Narcissists and Their Children
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- Опубліковано 8 вер 2024
- A narcissist's relationship with their child reveals more about their narcissism than any other relationship.
Check out my book "The 16 Signs of a Narcissist" by clicking below right now:
understandingn...
I think the child that challenges the narcissist most, directly or indirectly, becomes the target/scapegoat.
thats me for sure in my family...
David Ekbäck
yep. Me too. We have to be careful not to blame ourselves, that if we acted differently, or were just who we were/are is our fault. Im still working on that, to put the responsibility with my parents. I just sensed a lot was wrong and spoke out against it (as a teen). That was enough. A normal parent would deal with that healthily.
In my case, my mom did everything to destroy our dad's relationship..(I was 13), and she managed to manipulate me for 4yrs, and my sister is not speaking to my dad till this day and she will probably not do so. After all of this I just wanna become someone that can help others in the same situation as Ive been through...
Absolutely
I was sensitive and very intuitive..questioned everything that didn't seem right my narc mom resented this...my middle sister was oblivious to most things so she was the GC/enabler both my life nightmare...my baby brother was just overlooked and left to his own demise...very sad situation..
You hit the nail right on the head! I challenged my mom the whole time I was growing up and she hated me. I was always calling her out because I knew her behavior was wrong. We fought constantly and I hated her and I still do. I'm 46 now and she's almost 80 and she was only gotten worse with age. She's a horrible person.
"When the child becomes 3,4 or 5, they are already more mature than the narcissist". That is priceless! That made me laugh, Scott! So enjoy your videos!
+Devin Rose agree!
+Devin Rose And so true!
+Devin Rose yeah and its pretty spot on too. i started passing my dad up in emotional maturity at around that time
+Devin Rose Because the N only matures to the age of a 5 year old, makes sense.
The 5 year old is smarter!
+Marc McCall Hope you found a nice women since then:)
Excellent! As an ACON myself, I can agree. And I find that in some cases, female narcissists tend to abuse their daughters more than their sons, but not always.
Angie Atkinson They get jealous of their daughters. And they also project so the same gender bears the brunt of the abuse.
Yeah, the mothers compete with their daughters and have an unhealthy needy and clinging relationship to their sons, the sons are often "the golden child".
Angie, they may hate the daughters more, but they are equally if not more brutal to male children. They’ll make it seem like the male child is evil and unruly and dangerous, the very things they are, but society and the authorities will believe it true about the male child.
Here is a list of what Abusers/Narcissists usually do to their targets :
- Insults their target very often. Then lie when confronted about it, or say it was a joke.
- When confronted with their behavior, they pretend to be innocent and play the victim.
- Everything is always your fault, even when it's obviously not.
- They always have a justification for every bad thing they do. They think they're always right.
- Very controlling, they tell you how to live, but they can live anyway they want. Very hypocritical.
- They accuse you of what they're doing to you (RED FLAG!), it's called Projection.
- Portraying themselves as angels outside, when they are actually demons with their family and especially their target.
- They want you to fail, while pretending to want you to succeed (they're very convincing).
- They never say they are sorry for hurting you (RED FLAG!).
- Poison your favorite activities, they don't want you to be happy or to get pleasure. They also poison other useful activities like important skills which will help you in the future. They DO NOT want you to have skills, they want you to be as weak as possible. They don't teach you anything.
- Subtly lead a smear campaign against their target, so they isolate it and make sure they don't get help.
- When you want to leave the relationship with a narcissist, they beg you to stay with them and cry crocodile tears. They are the best actors.
- Sometimes nice, sometimes cruel. You never know where you stand with them.
- They pretend to be "victims", and they blame the target for their own behavior.
- They are incredibly arrogant and sadistic. They see the target as weak, and deserving to suffer.
- They think they are models to be followed.
- They are spiritually dead although they might loudly profess some kind of Spiritual Belief.
Oblivion Darkheart so crazy , My husband did ALL of these things EXCEPT one .. which is he never begged me when I wanted to leave him. He left me and our newborn son.
Well written, thankyou
Awesome but while reading this really realizing that my wife's daughter does every one of these things to both of us. My wife is having a hard time realizing that her daughter is a monster and accepting it. I have put us both in counseling to try to help my wife deal with it and luckily got a very knowledgeable counselor who seems to understand alot about narcissist. Thank you for your post and I am going to read it to my wife when she gets up. Thanks again!
I live with a narcissist with the intelligence of a teenager and a personality of a toddler.
Cod4 Wii Facts
My Dad is a Narcissist.
He's Obsessive - Compulsive Disorder.
He's a Perfectionist.
He's Grandiose.
He lacks Empathy for other people.
Carlos Paradox Mine, too.
Your opening is spot on. The parent-child relationship deteriorates as the child gets older & is becoming it's own person.
Young children can be entirely manipulated, creating a sick codependent environment of the narcissists design, however, the love hate of the older child is the sad dance between wanting to be loved and retreating from the pain (because growing into a healthy adult means they must disassociate from the narcissist) They have to suppress their true self to "fit" into the family which creates shame. The classic acting out child is usually the most emotionally mature person in a dysfunctional family sadly.
4 narcissists disliked this video because it doesn't fit their illusions
Absolutely his presentations are flawless....
The Narcissist Parent, feeling threatened by their child's maturity, will do EVERYTHING possible to sabotage it. Behind closed doors, the Scapegoat is expected to take care of themselves while the Golden Child is smothered by the NM, all but guaranteeing that neither of her children will do any better in life than she did. It really is sad. Thanks by the way, UN rocks!
This is my situation. I get to be the mother figure of 3 siblings. I agree by me wanting to be on my own since young threatens her.
Scapegoated Daughter this is so true & so disgusting it should be against the law
I took a delivery to a special needs child-care center and it was staffed with narcs. It makes sense that this is a job a narc might want for that image boost+their sick power trip that caretaking can give. It's sad that fake people are so numerous that there can't be better quality control to protect kids during their early development
I agree! !!!
I rented a room from a lady who had two adopted kids and one biological child. She targeted the oldest boy the most because he was the most empathic. She loved the pomp and circumstance of being the "savior" of these poor hopeless children she was then free to mistreat.
yes childrenscool teachers but also elderly homes, psychiatry is a big playground for them, the weaker! seen it, seen it!
I have also seen where it can be the "more mature" child who discovers the parent is a narcissist. This doesn't have to be the first born, but more of whom is more mature between the two siblings.
Narcs are not nurturing people.
That's putting it mildly...
and when they attempt to fake emotions it’s Cringe worthy
You are right about the first born being the target. 👏👏👏
It seems like my exhusband narc has a much better relationship with his kids when they were babies and toddlers but now that they are school age he things they are "out to get him" when they misbehave. Our kids now are very independent and he doesn't seem to like that they are becoming their own people with their own likes and dislikes.
RavensNewLife leave that narcissist woman, why are you staying with that abuser.
I have seen as my narc goes back and forth between his 2 grown children as their behavior toward HIM ebbs and flows. He is critical and rude to one and they distance themselves and then the narc is hateful behind their back. Eventually there is a reconciliation of sorts and almost a love bombing until the narc is hurtful again.
Heather Joslin bingo!
A narc needs a child to like to be around them the most. A grown child sees the selfishness and dead beat qualities so they pull away from them. No nurtured bonds.
I agree based on my experienced.
You were spot on here. Amazing how much info you have learned before the topic of narcissist boomed on YT.
With a Narc your biggest sins is your reasoning capabilities and becoming even mildly autonomous because then the ball is not solely in their court. Even though they love the fight I believe they also resent the fight. And they do not always get to look so polished after your own personality shows up. No doubt
cheatednomore agreed.
Soooooo true!
I am the first one to come along in our family. There are 2 of us and we are both adopted. My adopted mother (narcissist) poisoned me against my adopted father (classic enabler), but eventually began to turn against me very quickly. She has hated my adopted sister since she was a child, including saying, quite openly, how sorry she is that they adopted her. Everything you said that this parent/child 'relationship' is completely accurate in my case. I have no contact with either of them which has actually allowed me to heal.
My ex is a malignant narc. He has no interest in our baby unless it calls attention to himself & makes others see him as a "normal" person/father. A day after I had given birth to her, he made a comment about how she's going to pull in the ladies for him! Then he became angry & had a tantrum when I called him out on it as if it was my fault! He also made a comment about her vag moments after I had given birth. He said it looked like mine. I'm very happy he isn't around her bc w his Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde personality, I feel he'd molest her. His masks are off. I see the true him. He's the devil's son.
Miss Q So my ex narc would be his father! Smh...
Miss Q Wow. This is unfortunate and crazy.
Miss Q you did well in protecting your baby from him. A happy life for the both of you 💕🙏🏼
Hi there
I believe you, but does he want to see her? Or how often does he see her?
He only played with my 7month old if someone was watching .. she would shreik at him for attn as he would walk on by .. its emotional abuse .. he had to go .. he said was a competition .. she never knew when he would babble and make her laugh ..or ignored her for days ..he held her all of less than what i could count on two hands in three months ...no bonding ..except during the love bombing phase when i thought it was cute .. . To get his agenda.. then she was no use to him
i think the "oldest child is the most targeted thing" might be because the oldest child will (probably) be the first to see thru the illusion and stop feeding into what the narc wants. thus they are heavily demonized, especially if the other siblings are too young to fully understand that something's wrong with their parent (and so they continue to feed the narc while the oldest child doesn't).
I think the middle child is the most targeted. I am the middle child and I am the scapegoat. My younger sister is the golden child and my older brother is pretty much ignored. My narc mom was horribly abusive to me physically, mentally, verbally, and emotionally. When I reached my teen years she started beating me with her fists. She kept her thumb on me hard. My older brother ran wild and did whatever he wanted and there were no consequences for his bad behavior. She would even get him to gang up on me with her and they would both get a kick out of abusing me. He's emotionally damaged now from her. My sister was a princess and could do no wrong. She waited on my mother hand and foot and fulfilled all of her emotional needs and still does. My sister is 43 years old, still lives with my mother, and has never had a boyfriend. How fucked up is that? I got away from my mom as soon as I could. I saw through the bullshit and refused to buy into her illusion and to this day she is full of hatred towards me. Sometimes we'll go a year without speaking and I think it's because she's afraid I'm going to expose her any moment. She knows what she's done to me and I could destroy her fake little world if I want to. She's pure evil.
I think the narcs pick whatever works regardless of place in the family. I'm the scapegoat and the middle child but the oldest girl. My older brother is head injured from a motorcycle accident 40 years ago. He is impressionable and dependent on my mother, who loves being in control of him. He can do whatever he wants, no matter how evil, with her full support, and is drunk by 10 am each day all day. My younger sister has antisocial personality disorder. She is mean little rat but her mommy thinks she walks on water. I was the "good kid" who helped her and did well in life but she sees me as the bad egg because I tell the truth. Recently discovered that she is giving me less than half of what my siblings get in her will. Unless she disinherits me completely for speaking out. I recently moved back from 2,000 miles away to keep my 90 year old mother out of a nursing home. The two siblings live a few miles away but rarely call and never help her. But my hair is falling out and I am sick a lot so I'm leaving again--the chips can fall where they may. I know that these things only get worse with time but stupidly made one fruitless last try.
Davina Wolf I agree. I thought a lot about it after I read all of the comments. I too am the oldest daughter. All of her anger, fear, insecurity, and frustration was projected onto me. I assume your childhood was the same. Not a fun time.
Julie Wilber, Our childhoods were so similar and I could have written your comments here. I wasn't physically abused but there was no end of emotional abuse by a jealous mother and her helper children. I hope you are well and keeping yourself safe!
Davina Wolf thank you. I have minimal contact with her. I hope you're doing well too. Take care. 😊
my older sister was the golden child and I was the scapegoat so it's definitely not always the oldest that is targeted.
Your videos are so spot on that I almost have trouble watching them because you describe my upbringing with a narcissist mother and narcissist father. I surmise, after watching a lot of them that you too had both a narcissist mother and narcissist father and yet you have reached a high level of understanding and have recovered (to the extent possible for people like us. We will never get to have the healthy self esteem of those who grew up with parents who gave them unconditional love).
My sister and I were afraid of our raging father when we were young and looking back, I did not love him. I loved my narcissist mother who was nurturing to us when we were very young. My sister and I were harshly disciplined so we did exactly what we were told, ate what we were told and sucked up all the critisism. Our narc mother turned on us severely around the time when we entered puberty-- 5th grade. Our emerging personalities (normally, a child will more and more exert their own personalities prior to puberty but in a narc family, that frequently is not the case because of the severe discipline that has been a part of their upbringing. I actually cringe when I see families where the little kids are heavily disciplined where they can't act like a two year old when they are two, etc.), needs and perhaps beauty was extremely threatening to her. She became mean to us. Cruel, critical, unreasonable.
The first born, my sister took more shit and she just fell into the learned helpless mode where she never tried anything in life for fear of failure, remains afraid of her own shadow and never had the self esteem to have a relationship with a man (or any partner). My brother was quite a bit younger than us and was worshiped in a way for being a boy and it was constantly thrown in our faces that he was the smartest, best looking-- Great. The extreme attention he endured which was positive on the surface was laced with their disappointment and critisism and because the attention was mainly on him, I, the middle child got to slip under the negative radar a bit more often. Basically, I escaped because my poor sister and brother were sacrificed. My brother attempted suicide as a young adult and my sister spends every holiday and weekend with my elderly parents in a very twisted, codependent relationship. I moved away as a young adult and my contact with the parents has dwindled over the last 30 years. As I told my shrink, it was actually a blessing that my parents were so over the top cruel and unreasonable (super narcissists if you will) because it forced me out. I could write out on a timeline the distinct rage events that occurred that caused me to break with them emotionally until there was no emotion left. I don't hate them or love them and I have strict boundaries. For example, the last time I visited them, we were playing scrabble and my mother started jabbing at me. It always starts out with little jabs and if one does not react, she escalates and escalates into personal, cruel character assaults. If one says even one word in their own self defense then they are the back-talking, disrespectful kid and that is the catalyst to unleash her rage. She always picks these "fights" (we don't fight back) whenever the family is enjoying a moment of false harmony like at the holidays or in this case, playing a friendly game of scrabble. In this case, I calmly announced that I had no words (we were playing scrabble but the no words was also metaphor for the fact that I was not going to engage her) and I calmly got up from the table and left the room. The consequence was that both narcs became unglued and unleashed such a rage on me that I will never go there again. As part of my recovery, sharing my story and writing out what happened is becoming a habit for me hence the length of this comment.
Thanks for making your videos as they are helping a lot of people see the light.
Thankyou for taking the time to write your example out..it was helpful to me because I've had very similar experiences and results..
This is why I don't support or believe in parenting with narcissist.
Absolutely 100% accurate. Especially the part about them using the children as leverage to keep the family unit together and as a threat against you if you leave. You have to fight for the kids, don't fall for that nonsense.
I think you're spot on about the emotional maturity thing. Perhaps children surpass N parents around age 5 because that's when they start to develop empathy.
My brother who's the oldest saw through the illusion and told me when I was 20 years old, "my only family is you and mom" (meaning he didn't consider my father a family member). My older brother was so abused by my Narcissistic father and my older brother has an IQ of 165.
Amen!!!.. the firstborn is the scapegoat... My NM started on me from birth...and has not stopped. I survived only because I turned to loving to read about Christ's birth and life..and, Sacrifice, seriously! even as a child. I was so alone and, starved for love and approval. Not saying its always Fb but, betcha its 98% accurate. Your vids are very much appreciated. Truly,I raised my emotional self, by learning from, Bible stories. Yes, there's a GC and a only son, eldest and 3rd daughter 'targeted. youngest sister lost her mind, after I left home at 18.
What you told is very true! I recognized that my mother doesn't like me around the age of 6-7. At 10, I opened up about it to my school friend. At 38, I am rebuilding my life from the trauma she caused me across life.
I must be slow not to have gotten this earlier in life. This makes perfect sense and looking back is precisely how family life went for me and my sister. Less true for my younger sibling.
My narc father was "all in" very early on with us. My sister is still waiting for "daddy to come home". This is NEVER going to happen. Unfortunately she can't see that. I've been no contact for over 2 years.
He was never so mean as when his illusion was being threatened. I didn't know what it was. We supported his illusion endlessly from my perspective. The rare instances my Mom called him out on his bullshit revealed a very fragile moron.
I was the target of the bulk of his hatred because I was ready, willing and able to deconstruct his world. My sister although older was absolutely frozen with fear and therefore not a threat to him.
Thanks for this video!!
Only child of a single parent home with no other family members present. Narc mother used me as a doll until about age 7-8. But I was more of a toy and needs (especially social) were often never met. She was oblivious and ambivalent. At age 9 she quit trying altogether and I was moved away into almost total isolation until age 15.
Children know very early on and learn how to adapt and survive. I emotionally "divorced" my Narcopath/Munch mother very early but was desperate for her attention as well. This forms a type of Stockholm Syndrome bond to facilitate survival. I learned to never tell a soul; she was perfect to everyone else anyway.
+Cali Girl I wore hand me downs from my brother! My mom used to boast how she wore beautiful cashmere sweater sets as a teenager and we had crap.
I so feel you...so hard having to keep it all to yourself. Such a lonely feeling. Hugs
@Cali Girl same here...never thought about that before. If I could see the countertop without a stool then I was (in her mind) old enough to cook the meals, do the household upkeep, take care of my 4 siblings (1 older, 3 younger), hold down on job (paper delivery and babysitting), of course be her sound board (especially when she came home from being out at the bars).
Started buying my own clothes around 4th grade I think.
Hella J..> you also nailed the narc/Munch and Stockholm thing to boot. 55 and just realized what she was and only because I moved onto the property because OF COURSE I'm the CAREGIVER in the dysfunctional family. Just took care of her mother until she passed in Feb.
So surreal all the eye opening flashbacks. It's like I have a crystal ball in front of my every memory that sees the real truth...not the one she'd have me believing for 55 years.
In my earliest memories I can remember "knowing" before I knew. They can't tolerate not being able to keep up their illusions by anyone, and that child will pay dearly for it. My oldest sister is a malignant narcissist, the golden child. She never had a close relationship with her child, even when she was a toddler when she would cry she refused to have anything to do with her mom, she only wanted her dad. When she was older whenever her mom would walk into the room you would see her freeze. It was hard to watch, she never had that carefree, kid quality of bouncing around happy when her mom was there. But her kind of evil is darker, one she's never been able to hide well, or for very long. I remember her trying to show compassion once, but it for an object.
+Gabby Richards this is so sad....so sorry
Your voice is very calming
Great teaching! My ex Narc targets my first born daughter who happens to be the middle girl. I hate to see this happening.
I stayed away from my mom as much as I could growing up. Now I know why. I already knew she was a narc but this makes sence. And my little sister was the target. I'm the oldest and I was left alone
I've only recently learnt that I was with a Narcissist for 15 years, it's like everything, I mean literally everything I watch/read rings true and makes sense all of a sudden. But it worries me to death, that my two kids are being affected by her personality, traits and mentally abusive actions... :-(
yes but the shift has finally started, at least be thankful for this, and gratitude education and trust in universe will build the unstoppable momentum.
I'm right there with you. It's very difficult to go through, and you should go easy on yourself. Not everyone has the courage and awareness to break free from a narcissistic relationship, especially one that is subtle and covert. I also have the same worries about our child, but I think nothing could be worse than to endure an abusive relationship together as a dysfunctional family. Children are intuitive; they pick up on this kind of thing, if not consciously, then sub-consciously.
If you believe that's the case, get a lawyer right now, save every text, message, bank documents, letters, record phone calls.. I am sorry to tell you cant trust them and they will do everything with the intention of getting something out of it: negative emotions, money, time etc. I am battling custody at the moment and I made the mistake to take his word rather than his signature, the law where I live believes you are guilty without proving anything when is about children and based on BS and lies he took my daughter with him, I haven't seen her in 3 weeks and now cant even talk to her unless I show a psychiatrist report saying I don't want to commit suicide or kill her. But, ive got a whole bunch of documents and waiting to fill them at court, he even invented a house we never had, it was mine. He kept money that I gave him for school and never paid the fees for 2 years. I have documents saved for 10 years. Time to use all.
Thanks for the replies Guys/Girls :-). Sounds like you two have it rough as well, hope you can find ways to better your situations, it's all been a bit of a shock realisation for me, but everything does make sense now.
The thing I'm most concerned about is as you say, the kids. Sadly I can already see that they are being affected by her behavior. Certain things I speak to them about for example, they both turn into robots, looking at each other as they've obviously been told what to do and say around me.
I just want to be the best Dad in the World, but it's hard when there's a Narc who has control...For now anyway. She no longer has control over me or pulls me into completely pointless, out of proportion arguments, as I've gone 'No contact' now for a few weeks and tbh it feels great, but hard work with the kids involved.
I have many 'Aces up my sleeve' too, all there ready for when I eventually go for more access.
Best wishes.
These people literally lie in bed and think of how they would secretly kill people they are jealous of. I always knew many people were vaguely insecure and unconfident, I never really considered that this worldview and distortion completely plays while their mouth speaks a different story,
My husband has been mocking our son since he was about 5 years old. He is almost 10 now. If he cries or whines about something he's upset over, his dad repeats his perception of what my son is doing in a demeaning mocking voice. It totally infuriates my son, but the mocking continues. Never an apology only explanations that it's his own fault. Don't fuss like that and I won't mock you. You can't have any respect for a person who behaves like this. It's sickening.
ListenToLearn - It sounds sick. I saw a movie where Ted Bundy was "crying" back in the faces of his tied-up victims.
ListenToLearn video tape him in case you leave.
@@karikari7336 The damage is going to be done to the son. He's going to have a lot of issues or may possibly become a narcissist himself. This what usually happens, when a child is raised in this environment. By mother staying she is enabling the narc behavior, doesn't matter if she's saying something or not about it. He could eventually grow to resent the mother, a lot of kids resent the other parent, who stays with the narc. I say all this, because this is what I've notice and hear all the time. It's why I don't support co-parenting with a narcissist. Just not worth it, and it the end the child/children get sacrificed.
One thing that always irked me was that my soon-to-be ex used to avoid buying anything that has "mommy's..." anything but was always ready to buy "daddy ..." - and I remember I had only this one onesie that said mommy's little monkey, and whenever one of the babies wore it, he'd avoid holding him altogether. Disgusting.
I'm so sorry you had to grow up with a narcissist parent. I'll be praying for you. I know a narcissist mother and it's absolutely horrible. I hope the kids are put into a safe home. Thanks for the wonderful videos.
Great point...my oldest is definitely the target for the most emotional chaos. She is the go to while the narc hosts his smear campaign. She is also the kid who has the most of my traits, personality wise and looks like me. When we divorced, the abuse he subjected me to was unfortunately inherited by her. She is 14. When my 14 yr old got sick of it and started greyrocking, my ex moved on to my 13 yr old son. We are now about to be back in court for modification so he has less chance of doing this to my 10 and 2 yr old as well.
Can you do a video on how to begin to heal from Narcissistic Abuse?
How can a child walk away not that broken after they drop the bomb and finally say "I don't want to be with you"?
When you realize your father is narcissistic... you can even see in photos or in my own memory my father was amazing/loving (not perfect at all had gambling/alcohol issues) but he would sing songs,play always co sleeping with me etc etc perfect in a way as i got older that completely changed verbal abuse and put downs gossiping with family/ letting others like his partner or family abuse me mentally/verbally
I knew even as a baby! My narc dad would only come around once in a while ( they dumped me on my grandparents for the first six years of my life) and when he did come, I would not want him near me and cry! I am not in contact with him anymore because it causes me severe, debilitating anxiety!
the first born might cop it simply by being the first to challenge to the illusion. But in my opinion, whichever child reminds the narcissist most closely of themselves is the target in multi-child families.
I found this very interesting. In my family, there is actually a pattern of narcissism. My grandmother, and my mother are both narcissists, and I believe one of my great aunts is too. In all those nuclear family dynamics, it is always the oldest daughter who is scapegoated. My mother was the scapegoat, as was my cousin, both oldest daughters, and I was (also an oldest daughter). When I left, and cut off contact with my mother, it shifted to my younger sister. In contrast, the oldest boys are all praised and put on pedestals until they mess up somehow. Sorry for the long comment, I just thought you might find this interesting. I like your insights on the subject and your videos have helped me understand my family quite a bit better. Thank you!
+Jennifer Armstrong Gads! I'm sorry to hear that! I mean, I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one, but it's really hard to get away from the abuse when It's pretty much your whole family. I hope you were able to get away from that.
+Kay Coats Yeah, it can shift when one child leaves. I was almost always the golden child, but when my older sister the scapegoat finally left home when I was 15, I started getting the brunt of much of it. That was hard because it destroyed the trust I thought I still had for my mother. I always knew there was something wrong, but didn't realize how bad it could be until it turned on me.
+Kay Coats In my family my dad was an immature co-dependent alcoholic, mom is a covert narc, my brother is golden child, I'm the scapegoat, and my younger sister is the flying monkey wanna-be golden child. I'm no contact almost 3 years.
When I was 7, my father was blow drying my long hair, he said look at her hair as it had static and was standing on end, my NM came in and the look she gave us,no comment or reaction, the next day she cut my hair short...Thats when I first felt jelousy
this is so on point..i have 5 years old cousin smarter than my parents combined..
the children (16 and 21) I have with my narc ex, know something is wrong with their dad, but they are in denial, they always want to say it's the both of us who hate each other, he goes from 0-100 fast!
sewutibring that's why you have to go gray rock with EVERY one
I've been told by 2 mental health professionals that my now 46 year old single daughter is probably bipolar. She has a 10 year old son that I have helped raise since his birth while she worked and/or when she needed time for herself. Two weeks ago there was an 'aha' moment. She called one night and said she had accepted a job in Nashville. She and my grandson were leaving in the morning and she was going to enroll him in school there . . . then another minute or two into the conversation she said, " I know you love Xxxxxx, so I am going to take him away from you." OMG . . . the good news is that it was all a lie and they are still here in town so Xxxxxxx still has his friends, school, church and his life has not been completely disrupted. This has got be more than bipolar . . . I'm not sure of a definition, but I have found your channel to be spot on.
My thinking is that 'jealousy' is a factor here. Her power here is that she is the one and only parent who can control Xxxxxxx. His dad lives 100 mi away, contact is minimal. Grandparents have no legal standing.
I experienced this in growing up, I was labeled wild, when I was not wild, but there was an effort to push me in the direction of wild, to validate their view of me. I was liked in school, got good grades, but at home I spoke up when bad things happened.
+Gwendolyn Wehage My narc mom encouraged me to be promiscuous. She would mock my appearance because I was well formed and blonde. Everything she wasn't/isn't.
Yes, there was a deliberate attempt to cause me to do things that would ruin my reputation.
This explains so much of my childhood. My mum became much more abusive towards me from around age 5. This coincided with her aborting her 7th pregnancy. I suppose there was the double whammy of me developing my own identity and becoming a threat and the loss of a baby who would have provided her with that control she craves.
I am essentially the eldest child (I didn't grow up with my mother's first children and had no contact with them as she abandoned them to be with my father) and the scapegoat. In contrast, she continually coddled my youngest brother and didn't allow him to mature, so she had a completely dependent, malleable, emotionally stunted child who she could easily control. Consequently, he was the golden child. My sister was largely ignored.
I've read that often when a child leaves home the roles shift and that was the case in my family. By the time I moved out my youngest brother was an adult and had developed severe mental health issues. This was a bad reflection on my mum as a mother and so he became the scapegoat and my younger sister became the golden child.
I am the eldest of 3 and I was severely abused from as far back as I can remember. My mum would protect the 2 younger kids and let him have me and even when he wasn't home I always felt like there was an invisible brick wall between her and I that I could never penetrate and she was completely emotionally cut off from me but loved my younger brother and sister. My sister was the middle child and used to get her thrills by deliberately doing something she knew would get our dad fired up and then smile and say "Wendy did it!" I would protest that I had not done it but he would simply tell me that it was my job as the eldest to set a good example, so even if I had not done it, it was still my fault because I had not set a good enough example. His favourite thing he would always say to me was that I was completely crazy and that if I couldn't learn to control myself the men in white coats would come and lock me away in a padded room and then he would ram several of my mums Valium tablets down my throat and leave me locked in my room for several days. Even now so many years later, my sister still laughs and tells me how funny it was that I would get in trouble and how easy it was for her to get him fired up but she never had to experience the horrendous consequences and can not understand why I get so upset every time she talks about it.
ksedym I went through that with my siblings as well. Not to that extent but it was bad. My little sister still makes jokes about me being the weird black sheep, etc. I was scapegoated for the many of the families problems. Even though we are older, i feel that they want to keep the dynamic going so no one has to think about what is really going on, and what happened. All I did was protect my sister too.
100% accurate! Unfortunately I’m dealing with the unruly children at this moment. Going to counseling for my 11 year old twins.
Wowwww. You got this! Wow.
My ex called our 8 yr old
"a threat" . Now I understand more clearly why. Thank you so much for your insight. God bless. Please keep making posts about child rearing. You are spot on! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!
my ex narc was a kindergarten teacher who hated her job and always complained that the children would disrespect her and that she was loosing control with the illusion.
Yep, nailed it. You just described my childhood. (*"childhood"... it's not like I got to actually be a child for long)
It's entertaining watching this and connecting it all to my father's behavior. He was so narcissistic that he went out of his way to impregnate as many women as possible to "spread his seed and beautify the world." His exact words. After having 4 boys from 4 other women, I was the first girl and therefore his favorite and then my little brother came along.
He was stuck with us for a few years because he was on probation and in this time he did torment my brother and I, but my little brother did take the brunt of the abuse.
My best friend and my current love interest are extremely narcissistic. I wonder if it has to do with being raised by one.
Great to hear perspective from the child of a narcissist. Gives me hope for my grandkids. You are a very intelligent and articulate young man. 👍 Great Video
I haven't seen anything else about this and it's fascinating. Describes EXACTLY what happened with my ex-fiancée and my six year old son. He was the second (and last) narcissist in my life and didn't last long once I picked up what he was trying to do with my son. You have a particular talent for "getting" and communicating what these people are about. Thank you. K
Interesting indeed, I have 2 boys from my first marriage, initially my new partner was nice to my kids, once she was pregnant she began to change her attitude towards my kids, initially my first born was the target of her dislike, but then at some point she shifted her anger and dislike to my second son who is sharp as hell (he is currently 9 years old). Now I would say he even triggers her buttons even when he isn't provoking anything. He is now the scapegoat for many arguments. Very sad and disheartening. I always tried to defend them as they are children all the same, she sees him as an adult who knows exactly what he is doing, like I said he is a bit too sharp for his own good, but my future ex-partner demonizes him, thought I've understood that it is not him, it is what he triggers in her.
Wow .. you have nailed it . When both of my children were born my exes reaction.was let’s just say pleasant . He was gone a lot when my daughter was born . When my son came along my son would not let his father pick him up / dress him etc . He has always struggled . I left my ex when my daughter was 7 and my son was 3 . It’s been hell ever since . However I have kept majority custody , now my daughter at 15 is refusing to go to her fathers , he makes her feel that she is useless and she has severe anxiety when with him . He caused my son the same when he was little .
Over the years he had used the court system to his benefit .
Now at this age he does not have that power .
I just subscribed, I have listened to many videos and I just feel that I am healing and want to give my children the tools they need . Your insight and advice is priceless . Thank you .
Well, I was the younger of 2 & the scapegoat. NM was not really keen on babies... so no TLC there. I then mothered her & my F from toddlerhood.
My experience aligns with your theory (extremely) when at 8yrs old I was trying to individuate from NM & enabler F. My individual spirit was pretty well killed off before 10yrs old by them & my GC older brother - all mocking or dismissing me & my feelings.
Thanks, Scott, for your thoughtful vids, always
delivered in a caring way.
Also, thanks for everyone's comments. Both mean a lot to me.
I come from a family of narcissistic mother's. I was my mother's confident - because I was naturally quiet and empathetic towards my mother. One of the things she confided in me about was how awful my sister was as an infant. I think my sister was normal and I was the exception. My mother needed a frightened easily intimidated dependent child with physical disabilities (me) - a child that could be easily controlled and empathetic to HER emotional needs. Birth order doesn't apply in this case. My sister is a year older.
You are so wise beyond years ! Thank you for your contribution to all our recovery 🙏🏽❤️
this is so spot on. my ex N of 16 years and 2 kids was very close to them until about 7. Then it became they, the girls started to have problems according to him. my girls are now 13 and 10 and are beautiful children. I and so blessed. my 13 year old wants nothing to do with him. he still has the 10 year old fooled, but she is learning on her own. thank you for this truth. it helps.
My husband of 6 years left my newborn and I just 4 weeks after I had the baby. He had never left before and always insisted “breaks don’t work”. I wonder what part of his narc brain was triggered. Baby is 7 months old now and he’s only seen him 1 time. I’m just happy me and my baby are strong and healthy 💕
At 12:46 Scott talks about children who are more targeted than others - true. The oldest is usually the target from my experience. Also it is both painful and interesting to observe what happens to children with special needs.
You are absolutely right on this topic. In my original family the first child and second child were the targets for the narc mother, the second child was used extensively to supply her needs, awaken, abandoned the narc. The narc seems has the only connection with the last, third child. I find out, after so many years passed, that the entire family members are the enablers of the narc. No more, good bye Forever.
This is the one that worries me the most. I fear for my brother-in-law will become abusive with his kids. He has already abused their mother in front of them.
Arrested Development on so-called mature adults; adolescent age varies depending the narc. Babies raising babies. It's Elementary, Middle and High School in a 3-ring shitshow.
Encircle your family and friends with ppl who have emotional mental maturity despite the physical age. Leave the toxic ppl back at the lunch table.
Excellent video! I'm glad someone pointed me in this direction. Your description of the narcissist's use of offspring to manipulate the other partner/enabler @11:23 forward is *EXACTLY* what my pathologically narcissistic mother did to my father, in the 1950's when (especially in America) "family" was the most important illusion to maintain.
The rest of your video basically described most of my childhood. As the oldest child, female, the child used to force my father to remain in a bad marriage, and born looking like my mother's half-sister who was her "rival" for the affections of my mother's own father (who preferred the half-sister to his own child - & I think you can guess why...), I was heavily scapegoated by BOTH parents from infancy.
WWZenaDo how were u scape grated
Yes I was first born and the target of my mother she emotional abused me and used me well into adulthood
My middle sister was the GC and enabler...my baby brother was just overlooked and left to his own demise but punished often as though he were parentally guided... Very sad
The narci in my extended family tortures their only child. Wrestles until the child is hurt and crying. Makes sure the child's fears come true, such as falling, or not being caught. The narci on purpose, made sure the child flipped out of a boat and said it was an accident. The narci leaves porn and drug paraphernalia lying around for the child to find, such a sicko! My loved one is in the process of leaving the narci, until they are safely away from that toad, its hard for me to rest. I pray for their physical and emotional safety. I just wish I lived closer, all I can do is talk to my loved one and emotionally support them, and pray some more! 😖
This is an excellent and extremely useful video and I have been hoping I would find something like this for a long time - something i can show other people who do not understand. you have presented the material in a very clear and concise way with admirable eloquence and careful logical construction, making it difficult for "narc abuse denyers" to pick at your case. Thank You. You have provided a valuabla service to me today.
Thank you,
Both of ex husbands constantly are brainwashing my children because children are disillusioned by narcissist bs and don’t comprehend what is going on, and I’m scared for my children. My children have different dads and both of these males are narcissist and abusive.
My children are scared of their dads. Both of my ex’s always threatened to take my children away from me when I was married and divorced, which is bad parenting and it doesn’t work out in their favor. Narcissist are horrible parents, pet owners and humans in general. Be blessed and take everyone.
so so true. My narc husband got on very well with our 4 children as toddlers. once the children age past 10 years of age he discarded them emotionally and financially. so sad. it is because a narc operates on a toddler level for ever.
I'm the eldest of 5 I was definitely targeted by by both parents I think it was because I was highly idealized because I was the first born it was crazy because my mother knew she was no good for me she's some what self aware which now I realize makes her even more deceptive an dangerous because she uses that exceedingly well against unsuspecting people she's one of the best i've seen even now I'm struggling coming to terms with this but the things your saying are spot on to her and my father's behavior thank you for your videos they have helped free me an helped me to do the work I realize I have to do to undo the damage and live a healthy an balanced life.
I'm the youngest of three and I'm sure I was the scapegoat. Mom was planning to leave dad when I was conceived. I spoiled her plan. Her first was my brother, eight years older. He was allowed and tacitly encouraged to be aggressive toward me. My sister, six years older, was saddled with as much motherly duty as possible in regards to me. I had many wooden spoons broken over my ass by my mom, but mostly I was ignored and told not to do or touch anything. My bullying brother could do no wrong. My siblings are are both aggressive control freaks. By the way they behave, I infer that they believe they have parental authority over me. I'm certainly not equal in their minds. I feel as though I'm in danger all the time, simply because they exist. I avoid them as much as possible. They are a danger to me. I'm very tuned to the body language and demeanor of everyone I experience. I'm quite aware that there are many people that will test you to see if you'll let them abuse you, and then bring more abuse. I often wonder if we're all monsters. I see us communicating in a way that could be compared to the growls of wolves.
This is fascinating! My Narcissist husband and his N mother bonded with their children and made their spouses the scapegoat. Until 20 years into marriage I didn't really understand what narcissism was, and became the "heavy" early on because someone had to be the parent. I separated from my husband when my kids were teenagers. Looking back, it was very confusing for my children especially when they reached young adulthood. I think my adult children still struggle with anger toward me for the separation along with their confusion regarding "narcissism". (They were taught by their narcissistic father AND their pastor that this is all "psycho babble".)
When I was 14 I started misbehaving and my narcissistic dad wanted to send me to a military school but my mom said no. Then I changed my life and stopped doing bad stuff, looking at porn, etc...around the time I turned 20, but my dad hated me more than ever after I repented of my ways. Now my dad always says how bad I am now that I am in my 30s. He may have killed my son, because my son passed from epilepsy after my "dad" dropped him. My mother eventually gave up and stopped resisting and became an enabler. My siblings hate me with a passion and wouldn't even attend my son's funeral, but my dad always made excuses for them and would always say "you must have done something to upset them, even if you don't remember it". Yet, I was always told to forgive. Being the scapegoat is a hard life. When I cut them off I also had to cut off some friends and all relatives right after my only child passed, so I am a hermit now.
Yes, my older brother was the target, then me, then the other two were discarded after their mother died, in 2013. Unfortunately, I had an evil Narcissist psychopath sociopath naropath father, mpther, and two stepparents. Unfortunately, I knew since I was 5 years old something was wrong. Verbal abuse, mental, emotional, psychological abuse, neglect, and two brothers were physically abused. I was chased after and spanked on my bottom in 11th & 12th grades; extremely inappropriate. Last time I had a father I was 2 to 4 years old. I cut off both parents in 2006 & 2007, because I never figured out how evil they were until I was an adult with my own son. Horrible childhood with parents like this. I'm so thankful I'm nothing like them. My older brother cut my father out of his life in like the 90's and none of my father's children who are adults want anything to do with him. My mother told me when I was like 12, "I don't think I should have ever had children." How do you process that as a child? I knew in 6th grade I had no bond to her. Such evil people I endured.
Mine was 11 years old and my aunt would force me to watch Teen Mom as if I was interested in sex. It's sick and cringey to see them like this. So controlling as if I'm a dog or worse. My moms dog gets treated more like a human than me. My mom is also a narcissist.
Seeing your story reminds me of mine. I guess the only way to solve a problem is to leave them because they don't change.
I listened to you a year ago. Now revisiting for kids wellbeing as he discarded even his kids.
you have a gifted level of self awareness.
I came across your videos and you are such an empath, and so intuitive. You always notice patterns in things and then study them as to why that is. Im so impressed; you can make a huge difference in this area, you are so intelligent. I watch your vids when I start to feel sorry for them again, it helps me personally a lot. I have dealt with a very dangerous narcissist who would go to ANY means to make sure I stayed. I am still always looking over my shoulder and hoping that he doesn't try to sabotage me someway when i go try and do anything with my life. He always tries to mess it up. If he cant, he becomes dangerous. It takes so much energy when someone is still coming at you a year later.
You are 100% correct I knew at a very young age there was something wrong with my father never bonded with him never wanted to be with him.
Has anyone read 'A Child Called "It"'? This video reminded me of the toxic relationship between David and his mother. Though I think the mother had undiagnosed borderline personality disorder rather than narcissism per say. It's still an interesting comparison where the eventual demonization of the child part is concerned.
It's interesting that (as the child of a narcissist) your body language changes a bit in this video around 1:13 when you talk about issues arising. Keep up the good work, I do enjoy your videos.
I think that it´s important to point out that people with addictions /depression etc., may have narcissistic ways.. and once the addiction/depression is removed, they are able to reshape/change some of this behaviors. I have personally seen that.
Thank you so much for your very insightfull videos Scott, I enjoy them a lot and recognise it all beeing in the situation growing up in a narcissistic family as the oldest/scapegoat and my younger sister the golden child. You really put the Words to what happens in such a family and the experienses of the Children. Keep up the good work!
My X narc. hus. used to get pissed off when our son praised his friends' dads. He once told his son to leave and go live with our neighbours back then.
Your right, a child of the narcissist, to me, appears "over discipline, over controlled by the narcissist parent"...I've seen children of narcissist with damaged motor co-ordination...(walking w/out swaying the arms as "normal walking demands"...strange sight to behold!
I got our daughter out of the grip of their narcissist father at toddler/infant stage but now he has access to the grands and I see almost everything you speak on in him. He is older so it seems even more intense to control and manipulate them which adds to the control of his daughters which he never had before and ultimately effects me. I left him when the girls were babies and this is like his revenge 27 years later. He cam now go to his grave content that he cause havac in our lives, not being the loser that he really is.
watching this video make sense to me what happens to my child now she's 9y/o, when she is 5, she is making decision for us parents (although..all the time I have to explain well to her that she just have to listen to me and let mommy make the decision, and that she's taking that job from me, of course her dad works the opposite, he let our daughter's decisions the one be followed) she's way more mature than any kids her age, she uses vocabulary only used by adults, with this video I just realized these are the effects of living with a narcissist husband. we're now separated, but just lately since my daughter spend more time with her dad this 2016 summer more than before, she become hard-core narcissist herself..since her dad by nature hates me..now she turned out the same..she hates me too now, she wasn't like this before summer starts, I just can't believe it in my eyes how I totally lost her that quick...how can I prove it to the court that she is just a victim of narcissistic father? I'm starting the process of custody and divorce...but the way it is now..that she hates me, she doesn't want to be with me... she's extremely alienated now...how can I win her back to me?
This describes my father to a tee. As the oldest (daughter, he wanted a son) I was the scapegoat. The baby of the family was his golden child. As soon as his kids hit kindergarten, he was done with them and focused on the next baby. Complete discard. The youngest was his prize because she was the 'last baby'.
My kids father is one. I can agree with you all the way. He has made my life a living hell and still bothers me until this day.
I used to be able to as a child -- now, I'm losing it. Though... if I could survive this as a kid, I can do it now. I'd become numb to all of this.
On my way to bring my younger child, my NH's golden child for his 1st visit since I wouldnt let the N back after his psychotic break and 14 day inpatient hospitalization. My older child sees through him and is therefore the demonized scapegoat....So this rings very true for me.
I was the "target" child, & I'm also the oldest.
it's true my narrastic spouse does my oldest son different with our youngest son and I do see more traits with my oldest son of his father the narrastic then my youngest son I hope you go into a deeper depths with this topic but your on the right track keep the videos coming they are helping me alot