Your video was the first step towards saving my relationship with the woman that I love. I watched it twice and took so many notes and when she finally accepted to talk to me, the words came out naturally because I had that understanding. I took a membership with the PDS because I want to keep learning and growing as a person but it was so important to me to say thank you.
I'm a female DA but now secured attacher. Please don't give up on yourself my fellow DA's. Try to be get out of your comfort zone and try to show emotions little by little until you are comfortable. You can do it. Also a piece of advice, try not to be in a relationship with AP's...just find someone secured. I dated an AP when I was already a secured attacher. At first it was okay until he started to become very toxic. Depression, anxiety, suicidal idealization because of his exes leaving him, PTSD guiltrippings, controlling behaviors, flirting with other women to make me jealous and a lot of emotional baggage. As much as I want to help them but if they are not willing to help themselves...I can't do anything about it. I can give empathy and a listening ear as well as assurance and love for them. I can help...but not in the expense of my mental health and emotional well being. I can't fix people. They need to fix themselves.
I think its really dedication in researching and watching thais videos. Seeing what my weaknesses are and improving them. The hardest part of my healing is expressing emotions and accepting love from other people as well as get close with them. Before,I have a very strong fear if abandonment thinking othet people will leave me anyway so there is no point to get close because you can't control people if they want to leave, they will leave. So instead of getting close with people I put my energy on the things that are tangible and hence I can control like accumulating money, knowledge and things. Though I accumulate this things I don't really care about it, I just use it as an excuse to be busy and avoid relationships. But when in my journey to become secured, I challenge this core belief by making more close friends, sharing my deepest fears, experiences and emotions to others as well as getting close with God. I challenge my fears if it is real or just exist in my imagination. Though despite my having secured attachment I still need alone time to process my emotions. Sometimes I go to nature and sit with my emotions and meditate about things. I also plan and initiate going out with friends to spend time with them. I also train myself to do hugs, saying affectionate words like I miss you. At first it feels cringe until it became normal to me. It took me 3 years to become secured, so it did not come easy but it is worth it.
I can relate. I never knew I was FA and for my whole life I was clinging to APs through my anxious part. They almost destroyed my health and sense of self. Never again. I’ve never been so happy as now, in an evolving situationship with DA. Yes not all of the time. Yes I fall back into betrayal trauma constantly. But healing momentum we gained from the start - is better than ever
So hard. You need to understand the avoidant, meet their needs, validate their needs, see & acknowledge how your responses sometimes triggers the avoidant, show them safety, be patient, don’t respond with any type of passion which can be misunderstood as volatility, IT IS SO TAXING! You can tell them your own needs but make sure you understand the avoidant is most likely not going to really do much to meet your needs. It will pretty much be their way or no way.
i feel you're describing not only dismissive avoidant, but all relationships with other people. relying on others to meet your needs is codependency. As you said it is hard and quite taxing. i agree, and i've found it to be usually (read: always) never worth it not only to yourself, as one abandons themselves, but also to the other person you seemly care about, as you're pushing needs onto them that are literally impossible for them to meet and that no one asked or wants to cares to attempt to meet. one MUST rely on themselves and meet their own needs, lest one become codependent and toxic.
@@EverybodysBaby Your assertion is that of the DA. INTERDEPENDENCE is what a healthy relationship demands. Being able to rely on another person to meet your needs while knowing that if they don't that you are able to meet them yourself is what is required. You are saying that any dependence in a relationship equates to codependence and that is simply not true. That's exactly what a DA would say.
@@gavinbrooke That is exactly what I am saying. As a (recovering) FA, when I've activated in the past I would notice I had become bothersome and needy. Despite knowing I can meet and meeting those needs at other times without burdening or pestering others. I've yet to encounter a definition or explanation that differentiates INTER- and C0- dependency; Merely stating one is the healthy version, without elaboration. So I remain aspiring to the DA as a model for respectful, safe, and healthy relationships looking forward, as of right now.
@@EverybodysBaby Lol, man that's a messed up way of looking at it. Interdependenc is simply being secure enough to be able to see others needs and not be burdened by them while also being able to acknowledge and express one's own needs, knowing that if those needs are not met, one can meet them on their own. Why on earth you think that one of the most damaging attachment styles to relationships there is, is a superior is beyond me. Also, a FA does not become activated, they deactivate thier attachment systems when stressed. Any avoidant will see the expression of need - which is normal and healthy when balanced- as neediness.
@@gavinbrooke I definitely don't disagree that it's a messed up, honestly its like an ink stain on my otherwise mostly positive outlook haha! Thank you for the correction for my misuse of the terminology, when I said I "activated" I was alluding to when I am interested in someone romantically (though at times platonicly as well). When I am interested, weather expressed or not, I am not proud of how I want to bother them nor how often they come into my mind. I am glad and proud to meet my friend's and partner's needs, as it makes me feel of value and closer to them. Most adults are able to meet most of their needs, because of this as I'm learning more, I've come to believe the AA to be the most damaging attachment style, as they're seemingly most likely to completely abandon themselves, whilst also completely burdening the other. The DA's main flaw seems to me that they can be close-minded and slow to want to grow and improve, so I'm curious as to how you've come to the opposing conclusion. Everyone has needs; if they weren't expressed and met, we would die! I see pushing one's need onto others, particularly when you can meet said needs yourself (going to the doc isn't neediness lol), as neediness. I have trouble why one would nuisance others, who have lives and their own needs to meet, with that extra burned, ESPECIALLY if they're people you care about. I want to make their lives easier if anything, not actively make their lives more difficult or worse! [Thank you for being patient with me and replying!]
As a DA, please don’t give up on us. I’m aware of how exhausting it must be but trust me we’re not having fun either. Having to put our guards up all the damn time due fear of vulnerability is so tiring. I just wanna heal.
Ohh no.... Tired? That must hurt so bad compared to un reciprocated love and being taken for granted while the avoidant romanticizes about their ex so you can never live up to their expectations. And shuts down when you stand up for yourself. Then gets tired of trying and quits... Lol man oh man. It must be painful hurting every one
Wow.... spot on im a female DA and this is literally word for word... its so hard to fix this 😥 I actually really try but i dont have a clear way of showing or receiving love so after awhile i just dont. then i cant meet my needs or anyones needs but if im alone, i dont need to worry about that. i can just meet my own needs without having to rely on anyone and thats always been easier for me
These thoughts and experiences are a result of your childhood environment where you were invisible, uncared for, and ignored. If a parent was unable or unwilling to be emotionally available, to mirror and tune into you when you were a small child- helpless and dependent on them. You likely felt invisible as a kid. Parents are our first teachers of love- how to be loved, what love is, etc. Many people slowly realize that their romantic partners most resemble a negligent or abusive parent, and that they are only repeating the past in the present. Even our thoughts and inner voices may sound like them.
What if your partner is consistent in displaying love for you and genuinely loves you. You don’t value them? You don’t appreciate? If your partner scratches your back, can you not scratch their back in return? Help me understand
I wonder if you had a worse childhood, how did your parents treat you at that period of time, did they give you emotional attachment or care about your emotional need?
Acts of service definitely- Compliments not so much. DA's grew up with a caretaker that they could not trust so we tend to believe actions long before words.
I appreciate the effort you make in treating everyone with respect and understanding.. We should all be doing that and i think most people here are. However, to anyone reading this.. Please don't make any effort whatsoever to help a DA unless they are willing to help themselves first (and have done so for a good part). You cannot love a person that doesn't love him/herself (you will be blocked from doing so), and a person who doesn't love him/herself cannot possibly love another person (for he/she will be blocked from doing so). That's simply the dynamic any avoidant creates and you will be nothing more than collateral damage. I love a female DA. It has been confirmed by mutual friends and simply everything that happened that she loves me as well. However, she is a DA, and therefore unable to accept that love. I advise anyone in a similar position as i to allow the DA to ruin everything, not only for your relationship but for herself as well. It may seem harsh and it is heartbreaking but there is *nothing* that you can do to help her whatsoever. Don't think you can provide her with information about what's going on and that she'll say "oh, i see!". Some perspectives need to be learned, not given. You may have your hopes, the ability to love her.. you may see it as something simple (and it is), but the brain is unable to distinguish anything between real and fake threats. This is even more so for a DA, i believe. You have no choice but to give up and watch someone you love potentially ruin her life for good. The only two alternatives are: you try to fix things and she'll ruin your life along with hers.. or you both work on yourselves and can save a relationship (but this is an ideal hope, not reality. You'd be a fool to bet your money on this, just like i was). There is also the case that, inspite of why she is doing this to you (which you can feel empathy for), there is also the fact that she simply is doing all of this to you. I'm sorry but nobody should sacrifice themselves in order to be treated by someone who will only hurt you. Again, i'm sorry but.. anyone who is so severely damaged and is unwilling to take responsibility will simply fade out. They'll be nothing but a shell of the potential they have, and so will you if you dare to continue loving a DA. They are unreliable, and they are simply not safe. To any DA reading this, there is nothing wrong with you as a person, regardless of what happened. You are a person and you are deserving to love and to be loved. You only need to walk towards all the things you are running away from (just like everyone else). Take risks, dare to allow your genuine feelings to be seen by yourself and others. Accept that you have them, and you will provide the permission for others to accept you as well.
You are seeing this through YOUR eyes and it is very sad. I'm sorry that happened to you but people are not 100% defined by their attachment style. If you go in assuming they can't be fixed and probably won't change--guess what will manifest? They won't be fixed and they won't change. Your subconscious assumptions and beliefs dictate how your life unfolds, believe it or don't--makes no difference to me but that is ACTUALLY how life works.
The first two minutes of this video may have changed my life. I actually might not want to chase her when she does not want to put in the work, put in the effort. Thank you, Thais. You've said this a thousand times and I just felt the answer today.
As a husband to a DA I have watched every video of yours and it’s been extremely validating and insightful. However, it seems that based on what you have said it is the PARTNER of the DA that needs to do all the work and the DA is just wounded. In my experience a DA is cold, neglectful, defensive, emotionally ignorant. When and how is the DA accountable for how they are? Where is the material on how the DA can be better?
If it gives you any hope, not all of us DA's are just blind to how we are. I've noticed for myself when I look for help, it's a lot of slander instead of how to get better. And most attachment theory specialist seem to focus more on anxious attachements. We basically just get told we're all narcs and not really given a chance. Also, as a DA woman I don't often see people talking about us since most avoidants are men. So we get left out of the convo on how to heal.
At least you did your due diligence with researching. Does she know this? Being seen, understood, acts of loyalty, cared for is so accurate. Sigh* as a DA working on herself.. I’m not sure if this is something I can overcome. I always feel like I have 1 foot out the door no matter what. The desire to be alone is always there.
I knew nothing about attachment styles before dating what I now know was a dismissive avoidant female. I was absolutely blindsided. She was pursuing me and consistently reaching out for months. First few dates were amazing and as soon as I started showing signs that I cared, POOF flakiness, pullback, and eventually she said she wasn’t ready for a relationship and call off our dating. We got into an argument and that was the end of that. Should’ve just walked away, but even then, now knowing what I know now...any relationship with her would’ve been doomed from the start. So sad, but now I know all about these attachment styles
" I knew nothing about attachment styles before dating what I now know was a dismissive avoidant female." Haha join the team mate. Half the blokes on here are exactly the same as you. Couldn't figure out why everything was so mental and screwed up...scoured UA-cam, then found this.We all got addicted to their disfunction.
I’m married to a woman who I’m pretty sure is DA (im new to this) I love her and will til the death of me but damn she wasn’t like this for the first 5 years just for this last year. Can she go back to how she used to be or will she stay this way? It’s the most emotionally painful shit ive ever went thru I just want the loving and kind woman I was married to for 5 years back…
I was with a fearful avoidant for eight years. She is an ACOA and an abusive victim. I loved her every day of that time. She broke it off after four years for reasons that made no sense. I was never good enough. She came back after three months and things were great. Then, her ex abusive husband died, and she became distant again. She began to idolize him, although he abused her and her girls. We finally got married in April. She and her girls started to move in, then suddenly told me she had a change of heart. The trigger was actually the “no turning back” of moving in. I have been devastated beyond words. Having a hard time just getting through each day now.
I communicated my needs as they were not being met, after I noticed she was slow fading me. She said that she couldn’t give me what I needed and dumped me. Awesome!
B the Change Hi. Thanks for the wise response. I appreciate those kind words. I was being strung along for quite a while, trying to feel comfortable with feeling uncomfortable before I concisely and clearly stated my needs and that I wanted to share the possibility of a future with her. She didn’t see it that way. Too much pressure.
@@Alphacentauri819 I agree. In my case, my DA ex just told me she thought I wasn't manly enough, attacked my self esteem and made me question my self-worth. If she just told me she couldn't meet my needs and go away, it wouldn't hurt so much- but she almost destroyed me. 😔
Honestly. I hate to say it, but female dismissive avoidants are the most difficult people in the world to have a healthy relationship with. It's near impossible. They unnecessarily create drama, kill intimacy, create distance, do things to hurt you. I understand it's not intentional and we shouldn't take it personally, but it's so heartbreaking when someone you love does such harmful and hurtful things. This is a relationship where two people are focused on one's needs. You can express your needs, and communicate clearly in a healthy manner, and you will be discarded. They are incapable of having real emotional bonds, commitment, intimacy, etc. It is so heartbreaking because during the initial phases of getting to know these people, they are so loving and open and caring, and seem to have such high potential. Eventually, their fears show up and these female avoidants end up self sabotaging and killing the relationship.
@@ronmexico8383 it's so frustrating and so heartbreaking 😔😢 because u know deep down what a wonderful person they are they just become very selfish as the relationship continues and as long as ur "giving" believe they're "taking" most times we get takin for granted and wether or not they realize or even care what they have lost or are losing is still a question in my mind🤷🏼♂️
This is so sad to read for you guys. I'm into a 6 month stint and be done over 4 times already. And like an idiot went back for more. I'm on day 3 of no contact. She's blocked but emails daily. As for the longer term people, I'm so sorry. Thoughts and love are with you. Wish I could help. Now when I go find another woman I need to check she's safe...
@@joeleggett425 they have always been selfish. My foolish choice to be with my gf --she actually warned me in the beginning “I’m very selfish” She love bombed me for the first 3 years … the past 4 have been heart wrenching for me. I’m a giver and helper by nature. I fell in love with a DA / narcissistic girl. I feel hurt, foolish and I’m exhausted mentally emotionally and physically. I have given until I have no more to give . Why do I love her so much. I’ve never been In a position where I walk away from someone I love so truly. It’s killing me inside
My DA gf of 5 years and I recently called it quits. I enjoy your channel, and i have tried to follow much of the advise you have given. The problem is that my gf would stonewall so much, and go dark for sometimes days, that even tryimg to communicate with her was almost impossible. When we did communicate, it ended up being through text message. It eventually ended by her telling me she had "no more space for my feelings". After being told that, what choice is there, other than to just not reply, and assume its over, which is what ultimately happened. After 3 months of no contact, i attempted to reconnect, but that was probably a mistake, as it just reaffirmed my original decision. Staying single might be the best way to go.
I'm DA and she's a DA, and my needs and wants are similar to hers. But she's more extreme than i am, but i understand so much more about her because everything you said about her i resonate with as a guy. And i'm closer to secure on the dismissive avoidant scale, but i really get it. My needs align with hers in so many ways, that i think my advantage is that we can understand how similar we are and how we can become secure together. The messed up thing is, she did all the stuff you said to me, and i appreciated it, but i didn't get it. It worked and made me love her, but i didn't know i should have done it too. She always told me how she admired my confidence and extraversion, and always doubled checked that i still wanted to go every time we went out and if i wanted to cancel it would be okay. And her empathy was amazing, based on her own experiences, and i just wish i did the same. And now i can, and i know what to do, but i just hope she comes back from the space she needed. If she does, i won't give up.
my two DA experience was more like an old married couple. want you in the house but not in the same room. wanting space was expressed by silient hostility. i think what people don't understand is everything DA comes from the subconscious. brain chemistry floods the body with stress hormone. for me DA is unfixable. I will always be a sigma male.
These thoughts and experiences are a result of your childhood environment where you were invisible, uncared for, and ignored. If a parent was unable or unwilling to be emotionally available, to mirror and tune into you when you were a small child- helpless and dependent on them. You likely felt invisible as a kid. Parents are our first teachers of love- how to be loved, what love is, etc. Many people slowly realize that their romantic partners most resemble a negligent or abusive parent, and that they are only repeating the past in the present. Even our thoughts and inner voices may sound like them.
Thank you so much for emphasize to concern about our well-being first instead of just manipulating to get the outcome we desire. I've been all scary if i am being manipulative and don't know how to not being so. Thank you for giving this information about how to put everything in place. Thank you so much, Thais.
You’re videos just keep getting better and better! This is one of my favorites! (Said the DA/FA) This helps me understand myself better too. Thank you, Thais. 💞 I didn’t make today’s live and look forward to watching it soon. I’m taking sometime to be with nature, in the trees. ⛺️ 🦅 💦 🦋
As a former dismissive avoidant (now "earned secure") I say: where were you 5, 6 years ago?? 🙂. So true about the initial deficit, relationships seemed for a very long time like an extra job, so true about the love languages and the "being understood" part. I would add that I was actively working on my stuff in relationships and when I expressed very CLEARLY my needs my exes were dumbfounded or just shrugged it off, maybe cause they had a certain image in their head about me so it hit a wall each time (same happened with a former therapist...).
@Ocean Flower I was an observer as a kid and still am like that, so I had some insight into my behaviour and those around me and I used it to course correct in time. By the time I got to see a therapist (20 years after highschool) we evaluated together and I had acquired on my own with experience some secure qualities, like: conflict resolution, stopped running from conflict at 20 yo, an abundance mindset, you're ok I'm ok, I offered quality presence in my relationships even if still weary of commitment (fiancée twice, broke it off..), was willing to state my needs but there were still a lot of limiting beliefs like not getting support from others, lack of consistency and understanding from others, conflicting lifestyles choices etc.. which is what I was working on with a therapist.
Georgi Fran okay I see 😊😊 it seems you worked a lot on improving yourself in this part of your life over the years 😊 I’m happy to hear this! The beliefs we have are so important
Ocean Flower it is hard for every attachment to change.. because we’re used to our coping mechanism from so long 😅 probably it’s right to think it takes time.. being patient in the process is fundamental to not lose faith that things can get better 😊
Ocean Flower I mean to leave our typical coping mechanisms is hard.. I meant this.. for some it will be easier to move into secure depending from where they started.. (I’m a FA ) I guess you too? Considering you said you got more avoidant with the time but you aren’t a DA?
One point you touched on described exactly what I've been struggling with lately. Having come out of what could be considered a vacation from my feelings, I started to reflect on old patterns and behavior through the lens of attachment theory. An inevitable struggle at some point in the majority of my relationships (romantic, friendship, family, work) is the imbalance that occurs as the relationship progresses and my partner's (very reasonable and very normal) wants and needs start to outweigh what I'm asking for (virtually non existent)
This would be amazing if someone came at me with understanding me, rather than constantly with their excessive needs and demands. This would feel really good.
maybe they are not excessive and not demanding, and its just your perception as a DA. DA's will see normal needs as being excessive and burdensome. As the partner if a DA, I'm expected to be understanding, aknowledge their need for space, meet their needs for reliability and safety, not talk about feelings or anything of depth, yet my needs are seen as unwieldy demands and and neediness. I'm exhausted trying to keep the relationship solvent and managing the emotional demands of the relationship while I'm seen as a nothing but a needy, demanding burden for wanting - gasp - reciprocity.
@@gavinbrooke you’re not meant to do anything, if you don’t like the DA than leave. Nobody is forcing you to stay with a DA. You all go on and on about how everything is the DA’s fault when truthfully you can only blame yourself for sticking around for so long. Also, stop projecting your own experiences on to other DA’s
@@Camig1708 And just like a DA, you feel triggered by percieved criticism because you don't like seeing your own damaging relationship behavior mirrored back to you. I feel for avoidants...it must suck always feeling like intimacy and emotions are a lead weight around your neck when in a relationship. Save the victimization card for someone who hasn't had to deal with it for years for the sake of my children's financial health. Sometimes walking away is more complicated than DA's like to pretend everything is. Why hasn't my DA wife walked away either?
Holy @#$% everything you say is so on point it's scary. The possibility of such a deep level of understanding of this stuff fills me with so much hope and optimism for the future of my relationship. Thank you so much for making this information available for free to anyone.
My experience with a female DA was the needle would move just a little. So you get a little optimistic and you keep going. Then they retreat back to their safe zone. Back to square one. Now I think Im a DA cause I just don't want to deal with relationships.
This is your best video yet and is so powerful to someone in this situation. As a personal development school student I can honestly say their is so much to learn about your self before you try to learn about someone else> this video then combines a high level of understanding and gives you options with the outcome 100% positive no matter what. Beautiful. Thank you so much Thais
Many people feel very anxious in their relationship, because their partner avoids emotional intimacy. Despite how frustrating the avoidant partner may appear, not everything can be blamed on them.
@@aix83 I eventually accepted I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. I haven't heard from her, but life has a sense of humor. She showed up at my new place of work once, not knowing I worked there, and the look on her face was priceless. She'd seen a ghost and scrambled to find a pathetic excuse of a question on a product despite that I was walking past her. It said to me she probably still can't communicate in healthy ways and I'm better off. I hate to admit it, but she's not the person I saw in her and she doesn't want to be. Underneath her issues, I still think she wants to be, but she just isn't my problem anymore. I've had some relationships since, and I learned a lot from it, and am grateful for the experiences. I still wish I knew entirely why I was so damn heartbroken like I've never been before, but it doesn't matter enough yet. I'll get it worked out when I get it worked out, but for now I'm focusing on wielding the pain in productive ways, because I was a worse person with her. I still hope she's well. She deserves so much more than she gives herself credit for and it makes me a little sad thinking how little she seemed to want for herself.
@@margurkatyberius hey thanks a lot for replying! The little story you shared about her showing up and having a surprise to see you there made me laugh. I feel for DAs but their leaving a trail of emotional corpses in their wake should indeed pay. Yes, if she's not working on herself, that's irresponsible of her and you're better off. In our defense (yours and mine), we believed in them because the people they have the potential to become are always in there. But we can't be friends or SOs with potential. I was incredibly heartbroken by a DA, like you describe, and I think it's because I realize they have no reason to shun me. People always like me, I make friends easily, so the heartbreak came with shock and incredulity. It was hard to accept what was going on but it was also literally hard to believe. Saying it in case it works the same for you.
@@aix83 eh guys.. on behalf of DA’s.. yeah we are damaged. : / My mother left me alone at home at 7 yrs old at night at times.. and also on the side of the road a few times as “punishment” at 7/8 years old. 💁🏻♀️ my Dad died when I was 14 heroin overdose. Just like a few examples what causes an FA/DA. We are just damaged and need so much more. It sucks. : /
@@paniq_fnite I'm very sorry to hear about what happened to you. I didn't say DAs are damaged. In my case, I don't think my friend had trauma anywhere near this extent, but he surely caused me harm. DA can also be caused by a mix of genetic disposition and extreme shyness in childhood, not necessarily by abuse.
I divorced a DA. You can never reach them. When they see you’re truly done they finally show up to the party but they’re too late. Then they put it all on you and say you didn’t try hard enough. You can’t win. Walk away before you’re both too damaged.
As a DA, everything you just described sounds absolutely romantic to me. I felt swept away just imagining it. 10 days of that before meeting and all the small gifts. If you want a DA back this is the way.
Dear Thais, this has been the video that I have craved for and waited for a long time but I am happy to say that now I will give it a go and give myself the time to re engage my ex and start building that bridge of connection. Cause like you mentioned, I truly believe deep in my gut that we will have another opportunity but because of how I’ve change and developed myself for the better, I trust that this will work! Thank you soooooo much 🙏😊
This is excellent insightful information on how to manage the relationship with my DA in separation. Thank you, this helps me own up to my behaviors in the past.
Yeah, all the things you did wrong and need to change because you are so bad. eye role. Bro, they are completely broken and have a personalty disorder. They make everyone codependent to take care of their special needs.
Bingo 7:14 I was the ignored middle child. I was just forgotten a lot of times, but I realized being quiet and not speaking up was better than expressing needs within the family dynamic, so as to not get yelled at or in trouble. It was better to just take care of myself in a sense and not bother anyone else. During arguments with my parents, if we said anything, we would get screamed at and sometimes smacked. So I learned to not speak at all during any arguments, shut down immediately, no eye contact or you might get physically hurt. This is spot on too 14:32 If someone wants to make fun of me or say that keeping me safe is wrong, then I'm out. There is no coming back from that.
This video is really optimistic and positive but unfortunately it is also very unrealistic. DA’s are hard wired an just cannot commit EVER! They usually have narcissistic tendency’s as well. If you have fallen into a relationship it will end soon enough and there is nothing you can do about it. The more you love them the more it will repel them. They cannot empathise. They don’t make good mothers either. ( I know from experience). They withhold affection from their children and turn them into little DAs with no self esteem. They hate they are like it but the cannot help it. They will break your heart and move on in a week with someone new. ( they will sabotage that relationship too don’t worry) They are masters at internalising feelings and won’t feel bad. You will never hear from them again cause DA’s never usually reach out again. Have some self respect and gtfo while you can and concentrate on someone who deserves your wonderful love. Don’t waste another second trying to fix something that can’t be fixed. A DA will ruin your life especially if you are anxious.
Soo, as a DA woman, i feel like every man just wants to sleep with me, so they put on this show of love and interest. Which is cool, I'm down for the bs too untillll I start feeling something, then the whole thing needs to be thrown away. 🤷🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️
I think the same too and only realize that I hurt the other person after I leave them and wonder why they act cold towards me. It turns out, people just want positive attention and energy and responsiveness. All of which is extremely difficult for a DA, especially to be engaged and accept and receive.
@Jeff Robertson I’m an AA but I e learned enough about DA’s to know that using the word “defective “ towards a DA is one of the worst things you can do. It stomps on one of their most painful core wounds. I’m sure you can find a much gentler way to rephrase your comment.
@Maevna omggg lovely, I’ve truly healed as well. It definitely was a self fulfilling prophecy caused by a chronic pain disease that is in remission. My entire life has changed; I feel more in control of myself now, so no reason to automatically push people away as a default.
@@chesleysnotebook537 I can relate, how did you healed the belief? I mean I get it rationally and in context of other people...when it comes to myself idk why someone would want to be with me.... For me? You know what I mean?
@@fireshine4105 for me it was realising my true value and identity..once i realised who i am..now I'm like who wouldn't want to be with such a lovely person like me?...maybe when you truly realise who you are and decide to intentionally give people a chance to get to know the real you, you will feel a lot more confident seeing how others recognise and value you for who you are....also give yourself a chance to see what a situation could evolve into without sabotaging it beforehand because of percieved "what if" outcomes...this helped me enormously so hope it helps you too..
When a person is being * dismissive * and/or they're * avoiding * you, that's your clue that they don't want you - move on - stop labeling them, stop stalking them, and stop trying to lure them back into your life.
Not true at all. I’m in a relationship with a DA rn and feels like a stand still because we both love each other greatly, but there is so much childhood trauma to unpack to make it work.
@@harrison3081 What's true for you is not necessarily true for the rest of us - keep that in mind when you see other people have given a thumbs up to the original comment which is to say "That's true" and then you come along with your sad love story ... which is another failure ... in communication and unresolved psychological issues which most of us are all too familiar with - after decades of hearing the horror stories from disastrous hostage situations that they thought were "relationships" but in retrospect they realized they were being exploited and abused - but because of the childhood abuse they had suffered - for way too long - they failed to notice the warning signs - until it was way too late. Claiming to love someone is not the same as actually loving someone. When someone is avoiding a " relationship " ... that is not a relationship. Try to remember that.
@@WhirledPublishing take your own advice. What’s true for you is not necessarily true for the rest of us. You made a statement that generalizes a way to interpret certain behavior. I said that’s not true. My comment was quite literally pointing out the contents of your latest reply.
I've found that acts of service are ignored by female DA's. As well as gifts ("PRESSURE! PRESSURE! PRESSURE!") They want to endlessly repeat their claims of how you failed them.
Timestamps for me: 4:05 - start 5:15 - female DA will start at a deficit of energy and compromise 6:30 - need to properly and early on express needs, so it doesn't happen randomly and female DA shuts down 6:45 - feels like partner communicating needs is an assault on the independence 7:45 - make your boundaries clear. No manipulation. Clear boundaries 8:36 - write down everything you would need for the relationship to work, and express it 9:11 - re-approach the individual. Make female DA feel understood. 10:44 you need to understand them 10:40 - why what I did make you feel a certain way and shut down (NB!!!) 11:43 - needs their needs acknowledged first before you say yours 13:26 - bring gift and show you care when you have talk, female DA love language 14:08 - want you to repeat original convo to show you understand. Make feel heard. 14:40 - what you should say as the follow-up, and say how you want to do that 14:57 - follow up again by saying how you know you didn't communicate things in-time. Go back to step one and say your boundaries and needs 15:18 - keep saying needs even if the person doesn't meet them 16:30 - keep communicating needs and reinforce when they meet them 16:55 - keep checking in that you're meeting their needs. Communicate gently 17:20 - show you understand them, and be patient with them 17:45 - could have moved on in their mind before they fully ended relationship 18:14 - create deadline to know the person is done and has lost feelings, walk away knowing you tried your best
Hard to want to extend the olive branch to someone who’s pushed you away already.. it’s exhausting. Do we just wait for them to heal one day themselves?
I hear ya. My ex said maybe someday she will be in abetter state and things can get back where they were. Fun, romatic, stressfree. But when? Who knows.. its been 7 months for me. I work with her. Just have to work on myself for my own sake. Still nice but giving her the space. No boyfriend benefits , lunches, hugs etc.
@@inspiredx3866 you're a bigger man that I am. Mine had a 3 month "funk" the first year together and then constant little cold/ warm phases.. when she started another cold phase I left her after 3 months of no touching. I had enough of my needs of intimacy being neglected. I hope you the best
My Ex DA didn't understand giving in a relationship. One time she bought shirts from the store and asked me to pay for them instead of giving them to me as a gift. After paying for the shirts, she then realised it was a wrong gesture, she chose to go cold and ghosted me for months.
Beat thing to do is to give them exactly what they want....space and time. Act like an Avoidant. Use her own attachment style aka strategy and she'll act like an anxious attachment
What if things were just misunderstood and there was a deep bond? I think it's worth trying to understand people we love and would like my DA ex to feel supported and understood. I totally understand your point on breaking up as a boundary to be respected.. also I believe that sooner or later people in love need to learn to work through conflicts and a good connection can be restored with some understanding.
Derik Everett what do you mean you would like your ex DA to feel supported and understood? By doing what? yes maybe there was a deep bond but the same the person decided to break up for other reasons.. it doesn’t mean it wasn’t an important story or that she didn’t care
@@kate7932 That's a great question. Simply saying I understand her needs for those things isn't really demonstrating that I am doing those things is it? I guess the idea was to show awareness that I understand that she needs to feel those things in order to feel safe and that criticism and not communicating my needs and feelings didnt help. I want her to feel she was good enough. I would like her to feel like I get her as a person and help her feel like I'm on the same page she is and not put pressure on getting back together. The goal is to bridge the gap in her feeling like I dont get her so she would be drop her guard and feel comfortable with me again. Any tips on this are welcomed.
@@mindfulsticks you didn't do anything wrong. And I wouldn't listen to this person . Yes. Respect the boundaries and be gone . If someone cares that little to just walk from your life and not discuss anything, what more do you need? She will do it again . And sadly with cell phones and dating apps women have more attention than ever In history..you're seeing what the effect is. Just walk away with your head held high. And say nothing..you'd be shocked how powerful that is. Women's currency is attention. Don't give any.
After 20 years of marriage, and being in a relationship for 23 years, my wife left with the kids. It was finally brought to my attention she is a dismissive avoidant. She experienced several traumas, including the death of her mother. She has all the signs of depression/midlife crisis. My question is, how do I attract her back with her being in midlife crisis, in addition to her being a dismissive avoidant. I don’t recognize who she is at this time in our life. Her eyes are black any advice, greatly appreciated. I’m praying for reconciliation for children, her and myself thank you for anyone who chooses to, or give advice.
It been is a nightmare, for 15 years, I only stayed in connection for the children!. How can you be in a relationship with someone who says it's not me it's you each and every time. Who is happy to only connect over paying the bills and paying for the house to be renovated, for paying off their debts. Don't try leaving, it's not worth the effort leave, leave, find someone who is not high maintenance leave, leave, leave !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ive been broken up with my ex for nearly one year.. But I still want her back. I feel as though ive grown a lot as a person, and still am. I kind of tried some of this myself without any guidance though, just felt like the right thing to do, but I also know that I was too emotional at times, and too forward at others. I have been working on my self control and confidence. It is funny what she said at the end of the video, part of me did feel better just that I tried so hard to fix things even though it didnt work. I stopped trying when everything I was doing was just making things worse. That was before I sought professional help. Idk if I will ever get her back, she is young, and maybe I just met her too soon, or she needs time to grow, but the love we had, that I feel is real, and id do anything to heal things between us, even change myself for the better, if there's a chance. Thank you
Unsolicited advice: Start looking into "limerance". Specially the videos that Thais has released on it. If you are a member of her school, watch the entire 2 hour webinar on it. I was where you are. I spent a whole year in that place... Multiple times in multiple relationships if I'm honest with myself. Digging into limerance and how it has effected me has been one of the most beneficial things i have done for myself.
@@ghostinside Thanks for sharing. Ive heard of it, and I agree it has definitely affected me. It is like a very powerful drug. But I will have to look into it more. So many things I'm studying now about relationships. I never had any interest in this stuff before.
@@ronmexico8383 Heard the same bit of advice about BPD. Which could be a possibility. Ah, know that song. Ive been addicted to songs and singing lately. Also "Hold on loosely" gets in my head.
That's the trap with DAs. They are great at exposing your weaknesses and flaws (blessing if you are open to change) but if you let it go unchecked in yourself, you'll endlessly try and change yourself for them, but out will never be good enough because their circuitry is faulty and you'll always end up in the same place and often a worse version.
DA's will drain you....the ups and downs are ridiculous.let them go. Maybe if you find a person who is willing to do half of the work and reciprocate then awesome....before that save yourself a heartache. Leave! You could be amazing but they wont see it. Dont fall for that. Keep walking
Yup, feeling drained from a DA Babymama, she comes up with the stupidest things to argue about, calls me abusive with zero ground to stand on, and is generally just bi-polar.
this is tough my ex ghosted me back in april.. we were together for a year and 8 months and i find this so difficult because i feel linked to her some how.. i wont think of her at all then randomly ill have a dream.. etc and its like i wanna reach out, but i feel its best if i didn't because i don't wanna lets say start over then i get ghosted again.. i could barely handle it this first time..
It’s not rocket science We all want to be supported safe secure We were born for connection and wired to be wanted and loved It’s really simple people… treat others like you want to be treated
If you know how someone is and that they are not capable to meet your requirements for being loved then why bother? There are billions of people on earth, why try to fix something that’s not meant to be fixed by you?
Ohhhh mmyyyy this is exactly me and my female ex!!!!! This all makes sense and it explains a lot about my ex’es “anxiety and thing in her head” I’m F/A and I now see my ex as a D/A. I’ve also started the process of diagnosing Cyclothymia (type of bipolar) now I can see how I can reconcile with my ex…I’m working on me and will use your advice wisely with my ex
25yrs of this crap, now I’m insane,broke a shell of a man and she thinks she’s normal. You can’t walk away with a broken family and children who are going to have this generational curse with no hurt. Damn it man.
As a female DA- PLEASE for the love of life lol if you have a DA in your life let her know you feel like she pushes ppl away/has walls up, as aware as you are 1, we are NOT aware 2 if we are distant & everyone just accepts it we’re both loosing and it’s NOT that we don’t care. it’s just our paralyzing fear of getting close to anyone subconsciously and consciously does anything to physically and mentally push ppl away. i just realized yesterday idk if i know what a connection is or if i know how to be close w anyone after who I thought we were my close friends said I was distant & they thought I didn't care! & i’m 28. Being an avoidant really be ruining my own life-career too 😭😭😭😭 Let her know you hear her, you love her and you care and you want to work on getting closer. and tell her what you need from her
That's all well and good, but when they hear criticism and coercion is every word and project their discomfort back onto you, then its pointless. I'm exhausted carrying the emotional weight of the relationship for someone who is so self-focused that seem unaware of the stresses I endure.
My ex gf sounds like you. She is doomed.. I’m as good a man as she will be able to find, she is not in touch with herself, she will never find someone as warm and loving.. makes me mad she didn’t wake up
@@sala320 But even if she did "wake up" who said she would be this person that you would want her to be. Honestly, I think it takes 1 of 3 things (or all) to change, 1- a therapist, 2 a partner that just meshes well with and 3 TIME. The waking up and changing takes TIME...years! People are habitual and unaware..its take a time of wanting and consciously being reminded that you're going back to the "old" you. One thing that helped me is my therapist told me to question that I associate with this type of attachment style..that has changed me a lot! I no longer am avoidant.. I tell myself "I am open to receiving love" ect ect
@@daniellehedger3644 I told her to get therapy, told her she’s avoidant, sent her multiple times Thais’ videos while we were supposed to be working on us. She didn’t even watch them.. but would scream if I threatened to ice her out. I eventually blocked her but my heart is broken broken.. I suffered for years alone.
Yeah I did this, and before I could even approach the conversation about how wr could better meet each others needs. She broke down in my volunerable talk of the things I've been working on she stonewalled and wasn't willing to share and be volunerable. She admitted that I understood what she was feeling, but when she broke down and stonewalled she just got stuck in feeling there was nothing that could be done right now and as much as she had said she loved me earlier in the conversation, appreciated me sharing the work, wanted to be with me, and that we agreed that this talk wasn't one to decide what we were going to do, she shut down and felt she needed to breakup and wouldn't listen to anything. I'm lost and very confused
It's ridiculous that someone has to be so servile in order to have a DA female in their life. Being a DA is an emotional inbalance that hinders someone. Why would I tell her that she did nothing wrong when she broke someone's heart in a heartbeat for just worrying about themselves? Not looking to be a better, more stable person is doing something wrong.
then shut up and do all that. why do you need to come and flood the comment section of videos like this with nothing but negativity? it makes DAs that are here to change feel unwelcome and unable to participate
@@soulsearcher7077 he probably got his heart broken by a female DA who didn’t have the awareness or willingness to change. You all are the exceptions ❤️
It sounds that way but its more of a toning down and affirmations are something you do in any relationship. It's more of a compromise where you try to help them see that certain needs aren't being met without being overly critical. Which is just communication, an integral part of any relationship. No one responds to negativity. Supporting your partner lets them be more receptive and allow them to love you the way they want to without withdrawing subconsciously. Idk about you but I'd rather my partner be comfortable with me than not putting in any effort and leaving them to stay misunderstood and feeling defective.
@@genesismorales7996 a good analysis, yes sometimes a person has no idea what they're "supposed to be doing", like what does that actually look like. Also, showing/saying/doing too much regarding feelings can make the partner leave because it's "neediness", at least that's how some DA's think and it's a legit concern
6:00 this describes me with my (DA) wife. Especially at 6:40 & following. 7:00 - "the root reason..." 7:33 very strong point! You can't manipulate your way into a healthy relationship.
@@mshiferaw significantly better. It’s helped a lot to know why she treated me the way she did. I used to assume all sorts of things were “my fault” and try to fix them from my end. Once I understood it was just the way she related, it was a relief, but also frustrating in a new way because as hard as it is the change yourself, it’s wayyyyy harder to change somebody else! I understand why many people run the other way when they find out about attachment style and that their partner is DA. It seems like the DA can’t possibly learn to value you, and you really wonder why they are still in the relationship. I have to be honest, if I didn’t have a strong relationship with Jesus Christ, I would have ended the marriage on several occasions. I’m not sure how anyone without that help and hope can persevere in such a relationship. But I’ve learned all sorts of things about “boundaries” and how each of us is responsible to the Lord for our own actions. I’m still baffled at times, but at least I don’t feel that I have to carry both sides of the marriage anymore. That alone has been a tremendous relief, and even made my wife, temporarily, chase me! That was nice, but it’s wearing off. A major problem with the DA is that they can adjust to almost any level of detachment! As I mentioned in my earlier post, you can’t manipulate your way to a healthy relationship. But focusing on putting my relationship with God first is everything to me now. It is written, “in Him we live and move and have our existence.” When I obsess over my often bizarre relationship with my wife, it becomes a form of idol worship. By consciously focusing on my pursuit of my eternal relationship, I’m able to let go of the frantic need to improve my marriage. That has helped.
I just found this video but I did this w my ex da like 3 days ago, I didn’t do it for her I def did it for myself, accountability and self reflection or self realization are big to me.
You can try but you may be untrusted and dismissed. Especially if they wont do the work and you really try Gently and get dismissed due to their fear of vulnerability.
May I know when is a good time post break up to start this conversation with my ex? How do I know she is READY to hear all these and have a conversation about the past? Thank you :)
Curious of this too. Also, if I gave this convo an attempt but didnt succeed, should I try again with greater awareness (even if she's moved on to someone new). I'd like to demonstrate that I get her and break down any barriers to make it more possible to connect in the future again
What do they do when they shut down? My DA woman has shut down for a week, a weekend, 6 weeks….what is she doing? I know she doesn’t have another lover, so what?
It happened to me in 1985 at that time I didn't even know it existed Avoidant now almost 40 years later the pain continues to haunt me in order to live a somewhat normal life I had to turn off my own feelings for almost 30 years I have not loved others since then I have in that time i did not funt anny love annyore and I am now 64 years old
Hey :) Thank you for this! May I ask exactly WHEN should I start the first step of this conversation (emotional validation, Identifying her needs, showing understanding etc)? Its been just nice 6 weeks after we broke up with minimal contact (she reached out a few times indirectly) and is still rather distant. Should I meet up with her for activities first and then ease this conversation in later? Should I have this conversation during our 1st meet-up? Or should I do this through texting or a phone call even before meeting her? I am not too sure when is the right time to apply all these and talk about our past relationship. Any help is much appreciated, thank you!
Im wondering this stuff too, though it's farther off. IDK if my ex will genuinely reach out other than in extreme circumstances to check on me. It's been since February since we really talked. She just wanted to be friends, and although I initially agreed, I couldn't take it, and made things worse in making her feel manipulated, though she never used the word, I know, by how she acted. I just wish for the good times again, but with better communication!
I really WANT to just write a letter to get it off my chest, and out of the way, but I know that thats probably not the best approach. I may scare her away forever, if i havent already. Ive already tried it before, too, but its difficult to keep it reigned inside. Boundaries, too?
Your video was the first step towards saving my relationship with the woman that I love. I watched it twice and took so many notes and when she finally accepted to talk to me, the words came out naturally because I had that understanding. I took a membership with the PDS because I want to keep learning and growing as a person but it was so important to me to say thank you.
How did it go?
Hey how are y'all doing now? Also are you DA or securely attached? Are your needs being met too?
I'm a female DA but now secured attacher. Please don't give up on yourself my fellow DA's. Try to be get out of your comfort zone and try to show emotions little by little until you are comfortable. You can do it. Also a piece of advice, try not to be in a relationship with AP's...just find someone secured. I dated an AP when I was already a secured attacher. At first it was okay until he started to become very toxic. Depression, anxiety, suicidal idealization because of his exes leaving him, PTSD guiltrippings, controlling behaviors, flirting with other women to make me jealous and a lot of emotional baggage. As much as I want to help them but if they are not willing to help themselves...I can't do anything about it. I can give empathy and a listening ear as well as assurance and love for them. I can help...but not in the expense of my mental health and emotional well being. I can't fix people. They need to fix themselves.
What helped you to become securely attached?
I think its really dedication in researching and watching thais videos. Seeing what my weaknesses are and improving them. The hardest part of my healing is expressing emotions and accepting love from other people as well as get close with them. Before,I have a very strong fear if abandonment thinking othet people will leave me anyway so there is no point to get close because you can't control people if they want to leave, they will leave. So instead of getting close with people I put my energy on the things that are tangible and hence I can control like accumulating money, knowledge and things. Though I accumulate this things I don't really care about it, I just use it as an excuse to be busy and avoid relationships. But when in my journey to become secured, I challenge this core belief by making more close friends, sharing my deepest fears, experiences and emotions to others as well as getting close with God. I challenge my fears if it is real or just exist in my imagination. Though despite my having secured attachment I still need alone time to process my emotions. Sometimes I go to nature and sit with my emotions and meditate about things. I also plan and initiate going out with friends to spend time with them. I also train myself to do hugs, saying affectionate words like I miss you. At first it feels cringe until it became normal to me.
It took me 3 years to become secured, so it did not come easy but it is worth it.
I can relate. I never knew I was FA and for my whole life I was clinging to APs through my anxious part. They almost destroyed my health and sense of self. Never again. I’ve never been so happy as now, in an evolving situationship with DA. Yes not all of the time. Yes I fall back into betrayal trauma constantly. But healing momentum we gained from the start - is better than ever
So hard. You need to understand the avoidant, meet their needs, validate their needs, see & acknowledge how your responses sometimes triggers the avoidant, show them safety, be patient, don’t respond with any type of passion which can be misunderstood as volatility, IT IS SO TAXING! You can tell them your own needs but make sure you understand the avoidant is most likely not going to really do much to meet your needs. It will pretty much be their way or no way.
i feel you're describing not only dismissive avoidant, but all relationships with other people. relying on others to meet your needs is codependency. As you said it is hard and quite taxing. i agree, and i've found it to be usually (read: always) never worth it not only to yourself, as one abandons themselves, but also to the other person you seemly care about, as you're pushing needs onto them that are literally impossible for them to meet and that no one asked or wants to cares to attempt to meet. one MUST rely on themselves and meet their own needs, lest one become codependent and toxic.
@@EverybodysBaby Your assertion is that of the DA. INTERDEPENDENCE is what a healthy relationship demands. Being able to rely on another person to meet your needs while knowing that if they don't that you are able to meet them yourself is what is required. You are saying that any dependence in a relationship equates to codependence and that is simply not true. That's exactly what a DA would say.
@@gavinbrooke That is exactly what I am saying. As a (recovering) FA, when I've activated in the past I would notice I had become bothersome and needy. Despite knowing I can meet and meeting those needs at other times without burdening or pestering others. I've yet to encounter a definition or explanation that differentiates INTER- and C0- dependency; Merely stating one is the healthy version, without elaboration. So I remain aspiring to the DA as a model for respectful, safe, and healthy relationships looking forward, as of right now.
@@EverybodysBaby Lol, man that's a messed up way of looking at it. Interdependenc is simply being secure enough to be able to see others needs and not be burdened by them while also being able to acknowledge and express one's own needs, knowing that if those needs are not met, one can meet them on their own. Why on earth you think that one of the most damaging attachment styles to relationships there is, is a superior is beyond me. Also, a FA does not become activated, they deactivate thier attachment systems when stressed. Any avoidant will see the expression of need - which is normal and healthy when balanced- as neediness.
@@gavinbrooke I definitely don't disagree that it's a messed up, honestly its like an ink stain on my otherwise mostly positive outlook haha! Thank you for the correction for my misuse of the terminology, when I said I "activated" I was alluding to when I am interested in someone romantically (though at times platonicly as well). When I am interested, weather expressed or not, I am not proud of how I want to bother them nor how often they come into my mind. I am glad and proud to meet my friend's and partner's needs, as it makes me feel of value and closer to them. Most adults are able to meet most of their needs, because of this as I'm learning more, I've come to believe the AA to be the most damaging attachment style, as they're seemingly most likely to completely abandon themselves, whilst also completely burdening the other. The DA's main flaw seems to me that they can be close-minded and slow to want to grow and improve, so I'm curious as to how you've come to the opposing conclusion. Everyone has needs; if they weren't expressed and met, we would die! I see pushing one's need onto others, particularly when you can meet said needs yourself (going to the doc isn't neediness lol), as neediness. I have trouble why one would nuisance others, who have lives and their own needs to meet, with that extra burned, ESPECIALLY if they're people you care about. I want to make their lives easier if anything, not actively make their lives more difficult or worse! [Thank you for being patient with me and replying!]
This sounds like so much work. I’d rather be single.
As a DA, please don’t give up on us. I’m aware of how exhausting it must be but trust me we’re not having fun either. Having to put our guards up all the damn time due fear of vulnerability is so tiring. I just wanna heal.
Ohh no.... Tired? That must hurt so bad compared to un reciprocated love and being taken for granted while the avoidant romanticizes about their ex so you can never live up to their expectations. And shuts down when you stand up for yourself. Then gets tired of trying and quits... Lol man oh man. It must be painful hurting every one
Are you sure you want to give me hope lol
I’m a DA and been trying to heal for ages.
Stay away from us. I promise it’s better for you and for us. DA should only date DA
Nope. The second I notice this horrible dynamic we are out
Female DAs are usually having short term hookups before they come back.
No thanks
Wow.... spot on im a female DA and this is literally word for word... its so hard to fix this 😥 I actually really try but i dont have a clear way of showing or receiving love so after awhile i just dont. then i cant meet my needs or anyones needs but if im alone, i dont need to worry about that. i can just meet my own needs without having to rely on anyone and thats always been easier for me
These thoughts and experiences are a result of your childhood environment where you were invisible, uncared for, and ignored.
If a parent was unable or unwilling to be emotionally available, to mirror and tune into you when you were a small child- helpless and dependent on them. You likely felt invisible as a kid. Parents are our first teachers of love- how to be loved, what love is, etc.
Many people slowly realize that their romantic partners most resemble a negligent or abusive parent, and that they are only repeating the past in the present.
Even our thoughts and inner voices may sound like them.
That's very deep that sounds accurate
Agreed
What if your partner is consistent in displaying love for you and genuinely loves you.
You don’t value them?
You don’t appreciate?
If your partner scratches your back, can you not scratch their back in return?
Help me understand
I wonder if you had a worse childhood, how did your parents treat you at that period of time, did they give you emotional attachment or care about your emotional need?
Avoidants love language is compliments and act of service...doing anything else and you're just pushing her away.
That’s wild so I got to be her fan and then by doing that she gets turned off because then I’m being too nice so you’re in a lose lose
Damn I thought their love language was shutting down and not talking about their emotions
so that the DA can turn around and interpret compliments as simping and acts of service as being their house bitch? 😂
Acts of service definitely- Compliments not so much. DA's grew up with a caretaker that they could not trust so we tend to believe actions long before words.
I appreciate the effort you make in treating everyone with respect and understanding.. We should all be doing that and i think most people here are. However, to anyone reading this.. Please don't make any effort whatsoever to help a DA unless they are willing to help themselves first (and have done so for a good part). You cannot love a person that doesn't love him/herself (you will be blocked from doing so), and a person who doesn't love him/herself cannot possibly love another person (for he/she will be blocked from doing so). That's simply the dynamic any avoidant creates and you will be nothing more than collateral damage.
I love a female DA. It has been confirmed by mutual friends and simply everything that happened that she loves me as well. However, she is a DA, and therefore unable to accept that love. I advise anyone in a similar position as i to allow the DA to ruin everything, not only for your relationship but for herself as well. It may seem harsh and it is heartbreaking but there is *nothing* that you can do to help her whatsoever. Don't think you can provide her with information about what's going on and that she'll say "oh, i see!". Some perspectives need to be learned, not given.
You may have your hopes, the ability to love her.. you may see it as something simple (and it is), but the brain is unable to distinguish anything between real and fake threats. This is even more so for a DA, i believe. You have no choice but to give up and watch someone you love potentially ruin her life for good. The only two alternatives are: you try to fix things and she'll ruin your life along with hers.. or you both work on yourselves and can save a relationship (but this is an ideal hope, not reality. You'd be a fool to bet your money on this, just like i was).
There is also the case that, inspite of why she is doing this to you (which you can feel empathy for), there is also the fact that she simply is doing all of this to you. I'm sorry but nobody should sacrifice themselves in order to be treated by someone who will only hurt you. Again, i'm sorry but.. anyone who is so severely damaged and is unwilling to take responsibility will simply fade out. They'll be nothing but a shell of the potential they have, and so will you if you dare to continue loving a DA. They are unreliable, and they are simply not safe.
To any DA reading this, there is nothing wrong with you as a person, regardless of what happened. You are a person and you are deserving to love and to be loved. You only need to walk towards all the things you are running away from (just like everyone else). Take risks, dare to allow your genuine feelings to be seen by yourself and others. Accept that you have them, and you will provide the permission for others to accept you as well.
You are seeing this through YOUR eyes and it is very sad. I'm sorry that happened to you but people are not 100% defined by their attachment style. If you go in assuming they can't be fixed and probably won't change--guess what will manifest? They won't be fixed and they won't change. Your subconscious assumptions and beliefs dictate how your life unfolds, believe it or don't--makes no difference to me but that is ACTUALLY how life works.
The first two minutes of this video may have changed my life. I actually might not want to chase her when she does not want to put in the work, put in the effort. Thank you, Thais. You've said this a thousand times and I just felt the answer today.
Yes, me too, but it is hard to move on
Leave
Just give it time. Leave her alone and she'll act like an anxious attachment style person
Look at attachment Styles as attachment Strategies. That's what it should be called in the first place.
That's the most important thing she said Kurt. If they aren't showing up it's a fool's errand.
As a husband to a DA I have watched every video of yours and it’s been extremely validating and insightful. However, it seems that based on what you have said it is the PARTNER of the DA that needs to do all the work and the DA is just wounded. In my experience a DA is cold, neglectful, defensive, emotionally ignorant. When and how is the DA accountable for how they are? Where is the material on how the DA can be better?
If it gives you any hope, not all of us DA's are just blind to how we are. I've noticed for myself when I look for help, it's a lot of slander instead of how to get better. And most attachment theory specialist seem to focus more on anxious attachements. We basically just get told we're all narcs and not really given a chance.
Also, as a DA woman I don't often see people talking about us since most avoidants are men. So we get left out of the convo on how to heal.
Is she really a DA or did you diagnose her as one?
At least you did your due diligence with researching. Does she know this? Being seen, understood, acts of loyalty, cared for is so accurate.
Sigh* as a DA working on herself.. I’m not sure if this is something I can overcome. I always feel like I have 1 foot out the door no matter what. The desire to be alone is always there.
I knew nothing about attachment styles before dating what I now know was a dismissive avoidant female. I was absolutely blindsided. She was pursuing me and consistently reaching out for months. First few dates were amazing and as soon as I started showing signs that I cared, POOF flakiness, pullback, and eventually she said she wasn’t ready for a relationship and call off our dating. We got into an argument and that was the end of that. Should’ve just walked away, but even then, now knowing what I know now...any relationship with her would’ve been doomed from the start.
So sad, but now I know all about these attachment styles
my friend that was not a Da. That was a narc.
" I knew nothing about attachment styles before dating what I now know was a dismissive avoidant female." Haha join the team mate. Half the blokes on here are exactly the same as you. Couldn't figure out why everything was so mental and screwed up...scoured UA-cam, then found this.We all got addicted to their disfunction.
Wow same here!! I didn’t know about attachment styles until I dated a DA. And she just vanished…LOL
same here
I’m married to a woman who I’m pretty sure is DA (im new to this) I love her and will til the death of me but damn she wasn’t like this for the first 5 years just for this last year. Can she go back to how she used to be or will she stay this way? It’s the most emotionally painful shit ive ever went thru I just want the loving and kind woman I was married to for 5 years back…
Apologies, I had to timestamp this for myself because I AM a female dismissive avoidant and I'll be returning to this video over and over again 4:05
Did u break up with your partner?
Thank you for the time stamp 🙏🏼
I was with a fearful avoidant for eight years. She is an ACOA and an abusive victim. I loved her every day of that time. She broke it off after four years for reasons that made no sense. I was never good enough. She came back after three months and things were great. Then, her ex abusive husband died, and she became distant again. She began to idolize him, although he abused her and her girls. We finally got married in April. She and her girls started to move in, then suddenly told me she had a change of heart. The trigger was actually the “no turning back” of moving in. I have been devastated beyond words. Having a hard time just getting through each day now.
Hope you’re doing better now dude…
I communicated my needs as they were not being met, after I noticed she was slow fading me. She said that she couldn’t give me what I needed and dumped me. Awesome!
B the Change Hi. Thanks for the wise response. I appreciate those kind words. I was being strung along for quite a while, trying to feel comfortable with feeling uncomfortable before I concisely and clearly stated my needs and that I wanted to share the possibility of a future with her. She didn’t see it that way. Too much pressure.
@@Alphacentauri819 I agree. In my case, my DA ex just told me she thought I wasn't manly enough, attacked my self esteem and made me question my self-worth. If she just told me she couldn't meet my needs and go away, it wouldn't hurt so much- but she almost destroyed me. 😔
Don't take it personally. It's their M.O.
They all do that.
@@Alphacentauri819 1
Honestly. I hate to say it, but female dismissive avoidants are the most difficult people in the world to have a healthy relationship with. It's near impossible. They unnecessarily create drama, kill intimacy, create distance, do things to hurt you. I understand it's not intentional and we shouldn't take it personally, but it's so heartbreaking when someone you love does such harmful and hurtful things. This is a relationship where two people are focused on one's needs. You can express your needs, and communicate clearly in a healthy manner, and you will be discarded. They are incapable of having real emotional bonds, commitment, intimacy, etc. It is so heartbreaking because during the initial phases of getting to know these people, they are so loving and open and caring, and seem to have such high potential. Eventually, their fears show up and these female avoidants end up self sabotaging and killing the relationship.
@@ronmexico8383 it's so frustrating and so heartbreaking 😔😢 because u know deep down what a wonderful person they are they just become very selfish as the relationship continues and as long as ur "giving" believe they're "taking" most times we get takin for granted and wether or not they realize or even care what they have lost or are losing is still a question in my mind🤷🏼♂️
Spot on it’s really hurtful
Wow
This is so sad to read for you guys. I'm into a 6 month stint and be done over 4 times already. And like an idiot went back for more. I'm on day 3 of no contact. She's blocked but emails daily. As for the longer term people, I'm so sorry. Thoughts and love are with you. Wish I could help. Now when I go find another woman I need to check she's safe...
@@joeleggett425 they have always been selfish. My foolish choice to be with my gf --she actually warned me in the beginning “I’m very selfish”
She love bombed me for the first 3 years … the past 4 have been heart wrenching for me. I’m a giver and helper by nature. I fell in love with a DA / narcissistic girl.
I feel hurt, foolish and I’m exhausted mentally emotionally and physically.
I have given until I have no more to give .
Why do I love her so much.
I’ve never been In a position where I walk away from someone I love so truly.
It’s killing me inside
This is the exact thing I couldn't work out about six months ago. It grieves me that I didn't know this. I lost a good friend to this.
My DA gf of 5 years and I recently called it quits. I enjoy your channel, and i have tried to follow much of the advise you have given. The problem is that my gf would stonewall so much, and go dark for sometimes days, that even tryimg to communicate with her was almost impossible. When we did communicate, it ended up being through text message. It eventually ended by her telling me she had "no more space for my feelings". After being told that, what choice is there, other than to just not reply, and assume its over, which is what ultimately happened. After 3 months of no contact, i attempted to reconnect, but that was probably a mistake, as it just reaffirmed my original decision. Staying single might be the best way to go.
Not only do we need to understand how avoidants work, we also need to understand how girls work. It’s so hard
only a true bottom feeder ,aware of what an avoidant is ,would try to have relationship with them.
Holy f. After watching bazillion hours of yt videos, psychology lectures and useless relationship coaching buzz. finally I found something on point.
I'm DA and she's a DA, and my needs and wants are similar to hers. But she's more extreme than i am, but i understand so much more about her because everything you said about her i resonate with as a guy. And i'm closer to secure on the dismissive avoidant scale, but i really get it. My needs align with hers in so many ways, that i think my advantage is that we can understand how similar we are and how we can become secure together. The messed up thing is, she did all the stuff you said to me, and i appreciated it, but i didn't get it. It worked and made me love her, but i didn't know i should have done it too. She always told me how she admired my confidence and extraversion, and always doubled checked that i still wanted to go every time we went out and if i wanted to cancel it would be okay. And her empathy was amazing, based on her own experiences, and i just wish i did the same. And now i can, and i know what to do, but i just hope she comes back from the space she needed. If she does, i won't give up.
my two DA experience was more like an old married couple. want you in the house but not in the same room. wanting space was expressed by silient hostility. i think what people don't understand is everything DA comes from the subconscious. brain chemistry floods the body with stress hormone. for me DA is unfixable. I will always be a sigma male.
These thoughts and experiences are a result of your childhood environment where you were invisible, uncared for, and ignored.
If a parent was unable or unwilling to be emotionally available, to mirror and tune into you when you were a small child- helpless and dependent on them. You likely felt invisible as a kid. Parents are our first teachers of love- how to be loved, what love is, etc.
Many people slowly realize that their romantic partners most resemble a negligent or abusive parent, and that they are only repeating the past in the present.
Even our thoughts and inner voices may sound like them.
Ye nah I couldn’t do it, never felt so alone in my life. Its fine though you live and you learn.
Save yourself... run!!!
This is the best and most detailed relationship dynamic channel out there. Spot on and very helpful! Thank you for making this stuff available :)
Thank you so much for emphasize to concern about our well-being first instead of just manipulating to get the outcome we desire.
I've been all scary if i am being manipulative and don't know how to not being so. Thank you for giving this information about how to put everything in place. Thank you so much, Thais.
never clicked this fast!
you can't fix the heart of this problem. walk away.
You’re videos just keep getting better and better! This is one of my favorites! (Said the DA/FA) This helps me understand myself better too. Thank you, Thais. 💞
I didn’t make today’s live and look forward to watching it soon. I’m taking sometime to be with nature, in the trees. ⛺️ 🦅 💦 🦋
As a former dismissive avoidant (now "earned secure") I say: where were you 5, 6 years ago?? 🙂. So true about the initial deficit, relationships seemed for a very long time like an extra job, so true about the love languages and the "being understood" part. I would add that I was actively working on my stuff in relationships and when I expressed very CLEARLY my needs my exes were dumbfounded or just shrugged it off, maybe cause they had a certain image in their head about me so it hit a wall each time (same happened with a former therapist...).
How are you feeling today about yourself? Do you think it helped you in general as a person to gain wisdom and tools?
@Ocean Flower I was an observer as a kid and still am like that, so I had some insight into my behaviour and those around me and I used it to course correct in time. By the time I got to see a therapist (20 years after highschool) we evaluated together and I had acquired on my own with experience some secure qualities, like: conflict resolution, stopped running from conflict at 20 yo, an abundance mindset, you're ok I'm ok, I offered quality presence in my relationships even if still weary of commitment (fiancée twice, broke it off..), was willing to state my needs but there were still a lot of limiting beliefs like not getting support from others, lack of consistency and understanding from others, conflicting lifestyles choices etc.. which is what I was working on with a therapist.
Georgi Fran okay I see 😊😊 it seems you worked a lot on improving yourself in this part of your life over the years 😊 I’m happy to hear this! The beliefs we have are so important
Ocean Flower it is hard for every attachment to change.. because we’re used to our coping mechanism from so long 😅 probably it’s right to think it takes time.. being patient in the process is fundamental to not lose faith that things can get better 😊
Ocean Flower I mean to leave our typical coping mechanisms is hard.. I meant this.. for some it will be easier to move into secure depending from where they started..
(I’m a FA ) I guess you too? Considering you said you got more avoidant with the time but you aren’t a DA?
One point you touched on described exactly what I've been struggling with lately. Having come out of what could be considered a vacation from my feelings, I started to reflect on old patterns and behavior through the lens of attachment theory. An inevitable struggle at some point in the majority of my relationships (romantic, friendship, family, work) is the imbalance that occurs as the relationship progresses and my partner's (very reasonable and very normal) wants and needs start to outweigh what I'm asking for (virtually non existent)
This would be amazing if someone came at me with understanding me, rather than constantly with their excessive needs and demands. This would feel really good.
Why go through so much work when you can just look for someone with a secure attachment style?
maybe they are not excessive and not demanding, and its just your perception as a DA. DA's will see normal needs as being excessive and burdensome. As the partner if a DA, I'm expected to be understanding, aknowledge their need for space, meet their needs for reliability and safety, not talk about feelings or anything of depth, yet my needs are seen as unwieldy demands and and neediness. I'm exhausted trying to keep the relationship solvent and managing the emotional demands of the relationship while I'm seen as a nothing but a needy, demanding burden for wanting - gasp - reciprocity.
@@gavinbrooke you’re not meant to do anything, if you don’t like the DA than leave. Nobody is forcing you to stay with a DA. You all go on and on about how everything is the DA’s fault when truthfully you can only blame yourself for sticking around for so long. Also, stop projecting your own experiences on to other DA’s
@@Camig1708 And just like a DA, you feel triggered by percieved criticism because you don't like seeing your own damaging relationship behavior mirrored back to you. I feel for avoidants...it must suck always feeling like intimacy and emotions are a lead weight around your neck when in a relationship. Save the victimization card for someone who hasn't had to deal with it for years for the sake of my children's financial health. Sometimes walking away is more complicated than DA's like to pretend everything is. Why hasn't my DA wife walked away either?
Holy @#$% everything you say is so on point it's scary. The possibility of such a deep level of understanding of this stuff fills me with so much hope and optimism for the future of my relationship. Thank you so much for making this information available for free to anyone.
Don't let it. Avoidants will drive you insane.
My experience with a female DA was the needle would move just a little. So you get a little optimistic and you keep going. Then they retreat back to their safe zone. Back to square one. Now I think Im a DA cause I just don't want to deal with relationships.
Yeah dealing with DAs make you start to take on their traits as you match and mirror to get along with them.
Experience enough rejection and you could become Fearful Avoidant or even D.A.😢😢😢😢😢
This is your best video yet and is so powerful to someone in this situation. As a personal development school student I can honestly say their is so much to learn about your self before you try to learn about someone else> this video then combines a high level of understanding and gives you options with the outcome 100% positive no matter what. Beautiful. Thank you so much Thais
Many people feel very anxious in their relationship, because their partner avoids emotional intimacy. Despite how frustrating the avoidant partner may appear, not everything can be blamed on them.
Blame is for god and small children, Leave!!!!!
Her needs were to chat to other guys and keep them a secret from me. Because I was not ok with this she was the one that was upset and broke up.
I have that problem. I know they don't care so I feel safe
@lavendermom318 the thing is, they do care. They all want you, even if they are pretending just to be friends, their ultimate goal is to be with you.
This helps me understand myself so much better. Thank you.
So happy to hear that - PDS team
Sounds like her so much. How have I been dumped so many times before, yet this is the first time it’s tearing me apart?
DAs are cool and mysterious. Your comment is a year old, how did it go in the end?
@@aix83 I eventually accepted I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. I haven't heard from her, but life has a sense of humor. She showed up at my new place of work once, not knowing I worked there, and the look on her face was priceless. She'd seen a ghost and scrambled to find a pathetic excuse of a question on a product despite that I was walking past her. It said to me she probably still can't communicate in healthy ways and I'm better off. I hate to admit it, but she's not the person I saw in her and she doesn't want to be. Underneath her issues, I still think she wants to be, but she just isn't my problem anymore. I've had some relationships since, and I learned a lot from it, and am grateful for the experiences. I still wish I knew entirely why I was so damn heartbroken like I've never been before, but it doesn't matter enough yet. I'll get it worked out when I get it worked out, but for now I'm focusing on wielding the pain in productive ways, because I was a worse person with her. I still hope she's well. She deserves so much more than she gives herself credit for and it makes me a little sad thinking how little she seemed to want for herself.
@@margurkatyberius hey thanks a lot for replying! The little story you shared about her showing up and having a surprise to see you there made me laugh. I feel for DAs but their leaving a trail of emotional corpses in their wake should indeed pay. Yes, if she's not working on herself, that's irresponsible of her and you're better off. In our defense (yours and mine), we believed in them because the people they have the potential to become are always in there. But we can't be friends or SOs with potential. I was incredibly heartbroken by a DA, like you describe, and I think it's because I realize they have no reason to shun me. People always like me, I make friends easily, so the heartbreak came with shock and incredulity. It was hard to accept what was going on but it was also literally hard to believe. Saying it in case it works the same for you.
@@aix83 eh guys.. on behalf of DA’s.. yeah we are damaged. : /
My mother left me alone at home at 7 yrs old at night at times.. and also on the side of the road a few times as “punishment” at 7/8 years old. 💁🏻♀️
my Dad died when I was 14 heroin overdose.
Just like a few examples what causes an FA/DA.
We are just damaged and need so much more. It sucks. : /
@@paniq_fnite I'm very sorry to hear about what happened to you. I didn't say DAs are damaged. In my case, I don't think my friend had trauma anywhere near this extent, but he surely caused me harm. DA can also be caused by a mix of genetic disposition and extreme shyness in childhood, not necessarily by abuse.
Wow in minute 13 you’re blowing my mind Re how the DA needs to be affirmed via gifts, words but if it’s too good they lose trust
I divorced a DA. You can never reach them. When they see you’re truly done they finally show up to the party but they’re too late. Then they put it all on you and say you didn’t try hard enough. You can’t win. Walk away before you’re both too damaged.
Love what you do, you’re so intelligent and I love it. Makes me proud to be a woman 🥰
Amazing!! Thank you so much for your kind words :)
That’s a lovely compliment!
Absolutely agree! I get so much help from these videos. 💞
She's a woman to be proud if for sure!
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool many of us are wondering about time frames for this approach
As a DA, everything you just described sounds absolutely romantic to me. I felt swept away just imagining it. 10 days of that before meeting and all the small gifts. If you want a DA back this is the way.
I think it depends on the person. By day three I'd think it was sketchy
Yeah, but then when it worked and you got intimacy you'd freak out and run, go into one of your DA holes.
@@marcd2743😂 “DA holes”.
Dear Thais, this has been the video that I have craved for and waited for a long time but I am happy to say that now I will give it a go and give myself the time to re engage my ex and start building that bridge of connection. Cause like you mentioned, I truly believe deep in my gut that we will have another opportunity but because of how I’ve change and developed myself for the better, I trust that this will work!
Thank you soooooo much 🙏😊
Jeremy how has it panned out a year on ?
@@terrysteward I guess since he didn’t respond, I assume it didn’t go well…
Jeremy when you can please give us some feed back… would gratefully appreciate it
This is excellent insightful information on how to manage the relationship with my DA in separation. Thank you, this helps me own up to my behaviors in the past.
Yeah, all the things you did wrong and need to change because you are so bad. eye role. Bro, they are completely broken and have a personalty disorder. They make everyone codependent to take care of their special needs.
After being with my DA boyfriend, now, Iam a DA. Never want to be in another relationship 😕
Bingo 7:14 I was the ignored middle child. I was just forgotten a lot of times, but I realized being quiet and not speaking up was better than expressing needs within the family dynamic, so as to not get yelled at or in trouble. It was better to just take care of myself in a sense and not bother anyone else. During arguments with my parents, if we said anything, we would get screamed at and sometimes smacked. So I learned to not speak at all during any arguments, shut down immediately, no eye contact or you might get physically hurt. This is spot on too 14:32 If someone wants to make fun of me or say that keeping me safe is wrong, then I'm out. There is no coming back from that.
This video is really optimistic and positive but unfortunately it is also very unrealistic. DA’s are hard wired an just cannot commit EVER! They usually have narcissistic tendency’s as well. If you have fallen into a relationship it will end soon enough and there is nothing you can do about it. The more you love them the more it will repel them. They cannot empathise. They don’t make good mothers either. ( I know from experience). They withhold affection from their children and turn them into little DAs with no self esteem. They hate they are like it but the cannot help it. They will break your heart and move on in a week with someone new. ( they will sabotage that relationship too don’t worry) They are masters at internalising feelings and won’t feel bad. You will never hear from them again cause DA’s never usually reach out again. Have some self respect and gtfo while you can and concentrate on someone who deserves your wonderful love. Don’t waste another second trying to fix something that can’t be fixed. A DA will ruin your life especially if you are anxious.
Soo, as a DA woman, i feel like every man just wants to sleep with me, so they put on this show of love and interest. Which is cool, I'm down for the bs too untillll I start feeling something, then the whole thing needs to be thrown away. 🤷🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️
I think the same too and only realize that I hurt the other person after I leave them and wonder why they act cold towards me. It turns out, people just want positive attention and energy and responsiveness. All of which is extremely difficult for a DA, especially to be engaged and accept and receive.
@Jeff Robertson I’m an AA but I e learned enough about DA’s to know that using the word “defective “ towards a DA is one of the worst things you can do. It stomps on one of their most painful core wounds. I’m sure you can find a much gentler way to rephrase your comment.
@Maevna omggg lovely, I’ve truly healed as well. It definitely was a self fulfilling prophecy caused by a chronic pain disease that is in remission. My entire life has changed; I feel more in control of myself now, so no reason to automatically push people away as a default.
@@chesleysnotebook537 I can relate, how did you healed the belief? I mean I get it rationally and in context of other people...when it comes to myself idk why someone would want to be with me.... For me? You know what I mean?
@@fireshine4105 for me it was realising my true value and identity..once i realised who i am..now I'm like who wouldn't want to be with such a lovely person like me?...maybe when you truly realise who you are and decide to intentionally give people a chance to get to know the real you, you will feel a lot more confident seeing how others recognise and value you for who you are....also give yourself a chance to see what a situation could evolve into without sabotaging it beforehand because of percieved "what if" outcomes...this helped me enormously so hope it helps you too..
When a person is being * dismissive * and/or they're * avoiding * you, that's your clue that they don't want you - move on - stop labeling them, stop stalking them, and stop trying to lure them back into your life.
lots of videos on dark psychology. push and pulling of emotions makes a person addicted. hard to break up and move on. drug like.
Obsessing, exploiting and wrecking the life of another person is sadistic.
Not true at all. I’m in a relationship with a DA rn and feels like a stand still because we both love each other greatly, but there is so much childhood trauma to unpack to make it work.
@@harrison3081 What's true for you is not necessarily true for the rest of us - keep that in mind when you see other people have given a thumbs up to the original comment which is to say "That's true" and then you come along with your sad love story ... which is another failure ... in communication and unresolved psychological issues which most of us are all too familiar with - after decades of hearing the horror stories from disastrous hostage situations that they thought were "relationships" but in retrospect they realized they were being exploited and abused - but because of the childhood abuse they had suffered - for way too long - they failed to notice the warning signs - until it was way too late.
Claiming to love someone is not the same as actually loving someone.
When someone is avoiding a " relationship " ... that is not a relationship. Try to remember that.
@@WhirledPublishing take your own advice. What’s true for you is not necessarily true for the rest of us. You made a statement that generalizes a way to interpret certain behavior. I said that’s not true. My comment was quite literally pointing out the contents of your latest reply.
I've found that acts of service are ignored by female DA's. As well as gifts ("PRESSURE! PRESSURE! PRESSURE!") They want to endlessly repeat their claims of how you failed them.
It's very hard dealing with a female DA...
Timestamps for me:
4:05 - start
5:15 - female DA will start at a deficit of energy and compromise
6:30 - need to properly and early on express needs, so it doesn't happen randomly and female DA shuts down
6:45 - feels like partner communicating needs is an assault on the independence
7:45 - make your boundaries clear. No manipulation. Clear boundaries
8:36 - write down everything you would need for the relationship to work, and express it
9:11 - re-approach the individual. Make female DA feel understood. 10:44 you need to understand them
10:40 - why what I did make you feel a certain way and shut down (NB!!!)
11:43 - needs their needs acknowledged first before you say yours
13:26 - bring gift and show you care when you have talk, female DA love language
14:08 - want you to repeat original convo to show you understand. Make feel heard.
14:40 - what you should say as the follow-up, and say how you want to do that
14:57 - follow up again by saying how you know you didn't communicate things in-time. Go back to step one and say your boundaries and needs
15:18 - keep saying needs even if the person doesn't meet them
16:30 - keep communicating needs and reinforce when they meet them
16:55 - keep checking in that you're meeting their needs. Communicate gently
17:20 - show you understand them, and be patient with them
17:45 - could have moved on in their mind before they fully ended relationship
18:14 - create deadline to know the person is done and has lost feelings, walk away knowing you tried your best
Needed this. Right on time.
I love your explanations of the attachment styles and how to better communicate with each.
I recommend you to dr adu a man who can help you manifest,whoever you want to manifest♥️♥️♥️
He helped me restore back my relationship two days ago without delay💯💯
WhatsApp him"***
+234:814:079:9323/##
Hard to want to extend the olive branch to someone who’s pushed you away already.. it’s exhausting. Do we just wait for them to heal one day themselves?
Screw that!
No leave
They never heal.
I hear ya. My ex said maybe someday she will be in abetter state and things can get back where they were. Fun, romatic, stressfree. But when? Who knows.. its been 7 months for me. I work with her. Just have to work on myself for my own sake. Still nice but giving her the space. No boyfriend benefits , lunches, hugs etc.
@@inspiredx3866 you're a bigger man that I am. Mine had a 3 month "funk" the first year together and then constant little cold/ warm phases.. when she started another cold phase I left her after 3 months of no touching. I had enough of my needs of intimacy being neglected. I hope you the best
For me this was one of you best talks, thx!
My Ex DA didn't understand giving in a relationship. One time she bought shirts from the store and asked me to pay for them instead of giving them to me as a gift. After paying for the shirts, she then realised it was a wrong gesture, she chose to go cold and ghosted me for months.
Beat thing to do is to give them exactly what they want....space and time. Act like an Avoidant. Use her own attachment style aka strategy and she'll act like an anxious attachment
I blocked that b
@@sala320 lmfao
or you will turn into an avoidant by mirroring.
Very unhealthy
Breaking up with you is a boundary to respect too! We already decided for ourselves in that case
What if things were just misunderstood and there was a deep bond? I think it's worth trying to understand people we love and would like my DA ex to feel supported and understood. I totally understand your point on breaking up as a boundary to be respected.. also I believe that sooner or later people in love need to learn to work through conflicts and a good connection can be restored with some understanding.
Derik Everett what do you mean you would like your ex DA to feel supported and understood? By doing what?
yes maybe there was a deep bond but the same the person decided to break up for other reasons.. it doesn’t mean it wasn’t an important story or that she didn’t care
@@kate7932 That's a great question. Simply saying I understand her needs for those things isn't really demonstrating that I am doing those things is it? I guess the idea was to show awareness that I understand that she needs to feel those things in order to feel safe and that criticism and not communicating my needs and feelings didnt help. I want her to feel she was good enough. I would like her to feel like I get her as a person and help her feel like I'm on the same page she is and not put pressure on getting back together. The goal is to bridge the gap in her feeling like I dont get her so she would be drop her guard and feel comfortable with me again. Any tips on this are welcomed.
@@mindfulsticks you didn't do anything wrong. And I wouldn't listen to this person . Yes. Respect the boundaries and be gone . If someone cares that little to just walk from your life and not discuss anything, what more do you need? She will do it again . And sadly with cell phones and dating apps women have more attention than ever In history..you're seeing what the effect is. Just walk away with your head held high. And say nothing..you'd be shocked how powerful that is. Women's currency is attention. Don't give any.
After 20 years of marriage, and being in a relationship for 23 years, my wife left with the kids. It was finally brought to my attention she is a dismissive avoidant. She experienced several traumas, including the death of her mother. She has all the signs of depression/midlife crisis. My question is, how do I attract her back with her being in midlife crisis, in addition to her being a dismissive avoidant. I don’t recognize who she is at this time in our life. Her eyes are black any advice, greatly appreciated. I’m praying for reconciliation for children, her and myself thank you for anyone who chooses to, or give advice.
It been is a nightmare, for 15 years, I only stayed in connection for the children!. How can you be in a relationship with someone who says it's not me it's you each and every time. Who is happy to only connect over paying the bills and paying for the house to be renovated, for paying off their debts. Don't try leaving, it's not worth the effort leave, leave, find someone who is not high maintenance leave, leave, leave !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Great advice. Although it's a heck of a lot to try and communicate via text message.
I'm blocked everywhere after being told that she wasn't happy and wants me to be happy and to let her go after 7 years together :(
Sound like she could have BPD
Amazing video. Thank you Thais. This explains my relationship so clearly.
Ive been broken up with my ex for nearly one year.. But I still want her back. I feel as though ive grown a lot as a person, and still am. I kind of tried some of this myself without any guidance though, just felt like the right thing to do, but I also know that I was too emotional at times, and too forward at others. I have been working on my self control and confidence. It is funny what she said at the end of the video, part of me did feel better just that I tried so hard to fix things even though it didnt work. I stopped trying when everything I was doing was just making things worse. That was before I sought professional help. Idk if I will ever get her back, she is young, and maybe I just met her too soon, or she needs time to grow, but the love we had, that I feel is real, and id do anything to heal things between us, even change myself for the better, if there's a chance.
Thank you
Unsolicited advice:
Start looking into "limerance". Specially the videos that Thais has released on it. If you are a member of her school, watch the entire 2 hour webinar on it.
I was where you are. I spent a whole year in that place... Multiple times in multiple relationships if I'm honest with myself.
Digging into limerance and how it has effected me has been one of the most beneficial things i have done for myself.
@@ghostinside
Thanks for sharing. Ive heard of it, and I agree it has definitely affected me. It is like a very powerful drug. But I will have to look into it more. So many things I'm studying now about relationships. I never had any interest in this stuff before.
@@ronmexico8383
Heard the same bit of advice about BPD. Which could be a possibility.
Ah, know that song. Ive been addicted to songs and singing lately. Also "Hold on loosely" gets in my head.
That's the trap with DAs. They are great at exposing your weaknesses and flaws (blessing if you are open to change) but if you let it go unchecked in yourself, you'll endlessly try and change yourself for them, but out will never be good enough because their circuitry is faulty and you'll always end up in the same place and often a worse version.
I'm in such a relationship but it's super difficult when the other person withdraws
DA's will drain you....the ups and downs are ridiculous.let them go. Maybe if you find a person who is willing to do half of the work and reciprocate then awesome....before that save yourself a heartache. Leave! You could be amazing but they wont see it. Dont fall for that. Keep walking
Yup, feeling drained from a DA Babymama, she comes up with the stupidest things to argue about, calls me abusive with zero ground to stand on, and is generally just bi-polar.
this is tough my ex ghosted me back in april.. we were together for a year and 8 months and i find this so difficult because i feel linked to her some how.. i wont think of her at all then randomly ill have a dream.. etc and its like i wanna reach out, but i feel its best if i didn't because i don't wanna lets say start over then i get ghosted again.. i could barely handle it this first time..
It’s not rocket science
We all want to be supported safe secure
We were born for connection and wired to be wanted and loved
It’s really simple people… treat others like you want to be treated
Cute. I said this to myself too before I dated a dismissive avoidant.
If you know how someone is and that they are not capable to meet your requirements for being loved then why bother? There are billions of people on earth, why try to fix something that’s not meant to be fixed by you?
Ohhhh mmyyyy this is exactly me and my female ex!!!!! This all makes sense and it explains a lot about my ex’es “anxiety and thing in her head” I’m F/A and I now see my ex as a D/A. I’ve also started the process of diagnosing Cyclothymia (type of bipolar) now I can see how I can reconcile with my ex…I’m working on me and will use your advice wisely with my ex
My God!
You are 100% describing my gf
Wow!!!
25yrs of this crap, now I’m insane,broke a shell of a man and she thinks she’s normal. You can’t walk away with a broken family and children who are going to have this generational curse with no hurt. Damn it man.
Man up. Boy. 👍🏼
Awesome lecture!
I thought I was just introverted…
As a female DA- PLEASE for the love of life lol if you have a DA in your life let her know you feel like she pushes ppl away/has walls up, as aware as you are 1, we are NOT aware 2 if we are distant & everyone just accepts it we’re both loosing and it’s NOT that we don’t care. it’s just our paralyzing fear of getting close to anyone subconsciously and consciously does anything to physically and mentally push ppl away. i just realized yesterday idk if i know what a connection is or if i know how to be close w anyone after who I thought we were my close friends said I was distant & they thought I didn't care! & i’m 28. Being an avoidant really be ruining my own life-career too 😭😭😭😭
Let her know you hear her, you love her and you care and you want to work on getting closer. and tell her what you need from her
That's all well and good, but when they hear criticism and coercion is every word and project their discomfort back onto you, then its pointless. I'm exhausted carrying the emotional weight of the relationship for someone who is so self-focused that seem unaware of the stresses I endure.
My ex gf sounds like you. She is doomed.. I’m as good a man as she will be able to find, she is not in touch with herself, she will never find someone as warm and loving.. makes me mad she didn’t wake up
@@gavinbrooke she watched me suffer and said nothing for years
@@sala320 But even if she did "wake up" who said she would be this person that you would want her to be. Honestly, I think it takes 1 of 3 things (or all) to change, 1- a therapist, 2 a partner that just meshes well with and 3 TIME. The waking up and changing takes TIME...years! People are habitual and unaware..its take a time of wanting and consciously being reminded that you're going back to the "old" you. One thing that helped me is my therapist told me to question that I associate with this type of attachment style..that has changed me a lot! I no longer am avoidant.. I tell myself "I am open to receiving love" ect ect
@@daniellehedger3644 I told her to get therapy, told her she’s avoidant, sent her multiple times Thais’ videos while we were supposed to be working on us. She didn’t even watch them.. but would scream if I threatened to ice her out. I eventually blocked her but my heart is broken broken.. I suffered for years alone.
Yeah I did this, and before I could even approach the conversation about how wr could better meet each others needs. She broke down in my volunerable talk of the things I've been working on she stonewalled and wasn't willing to share and be volunerable. She admitted that I understood what she was feeling, but when she broke down and stonewalled she just got stuck in feeling there was nothing that could be done right now and as much as she had said she loved me earlier in the conversation, appreciated me sharing the work, wanted to be with me, and that we agreed that this talk wasn't one to decide what we were going to do, she shut down and felt she needed to breakup and wouldn't listen to anything. I'm lost and very confused
How do you figure out what they need if they always say they don’t need anything?
Real talk.
I keep trying to talk to my g/f. She has just shut down on me - she just will not communicate - shes like someone i don't recognise
You don’t, just stop asking at this point. Continue to create a safe space as Thais mentioned, eventually she’ll come to you.
You don't. You move on and take your lumps.
@@kristhomas8295 that's not healthy.
4:06 start
5:10
5:35
7:00
7:30 first, know your own boundaries
8:06
8:40 write down everything I need
9:06 Female respond the most to being understood
10:30 I see
13:10
14:05 14:43
16:23
18:05
U good bro?
It's ridiculous that someone has to be so servile in order to have a DA female in their life. Being a DA is an emotional inbalance that hinders someone. Why would I tell her that she did nothing wrong when she broke someone's heart in a heartbeat for just worrying about themselves? Not looking to be a better, more stable person is doing something wrong.
then shut up and do all that. why do you need to come and flood the comment section of videos like this with nothing but negativity? it makes DAs that are here to change feel unwelcome and unable to participate
@@soulsearcher7077 thank you
@@soulsearcher7077 he probably got his heart broken by a female DA who didn’t have the awareness or willingness to change. You all are the exceptions ❤️
It sounds that way but its more of a toning down and affirmations are something you do in any relationship. It's more of a compromise where you try to help them see that certain needs aren't being met without being overly critical. Which is just communication, an integral part of any relationship. No one responds to negativity. Supporting your partner lets them be more receptive and allow them to love you the way they want to without withdrawing subconsciously. Idk about you but I'd rather my partner be comfortable with me than not putting in any effort and leaving them to stay misunderstood and feeling defective.
@@genesismorales7996 a good analysis, yes sometimes a person has no idea what they're "supposed to be doing", like what does that actually look like. Also, showing/saying/doing too much regarding feelings can make the partner leave because it's "neediness", at least that's how some DA's think and it's a legit concern
6:00 this describes me with my (DA) wife. Especially at 6:40 & following. 7:00 - "the root reason..." 7:33 very strong point! You can't manipulate your way into a healthy relationship.
How are you guys now?
@@mshiferaw significantly better. It’s helped a lot to know why she treated me the way she did. I used to assume all sorts of things were “my fault” and try to fix them from my end. Once I understood it was just the way she related, it was a relief, but also frustrating in a new way because as hard as it is the change yourself, it’s wayyyyy harder to change somebody else! I understand why many people run the other way when they find out about attachment style and that their partner is DA. It seems like the DA can’t possibly learn to value you, and you really wonder why they are still in the relationship. I have to be honest, if I didn’t have a strong relationship with Jesus Christ, I would have ended the marriage on several occasions. I’m not sure how anyone without that help and hope can persevere in such a relationship. But I’ve learned all sorts of things about “boundaries” and how each of us is responsible to the Lord for our own actions. I’m still baffled at times, but at least I don’t feel that I have to carry both sides of the marriage anymore. That alone has been a tremendous relief, and even made my wife, temporarily, chase me! That was nice, but it’s wearing off. A major problem with the DA is that they can adjust to almost any level of detachment! As I mentioned in my earlier post, you can’t manipulate your way to a healthy relationship. But focusing on putting my relationship with God first is everything to me now. It is written, “in Him we live and move and have our existence.” When I obsess over my often bizarre relationship with my wife, it becomes a form of idol worship. By consciously focusing on my pursuit of my eternal relationship, I’m able to let go of the frantic need to improve my marriage. That has helped.
"Acts of service" yes she loves a random cup of coffee or homecooked food .. but i rather her come over to my house and spend time.
Honestly if a DA ends the relationship, she's already done.
Just move on
Or just date someone that is healthy.
I recommend leaving these people they are very bad for your emotional health
Hey, this is such a good fucking video. Geezus.
I just found this video but I did this w my ex da like 3 days ago, I didn’t do it for her I def did it for myself, accountability and self reflection or self realization are big to me.
Run...
Exactly. I keep asking my person if she wants me to even try. No answer.
You can try but you may be untrusted and dismissed. Especially if they wont do the work and you really try Gently and get dismissed due to their fear of vulnerability.
Boy, this video was really helpful. I only wish i had seen it earlier. It may be too late to salvage the relationship at this point.
Thank you Thais! ❤❤❤
May I know when is a good time post break up to start this conversation with my ex? How do I know she is READY to hear all these and have a conversation about the past? Thank you :)
Yes, when should I do this?
Curious of this too. Also, if I gave this convo an attempt but didnt succeed, should I try again with greater awareness (even if she's moved on to someone new). I'd like to demonstrate that I get her and break down any barriers to make it more possible to connect in the future again
why would you guys even want to do that? just let things be as they are. major chances its going to backfire.
What do they do when they shut down? My DA woman has shut down for a week, a weekend, 6 weeks….what is she doing? I know she doesn’t have another lover, so what?
It happened to me in 1985 at that time I didn't even know it existed Avoidant now almost 40 years later the pain continues to haunt me in order to live a somewhat normal life I had to turn off my own feelings for almost 30 years I have not loved others since then I have in that time i did not funt anny love annyore and I am now 64 years old
Starts at 4:05
Hey :) Thank you for this! May I ask exactly WHEN should I start the first step of this conversation (emotional validation, Identifying her needs, showing understanding etc)? Its been just nice 6 weeks after we broke up with minimal contact (she reached out a few times indirectly) and is still rather distant. Should I meet up with her for activities first and then ease this conversation in later? Should I have this conversation during our 1st meet-up? Or should I do this through texting or a phone call even before meeting her? I am not too sure when is the right time to apply all these and talk about our past relationship.
Any help is much appreciated, thank you!
Im wondering this stuff too, though it's farther off. IDK if my ex will genuinely reach out other than in extreme circumstances to check on me. It's been since February since we really talked.
She just wanted to be friends, and although I initially agreed, I couldn't take it, and made things worse in making her feel manipulated, though she never used the word, I know, by how she acted.
I just wish for the good times again, but with better communication!
Any help please?
I am also curious about this. Would love to hear more on the particulars of this.
I really WANT to just write a letter to get it off my chest, and out of the way, but I know that thats probably not the best approach. I may scare her away forever, if i havent already. Ive already tried it before, too, but its difficult to keep it reigned inside. Boundaries, too?
@@dankline9162 dude I feel you. Sounds just like me.
Wow.. On point.. 👌👍
Thanks!
You get me 🥺