area!
I was actually curious, have you created something around 'no contact' perameters? I am interested and planning on exploring the poll but I am currently having a couple family members disregard my 'no contact' boundary via physical mail and donating to a GoFundMe account. (I burned the piece of mail and did not return the 'anonymous' donation for this would mean I was responding) but if there is more to come from them, I am wondering if the need to re-establish the boundary is best or me simply ignoring any and all attempts. I had to establish 'no contact' with my father years ago and who has since passed, so my family knows I am both serious and capable of maintaining my ability to remain disengaged, even until death. I guess I am mostly curious to hear insights from your point of view and research, to help me make this decision.
I appreciate your candidness and true wisdom you bring. That means a lot to know you come with your own personal experience in matters as important as these! I am so grateful for this space you have created and your presence as well Rebecca, thank you again! 🕊
I could have written this second paragraph myself. This gets into some very complex possibilities, and as I mentioned, I do plan to do a video on this at some point. Your story and my own has many parallels, btw. Regarding going 'no contact' - I did a video on this so you can take a look here: ua-cam.com/video/F1VH48JwuNA/v-deo.html If you need more specifics, I do offer Single-Session Consultations - check it out via my website menu at scapegoatrecovery.com.
You’re the only one talking about this. Lots that has happened in my life now makes sense. Thank you!
You're very welcome. Glad it was helpful.
Another powerful session tks for sharing ur research & please keep uploading videos
Thank you, I will!
My mother blamed me for catching chicken pox from my sister because I touched my sister's pox rash. She also refused to take me to an ophthalmologist when I couldn't see the black board at school. She said I just wanted eyeglasses. I was actually to this day nearsighted. I was blamed for why she smoked cigarettes too.😂😂 I would challenge her then she would explode in irrational anger. I didn't want to be alone with her. I hated her. All what you said is true.
You might relate to this video here as well: ua-cam.com/video/878iNKXSwHE/v-deo.html
You help me so much. The bizarre part of my reality as a scapegoat is I was given the role when I was young when I was still a straight-A student and did like nothing wrong I was a really good kid. I'm still that person I know I am I just have to deal with like the family projection process and being the empathetic and highly sensitive person that I am I was very confused for a long time not understanding that I did not have to own that projection process
My father started me working at 7 never paid me and when he got paid he would hide money and say (don't tell your mom) plus he had a custodian job and he made me work with him. I started filing w2 at 12 pa said you work now buy your own clothes mind you mine where hand me downs mom also quit doing my laundry also at 14 was told to pay 150.00 a month rent now so I went to high school 4 classes a day work release so I could support his family and alcohol problem and at the end of mom's life 10 yrs ago the P.O.S had me tell the Doctor to pull the plug cause he couldn't plus cremated planned service and wrote obituary because him and is 3 pigs couldn't. And now I see that his father treated him horrible as well. Generational trauma is no joke! Thank you Rebecca so grateful 🙏.
Intergenerational trauma is the core issue with so many families, Jim. Your ability to survive got you through - I hope today you can now thrive, with the new awarenesses you have regarding what happened to you in your traumatized family.
This all sounds so familiar. My brother was much loved, I was in the way. My mom used to say it was I who had rejected her. She said that I kicked while I was in the womb and that this was a sign that I was rejecting her. Kicking is normal, particularly for first children. She would tell me that I would be “perfect if only”. My brother was given various privileges and I was forgotten. It was made clear to me that I was the “problem” in the family, that everything would be fine if not for me. I know my mom had a hard time after my father died,she was under a lot of stress. She went back to school and then worked as a social worker. She had many disappointments in her life. She wasn’t a bad person generally, she helped out neighbours and was honest and thoughtful to everyone (it seemed) except me. I was made to believe there was something wrong with me although it was never made clear what it was that was wrong. I was a good child generally who never got into trouble at school, never acted out in public, always tried to be good. I remember trying to be so polite when I visited anyone else’s house and fantasized about finding another family who would adopt me.
Yes because of the false narrative and the gaslighting people actually believe that your character is different than it is. I know I shouldn't care what people think but I think everyone does to a certain extent.
It felt necessary to change my name,as I just can't stand the sound of it after being called it at my parents home for years,it makes my skin go ice cold in streets response.
And it seems to have helped.
That is one of my plans this year. Good for you, so happy for you 💫🥳🌸
Hm, I'm thinking of the name change too for the same reason. Glad it helped.
I changed my original name legally several years ago. I had always hated my old name but didn't know why until I read your post. Yes! It was hearing the way my dad used to ridicule it. After my parents died, I changed my name, but it was a struggle getting my siblings to use my new name. They thought it was a temporary whim and that I was silly for changing it and so thought they could disrespect my wishes. But I set a firm boundary. I told them it was a a legal change, on all my legal IDs. Then I refused to respond and corrected them every time they used my old name. Eventually they learned. (I know they still refer to me by my old name when talking among themselves, which is very strange, but I can't control that.) I've never regretted changing my name. It was like beginning a whole new chapter in my life.
This reminds me a bit of Munchausen by-proxy. Are there similarities between the two things like origins or pathology?
Thanks again for your wonderfully accurate videos. You are doing important work. I hope your messages go far and wide. Maybe survivors like me would find more help and kindness in the world.
Yes, I discuss Munchausen by proxy in this video - check the chapter titles in the video description. Definitely similar dynamics. And - you're welcome!
No joke, I wrote this comment BEFORE you mention it. LOL. Next time I'll wait to comment until I hear the whole video!
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse also it is really helpful that you are training therapists
Absolutely. I was shamed for the difficult birth because I had a big head. Then it just got worse.
I was breach. Shame on me!
Major progress, Rebecca, after doing deep soul work with integrating the covert narcissist martyr ploy: I was stuck in guilt and shame from my mother for decades. It was much easier to figure out my father, a malignant, violent and alcoholic narcissist. He was in my face with violence, intimidation, retaliation, and major threats. So, I thought he was the major problem. Once I saw the martyr ploy in my mother (pinnacle of ending up in ER with 'going to die') if she didn't get narcissistic supply, I started dismantling the brainwashing. Now, with being mesmerized as i study and integrate your work on FSA, I see being invisible, no bond just an object, lack of nurturing, only controlling, but pretending to be the best mother in the world (and enforcing it with gifts of money). I actually felt a little bit sorry for my father who endured her master manipulation and passed nearly 20 years ago while she lives to age 94. Makes me think she is getting lots of narcissistic supply still in old age. It is a con job of epic proportions and like an "oil slick" as you call it. It runs through the entire family and everyone is conned but not I - finally! I finally feel the hurt from her psycho-emotional abuse, whether intentional or unconscious because of trauma (feels intentional because I don't comply). I grieve and let go. It feels like an exorcism to finally get out from under her master manipulation and mind control. Every word you share hits the spot which, to me, means truth.
Thank you for sharing your progress, Pamela, I am sure many here will be inspired by it. Sometimes the unconscious defense mechanisms are so powerful the abuse can seem intentional and conscious. Other times, it IS intentional and conscious. In the end, we can't ever really know. Sometimes it can be a mix of both (highly traumatized, narcissistic parent, for example). All we need to know is that we must protect ourselves from any and all forms of abuse, no matter the source.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I support you Rebecca, with much gratitude, and pass on your educational information about FSA to everyone who wants/needs it! 🙂
Pamela. Mid nineties seems a typical departure age for them- I joke not.
The best video ever that has opened my eyes!! Thanks eternally💜
Glad it helped, Maria!
Thank you for shedding light on this matter...it can be so subtle because the gaslighting begins at such a young age.
This is the only video Iv ever found on narcissistic parents that explained my story too i felt like I was going crazy thank you for this
Glad it was helpful! Given your strong response to this, you may also want to read my book to learn more about this form of abuse, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'. Many people relate to it.
THIS VIDEO! This was my life. It took awhile for me to realize my mother is a narcissist bc of the covert/martyr role she played. 12:00 was rough. Thank you for recognizing that. Thank you for your book. You have helped me tremendously in my journey to recovery. Will be checking out the article on this topic. Thank you. ❤❤❤
You're welcome, Andrea, glad my work on FSA is helpful. And I always appreciate reviews on my book on Amazon, if you are comfortable leaving one (and do ensure your privacy in regard to your Amazon user name if you do post a review).
You described how my mother spoke about me and to me my whole life. Just this morning I woke up from a nightmare where my mother was blaming me for our family falling apart. Thank you for making this video.
You're welcome.
OMG I fit all of this!! I often use these videos to self- regulate.
It is most often done in front of others - I have to be put down whatever the circumstance. Mum did it to my Dad all the time and he found social things very hard because he had no idea what stories she had told of him beforehand - he knew she would have put him down to everyone and was very anxious waiting for the penny to drop at any social function.
If I have a success, my mother will find a way to tell me what a failure I am.
My role is the family failure and the bad one,. I am not Asperger’s but I am constantly told that I am and that there is something wrong with me, but that has been tarred and feathered into me. I am certainly the truth teller and that makes me very very bad. When my brother, aka golden child, was at boarding school, I was invisible. My mother was massively depressed without him and then God would come home for holidays and she would be up in the clouds, yet I was still invisible. I remember hilariously getting up on a table and pretending to be a chicken laying an egg- my father laughed his head off at the time. But now I think it waa an attempt to not be invisible
oh yeah, I used to be told that I had deliberately done things. My brother is convinced I am the family problem too. Now my father is dead, I have no ally. He was also a scapegoat for the whole family and told he was an idiot (with an IQ of 153!!!) Now it is all on me.
You will also want to check out my 'Bizarre Realities' video, episode 1. One of my first videos here. You will relate.
Thank you for sharing. I so relate to your story & lol at your reference to your Golden Child brother as "god"; I used to refer to mine as "The Second Coming".
Oh Elaine
"THE SECOND COMING "
just gave me a good laugh!
The bizarre reality of this video that so many of us have experienced and the "spot on phrases" we have come up with are entertaining to hear. I am not making light of the pain. It's just that the creative phrases sing to the tune of truth. It's making me smile.
I also have a video on the Empath child in a scapegoating family, as well as a chapter on the Empath and scapegoating in my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I have known for a long time that I am the empath, even before I could comprehend what that was. I tried to stand up for Dad and was punished & shamed for it long before I ever realised what I had been trying to do. I could see the pain he was in but had no real idea how to deal with it and just got clobbered. So I ended up doing a half way house version of help that didn’t really help him. Until I saved a colleagues life by using my skills on a large scale and with permission (I have no idea how the person who asked me to be involved knew to ask me), and learnt what my superpower can be used for. It is a blessing and a curse which you still get punished for, sometimes on a massive scale because you are not supposed to see the weaknesses……..especially weak men who then demand power over their vulnerability being seen. I am pretty adept at zooming right through the BS and get whacked for it frequently. I still can’t understand why others can’t see what I see.
PS - My mother used to tell embarrassing stories about me at EVERY family dinner. My brother was the troublemaker and made horrible grades but she never told any embarrassing stories about him … EVER!
This is who I have been a scapegoat a child. I am 63 years old and have been figuring this out since I left my family.
Angie, if this is the case, you may find my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed' helpful. It is an introductory guide to what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA).
This is almost my story to a T. Thank you for the validation!
You're so welcome! Although I am always sorry to hear that people relate so strongly as well, given how painful this dynamic is.
Before I learnt about narcissistic mothers, the only way I could define her behaviour was my understanding of maunchausen.
Not sure if you read the article I co-wrote that I linked in the video description. I do compare this form of covert abuse to maunchausen (by proxy). It is now called 'Factitious disorder', btw.
My mom had polio at a very early age & was brought up as a victim. She had poor balance & fell once while carrying me. When she told me about this incident, it was to explain to me why she knew I was a psychopath. While she was falling, she tossed me out from under her. I then didn't cry until she picked me up again, so she "knew" I'd rejected her. I tried unsuccessfully to argue that sometimes babies don't cry until they know they'll be comforted. No, according to her, I'd rejected her. This is only one of the crazy beliefs she had about me. I'm 72 now & am surprised at how much of my scapegoated childhood still informs my psyche. Thanks for this & all your videos.
You're welcome. This comes up often in my FSA research and with clients: Infants being blamed for failing to bond with their mother and thus destroying their relationship. Yet another 'bizarre reality' FSA targets live with.
Omg...I was 3 weeks late, almost breached but turned myself around at last minute and yet still the doc used forceps on my head! I never heard the end of how my Mom was in labor for 16 hours! As if I did it on purpose and was trying to kill her. I always knew I was scapegoated and the black sheep. It was horrific. My Dad was low key but he enabled NM. When I was 1 year young my NM asked why I couldn't be like my friend April. I was going to ask her why she couldn't be like April's mom but I knew I'd be punished so I kept my mouth shut. I remember spilling some milk and my mom threw a fit over it.
My birth was similar and I have neck issues today because of it. As I said, this stuff can start as soon as one pops out of the womb - or even before - such as an unplanned pregnancy that one or both parents resent for whatever reason.
I have a neighbour who has 2 daughters. One I have Never seen, she lives in another country, easy flight home. I just knew this was the ONE who had the dramatic premature birth 4 decades ago. Mom and Dad tip along together, lots of time, hobbies and good health….lovely couple 🤨
This happens much more common in Asian families, i believe. And because of the thousand years old tradition of “filial piety” that permeates almost every area of Asian family dynamics, everyone would believe & support the narc father or mother. No one believes the scapegoat child because in Asian cultures, children are supposed to put their parents on pedestals, obey & honor their parents no matter what. People even think it’s honorable if you tolerate the abuse from your parents, given that they’re willing to acknowledge what happened to the scapegoat is abuse in the first place
I do see this often with my Asian and Asian-American clients. Complex trauma symptoms are often exhibited via various types of somatic symptoms as well.
I think in my case it was abuse by extension. My father directly was verbally abusive towards me when I was under his roof. After his fifth divorce he needed a place to live and I became useful to him. He lived with my ex, children and I for one year. Even during that time he could not completely restrain himself from being abusive but always waited until no one was around to witness it. Since that time my siblings have carried on his abuse. The last time I saw my father (when he was still able to verbalize) I was told I don’t deserve anything I have and that I left my ex husband for no reason. My siblings had clearly supported and sided with my ex I realized he had been supporting their negative attitude towards me and they supported his. My ex drank regularly to excess, came home high most days of the week and wanted to “stay married and live separate lives “ when I finally had the guts to say enough and file for divorce. It was clear I was blamed for the problems in my marriage my my siblings. I see it all so clearly now and now understand why it was so painful for so long trying to explain myself to them so they would understand why I had to make the very difficult and painful decision to file for divorce.
I discuss this in my first 'Bizarre Reality' video - the family aligning with the ex - and linked an article I wrote about this in the video description as well. Quite common, actually, in highly dysfunctional or narcissistic family systems - as well as alcoholic family systems.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse thank you. I will check it out.
I’ve never resonated more with a video than I do with this one. I’m 40 years old. I spent my entire childhood being “the difficult child” or too sensitive, too much, too emotional, too everything. I’ve only just discovered in the last couple of years that I was never the problem. And I’m finally learning what boundaries and healthy relationships look like. My first step was to go no contact with my mother. And because of that, I’ve lost a relationship with my entire family, dad and sister included. But nothing…*nothing* feels greater than finally feeling like I am me. And, I am deserving of love they could never give me.
It is a difficult decision but for some FSA adult survivors, the only means of moving forward into a life of serenity and health. Linking you to my FSA survivor resource list for more education and support: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/resources
You speak so much sense, I always look forward to your insight 🙂. Thank you for all the wonderful work you do in highlighting this deeply, less known trauma.
You're very welcome, Meredith. Thank you for being here.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabusethis was the narrative sold to my family since I can remember. My mother is the long suffering martyr and I’m the awful ungrateful daughter who’s also too sensitive, strange mix 🧐
💯 spot on!
I have been binge watching your videos all day and I can say, wow.
Someone FINALY GETS IT.
please clone yourself asap!! 😊
A legion of you is needed, badly!!
Thank you! 🙌
I wish I could, so many things I'd like to get out there. Glad you find my videos helpful.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse thank you Dr Mandeville, you're so helpful.
I can only hope more of us rejects can thrive and learn when to kick the toxic garbage in our lives to the proverbial curb where it belongs. Enough is enough. Its gotta get to to that 'f#ckem all' mentality or we're doomed to fall for it again and again.
No more. The cult is dust...
Blessings 🌸 🦋 🌟
Thank you so much. This is an exact description of my childhood and my mother's behaviour. Having it articulated by a neutral third party has brought some clarity to the confused mess that was in my mind. Thank you again
You're welcome, Wendy. Always sad to hear someone relates - but at the same time, glad this has helped to validate your experiences. My most recent video is on traumatic invalidation and scapegoating, by the way...
My family’s mantra is basically “IF I would just be different, do different, dress different, act different THEN they would be okay.” and since I won’t/can’t change who I am, it’s my fault…..whatever it was.
This video explains a lot of what I couldn't put into words when I was a 6 year old. I remember looking through the photo albums. My 6 siblings infant photos that are taken at the hospital were in the photo album. There is no infant photo of me from the hospital. I saw photos where my mom was not holding me as a baby. She'd either be standing next to my crib or seated on the couch while I played on the floor. She is holding the other siblings in photos. When I asked, she said her pregnancy with me was during the time her adoptive mother died, and that I bonded with dad as an infant. I still didn't understand. Still don't understand today. I enjoy watching your videos. You discuss the deeper issues behind being a scapegoated kid. Thank you very much
I'm glad you find my videos helpful, BB. This Saturday I'll be discussing scapegoating in dysfunctional versus a narcissistic family system so you may want to watch that one and I hope you have subscribed.
I am subscribed to your Channel and I will be watching on Saturday ❤
My mum, a psych nurse, is the master of this technique. I’ve been saying for years that I’ve been ‘sacrificed on the altar of convenience’ for my family my entire life.
Amazing. This is the second time I've encountered the notion of this today. It explains my experience exactly. X
Synchronicity will often occur when one is on the 'right' healing path (for them).
I felt that! Thank you. Like a little nod from the universe affirming this is what has happened to me. (I have lived in cognitive dissonance for so long it's often a psychological effort to stay firm in my truth - and still I will tell myself I'm 'just watching things on you tube making up stories about my mother because I'm a bad person who is disrespectful and unkind'!). Yes. This is affirming. Thank you. Emily X
Franklin, you might want to watch a video I did here recently on 'Structural Dissociation' to see if you relate.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse thank you. Yes, I watched this the other day. I've watched all your videos! Interestingly I saw these traits more in my covert narcissist mother than I did myself. My therapist; an amazing trauma informed IFS trained woman that has worked with me for 5 years and recently helped me identify mother as covert narcissist. She also suggested my mother may have disassociating parts. I've had a lot of EMDR and TRE and IFS therapies so any of these traits I may have had aren't as 'charged' as they were. I might listen again. This journey has been extraordinary and I'm so grateful for how the puzzle pieces drop in. I am 3 months into estrangement. Its extraordinary. I had ongoing suicide ideation, pervasive sense of worthlessness as my core self and this prevailing part that existed as a ghost. Estrangement has totally deactivated these parts ; almost immediately. It was atmospheric. Thank you. Yes. I will listen again. With gratitude. Emily X
@@franklinplayz6323 I use TIST therapy - I discuss this in the clinical video I released last week, the one right after the Structural Dissociation Video. Dr. Janina Fisher developed TIST and she does incorporate several modalities, including IFS. Very effective treatment pathway for those with complex trauma and what I am now calling 'family scapegoating trauma' (FST).
Omg I’m angry I’m crying my head hurts..
Thank you so much xx
Ya, this helps explain why everything was so crazy for me whenever I was around my family. One by one, all 4 of my siblings turned agonist me. I couldn’t understand why! The only person I was talking to was my mom. I was so desperate to get back in with the family! I just wanted a normal summer bbq with all of them but it would never work out. They would get together the week before I arrived from out of town. It was always something. The last thing my mom said to me was “don’t you get it, I am the only contact you have with everyone.”
And she hasn’t reached out one time. Not even once. She tried to get my son to align with her but he wouldn’t take the bait so the entire family has left me and my 4 kids. And my husband. No one has anything to do with me or my kids.
I have friends. I have my husband’s family. But my heart aches with confusion and sadness.
Rebecca, sadly, many of my clients and research respondents have gone through this as well. It is quite common in regard to what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA). Gaining clarity takes time and I'm glad you found this video helpful in regard to your own FSA experiences.
You are not alone in your experience. Take heart.
Stay strong and with people who support you and see you.
Thank you. I have spent my almost 60 years healing from my childhood. I am proud of the progress I have made over the years, as both my sister died of drug overdoses, they never seemed to be able to heal their hearts from the rejection we all felt. Recently my mother passed and I seem to be digging deep again, lost memories are surfacing and I am once again working with my inner child and helping her release all the shame and grief she holds (the layers seem endless). This video shook me to my core.
Sounds like a powerful and critical time. My book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed', may offer you additional support, if you haven't yet read it.
I've loved your videos about the family system and I understand why everything is the way it is better.
I went no contact from my family when I was 18 and didn't see anyone for years. I ran into my sister during the pandemic and I guess I thought enough time had passed, but it ended up being really bad for me. She's been trying hard to keep the family together, I suppose, ever since my mom's gotten older and is in assisted living... She thinks she's the mom of the siblings now and she had quite a narcissistic outburst when I tried setting boundaries (I was okay seeing her, I thought, but I really didn't want to see the rest of my family... But she forced me to.) She's really into being a martyr.... She even called me a "shitty daughter" at one point.
I was doing great before I came across my family again. The years away were good for me. I feel like I'm starting all the way over in healing after seeing my family again. I was guilt tripped pretty good this time around and it made me have confusing, conflicting feelings about it that I know are just buttons she knew she could press.
While I really wish I hadn't run into her, I'm kind of glad I did.
I think I'm doing very well, actually. I don't think I would've realized the extent of what I survived if I hadn't seen those people again.... I dodged a bullet.
I'm sorry you had to go through that. However, it seems that your original decision was validated, which can be very helpful when one is on the road of recovering from FSA and moving toward 'radical acceptance' of painful realities.