How Narcissists Live Day to Day
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- Опубліковано 13 лют 2016
- Looking beyond the illusion, in this video I talk about what narcissists are really doing, and how I think they're feeling, everyday.
Check out my book "The 16 Signs of a Narcissist" by clicking below right now:
understandingnarcissists.com/...
Here is a list of what Narcissists usually do to their targets :
- Insults their target very often. Then lie when confronted about it, or say it was a joke.
- When confronted with their behavior, they pretend to be innocent and play the victim.
- Everything is always your fault, even when it's obviously not.
- They always have a justification for every bad thing they do. They think they're always right.
- Very controlling, they tell you how to live, but they can live anyway they want. Very hypocritical.
- They accuse you of what they're doing to you (RED FLAG!), it's called Projection.
- Portraying themselves as angels outside, when they are actually demons with their family and especially their target.
- They want you to fail, while pretending to want you to succeed (they're very convincing).
- They never say they are sorry for hurting you (RED FLAG!).
- Poison your favorite activities, they don't want you to be happy or to get pleasure. They also poison other useful activities like important skills which will help you in the future. They DO NOT want you to have skills, they want you to be as weak as possible. They don't teach you anything.
- Subtly lead a smear campaign against their target, so they isolate it and make sure they don't get help.
- When you want to leave the relationship with a narcissist, they beg you to stay with them and cry crocodile tears. They are the best actors.
- Sometimes nice, sometimes cruel. You never know where you stand with them.
- They pretend to be "victims", and they blame the target for their own behavior.
- They are incredibly arrogant and sadistic. They see the target as weak, and deserving to suffer.
- They think they are models to be followed.
- They are spiritually dead although they might loudly profess some kind of Spiritual Belief.
Oblivion Darkheart I feel you
That is so true you hit the nail on the head they are demons pretending to be spiritual they will suck the happiness out of you like a vacuum
Exactly!!!
Amen!!
Yes, hit the nail on the head.
They also use/copy religion to manipulate others - which they know has a high % of success and may even have a messianic-complex - "just here to save the world!"... ya,right!
The hardest part of all of this is my mind cannot concept just being mean for the fun of it.
They are emotionally stunted and it's a mental illness and they just can't help themselves unfortunately
+Believe In love
Yep. It's pathological. It makes them feel important. Either that or they are trying to 'punish' you for something their pathological brain conjured up. It defies reason.
+connectingTheDots it's actually scary, if our thoughts are so loving and wanting the best for them and others, that they are thinking "how can I destroy her for being so happy" I must of been a challenge for sure because I help EVERYONE.
+GMarie -Behind The Mask- dang I just had another aha moment. My ex narc kept saying I was the longest girlfriend he ever had. Uuugh I took it as a compliment and now I see the truth, I was so happy all the time, I was harder to destroy for him. When we broke up, it was because I wouldn't shut up about helping his teenage son who was on drugs. I also wouldn't move in with him. In my heart he needed to focus on his son. I got discarded 😇
I agree. I can’t understand the why.
you are right,and there is never a real friendship,love,communication connection,its like living with a robot.you will never be emotionally nourished.there's just no feeling there.
Now that it's all over (he left w/o saying one word), I get these flash backs and I am realising that even in troubled waters ( boat was in danger with us inside ), etc. I never ever heard him say ONE kind word of compassion: he would just turn on his side and go to sleep! They are sick, sick and sick !!!!!!
You're absolutely right. How I didn't realize this, though, while I was in the relationship is the perplexing part. Yes, I knew there was a depth missing, yes I knew he had a certain 'coldness' in him but it never actually clicked that he didn't care. I know now that it was all me, I was seeing my love and empathy reflecting off of him and back on to me. The problem is (ok, there are many)is that this is unsustainable and literally dries your spirit/life essence up!! Still healing and getting strong but so grateful I'm really free of it all!!!😢💓💓
I've known a narcissist, they can talk to you, but you can't really talk to them. They can be overly emotional, but actually only for themselves, or their own standpoints(which in terms redirects to themselves). It was a girl l knew online, l told her she might be one.......... Let's just say it was not a good plan. The saddest thing is that despite the fact that they can use people for anything, the reality is, is that the one most suffering is themselves. Narcissists can only be happy when life turns out their way, which is rarely the case since they can not really influence the reality, since they don't take the first step into acknowledging what the reality is. Also you can't maintain friendships for too long. Things that might seem minor in the beginning, become major issues in the long run.
Narcs equate bowing down to them and WORSHIPING them and being a door mat FOR them as "love." That is the definition of "love" for a narc.
While allowing them to covertly cut you down and devalue you. They live to plant self doubt in your mind. They need you to value their opinion over your own.
So true. It's not love its compliance.
It's as though they try to live vicariously thru their victim in order to feel "normal"
Mine has to feel superior, I believed she loved me, but she was jealous and in competition with me and I did not realize it. Instead of observing her behavior as confusing, I ""understood" her by eroding confidence in myself. I must be the misunderstanding one. Now I know it was her, not me, and my trust and loving nature was exploited. I got the message that I should never exceed her, that I not dare feel proud or express confidence - remember doom was around the corner waiting for such arrogance. She feels threatened by my acheivements, so I downplay them. Nope, feeling normal is not enough, they need to feel superior..., at our expense.
YESSSSS! So creepy. I know that myself and our kids were just his facade of normalcy. Just somewhere to land and play house between other conquests and feedings. Again, so freakin' creepy!
There is no fixing them, only removing them from your life.
Right, they don’t want to hear the truth about themselves......ever!!! And don’t tell them anything. I learned the hard way with my co-worker. I knew he was crazy but the more I told him the more he used it against me. Never tell them anything especially about your personal life
THE most underrated channel. Hands down. I love how .... umm.... unassumingly sophisticated his ideas are. I feel good when I listen to this guy. Usually my heart will sink slowly into my guts. But not here. Best wishes everybody xxx
Children living in an adult body , their toys aren't plastic trucks and sand on the beach but rather the toys are like sex, other people, money, cars, drugs....etc.
+GGator Country Absolutely. That is on point. They will often seem like the peter pan syndrome types, inconsiderate and unaccountable, flitting off to please every whimsy... other times they're just the selfish type who hoards everything away for themselves, spending big on their fun and throwing only scraps to the family -- financially, attention wise, etc. With either type sometimes its a matter of feast and famine, most of the time being famine, and feast getting smaller and smaller with time until bread and water from these assholes looks like tea and cakes!
"you have to be their cardboard cutout." That would explain the sense that no real human connection is possible.
That is exactly what I wrote to my Mommy Dearest in my cut off letter. That I was nothing but a "cardboard cutout" to them, that they did not see and refused to see the REAL ME. This was 2 years ago.
In short: Be Glad That You’re Not Them.
For they sleep not, unless they have done mischief; and their sleep is taken away, unless they cause someone to fall. Proverbs 4:16
That's why my ex never sleeps.
Lol! No wonder my husband never sleeps. I learned how to no longer feed him and now he's so malnourished that he's having dificulties sleeping. 😂😂😂
@@lilithstar9045 that kind of diet is too strict
Shanur Rahman not strict enough
@@lilithstar9045 well then make it stricter 😆😆
I called mine a malignant narcissist and told him that he'd never abuse me in any way ever again and went.completely no contact and never saw or spoke to him again. And I'm glad I did.
''They're fundamentally children, doing what they want'' you have just pretty much described my entire ex in one whole sentence. Thank you for sharing this. i will subscribe to you.
'children pretending to be adults...'
yes. exactly.
No joke.
That is what I felt when I started dating, but man i fell in love so bad, i started ignoring everything. Love is blind I guess
daniela galarte
They are criminals ☠️
Yes, it's sooo creepy. Like they're possessed mannequins holding an insane dinner party, and you better follow the script! Get out!
“It looks like something you’re always working towards but can never really get to it, because … they’d panic… without that obstruction.”
In the beginning he built me up to be the best thing in the world, so full of life and now..he has worn me down to a shell, I'm exhausted..and now? He comes off like Mr Fun with the great personality and me not so friendly:( I'm so ready to take my life back!
+Adrienne Starr An interesting dynamic of narcissists , like Scott said in this video , is the idea that you are not a "free moving" target. All of the plans , agendas and activities around a narcissist will ALWAYS limit the number of things you can do. It's almost like a constand game of "hot and cold" with every move you make around a narcissist! That's the trait that is bothering you on a subconcious level , even though you like the activites this dude is organizing , you have this annoying and everlasting absence of control! As time goes by you are suffocated by the gradually decreasing number of available options you have around this toxic person! It's like...the only thing you can see is the communication channel between the two of you , that at first seemingly worked in both direction , now works only in one direction! The narcissist telling you what to do basicly , and how to think , and what to like , and what to believe and even what to feel!
The clockwork inside his brain is actually much , much uglier that what's comming across. This person has allowed himself to automate the responses towards your questions and concerns , to the point where he has established a custom-tailored "fuck off" phrase for anything you might call him out on! For him you are a tool that needs to be given the right voice commands , and is too emotionally weak to see through the soft smiles and "there there"s. When you have a concernt , the agenda is not "Why do you really worry about this?" , the questions is "How do we stop this pesky worrying and get you back to doing what you were supposed to?"!!!
Just smell that evil , never talk with it about this and walk away! You know when your feelings are being managed instead of looked at. As a female you should know to end all relations with this person immediately!! As as a guy I stayed around for too long , taking heartlessness as a man-to-man behavoir , rather than the truly psychopathic , selfish and harmful thing that it is!
You can do it! Mine did the same thing.
thanks,,I truly hope so. I'm so sick of the vicious cycle and noone understanding..because he comes off as "such a nice guy" ugh
Adrienne Starr Another horrible procedure is the externalization of your opinion and decision making. Like , I am 100% sure that this idea that he comes off as "such a nice guy" is repeated/established more by the narcissist than anyone around him. He takes a couple of key words from other people and he kind of paints himself the way he likes to.
Know this , noone can understand the cycle you are going through , because the bastards is selectively abusing YOU. Infact , he may be extra nice to other peolple as to protect himself in advance from any claims you might make against him. And he's not just abusing you , he's grooming you and modeling your behavoir to serve his evil ass. Answer me this , in his professional life , is he obssesed with being in charge of people and becoming a "leader" or a "manager"? Is controlling and scamming other people pretty much his only prospect in life? Seriously , don't wait for anyone else to confirm your worries , freedom doesn't work like that.
Again , just think about how much of this "other people" positive opinion actually comes from other people , and how much of it just "accidentally" came from the narccisist's mouth...
Yes , I'm dealing with one of these assholes myself... He is a tenacious prick, does everything being said in these videos... I'm trying to get myself together to get away from him... He is so Nasty.... Thanx for listening!!
10:10
My whole life with my mother, I was an emotionless shadow, while she played Mother Theresa
that was my ex narcs favorite thing to say; that i was one dimensional, bland personality and had glassy eyes like an empty doll. i think thats just what he wanted me to be. who even says stuff like that? these people are so fucked up.
+Infinite Kiwi Two opposing thoughts came to mind when reading your interesting comment. First, that he was projecting and that what he described is exactly who HE is. Or second, that his fake persona is multi-dimensional (as in alien or demonic) and he views humans as lower than he is because they aren't multi-dimensional. Very, very interesting what he said. I do find that the description he put onto you is exactly how I would describe my narc neighbor.
+Patrice Page soooo on point, thanks for sharing. and its funny because he always used to say "I am not like you - I am martian" in a sarcastic way but now I know he really believes that he is superior in all ways. "You think I dont know how perfect, awesome, great etc I am?" He loved that line too. its just mind boggling. after five years, i give you my best, let you into my heart, show you everything about me and my world and at the end thats all you see me as? a background character, flat, 1D. it couldnt be further from the truth. either he has the vision of a dead fish or yes he was indeed projecting hard :P
+Infinite Kiwi He's the empty one. Projection right there. Narcs are empty shells. There is NOTHING inside them...except rage.
+Infinite Kiwi
Wow. Yes so narc.
I think mine once said in a sarcastic way "I'm a unicorn". I was on to him and he knew that.
Pathetic narc stuff.
Infinite Kiwi I know it's not a popular theory, but I fully believe these people have been infiltrated, taken-over or possessed by multi-dimensional entities. The fact that they all do the SAME bizarre things and have an amazing almost supernatural way to destroy others is just too hard to ignore. Wow, you should write up your experiences. I would love to read them!
You nail it right on the head! Narcissists love to be able to do and behave any way they want and not have to either hear about it from someone else, or have to face repercussions for their behavior. This is why I find that no contact works so well with them. Narcissists; like any more form of a bully, they behave the way they do because they have probably behaved this way their whole life and they've never had their hand slapped back in response to their behavior. No Contact is basically an on-set non-verbal hand-slap; you're setting boundaries and you're telling the narcissist that you're in the driver's seat of your life, not them. Nothing says, "No More", like getting up and walking away from them or not responding at all. They can't say anything back and they actually have no other choice but to deal with the consequences of their behavior.
May i ask how you learned or became aware of a thing that is for me a complex personality type, i was married to one for 17 years and never imagined what i was dealing with. your descriptions are spot on to the extent that i have realized they are all the same . simple minded soul eating monsters, destroying me and my children, without a care.I can't thank you enough, you are my brother. Thank you.
"The one who's losing all the energy is you." YES!!! Sorry but all caps yes. I have dated several and just tangled with a narc acquaintance, and this time I was armed, I knew how to screw with him back, pull his strings, endear myself to him (oh only temporarily of course)... Its always, always, a losing game. If you want to feel ok, all you can do is get away from the narc.
" Because its all made up "... they are deranged...
They don't like you calling them a Narc because they know you finally understand them for who they are. When You finally understand their NarcISH intentions for what they truly are... That smoke screen clears They become transparent... It's like looking through a window. In some cases it's like looking through an open one. I Totally understand that Safety comes first when dealing with a Narcissistic person... Helping them is not an option and that's my opinion... don't play into their games leave the ball in their court, when they decide to throw that ball... Don't ever pick it up, just simply walk away. A choice made by me, a long time ago.
Exactly!
'They keep a schedule if it helps to be in control'... 'they are like children running around doing whatever they want'
YES! YES! YES!
When I visit schools I try to arrive a bit early to allow for sign-in, set-up, etc. Often the Kindergarten-Gr. 1 teachers offer to 'skip calendar', etc. to start right away. I generally politely decline. The little ones often get genuinely upset when you deviate from their regular, expected schedule.
I had never before made this connection to the behaviour of my narc mother. Hearing you say the above points something clicked in me. You are so right! If my narc mother's plans were changed she would have a meltdown. E.g. if she was driving somewhere to arrive a particular time and was rerouted because a major accident caused a roadblock my narc mother would get genuinely upset that her plans had been changed. Where most of us were feeling concern for those involved in the accident and the emergency people helping out, NM would be angry at them for messing up her schedule.
The narcs truly do have the emotional maturity of three-five year olds. The differences are a) the narcs have the physical maturity, and life experiences of adults; and b) little children are supposed to have a certain level of self-centredness. At that stage of life children are discovering that they have a 'Self' that is separate from their parents and are supposed to spend a fair amount of time focusing on their Selves to try to learn who they are as separate beings. The unhappy part is that the narcs seem like they never got past this stage of development; they have never developed emotionally past the self-centredness of little children. The unfortunate other part is that while the narcs are so wholly focussed on themselves, they also seem to have clung to the idea that others are in fact not separate from them but turn the tables so that they see themselves as being in control of all and everyone around them (where little children generally view the adults, rather than themselves, as having this type of power.
they are demon possessed 4 yr olds!!
Nothing is ever simple with a narcissist. They love chaos. They plan to take over the world-like Pinky and The Brain. I think it makes them feel important and special in some way. This kid is bang on!
I don't remember where I read it, but there was a quote that said something like:
"The truth is a lion let it out and it will defend itself" or something to that effect.
That doesn't work with narcissists, narcissists are dinosaurs. They're t-rexes. You put a lion against a t-rex and the t-rex will tear it apart. That's what it's like with narcissists, they're devourers of the truth.
Now I know why my mother was an employer and never an employee, and she always employed vulnerable people too - she had a small army of low-paid enablers that depended on her so she could victimise them relentlessly - with impunity!
Can you elaborate? I've suspected this about narcissists I've known
Yep. You are right on. They cannot function on their own. They NEED you around them and they NEED your attention on them all the time. After working 12 hour night shifts I was greeted at the door by my narc mom, who was staying with me for a few weeks. She was so relieved to see me like being alone for 12 hours was torture for her. When all I wanted to do was go to sleep, she would get mad and call me names. She could not stand to be without me and she could not entertain herself either. It was very draining to be made to feel guilty for needing to sleep or be made to feel like I had to babysit her.
+grand454 Sometimes they have a dragon mentality about us too... they stash us away, keep us on a shelf, daring us to leave the small space we occupy as they keep an eye on us, while they go and do as they please. I spend years watching my ex narc ignore me for world of warcraft, and unbeknownst to me at the time, cheating with some whore from a bowling alley as well.... all while I was home waiting for some attention. The only time I didn't crave his attention was for about 45 minutes after I got home from work, where I needed to shower, have a few glasses of wine, check my emails, and wind down... THAT was the only time he pounced on me, forcing me to pay attention to him, even after I explained that I needed some introvert shut-down time. See, then he could say "Well I tried to pay attention to you but you were not interested...." So he could keep me on a shelf while talking to girls online and playing that stupid fucking g ame.
I quit my best friend about 2 years ago. I noticed indications of some type of personality disorder almost 10 years ago (we'd been best buddies for almost 28 years before I stopped all contact) but I couldn't put my finger on it. At first I thought he was a sociopath, but no. I think covert narcissist is the correct term for this person.
Everything you describe, he does. Your comments are the most spot-on I've seen so far, and there are a lot of videos out there about narcissists.
The same thing happened to me, with a friend whom I'd known since teenage. She morphed into being a narc, i.e. her personality changed, after many years of living in California... It's a very sad state of affairs.
They are mainly immature adults tormenting anyone that stands in their way. Sadly, I feel like I have to walk on egg shells whenever I am around my two narcs. You are a chess piece in their fantasy world. I can't wait to get physically away from them to find real peace in my life.
ElusvOptmst1 How are you doing now??
They are not good people! There good actors! They know how to reel you in!!💯
Awesome stuff. Once you start moving around they get uncomfortable and you can see how childish they are and how emotionally and psychologically cannot deal with challenges
My ex was definitely a narcissist. Took me a few years to figure that out.
*The Roar Within:* I'm sorry to hear you had to go through that horrible experience, and I hope you've got a much better life now that some time has passed.
It took me 23 YEARS to discover what my narc is - he just abandoned me in Nov. 2017! I had no idea these people existed and when he abandoned me - SUDDENLY, he acted normally right up until the last second! He never treated me badly or called me names (of course we had arguments like every other couple - but there was nothing that was bad enough for him to just suddenly pack up and have a pair of fools he knows (but I don't) come into our house and move his stuff to an apartment (after having told me all year, we "couldn't afford" things, and we were living pay check to pay check!). He had his 'friends' move him out, while we were at my daughter and son-in-law's babysitting our grandson!! He never said ONE word about there being anything wrong between us, but the night he left, he left me a long list of my perceived faults (which were all outright lies!) - and when I called him about it, to make him explain himself, he said that list was "just the tip of the iceberg"!! I gave him 23 years of my life, and all I got in return, was basically a big "F-you!!" and a slap in the face (both figuratively).
I've been devastated ever since and I miss what I thought he was to me - a best friend. Obviously he never saw me that way. He did the same thing to his first wife - just left her suddenly with 2 children. I believed the sob story he told me about her being an abusive, controlling monster, because he had been a good friend to my late husband and his family when they were in high school - so I thought he was a good, honest person. I couldn't have been more wrong!!
.
Carol Wildermuth. I was in there 3 years in the 80's. And 5 years from 2010. I felt destroyed 2-3 years. Ruined big part of my life.
@@carolruthlaelveress4630: Yes, but they hide it so well and make you believe that they're good, decent people, so it's hard to see what they are. When you fall in love with someone, you don't want to believe that they could be this type of person, so you keep ignoring the red flags, until it's too late! Because of this horrible experience I will never be able to trust any man again, but then, I'm certainly not interested in finding someone else, so I guess I won't have to worry about getting hooked up with another narc!
20 years for me, I had no idea these type of people existed. I was devastated for 9 months but now I'm thankful. I'm ready to start my life narc free...
@@leahboynton1280: So sorry to learn that you had to go through this, but that you're now seeing your life in a positive light. It's a year and a half for me, and I'm still devastated by the way he just suddenly abandoned me without any type of discussion or hint from him that there was anything wrong between us. Like you, I didn't know these people existed, and my narc certainly didn't seem like that type of person. I wish you all the best for the future!!
I knew a narcissist who goes above his manager and talks to upper manager about his manager. He always gets them fired, and he ends up getting their job in the end. Basically he plots to be above everyone.
"I'm a good guy" exclaimed the unemployed liar, cheater, stalking scheming manipulator.
+MaryLynn My narc told me he'd changed only to lie and claim he raped me when I was passed out and he went into a lot of detail in order to try to traumatize me -- thats the last time I allowed him to contact me. He also kept making reference to "YOUR ALCOHOLISM" when I'm not an alcoholic, but he drinks while on the job... they love to project.
athanaisdc I am so sorry this happened to you.
How are you doing?
We must stay away from these people and trust our intuition going forward.
{{Hugs}}
+MaryLynn Thank you! I am ok, I have done a lot to recover... I like to share my experiences when I see they can relate to someone elses in order to help others understand. I was better able to understand narc abuse through reading others experiences more easily than purely the abstract... I think that people have a lot to gain through relating to others. : )
Wow by any chance that guy lives in NJ?
Most cluster Bs are predatory!
I told my elderly narc aunt that I was doing some reading on narcissim. She said "that's a big word." Isn't that exactly the kind of response you would expect to get from a narc?
She told me a story once (I guess she trusted me enough to tell me the ugly truth)....She used to be a college prof and there was this student who was failing so she told him that she would work with him to help bring his grade up if he would meet her at her office. But, then when she was walking to her office (and tired) she said she could see him up ahead already waiting for her at her door she said she could feel her blood boil! It had made her look good to make the offer, but she hated being held to her obligation!
+Valerie H Terrible. You wonder how anyone can just be like this, because people that are not Narcs. do not fathom thinking like this.
+Karen Kalyen Lee Dunleavy I was surprised that she would admit it since it didn't make her look very nice, but as usual I had no comment....just filed it away.
wtf, who does that?
+Valerie H My ex admitted one thing too that I can not fathom why she revealed it. It was that she had a guy in love with her who came from another city to visit, and he found her near-naked after she did a massage - a career she had neglected to mention. I knew from the first hour I met her, she still managed to be 100x worse than my nightmares. I never really fell deeply in love although it was there. I cannot imagine the poor SOB who travels all the way to see his fiancee and discovers he'd been completely and totally had. I found her name listed in his city, I bet she ran off on him thinking she'd avoid the confrontation. She tried the same with me after having me arrested after she was hitting me! Tried to flee after months of dating every day. I did not let her, I needed her to get the charges dropped so I had to narc her pretending I was still smitten and ignorant for a year until everything worked out.
Wow, stories like this are true nightmares. I'm glad that you were able to get it worked out though it must've been one hell of a year!
All I can say is that I am so thankful that I had the internet to inform me on what I was dealing with and am grateful for the comfort and guidance that I was able to get!
The former was always watching me like a prison guard, it was so creepy that I got such a horrible feeling.
Fascinating videos. I unfortunately have a boss whom I have finally found the explanation for. Absolutely impossible to work for because the man is so so sick.
Narcissists resent work. Usually they will express deep dissatisfaction to their family concerning their work, but not to others outside the family circle. They are according to them not suited to this work, did not get the breaks, were overlooked for promotion, don't work for the 'right' company, and of course it is the wife or families fault. If you look at their role you will find that they leave degrees half finished, they seldom undertake further education contenting themselves with what it took to get in the door, Basically they are so fabulous that they don't need to do the kinds of things others do to change career or get promoted. Their lofty selves are unappreciated. With regard to doing as they please the irony is that they even do this when they own their own business, essentially robbing themselves.
Your never too old to go back to school. They could go back and get their masters. People do it all the time. If their jobs are stagnant they go back to reup their careers. They are lazy and feel they are entitled. Basically distracted by life.
They get worse with age, the last one I encountered is 68 years old,
Rocker Girl i agree
Gat dang, it can get worse????
Tell me about it. My great aunt is in a nursing home right now. She's using my grandma as her supply. The first thing that woman does in the morning is call my grandma and make her feel incompetent or useless for something she didn't get right. And no one at the home can withstand her.
So true. The one I knew is now nearly 65. Reallllly old but delusional thinking he will find someone 20 years his junior. Gross to the gross. I hope all women he interacts with figures out what he is. His mask falls off very quickly in his old age, so I’m confident this will be his karma.
was always taken aback by how furiously enraged he'd become for having to fulfill something HE volunteered \promised to do...like what???
Ohhh, 2 DISLIKES!!!
Why can't they just find each other, and
LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER ???
LOL !!!
Lol 😂😂😂
i dont think narcs can be with narcs.
Laurie LaRock bad idea
Yeah 2 narcs can be together, but the smarter and more controlling one usually stays on top. It's always more than caotic,and never ends well.
Lmao!!!
You are the Sherlock Holmes of the Narc Mind! Much gratitude and great delight in finding your channel. In my heartbreak and grief, I found myself chuckling and soothed with this video.
My Narsi would tell me that " Hes a grown man he can do whatever he wants". My Narsi keeps a lot of friends. men and women that are completely fooled.
The "friends" they keep around are their minions or window dressing to give themselves credibility (as well as narc supply superficially) while they devour their targets/victims behind the scenes.
A BIG thank you for your BRILLIANCE . you are VERY cleaver & truly gifted . I am messed up as ever because of fear . Never feel safe . BUT learning . You are one smart person .
Scheming is one of their favorite activities. When narc ex husband wasn't scheming how to swindle someone, he was scheming how to manipulate me and his other affair partners. Yes, became enraged with obligations and commitments. Even a vacation he previously agreed to go on. Narc admitted he'd never visit his parents if he wasn't "obligated" due to a pending inheritance. I seriously think one reason he refused to file his taxes was to hide from me how little money he made. Me seeing 14k gross one year (while doing our taxes) really blew his grandiose delusion (but it was consistent with his victim stance that he was broke).if that makes any sense. Another paradox!
+Randy Andretti
Mine also was permanently broke. Over-spender. My friends thought he was rich. ;-)
+UA-cam Commentor me too.
+Randy Andretti My ex was such a lazy scheming loser that although she had a perfectly well-paying self-run career in aesthetics - in her own damned studio in her own semi-commercial apartment.. she STILL manages to call me excited about a site called justmakemoney... that was one of those signs that set off alarms. She was of course, taken for her passport and credit card and scammed. Still she learned nothing. She soon after downloaded an app for slot machines, it cost her fifty dollars. But she did not read, the fifty bucks was for the game, there was not real money to be won. This defines her. She started watching dogs... she made great money.. easy job. Two dogs later, she quit. All her ideas,businesses and scams I discovered came from one individual person she hide from the others in her life each. So for 10 men she dated, there were 10 'lives' and many involved mirroring the target's interest. She tried to build her own website to become or compete or whatever with me, but could not manage it. She never admitted defeat, and does not know this but I found several of her attempts. She signed up for a few free website builders, and started, but never got further than her address and name in the title. I'm not surprised. She met me and mirrored my claims of youtube addiction, she had me going forever until it dawned on me she had never really given an in-depth reaction to a video. That is when the extent of her mirroring hit me. She had no patience, she's a psychopathic sexual predator addicted to dating sites... she's probably not watched more than an hour of youtube over the entire course of her life. I will add she also escorts, massages, sells cigarettes, scalps tickets, restores furniture and cleans apartment building estates and if I was not tired I am sure I could add a few more. Oh yes! HAHA,... of course.. she has been on welfare for fifteen years and because she has never moved her apartment is beautiful and costs less than her monthly cheque. So she doesn't even have to work to survive yet she is busy selling her body one hour for $300 and sweating the next week under sun and rain cleaning dirty floors for 40 hours to make $300 the next! Insanity it appeared to me... until I realized it was all about supply. In truth she only escorted once when her escort friend came into town and was seeing a regular. She did it for the experience or supply or whatever but jesus christ who the hell does that for anything other than the money to survive? She does not even do drugs! Supply supply supply... its the foundation I often forget is at the root core. An addiction in which people are drugs defines it better than an evil intent to harm. We're objectified, so cannot be harmed in their addicted minds. They quit us the way we might quit drinking cola.
+Luci Bloom - lol. Is that what you think?
Luci Bloom
I think it's a myth that prostitutes enjoy having sex with their punters (of course this is what they would say, because this is what their clients want to hear, together with "I have never have done this before").There is something deeply dysfunctional about having to sell your body. A great number of prostitutes are victims of sexual abuse. So they've got no boundaries and hardly any feeling of self worth. Prostitutes get (often physically) abused by their pimps. They might also get abused by their punters. Also many prostitutes are trafficked. So they are crime victims. Many people resort to prostitutions because of financial hardship.
I don't know about somatic narcissists though.
Went through all of this. Still hurts so much
Hurts me too. I'm sorry ♡
Keke Thanks, Keke. I'm sorry too X
+Snappy60 Hurts like hell b/c I recently allowed myself to be duped/fooled again. Totally thought that he had changed or was working on changing. I am so angry with myself...sigh!
+Sherrie Johnson Sorry Sherrie. I am so tempted to make contact but stopping myself.
+Snappy60 I still have lots of "triggers" from my relationships with narcs... a phrase, a look, a touch, something that reminds me of a LOADED as fuck gesture from them and I feel rageful or depressed... One of them used to think it was funny to pick/poke at any body part that wasn't completely skin-tight-toned, in order to demean me... I still can't let men touch me in certain places because of it.
Absolutely. If I did ANYTHING that the narc didn't want me to do like talk to a friend, well you better believe he was "getting me back". He would give me the silent treatment and ghost me. He would leave and not come home and when I tried to call him he wouldn't answer and then finally he would come home later on that night drunk and acting like he didn't even know I was calling him. Or he would do a number of different things to show me that if I did ANYTHING he didn't approve of then I better be prepared for the storm that awaits. The worst part about it is he didn't care WHAT he had to do even if it meant breaking the law to do it. These people are insane and dangerous. They are just so miserable and can't stand to see us happy.
i know what a narcissist's day to day life is like. they have an image of themselves, and everyday is an effort to either build it or keep it from falling apart. you are only as good as how much you could help them build it. in any way they see fit. and if you don't, they have huge meltdowns, in private or even in public. and it's always your fault. if either of your parents is a narc, you'd still be hurting even after their death.
you are so young, yet have much wisdom,I have had these experiences and did not know what it was until I was around age 50.
From what I have seen, the mildest of threat to them is like a death sentence. They just never want to be in a defensive position. That is their self defence. They are actually cowards trying to pretend to be strong. They need you, you don't need them
The sad part is, despite all of this all of the pain, I just wanted to help
"the illusion is just set up to destroy you" brilliant
Never tell a narcissist they're a narcissist - that's good advice cause I was about to tell my narcissist doctor that I know all about her.
Every male narc I've known wasted a tremendous amount of time watching porn and getting drunk/high.
Omg this is so true of them.
Yes Yes Yes
I liked your video. At the very end you talked about their interrupted ability to experience love. It reinforced my belief they have attachment issues. They can't attach in a healthy way, so they find or create (their children) people who do love them, or who they manipulate into loving and/or obeying them, or who feign love and/or obedience to avoid their wrath. This is a monumental achievement on their part. The control is intoxicating. Unfortunately, people can't sustain that level of self sacrifice and acceptance for anyone else. We have to take care of our own selves. Then, you also pointed out they are trying to get the love they never got from their parents. Well, if it is your parents, I guess you become your own grandparents. Which is really creepy when you think about it.
My answers always end with the narc telling me my answers change from day to day and I say YES Thats called being ALIVE. Which makes me think they must imagine others as objects.
"you are going to destroy their life" - soooooo true
Christin Lewin I already destroyed mine...
They destroy their own lives for not taking care of their business.
My co-worker is a total narc. He is a 50 year old male who acts like a 6 year old girl. It took years to reveal what he really is. Extremely manipulative. It's amazing to watch them do their dirty deeds. He is a textbook case. I treat him as if he doesn't exist, which seems to help a lot. But I know he was behind a death threat I received from his flying monkey. Pure evil served up on a daily basis. What a waste of a human being. They are truly tormented souls.
I made the mistake of calling my ex a narcissist and he turned it around and now he calls me one.
+CybernetikDark
That seems to happen more often than not.
Narcs always use the old I'm-rubber-you-are-glue tactic.
I remember when I taught my Narc the word "projection" and then he started using it to describe me all of the time. He'd say, "I'm glad you taught me that word 'projection' because that's what you do" which was totally absurd crazy making since all he ever did was project. This was coming from a guy who came back to our relationship with an STD after sleeping around and told me that I actually was the one who had it, not him (!) Talk about an example of projection on a totally delusional scale!! These people are ridiculous.
Narcissistic abuse caused me to become narcissistic. Not to everyone but totally to the narcissist. I don't care!
Yes they are children in grown bodies doing
what they want, Unreal these people.Self love is what you want to strive for ,learning how to self love yourself 😊
The two R's...rigged and regime are spot on. Love is not a language they seem to understand. That sounds a cliche statement...But...It is like talking to a wall or a ladder and expecting it to understand that you love it! It just cannot work. It didn't go anywhere yesterday and it won't be going anywhere tomorrow either. It is the Merry go round round that only leaves the non Narc dizzy. No wonder stability is eaten away day by day. It is better to be alone and tune into ones own needs, ideas, sorrows, joy, plans, dreams etc than to 'share' anything with a Narc. For the times it may seem worthwhile these times will be outnumbered for sure by the intel you are giving the narc...thinking you are 'sharing' while you are giving them ammo to turn on you. Sharing and being bled out end up the same thing with a Narc in the end. It is like a wasting syndrome. Your very life atrophies.
It's a game you are never meant to win.
Mine actually said to me that he feels more comfortable around dysfunction! So many things he said to me were like a confession of being a narc, without actually saying it. They let you know what they are...you just have to know what they are really saying. In a strange way I feel like he respects me more for not running back to him, whilst also hating me at the same time. Sifting through what was the BPD elements and what was pure narcissism in his behaviour has been interesting.
+Luci Bloom Oh yes, there is much opportunity in chaos... they like when people are a little off balance for whatever reason, its a crack in the psyche and they slip right in like a demon.
My ex has a sick attraction to suicidal BPD femme fatale women. He loves their "complexities". Whatever.........
He shows you respect because he knows it's the best card to play.. but inside if he is lacking relationships he most likely is mad you don't fall for his shit again and if he is in a relationship, he couldn't care less.
thanks! Now I understand how my parents think and why they're incapable of understanding what love is. For them a relationship is about manipulation and control. They don't wanna learn to let go of their traumas and really bond with others. It feels like they gave me two options when it comes to being in a relationship with them: to succumb to their abuse and control OR to stay physically and emotionally away from them. I took the second option. But now I understand so much better how they think. For them it's all black and white-I'm either a bad daughter who refuses to be part of their dysfunctional system or a good daughter who agrees with their narcissistic behaviour and plays along. Wow I'm a bit shocked to discover this. ..
Marlena Bontas-I seem to just be my mother's opinion of me, on any given day, instead of a person in my own right. Critique me, judge me, examine me. What's wrong with: Be my pal? Interact with me. Love me...Sixty four,sixty five years of this, tomorrow, on January 12th, 2018.
She had four more kids later, but she's somehow polite with them. She can't be her real self with them, like, insulting. She must know they wouldn't put up with it. Before their father, my stepfather died twelve years ago, she thought they would choose him to be with, so she had to watch her p's and q's. So, she CAN be tolerable, if she has to.
Just not around me. Anyway, enjoyed your comment; absolutely self-aware, which I admire so much.
wow uhm look at yourself also most people have certain traits
I want to let you know that you are doing a marvelous job in explaining and hitting every nail right!!! I really thank you for doing this so desperately important job! warm greetings from Israel
Holy crap, this is exactly what I am going through. My resident narcissist is always staring down from his room upstairs. Intently, creepily staring. And oh my GOD, the disappearing acts! That is so right! This person pops up out of nowhere when I didn't even realize he was gone, then smiles at me with this sinister grin I can't even describe. His stories constantly change depending on what suits him and makes him look good in the moment. He is the master of "Oh no, you misunderstood." He thrives on making other people look stupid. I was definitely accused of trying to ruin his life recently. I'm "mean" for not wanting to watch the stupid Super Bowl. How DARE I want to watch Puppy Bowl instead! His LIFE depends on me watching the Super Bowl! I think I relate to this video more than any video you've put out so far, Scott.
+Katie Maniaci This sounds somewhat like the last one I dealt with... He concocted obvious bullshit spins on the reality of him and his dating situations... talking about how some girl likes him too much and is trying to move too fast into a serious relationship, meanwhile she had friendzoned him right off the bat?! The disappearing acts, yes, whatever the whim... not that I care because hes not even a friend to me, but I have never seen a person so ruled by whim, and I get it, I mean, they need to constantly engage something thats going to prop up the ego so when the compulsion hits, they're off...
I feel like i am losing grip with this person and i am trying to remain calm in this and not let my feelings show
Spot on! On the nights he didn't see me for dates, he wouldn't be forthcoming about what he was doing. Even though typically he was doing nothing! Finally I went overseas without him to visit my sister. Since I was moving around and doing things he couldn't track, he barely slept! He was so anxious and paranoid. I was dumped over the phone as soon as we touched down. Then when I was home, and boring and accountable, he changed his mind! Crazy
As soon as I shared it with them - "hey, I figured out that you're a narcissist so you really ought to take care of that and I won't be putting up with your abuse anymore" they left me alone and the abuse stopped. so... why should i be afraid?
This is so true when you do let them know that you are aware of their behavior and you especially used to word narcissist they will react. Just experiences last week he is now in jail. He could not take the fact that I was calling out his behavior and that I would no longer accept it.
You know *EXACTLY* what you're talking about.
It's taken me 54 years to have a minimal understanding of Narcissism. Your videos have provided some clarity on the twisted mind of my husband. It's hard to wrap my mind around his behavior. I stared taken my reality back and the abusive verbal attacks are nonstop. I easily recognize the gas lighting. It's unnerving to see his unhinged mental state and to know I've been living in that fake reality.
Any chance of getting out?
The idealization phase is really good. You see a person that really wants you. Her mirroring of you makes the hoovering look like genuine attraction. It masquerades her sick twisted objectification and makes it look like authentic affection. The devaluation phase sucks but doesn't suck completely. This is where they play mind games. Get you emotionally addicted. You walk on eggshells, you feel frustrated, but timely dose of dopamine keeps you in there. It builds momentum. You feel like you are headed for somewhere. It's like running on gravel. You find it discomforting, but the pain goes away for chunks of time, and you feel like you are gaining speed, you can almost see the sweet destination, you can almost see your abuser permanently transform into the amazing person that she pretended to be in the idealization phase. You gain speed, get used to the discomfort, the anticipation of the abuser's on the verge transformation is enchanting, and then out of nowhere you hit a wall. All that momentum, all that effort just vanishes. You feel confused. You don't realize what just happened. The abuser now acts like there was nothing there in the first place. It was all in your head. You feel like you cannot trust anybody, not even yourself. You feel like a addict who has suddenly been deprived of the timely supply. Not only does the sweet destination doesn't exist, but the candy-land you had been to in the beginning was all a farce. Frustration, anger, resentment, guilt are feelings that now control you. It's hard to be productive. You don't know what to do. Is it revenge that you want, or the hope that the abuser may finally come around some day.
Scott, this has to be your best video yet. I can't thank you enough for sharing with all of us. You bring such a clarity to narcissism.
Please do one on the dangers of exposing a narcissist. This one made my day! Thank-you Mr. Bravery.
This is so right on truth! You just broke it down and explained it in a way that we can all relate to, and understand. I got paranoid for a moment, thinking, does he know this person, cause he's describing him perfectly!
Absolutely ON TRACK! Great topic well fleshed out! Thanks Scott!
Every point is right on! I can't ask him to do one thing without paying some kind of price. He is just to good to do anything. He can't stand for me to be me. When myself comes out for second he is giving me the look and attitude.
WoW! I feel such relief right now, and such awe that all these topics you are discussing are so spot on. It's as if you are mirroring all of my experiences in my relationship.
they love it if their victim knows what they are but still stay with them that's a sign of true power they don't like gullible partners that bores them they will always reveal the horror behind the mask to their primary source !
23 narcs thumbed down and are angry we are figuring them all out. LMAO
Maria Walker *laughs like Ms krabapple HA!
You are so very smart and well-spoken, I have to watch twice to soak in all the wisdom. Thank you.
Holy crap....This video was more insightful than the last. My comprehension of this personality disorder has been so sped up thanks to you. And, more importantly, my recovery from the relationship.
Wow . I’ve listened to several great people on you tube explaining this condition but you absolutely nail it . This is so helpful I’m sure you would never know how much good this does to help people . Just the fact that you can explain it in your own words so honestly and so accurately is truly mind blowing . Thankyou .
They truly are the hell on this Earth
7:13-7:35 is gold. right on the money.
This perfectly describes my ex. Crazy scheming and control. Exhausting
Dear UN - another terrific and thorough video. Your work is solid, rational, and didactic. Everytime I think of a "thing" - you post a video about it. Great work.
You are totally correct. OMG!! You said something no one else has involving the employer. HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD...
Absolutely fabulous! So enlightening. Every time I watch one of your videos it gives me more and more information to protect myself. You are a blessing to so many people. I appreciate your work.
Yes! I noticed they can never keep jobs because its a commitment like with everything else they refuse to do. Also because how dare someone be above them and tell them what to do? So they always quit or get fired from everything.
such a clear way of thinking and speaking
My brother is a particularly nasty narc. For years I knew something was wrong with him, but it wasn't until I finally started watching UA-cam Narc videos that I was able to identify him. It is so amazing that once you figure out who they are, they start to lose their power over you. My brother's wife started wanting to be around me and text me. She had never done that before. I think she is his flying monkey. I have avoided letting her come over and avoided confiding in her about my brother. I think my mother knows what he is, and helped to make him what he is.
wow scott.... you keep nailing this issue.... wow... every video i see deeper and deeper. thank you !!!
Everything you said is Spot on UN!! Thankyou for your time and effort to help others.
Spot on,my ex had a job for 3 weeks,hated his employer who also was his uncle,punished uncle by,ruining the work vehicle,using the work supplies to fix his friends time - during work hours,this uncle had given him many chances and got crapped on at every turn,the Narc was livid when he got fired,smeared the uncle to the rest of the family,played the victim at every turn ... unbelievable, no capacity to self reflect ..
I listen to a few specific channels on Narcissism and try to stick to only those, because I feel those speakers are sane and solid in their information. Your channel is one of my most favorites.
great video. Thanks for talking about how unsustainable the relationship is. Some may desire to continue but what for. They promise you whatever you want, then they get you working on that but you will never accomplish it due to their obstacles