How and when do I have the exclusivity conversation?
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- Опубліковано 21 сер 2024
- Viewer Ger R writes, “Hi Susan. Please do a video about bringing up the topic of being exclusive. How long before wanting this is reasonable? And, with that conversation, I would think that removing our profiles is appropriate to be part of the discussion. I can understand not dismantling it but it can be kept off of circulation. If your partner never asks to be exclusive and you feel the relationship is at that point, how does one handle this? Thank you, Susan! You take what seems to be big issues in our lives and simplify the thought solving process.”
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I usually give it a few months (3 months) of continuous dating and conversation. The last guy I was dating we were approaching our 3rd month so I was expecting the exclusivity discussion. Needless to say that week I found out he had opened up a Match account. I immediatley ended it. I told him I knew we weren't exclusive yet, but by his actions on joining Match he didn't intend to ever see me as his girlfriend. He apologized, but I'm a one and done type of person. Next!
P RW Great advise! However I feel that men have to bring up the conversation. Here in the tri-state area, there are over 200k single women over single men. In other words, we are disposable until the next hottest girl shows up. A man has to be the pursuer especially when it comes to getting a commitment. Remember, men are the ones who ask us for marriage, not the other way around. If they can't ask for exclusivity there's no way they'll be proposing for marriage down the road.
@@tabithagarcia7701 Cool story. You sound very insecure and controlling. Not in your feminine at all. And you obviously don't know how to communicate or vet the the men you date. It's been 5 years, where has that attitude got you? Single?
Susan I totally agree. In our age of distractions and multitasking it's challenging for people to have a singular focus. I've thought about it and like you I think that if a person takes some time to exclusively get to know another without distraction then he/she may find a great partner. Often people choose multiple partners because they don't want to end up alone. This comes from a place of fear not abundance.
This is pure gold. Thanks Susan!
Words are important.. listening and not assuming ✔
best to have convo b4 one is emotionally invested 💯
Thanks for clarity 🦋
Absolutely, Mimi
Susan you are my soul sister! Every time I’m unsure about something, you post a video about it. Thank you 🙏🏾
As I watch and learn from your lessons. As I have written before, the instructions you provided are invaluable. Once again "THANKS"
YOu''re welcome, Jose
I must say, as per the usual Susan, I agree. Who has time for games, anyway? Unless the hunt, chase, or games are a hobby...one would think we are all too busy this day and age to waste energy and time on partnerships not going anywhere. Or at least a concerted effort to find out the potential a partnership may hold, at a minimum.
I have found online dating exhausting. I think there is a process with the dating period and grace period that when we're "searching" for a mate, we need to allow the other person to maintain their online profile. When I am on a date, I give my full attention, but I don't expect men to disable their profiles because we're meeting for coffee. I do, however, think that if there is a great interest in the other person, they would be wise to disable their online profile.
Tee Jay I agree. I don’t understand the seemingly addictive social media profile maintenance. This certainly rings true when in an exclusive relationship in “real” life.
Great topic! I too am of an age, when men pursued and did it for a relationship, not just a hookup.
I recently told a man (because I heard thru a mutual friend), under no uncertain terms, that taking me out for drinks and afterwards IMMEDIATELY going to his hookup (ex, but not an ex, she's apparently just a f-buddy, and quite loose with several guys) for a romp was NOT acceptable behavior in MY world. Period.
I was so thoroughly disgusted by this behavior, I told him to just go away.
Had I seen this video, that exclusivity talk would have been my FIRST order of business, to ask for a chance at a relationship to grow, without distraction. (Love how you phrased that!)
I just laugh now when I think how he told me he wanted to find "real" love and have an exclusive relationship with someone. He's doing the opposite of what needs to be done!
Always do what you've done, always get what you've gotten.
A woman HAS to set boundaries of what is and is NOT acceptable behavior to be in a relationship.
This hookup culture is destroying any chance for true love and romance to happen. I want NO part of it, and just pray there is a man thinking the same thing. ❤️❤️
j juniper you understand things that the correct way for sure you will find better half
Mujeeb Ayyil I was married and with the same man from age 18-44. I know how a solid love starts off. And I know what it takes is complete transparency.
My mother and grandmother were a very moral women. My father respected and loved my mother.
I was raised in a good loving home, and know how it works. :)
Thank you for the kind comment. :)
j juniper very good u kept your relationship a long time a beautiful period in normal. But sometime people loose when they find some different personals I think people such you will keep their cunning and dignity through out life. Goodluck
Oh my goodness Susan. Thanks a million for confirmation. I always make it a point to discuss this in the initial stages of dating because it is a deal breaker if the person I'm with or going to be with cannot be exclusive or monogamous. Thank you so much.☺
Yesss! I also asked about this topic recently, thank you very much... in the end we just weren’t a match then because he thought different about it and he finds it an ‘issue’..
Well then you’re not the right one for me ;)
Thank you for explaining the difference between dating in your generation and more recent generations.
I like your outlook, Susan. It is hard for me to adapt to today's dating trend since I tend to fall towards the traditional style. Thank you.
Susan thank you!!! I feel the same. If a man can hunt towards sex straight out of the gate then we can say what we expect. And I don’t care how old you are , if his profile is still up then don’t give it up!!!!!! End of story
Women can hunt sex too. I agree though. For me there is a clear point when one needs to ask for and get exclusivity. At first it can feel strange for someone to stop browsing internet profiles or even contacting people but there should be a point - and I think it's after 3-5 dates - when one asks for (and says no deal if it's not agreed) exclusivity
You are right both women and men are guilty
I was speaking for myself so I used a man as an example. Ours dating has been difficult for me because I cannot help it, I’m hurt if they are still online even after a couple dates. I guess I’m old school. I left the dating world as a teenager and returned to grown adults acting like teenagers. I keep the faith that the right one will come along then there will be no games , just love and respect :) 🙏💕😊
M I think you are right. Maybe it is after a couple of dates. I'm in a long term partnership and it's a long time since I dated but I remember when Internet dating it was quite an addictive or compulsive thing and quite normal to be looking and talking to or dating multiple people so stopping that was sometimes difficult for people too but as long as you both talk about it and agree to go "exclusive" and then both stick to it it should be ok
Regarding adults acting as teenagers I know what you mean and I think it's often because they (or we - I've probably been like that too) somehow didn't get the chance to act like a teenager at that time (maybe because they married too early or - as in my case - wasn't together enough as a person to even get a girlfriend at a younger age - or they are just enjoying the freedom now after a previous difficile relationship)
as a millenial who grew up consuming loads of music/movies from the 60s and 70s it's interesting to hear that millenials ushered in the era of the casual relationship.
Wow, thank you, Susan, for answering my question! I'm delighted!!♡ This made my day!! :)
G R thanks for asking the questions.
The problem is women want that upfront with no investment. I am not going to commit to being exclusive just because i met you and you dont want to invest anytime to give us a chance to determine if we should be exclusive. To suggest or make it about other women or outside things imho is insecure. Its not always about other women or anything typical it is about dating the right way.
I've learned through years of dating to never assume exclusivity. You have to ask and even then, most aren't honest. I tell all women I'm dating up front in the beginning. I'll repeat if needed. I'm like this because women always date this way, even when committed. I keep my integrity but it's a rare thing these days to find in others. Too much easy casual sex and swipe left culture these days. Cheating is the number one reason women leave a relationship. They've almost always met someone else first, then leave.
Thank You Susan🌈 Maybe some are currently clarifying their true core values first? , so to be completely honest about Who they are, So no surprises , just awesome Spirit Connect Relations by and for both. I wish You Many Blessings Always⛅
This is how i am too. Its 2024 and still my belief is focus on one person to date and get to know him.
4:33 woah there!
Good video, as always, thank you
Wow..... I’m blown away..... You’re amazing....... That was a perfect way of explaining it...... Thank youuuuuuuu sooooo much
So glad!
Its wrong to stick with one person unless the feelings develop. Its self explanatory, you see many people until you really like someone. Forcing it and making such request will backfire
Not really. The more people you see, the less capable you are bonding to one person, as well the more chance you will hurt someone. That selfish approach will only make you miserable long term, like so many people in western societies.
Brava Susan, brava!! Your brilliant.
3rd -4th date feels the best time, not to drag it on
I have spent a month visiting at my lover's and we had an amazing connection. According to American dating standards (I'm not from there), was it too early on to ask for a relationship? Because he said he couldn't promise me at this point, had to focus on his life first.. we are in our fourties.. And soon after I caused the breakup. I wonder if I rushed it, but a whole month together, when you have such a great time together, is enough to me, to figure if you want to pursue it in a relationship or not. Was I too impatient?
No, I think you're timing is right. Why bother to invest emotionally and not have the same from your mate?
Thank you Susan. I always learn a lot from your insights.
I brought it up after two weeks, I was insecure...but we were spending days and nights together and it was amazing... Also as I don't live in the same country, it seemed appropriate in order to make sure we were on the same page and moving towards living together at some point.
I am invested emotionally because he has been treating me as his girlfriend with love and affection, he was very invested and passionate too... But with the distance, he had first withdrawn emotionally and said he couldn't promise anything and had to focus on himself. I caused the breakup, regretted it and now he is the one who wants to break things off and is giving me the silent treatment. That's very confusing how people can change from an extreme to another. Your video about why men can completely shut down emotionally was very helpful in that matter.
I would say a month of continuous dating is definitely enough time to know if you want to continue.
Great guidance given..thanx Susan
Why would a guy I saw a few times ask: Do you wanna see me? Instead of: Id like to see you, would you want to meet?
Right? He should say what he really wants to do. “I would like to see you again”. Would you like to go do such and such? Not, do you want to see me again. That’s lame.
Hi Susan I love your content! Are you able to post anything about the following topic.. do they have feelings for you or do they just want your attention?
Hello there Susan Ooh your the best #1
Hi Frank. Happy you like this one. Thanks!
Susan Winter your very welcome 😊
Ya this is were I messed up my last dating experience everything was going well romantically, attraction, connection going amazingly and then I asked for the exclusivity the wrong way, I asked her if she wanted to fool around in the as we were discussing dinner plans for next week at my place that would of really romantic, while I had the best intentions for her and us and maybe wait a little longer to discuss the future adventures in the bedroom, so I ended ruining it and she said I want things to happen naturally and not asked for and that’s we’re everything fell apart
Thank you.
But how long should you he exclusive before you make an official decision on the relationship and shouldn't there be a conversation about taking this to the next level of an intentional relationship(i.e. to add titles and more commitments)
Susan (and others!) I hear a lot of people saying that guys should never bring up exclusivity. How valid is this? Is there any truth to this? I recently asked a girl if she was open to a relationship and couldn’t help but wonder if I made the wrong decision. I did get my answer though..
I live in Australia and we do things differently here. Do you know of anyone who is Australian and covers topics like this? I don't really understand my own culture much, because I was raised in a ferral kind of way. Just being honest. I was left to fend for myself, being isolated and locked away. Where can I start to understand the dating culture in my own Country? I have a lot to learn about other areas of life as well. Most of my life so far I was physically I'll and mentally ill and that left me vulnerable at times, but through this I've developed some inner strength. Thank you.
Hi Jasmin, I am in Australia aswell. You sound much younger than I. I am mid 40's. I have not dated for well over a decade and I feel forced to consider this new culture of online dating, in doing so I am thirsty for knowledge. To date, I have only come across Mark Rosenfeld who is Australian, on youtube. He is a dating coach. I like alot of what he says but I also acknowledge, due to our age difference, that some of what he says I wouldn't necessarily practice. You may find him and his advice helpful, especially if you are in this younger age demographic. I wish you well on your journey, love yourself and tap into all the resources available to you, to help you to build a life that you want.
The issue I have is that this girl I'm seeing is asking me to be celibate for an undefined period of time until she's ready... that's one-sided and a terrible start to a relationship. Why should I burn my bridges with the other girl that IS having sex whenever I feel like it to be celibate on her schedule!?
I love love loveee sending hand written letters, but I have been pretty busy and have been traveling a lot lately. Good thing I came across an app where you can send a text and they turn it into a pretty letter…. Let me know if you want to know what app I used :)
well, and if you didn´t say anything and you´ve been on this for more then 2 years. How can i start the conversation?
Asking for e exclusive is not A real relationship
Do you mean get intimate first, then ask for exclusivity?
what to do if our man is trying to make us feel that we had done wrong in the past ....if we had a past
Nobody should be throwing your past in your face. Have a serious discussion that it must stop. If it doesn't, you must move on. Don't let anyone ever bully you like this about anything.
Susan question why good man can't find true love to marriage but the bad one always find it
No so, Lee. I know plenty of good men in good relationships.
How Susan
Lol men cant commit to sleeping with one while they are in a relationship let alone marriage they dont exist I'm 53 this year have dated my entire life never met a genuine man never....I'm not looking anymore
The early the better because the time you wasted on the wrong person is the time you lost being with the right person. How nice would it be is to have God next to you to filter out the people who’s a serial dater!
Being exclusive from the start is a train wreck in the making. This is horrible advice
For your goals, perhaps! And your avoidant attachment style.
Sweet she is finally admitting being in an affair