How do I fix believing I need to ‘earn’ love?
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- Опубліковано 22 сер 2024
- Heather L writes, “Hi Susan! I am gaining so much value and clarity from your content. It’s helping me improve my relationships with other people, and helping me improve my self-esteem. In one of your videos, you discuss a client that had an inner dialogue of "If I am really, really good... maybe you will like me back." I find myself falling into this pattern. How can I tip the teeter-totter, as you discuss? Thanks!”
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As seen on OPRAH, bestselling author/relationship expert Susan Winter (Allowing Magnificence and Older Women/Younger Men) writes, speaks and coaches on evolutionary forms of loving partnership and higher thinking. Media credits include: THE OPRAH SHOW, THE TODAY SHOW, GOOD MORNING AMERICA, ABC/CBS/NBC EVENING NEWS, CNN, BBC, COSMO, HARPERS BAZAAR, PEOPLE, FORTUNE, BUSINESS INSIDER, NEW YORK MAGAZINE, THE LONDON TIMES, and THE NEW YORK TIMES. In radio, Susan is a frequent guest on NPR, ABC, PLAYBOY RADIO (Sirius), and CBS NEWS RADIO. Her articles can be found on THE HUFFINGTON POST, and THE GOOD MEN PROJECT. www.susanwinter.net
This is soooo on-point. I was that woman who “auditioned for the job” and thought that if I made myself indispensable by doing so many things for my partner, then he would see my value. Huge mistake. I’m still picking up the pieces of what’s left of me.
There's an old saying.
"If you seek acceptance,you will become invisible.
So true. Just sayin....
Smart.
fortune favours brave..brave to be yourself
I love how positive this beautiful lady is ♥️
I concur
Excellent video. I really needed it. I’ve been that girl to someone and I just never felt happy or pleased. I always gave but never got anything in return. I felt that I should do more for him thinking that he will see me as the woman he wants but that never did me any good. All it left me with is despair and self-doubt. This video came at the right time. Thank you so much, Susan! I love your videos and content.
Sooo glad you like this video, Hatsumi. Thanks!!
I have experienced that too
Exact same experience. It left me picking up the pieces of what’s left of me.
So true. You don't have to earn it with people that think you're worth it
And if nobody does well you could be an asshole
How did they think you're worth it? You earned it.
We love Nika!
Ahhh, thank you. Woof!
Thank you thank you thank you!!!!! You just said what I would not understand no matter how often my friends tried to tell me. This is it! We cannot earn Love, and no matter how much we give, there is no way to make them love us, they will use us cause we are the giver.
This is describing my whole drama, I save I rescue I give, and take on his responsibilities...and it never ever leads to him treating me with more love or even respect.
Good to know this setup is doomed to fail, it is no personal fault on any side.
Susan you are just great.
Greetings from Bolivia!
Susan, I don't know what your credentials are but I want you to know that your advice is solid. I believed that "if they need me they will never leave me." And yes, that mentality turned into usury. Dear, you are spot on. (BTW, I liked your BPD videos, they helped me a lot.) Between you, my therapist, intensive reading and Yoga, I am recovering and liking who I am. Much love, Namaste.
What a great message. Thank you Zaum! Happy for you. Keep up the great work.
Thank you for this video. This actually occurred to me today. That there is absolutely NOTHING I can ever do to earn someone’s love. Love is a gift and can be taken away any second. It’s never something we deserve nor are entitled to. Just appreciate the love you get and when it’s gone, let it go. We can’t make anyone love us. Even the very “best” of us aren’t deserving of it.
Brilliant video, and Nika was an adorable addition. Can’t wait to see the ‘why did you pick someone who was so difficult?’ video, Susan! I’ve realised that, age 40, if all my boyfriends have been disappointments then the basic common denominator is me. Not them. I really want to change who I gravitate towards. Pretty much guaranteed - if I find myself liking someone, I reckon I should run away as they are guaranteed to be complicated and cause confusion and disappointment in my life.......
Hi R. Just wrote down your entire commentary. Great topic! I'll shoot it next week.
Susan Winter - bless you. I shall wait as patiently as possible for your video. I really appreciate your kindness and wisdom. And look forward to next week. Many thanks 🙏🏻
Hi dear susan, i have the same eager wanting to find out what you have to say on this topic ! i feel pretty much the same as R Baker ! God bless you xx
Same with me
R Baker I echo your sentiments, it all seems so magical and then they are difficult and conditional or unavailable missing the piece of the puzzle that’s needed to sustain something long term. I choose people who are not wired to want long term but say they do.
Susan, my experience in life bears out your words. It's really hard to leave somebody that in your in love with. But having to proof yourself is empty.
The words you finished the video left me in tears. Heartwarming, needed to hear those words today. The reminder not to throw myself at somebody and if it's too difficult I will never be getting, but always stay a giver. They more likely didn't wanted my love, just found it convenient and rejection doesn't mean my personality is defected.
That makes a lot of sense. Thank you for this. I do get caught up in this loop and the lights just went on. It's hard to understand though to me how some people can so easily attract and others will end up bending over backwards and still dismissed for the one that didn't really do anything. The older I get in some ways, the more everything makes sense yet the more complicated attraction actually is.
Susan, you're a beautiful person inside-out. You're so charming and sincere.
Not only is it not authentic to be the nice girl, it's absolutely boring. To you and him.
Wow. Loving this practical advice. I've been on a roller coaster ride of emotions lately and this video made me realize certain things. Thank you Susan.
I watched this again after I watched last time. This video is just awesome !!! I love you dear Susan, you are the best mentor i could ever ask for !!!! Love every single thing u said here!!! God bless you !!!
Susan - loved this video and I love your approach to these issues. I'd love for you to do follow up videos on WHY we choose this kind of a partner to try to love us. Thanks - and dog is so cute!
Thanks Judy!
She is a GEM.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom. And Nikka is so cute
Hi katka. Thank you!!
Thank you so much. You have no idea how much I needed this.
Brilliant! I have been that person, does it stem from childhood? Conditional love ❤️ - think again! I won’t do that again I saw this and felt so much sadness. It’s spot on. Please discuss the why’s and what’s within us that makes this happen. I see a pattern. I see you have got it figured out! Thank you Susan, you have so much insight.
I have had my prototype so I know the universe is working on it !
Females don't understand this a lot better than men do but when we bring men into the conversation more about this the world starts to heal
Hello Susan, another great video by the way...
Being in love and love someone its like a flow exchange. Most of all than gives somebody else whatever, we must give us what we need, that's the first and most important step of the escalade. Be in the center of your life, have your emotions, mind and body in a good shape it's a wise choice to find the right match for us.
When we find "the one", because "the one" is out there for everybody, everything is simple. Everything flow. You don't have to work harder, because when it's hard, it's not worthy.
Now I would love to suggest one topic for one video...
If we are in a relationship, or we are dating someone and we love being with them... when it's the right time to tell our date or our partner we can't have kids? To have them in a normal way cause we had in the past healthy problems that let us infertile. It's a personal thing and as we know many women and even men are left by their partners when they know they can have kids. In our days and with how things are we never really know when its the time to have deep conversation and talk about our intimate things. Mostly when they are hard to talk about...
Best regards :)
Alexandra
Hi Alexandra. Thank you for your wise words! I appreciate your commentary. And I'll send your video suggestion along to my team.
You are very welcome Susan :) Your videos are really special... and well the topic I suggest is very close to my heart, and I don't see out there anyone talking about it :)
Hug :)
I second this request!
Thank you so much for these videos! They are helping me so much. ❤️
Happy to read this.
This is so true. My father (and mother) never wanted me, and are not capable of loving anyone. I could never earn his love no matter how much I tried. And now he's trying to get me married and pressuring me and I felt like I had to prove I could do it to please him. Now I realize that I was trying to impress and earn love from the wrong person. He will never love me and is not capable of loving me. I must get out of his trap and illusion of thinking that I can ever chase and get that carrot on the stick that he is dangling before me. It's just a trap and he is not worth it.
Yep im guilty of feeling this way. Not now. Your dog is a little tinker ha but cute 😊
What timing! Earlier today, I was having a conversation with the guy I'm in love with, but who doesn't reciprocate. Our conversation was about love, romance, and how they're defined in unrealistic ways. He doesn't believe in romance and love. I know he's had bad experiences in the past (divorce at a young age, 2 "failed" engagements, numerous long-term relationships), which may explain why he has such cynical opinions.
What struck me, though, is his search for the "perfect" woman, and I noted to him that his expectations are unrealistic. He took my words well and admitted I was right. In the meantime, I found myself wondering (for the millionth time) how I can improve myself and get him to love me. I had just spent a year trying to improve myself in ways and get him to like me in the process. I realize how sad and lame this sounds.
I know you're quite right in this video - that if a person doesn't see me now on his radar, he surely won't change his mind & isn't deserving of me in the first place. I can't help but think, at the same time, that I can use my feelings for him to motivate myself towards self-optimization until I appreciate this self-optimization to continue at it for my own sake. I know I did this when I joined a gym and worked hard for the first few months, and eventually loved it that I no longer do it for him, but now do it entirely for myself.
I fully understand how this may be unhealthy. It's just that I've been struggling with motivation in light of my depression, and have found that some external motivation helps.
Your thoughts on this?
wanna hear the update on this
@@blowball17 I had almost forgotten that I wrote this! He and I are still friends. He knows about my feelings and although he doesn't reciprocate, he is fully supportive. Whatever self-improvement journey I'm in - I'm in it solely for me. I'm in a better place now, emotionally speaking. I still love him, but I also love myself (in a healthy way, that is). I don't make an effort for him to love me. I've noticed that the more confident I am in myself, the more attentive he is. But I have no expectations whatsoever.
@@rubaa.3297 I'm glad for you :) thanks for comment
Brilliant Susan!! So eye opening thank you 💓
I'd like to comment that there is a new 'twist' to this today, mostly in the Western culture: the whole idea that as a single, I should not long for a relationship or a spouse, before I have perfected myself to a t.. The common advice to us singles tends to be, 'Don't look for a spouse, focus on yourself, get a career/NGO/Nobel peace prize, and only then are you ready to have a spouse..' What if the very means to reach those things - to help others, to grow as a human being, to achieve meaningful things - would be a loving, supportive spouse? (and of course the support needs to be mutual, not one-sided.)
In some other cultures where I have lived, marrying and a loving spouse were seen as normal and desirable, and I did not have to 'justify' myself. In the West, the partyline seems to be 'Do all the others stuff first'.. as if I need to prove my worthiness first. Well, I have traveled the world, speak several languages and have a wide field of interests. None of those things can take away my desire for a loving husband..! (and on the flip side.. I know people who have done none of those things and still were able to marry young...)
Such a fabulous video Susan. TRUTH right here.
We love you💖You are so awesome Susan👍👌
Giving has to go both ways and most people don't learn how to do that so A lot of times it becomes the one-sided battle to give more and to give less and some people get it seen that and some are not but the real truth in that matter is that we all run into problems and so some people get suspected when they don't deserve to be suspected and others become corrupt while others don't suspect when they should be and others just don't see the rabbit hole
Tank you Susan again it is so helpful. And by the way you should apply all that truth to your relationship with your dog. She is manipulating you!!!! Ha ha ha ha ha!!!! I love you Susan.
Remember your worth ladies and gents!😘😘
wow wow wow. what a blessing this video is. very well articulated. thx Susan.
Hi Susan, your videos have really helped me with my anxiety and navigating through my new relationship in a healthier way than I may have in the past. My question is, in a relationship where a precedent of open sexual discussion hasn't been set, how do two already shy people start the discussion of sexual desires that are, so far, not being met? Thank you, and keep up the great content!
that's right not for sex; no for money; no for titles, not for beauty....only for the soul of the person one can live and die happily
Thank you so much. This was very eye opening & helpful. Your dog nikka is so cute I dont mind her at all in your videos 😊
Glad you like this, 3 lovely blessings
OMG--another epiphany! And another recurring pattern. "Maybe, maybe, maybe!"
Giving away our power is so seductive.
Wow really accurate
I love you.
thanks!! And my little dog too?
Susan Winter 😂😂😂😂
very important video ...i needed it
thanks 🙏
Excellent advice from a lovely lady. Thank you Susan!
Great video !!! 💎💎💎 Can you please make a video of how to be more femenine ? Thanks
Brilliant!!Thank you so much, Susan for your insight and for posting this video! I just had my "Aha" moment...
Your never wrong 😌☺️
We love Micah
Amazing content Susan. Thank you so much! I really enjoyed listening to this video
Hello Susan!! Love your videos and your precious dog 🐶 Nikka! My question.....did you ever do a video on Twin Flame 🔥/Soulmate relationships? I thought a while back you did and was searching for one. If not, would you consider looking into doing such a video as our relationships are rather complex. Just wondering as I’d love to hear if you believe these relationships do exit as I am a Twin Flame 🔥. It’s a rather bizarre kind of love. Thank you sweet lady and God Bless! 🔥NAMASTE🔥
I really should do a twin flame video. I barely survived my twin flame. Whew. It was intense. Thanks for the suggestion.
Susan Winter BELIEVE ME.....I hear you!! 😘
Your Pomeranian, Nico is lovely.
I want to be Susan Winter when I grow up....
Yeassssss hunny!Same here🙋🏽♀️
Great video! Thank you :) I was wondering if you could answer my question: I’ve been with my partner for almost 4 years and he still hasn’t proposed and it doesn’t seem like it’s gonna happen any time soon. Should I wait or leave and look for someone who’s ready for a committed relationship? Thanks in advance!
Mhh Need me, not love me. Very good.
Right on the spot, as always!
I'm Fabulous & Awesome just like my Pomeranian, Foxy.
What a beautiful top
Very nice presentation I love you and your cute comrade
Thanks!
Nice madam
I'm not so sure doesn't want to love you but possibly incapable of loving anyone
I'm just at the beginning of this but I do need to disagree a bit. This can happen for me with people who are healthy and like me...friendships etc. I was raised by a Borderline mother and unfortunately earning love is an issue for me even when people value me.
Hi Susan, I'm 24 and dating a guy 13 years my senior, how do i bridge the age gap without feeling like I'm not being myself? please please please do a video on this.
Keep Nika.
I don’t care if someone like me or not
this describes me to a t ....
Good to know my family and everyone else never loved me. Lol oh well
Hey Susan,I been here for five to six months now, I'm 36 looking for a good relationship but I can't fine someone to love, I need a older women around 55 down OK ,I need ur help, I'm a broke heart Man.
Mika ❤️
Susan I think your little pooch needs you on a needy basis. Good job it's mutual eh 😄