How To Win Back A Fearful Avoidant | Fearful Avoidant Attachment
Вставка
- Опубліковано 10 лип 2024
- 7-Day Free Trial: university.personaldevelopmen...
Principles & Tools for Reprogramming the Subconscious Mind Course:
university.personaldevelopmen...
Healthy Balance in Relationships: Ending Codependency & Enmeshment Course: university.personaldevelopmen...
How a Securely Attached Person Shows Up in Each of the 6 Stages of a Relationship Course: university.personaldevelopmen...
Healthy and Passionate Relationships after Emotional Pain Re-Programming the Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style Course: university.personaldevelopmen...
In this video I discuss strategies to repair a relationship with a Fearful Avoidant male or female!
---
Do you want to learn more about the Fearful Avoidant attachment style? Are you a Fearful Avoidant yourself? Check out our playlist here to find out - • Fearful Avoidant: Deac...
Never miss a life changing lesson from Thais Gibson and the Personal Development School by hitting the subscribe button here - / @thepersonaldevelopmen...
Join PDS for free with our 7-day free trial
university.personaldevelopmen...
Public Facebook group:
/ 461389461257253
If you want to listen in, check out Thais' podcast here:
pod.link/1478580185
Do you know what your Attachment Style is? Take my quiz to find out now, and begin healing your relationships! Click here: attachment.personaldevelopmen...
I’m Thais Gibson, welcome to my channel and thank you for stopping by!
This is a channel designed for you, to be used as a resource to create lasting transformation in your personal and professional life. Here you’ll receive an ongoing series of personal development and spiritual growth videos for you to expand your awareness and find resolution and deep understanding within.
Want to transform your life? If I did it, I know you can too!
---
#Relationships #Breakups #FearfulAvoidant #PersonalDevelopmentSchool #PDS #ThaisGibson #AttachmentStyles #Love #Dating #Romance
---
Please understand someone with an FA is almost impossible to be in a relationship with unless they heal themselves. Please stop being a doormat, work on your trauma bond and walk away from the toxic dynamic. I say this as an FA
Good points here. Don't get so caught up chasing one person that you lose sight of what a satisfying relationship looks like for you
This is true. I have been dumped by a FA who terminated on a whim(to me) and was super kind for a month or two saying we can be friends, breadcrumbing and I am in love and it just keeps dragging looking like she will come back one day then looking like she will never talk to me again another. I think it is best to move on from this type of relationship- but much easier said than done when you're in love.
@@gd3598same same
@@gd3598I had a FA do the same exact thing. Said we could be friends afterwards. Then wouldn’t even reply to my texts when I asked her to return something she borrowed from me when we were together lol. I even tried to send out a more friendlier text asking how she was doing and if she could at least leave my stuff on the porch so I could get it at a time she wasn’t home if she still needed space. Nothing. Like wow you can’t even be bothered to acknowledge let alone return my shit that doesn’t belong to you. What a fucking joke. People like that you can’t trust anything they say. Unfortunately their word means very little. I’m honestly questioning if the version of her in our relationship was even really who she was at this point. Extremely disrespectful I wouldn’t even want to be friends with her now let alone actually want her back as a romantic partner
Wow, such deep insight! Very recognizable. Especially the part about FA's not communicating their needs, assuming you should know what they're feeling instead and blowing up little faults as an excuse to end the relationship instead of talking about it and working it out. The need for novelty and deactivating strategies were also apparent in my ex. When she felt there was a problem in the relationship, she started texting and voice messaging other guys (old friends, some of them exes) every day. When I communicated that this behavior crossed my boundaries and was making me feel disrespected, she said that she wasn't cheating on me so if I had a problem with that, it was my problem and not hers. The next day she dumped me. Come to think of it... why do I want her back again?
I'm an FA as well, and I can totally relate to your ex. I get soooo annoyed when the guy gets jealous. It makes me wanna run for my life. Partly because I know I wouldn't cheat. And I also want to be sure that I won't have to change my lifestyle too much - at least not immediately. It also stems from the need to have a safety net. I wouldn't like the guy I'm seeing to think that I don't have other options. I don't want to feel trapped and be taken for granted. There you have it - all the reasons. FA's are no piece of cake... approach with caution.
@@valerial7550 Thanks for your take on it! I've been really trying to understand her actions, because I don't like to think she had bad intentions. But it didn't help that I knew she had cheated on most of her previous exes as a way to get out of those relationships... She told me she wouldn't do that to me, and I believed her, but to me, there's other ways to cheat than just physically. Her talking to those other guys and her exes, and trying to hide it or at least be very shady about it when I asked, made it seem suspicious and feel like a betrayal of our emotional bond. Like she was building a stronger bond with some of those guys than she appeared to be willing to build with me...
I realize this could be seen as jealousy and kind of offputting, but I feel like one should be able to respectfully and calmly express ones boundaries and concerns in a healthy relationship. Also, if she had been open about the whole thing and communicated her need for space directly, I wouldn't have worried about it so much. In the end, I probably did act a bit jealous or clingy, because I could feel her slipping away more and more... But instead of talking about it, she just broke up with me. Told me she felt suffocated and that we were just not right for each other...
As an FA yourself, do you think she would ever reconsider? As in, become open to talking about the situation, coming to a mutual understanding and maybe reviewing her decision? Or is an FA's word final? I went no contact immediately after the break-up (2 weeks ago), gave her the space she wanted. But I find myself missing her a lot and hoping we could still work it out. To me, nothing happened that couldn't be discussed and improved easily. But it takes two to make a relationship work...
@@PieterFret Not all FA's do what you mentioned your ex did to you. I'm a FA myself, If I feel unsafe, threaten or "suffocated" I will , yes, shut down and withdraw or end the relationship (I have learned to communicate my needs better but if after trying, I do not see changes and consistency then I will walk away). I do not start talking to other guys, etc.. if I'm still with someone, I'm very aware I wouldn't like that being done to me (I believe values and morals play a role in this too). what you described here, seems to be a pattern and one that she may not even be aware of and if she is, she may not know how or care enough to change. Your feelings are totally understandable and It seems like you did the right thing. Anyone in your situation would have felt disrespected and unsafe. Yes, she may reconsider but the question is, do you really want her back? Patterns are very hard to change - it takes consistent introspection, self-responsibility, humility, empathy and true self-motivation to change and it takes time and consistency. Consider how hard it is to work on and heal your own wounds and I'm thinking you have been very motivated to do so.
@@PieterFret Yes, she could possibly reconsider, but you need to stick to no contact, and if she initiates communication again, be friendly but let her start chasing you this time. Don't miss the moment if it comes. If you start deactivating when she activates, that will be the end of it.
The good part is that actually FA's really crave deep connection, we just don't know how to get there.
@@valerial7301 Thank you! So you don't think reaching out to her myself around the 3-4 week mark, as Thais suggests, would be very helpful? I just have a feeling she would have a hard time getting herself to contact me, even if she wanted to. But maybe that's just my anxious mind trying to get me to break no contact ;p
It seems nearly all FAs want a mind reader partner to cater to them. This is the most damaging thing about them. Voicing needs and wants in a direct way is too much of a task. And wanting compromise causes many to shut down. It’s really bizarre
Thanks for the video!
4:50 Start. Define your boundaries, what wasn't working for you. Convert it into a need , ex: what you need.
5:25 Tell what you need instead of mentioning what the other person is lacking. ID what wasn't working for you.
6:45 Be clear of what wasn't working for the FA. Effectively communicate what you need. step 2
7:18 The reason why the FA leave a relationship but don't feel like there's a balance of what they're giving vs what they're getting bc they can't communicate their needs. They feel unheard. They feel not trusting & they project that mistrust.
8:55 The need for novelty - the FA will leave for this reason. They use tiny flaws to push the person away. They may be afraid of losing their individuality or may be getting bored 11:00. Travel more with them or doing more fun activities, spend time with others. Get out more so they can't blame it on the relationship. Males tend do to this more. Disconnection occurs bc their needs are not met.
12:45 FA want to feel heard & cared for. If any of this is missing, they may disconnect.
13:50 After 3-4 weeks mark, share your part of observation. These were the needs that were unmet for both. Have practical tools or strategies to do the work. The FA will appreciate it.
15:42 Bring your needs to the relationship, define your boundaries, have a time limit (deadline) on how long you want to work on the relationship. If you see things not working out at your deadline, move on & take the lesson for the next relationship.
Thank you a lot for your work
Do you recommend reaching out to start this conversation at the 3-4 week mark or wait and see if the FA reaches out during that time?
@@sarahn6230IMO, and from my experience, if they were the dumper, wait.
This is kind of a nightmare... I feel sorry for fa people but be careful trying to go back... be concious of looking after yourself... this seems so hard... 🙏
I would add about the focus on small flaws thing - the “flaws” one might focus on isn’t necessarily physical traits. It might be something like “oh they have too many expectations… And I won’t be able to fulfill those expectations. That makes me vulnerable because then they might leave me …so I’d rather pull away and just be friends even if I have feelings for them.”
Meanwhile the expectations aren’t that much. In fact the FA is expecting the other to not have expectations in this scenario. That’s a big expectation!
Basically focusing on flaws is an excuse to distance… which is safe
How would you fix this then using her advice in video?
Thats exactly what I heard " I realized I am not able to fulfill your expectations" I was like WTF what expectations?
What would an FA want exactly to help them get over this fear? Or is there nothing we can do 😢
@@henryzhao4622 My ex left me after I said he needed to get help or we needed couples counseling because things weren't working out as they were. He said he's too maxed out with other serious life challenges to work on himself. Just 2 weeks prior, he said he was going to get help because he wanted to fight for us.
He expected me to change my life, behaviors, the way I spoke, etc so as not to trigger him, basically putting his unresolved traumas on my shoulders to carry. And my request for him to take some responsibility because the burden was too much, it was too big of an expectation. I believe he also took it as an ultimatum and that I was about to end it, so he beat me to it. I was ill prepared for his reaction. It's been over 5 weeks, and I haven't heard a peep from him.
To answer your question, I don't think there's anything we can do. I did everything I could so he wouldn't get triggered and it didn't work. He became ever more jealous, suspicious, triggered and controlling. Then when it exhausted me and my light dimmed, he wasn't happy with that either. He at least recognized it was due to him, but he lost attraction nevertheless, because of what I was doing and putting up with to try to make him feel safe and comfortable. He knew I was walking on eggshells, afraid to do or say something that would trigger him and turn into days of him having extreme jealousy and anxiety. Anyways, I believe the FA attachment style, more than any other insecure types, need to do some level of work and take some responsibility. Otherwise, we end up in a position where, no matter what we do or don't do, we simply cannot win.
My ex was an extreme FA. He swung extreme to and from avoidance to anxious. The fact that he loved me was all it took to scare the crap out of him and hit on all of his triggers, insecurities, wounds and unresolved traumas. The closer we got, the worse he got. He became enmeshed and emotionally reliant on me in his last anxious phase, which scared and stressed him out so bad, he cut and run to beat me at what he perceived as potential rejection. I'm also FA, leaning heavily anxious. He really trampled on my abandonment wound, so as much as I miss him and want him back, I won't reach out and wouldn't take him back if he reached out right now. Me also being FA has helped whenever he pulled back since it scared me and caused me to pull back also. I know I won't ever initiate contact, especially since he broke up with me. And I don't think he will, either, especially since he refused to work on himself and I stood firm in that being a requirement in order for us to continue.
I’ve been binge watching your videos today and finally after weeks I have so much clarity about what happened and the hope I was looking for!! Thank you! I feel how much you sincerely want to serve and I’m so grateful to have found you!!
Dr. Gibson, your videos keep getting better! Lots of respect for your growth as a content creator
This is your best video in terms of a practical how to, and the idea of a deadline is especially helpful because there isnt an unlimited timeline for things to change.
Dude… THANK YOU for this… I’ve gained so much understanding and insight about myself & others I care for…. Man…
This gives me hope for a possible future with my FA love. Thank you so much!
This is incredible. I'm going to your website because I need to become an actual paying member to help myself with this. Love from The Hague!
This is how you can tell that the Personal Development School is the way of a positive fulfilling way to live. Thais gives an introduction on how to follow a path and use tools to do something while being authentic. Most other videos just tell you how to "hack" or "cheat" the system. Then we wonder why we are stuck in ruts or why we are in a bad place... Well if you start the process off with negative intentions or having their self in mind then it won't work. What you put in you get out. So if you put in good in then you will get good out....
HOW DID YOU READ MY MIND! Exactly what I needed, at the exact time. Thank you so much.
we had a feeling! - PDS team
Would love to see a video about deactivating and self sabotage in the Fearful Avoidant. Also how they grieve failed relationships i.e. LTR’s and marriages
She has them in the course
Bestest teacher on youtube! ❤️
I love your disclaimer about 'win someone back' videos! People do use psycholgical insights to manipulate others and themselves. There can not be enough emphasis on this especially with so many relationship coaches out there who abuse psychological insights by teach to manipulate others and dismiss oneself to be appealing.
Could you go more indepth into the differences between male and female FAs? That would be great! I would love a series on gender roles and their effect on attachment styles!
I was pretty sure I was a DA until I began learning about FA. Granted I think I can relate to both in ways, but the imbalance in relationships and crossing of boundaries I didn't know I had has always been why I leave, and I realize in retrospect how little I was able to communicate to the person my needs. I'm thankful for therapy and the ability to process and heal my deeper traumas.
I
Thais has said that people don’t tell you their boundaries but will show you, my ex continually showed me she was not willing to do the work but wouldn’t tell me her boundaries. Accepting my reality and moving on.
for boundaries not being explicitly verbally specified, the medium used for showing makes for the message then. indeed, lots of www-pop psych. advice does figuratively resemble plumbing or other technical triage heuristics. by ppl. who'd be challenged to follow trough even a most logical resasonable argument.
Thank you so much Tais as Im giving this comment to thank you endlessly and you brought for me unknown info hope you see this comment.
You help me so so so much. Thank you.
Thank You very much ... You are amazing. ... But still I think the best way is to work on ourselfs, to heal ourself and than not struggle with these kinds of challanges so much. :-)
This reminds me of Robert Greene’s 48 Laws Of Power. Certainly an evil book if used with evil intent. But if you use it to open your eyes to power dynamics in your life, your relationships or workplace, it can help you navigate those dynamics and defend yourself against people who instinctively know who to do it.
This information here can certainly be used as a manipulation tool in the hands of someone with less than scrupulous intentions, but it can also be used to help you navigate the storms of interpersonal relationships. I read a lot of high-horse, ivory tower stone throwing comments about “just get the hell out while you can” coming from people who may or may not be paragons of relational stability themselves. Fact is, the more you learn about any of this stuff, the more you have tools at your disposal to deal with the people in your life, for better or worse.
This was so useful. As an FA trying to work to become more secure I really valued hearing you 'lacks' or wounds a partner or friend might feel from an FA. I'd really appreciate hearing more of these; they give me a concrete idea of what to work on and how sabotaging behaviours are manifesting. It's a better perspective of how my reactions might make someone feel and how they might act.
how accurate is the 3-4 weeks mark for the feelings hitting you? what is that time like: uncontrolled sobbing or just missing them? provided the FA did the breaking up, what is a better course, waiting for them to make the move or contacting them?
@sadcowboycat1995 Also interested in hearing!
Secure here. Left an FA twice. First time because she was literally exhausting emotional chaos.
She chased me for months. I said no a dozen times and that I didn’t believe she had healed. She persisted and I gave in, very stupidly to give it another try.
She was great for about one month. Then the cycle returned worse than before.
Left the second time because I could see she’d never change. She was downright emotionally manipulative and the hardest person I’ve ever been in a relationship with.
Went no contact a few months later.
Events external to me have transpired that convince me more that she is a covert narcissist that thinks she’s an FA.
Yeah, that’s interesting. Saying she changed doesn’t sound very FA. When I figured out her self sabotaging issues and where many of the came from, she couldn’t bear to face them. And since I wanted a compromise she wouldn’t do that because knowing she was the problem would be too overwhelming
Thank you so much for these videos💜
You're so welcome - PDS team
As an FA, this would be the perfect way I would want to work something out with someone. I will keep these things in mind in the future. Thanks so much!
how accurate is the 3-4 weeks mark for the feelings hitting you? what is that time like: uncontrolled sobbing or just missing them? provided the FA did the breaking up, what is a better course, waiting for them to make the move or contacting them?
@@adamwood87 Well not everyone is the same some ppl might start initially missing them but then it not fully hit for another 4 weeks. You should reach out bc they might not due to not wanting to be rejected or if they do they'll still be confused emotionally. I think that was mentioned in another video the FA being less successful in trying to reconcile after a breakup do to not having emotionally regulated so not understanding what they want and need still but just reacting.
@@jclyntoledo i posted that a year ago, i was able to come to my senses about the correct course of action during that time.
@@adamwood87 What was your correct course of action for this? I'm trying to figure out how to reconcile with my FA, currently only under a week after a blindsided break up (he did it out of nowhere). I want things to work and I'm also working on myself, but I don't want to chase him away and I want to help him heal by showing him attachment theory when we decide to see each other again.
@@electranorwood4798 put simply, what i was talking about was accepting that she didn't/doesn't want to be with me, and even though it's painful, i can't change her mind. i can't make someone want to be with me.
if your ex comes back, that's the time to grow as a couple. in the meantime, you can only control what you do.
furthermore, i recognize that if someone has a good enough reason to come back to me, they never had a good enough reason to leave, and i don't want to be with someone who left me for no good reason.
take care of yourself, Electra.
EXCELLENT CONTENT! BLESSINGS
thanks for your comment - PDS team
Can you do more videos on the initial stages of dating and how attachment styles can play into that.
Thank you so much for this video. I'm in no contact with my fearful avoidant ex. Your videos have really helped me process everything between us
How's it going? Hope all is well
any update? how are you two
@Billy B yeah
STARTS 4:50
This is probably the best video on being a fearful avoidant on this channel. I feel VERY seen.
Thank you, and I wish you so much health and happiness! ^‿^ These Fearful Avoidant series videos have been astoundingly resonant for me with regard to an ex of mine... She and I have enough distance between us that I don't think we should try to rekindle anything, but this is at least helping me understand how and why things became the most mundane Lovecraftian nightmare imaginable toward the end.
I'm humbly amazed at how great a job you've done at distilling your personal experiences with Fearful Avoidant attachments into such cogent and enlightening nuggets of truth. Thank you again.
Is your ex addressing the insecure attachment at all, to your knowledge? Sounds like you have a good handle on the situation, hope you are doing well
@@rebeccav7420 "Is your ex addressing the insecure attachment at all, to your knowledge?"
She never, ever spoke of seeing a therapist, counselor, psychiatrist, or similar. I gently encouraged her toward it as we got to know eachother more and more deeply, and shared personal experiences throughout my childhood where it helped immensely to speak and work with somebody who knew how to help; she would respond positively to that, but only in a vague "That sounds cool! I'll look into it. :)" sort of way that I learned to associate with her never following through with things.
She has since cut ties from me. Over time she went from telling her mother that I "get her" better than any other guy she's met before, to her trying to act like we had never meant anything special to eachother. In the aftermath, I felt like I was on the receiving end of both sides of the song Somebody That I Used To Know -- from "you didn't have to cut me out / pretend it never happened / and that we were nothing" to "now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over / but had me believing it was something that I had done."
It got to the point where neither of us wanted to start a confrontation and yet only one of us wanted to work on it... So ultimately I said that I "lower-case l" loved her enough to let her go, and stopped trying to push the Sisyphean stone any further than that.
She strongly identifies with / hides behind the fact that she's a Scorpio, "and Scorpios are very secretive people," so she merrily used that as an excuse to disappear, lie by omission, put on new masks, and so on.
Now I just see that as her costume for fearful avoidant behavior. Three out of four of her serious relationships before me were with emotionally abusive guys, and even when speaking of her parents, she said "my parents can become quite toxic at times." So, she's got a lot of weeds to clear out of that back lot, so to speak.
Meanwhile, my relationships with friends and family are better than they've ever been, and I know that I'll be making my own Happily Ever After whether I'm with a partner or not.
I'll hush up now; I don't mean to gobble up your time, so I don't expect anything in response. Continued best wishes to you, though. I'm super thankful to have found your channel! ^‿^
Would you be able to do a video on the best attributes of each attachment style?
thank you 🥺❤️
Love your videos and considering your school. I do have a question tho. So much of the FA pattern and anxious seems to match my current relationship. We seem stuck in power struggle and the patterns seems to match what you describe. However, we both also deal with depression and so I am wondering if and how these attachments relate to the attachment pattern vs someone is has BPD and is struggling. Would you say these intertwine and trigger one another? Im trying to distinguish, am i dealing with an attachment pattern or with BPD...or both?
7:05 8:04 Main reason FA leaves
12:47
13:32
14:40
14:56
These videos are giving me life!! ❤🙌 Do you have a podcast?
There is a podcast it's just not super active at the moment. But you can find it by searching “The Personal Development School” on apple podcasts - PDS team
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool do you have any books too?
@@valscabrera7659 www.amazon.com/Attachment-Theory-Guide-Strengthening-Relationships/dp/1646115457/ref=sr_1_12?dchild=1&qid=1601828620&refinements=p_28%3AAttachment+Theory&s=books&sr=1-12
Did she answer you.
@@camillod734 yes it says above ❤
Thank you ☺️💟
I don’t recommend anyone dating one ! Take it as a learning lesson 😊
I am a woman, but I have more traits of a male FA 😢 always looking for flaws to 🏃🏽♀️, but I used to be DA, so it makes sense.
This was helpful
As an FA, how do you know when it's your attachment style causing the issue, versus you just not being compatible with the person?
I’ve always wanted to know this answer! Great question!
Agreed. Excellent question. I am an FA, and left a sexually compatible but emotionally unavailable DA. In that context I was more invested. Now I’m with an AA, he’s amazing but I feel a bit suffocated and I’m not quite as viscerally attracted to him. I am not sure if my avoidant tendencies are emerging due to attachment styles or if he is not right for me.
Don't take this the wrong way, but I think that as a FA, your attachment style is what makes you incompatible with most people. Unless you are very self aware and willing to communicate clearly, listen to your partner and actually work on the relationship instead of giving in to that feeling you have to run away when there's a problem. Otherwise, you won't ever stay with anyone, because there's no such thing as the perfect relationship. I think it's very important to look at your own history and recognize your patterns. Act from rational reflection, not from fear and emotion. Don't make decisions when you're feeling triggered. I think that could help.
Pieter Fret- I think you’re absolutely right. My AA and I (FA), just started Imago couple’s therapy and having a therapist point out and reflect back our core wounds to us, has been totally transformative in our relationship.
@@dr.dermixgirlmd7479 Well done! You're taking important steps towards healing your core wounds, and it's so important to be able to do that with the support and understanding of your partner. I just wish my FA ex would've been prepared to work together on our attachment difficulties (I'm AA) instead of just giving up and leaving...
Very interesting, it sounds a bit exhausting through... I will still try it out.
8 months down the line I still miss my FA ex, I’d love to have another chance. Bumped into her and managed to say good morning.
Who broke up? Whats your attachment style?
any update?
Ha ha and as a thoughtful and considerate , communicating and loving and committed man, I’ve washdishes, do laundry, change the oil and gas up her car, cook, clean and taken for granted .
Relationships aren’t hard. I scratch your back, you scratch mine.
Be thoughtful
Be loving
Be kind
Be loyal
Be patient
Be selfless
Be willing to grow
Be trustworthy
Great video!
I’m an fa and just watching these to learn about me 😂
Nice one
It’s weird bc I’m also FA but I never really looked into that part of myself so this is helpful for me too since I’m attracted to other FAs
I wanna get my ex back so bad. She's definitely FA & I'm more anxious. Since the break up there's been crazy clarity of how I unconsciously reacted to her for not giving me the love and affection I gave her. I understand there has to be more security in myself and confidence because depending on the relationship for happiness is not a no go. However, I can't help but feel that the opposite side of the spectrum also needs to learn how to grow from their side. I feel like both sides are insecure in their own way. I really do hope she can realize with this no contact how much we loved each other and comes back to me or at least reaches out. I'm not sure if female FA's reach out to their ex after they dumped them. I also think that our problems could be fixed easily if we both took a step down and tried to understand each other. However I feel like it'll be harder for a FA to understand. What do yall think?
What ended up happening?
Nothing. She aint hmu at all. I havent hit her up either
Sorry man. I'm talking to mine too close to when she ended it and I feel I am doing more harm than good to our relationship. She's so cold. Just says she wants to keep talking to "get to know me better." I don't know man. It's scary how they shut down. It's as if what you meant, you no longer mean. AT ALL. Better to do what you are doing I think. Because their tone toward you will break you as an anxious person. I too am anxious and this is awful
Trust me, this os far far far from simple to fix. FA's have the most core wounds, the most complicated characters, the least likely to want or recognise the need to change and have the most difficult journey to becoming secure. They can do it but it is probably the most difficult challenge of their life as to change themselves they must overcome their subconcious.
@@Fuji_Investments he needs to be transparent with the FA?...What about the FA?...Wheres their transparency?
Could you please discuss the FA’s need for novelty in a dedicated video?
Hello, around the 12 min mark you mentioned a video on Disconnection. Is that like in the description box? I’m not sure I found it yet. Thanks.
This happened to me. I’m an AA (or at least an AA currently lol. I took your quiz and I’m split AA and secure) my partner is a least a FA. 6.5 years we were together and I brought up that maybe we were having some issues and it triggered her to withdraw from things. I admit I did some things that she mentioned, we didn’t go on enough dates, things maybe got lazy between us. All very fixable things. But then she said she thought I wouldn’t care for her which was crazy to me! And some other things. She convinced herself of these issues and dwelled on them and I think it hurt her a lot even though some weren’t true. I can see it in her family dynamic why she is like this way. I wish I could send her these videos but I’ve already overstepped my communications boundaries. It’s been about 6 weeks so far. I’ve communicated everything that I can to address everything but it’s up to her now to decide to come back or not. I’m 4 days into no contact and watching these videos helps a lot and gives a lot of clarity because I would have been in the dark on all of this otherwise. Thank you.
Is it good to go no contact ? For fas ??
Did she ever come back?
@@tyleryoung306 nope never talked me again and it’s been a little over a year lol
I noticed his willingness not to communicate with me..and express to me how he was feeling about something..And although I kept expressing to him that hey all it takes is a little communication..He would say we'll this is all the communication that I'm able to give..Never gave the relationship a chance..walls were up & stayed up..
Yeah. There is no attempt to try. You accept what you are given. Same way it was for me. I'm sorry. It's painful. Probably the worst thing I've ever experienced. You love them, you try for them and they don't care because of their contradicting defense mechanisms. It's impossible.
@@jamesgraves9858 it's so frustrating, because all i would need is a little more communication and i could accept that she is FA.. but she can't and isn't willing to work on it, and i know you can't help someone if thry're not willing to help themselves.
thank you for this video! can you link the video you mentioned about FA females & disconnection?
I was about to write the same thing, thank you!
ua-cam.com/video/Ke3xnVtw8OI/v-deo.html
I am on anxiety part and more I think about it more I feel anxiety about wining him back or staying friends, feels like too much work and too much pain. It’s just two weeks passed, maybe I feel different after some time but now I feel I will better be alone. Maybe secure attached or more anxious people can handle that, not me
If you feel he’s worth it, don’t avoid it. Go for it, fight for him. You might just find yourself finding happiness
@@afonsolucas2219 really? Or piece of work, where you will always be the adult one
@Thais - can you give link that mentioned at 11.50 "disconnection with female, Emotional intimacy missing" - thanks
ua-cam.com/video/Ke3xnVtw8OI/v-deo.html
You have just described my thoughts and feelings pefecley ive just split with girlfriend who i adore for the third time in four months always me pushing her away deliberately causing her to dump me
Conflict avoidant
Hi Thais. Great video.
Does your advice also apply to someone who has asbergers or different types of mental disorder?
What should i do if she monkeybranched 2 weeks after she broke up? I wrote her a letter 3 weeks later where i said sorry for hurting her feelings (i worked too much and got burnout and depression so i didnt want make that much activities, and i focused to much on work spending less time with her)
How do you if they don't reply after 4 months...also of they cheated and won't admit anything? Have to.move on but hurts ongoing loving missing someone that much...to be abandoned
Do you offer private counselling? I couldn’t find an answer your website
hi, i really like this, In my situation i feel resistance to the advice though. My friend, (who may be a fearful avoidant) literally projects a negative fantasy onto very benign or neutral circumstances and then acts out in an abusive way towards me, he is also genuinely really very nice though and I like him a lot, and when he isnt doing this we have a great relationship. My issue is that, after several instances like this in one week, I broke off our friendship, I want to try again, but, I am not sure I can genuinely listen to perspective, because he is blaming, and has been verbally abusive, because of his emotional exposiveness about things that havent actually happened.i feel like i would be abandoning both myself and truth if i did that... any advice at all?
I feel this. They create you in their mind, they don't see the person you are as you stand beside them
i did communicate them using some of your example sentences to communicate my need (quality time, emotional connection) with specific detail on what he can do, as well as validate his situation, space and time (busy with work and struggling to balance life). but he ignored me. he push me away. i told him my deadline but he just shuts down. what should I do?
Is there any hope if they get in a rebound while I’m doing no contact and what should I do?
I wish I could talk to thais herself. Because I hear the videos and find a understanding but I still don't know how to apply it my life. Like expressing my need. I struggle so so much with expressing needs. How to express it. I would like help but idk where to go.
So what about in the situation where your ex has blocked you on social media but text messaging is still an option? But I also said I love her and am letting her go also? Would i stay no contact or initiate contact after the 4 weeks? Also she might be with another guy already but not sure I know she was hanging out with friends and a guy a week after we broke up.
any update on this? did they reach out? when you did you reach out?
Can someone please enlighten me on the novelty/boredom aspect of this?
I feel as if it is my fault, but the fearful avoidant woman I was involved with has wound up blocking me on the phone and social media. It was over two instances of how I had missed the cue to take the role of being assertive and “defend” her in small situations where she felt that people were coming across as either disrespecting her or intentionally taking space away from her. First instance was on a subway ride downtown, where a stranger was looking at her and she confronted him about it. She told him off while I told him that even though I also let my eyes wander when I am traveling, I do not look at others with contempt because I try to be respectful to everyone around me. I told him to just say “there is no problem, I am sorry.” And to just go about his day. Second instance was because of a target employee bumping into her as she was walking ahead of me and not apologizing for it. I did not say anything at the time because I’ve a tendency to dissociate when I feel anxious. She cut ties with me afterward and has revoked admin privileges to a mental health awareness group she had added me to, removed me from said group, and blocked my number afterward. A long story indeed.
Win yourself back instead! It like jumping through hoops for these avoidants and for what? They drain your soul and play the victim to the next person too. You deserve better!
In your description box, it says dismissive avoidant...you might want to change it
I'm an FA trying to mend things with another FA. I messed up. I ran with assumptions because i didnt know my needs, I was scared, triggered and just stopped engaging them. 😪 I need help.
Keep working @ it
Be straight about what you've done, apologize, express that you would have done differently had you thought beforehand.
What do you mean by novelty? What are some examples of this?
04:45
FA is literally not ready for a relationship … feel bless and don’t settle for less. SIMPLE
Question!!??!! If you are an AA and your dude is an FA, when you ask for words of affirmation or ask if "we are ok" doesn't that make them feel like you're being needy and then it just sets them off with a series of triggers that causes this insane cycle you're trying desperately to avoid.
I veered from being mostly secure into a very AP style mindset when my D leaning FA started deactivating. I tried to remain calm and mature, and did request politely that my needs in a healthy relationship be acknowledged and honored. I honestly just wanted my love languages of words of affirmation and quality time. He would reply to my asks that I sounded like I was 'begging for a handout' in a very rude way. One time I asked via text and he just flat out said that his brain didn't work like that so I'd get what I get. These incidents were the beginning of me choosing to walk away but it was, and sometimes still is ... very difficult.
Should I reach out to my FA ex via a letter? Or should I slowly try to rebuild attraction via messaging first then talk to him about it? I messed up, I’m anxious he’s FA and I’ve been pushing away all of his efforts for the past 2 months and being generally quite toxic. He got to the point where he’s had enough and has been so cold to me every time I’ve interacted with him. I have already apologised but idk if I should write a letter first laying it all out or slowly rebuild that connection first. I’ve seen a couple of your videos and one said a letter is a good start for an FA ex then another said rebuild first as too much too soon can trigger their avoidant tendencies….HELP 😂
awesome stuff Thais! 3 or 4 week mark... what if its been 4 months? any changes to the strategy?
This ! We need to know
Is any of this possible at long distance that started 2 months in before we were even in a serious formal relationship?
I think my ex is a fearful avoidant because when she broke up with me she said that our lifestyles are just too dofferent where she likes to go out and party and stay out late and i prefer to wake up early. She later liked something on instagram about "leaving them first" and i feel like that was about me. She said at the breakup how much she thinks she prefers more masculine guys and she thinks i didnt have a spine. Those words stay with me and sting because i do think thats a fair criticism, i often dont stick up for myself and i need to work on that. I don't care to stay stuck in the friendzone and just removed myself from her friends. She can have all the distance she wants. I do need to work on myself. I need to be more self confident and i need to do what i want. I had no desire to abandon her and i wanted to work things out but im not going to just up and change everything. I loved her so much and i did anything and everything i could for her. I dont think it will ever be enough because she will always have that nagging feeling at the back of her mind that im not the right one. I tried though.
Starts at 4:50
Is it possible after having a big fight? I had a situationship with an FA who was also still doubting to go back to her ex. She told me some reassuring things but we had to take distance to help her sort things out. She didn't really do anything for a while and I got really mad.. I was so afraid of losing her and I was angry that she saw him and didn't tell him the things she told me. I feel like I really messed up :(
Video starts at 4:50
Thank you so much for this as I was wondering how to approach this! Is it ever too late to win back a fearful avoidant? Something like a year of no contact?
not too late. The FA I still love has come back after 16 months, then after 14 months ..in between that time he would try to reach out on social media, but I didn't move in until he'd try to directly message me or call. Well, guess what, he is doing the distancing again and it's been 1 month since we've spoken. Our first no contact I decided to end it bc I wasn't happy with his indecisiveness and I told him. I had no idea he was FA. Second no contact, he just started getting "busy" with work and basically I left him alone and didn't say anything. Then he came back this past March. It can get really exhausting. I'm learning to address my needs when and if he reaches out, because I cannot continue to do these cycles.
ua-cam.com/video/xmK-d0IxlpM/v-deo.html
Why would disclosing virginity as the female partner of a male FA induce anxiety within the male?
Almost perfect relationship. Great soul. Totally workable. She was unable to understand her own needs. To bad. Their lost. Maybe we cross another day
OMG you describe me…
I would love to know how to put this all together with no-contact.
It's not really a small issue if the FA has communicated their needs and the person consistently does the same.
This video is assuming that the FA isn't aware of their patterns and isn't communicating. Sometimes they have communicated.
My FA ex partner resent and blame me for being overwhelmed trying 'fulfilling my needs' (when i try to reach him out after 4 weeks)while i'm the one trying to encourage him to communicate his needs about space over times, he told me that its just the way he is and even suspicious that i want to control or change him.... i try my best to sooth him and talk in a calm way even after all the accuse and resentment, its kinda disheartening when he point out all my weakness and assume the times we spend together in bad ways... its ended up hurt myself more knowing he devalue myself this much... i may love him that much for settling just for breadcrumbs.... but the moment he gaslight me and cant even remember only bad things about me, its the time i guess i need to let him go....
*even remember only the bad things about me that he assume
Can you do a video on navigating broken trust with a FA? I can attest to breaking my FA’s trust in a big way. Should I be all the way honest with what I did or should I keep it to myself if I’m trying to get back with her?
I did the work….he didn’t. He saw right through the mask and said it felt unnatural. This is true.
I am just feel tired now.
What if you don’t want to spend all your time fix ing other people and you just want to find people who aren’t avoidant and deal with those types of people exclusively?
She talks about what to look for in secure people in the course
Then why are you here, she told in the beginning of the Video when to consider it
You should do that then ❤️.
What’s confusing is an FA wants to feel important, but what about their fear of enmeshment. The balance is difficult to achieve.
This really made me think. We don't want to feel inportant as in that you need us to take care of you. Like an avoidant we feel you need to know in the end you are responsible for yourself. We tent to overgive and therefor are affraid of enmeshment. Mostly from our own behaviour as we tent to fall for unavailable lovers that don't see us for who we are. But with AA's they can cling very much. My time, my friends, my relax time. So I wouldn't use the word inportant in that sense. You need to have your own time and life. You need to take care of yourself because we get resentful if we give and give over our own needs to have some space apart but also because just like DA's we have learned that we are responsible to fullfill your own needs. Even tho we would try to fullfill others if they become dependent on us that is the thing that makes us feel enmashed and used. Second part is why do they make us inportant? Not because they prioritise our needa but it's because of they want to see their needs fullfilled in this clingy aspect. They full it out of us. Instead just ASK!! When would you like to meet again? Instead of: hey I love to come over tonight. Should I bring food? You see in the latter there is no room for my need and it's really hard to say no when you adore the other. But they take up so much space of me that I can't have my own much needed space and when we are together I am overgiving as it's far from my need. So ask questions about our needs and stay responsible for your own life and put energy in yourself outside of the relationship and don't overask.. Make us feel inportant by being thankfull showing appreciation and give all your love languages because that's how we feel charished and secure.
I'm currently in no contact with my FA, we broke up (currently a week has gone by) but we have set a deadline for this no contact phase to around 4 months. In the course of May we agreed that both of us can send a text and break "no contact" te get together a catch up, see how it goes. Is this normal? Thanks for the information! Really appreciated.
has anyone tried this with any success? i wish people who used these videos can come back to share the experience
That'd be awesome
I am an FA and no one has ever approached me in the way she described. Many times I dont reach out when I want to because I fear person hates me. But Ill replay the conversation in my mind of how I want it to go should they reach out...and its exactly as Thais described.
@@AceOfWands895 my ex girlfriend told me she don't love me anymore without any reason then i broke up without her . I still 60 days in no contact . She blocked me after 45 days of no contact . What that's mean?