Afraid to Ask Where It's Going? WATCH THIS
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- Опубліковано 11 лип 2024
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When is the appropriate time to ask where a relationship is going?
If you’ve been seeing someone for a month and are sleeping together . . . can you ask then? Should you wait four months to make sure you don’t come on too strong? Or maybe you should wait for THEM to ask you? And if they don’t bring it up . . . is that a bad sign?
The truth is, we often don’t feel like we can ask because we’re afraid of the answer.
In today’s video, I share three perspectives that can shift your mindset when it comes to discussing the future of your relationship, so you can finally break free from fear and build a relationship guided by open communication and shared values.
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▼ Chapters ▼
0:00 - 0:46 - Asking Where the Relationship Is Headed
0:46 - 2:58 - Why Hasn’t It Come Up Already?
2:58 - 3:55 - Why We Haven’t Mentioned It
3:55 - 4:36 - When We Keep Giving More to It
4:36 - 6:13 - #1 Effort Doesn’t Necessarily Equal Progress
6:13 - 7:33 - #2 Losing the Scarcity Mindset
7:33 - 9:54 - #3 Be Slower in Deciding They’re ‘The One’
9:54 - 11:33 - Dating With Results
YES! Normalize leaving early! Better a light sting of disappointment than the pain of extreme heartbreak 😮💨
Players will simply tell the person what they want to hear to drag things out AKA lie about commitment. They know that when asked about where's things are going, they can use their intimacy to trap the person. Meanwhile, they are seeing other people and are ready to ghost when an ultimatum is given. They move on quickly because they have back up people, leaving you in heartbreak. Simply stop choosing the same broken Player type with idea to fix in the long run.
Sometimes players put in maximum amount of effort and you still get played. Alot of times they play the long game
@@zero1188 Yes, they have people stacked into categories and schedules based on their availability.
@@sarahhey8654 yup and they can play the long game because they have other options. Waiting isnt an issue for them. While they wait, they deal with other women until you let them hit. Waiting is not a loss for them
My player played me for 14 years.
I have backups for the players!! 😂😂😂
More afraid of losing my time than losing the person. This describes completely how I feel.
i also want to add that just because someone keeps you around doesnt mean they value you. actions speaks always louder than words, people can say anything but if they act differentely than their words, its just not it.
I pretty much ask the question in the beginning. lol! I'm not wasting my time with someone who isn't even looking for a commitment. Next, even if they say that they want commitment, they have to be in a place where they can be in a commitment: stable job, no lingering exes, financial stability, ready and willing to take action towards the next step, etc.
Ppl really need to grow up and be completely upfront from the off, you want fun only say it, you are looking for a potential life partner say it, dont mislead ppl to get what you want.
If its not going anywhere after a month or 2 let it go and wish them well for the future.
Simple really..
True. Although that's not easy, that's exactly what I did with a guy I dated.
@@slobodankaarambasic4961 yeh it will never be when your feeling invested with the person, but you need to put your own needs 1st and realise if its going nowhere then you have to cut it of early, no point in getting in any deeper when you think you feel something they dont or never will. Look after your self and put yourself 1st, dont stay around and long for something that you know deep down will hurt you in the end. Always let it go and try again, it gets easier the more you do it..
Month two? Shit. Date two.
Somebody once said: 'if he likes you then you'll know and if he doesn't you'll be confused'. Put anything in the place of like... Cares about you, loves...
It's absolutely true that with a good man with good intentions you will have no doubts where the relationship is going quite early on and you are at peace. If you're confused and anxious after months of sleeping together, he is sadly using you. That's all. Sex shouldn't even be on the table if you're looking for a relationship and you feel any confusion as to what he wants from you. I know it's an unpopular opinion these days, but it can save you from a lot of tears and attachment to a person who will hurt you. And trust me, there are men who don't have to start getting to know you in bed...
This is so true.
needed to hear that
I needed to see this message today. There’s a guy that I went on a date with and after a recent text, am left feeling very confused. Thank you!
@@adelaide674 I'm glad it can help somebody. You should never feel confused. Every time myself or any of my friends felt confused it ended badly. And each time our intuition was telling us to run away and I know we all ignored it.
It's really important to pay attention to how YOU feel. If a man likes you in a relationship -kind-of-way he will let it be known pretty quickly because he will not want to risk loosing you by leaving you confused and in doubt.
Thank you for sharing this, we need to know this as woman bcoz like you said we will want to hold on to him and still be confused and anxious all at the same time. Sad and I just got out of a 7 year too long shituationship just like that. Loved your message ❤❤❤
Change the scarcity mindset 👌
Be more afraid of losing your time than losing the person👌
Feels like it comes back to us feeling good enough and feeling confident in stating our needs courageously in the face of possible rejection.
Hi everyone, If you need to ask "Where is this going" then don't ask just walk away. If the guy cannot speak up and be a Gentleman & do the right thing walk away. Women should know where it is going because making a woman feel wanted, secure and content in my opinion is important. If the man isn't doing that at the begining when the most important foundations to build a solid relationship is supposebly been made then he certainly won't do it further down the line. Wasting your life thinking "What are we, where are we going in this so called relationship" is not a good place to be.
This reallly hurts to accept..but it is the truth.... i love him and it hurts so much now.......he dont want to introduce ne to his family yet.... hes not ready. 😢
@@sammypotsammy7884 Hello how long have you been together. May I ask what ethenticity you & your partner are? Thank you.
Amen
Absolutely agree! We are on the same page❤
@@tingtinghou5113 Thank you
If they aren't treating you well, move on, stop lying to yourself, find better, love is meant to bring you joy, not pretending and suffering disrespect. Keep going.
Oh i dont care anymore. If I am dating someone for more then 3 months and we are having a great time and being intimate I will just have the talk. If he runs then whatever! Thanks for the time and Cya! I don't rely on others to make me happy anymore.
I asked this after three months and he went completely mad and said if I kept asking-I’d push him away. He lovebombed massively at the start and then it went to zero. Even if I asked what was happening in a nice way-I was punished for it. The only time he was nice to me, was when he needed money or my time. I left him. He was desperate to keep me as a friend and I refused. He was so messed up. So glad I left. I changed my number
This is spot on! I’ve been think this same thing over the last weeks with someone I’ve been “seeing / dating”, it’s like you’ve read my mind! I’ve been feeling like this for a while now, I guess you’ve answered questions for me
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Thank you for actually putting the dynamic that I'm experiencing into words. Been dating a man just like this and I have had anxious attachment style because he gives me so little and I'm always asking for more. I'm also always breaking up with him but he just won't let me go. Of course he won't let me go because he can have his cake and eat it too. He gives me very little and has me by his side being my natural giving and loving self. I've had to dull my personality around him so that I don't feel bad about his bread crumbs. I'm done with that! I'm going to make this video a daily watch to keep reminding myself!❤❤❤
Hey Beth! What are some of the things he's not giving you that you wish he was giving you?
hows it going now dear. i was on that shoes now. it hurts
I think you know what you need to do
I understand how hard that is! It takes a lot of courage to finally speak up and actually leave when they can’t give us what we need. Keep us posted on how thing go! Sometimes we need community and external accountability to help support us as we wean ourselves off of something like this coz it can be pretty addicting.
It’s you who’s not letting him go.
I love this. Stop waiting for them to mature or change , value your time not some wish that they’ll become what you need. I have friends with kids and stays with the baby daddy because they want their kids to have a dad however it isn’t a valuable dad let alone partner
Great video! I was trapped in this cycle last year and luckily felt the waste of my two months was more painful than losing "that someone". The content you've presented here is what I wish I have seen when going thru it, though 😐
On a side note, an album that made me heal myself big time was Alanis Morissette's "Under Rug Swept". Basically a lot of relationship matters covered in each track (narcissism, limerence, attachment styles, love being a choice etc). I can't recommend it enough and would LOVE to see Matthew interview her anytime. So much to learn from her work. One can only dream 😇
exactly, our time is the most important!
You just described a 7 year relationship I had. I finally woke up when I asked him if we were ever going to get married and he threw a tantrum. 38 year old man tantrum. I really needed Cher to smack me across the head early on to "snap out of it". And I did exactly what you described because I was desperate, tired of being single and had absolutely no self respect or sense of myself. Please don't make the same mistake I made.
A couple of years later he came back to me saying "I'm just realizing now that what we had was special. " Yea....its special NOW because I graduated with a CS degree and make a lot more money than you do. LOL...I just smiled and said "Awwww......thanks. " I still remember the look on his face when he realized he could not manipulate me anymore.
NEVER settle for less and know your self worth. And if you feel desperate take that as a sign that you need to work on loving yourself first and foremost.
Brilliant move 🎉 good for you! 🙌🏼
Tnx for sharing..amazing work, bless you!👌🏽🤲🏼
I'm in this situation....I'm putting too much effort ...and I'm anxious ......it's hell...after this video I went and asked this...and got the answer I expected and we broke up.
Hope you are doing ok. Even breakups that are the right way to go can be painful. Wishing you strength and healing.
Brilliant, clear,kind …thank you for helping me understand the dynamics.
Matthew what you say is exactly the scenario what I went through! I stayed for years for a situationship. “I felt rewarded by shutting my mouth up, and decided to not mention where this is going/what are we for the next few months. And I started giving more afraid that he turned cold to me.”
Sometimes, when I retro back, I felt so guilty that I let myself in this situation for so long and my mental health became so fragile
Hi just read your comment. Your health, mental health or physical health is so important. Take care of YOU then everything else will fall into place. ❤
@@hadi20233 thank you for your kind words! This is 100% true
You’ve just described narcissistic abuse. It only gets worse. I will never again be in a room or a situation in which I absolutely do not belong.
I loved the phrase situationship too! Don't feel guilty. Life is about mistakes. What is important is to be and breathe in the moment.
Thank you! Makes so much sense!
Appreciate your work! So useful! 🙏🏽
This is absolute gold Mathew! You sum it up perfectly!!
I was 8 years in B4 I removed myself from it all finally!
Thanks Matthew! You're my hero!
Perfect video with perfect explanation 🎉👏 Thank you so much Matthew! 🙏🙏🤗🥰🌞
This message was 100% for me today! Timing is everything 🙌🏼 thank you Matthew Hussey you are a blessing ❤
I have learnt so much from you . Each and every video content is pure gold. Thank you
Such a great video!! Thanks so much!❤
Your videos have helped me so much. Thank you for doing what you do. ♥
I can't stopping loving the advice you give about our love life
Am ever learning when ever I see your video
No way in hell I’d ever be ahead of the guy, nor have I ever done that! Hate it when my girlfriends always do that, it’s really pretty pathetic, especially when they keep getting dumped. Then they’d come crying to me about how they’re always ahead of the guy in wanting more. Just don’t understand why anyone would do that. It’s extremely important to protect your heart, emotional energy, and precious time and not freely give and give to a guy when he isn’t even matching your efforts. The worst thing about it is that you end up wasting all your time and squandering all the opportunities you could have had with all the other great potentials that are out there for you.
I have no idea what you mean by "ahead of the guy." Sorry, I don't want to be rude, but that phrase doesn't make any sense!
This was great, thank you
Amazing video!!! Such wise observations!!!
You are of a rare breed. ☺️ If only some men are this kind of aware, generally aware of things.
Cheers, Matt! 🥂
There are many of these great men that are aware of these things...it's just that they have been put them in the friend zone and people choose poorly with toxic chemistry first over good character and values.
Omg your videos are helping me so much.
I am so grateful that Matthew decided to share his emotional intelligence to the public 10 years ago! Imagine how emotionally intelligent Matthews and Audrey’s children would be in the future ❤️ esp cause Audrey’s so great too
think of all the idiotic psychologists the last 35 years giving out bad advice. the worst example is dr phil. just a creep full of harsh criticism but no insight into human nature.
My time is the irremplacable thing Not the Person. Brilliant Thank you Mat!!!🎉❤😊
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I know that’s right‼️👏🏾👏🏾Great advice Matthew ✨
You’re absolutely rightttttt 👏🏼
Another amazing video/ lesson🌹 Thanks, Mathew!
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This could NOT be better timing :) Thank YOU
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As usual very well said
Excellent video.
I think u spoke very wisely. Excellent advice. Focus on ur wasted time and not the person. That's wat I exactly do. I am glad I am on right path
Awesome advice ✌️❤️
Love the Movado 😍
Thanks love you so much for your
Wow everything you explained is what happened. I wasted almost a year!! Definitely going to remember this video
There are so many wonderful people out there. Why wasting your time with looking for "the one" when you could have so much wonderful times with different people.
Best dating video ever ❤❤❤❤
This is so true!!
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Please keep speaking to this. It's truly an issue!
Thanks 🎉 love you
This was so important to finally be said. Yes Yes Yes!!!
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Hahaha "why would they let me go? For THIS MUCH reward" 😂😂😂 so good
If you don't know where it's going after 4 months...it's probably going NOWHERE!
wow. This video goes in my list of "info to keep".
WOW I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THIS!! PROTECT MATT AT ALL COSTS!!! HE ALWAYS DROPS GEMS!!!💎💎💎
Matthew, I love you.. thinking of prescribing for the first time…
The only way to find out is to find out.
Simply said
In my case I found myself waiting around for the other person to decide what they wanted all while knowing and expressing what I wanted. It was a weird dating situation though since we already acted like a couple, were exclusive in our dating, stayed over each others places, cooked together etc. so having them not know "what they wanted" was even more hurtful.
I let this person waste 6 months of my own time by being too patient, giving 100%, and assuming they would feel the same way as me "eventually".
If I could give any advice, it would be that yes it's scary to let something familiar go, especially if it's what you want, but you are not someone's option. You are worthy of being someone's yes, not someone's maybe.
The part where you talk about having your time wasted really resonates with me because that's exactly how it felt for me. When I really think about it, as much as it hurt losing the person, it hurt more knowing I lost all of that time spending it with the wrong person. And in a way, even though it hurts and we all naturally question "what if I waited longer" I'm really glad I ended it after 6 months instead of letting the person waste any more of my time.
Sending love to anyone going through the unspoken heartache that comes along with choosing yourself in these situations 🤍
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brilliant work! 🔥💎💪🏽👌🏼💣💥
THIS IS THE BEST VIDEO I HAVE SEEN THIS! I WANT TO GIVE YOU A GIFT.... HOW CAN I DO THAT! Damn... This is a loaded video
So helpful for my next relationship. My ex was this withdrawal idiot and I stayed 2 years. This video helps me analize to the tiniest detail and do it differently with confidence NEXT TIME.
5:35 5:36 5:37 5:38 5:39 l
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Where was this video a year ago?! Perfectly describes my last relationship
That is very easy for me to do
Love you Matthew ❤
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Well this def isn’t me! Lol. I’m pretty straightforward regarding my intentions and very directly ask the other person when there’s any doubt.
How do you frame it??
Hey Matthew, thank you for the 2 -hour session I’ve just watched. As much as I think some of the points you’ve made are really interesting and useful, I can not help but write: I know that you mostly speak to women, but how about organising a training for men? For them to know how to behave, and treat women in a respectful way, and for them to get to know how to see worth in women that they might be dating right now.
I know that women may take part in how-to-get a guy- sessions for anyone else but themselves. However, I do feel like some of the insecurities and going in a wrong direction in dating, are in a way caused by a wrong behaviour of men. Wrong dating or dating wrongly behaving men does have an impact on how women are actually reciprocating, doesn’t it? What do you think? Sending my best, Ewelina
i so support this request !!
So many men go the wrong way and they really should learn how to be good men.
I doubt that the men who want to get away with giving so little would want to sign up for, let alone seek out, a course on how to treat women better. Then they would have to make the effort to level up.
@@jennesimser I do see your point, absolutely. I think that men's ego can be ridiculously big..but, the fact itself that someone would summon them to at least think of some responsibility, would make their behaviour more transparent if you will. I just think it might be an issue to bring up. We are equal after all.
All you have to do is be ill/not feel well with them, and see how well they treat you, or help you feel better.
See how much they do activities/share topics important to you. See if they crossed any boundaries you have for others that they crossed because you allowed them to be ‘special’ (exception to your rules).
What do they do for you besides want you for companionable side kick/ adoring fan?
Nobody else that special!!!
Thanks 🎉 love you so much love you so 🎉
Huge mind shift to put the emphasis on, not wanting to lose time rather than the person…🤯
I wish I'd ended my current relationship years ago... now just waiting for the lease to end so I can move on. I'm so starved for affection, intimacy, and romance.
I hope you can get relief very soon ❤
Anyone tells you they don't want relationship, RUN AWAY ASAP, devalue follows and no further caring. Ignore message at own risk, and use up precious time. When you don't feel well, they don't care.
Matt, can you please talk more about dating apps, I’m the beginning of dating I feel like even if they tell you they like you etc they need to go out with other women. Why is it not like the classical way like trying with one women for some weeks months etc and if it doesn’t work ofc try with someone else! I need more explanation and I’d love your opinion. I remember you said in one video that it’s sad about people that don’t commit that are missing that part of love; I thought about it and it’s sad.
For 4 years I’d been driving to my ex’s house with a little overnight bag and clothes for work the next day - one day I asked The Question because even though we were ‘together’, he lived in his house and I lived 10 miles away in mine and I got sick of wondering. Two weeks later when my father died, my ex abandoned me. I guess I got my answer! Don’t waste your life like I did - if you are still wondering after a year, ask The Question and if still in doubt, move on.
Love 🎉
Gosh, all these dynamics sound so familiar to me.
That 4-month question is legit ME right now 😩🙄🙆🏻♀️
Hey how's it going?? Did you have the conversation??
Whew I'm having this conversation tonight
I would ask the question to not waste my time. 🤣
Love
Truthhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh omg
Hey Matt!! omg this happens in long term relationships!!! Shit buggery!!
I'm going to have a final conversation very soon❤
Hello there. I have met a girl about 2 months ago.. it was going really well.. the last month we both felt that we are kind of in a relationship but we didnt really talked about it. a week ago we dicided to talk about what we are both tinking and are now in a relationship. Im really happy and its going well!.. But next week she is making a solo trip for about two to three weeks. Although I know we are in a relationship and both of us are happy, but I know I will miss her a lot and that makes me think a lot.. and as we dont know each other for a long time, its still all kind of new.. Do you guys have any advice for me how to handle this.. I only want the best for her and Im really happy that she does what she wanted to do for a long time, but I know it is going to be really hard for me... Im sure she is also thinking the same, but she is the one on holiday and I am back home.. thank you
I only asked if we were gf/ bf after a lot of dates bc he was wanting to buy me a $ necklace from a jewelry store lol. Turns out it was what he wanted to give me to officially ask me to be his gf lol
As an average dude, these videos and the people commenting are strange. Where the hell are all these girls in real life? 90% of guys get no matches on dating sites, no phone numbers in real life, and have to actively stop themselves from pushing things too fast. Assuming the guy you’re seeing isn’t some super stud, the average guy would LOVE to have a girl he’s into bring up the “what are we” discussion early if he’s into you. Literally guys are taught on the men’s self help channels that under no circumstances are we allowed to bring stuff like that up. Ladies, if you are really into a guy, DO NOT BE AFRAID TO TELL HIM. I don’t speak for all guys, but every one of my single guy friends knows by the end of date TWO if he’d want to be in a relationship with you. If you get turned down it’s not because you moved too quick, it’s because he wasn’t truly interested.
Really? Date TWO? How do they know?
@@grannyronna because, for the vast majority of guys they don’t have options. Dating is different for guys than girls. Guys don’t get to sort through 25 different candidates and pick the best one. They find one, and assuming the connection is there, they’re plenty happy to take her off the market so he doesn’t have to compete with the 50 other guys trying to get with her. If it’s past date two and he tells you he doesn’t want to commit, he already knows he doesn’t see you as more than a fun time.
@@joeyluckow2490 Thanks Joey. The women I know all talk about how few guys there are. Sounds like it is tough all around.
I sincerely appreciate you taking the time to help me understand a new to me point of view.
@@grannyronna Happy to help! I think in a lot of girls cases, the “problem” is that because girls generally have so many guys reaching out to them, they are naturally going to only respond to the best ones. Which is reasonable, but the issue is ALL the girls want that guy. So that guy has a lot of options and thus doesn’t ever settle down. And therefore girls have the illusion that “all guys suck” when in reality it’s just because they are all picking the same ones. If he seems super exciting and charismatic to you, chances are he feels that way to a LOT of girls. If you’re a girl, go against your instinct a bit. Talk to the guys who on paper are a good match, but maybe don’t understand that 10 mirror selfies isn’t the best way to go. Keep talking to the ones that seem overly excited you’re giving them attention, which kind of turns you off. Plenty of good guys out there, just have to learn how to filter.
Wow
No one talks about this=> Every single guy i know , openly says they grew up thinking a relationship was having a woman "stand by their side" and openly acknowledge they never thought of relationships as an "equal" proposition, never had it modeled and never thought of equal earning, equal housework, equal child rearing, equal sexual pleasuring contributon, equal tolerance of shortcomings, flabbiness and lack of grooming and medical problems, et cetera.
I ask everything right away to eliminate . Maybe I’m eliminating too much though 😂
If after a few months of dating this same person and they dip when you bring up “where is this going?” Good fukn riddance.. thank you for telling me that my time with you was all for nothing and will continue being nothing if I continue trying so fine whatever leave if I’m looking for someone who wants a committed relationship I gotta stop waisting my time with people who aren’t serious enough
can you put in more just one time? or does that mean never put in more?
I am terrified of losing my time😢
Men are terrified of losing their time, money, livelihood, and freedom.
If you are the peaceful safe harbor in the hurricane that is a man's life, you'll never have to question where you stand with him.
👌
8 years together and i don't know what to do. He says he needs time to build up his career and that his situation is hard and he needs my support. I'm NUMB. last week he threatened me with a breakup because i ended up overthinking which he says isn't good for his career rn. Came back said sorry and said "I need your support". But we don't talk because he is busy. I don't understand where its going. Lately his mother fell ill and its been 4days we've not spoken on a call. Its just 2-3mins of texting.
Sounds like gaslighting. You are not getting what you need. He should be working with you not against you.
Dump him, he’s wasting your time. He’s not talking to you, he’s just keeping you around for something he wants from you.
But what if they have a child? Should I wait? or should I still ask?... at this point, where I'm currently at, I'm considering closing the door for good. He does not really have the time because he works, has a child (whom I have nothing against; nor the fact that he has a child), but I want more. I want a relationship with him. But I'm afraid to ask.
How do people balance wanting to check if they are physically compatible with not wanting to get too close too soon? And if you've spent 3 months getting to know someone and you really like them but they just don't do it for you in the bedroom, how do you let them go when there are so few potential partners for you out there?
If you love someone you guys make it Physically compatible. Long term relationships work when you both put in effort and try to make each other happy plus s3x shouldn't be everything, they should be your best friend, their should be intimacy 🥰.
And in the beginning of you want to see if it might work physically, Maybe try some intimacy, hugs, light touches now and then and if she's comfortable with it and what she likes.
Talk and get to know her treat her like a human/ your best friend and don't put her on a pedestal where she can't live up to. ( But put your boundaries, wants, needs on the table as well so no lines are crossed only makes sense)
Mathew is there any possibility to have a private one to one dating advice with you? If yes then how?!
I’m 8yrs into a relationship and still in the same spot … unaware of what’s happening, where is my life heading
Dear, I hope you'll find a way out. ❤
Get rid of him... please don't lose your time anymore. You will regret. This will go nowhere...
you've given him the best years of your life
you have NO IDEA if he will commit to you
you'll never get those years back
never as in... NEVER!!
wow
I can't imagine what that feeling must be like....
Get some standards!
Smart not
When you make a request, and they say :want ‘simple’, not complicated relationship”.Proceed to Pass this red flag, and ‘know’ them better/ expect more in any way/ they not want, next red flag: not interested in a relationship. Devalued at this point, no more care or interest on their part - RUN AWAY - NO CONTACT
😂 completely. He’s like all washing women into fitting the men’s world and psychic. That’s something I genuinely found missing in his approach hence losing the credits