What Attracts Partners with Avoidant Attachment?
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- Опубліковано 14 лип 2019
- Today's video was inspired by the question...
"What does an avoidant partner gain from the relationship?"
Individuals with avoidant attachment typically have rigid but fragile boundaries. While they may appear aloof and disconnected, still waters often run very deep.
In the Rolling Stone's past experience, the pleasure of relationship has not been worth the cost. And so, while a Rolling Stone might allow themselves a period of time in which they can enjoy the romantic perfume of emotional connection and supportive relationship, in time, these underlying beliefs and fears about what it really means to be connected (i.e. a loss of personal freedom and ultimate self-abandonment) will switch on, like a fan whirring in the background.
For some, they may be aware of this mechanism, and they would more likely fall into the "fearful avoidant" category.
For others, they may have no awareness of this, and dismiss their mysterious change of heart as a an unexplainable loss of "chemistry", or search for evidence of flaws in their partner to explain why they suddenly feel bored, smothered, or uninterested. This is closer to what we might describe as "dismissive avoidance."
To explore this further, checkout the video!
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There were times when I felt like our relationship was like I was applying for a job.
I told my ex the same thing. I finally got fed up and left.
Same
A minimum wage job at that...not even a full-time job with benefits and retirement options.
@@aqua6613 😂😂
In my experience of avoidantly attached people, they also intellectualise everything as a safety/diversion mechanism to protect themselves from accessing or communicating emotively. This can often make a partner who IS expressing emotions feel dismissed, or like they are being 'too sensitive' or 'dramatic'. I've found it helpful to bear this in mind when I speak of my emotions and am met with an academic dissection of the semantics of what I'm saying, or questions that take the focus off the personal conversation of us as people/a couple and onto a philosophical/scientific/sociological tangent...
Rowan Pring Thank you for watching and for commenting. Indeed you are correct. I talked more about this in the following video. You might enjoy it. Can Avoidant Partners Change? 3 Major Obstacles for Rolling Stones [Avoidant Attachment]
OMG Rowan, that's exactly what I am experiencing. We are at the 4 month line. He intelectualises my emotions and scrutinises the semantics as opposed to embracing the message I'm trying to express. I even told him once that I love it when he calls me beautiful (he's done it twice only) and still he doesn't call me that. He's so resistant! And I am not pushing but I'm about to break up with him. I've already told him we may be better off as friends. I thrive in a loving, honest and open partnership. I'm aware of this. I don't blame him for anything but whenever he tries to meet me half way, he makes me feel like he's doing me a favour. He acts as if he was the prize. These people have narcissistic tendencies and can create toxic partnerships.
Ana G. I have so much admiration for you that you recognise what you want and are planning to end the relationship. I clung on too long to 'scraps' I was offered and internalised my D.A's dismissiveness until it eroded my self esteem 😡 I think it's so wise to move on towards a person who is open, accepting and EMBRACING of emotive conversations and sees these as an opportunity to deepen and grow a relationship. Certainly meeting you halfway should be a given not a 'gift'! Good luck! 😊
Ana G. P.S. Thais has done another video that spoke about D.A's doing the opposite of what you say you love them doing and why this is, but, unhelpfully I can't remember why or the video! Sorry! I think it was linked to them avoiding connection as a protective mechanism, so anything they know for certain will lead to connection (e.g. doing something they know will please a partner and deepen their affection for the D.A) is avoided also. I could be wrong. I experienced this too..."I felt so happy today that you drove us to the beach" (*never drives me to the beach again*) 😒 Exhausting.
@@roweme indeed, they don't do those things in order to prevent emotional bonding from both sides
I've never had this experience with my dog. I simply love her, & she loves me back. 😄😄😄😄
We're talking about romantic love here.
@@sal2975 / same here
@@alibertylover you're in a romantic relationship with your dog? 😱
@@sal2975 / better than that ; she gives me no grief
But do you love yourself?
Never give yourself to someone that only takes and can’t give back equally!!
That why people should try a narcissist ( I'm just kidding...)
Nailed it! 👍
For anxious people, It also hurts when you give and expect a Minimum, but you only get disappointments and excuses for not íntimacy and illusion
Broadly I agree, but be careful that you don't become "transactional" in relationships, ("can't give back equally"). Sometimes the other person can give back in ways that are not what you expected but that only happens if you give that an opportunity to happen.
I think you weren't hearing the part about volume. An avoidant style might seem like they're not giving back in a reciprocal way, but it doesn't mean they don't have a strong and burning love inside. They're sometimes just slower to express it.
But then, they may not be your type, either.
Don’t waste your time with an avoidant. They constantly pull away, especially when you need their support the most. You will feel alone most of the time, they only get close when THEY want to feel loved or accepted. It’s a very emotionally and mentally exhausting relationship. Unless you are able to disconnect from your own emotions and be colder than your partner, you will always feel drained and unloved. It’s a lot of work dealing with an avoidant, especially if they’re not aware of their attachment style or doing their inner work. A secure person would never deal with someone that doesn’t reciprocate the love they give. An avoidant will hardly ever do this, they take more than they give. No matter how much you love them, you eventually will get tired or build resentment and maybe hate them for not reciprocating the love and the time you’ve invested in them. Save yourself the emotional pain and find someone more compatible with you, someone that wants you and shows you they love you. It will save you a lot of pain and time you could invest in someone better. Speaking from experience 😔
Very true me too
I completely agree.
Are you anxious attachment style?
I can totally relate 😭
That sums it up pretty good..
Recently dated an avoidant man - lasted 4 months (spot on) before I accepted that he was at his capacity and I left....
Weeks later i meet someone while I’m out and he was a little more self aware because he was a self declared avoidant. I ran this time.
Good for you
@Flagirl1985 I don't think it's narcissism, more schizoid if anything. Extreme Fearful Avoidant is BPD, extreme Dismissive Avoidant is SzPD.
Used to have a DA attachment, earned secure, still working on maintaining and initiating connections. No serious relationships, 32M.
@Flagirl1985 If he refuses to introspect or manifest change in any tangible way, then cutting losses and moving on is the right thing. I'm straight so I can't really comment much on how gay/bi men view women, only that I can notice that a guy is good looking and appreciate from that stance, but that's as far as it goes.
I would push women away because I just couldn't handle the emotional aspect of it all, from a relationship point of view. Just got overwhelmed because I had no frame of reference of healthy love/attachment from my home environment.
@Flagirl1985 A study showed that people with avoidant attachment will often say their childhood was fine or good, but it turns out it's not then lying about that, it's that they actually have shaped their memories in a way that it seems to them that it was actually fine/good. They also are lacking in the negative memories because they chose to pay less attention to those negative situations as a way to cope with it. There's a video that explains this on UA-cam from another dr. I think Dr. Kim something, a blonde woman. I unfortunately can't recall her name atm but I will try to come back to this comment with a link.
ETA the link: ua-cam.com/video/YP9b8Q4fWEM/v-deo.html
@@jamielamie9146👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
On, off, on, off aw gees they are damn hard work.
Each time they get distant a bit of my love dies off unfortunately 🙁
They sabotage them selves no matter how supportive their love partner, there is only so much a normal person can take.
You might ask yourself whether or not you really know what "a normal person" is in some framework outside of your personal experience. Can what one has experienced possibly be enough to form a foundation of knowledge sufficient to accurately impose her judgement upon anyone other than oneself? Well, yes, but only enough to make a decision as to how to act. And, no, when it comes to pronouncing "truth" upon another with any accuracy at all to be meaningful. This is where it might be helpful to be humbled by the limitations of our ability to truly understand anything outside of our experience and dispense with the notion of "normal" as anything other than what it is: a measure of central tendency of properties that can be observed from OUTSIDE the individual. Certainly your sense of normal is what normal is for you. Others will have some degree of difference in their sense of what normal is. There is no universal arbitrator and scientific method of drawing definite conclusions is limited by its inability to measure the internal experience. Thus, we are left to ourselves to decide for ourselves and usually hang our hats on "consensus" to anchor our beliefs... what do my friends and family think... what do the experts say... what seems to be universally believed? Well, put yourself back in time a couple thousands of years and you would likely believe the world was flat (hope you're not a flat earther) and that the heavens revolved around the earth.
Just food for thought and it might help you to see beyond the limits of "normality." Of course, you could think that I'm simply some jerk (hint: I am) that's trolling you (hint: I am not). Happy trails and...
Cheers
Good point, but consistency breeds security that’s all I care about.
He is unable of forming relationships with Woman long term, I’m yet another one who he will lose.
I care about me now I’m exhausted trying to ‘understand’ it’s damn well selfish to put your so called ‘partner’ through this turmoil.
So exhausting
Exhausting to deal with them , I am not picking another one
@@Chris-yv4gh I was thinking that normally the anxious one atracts the avoidant unfortunately , we all have our parts to play
When you reach a place in your life where you recognise that you are whole and your life is beautiful, you won't need to chase avoidant people. In fact there will be a new sense of relief as you become closer to appreciating your own value and release people that don't bring value.
So so well written. Thanx
👏
Sometimes you don’t know you’ve got one.
Truth!
Boy, I cant wait for that day, month, or year to arrive. Im in the just realising phase and understand there is nothing can be done to change this. I cant do superficial. And thats avoidant in a nutshell to me.
I do not thrive in lukewarm relationships... I have a knack for passion and mystery. This is the first relationship I’ve ever been in where the passion left a while ago. I remember the day everything changed and he’s got it in his head that im going to leave no matter what he does. I cant fix that, the second day after I left he shows up with flowers and a set of earrings I wanted for my birthday. Suddenly he can speak my love languages again. I want to see other people
See other people girllllll.
lukewarm is the exact term i used for my last relationship. she was rarely even cold… just never warm!!
It’s absolutely devastating not knowing what attachment style you are. I’m Avoidance and had no clue why I would run, it caused me to loose an 11 year relationships. Had I known this years ago, it could have saved both sides absolute torment, anguish and devastating heartbreak . Mine came from being molested and my father abandoning me. People just think we play games, it’s so much more
Recently my partner of 6.5 years came to me and said he feels like he wants to run and had no idea why. Thankfully I came across attachment theory and helped him realize he is avoidant attachment. I hope this is able to help him stay.
I love your honesty.... I too feel unsafe from others pressing too much on me.
Me: secure but anxious when with an avoidant partner - was talking to my mom about how my partner would be fulfilled if I just made dinner in the evening and had a cup of coffee together in the morning and my mother’s response was, “that’s what your father and I have done for years.”
God..... the realization lol
Exactly just because you love someone doesn’t mean that you have to do something about it.
If you have the deep desire to give your self completely in a relationship that is something that you need to heal within your self because loosing your self in a relationship will immediately make your partner loose interest in you.
someone with anxious attachment come here to work out their relatinship.....
@@Sleazylusciouslucy im sorry for u... may u got someone that made u felt better soon..
I have anxious attachment and my partner has avoidant attachment, he has done a great deal of work, but by meeting him I was able to identify my own issues that need care and attention, at the same time loving him, and forgiving him and vice versa. I love the guy and I’m set for the commitment of putting the effort to work it out. I’m yes it’s hard at times because their nature is very dismissive, for an anxious it could feel like rejection and humiliation, but Os just a matter of stopping, analizing and trying to understand that we’re not the only ones, that they have feelings and needs too and we should be there for them to show them they are worthy of love, support, care and nurturing.
12:30 "not expect so much..." Contextually, when you are 5 years in, the partnership demands that they step up during the peaks and valleys of life when stress and fear regarding employment, health, etc. cause depression and insecurity. No excuse for not having your back at that point...can't wait forever! And I foolishly wasted my time and energy on an avoidant...a poor choice of a long-term partner when enduring hardships.
So true. They can’t even have your back when everything is normal and what about when life gets hard? You see couples going through illness, loss of a loved one, even a child, and still got each others back. I can’t believe I expected him to be someone that is capable of that kind of support... Very disappointing
Same happened to me! It's been 2 years I left my Ex who was the ultimate horrible DA and never have I been ever so Happier and Calmer!
🙏🏻😌👻❤🌟🤗😘🌺🦄
5 years in? How did you even ever arrive at a commitment? How did it happen, seriously? Lol
@@cherisew My husband is dismissive avoidant and married me, his father is also dismissive avoidant and his mom stayed married to him for over 20 years before she couldn't take it anymore and left. She and I are both empaths. It feels like they leech off of our energy
@@DarthFurie woooww. I felt that “ leech off our energy” . I am just now getting back to a good place with the DA in my life after being triggered and going AP on him lol. But throughout this past two months I have discovered that I don’t know if I want to date someone like this. It’s a lot of work. The more I feel like I’ll just be a friend to him, and just build with someone else, the more he seeks me out. DA’s are so charming 🙄. How long did it take your husband to propose to you?
Nicely explained..I wish I have seen this video a year ago and prevented the incredible pain i went through
“Recreates it” oh yes he did. Moved in with me, got a great job, things were pretty darn good until the four month mark (spot on)... Reality must have set in and poof... gone... without even saying goodbye, no note, no nothing.
All this makes perfect sense. I believe there is some enmeshment issues with his mom too so there was no room really for another women.
Wish I knew about this attachment months ago so I wouldn’t have this broken heart.
Hugs
They purge people
I'm sorry that happened to you. I think they don't know why they do what they do so the explanation would have probably involved blaming you. You deserve a loyal partner !
He will be back, they always are do nothing and in about 2 months he will contact, has happened to me twice, one partner I was with a year he ghosted then came back, I saw him Saturday a year later and he said he loved me, I'm with someone else. They are always predictable. X
Same happened to me! It's been 2 years I left my Ex who was the ultimate horrible DA and never have I been ever so Happier and Calmer!
🙏🏻😌👻❤🌟🤗😘🌺🦄
I struggle with an anxious attachment in relationships and I'm in love with a man that struggles with an avoidant attachment and watching this video makes total sense to me! I'm so relieved! Thank you!!!
Me too!!! Please give advice, how do we make it work long term?
I love that you acknowledge the avoidant person in your life also struggles. I am an open heart and I feel like we are assuming here that we are somehow better than when we are not. Both struggle...
@@Soniaks You both have to put in the work. It will never work if it's one sided. If, however, your avoidant partner is able to have introspection/willing to look at themselves AND seek out professional help/read books/watch videos/listen to podcasts/etc.. then you guys have a chance of making it last.
Wow, this is so cool...his capacity only goes so far...and in me growing towards that kind of maturity, I can keep on loving this sweet man without expecting him to measure up to my capacity. He is such a wounded soul, but worthy of my nurturing.
Your comment made me tear up, especially the last sentence. I deal with avoidant attachment issues and it’s so nice seeing someone who loves and is willing to love someone with the same issue. Hope I can find someone like that. Your man is a lucky one.
@Jer Bear food for thought
Renola Jodie, I'm with you. I care for the guy, and I look for his expressions of caring for me in his own way as he is able to express it. He is who he is. When I do find myself feeling upset because he didn't show up for me in some particular way, I usually discover that I was looking for an ego boost--like "if he loved me he would do this thing that I know is painful for him to do." I am observing his ability to be true to himself and it is inspiring me to be more aware of my own boundaries and to be more true to myself. I'm learning a lot.
I’m 11 months in with this woman I love
I’ll support her anyway I can
She’s amazing. 9 months of heaven. Perfect.
2 months of picking at me...withdrawing....But she broke up with me as she feels terrible that she’s only giving me crumbs, her words... she doesn’t want to hurt me... I’m like breaking up with me hurts me more!!!
4 weeks apart... we are meeting for coffee in a week to see how’s she feels.
Not sure if it’s to see how she feels about a relationship
Or just having a friendship connection
I’m so upset
I miss her presence so much
We were so good together
So upset.
Richard Jeans exact same with me Richard. They don’t want to hurt your feelings but they do by leaving... they leave you before they “get left”
I am an avoidant, a big one, it's not love that an unmatched volume, the love is huge and is painfully present, because of this magnitude of love for an avoidant it is immensely uncomfortable, it hurts me knowing I am hurting my partner, I have seen many channels that are saying avoidant people are not likely to see these channels as we are too avoidant, I can self assess enough to know that avoidant people really hate these aspects about their damaged selves and love equally but have a lack of ability to show this in a healthy way, we are out here trying to fix this too as we reject ourselves and the love thats trying to reach us, we almost feel totally unworthy of the love being offered, as I was shown no genuine love as a child, I was managed, governed and ruled by emotionally crazy parents and navigated a minefield of abuse to survive, the barrier is the strength that both protects me and keeps love far away from me, its devastated my life and relationships but DO NOT EVER DOUBT how much love is trapped inside under all this pain. Thank you for this post
Thanks for sharing. 👏
Thankyou for sharing! I'm an anxious slowly turning secure and my boyfriend is Avoidant slowly putting efforts to change and be the Man for me🙏🏻❤
But I see his coping strategies going up every now and then! As a girl I hv supported him and extended my understanding towards him for 10 years with quite a few break ups in btw bcz he use to shut down and pull away for 6 months and then again the same cycle! I lost my loving and super caring mother when I was 10 and recently lost my father as well! Now I'm vulnerable beyond explanation! He sees my hurt and overflowing emotions and wants to be with his presence but he has started shutting down & pulling away again! For the first time I m seeing him getting super anxious and checking up on me bcz I dunno wat happens inside my heart.. May be Rumi was right when he said..
"Wound is where the Light enters"
This is the first time maybe after loosing both of my parents Im realising the abandonment-anxiety I face everytime is my Deep-rooted Trauma! I'm sick of being like this and feeling so anxious the minute someone wants to go away! I hv started my inner-work and surprisingly though it's Tough to the bone..Im becoming Secure🙏🏻in myself and my own Truth! I now myself give him time away and ask him to go and take his space and do his thing! But I will honestly tell you.. This is time I need him the most and his capacity to extend love and support towards me is like Fighting with air!! I don't hv the Patience or the will anymore to be with such a guy after loosing both of my parents.. His emotional source is so scarce and dry it makes me feel bad for him even though I'm the one who needs support right now!! I resent his mother deeply as to Why the fuck she had a son when she couldn't love him and Emotionally Nurture him.. Even in such a condition after my parents passed away I'mma tell you I resented Avoidants for the past 8 years since I came into relationship with my boyfriend.. Bcz of the pulling away he used to do! But now when After my parents death I got to feel and realise and I say this from the bottom of my heart.. I want to hug every Avoidant on this fuckin planet! You all didn't deserve this! 🙏🏻
Growing up like this is Torchure! Being starved of love like this since childhood when a kid needs it the most is like Peeling the Skin alive of an animal and then asking him to survive! Im sorry to write such a graphic story but that's what I felt when I got to understand and see what makes an avoidant attachment style to develop! I wana hug my boyfriend and never let him go but the Thing is after my parents the abandonment wound is worse and cut-open! He steps up for me to show his love but I swear on God it's so scarce and unthoughtful it makes me break into pieces from inside! At the same time his way of giving love also gives me an insight on how he was starved & this is all he can do! I hv told him his Deep-rooted issues recently and he being a typical avoidant firstly denied it and said No it's nothing like that! He has so much shame around his enmeshment wound from his mom that he denies to accept that there is a problem! But has decided to meet me and work on it! I don't hv big hopes that he will actually realise and accept the amount of abuse and gaslight he has faced all his life and hence finally work on it so I'm slowly working on myself.. If I become even 60-70% secure attachment style.. There would be no attraction towards this dysfunction! Bcz it actually is! Such low consideration for the other person is lethal for their mental health and well-being !
Maybe we will go to a couple's therapy.. Though he is heavily in denial and pulls away again! Wats the point of being in a relationship where your needs are kept unmet let alone wants! His mother can hv him as her surrogate husband.. He anyway is!
His mother called me and said I know how much he loves you so you leave him.. Otherwise if he marries you K will threaten to kill myself! I hate him being so close to another girl who he didn't ask permission from me to date!
That moment I realised and cried for every avoidant on this earth! Is the manipulation and enmeshment abuse this severe since y'all only little🙄😳 children.. My God 🙏🏻I feel for you all🙏🏻
I couldn't blv for a second wat I saw in front of my eyes! She says she loves his son too much.. And then calls the love of his life since 8 years & Gaslights her behind his son's back so bad that The girl leaves his son by herself! She said just tell him you found someone else! I was shocked and to my utter shock.. I almost got manipulated! 🙆😱
I told my boyfriend immediately and he fought with his mom and guess wat she started fighting with him and saying Yes I did that to girlfriend.. So what I'm ur mom and I traumatised her to show I care about you! Only I will be in your life!!
My god wat demon of a parent all avoidants must hv! No wonder y'all shut off from feelings!
Love to all ❤
Hv a Good day!
Unfortunately the pain is no less even knowing all this my ex was talking about getting married one week meeting her parents from day one she kept saying I would walk away but guess what it was her who walked away hours on the phone everyday and then just dump like I'm nothing. I really think there is a mental illness going on
Thank you for sharing your perspective. It's actually incredibly helpful. I'm sorry you have to endure such horrible pain and isolation :(
man if my ex had said this to me i never would have left
I have avoidant attachment. I feel I lived in a facade. I blame myself for watching too many movies and television shows when I was thinking that the real world is a great place. As I learned, people kept bringing me down, managere, supervisors, friends, family, I always seemed criticism about me not having a personality and I need to work on it. It hindted me through my adulthood.
YOU ARE LITERALLY SAVING MY LIFE RIGHT NOW .
Thank you so much for the clarity. It's like finally clearning up the confusion I've been living with all my life.
I couldn't help but agree! THE SAME THING IS HAPPENING TO ME! This conception of "levels of emotional capacity" answers many things I've been questioning myself my whole life! Oh my god, so not expressing love as much as I am doesn't mean this person doesn't love me as much as I do. It's just that someone's level of expressing love is not as "yelling" as mine
Am missing my avoidant partner intensely after a breakup. I'm anxious attachment style. Classic situation. She'd come on and then she'd go cold. I felt used, unsupported, pushed away, demeaned, resented and so I ripped off the band aid. While I felt great relief initially she was thrown into a tail spin and accused me of stalking her. Over the last week two female acquaintances pointed out that I was a gentleman and well raised. Sadly that's got no currency. However I have established that I go for injured and unavailable partners and end up on the scrap heap but at 63 I'm forever optimistic. How empowering it must be to be able to talk about emotions in a way that steers you to the desired outcome rather than succumbing to a trigger only to realise you've burned your bridges. My issues go back to abandonment: my father's last words were "son, I wish I spent more time with you all". While I was careful not to repeat his mistake and my own children are supremely balanced, I'm digging myself out of the lurch. Amazing insights offered in this video.
I think this is my attachment style. So I grew up in a household with a lot of domestic violence and fear. So I'm not avoidant to be an arsehole it's a real fear of not being heard. So often I won't bring things as in the past I feel like for my partner it causes them more distress as they have their own issues(anxiety) so they worry not for me but I feel it's worry for how it's going to affect them.
By me being avoidant I then build up resentment too. I am in therapy and I actually don't want to be this way, I just want be with some I can feel open with and who in turn can be open with me.😫
God how my past has shaped me.
Been there brother, you can do it. Just came out of a relationship where I gave over that part of me that wants to hide and avoid because I don't feel heard. I still wasn't heard but I did my 100%. I can at least be proud of myself that I gave it my all even though I needed to leave.
Thank you
I grew up with 2 very abusive & narcissistic parents. It was a nightmare & all my life I had serious issues. Lots of depression, anxiety, low self worth. All that changed when I asked God to be real. To help me. He gave me a new mindset and a new heart. Soo..I encourage you to give The Lord Jesus a chance. You have nothing to lose.
Hi, I'm an anxious heart, and I'd like to say thanks for your post because sometimes I find myself labelling the avoidant person's as the " bad guy" because s/he appears to be able to leave relationships more easily if things aren't to their liking. I see this as, "not giving one's all" or "taking the easy way out". Your post reminded me that they, too, are struggling with traumatic events from childhood causing them to respond to the challenges inherent in relationship in ways that served them well when they hadnt much power to protect themselves. When I remember
Oops cut my long winded self off:). When I remember this, my heart is soothes a bit. I realize we all just want to love and beloved...plain and simple. So thanks a bunch
Okay but why would I care even if they love me “inside”. Your love gets bigger when you feel loved. There is no such thing loving someone from a distance
I think so too. And also this volume compare doesn't really make sense to me. Sounds like, one partner has to be patient and loving forever, making themselves responsible for feeling rejected, while waiting for the avoidant partner to match up. Maybe he never will... and it's not true that this is only a thing of time and patience. From my experience, avoidant people often have so much suppressed feelings, deep sadness f. e. , which they are afraid will come up in intimacy. If they aren't willing to look at this (and nobody else can do it for them) , which they mostly aren't, intimacy between partners won't improve no matter how patient and loving the other on is.
Jay Jagatambe Yes! I completely agree. We all need to love ourselves FIRST that we should walk away from a situation that is not making us happy. Who cares if they have trauma??! Love, relationship, even friendship is 50/50. They should give the 50% if they want to be involved with you. (Guess what chances are they don’t :D) If they mutually loved you and cared about you, they would step up their game; communicate, acknowledge, increase awareness, put effort, go to theraphy. But no, we have to wait for them miserably tell ourselves they love us from the “inside” and one day maaybe magically they will open up. Yeah I love my clothes too but I don’t thik I’ll ever gonna open up to them :D
@@aslozbilen6555 😁
While you should not accept being taken care of and loved, does someone's inability to connect the same way as you mean they are undeserving of love? It isn't as though they are making a conscious choice to be different. It isn't as though they are playing games. They feel unsafe sharing their emotions with you. As someone who works hard against AvPD (which is a little deeper than avoidant attachment style), I could be thinking I am giving more than I actually am. Yes absolutely there is a such thing as loving someone from a distance, but it is almost impossible to feel that love from a distance. Your mindset while good for keeping yourself from being damaged, is extremely damaging to an avoidant person and once you understand an avoidant, not trying to understand and expecting the same level you are capable of is so damaging. It is almost like expecting someone who has lost a leg to keep up with you on a run and leaving them behind in their disability saying, "well if you can't keep up with me you're not worth it."
@@aslozbilen6555 who cares if they have trauma? I would say if you don't care about someone's trauma and are so invested in loving yourself first, you should just stay in a relationship with yourself. This "love your self first" idea is so selfish and narcissistic. Yes, love yourself and take care of yourself enough not to stay in relationships that are hurting you, but don't dismiss people who suffer trauma because the trauma bothers you. Yes, if they refuse to acknowledge or work through said trauma then by all means leave such a destructive relationship but the whole "eff their trauma" shit is really evil.
Thank you, I may have lost a love in my life, but I have come to understand how to fix myself.
This is so well explained! The volume analogy makes so much sense to me. Thank you for this knowledge.
I agree. 💯
It’s interesting to me how in so many avoidant attachment video comment sections, there are tons of anxious attachment people basically saying, “They (avoidant) can/could never meet my needs!” While you should always walk away from harmful people and situations once you’ve done your best to improve that situation, the whole point of these videos is to stop/improve the anxious avoidant cycle. To say that the avoidant person can never meet your needs is missing the point of these videos, which is that the cycle takes two people to start, and two people to stop. Part of the equation is examining your (anxious partner) needs and figuring out how to get them met in other ways or meeting them yourself because they actually aren’t entirely realistic or even healthy. Just because society is a lot more allowing or enabling for anxious attachment folks doesn’t make us more healthy.
So, you are telling me that I have to hug myself. Yeah, thanks, no thanks. It's not that simple.
Seeing comments like "don't waste your time on an Avoidant" is just sad.
Wonderful ❤️
I've always been quite extraverted volume and have always found that most people can't "measure my volume"
Which creates a feeling within me of being unloved.
But now I've met a man who is the same volume as I am.. Its magical
Kat INTP I am so happy for you! It is encouraging to read. It’s a reminder to never settle.
Good for you.
very happy for you.i pray God makes you both very happy and you guys live a fulfilling life.
Good to hear that; congrats🤗
I'm an avoidant INTP and am surprised that you have such extraverted volume - I would have thought that your personality type would mitigate against that. Hope it's still working out.
This explanation is so eye opening, realizing that someone you once cared deeply for doesn't have the meotonalndeoth or capacity to meet your emotional needs doesn't take away your love for them it just means the dynamics have shifted and that you need more than what they can give is so freeing
Wow, it's so much clearer for me now! Thank you, Briana. Every video is like a revelation.
WOW. You have opened a window for me, and let the air in. Thank you.
Thank you for your video. My partner has avoidant traits but a commitment to change. I'm anxious and committed to change. I accept his volume is less intense but have found ways to meet in the middle. We use humour and we text a lot as he needs space, especially when he is working. U hope we will continue to bloom and meet in the middle. I am being patient and he is being understanding
A year on, how's it working out Heidi?
Same with me and my partner. He just made his first therapy appointment. I hope we continue to nurture our relationship and each other.
@@contribution741 nope! It got worse, he got more avoidant and toxic. I've worked a lot with a psychologist since then and realise how unhealthy that relationship was. It was worth it
This was recommended to me by a friend who currently has relationship issues and wanted my take on the relevance of this video.
I am struck by the power of Briana talking about "volume". This resonates with me by putting so perfectly into words the idea that we can only have the sort of and level of relationship with another person that the other person is willing and able to have. My friend is currently struggling with this very issue and needs this advice and insight offered here including the idea that (sometimes) these developments in relationships need and take time to happen. For me one of the lessons from relationships is that people are who they are and not who I want them to be.
I’ve done the sun thing with my now husband. He’s still mostly disconnected from his emotions, his range is that of a thimble - but he feels completely safe with me, and I get the totality of his emotional attention. I do encourage him to diversify, but - WORTH IT!
Please could you tell me what strategy you use when he keeps thinking that I'm not suitable partner. I married to him, but he is not fully connected with me plus he still friends with his ex for 13 years and have strong friendship connection. It's vet hurtful.
The “Sun thing?”
@@Atanasisayou need to give him the gift of your absence so he may appreciate your presence! Whether that be in a new hobby, gym membership, definitely new friends you can emotionally bond with 👉remember: one human being cannot BE all to another person👉you must have different characters in your life for ex: a friend who goes to the gym or walking w you, ladies to bowl w on a team once a week or ev other week, church friends to go to lunch with, grocery shopping, flea marketing👉while your rediscovering your potential in different relationships & build your own emotional tribe👉he’ll most likely become reattracted to you or you may even grow out of him👉either way👉you’re going to be better off no matter which way the wind blows❤
He denied me all forms of intimacy and communication. He wouldn't even look me in the eyes. And yet, he wouldn't let me go. He would gaslight, manipulate and guilt trip me into staying with him. It felt like a hostage situation. Miserable, terrible experience.
This video has gone straight to my favorites. What an amazing explanation; thank you.
I am an “open heart” who’s recently become seriously infatuated with a “rolling stone”, and I keep thinking that this person and I may very well have the potential to build something serious and solid.
You’ve described my experience and expectations perfectly, as well as this avoidant’s behavior.
I need to be mindful and patient. It will be hard, but I’m willing to give it my best.
F
waste of time
How is it going one year later?
@@angelintheraw I totally agree with you and really hope she realised that sooner rather than later. 🤞
@@ladytosha15 really curious to know. Was it worth it being patient?
...a surprisingly healthy approach in the wilderness of online coaches. Wow!
Many thanks!
I can't thank you enough for your explanation. I really needed to hear this through your words. I can't even explain what made it so to the point and different from so many other explanations. It was truly perfect!
I still love him , but decided to break it off .
Who was the avoidant? Him? Well done. May make him reflect and look inward.
me too. congratulations! xxx
good for you
Just an update.. I still kmow this person socially but feel no love or need for them. I noticed that I no longer even think about this person after seeing them. So that's it... It's important to move on
Helena Chase So glad for you! Be mindful next time and be careful not to be in the same dynamic
This was a 100% perfect and so well explained. Thank you. ❤️
You literally saved my life with this video. Thank you so much !!!
Thank you for watching and for sharing your experience. Much appreciated and well wishes on your journey.
Wonderfully perceptive and helpful. Thank you!
I'm floored. Insightful.
What a tremendous job at breaking this all down.
Brilliantly explained. Best video on this topic I’ve seen so far. Thankyou x
Super super incitful information. Spot on for how far I've come and actually advice I can apply to evolve. This is a big stretch from the narc label applied to often. Very empathetic. What a great teacher to promote self love and still empathy and respect for the others path. All the other videos are back and forth and the direction is as confusing as the rolling stone.lol. this is super direct and very accurate. Thank you so much. I look forward to learning more from you. Self love and comfort really is the key to accepting yourself and others where we are on our journeys.
Great job on the volume analogy, I think it works really well
This is a great way to look at relationships. It’s not viewed as someone who will have everything I want and need. But how compatible are we in the ways we show/want love.
Finally I feel understood and understand my situation..this is what has always been happening to me. Thank you ❤
I've never had the vocabulary to describe any of this until now. I feel so awful for being avoidant in my relationships but I dont know how to fix it....
The anxious have the same issues but the opposite end, so we as avoidant have to speak out to try to create unity and understanding so more anxious attachment style people don't create whats fast becoming an attacking stance, we see this also among channels that cover NPD cluster B personalities, borderlines and many other childhood created abuse problems if we work together from a base of willing to listen and understand we can stop the mass labels, divisions and harm inducing cycles that many platforms promote.
The way this lady just GATHERED me😭😭😭😭
Great video. Just had an avoidant person in my life. I really needed that.
The 2nd half of this video about the different levels changed my life.
Smart as always Briana
Beautiful explanation and very informative. Thanks for the video, have certainly learned more from watching this and increased understanding
Thank you for watching and for commenting.
You really have the ability not only to connect but to literally come across as though you have been and are in each persons head! Thank you so much for your videos they helped me and I am sure many others untold. You have a true talent and a huge heart and thank you xx
Crazykow Thank you for commenting. I’m glad the content has been helpful!
@@brianamacwilliam.attachment 😘 come to London.... hospitality here for you x
Wow this is so accurate. Really resonates
What you all need is more self love, self care, soothing and positive self talk (affirmations..) and hobbies. That way you will inspire your avoidant person to do such things for him/herself and this will create more secure feeling in your nervous system (becoming more securely attached). And if that has no positive effect on the avoidant one, thats okay. Its their life path. You are not here to heal them. They have to do it themselves. Learn detached compassion. 🌻🕊
You've shared some really insightful advice here. Self-love, self-care, positive self-talk, and engaging in hobbies are indeed powerful tools for personal growth and fostering a sense of security within ourselves. By practicing these self-nurturing habits, we not only improve our own well-being but also set an example for our partners.
You hit the nail on the head with the notion that we can't heal others; they must embark on their own healing journey. Learning detached compassion, where we offer support but don't take on the responsibility for someone else's healing, is a valuable lesson. It allows us to maintain healthy boundaries while still being caring and empathetic.
Your words offer guidance on building resilience and fostering secure attachment within ourselves, which can have a positive ripple effect in our relationships. Thank you for sharing these wise insights! 🌻🕊
Wow this was so insightful. Now I am able to much better understand where my avoidant partner is coming from.
This is by far the very best explanation of the Avoidant dynamic in a relationship I have ever heard on UA-cam. I am in no contact with a woman who I now recognize as the avoidant attachment type. It is incredible that you even got the timeline precise. I the first 3 months if our relationship, it was EXACTLY as you spoke about!!! Before no contact I said to her in a text that you were never really in love with me, you were infatuated like a child in a fantasy. The same thing I saw when she betrayed me and left me after 6 months for another man. She became infatuated with him and told me she was leaving me for him. I can never forget the look on her face when she said that she wants to be with him forever. It was like a child of 8 years old!!!
She is now living with him and I predict that he will end up as me. After the fantasy disappears she will leave him too.
The big question for me will be if she ever reaches out to me again, will I really want to try and re- establish our relationship and settle for crumbs, because my volume is much louder than hers!!
Thank you so much for this amazing video!!!!!!!
Eric George Thank you for commenting. I’m glad the content has been helpful!
This video was AMAZING...it was like she is telling my exact story...
this has been my life as an open heart..... wow moments. simply wow moments.
This was so on point it's scary.
This is so enlightening, thank you
Avoidant attachment people are basically anti-relationship people. Relationships are attachments. I'm so fed up with these shut-down people who don't work on themselves.
You may inform yourself a little more about that attachment style. They are dealing with issues which make them activate some coping mechanisms to push you away. Meaning, their actions won't match their words. I still don't know whether it's possible as a partner to work on that with a dismissive person but I have been dating one that is very intelligent and tries to work on herself. However, there is only so much a "healthy" (secure) person can take before you should leave or otherwise you'll have things to deal with yourself.
Do yourself a favour and RUN FROM AVOIDANTS FAR AWAY! They are A muck and they don't change even when they are at 60! Ask yourself is this push-pull dynamic nonsense even worth it...?!
You deserve better! A person who emotionally celebrates you... Not a loser who hides behind his attachment trauma being super narcissistic and dissmissive of ever being wrong and hence they don't feel the need to change or work on themselves!! 👊🏻🤬
Exactly. They’re mostly the shallow situationship type. Even the most basic things is a hassle with them not to mention when you actually really need them (imagine you get very sick and/or your job/house etc)
💯 with you on that
This just touched me in a deep place
That pill went down hard but it’s effects are sweet lol thank you
great stuff, thank you! what he gave me could have been all he could have given
Amazing content including for the open hearts.
This is what I needed to know. Thank you
I feel I shouldn’t have to beg someone to show they love me and we’re married. Why be married if your unsure? Started off dating, now he never has time for me and we’re married!!!
That’s horrible! It is something I’ve heard many times from women. Marriage seems to push them away even more, not being them closer like one would assume.
Stop chasing, begging and asking him to show he loves you. Take all your love and love yourself. Invest in being the best version of yourself in all aspects while not making any demands or having expectations. In this time of self investment you will grow, look and feel good and you'll be able to decide if you want to continue the relationship. I bet that once you focus on your own growth, he'll feel the space to come on his own terms. At that point, you must decide if his volume is enough and whether he's willing and able to meet where you would like. We should never need a partner. Be completely independent and allow him the space to bloom as stated in the video. Then you're not wasting time 'waiting' for him since you're investing in your development at the same time. Learned this the hard way.
Amor Gladiador Such wonderful wise words. Followed to the T this is the best way of handling this situation
Monay Will- Oh I so relate. I was married 9yrs.
Former spouse definitely had me confused and heartbroken. I wish I had this information back then. To this day, I feel awful, because he is a good person, great father to our adult son. I was attached( and still am) blaming myself. God bless you.
From experience, leaving is the best thing you can do, they rarely change as they can't do introspection on themselves nor care about how you feel only how they feel. You will be alone in s marriage, much better just be alone as being in a relationship and someones body being there but they are not present is 100 times more lonely than being on your own, i know I did it for fours years and am happier now. No one should have to diminish there needs for closeness to make the other person happy. Go and find a man who can love you, stay away from avoidants. X
This is an excellent explanation of the AA and DA push pull dynamic, Thank you
Glad it was helpful!
I'm just on 15:15 and I feel that I've taken some kind of course I've needed forever. Thanks Briana. You are young but somehow you know! :) Sometimes I think I've been realizing lately, whatever happens, I must be with me (this means being with God for me my richest love)...But your heart to show how it plays out, not requiring what another cannot give, but being authentic and doing your own journey is really resonating with me...really nice...
This video resonated. Probably my favorite video.
Oh dear .. I’m a rolling stone .. this is all so helpful
Excellent video. Thank you.
This is a great video. Explains my current relationship or lack thereof. Thank you. ~Tammi
Dreams Are A Reality Didn’t even answer the question in the title of this Vid! Click bait BS
Great video, thank you! Answered some of my questions. I am definitely the dismissive avoidant. Have a hunch I attract people with an anxious attachment style.
I have appreciated your videos on this topic very much. Super in depth and promotes self responsibility. What i would love to hear is the link between DA and being unwilling to work out challenges, listen to needs and grow towards healthy and calm communication. This video speaks about volume for imromacy, but i feel much of what an AA needs is Trust that comes from feeling understood and having their (reasonable) needs met consistently. I am finding DA operate as wanting the relationship to revolve around their needs, boundaries, expectations, and capacities where this is usually characterized as an AA trait. DA has been confusing, hot cold, zero conflict resolution and reactive. Its exhausting.....
great video. very mind opening. 👏👏👏👏
Thank you so much for your tutorial. Your explanations are very informative
God you’re goooood!!! I was on both sides of the spectrum. And yeah, it gets difficult keeping up with myself. I can’t afford to try and keep track with him! Come meet me or feel free to greet me . I’m fine with whatever❤️
We aren’t together, but I’ve met this girl for I guess about 2 months. I don’t exactly know how I got attached to her so fast but I did and she got really attached to me too at first she was showing signs like my attachment style which is the anxious style. She called me often and she kinda treated me different than everyone else in a way like in a better way I mean like she had a soft spot for me. And tbh I think she still does have a soft spot, she just tries to hide it. She also didn’t like it when my phone would cut the call off due to bad service. She assumed that I hung up on her and she would get a little mad/upset. I never did hang up on her, but yeah. But I noticed how when I didn’t reciprocate affection she would also then get a little mad/upset and hang up on me. Kinda like she maybe felt it was unsafe then and would quickly shut me out. But if I called her again she’d answer. For some reason all that changed and idk why. Now I barely get to talk to her otp and she barely answers my texts. Sometimes she’ll come onto me really strongly like she still has that idea of being with me, but when I return the affection she turns it off again. I’ve been trying lately to talk to her about how I feel because I’ve never really gotten much of a chance to express my side of things as far as me feeling abandoned or even getting mad. And I get mad bc I feel like she is playing with me or something and she’s broken my heart. But today I tried and she apologized. I notice that she doesn’t apologize often. But she apologized and talked a little about this whole thing between us. I had said that I feel worthless and she told me I’m not worthless. That’s the thing. It’s like it’s so hard to get to her. Like it’s hard to reach that side of her that is caring and loving and soft. She has a hard exterior she tries to make people think she’s really tough and all, but on the inside she’s really soft, sweet, genuine, caring, she just wants to be loved like me I suppose. And see when she shows me that soft side, that’s what I dig for lol. She was soft in the beginning before she became cold. And it’s like I know it’s there and I try to get her to open up. Sometimes she does. But anyway, later on I told her that even though she frustrates me and makes me so mad and upset sometimes, I still love her and she asked if she makes me mad why haven’t I just blocked her yet? I said because I love you. I’m not gonna block someone I love just cause they made me mad. And then she sent the
Good luck bro. You sound caring enough to make it. ~DA female
💜
Had almost this exact same situation, it breaks u. We both wanted it to work soooo badly but we both knew that it wouldn’t last. So when we had a fight and I finally confronted it/her, her attachment got insanely triggered causing her to say she needs to be alone. Point is. We needed to be alone and space from each other in order to heal from us and our past stuff.
I’ve watched this twice. It was very helpful for me right now. I would say that I reframed some of what you were saying in my head.
Like maybe it is possible to still love someone unconditionally without shrinking your circumference by relocating your circumference, ie finding a more suitable partner(s). I don’t have to stop loving them. I just accept the relationship and them for what they can give, and move on from the idea they can fulfill my needs, wants, and desires of a romantic partnership if they prove to be unable to overtime.
Append: You see a lot of this towards the end! Hmm, maybe I’m setting in a more secure space these days. 😁
11 years together, two children, wish I could have learned this years ago😢🤦🏻♀️
Thanks for sharing!
Subscribed after finding this video at just the right time.
Thank you so much... this has helped me to better understand her.
So so helpful. Wish I knew this years ago
This makes so much sense
Great stuff. Thank you
Wow, very good and informative video, now I understand why my relationships haven't lasted . I am an open heart and I seem to keep finding and falling for the rolling stone women and yes your definitely on point after 4 months they are gone. I keep hearing I love you , I love you let's get married and just when I get on board with the idea they just disappear. It's like all I hear is I love you ,goodbye.
Yeah, they keep professing their love as they drive away from you 🤣 Its pathetic!!
This all makes as much sense as not driving a car, just because you had an accident - as a child.
Great insight. I would add though that the anxious partner must be aware that sometimes the avoidant may also have some toxic traits. They may on one hand say oh I just need some time to open up, on the other hand they are gaslighting you or may actually be manipulating in other ways. Try to discern what is avoidant behavior and what is toxic behavior. I find that I hung on a bit too long, sometimes from getting insight like this and then saying to myself "alright, let's give her some time" then I'd get further hurt from mixed messages, gas lighting, blurry boundaries, and avoidant tendency.
All is good though, it's a great opportunity to heal and become more securely attached.
Thank you :) you truly gave me so much insight.
I've never heard anyone give value to anger - because it served me in some way - and then let it go. 💡
Thank you, very very interesting!
Self abandonment is the same as not loving ones self. Needing the partner to fulfill ones empty energy.
So the avoidant is blamed for not living up to the emotional obligations.
Emotional attachment is normal in a relationship (give and take) being an emotional island is not normal (take don't give) being emotionally needy is not normal either (give don't receive). Avoidants should avoid relationships all together but they don't, yet they make others feel "needy" for wanting a natural emotional bond with them. That's some goofy stuff..
Tonya R. So true. It’s awful, and not conductive to a strong relationship.
@@findmeanewplanet some people are needy though. Like the anxious types. Needy as hell.
Shin ppl like you should not be in a relationship and just live by themselves plz
Not really. Why do people enter relationships? For connection. To feel seen/heard. To do activities together. If someone is your boyfriend/girlfriend and doesn’t show up in the relation, what’s the point??
Hello,
I was after the answer to your question was;
What attracts avoidant partners in relationships?
Meaning? As in the individual being the avoidant how is there thinking prior to having a relationship?
And the other individual? What was reciprocated to going ahead with the relationship?
Also if it was 2 individuals on a higher level of knowledge can that be picked up?
And if so, this would be a unhealthy pattern, which consists in continuing until the individual picks up on their patterns & works on Themselves so they can heal preventing this wound? With moderate self evaluation?
I've read so many cruel comments not knowing if they have truly experienced it. And if so have they healed. Has a happy moderate life style and can still be mentally healthy to tell their story, we are all here for the right reasons and we are here to help another. Each one teach one.
Respectfully
Lyrical.Luv
Love n Light
Res