Fearful Avoidants & Deactivating: How it Works
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- Опубліковано 30 лип 2024
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In this video I talk about fearful avoidants, their deactivating strategies and how it all works.
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Thank you for watching!
The greatest problem for me as a FA is that whenever I feel this "shutdown" I always question whether it is me and my fears of attachment or the other person just isn't "the right fit" for me. Then I try to seek reassurance for both and I just end up feeling exhausted. I am quite new to relationships and whereas before (when love wasn't reciprocated, or they messed it up in the first 2-3 weeks) it was so much easier to fall in love and I could have romantic feelings for them for years, now when I have someone who wants to love me back (it's happening for the 2nd time in a row), I never feel the butterflies and am constantly in these switches whether I like them or not and always feel a little "stuck".
I am right there with you.
Yeah, I heavily resonate. It’s truly exhausting: How do you communicate with your partner when you’re deactivating whilst being unsure if it’s you that’s the problem or them. If I shared half my thoughts, the person would despise me. The flaw finding is especially prevalent for me. How do I communicate my needs or about my thoughts when they are so cruel towards someone I otherwise have strong feelings for.
8i9😮
I believe this is because as an fa you deep down feel you are unloveable. So when someone isn’t interested, this resonates with you whilst also giving you security in knowing that you will have freedom if you get into a relationship with them. Whereas when you truly love someone and they love you back, you don’t feel worthy of their love so you start questioning whether you actually love them or not and try to self sabotage by deactivating or by flaw finding in them and tricking yourself into believing you don’t actually love them. As the thought of loving them frightens you because you associate love as 1. something you don’t deserve 2. A loss of freedom and independence.
Maybe some of the ROCD literature might help in these instances
It really made me feel closer to you to know that you healed from FA. I wish I could afford your programs but your free videos are helping me so much and I am so grateful for you!
Thank you for your lovely comment. I really hope at some point you can take the courses and benefit from the amazing tools within. - PDS team member
Same - thank god for the free content on youtube!
Nicole Moore she has scholarships that are inexpensive. Perhaps look into it. It is so worth it
@@jenelb3016 email info@personaldevelopmentschool.com for details
I still really struggle with this.
At first I'll feel shocked and pull away in a conversation, and stop standing up for myself in favor of letting the situation diffuse (fawning).
Then I will store the wound of feeling disconnected and confused about the why, while I am withdrawing from that person. And I will feel lonely in that, but I'll really need the space to digest my feelings.
Once I have depersonalized some of the things that were said, I am still feeling wounded about the necessity to speak up, because the emotion behind it is so intense that I feel I could pour like a waterfall if I start talking, and I neither want to be angry nor cry during the talk.
It's really important for me to master how to get out of that state, speaking my truth, asking for what I need, without getting sucked into the next highly charged talk.
How to communicate in a secure and open way after deactivating?
This is so hard, it feels like watching yourself sabotage every relationship you have.
It was as if I shut down emotionally - from my partner, and from myself. I knew logically who that person next to me was - but emotionally there was a void, where our experiences together, the many happy times, the difficult but meaningful times disappear into.
I remember feeling cold and tight.. from checked out, absent minded, thinking "is this it from now on?", focusing on that person's flaws, and holding on, "maybe this will pass"... it didn't. I hurt them deeply because I didn't care. A part of me wanted to hurt them - because of what they represented to me.. envy at the things I never had and craved since I was a child - which they did. Anger that my family and friends would not give me what they gave this person.
The realisation of my actions with the guilt and pain only hit me a long time after. I'm not the person I thought I was. I'm in fear of myself and what I thought I'd NEVER do - but I did..
Last two years I have been seeking help. I struggle but I won't let this be in vain. Thank you @Thais Gibson and everyone who is trying hard to understand and help each other.
@@Polly1589 oh my god. Sending my love to you. This sounds horrific.
Appreciate your sharing and being so vulnerable. Hope you’re finding the healing you deserve.
My girlfriend and I are both FA (me anxious-leaning, she avoidant-leaning) and this is exactly where we're at 😩 She's deactivating because I'm too intense (and she perceives it as me breaking her boundaries?) and in turn I'm deactivating because I feel a disconnect. We're trying to compromise but I feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick. I'm trying to tell myself that it's just my trauma reactivating and me telling myself a story but at the same time I don't know if I want a relationship where we're so distant from each other. I understand that she has her work, her family, her friends and her alone time but it sucks to feel like the last item on her list.
wow I just went through this same exact situation, I kid you not. I'm also an FA (anxious-leaning) and she's FA (avoidant-leaning). I broke it off because I couldn't stand the disconnect. Amazing when we were together but terrible otherwise. I'd leave unless shes showing signs of improvement.
Perhaps an incompatibility. Take care of yourself and find a relationship where you can get your needs met. If it doesn’t feel good? It’s not good for you.
Or be patient and give them the time needed
This what exactly is going on between me and my bf
God I'm going through this exact same thing rn
Thankfully I’m not deactivating much anymore. I’ve done a lot of inner healing and have learned great coping mechanisms to life and being Married to a DA. I’m blessed!🙌🏻
Deactivation happens when the core wound is touched.it has nothing to do with the other person
Exactly. An often overlooked truth
I noticed sitting at a family dinner that I was feeling the core wound 'I am different.' I will be attacked', I will be alone, I am misunderstood, were all very very strong. As my family sat and drank away, I couldn't shake the sadness the panic, the fear of never meeting another girl like my ex now that I broke up with her. It was triggered by being in the company if my family who I feel abandoned by.
In general lack of honouring sadness and this pressure of u must fit in shake this feeling off and be happy with them became over bearing.
I just deactivated in a state of panic as usual and left.
Everything is brushed under the carpet with my family, no talking for months after an argument and the lack of ownership or admitting any partial wrong in an argument with my family has caused incredible hurt for me growing up. My mother and father never admitted wrong or my sister for that matter. I am the scapegoat to them the sick child.
' I will be attacked' is huge core wound for me. And a lack of authenticity, whenever real heavy emotions I am experience like my breakup would need to be discussed, my mother and father would always abandon me saying 'I don't wanna hear it!! So' I am misunderstood' is another massive one for me especially in arguments.
I'm so tired of my family trying to prove me wrong. They won't acknowledge my side of the story in a caring way as I would acknowledge there's. I feel like I'll never meet someone who understands why I feel trapped and misunderstood a lot in relationships.
My partner and I are both FA - this is so valuable in understanding what sometimes happens with us. We're supporting each other in working towards balance and your videos are so helpful. Thank you!! 💖
So happy to hear this. Keep us posted on your progress :) - PDS team member
Thais, I can't help but laugh because it feels so good to finally hear who I am as an FA described so accurately in this video. I'm determined to heal.
I don't find myself swinging back & forth because usually when I deactivate, I don't go back to being loving & affectionate again (unless that person convinced me that they really care). And even if I go back to activation mode, I will not be as affectionate, clingy, anxious because once bitten twice shy. That's when the other party will suddenly find me cold. They always noticed a change in me even though things appear to be normal on the surface. Eventually what happened is I'd leave the relationship convinced that they don't care or are just making use of me.
Exactly me
Me
Yep exactly me.
This is toxic on so many levels lol
@@burritomaker69 Toxic only IF you're playing games. But for me this is just self-torture.
I confused independence with deactivating but was never happy. Your videos have been most educational. I'm an FA who is learning so much and recognizing myself in your videos
is there a good way to tell an FA that their actions are based on fear and not independence? i'm being met with ambivalence, denial, and contradictions.
@@adamwood87 no they won’t listen probs n think you’re attacking them I’m a DA/FA and that’s what I’d do probably. At least for me you gotta figure it out yourself
I would LOVE to have a magic wand to prevent my FA partner that I love so much from deactivating. It just happens SO fast! One word taken the wrong way and BAM! Can't "reach" her anymore. The deactivating lasts for days, which is so painful to me as an AP. I would LOVE to know if/what I can do to lessen the time before she activates again for intimacy and closeness.
I used to do this with my husband who is an AP when I felt dismissed, shouted at or felt disrespected. Emotions with FA’s are usually heightened because of core wounds. My husband who was then my boyfriend calmly set me down and set the record straight and instead of shouting would state their grievances without being passive aggressive. When he was direct, calm, consistent and created a safe space I realised I had to also understand my partner and where he was coming from and not allow core wounds to cause me to overreact. The moment you realise how you want to be treated you begin to understand you need to treat others how you would like to be treated. I don’t like being hurt so in return I need to work on not hurting others. Try speak to her and be direct without attacking and reassure them that you are not out to get them. However it is important that she also starts letting go of her insecure attachment style to make things work. Hope you guys get to a good secure place.
Same!!!!! How many days does yours last
It's hard not to punish and shut down when, even if you didn't know you were an FA but knew your triggers, you gave a warning and had a talk about your importance of being seen and not ignored - that it was either change or gtfo of my life. You're upfront and honest with your needs, what else could you do when others won't meet them again? Just let them go.
No,not the answer...things happen people make mistakes, punishing is a horrible tactic against your partner, it takes introspection, like ok they made a mistake, your constant push and pull is exhausting, and punishing is never an answer, how about asking why they do it if you asked them not to, depending on what it was. My ex FA would go nuts if I reconciled fights and would snap at me if I snapped back once in a while, never once considering he caused me to snap with his silence harsh words and days of space. It's exhausting, we are all human, give the compassion you desire yourself
Most FAs including my ex never explain things throughly even if they are aware of their fears and leave you all alone trying to navigate the relationship without any actual communication nor special interest anymore, all the while flaw finding and treating you like a stranger when deactivating. It left me as a secure individual feeling unworthy and guessing, no matter how many times I tried to make him feel safe, it was constantly like walking on eggshells. I have never felt so loved yet so deeply hurt all in 3.5 months.
I miss him so much it hurts, so here I am, deactivating. He’s a DA so he’ll likely not notice. I hate this.
a Huge THANK YOU, for talking about this so clearly, precisely, and practically !!!! I am french, and in France we don't have a lot of content about attachment styles... your videos have truly given me new insights and perspective, and I already see that I have grown. For years I was wondering what was wrong with me, and your work has pinpointed things. Merci merci Merci :)
Im struggling to tell if im deactivating from old trauma that has nothing to do with him that hes touching or is he really making me wanna get the hell out of this relationship because of the things hes actually doing.
you are so awesome. you have been the most impactful youtuber ive seen on these topics, and they are short and to the point. I just love ur content
I relate so much to all of this. My whole life I just thought something was wrong with me, it’s really amazing to see where my behavior comes from. Thank you so much for doing what you do!
I honestly think you're so insightful, warm and lovely. I've learned so much from you about a prospective partner and myself. The strength of knowledge that you have is amazing! May God bless you with more
I loved this video about humanizing ourselves! 💗 beautiful words
Good point about the pendulum. Thanks so much for these helpful videos for the fearful avoidants and those who love us.
Thanks for your comment! - PDS team member
Deactivating is feedback to figure out wat was the trigger
God Bless you for helping FA's so thoroughly... I have been watching all of your FA vids... wow, every word relates.. i am in the process of healing🙏.. your information has definitely sped the process up!!🤗💃
I'm working so hard on this. I'm in a new relationship with a terrific man. But my vulnerability with him feels terrifying much of the time. All I can do in those moments/minutes/hours is hold on and keep telling myself the actual reasons for the panic. I don't know if it's working or not yet because the fear and pain still feel so real I just want to sob hysterically and run as far from him as I can. I hope I can get through this.
can really relate to this. know you're not alone in your struggle and that if you believe i can get through it i believe with all my heart that you can. xx
I feel the very same way:(
@Billy B yes ... here's my update one year later. There was a reason I felt so scared and vulnerable, as it turns out. He ghosted me - left me without warning or explanation. His true nature is the opposite of the person I thought I knew. He is, I since found out, a closet or covert narcissist. That's why I thought he was so utterly amazing. These people are wolves in sheep's clothing.
Lesson learned. When they seem too good to be true they usually are. I've just come through a nightmarish year of recovering from this betrayal. I hope that my story is very different from yours. Best of luck to you.
It’s not worth it unless they get help. I spent 10 months in a relationship with a fa and felt alone the whole time. It was weird because it actually turned me from anxious to secure by the end. Because it’s forced me to be vulnerable, solve problems in a healthy way, and feeling the comfort of myself and making myself happy since the relationship was basically me by myself so I had to find stuff I liked doing. Also sex and intimacy were so sporadic and barely present that once she broke up with me it had been 3 months since we even had sex so I was basically healed straight out of the relationship and felt no need to be back with her. I felt the grieving process the last several months of the relationship. And at a certain point her rejections of those things didn’t even effect me anymore I was kind of just friends with her. Don’t get me wrong I still care for her a lot we were friends before the relationship and I hope we can be friends because I would like to be a pillar for her to get the help she needs to be happy even if it’s with someone new!
Thank you Thais ! You are heaven-sent 😇😇😇
I was AA but after my DA ex broke up with me I turned primary secure but am FA when triggered😂😭your school and videos helped me work through my anxious side. Now here for my fearful avoidant side. Appreciate your videos!
So spot on...love all your insights so much...thank you!!
You're absolutely amazing! The only channel that gets it.
So happy to see that your following has grown so much since I first started watching and sharing all your content with your friends :)))
Thank you so much Sophie, your support means so much! - PDS team member
Your videos help me so much, thank you so much! I actively deactivate to keep myself safe and from going crazy, I know I need to work on it more. Wish I could afford to do your programs 💜
@@ShawnFin thank you Sean! Thais messaged me and said to email them too, I'm sending one this afternoon
Insightful as always, thank you for sharing!
Currently deactivating at this moment. Just so overwhelmed with no being listened to, or heard or seen. My needs don’t matter.
They do. I can’t say it to my ex but I will say it to you, you matter, your needs matter. ❤
It _is_ an option to say out loud what is going on inside your head. If you’ve chosen well they will adapt whether that’s giving you space or making you feel seen etc
This used to be me 100%. I would feel unheard and that rejection was so frustrating that i would end the relationship. My words to her weren't untrue but they were not exactly truth either. They were hurtful. I would feel so lonely and sad after i calmed down. I seemed to date emotionally unavailable women (FA's as well) and the lack if attunement was my biggest trigger. At that point the power shifted in the relationship when they became more anxious.
I love love this video Thais ❤️
Finally, thank you!!! I have known for a little while now that I am a fearful avoidant person. But I have been struggling with trying to figure out why I shut down and It's hurting a close relationship. I am curious but I'm having trouble pinpointing what my triggers are. This video helped so much, one of my biggest problems is full swing activating as soon as I am done shutting down so that I can make up for shutting down. I'm really enjoying these videos thank you so much!
The FA I’m seeing went ice cold overnight after a fun weekend of opening up and hooking up. She’s been emotionally and physically ice cold for a couple of weeks. Sucks but I’m staying positive and hoping she’ll swing back. I feel like we havent been seeing each other long enough for me to probe and such so just staying patient and consistent
I’ve never heard the term of deactivating but im very glad to have learned it today. Recently (few months ago) I identified that I was FA and it’s so freaking hard to manage. My deactivate is so intense that I immediately look to just end the relationship. Just leave. Shut them out. Im trying to learn now how to fix it, but what do you do when it gets this bad? There presence physically annoys me (it’s long distance and they are truly the most gentle gamer boy and paramedic to exist) and I know it’ll pass but I hate myself for the way I can’t bring myself to be friendly. I’m torn because I know it’s my fault but I don’t even know if I actually want out of the relationship because I** want out or the FA is talking
Listen…that last line took me out. I could put money on the fact that it’s your attachment. You just need to be very, very honest with him about how you are feeling. After you have identified the core wound and the need that isn’t being met right now. I walked away from the kindest, most loving individual I’ve ever met because of this attachment and beyond that because I was too afraid to share what I was going through. Don’t be like me.
@@liakh.2539would appreciate your perspective on something if you'd be willing.
@@liakh.2539my boyfriend was honest with me about what he was feeling for the first time ever and told me what he needed, but I think freaked out not knowing what to do and still ended it? It was so confusing. He made such a big stride and still feel he had to end things
My ex reached out and apologized for how terrible they treated me yesterday and I took your advice and forgave them for myself and that I didn’t want them to feel threatened either. I hope this time she takes her chance to heal herself and family problems go away for them
Preach!!
Question:
I had anxious attachment until a traumatic breakup where there was betrayal involved. I'm now fearful avoidant. My ex was the first person I've ever felt that safe around, or been that intimate with (I had fear of intimacy before, so it was a huge step). The breakup and added betrayal was really beyond devastating. All that to say, it's nice not having relationships on my mind 24/7 for the first time ever. But- I'm nervous I'm getting too comfortable. I find myself thinking "This is fine. Maybe I can get used to this and just be single forever, and not have to get hurt again", but in my heart of hearts that's not what I want. I don't know how to get myself back in the dating world, or even be able to entertain the thought of dating again. Being able to allow myself to be vulnerable with someone again honestly seems impossible from my current vantage point. Idk if this is a problem many people have, but if you think it's worth doing a video on I would be grateful
Yeah I had the same thing that I went through too. It had been years since then too. Have been pretty much a FA ever since.
I'm FA and have been betrayed multiple times, I know the pain. I still struggle with trusting anyone. People always say "you need to let go of the past, let go of trauma" it's not that simple, it's stored in our brains to protect ourselves in the future. All I can say is we have to keep working on our attachment style if we want to have a healthy relationship someday. And it is a long process, lots of hard work.
I'm FA and can relate. I wasn't betrayed to that extent but still struggle with entertaining dating. It feels much safer to be alone but I know that I want more if I want to live life to the fullest! The courses inside the school are great. Highly recommend! I would also love a video how to overcome the fear of dating. I don't want to sit on the sidelines the rest of my life!!
Yeah, that's a great idea! Fear of dating would be a super useful video! I think Thais gave a great tip in this video when she said recognize when you start to detach and use that as feedback, rather than immediately revert to self-judgement and bury it. I'm going to try this as I wade into the dating pool :)
I'm an FA too and i totally get it the more you expose yourself to this the more you lean towards being a DA
Super helpful OMG 😅
Feeling disconnected so true
I’m taking notes....! This epiphany which I just recently discovered about myself will hopefully be life changing.
My issue is that I usually don’t let whomever I’m dating ( wonderful Christian men) get beyond the 2-4 month mark and then I’m done! Even though I know most of them would have made great husbands for me. And once I’m done , I’m done! ( until months later 🙄)
Until months later and then what happens?
@@burritomaker69 and then I start thinking I should given it more of a chance. Maybe it could work. He really was such a nice man. I think about revisiting it. But by then, it’s too late because they are either dating someone else or married or not willing to go down that road again (which I totally don’t blame them for… And it’s probably God’s protection for them because who’s to say I wouldn’t do the same thing?)
ty
What about deleting or blocking people on social media?…. I rarely delete. I usually block people that triggered me vs some random people I barely talk too. I just delete them…. I knew something was wrong when I realized there’s more people in my block list vs friends list. I recently had someone I’ve unblocked reach out to me (I also unblock lol) he told me I’ve unblocked him a long time ago and didn’t message me right away. I completely forgot about it.
Might be part of why I slowly heal is when I push people away it is after trying to do the right thing (feels like giving) and being the bigger person (deprioritising my feelings for the sake of peace) and when I get ignored, dismissed, not understood, not appreciated or still getting attacked I will show all my painfull believes about them and it will come out ugly and very hurtfull. Than actually it is my pride that tells me I did the right thing, I am very stubbern at this point believing it was well due that they see the concequence of their actions and how it inpacts me. I will blame tham for getting me in this angry state and I have rules in my head of what the only way is to make it up to me. I actually don't feel shamefull for my outburst but I will feel regret for pushing people away and to make it so hard to reconcile. In the end it's just a cry for treating me better because nothing else seemed to help. And I will feel like they are just not good to me and it's maybe for the best that it ends here.
But actually I've been saying my needs and boundries and they are not respected. When I set a boundary I am told I am threatening. And when I tell what I think I am told I am speaking for them and when I ask them to communicate they just say I am being complicated.
This is very helpful thank you!
Random question that popped up while watching this, I know people pleasing can be a trauma response from the anxious attachment, can it be a trauma response from the fearful avoidant too
Also could we have a follow up video if you don’t already have one of the activating strategies of the fearful avoidant!
yes can be from FA as well - PDS team member
these videos are so amazing. :'( it's changing my life... Thais, can you lower the camera so there's not so much headspace above you? :) Looking forward to your next videos!
Question, are the deactivating strategies of a Fearful Avoidant the same as the Dismissive Avoidant? Still trying to learn the difference between the two.
The dismissive avoidant was never activated in the first place lol
I wanted them to be kind to themselves so it can change for the better.
Is it common for avoidant’s to swing from dismissive to fearful? As in dismissive while single, and during the beginning dating stages… to fearful once they have strong feelings for someone?
Yup they often swing back and forth. There’s really a lot of blending that goes on. It all comes down to the core wounds the person has that triggers their fight or flight
I'm a secure leaning towards anxious, I'm in an on off relationship with an FA. He deactivates often, sometimes when I'm least expecting it, often when the relationship feels like it's at its best. Boom he's off. my question is why? Is it coz he starts feeling like he's too reliant on me? I've been so supportive, accepting, loyal, understanding. It's been so painful for me but I can't walk away. He tells me I'm amazing, special perfect but he just gets so scared and he thinks Im too good for him 😭.
He falls in love with you and it scares him to death.
I'm a FA and it's because we're scared. I'm currently in deactivation mode and we've been doing amazing. Sometimes it's when the love feels so strong and we get too attached. For me it usually happens when they say something that triggers me. Last year for instance, my DA kept asking to have dinner with my family at my place, but this was after he made it clear he didn't want a label. I'm very private with my family and would never bring someone I was in a situationship home with me. But that triggered me so badly. I had already accepted the no label thing but he threw a wrench in it by suggesting being more of a part of my private side. We did end up in a relationship, but only after he knew I was going to jump ship again. Honestly though, it could be a totally different reason with an AP/SA. If I disconnected from them, it could be because either they were moving too fast or wanted to see and talk to me too much. Honestly, being a FA is a constant rollercoaster ride. I couldn't date another me personally. I know I'm a lot and feel broken and defective at times which is why I could never sew myself with a secure person. I almost feel comforted with others flaws.
@@sunbeam9222 yeah I've dated one secure person in my 20's. It was fun, but I legit kept all emotions out of it. Even though I was 10 years younger and adorable, I still never felt good enough. We parted ways amicably. It wasn't until my 30's and in an abusive relationship that the deep wounds and triggers came out. After him I refused to date for years because I was so damaged and I didn't want to put my mess on someone else. The last guy and current guy I've dated have revived those triggers I tried to bury. Now I'm actively doing the work. Facing this head on is so gratifying while being absolutely terrifying.
@@sunbeam9222 I know. 😔 I just said the same to my on and off again DA (I run and disappear). We were talking about our triggers and I said "It's not fair that because of people who treated us so badly in the past (he was cheated on) that we can't be in a normally functioning relationship without being triggered." I wish you well too. 💗
@@LeeChrissy so you're with a DA, yeah my partner was like that initially he introduced me to his family early on but then he'd get scared because he wasn't ready to commit fully then he'd pull away, it went on like that for over a year. We had 2 months apart since I last posted but now things are great. I stopped nagging if he went quiet and accepted it's not personal. I give him space to breathe but also let him know how much I care. He used to say he was broken and defective but now he's becoming a better version of himself thinking positively and we're planning our future together.
No one is perfect we all have defects but what we all crave deep down is someone who gives us security.
Mine has been deactivating for 3 weeks…. Hurting our kids and me beyond belief! Do they reactivate… do I come out of NO CONTACT?? Am I hurting him more??
Sigh. A few nights ago my boyfriend (of 3 months) and I went out to eat and for some reason he was just off that night; wasn’t being attentive to me, was looking off at other tables instead of me, and on top of that made a couple passive aggressive comments. So I got super frustrated and just shut down. He realized I was upset when we left and then apologized profusely on the drive home, saying he drank too much coffee that day and was feeling anxious. But something happened and my feelings have turned off like a switch. I was super into him and even told him I loved him recently… but after a few days ago I find myself not being as physically attracted to him anymore & just generally wanting space from him. I don’t know if I’m losing interest for other reasons or this is my FA self sabotaging. :(
I was frustrated out of hurt, because my biggest triggers is rejection/being ignored
Ugh I felt this. I think I've come pretty far with separating my partner's actions and emotions from mine. I'll never forget one night him sending me the longest sweetest message and somewhere in the middle, there was something that triggered me and I starting deactivating. Just an example. Picture someone saying I love you one hundreds times, but then throwing in that they had a horrible day in the middle. I will literally ignore every I love you and stay laser focused on that one other comment thinking it pertains to me even though it has nothing to do with me. That I have learned to calm down. But I'm triggered about something else yet again. It's awful. This is why I prefer being single.
Hi! Really neeed your help!! :( came across your youtube channel and it has given me comfort and calm during these hard times in my relationship. I just want to seek your advice -- What if my long distance boyfriend ghosted me after he became distant and demotivated due to the pandemic? I feel he is a fearful / dismissive avoidant and im an Aa.
We were supposed to meet this June but now it cannot happen, and we havent seen each other since December. he became distant and he hasnt been responding much since june so i confronted him and asked whats going on and he said he wasnt ready to talk about it. I thought he was thinking of breaking up so i brought it up and he responded again that he wasnt ready to talk about it. I feel like i pushed and when i realized it, i said i was sorry and said we can talk again after a week. He didnt respond anymore so thought i should give him space. Sent him happy messages in between but not expecting replies. After 3 weeks of no contact, i followed up with an email asking for clarification, hoping he'd choose to stay, love him, this timenis temporsry so we shouldnt give up, etc. and saying i will wait for his answer. And he didnt respond.
Im lost as whether this means it's over or hes just needing more time. Should i follow up with a message to say basically 'ok i understand this means we are broken up, i wish you well,..', so he now knows im not waiting but walking away / letting him go? Then i can start no contact? Or should i just not send anything at all? Maybe he'll think im just waiting all the timeee. i love him and i would like for us to get back together because i know we are good together. It's just thst the uncertainty of not seeing each other again maybe had a different effect on the both of us -- he became super frustrated to the point of demotivation to avoid 'suffering' and just want to escape the situation (he's been partying and posting happy photos - he lives where activities are now allowed), and i tried too hard to compensate by clinging on and asking more time to spend together. :(
I hope we can see each other again and reconnect after the pandemic or even soon, but i would like to know how to best increase our chance of getting back together.
Would appreciate any advice on what to do! Thank youuu!!
Any update?
Oh my godd!!! thats so painfull :(
Dear Thais, I'm an Italian living in italy. I'm quite good with English but I cannot really grasp what "deactivation " means. Could you be so kind to explain that more thoroughly? Thanks a lot
PS you also speak very very fast
❤
Is it a sort of strategy to feel better?
It’s emotionally pulling away from someone
Thanks for this Thais. You mentioned a while back that a way to tell if a fearful avoidant is becoming more secure is that their more avoidant side is showing. I think I understand this, and see examples of this through my FA ex (I think he was definitely more anxious in past relationships, and now seems like he’s trying to avoid a relationship altogether so that this doesn’t happen again. He also deactivated enough to break up with me recently after I had to move, avoiding an LTR - which appears to be a core wound of his). But I’m not sure how this means he’s getting more secure, or if he even is? Other deactivating situations where I’ve been present have not been pleasant for him - he can’t speak, buries himself under covers... there are tears... etc. Is this the deactivating that signals becoming more secure? If so... that’s confusing! Or, is the avoidance that shows they’re becoming more secure just spending less time connecting, more time establishing independence, less anxious behaviour around connecting? It’s hard to tell whats healthy and what is pure deactivating and pushing away because of pain or the preemptive pain they ‘predict’ rather than behaviour of a more secure FA?
I agree totally with what Anthony said. I'm an FA that leans avoidant. Avoidance and deactivating are not healthy/getting more secure. Communication and being vulnerable to discuss problems and feelings is a step towards being more secure.
Stonewalling and never coming back to address
Just adds another layer and the root conflict to solve never gets addressed. Told me wanted to be treated like a human, yeah me too. Disrespect and wasting precious time and energy.
Hi, my ex and i went through conflict that wasn't between us but included us. She broke up after 6 years because she said she associates me with the negativity that happened despite never having any issues before this. How can I get her back when she choose to associate me? How can you stop someone from deactivating and pushing others away?
That sounds rough, how's it going now? To throw an answer to your question I would say be assertive and present but depersonalize and resist attachment to outcomes.. wayyyy freaking easier said than done!
run and find a secure partner.
It’s me 😩
Is it possible to be this way without any discernable childhood trauma?
Could you define what deactivating even is? I've several videos about this and for some reason the assumption is the whole world knows what this is.
Reading all of these comments. I hate to say this, but it sounds like you are all talking about relationships with children. Not adults. Its quite remarkable. I dont mean to sound callous, but honestly, it reads that way. I know how complicated it is to be in love with an FA. I know they are good people and those that are here to seek help. Just an observation i had is all.
It's probably because when we're triggered by our partner, it brings us back to our past, including childhood.
Just continue already 02:40 no need to jump away another subject stay on topic
I need someone's opinion about this situation...my ex just freaked out and left me a few days ago. I suspect that she is a fearful avoidant and what happened really confused me. I have always been reserved in pursuing a relationship with her, it was her idea and eventually she pulled me in and made me love her. What just changed is that things started getting real and serious. She invited me to hang out with her best friends at an Easter barbecue and met her mom. At the barbecue, I noticed her getting anxious (she later told me she was having a panic attack and didn't show it) and she started making tiny criticisms of the way I look (a small wrinkle on my cheek, the hair on my eyebrow, etc)
That night, she came over to my place and said, "I'm not going to be able to promise that we stay together after this week. I can't be your gf or have s** with you." Nevertheless, 30 minutes later, she took off her clothes, got in bed with me, started kissing me and we did have s**. She said again, I don't want to be in a relationship and said she had no feelings for me and isn't attracted to me. Huh? Most people don't do all that we just did if they aren't attracted to the person. I expect any woman would have turned away from a kiss from someone they feel nothing for. After that, she wouldn't leave and insisted to stay later. Finally she went home hours later and I expected that I would get a breakup text the next day.
Instead, she took the day off work to see me again, acting completely normal. She's twirling her hair, looking at me with loving eyes, yet her words are saying again, "I don't feel a spark between us." which seemed like a contradiction to the actions she was showing. She asked what I was thinking, I said I'll tell you when we stop driving at my place and she started to get nervous. She had bought more condoms for us again tonight despite saying she's not into me at all. So I basically told her, if she really feels that way, we should go our separate ways and I'll do my own thing tonight. She started to freak out. Crying, shaking, holding me and physically not letting me leave. She made me put my bag down and stay. She tried to kiss me again and I turned my head, but she pulled me into it and kissed me passionately. She said we could be friends with benefits but I declined. She said every excuse in the book about why she can't be in a relationship (need to work on herself, not ready, likes me as a person), even though her actions are showing the opposite and I have never pressured her to be "in a relationship"
The next days, she kept reaching out asking if I was okay, if I needed anything and I gave her a cold response saying that I'm fine but what she said pushed me away and I wished her the best and said goodbye. She didn't reply and went cold too. I never begged her to stay, but I did suggest that we could take it slow, but she said, its not a good idea. A few days later she reached out with a random excuse, hasn't gone to work for 3 days and hasn't left her mom's house crying all day and posting sad break up songs on Instagram. I told her I've been thinking of her and I thought about sending her some of these videos. Basically, she believes that because she feels this now, it must be true and she's sure I'm not the right one for her. She's chronically tired, has so much fear, panic and has a history of breaking up when this fear comes, but she's really an amazing girl aside from that. 6 months we've never had a problem until now and she's completely self-destructing. Is it true what she's saying or is it an excuse to push me away? Should I move on or be there to support her until she activates again? Any advice or insight would be helpful.
Wow
Activating a Fearful Avoidant ... could a marriage/relationship which is experiencing deactivation be fixed ... which person fixes it !?? I have loved him through his “ leaving” me - honestly I did not know WHAT was happening- but this RINGS true to me.... any advice !?????
Also, there is a video that she posted literally a couple of days ago about how to communicate with the fearful avoidant, and I would recommend watching that. It gives you a good script for you to communicate in a healthy way, so that the other person has a chance to start to be more aware of their patterns. It's not your responsibility, per se, but it's a step in the right direction. Fearful avoidants also tends to be most open to learning about their attachment style and how to address some of the dysfunction. Good luck!
FAs, either DONT date or work on yourself intensely if you do. Not fair for others to get hurt
that was super interesting! my partner is a FA and I'm not sure if it was the deactivating speaking or he was just rude. I asked him how long I should stay in his country when I'm going to meet him and he said he doesn't care. Instead of inviting me to stay at his apartment he asked me where I'm going to stay..
Deactivated for 2 years..
4:23 👁👄👁 ...that has happened to me
How do you know so much about me, feels strange 😅
The other person needs to hold space for you in order to recreate your attachment style from fearful avoidant to secure attachment they need to know us that well , a lot of us in this attachment style are already fearful of not speaking our truth and if we get shut down after showing ourself a lil bit and the people took it as too needy or what so ever , we feel the same spiral again , it’s really important to evaluate our relationships in order to practice this . In real life we really have to be that aware 🥴
It’s no one’s job to fix an FA but a therapist and that FA person lol. Fact of the matter is if they choose not to seek help they really aren’t healed but just have learned to work with the person they are in a relationship.
@@burritomaker69 agree !!!
Not scared, but the borg don't need to know when i talk to a woman.
Hahaha she's talking about meeee 😂