The whole parents being heroes thing is so weird. I can see myself adopting in the future, partly because I’m queer but also because I just really don’t want to be pregnant or give birth! Sure I think it’s great to give a kid a home, but ultimately if you decide to have children you’re doing it because you want them, it’s not some selfless act
These are my thoughts exactly!! I've known i'd like to adopt since i was really young and never saw it as anything different than the process of having biological children. I would actually hate it if people regarded me as a "hero" for adopting. I'm just a queer person who wants a family life??
@@Lilopad the thing is though, it is way different than biological children. Even adopting babies, you are raising someone jot biologically connected to you, who was abandoned by their parents. That comes with trauma. Adoptees are 4X more likely than bio kids to have seriously substance abuse issues and mental health problems. Going into it thinking its just like any other child is niave and will hurt you and the child. Its great not to think of it as a service, and of course you don't want to other adopted children and make them feel even more isolated and different, but pretending adopted kids are the same as bios is just he other side of the problematic coin of adoption where you act like a saviour for doing so
@@plamondonworks6948 Yeah, I get that. I do think there is a difference between biologically related children and adopted children, but it’s undeniable that adopted children aren’t any less of someone’s child than a biological one, and so they are capable of being cared for enough to not have to struggle so much with mental health.
@@papasscooperiaworker3649 i mean I love that idea but that isn't always the case. For some adoptees they'd agree, others never felt they belonged in their adopted family and end up reuniting with their bios. Adoprion is super misunderstood in general media and for people who haven't been adopted or who who haven't looked into it beyond their own experience.
@@plamondonworks6948 I think the problem is that people view adopting parents as SAVIOURS rather than PARENTS. As if the adopted child is supposed to always act grateful and look up to them with stars in their eyes (nothing wrong with that but yk what I mean) because those selfless, noble heroes saved them. Like, if the adopting parents ever fuck up (small or big) people expect the kids to swallow it down anyways because even being adopted was a huge miracle they had been incredibly lucky with??
I was adopted, and something that has bothered me since childhood is the assumption that my parents are heroes because they took me as their child, and that I must be perpetually grateful to them for this decision. I am not an ungrateful (or unloving) daughter, but bothers me a lot thinking that I owe them something (love, thankfulness etc.) because I was adopted. They are not heroes. They are not saviours. They are my parents.
Yeah. Just like non-adopted kids, you don't automatically owe anything to your parents just because they are your parents. It's not like you were adopted as an adult and signed a contract saying you will be indebted and need to "repay" them.
Yeah, that's an issue I see play out with non-adopted kids as well. For whatever reason, despite no one asking to be born, we're expected to be grateful that our parents provide for us. It's a mindset that discounts developmental traumas, abuse, and other terrible reasons we may not feel grateful. They're just our parents. They signed up for this, not the other way around. Not harming your child and making sure they have a home is the bare minimum
I was adopted into a religious cult. Interesting you mentioned that. I agree with a lot of your perspective personally. Thank you for this resource, i don't think there's enough adoptee content out there so that non-adoptees can understand better. I'm tired of adopters and adoption agencies hijacking our own stories. I hope you're doing well xo
As a Chinese Canadian adoptee with white parents, I can definitely say that a lot of what you are saying is definitely true or similar to how I have felt.
As an adopted person, I hate when people assume i was given up because of my disabilities. (They started to show many years afterwards!) And they say things like "you should be glad they decided to take you, because I couldnt handle it." Or "you should feel lucky that your new parents didnt give up on you." Like what the f*? Also the "real parents" thing bothers me. I dont have any hate for my birth parents, I dont know them or why I was given up. Nor will I ever know, but my real parents are the ones who really raised me. End of story. There is also a lot of the savior mentality in the Christian faith. In so many Subtle ways it is said that anyone who adopts is a grand hero saving these poor children from heathens. And worse is, the parents of the adoptees sometimes see it that way too.
I love this so much! Can you talk about the whole “they’re not blood” inc*st that happens a lot in media and fandoms? I’m not adopted but my brother is and if anyone told me to my face that “it doesn’t matter since you’re not related” I would punch them and it makes me mad to see it portrayed that way on tv and books.
I think it's because they are not related that they can have that 'taboo relationships without any negative side effects, but forget that while not related by blood, they see each other as such just like you and your brother. I am guilty of such a thing, due to it being fiction, but I agree there is too much 'We were always like siblings and then I fell for them out of nowhere' cliche and could use 'Brother/Sister from different mother and father' relationships.
@@1AnimeChannel I get that but it gets to a point where they actually are adopted or grew up as sibling and people get mad that they didn’t end up together. Sweet Home and Voltron are my main examples of this happening.
but....why would people say that to your face when its just about fiction? has someone done that?? if so, thats very creepy and inappropriate. like, i do not want to minimize your feelings on this and its totally valid that it makes you uncomfortable, i just think media and fandoms are about fiction, not real life, and not your life. i think its way healthier to *not* focus on what stories people you dont know like to tell/consume, and more about educating people on the importance of respecting peoples boundaries (so that no one brings up that topic with you once you tell them it makes you uncomfortable) and not force them to consume content they dont want to, but letting them consume the content that they DO want to.
@@jannecapelle_art ngl I get extremely defensive when I see things like that even if it’s fiction. I’ve gotten into arguments with people online where they tell me that their ship is valid because they’re not “actual” siblings. And the whole fiction thing falls in line with enabling things like abuse.
@@amysuarez2456 okay no, I don't agree. It's totally okay if you get defensive about the topic and if you don't like those ships. Totally. BUT. at the end of the day, it's fiction. Fiction is not responsible for people being abusive, just as much as video games are not to blame for mass shootings or whatever was the argument in the 90s. I've heard these kind of arguments on the internet before, and they never make logical sense imo. If you don't think that watching/reading about murder and violence makes you violent or makes you think it's okay in real life, you have to be pretty hypocritical to think that watching/reading about incest and other taboos makes people think these things are good in real life. I think people can do what they want in fiction... 🤷♀️ I mean, millions of people watch game of thrones and probably still don't wanna fuck their siblings because of it😂
I'm adopted but I never saw it as an issue or a secret because my parents were always very open about it and explained things to me from a young age and made sure I felt loved and supported. It only became awkward when people acted shocked when it came up in conversation as though it was supposed to be some tragic traumatic secret. Ignorant comments too along the lines of insisting on calling my birth parents my "real" parents and asking why I didn't want to meet them, or whatever. It did leave me with some complicated emotions that I'm still learning to parse through, but I think every family comes with baggage even if nobody is adopted... I was also adopted by parents that shared my race, so I can only imagine how much more complicated it gets for kids who are adopted by white parents or parents of a different race in general.
Omg me too my mother was always open about my adoption and whenever people learned of it they acted sad for me and asked if I missed my “real parents”😅 (I’m also an interracial adoptee and questions definitely happen if they see us 😅) My mum explained to me one day that real family ≠ blood related and since then it stuck and I refer to them as my birth parents Though having this reaction definitely does leave some odd feelings
Great video! If I am ever a parent there's a 99% chance it's gonna be through adoption so it's good to see what it's like from an adoptee. I've always had a pretty favorable view of adoption since my mom was adopted and so was one of my good friends, however me, my mom, and this friend are all white so I know the experience is a lot different than that of a person of color. I'm always disheartened about how much importance is put on bloodlines and finding your birth parents when they didn't raise you.
@@detectivedaffodil437 because of racism. My cousin has been caused of stealing and called the N word many times. We can get upset, scream, ecc.. But we could never give her the support she needed, because we are Italians and we never learned how to deal with racism the way a POC does. She eventually turned out fine, but her teen years were really hard.
@@lalacal88 same goes for white single moms of biological children from black fathers. Quite a few out there. Similar goes for children growing up without the parent of their gender, orientation or whatever present. Not to mention that your shy white straight Christian mom might not really be the best source of advice for you just because you are her biological shy straight white Christian daughter.
I would like to adopt in the future simply because I don't feel the need to have biological children when there are already so many, and many who need loving homes. But when I say this to people they tend to act weird about it, and sometimes assume that I can't have children because of course adoption must be a last resort (sarcasm). My mum in particular is very against it because I am an only child and she wants 'her own' grandchildren, which does hurt when she says it like that. Adoption evidently really needs to be normalised and have this stigma dropped because it seems to be harmful to both the adopter and adoptee in particular. Thank you for sharing your perspective on this, as it helps me understand perhaps what my future children may be thinking and feeling.
I'm also adopted, and it's such an odd feeling. It was very normal to me, except for the fact that I wasn't allowed to talk about it for most of my childhood, because it wasn't as typical. Now, it's much more normalized, and more families adopted from the year 2000 onwards. I'm not sure about my birth mother (I know my birth father abandoned her as soon as he found out she was pregnant), but I would like to write to her (through a program in the government in my origin country), because she was a teenager when she got pregnant and gave birth to me. I know about her circumstances, and as I grew up, I went from kind of ok, to just feeling badly for her. I can't imagine being 17, knocked up, without much support from her family and the stigma of a teen pregnancy back then. So I kind of want to write to her, telling her that it's ok, that I understand why she did it, and that she did the best she could. I turned out alright, and I'm being afforded many choices I might not have been had I stayed. I fear it might be too late, almost 30 years later, but then I think that maybe I'll be relieving some doubts or questions she might have, and well... I haven't gotten around to it just yet, but I'm in the process, and hope it brings her some closure at least. Thank you for speaking about your personal experience :)
I know someone who was placed in an abusive foster home and was often told how lucky he was they brought him in. You really never know what people are going through behind closed doors.
1:34 that’s such a weird and loaded question. Like, for whatever reason your bio parents don’t have you but your adoptive parents do, they fought hard to have you and they raised you. I don’t see why it matters if you ever get the chance to meet your birth parents?? Like you’ve got parents. You saw them everyday as a kid. Whatever genetic material you do or don’t have in common is trivial.
I was adopted & have even seen & talked to my mom who was just not ready to be a mom at the time that she had me. She did eventually settle down to become a great mother to my three younger brothers. So I always find it odd when people think that because a child gets put up for adoption it's a bad thing, something to be pitied, or that they're parents never wanted them or love them. This can sadly be the case but in some cases than not it's because they're trying to think about what's best for their child or children This had led me to want to someday adopt a child or two of my own
as an adoptee this video is so important to me and you touch on so many great points! For example the difficulty of being adopted into a family of a different race etc, whenever I would discuss issues of racism or try connect more with aspects of my birth culture I always had the feeling that my adopted family would feel personally attacked or offended, or I am always worried they might feel I'm not grateful.
This video really resonated with me. I was 11 months when I was adopted from Southern China. I don't know if anyone else feels it too, but I've always had a some kind of separation anxiety. Like when parents dropped me off at school, I felt worried for no reason even though it was a familiar place. It was a strange worry of 'feeling abandoned' all over again. I'm in college now, and I still feel anxious when they drive away.
Very well put! I found your videos for the movie analysis, and I was pleasantly surprised to come across this one too. I felt all of these things over the years but never had someone articulate them so honestly and succinctly. The haunted and survivor guilt aspects are especially coming into focus for me now as adult. Thank you for this video!
I want to adopt but I really do hate everyone making comments about it. Like I so selfless or I will be saving the child. I just want to be treated like all the other parents on the block and I know it would be harder on the child.
Thanks for sharing, it's very helpful for non-adoptees. As for the "what if" question, I'm not adopted, but I always wondered how drastically different my life would be if the family hadn't moved to the US.
The best thing that could have happened to me was being given up for adoption. I was super premature and was in and out of hospitals a lot as a kid, and I’m so glad that I was able to have a family who was able to support me then. I don’t know how I’d be if I was still in Russia but does it matter? Absolutely not.
I dont know if I would be considered adopted by normal standards, since I've never been in the system or anything, but I feel like I am. My father left as soon as I was born and I grew up with an abusive mother. When I was about 9 or 10 years old, the abuse was so bad that it was very visibly obvious, the people in my extended family couldn't act like they didn't know about it anymore because it was getting attention from some doctors and teachers, and I got passed between family members and my mother sent to another state to avoid legal trouble for her. Eventually it was decided that my maternal grandparents would take me in. After my grandfather, who had cancer, died, my grandmother became more abusive herself, though in a different way from my mother, and ive just recently at 17 (im now 18) been able to get out and moved in with my aunt because it got too bad. Im so glad you talked about feeling like you owe the people taking care of you, the guilt and everything, because ive always felt really guilty for not just being grateful that I had a roof over my head and didn't have to go through my mothers abuse anymore. My extended family would talk, sometimes right in front of me, about how much of a leech I was, how my grandparents didn't need to take care of me, how I was lucky, and how un-greatful I was, and I often felt the same. I still feel like a huge burden, now to my aunt who has children of her own to take care of, but seeing you talk about it makes me feel a little less like I've done something wrong, thanks so much for sharing your story 💕
This was a great video! Thank you so much for sharing your story. I always had so many misconceptions from the media about adoption, but you really cleared that up with explaining it using your personal experience and insight.
4:29 I can’t imagine what that’s like tbh. Like I grew up being told I needed to be more grateful etc for my parents doing what they were supposed to do as parents and I wasn’t adopted.
My grandma adopted 4 kids out of her 6 children total One day at 12. She stood me in front of a picture of her children and said 4 are adopted Do you know which ones Me: what no. Which ones Grandma: it doesn’t matter. They’re all my children. Still til this day I don’t know who was adopted and who wasn’t. It doesn’t matter to my. It gave me a perspective on life and children Children should be treated all with love It should be seamless You shouldn’t be able to tell the blended family from the biological family Bcuz it doesn’t matter Of course the children know that they’re adopted. But after that convo it was enough for me to know that they loved me and I loved them. And that my grandma was a women who loved her children.
Two good friends of mine, both adoptees, represent opposite outlooks on finding birth parents. One did so much searching for his birth mother, he wrote a book on it. The other has no inkling of desire to find hers. But she and her twin sister were adopted jointly, so she has a biological very close relative in her life.
I love your video. Thank you so much for posting this publicly and speaking out about it! I relate so much to your experience, although as to your fifth point, I did go through a different experience, as myself I'm a mixed white/Chinese adoptee from foster care, yet I still did relate with all the points in your video. Idk I can't express how much of a relief it is to feel like I'm not so alone with these feelings and growing up with this odd kinda rare background
I've been binge watching your content and I LOVE it! Thank you for all of the work you put into everything you post here! My cousin is an adoptee and I teared up a bit watching this one. I really appreciate your helping me understand my family and be a better support system for my cousin. Sending nothing but love your way!
Well meaning or non well meaning strangers who have NO BUSINESS saying certain things. People remain in a constant state of minding other people's business.
I'm a non-adoptee and I'm always curious about the adoption community and wanted to learn more. I have read from a writer who is an adoptive parent that she hates being called a hero by "well-meaning strangers" for adopting kids and she explained that she just loves kids. I can't blame her and I feel her pain. Not surprised that adoptees themselves also get annoyed and weirded out when their adoptive parents are called heroes. Giving love, support, and care to a child are all bare minimums because that's what parents are supposed to do! In my opinion, what actually makes a parent a hero is if they saved their child's or anyone's life. And speaking of "well-meaning strangers" who think they know what's best for adoptees but are actually the ones who hurt adoptees the most....I remember I saw comments made by those "well-meaning strangers" who claimed that if you don't adopt a kid and instead have biological kids, you are selfish if you do that. Um...how is it selfish? Not everyone is cut out to be an adoptive parent and plus financial issues. It's good to adopt but it should be a choice, not an obligation. Not adopting doesn't make you a bad or selfish person. Yes, all adoptees deserve parents but not all parents deserve children. Some people just don't deserve to be adoptive parents, let alone parents to begin with. Also, people don't realize abusive adoptive parents exist and that's another can of worms.
I want to adopt/foster (not have any bio) so thank you for sharing Cheyenne. Always a pleasure to hear your perspective. I’d love more videos like this too if you want too! 💕
I'm an adoptee and my birth siblings recently found me. Its been....a hot mess. You never know what you are going to get with that situation. Every adoptee IS different and it's nice when we start to share our stories so that more of us have someone to relate to. I know I felt alone with all of the stories that can be summed up as "i found my bio fam and its great!" It is refreshing to see other people with reservations about meeting their bio fam.
I’d be very interested to hear more on your experience and insight of inter-racial adoption. Like some common blind spots of white parents/ specific needs you had as a child that may have been overlooked, and how they could have been better met.
6:45 I can’t imagine adopting a baby from a different race or culture and not doing my damndest to know everything I could as an outsider about their heritage and possible life experiences.
Some people forget, that you sometimes are completely different from your biological parents. What's the point of having theoretically the same genes when you feel like a misanderstood outsider in your family? If I were adopted by a family of musicians or writers, my life could be something more than suffering because of generic words broadcasted by my down-to-earth thinking mother😒. I could have received unconventional conversations or evenings spent on playing together. Instead I got curse words yelled at me afer a simple phone call from work. And I need to remain the calm side, who looks after the other one and calms my mother down. You see? I turned the stereotype upside down, speculating about being adopted while having a biological family. It is possible too.
I can't thank you enough for talking about these issues in such an enlightening way! My mother was adopted (illegally) by an abusive evangelical white woman. the things she internalized from that trauma are countless and she has always been in such denial because that's how society conditioned people in her situation when she was growing up. Adoption in USA has led to such much generational trauma, worsened by the fact that people are so unaware and uneducated about it. Again, thank you for making these videos
Thank you for being willing to share your experiences. My spouse and I are planning to adopt in the next year or so, and it's good to have a heads up about some things to warn at least our family away from asking. (Most of our friends are also planning to adopt, so I don't suspect it will be an issue from most of them)
Never felt like like I had adopted siblings when we lived on a farm in bum-fuck nowhere Holland. Definitely felt it in big city Toronto. The audacity of some people was astounding. I never thought of my sister as anything but my sister but they sure did try to make me. Sucks to be them, she’s absolutely amazing and the definition of best big sister ever. Kinda hard to forget that
I'm considering adoption when I'm older,, but specifically I want to adopt teenagers about to graduate school so I can fund and give them a jump start in life (college. Medical stuff. Etc). How would people see this?
That’s my dream if I ever become rich I thought I was the only one!!! There should be some sort of program where we can sponsor young adults that have had it rough to help them get started.
@@plamondonworks6948 because I want to fully fund the beginning life of a teenager. Education is something I value so I'd be happy to see a person have many opportunities
@@plamondonworks6948 oh, but one more thing to consider is most people don't even learn life skills or how to adult from their parents but atleast they can ask their parents how to do every little thing over the phone in college. And giving a bunch of teenagers who never had money, thousands or tens of thousands of dollars when they have no financial literacy doesn't make sense. I mean I'm 20 and I have no financial literacy even with parents because I never possessed money before. So, it's not a bad idea to adopt a bunch of teenagers in the middle of high-school and prepare them for adulthood.
As a kid I never saw adopted children as different from children growing up with their biological parents. Later I learned that some of these went through hardships or even trauma in the process, but this also applies to biological ones. Also I never judged people since I was used to be judged and bullied myself and I didn't like it. So I didn't do it. This was one of the reasons why I became a social justice blogger 7 years ago. But I made so many blunders, accidently offending one community when I was busy speaking up for another one. Also the Adoptee- and foster home community. When I attacked Rachel Dolezial - since I really wanted to fight against white people objectifing black people and black face and stuff I angered the adoptees, since I didn't knew trans-racial is an actual term from adoption bureauocracy and that me thinking it was a racist thing Dolezial just made up, was very bad. A couple of blunders and cluster f bombs of several communties later I realized due to my rare amount of free time and my unsuccessful attempt of doing research of every community, race and culture, I decided that I do more harm than help and just should stop trying to be an activist. I still educate myself with essays like yours and try to become a better person everyday. But I do this most outside the internet. I'm happy, you had a good relationship with your family and hope that more parents educate their kids not to judge others
I've had a long professional relationship with a former female coworker who shared her story before becoming a nurse, and later, a social worker....I knew she had been stereotyped in her life, and we got along well when she initiated conversation of her adoption experience as as infant along with her 2 older siblings.......
I was almost in the foster system for various reasons as a child, though that may have been better for me since the defining event in my life was contracting and surviving bacterial meningitis when I was 12.
My grandma was adopted by this absolutely unrealistic Daddy Warbucks type of guy (except instead of being a greedy warhawk he was this architect who went around the world constructing bridges for rural villages in impoverished countries)-- she has all these black and white photos of his crazy adventures with his crew-- so needless to say my understanding of adopted life was pretty warped early on :P
I don't think its a very easy thing to go around adoption I'd like to adopt a kid one day I saw a very respectable and wholesome couple adopt a kid and honestly they are just parents you know not saviours,parents And thats the best thing for them i guess
Maybe it is used in "racist" ways nowadays, but "third world" isn't a racist term at all. A third world country is one that wasn't aligned with NATO (first world) or the Warsaw Pact (second world) during the cold war. Ireland was a third world country, so are Sweden, Finland and Austria. I suppose it's more an outdated term that doesn't apply to the modern world anymore, since the Warsaw Pact hasn't been a thing for more than 30 years now and it doesn't really make sense to continue using it.
My mom was adopted and my biological father left when I was 2 so trying to find things out about where we came from hasn’t been easy my middle sister who has a different dad who stayed doesn’t get why it hard for me to want to know more especially when it comes to health I have a bit of Inuit I already knew my mom was French Canadian and Inuit and that she was the only child her mother gave up I’ve had people tell me because I have white father I can’t claim the Inuit part because I didn’t live the struggles of those who lived in Alaska I’m lighter than my mom but people have always made comments throughout my life about how I mush have Native American in me because of my features I question if I’m even allowed to claim this part of myself because I didn’t live on a reservation or in Alaska But then I think isn’t it racist if I deny this part of myself?
Shared experiences makes a culture, proximity makes a group, birth makes an ethnicity. If you’re part Inuit then you’re part Inuit, and anyone who shames your for that is themself a racist and almost certainly not an Inuit themselves. It’s your identity, and you have the right to it.
@@dominicthorpe2894 thank you so much for this I really needed it I honestly think the person who told me this didn’t mean harm but I think their white guilt blinds them to those who are mixed passing And I get it to a point I didn’t want anyone to think that I was trying to claim anything other than this is a part of me you know? My mom gets mail from Alaska giving her information on different things I know she gets money every now and then She was bullied for her dark skin and even tried to scrub her skin white with a wire brush because she was different Her parents who adopted her were white and from Texas they were stationed in Alaska in the late 50s and early 60s when they adopted her
We're in very similar boats, I didn't know there were other people like me! My dad is Chickasaw, but we didn't grow up knowing any of our culture because of racism and prejudice here in the South, along with most of his family being under-educated in general due to fear of school after my great-grandmothers's residential schooling. We didn't know what race we were until she died when I was 10 because she hid it her whole life (i.e. claiming it was just an abusive boarding school in Kentucky, and wearing makeup several shades lighter every day) but had it listed in her will so she'd be buried properly. My mom and her family are white and well-educated, and I distinctly remember my grandpa asking my dad if our family ever "scalped anyone" or if he was "another alcoholic like the rest are these days" and wondering what was wrong with us. And why these questions didn't start until after my great-grandma died. Kids at school would bully me and my younger brother for our long hair and our skin, but I've never had the cultural knowledge to tell them why we had it, just that it's what every man in our family looks like. We were told not to talk about our faith at school (neo-pagan) because no one would understand. We're all unsure whether now if we're allowed any claim to our heritage since biracial Native people (especially ones that didn't know their heritage for most of their childhood) seem to be a hot button issue in off-the-rez circles. I always knew I was different, but never knew why. I'm interested in learning more about Chickasaw traditions, but being accused of cultural appropriation terrifies me. I'm mostly white passing now because I got nailed with bad genetics that affect my cell growth, leaving me much paler and greenish. Which definitely further complicates me embracing my heritage since I don't "look Native" anymore. I'm 21 now, and I don't want to die without knowing more about who I am and where I come from, and (hopefully) being able to teach my kids about us.
Hey Cheyenne. I hope you're well. I know as a parent if I had to give up a child for adoption, I'd be hovering over the internet daily to see if I can find my long lost child. I took a few trips to foreign lands and I'm sure one day I'll get a visit by someone that claims they just wanted to meet me. So you're all grown up; but I'm sure you are secure in your skin. I think more people should speak out the way you do. I am a man of no fear, but I'm careful not to make people feel too uneasy, as that could hurt feelings. As a parent of highly evolved earthlings, I just wanted to say thanks and I'm looking forward to more of your vids. If you are really brave you can check out a scam camp story book I highly recommend called Yellow Beard & the Curse of tbe Bloodline on Amazon. Until the next video, then.
This is an old video but overseas adoptees often have different circumstances for being placed up for adoption than their American counterparts. In South Korea for instance, there was extremely heavily political turmoil, unrest and war so around the 1980's and before you see a large number of Korean children put into the adoption. With China, the one child-policy meant any additional child would involve heavy economic sanctions and taxes on those families for every "extra child" they had. Likewise when you were born, China was a deeply impoverished country. This meant infanticide for number of unfortunate children. It also mean a business opportunity, establish for parents wanting to skirt around some of the heavy restrictions in America's own adoption system. For the transracial particular asian-adoptees, I feel that the circumstances often create highly interesting and dramatic backgrounds such as "Kati Pohler" whose Chinese parents had left a note that read they'd wait at the bridge to meet her again when she turn a certain age if she wanted to meet again. Additionally I feel like there's a whole host of issues/experiences that transracial adoptee experiences that can't even be understood by non-transracial adoptee such as "Old Adoptee Meets Young Adoptee | The Gap | LADbible". Where an old Chinese-female-adoptee talks to a young white-male-adoptee. Overall an interesting but complex human experience.
Please remake this video when or if you have children of your own? I can say from my experience that the way I see certain aspects of life changed a lot with that. I am grateful for your honesty. I have considered adoption but 1. I want the whole picture, 2. I don't want to mess it up and 3. I want to make sure that my entering the child's life was actually a good thing for the child.
I was adopted because my mother couldn't support me and refused to get an abortion. I also somehow managed to grow up without considering myself a perpetual victim.
I think the strongest feeling I have is the survivors guilt. Like I was born in an impoverished region of my country, and i narrowly made it into the US. And as much as feel like I’d make a meaningful life in my birth nation, I wonder if using my chance well enough
Hi, Cheyenne Could you ever please watch the TV show "This Is Us" and let us know what you think about how adoption is portrayed in it? It is pretty "happy" like you mentioned, but some parts of it are not so much. This is just a suggestion, though. I am just curious as to how realistic it is because it seemed realistic to me, but then again, I was raised with my birth parents, so I do not know what it is like being adopted.
The only thing I can think of why parents adopt children is they can't make or have biological children in their genes because of their futility issues and genuinely want a family and I thought that was the best reason for this. Juno while I know it's a teen pregnancy movie but it does have a topic of why they choose to adopt a child because a teen is too young to be a parent and wants to give up to move on. It aslo doesn't shy away from even the parents like a father doesn't want a family or not ready for it while the mother really does and their marriage doesn't work out and split and have a child alone and it was interesting.
1:12 not every adopted kid has seen an orphanage or foster home. In fact I think statistically babies under 6 months get adopted the most?? I know there’s a baby shortage in the world. And I knew an adopting parent and she adopted her baby while he was still in the womb and then went to go see him and bring him home shortly after he was born and it only took a couple months to finish out the paperwork.
- While it is true that China has a preference for sons over daughters, something that has been weakening tremendously, it is also true that the adopters also prefer daughters over sons. From what I read, it seems that the people who make the adopting decision tend to be the mothers, and mothers may want a little girl to feel close to her or have a mother-daughter bond. Furthermore, adoption agencies in the USA try to do race-matching, but this is complicated stuff because adopters tend to be rich and racially white, while the adoptees tend to be non-white and come from socially deprived backgrounds. But, some people are willing to spend big bucks to have a new addition to the family. - Well, for starters, your native language would be Mandarin Chinese and written Chinese, because you are required to learn it since primary school. - Education and social class are another factor. Highly educated, financially secure Chinese households - however uncommon that may be back in the day - would have more socially liberal attitudes than their rural and poor counterparts, while the rural, poor counterparts tend to preserve Chinese traditions such as filial piety and the old way of life (the old agricultural calendar as opposed to the Western Gregorian calendar). - Nowadays, China is limiting on the number of babies exported, so you don't get as many as you used to because native parents are competing with foreign parents, and Chinese adoption agencies would of course send the best ones to native Chinese parents, while children with special needs (thus higher maintenance costs) would be sent to foreign parents. Some foreign adopters actually do care about their kids' native culture, and they take great lengths in sending the kids to Chinese school or hiring a Chinese-speaking nanny. Of course, it really puts a high price tag on adoption. - Anne of Green Gables was adopted. Her guardians were a brother-and-sister team, and they wanted a boy but they got a girl instead. A girl couldn't work on the farm, so they were somewhat disappointed, but a girl was what the orphanage had.
People think giving birth to a child is already a gift (the ‘I give you food, shelter, and clothes on your back’ argument), so of course they’d be delusional enough to think adoptees are ‘lucky’ 😒 I hate people.
I'd imagine that your experience is very different from those adopted out of foster care, like my siblings. However, this is a super great video! And it does certainly help to see different sides of adoption 😌😊
5:52 idk if adoptive parents are saviors or not? Like these are typically just people who love and want children so they adopt. One of my teachers in high school adopted purely cuz she and her husband were having issues having a biological family together so they adopted a baby. I look back and wonder if my comments (she said “we couldn’t have children” and I said “well now you do have a baby”) were insensitive but at the same time she did what she could to bring a child into a loving home. That’s kind of just what it is: people just want kids.
I'm a white Canadian who's wanted to adopt from China since I was 10 so I really appreciate hearing your thoughts and feelings as an adoptee *Edit: Please also see my replies below for more information on my understanding of international adoption and caring for children. I am open to respectful conversations and differing opinions
@@Harpoonland Specifically China because I knew that the one child policy there at the time meant a lot of children were being abandoned. For whatever reason that stuck with me. I wanted to be married and have children when I became an adult for as long as I can remember. I don't think that's creepy. I think it's a part of the whole "what do you want to be when you grow up" kind of thing. Obviously as you grow up, your interests can change. But the hope of adopting one day has stayed with me as I've grown up, learned more about what that looks like, and done my own research into different kinds of adoption
@@lighthousekermit they answered that as a kid they heard about the one child policy. It's likely that they won't be picking specifically from China nowadays, as an adult.
I’m sorry you wound up being adopted into this shithole country. You’re an amazing person, and I appreciate you sharing your story. My partner and I are thinking of adopting and are trying to see what we should or shouldn’t do to make things easier for the kid.
A little bit of a stretch on the "adopters being the lucky ones' take. It's a risk for both sides. All relationships are a risk, but with adoption strangers are brought directly into each others intimate space.
The whole parents being heroes thing is so weird. I can see myself adopting in the future, partly because I’m queer but also because I just really don’t want to be pregnant or give birth! Sure I think it’s great to give a kid a home, but ultimately if you decide to have children you’re doing it because you want them, it’s not some selfless act
These are my thoughts exactly!! I've known i'd like to adopt since i was really young and never saw it as anything different than the process of having biological children. I would actually hate it if people regarded me as a "hero" for adopting. I'm just a queer person who wants a family life??
@@Lilopad the thing is though, it is way different than biological children. Even adopting babies, you are raising someone jot biologically connected to you, who was abandoned by their parents. That comes with trauma. Adoptees are 4X more likely than bio kids to have seriously substance abuse issues and mental health problems. Going into it thinking its just like any other child is niave and will hurt you and the child. Its great not to think of it as a service, and of course you don't want to other adopted children and make them feel even more isolated and different, but pretending adopted kids are the same as bios is just he other side of the problematic coin of adoption where you act like a saviour for doing so
@@plamondonworks6948 Yeah, I get that. I do think there is a difference between biologically related children and adopted children, but it’s undeniable that adopted children aren’t any less of someone’s child than a biological one, and so they are capable of being cared for enough to not have to struggle so much with mental health.
@@papasscooperiaworker3649 i mean I love that idea but that isn't always the case. For some adoptees they'd agree, others never felt they belonged in their adopted family and end up reuniting with their bios. Adoprion is super misunderstood in general media and for people who haven't been adopted or who who haven't looked into it beyond their own experience.
@@plamondonworks6948 I think the problem is that people view adopting parents as SAVIOURS rather than PARENTS. As if the adopted child is supposed to always act grateful and look up to them with stars in their eyes (nothing wrong with that but yk what I mean) because those selfless, noble heroes saved them.
Like, if the adopting parents ever fuck up (small or big) people expect the kids to swallow it down anyways because even being adopted was a huge miracle they had been incredibly lucky with??
I was adopted, and something that has bothered me since childhood is the assumption that my parents are heroes because they took me as their child, and that I must be perpetually grateful to them for this decision. I am not an ungrateful (or unloving) daughter, but bothers me a lot thinking that I owe them something (love, thankfulness etc.) because I was adopted. They are not heroes. They are not saviours. They are my parents.
Yeah. Just like non-adopted kids, you don't automatically owe anything to your parents just because they are your parents. It's not like you were adopted as an adult and signed a contract saying you will be indebted and need to "repay" them.
Yeah, that's an issue I see play out with non-adopted kids as well. For whatever reason, despite no one asking to be born, we're expected to be grateful that our parents provide for us. It's a mindset that discounts developmental traumas, abuse, and other terrible reasons we may not feel grateful. They're just our parents. They signed up for this, not the other way around. Not harming your child and making sure they have a home is the bare minimum
So true, you're so right
So would you rather have your presumably neglectful, if not outright abusive birth parents instead of your adoptive non-hero parents?
Hm... I've never claimed that I prefered my birth parents to my adoptive parents... I think you should be more attentive while reading.
I was adopted into a religious cult. Interesting you mentioned that. I agree with a lot of your perspective personally. Thank you for this resource, i don't think there's enough adoptee content out there so that non-adoptees can understand better. I'm tired of adopters and adoption agencies hijacking our own stories. I hope you're doing well xo
As a Chinese Canadian adoptee with white parents, I can definitely say that a lot of what you are saying is definitely true or similar to how I have felt.
As an adopted person, I hate when people assume i was given up because of my disabilities. (They started to show many years afterwards!) And they say things like "you should be glad they decided to take you, because I couldnt handle it." Or "you should feel lucky that your new parents didnt give up on you." Like what the f*?
Also the "real parents" thing bothers me. I dont have any hate for my birth parents, I dont know them or why I was given up. Nor will I ever know, but my real parents are the ones who really raised me. End of story.
There is also a lot of the savior mentality in the Christian faith. In so many Subtle ways it is said that anyone who adopts is a grand hero saving these poor children from heathens. And worse is, the parents of the adoptees sometimes see it that way too.
I'm so sorry you experience that. You're totally right, my mom's adopted mom definitely saw herself as a savior
I love this so much! Can you talk about the whole “they’re not blood” inc*st that happens a lot in media and fandoms? I’m not adopted but my brother is and if anyone told me to my face that “it doesn’t matter since you’re not related” I would punch them and it makes me mad to see it portrayed that way on tv and books.
I think it's because they are not related that they can have that 'taboo relationships without any negative side effects, but forget that while not related by blood, they see each other as such just like you and your brother.
I am guilty of such a thing, due to it being fiction, but I agree there is too much 'We were always like siblings and then I fell for them out of nowhere' cliche and could use 'Brother/Sister from different mother and father' relationships.
@@1AnimeChannel I get that but it gets to a point where they actually are adopted or grew up as sibling and people get mad that they didn’t end up together. Sweet Home and Voltron are my main examples of this happening.
but....why would people say that to your face when its just about fiction? has someone done that?? if so, thats very creepy and inappropriate. like, i do not want to minimize your feelings on this and its totally valid that it makes you uncomfortable, i just think media and fandoms are about fiction, not real life, and not your life. i think its way healthier to *not* focus on what stories people you dont know like to tell/consume, and more about educating people on the importance of respecting peoples boundaries (so that no one brings up that topic with you once you tell them it makes you uncomfortable) and not force them to consume content they dont want to, but letting them consume the content that they DO want to.
@@jannecapelle_art ngl I get extremely defensive when I see things like that even if it’s fiction. I’ve gotten into arguments with people online where they tell me that their ship is valid because they’re not “actual” siblings. And the whole fiction thing falls in line with enabling things like abuse.
@@amysuarez2456 okay no, I don't agree. It's totally okay if you get defensive about the topic and if you don't like those ships. Totally. BUT. at the end of the day, it's fiction. Fiction is not responsible for people being abusive, just as much as video games are not to blame for mass shootings or whatever was the argument in the 90s. I've heard these kind of arguments on the internet before, and they never make logical sense imo. If you don't think that watching/reading about murder and violence makes you violent or makes you think it's okay in real life, you have to be pretty hypocritical to think that watching/reading about incest and other taboos makes people think these things are good in real life. I think people can do what they want in fiction... 🤷♀️ I mean, millions of people watch game of thrones and probably still don't wanna fuck their siblings because of it😂
I'm adopted but I never saw it as an issue or a secret because my parents were always very open about it and explained things to me from a young age and made sure I felt loved and supported. It only became awkward when people acted shocked when it came up in conversation as though it was supposed to be some tragic traumatic secret. Ignorant comments too along the lines of insisting on calling my birth parents my "real" parents and asking why I didn't want to meet them, or whatever. It did leave me with some complicated emotions that I'm still learning to parse through, but I think every family comes with baggage even if nobody is adopted...
I was also adopted by parents that shared my race, so I can only imagine how much more complicated it gets for kids who are adopted by white parents or parents of a different race in general.
Omg me too my mother was always open about my adoption and whenever people learned of it they acted sad for me and asked if I missed my “real parents”😅 (I’m also an interracial adoptee and questions definitely happen if they see us 😅) My mum explained to me one day that real family ≠ blood related and since then it stuck and I refer to them as my birth parents
Though having this reaction definitely does leave some odd feelings
Great video! If I am ever a parent there's a 99% chance it's gonna be through adoption so it's good to see what it's like from an adoptee. I've always had a pretty favorable view of adoption since my mom was adopted and so was one of my good friends, however me, my mom, and this friend are all white so I know the experience is a lot different than that of a person of color. I'm always disheartened about how much importance is put on bloodlines and finding your birth parents when they didn't raise you.
why would the expeience be different for people of colour?
@@detectivedaffodil437 because of racism. My cousin has been caused of stealing and called the N word many times. We can get upset, scream, ecc.. But we could never give her the support she needed, because we are Italians and we never learned how to deal with racism the way a POC does. She eventually turned out fine, but her teen years were really hard.
@@lalacal88 same goes for white single moms of biological children from black fathers. Quite a few out there. Similar goes for children growing up without the parent of their gender, orientation or whatever present. Not to mention that your shy white straight Christian mom might not really be the best source of advice for you just because you are her biological shy straight white Christian daughter.
@@merionesunguiculatus6049 nice assumptions there, take a chill pill
Accused*
Wow, thank you for sharing your story. I never really understood the adoption process, especially when it comes to white adoptive parents.
yeah, it's a lot to unpack but im glad you enjoyed it :) thanks for commenting!
@@CheyenneLinI’m not adopted but I really like and respect you and what you do for adopted children
I would like to adopt in the future simply because I don't feel the need to have biological children when there are already so many, and many who need loving homes. But when I say this to people they tend to act weird about it, and sometimes assume that I can't have children because of course adoption must be a last resort (sarcasm). My mum in particular is very against it because I am an only child and she wants 'her own' grandchildren, which does hurt when she says it like that. Adoption evidently really needs to be normalised and have this stigma dropped because it seems to be harmful to both the adopter and adoptee in particular. Thank you for sharing your perspective on this, as it helps me understand perhaps what my future children may be thinking and feeling.
same :/
@@welfare_king that's what my mum said but more directly...wity racism and classism included.
I'm also adopted, and it's such an odd feeling. It was very normal to me, except for the fact that I wasn't allowed to talk about it for most of my childhood, because it wasn't as typical. Now, it's much more normalized, and more families adopted from the year 2000 onwards. I'm not sure about my birth mother (I know my birth father abandoned her as soon as he found out she was pregnant), but I would like to write to her (through a program in the government in my origin country), because she was a teenager when she got pregnant and gave birth to me. I know about her circumstances, and as I grew up, I went from kind of ok, to just feeling badly for her. I can't imagine being 17, knocked up, without much support from her family and the stigma of a teen pregnancy back then. So I kind of want to write to her, telling her that it's ok, that I understand why she did it, and that she did the best she could. I turned out alright, and I'm being afforded many choices I might not have been had I stayed. I fear it might be too late, almost 30 years later, but then I think that maybe I'll be relieving some doubts or questions she might have, and well... I haven't gotten around to it just yet, but I'm in the process, and hope it brings her some closure at least.
Thank you for speaking about your personal experience :)
@@sontrajamfemininegaze145 Thank you! It's always nice to have someone reassure me that this is the way to go about it :)
I don’t think its too late, i like the idea☺️
GO!
I know someone who was placed in an abusive foster home and was often told how lucky he was they brought him in. You really never know what people are going through behind closed doors.
1:34 that’s such a weird and loaded question. Like, for whatever reason your bio parents don’t have you but your adoptive parents do, they fought hard to have you and they raised you. I don’t see why it matters if you ever get the chance to meet your birth parents?? Like you’ve got parents. You saw them everyday as a kid. Whatever genetic material you do or don’t have in common is trivial.
I was adopted & have even seen & talked to my mom who was just not ready to be a mom at the time that she had me. She did eventually settle down to become a great mother to my three younger brothers. So I always find it odd when people think that because a child gets put up for adoption it's a bad thing, something to be pitied, or that they're parents never wanted them or love them. This can sadly be the case but in some cases than not it's because they're trying to think about what's best for their child or children
This had led me to want to someday adopt a child or two of my own
as an adoptee this video is so important to me and you touch on so many great points! For example the difficulty of being adopted into a family of a different race etc, whenever I would discuss issues of racism or try connect more with aspects of my birth culture I always had the feeling that my adopted family would feel personally attacked or offended, or I am always worried they might feel I'm not grateful.
This video really resonated with me. I was 11 months when I was adopted from Southern China. I don't know if anyone else feels it too, but I've always had a some kind of separation anxiety. Like when parents dropped me off at school, I felt worried for no reason even though it was a familiar place. It was a strange worry of 'feeling abandoned' all over again. I'm in college now, and I still feel anxious when they drive away.
Thanks for giving voice to this perspective. I must admit that I've been guilty of a few of these offences.
Very well put! I found your videos for the movie analysis, and I was pleasantly surprised to come across this one too. I felt all of these things over the years but never had someone articulate them so honestly and succinctly. The haunted and survivor guilt aspects are especially coming into focus for me now as adult. Thank you for this video!
I want to adopt but I really do hate everyone making comments about it. Like I so selfless or I will be saving the child. I just want to be treated like all the other parents on the block and I know it would be harder on the child.
Thanks for sharing, it's very helpful for non-adoptees. As for the "what if" question, I'm not adopted, but I always wondered how drastically different my life would be if the family hadn't moved to the US.
The best thing that could have happened to me was being given up for adoption. I was super premature and was in and out of hospitals a lot as a kid, and I’m so glad that I was able to have a family who was able to support me then. I don’t know how I’d be if I was still in Russia but does it matter? Absolutely not.
Thank you 🙏🏾 for sharing I can’t imagine how painful it must be for you to open up. 👏🏾🙌🏾
I dont know if I would be considered adopted by normal standards, since I've never been in the system or anything, but I feel like I am.
My father left as soon as I was born and I grew up with an abusive mother. When I was about 9 or 10 years old, the abuse was so bad that it was very visibly obvious, the people in my extended family couldn't act like they didn't know about it anymore because it was getting attention from some doctors and teachers, and I got passed between family members and my mother sent to another state to avoid legal trouble for her. Eventually it was decided that my maternal grandparents would take me in. After my grandfather, who had cancer, died, my grandmother became more abusive herself, though in a different way from my mother, and ive just recently at 17 (im now 18) been able to get out and moved in with my aunt because it got too bad.
Im so glad you talked about feeling like you owe the people taking care of you, the guilt and everything, because ive always felt really guilty for not just being grateful that I had a roof over my head and didn't have to go through my mothers abuse anymore. My extended family would talk, sometimes right in front of me, about how much of a leech I was, how my grandparents didn't need to take care of me, how I was lucky, and how un-greatful I was, and I often felt the same. I still feel like a huge burden, now to my aunt who has children of her own to take care of, but seeing you talk about it makes me feel a little less like I've done something wrong, thanks so much for sharing your story 💕
This was a great video! Thank you so much for sharing your story. I always had so many misconceptions from the media about adoption, but you really cleared that up with explaining it using your personal experience and insight.
Vivek J thank you!
Cheyenne, i discovered your channel yesterday at the airport and I'm already such a fan
I love the quick quote at the beginning of your videos, it’s such a good way to start them and set the vibe!
This video is amazing and eye opening, thank you for posting and sharing. We are all better for it.
Thank you so much for watching!
4:29 I can’t imagine what that’s like tbh. Like I grew up being told I needed to be more grateful etc for my parents doing what they were supposed to do as parents and I wasn’t adopted.
As a person who recently met a brother I didn't know I had don't be scared of meeting your biological family. It was amazing.
My grandma adopted 4 kids out of her 6 children total
One day at 12. She stood me in front of a picture of her children and said 4 are adopted
Do you know which ones
Me: what no. Which ones
Grandma: it doesn’t matter. They’re all my children.
Still til this day I don’t know who was adopted and who wasn’t. It doesn’t matter to my.
It gave me a perspective on life and children
Children should be treated all with love
It should be seamless
You shouldn’t be able to tell the blended family from the biological family
Bcuz it doesn’t matter
Of course the children know that they’re adopted. But after that convo it was enough for me to know that they loved me and I loved them. And that my grandma was a women who loved her children.
Two good friends of mine, both adoptees, represent opposite outlooks on finding birth parents. One did so much searching for his birth mother, he wrote a book on it. The other has no inkling of desire to find hers. But she and her twin sister were adopted jointly, so she has a biological very close relative in her life.
I love your video. Thank you so much for posting this publicly and speaking out about it! I relate so much to your experience, although as to your fifth point, I did go through a different experience, as myself I'm a mixed white/Chinese adoptee from foster care, yet I still did relate with all the points in your video. Idk I can't express how much of a relief it is to feel like I'm not so alone with these feelings and growing up with this odd kinda rare background
I've been binge watching your content and I LOVE it! Thank you for all of the work you put into everything you post here!
My cousin is an adoptee and I teared up a bit watching this one. I really appreciate your helping me understand my family and be a better support system for my cousin. Sending nothing but love your way!
Well meaning or non well meaning strangers who have NO BUSINESS saying certain things. People remain in a constant state of minding other people's business.
This came up in my recommendations and I throughly enjoyed your video. As a fellow adoptee I can relate to a lot of what you said. 🙂
I'm a non-adoptee and I'm always curious about the adoption community and wanted to learn more.
I have read from a writer who is an adoptive parent that she hates being called a hero by "well-meaning strangers" for adopting kids and she explained that she just loves kids. I can't blame her and I feel her pain. Not surprised that adoptees themselves also get annoyed and weirded out when their adoptive parents are called heroes. Giving love, support, and care to a child are all bare minimums because that's what parents are supposed to do! In my opinion, what actually makes a parent a hero is if they saved their child's or anyone's life.
And speaking of "well-meaning strangers" who think they know what's best for adoptees but are actually the ones who hurt adoptees the most....I remember I saw comments made by those "well-meaning strangers" who claimed that if you don't adopt a kid and instead have biological kids, you are selfish if you do that. Um...how is it selfish? Not everyone is cut out to be an adoptive parent and plus financial issues. It's good to adopt but it should be a choice, not an obligation. Not adopting doesn't make you a bad or selfish person.
Yes, all adoptees deserve parents but not all parents deserve children. Some people just don't deserve to be adoptive parents, let alone parents to begin with. Also, people don't realize abusive adoptive parents exist and that's another can of worms.
Oh my goodness, I just watched this video and for myself, personally, this is so relatable! Like dang, I feel you on so many levels. Great video!
Thanks for sharing you’re story!
I want to adopt/foster (not have any bio) so thank you for sharing Cheyenne. Always a pleasure to hear your perspective. I’d love more videos like this too if you want too! 💕
I'm an adoptee and my birth siblings recently found me. Its been....a hot mess. You never know what you are going to get with that situation. Every adoptee IS different and it's nice when we start to share our stories so that more of us have someone to relate to. I know I felt alone with all of the stories that can be summed up as "i found my bio fam and its great!" It is refreshing to see other people with reservations about meeting their bio fam.
Thank you for sharing this part of your personal experience with us. I really appreciate the insight.
I’d be very interested to hear more on your experience and insight of inter-racial adoption.
Like some common blind spots of white parents/ specific needs you had as a child that may have been overlooked, and how they could have been better met.
Hi, I just wanted to say that I think you are a very beautiful human being and I am so happy to a found your channel and I love your content.
I agree so much. The parents are specifically the lucky ones. I am super trying to adopt a child but we haven't been chosen as a family yet.
That's an excellent point! It's a privilege to be entrusted to care for a child, and people who get to adopt ARE lucky.
Me and my sister were adopted by different families, so I don't have a high opinion of adoption.
@@missylarsson3517 She died 16 years ago.....
6:45 I can’t imagine adopting a baby from a different race or culture and not doing my damndest to know everything I could as an outsider about their heritage and possible life experiences.
I relate to this a lot. I am adopted to but I was adopted a couple days after birth.
3:40 - Did she say Babies were EATEN??
Some people forget, that you sometimes are completely different from your biological parents. What's the point of having theoretically the same genes when you feel like a misanderstood outsider in your family? If I were adopted by a family of musicians or writers, my life could be something more than suffering because of generic words broadcasted by my down-to-earth thinking mother😒. I could have received unconventional conversations or evenings spent on playing together. Instead I got curse words yelled at me afer a simple phone call from work. And I need to remain the calm side, who looks after the other one and calms my mother down.
You see? I turned the stereotype upside down, speculating about being adopted while having a biological family. It is possible too.
I can't thank you enough for talking about these issues in such an enlightening way! My mother was adopted (illegally) by an abusive evangelical white woman. the things she internalized from that trauma are countless and she has always been in such denial because that's how society conditioned people in her situation when she was growing up. Adoption in USA has led to such much generational trauma, worsened by the fact that people are so unaware and uneducated about it. Again, thank you for making these videos
Thank you for being willing to share your experiences. My spouse and I are planning to adopt in the next year or so, and it's good to have a heads up about some things to warn at least our family away from asking. (Most of our friends are also planning to adopt, so I don't suspect it will be an issue from most of them)
Great video. Very informative!
Never felt like like I had adopted siblings when we lived on a farm in bum-fuck nowhere Holland. Definitely felt it in big city Toronto. The audacity of some people was astounding. I never thought of my sister as anything but my sister but they sure did try to make me. Sucks to be them, she’s absolutely amazing and the definition of best big sister ever. Kinda hard to forget that
Thank you for sharing your experience!
I'm considering adoption when I'm older,, but specifically I want to adopt teenagers about to graduate school so I can fund and give them a jump start in life (college. Medical stuff. Etc). How would people see this?
Why don't you just donate to them at that point lol
That’s my dream if I ever become rich I thought I was the only one!!! There should be some sort of program where we can sponsor young adults that have had it rough to help them get started.
@@plamondonworks6948 because I want to fully fund the beginning life of a teenager. Education is something I value so I'd be happy to see a person have many opportunities
@@amysuarez2456 ikr! I'm surprised it's not a common thing for people
@@plamondonworks6948 oh, but one more thing to consider is most people don't even learn life skills or how to adult from their parents but atleast they can ask their parents how to do every little thing over the phone in college.
And giving a bunch of teenagers who never had money, thousands or tens of thousands of dollars when they have no financial literacy doesn't make sense. I mean I'm 20 and I have no financial literacy even with parents because I never possessed money before.
So, it's not a bad idea to adopt a bunch of teenagers in the middle of high-school and prepare them for adulthood.
My dad was adopted. Now in his 80s, he has found two half brothers. It's not easy
thank you for sharing your story
As a kid I never saw adopted children as different from children growing up with their biological parents. Later I learned that some of these went through hardships or even trauma in the process, but this also applies to biological ones. Also I never judged people since I was used to be judged and bullied myself and I didn't like it. So I didn't do it. This was one of the reasons why I became a social justice blogger 7 years ago. But I made so many blunders, accidently offending one community when I was busy speaking up for another one. Also the Adoptee- and foster home community. When I attacked Rachel Dolezial - since I really wanted to fight against white people objectifing black people and black face and stuff I angered the adoptees, since I didn't knew trans-racial is an actual term from adoption bureauocracy and that me thinking it was a racist thing Dolezial just made up, was very bad. A couple of blunders and cluster f bombs of several communties later I realized due to my rare amount of free time and my unsuccessful attempt of doing research of every community, race and culture, I decided that I do more harm than help and just should stop trying to be an activist. I still educate myself with essays like yours and try to become a better person everyday. But I do this most outside the internet. I'm happy, you had a good relationship with your family and hope that more parents educate their kids not to judge others
You have such a beautiful smile
My< friends in my hometown were child labor. picking pecans.treated like shit. I am so happy you found some people that care.
I've had a long professional relationship with a former female coworker who shared her story before becoming a nurse, and later, a social worker....I knew she had been stereotyped in her life, and we got along well when she initiated conversation of her adoption experience as as infant along with her 2 older siblings.......
I was almost in the foster system for various reasons as a child, though that may have been better for me since the defining event in my life was contracting and surviving bacterial meningitis when I was 12.
My grandma was adopted by this absolutely unrealistic Daddy Warbucks type of guy (except instead of being a greedy warhawk he was this architect who went around the world constructing bridges for rural villages in impoverished countries)-- she has all these black and white photos of his crazy adventures with his crew-- so needless to say my understanding of adopted life was pretty warped early on :P
I don't think its a very easy thing to go around
adoption
I'd like to adopt a kid one day
I saw a very respectable and wholesome couple adopt a kid and honestly they are just parents you know
not saviours,parents
And thats the best thing for them i guess
Thank you for this!!! I learnt so much also the term "third world" is a racist term and shouldn't be used
Maybe it is used in "racist" ways nowadays, but "third world" isn't a racist term at all. A third world country is one that wasn't aligned with NATO (first world) or the Warsaw Pact (second world) during the cold war. Ireland was a third world country, so are Sweden, Finland and Austria. I suppose it's more an outdated term that doesn't apply to the modern world anymore, since the Warsaw Pact hasn't been a thing for more than 30 years now and it doesn't really make sense to continue using it.
My mom was adopted and my biological father left when I was 2 so trying to find things out about where we came from hasn’t been easy my middle sister who has a different dad who stayed doesn’t get why it hard for me to want to know more especially when it comes to health
I have a bit of Inuit I already knew my mom was French Canadian and Inuit and that she was the only child her mother gave up
I’ve had people tell me because I have white father I can’t claim the Inuit part because I didn’t live the struggles of those who lived in Alaska
I’m lighter than my mom but people have always made comments throughout my life about how I mush have Native American in me because of my features
I question if I’m even allowed to claim this part of myself because I didn’t live on a reservation or in Alaska
But then I think isn’t it racist if I deny this part of myself?
Shared experiences makes a culture, proximity makes a group, birth makes an ethnicity. If you’re part Inuit then you’re part Inuit, and anyone who shames your for that is themself a racist and almost certainly not an Inuit themselves. It’s your identity, and you have the right to it.
@@dominicthorpe2894 thank you so much for this I really needed it
I honestly think the person who told me this didn’t mean harm but I think their white guilt blinds them to those who are mixed passing
And I get it to a point I didn’t want anyone to think that I was trying to claim anything other than this is a part of me you know?
My mom gets mail from Alaska giving her information on different things I know she gets money every now and then
She was bullied for her dark skin and even tried to scrub her skin white with a wire brush because she was different
Her parents who adopted her were white and from Texas they were stationed in Alaska in the late 50s and early 60s when they adopted her
We're in very similar boats, I didn't know there were other people like me!
My dad is Chickasaw, but we didn't grow up knowing any of our culture because of racism and prejudice here in the South, along with most of his family being under-educated in general due to fear of school after my great-grandmothers's residential schooling. We didn't know what race we were until she died when I was 10 because she hid it her whole life (i.e. claiming it was just an abusive boarding school in Kentucky, and wearing makeup several shades lighter every day) but had it listed in her will so she'd be buried properly.
My mom and her family are white and well-educated, and I distinctly remember my grandpa asking my dad if our family ever "scalped anyone" or if he was "another alcoholic like the rest are these days" and wondering what was wrong with us. And why these questions didn't start until after my great-grandma died.
Kids at school would bully me and my younger brother for our long hair and our skin, but I've never had the cultural knowledge to tell them why we had it, just that it's what every man in our family looks like. We were told not to talk about our faith at school (neo-pagan) because no one would understand.
We're all unsure whether now if we're allowed any claim to our heritage since biracial Native people (especially ones that didn't know their heritage for most of their childhood) seem to be a hot button issue in off-the-rez circles.
I always knew I was different, but never knew why. I'm interested in learning more about Chickasaw traditions, but being accused of cultural appropriation terrifies me.
I'm mostly white passing now because I got nailed with bad genetics that affect my cell growth, leaving me much paler and greenish. Which definitely further complicates me embracing my heritage since I don't "look Native" anymore.
I'm 21 now, and I don't want to die without knowing more about who I am and where I come from, and (hopefully) being able to teach my kids about us.
Hey Cheyenne. I hope you're well. I know as a parent if I had to give up a child for adoption, I'd be hovering over the internet daily to see if I can find my long lost child. I took a few trips to foreign lands and I'm sure one day I'll get a visit by someone that claims they just wanted to meet me. So you're all grown up; but I'm sure you are secure in your skin. I think more people should speak out the way you do. I am a man of no fear, but I'm careful not to make people feel too uneasy, as that could hurt feelings. As a parent of highly evolved earthlings, I just wanted to say thanks and I'm looking forward to more of your vids. If you are really brave you can check out a scam camp story book I highly recommend called Yellow Beard & the Curse of tbe Bloodline on Amazon. Until the next video, then.
This is an old video but overseas adoptees often have different circumstances for being placed up for adoption than their American counterparts. In South Korea for instance, there was extremely heavily political turmoil, unrest and war so around the 1980's and before you see a large number of Korean children put into the adoption.
With China, the one child-policy meant any additional child would involve heavy economic sanctions and taxes on those families for every "extra child" they had. Likewise when you were born, China was a deeply impoverished country. This meant infanticide for number of unfortunate children. It also mean a business opportunity, establish for parents wanting to skirt around some of the heavy restrictions in America's own adoption system.
For the transracial particular asian-adoptees, I feel that the circumstances often create highly interesting and dramatic backgrounds such as "Kati Pohler" whose Chinese parents had left a note that read they'd wait at the bridge to meet her again when she turn a certain age if she wanted to meet again.
Additionally I feel like there's a whole host of issues/experiences that transracial adoptee experiences that can't even be understood by non-transracial adoptee such as "Old Adoptee Meets Young Adoptee | The Gap | LADbible". Where an old Chinese-female-adoptee talks to a young white-male-adoptee.
Overall an interesting but complex human experience.
Please remake this video when or if you have children of your own? I can say from my experience that the way I see certain aspects of life changed a lot with that. I am grateful for your honesty. I have considered adoption but 1. I want the whole picture, 2. I don't want to mess it up and 3. I want to make sure that my entering the child's life was actually a good thing for the child.
I was adopted because my mother couldn't support me and refused to get an abortion. I also somehow managed to grow up without considering myself a perpetual victim.
dude, you are so cool ! 😊😊😊😊
I think the strongest feeling I have is the survivors guilt. Like I was born in an impoverished region of my country, and i narrowly made it into the US. And as much as feel like I’d make a meaningful life in my birth nation, I wonder if using my chance well enough
Very insightful. I hope that my comment aids you in UA-cam’s hell-gorithm.
Btw, I think that ‘Tom’ is a bot
I'm learning so much from you!
great video
Hi, Cheyenne
Could you ever please watch the TV show "This Is Us" and let us know what you think about how adoption is portrayed in it? It is pretty "happy" like you mentioned, but some parts of it are not so much. This is just a suggestion, though. I am just curious as to how realistic it is because it seemed realistic to me, but then again, I was raised with my birth parents, so I do not know what it is like being adopted.
The only thing I can think of why parents adopt children is they can't make or have biological children in their genes because of their futility issues and genuinely want a family and I thought that was the best reason for this.
Juno while I know it's a teen pregnancy movie but it does have a topic of why they choose to adopt a child because a teen is too young to be a parent and wants to give up to move on.
It aslo doesn't shy away from even the parents like a father doesn't want a family or not ready for it while the mother really does and their marriage doesn't work out and split and have a child alone and it was interesting.
1:12 not every adopted kid has seen an orphanage or foster home. In fact I think statistically babies under 6 months get adopted the most?? I know there’s a baby shortage in the world. And I knew an adopting parent and she adopted her baby while he was still in the womb and then went to go see him and bring him home shortly after he was born and it only took a couple months to finish out the paperwork.
- While it is true that China has a preference for sons over daughters, something that has been weakening tremendously, it is also true that the adopters also prefer daughters over sons. From what I read, it seems that the people who make the adopting decision tend to be the mothers, and mothers may want a little girl to feel close to her or have a mother-daughter bond. Furthermore, adoption agencies in the USA try to do race-matching, but this is complicated stuff because adopters tend to be rich and racially white, while the adoptees tend to be non-white and come from socially deprived backgrounds. But, some people are willing to spend big bucks to have a new addition to the family.
- Well, for starters, your native language would be Mandarin Chinese and written Chinese, because you are required to learn it since primary school.
- Education and social class are another factor. Highly educated, financially secure Chinese households - however uncommon that may be back in the day - would have more socially liberal attitudes than their rural and poor counterparts, while the rural, poor counterparts tend to preserve Chinese traditions such as filial piety and the old way of life (the old agricultural calendar as opposed to the Western Gregorian calendar).
- Nowadays, China is limiting on the number of babies exported, so you don't get as many as you used to because native parents are competing with foreign parents, and Chinese adoption agencies would of course send the best ones to native Chinese parents, while children with special needs (thus higher maintenance costs) would be sent to foreign parents. Some foreign adopters actually do care about their kids' native culture, and they take great lengths in sending the kids to Chinese school or hiring a Chinese-speaking nanny. Of course, it really puts a high price tag on adoption.
- Anne of Green Gables was adopted. Her guardians were a brother-and-sister team, and they wanted a boy but they got a girl instead. A girl couldn't work on the farm, so they were somewhat disappointed, but a girl was what the orphanage had.
People think giving birth to a child is already a gift (the ‘I give you food, shelter, and clothes on your back’ argument), so of course they’d be delusional enough to think adoptees are ‘lucky’ 😒 I hate people.
I'd imagine that your experience is very different from those adopted out of foster care, like my siblings. However, this is a super great video! And it does certainly help to see different sides of adoption 😌😊
revisit this in thirty years, your video, if you even have the opportunity
5:52 idk if adoptive parents are saviors or not? Like these are typically just people who love and want children so they adopt. One of my teachers in high school adopted purely cuz she and her husband were having issues having a biological family together so they adopted a baby. I look back and wonder if my comments (she said “we couldn’t have children” and I said “well now you do have a baby”) were insensitive but at the same time she did what she could to bring a child into a loving home. That’s kind of just what it is: people just want kids.
dude, being adopted is cool , i'm the only brown person in my family ! 🥰🥰🥰🥰my family is awesome!
Thank u
I'm a white Canadian who's wanted to adopt from China since I was 10 so I really appreciate hearing your thoughts and feelings as an adoptee
*Edit: Please also see my replies below for more information on my understanding of international adoption and caring for children.
I am open to respectful conversations and differing opinions
Wtf why specifically China and since you were 10..... why would a literal child fantasize about adoption ....
@@Harpoonland Specifically China because I knew that the one child policy there at the time meant a lot of children were being abandoned. For whatever reason that stuck with me.
I wanted to be married and have children when I became an adult for as long as I can remember. I don't think that's creepy. I think it's a part of the whole "what do you want to be when you grow up" kind of thing.
Obviously as you grow up, your interests can change. But the hope of adopting one day has stayed with me as I've grown up, learned more about what that looks like, and done my own research into different kinds of adoption
But there are a lot of abandoned children in Canada, why specifically China?
@@lighthousekermit they answered that as a kid they heard about the one child policy. It's likely that they won't be picking specifically from China nowadays, as an adult.
Yes, cuz those in america and Canada dont need help
I’m sorry you wound up being adopted into this shithole country. You’re an amazing person, and I appreciate you sharing your story. My partner and I are thinking of adopting and are trying to see what we should or shouldn’t do to make things easier for the kid.
🙏❤💪
You sound like JAiDEN animations
A little bit of a stretch on the "adopters being the lucky ones' take. It's a risk for both sides. All relationships are a risk, but with adoption strangers are brought directly into each others intimate space.
I am prob about the same age as your adoptive parents or almost. Your parents must be proud of how intelligent and well spoken you are.
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